Maid to Serve

by Viking Hoof

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Human
Length: 4040

Aurora immigrated to Equestria hoping to start a business. One whirlwind of disappointment later she finds herself a personal maid to Equestria's lowest ranking and dumbest royal. Unfortunately she has to stick with it.

The two interplanetary portals opened inches away from each other, magic and technology culminating in a set of coincidences that defy belief (or good writing). This isn't that story.

That was long ago. Trade, immigration, all things normal to relations have been established. The United Nations (backers of the Terran portal project) have come to be a real political force and semi-alliance between most western and modernized Asian countries much to the chagrin of the world's conservatives. The Triarchy of Equestria controls the other side. Things are interesting.

Aurora immigrated to Equestria hoping to start a business. One whirlwind of disappointment later she finds herself a personal maid to Equestria's lowest ranking and dumbest royal.

Unfortunately she has to stick with it. Fabricating a new identity for a human in Equestria twice is next to impossible.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-19 21:50:06 UTC

Maid to Suffer

“I-I-I’m not a bad stallion! Those dykes wouldn’t know quality if it bit them in the ass!”

Yep, it was one of those days. Aurora tried her best to stem the flow of tear and snot into her dress with a gentle pat on the back for Equestria’s only prince. All said prince did in return was pull back to breathe, making a small snot bridge between his nose and the shoulder of her maid uniform. There was a stain where the little bridge of mucus connected with her uniform. There were similar but faded stains all over the uniform, expertly hidden with dye and posture.

Our protagonist sighed as she wiped the snot off her shoulder. If it were up to her she’d drag him to a laundry and teach him a lesson, but he was her boss, and that complicated things. Not that he could fire her. She wasn't sure what had set him off this time, but it seemed that he’d overheard a group of mares ranting about him behind his back.

You’d think that a stallion who was so hurt by people calling him an evil prick would either learn to stop being an evil prick or toughen up, but every time this happened her employer did the same exact thing. He’d run right into her arms and cry his tiny little blackened and underused heart out. She'd have complained to the stallion's mother, but regretfully everything the mares said was true, and no charges of slander would be accepted by any court.

Unfortunately for Aurora, her contract mandated that she provide moral support. Thus she was stuck dealing with these little tantrums on a weekly basis instead of kicking the little monster in the head, or perhaps under the tail.

“T-thank you Aurora. It’s just that… they called me such terrible th-hi-hiiiings!” Aurora groaned as the stallion dived back in against her shoulder to start sobbing all over again.

The dumb little nightmare of a stallion even thought she liked him. She hadn't meant to mislead him. She’d even told him outright what she thought about him. The prince just lived in a little fantasy world where they were best buddies and she didn't want to rip his tongue out every time he ranted about queers, or dykes, or dirty monkeys, or overgrown pigeons, or striped pony wannabees, or mule faced donkeys, or filthy peasants, or… any one of the innumerable groups that her employer found a reason to dislike.

Thus was her lot in life, but it was a technically well funded lot. It even used to have chances for promotion, before the little monster decided to transfer her to his private retinue without bothering to consult her. Where her darling employer was a dumb brick, his lawyers were not, and they had found several cruel and demeaning ways to ensure that she would never find another job if she ever dared try to leave the prince’s employ.

She'd come to Equestria through the portal with a business degree hoping to start a business, but quickly discovered ponies had a discriminatory loan policy concerning cutie marks. No special mark corroborating your claimed skill or validifying your ideas meant no loans. Of course that was then. Several legal challenges later and suddenly Equestrian banks are asking you what degrees you have instead of asking you to pull down your underwear so they can see what's tattooed on your butt. Too little too late for Aurora.

Aurora smiled thankfully as the prince began to slowly stop sobbing. This had dragged on long enough, and she had a trail of tears and snot to clean up, not to mention a suit to take to the cleaners, a handkerchief to burn, and a few mares to teach the skill of whispering too.

