Derpy discovers shipping

by EllyCoo

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves
Length: 1019

Cadence introduces to Derpy the art of match-making.

Cadence introduces to Derpy the art of match-making. But Derpy doesn't know how to recognize two perfect souls and has the most extravagant ideas.
Already at the second pairing, Cadence couldn't take it anymore. It had to cease.

Cover vectors by CoordinatesRS and Proenix on deviantART.

Published 2014-10-22 17:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-22 17:50:03 UTC

Shipping?

Cadence was in her room, over her desk. She was working for a few hours, and her brain started to really hurt. Her husband, next to her, was putting on his armor, and gave his princess a soft kiss on the lips. She blushed at the kiss and nuzzled Shining, who looked really handsome in his armor, as always.

"I'm heading off for work, love~", he kissed his wife once again.

"Mmm, see you later, my brave little warrior.", she giggled.

Shining leaned in for a last kiss, more passionate this time. He stroked her mane, but a bumping broke the romance. They both raised their heads: before their door stood a grey pegasus with a blonde mane. She had golden eyes that drifted away in separate directions. Shining cleared his throat and went out.

"What are you doing here...?"

"I think I'm lost", she said, raising her map upside down. "I'm at the Crystal Library, right?"

The guard laughed and tapped the mare's head before walking away, still chuckling. The poor pegasus didn't understand and just stood there, looking — if we could call that looking — at the Alicorn of Love. Cadence looked at her back with compassion, with a bit of pity, too.

"Nope, sorry. You're at the Crystal Castle."

"Oh."

Cadence thought she was going to leave, but instead, the grey mare walked to the Princess and sat down on the ground. Couldn't taking it seeing her subject sitting in the dirt, she offered the pegasus a seat. The grey mare sat and started talking again.

"My name is Derpy Hooves."

"That's... lovely!", answered Cadence, keeping on working.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Princess Mi Amore Cadenza", she said, holding a giggle. "But you can call me Cadence."

"Cadence, what are you doing?"

"I'm match-making. I use my magic to find perfect matches of two souls...", she explained. "It's kind of complicated."

"Can I help you?"

"But you don't have any magi-", she started.

Derpy was apparently lost for good, and looked really bored. She could come up with fun pairings. Then Cadence would use her magic to show her a scene of what would happen if they were together.

"What do I don't have?", asked Derpy.

"Nnnothing. You can think of a pairing."

"Fine. How does that work?"

"You think about two ponies you know that have in common and that you'd like to see as a couple."

Derpy scratched her chin... Who to pick, who to pick. Finally, her eyes widened and derped a bit more. She gasped and told the Princess what she came up with.

"Celestia and Apple Bloom!"

"............ What? You ca-", she took a deep breath. "Fine..."

A bit grossed out, Cadene blasted some magic on the wall. A sort of screen appeared, showing Apple Bloom and Celestia on a sofa. They were looking at each other awkwardly. Celestia didn't have her crown, or her royal horseshoes, or her big golden necklace.

"Ah'm sorry about all this, Cee...", Apple Bloom sighed.

"No, Apple Bloom. It's fine. I am also responsible for our love, you know.", Celestia answered, leaning over the filly. "And I had to assume I liked little fillies sooner or later..."

The filly and the princess kissed passionately, and Cadence closed her eyes. Ew. Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew! This was the grossest thing she ever did. Derpy was looking at the scene with an amused look, and a d'aww expression. The two ponies were still kissing when a stallion broke the door and busted in, with guards behind him.

"CELESTIA! You are arrested for pedophilia and mind poisoning!", he shouted.

"No! Celestia!", screamed the terrified filly while the guards immobilised the ex-princess.

"I'll be fine! Take care of Philomena!"

The guards slammed the door and Celestia pleaded:

"Please don't do anything to that filly! I'll give anything, just..."

"She'll be fine. We are going to cast a spell on her mind."

Celestia started to cry as they locked her in a cell. It was enough for Cadence. Enough stupid ship for today. She removed the screen from the wall with her magic. Derpy sniffed and wiped her eye with a hoof.

"S-such a sad story...", she murmured. "My favorite ship is never going to live eternal love... I have a new pairing anyway!"

"Oh yeah?", Cadence asked, nervous.

"Yes! Mayor Mare and Bon Bon!", she announced proudly.

"Fine.......", the princess muttered, blasting magic on the wall again.

The two mares were sitting at a table, face to face. They both had serious faces, and Bon Bon held her head in her hooves.

"I'm sorry darling, but we...", Mayor Mare said.

"NO!", yelled Bon Bon. "You can't do this to me!"

"The sweets commerce is slowing down everything! Nopony needs that much sugar, and..."

"My candies mean everything to me!", shrieked Bon Bon at her face.

The mayor's face crisped. She had now a dark look.

"And what about me? What do I mean to you?"

"Ma... Mary, I didn't mean that, but y-"

"I get it, I get it!", the mayor jumped down her chair and went out the door. "It's over. Your candy commerce is over. And between us is over too."

She slammed the door after her and Bon Bon stayed there, whimpering, her face on the table. Cadence's ear flicked a bit. This was so ridiculous. It was TOO ridiculous for her to handle.

"This one was sad too...", sniffed Derpy. "But how about Iron Will x Sweetie Belle?"

Cadence stared at her with wide eyes. Please, no more. She gently pushed her at the door, smiling awkwardly.

"No more shipping for today! You've done enough thank y-"

"Zecora x Pound Cake? Lyra x Fleur de Lis? Luna x Dinky? Big M-"

Cadence violently slammed the door. She had heard enough. She sighed and slid down the floor and relaxed for a few minutes. Then she made herself a tea and went back to work. Back to SERIOUS pairings. And it felt oh so good to see perfect couples again.

Author's Note

I made this random fanfiction. It's pretty dumb.