Kim-Jong-Un Gets a Pony

by Imperium Romanum

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Human
Length: 2479

Kim-Jong-Un is bored. Maybe a pony could help him out...

Being the all-powerful head of the most totalitarian state on Earth has its benefits, but it doesn't come with everything.

Maybe a friend could change that...

Published 2015-01-28 20:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-28 20:10:01 UTC

Kim-Jong-Un Gets a Pony

Kim was not a happy dictator. He reflected on this fact as he sipped his afternoon coffee and looked around his new super-deluxe office. I wonder when something fun or exciting will happen? Or at least something that gives me a reason to get out of bed., he thought to himself. Oh well, I guess i'll just have to keep trying to make something happen. Shouldn't take too much longer...

For several days, Kim had been in a slump of sorts. He found it harder than usual to roll out of bed in the morning and actually DO things (Well, at least as much as he ever "did things"), and none of his usual pastimes could cheer him up. Now that he had finished watching his favorite show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, he had nothing to do in his spare time except to spend entire hours thinking about what he could do next.

He tried everything he could think of to break this horrible curse. He tried eating chocolate for all seven meals of the day, he tried watching all the American movies he could get his hand on (except for The Interview, that movie was just plain rude), he tried creating an army of killer skeletons (until he was informed that the men in his army already had skeletons), and he tried browsing Reddit and posting pictures of his newest International Nuclear Friendship Missiles. Every single attempt failed to put him in a better mood. His curse seemed unbreakable.

Suddenly, he heard the various clicking and whirring noises of one of the more modern machines in his office. With this, Kim became totally alert and began to feel some excitement. Someone was faxing him!

Kim immediately leapt out of his chair and hovered over the machine. For someone to be faxing him, something either great or terrible must have happened! Grabbing the paper from the machine, Kim proceeded to read it. It said simply: WE NEED TO MEET.

Acting quickly, Kim sent a return fax stating that a meeting would be nice. A moment later, the same clicking and whirring noises could be heard from the hallway just outside his office doors. This was followed by a slight pause, before a man in a large military uniform covered from top to bottom in medals burst through the massive mahogany doors and into the room.

"Great Leader, we have found something amazing!", the officer yelled as Kim re-seated himself.

"You found an American spy?!", replied Kim.

"No, even better!"

"You found an ocean of oil underneath our very feet?!"

"No, even more exciting!"

"You found my missing iPhone?!"

"...No..."

"Well then why should I care?"

"Because we found a talking horse!", shouted the officer who could barely contain his excitement.

"..." "Show me.", Kim said, trying to pull himself out of his massive chair.

Five Minutes Later

Kim stood on the lower balcony his favorite vacation house (He was currently enjoying a supposedly relaxing time at the beach) and stared out over the grounds. In the center of his lawn, there was a huge group of guards all clamoring to get a look at whatever was in their center.

"Is that it?", asked Kim.

"Yes, Glorious Leader. We found it a few hours ago as we were conducting one of our invisible American trap searches. It keeps yelling something about stolen magic and turning us into frogs when it gets it back.", replied the officer.

"Bring it here.", Kim instructed. Maybe this day could be salvaged. After all, he had always wanted to ride a horse.

Soon, all of the soldiers on the grounds left to return to their units, and a large white horse was left in their wake. The officer went and grabbed the rains they had put on the strange horse, and led it up to a very skeptical Kim.

As the horse drew nearer, Kim started to hear shouting.

"Let me go, you infernal creatures! I have a kingdom to run and ponies who are depending on me to raise the sun!" , the horse shouted. "Where are you even taking me?!"

When the horse was brought up to him, Kim could not believe his eyes. Standing in front of him was Princess Celestia herself! For one moment (and one moment only, as a great leader must always be serious) Kim was overcome with joy. This could be my chance to have some actual fun, but I have to be careful. Who knows how she will react if I seem a bit too excited... Satisfied that he now knew what to do, Kim pulled one of many emergency greeting cards from his back pocket and started his first contact greeting. "Welcome, insert name here, to the Supreme Democratic People's Laborer's Paradise of North Korea! As long as you don't talk to anyone you see, take any pictures, go anywhere but pre-approved areas, or sneeze at any picture of me, you will be able to possibly leave."

