“Ya got th’ newest issue?”
“Yeah, I’m sure you’ll like this one, Mac,” Spike whispered as he passed the rolled-up comic to the farmer.
“An’ there ain’t gonna be no surprises like th’ last one, right?” Big Mac glared down at the little dragon.
“Not this issue, no,” Spike replied, polishing his knuckles against his chest. When he noticed Big Mac’s glare, he said, “Hey, don’t blame me! You got that issue from Caramel!”
“Oh, hi, Big Mac,” Twilight said as she rounded the corner to the castle library. “What brings you here today?”
“Ahhhh!” Big Mac yelled, as he quickly stashed the comic into his yoke. “Ah… Ah was jus’ here say’n howdy t’ Spike, Yer Highness.”
“Big Mac, you’ve known me for long enough now— you don’t have to call me ‘Your Highness’.” Twilight blushed. “Besides, it’s good to see Spike spending time with some male friends. Ever since Shining Armor moved to the Empire, I’ve been worried that he didn’t have enough ‘guy’ friends.”
“Hey,” Spike grumbled. “I have plenty of guy friends!”
“Of course you do,” Twilight said, giving the dragon a nuzzle.
“Well, A-Ah gotta get back t’ work,” Big Mac stammered, interrupting the moment. “Ah’ll pay ya back next time Ah see ya, alright, Spike?”
“Yeah, sure,” Spike replied. “I’ll see you next week.”
Twilight watched Big Mac walk away, desperately trying to hide the small blush that had formed on her cheeks.
“You should just ask him out, you know,” Spike said, once the stallion had exited the library.
“Oh, no… He’d never, I mean, we couldn’t—”
“No, I am pretty much, one-hundred percent certain that he would say ‘yes’ to you. In a flash!”
Twilight glowered at the dragon. “What did I say about using that word in this castle?”
“Oh, come on!” Spike moaned. “That was six months ago… and it’s not my fault he got married!”
They both stood there in an awkward silence, until Twilight broke it. “So, what are you going to do with your day off?”
“Hmmm,” Spike said, scratching his chin. “Eh, I’ll probably just go take a nap.”
“Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike!”
Twilight’s screams echoed throughout the crystal castle walls.
“Where are you, you little menace?”
Spike rolled over in his bed, trying desperately to ignore the yelling mare that was disturbing his nap. How ever did he manage to sleep in that ratty old basket instead of a real bed like this one? He flipped his blankie back over his head, desperately hoping that the clomping sound headed towards his bedroom was not who he thought it was.
Spike’s bedroom door crashed open; alas, his nap was not going to be.
“What’s up, Twi?” he asked, holding a claw to his mouth to cover a yawn.
“What’s up?” she asked, incredulously.
“What’s up‽” she screamed.
Twilight threw a small comic book onto Spike’s bed. The dragon picked it up and eyed it.
“Oh, you found my comics?” he asked. “I wondered where this one got to.”
“Your… your… Spike, I thought I was like a big sister to you!” She looked down at the comic book, the cover image a rather disturbingly sexualized image of herself, and shuddered. “How could you… you know… m— m—
“—Do those kinds of things while thinking about me?” she asked, her ears flattening against her skull.
“Oh, gross, Twi!” Spike groaned, sticking his tongue out and gagging. “I’d never do anything like that. You are like my big sister… that would be disgusting!”
Twilight stared at the dragon; his disgust seemed to be genuine. She breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that her little-brother figure was not… doing things like that.
…while thinking about me. Twilight suppressed yet another shudder.
“So if you don’t… you know… ” Twilight blushed. “…then why do you have this?”
“Oh, it’s my last copy,” Spike said. “Yeah, this issue sold like hotcakes! I thought Big Mac bought the last one.”
“Your last copy?” Twilight looked down at the cover, to the author name.
Barb
Twilight cursed; she should have never bought him that thesaurus for his birthday.
“You’re drawing comics‽” she screamed. “Comics about me, and… wait, who is that?”
“Octavia Melody,” Spike answered. “She’s this really hot cellist from the Canterlot Symphony Orchestra. And they’re not just about you, I have ones about—”
“That’s not the point!” Twilight snarled. “What I want to know is why you are drawing explicit comics of me burying my face in—”
“Gross! I don’t want to hear that, Twilight!” Spike put his claws over his ears.
“Hear it? Hear it‽” Twilight’s eye twitched. “You were the one who drew it!”
“Yeah, but I didn’t enjoy it! I was just supplying a demand,” Spike said, lowering his claws. “You’re pretty popular with the stallions of Ponyville. You’re always a good seller.”
“There’s more‽”
“Yeah, I still have a few of last month’s issue,” Spike replied, jumping off of his bed and dragging a crate out from underneath.
Twilight looked over the lewd cover images on display. Her breath became shorter and faster as she tried to stave off hyperventilation.
“Hey, look. I even have one of—”
In a fla—burst, Twilight levitated the little dragon, and drew him close to her face. “How many?” she hissed.
“Issues? Or customers?”
“Both. Either. Whatever!”
“Uhhh, let’s see…” Spike started counting on his claws. “…I think I’ve released twenty-seven issues so far. And all of them.”
“All of them?” Twilight asked in confusion.
“All of them,” Spike said, nodding. “Every stallion in Ponyville… I mean—and I don’t mean to brag—my comics are pretty popular.”
Twilight’s breathing sped up, and her pupils dilated to pinpricks.
“What’s the matter, Twilight?” Spike asked. “I thought you’d find it flattering that—”
“Flattering? Flattering‽” Her horn glowed bright, brimming with more arcane power than she had ever wielded before. “Let’s see how flattering you find that kind of attention!”
