September

by Raharu

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Lyra, Trixie, Spike, Comedy, Bon-Bon, Sex, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2413

Clop fic written for a September writing contest.

Eric Jewburns (AKA: The Living Tombstone) is a stallion destined to die, the big clock above his head even says so, unless he can figure out how to seduce a certain mare who loves hands. Then everypony dies. Also, Trixie! why not?

Warning: This is satire. It's meant to be offensive to many people. It's also something I did in like 2 hours of writing... if that. I haven't read over it once, nor have I asked anyone to proof read it. I never really intended to either.

Also, it follows the song "September" by The Living Tombstone because it was written at the last second for a fanfic writing contest. You can see the song here:

Published 2012-04-26 03:44:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-26 03:44:03 UTC

September

September
By: Raharu Haruha

Our story begins in Ponyville, a most unusual town. Aside from being a nudist colony, Ponyville has another unusual characteristic. Everypony in it is gay. That's an overstatement, but not by much. The gay society in Ponyville is very prominent. All of the members of city council, gay. All of the teachers in the local schools, gay. Even the local dentist is gay.

However, despite the unconformity, Ponyville is a lovely place to live. Ponies are always nice, except for when they aren't, and you can always see a smile, except for when you can't. It is an ideal town for all, non-homophobic, ponies.

But today Ponyville is about receive a visitor. This fine fellow is an interesting stallion. He was kind and interesting, okay not really. The only interesting thing about him is that he had an unfortunate run in with an evil unicorn who put a spell on him that went something like this:

“Walk around the earth, I command! Until you sleep with a mare who loves hands! And until you complete this take, I give to you! A counter shall remain high above you! And if this countdown clock should stop, then that will be the end of your plot.”

The stallion's name is Eric Jewburns, but he prefers to go by his Gaia name, The Living Tombstone, but that's a little long, so I will call him Eric for the remainder of the story. Eric found himself in a real pickle. He had to sleep with a mare who loved hands, and if you didn't catch it from that tasty rhyme, he would die if it wasn't completed before the countdown clock reached zero.

So Eric lept into the world searching fiercely for a mare who loved hands, but he soon found out that most every pony in Equestria didn't know what hands were. Furthermore, he realized that HE didn't know what hands were, and it's not like Wikipedia exists in Equestria. Eric would have to search for this mystery at they library!

But Eric had another problem. Eric didn't know where the library was either. He had spent most of his college years smoking and licking salt instead of studying, so the concept of the library literally blew his mind. He stood inside of Twilight's tree house, shocked and amazed at the vast amounts of knowledge that lie before him.

“Hands: Noun, The terminal, prehensile part of the upper limb in humans and other primates consisting of the wrist, metacarpal area, fingers, and thumb,” Twilight Sparkle read from the dictionary.

“What?”

“Um, what didn't you understand?”

Spike knew that Twilight meant well, but sometimes she could come off as too pompous, so he decided to step in. “I know a mare who loves hands.”

“You do!?” Eric shouted with joy. “That's great! Who is she? Where is she? How do I meet her? This is great! I have a full two weeks to sleep with her too!” Twilight covered Spike's ears, but he brushed her off, like a tween with fast internet access.

“Yeah, her name is Lyra. She loves hands, but I don't think she's going to be into you.”

“What do you mean? Why?”

“Well that's because her and Bon Bon are ga-.” Twilight shoved her hoof into Spike's mouth.

“Listen, mister. You're not from around here, are you?”

He wasn't. Eric was obviously a tourist to Ponyville. His fake tan, douchy hair cut, and especially his tank top were dead giveaways. Eric had grown up on the Horsey Shore.

“Nay. Why?”

“Well,” Twilight Sparkle looked him square in the eye, “I'm not from around here either, and it took some getting used to, but some ponies around here are different, Lyra and Bon Bon especially. I think it might be best if you just looked for some other mare who likes hands.”

“Like who?”

“Well,” Twilight teleported Spike into the basement of the tree house, “some mare... like me.” Twilight blushed.

Eric was not Twilight's type, but she hadn't be laid in ages. Furthermore Twilight was not Eric's type, but he hadn't been laid in ages either. So they fucked.