As soon as Kim was finished, the horse decided to speak up. "Are you the ruler of these insufferable beings!?"

"Why yes, I am", Kim replied.

"Good. Then I need you to listen carefully to what I'm about to tell you."

"Go on."

"You might think I'm crazy..."

"No, no no no. I wouldn't possibly think that.", Kim said with a reassuring smile.

"Ok. My name is Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria and Bringer-of-Light-to-all-who-doth-dwell-within. I am from a distant land where I rule a kingdom full of talking, magical ponies, and I need to return there so that I can raise the sun and save them from an eternal night!"

Celestia could see Kim raise a hand to his mouth and start to shake a little. "What's the matter? Did I startle you with my announcement?"

"No. Just trying to figure out how to return you to your magical horse land.", Kim choked out.

"Hey, you're laughing at me!"

"..........no..." , Kim managed before he burst into laughter. Nearby, the officer and his guards were rolling on the ground in tears.

"Why do you laugh at me?!", Princess Celestia demanded.

Recovering from his best laugh in three years, Kim turned to his guards and made a very obvious cut across his throat with his finger. He wanted to believe that this Princess Celestia was from the show he adored, but his practical mind was telling him that this was just another American death-cyborg spy. Turning to Celestia he simply stated, "Because that's ridiculous. How can magical horses be real?"

That's all Celestia heard before a bag was thrown over her head, and something pricked her side.

Several Hours Later

Kim was back in his chair, and he was shaking in pure excitement. The officer from earlier was standing in front of him with an expectant look on his face.

"Great Leader, we have captured the horse. What now?" "What's so important about it?"

Turning his head to the officer, Kim gave him a look of confusion. "Do you even realize what we have, major?"

"A talking horse?"

"Aaaaand..."

"Uhhhhh... Loyalty with complete and total admiration for the party?"

"Well, yes..."

The officer made a constipated face, and Kim could hear gears breaking in his head.

"What we have is obviously an American bio-experiment sent to kill me and take over our Kimchi industry!"

"Wow! How could you tell?", the officer asked.

"It's all about experience. Now, bring the horse up. We must have a chat about its immediate future before the My Little Pony re-runs begin."

"Yes, Your Great Leaderfulness!"

30 Minutes Later, In an Undisclosed Location...

The first thing that Celestia noticed was the light. It was so bright, that it had to be but inches from her face in a room that was otherwise completely dark. As she started to struggle against her bonds, a familiar voice spoke up.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

"It's you, their leader!" Celestia exclaimed. "I mean you no harm, and all that I would like is to return to my home." "My sister has returned from her imprisonment within the moon, and I must help my student defeat her!"

After a hushed conversation between Kim and his officer about talking horses being immune to bright light, the lamp was turned off and the room itself lit up. Turning to her right, Celestia could now see the officer from before wearing a clown mask, and a man who must have been Kim wearing a full black morphsuit with a Guy Fawkes mask.

Speaking up, Kim began his questioning. "And where is that home exactly? Washington? Area 51? Hollywood?"

"No, my home is the city of Canterlot in the nation of Equestria.", Celestia stated while listening to the snickering of the officer at the word 'Canterlot'.

"Ohhhh. I see." "And where exactly is this 'Equestria'?"

"From the look of things and the sound of some of the locations you have named, I would say it's in another universe entirely."

"Another universe you say? You must be very powerful to have traveled between universes." At this Kim turned to his officer and gave what could have been a wink underneath his suit.

"Well...", Celestia continued, "I usually am, however I was sent here by something other than myself, and I seem to have misplaced my magic and the ability to return home." "Could you help me get back to my subjects?"

Recognizing an opportunity to get what he wanted, Kim let out a sinister, deep laugh. "Hmmmmm..." "Well, I guess I could help you go back to magic ponyland...

"Thank you", Celestia sighed as her smile grew.

"...on one condition."