Spike looked up at the shattered fifth-floor window. Thanking his lucky stars he was a dragon, he stood up and brushed himself off.
It was then that he noticed the gaze of every stallion nearby; every male eye was glued on him.
“I want him!” Big Mac called out.
“I need him!” Mr. Cake yelled.
“I really like his tail!” Davenport squealed.
Spike ran as fast as his chubby little legs could carry him.
“Twilight Sparkle!” Celestia’s voice boomed through the Ponyville castle.
“Oh, hi, Celestia,” Twilight replied, as the elder alicorn stormed into the throne room. “What brings you here today?”
“I overlooked your use of a restricted, Class-A, mind-altering spell the first time, but this time I must—”
Twilight levitated across a comic book, which Celestia took in her magical grasp.
‘Hot Canterlot Nights: A Princest Story by Barb’
Celestia glowered at the scandalous picture of herself and Luna. In a burst of light, the comic was incinerated.
“Don’t worry, Celestia. The spell will only last a week,” Twilight said, with a smirk on her face. “I’m sure by then, they’ll all have learned their lesson.”
“Cake?” Pinkie Pie asked, proffering a slice to the solar princess.
The fury disappeared from Celestia’s eyes and she gratefully accepted the sweet.
“We’re watchin’ th’ whole mess here on th’ table,” Applejack explained, pointing a hoof towards the table in the center of the room. “Aww, lookit! Caramel almost got th’ little perv!”
“I dunno… the writing’s terrible, but the art in this is pretty good,” Rainbow Dash said, as she set down yet another comic, then moved on to the next. “‘Running of the Leaves?’ Oh, hey, look! I’m in this one! And so’s Applejack! He really got my good side! Well, they’re both my good sides, I guess—”
Applejack scowled as Rainbow Dash held a page open in front of her. “Ah certainly don’t remember doin’ that t’ slow ya down durin’ th’ race!”
“I just don’t understand where our little Spikey-Wikey would have gotten such a crass idea.” Rarity shook her head. “It just seems so unlike him!”
A pink-coated unicorn stormed through the Crystal Empire castle.
“I demand an audience with Cadance!” she screamed as she pushed past another twelve crystal guards. “Let me through at once!”
“Let her through,” Cadance called, as the doors opened wide. She scowled at the pink unicorn storming down the aisle. “You have a lot of nerve coming here, Chrysalis!”
The pink unicorn burst into green flame, and before the throne stood an angry Queen Chrysalis.
“The one who has a lot of nerve is your husband!” the changeling snarled. She opened her saddlebag and levitated a hoofbound manuscript to the princess. “I found four-hundred copies of this trash amongst the workers in my hive!” Chrysalis yelled. “Do you have any idea how long it will take to replace that many executed workers‽”
Cadance looked down at the pages in front of her.
‘Love Bugs: A Chrydance Clopfic, by Gleaming Shield.’
“Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
After Twilight powered down the table’s scrying spell, the girls stumbled out of the throne room.
“Ah can’t believe what Ah jus’ saw!” Applejack guffawed. “Ah swear, Ah ain’t ever gonna let Big Mac live that one down!”
“Oh, don’t be too mean,” Fluttershy said, blushing.
Rainbow Dash trotted out of the throne room, weighed down by a mysteriously acquired and suspiciously full set of saddlebags. “Come on, ‘shy. Even you have to admit it was funny.”
“Well,” Fluttershy said quietly, “I guess it was a little funny!’
“I would just like to know where Big Mac got such darling dresses,” Rarity said, tittering. “He certainly didn’t get them at my boutique.”
“Ah still can’t believe Caramel chose t’ wear one’a them!” Applejack laughed. “Ah swear, Ah ain’t never gonna be able t’ lookit that stallion th’ same way again!”
“I’m sorry again, girls,” Celestia said, her head hung low. “I know you wanted to keep watching, but it was starting to get a little cruel.”
“It’s okay,” Twilight replied. “I was planning on ending the spell on Spike myself.”
“Well, thank you for the wonderful afternoon, girls,” Celestia said, opening her wings and taking flight. “We must catch up for tea and cakes more often.”
The six mares waved to Celestia as she took off for Canterlot.
Big Mac looked around his room, wondering what on Equus had just happened.
Spike sat across the table from him, trussed up like a chicken, wearing a blonde wig and a little floral summer dress. To the left of Big Mac sat Caramel, sporting his own floral-print summer dress and a look of horror on his face.
Big Mac, himself, had a black bowtie and a top hat, and was holding the handle of a pink porcelain tea kettle between his teeth.
Smarty Pants, to Mac’s right, was dressed in her outstandingly fashionable polka-dot pants as usual.
“Uhhh, Big Mac?” Caramel asked.
“Yeah, Caramel?” Big Mac replied, putting the kettle down.
“What’s going on?”
“Ah don’t rightly know… but ain’t no one ever gonna hear about it!”
Both looked down at the little dragon, still tied and gagged.
“I can’t believe you two called me down here for this,” Octavia said, staring at the rolled-up rug by Big Mac’s hooves. “I mean, what does this have to do with me?”
Both Big Mac and Caramel shared a nervous look, before Caramel pulled out a rolled-up comic book. Big Mac was glad that he had been on digging duty.
“What’s this?” Octavia asked, unrolling the comic with her hooves. A fire burned in her eyes when she spied the cover.
Caramel helped Big Mac up, as Octavia kicked the rug into the hole. Big Mac and Caramel started shovelling the dirt back on top.
Octavia grimaced. “And now I’m out of a rug!”