I will not go into the details of their encounter, but I will tell you that it was the best sex that Twilight had ever had, even though Spike started to make fart noises from the hall way. Eric had had better, but he still sang the “I Just had Sex” song when he was done.

However, doing the nasty was not effective. Eric still had the countdown clock above his head, and it didn't take him too long to figure out that Twilight didn't like hands at all. She did, however, have a foot fetish.

So the quest was back on. Eric needed to find Lyra and sleep with her. He ran out into the streets of Ponyville and shouted, “Lyra, I'm coming for you! I know you like hands!” This method probably wouldn't have been so effective if Lyra and Bon Bon didn't happen to be sitting right there.

“I'm Lyra, and I do not like hands.”

“You don't?”

“No.”

“But Twilight Sparkle said you do like hands.”

“Listen, I don't know what Twilight has told you, but I don't like hands. I LOVE hands... and humans, and human related accessories... especially if they go on hands.”

“Oh! Well that's great! Let's fuck.”

Bon Bon looked over this newcomer, and she didn't like him one bit. “Um, Lyra...” she said in valley girl accent, “...I like need to speak to you for a second.” Bon Bon pulled Lyra close and whispered in her ear. “Look, I know this guy just said the H word, but that does NOT mean this is okay. I know how you get, and you remember that one time with Daisy. Let's just tell him to buck off and get the hay out of here.”

“Oh, but... look I know he's a stallion, and I know you don't like it, but you're always saying we should try new things, and think of the scientific value! He could teach us so much.”

“About sex or hands?”

“...yes?”

Bon Bon shot her some angry eyes.

“Okay, fine. You're going to give me a hand job when we get home though.”

“Deal.”

Lyra turned around to face Eric and said, “I'm sorry, but you see, I'm already in a relationship.” Lyra lovingly caressed Bon Bon's hoof.

“Oh, well I respect your relationship,” Eric responded, “but do you see this countdown clock above my head? If it reaches zero, I'm going to die, and the only way to stop it is if I sleep with you.”

Bon Bon and Lyra looked at the clock, and then at each other. Then they burst out into laughter. “That has to be the worst pickup line I've ever heard in my life!” Bon Bon shouted at him, but Eric was not about to accept no as an answer.

“Look at the clock!” he shouted. “Now look down. Look up. Now deeply into each other eye's. Now in nine other directions! I'm on a horse.” Eric began to dry hump Lyra.

Bon Bon quickly bucked him in the face with ninja like skills, which sent him flying. She then proceeded to kick his flank until the proper authorities showed up.

While in the Ponyville prison, Eric met a fellow inmate who seemed to be doomed to wind up in jail. His name was O.J. Prison, and his cutie mark was a football behind a bunch of iron bars. The two exchanged pleasantries, meaning that O.J. raped him, which was quite a new experience for O.J. since everypony he had ever met was gay, or at least open to the idea of trying it.

“So what are ya in fur?” O.J. asked Eric.

“I tried to rape some pony.”

“Oh, how nostalgic. Who was it?”

“Lyra Heart Strings.”

“Oh, and I'm guessin' Bon Bon kicked your flank?”

“Yeah, I wouldn't of had to rape her if she'd have just slept with me.”

O.J. laughed. “Ya know she gay, right?”

“What? Oh my Celestia.”

“Ha! What er wrong?”

“She's gay! That's... That's so gay!”

O.J. let out a skin crawling laugh, “Ha. Ha. Ya know you gay now too?”

Eric spent the next six days scrubbing himself with a bar of soap any chance he got.

Twilight Sparkle walked into the prison and looked down at Eric, his coat no longer had that fake tan glow.

“When I heard I came as fast as I could.”

“She came all right. Loudly,” Spike added.

Twilight slapped him across his head. “I have needs Spike!” Then she blushed and said, “Sorry!” Not to Spike. She didn't care about him. She just didn't want any pony to hear what she was about to say next.

Twilight bent in close to Eric so they could whisper, “I put a file in the cake.”

“Well that's dum, couldn't you just teleport him out?” Spike said at the risk of being hit again.

“...” Twilight knew that was a damn good idea, and she actually wondered why she didn't think of it, or why she doesn't do it more often in the show...

