Breaking Standards

by TheGlitchInTheMatrix

Rating: teen
Tags: Octavia, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Adventure, Main 6, Cake Twins, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character
Length: 44177

Hyper-Intelligent, but stuck in Equestria, a human, hiding among the native humans,named Rick, breaks typical human standards. Inspired by the YHaY-Verse.

Humans are lame and dumb creatures. Nothing more than a simple-minded Beast of Burden and the occasional house Companion. Everypony knows this! It's common knowledge. But what happens when the human isn't lame or dumb? What if he wasn't a simple-minded Beast of Burden? What if he wasn't just a simple house Companion? There are things, after all, that a human simply shouldn't be able to do...
Meet Rick, a human, hiding among native humans, in a pony's world, and here to accidentally break all standards.

Inspired by the Your Human and You-verse

Cover Art: Custom hand drawn by Insync of TheGlitchInTheMatrix

Editing: Sequence and Firewall of TheGlitchInTheMatrix

Published 2014-10-27 16:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-23 22:07:49 UTC

If It's Broke, Fix It

This Chapter has been Re-written/Added to, and it is recommended to Re-read

The Double Standard

The human mind is a rather curious thing; it has empathy, apathy, sympathy, and can easily dystrophy. It is malleable, yet unbreakable at times, it is tender, yet tough at others. Is it simply because the human mind can’t decide what it wants to do? Can the mind, being trapped as itself, really comprehend what it is that it wants?

At times, the mind can be full of only the best. But should a single entry of thought prove just lightly off balance, everything of the mind becomes dark.

To these people, we say, "let them be, because we have no idea what they've been through." And to those that are balanced, we say, "it must be nice not to have a care in the world."

The mind is never in the middle of opinion. It is wanted, or isolated. It is loved, or hated. It is strong in solidarity, or weak in separation. It is coveted, or it is despised.

It is innocent… or it is evil.

Innocence is a Virtue

“Remember, Stacy, we’re only gonna be at your uncle’s for a few minutes, but you need to leave him alone, alright?”

“But why, mama?”

“He’s very angry, and hasn’t entirely recovered from his accident yet. You know that, so why do you ask every time?”

“I don’t know,” a very young girl, around 13 years old, sat idly in the backseat of her mom’s sedan, concerned about her meeting with her uncle.

“I know you’re sad for him, but sometimes, things happen that no one could have been ready for and can very easily destroy everything we’ve worked so hard to accomplish,” the driver, a woman in her mid-thirties, glanced in her rearview mirror at her daughter.

She sat there, gazing out the window with pale-blue eyes and a sad frown. Her blonde pigtails bounced as she swiveled her head around to look back at her mom, “How come he doesn’t go to a doctor?”

The mom sighed deeply, “I’ve told you that already too: he has, many times, but there just isn’t anything anyone can do.”

Stacy just glanced down at her little hands, saddened by her uncle’s plight, but unsure of how she could help.

For several silent minutes, the sedan cruised through neighborhood roads until they slowed to a stop at a specific house. The house was very small, and seemed unassuming enough that no one would guess that a once incredible man lived there, now turned angry and spiteful. After her mom opened her door, Stacy hopped out and gazed up at the house’s front door, already dreading her uncle’s empty stare.

Every week for the two years that her uncle had been in that accident, they would stop by and drop off groceries or help with any chores that were out of his ability. Today was a grocery drop.

“Come on, honey. We still have a lot to do at home after this,” Stacy’s mom declared, slamming the trunk of the car closed and began walking to the door with multiple plastic bags in each hand.

Hesitating for a moment, Stacy watched her mom’s ponytail, equally as blonde as Stacy’s sway with her steps until Stacy began walking along as well. The trip to the front door seemed to be much longer than the ten paces it took to get there, and in that expanse, Stacy thought of something to ask her uncle, without her mom hearing of course, as she wasn’t supposed to be bothering him anyway.

“Rick? It’s me, Ally!” Stacy’s mom called through the door after a firm knock. After only a moment, the whirring of an electrical scooter could be heard moving toward the door from within, a creak as someone pressed against the door, followed by a metallic sliding and clacking of the deadbolt and doorknob being relieved of their locked positions.

The door slowly whooshed open and Stacy had just caught a glimpse of the back of her uncle’s scooter as he withdrew back into the house.

“Come on, sweetie,” Ally whispered to her daughter, slipping through the doorway.

Stacy swallowed her fear, steeled herself for her plan to confront her uncle, and waltzed right in. Her mom had already headed to the kitchen to drop off the groceries and sort them to put them away in their respective places. However, Stacy continued walking through the main hallway, passing the kitchen, and heading straight into the living room, where her uncle sat in his scooter, lazily staring out the window overlooking the barren backyard.

All around the room, the walls were plastered with accolades and awards and mementos. There wasn't even the tiniest bit of the original wall in view; all of it covered by various posters, shelves, plaques, trophies, and knick-knacks of varying shapes and sizes.

All of it was a sorrowful reminder of who Rick once was, and it made Stacy mourn for her uncle even more. She hoped that what she had to say would spark something in his head.

“Uncle Rick?” Stacy whispered.

He made no indication that he had heard her, so she moved to his side so that he could see her. Even after she stepped right into his line of sight, he still made no movement. His eyes only flickered toward her, barely acknowledging her presence. At his seated position and Stacy’s standing height, they were eye to eye.

For a moment, Stacy wanted to just forget what she had planned, and wanted to just leave this place. The coldness she got from him contrasted painfully from the twinkling warmth she remembered. But her mind was made up; she was going to tell him what she needed to say.

Blue eyes met brown, Stacy noted the scars along her uncle’s right brow, cheek, and jaw line where he was burned or surgically repaired, and she gulped nervously. Finally, her hands raised and flashed in numerous signs so that she could silently speak to her uncle without her mother hearing.

Uncle Rick, can I ask you something? Stacy’s fingers danced out. Since her uncle was mute, the family had learned sign language so they could understand what he was saying.

He didn’t move, but she could tell that his focused had shifted to her.

When I was little, you told me that I could do whatever I wanted to do when I grew up. I just had to put my mind to it. What does that mean?

Her uncle remained motionless still, the same scowl ever present on his forehead and eyebrows.

What did you mean ‘just put my mind to it’? Stacy’s fingers asked again.

Finally, her uncle’s hands moved, Forget everything I ever told you about that, it’s a waste of time and worthless effort that can be easily taken away.

Then can I tell you what think? Not about putting my mind to something, but thinking about somebody else? , Stacy asked.

Her uncle returned to being non-responsive.

I want to ask if you remember someone. Someone who told me that my mind was special, that my mind was perfect just for being mine. So what’s wrong with yours that you don’t think yours is just as special?

Her uncle just sat there, still not responding by body-language or sign language, with his cold eyes just staring into hers. He recognized the words he told her back when he was still a whole person, but they seemed to ring very differently now than back when he first spoke them.

Nothing is wrong with my mind, his fingers flashed, but everything is wrong with this God forsaken world, where people can so easily steal your health, so easily ruin your life by being stupid and brain-dead. Forget all that nonsense I ever told you about your mind because, in the end, when someone wants to take everything from you, intentionally or not, it’s meaningless.

Stacy let her hands fall, tears slowly coming forth into her eyes. It so badly hurt her to see her uncle so low when he used to be on top of the world. This wasn’t how she thought this was going to turn out, her young mind fantasizing about her uncle realizing her words of wisdom and deciding that enough was enough and he would remember who he used to be.

“It’s not meaningless,” Stacy pulled something out of her pocket and unceremoniously tossed it onto her uncle’s lap, “because you were the one who said it.” Stacy shuffled out of the living room and into the kitchen, away from her uncle’s coldness.

Once again, he was left alone to his own devices, but he wasn’t any happier from it. He could hear his sister and niece finishing up in the kitchen, move to the front door, open it up and call out a goodbye before it closed once again. The house instantly fell back into its almost lifeless atmosphere.

For many hours, Rick sat there, unthinking, unmoving, and uncaring to the world and time around him until he became vaguely aware of a weight in his lap.

He looked down and picked up the offending object, just about ready to toss it aside without a second glance before he caught something glittering on it.

Carefully, he looked it over, not immediately recognizing the object itself, but immediately noticing what was attached to it. A cartoon atom symbol, a cartoon rocket, a silver panel with a brain etched into it, a cartoon horse with a rainbow over it, and finally, a simple golden ball.

He remembered each specific event for every charm that he saw. The atom symbol was from the chemical and medicinal labs he worked at, studying the effects of biochemical interactions with synthetic chemical and non-biochemical substances. He brought her one time to try and make her own weak form of aspirin. Somehow, she managed to create a sweet tasting substance that seemed to pack an energy blast rather than alleviate small pains.

The rocket was from a time that he took her to an air show that was demonstrating the prowess of a new jet plane that he designed with a team of engineers. Just after the show, she wanted to meet the other engineers and they spent the rest of the night tinkering in the air hanger. Stacy had cobbled together a rather unimpressive looking rocket that had surprisingly flown quite well and even landed on its tail end after its chutes gently guided it back down from a better-than-most launch.

The brain was a simple charm that he had given Stacy after she won second place at her school’s science fair. She was younger than almost all the other applicants, and alongside her impressive dioramas and models of the respiratory system of the human body, she had caught the interests of many. Her face as it lit up with pride when called on stage to receive her prize and her turning to find her uncle in the crowd to wave at him with a bright smile on her face. He had smiled and waved back, cheering loudly and causing her to smile even more than what was previously thought to be impossible.

The horse was when he came back from Spain, where he had participated in the Running of the Bulls event. Purposefully, he had stayed in the back of the crowd with a stabilized camera strapped to his back so he could come back home and show Stacy what he did. All the while, during the review of the video, Stacy sat, mouth agape in amazement as she watched the powerful creatures trying to reach her fearless uncle. She could hear his raucous laughter and the cacophony of angry snorts from the bulls as the video jostled about. He promised he would take her one day to join him when she was older, giving her the charm as a reminder.

But it was that last simple charm that did something phenomenal. Normally, younger children aren’t very careful of such small belongings and wind up never completing a charm bracelet. This particular charm was the first that he had ever given her, and one that he was especially surprised to see even now. She was only six when she got it. She kept her bracelet for seven years.

The phenomenal thing that had happened when he saw that gold ball… was the first tear to ever fall from his eyes in two years. His fist closed down on the bracelet, and a strange, raspy whimper emanated from his throat.

For the first time in years, he cried openly, his body wracked with unsuppressed sobs as he remembered the events of him giving her that ball with the lucidity only granted to those with photographic memories.

When she was only four, she decided she wanted to learn how to play the piano. Since she knew that he could play, she had come to him to ask him to teach her. Everyday after school, she came to his house to sit and learn how to play. After she learned how to place her hands and to time the motions of the chords with her feet depressing the pedals to allow the chords to ring or mute in time, he moved on to teaching her how to play in time.

He remembered smiling at the site of such a small girl in such a large instrument. He remembered how he built a special bench just for her, and placed extensions on the pedals to allow her to reach. He remembered the sheer joy in her eyes as they glistened in excitement as she immediately jumped on it and delightedly screamed that she was ready to learn.

Above the cabinet of the piano was a silent metronome that worked on two magnets pulling a metal ball from side to side so that it swung forever on a one-fourth time. It could be adjusted, but he left it at that time to confuse her less. The little gold ball that hung from the charm bracelet was that very ball.

She would watch it sway, playing the keys of the piano in time to the ball hitting the arc of its swing, smiling as she would often say that she “liked watching the ball dance” when she played.

As a joke, Rick had picked up the metronome and started ballroom dancing with it as if it were a human partner. Stacy laughed loudly, trying to keep up her waltz on the piano as she watched her silly uncle prancing and skipping about with the metronome. He danced so vigorously that the string on the ball snapped.

They had both collapsed to the floor, laughing uproariously at the comedy of the entire situation. When they had finally calmed down, Rick took off his silver bangle, soldered a hoop on it, and tied the little gold ball to it, giving it to his niece and saying, “You can do whatever you want to do when you grow up, sweetie. You just have to put your mind to it and then you can do it! Just like how you learned to play the piano. I want you to look at this ball and every time you do I want you to remember one thing: My uncle is such a good dancer, he can break metronomes!”

Now, sitting alone in his empty house, Rick cried openly, finally remembering the man he used to be and now very angry that that man was killed by him.

For another hour, he cried and desperately clung to the charm bracelet. The bracelet itself was not the same as the one he used, but rather a more feminine chain, more fitting for a little girl, rather then the solid band he gave her. That as testimony in itself with how much she cherished her uncles sentiment.

She may have discarded a the body, but she kept the core of the item, the charms that made such a trinket special. He could only weep that she had more faith in him than he had in himself.

He was ready to give up after his body was destroyed, becoming a prison for his mind. But now, he was going to break free.

Slowly, he gathered himself together before turning the scooter to the kitchen where his phone was. Steeling himself, he picked up the phone from the base and punched in a number.

It rang a few times before a woman answered. Since he couldn’t speak, and the receiver of the call was familiar with how he would try to communicate over the phone, he tapped on the receiver of the phone in a very precise measure.

“Rick? What do you need?” Ally’s voice responded in surprise.

I need some more things from the stores, but I need you to go to my old Chem. Lab and get a bunch of stuff for me first. Talk to Clarisse, mention test number Zero Four, she’ll take care of the rest, Rick tapped out in Morse code.

“Uh, alright. You feeling okay?” Ally asked.

I’m doing very well now. Tell Stacy that she was right, something was wrong with my mind, and I’m going to need her help to fix it!

If it’s Broke, Fix It

“So what exactly happened that he just calls for me out of the blue after five years?” a voluptuous redhead with frameless glasses who sat in the sedan’s passenger seat asked.

“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask my daughter,” Ally replied.

The redhead turned her green eyes to Stacy, who sat in her place in the backseat with a hopeful smile on her face, “He said he’s going to fix himself.”

“You don’t say,” the redhead turned back around, “You do know that what he probably plans on doing with this equipment is highly illegal, right?” she asked Ally.

She shrugged, “Sometimes you gotta do whatcha gotta do; if no one else could fix him, than there isn’t a doubt in my mind that he can fix himself. Can I ask what exactly this thing is?”

“I’m afraid not,” the redhead shook her head, “it’s a secret project that you shouldn’t even have heard about.”

“But Uncle Rick knows what he’s doing right?” Stacy asked.

The redhead scoffed, “He designed the thing, so he better know how to work it ‘cause I sure as hell don’t.”

“Language. Please, Clarisse,” Ally reprimanded.

“Uhp, sorry about that,” Clarisse apologized.

For several more minutes, Stacy’s mom tried to pry any information about the strange device lashed to the top of their roof, and the odd supplies in the plastic crates that resided in their car’s trunk. But Clarisse was not budging and Ally’s patience was no where near the level it needed to be to beat hers.

However, Stacy could only sit there and think about how happy she was that her uncle was trying to come back to her. After two long and saddening years, she was going to get her uncle back!

As before, the sedan cruised through the neighborhood and slowed to a stop at the curb of her uncle’s house. Stacy didn’t even wait for her mother to open her door and just hopped out, scrambling to open the trunk as fast as she could and run the first of three plastic crates to her uncle and begin healing him.

“She must really love her uncle,” Clarisse commented, watching Stacy knock on the door and call out for her uncle.

“More than you know; he taught her everything she knows except for the things she has to learn at school. They’ve done a lot with each other ever since she was born,” Ally responded, pulling her upper body out from the trunk with the second crate.

Clarisse watched the door open and Stacy disappear within. Clarisse hadn’t seen her colleague after the accident and was a little apprehensive about seeing him now after five years, even though his accident was two years prior to now.

Taking a deep breath, she grabbed the last crate, shut the trunk door, and followed Ally into the house.

“Uncle Rick!” Stacy shouted with joy after searching the house and finding him in the kitchen, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him as tightly as she could without hurting her uncle.

Ally stopped short watching the familiar smile spread over her brother’s face as he wrapped up his niece in his own arms. She hadn’t seen him smile in so long and it was joyous to see it again.

After all that he had been through, it seemed to have retained its shine, not at all tarnished with his antagonistic times.

“Ricardo? Estàs tù?” Ally asked, unsure of how else to respond. Her Spanish coming forward as her mind tried to catch up.

Rick leaned around Stacy and smiled, lifting his hands to sign to her, Sì, hermana! Soy yo. He signed each letter, to spell the Spanish counterparts in sign, as a poke at his sisters bewilderment.

No longer able to deny it, Ally began to tear up and joined Stacy in hugging her once lost brother. Clarisse had walked in a moment after, but decided to just continue to the living room and allow the family their moment.

I’m so sorry, he tapped in Morse code on their backs, that I lost touch with the man I used to be. But I found him again after so long! He’s gonna try to fix me.

Stacy leaned back, tears running down her cheeks but a happy smile on her lips, “Are you going to fix yourself now?”

Yes, baby, Rick signed with a smile, I’m going to fix everything!

After the two women lugged the bulky device off the roof of the car and set it up in the living room, Rick immediately began setting up with Stacy in the kitchen. Clarisse was in the living room setting up the strange machine that resembled a telescope crossed with a sewing machine, and stood a good 4 feet tall.

“So what next, Tìo?” Stacy asked after turning on a bunsen burner and sticking a crucible over it that contained a white powder.

I need you to mix that acid compound from earlier with the hydrogen solution at a four to one. Then get the .2M hydrofluoric acid and set it over the cylinder with the cleaning solution.

Stacy moved to comply, swift and sure as if she had done this all of her life. She was very bright for her age, and her excitement for her uncle only helped to ramp up her focus and concentration, contrary to what excitement normally does to children her age.

“Alright, I need the 500mL flask to move the liquid nitrogen. What measure do you need for Compound 3?” Stacy asked, hand out to receive the Erlenmeyer Flask she requested.

Rick handed it to her, never losing focus on his mixtures, a hundred milliliters.

Stacy took a pipette and measured out the mentioned amount, placing it into the powder in the crucible. Immediately, the substance fizzled and turned neon purple before clearing back up when the last drop fell in.

Rick moved over and added his own measurement to the crucible, this time turning it a deep red that once again became completely void of color the moment the last drop fell into it.

Stir it to make sure it’s perfectly balanced, and put it into the 50mL test tube, I’m going to start up centrifuge and the water bath.

“Alright, Tìo. You want me to tell Clarisse to start up the machine?”

Yes, but after you put the tube in the nitrogen, I need it at negative 20 degrees Fahrenheit in a minute or the enzymes in the second compound will go bad.

Stacy used a set of clamps and carefully set the crucible mixture into the 50mL test tube, then dipped the tube into the 500mL flask full of liquid nitrogen that fogged over the entire table. After that, she moved from the kitchen and walked into the living room where her mom sat on the couch, watching Clarisse fiddle with the machine’s instrument panel.

“Uncle Rick is almost ready!” Stacy sang out, “He needs the machine in a minute after it’s ready!”

“Roger that,” Clarisse called without looking.

Before Stacy retreated back into the kitchen, she glanced at her mother, who had turned her focus to her daughter and was smiling proudly.

To see her daughter in the laboratory smock, latex gloves, and bulky safety goggles, made her beam in pride at the initiative such a young girl could have in helping her uncle overcome a huge obstacle that everyone believed could not be overcome.

Stacy smiled back before turning and vanishing back down the hallway.

“You’re daughter must be very smart to help Ricardo with all that chemical stuff. That particular mixture is very tricky,” Clarissa announced.

“She’s very smart, yes. And her uncle’s to blame. She always looked up to him and tried to learn as many things as possible, just to see if she had the knack to do them.”

“That sounds pretty ambitious for a little girl. You must be very proud of her,” Clarisse looked up and offered Ally a congratulatory smile. Ally smiled in return before asking, “What exactly is this stuff those two are making?”

Clarisse paused for a moment, staring at Ally intently before just sighing and shaking her head, “Fine, but before I say anything, none of this leaves this room unless you want to chance a man dressed in a black suit knocking at your door with some chloroform and handcuffs.”

“Uh, sure, I promise,” Ally answered, concern heavy in her tone.

“This substance is a regenerative serum developed by Ricardo. It’s never been tested on a human subject, but it’s done amazing things in chimp subjects. But the government banned further testing and shut down the project.”

“Why? If it does so much good, why stop it?”

“Money,” Clarisse replied sourly, “it cut out the need for so many cancer treatments and medicinal applications for other ailments that the government would lose a lot of money.”

“That’s wrong!” Ally shouted, rising to her feet.

“It’s the truth,” Clarisse said sadly, “the white collars don’t like seeing their money flow get thin, so they try to shut down stuff that’s way too beneficial that it cuts out other things they make money.”

“And this serum can do anything?”

“It’s cured cancer, restored damaged vision, revitalized failing organs, retarded malignant growths, canceled addictions, and even healed damage neural components.”

“That’s amazing! There has to be a catch of some kind; something like that sounds way too good to be true,” Ally said skeptically.

“I said the very same thing! And Ricardo told me that the only side effects of the serum are cramps and pains brought on by the body reacting to the serum. He called it ‘recalibration and restoration’.”

“That’s it?”

“Whoa, hold on, some of these pains can be really bad depending on just how much damage somebody has sustained before receiving the serum into their system. If the damage is too extensive, this could potentially be fatal. Our severely injured female chimps were the only ones who survived.”

“Why female?”

“Higher pain thresholds.”

“Oh, I guess that makes sense.”

Stacy and Rick emerged from the kitchen, a small beaker in Rick’s hand and small syringe in Stacy’s.

Hello Clarisse, Rick signed. Stacy translated for him, word for word.

“Hey Rick,” Clarisse answered after gasping. She hadn’t seen him in so long, and was not at all prepared to see him in such horrible conditions.

What? Something on my face? You’re looking at me funny, Rick smiled.

Clarisse giggled, “Nah, I’m just surprised you got even better looking now after being burned.”

That’s what I told the Doctor! Stacy and Ally were cracking up at the ridiculousness of the two. It was a little hard for Stacy to translate through her laughter

This was what they remembered of Rick: always ready to make someone smile and making the absolute best of absolutely any situation possible, including his own ailments.

Is the machine ready? Rick asked, his face suddenly serious.

“Yeah, just gotta turn it on,” Clarissa flicked a switch, and the machine began to hum with energy.

“What does that thing do,” Stacy asked.

Before Clarisse could say it was classified, Rick spoke up, or rather, signed, I could tell you, sweetie, but then I’d have to hug you.

Stacy just giggled.

It releases a hyper focused beam of radiation that will jumpstart the compound and delay its half-life so that every part of the body can receive the enzymes locked inside of the solution.

“And this will fix you?”

Rick shrugged, The monkeys back in the lab liked it enough, so it can’t be too bad. But it will hurt, and you know what I like to say: No Pain—

“No Gaining experience points,” Stacy finished, a serious face present as if she spoke something that wasn’t just completely as random as her uncle intended.

Ally and Clarisse had giggled though.

Alright, Clarisse, jack me up and jack me in, Rick wheeled closer, taking the syringe from Stacy and handing it, along with the beaker of clear fluid, to her.

Suddenly nervous, Clarisse took the items. The look on her face prompted Rick to sign a quick message that Ally translated since Stacy couldn’t see it, You bail on me now, and I’ll hug you too. I’ll hug you right in the center of mass!

Clarisse laughed, relieved of the tension that had built and loaded up the syringe. The fluid defected from the beaker and relocated within the syringe, seeming almost eager to be released again.

Rick placed his arm under the machine, the part that resembled a sewing machine where the needle and cloth are, and waited.

With calm and focused motions, Clarisse pierced the syringe into the main veins in the crook of his arm, but didn’t depress the plunger yet, as Rick had motioned for her to stop.

Now, I already did calculations on this compound and how it would affect me. The damage in my body actually passed the threshold where our male test subjects died, Everyone gasped, and Clarisse made to withdraw the needle from Rick’s arm, but his hand shot out to hold her in place, that being said, I’m not going to die because I’m going to go into a state of Astral Projection.

“How is that gonna solve anything!?” Ally demanded, not willing to lose her brother when he has just been brought back, at least partially.

Theoretically, with my mind away from my body, there shouldn’t be any response to the massive levels of pain my mind would be subjected to. I’m going to be fine, but my calculations predicted I’d be comatose for two years.

“What!? No, Tìo! I don’t want to lose you for another two years!” Stacy cried, latching onto her uncle, fresh tears falling from her eyes.

Stacy, baby, I need you to listen to me, Rick tapped on the machine to get her attention.

Slowly, Stacy looked up to see that her uncle was smiling at her, tears running down his own cheeks.

She waited for him to say something until she noticed that his raised hand had something in it, rather than just being held up to begin signing.

It was her charm bracelet that she had left the other day. Gingerly, she took it and noticed there was another charm on it. It was a locket.

Carefully, she opened the case and looked within, tears renewed as she hugged her uncle again, “Te quiero mucho, Tìo. Gracias por todo que me distes.”

Rick hugged her back with his one free arm, tears of his own running down his cheeks, I love you, sweetie. So much. And I'm going to miss you too, but I'll always be here he tapped on her shoulder then poked her in the chest, over the heart.

In the locket, was a picture of him holding Stacy as a baby with a protractor in her hand. He was studying architecture in college when his sister came by with Stacy, and she got a hold of some of his drawing tools.

To him it was the sweetest moment of his life, where he had his very first niece that he could spoil rotten and teach things that the old wrinkly grandparents couldn't.

Suddenly, he swung around and took Clarisse’s hand, depressing the plunger himself, Take me to the hospital right after the machine finishes. The serum will break down after the enzymes are absorbed and look like a drug overdose.

The machine hummed louder and, from the telescope end that hovered over his arm, an intense green light shot out, making his arm glow eerily.

“We’ll be waiting for you, Rick. And if you die before you wake up, I’ll write ‘Here lies Rick, Nothing Special’,” Clarisse tried to smile, but her face faltered into a distressed frown.

“Remember, Uncle Rick, We have to go running in Spain in a few years, you promised,” Stacy added.

Rick smiled at everyone and nodded, feeling weak now that the serum was working its way into his body.

