Tuna

by Admiral Biscuit

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, Tirek, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance
Length: 1417

After a brief fling, Tirek tires of Twilight and moves on to bigger and better alicorns.

After a brief fling, Tirek tires of Twilight and moves on to bigger and better alicorns: Princess Luna, princess of the night.

Trigger warning: Oh God, why?

Audio reading by AShadowOfCygnus

Published 2014-10-25 05:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-25 05:00:03 UTC

Olive Garden: where romances blossom

Tuna
Admiral Biscuit

Spike walked into the Crystal Castle(TM), unaware that anything was amiss. Outside, it was a perfectly ordinary day. Ponies were going about their business, and the rampaging monster at the edge of town was being talked down by Fluttershy.

His first sign of trouble was the inconsolable sobbing echoing through the Crystal Halls(TM). Spike knew that sound all too well; it was the sound he'd made when Rarity set her sights on Trenderhoof. At least that had ended well. Rarity was just as hot dirty and dressed in overalls, and her fake country accent was—well!

He scampered up the stairs as fast as his stubby legs could carry him, shoving open the doors to Twilight's room without even knocking. The alicorn was sprawled across her bed, her cheeks damp with tears and surrounded by empty ice-cream containers. Spike knew all too well what that meant.

He wrapped an arm around Twilight's neck, hugging her tightly to him. It was times like these that she most needed him to be strong, and he was only too happy to help, even if it was a little emasculating.

“Tirek broke up with mee-he-heee,” she sobbed, burying her face against his chest. “He said it just wouldn't work out between us.” She looked up at him, her eyes glistening. “Am I too fat? Is that what this is about?”

“You're a beautiful mare,” Spike whispered, stroking her mane. “And smart, too. Anypony would love to have you as a marefriend. Tirek . . . he's evil. That's probably why he broke up with you.”

“You're not helping,” Twilight sniffled, eating another big scoop of ice cream. “I feel so—dirty. To think I fell for his lines! And let him. . . .” She raised her head enough to look at a framed photograph of her and Tirek going through the Tunnel of Love at Poney Island. She threw it across the room, the shattered pieces of glass holding in her aura for an instant before they crashed to the ground like so many broken dreams.

“Do you want me to send a letter to Flash?”

Twilight sniffled and nodded.

MEANWHILE IN CANTERLOT

The Olive Garden in Canterlot was the go-to spot for romantic couples—it had an old-world charm on the inside, a patio with a stunning view of Canterlot on the outside, and endless breadsticks, salad, and (for a limited time), unlimited pasta.

On the aforementioned patio, a dark blue alicorn and a black-and-red ~~abomination~~ centaur sat across a table.

“WE THANK THEE FOR THE PLEASANT NIGHT,” Luna bellowed.

“It was my pleasure, Princess,” Tirek smoothly replied, discreetly digging a finger in his ear to hopefully quell the ringing noise.

“WE ARE NOT ACCUSTOMED TO BEING SHOWN THE FAVOR OF A STALLION.” Luna and Tirek ignored the waitress who'd just dropped her tray as a result of the lunar princess’ latest declaration.

“You're beautiful,” he said, leaning his hideous red face close to hers. “Your mane is filled with the wonders of the universe, and you have the body of a supermodel.” He smiled, his teeth gleaming like an armory full of swords. “I—I don't mind confessing that I'd just love to run my hands through your mane, or over your coat, or under—“

Luna's face turned bright red. “THOU ART MOST FLATTERING.” She pushed her plate away, one hoof self-consciously patting her belly. “WE FIND THY DARK COAT AND OTHER EQUINE FEATURES PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE, AND WE CONFESS TO FEELING A CERTAIN CURIOSITY AS TO THINE OTHER ATTRIBUTES.” She lowered her head—and her voice—slightly. “We wish to run our hooves over thy bare flesh.”

Tirek raised a hand. “Check, please.”

TWO HOURS LATER

Luna and Tirek sat side-by-side in the Canterlot gardens, watching the sun set. Luna occasionally cast her eyes upon Tirek's ruddy skin, as the sun painted it an orange-red, then a red-red, then a violet-red. He put his hand on her back, and gave her a gentle squeeze.