“He. He. He.” Twilight laughed. “Finally. It's done. Ha. Ha. Ha. It's finally done. Ha. Ha. Hayk.”

That night, Twilight teleported Eric out of the prison and into her basement. Eric was happy to see her, but Twilight had a serious face on that meant she was about to get down to business. No. Not that kind of business. Sheesh. Twilight had a plan, like she always does, to save Eric.

She built the swagger suit. It looked like something out of a S&M catalog, and it honestly had a similar purpose. The black leather covered everything except for the crotch and boobies. The wearer of the suit would attract all the bitches, once they pressed a giant red button that was located on the top of the Lucadoras' mask. Twilight added zippers on the eyes and mouth for later.

“Look!” Twilight shouted, “I went through a lot of trouble to get you out of there. If they figure out it was me, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble. So you've got to agree to be my sex slave when this is over. If you don't... Well I can teleport you back there right now!”

Eric didn't like the idea. Twilight was a horrible lover, and he knew being her sex slave would mean recreating all sorts of scenes from those fanfics that she kept asking him to read, but it was better than being raped every night of his life until he died. That type of thing just isn't alright with god.

“There is no god,” Twilight said, scaring the crap out of Eric in the process. “Oh, sorry. I just read your mind just now, but you're right. Those homosexual ponies are certainly nasty, but I promise that nothing I write in my fanfics will ever be that bad. I'm not into that kind of domination, so don't worry.”

Eric was freaked out, but he pretty much had no choice. “Fine.” He submitted.

Eric walked towards Lyra and Bon Bon with the swagger suit locked and loaded. They were still sitting in the same spot. Twilight watched from a distance, prepared to cover her eyes when he pressed the button.

“Oh. My. God. Lyra, look at that. It's him.” Bon Bon pointed. Then she shouted at him, “Did you come back for more?” Bon Bon assumed a kung fu pose.

Lyra shouted, just to be silly, “Stop him! He's trying to kill us all! Stop him!”

“No! No. I'm going to save you. I'm going to save you all! Don't you try to stop me! This is your redemption day every pony,” he shouted into the sky, as if god were listening. Bon Bon took this chance to kick him in the jaw.

As his bloody jaw laid on the ground, he screamed, “Go away from me!” at Bon Bon. “Stay away from me. Go away. Ha. Ha.” He took his hoof and hovered it above the button on his head. “You can't touch me now. You see this button here?” Bon Bon was amused at his silly antics, like kung fu masters often are. “I'm ganna press it.” Twilight covered her eyes and looked away while he pressed the button.

Suddenly the swagger suit started to work, and all the bitches came running, but it wasn't exactly like Twilight had planned. Not only was Lyra attracted to him, but every pony in Ponyville, stallions included, was attracted to him. Every pony formed a sort of orgy pile near the bench. Each of them humping and humping, no thought was put into gender what hole was being filled with what. Some of them weren't even hitting holes. Rainbow Dash ate dirt. Twilight couldn't caught in it too. It was madness. Madness I tell you.

This went on for hours. They humped and they humped until there was nothing left.

The Great and Powerful Trixie had a plan. She was going to go back to Ponyville and show all of those dumb mares who the greatest unicorn really was, but when she arrived she was greeted with nothing more than a pile of pony parts formed into a great pile.

“Why... what happened here? I... Why is Trixie so alone?”

Then it dawned on her. She had been wishing for the demise of Ponyville ever since that day.

“Obviously the amazing magical force of the great and powerful Trixie has caused everypony to die a gruesome death! Wahahhaah!”

But then the ghost of Eric emerged from the pile of what used to be ponies. The two talked. Eric told her the story of his life, about all the rape, about all the evil homosexual ponies, and all the fact that there really is no god.

“This bores Trixie. The main character was stupid and homophobic. Characters should go through some sort of growth. They should conquer some obstacle, and there should be a solid plot and theme. Your story just bounces around randomly with poorly motivated love scenes and in the end the main character didn’t learn anything. Come back when you learn how to write a story!” Trixie did some shit, and Eric was no more.

The End.

PS: Fuck you Trixie.