Then she had a royal purse to ruthlessly gouge of bits to pay off all these tasks with just two (as his lawyers had painfully instructed was the legal limit) to tip herself. Of course, she would then have to pay out of pocket to get her dress washed. It had been getting so expensive to get the snot stains out she’d bought a washing board and started doing it by hand.

As mentioned previously, her pay was technically very good. It was just lost under the mountain of bills Blueblood's lawyers had dumped on her and the expenses that babying a full grown stallion generated.

Many humans and ponies would have broken down by this point, many unfortunate mares had, but not Aurora. For she had other goals that require that she baby the wet blanket prince, and the strength of will to not brain him with a steel poker.

She froze as her boss stole a nuzzle. He’d been getting too liberal with the touching lately. Of course, he still called her a filthy monkey to her face. He just tried to pinch her ass afterwards.

She sighed in relief as the prince trotted off to wash his face. He'd inevitable call her to give him a sponge bath or shower, but she could sneak suds into his mouth when he whined then. For now she had a few moment's respite as he struggled to get the faucets set just right.

Once Aurora was sure he was engaged in his dumb struggle, she slowly arose and approached his desk. She paused once more, listening for the sound of water and whine.

Satisfied that no one would interrupt her, Aurora stepped behind the desk and began to look over his papers. Technically she was his secretary, but if he knew when she edited his documents he'd double check them more thoroughly. As it was, she actually managed to help minimize the damage brick for brains did to Equestria on a regular basis, and even help it in some ways.

A raging homophobe convention wanted a endorsement and for him to attend? The prince suddenly had a doctor's appointment to go to, and the response letter was on a oddly short piece paper that just happened to look like it had been cut in half. At the same time she happened to find half a letter with a princely endorsement that with a little white wash could help a low income serving medical clinic.

A orphanage donation that met the minimum requirement for a certain tax break? A few zeros magically appeared, the decimal point moved, and now the cute little things got new toys, textbooks, and sheets. She made sure the orphanage mentioned Blueblood's name as little as possible. Explaining that his highness wanted to keep the good deeds on the down low.

As Blueblood's lawyers explained in a cold heartless tone, this would be her job till the Prince tired of her, or she would live as a penniless beggar. Since Princey had slowly come to rely on her for everything, she would never be fired. Ergo, she was trapped in this thankless job till she shriveled up and died of old age. Aurora had decided she might as well do some good before she killed herself or him.

Unfortunately, this had the side effect of hiding Blueblood's bigotry and idiocy from the public at large. Only the other nobility knew of how big of a prick the prince could be. He had moved out of the castle and into the public eye right before hiring her.

Doubly unfortunately, she had to wisely invest the prince's money for him to prevent those extra zeros from upsetting his lawyers. After all, they did care about his well being. It just happened to be a coincidence that the investment portfolio she drew up happened to benefit friends and family of said lawyers.

Aurora sighed as she confronted today's impending disasters. The prince had been busy finding new things to hate. There was a dozen angry hate letters for a hospital he had probably never stepped hoof in, and notes indicating she should mark their envelopes to go out to a collection of newspapers. She'd dealt with hate mail before, but a hospital was a new one.

Aurora gave the letters another look over.

Correction, a foal hospital. It seems his highness thought that foal hospitals should be torched and their staff and little foal patients euthanized. There were too many curse words to white out to change the letter to a endorsement, but he only mentioned the hospital's name a few times.

Aurora smiled as the magical white wash did its work, moving around the ink to make room for her edits and leaving little trace of tampering. Being Blueblood's secretary gave her access to materials normally only given to royal scribes, something she abused sparingly.

It seemed the prince now had a very strong opinion on animal testing, and the practice of euthanasia of pets back on earth. It wouldn't have too much of an impact on things for the wonderful blue globe across the portal, but it would hopefully give animal rights activists a field day.