“I never thought I'd be sharing a sunset with the mare of dreams,” he said dreamily. “Somehow, the new night looks a lot more beautiful, when you're next to your true love.” He lightly ran his fingers over her coat. “Although it is darker than usual.”

“Mmm.” Luna tucked her head against his broad chest and whispered, “I love you too, Tirek.” She turned her head up and nuzzled him on the bottom of the chin. “The very stars shall spell out the name of our love.”

Tirek chucked her cheek, and chuckled quietly. “You can't mean that.”

“WE DO MEAN THAT.” Luna jerked her head up, nearly spearing Tirek on her horn, and stuck her tongue out in concentration. “WE OUGHT TO RAISE OUR MOON AS WELL. TIA WILL WORRY IF WE DO NOT.” Her horn lit, and an instant later, the moon scudded guiltily above the horizon, bouncing slightly as it slid into place. “CLOSE ENOUGH.” Luna glanced back at Tirek, seeking inspiration, before she turned her head to the heavens again.

“Luna ♥s Tirek?” The centaur looked back down at her. “No offense, but that's hardly subtle. I'm flattered—but I'm also a fugitive from Tartarus, remember?”

“OF COURSE.” Luna closed her eyes and began shuffling the stars again, dooming several planets to an icy demise. “IS THIS BETTER?”

“I . . .” Tirek stared at the heavens. And stared. He tilted his head to get a better look, before glancing back at Luna. “I don't quite get—“

“SHALL WE MAKE IT MORE CLEAR?” Luna's horn lit brightly, and a few stars moved their position.

“Oh.” Tirek's face got redder, somehow. “So . . . I would imagine that constellation is meant to be me?”

“CORRECT.”

“And I'm engaged in—do fillies look up at the stars?”

Luna shrugged. “WE SUPPOSE THEY DO, BUT IF THEY UNDERSTAND THE IMAGE, ‘TIS NOT OUR FAULT.”

“Of course.” He hugged Luna tightly. “Oh, Luna, I've had such a splendid evening with you, but I fear it is getting late, and I must return to my cell before I'm missed.” He plucked at the charm on his neck. “I can't imagine that Twilight is still maintaining this spell.”

“FEAR NOT, DEAR TIREK: WE HOLD SWAY OVER ALL THE CREATURES OF TARTARUS.” Luna wrapped a hoof around the back of his neck and pulled him into a kiss. “THINK NOT OF THE LAVENDER ONE. WE DECREE THAT THOU SHALT SPEND THE NIGHT WITH US.”

THE NEXT MORNING

Princess Celestia stepped onto her balcony, and without any fanfare, took hold of the sun and gently lifted it over the horizon. As its first morning rays touched her coat, she happened to look slightly higher, where the moon still hung.

That's not like Lulu, Celestia thought, quickly shoving the moon over to the other side of the sky before anypony noticed and panicked. Maybe she got distracted.

While Celestia sipped her morning tea, worries began to nag at her, especially as she heard some distant screams of horror from the side of Canterlot facing Tartarus. She set her teacup neatly in its saucer, bowed politely to her hoofmaid, and then teleported out of her sitting room without a word.

She re-appeared right in front of Luna's bedchambers, her focus on the doors so intent that she failed to notice the two shell-shocked stallions standing silent sentry on either side.

With a mighty shove of her hoof, Celestia pushed the door wide open, only to take a step back as a strong wave of musk, sweat, and unmentionable assaulted her nostrils. Bravely, she cracked an eye back open to take in the scene.

The whole room was a complete shambles.

Luna was lying in the middle of her ruined bed, her mane tousled and a goofy grin on her face. Her feathers were rumpled, and her crown hung off the chandelier, which—actually, as Celestia took in the whole scene—was more logical than where her platinum hoof boots had ended up.

“Luna?” Celestia reached tentatively for her sister. “What in Faust's name happened?”

“Oh, it was wonderful,” Luna gushed. “A thousand years of pent-up repression, spent in a night, with the most wonderful centaur imaginable. And he treated me to dinner at Olive Garden first!”

MEANWHILE IN TARTARUS

Tirek limped into his cell, an ice pack still firmly clamped against his loins, and collapsed in a senseless lump.

Author's Note

A One-Shot-Ober fic
If this gets featured, Rainbow Bob will flay me.
By reader and pre-reader request