Soon, the machine chirped, having reached a radiation level optimal to activate the solution and the beam turned off before it got to levels that were too high to be safe and would destroy the serum. Clarisse promptly shut it entirely down and Ally removed him from the device, switched the scooter to manual, and pushed Rick out of the door hurriedly to take him to the hospital, Clarisse and Ally moving in stride.

Normally, it was tricky to move him into the car because of his immobile legs, but the fear induced adrenaline made it easy enough that the group was able to take off quickly and begin their journey to their destination.

All the while, Stacy clung to her uncle’s hand, scared that maybe he might not be telling her the truth about what the serum actually did. After all, didn’t a cure like that seem way too good to be true? Just a simple mixture of enzymes and cells contained in a suspension that was activated with Alpha Particle Radiation?

Rick’s eyes fluttered as he began to feel something within his arm and shoulder begin burning. The skin felt like it was on fire, and the scar tissue in particular felt like it was being ripped back open.

“Why do you have to use astral projection? I thought that stuff was fake anyway,” Ally called back.

Too much in pain to sign properly, Rick just tapped a response onto the back of Stacy’s hand that she relayed, Supposedly. This is the part of the experiment that starts going into theory and metaphysics.

Everyone gasped, “You mean this plan was half-baked!?” Clarisse screamed.

I’m definitely feeling pretty baked right now, Rick tried to joke.

“But you’ll be okay?” Stacy asked with concern in her eyes.

With a warm smile and a tender kiss to her forehead, Rick nodded, Sometimes, you have to be willing to risk every little thing to make things better. I have been gone for too long and caused too much pain to my family, I have to be willing to take the ultimate leap of faith.

Just remember to check back in after two years. I told you what that machine did, so I have to hug you.

Despite the pain he was in and despite Stacy dreading that she was actually going to lose someone very important to her, she giggled, finding it hard to be depressed when her uncle was being so silly.

I love you, mija, Rick tapped on Stacy’s shoulder before closing his eyes and beginning to try to project his mind from his body.

For him, the battle was now between his mind and time; if he didn’t escape fast enough—or even if he could at all, he will die. He couldn’t allow that, and he won’t allow anymore misery to fall on his family on his part.

No longer aware of the real world, Rick couldn’t feel Stacy vigorously shaking him, desperately calling his name, screaming in terror at the prospect of her uncle dying in her hands.

Ally was distraught as well and began breaking many laws of the road to speed along their trek to the hospital.

Quickly and efficiently, the three girls had removed him from the car upon arriving at the hospital, and wheeled him in where a startled secretary wasted no time in paging the first available doctor to receive them.

As fast as their hands could possibly move while retaining medical agility, the doctors and assistants wired Rick up to IV’s, monitors, and sensors. They moved him to another part of the hospital to try and decide what was wrong, leaving behind Stacy, Ally, and Clarisse.

“Blood pressure is spiking, pupils are dilated, it looks like an overdose, but I’ve never seen one like this,” the doctor said.

“We have a brain reading, he’s in a lot of pain, but it looks like he’s concentrating on something,” an assistant called out.

And true to the statement, Rick was trying as hard as he could to release his mind from his body, already feeling something fall apart as the serum began rewriting the damaged components in his body to be replaced with proper functioning cells and fibers.

The pain that wracked his body was agonizing and threatened to break his focus multiple times. Everywhere along his body and inside his body, he felt like things were tearing and being burned by an open flame.

He was vaguely aware of his physical body being jostled about and moved from room to room as numerous hands poked and prodded him, desperate to revive him. On their part, it was a losing battle, but on Rick’s part, he began to feel… strange.

It was like he found a strange part of his mind that he never knew about. He could almost see himself reaching out to the unknown section. The sensation was alien, feeling himself actually moving within the confines of his mind without actually moving his body.

Had he done it? Had he successfully fled his body so that the serum could work without killing him in the process? It wasn’t at all like how he imagined it would be. He was just floating about, spinning aimlessly though a thick fog that marred the outlines or numerous strange shapes flitting about.

“Another being? In this ascended realm?”

Rick spun around in shock, facing the source of the deep reverberating voice that had spoken. There was nothing there, only more fog.

“You have truly learned to escape from your shackles? Very interesting.”

Deciding to try and test his incorporeal abilities, Rick opened his mouth to speak, “Who are you?”

“Me? I do not know. I only know that I must reside here to make sure Wanderers are not lost.”

“Wanderers?”

“The Essences that become drunk on their intellect, hyped on their wisdom, reliant on their own epiphanies, and spoiled on their own praise.”

“This is Purgatory?”

“Ah! You are human then? Only your kind has this interesting notion of religion. No, this is what is called The Bridge.”

“What did you mean then, by ‘ascended realm’?”

“As it is my duty to watch over Wanderers, it is also my duty to guide the Ascended, beings of such immense sapient power that they can no longer exist comfortably in their own worlds without being isolated.”

“This is where they go? Sort of like asylum?”

“Yes, exactly. But there is something strange about you. You are not Ascended, yet you are not Wandering. Almost as if you reside here just for a temporary amount of time.”

“Yes, my body was severely damaged and I devised a way to repair it. However, the means to do so are fatal. I attempted something called astral projection in order to try and save myself. Did I succeed?”

“That is hard to say. Your body was in that severe of a condition that repairs were lethal? I know of you, human.”

“You know about me?”

“In this realm, I am aware of those who have potential to Ascend or Wander. You possess a great deal of wisdom, intellect, skills, attributes, and trade talent that you were a closely watched essence.

You are Ricardo Johnson, age Thirty, born February Twenty-Ninth of the year Nineteen Eighty-Four. Mother is Isabella Bermudas and Father is Phillip Johnson. You have one sister, Alejandra Johnson, age Thirty-Three, born March Eighth of the year Nineteen Eighty-One.”

Rick remained silent; suddenly fearful of just what exactly he had stumbled into and what exactly it was that was speaking to him.

“You speak the truth, Ricardo. I can see your body now,” the fog shifted and Rick found himself staring down onto his broken body, lying still as stone and surrounded by doctors who were attaching him to life support.

It was painful to realize something that just may be true, “I can never go back, can I? I know you said it felt like I was going to be here temporarily, but something feels wrong.”

“You can very much indeed return to your body, but you’re mind was severely damaged by your STEM Regenerative-Catalyst Compound. In order to have that repaired, your mind must be exposed to even more than what you have acquired.”

“How can I do that here?”

“You cannot.”

Instantly, Rick felt his heart sink, “Then I failed them.”

Too lost in his despair, he failed to immediately realize that the omniscient voice was laughing, “Very dramatic, humankind can be! Your species, by far, is the most entertaining!

You cannot build your mind here because it is too barren, but I can rewrite your essence in another place where you can learn.”

“Please,” Rick begged without hesitation, “Send me there!”

“Given that you must return to this body in two years, I must place you where you’ll be subject to extreme hardship and naïveté from the indigenous.”

“Naïveté?”

“You cannot learn quickly, when too much is already understood. In this world, you will have to rebuild your personal reputation. I will grant you your memories and old body to assist you, but other than that, it is up to you.”

"What do you mean by my 'old body'?" Rick asked, concerned that he was going to start at zero again already handicapped.

"Before your tragedy, when you were at your peak. Do not worry, I have no plans to hinder you so much. With how little this place will understand your capacity, you'll need as much of yourself as you can possibly rely on."

“I accept then.”

“Very well. Open your eyes,” the voice whispered, fully disappearing from Rick’s awareness.

Just as the voice had uttered the word ‘eyes’, Rick’s own had flown open alongside a sharp inhale of breath.

“What the hell?” Rick breathed, surprised to find that he could speak again.

Above him seemed to be a lush forest canopy, many breaks in between where sunlight filtered through.

With a grunt, Rick pushed himself into a sitting position and looked around, finding that he was laying in the middle of some woods and that he was slightly naked…okay, completely in the buff.

“That’s inconvenient,” Rick groaned. Knowing that the strange voice told him that his body was returned to him, Rick launched himself to his feet.

He had only intended to walk slowly and calmly to take in his surroundings, to try and deduce what would be an appropriate course of action when his mind decided that it had waited for far too long to feel what it was like to run once again.

In a half-second, his feet bolted. Flying as fast as the wind, Rick sprinted through the trees, deftly weaving in between them, giggling and whooping with glee instantly forgetting the fact that he was lost, naked, and on a mission of sorts.

How great it felt to be able to move under his own power again, so invigorating that he threw himself into the air, twisting his body into a corkscrew jump, landing on his feet, spinning about face, and began a trail of back flips. The fifth time he hit the ground feet first, he sprung up high into the air from the momentum of the ground reacting against him, somersaulted twice, and landing perfectly square on his feet.

He was so lost in finally reliving his old health, he didn’t notice an almost invisible line amongst the trees. At full tilt, he ran into it, throat first, and flopped backward onto his back, his head slamming onto the ground.

Retching and gagging, he tried to shake the stars out of his vision, only to feel his consciousness fading.

That’s definitely gonna be a concussion, and I won’t be surprised if I can’t talk right for a week, he thought lamely before passing out.

Alone in the woods, he laid exposed to the elements, unaware of two creatures moving in on his prone form.

“Did you see that? The snare worked perfectly!” a woman’s voice chirped.

“It sure did. And this catch is a real beauty! He’ll fetch quite a pretty bit on the market,” a man’s voice laughed.

“You thinking Canterlot then?”

“Definitely Canterlot.” Both creatures knelt down and threw Rick across their backs, lugging him over to an old wooden wagon, and tossing him inside…amongst a few other humans.

Unknown to Rick, these humans were not like him at all, and further still unknown, a certain role he was used to playing in his own world, was reversed in this one, a role that the two creatures were used to playing…just for fun.

Author's Note

You were directed to this page in Error; If problem remains Unresolved or is Recurring, Please contact your Systems Administrator. Error Code:
TheGlitchInTheMatrix

Avast! Role Reversal and Rappers!

Avast! Role Reversal and Rappers!

With a start, Rick jerked open his eyes and sat up. At first, nothing immediately registered in his vision and his head began to pound, detesting the sudden motion after remaining still for so long in a prone position.

“How much you think we grabbed today?” a woman’s voice asked from behind Rick. He swiveled his head around to find the wagon he was laying in being pulled along by two blue ponies, one with a green mane, and the other with a red mane.

There wasn’t a rider in the seat, so he assumed the person who spoke was somewhere else, but just before he could sweep the area to find the speaker, someone else spoke up.

“At least about six, so we got ourselves a pretty good haul,” a man’s voice answered.

Rick’s eyes widened, realizing that the source of both voices was from where the two ponies stood.

“Should we check the other snares then?” the mare pony asked.

“Nah, it’s getting late and you now I don’t like hanging out in this forest for too long after noon,” the stallion pony responded.

Taking only a moment, Rick deduced that this form of pony was the dominant life form in this strange place. A glance around the other humans that were riding in the wagon revealed something else. They seemed human, but he was instantly able to see that they resembled a higher evolved form of the Neanderthal Human, so he was the most evolved monkey in this damned place. Gauging their expressions and docile attitudes, he quickly fit together that the humans here were a form of live stock that were captured and traded to be used for labor or breeding.

Ponies here were the People, and the humans were the Beasts of Burden. Classical role reversal much? Meh, sounds like a kooky play off of Planet of the A—“What about that weird one with the light skin and really short hair?”

Rick jerked his eyes away from the ponies just as they turned to stare, pretending to be a typical indigenous human, don’t reveal myself to them yet, Rick thought, I need to find someone mentally pliable enough to be my mediator.

“Dunno, we’ll just wait until we get to Ponyville,” the stallion said to the mare.

Ponyville? Why do I get the feeling that there might be a bunch of… rabbits living there?

Almost giving himself away, Rick snorted at the punny name, “Sounds like somepony back there is antsy.”

SomePony!? Ay Dìos Mìo! Needless to say, Rick lost it and blew up in gagging laughter. He really tried not to laugh, especially with a swollen and bruised throat, but these damn words were way too much!

“I think that one’s aggressive, but I've never heard a growl like that before,” The mare looked back, eyes narrowed and ears facing forward.

Finding it inside of himself to not care to be in their company any longer, Rick turned to face his captors. He found that they both stopped the wagon to stare at him curiously, tense and ready to act should he prove to be hostile.

Rick smiled at them and the ponies blanched, seeing something that usually remains expressionless show an expression. Adding to the can of worms he already opened, Rick raised a hand and put a finger to his forehead in greeting. The ponies fainted.

Chuckling to himself, Rick got out of the wagon and walked over to check on the two. They were alright for the most part, just shocked to unconsciousness.

With a stretch and groan, Rick relieved his back and neck from the soreness that had settled in from his First Class wagon ride.

Alright, so I already see the circumstances of how I’m supposed to learn. Species wise, I am alone, and once I regain my ability to speak, I’ll need to call my species something else. Ponies are the dominant life, so it would be best to not harm any of them to make myself look credible in case I find an opportunity for assimilation, Rick began walking a random direction into the woods, silently pondering about his circumstances.

Normally, people would be highly concerned about the meek circumstances Rick was in; no food, no water, seen as a mule, and butt naked.

Glancing down at himself, Rick thought for a moment about getting a hold of some clothes. He stayed there for several long moments…

…fuck it, humans here are naked and clothing means intelligence, something I shouldn't be advertising.

Rick just continued moving, letting it all hang out. It wasn't so bad really, before he was confined to a scooter and was used to being barefoot from before that. This wasn’t that new.

He halted when he saw a… house would be the best word, some distance away from him. It was a tree with a window and a doorway set into it. Along the ground surrounding it were numerous wooden masks, leaned against the building.

African Tribal Ceremonial Masks? This place keeps getting better and better, throwing caution to the wind, Rick decided to see what could reside in such an interesting domicile and approached casually.

Extremely interested in this new land, he was very eager to see just what else he might discover. Reaching the door, he gave it a firm knock, almost shifting from foot to foot in anticipation. What answered the door was surprising, but seeing as he couldn’t really expect anything here, the surprise wasn’t so impressive.

“Hmmm? A human outside my tree?” the zebra stepped out of the door, gently pushing Rick aside.

He saw that her right foreleg and neck were covered in golden rings. Her ears were pierced with similar rings, along with the base of her tail. On her flank was a strange swirl of stripes that oddly resembled the sun.

“Who is strange enough to pull pranks like this so far into the Everfree?”

Everfree? This is what this place is called? Cool, Rick noted.

“Human! I urge you! Shoo! Leave me be, I despise your kind completely,” the zebra mare demanded, eyes glaring and hoof fanning him away.

Smiling internally, knowing how she would respond, Rick decided he was going to put on a little show for her.

He scoffed loudly, rolled his eyes in an exaggerated manner, and threw his hands over his head in a way that said Fine! Geez!

As was expected, the zebra’s eyes widened to a comical size and she balked at the sudden turn of events.

“A human that displays intelligence!? This makes no sense!” she gasped harshly, whispering her awe.

Rick turned to walk away, a smug smile on his face as he already knew how this whole scenario was going to play out.

“Human, wait,” Rick turned to look at her over his shoulder, noting that her face was still stuck in an expression of shock, “how did you acquire this sapient state?”

Okay, I thought the rhyming thing was just a coincidence, but it seems too regular for that. I wonder what her reasoning for that is, Rick thought to himself.

He turned to face her, cupping his chin with his left hand, and supporting that arm with his right in a contemplative stance.

“Do you have any means of communication? I am most curious about your situation,” the zebra asked.

Rick nodded and flashed a set of hand signs. He knew she couldn’t understand but maybe something magical would happen?

“Ah, I see. Your means to speak are those meant to be relayed silently. This is an unsettling plight,” the zebra commented, rubbing her own chin with her left ankle joint in her foreleg, “Can you read or write? A long shot, I know, but still a chance of light.”

Definitely agree with you there if I was in your shoes, but seeing as how the other humans here act, and seeing as how I don’t portray their actions very well, it is easily viable to assume the most outlandish, with that internal monologue, Rick nodded.

“Then come in, please. It has been awhile since I’ve had company,” the zebra stepped aside, inviting him in. On an unrelated note, he realized that she also used incomplete rhymes: rhymes that have two similar sounds at their end meter, but aren’t exactly alike.

Rick gave her a grateful smile and a nod of which she returned before heading in. He had to say that he was honestly surprised that this zebra was taking this so well, what with him being an exception to what was allowed amongst humankind here.

Upon entering the tree, Rick was able to deduce many interesting things about this zebra. All along the shelves were bowls and bottles filled with numerous oddities alongside books and tribal knick-knacks. In the center of the room was a large cauldron set upon wood to hold fire. On the opposite side of the door was what looked like a kitchen area.

Alchemist, philosopher, hermit, by the looks of the multiple stools around the perimeter of the room, she entertained guests at a fair frequency. Seems like she’s either the go-to gal for advice, and/or medicine, or she has a sort of dispensary business going on here…if you know what I mean.

“Before we begin, I am Zecora, the unofficial keeper of this forest’s fauna and flora,” the zebra declared, closing the door after herself.

Rick smiled and held out his hand. Zecora watched him in bewilderment, clearly not expecting any form of social etiquette coming from him as well. After a moment, she chuckled and put her hoof in his hand to complete the shake, “Many things about you are reshuffling the way I think,” she removed her hoof after a polite amount of time, “please give me a moment to find some parchment and ink.”

Rick nodded as Zecora moved away to a shelf across the room, searching for the mentioned items. Taking a seat on the floor, Rick continued to gaze at his surroundings, pleasantly nostalgic of his chemistry work. At the same time, he was organizing what he would say to Zecora if she could understand his written language, which she should be able to do since she speaks in a language that he perfectly understands.

After only a short moment, Zecora returned with a scroll in her mouth. She set it down on the ground before speaking, “I’ll need a second more,” she turned about and tapped her hoof sharply on the wooden ground.

Rick was curious for the half-moment that nothing happened, then jumped in fright to see the segment that Zecora tapped on slowly rise up and take the shape of a table, “here, where writing would be more comfortable than on the floor.”

Still stunned at such a display of conjuration, Rick hadn’t made any motion to move or even acknowledge that he heard her.

Zecora noticed his disturbance and chuckled softly, “You’ll find that I possess many tricks. Perhaps I’ll explain them, if you can explain how you exist.”

Finally getting a hold of himself, Rick slowly got to his feet and shuffled over to the table, still wary about just how the thing had materialized.

“It’s safe, I assure you. Now, please explain to me what you plan to do,” Zecora asked with a comforting grin.

Nodding, Rick glanced down at the scroll before him, seeing a bottle of ink and a feather sticking out of it

Archaic modes of writing here? I wonder if the dominant species here is sub-par with our technology, Rick picked up the quill and tapped its end on the edge, knocking the excess loose, and applying the tip to the thick parchment of the scroll.

Can you understand this? Rick scratched out. He passed it over to Zecora who read it over with wide eyes.

“Amazing! We are actually communicating!” Zecora said in surprise, “Yes human, I can read it. Please go on and explain your wit!”

First things first, Rick wrote, my name is Ricardo Johnson, but you may call me Rick. A pleasure to meet you, Miss Zecora.

“The pleasure is mine,” Zecora responded, “and allow me say, this is the greatest thing to happen to me this day!”

Glad to be able to make your day then. Now, to answer your first question, I was born with the capacity for sapience, but I was not born in this realm.

“Born in the realm? Then how is it that you are sitting here, in my elm?”

This tree is not an elm, Rick thought to himself, but for the sake of her rhymes, let’s just roll with it.

And for the better part of the day, the two conversed, Rick explaining how he came to be in this world and what he’s picked up about it so far. He told of how he was severely injured and figured a way to heal himself, but at the cost of his mind being reincarnated here at the whim of same strange being who claimed to be a guide of sorts in a metaphysical realm.

Zecora was surprised to learn of the existence of Rick’s world, and offered her own suggestions as to what the strange being in the foggy realm could be called… it quickly degraded to forthright laughter at the most outlandish things they could think of to call it.

Rick’s best was where goldfish went after being flushed away and the voice belonged to a goldfish that was the first to be flushed.

Zecora claimed it to be a blizzard frozen in time that was ruled by snowmen and the voice that spoke was that of the Abominable Snowman that was the king of the realm.

As night fell, Rick learned that this land was called Equestria, ruled by two Princess Sisters who controlled the day and night cycles. The mode of currency here was a golden coin called a bit, and that there were actually unicorns and pegasus ponies living in this world as well. She mentioned that there were other species of creatures, but the ponies were the dominant race.

He learned that humans here were used as beasts of burden or simple pets that were more along the lines of a dog rather than a horse as Rick initially thought. After explaining that he could talk and was currently unable to due to an injury, they decided that he keep his intelligence a secret for a time until Zecora could come up with a better alibi than “trans-dimensional traveler who took a wrong left back on Mulberry Road”.

Zecora learned that Rick was a man of many trades, and stopped him when he mentioned his time with chemistry, “You are a chemist? Then please, allow me to show you what I can do as an alchemist!”

Without waiting for a response, Zecora jumped from her seat and walked over to a shelf. Rick watched her calmly browse her shelves, particularly the assorted glass bottles that seemed randomly set. After a short moment, she ‘ah-ha’d and motioned him over while grabbing a small blue bottle with her teeth.

Rick stood up and walked over, kneeling down once he was by her side. With a grin, Zecora took a cork out of the bottle’s neck—an interesting display of agility seeing as her upper body was momentarily suspended in mid-air as both her front hooves grasped the bottle’s sides and allowed her friction to remove the cork by mouth.

She spat the cork out and tipped the bottle’s liquid contents into the groove of her hoof, “A small healing elixir, perhaps it could heal what you injured.”

Rick watched the strange liquid in her hoof, noticing that it almost seemed to glow with a pale blue light. It seemed clear at a glance, but it was very hard to tell from the small amount Zecora held.

Without warning, Zecora pumped her hoof, throwing the liquid into Rick’s face. He slammed his eyes shut with a flinch, holding still for a moment before slowly opening his eyes and gave her a deadpan stare.

“Apologies,” Zecora smiled humouredly, “But you’ll find that this application is necessary for many of my remedies.”

Slowly, Rick wiped his face clear of the liquid and flicked off what he gathered onto the floor. He made to move toward the table to scratch out another message when he noticed the dull ache in his throat slowly recede with waves of soothing warmth.

“I got lost in our conversation and completely forgot that I may have held a solution,” Zecora said.

Tenderly exploring his throat with his fingers and finding that the previous swelling was gone, Rick smiled and said, “Creo que funcionó,” Rick said with neutral expression, but he was laughing on the inside.

“Um, perhaps I grabbed the wrong potion. Maybe it required a form of lotion,” Zecora muttered worriedly. She stepped away from Rick, not noticing him stifling his laughter.

“No, lo funcionaba perfectamente! I just speak multiple languages,” Rick said as evenly as possible without laughing, still trying to sound serious.

“Even so, I made a mistake that should not show,” Zecora replied, distracted from realizing what he just said.

Finally, he just burst out laughing, startling Zecora into facing him finally. She stared for a moment before chuckling to herself, “Ah, you jest! You nearly made my heart burst from my chest!”

“I’m sorry, but it was worth it,” Rick wiped away a tear from his eye and composed himself.

“If that is what you claim, but upon hearing your voice I must proclaim, that should I hold my eyes shut, your voice could evoke lust,” Zecora said shyly, a red tinge introducing itself to her cheeks.

“So I take it you like my voice? Flattering that you think so, but I am really so ugly that you have to close your eyes?”

Now it was Zecora’s turn to laugh, “I did not mean to offend, I meant as in imagining that you were a stallion. Ponies do not normally find humans attractive and I’m rather imaginative.”

“Ah, you were imagining my sexy voice on a stallion?” Zecora blushed and smirked, looking away.

Rick laughed again, Zecora shortly following suit, finding that she was greatly enjoying this human’s company before she realized something that she probably should have found out first about Rick, “I forgot to ask, but is it ‘human’ I should refer to you as?”

“Ah! Yeah I forgot to mention that too, my kind is called Nord,” Rick said. He was desperately trying not to laugh at the lame ass name he was using. I guess I spent more time in video gaming than I thought, he smiled internally.

“A Nord you are then, probably the only one that should grace my den,” Zecora nodded with approval. She opened her mouth to speak when there was a knock on the door.

Zecora frowned and glanced out the window finding the moon just rising from the horizon with a shade of purple light claiming the red color that was the dusk sky, “A visitor at this hour? Excuse me, Ricardo,” Zecora muttered as she went over to open her door, “Oh, Mr. Cake? Why a look so sour?”

Rick leaned over to glance over Zecora’s shoulder to find a bright orange pony standing on the other side of the door with a very solemn expression, “Both Pound and Pumpkin are sick and the hospital doesn’t seem to know what it is. Could you please help us?”

“Your foals have fallen ill?” Zecora glanced back at Rick and found that he had the scroll in his hands with the words ‘I have training with infant illnesses, I can help’ written across it. Zecora turned back to Mr. Cake, “Then help you I will. Would you mind my human coming with us? Him here alone is a hard thing to trust.” I’m gonna get you back for making me sound like a dependant dog, Zecora, Rick scowled.

“It’s fine, I’m just worried for my foals! You can help us, right?”

“Then please lead the way and I will help in any way I may,” Zecora stepped out and looked back at Rick, jerking her head in a gesture to follow.

He had to play along as a simple minded creature for now, but she was very clearly enjoying herself in dominating him…without the disturbing sexual mental image that statement inspires.

Unknown to Mr. Cake, Rick had the scroll in his hand that he had used to write in with the quill and ink in the other.

They walked a dirt path through the forest for several minutes in silence before Rick nudged Zecora softly in the shoulder.

Out of the corner of her eye, Zecora glanced at the scroll that he was presenting to her, What are the symptoms?

Zecora turned back to Mr. Cake, “Could you tell me about the pains and aches so that I may know what sort of remedy to make?”

“It’s just coughing, but it’s so severe that they have a hard time swallowing anything or even making noise! Poor Pound was coughing so badly that Pumpkin was actually trying to use her magic to heal him, but her own coughs made it hard,” Mr. Cake sighed sadly.

Magic to heal? Unicorns use that kind of magic? Huh, Rick mentally noted before scratching out another message for Zecora, There was a strain of virus that was going around on my world called ‘Whooping Cough’. Ask if they were near smoke and then in the cold.

