Procrastination is Ma

by Flint Sparks

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Tragedy, Adventure, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike
Length: 1475

The most epic story involving Spike, Twilight and company as they... go on some kind of epic quest to defeat some villain with the magic of friendship because Celestia told them to. Something like that. Exactly like that.

The most epic story never untold until approximately the time you have read this story and/or it was published!

A plight has struck Equestria, throwing the harmonious land into utter chaos as unicorns everywhere are struck with ailments beyond normal paradigms. Now it's time to dust off those Elements of Harmony (and their bearers, mind you) and get down to business!

Follow the epic, heart-throbbing adventure and some other blood-pumping action as Spike, Twilight, and company take on their most dangerous foe yet and

Published 2014-10-26 01:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-26 01:40:03 UTC

Leave blank for auto-named chapter

“Whelp, that’s the sixth one this week,” Spike said as he set down the letter clutched in his claws. It was pink parchment with pink ink, its seal of a similar pink to the first but with a hint of the second pink but not too much. In other words, the letter was pink with a similar yet different description already provided but somehow exactly the same. “I think this whole gym membership deal was a bad idea.”

Spike ripped his six bands or bundles of fibrous tissue with the ability to contract, producing movement and maintaining the position of the body part located somewhere in front of his digestive tract. Somewhere in that magical land saturated with magic similar to the land of Ooo and home to a myriad of creatures resembling certain mythos of an alternate universe, also known as Equestria—a play on words involving Equus because the land is dominated by ponies—a mare felt her ovaries drop.

“Let me guess,” Twilight muttered as she flipped through her book that she was reading, like she did almost every day except on really sunny days when she would read two books to break the monotony. “Your quest to impress Rarity worked so well, not only did she immediately fall in love with you, but—”

“How did you know?” Spike said, clutching his chest as his heartbeat accelerated to levels implying he was embarrassed, which he totally was, despite that clutching the scales several inches away from his heart would do absolutely nothing to eliminate the cholesterol he ingested when he cheated on his diet and ate the burger—vegetarian, mind you—behind Twilight’s nefarious plot.

Rather than respond with a gesticulation of syllables and sounds making up the organic means of communication, Twilight’s horn merely flared up with the pseudoscientific metaphysical energy of her very soul and channeled it into a simple kinetic spell.

The curtains of the library parted, revealing a crowd of fangirls pressing their faces against the windows in hope of catching a glimpse of the… um… the really sexy guy with the abs.

That’s Spike, by the way.

Twilight doesn’t even lift.

She also skipped Leg Day.

Jerk.

Friends don’t let friends skip Leg Day.

Come on Twilight, you have one job.

“Skipping Leg Day is Magic” is a shitty title. Get your shit together.

Anyway, approximately six hours later—

Six hours later and one lazy transition later… and something else later…

“Whoa, this guy sounds dangerous,” Spike said as the dynamic duo who do not wear spandex or fight psychotic clowns clammering to tell you how they got their scars walked down the really long, tiring, and somewhat exhausting length of the Canterlot stairs. “Princess Celestia must be desperate, considering she conveniently gave you the Elements of Harmony that used to be in the Everfree Forest without any explanation whatsoever.”

“Yeah, but what about it?” Twilight cocked her head and raised an eyebrow, which was indeed hair—or is it fur?—follicles raised above her eye. “Imagine going through the Everfree Forest with the dastardly villain she described skulking through the shadows. I can’t tell what’s worse: the forest, or the twenty minutes or so of bickering and angst between friends before we get our act together and solve our problems in minutes.”

“Yeah, this is easier…” Spike said as he laid a single curved pointy nail on his gluteus maximus with the valiant quest to apply friction in order to relieve himself of the symptom commonly associated with dryness of scales. Twilight found it repulsing, but his sigh of lustful satisfaction quieted the neighsayer. “But at least the music was pretty. Hey, that reminds me! Did you ever think about training the army in monta—”

“No.”

“Well that was convenient,” Twilight said as the waiting line ahead of her broke apart with disgruntled customers. “The line broke. Don’t you just love it when there’s a line break?”