Of course she would do her duty and mail the letter to all the major news groups, just as her boss had asked. And when he read the paper tomorrow she would remind him of how much he had ranted about human's barbarous meat eating, and how unicorns (his tiny brain at least had the presence of mind to know he would never include Pegasi or Earthponies) were the superior moral race.

"AURORAAAAAA! I THINK THE SINK IS BROKEN. WASH ME!"

Aurora grimaced in frustration and gently fingered the small blade she kept in her maid uniform's apron. The small dagger had replaced her friends as the main anchor for her sanity. It was a reassuring bit of glass that was inert to magic, the perfect back up plan if he ever drove her over the edge.

The prince had no idea how close he had come several times already. So close to discovering how much his "dear friend" and servant knew about pony physiology and how to cut meat efficiently (her father had been a butcher). So close, but not close enough for her to abandon her tasks.

But she let it go. Blueblood hadn't done anything to truly deserve death. That isn't to say that he wouldn't have without her around, but in a ironic twist of fate she had probably saved him from death at the hands or hooves of an angry mob.

Aurora slipped on the vacant little smile she'd learned in training. It hurt just to use it, but it was a daily necessity for her dealings with the Prince.

The bathroom was in the back of the manor, with pipes leading to the cliff edge rather than underground. It, like most Canterlot bathrooms, was compact but lavish. It was a product in the dissonance between available money and available land. The former far far out numbered the later.

The entitled little prick was sitting staring at a hand mirror as his right hoof simply pointed to the tub. Inconceivably, Aurora managed to hold her smile as she leaned over the rim to turn the small faucet handles.

She didn't need to, but Aurora confirmed that the prince was staring at her ass with a glance in the bathroom mirror. His highness was as predictable as ever.

Aurora fiddled with the small handles and got some water running. She made sure to turn the cold water tap just so, and position the hoof cleaners just right. The tap water was perfect, but... better for the reader to see for themselves.

Once the shower water was properly warmed she waved the prince over. His highness idly meandered over and stepped in as always.

The prince smiled dully in pleasure as he stepped in, proof of his enjoyment.

"It's too cold." Not that he wouldn't lie out of his teeth about how much he liked it. Aurora wasn't sure if he was just whining, or if it was some insane desire for unattainable perfection that drove the prince to whine. The shower water was actually heated to the perfect temperature via magic scanner just for the prince, but Aurora knew that the prince wanted a show.

Aurora smiled as she "accidentally" knocked the switch for the fetlock cleaner. The surprised "yelp" of the prince was heaven on her ears as icey water assaulted his hooves.

She'd discovered this trick while installing the water temperature regulator. It was a set up in the pipes and actually used enchanted pipes to hide itself from unicorn detection. The revenge of some poor servant made to serve the Blue family before her. The ingenious bastard was a credit to hand servant everywhere. If the temperature was set just right, within micrometers, then a certain valve would open and instead of taking the water from the rest of the shower, the fetlock cleaners would take water directly from the icebox.

She rapidly adjusted the water tap to disable her private prank before the prince became too traumatized. He simply gave her a angry glare.

"I don't know why I keep you. A proper servant would know how to handle a shower." Of course he never realized that it was intentional. The darling little idiot never would. She called it a fault in the pipes, he insisted that the steward of the house fixed it, and she, who also happened to be the house steward, never did.

Aurora turned her hands to the Prince's coat, using her aunt's massage technique to shut the prince's mouth. Magic aside, all mammals enjoyed a massage. It was a combination of grooming and muscle relief, social, intimate, and physical. She'd once watched a video where a man gave a elephant a massage using pistons and silicon fingers, the beast literally passed out in contentment.

As she kneaded and groomed, the prince became putty in her hands, much like his life had become putty in her hands. It was a good analogy for their relationship. He was a lazy good for nothing who got to feel good, and she was the intelligent hard worker who controlled his every second of life while he abused her.