Zecora shot him a confused glance before speaking up, “Your children, have they been near any smoke and chilly wind?”

“Well they’re always around the bakery, and you know the weather team scheduled for rain last week. They love playing around in the puddles when they think we’re not paying attention,” Mr. Cake explained, “Why? You think it has something to do with that?”

“It may just be, but soon, we shall see,” Zecora responded.

For a couple more silent minutes, the group finally came out of the forest and into a clear stretch of land. Rick gasped at the humble little hamlet in front of him, immediately awestruck at such simple beauty these ponies were responsible for.

In more ways than one, he was jealous of this lifestyle; to be close knit with the community, always nearby everything, and never truly feeling alienated from the simple fact that there was usually too many people to meet. Simple village life like this was something he always fantasized about.

As they passed through the little village, Rick couldn’t help but wonder about what this place would look like in the day, rather than the twilight that was now settling over the sky.

“Can you hear them? Oh, I feel so awful letting them suffer for so long,” they had just came up to a large house that resembled a gingerbread house that was made to give somebody diabetes in one bite… that was seriously how much icing adorned the roof.

Unfortunately, Rick wasn’t able to take in much as his entire being was ensnared by the feeling of terror. The coughing that Mr. Cake mentioned could be clearly heard, and Rick heard a rattling behind every cough that set his feet into a sprint into the house.

“Wait!”

“No, Ricardo!”

Ignoring the two behind him, Rick burst into the house, startling a light blue mare with a hot pink mane that had two foals sitting in high chairs before her.

His mind running on desperation mode, he automatically noted the café style of the room he was in and ran forward towards a set of swinging doors behind an old styled register into a spacious kitchen. Behind him, he heard Zecora and Mr. Cake entering the main entrance, Mr. Cake clearly upset about a human barging into his home.

With a clear goal in his mind, Rick plundered the cabinets and raided the drawers and went spelunking into the pantry.

“What in Equestria are you doing you dirty human!?” the blue mare screamed at Rick as he exited the kitchen, arms full of strange combinations of ingredients, a couple of small pots, two spoons, measuring spoons, a tin bowl, and a box of matches.

As of right now, he didn’t give a damn if anybody knew he was smart, “Zecora! I need willow bark and spearmint,” Rick barked, setting down his recently captured booty.

Mr. Cake, and the presumed Mrs. Cake, gasped at hearing a supposedly mute creature speak. He didn’t care about their reactions and began measuring out different powders or taking some medicinal pills and crushing them into dust.

Zecora responded by just zipping out the door, an intent look on her face.

“Y-y-y-you c-can t-t-talk,” Mr. Cake wheezed.

“And whistle and sing and cuss a sumbitch out too when they deserve it,” Rick responded as he mixed some salt with pill dust, setting it into a water and honey solution, “but right now, I’m more concerned with my pediatric and chemical abilities than my vocal charms.”

The faces on the two adult ponies would have been priceless, had Rick been watching them. Mr. Cake promptly fainted while Mrs. Cake’s jaw practically unhinged itself and fell to the floor. Rick was intent on his work, lighting a few matches and placing them in a glass bowl he had.

“What are you doing,” Mrs. Cake asked timidly after watching Rick work in silence for a few minutes.

“One of foals has a rattling in their cough. A kind of rattling that means their bronchial lines are in danger of being severely damaged to the point where they’ll bleed to death,” Rick answered, never taking his eyes off the two measuring spoons he balanced in one hand and the bowl with fire in it in his other.

“W-w-what are you?” Mrs. Cake asked, very clearly disturbed that a human possessed so much knowledge.

“A Nord, not a human as you think, and I’m also not from this world, I’m a trans-dimensional traveler who took a wrong turn on Mulberry Road,” Rick flashed her a friendly smile that caused the fourth pony of the day to faint. He was getting good at that.

After heating up numerous solutions and dissolving some various powder mixtures in said solutions, Zecora had arrived with a small satchel in her teeth. Very quickly, she moved over to Rick’s side and deposited the requested ingredients.

Before she could speak, however, Rick’s hand shot out, snatched the willow bark, and shoved it into her mouth, “Chew it very gently and try to get as little saliva on it as possible. You just want to break the fibers up,” Rick explained, popping numerous spearmint leaves into his own mouth and gently working them in his teeth.

Neither of them spoke as their mouths were full, but Rick would gesture to various things he had before him for Zecora to hand him. Diligently and deftly, his fingers and hands flew about, mixing and stirring and heating, slowly, but surely, bringing all of the liquid and powder solutions into the tin bowl.

Once they were all combined, he motioned for Zecora to spit out the willow into one of the pots while he spat his spearmint into the other.

“I need you to wake up the parents, I want them to hear what I have to say,” Rick said to Zecora.

“As you wish, but when we return, you must explain this mix,” Zecora answered before walking away.

Using a measuring cup, Rick pulled out equal amounts of the liquid from the tin bowl and dumped them into the pots. He allowed both to steep for thirty seconds before reaching out to the glass bowl, dumping out the burnt match sticks from within, and pouring the two pots into the glass bowl, making sure that the streams were equal flow and they both landed on the hot spot he created with the matches.

Once he began stirring the final solution, Rick heard Zecora walk up to his side, "They are awake, now tell me, what did you make?"

"It's a simple mixture composed of medicine that will adhere to the infected cells in the bronchial sections of the lungs and prevent the existing virus from spreading any further. I also mixed in mild painkillers and some honey to assist in the pain that the foals have already and to soothe it as much as possible."

"How do you know this?" Mr. Cake’s voice asked from his opposite side.

"I'm a pediatrician where I come from, and I'm also a medicinal chemist. This virus that your foals have was hard to fight when it first broke out on my world. It would seem that your world has a time delay from what we experienced."

"'Your World'? What in Equestria do you mean?"

Is this world called Equestria? I thought it was just the land... Actually, I remember Zecora saying that in context. "Like I said, I came from a different dimension to learn," not entirely the truth, at least not intentionally.

It sounded like somebody was getting ready to speak again, but a horrifyingly rattling cough forced a silence and Rick to pick up the bowl and stand up.

“The foals are in an advanced stage of the cough. If they aren’t treated soon, I’m very afraid they will suffer serious difficulties later or possibly even death,” Rick said allowed as he approached the two baby ponies sitting in their high chairs.

Mrs. Cake cried out in despair at hearing such morbid news, “This will help them then?! Please tell me it will!”

Rick deposited the glass bowl in on the light-orange foal’s tray and dipped a spoon into it, withdrawing a small amount for the foal to drink, “Come on little guy, this will help you feel better.”

“You’re going to feel silly,” Zecora spoke up, “but she is a filly.”

“Oh, well then come on, little filly, drink up. This is going to make the hurting stop,” Rick smiled reassuringly at the small foal, watching her bright, blue eyes gaze at the spoon warily.

Her face looked very splotchy, obviously from crying in pain, and her muzzle was red, irritated from sniffling and blowing her nose.

Suddenly, the little khaki foal started coughing again, the rattling sound much more pronounced than before.

To Rick’s surprise, the spoon in his hand glowed a faint blue and tried to tug itself away from his grasp. He let it go from startled reflex just to find that it didn't fall, it just hovered there for a moment before slowly floating away.

He knew unicorns could use magic, but a little filly? He was under the assumption that they had to first develop the skill before being able to actually manipulate even the most basic of things.

The spoon floated away toward the khaki foal, slowly lining itself up with his mouth. The filly’s face drawn tight in concentration, eyes barely open to monitor the spoons progress, she tried to make the other foal drink without spilling from his coughing.

The foal tried to withhold any further coughing and opened his mouth wide, practically inhaling the liquid.

“Wow, Pumpkin is so concerned for her brother she gave him the first dose!” Mr. Cake exclaimed.

“He was very bad; I think she knew that his condition was far worse and he was in more pain. I should have given him the medicine first,” Rick responded.

“The fellowship that can be displayed at such a young age is surely impressive, that I can confidently say,” Zecora noted.

For the next ten minutes, the two foals took turns drinking the medicine that Rick had prepared, carefully avoiding the urge to cough while swallowing the liquid. Every now and then, Rick would step in and stir the solution, making sure the solution’s catalysts were evenly distributed for full medicinal effect.

While the foals consumed the medicine, the Cake couple explained that the light-orange filly was named Pumpkin Cake, and the khaki colt was named Pound Cake. Pumpkin was already an adept magic user and Pound was an avid flyer, making for some large difficulties in pacifying them or trying to put them to sleep.

“I’m so glad you were able to help them like this, Nord. We are very grateful,” Mr. Cake sighed gratefully after hearing Pumpkin and Pound cooing softly without coughing anymore and watching them smiling for the first time in days.

“Ricardo Johnson, and it was not problem at all. I have a niece that I use to take care when she was sick; I’ve had a lot of practice,” Rick smiled and gently placed his hand on Mr. Cake’s shoulder.

Mr. Cake flinched at the contact but composed himself quickly enough. “Thank Celestia for you. Please, don’t ever be a stranger in our home; I know you probably might have some difficulty integrating yourself around here, but our door will be open for you,” Mrs. Cake spoke up.

Rick opened his mouth to express his gratitude when he felt weight settle over both his shoulders. The source of the weight was warm and furry and from the feathery wisps that stroked the right side of his head, he could hazard a guess as to what exactly just landed on him.

“I think the kids feel the same way,” Mr. Cake chuckled.

Rick glanced at each of his shoulders to find that the foals were now draped over his shoulders, giggling and beaming at him with bright and grateful eyes. He laughed and reached his hands up to lift them both and bring them around so he could look at them.

He held both foals before him; their haunches perfectly nestled in his palms with their hind legs hanging over the sides of his hands. They each weighed about ten pounds each and were excitedly reaching theirs hooves toward him, “Feeling better little guys,” Rick asked.

They just giggled in response. “I’m glad! I heard you coughing and it scared me so much!” Rick bounced the little foals a bit, eliciting more giggles and laughs. The Cake couple and Zecora were laughing as well.

“Love you!” Pumpkin suddenly cried.

Rick stopped short, the smile instantly disappearing from his face.

“Yeah! Love!” Pound cried along with his sister. The Cakes let out an “aww”, smiling at the affection, but were oblivious to the pained expression on Rick’s face.

“Ricardo? Is something wrong? Your face has suddenly grown long,” Zecora asked, noticing Rick’s discontent.

His eyes burning, Rick heard Stacy’s voice reverberating in his head, “I love you, Tìo!” He wasn’t sure if he would ever see her again, and seeing these two foals hold that same affection in their eyes reminded him of what was now lost to him.

“Mr. Johnson? Are you alright?” Mrs. Cake asked concern obvious in her tone.

“I’m fine,” he wiped his eyes clear of the tears before they fell, “I was just remembering something.”

“Hey!” Pound shouted.

Rick glanced down at him to find that the foals were staring at him with concerned expressions of their own. They were confused as to why the one who healed them now looked so sad. They thought that maybe they did something wrong again, but a reassuring smile from Rick put their little hearts at ease, “Don’t worry, niños, I’m just happy that you’re happy with me.”

They smiled widely and launched themselves at Rick, trying their best to wrap their forelegs around his chest in a hug. With soft laughter, he returned the hug, grateful that he can, at least, be here for them when they needed him most.

Hours after the previous events, Zecora had announced that she wanted to return home and wished everybody goodnight. Before she left however, she had asked how Rick was sleeping that night. He had said not to worry about it and sent her off with a promise that he would stop by tomorrow for a chat about what he was planning.

After she left, the Cakes asked again what he planned to do about sleep. He tried again to tell them not to worry, but it seemed that little Pumpkin could sense he was hiding the truth. She pummeled his calf with her hoof as he was now standing and she was on the ground, trying to make him speak the truth. Noticing the filly’s behavior, the Cakes offered him a room and a place to wash up if he didn't have anywhere to go.

Not wanting to intrude, he tried to politely decline and make his way to the door only to find that Pound was hovering in his path at eye level, forelegs crossed, and a stern glare on his face. Seeing that the foals were not going to allow him to leave, he reluctantly accepted the offer, although he was very vocal about his unwillingness to intrude, the Cakes assured him that it was the least they could do after he saved their foals from such a terrible illness.

Once he acceded to their invitations, they properly introduced themselves as Carrot Cake and Cup Cake. Mr. Cake was Carrot and Mrs. Cake was Cup… cute names for bakery ponies in Rick’s opinion and probably most who are familiar with them.

It was now, after a brief shower, that Rick was lying upon the offered bed for the night, hands behind his head as he thought about the events of the day, and the day before.

It was strange, knowing that mere hours ago he was practically immobile in an electric scooter, mute, and suffering the extreme pain of saying goodbye to his family and the serum rebuilding his body from the inside out.

He was saddened about the distress he could remember seeing on Stacy’s face when he said goodbye, and then brightened again at the two foals that found their way into his life.

A smile spread across his lips as he finally figured out just what he was meant to do in this world now…

He was not immediately accepted in this strange world. There was going to be hostility, confusion, isolation, and shunning from the ponies here from their fear of seeing an intelligent human, but it was simply their naïveté that was the cause of it. Despite that, he was tasked on helping them learn, showing them who he is, and lending a helping hand to those who don’t understand his intent in doing so.

He had to rediscover who he could be in an alien environment, all by himself…

Author's Note

You were directed to this page in Error; If problem remains Unresolved or is Recurring, Please contact your Systems Administrator. Error Code:
TheGlitchInTheMatrix

Getting Had, Feeling Sad, and Jamming!

Getting Had, Feeling Sad, and Jamming!

“Tìo! Mirame!” Rick looked over to see Stacy, ten feet in the air, on a diving bored, idly bobbing up and down on the board’s spring.

“I see you, mija! Que estàs hacìendo?”

Stacy just smiled wickedly, then launched herself high into the air with an impressive jump, twirled in the air with a front flip, then suddenly straightened back out, head down.

With a small smile, Rick regained consciousness into the real world, letting the dream fade into his mind. He was dreaming about the time when Stacy had surprised him with a very acrobatic and surprisingly professional dive into the Olympic sized pool they liked to visit whenever they could.

Sighing wistfully, Rick pushed himself out of the little bed he was laying in, rubbed his eyes to clear the sleep from his vision, and finished off the morning ritual of awakening with a massive stretch to his arms and back while yawning.

Lazily—and by force of habit—he reached his arms over to tug his scooter closer to himself, grabbing the air where it usually sits, ready and waiting for him when he awoke. This time, however, it was not there.

With a scowl, Rick finally glanced over and, seeing as his surroundings were not at all how he left them before he went to see Stacy and Ally, finally allowed his mind to catch up with his body.

He wasn’t home anymore and he most definitely didn’t need a scooter to move around on. His legs worked just fine now in this strange, new world.

Rick swung his legs from the bed and planted his feet firmly against the floor, feeling the warm, smooth wood underfoot and relishing the fact that he could feel them again. He raised his arms up and gazed at his palms for a moment before waggling his fingers spastically; smiling at the recovery of the dexterity he lost.

Then he suddenly stood up, a curious expression on his face as he spun about-face. For a heartbeat, he stood still, and then let his upper body wilt backward, as if he suddenly lost his spine. Just before his head slammed into the floor, he flung his hands up and expertly caught himself.

His feet were still flat on the floor, toes facing the bed, his body bent over backward with the back of his head just inches away from his heels, and only a couple inches off the floor, facing away from the bed.

With a lazy shift of his hips and a casual hop off his toes, Rick kicked his lower body up and over himself into a handstand. He held himself still for several seconds, breathing evenly and showing supreme calm and focus. Finally, he let his feet fall back down, this time in front of his body, rocked forward with the momentum, and stood back up in one fluid, easy motion.

“WOW!” Rick whirled around in surprise, eyes wide from being startled. In the doorway stood a bright pink pony with an unbelievably curly mane and tail, staring at him with wide blue eyes and jaw practically on the floor.

They both stood, transfixed at the situation, and entirely unsure of how to advance past that moment in time.

Simply deciding that being stupid might be the smartest thing to do; Rick tucked his legs up in a cross-legged sit, falling to the floor, thumping loudly, and calmly stared back with a neutral expression, simple motions that looked very much like he was trying to intimidate a dog listening to the “Sit!” command.

“I’ve never seen a human do that before! Actually, I didn’t even know a human was even here! What are you doin’ here, boy?” The hyperactive, mare pony asked, trying to force out as many words out as possible in a single second.

“Pinkie!? What was that noise?” Carrot’s voice called from somewhere outside the door.

“The human sitting down! Hey, when did you guys get a human!? He’s super cute!” Super cute? Not quite sure how I feel about referred to as such when I think you’re frikkin’ adorable.

“He’s not ours,” Cup answered, materializing from the nether realm beyond the door frame, “we’re just watching over him for Zecora for a little while.”

“Cool! What’s his name?”

“His name is Ricardo and he’s…” Cup glanced over at Rick who subtly shook his head, when Pinkie’s attention shifted to Cup, so Pinkie couldn’t see, “our responsibility for a little bit until she comes back to pick him up so don’t bother him too much.”

“Okey dokey lokey!” and with that, Pinkie bounced out of the room… literally.

Cup watched after her before turning back to Rick, “You don’t have to worry about her; she’ll keep your secret if you tell her it’s a secret, but she can be a little…hyper.”

“I figured,” Rick responded, slowly standing back up, “but I think I’m gonna keep it all quiet until I find a suitable mediator to help me come out.”

“Of course, Dearie, take all the time that you need. Were you going to go talk to Zecora later?”

“Not sure yet; I’ve been improvising ever since I woke up in this world, so I haven’t really had any use for an itinerary yet.”

“I see, well Carrot and I made breakfast downstairs if you’re hungry.” She turned to leave before faltering a moment and turning her head around, “You… can eat what other humans eat here, right?”

“I would assume so, but I’ll just go see what you have here and just tell you what looks good,” Rick smiled and began following her out the door.

He stumbled before walking out, suddenly more conscious of being naked in the presence of others in broad daylight, "Um, excuse me, Mrs. Cake?"

"You can call me Cup, dearie. What do you need?"

"Are all humans here naked? Nord's have a taboo with nudity when out with unfamiliar company."

"Oh! I'm sorry! If you were uncomfortable you should have told me sooner and I would have found something for you to where!”

“For now, it’s not a big deal, but I want to know if I’d be the only human out there with clothes?”

“It’s not a very common thing, but no, you wouldn’t be the only human around here with clothes.”

“Then I’ll suffer for now; I need to keep a low profile,” Rick sighed.

Mrs. Cake had an apologetic expression on her face and wanted to say something to ease his discomfort, but they had finished their descent from the stairs that led up to the living space above the little bakery that Rick first entered when he initially arrived. Around them, were tables spread out within the shop with ponies occupying a few random seats.

To Rick, that was an interesting sight to behold as the pony’s physiology shouldn’t be suitable for how they were sitting around. That was the least interesting trait to be observed, however, these ponies were all brightly colored with colors not usually found in nature, manes styled in ways you could find on humans, and seemingly random depictions of various items or symbols emblazoned on their flanks.

“Come on, Rick, let’s get you something to eat,” Cup whispered by his side and nudged his leg to urge him forward.

Rick replaced his attention toward the mare, and followed her behind the counter where Carrot was running the register. “Good morning, Cupcake, good morning, Rick,” Carrot warmly greeted the two.

“Good morning, Carrot cake,” Cup replied, hurrying around the counter to affectionately nuzzle her husband, “I’m just gonna find something for Rick to eat in the kitchens.”

“Alright, honey. Pinkie is minding the ovens today so our workload will be light today,” Carrot said.

Cup smiled at the news and continued walking towards the kitchen. She pushed through the swinging doors and Rick followed through to see the same hyper pink pony from before zipping about the place and managing multiple baking projects at once.

“Working on the muffins right now, the bundt cakes just went into the oven, the dough is setting for the sugar cookies, and now I’m mixing up chocolate chip, blueberry, banana nut, and raspberry filled cupcakes and doughnuts,” the manic pony announced when the two walked in, not seeming an ounce overworked.

“Gracious, Pinkie Pie! You didn’t have to overload yourself with so many things; Carrot or I could have helped you if you needed it,” Cup said, rushing over to try and alleviate whatever work she could.

“It was no problemo, Mrs. Cake! You know how much I like working here, and there’s no limit to how many pastries I can handle!”

“I appreciate it, Pinkie, but you know how I feel about our employees.”

“I understand, but this is just my way of saying thank you!” Pinkie smiled impossibly wide at Cup before glancing over at Rick who, at one point in that back-and-forth, decided to sit on the floor, “Is the human going to be here the whole day?”

“I think so; it depends on when Zecora can make it by the bakery today,” Cup walked over to the pantry.

“How old is he?” Pinkie walked over to Rick who just sat there, watching her with a semi-blank stare.

“I’m not sure, but he looks to be in his teens,” Cup called back.

My teens, eh? The humans around here are clearly not the Homo Sapiens from my world then. They have to be some sort of prehistoric human. I wonder if—“Can I watch over him if you guys are too busy later?”

Cup emerged from the depths of the pantry with a canvas sack draped across her back, “I’m not sure, Pinkie. I guess it would be fine as long as he doesn’t leave the bakery.”

“Aww! Why can’t he leave the bakery?”

“In case Zecora comes back, I don’t want her worrying,” Cup deposited the sack at Rick’s feet who promptly began to rummage through it. And mercy of all mercies! Within the sack were assorted fruits and vegetables that he could safely consume, but that wasn’t what caught his attention.

From within the sack, Rick’s probing fingers deftly wrapped around their pray and withdrew it. Keeping up the lame human visage, Rick slammed a piece of jerky into his mouth and retreated to a corner of the room with a bright red apple in one hand and a head of broccoli in the other.

“Guess the guy was really hungry, huh?” Pinkie giggled.

“I’m gonna leave him here to eat, you don’t have to watch over him, but mind yourself around him; he hasn’t had much interaction with ponies.” Cup said aloud before disappearing behind the doors leading back to the store front.

“Okie Dokie Lokey!” Pinkie chirped and smiled a large and toothy smile, watching after Mrs. Cake until she was no longer in sight or earshot.

Quick as a pink flash, once she deemed the coast was clear, she ran to Rick who was alternating bites between the apple, jerky, and broccoli. He was mildly disappointed that the jerky was turkey instead of beef and was plainly seasoned, but it was still exponentially more than he assumed would be available for him at the bakery. “I know you can talk, boy.”

Rick looked up at the pink pony, seeing her watching him with a flat stare. “I heard you the other day with the twins. At first I thought it was another pony, but I never heard anyone leave aside from Zecora. Then I saw you do that weird flippy thing this morning, and my suspicions started growing.”

Rick swallowed the apple and took another bite of the jerky, watching her dumbly and desperately trying to keep up the act in hopes that she would give up.

“But you know what, my two-legged friend? You dun goofed just now when grabbing your food. There was one big thing that you did that told me you were no ordinary human.”

“What did I do,” Rick asked, sighing in defeat.

Surprisingly, the pony had absolutely no reaction at hearing Rick speak.

“You smiled!”

Rick just stared at her, as if she had suddenly sprouted a third eye. “Humans don’t smile, silly!

With a palm to the face, Rick expressed his disappointment in himself, “Of any possible thing for you to pick up on, you found me out with one little grin?”

“No smile, no matter the type or physical size, is ‘small’. To me, smiles are all important and are the things that make my life worth living! Smiles are a power to be responsibly used and a force to be reckoned with when properly utilized! Smiles are Love! Smiles are Life!”

Rick was smiling now like crazy at the dramatic antics Pinkie was displaying for something as simple as a smile. However, she did have a point in the power of a smile: sometimes, that’s all you need to get through a particularly bad day.

“So why are you keeping it a secret?”

“No idea how the locals would react. I might have some guess as to how they might react, but they’d all be poorly.”

Pinkie walked away with a hum of contemplation, slowly tapping her chin with her hoof. She took a great deal of time thinking, and would occasionally tend to the baking projects she was working on. For an hour she remained silent, face drawn into a scowl of concentration, but she would still pop something into the oven or walk other things out into the store. She wouldn’t start any new projects though, and just continued with what she already had out. The entirety of the time, Rick would occasionally dip back into the back for another snack. He was working through an unusually juicy pear and cucumber when Pinkie finally decided to speak up.

“I can see why you would be harassed a lot more then accepted. Mainly because of your anomalous nature in reference to Equestreus Simiens, AKA humans, you’d be treated unfairly as many fear the unknown and that which clashes with the norm. Regardless of your potentially assistant behaviors and actions, there are many more who would deny you through mere intimidation whether or not it was your intent to display such a trait.”

Rick absorbed the pink pony’s epiphanies with a shocked expression and a case of Drop Jaw. “Under extreme circumstance of self-sacrifice, it would be the other way around. Acceptance could be a instantaneous feat, or something more gradual,” Pinkie took a moment to remove something from the oven and place it on a nearby cooling rack before replacing it with something else, “but I can see that no matter what, it’s gonna be tough. I can see just by the way you hold yourself, and from what I heard from the other night, that you possess a vast repertoire of skills and an impressive intellect and intelligence. These things alone already place you above the skill and mindset of above-average ponies. That alone will be a large source of isolation as the ponies will be upset that a normally mindless creature being better than most,” Pinkie finished.

For almost a whole minute, Rick just sat there, mouth wide open and half-eaten foods in either hand. To be able to pull such extensive analyses from little to nothing was an astronomical improbability. At least it would have been if that wasn’t the exact same thing that Rick had in his head and he possessed the whole story! To know that Pinkie was able to get all of that was warrant for speechlessness.

“Pinkie Pie, could you please act as my mediator to assist my assimilation into this world?” Rick asked, still with the dumbfounded expression on his face.

She looked up at him with a sad smile and shook her head, “I’m not wise enough to do something like that, as much as I’d like to. I can get a lot from a little, but other than that, I usually rely on my instincts or what I call my Pinkie Sense.”

“If that’s what you would call simple deduction or instinct, I envy you. That right there was probably the most impressive sleuthing I have ever had witness to!”

“Aww, well thanks, big guy! I try. But if you really need somebody to mediate for you, I can recommend you to someone.”

Something about her statement was off. Not it’s stated content, but how she said a particular word, “Did you just say somebody?”