“Yeah, I love line breaks.” Spike stepped forward as an agent waved them forward. “They’re so convenient, clean, and help you get where you’re going so much faster without all the mess!”

Twilight followed, taking out a hefty pouch full of currency of a composition represented by the chemical element AU. “Imagine a world without line breaks. It would be terrible. Almost as bad as those who don’t believe in using line breaks, the heretics.”

“Yeah.” Spike snorted. “What a noob,” he muttered, rolling his eyes and raising his dongers for the recruiting agent to examine.

The agent, a humanoid smoking a rather large stick and producing an extraordinary amount of smoke that caused Spike to feel the flower power the edges of his vision swam, produced a sheet of paper and handed it to Spike. “That is the standard fellowship exam. Multiple-choice, so… choose wisely.”

“What happens if I don’t?” Spike said, deciding it was a good time to explore his options in the time of his life full of change, excitement, and booty. So much booty, in fact, that he had to donate all the gold he found plundering before it would inflate the economy. He also got laid, but nobody really cares about that.

Before the humanoid creature could answer, a minotaur started yelling at the agent next door. “LISTEN TO ME BEFORE YOU GET PALE. HOW IN TARTARUS DID I FAIL?”

Before anyone in the room could panic and start a brawl that somehow involved hitting each other instead of the one causing the panic, as unproductive as that sounds, the humanoid raised his stick and shouted, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

A bolt of lightning struck the minotaur down, dissolving him into a pile of ash and probably killing him or something, or at the very least ‘un-aliving’ him or something family-friendly like that one scene in The Lion King where Simba tries to rouse the corpse of his dead father after being tricked into believing he had accidentally committed parenticide. Yes, completely family-friendly.

Eventually, the humanoid capable of magic beyond Equestria, Earth, or somewhere between the two—perhaps a Middle-Equestria—scored their exam, gave them licenses, and provided a company of dwarves to aid them in their quest to defeat their nefarious foe that would probably last two episodes at most.

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Nachos are delicious.”

“...”

“...”

“Indeed they are,” Spike whispered five hours after the comment he was responding to was originally uttered. He held the hand of the dwarf as he lay on the cold, damp ground. The grass and dirt was drenched in the dwarf’s life essence as it dripped and dripped out of his fatal wounds. A single tear trailed down Spike’s draconically scaled cheek as he felt the warmth of his friend and companion die away. “I’ll… never forget your love of nachos.”

“Spike, never… forget…” the dwarf wheezed with his last breaths. Spike leaned closer, resisting the urge to sob like a little bitch. “Never… forget… the nachos, Spike………..” The dwarf rasped once more before going limp. His limbs deadened, and his body became nothing more than a weight as his soul departed to a better world.

The frosty claws of despair clutched Spike’s chest, but dragonfire whispered out his closed maul, his spirit undying and strong. Spike puffed out his pectorals and gazed into the sky, baring his teeth. “I will never forget, my friend. And I swear, I swear on my life! I will find this bloody foe, and rend his neck from his very shoulders as he lets out a single sigh of death! I swear that

“I’m going to beat some humbleness into that petite horn of yours, then wear it as a trophy as you, powerless and soul-crushed, serve as my servant to do… servant things,” the evil villain said as his ominous-looking claw thingies conjured a fireball made of fire. “Prepare to die!”

“Now Spike! Do the thing!” Twilight said as she felt the magic of friendship surge through her soul and body. If her five friends could save Equestria, then her old friends and new friends could save all life, the universe, and everything!

Spike lifted the Broadsword of Ass-Kicking, Dork-Slaying, and Panty-Raiding as his Amulet of Ambiguous Power alight with an ancient magic that nobody had heard of until it was convenient enough to remember.

“Spikey-poo, you can do it!” Rarity said as her necklace began to surge with power as well, charging Spike up as he absorbed all the magic in Equestria to take on their final foe.

Spike roared as his power level rose to a level that was somewhere above the number eight thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine. The foe did as well, but it was not nearly as cool.

The two foes leaped forward faster than the naked eye could see, and sword and fire connected.

A large explosion exploded and