Just to prove her little analogy, Aurora invoked a small neck twitch with pressure to his upper spine. With the right pressure and a little help she could make him twitch so hard he broke his own neck. She had been tempted to do it, but the blackmail it would expose would be a damning motive. The maid training at the castle would disprove the ignorance plea.

The training for the castle staff had been intensive and invigorating. Most of the ones entering the program dropped out, but those that graduated got great pay and retirement benefits.

She used to have that. Unfortunately Blueblood's retinue did not get such benefits. On paper, she should have been making more to compensate.

Aurora pointedly ignored the prince's growing boner. Ponies had a small edge over humans (only in size, never endurance), but the prince was small even for a man of his weight. Aurora had seen her fair share of dicks in high school (porn), but for the most part she wasn't interested.

Aurora smiled truthfully as the prince's tail finished soaking. Now was the time she had waited for, soaping time.

With a ruthless intent, Aurora grabbed and lifted the small shampoo bottle in saw basket next to the tub, a specially chosen brand just for the prince.

It had taken her friends a while, but here was a bottle that could cause a long protracted but safe burning of the eyes. Perfectly safe, but no fun at all, if you were the one with it in your eyes. It was funny as hell for everyone else.

The screams echoed throughout the manor.

"Shut up you big baby." The prince turned to Aurora and pouted, with his eyes shut tight. Revenge was sweet. His boner was also thankfully gone.

Once the prince was finished being washed, Aurora dragged his ass out of the shower. Once she had the water off, she grabbed several towels and began drying the prince. He whined about her being too rough right after whining about her being too slow, without any change on her end. All the usuals.

Once he was down to damp, Aurora dropped the towels and grabbed the mane brush. She raised it to brush his mane, but it seemed the prince had other plans.

Aurora grunted in frustration as the damp prince dodged the manebrush again. It was bad enough that he had decided to fire his mane stylist because she smelled odd (the prince didn’t go anywhere near red foods, like strawberries, because they were "gross"), but he insisted that his poor little maid do it too. Sure, she was already his personal hand servant, and only house cleaner, and secretary, and bedtime story reader, and a off and on again chef, but one extra hat wouldn’t make the stack fall over.

Of course since these were jobs of the royal retinue, there were real bucking hats she had to put on. Tradition was a real bitch.

Literally. That mare was almost as retarded as Aurora's employer. It was probably the reason she was the only member of his retinue that didn't insult him to his face before quitting.

Aurora filed that rant away and focused on putting Blueblood in a headlock. He'd whine and complain about how she moved the brush with the grace of a Minotaur in a chineigh shop, but he'd whine louder if she didn't get his mane brushed. Plus, this way she got to sneak in a few chokes.

She smiled as the prince's hoof slipped on that one spot of floor she had given an extra bit of wax in preparation, and fell right into her arms neck first.

Her unfortunate employer gulped loudly as she tightened her grip and prepared just a fraction of his just desserts.

She used to get her rants out when chatting with her friends on the castle work staff, but that was before Blueblood's toxicity oozed into that part of her life and scared her last friends away.

Aurora lightened up a bit as blue blood began to look too literal. Several eternities in a prison was a better deterrent than she would admit.

The ever working maid sighed as she began to fix the prince's mess of a mane. It wouldn't do to send him out in his current state. He'd just come running to her when someone commented on it, or worse, set a trend.

Aurora shuddered at the thought of how many barbers and hair stylists would send her angry letters for letting that happen. Better to just wash him then have to pay the fees the city charged for high mail volume. They had forgiven that bill once, a third time would get them making some new and nasty fees. Canterlot's city government was a very proactive tax collector, and very against humans.

Once the prince was presentable, not that he didn't whine about how he looked anyway, Aurora sent him out of the room. She took just a moment to relax before he could summon her.

Moments like this were rare.

Aurora groaned as the sound of rustling cloth emanates from her employer's room. She wouldn't have long now.