Pinkie shrugged, “It seemed better to say with for some reason. You’re not a pony and to say ‘somepony’ in this case seemed exclusive to only other ponies. I won’t say it around my friends, but with you, it seemed more respectful.”

“You’re a strange one, Pinkie,” Rick commented with a chuckle.

“Again, I try to be. Life is too boring by itself so being silly makes it better!”

“Amen to that.”

“What does ‘amen’ mean?”

“Let it be,” Rick explained while standing up with the sack in hand, “I’m gonna put this away.”

“Okie Dokie Lokey! And if you want that mediator, go to a place called Sweet Apple Acres. It’s northwest from here. You can’t miss it!” Pinkie called cheerily before walking back out to the storefront with the last tray of baked goods balanced on her head.

After depositing the food sack back into the pantry, Rick stood in the middle of the kitchen, contemplating his next move. His priorities were kind of scrambled since he couldn't exactly move freely yet and, thanks to Pinky, he learned that he should greatly increase his attention to the particularly small nuances of emotion he could accidentally sabotage himself with should he let them slip.

"Rick?" Cup's voice called out from the storefront.

Rick swiveled his head and saw the mare subtly trying to urge him over to the swinging doors. He walked over softly and quickly, seeing a somewhat concerned expression on her face.

"Yes?"

"Zecora came by, and she won't be able to get you. She has to return to her home for a little while, not the Everfree Hut, but the land where she came from. She said you could handle yourself and to let you explore the town so that if you ever need anything, you'll know where to find it."

"How am I supposed to explore the town? Won't the ponies notice me without a handler of some sort?"

"Usually, yes. Humans aren't normally allowed around without a leash or collar, and it would feel horribly wrong to do that to you."

"Yeah, I wouldn't feel comfortable walking around naked with only a collar on. But I have an idea; do you have a plain white sheet that you wouldn't mind parting with?"

Cup hummed to herself, eyes cast upward in thought before her face brightened with recognition, "I do! It was torn on the edge but I never got around to fixing it or throwing it out."

"Could you bring it to me, please?"

"Of course, dearie. I'll only be a moment." She smiled warmly and turned around to head upstairs to the living rooms.

“A robe, huh?”

Rick turned to find Pinkie staring at him out of the corner of her eye. “That’s a good move; it seems tribal enough to match Zecora.”

“I feel like sooner or later, you’re probably gonna be able to guess my life story just by the way I hold my spoon or something ridiculous like that,” Rick sighed with a shake of his head.

“Nah, even I’m not that good,” Pinkie said with a dismissive wave with one hoof while she beat some mixture of batter with the other.

For a moment, Rick felt a need to counter that statement with the evidence of her being extremely deductive from even the tiniest of clues. However, seeing as how it should ultimately prove meaningless due to the fact that she was already full of x factors and that he had no idea what she was like overall, he decided to leave his mental files of her unedited until he could talk to her at length later in private.

“Rick dear? I have that sheet,” Cup called out as she walked through the doors, keeping her voice relatively quiet as to avoid alerting Pinkie.

“Ah, thank you, Cup,” Rick said with a grateful smile as he took it from her.

Cup’s eyes widened a moment and darted to Pinkie, silently asking the obvious question.

“She figured it out already, and with the most non-obvious of things to figure it out too,” Rick explained. Pinkie just smiled and nodded rapidly.

He took only a moment to inspect the sheet, noting where the tears were and how big the sheet was. He stood there, tipping the sheet about at different angles for only a few seconds before his fingers twiddled around with the tear. With deft motions and quick tugs, he undid some of the weaving and followed it up the entire length of the sheet’s edge, making it look like it was woven on an old shuttle loom and the ends were left loose. Satisfied with the quick aesthetic modification, he grabbed the opposite top corners, ripped edge towards his feet, and tied it over his shoulder.

“Would you happen to have a length of rope lying about?” Rick asked as he pulled his arm out from under the sheet so both could be free.

“I have some in my room! I’ll be right back,” Pinkie chirped before darting out of the kitchen.

“Why would she have rope in her room?”

“Pinkie is a strange one, sometimes. She also has some balls stashed around Ponyville for what she calls ‘Ball Emergencies’. I’m surprised you’re so comfortable with her already; you were pretty clear about taking your time in revealing yourself. That was pretty quick.”

“Like I said, she figured it out on her own. I guess, given the clues she picked up, it was pretty obvious. This just taught me to be even more careful though.”

“Got it!” Pinkie jumped from behind Rick, even though he was facing the doorway and the only way she could have entered was through there. The doors were still motionless and there was no way she could crawl underneath or jump over.

“Sweet Jesus, Pinkie Pie! How on Earth did you do that?” Rick almost shouted before just harshly whispering.

“Infinite Improbability Matrix,” Pinkie replied as if that made perfect sense.

Rick looked to Mrs. Cake who just looked back and shrugged, equally as confused.

With a wary look, Rick relieved Pinkie of the rope and slowly wrapped it around his waist, never once taking his eye off her. From the length of the rope, he had to wrap it around his waist three times before the ends met evenly on his right hip where he cinched the robe together with a heavy knot.

With a cursory glance over himself, Rick nodded in approval. Pinkie and Cup looked on as well, murmuring their praise in the simple attire. “Well, I guess you’re covered enough to feel comfortable and it’s rather obvious who your handler is!” Cup Cake noted.

“Yeah! It would look better with some black stripes, but this definitely screams ‘Zecora,’” Pinkie added.

“It is pretty comfortable, although, some underwear would be nice. However, seeing as how I’m supposed to look human,—” God it felt strange to say that as if I wasn’t—“I suppose this is the best I can do.”

“Are you gonna explore Ponyville then?” Cup asked.

“I might as well; don’t want to get in the way of your business and knowing the layout of this town in case of emergency was pretty wise of Zecora to suggest,” Rick replied, nodding his head.

“That’s Zecora for you!” Pinkie chirped just as she slammed the oven doors shut after extracting a tray of muffins from it.

“Well, Rick, if you’re going to explore, you can take the back door,” Cup offered, gesturing to the door in discussion with a jerk of her head, “But come back tonight; the kids will wonder where you went.”

Rick smiled, “You know I wouldn’t just up and vanish without saying anything to my favorite little ponies.”

Cup smiled in response before giving a quick goodbye and returning back to the storefront. Pinkie waved bye as well before she tossed a bunch of doughnuts into an oil bath. Rick smiled and waved at them both in turn before turning toward the door and opening it.

“Traverse the White Light?” Rick muttered to himself before slowly passing the threshold of the doorframe and into the other part of the world.

In the light, the little hamlet known as Ponyville was much more vibrant in colors and lush with plant life lining the cottages and houses that made up the town. Stepping forward, shoulders slouched and feet landing flat like how he observed other humans move, Rick continued further into the village, bare feet shuffling against the dirt path.

All the while, Rick’s eyes and brain worked in tandem to catalog and compartmentalize his surroundings and the ponies that passed by. His face and demeanor remained unimpressed and apathetic, but internally, his jaw was left behind on the floor and his eyes had burst from his head in wonder.

Ponies trotted about, going about their daily routines, some with horns on their heads, others with saddlebags, and more still that bore both. Some had cast a curious glance his way, pondering his strange attire before simply deciding that he wasn’t worth the effort to think about. The younger foal’s gaze lingered on him longer and were usually accompanied by small smiles and tentative steps of interest in his direction before a usually accompanying older pony urged them along, much to the foal’s chagrin.

Here and there, were humans shuffling with their pony handlers, mostly naked with but a collar and leash around their necks.

Shorter than Homo Spaiens, but sturdier than Neanderthal, Rick thought to himself as he observed the native humans, their heads are more squashed but with wider and more sloped cheeks. The slight pronounce of the forehead and the weak chin would suggest Homo Antecessor. So pre-Neanderthal and stronger than I am, but their mental capacity should be significantly lower than what I previously thought.

While he analyzed the humans passively, he also watched their mannerisms, Arms and hands sway like a typical Homo Erectus would, but the way they waddle is less sizable than it ought to be. There must have been a pause in their evolutionary progression, instead, they just advanced in dexterity. Their gait is surprisingly similar to modern Homo Sapiens, but they land heavier and the posture relates more to a primate. Neck forward, shoulders back, elbows held bent, chin slightly dropped, and eyes still.

As he noticed each mannerism, he improved his own stride to match them, hoping that the overall disguise looked perfect enough to dupe even the most astute pony. He felt like it was pretty spot on, but he knew he could only do so much just from visually mimicking them; he was born as a modern Man after all.

For the better part of three hours, Rick noted numerous locations around the main square of Ponyville, the center of it all being Town Hall. He saw Barnyard Bargains, Quills and Sofas, Sugarcube Corner—the bakery he emerged from—the path to Sweet Apple Acres, and the one place that he felt he had to go inside: Golden Oaks Library. The place was a giant frickin’ tree!

Of course, he didn’t waltz inside as most humans probably couldn’t waltz in this world anyway, but he also didn’t walk inside either. But God knew he oh so desperately wanted to; he loved reading and he loved acquiring new information about the unknown. Obviously, this place would give him a massive assist in assimilation if he could get his meat hooks on one or three…hundred of those books.

“Shoo, boy, go back to your owner,” what sounded like a little boy’s voice called out behind Rick.

Turning in a jerky fashion, Rick lazily eyed the owner of the voice, resisting the urge to chuckle. There before him was a small purple dragon with a light green belly and lime green spines along the top and sides of his head. His claw was extended to compliment the shoo’ing motion and he had a gentle smile on his face.

“Come on, boy, Twilight doesn’t like humans near her books,” the dragon urged again.

Turning around completely, Rick faced the little dragon and continued staring at him, interested that there was a docile baby dragon in a pony area. Slightly contradictory to what Zecora mentioned when they first discussed this world and his.

“You’re a strange one, aren’tcha? I’ve never seen a human with hair and eyes like yours. Also, you’re really tall and kinda skinny,” the dragon noted, running his gaze along Rick’s body, “I wonder if you belong to Zecora; that robe thing you have looks like something she’d have.”

Glad to know the disguise works then. As well as knowing that Zecora has some acquaintance around town, Rick noted.

“Hmm, I wonder if you’re trained. Sit!” the dragon barked suddenly.

An idea suddenly hit Rick and he prayed it would work if this Twilight was who he thought they were. Quickly, Rick tucked his legs up and fell to the ground in a sit, cross-legged.

“Cool! How about Roll-over?” Smiling internally, Rick reached out quickly, snatched the small dragon and flipped him sideways before depositing him back onto his feet.

The dragon had gasped in surprise before giggling, “Never had a human do that before! How about shake?”

Rick shuddered violently in response instead of taking the dragon’s offered hand, who giggled even more at Rick’s antics, “That’s not how you do it! You’re supposed to shake my hand! Here’s an easy one then: Speak!”

“Speak!” Rick barked out in a guttural voice as if harshly mimicking him. At the same time, he was cheering internally that his luck worked for him; he was hoping that command would come up!

The dragon’s mouth dropped and he leaned forward in shock. Never before, in recorded history, was there a human who could actually talk. “Wow! You can talk! Do it again!”

Rick remained silent; sitting there quietly as if waiting for a command he recognized which came after the few seconds the dragon realized what was needed. “Speak!”

“Speak!” Rick barked again.

“I gotta show you to Twilight! Follow me, boy!” The dragon jumped up and dashed into the tree that was Golden Oaks Library, and Rick followed him inside, sticking close to the dragon in hopes of mimicking a domesticated human.

“Twilight! You have to see this!” the dragon called out excitedly.

While they had entered, Rick gazed around the place, mapping it out and marveling at the architecture and amount of books within. The dragon had directed his call to the second story of the tree that was an open loft area that overlooked the main room. It seemed a little dangerous that the second floor just dropped off to the main room, but what was life without a little danger?

“What is it, Spike?” a woman’s voice called from above, out of sight. Spike, huh? Cute name.

“Something that’ll blow your mind! Just come down here!” Spike called out again, this time turning to stare at Rick and bounce in place from excitement.

“Ugh, I’m trying to catch up on my journal; this had better be good,” the voice responded with an exasperated sigh, followed by hooves clopping toward the edge of the drop to the main room. From beyond the edge, a purple, furry head popped out that was brandishing a horn. Her eyes were narrowed menacingly when she noticed what Spike was trying to present to her, “Spike, why the buck is there a human in my library?”

“He’s different! Just watch!” Spike turned to Rick, “Speak, boy!”

“Speak Boy!” Rick barked, putting harsh emphasis on the vowels.

Spike did a victorious fist-pump and chuckled with glee just as a flash of purple light burst behind Rick, causing him to yelp in fright and back away. “What in Equestria was that!?”

The purple unic… She has wings too? The fuck? What the hell are ponies like her called? Rick thought to himself, highly confused.

“He can talk! Isn’t that cool, Twilight!?” Spike hopped form foot to foot.

“Spike, you don’t understand,” Twilight said with a shake of her head and pulling him away from Rick with her magic, “Humans don’t have vocal cords that can do that!” Well shit. Rick groaned internally.

“Who are you? Are you a changeling?” Twilight asked as her horn glowed and she glared at him menacingly.

Rick slowly crouched defensively, feet pointed toward the door to facilitate his getaway, eyes fixed on her glowing horn. “Twilight? What’s going on?” Spike asked nervously, alternating his gaze between her and Rick.

“Human vocal cords are too full of muscle to do anything else but bark or growl. That means there is more grey matter in his cords to allow him to speak. Obviously not human,” Twilight explained.

Cursing himself for that stupid gamble to attain information, Rick held his ground, unable to make a move without blowing his cover. “Again: who are you?” Twilight’s horn glowed brighter, and Rick took a step back, fear now apparent on his face.

“Twilight, what if he’s just special? He look’s different from all the other humans after all!” Spike tried to defend Rick but Twilight wasn’t budging. “His appearance shouldn’t be genetically possible, even more proof that he isn’t a human. Last chance, creature; who and what are you?”

Practically shitting his robe, Rick didn’t dare twitch a muscle, so it came as quite a surprise when he suddenly found himself being lifting by a purple glow and a piercing pain ripping through his skull. Within his mind’s eye, a picture flashed through his head of Stacy smiling up at him, in her leotard, presenting her 1st Place Gymnastics Medal to him.

He cried out in pain, as did Twilight as her spell faded away. They both buckled at the knees and collapsed to the floor, but Rick was quick to recover and bolted out of the tree before Twilight could even utter a syllable and before Spike could check on her to see if she was alright.

From years of martial arts training, he was used to shrugging off intense pains and being able to function perfectly shortly after doing so, but keeping track of where he was running while trying to maintain an indigenous human visage and keep the pain out of his head was a completely different story.

And here my luck just takes a dump all over me. To think that the humans here are that underdeveloped is just… impossible! There must be different evolutionary laws in effect here than from my world, Rick slid alongside a house and collapsed onto his butt, leaning against the wall to try and catch his breath and clear his head from the lingering ache of whatever that horned pegasus or winged unicorn just did to him.

For that minute, he didn’t try to collect and organize the data floating around his head, just allowing him the moment’s respite and to relax to the soothing cello music… wait, what?

Rick looked around, curious as to where the sound was coming from, until he stood back up to search. Just above his head was a small window where the music was gently pouring from.

Reaching up to grab the sill, Rick slowly pulled himself up to see through the portal, and found a grey pony with a long, black, straight mane, standing next to a grand cello, and swaying to the motions of her bow along the strings as they produced a beautiful harmony of notes.

Whatever the pony mare was playing, it was in a minor key, mellow and almost saddening to listen to, with long wilting notes and gentle transitions between chords. The images she played were some of heartbreak and betrayal, and now that Rick really was paying attention to her, he noted that the fur under her closed eyes were matted with tears and her mane had stray strands of hair stuck out at odd angles.

She was in pain.

Against all better judgment, Rick snuck back around to the front door, gently worked it open and eased himself inside, careful not to disturb her. The entire time, she kept up her mournful melody, eyes still closed and leaking their distress.

She kept up the melody for a few more minutes before gently scaling down on the chords to a sad and tragic ending with a five second long still note. With a sniff, the mare set the bow down and rubbed her eyes, gently sobbing from the pain she was experiencing until she opened her eyes and gasped.

There, sitting on the floor just before her with red rimmed eyes, was a strange human she had never seen before.

“Where did you come from?” she asked.

Rick just sat there, staring at the mare, eyes burning from the pain he felt in her heart as she played.

It was a strange sight for the mare to witness, as humans were generally hard to upset and most definitely harder to upset with mere music. It wasn’t unheard of to see a human crying, but not exactly a common occurrence either.

“How did you get in here? Where is your owner?” the mare asked.

Rick cocked his head to the side, allowing a single tear to spill, eyes trying to express the concern for the poor mare.

Gently, the mare sat the cello down into a velvet lined case and approached Rick, a sad but curious expression on her face, “You don’t bite, do you?” Rick almost answered vocally, but kept his silence and just huffed a very low bark.

She chuckled at his response, which only tugged at Rick’s heart more because her sad expression mixed with the amused chuckle seemed to accentuate her need for release from her heart’s suffering, “That’s good. You really shouldn’t go into other pony’s houses like that, though; you could get hurt, especially if they’re a unicorn,” she said, gently running her hoof along Rick’s head, much like how humans would stroke the mane of a horse.

Calmly and slowly, Rick reached a hand up and gently grasped the mare’s hoof. She watched him curiously as he set her hoof down and stood up, in a low crouch, and began to walk to the cello. She followed him with a concerned expression, hoping the human wouldn’t do anything damaging.

Tenderly, Rick touched the bow to the cello first, than lightly plucked the first string of the cello, letting it secrete its tones. “You like music, huh? That makes one pony,” she huffed in annoyance. Rick could tell that her annoyance wasn’t at him, though.

Then, much to her surprise, Rick jerked up and stepped quickly to another instrument that was lying nearby. There was a dingy violin in a worn and cracked case, nestled under a low sitting table. Its box was still in playable condition, but the neck looked slightly warped and the action on the top of the head was chipped, allowing the third and fourth strings to hang loosely.

Keeping up a lame human’s image, Rick whimpered softly, and gently tapped the instrument’s case with his knuckles.

“It was a gift from somepony I used to call my friend. I used to play it everyday when I could, but as you could see it’s fallen into a state of disrepair and there isn’t anypony in town who could fix it.

You’re strange, do you know that? I’ve never seen a human who looked like they could understand ponies and identify musical instruments. Or even cry to music! It takes a lot to get a human to cry, and it’s usually by physical discomfort rather than emotional,” the mare noted, standing next to Rick as they both looked down upon the once proud violin.

A once-called friend, eh? She must have hurt her somehow and that’s why this mare is so pained. Welp, fuck me for being a fool but I was never one to let anybody suffer. I can’t just out myself with speech, but I have a way to make my intelligence be known in a much more…mundane manner, Rick began to whip his head around, glancing around the humble little cottage, and targeting various objects.

“What are you looking at? Shouldn’t you be getting back to your owner? I’m sure they must be worried sick about you. And for land sakes, could you kindly leave my house? It is rather rude to enter one’s domicile without being invited,” the mare said, a hint of irritation invading her tone.

Rather than do what she asked, Rick launched himself into action, snatching various items faster than the mare could keep track, but she was voicing her distress at what looked like a wild human randomly ransacking her home. “What are you doing!? Stop that! Put that down this instant! Keep your paws off of that! Cut it out! Have you gone mad!? I’ll call the authorities right this moment if you keep this up!”

Than Rick slid over to the violin and faced the mare, one hand raised in what he hoped was the universal sign for ‘Stop’. The mare in discussion quickly halted in her tracks and gazed, open mouthed at Rick.

He turned back to the violin, and with the utmost care and nurturing motions, he began to repair the violin.

The mare stammered and stuttered her disbelief as Rick expertly worked the bolt in the violin’s neck, resetting the warped state into its more natural and erect state. He dropped the screwdriver and picked up the wooden coaster he took, and set it under the strings, wrapping a rubber band around it to hold it in place and using a pilfered fork as a sort of clip to keep the strings stuck in the rubber band. With deft fingers, he unwound the tuning nuts, just enough to remove the damaged action and replace it with what looked like an ashtray. He gauged its height and the way it curved, seeing where the strings would sit and took it back into his hands.

He took up a comb he had taken and than what looked like an oversized nail file. With an even more inventive used of rubber bands and some tape, he fashioned a heavy file and used it to score a cleavage line onto the ashtray. Once he finished that, he raised a sturdy picture frame, and firmly cracked it against the ashtray, perfectly splitting the ceramic plate where he intended. Then he reset it into the action, fiddled with it a moment more, than once again withdrew it.

Once more, he brought the file to the ceramic, and filed four notches into it at certain depths. Finally, he set the improvised action into its spot, reset the tuning pegs, removed the jerry-rigged place holder, and moved onto the bow.

Overall, the bow was fine and just needed to be tightened and dipped in more rosin which was resting in the violin’s case.

Just as quickly as he repaired the violin, he tightened the bow, ran the strings through the rosin until they were adequately coated and proceeded to do what he believed would be the stupidest thing he could potentially do all day.

The mare, still suffering from her extreme case of Drop Jaw and Shockinitus, watched on as Rick lifted the newly repaired violin, set it under his chin in an expert stance, and set the bow to the strings.

With one more wary glance at the mare, Rick began to play the violin, in the same key that the mare had used on the cello, and tried to the best of his ability, to play what she felt.

It shouldn’t have to be said that the mare was extremely confused and baffled by the unexpected turn of events, but she quickly found herself absorbed by the music Rick exuded.

He played the images of heartbreak and longing for something that he could not have; gently swaying with the rising and falling of the emotions of the notes he played. The chords he played were gentle and full of emotion, and they smoothly transitioned between each other.

Quickly, Rick fell into the music he played and forgot his audience of one, feeling the pains of losing his family in his notes and releasing his sorrows through the bow, allowing the strings to vocalize his own suffering, trying to tell the mare that she wasn’t alone in her suffering.

For about five minutes he played before he ended the sorrowful melody with a long wilting note. He stood there, eyes slowly opening once again, tears gently flowing from them, and watched the mare watching him with a sad gaze.

She sniffled when she realized he had finished, wiped her face of the fresh tears she cried, and smiled softly, gently clopping her hooves against the ground in mild applause.

“Bravo. Absolutely beautiful. I’ve never before heard such an amazing song come from that violin. And never would I expect a human, of all creatures, to be able to play it. But now this raises the very obvious point: you’re not what you seem to be, are you?” she asked.

Rick smiled softly and shook his head.

“So you can understand me than?”

A nod.

“Can you speak?”

Another nod.

“Please, could I have the honor of knowing your name? If you have one that is.”

Rick smiled once more, sat down while putting the violin back into its case, and offered her his hand. She gazed at it for a moment before tentatively placing her hoof into it, “I’m Octavia,” she said, a smile on her face.

Taking a deep breath, Rick steeled himself before opening his own mouth and allowing his vocal cords to work, “Ricardo Johnson.”

Octavia flinched when she heard his voice, almost crying out in fear at hearing it, but was quick to regain her composure, “My word. A human that can speak? How quickly this day has turned from depressing to eventful.”

“Not human. I’m a Nord,” Rick explained.

“Nord? I’ve never heard of your kind before. But it would explain why you’re much easier on the eyes than the humans here,” Octavia replied, gently extracting her hoof from Rick’s grasp.

“I’d be surprised if you had. Nords aren’t from this world; I got here by accident when I was traveling dimensions.”

“Not from… this world?” Rick nodded. “Traveling dimensions? What kind of magic does your kind possess to be able to do that?”

Rick laughed, “It was actually an accident from another being. Our kind doesn’t have magic, but I made a pact with that being to be sent here where I would be safe from an affliction that would kill me had I stayed home.”

“That sounds silly,” Octavia gave him a quizzical frown.

“I look like a talking and intelligent human, your argument is invalid,” Rick retorted.

“Oh, come on! How are you ‘accidently’ sent to a different dimension?”

“Simple,” Rick replied with a shrug.

“Oh? And how do you propose that is,” Octavia demanded, sitting back on her haunches and giving him a demanding stare.

“Took a wrong turn on Mulberry,” I told Zecora I was going to stick to that alibi and by The Nine I will! …Goddamn I spent way too much time on videogames.

Octavia’s stare turned flat, she remained that way for a few seconds, and then planted her hoof into her face with a longsuffering sigh, “Of all the potential Nords I’m sure there are, our world had the un-privilege to be graced by a goofball.”

Rick sniffed haughtily and turned his nose upward in a very snooty manner, “Such harsh insults coming from one so unkempt! Gad, madam, gad!” He started laughing mentally at her scowl.

“Like you are one to talk, with that haggard rag of a robe you have for attire!” Octavia retorted.

“At least I have the dignity to robe myself, you nudist barbarian!” Rick spat back, the hints of a smile coming to the edges of his lips.

Octavia crossed her hooves across her chest, but a smile began to pull at her lips as well, “I’ll have you know that the coat I’m wearing currently has been maintained with the utmost care! I’m hardly nude, you primeval oaf!”

They sat there, giving each other mock glares for a long minute. Suddenly, both snorted, trying to hold in their amusement before just bursting out into laughter.

“Thank you, Ricardo,” Octavia said, giggling slightly from the aftershocks, “I’ve not had a very easy time in light of recent events and it feels good to know there’s somepony there that cares.”

“I think your friend probably still cares,” Rick offered.

Octavia huffed indignantly, “Of course she doesn’t; if I was any sort of priority, she’d attend just one of my shows!”

With the way her tone began rising, Rick decided that this went way beyond what a simple pep talk could fix. He dropped the subject and instead remained silent until Octavia cleared her throat, catching his attention.

“I don’t suppose you would mind visiting for a little while. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a music session with a partner,” Octavia’s eyes were full of hope and her lips fell into a very subtle pout.

“Of course not. Honestly, I haven’t had the privilege to play any music in years. If you wouldn’t mind, however, I would like to ask if you have any other instruments on hand that I might be familiar with,” Rick asked.

“That you’re familiar with? You seemed perfectly comfortable on the violin just now.”

“I don’t play the violin. I was mirroring the motions you were using on your cello and improvising the notes every bar to reflect a different feeling.”

