Screaming in Boundless Silence

by 2006midnight

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1357

Celestia has a revelation during the night and writes a letter to Twilight.

Celestia is having trouble sleeping, so she goes outside to admire the landscape of Equestria. As she does so, something in the night sky catches her eye and makes her think more deeply about her past. To get her feelings out, Celestia writes a letter to Twilight.

This story is a birthday gift for Regidar

Published 2014-12-03 01:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-03 01:00:05 UTC

Absolution

Princess Celestia turned over in her bed yet again and groaned in exasperation. Her eyes flew open as she realized that there was no way she would be able to sleep this night. Grumbling slightly under her breath, the princess of the sun slowly dragged herself out of her bed and got to her hooves. Her steps heavy with reluctance, Celestia walked toward the doors that led to her balcony. As she opened them with her magic, her face was blasted by an unexpected rush of the cool night air. Lifting her head so that she could feel more of the refreshing wind, the tall, white alicorn stepped out into the night, shutting the balcony doors behind her.

As she let her gaze wander as far as she could see, Celestia’s eyes began to fill with tears. She gave her head a shake in an attempt to get control of her emotions. But her attempts were to no avail as, within moments, shining rivulets of tears were streaming down her face. Although she was not even certain as to why merely looking at the landscape of Equestria was enough to elicit such a heart wrenching feeling within her, Celestia was glad that it had. Still letting her eyes look where they willed, Celestia made no move to dry her cheeks, instead opting to let her tears flow freely. After all, it wasn’t like anypony was there to witness their princess in a rare moment where she dropped her composure like this.

In the corner of one of her eyes, a star twinkled faintly, but when she swung her head in that star’s direction, Celestia could no longer see it twinkling. It just looked like an ordinary star, the same as all the other that decorated her younger sister’s night sky. Celestia watched that star for a few moments more before turning her head back to where she’d had it, looking out at the far reaches of Equestria’s borders. Yet, strangely, as she did so, once again the princess of the sun thought she saw that very same star twinkling at the edge of her field of vision. She blinked a few times, but it was still there, almost taunting her in a way.

Deciding that she was seeing things out of exhaustion, Celestia walked back into her chambers with every intention of attempting to go back to sleep. However, as she made her way towards her bed, a stack of blank scrolls that had been placed off to the side caught her eye. She stopped moving and just stared at the scrolls for a long moment. Unexpectedly, as if she had been struck by a sudden impulse, Celestia walked over to the scrolls and picked up one as well as a quill and ink with her magic. She walked back out onto her balcony, carrying those items and sat down facing in the same direction she had been a few moments earlier. Laying the scroll out on the balcony floor in front of her, Celestia dipped the quill into the ink and began to write.

My Dear Twilight,

First of all, I sincerely hope that this letter will not come as a bother to you. I was just unable to sleep tonight and had a few revelations regarding myself and my past. As I am not yet ready to confide in my sister, especially since she has enough things to deal with at the moment, I am turning to you. I’m not looking for advice or anything at all really. I just need to let some of this out. We’ll see where this winds up going…

All my life I’ve felt like I’ve had to work harder than everypony else for the simplest things. Everypony around me always seemed to get things given to them without having to do much work to earn it, even my sister. I tried not to get upset about it, instead always finding ways to push through the hard times and keep reaching for whatever my goal was at the time. Whenever I felt like something was hopeless, I would draw strength from the whole of Equestria. The sky always felt like home to me, the light of the sun would always feel like it was embracing me, and the beautiful flowers that were everywhere symbolized hope and a better future, at least in my mind.

But even with all of that, I still often felt like I was just forcing myself to move forward on a path in life that would lead to nothing but emptiness. I know this will sound silly coming from one of the immortal rulers of Equestria, but in a way, that makes it worse. I can only scream my sorrows in silence since I’m supposed to always be perfect and composed. As the face of Equestria, nopony listens to me when I tell them that I have sorrows and woes of my own. Everypony has always believed that because I always to do my best to keep my composure around them that I really am that perfect. I would hope that you, for one, can see that I do have problems of my own. But even you, I fear, see me too much as a goddess and not just a pony like any other.

No matter what I do, it will be many years, if ever, until ponies can come to see me as I’ve always wished they could. Every living thing will eventually die, even my sister and I. Though we have extraordinarily long lives, we are still mortal, contrary to everypony’s beliefs. There are some days where I feel that I will go mad from having to keep all of this bottled up inside of me. I would tell my sister, but she has her own problems that are even worse than mine and most certainly doesn’t need any more dumped on her. I told you all of this because, at least for right now, you are the only pony I can confide in.

The burdens of ruling Equestria are heavy, and yet, no matter what happens, I can promise you, here and now, that I will do my best to keep my feelings from affecting anypony else. All of my troubles are mine and mine alone, and I’ll do my best to keep it that way from now on. I’m sorry that I even wrote this and troubled you with any of its contents in the first place.

Yours truly,
Princess Celestia

Celestia looked up from her letter and used her magic to roll it into a tight scroll, complete with her personal seal. Pausing with it held in her magical aura, the princess of the sun turned to look at the same star she had been watching earlier that night. For the first time since she had first seen it on the edge of her vision, Celestia saw it sparkling brilliantly against the night sky while looking straight at it. Taking comfort from this, she sent her letter to Twilight with a quick burst of magic.

After she had done so, a slight breeze began to swirl around her. Her ethereal mane flowing around her, Celestia continued to stare at that one particular star. Something about it had drawn her in, so much so that she had forgotten about sleeping. A choked sob escaped the sun princess’ throat as she dropped her head so low that her horn brushed against the balcony floor. Even as her letter flashed into existence in front of her student in Ponyville, Celestia’s entire body filled with regret. She lay in an almost fetal position, shaking and whimpering in fear of what she had just done.

Goddesses weren’t supposed to ask for help from the ponies of Equestria, and yet, she’d been so stupid as to forget that, even if only for a few moments. But that was all it took for the damage to be done. There was no way she could take back the letter now, and all she could do now…was wait.

The first cry for help…shall lead to the last breath…