I am old, so very old. My eyes have seen more horrors than I care to say. But then, they have also seen countless more things of beauty. Isn’t that always the way? Nothing can ever be plain and simple. Always, there is another side to something, a drop of poison or a sweet respite. That depends on whether the event in question is favorable or not. Nothing will ever be pure good or pure evil. In fact, I prefer not to use those terms to describe something unless I absolutely have to if I want my little ponies to understand what I’m talking about.
My name is Celestia Invicta and I am so, so tired of, well, of being me. Immortality takes it’s toll on even the very best of us, of which I am most definitely not. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely well aware of just how much the ponies of Equestria worship me. But worship does not always occur for good reasons.
It began innocently enough, I suppose. When my sister and I found the Elements of Harmony, we quickly became the ponies who were always saving Equestria from all of the threats it faced. The problem was, most of the glory that came from all that we did was projected onto me. Luna was given little to no recognition. In addition to her night constantly being scorned while my day was embraced, ponies were downright terrified of Luna. Although she had not yet become Nightmare Moon, almost everypony in Equestria acted as if she were that much of a monster instead of just a pony like any other. And I was too blinded by the love that I was receiving to realize how much pain my little sister was in with nopony to help her.
Of course, when Luna did break and turn into Nightmare Moon, I was the only pony who could do anything to stop her from destroying Equestria. The most painful responsibility in all of Equestria fell on my shoulders. As she would not listen to reason, I was left with two choices. I could kill the monster that my sister had become, which would also kill my sister, or I could banish her to the moon for a thousand years in the hope that she could be saved when she finally returned. The choice, though it has weighed heavily on my heart, even after her return, was easy to make. I could not kill the one pony that I loved more than anypony else in all of Equestria.
For a thousand years, I was forced to endure a solitary life, ruling Equestria with nopony there for me when I needed some help and support. I suppose it’s ironic that, the only thing that helped me through the times when I felt that I needed somepony, was to think of my loneliness as my punishment for banishing my little sister. The guilt that I felt was constantly nagging at the back of my mind. Oftentimes, it became so overwhelming that it would try to cloud my judgement. But I fought through each and every one of those times by taking solace in how much it hurt.
A strange philosophy I had back then, yet even with my sister back, I still sometimes feel that I was not punished enough for what I did to her. And I do not mean that regarding how I banished her. I mean how it was my fault that she ever became Nightmare Moon at all. If I had not been such a blind fool, too absorbed with basking in the love and admiration of the ponies of Equestria, then none of that would have ever happened. Luna would never have had to endure being ignored, feared, even hated, then spending a thousand years in solitude on her own celestial body. I would give anything to be able to go back in time and take away every last bit of my sister’s pain.
Even now that she is back, I know that I will never truly be able to come to terms with what I did. Luna does not know how I feel about this, or even that I still think much about it at all, and I am determined to make sure that neither she nor anypony else will ever find out. I am the ruler of Equestria and loneliness will forever be my eternal punishment.
By continuing to punish myself, I am making myself into a better leader, a better pony. It is neither victories nor triumphs that teach us anything, it is our defeats. We can learn from the mistakes we make that had led to those defeats, and, from that, we can begin to make an attempt to better ourselves. I first learned that because of my sister and how I was too absorbed in the glory that I was receiving because of our victories. Our victories, not mine alone, yet, although I knew this, I did not do anything to help get some of that glory projected onto Luna as well as myself. Young and stupid, all I did was let my ego swell because of all the praise that I was given, and all but forget about my younger sister. I certainly never spared a thought for whether or not she was getting the same amount of attention as I was. The blame for her turning into a monster rests entirely on my shoulders and will never lift, no matter how many years pass by.
I may be a widely looked up to pony as a ruler, but I will never forgive myself for my stupidity, even though it did happen over a thousand years ago. All I deserve now is eternal solitude as punishment for my actions, not the worship that I am given by the ponies of Equestria. Everything bad I’ve ever done will remain forever ingrained in my memory, and yet, anything good that I do will instantly be pushed to the back of my mind. Never again will I let my ego rise up and take over my common sense. Even immortality will not be able to break down the strength of my conviction on that. Punishment is all I deserve, for I am not a good pony. I am much more of a monster than Nightmare Moon ever was. Equestria deserves better, but, as all that it has, I can only do my best not to succumb to those monstrous parts of my soul. After all, isn’t that all that anypony can ever do?