Octavia’s mouth looked ready to fall again, “You did all that… just from watching me?”

Rick just looked away and nodded weakly, praying that she didn’t feel intimidated. But after a moment, he heard her laughing again, “How impressive! Not am I just graced by a different sort of creature I’ve never heard of before, but he’s also wildly intelligent!”

“It doesn’t bug you?”

“Not at all! One pony could envy your mind, sure, but I’ve always believed that the only way to improve oneself is to be around those better than you are in order to learn!”

“Even if I look like something supposed to be stupid?”

“Never judge a book by its cover,” Octavia sagely responded.

Rick just chuckled, amused by how lucky he was to find another level headed pony. “What instruments are you familiar with?” Octavia asked.

“Strings, or percussion. In particular, I prefer guitar, bass, drums, piano, and the theramin when I’m feeling silly.”

“Theramin? Not quite sure what that is. How about any winds?”

“The ocarina, saxophone, and oboe were the only ones I was really into.”

“Ocarina? My, you have such different instruments. I would love to be able to know what that is.”

“Actually, I can improvise one right now!” Rick stood up, “Do you have a sweet potato?”

Octavia looked at him like he was an idiot, “Er, yes, I do, but why would that matter for an instrument?”

“I can fashion one from it. Usually, they’re made of ceramic, but for today, a potato would hold.”

Octavia gave him another stare that was very obviously a stare that questioned his sanity. But she stood up anyway and went out the room through a doorway that led, presumably, to her kitchen.

“A knife would also be necessary, preferably one with a point,” Rick called after her.

“You’re very strange, do you know that?” her voice called back, “I’m questioning you’re mental health as we speak.”

“I question my mental health as well, I mean, why I haven’t ran for president yet is beyond me—“ oh hey, a butterfly!” Rick jeered, hoping to get a sort of reaction from Octavia.

“…Should I fetch a needle and a straight jacket as well?”

Rick just laughed at her joking tone, happy for that reaction. He began to calm down when Octavia entered the living room again, a medium sized sweet potato balanced on her head and what looked an awful lot like a steak knife in her teeth.

With a gracious thank you, Rick took the offered items, inverted the knife in his grasp, and began to carve away at his victim. Again and again, he plunged the knife deep into the flesh, decapitating it, goring its insides and removing its innards. Twelve times, he twisted the tip of the knife into its skin, extracting more flesh and casting it aside. With a final slash into his prey, he scored out a line of a hole.

“That was quite a messy process,” Octavia muttered, annoyed at the mess he made on her table.

“But fun. Now, to tune it,” Rick declared.

“Tune it? This is how you make it?”

Rick didn’t answer; instead, he blew into the slit, his pinkie finger covering the hole on the far right of the top row of four holes. To Octavia’s surprise, a clear, high-pitched note rang from the lobotomized spud.

After a second long note, Rick covered a hole on the bottom of the potato with a thumb, blew again, then covered the other bottom hole with the other thumb, “That one is off,” He stated before grabbing the knife, scoring the hole to a slightly larger bore, than blowing through the slit again, “There we are.”

For two minutes, Rick blew through the potato, slowly covering each hole, adjusting their size when he claimed they didn’t sound right, and testing the scaling to make sure everything was in tune.

Octavia listened intently and noticed something, “It plays perfectly into a Tenor C octave! What an interesting idea for an instrument! And quite a pretty sound too.”

“I had one at home that had four chambers in it. I could play Bass, Tenor, Alto, and Soprano on it.”

“A wind instrument that plays all four ranges!? Impossible!”

“It could play in those ranges, but they were usually stuck in their respective keys. Mine was C, but I had two other that were in G and A Minor.”

“Ah, so if you wanted to play in different keys, you needed another ocarina that was built for it?”

“Exactly, but in my opinion, it was the clearest and purest sound of any wind instrument. You can’t tell from this hobbled together version, but once I have one properly made, I could show you.”

“I can’t wait, but for now, how about a song?” Octavia smiled while taking up her cello once again.

“Please,” Rick agreed politely before inhaling deeply and playing the ocarina as Octavia played her cello.

This melody was happier and played at a comfortable tempo that could be danced to. They both expressed their gratitude toward each other and shared their compassion in their instruments with sophisticated scalings and note transitions.

All in all, both Rick and Octavia could agree that that was one of the most interesting duets the two ever had! After all, it was a pony and a human playing together… MASS HYSTERIA!!!

Author's Note

You were directed to this page in Error; If problem remains Unresolved or is Recurring, Please contact your Systems Administrator. Error Code:
TheGlitchInTheMatrix

Big Chase! And an Oh So Terrible Cartoon Quote...

Author's Note

Had a slight delay in posting this chapter. Had a power outage that completely scrambled my computer's brains for whatever odd reason. Didn't even know that was technologically possible...

So I spent the majority of my weekend re-organizing all of my files... and I mean ALL. OF. MY. FILES. This is the last of our pre-written material, so expect a highly sporadic update schedule.

Big Chase! And an Oh So Terrible Cartoon Quote...

Big Chase! And an Oh So Terrible Cartoon Quote…

There they sat, Octavia and Rick, panting and sweating after their passionate session of music making. Of course, if that were read out of context and with complete disregard that the author is currently writing directly to you in violation of fourth wall boundaries, that would sound like a pretty hot clop time.

Fortunately for all you non-liberal, counter-hippy, Beatles hating fucktards, this was an intentional innuendo that would make both our parents ashamed. They just played songs all day… perverts.

“I can’t believe it still,” Octavia sighed wistfully, her eyes closed and a contented smile on her face.

“Believe what?” Rick asked, half paying attention to her and half paying attention to repairing his improvised ocarina. Despite the ocarina’s nickname of “Sweet Potato Flute”, it didn’t actually function well when made from an actual sweet potato.

“This day I’ve had so far. Absolutely unbelievable!”

“Well, I can vouch for half of the day you’ve claimed you’ve had, but I’m not aware of what happened before this half.”

“One of my biggest concerts were scheduled for today and I completely just blew the normal score off and played only one song that I improvised to share my broken heart, most likely upsetting hundreds of ponies, came here and smashed a cello and tried to the best of my ability to mutilate that violin—”

“I thought you said it fell into that state of disrepair from neglect?” Rick raised an eyebrow and watched her curiously.

She smiled at him nervously, “I was…being misinformative in an effort to…hide myself.”

“Fat load of good that did you,” Rick smiled warmly.

“Quite,” Octavia agreed, chuckling a little in response, “so today I was betrayed, than committed a betrayal, wallowed in depressing music, met you, more depression, but shocked into curiosity, than happily played lively and foreign tunes with a hyper-intelligent Nord!”

“See, when you put it that way, it sounds like I’m some kind of walking talking encyclopedia/almanac/instructional booklet,” Rick muttered.

“How many instruments can you play?” Octavia suddenly asked.

“Uh… I can actually play many,” Rick answered, thinking deeply to get a more accurate answer.

“Uh-huh, and how many hobbies are you regular in?”

“Now define ‘regular’,” Rick said defensively, crossing his arms with a slight blush across his cheeks.

“How many languages can you speak?”

“Ninety-eight,” Rick said without hesitation. Octavia blanched and allowed her jaw to take a leave of absence from the upper part of her skull, but Rick giggled a moment after, “Nah I’m just joshing; I can only speak seven. Not so impressive now is it? Only seven, hah!”

“Well, you put it that way and—Buck no! That’s still insane! What in Equestria would somepony study so many languages for?!” Octavia responded at first in an agreeing tone than popped right back into being bamboozled.

Rick just shrugged his shoulders.

“As I’ve said: Hyper-Intelligent,” Octavia grumbled, crossing her forelegs across her barrel.

“And I still think that’s a matter of opinion,” Rick grumbled back.

"Seeing as how you chose not to divulge certain truths about yourself, it could be safe to assume that those are, indeed, facts, rather than opinions," Octavia replied smugly.

Rick just shook his head and went back to trying to patch up the mutilated spud that made his instrument.

Octavia went back to her cello and replayed certain bars of some of the tunes they had played together. At least, only the lively ones; she had came free of her funk just a moment ago, no need to get back into it. Then, a soft and slow knocking reverberated through the house from the front door.

"Hey 'Tavi?" a mare's voice called through the door, "I know you're home and I know that you're not gonna open the door." Octavia's face scowled when she heard the voice and she turned away, a resolute scowl on her brow, "I most certainly am not," she mumbled. "But I'm not here for that anyway. I know you're finally done with me…"

Octavia's scowl softened ever so slightly, but she didn't turn. "I can say I'm sorry until I'm blue in the face, but the truth is, I don't think I deserve to ever be forgiven for how I've treated you." Octavia's scowl lessened even further, but still, she did not face the door. "I bucked this up—really bad this time; there's no coming back from this." Octavia's scowl softened substantially, but remained apparent, and her head shifted ever so slightly to the door.

There was a stretch of silence, and Rick assumed that whoever that was, confessing out there, had left, until they inhaled deeply and continued, "I'm so sorry, Octavia," the voice was shaky, "I'm giving this back to you; I definitely don't deserve it. Good luck in the future, Octavia; you deserve better friends than the piece of shit I turned out to be." Octavia's scowl vanished entirely, her ears splayed backward, and she half-turned to look at the door, "That's not true, Vinyl," she whispered ever so softly.

Nothing more came from the Lore Door, spouting out confessions and pleas for forgiveness. Octavia and Rick sat silently, Rick unsure if he should do anything. After another minute of inactivity passed, Octavia got up and walked over to the door, pressing her face against the door to peer through the peephole.

With slow motions, Octavia opened the door and stuck her head out. From his position, Rick couldn't tell if the mare outside was still standing there, but judging from her sweeping gaze and then a choked sob when she looked down at the ground, something serious had just happened.

Rick didn't move, only let Octavia shudder in the doorway with repressed sobs. She did move back in, something glinting in her teeth that was in view as she closed the door. "Octavia?" Rick called to her.

"I want to hate her," Octavia said shakily, "Celestia knows just how much she's hurt me and how much I put up with her. But after this, I truly understand just how much she meant what she said."

Standing up, Rick stepped over to her side and saw a pair of oversized, purple-tinted sunglasses. They had a pearlescent finish on them that made them seem like different colors and he couldn't see through them at all. A pretty bitchin' set of shades.

"All it takes is for someone to lose something for them to understand just what exactly it was they lost," Rick said, not really thinking about what he was saying. It wasn't until Octavia started chuckling weakly that he became tense. "Hyper-Intelligent and a philosopher. Is there anything about you that isn't impressive?"

Again, acting on impulse rather than thoroughly comprehending what he said, he looked down at his crotch, "Well, I'm not really that well-endow—Nope, nevermind, that's pretty impressive too."

Octavia gave him a flat stare, "I rest my case. For your maturity… or lack of, is very impressive."

"I try," Rick shrugged, "Can't really be too likeable, can I?"

"It's hard to tell if you're being highly arrogant, or just kidding around," Octavia shook her head disapprovingly.

Smiling warmly at her, Rick rubbed her shoulder affectionately, "Just trying to cheer to you up." Octavia flinched at the sudden contact, but returned the smile, "Well, I don't think it worked as well as you planned, but I appreciate the effort."

"Anytime," Rick nodded, then looked through a window next to the doorway and the color drained from his cheeks, "I shall take my leave now, if you don't mind."

"Not at all. It was a pleasure meeting you, Rick… and fairly surprising I might add," Octavia held out her hoof, of which Rick firmly took into his hand and shook. He was trying to keep a calm visage on, "The pleasure and surprise is mine as well. I have two favors to ask of you before I leave though."

"Of course?"

"Whoever that was that left those sunglasses; I know that those have a lot of value to whoever left them and to you."

"They were a special gift from me. She never was seen without them on before. It's a trademark of hers; you see those before you actually see her and you'll know DJ Pon3 is on stage," Octavia nodded slowly, sniffling slightly.

No idea who that is or what that has to do with a stage. Obviously a DJ. That's her friend though, I can figure that much. I'm sure these two will reconcile soon. But I better book it! Can't rush her or I'll seem obvious though…

"Give her a chance the next time you see her." Octavia looked up at him, a look of surprise on her face before it cracked into a gentle smile, "I think I can do that. And the other favor?"

Rick looked back through the window, the color further defecting from his cheeks, "Do not tell any other living soul, no matter the circumstances, about me!"

Octavia quirked an eyebrow and was about to ask just why he was so secretive about it when he suddenly yelped and dashed out of the house.

Twilight jumped at the sound of a door crash and found the human-imposter running from Octavia's house. For a moment, she was torn to follow him and checking up on her friend. She chose to check on Octavia first, "Octavia!"

Octavia stepped out of her house, thoroughly confused as to what about Princess Twilight Sparkle was so terrifying to the Nord? "Yes, Princess?"

Twilight ran over to Octavia then stopped when she was close enough to talk normally without having to scream across Ponyville, "Are you alright? That human didn't hurt you did he?"

"Perfectly fine. That No—Human was extremely well-behaved. Why? Is there something wrong?" Octavia asked cautiously.

"It's not human." Believe me, Octavia thought with a mental scoff, I know that personally. "And he might be a threat if not properly evaluated."

"Don't you think that's a little over the top? I mean, sure, he may unidentified and we don't know from where he hails, but to assume he's hostile?"

Twilight shook her head, "I tried to grab him earlier today, but my magic backlashed when it made contact with him. I had a mental flash of another human in strange clothing that was smiling!"

Octavia continued to smile internally; sure, normal humans don't smile, but Rick wasn't human after all, "Oh dearest me, a human that smiles! We must contact the Royal Guard before we all perish from common courtesy," Octavia deadpanned, giving Twilight an incredulous look.

Twilight's ears splayed backward and she blushed bright red, hearing just how ridiculous she was being. Maybe she was going a little overboard with how she reacted, "Maybe, I'll just track him down and observe him."

"You do that. Have a nice day, Princess Twilight," Octavia smiled and half-bowed.

"Please," Twilight smiled back and returned the bow, "You don't have to do that; we're friends after all."

"Sure," Octavia responded then gently closed the door giving Twilight a final wave. After the door closed, Twilight slowly spun in place to look around, hoping to find the human. Instead, she found something that could help her.

With a triumphant grin, Twilight moved forward slowly, inhaled and called up to the cloud floating overhead, "Rainbow Dash!"

A snort came from the cloud and a lazy "what" was groaned from it as well. "Rainbow Dash! Could I talk to you please?"

From the cloud in the sky (Because where else would clouds be?) a shock of rainbow colored hair attached to a blue pony's head raised up. A pair of blue furred arms raised high over its head as it yawned and stretched. "Twilight?" the blue pony mumbled and looked around groggily.

Giggling to herself, Twilight stretched her wings and took to the sky, flapping her way to Rainbow. "Good Afternoon, Sleepy Head!"

Rainbow turned her head to Twilight, her intense, pink eyes still partially lidded from sleep, but she still smiled warmly nonetheless, "Heya Twilight! What's up?" Rainbow yawned again, repeating her stretch.

Carefully, Twilight set down on the cloud, "I was wondering if you could help me with something."

Rainbow plunged her head into the cloud and shook it vigorously, raising it back up after a moment with a gasp. Beads of water clung to her fur, matted her mane, and the sleep in her eyes was scrubbed away. She was now thoroughly awake, "Sure! Whatcha need?" Rainbow smiled, an energetic aura bursting from her body as her wings unfurled from her body.

"There's a strange human in town. I want to check him out and make sure he's not gonna hurt anypony if left on his own."

"Hmm? A strange human? What's so strange about him? All humans look the same to me," Rainbow said.

"His skin is a lot smoother and lighter, along with his hair and eyes," Twilight explained.

"Oh! You mean that kind of 'check out'!" Rainbow grinned and waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Ugh, No, Rainbow," Twilight groaned, "Its not that that's strange; he could speak!"

"Whoa!" Rainbow smiled widely, clearly awed, "Awesome! Where is he at!?"

"I don't know, but that's why I needed your help," Twilight said.

"Sure! Just tell me where you last saw him running," Rainbow trotted over to the edge of the cloud and peered over, scanning for the human in discussion.

"That way," Twilight pointed.

Rainbow followed her hoof and scanned the general area, immediately spotting a moving shadow, darting from house to house, like it was trying to hide, "Aye aye, Captain," Rainbow whooped before jumping off the cloud, spreading her wings wide and gliding toward the human.

On the ground, Rick slid behind a tree, poked his head out to scan around for the horned pegasus…winged unicorn… the Purple It! He didn't see her around, and jumped to cover behind a house with a window garden. He repeated the same searching pattern when her heard a whooping cheer from the sky.

With a wary gaze, Rick looked up and saw a rainbow flying right at him! He jumped in surprise and bolted, forsaking stealth and just fuck all!

"Hey! Come back here! Twilight wants to talk to ya!" Twilight!? Bitch! She ratchet! Ain't no way Imma stick around for that crazy! Not by the hair of my freshly shaved chin!

Rick continued to run, dodging through ponies as he came into a forest. There was a sign just before he ran in declaring "Welcome to Whitetail Woods!" Just behind him, he heard the flapping of wings growing in intensity and a whistling of air as the pegasus violently ripped the air apart with her aerodynamic passage.

Listening intently while keeping a dead sprint, Rick timed a stunt to shake his pursuer. "Almost," he heard the pegasus whisper, "Gotch-Wha!?" Just as she closed in, Rick ran straight into a tree, hopped, planted the sole of his foot into it… and ran up the tree five steps, grabbing the lowest hanging branch and scrambling onto it.

Just below him, he saw the pegasus double back after making an accidental, huge, over-taking flight. She didn't fly up to meet him though, and just plopped onto the ground, her haunches firmly planted and her jaw wide open in amazement.

"How in the buck did you do that!?" She whispered in awe. Truthfully, Rick had never made it past three full steps before and had to launch on the fourth step or risk falling back down. He had run a full five steps and didn't even use the Last Step Launch! Adrenaline must be a hell of a drug…

With careful and calm flaps, Rainbow slowly ascended to the human, hoping to not scare him off, "Hey, buddy. I'm not gonna hurt you," Rainbow cooed affectionately.

Remaining tense and ready to continue his run, Rick pivoted slightly, turning for a better launch angle should things turn fast on feet and wings again

"Where you from, big guy?" Rainbow asked, a small smile on her face and an almost expectant look.

Rick cocked his head to the side, imitating a clueless animal when approached by a strange creature, but he kept his muscles ready to fire.

"You got an owner? You're wearing a robe thing so you should have an owner. Maybe Zecora? That looks like something she would have and your something she might have too," Rainbow continued. Still keeping up acting like an animal, albeit a very well-trained one, Rick visibly twitched when he heard Zecora's name.

"So Zecora is your owner, huh? Want me to take you back to her?" Rainbow asked as if she was talking to another pony. Rick didn't answer, and Rainbow sat there staring at him for a few seconds, that same expectant look on her face.

"Hey, what gives? I thought you could talk," Rainbow flapped a little closer, leaning in to examine Rick closer. He didn't giver her that opportunity and stepped backward, maintaining the distance between themselves. "Hey, I already said I'm not gonna hurt you, boy, just come down and I'll take you to Twilight."

Nope, nope, and that other word that sounds like nope… Nope! Rick jumped off the tree when Rainbow made another advance. Rainbow gasped when she saw Rick make the jump, assuming that the height would cause him harm.

Normally, with how high the two were, the fall would maybe sprain the ankles and cause some knee damage if the jumper wasn't trained… But this was Rick we're talking about. He landed on the balls of his feet, absorbed the shock on his heels, then rolled off the excess pressure with a Skill Tumble.

Another dropped jaw to mark for this story for Rainbow balking at the unexpected acrobatic ability of this strange human.

Rick gave her a backwards glance then sprinted from his crouched position, springing off the ground expertly.

Rainbow quickly recovered and made chase once more, mildly excited at the prospect of a race of sorts. This human, as agile and as strange as he is shouldn't be much faster than any other human she's ever had to chase after. But, Rick's sprinting style was much more ergonomically correct and efficient, allowing him to almost quadruple the normal human's speed!

"How in the buck are you this fast!" Rainbow cursed, flapping her hardest to just start gaining on him.

Internally, Rick smirked and thanked the three years of track in middle school. The martial arts and marathon running helped with his endurance after that.

Deftly and precisely, Rick and Rainbow wove through the trees, hurdled bushes, knee-slid under branches, and vaulted off the few trail bars that were scattered around. Very quickly, Rainbow found herself enjoying herself, despite how difficult it was for her to actually reach him. To be presented with a challenge like this after so long was amazing!

After another fifteen minutes of running, they reached the other end of Whitetail woods, back into view of Ponyville. Scanning around quickly, Rick found himself in a park, where numerous ponies stopped to watch the duo running about.

They saw a human stutter-step, jerk in different directions, and jumping over a blue pegasus who zig-zagged, dipped, and step-and-flapped after him. It was very confusing to see out of context and highly amusing.

However, as deft and cunning as he was, Rick knew that without many obstacles to impede his pursuer, it was only a matter of time before he was caught. On that thought, Rick suddenly changed direction, dove over a bench that had a cream-colored mare and mint-green mare sitting together, and watched as Rainbow sailed overhead, just short of grabbing his heels.

Smirking visibly before he could stop himself, he stood up and stared at the two mares before him. One was sitting normally while the other was… It looked off for her, it really did, but she was sitting like you would imagine your typical human couch potato who probably spent their Saturday morning watching cartoons… Including the beer belly but it was safe to assume that these confounded ponies didn't drink.

They watched him with curious stares before Rick smoothed his face over, hoping to God that they didn't see his smirk. It would seem they didn't because they didn't do much more than give him that stare that just screamed, "Can I fucking help you?"

Not giving them a second glance, Rick continued running, listening for Rainbow's progress, as he made a mad dash to Ponyville proper. It took a second, but he finally heard that familiar feather flap, that flap that declared a certain pegasus was about to get their hooves around their human target. "You're just making this harder on yourself, boy!" Rainbow called in singsong.

Hidden to Rainbow, Rick shook his head slightly, grinning to himself, I'm having too much fun to really care! The little voice in his head sang back.

Twice more, Rick evaded Rainbow's grabs, jumping to the right to dodge her as she finally caught up, than Leap-Frogging her as she U-Turned to try to nab him again. Rainbow laughed loudly at the Lea-Frog, completely not expecting the childish maneuver, but it definitely tripped her up.

I like this human, Rainbow thought, Maybe, if he does belong to Zecora, she'll let me play around with him some more! The two ran into the first line of houses that made up the more residential part of Ponyville, weaving through alleyways, main streets, the odd stall here and there, because of the tighter spaces, both pursuer and pursuant had to slow down significantly, but their speeds were still impressive.

Rick began to finally feel his heart speed up as the taxes for oxygen in his body began to increase and those damned Hippie Cells started protesting against Taxation without proper Representation. He was in a Life and Death situation for crying out loud! But since his brain was an awesome President of Body, their pleas were heard and new plans were passed and put into action.

Slowing his pacing, ever so slightly, he put on a show for Rainbow that showed a fake fatigue beginning to slow him down.

"Now I gotcha!" Rainbow put on a sudden burst of speed, forsaking the extra caution for what she believed was a sure grab.

And to the victor of this round, Rick rises triumphant, proud, and like a sneaky, little bastard. Just as he heard her wings pull on the air as viciously as they did, he launched himself sideways, lifting both feet to run along the wall on his right. He made two steps than jumped forward… planting a foot against the wall that Rainbow hadn't seen Rick running at. Rainbow gasped in surprise and slammed into the wall with a smack just as Rick vaulted off the wall she hit, effectively turning about face and running back a ways before vanishing behind a corner.

With a groan, Rainbow slid off the wall as Gravity reminded her that she was still playing by his rules. With a soft thud, Rainbow hit the ground, legs splayed out and her head bobbing about as her eyes rolled in their sockets. She took a moment to count the three birds flying laps around her head, then shook them away, "Damn, that hurt."

With a grunt, Rainbow pulled her feet back under her and pushed back up into a standing position; orthodox stance for textbook walking. She looked to her left down the alley where the human may have continued, but she could have sworn that he somehow got behind her and went backward a bit. How the buck a human learned to do that, Rainbow couldn't even fathom. The only concern in her mind right now was that she was just outmaneuvered… by a human!

"Oh boy, I cannot let the Wonderbolts hear about that one; I'll never hear the end of it," Rainbow groaned, shaking her head in disappointment.

Rick slid around another corner, than rolled into a fairly narrow alley way, crouching down behind a couple of bales of hay to catch his breath. That pegasus just didn't wanna give it up! Was it really all that bad that a human learned a new damned trick? According to the Purple It, a human who can mimic words was the reason the Pony-pocalypse happened.

Feeling his heart finally slow to a more proper BPM, Rick sighed and allowed his mind to catch up on the paths he ran, mapping the whole area to the best of his photographic memory. You damned hippies in my body, demanding lesser Oxygen Taxes. You're all the reason why I hate Mondays! Rick internally screamed. Of course, he was trying to make himself laugh… It wasn't funny at all though.

Overhead, something whooshed, and the tell-tale feathery gusts of wind alerted the senses of a nearby pegasus. Looking up, Rick saw the Purple It flying about, scanning the ground beneath her. "Rainbow? Where'd you go?"

Rick watched her carefully, waiting for her to vanish from view, then began to slink away, like a shadow in broad daylight, never to be seen for the next hour or so.

"Rainbow?" Twilight called again, just a hint of concern in her tone for her friend. She continued to cruise over the neighborhood, swearing that she saw the two running in this direction just after she followed them out of Whitetail.

Making another sweep overhead, Twilight inhaled to call again when she familiar rainbow of Rainbow's rainbow mane. Smiling, Twilight tucked her wings in and dipped down, diving to her friend's side, "Rainbow!"

"Huh? Oh, hey, Twi. You happened to see where the human went?" Rainbow smiled back then continued looking around.

"No. You lost track of him?" Twilight asked, a confused scowl on her face, Nothing loses Rainbow Dash in a chase! He's definitely not human, Twilight thought.

"Only for a moment. He did this weird… thing… with the wall and I wound up flying straight into it!"

"A thing? Like, what did he do?"