Celestia wearily eyed her captor. "What could you possibly want? You know I don't have my magic."

The day was beautiful. The sun was shining, the wind was gentle, the grass was perfectly green on hills that looked over the surrounding plain, and the light danced off of a line of tanks facing a nearby forest. Inside said forest was a vicious army of pillows, dressed in the camouflage of the US and South Korean Marines.

Then, running down the line of tanks, something amazing could be seen. Savior to the Laborers and Peoples of North Korea Kim-Jong-Un, riding atop Princess Celestia, had arrived.

Reaching the middle of his line of tanks, Kim looked out over the battlefield and began to speak into the large megaphone he always had with him as the wind died down. "Brothers, sisters in arms! I thank you for joining me today on the field of glory, and partaking in this historic battle! Keep your wits about you, remember your oaths and your families, and we will have victory against the Capitalist menace!" Kim finished his speech and put his hands on his hips, listening to his men's cheers through the radio.

"Let's just get this over with.", Celestia muttered.

Pausing for a moment to think, Kim stared across the plain towards the forest. Yes. I think this'll do it.

"Chaaaaaaaaaaarge!"

The peace was broken. The tank line started up an moved down into the plain with an ominous roar, firing their deadly weapons as they went. Through the smoke and haze of battle, Kim could be seen charging down to the forest. Shells whirled past them and exploded into brilliantly colored fireworks, and the adrenaline rush overtook them both. Within the fires of battle, a connection began to form. As Celestia ran, Kim could feel a powerful friendship bond grow out of that connection and he knew that said bond could not be broken by even the strongest willpower. As they rode down past gigantic smoldering craters and through clouds of pillow feathers Kim realized in his heart that Friendship truly was magic. At that moment, Kim had the most emotion he had ever had before for another living being. They were linked so strongly by Kim's friendship that their very thoughts seemed to merge and harmonize. Kim now understood that he was riding the Princess Celestia, and was overcome by happiness.

This is the best day I've ever had!

Why does he weigh so much?!

The more they ran together and the more Kim's friendship grew, the brighter they both seemed to shine until they were surrounded by a brilliant bubble of friendship energy. Kim's entire army paused to watch their leader as the light shone like the sun. Then, a brilliant rainbow exploded outward in all directions and everyone could only watch their leader in awe. Kim had been transformed. His hair had grown out and was now colored like a rainbow, his clothes had changed into a regal pink dress, and he now sported a pair of wings and a snow white horn. Kim had become an alicorn princess.

Overcome with sheer joy, Kim openly wept golden tears and he knew that it had been done. His curse had been broken. The battle forgotten, Kim stopped in the middle of trampling a particularly evil looking pillow, dismounted, and turned to Celestia.

"Celestia, you are the greatest friend I have ever had. I would want to keep you here forever, but I know that you have to go. The sun must always rise just as the moon must always fall, and I will not keep you from your duty."

Celestia, staring at Kim strangely, started to glow and fade. She now had the magic she needed to return home thanks to the massive amount of friendship Kim was radiating. Just as she was about to leave, the two leaders exchanged their final words to each other.

"I hope that you will have a safe journey. Oh, and tell Pinkie Pie I said hi."

"You are the strangest being I have ever met, and I hope that we never meet again."

With their final words said, Princess Celestia, The Solar Queen, winked out of existence. For a few minutes, Kim continued to stare at the spot where she left and was at peace. Running up to him, his officer exclaimed, "What was that?!" "Are you ok Your Excellence?"

"I will always be ok, as long as I have the special friendship magic within me."

"Now...", turning to his officer Kim spoke quickly. "Get me to a camera and set up a satellite feed to the White House as soon as you can. I have to rub my transformation in Obama's face before it wears off!"

"Yes Sir!", the officer yelled before running off to relay his leader's orders.

Hmmm... I guess a Monday can be a good day after all...

Author's Note

Free time + MLP + Best Korea + gud writing skilz = autism

Please give me any and all criticisms as I might eventually want to write something that doesn't make my brain hurt when I read it.
~IR