She suspected that this bedroom had been intended to be the parent's bedroom, and Blueblood's room was the children's room. It was an embarasing analogy if it was true.

If there had been a wall where she marked all the ways that Blueblood was pathetic, then she'd have run out-

"AURORA!" Ahh, there it was. He was ready to go. Aurora admitted that it was probably unhealthy how much she thought of and despised Blueblood, but the stallion had hijacked her life. Yes, she was currently counter-hijacking his, but she was at least leaving the illusion that he was in total control, that all of the love was for his ideas.

She rose up and left the small room that was all that she could call her own.

The hall outside her room warranted description. Put simply, it was Blueblood's shrine to himself. When you gave it a lot of time and thought, it was a monument in the worship of narcissus via Blueblood. When you gave it even more thought, you remembered that Blueblood was an idiot, and it was really just his attempt at interior decorating by sticking his self inflated image everywhere.

The livingroom also warranted description. It was the only room which had survived Blueblood's campaign of interior disaster. singular in its nature, simply because it contained the only picture of Blueblood's family. Of course, there weren't any group paintings. Each was a narcissistic mug shot of a probably slightly less stupid family member. Each preceding generation looked less and less stupid, but there wasn't anything nearing normal stupid for 20 generations back, and that was all it contained.

There was also a noticeable pattern of the family expanding and then shrinking. Either they'd stopped accepting family members farther from the heir, or the family had began to succumb to infertility. Was probably incest, noble families had suffered from that back on the beautiful blue sphere before modern romance clawed into their young ones' minds along with a belated dose of rock and roll.

"AURORA!" The next room contained Blueblood. He blotted out all interesting facts with his empty head. "Aurora you naked buffoon, where have you been?!" She wasn't actually naked. He just called all humans that.

Aurora gave her employer a smile that would scare anyone of half a brain. Blueblood lacked that half.

"Sorry Master Blueblood. I was admiring the hall." The mental equivalent of a rock, Blueblood, smiled at the imagined compliment. Aurora grabbed the umbrella from the stand next to the door, and stood to attention next to it. "Ready master Blueblood?" The unicorn nodded. She stepped out feeling much like a poor Mary Poppins with umbrella in hand.

She held the door open for him. He trotted out in what he probably thought was a regal fashion, but to the discerning eye it looked like he really had to go to the bathroom. It was all leg and air, kind of jumpy. It was a imitation of the way show horses' trotted, knees in the air, but Blueblood just couldn’t pull it off.

Aurora expertly held back a snort. A skill well honed in Blueblood’s employ.

Outside a normal noble’s house, there was usually a well kept yard and a waiting carriage. Unfortunately for Blueblood, not even the kind of quiet stallion who pulls a carriage could put up with him. Aurora was currently making due with taxi’s, but there were a diminishing number of cabbies who were ignorant of his the kind of verbal abuse he can dish out, and there weren’t many to begin with.

There weren’t any taxi companies in Canterlot, the nobles usually had private carriages, most ponies could walk long distances if they took it slow, and most didn’t travel very far. The only ones on the cliff top were private ventures.

They could possibly buy a custom made motorcycle and cart, she’d have to add driving him around to her duties, but it would be a lasting solution to getting his royal ass around.

But for now there were still innocent cabbies that would drive Blueblood around for her.

She had called for one with proper diligence, and it was waiting for the two of them outside the front gate.

“Aurora, bring him to the front door, I don’t wish to walk today.” Aurora stared at him for a moment. The gate was rusted over. He knew it was rusted over. The only thing that it would allow through was something the width of a pony, there was no way it would…

“W-what are you- put me down! No! AURORA!” She heaved him over her shoulder and strolled towards the gate. “HOW ARE YOU EVEN CARRYING ME?!” Ignoring his protestations, she dropped him into the carriage and signaled for the coach man to move out. He gave her an odd look, but he obeyed her regardless.