"Well, it looked like… he ran on it… then bounced off the wall I hit while going over me," Rainbow tried to explain, her face twisting up in contemplation.

"Ran on it? How do you 'run' on a wall? That's not physically possible, Rainbow," Twilight scoffed.

Rainbow shot her a sideways glare, "I'm just telling you what I saw, Egghead, and it happened whether you believe it or not."

"Well, regardless of what the human imposter did, we still have to track him down again; there's no telling what might happen if he just runs about on his own," Twilight spread her wings and took back to the sky, Rainbow following her up just a moment later. "He might just take a dump or take a leak somewhere without somepony to clean it up, that's not too horrible, Twilight."

Twilight's ear twitched. That was most definitely not one of her concerns. "I'm concerned for this human because of his strange appearance, mannerisms, and ability to speak."

"About that," Rainbow spoke up, scanning the ground as they flew along, "You said he could talk, but he didn't even try to when I started talking to him."

"He won't give himself away again after blowing his cover the first time," Twilight explained, "He tried to mask it as a response to a 'speak' command, but I'm not too sure if that would work again."

"Why not?" Rainbow asked, not quite understanding Twilight's reasoning.

"Because," Twilight began, "Humans don't have very expressive eyes or facial features. When I confronted him, I saw fear."

Rick sneezed, then looked up into the clouds, trying to find the source of whatever the hell caused his third damn sneeze. He didn't have any allergies from what he was aware of, and there was nothing particularly allergenic within his immediate vicinity.

Continuing his predatory stalking of invisible and non-existent prey, Rink moved around Ponyville, carefully navigating his way to Sweet Apple Acres, being as invisible as the second child in a nuclear typical family. I'm burning in Hell for thinking that seeing as how I was the second child…

Just almost reaching the final stretch to whoever this mediator was that Pinkie claimed resided in this jungle of apples, a very familiar sound assailed his ears. The sound of a demon, relentlessly tearing apart atmospheric pressure in a aerodynamic flux of pressure and lift to achieve flight. In short, a goddamned, motherfucking, titty-juggling, shit-munching, cunt-burger pegasus.

"Found you, faker!" The Purple It's voice rang out, faint and distant.

Oh, okay it's just the Purple It and not Rainbow, for a second I was a little worrie—SHIT!!! Rick yelped as his brain actually registered who had found him, and he made a mad dash to the orchard. He hoped that amongst the trees he could lose his pursuers once again.

"You're not getting away from me this time!" Ah, so Rainbow is with her, that's good then. I thought maybe she wasn—Godammit, Needless to say, Rick was going to accept that challenge and get away from her.

Feet beat the ground relentlessly while wings abused its sister, Wind, just as equally as both parties tried to outpace the other. Rick had just passed the large sign that signified to all, very proudly, that this was, indeed, Sweet Apple Acres, and began to formulate potential plans and motions to lose Purple It and Rainbow.

"I'm gonna fly over the tree line so I can monitor his motions, you stay on him, all right?" Twilight called to Rainbow just before pulling up.

"Roger that!" Rainbow called back, pulling further ahead to stay on the humans heels. I'm gonna watch him carefully this time; I have got to see how he lost me the first time, Rainbow mentally declared.

At breakneck speeds, Rick wove through the orchards, kicking up dust and leaves behind him. Rainbow followed closely, trying to just keep pace with him, not trying to overtake him so that she could watch him. Overall, it didn't seem like either of the two were actually really trying.

Then, Rick decided to pull his pursuer closer again; he deepened his breathing and exhaled in shallow bursts, imitating fatigue without accidentally hyperventilating. Rainbow narrowed her eyes, suspicious of this similar action to the first time she lost him. Keeping it cautious, Rainbow only slightly picked up her pace, closing in on her target inches at a time.

Hearing the distance of Rainbow's flaps on his position, Rick monitored her distance, weaving through more trees and keeping up his faux-fatigue. Listening intently, he timed another acrobatic stunt just as she was about to reach grabbing distance.

At this time, Rainbow itched to just dash forward and snatch him, but she knew that was probably what he wanted. Rainbow may not be the brightest of her friends, but she was not easily duped with the same trick twice. She closed in the last few inches that were key for a grab when the human made his move.

Stepping further to the right than normal in a typical stride, Rick primed his jump. After his weight shifted, he threw it back to the left and jumped with it. Flying through the air, Rick eyed the tree he aimed at and crouched his leg tight to his body. Just below him, Rainbow's eyes widened and she smiled a very open smile. Once Rick's foot touched the tree, he kicked off of it and kicked out with the other, changing his direction with minimal loss to his speed and at a much steeper angle than normally achieved.

Now that was awesome, cool, and radical, all in one move, Rainbow admired. But this time, she was able to flare her wings, loop on a dime, and change direction almost as fast as Rick without losing that much more speed than Rick did.

Chancing a backwards glance, Rick was surprised to see the stubborn flyer still behind him. Albeit not as close as previously, but still nowhere near where Rick had planned to lose her at. Cursing silently, Rick leaned forward and continued running, dropping his act with the breathing.

"Rainbow!?" The Purple It called from above, "I lost you guys, where'd you go?"

"4 o'clock from your West!" Rainbow called back. Twilight faced the west and turned the proper angle, immediately spotting the blur of human skin and blue fur underneath the tree tops.

Panting slightly, Twilight spun in the air and flapped after them, Darn these two and their athleticism, Twilight protested, You'd think with how often I'm required to run and fly for the sake of Equestria I'd at least consider more cardio.

While Twilight had her mental rant I the air, Rainbow was on the ground, greatly enjoying her self in this challenging chase. Rick, on the other hand, was actually getting irritated at just how obstinate his pursuers are.

You know, Rick's internal Ass started, This could have all been avoided if you hadn't spoken to try and read a few books.

Shut up, Rick spat back at himself, That information could have proven priceless for the next two years.

Afr that mentally disturbing back-and-forth, Rick became aware of a pant from behind him. Risking another backward glance, he saw Rainbow's mouth begin to open and her breathing begin to shorten. Looking back forward, Rick grinned, finally seeing where he could finally stop this cursed race to the death.

Taking longer strides, Rick lowered himself slightly, tensing the muscles in his gluts and thighs, priming the natural springs within.

From behind, Rainbow watched with a curious expression, never before seeing a human run in that strange position before. She didn't have much time to contemplate, however, because in the next instant, Rick launched himself straight up, flinging his arms up and over his head, and latch onto a low-hanging branch of an apple tree.

Gasping loudly at the strange feat, Rainbow lost track of her forward path. Rick firmly grabbed the branch, then threw his legs forward and up, swinging the rest of his body in a sort of flip to throw his hips on top of the branch, allowing him to stand up on it. Forgetting about her flight path and mesmerized by the strange action, Rainbow slammed into another tree that Rick had been running at.

Hello, Tree Bark, my old friend, Rainbow dumbly murmured in her head before flopping backward after bouncing off the tree. Rainbow's head spun and whirled, more birds flew over her head, but she suddenly felt pretty tired. A quick nap won't hurt anypony, Rainbow thought before slipping into unconsciousness.

From his hidden and shadowy perch in the tree, Rick winced when he heard the sickening crack of pony skull and tree trunk attempt a mating routine. Looking down, Rick saw Rainbow flop backward and fall unconscious. He hoped she was going to be alright, but with Purple It hovering over the trees, he didn't dare go to check. Fortunately, Purple It flew down, calling out to the downed pegasus with concern ruling her tone.

"Rainbow Dash! Are you alright!?" Twilight landed beside Rainbow and began nuzzling her face in an attempt to wake her.

Rainbow lazily slurred something under her breath and rolled away from whatever was trying to wake her up.

"Rainbow Dash," Twilight deadpanned, seeing her friend was perfectly fine and no longer in need for concern. She planted both her hooves on Rainbow's shoulder and shook her like a margarita mixer.

Flying up into a sitting position, Rainbow darted her head back in forth, "Huh!? What!? What happened!?"

"That's what I wanted to ask you! But more importantly: Are you alright?" Twilight sat on her haunches, watching the pegasus turn to her, a confused scowl on her face.

"I'm fine, but where'd the human go!? I just had him!" Rainbow groaned.

"Apparently not. I lost track of him just before I heard you slam into that tree."

Rainbow let out an irritated growl, "Okay, when I get my hooves on that human, I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind." I am so not friends with that stupid human.

The two ponies scanned around the immediate area, traded a few words, than stalked off in opposite directions. From his position in the trees above, Rick carefully followed their progress, silently walking along on the branches on all fours like some abomination of a panther-human hybrid being. Whenever a breeze came through the leaves, he timed a gentle jump to an adjacent tree branch, continuing his silent stalking of Purple It.

Twilight trotted through the orchard, eyes shifting positions constantly to try and find the imposter. So far, he had eluded the fastest pegasus she knew, twice, and was somehow immune to magic. Or at least, telekinetic based magic. Whoever, or whatever, this thing was, is proving to be a nuisance.

The breeze rustling through the leaves, caught Twilight's attention, adding more to her frustrations as the extra ambience made it harder to track the tricky human. Twilight's ear's twitched, hearing a creaking in the branches above.

Rick silently cursed to himself, lying prone against his current branch as he misjudged the timing and length of the breeze. It was a tiny misjudgment, something that normal attention spans would dismiss without a second thought. The Purple It was a different story, and he assumed that little creak would probably catch her attention.

Casting her gaze around the trees, Twilight spun in place, slowly, searching for the source of the creak. It had happened a full quarter second after the breeze ended, indicating that the noise was caused by another, external force.

Eyes narrowed, Twilight moved toward where she thought the noise came from. Rick silently shifted his head, watching Purple It get closer to his hiding position. She hadn't looked up yet, so he was still marginally safe, but that was bound to end soon.

Twilight carefully approached the tree trunk, careful to not make too much noise that would alert the human if he was indeed hiding here. Once she was pressed up against the bark, Twilight inhaled silently, tensed her legs, then hopped out, jumping behind the tree, "Gotcha!" To her disappointment, there was a substantial lack of human.

Grunting in exasperation, Twilight turned and gave the tree a vicious kick with her back hooves before trudging forward, a glum expression on her face. Then, something cracked above her. Twilight yelped and looked back, hoping she didn't somehow damage one of Applejack's trees. What actually happened next was startling and highly amusing to anyone who saw it from an outside perspective.

Rick shouted in surprise as the branch he was on suddenly snapped, tipped forward and spilled him onto the ground. He fell forward head first, face planting against the dirt. Rick laid there, groaning in pain, in a Planking position.

"You alright?" He heard the Purple It ask, but not as concerned as she should be.

Slowly, Rick pushed himself onto his knees, rubbing his head where a lump was forming. His nostrils began to drip red and a gash had spawned over the right side of his mouth.

"You know, you could have avoided a lot of this if you just told me who you were," Purple It said sternly. Rick just eyed her out of the corner of his vision, vainly keeping up a lame human's visage.

"Why won't you just tell us? Are you an enemy to Equestria? Is that it?" Purple It's horn began to glow, her face turning serious. Rick jumped at the sight of the glow and scooted backward a step, his back pressing up against the tree. "Because, if that's the case, it's my job as a Princess to detain you and prevent you from causing any harm."

Princess!? Rick visibly blanched at hearing her title, and for some reason, felt an overpowering need to bow. He didn't act on it, but his brain let out a pinch-plan that might just change the game a little. Closing his eyes, Rick bowed his head low, stunning Princess Purple It.

He hoped she would assume he was a friendly if he acknowledged her position. Sure, making a motion like that gave away his mental capacity, but she was already pretty set on him being abnormally intelligent, so it seemed fitting to at least reveal that, while shutting down any beliefs that he was a threat.

However, Fate decided that she was going to be a bitch today. From above, the branch that had broken, snapped again, causing both Twilight and Rick to look up. Everything slowed as the branch came free and began falling…

…Right towards Twilight.

With a split second decision, Rick jumped forward, grasped Princess Purple It and folded his body over hers. The branch continued to fall, Rick tensed, awaiting the heavy and painful thud of the wood to impact his back…but it never came. Rick cracked an eye open, then both eyes flew open; he was pressing his bloodied nose against Princess Purple It's muzzle. He threw himself backward, completely forgetting about the branch when he saw just what kind of compromising position he was in over the Princess.

Both her legs had been wrapped around his waist, which she now properly closed, and her arms were caught over his shoulders. Twilight sat up, blushing bright red and trying to avoid Rick's gaze. She wiped Rick's blood off her muzzle then glanced up. Rick followed her gaze and saw the hulking branch floating in the same purple hue that Purple It's horn was glowing.

Rick looked back down to Purple It and found she was giving him a very incredulous, red-faced stare, "That was highly unnecessary and inefficient, but your thought was appreciated. Don't jump me like that next time."

Now, Rick knew that he shouldn't speak, knew that this was a very touchy situation, knew that Purple It was out to get him, and knew that being an ass was going to get him in trouble. But the way she looked at him, her being a princess, the situation, the lack of gratitude, and the set-up were all too perfect; he just had to take it. He HAD to!

Rick inhaled deeply, shot Twilight a rude look, and… , "Well, Ex-cuuuuuu-se me, Princess!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Hi," Rick said.

Twilight's eyes rolled up into her head, she put on a huge dopey smile and swayed back and forth, muttering something or another about never being tardy, then fell over, twitching periodically.

Rick stared at her, making sure she was fine for the moment before getting up and glancing about in concern. Should I hide the body? Were there any witnesses? Should I even care? The answer to all that: NNoope!

In a puff of dust, kicked up from his feet, Rick darted off, heading deeper into the orchard. His senses remained on high alert for the blue, flying demon that wanted him for some disturbing reason, but he didn't hear her anywhere nearby.

Rainbow trotted around the orchard, ears swiveling back and forth, hoping to catch the human sometime soon. At first, the chasing was pretty fun, but seeing as how the human kept dodging her, outsmarting her, and just managing to stay a tad faster than her every step of the way, she grew very frustrated and irritated.

Somewhere in the orchard, from back where she left Twilight behind, she heard the sound of wood breaking, and a shout. It wasn't Twilight's shout, though, it sounded like a stallion's, so maybe it was the human's? Rainbow grinned, thinking that Twilight actually got the human.

Letting out a few chuckles of satisfaction, Rainbow turned around and began heading back to Twilight, "Gotta give the Egghead credit; she sure can pull through at the best times."

For the whole trot back, Rainbow smiled, running through multiple scenarios of her rubbing the human's capture in his face. She was going to maybe keep bouncing on him, telling him that she'll stop if he says so, then ask to talk about just how exactly he wound up caught by Twilight. Then maybe she'd go into a spiel about just how un-athletic Twilight is and out of anypony to catch him, she was the one to do it.

Rainbow faltered in her steps, Okay, maybe I wouldn't out Twilight about that. That's a cornhole thing to do. But I still gotta make him feel bad somehow. She continued on, thinking of more crazy things.

Once Rainbow had finally decided on how just to do that, which was hogtying him, strapping him inside a wagon, and flying around with him in tow while she made him bounce of everything to mimic how he made her do, she came across Twilight's prostrate form.

"Twilight!" Rainbow cried out and ran to her. There was a huge branch lying right next to her, "Oh, you are in for some serious hurt now, bastard," Rainbow growled, assuming another conclusion about the branch's position relative to Twilight's, "Hurting me with outmaneuvering is one thing, but to bash one of my best friends in the skull with a bucking club is another thing."

After her promise for revenge, Rainbow put her hooves on Twilight, gently rocking her, "Twilight? Come on, time to get up."

Twilight groaned and twitched, eyes fluttering open, "Rainbow? What hap—Oh, my head!" Twilight winced and put a hoof to the side of her head.

"Take it easy, Twilight, that stupid human bashed your head in with a tree branch," Rainbow growled in disgust.

"He did what?" Twilight gasped, her memory of the past events completely abandoning her, "Sheesh, I told you he was hazardous, Rainbow."

"Yeah, yeah, I know that now. Listen, you just chill out right here, and I'm gonna run that bucker down," Rainbow turned around and spread her wings, ready to take off before Twilight called out to her, "Please be careful."

Rainbow shot her a grin over her shoulder and took off, leaving behind a rainbow trail blazer in her path.

Tactically swapping trees, Rick darted in and out, keeping to the shadows and remaining under the thickest branches, hoping that Rainbow, if she decided to take to the skies, wouldn't see him. However, regarding the way Rick's luck had been playing out the entirety of the time he's been in this Planet of the Horses world, he would not be the slightest bit surprised if she did pop outta nowhere to capture him.

After another Swat Switch between trees, Rick heard something whistle overhead at an alarming speed. The trees rustled in its wake, whatever caused it, and leaves fluttered to the ground, knocked free from their branches.

Rick stopped his movements, listening to the feathery flaps fading into the distance. He couldn't discern who they belonged to, but it didn't really matter since all airborne creatures he was currently acquainted with were marginally hostile. When it seemed like they were getting ready to completely fade away into the distance, he heard the wings flap once, then the sound came back, a little skewed to their original path over Rick's head.

Whoever is up there is just zig-zagging. It has to be Rainbow then; Princess Purple It is more intelligent about her controlled search patterns, Rick thought to himself, listening to the wings fade away again, flap once, then grow stronger as Rainbow turned about in the air.

Waiting for one more pass, Rick darted out from the trees again, timing his motions for the apexes of Rainbow's u-turns. Once more, his movements became regular, and he was making substantial progress through the orchard.

Twenty minutes passed by before Rick was forced to stop. "You reckon she's lookin' for us?"

"Nope." A female voice spoke first, answered by a very deep male's, both of which with a southern drawl.

"Wonder what she's doin' then. Should I ask her?"

"Eeyup."

"If you say so, Big Mac." Rick turned around one more tree and saw the owners of the voices. There was an orange pony, unarmed of either wing or horn, standing beside a much larger red pony who was just as unarmed.

Rick had to stifle a laugh as he saw the orange pony's attire; atop her head was a brown Stetson hat and her mane and tail were tied off in ribbons at their ends. Now we have Cowboy ponies working on a farm, este mundo es demasiado! The other pony had a harness around his neck, but at least that was to be expected on a farm hor—er, pony.

"Rainbow Dash!" the orange cowpoke called out.

Rick counted the seconds before he heard the flapping of wings zero in on their positions and the clops of hooves hitting the ground, "Hey, Applejack, what's up?"

Applejack, huh? Wonder if this world even has that kinda hard liquor in it, Rick thought.

"Just a might curious as to why you're zippin' about my trees, is all," Applejack explained.

"I'm looking for a human. He's a bit dangerous so me and Twilight—"

"Twilight and I," Big Mac interjected. Rainbow shot him a confused glance before continuing, "Twilight and I have been trying to capture him, but he's pretty tricky."

"How's he dangerous? Humans don't typically attack outta the blue, RD. Trust me; since I breed 'em, I would know." Applejack said.

Breed Humans? What the fu—"Trust me, AJ, this human already made me slam into a couple of things—"

"You do that on a regular basis already," Applejack sneered earning her a glare from Rainbow. "As I was saying; I've slammed into a couple things and he beat Twilight over the head with a tree branch."

"He what now!?" Uh oh, she sounds pissed.

"Ya heard me, and that's why we're trying to catch him!"

"Aw, hay no! Ain't no good-for-nothin' human gonna beat up on my friends, right Big Mac?"

"Nope," Uh oh, he definitely sounds pissed. Maybe this isn't a very friendly place for a human to be after all.

During his mental statement, the trio of ponies dashed off, heading back into the orchard. For the moment, Rick was safe, but right now, he should probably get out of this damned forest of apple trees. Acting on that plan, Rick sprinted away in the opposite direction the ponies headed, minimalizing his mental mapping in order to focus on his hearing should the man-hunters suddenly near his position.

Rick ran a good while before he came across yet another surprise development. Now, seeing as how he was not at all familiar with this world, he really shouldn't be surprised so easily, seeing as everything should just be accepted as new and unexplored. But what made this surprising was that it was neither a new thing to him, or unfamiliar.

Amongst a small clearing of trees, there was a lone tree, harboring within it, a tree house.

Advancing carefully and stealth-fully, Rick made his way to the tree house, ears alert for any sound above him and in the tree house. There was a slight shuffle coming from the tree house, so Rick decided to just leave it be and turned around.

"Dagnabbit, I hope Applejack comes around soon," a little girl's voice came from the house.

Rick paused, noting the familiar southern drawl, and assumed it was Applejack's sister in the house.

"Hopefully. My head's starting to hurt from being upside down for so long," another girl's voice murmured.

Upside down? "Girls, I'm not feeling so good," a third voice announced, also a little girl's.

"Scootaloo? What's wrong," the southern drawl.

There wasn't a response.

"Scootaloo!?" the other voice, not Scootaloo's, asked, concern heavy in her voice.

Rick had a feeling of dread begin to settle over him, "Applebloom! Scootaloo's not opening her eyes!"

Rick jumped up and scampered to the tree peering through a small window in the side of the house, concerned for this Scootaloo. Inside the tree was a complete mess! Scattered furniture and wrappings of food and candy, mixed along with discarded jars and plastic bags. There was also a strange pink substance splattered everywhere, a concentrated wad in the center of the floor, presumably from the origin of the pink-splosion.

What had most caught Rick's eyes, was a trio of tiny ponies, stuck to the roof, each at different angles. A yellow one with a bright red bow in her mane, stuck belly-up, a white unicorn with a two-toned puple/pink mane, haunches firmly stuck against the roof, her head hanging toward the ground. And finally, a sight that caused Rick's eyes to widen in horror, was an orange, purple-maned pegasus. She was twisted and unable to move, her left foreleg crossed under her chin, probably pressed against her throat. Her barrel was glued to the roof on her right side whereas her head was glued on the left.

Forsaking his lame human image, Rick charged around to the other side of the tree house, grabbed the door knob leading within, and practically ripped the door from its hinges.

The two conscious fillies turned to Rick, eyes wide in surprise and mouths open. Up until the human's strange entrance, the girls were trying desperately to free themselves and help their friend. The gum that they had tried to make not giving up on its hold over them.

Knowing that time was extremely precious, Rick carefully navigated the pink covered floor as quickly as he could, avoiding the substance for fear of getting stuck and losing the few seconds he had to save the endangered foal.

"Please, somepony help!" the white unicorn began screaming desperately. Rick didn't know if she was scared of him, or simply pleading for additional assistance, preferably from pony origins.

Once he finally reached the orange filly, he gently grasped her leg that was choking her, and tugged slowly. As he feared, more of the sticky substance was adhering the leg to her throat. All he could hope to do was relieve the pressure until he could properly extract her.

As gently as he could, Rick pulled on the filly, trying to see where she was mostly stuck. The other two fillies had quieted down and watched the human in confusion, noting that his movements were way too deliberate to be a normal human. After a series of gentle pulls while holding the leg off the filly's throat, Rick found that she was only stuck by her flank and shoulder.

Knowing that he couldn't get the stuff off the filly, he instead switched his attentions to the portion stuck to the ceiling itself. Quickly contemplating his next move, Rick let the leg fall back to its previous position and quickly put his hands to the two spots where the gum stuck to the ceiling and tugged. His tugging, this time, was hard and short, ripping the gum off the ceiling as quick as possible. After only a few seconds, the filly came free, no longer in danger of suffocating, but still unconscious.

"Mister?" the yellow filly asked tentatively.

"Is she alright?" the white filly asked, almost in a whimper.

Rick looked over the orange filly, seeing her breathing deepen back to where it should be. Internally he sighed with relief, glad that he got to her just in the knick of time.

After he was sure she would be alright alone, Rick turned to the other two, carefully stepping closer to them. They both tensed as he got closer, fear very apparent on their faces, "You're not gonna hurt us, are you?" the white unicorn asked.

Rick shook his head before even realizing what he just did. The two fillies gasped, Rick cursed under his breath before just saying fuck the police and spoke, "You cannot tell anypony!" He figured that him using their word would stick better than his native word would.

The fillies gasped again before shaking their heads vigorously, "We won't; CMC Honor!"

With a firm nod, Rick proceeded to pull the other two free of their bonds. The one called Applebloom was the trickiest as she managed to get the entirety of her underside covered in gum. The white filly, was just a simple tug free from her pink bondage… without the sexual connotation that phrase usually implies.

…fucking perverts.

"How the hell did you three manage to do this?" Rick grunted, barely able to work Applebloom's upper portion of her body free.

"Well, we were only trying to make some gum to get our Candy Making Cutie Marks, but I think we added to much yeast," the white one explained.

Rick stopped his ministrations, slowly turning his head over to stare at the nervously smiling filly, "Why would you put yeast in gum?"

She just shrugged in response.

Rick sighed then turned back to Applebloom. "What's your name, mister?"

"Ricardo Johnson. And you're Applebloom?" Rick answered, semi-distracted by his current attentions.

"Eeyup! And that there is Sweetie Belle," Applebloom pointed at the white filly who meekly waved, "and that there sleepy head is Scootaloo… Um, she will be okay, right?"

"She should be; there's no more pressure on her windpipe, but she might have a sore shoulder for a while," Rick pulled more of Applebloom's body free, but stopped when she yelped in pain.

"My fur's gonna look funny after this, ain't it?" Applebloom sighed after she saw a slightly thin patch of fur over her belly.

Rick laughed at her, "I think you're all gonna look funny, seeing as how you have gum stuck all over. Miraculously," Rick scanned over the fillies, "None of you got that gunk in your manes. So at least you won't have to worry about the most important hair getting mucked up."

"Small victory," Sweetie Belle grumbled, raising her foreleg to watch a piece of gum stuck within her fur.

Rick turned to offer his condolences when Scootaloo snorted and sat up, eyes closed but with her leg still stuck awkwardly across her neck. "I'm awake, dad, I just dozed off for a few…," Scootaloo yawned loudly, her jaw cracking with the intensity, before she cracked her eyes open blearily.

For several long seconds, Scootaloo just scanned the strange scene before her. There was a human, frozen in place, watching her with a curious stare, Applebloom in his hands, covered in pink stuff. At the human's feet was Sweetie Belle, idly staring at her while chewing some of the pink stuff off her arm. She remembered they were in their clubhouse, trying to make their own bubble gum, when Sweetie Belle put something in it and a huge bubble suddenly blew out of the pot they were mixing it in.

Scootaloo sat there, watching the human watching her, then turned to Sweetie Belle, then finally to Applebloom, "Yeah," Scootaloo yawned again, "Wake me when everything goes back to normal," Then Scootaloo promptly laid back down and dozed off…

You were directed to this page in Error; If problem remains Unresolved or is Recurring, Please contact your Systems Administrator. Error Code:
TheGlitchInTheMatrix

Discussions, Repercussions, and Sitting Cushions

Step 1: Put Your Best Foot More Forward.

"And that's why, girls, that investing into real estate early can be easily the most beneficial thing done whereas investing later can only be immediately gratifying," Rick collapsed his telescopic pointer and stood in front of the presentation board that proudly displayed graphs, tables, and notes.

Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo all sat before him, notepads and pencils in hoof. Scootaloo murmured the last line Rick dictated while writing it down and then stuck her hoof in the air once finished, "Yes, Scootaloo?"

"Going back to the Constitutional Amendments, particularly Article P dash One, why is there no reason to the ban on Fruit Cake, where bans on other cakes are thoroughly explained?"

"Ah, excellent question that can actually be answered with a question: Have you three ever had Fruit Cake?" The three girls looked at each other, shrugging respectively before turning back to Rick and shaking their heads, "And you're damned lucky to never be fouled by such a vile and foul tasting abomination of confectionaries."

Sweetie Belle stared at her notepad for a few seconds, scratching the side of her head with a deep look of contemplation on her face, "Sweetie Belle? Any questions, comments, or concerns?"

"Yeah, about the Nachos Delegation and the Geneva Convention?"

"What about them in particular," Rick went back through his own cards, just in case he needed reinforcement.

"The Nachos Delegation, when Jalapeños are added mid-process, why can that be grounds for Party Demerit where there's an absence for penalty for misappropriating the Guacamole?"

"There's actually two standing theories for that, both of which remain in heated discussion, to this day. I'm very happy you caught that," Rick smiled and nodded at Sweetie, who smiled proudly in return, "The most popular belief is that Jalapeños, particularly used in this scenario, are a proud garnish, meant to be enjoyed both visually and orally. To put them on the dish anytime before the last step, would be to bury their purpose, thus worthy of penalty. The Guacamole, having no real shape being a semi-liquid, is forgiven its travels along the dish. Keeping that in mind, since the guacamole can't remain in its set place, there is no penalty for placing it at any time, or in any place, as the condiment itself, remains shapeless and not easily tamed."

"I get it now. And the Geneva Convention?"

"The Geneva Conventions comprise four treaties, and three additional protocols, that establish the standards of international law for the treatment of war. In short, it was an agreement to prohibit misconduct and intentional harm of non-combatants and Prisoners of War.

Now, I know you're bringing this up in reference to a later statement that claims that 'all's fair in Love and War', am I right?" Sweetie Belle nodded, concentration evident in her expression, "Even though there are rules established, trying to tame war is like trying to tame the wind, making it blow when and where you want to. And trying to predict love is just as impossible a feat."

Rick inhaled, staring at his three students with a proud posture, "This brings up the point that while there are official rules, there are no real restraints from doing what you want, no matter who says what; there are dishonorable people out there who only care for their own end goal, willing to do anything to get it."

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle both let out long ooooh's, nodding slowly as their minds finally put the pieces together.

All throughout the lecture, however, Rick noticed that Applebloom never once put anything down on her notepad, it being empty could testify to that, and a look of pure, unbridled, intense confusion present for the entire time.

"Applebloom? You've been awfully quiet the whole time and you haven’t taken any notes. Is there something bothering you?" Rick asked, mildly concerned for the wellbeing of his student.

Applebloom cocked her head to the side, her confused scowl deepening. She glanced down at her notepad, pencil in her teeth, then over to Sweetie and Scootaloo. Her eyes darted between the two, who looked back at her with concern as well, before she looked back to Rick.

For a few seconds, no sounds could be heard until Applebloom inhaled massively, "WHAT IN SAM HELL DID I MISS AND WHAT IS GOIN' ON HERE!!??"

Rick, Sweetie, and Scootaloo all jumped at her holler, surprised at the sudden volume.

"Wait a sec," Scootaloo murmured, tapping her chin, "What were we talking about again?"

"I think it was something about Watergate?" Sweetie Belle offered.

Applebloom groaned loudly, slapping herself in her face with her hoof, dragging it down slowly, "We asked him about how he could talk. Or did y'all decide to take a one-way trip to LaLa Land?"

The disdain spoke loudly in Applebloom's tone, clearly not amused. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo looked at each other, blushing after a second when they realized the ludicrous situation they were in.

When they turned to look back at Rick, they found him idly playing with the gum-covered pot, acting as if he had no part to play in this, "You girls planning on cleaning this up?" Rick asked, trying to avoid the filly’s glares.

"Alright, Whaddya hiding," Applebloom deadpanned.

Rick sighed and looked back at the trio, "I can tell you how I can talk, but I think you'll be highly disappointed."

"Tell us!" Scootaloo chirped, seeming eager to learn the answer, despite Rick's disclaimer.

"In a nutshell: I learned!" Rick smiled happily.

As to be expected, none of the fillies were happy—not in the least bit—with that answer. Rick kept up his smile, "I did declare beforehand that you would not like the answer."

"So how long you plannin' on playin' with us?" Applebloom muttered dispassionately. Somehow, she didn't really seem pleased. Rick had no idea why, but surely it couldn't be about his totally awesome and captivating answer.

"Oh, come on! There has to be some kind of story to go with this! Maybe, you fell into some radioactive goo? A magical experiment gone wrong? Or—or what about an alien!?" Scootaloo began shooting off many a suggestion as to how Rick came to be, buzzing in her place with a large smile on her face.

"Uh, Scootaloo, I don't think any of those things are what happened," Sweetie Belle spoke up. Scootaloo stopped her antics, looking slightly defeated and shooting her friend a small stink eye. Applebloom put her hoof on her shoulder, giving her a consolatory pat, "I reckon it'd be smart just to ask him for the whole story."

Sharp, this one is, Rick muttered inside his head, giving a subtle sage nod, "Fine, you girls really wanna know?"

The fillies nodded.

"You really wanna know? It's a little… dark, and… uncomfortable," Rick warned.

"Are you really an alien? Coming to see if our planet's good enough or if the ponies here are good enough to eat?" Scootaloo asked, eyes wide and slightly quivering in her place. Sweetie Belle groaned loudly, rolling her eyes before smacking her in the back of the head, "Knock it off, Scootaloo!"

"Alright, alright, just having some fun. Didn't have to hit me," Scootaloo chuckled.

"I guess you can say that I technically am an alien," Rick began then quickly spoke again when the girls gasped, "in the sense that this world isn't my own and that I have no idea about anything here!"

"Then where'd you come from?" Sweetie asked.

"I'm not entirely sure how to answer that. I was on a planet called Earth just yesterday, but I wound up here when I let my mind out of my body," Rick answered.

"Earth? Sound's like earth ponies! Is it a planet where all the humans talk and there's only Earth ponies?" Applebloom asked.

"Yes to the humans talking, but the ponies on my planet are not like the ponies here. But to clarify something first, my kind are called Nords. To you, we look human, but we're not. Compared to this planet, we're a lot more… chaotic I guess is the best word I can think of," Rick finished.

"But how'd you get your mind out of your body if you're right here?" Scootaloo asked.

"That one's a bit trickier to answer. My mind is here, with an avatar of sorts, but my body is still back on Earth."

"Hold on, now I'm really lost," Sweetie Belle said, eyebrows furrowed as she tried to make sense of what Rick was telling them.

"How about I just tell you everything from the beginning, but again, I need you all to swear to me that you WILL NOT tell any living soul, pony, creature, whatever can talk and think on its own, about absolutely ANYTHING I'm about to tell you," Rick put on a very serious face, a glare very dominate across his features.

The girls swallowed then straightened their backs, sitting taller before speaking simultaneously, "Cross our hearts and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in our eyes."

Rick sat there, watching each of the three intensely, scanning their eyes for any possible hints of weakness that could make them blab. He was very surprised to see a very mature and steely resolve in each of the foal's eyes, dedicated to keeping his secrets.

With a heavy sigh, Rick allowed his shoulders to slouch as he leaned forward at a more relaxed posture, "It starts with an accident that happened to me, about two and a half years ago. Now, if you have any questions about anything, just ask me. Okay?"

The girls muttered their agreements, leaning forward to better hear Rick's tale. Rick opened his mouth and began the tale of his happiness to downfall, from revival to relocation and what he now planned to do…

Rick delved into his past, and explained just how exactly he was disfigured. They asked, of course, what a car was and what a semi-truck was, and he broke it down to simplistic and objective answers. He told them how he was in his own car, on his way to work, when a semi-truck driver fell asleep at the wheel, and hit him. Because he was on the opposite side of the perpendicular collision, he didn't die, but his hands were broken, his face was burned, his back broken, and his throat ripped open.

He tried as much as he can to leave some of the more graphic parts out of the story, but there was only so much he could do for a tale that was already fundamentally gruesome.

With a shaky breath, he had to pause and tell them about Stacy, and how she was the reason for him coming back to who he used to be. He explained the plan he used, and he explained how he was there now.

A sore ass was definitely worth this, Rick thought smugly to himself. Before him were three little fillies, sitting stock still as their little brains tried to take in the mental load he put on them. Applebloom managed to go the longest in maintaining her mental psyche strong enough to absorb the info. Scootaloo had been the first to give up, smoke leaking from her ears as her mind started to reboot.

All in all, however, their young minds held up far better than he predicted. Their attention spans held up for a lot longer than normal and their ability to keep the questions relevant and concise to the point where minimal explanation was needed to relay exactly what they needed.

Very impressive to Rick's standards. Perhaps, he can forge this world's first child prodigy like how Stacy wound up being. Only this time, this would be on purpose rather than accidental… or maybe Stacy was naturally just as curious as he was. It ran in the family, after all.

"Applebloom? Y'all in there?" Speaking of family, there comes Applejack now, Rick began to panic, seeing as there was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Applejack's voice also managed to reach the foals in their state of nirvana… or paralysis, either seems plausible at this point.

"Girls! We gotta hide Rick!" Applebloom started, whipping her hair back and forth.

"Where the heck can we hide a full-grown Nord!?" Sweetie Belle yelped, jumping to the door and watching Applejack getting closer to the club house.

"Guys! I got this," Scootaloo chirped before turning to Rick. "What are you—wha!?" Rick began than shouted as he was rocked backward by a surprisingly forceful head butt to the stomach. Scootaloo planted her head firmly against his abdomen forcing him against the far wall where a black board hung.

"Scoots, what are you doing?" Rick hissed silently, not wanting Applejack to know he was there.

"Applejack's right outside!" Sweetie hissed back, frantically waving her hoof for them to hurry.

"Don't move, alright?" Applebloom muttered quickly before tugging a cord that hung off the ceiling. Rick opened his mouth to retort only to be cut off by a heavy canvass unfurling above him and falling to the floor like a big screen.

From his side, it was pitch black, but he could hear the girls still scrambling about still, "Alright! The Club-Still-Clean set is covering him," Scootaloo called to Sweetie. Sweetie nodded in acknowledgement and nodded to Applebloom, giving her the all clear.

Applebloom nodded before turning to the door, "We're all here, AJ. What didja need?"

From Rick could tell, the door was cracked open to allow the sisters to talk to each other; he could hear Applejack very clearly and she sounded still slightly pissed, "What are y'all doin' in here!?"

Rick could only guess that the gum mess was a surprise to see. "Um," Applebloom began, "We tried to make gum."

"How on earth did ya manage to cover everything in this?" Applejack stepped inside, easily forcing Applebloom and Scootaloo out of the way when they tried to deny her entry, "It's all over the roof for Pete's sake!"

"And that's why we're trying to clean it up!" Applebloom tried once again to push her sister out, "But it took us a long time to get out of the stuff and we don't want have to pull your hide out of it too!"

Applejack stepped back and gave her sister a blank stare, "Are you callin' me fat?"

Rick chuckled softly, making sure not to make noise that would give him away.

"No! It's just that you're bigger than a foal! We were easy to get out, but you? No way!" Scootaloo added, quickly catching onto Applebloom's game.

"Ah, I getcha," Applebloom sagely nodded. The girls grinned and nodded, "Y'all are calling me fat!" The girls deadpanned.

"Applejack, you literally work yourself to the bone practically everyday with your trees; how could you be fat?" Sweetie Belle logically retorted.

Applejack froze for a moment, "Oh."

Really? That didn't click until it was pointed out? Definitely not the mediator Pinkie was talking about, Rick thought to himself with a sour grimace.

"Anywho," Applejack shook herself as she remembered why she came out here in the first place, "I reckon you girls should all come with me to the house. Twilight ran amuck with a wild human wondering around the orchard who likes to beat ponies over the head with tree branches."

Scootaloo giggled, Applebloom scoffed, and Sweetie Belle gasped.

"Heh, Human with a club," Scootaloo giggled.

"I don't think humans can do that," Applebloom muttered.

"He didn't hurt anyone, did he?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Twilight has a little bump on the back of her head and Rainbow—Hold up," Applejack stopped mid-sentence and narrowed her eyes at the fillies, "How'd you know it was a 'he'?"

Sweetie Belle's eyes widened, Applebloom twitched, and Scootaloo's ear's turned toward where Rick was hidden.

Oh shit, Rick thought to himself, Dammit, Sweetie! It's not entirely your fault, but still!

"You girls aren't hiding something from me, are you?" Applejack sat down, careful to avoid planting her plot in a plot of gum.

"Er, uh, N-no! Why would we be hiding something?" Sweetie Belle nervously stammered, a huge and obvious fake smile spreading across her face.

"Uh huh, and how come y'all wanted me to leave instead of helping to clean up like y'all usually do," Applejack asked.

Round Two of super fun chasing time is about to begin, the announcer in Rick's head declared. He grit his teeth and tensed his muscles, preparing for another chase.

"W-well, just look at this mess! I mean, It took forever for us to get pulled out and if you got stuck too…" Scootaloo started than withered back to silence when she realized their argument from before came out again.

"I get that; y'all told me that already," Applejack crossed her arms and eyed the three, noting their shifty stares and twitching ears. For sure signs that the girls were nervous about something and keeping something from her. This wasn't her first rodeo with these three. Then, her glance fell to the wall behind them, the only wall that seemed to be clean, and she noticed an area of the wall where the pink abruptly stopped and the wall seemed to… wrinkle a little.

Applejack's glare deepened, "So how long did it take for him to pull you out?"

Applebloom's ears fell flat against her head. Uh oh! Rick inhaled slightly, hoping no one would fall for that trap in Applejack's sentence.

Now, from where he was, he could only get the audio cues of the conversation. He couldn't see the physical nuances of the conversation so he didn't know the trap was already sprung from the physical slouch the girls all displayed. They knew they had been found out… Rick didn't.

"Alright, girls," Applejack sighed, moving aside so that the three could easily get to the door, "Let's go get this gunk off of you."

The young girls gave each other confused glances, thinking that, somehow, they got out of their crisis. Deciding that was what had, indeed, taken place, they shrugged and began walking out.

"Y'all are gonna look real funny with patches of fur missing from your coat," Applejack chuckled out loud, but even though she was eyeing the girls, her years of watching the foals have sharpened her Big Sister senses, allowing her to focus on the fake wall of the club house even though she was staring straight at the three girls.

"That's what I was afraid of," Applebloom groaned, hanging her head as she thought of the impending embarrassment.

Just as the last of their hooves left the threshold of the club house's doorway, Applejack slammed it shut, closing herself inside with the girls locked out. The girls all yelped in surprise and began trying to force their way back in, calling out to Applejack to unlock the door and to leave the back wall alone.

Ignoring the protests, Applejack walked over to where she thought there was a hiding human.

Rick, at first mentally celebrating the apparent victory the girls claimed when Applejack offered to just leave, suddenly found himself frantically looking for an out.

Door's locked, girls are all outside, heavier hoof falls indicate Applejack is inside still and full aware of where I am. Window is to her right: out of reach. Door behind Applejack: Out of reach. No hand hold or crawl spaces in the ceiling or wall: No covert relocation. Last resort is going to be—

Applejack yanked the canvass façade down, revealing Rick, crouched and blinking rapidly at the sudden light when his night vision had just started to fade in.

"There you are, ya filthy varmint," Applejack growled.

Rick just sat there, staring unblinking at Applejack, arms curled into his lap idly as if he were simply waiting for something.

"Ya know, I don't very much appreciate when ponies—or humans in this case—beat up on my friends," Applejack huffed, the heat from her breath washing over Rick's face and exposed part of his chest.

Rick jerked his head away, imitating an animal that was annoyed by their pesky owner blowing in their faces.

Applejack suddenly seemed confused by the gesture, "Wai—What? Wild humans don't do that," Applejack mused, leaning in slightly to better examine Rick.

Rick turned slightly to face her, confronting her like a stray dog carefully sniffs out a treat being handed to him. He may have seemed completely calm and lame from the outside, but if his bladder control was any weaker, even by a little smidge, Applejack would currently be standing in a puddle.

"You're a strange looking one," Applejack noted. She saw that his eyes were much brighter and less beady than a normal human’s, his skin was a lot less tanned than normal, his hair was short by human standards, and the colors on him seemed more like something you would find on either a pony… or prized human! After all, noble ponies liked to keep their humans in clothes to show off the amount of extra money they had to clothe their pets.

"Have never seen a human like you before, you're wearing clothes instead of just a collar, and very well groomed… You're a prize human, ain'cha?" Applejack scoffed, "Well I'll be. I think Twilight may have done something to scare ya and that's why you knocked her silly."

Rick internally sighed with relief, thankful that his bladder control held out, but now, he seriously had to piss. But he thought about Applejack's assessment of him and thought over his image.

According to the few who do know me, I'm apparently a lot better looking than the humans here and not typical colored. Usually rare breeds are showcased in any kind of animal show. I am wearing a robe instead of a collar and those crazy gringos at home loved to spend stupid money on stupid dressings for their pets. As for the grooming part, I personally think I could use a little TLC, but looking at the state of the other butt-ugly mo-fo's around here, I guess I am a little better off.

"You trained, fella?" Applejack asked, raising her hoof to pat Rick's knee. He jumped at the sudden contact, still trying to imitate a native human. Applejack chuckled, "Easy there, boy, I ain't gonna hurt ya, but you should come with me," Applejack gently took the hem of Rick's robe in her teeth and pulled slightly, urging Rick to follow.

Slowly, Rick stood up and allowed himself to be pulled along, "No idea how you got separated from your owner, but I'll bet they're all in a scramble lookin' for you," Applejack said.

She turned to walk back outside, releasing his robe from her teeth, but stopped when she noticed a lack of human following her. Rick hadn't made any motions to follow her after she let go.

"Heel, boy," Applejack called out.

I think I just died a little on the inside, Rick internally whined, obediently following the command and stepping close to Applejack's, ahem, backside. She doesn't have heels, so that command is a little weird.

"Just as I thought; you're trained. I'm starting to think that Twilight was just overacting like she usually does. I'm wondering what she did," Applejack muttered to herself.

With a twist of her hoof, Applejack opened the clubhouse door, unleashing the three fillies waiting outside upon herself.

"No, Applejack! Don't hurt him!" Applebloom wailed.

"He didn't do anything wrong!" Scootaloo yelled.

"He's harmless, we promise!" Sweetie Belle added.

Laughing aloud, Applejack shrugged the girls off, comforting them with small strokes through their manes.

"Now, now, I ain't upset. It's weird you found him and managed to get him to follow y'all around, and all that, but I think you girls should come and talk to me before you try and rope up a stray human. I think he already belongs to somepony, and he's probably a prized human too, judging by how well trained he is," Applejack explained to them.

"So… What are you gonna do to him?" Scootaloo asked.

"Gotta take him back to Ponyville. ‘Ccordin’ to Twilight, that’s where she had the most trouble with him. Gotta be around there he got lost,” Applejack said.

“Can we go with you?” Applebloom asked, following along with Applejack as we walked through the orchard.

“Don’t y’all have a mess you need to clean up? I know I ain’t gonna do it,” Applejack eyed Applebloom sternly.

The filly trio gulped and smiled nervously, Scootaloo chuckling nervously, Sweetie clearing her throat awkwardly, and Applebloom muttering an agreement reluctantly. The girls all turned tail and moped back to the gum covered treehouse, glancing over at Rick curiously as they walked away from each other.

Rick chanced a glance backwards, catching the filly’s stares, and gave them a small, confident grin and a wink before turning back around.

He saw a smile creep on their faces just as he faced back forward, silently shuffling along the orange cowpony through the orchard.

He had no idea how she knew where she was going when it all looked the same to him, but he supposed that since she worked here her whole life, she should kinda know how to navigate the area.

“So, Twilight’s been all worked up about you for a couple hours now. Lucky you were still here when we were lookin’ for you,” Applejack started talking to Rick, breaking the monotony of the silent walk, “She say’s you were doin’ things humans can’t do, says she accidentally got in your head and saw a human smiling at her,” Rick remembered the painful flare in his head when Twilight did something to him with her magic. He had remembered an instant with Stacy, smiling up at him, “Funny how she thought that was cause enough for panic. Bit of a stick in the mud, that girl. I swear, that mare needs to find herself a nice stallion, don’tcha think?” Applejack glanced at Rick over her shoulder, almost expectantly, like she was waiting for him to answer.

Deciding to test the waters slightly, Rick huffed, still sounding like a typical human, but clearly acknowledging that Applejack was indeed talking to him.

"Heh, yeah that's what I thought," Applejack chuckled.

Rick continued watching her, smirking to himself as a thought came to his head. He was supposed to be playing like a human of this world right? And supposedly, he was not too normal considering what's already here. What's a little monkey business around here other than typical human behavior?

"I have to say that: If Twi was bothering you, could you avoid actually hurting her? I don't appreciate you beating her over the head with a—Hey!" Applejack said then yelped. Her Stetson was lifted off her head, prompting her to look back and try to catch it with her hoof before it completely abandoned ship.

She saw Rick with the hat on his head, now, staring at her with that same lame expression other humans had. The hat, ironically, was on correctly and actually looked good on him.

"Give that back, boy, that's mine—Hey!" Applejack made to take her hat back when he moved back and out of her way, "Come on, you, give it back," Applejack made another quick grab, only to be dodged again by the reflexive human.

Inside, Rick smiled to himself, enjoying his antics. With quick steps and weaves, Rick darted to and fro, deftly dodging that deceptively agile cowpoke of a pony. All the while, she swore at him, threatened him, and promised dire retribution should she get her hooves on him.

Unfortunately, Rick had too much fun prancing about that he didn't pay attention to his footing. A bastard tree thought it was funny to stick his root out under Rick's foot, tripping him up. "Gotcha now, ya rascal!"

Applejack jumped up in his moment of unsure footing, finally grabbing hold of her hat, planting her back hooves in his lap to better raise herself to make the grab. Rick wind-milled his arms, desperate to regain proper horizon lock in his equilibrium, but Applejack adding her own mass to his precariously balanced position was too much. They both fell backward to the ground.

Rick hit on his back, head bouncing off the dirt and splattering floaters and stars in his vision. When his sight came back un-obscured, there was a substantial amount of orange fur and blushing, red skin underneath.

He blinked, trying to take in the scene above him. Applejack laid upon Rick's body, hind legs on either side of his waist with her front hooves around his neck. Rather intimate…

"Uhm, ahem, sorry 'bout that, partner," Applejack chuckled nervously. She planted her hooves against the ground and made to push herself up before Rick sat up abruptly and embraced her as tight as he could, rubbing his face vigorously in the crook of her neck. Holy crap, she's ridiculously soft!

"Uh—Um, Hey, cut that out," Applejack squirmed, trying to push her way out of Rick's grasp.

Rick kept up the snuggling for a bit longer before letting his grip slacken. Applejack took advantage of the lapse and hopped away, "That sure was strange," she whispered, eyeing him nervously.

What? Humans don't snuggle against soft things here? Man, this world! Esta Loco, Rick mentally shook his head, but didn’t stand up.

"Well, uh," Applejack started, but her embarrassment from the strange affection made her fumble over her words, "Let's, uh, get you on back to, ahem, Twilight."

Rick huffed slightly, but stood up regardless. Again, though, he didn't move from his spot until Applejack gave him a command, This little death that racks my soul, every time I belittle myself to a miniature horse, Rick lamented his fate, but didn't vocalize any of it.

For a few minutes, the two padded along—well, half the group padded, the other noisily clip-clopped—until Princess Purple It came into view. Rick whimpered and tucked himself closer to Applejack, crouching severely to make himself as small as possible.

"Hey, Twi, I got the rascal," Applejack called out to her friend.

Twilight looked over, and then glared at Rick. He whimpered again, avoiding eye contact very obviously. Mierda, this is so humiliating, Rick grumbled, If I get back home, never am I belittling an animal again.

"He didn't cause any trouble, did her?" Twilight grumbled, caution and hostility hung heavy on her tones. Then, to make matters worse, Rainbow Smash dropped from the sky and thumped down viciously, clearly not happy.

"Nah, he's actually very well trained. Now, I wanna know what he did to you that you terrified him so much," Applejack asked, voice inquisitive.

"Nothing! He started talking, and no human can do that! He's not human Applejack, and he won't identify himself," Twilight huffed, irritated that her friends was taking this imposter's side.

"Alright, Twilight, what exactly happened?" Applejack asked, noting that Rick had started trembling against her flank, making her hind leg tremble with him.

"Spike came in and told him to speak and he spoke," Twilight explained.

"Like a human command?" Applejack asked.

"Yes," Twilight affirmed, her horn glowing with magical energy. At that, Rick yelped and took several steps backward, startling everyone around, I didn't even need to pretend to be an animal, that legitimately scares me!

"I don't think that's all there is to it, Twi," Applejack pondered aloud, then walked back to Rick, "Shush, now, big guy; it's alright," Applejack cooed softly, trying to calm Rick down.

Twilight and Rainbow both seemed very confused, "Uh, Twilight? I thought you said he was dangerous," Rainbow deadpanned, "I mean, he made me slam into a few things, but that could be my fault if you look at it a certain way. But now? He makes it seem like you're the dangerous one."

"Grr, Watch! Just tell him to speak, Applejack. You'll see," Twilight let the magic go in her horn, but remained tense, ready to act if the human should suddenly… do something.

Applejack turned to Rick, eyeing him curiously before clearing her throat and speaking clearly and with authority, "Speak!"

Rick whined and shrank away, keeping his eyes on Twilight, making it very clear that he was not going to be following that command in her presence. "Twilight!" Applejack suddenly gasped.

"What?" Twilight started slightly, not expecting the sudden volume.

"He's traumatized!"

"How is that my fault!?"

"Speak!" Rick barked, immediately shutting everyone up.

The three present ponies stared, flabbergasted. Rick shuffled nervously from side to side, feet lifting up slightly like he was prepared to run.

"Awesome," Rainbow breathed with an open maw of shock.

"What in Sam Hell," Applejack muttered, removing her hat.

"I told you. And not only that: for some reason, I can't grab him with my magic," Twilight said smugly.

"Magic! No!" Rick barked, still staring straight at Twilight. Now, all three ponies lost their jaws, and Rick took advantage of this to sprint off.

No one made a move until after Rick had gained a well enough distance.

If I'm smart about this… which I'm technically not supposed to be… I can completely assimilate myself as just a passive anomaly! I just need to get there fast enough, Rick thought as his legs pumped as hard and as fast as he could. New adrenaline flowed through his body, urging even more speed and heightening his reflexes as he exited Sweet Apple Acres and into Ponyville proper.

With deft sidesteps and hops, quick-footed redirects and shuffles, Rick cunningly maneuvered through the market until he reached the far end of Ponyville, the Everfree Forest in his view. Once he completely cleared Ponyville, he chanced a looked backward only to shout in surprise.

Applejack wasn't too far off, and Rainbow was flying just above her. Princess Purple It wasn't anywhere to be seen. Putting on even more speed, Rick made a mad dash to the Forest's edge, hoping the foliage of the natural canopies and floor would slow down Applejack and Rainbow. As a biped, he had a slight speed advantage when running through clutter.

He heard Applejack calling the 'Heel' command multiple times, but he didn't pay it any attention. Right now, he was a fleeing human, not a trained one… well, still trained, just not—you know what I mean; it was better to run than listen to her.

Finally breaking the tree line, he skidded to a halt turning back around to see if they would follow. According to Zecora, most ponies think twice before coming into here. True to her word, Applejack and Rainbow slowed to a stop, "Come on, boy! It's dangerous in there unless your on the path!"

Rick noted that there wasn't a path anywhere near him and mentally let out a sigh of relief that his luck continued to hold out. Without one, they wouldn't pursue—"I'm gonna get him outta there!"

…wut? Rick thought.

Rainbow followed after Rick, but on her face was an expression of concern rather than contempt.

"Rainbow! You're gonna get hurt in there!" Rick heard Applejack scream, but he turned and ran when he saw Rainbow follow him.

At least, the trees made it harder for her to get him… that is, until he heard something roaring and howling in the distance. He halted in his tracks, listening intently.

Rainbow fluttered next to him, slightly curled up in fright, but one of her hooves went to his shoulder firmly, "Come on, let's get out of here! There's a pack of Timberwolves nearby!"

Ignoring her for a moment and reviewing a mental map of the immediate area, he realized that he was actually much further from Zecora's hut than he thought. But there was no way he was going back to Purple It dissecting him…

He swallowed thickly and continued running forward, keeping note of where he was headed to avoid the wolves, but keeping as straight as possible to get to Zecora's quickly.

"Hey! Stop! We're gonna get really hurt if we stay out here!" Rainbow pleaded. Despite her warning and obvious need for self-preservation, she kept following him, sticking close to his side.

Ears keen and eyes sharp, Rick kept moving, listening to Rainbow try and persuade him out and whimper whenever a howl sounded like it was getting closer. They didn't seem interested in them, or they just didn't catch their scent, either way, Rick made sure to adjust course accordingly.

"U-um, do you know where you're even going?" Rainbow asked, eyes darting back and forth.

Rick huffed an affirmative, much to Rainbow's shock, "Can you… can you understand me?"

I can, but that's for me to know, and you to find out… never, Rick mentally thought with a smug smile. But he was sure to make sure she couldn't see it.

A rustle in the bush across from them caused the duo to jump in fright and freeze in their tracks, eyes resolutely fixed on the trembling foliage. Rainbow latched onto Rick's arm, shuddering slightly, while Rick crouched and spread his arms in a ready combat stance.

But who should be the one to cause their fear? Why, none other than Zecora herself! She emerged from the bush, leaves clinging to her coat and a set of saddlebags she was wearing. Her head was down and she had a deep scowl on her face, muttering something or another angrily.

"Zecora!" Rainbow happily shouted.

Zecora jumped high into the air, yelling something that Rick was both glad to hear and amused to hear as well. She had screamed in Swahili! And what she screamed was along the lines of "Motherfucker".

"Rainbow Dash! Don't be so loud and brash!" Zecora said, holding a hoof over her heart and breathing quickly.

"Sorry about that, we just thought you were a timberwolf or something," Rainbow said with a nervous scratch to her hair.

"I am not, although, they are a rather bothersome lot," Zecora said, then turned to Rick, "Ricardo? What are you doing here? And that robe you're wearing is quite queer."

"I need to talk to you, but act like I'm just being a human still," Rick told her in Swahili.

Much to Zecora's credit, she had minimal reaction at hearing him speak her language, but Rainbow was less composed, "YOU CAN TALK!!!"

"Calm yourself, Rainbow, it's merely him mimicking for a show. He does that when he needs something, stat," Zecora turned and motioned for them to follow her, "My hut isn't too far, but please be careful, lest you earn a scar."

The trio began moving along when Rainbow spoke up, "So what were you doing out here anyway, Zecora?"

"I received a letter from my homeland. There was a council to be held for me and other nomads. Unfortunately, the fee was too high for an air barge, and my coin purse isn't quite large. There are no ships ready for the sea, so here I am, at quite a quandary," Zecora explained.

Lucky me, Rick thought with a mental sigh of relief, I wasn't ready to take on these ponies alone.

"That stinks," Rainbow agreed, "and how come the Timberwolves didn't bother you? It sounded like they were right behind you where we ran into each other."

"A simple repellant, something the wolves find repugnant," Zecora grinned proudly.

"Cool," Rainbow said approvingly.

The next few minutes were spent silently, the company of three just moving along jovially… and this rhyming thing kinda infected me. Please, pay me no heed…

…that was the last one.

At long last, a minute later, they arrived safely at Zecora's hut. As soon as it came into sight, Rick rushed forward and within, leaving the two behind, walking at a more mundane pace.

As quick as he could, Rick wrote out a very quick and short handed note for Zecora to read to Rainbow and for something for himself to present to Purple It, should she try to rape him again… or just try very hard to bug him.

He finished the scroll just as the two walked in, presenting it to Zecora, "Master," he growled out.

"And you're sure he can't talk?" Rainbow asked skeptically.

"Very sure," Zecora replied, taking the scroll and opening it read it.

This is that better alibi we were talking about, the note started in Swahili, don't tell Rainbow what this means. And I'll need this back to help me out in Ponyville when you are gone.

"Ah! It is a note from Rick's master!" Zecora said with feigned cheer.

"His master? I thought he belonged to you?" Rainbow asked.

"No, me owning a human would be a disaster!" Zecora laughed.

"Well, what does the note say?" Rainbow hovered closer, trying to read the note over Zecora's shoulder.

"It says, 'Zecora,'" Rick was suddenly very attentive, wondering how Zecora would read the letter since it wasn't in rhyme, "'I hope Ricardo isn't giving you too much trouble. Sadly, I won't be able to make it back anytime soon,'" for some reason, Rick was kind of disappointed to hear her not speaking in rhymes and that it seemed so normal coming from her, "But I'm going to go ahead and let you know that Ricardo will be allowed to roam freely; you don't need to house him anymore. Go ahead and leave this message with Ricardo to give to the resident Princess, just in case she becomes curious about his… behavior."

"Is that it?" Rainbow asked. She had sat down next to Rick, opting to listen instead of reading with her.

"There is a bit more, mostly personal lore, but the other message is for Twilight's patronage," Zecora responded, still looking over the note.

"Well, what does that say?" Rainbow asked, bouncing slightly in her place. Rick watched her with amusement, but he didn't show it.

"'To whomever else reads this note: Please, treat this human with care and delicacy. He is a very valuable research subject. He has advanced motor functions and has the ability to understand some of our language. It's rocky, but he also appears to be able to mimic speech when wanting to express pain, hunger, sadness, concern, or kindness."

Rick let out a breath he forgot he was holding, glad that Zecora had added filling and transitional words to his short hand.

"For the moment, he also seems to be immune to some magic. I haven't tested it yet as it causes him a bit of pain and possibly a shared memory moment. I wouldn't recommend even using magic in his presence; you could very well startle him.

He isn't dangerous, not in the slightest, but he will not hesitate to defend himself and even others with excessive force. He is still an animal, after all," man, that part hurt to write down, Rick thought to himself.

"Please, Ricardo is a gentle, loving, and highly respectful human; do not treat him ill. It helps that he also understands authority. If Princess Twilight, Celestia, or Luna happen to come across this note, you'll notice that he'll bow to you after initially meeting you,'" Zecora read out.

"Wow! You're pretty smart!" Rainbow chirped at Rick. Rick turned to look at her to acknowledge her speaking to him, but he made no further action.

"There is another quick note here. Something that we all should hear," Zecora announced.

Rhyming "here" with "hear", huh? Interesting rules you have, Rick noted with a mental smirk.

"'Ricardo is also very well versed in medicine and handywork. Should you need any help, you can employ his services with an "Assist Me!" command. He'll listen to most anything you'll need," at that, Zecora gave Rick a curious look, silently asking him what his plans were.

He simply winked, offering a sign that told her to trust him. She gave a slight, disbelieving shake of her head, but kept to herself.

"Now that seems way too smart for a human," Rainbow said skeptically, crossing her arms and looking over to Rick who returned her stare with an expressionless one.

"Excuse me a moment," Zecora said aloud, "let me put these bags in my closet and grant my aching back content." With that, Zecora walked by the two and into the door by her bed.

Seizing the opportunity, Rainbow turned to Rick and glared at him, "Making me slam into the wall and tree like that really hurt," then she butt her head against Rick's forehead, pressing it there and preventing him from looking anywhere else but into her eyes, "but you beating up my friends? Oh no, you do not go there! You wanna crash me? Fine, but Twilight? You touch her again, or any other pony, you'll have me to answer to," Rainbow was growling, and her eyes spoke of murder.

Rick swallowed thickly, whimpering slightly and wanting to move away from this murderous mare. "You got that!?" Rainbow barked!

Rick yelped and nodded vigorously, I got it, loca! Ay Dìos mìo, you're scary, Rick thought.

Rainbow scoffed and moved away, scowling at him from the sides of her eyes, "You better; I've thrashed bigger humans than you before." Then she floated over to where a cushion sat on the floor and sat on it.

"I have to hand it to you, though," Rainbow said quietly, "You're probably the fastest human I've ever seen."

Rick stared at her, not sure how a normal animal would react, so he did the best thing possible… nothing. He stood there awkwardly, in the middle of Zecora's tree, fidgeting slightly as he watched Rainbow stare at him and then watched Zecora's hind quarters sticking out of the closet.

"That note says you know how to defend yourself, does that mean you're a Guard Human?" Rainbow asked.

Rick returned his attention to her, but still did nothing "I wonder why somepony would train a Guard Human to do so much. Sounds kinda lame, if you ask me."

Deciding that he didn't wanna stand much longer, Rick sat down where he stood, crossing his legs and sitting straight.

"Is your master sure you don't know how to talk? That sounded like you were talking to Zecora earlier," Rainbow asked.

"Most of it was gibberish," Zecora called from the closet, "nothing more than syllabic mush."

"If you say so," Rainbow said skeptically, but never took her eyes off Rick.

Once her trip to Narnia was over, Zecora withdrew from the closet, now without her saddlebags, and walked over to Rick. A scroll in her mouth that she deposited on the floor in front of him, "Your masters note. You should keep it in tote."

Rick grabbed the note and tucked it into his toga/robe, making sure it was secure, "And I need you to Assist Me," Zecora said, making sure those words stuck out. Rick quirked up, looking straight at Zecora, "Please, take this note to Princess Twilight and clear up any calamity."

Rick cocked his head to the side, displaying his genuine confusion. "If what Rainbow said about you injuring Twilight is correct, then good relations, you must elect."

Rick nodded and stood back up, making straight for the door. "Hey wait!" Rainbow cried out.

Rick and Zecora looked back at her nervously shuffling from hoof to hoof, "You, uh, you have anymore of that Timberwolf Repellant?"

Zecora looked confused for a second before she started laughing. It was gentle and not at all mocking, "The wolves will simply abandon their stead if you are playing dead!"

Ah, that's why she was covered in all those leaves, Rick mentally 'ah-ha'd.

"Oh," Rainbow said dumbly, "Well, then I'll guess we'll see you later Zecora." Rainbow fluttered out of the door and Rick took a step after her before stopping. He stared after her until he was certain she wasn't trying to hide by door sill when she noticed he wasn't following anymore.

"Zecora," Rick began, "Thanks. You've been a big help to me and I promise I'll repay you."

"I don’t need any commemoration, but a visit from you every now and then will bring much elation!" She stepped forward and hopped up on her hind legs to hug him. He returned the hug with a firm squeeze.

"Then expect to see me every day! But would you mind if we spoke your language? The rhymes are kinda hard to keep up with," Rick asked.

"But of course! However, you'll need to explain how you know that tongue aside from yours," Zecora said, stepping back down from the hug.

"Hey! Where'd you go, boy?" Rainbow called out from the distance, sounding almost panicked.

Rick looked back down to Zecora and gave her another wink, before simply walking off with a goodbye wave.

As quick as could, he darted to where Rainbow was heard and found her hovering over a trail on the forest floor, her ears and eyes swiveling about in search for him. Once his footsteps got closer, she turned to him and sighed with relief, dropping back to her hooves, "You scared me, big guy. Don't run off like that, okay? Especially in the Everfree."

Huh, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you have feelings for me… Praise the Sun! Rick mentally laughed. But his face betrayed nothing of his actual emotions.

For the remainder of the trip, the two prodded along silently. Along the way, Rick had taken out the scroll and examined it briefly. It was the same exact note he gave to Zecora, but written with much nicer penmanship, not short handed, and with the proper transitional words and phrases to make it sound much less like a retard wrote it…and yes, I just thought of my self as a retard, Rick thought with a scowl of realization.

What also tickled Rick's fancy was that the note in Swahili was also there still, but the pronouns and point of view changed to sound and look like a more informal note to Zecora from "The Master" that they talked about.

It made them seem very familiar… almost romantically… it made Rick nervous for some inexplicable reason.

From the edge of the Everfree tree line, the two emerged, blinking away the night vision that settled into their retinas after the dark of the forest.

And who should be there waiting for them? But Princess Purple It, Apple-Fakk, Pinklock Polmes, and two others that he wasn't familiar with. He wanted to identify the two unfamiliars when a sudden cold pressed all around Rick's neck and around his midsection, binding his arms to his body causing him to yelp loudly.

"Twilight, it's alright!" Rainbow tried to cut in, waving off a long string of rope that was heading for Rick's neck.

A fuckin' noose!? Are you kidding me!? I thought the sixties were done and dealt with! … Definitely burning in hell for that one, Rick mentally shouted then lamented.

"Regardless, all owned humans need a collar to roam around and need to be in the presence of their handler at all times," Twilight explained, trying to get the rope past her agile, blue, flying friend.

"Did you really need to get a collar made out of metal? The poor thing looks really uncomfortable," the new yellow one whispered…said… hard to tell with how soft her voice was. She was a pegasus, like Rainbow, but she remained on the ground, "And that body brace has to be so cold!"

I like her already, Rick thought, she knows that the struggle is real.

"He attacked me and made Rainbow hurt herself… twice!" Twilight explained.

You already know why I don't like you, Sparkle Butt, Rick growled.

"And I told you already, Twi, that you did something to scare the fella. He's obviously trained to defend himself and to listen to commands, even if they're from another pony," Apple-Fakk pointed out.

By this point, Purple It stopped all further attempts at lynching Rick.

"Honestly, darling, the very thought of somepony training one of these horrid brutes and training it to defend itself is warrant enough for caution. Not to mention his apparent resistance to magic," the new white, one-horn said. A haughty flair of her hair and a snooty upturned nose told Rick everything he needed to know about her.

Uptight, well-mannered, stone cold bitch who probably has a slave worker trying to earn her affections… and she won't even acknowledge his feelings for her at all. Target Acquired. Commence Troll-ilization, Rick grinned evilly within his mind. In his experience back on Earth, before the accident, people like her wound up being a lot of fun once you broke them out of their shell.

"Master! Note! Prince Spark!" Rick barked out, intentionally shortening the vowels and syllable count to sound like he had a lot of difficulty working the words out.

Every pony jumped at the strange sounds and the realization that a mute creature was speaking. Luckily, Rainbow saved him from impending dissection from Purple It, who looked ready to dive for a scalpel and bone saw.

"Cool it! He can't really talk. He just mimics words! Zecora told me all about it! He has a note that he was supposed to give to you Twilight," Rainbow said.

"That's more than simple mimicry, Rainbow Dash! He had a cohesive message behind that phrase! He meant to relay a message, which is speaking!" Twilight explained.

"Will you just read the stupid note and stop acting like a silly filly who's scared of the boogeymare!?" Rainbow dash was now, very clearly, irritated at her paranoia.

You and me both, sister, Rick agreed with a very subtle roll of his eyes. With firm, but subtle wiggles throughout that exchange, Rick had completely come free of the metal band binding his arms.

Just before a blushing Twilight could offer a retort that looked like she was about to defend herself, the metal band clicked against the ground, eliciting a gasp from the other ponies.

Both the yellow and white ones jumped behind Purple it and Apple-Fakk, Pinklock leaning in much closer with a joyful and awed expression, "Ooh! Ooh! He's an escape artist human! Do it again, do it again!"

Before that could escalate as well as the pony panic getting ready to happen, Rick withdrew the note and approached Purple It. He maintained a stoic posture and composure and seemed to not hold any fear of her anymore. The same couldn't be said for Purple It who looked like she was about to confront Satan himself.

Rick huffed, urging her to take the note, pressing it closer to her without actually touching. Cautiously, Twilight took the note in her magic and unfurled it slowly, holding it away from herself to avoid setting off the nuclear bomb that was oh-so-obviously hidden inside of it… or anthrax.

She scanned it over, making numerous facial expressions that ranged from clearly skeptical to outright disbelief.

"Well, what's it say?" Applejack asked, leaning over Twilight's shoulder.

Twilight cleared her throat before reciting the message for everyone present, "'I hope Ricardo isn't giving you too much trouble, Zecora. Sadly, I won't be able to make it back from Stalliongrad anytime soon, but I'm going to go ahead and let you know that Ricardo will be allowed to roam freely; you don't need to house him anymore.

It's become a little tough to send you money for his food and any troubles he may add to your schedule. I know you're a busy mare, so I'll give you the command to tell him that he must take care of himself. It will be at the end of my letter.

Go ahead and leave this message with Ricardo to give to the resident Princess, just in case she becomes curious about his behavior. I trust, her being the Princess of Friendship, that she will not have him impounded and that she could direct him to a place to stay.

To whomever else reads this note: Please, treat this human with care and delicacy. He is a very valuable research subject. He has advanced motor functions and has the ability to understand some of our language. It's rocky, but he also appears to be able to mimic speech when wanting to express pain, hunger, sadness, concern, or kindness. He has very minimal communication skills vocally, but his body language is much more pronounced than normal humans.

For the moment, he also seems to be immune to some magic. I haven't tested it yet as it causes him a bit of pain and possibly a shared memory moment. I wouldn't recommend even using magic in his presence; you could very well startle him.

He isn't dangerous, not in the slightest, but he will not hesitate to defend himself and even others with excessive force. He is still an animal, after all," Applejack cut in, "I told you Twilight!"

Twilight gave her a stern glare, "This note could be entirely fabricated by him," Twilight gestured to Rick, "For all we know."

"I don't think that's the case," Pinkie cut in as well.

Twilight gave her an irritated huff, "And why not, Pinkie?"

"Look at his hands! There's no ink smudges on the sides!"

Twilight looked back to Rick and stepped closer to look at his hands, finding that Pinkie was right. The ink would have at least left some proof that his hand rested against it before it fully cured. Thank God I don't rub my hand over the paper when I write!

"Was there anymore in that letter, Twilight dear?" the white horny one asked.

Twilight stepped back from Rick, slightly less skeptical now, before clearing her throat once more and continuing her progress in the letter, "'Please, Ricardo is a gentle, loving, and highly respectful human; do not treat him ill. It helps that he also understands authority. If Princess Twilight, Celestia, or Luna happen to come across this note, you'll notice that he'll bow to you after initially meeting you.

Ricardo is also very well versed in medicine and handywork. Should you need any help, you can employ his services with an "Assist Me!" command. He'll listen to most anything you'll need, best wishes from Xenith. P.s. That command for him to care of himself? Say "Bure!" three times. Hope to see you soon, my friend.'"

Rick smiled in his mind with an approving nod. I definitely need to repay Zecora somehow.

"He'll bow to you!? Absurd! Ruffians like him wouldn't know proper etiquette in the face of royalty!" the white, horny mare said.

"I'm gonna have to go with Rarity on this one," Applejack agreed.

"Well, don't knock it 'til you try it," Pinkie chirped before literally bouncing to where Rick stood, "Now girls, you all have to play along to see if it this works."

The others looked at her strangely, but didn't object. Rick already knew precisely how to do this show.

"All hail, Princess Twilight Sparkle!" Pinkie cheered and gave a very respectful bow to Twilight.

Twilight made an embarrassed noise and turned red in the face. The others quickly caught on and bowed to her as well. Rick waited the heartbeat when he was the only one standing to make it known to the others that he was learning… although he already knew. It was all part of the show.

With a very graceful, smooth motion, Rick put his left hand behind his back, placed his right hand across his abdomen, and knelt down on his right knee, in a very exaggerated but well-mannered bow.

"Hey, he really did it," Rainbow Dash said.

The girls all stood back up and looked at Rick with mixed expressions of pleasant surprise and shock. Even though everyone had stopped bowing. Rick hadn't moved, keeping his head low. He was aware that they stopped, but there was a part of the ritual that hadn't been announced. All animals are trained with cues, after all. Unless he gets it, he won't budge.

"Um, why didn't he stand back up?" the yellow shy asked.

"You can get up now, boy!" Pinkie yelled out.

Still, Rick didn't move, and made no indication he was going to.

Seriously, you call me the animal and you don't even know the proper routine? Tsk tsk you savages, Rick thought.

"Please make him stop, you know I hate it when ponies treat me like this," Twilight muttered indignantly. Clearly, she was uncomfortable.

"Oh wait! If he's trained, he needs to understand that we're not bowing anymore!" Thank you Apple-Fakk! "Please rise!"

With that, Rick stood up, just as gracefully, and resumed complete stoicism.

"Well," Twilight began, "I'm still gonna be cautious around him, especially when we don't know who this Xenith character is and because of his magical resistance. But he still needs a handler!" …fuck. "I don't care if he can take care of himself; it's the rules."

"Oh, oh! I'll do it! I'll do it!" Pinkie cheered, hoof raised high into the air.

"Pinkie, darling, you can't possibly take care of him as the Cakes have a very strict 'No Human' policy," Rarity pointed out.

"Oh, the Cakes already know about him and they wouldn't mind him at all!" Pinkie waved her hoof dismissively.

Pinkie for the save! Rick grinned.

"Do you even know how to take care of a human, Pinkie?" yellow shy asked in her super quiet voice.

…don't make me add you to my shit-list, Rick mentally scowled.

"Well… no, but I think—"

"Then I'll take care of him," yellow shy cut Pinkie off, with just a tad of assertiveness.

Say what?

"Say what?" Rainbow unconsciously echoed.

"Fluttershy, sugarcube, I don't think that would be a good idea. Not after what happened with the last human," Apple-Fakk said. Concern heavy in her voice.

Okay, this is a live wasp nest ready to burst. Better take the initiative before I get stung by more contempt and suspicion, with a very low huff, Rick walked over to where Pinkie stood, urging Rarity, who had been standing by her side, to move away from him, a look of fear and disgust clear on her face.

Just keep it up, Creamcake, it just makes it more fun for me to break you, Rick thought with an evil sneer…in his mind, anyway. Can't have ponies actually seeing that..

With a resolute motion, Rick plopped down into a sit, shoulder pressed against Pinkie's barrel. "Aw! See? He wants to go with me!" Pinkie said.

"Are you sure, Pinkie? What if he causes trouble?" Twilight asked. Keep it up, Sparkly, Rick narrowed his eyes.

"The note said he was fine, Twilight! Lay off the poor guy, sheesh," Rainbow rolled her eyes.

Twilight sighed deeply, "Alright, alright, I'm sorry. There's just too many unknowns about him! I'd need to study him before I'm fully comfortable with him."

"Then go ahead and do that!" Pinkie said.

Twilight gave her a confused look, complete with the questioning eyebrow raise. "Xenith said he was a research subject, right? Shouldn't that mean he's used to being poked and prodded? Also, he's supposed to be completely harmless unless you try to hurt him or somepony else.

We can take him to your place where you can study him, Fluttershy could come over to help since she knows humans, Rainbow and Applejack can be there for comfort reasons, and I can go because I'm me!"

"What about Rarity?" Rainbow Dash pointed out. At which Rarity desperately waved her off, "Please! Anywhere but near that brute! I wouldn't mind missing that party."

"Plus, Rarity doesn't know much about humans. I didn't think she'd appreciate being cooped up with a human anyway," Fluttershy added.

"Thank you, Fluttershy," Rarity nodded to her.

"Slumber party at Twilight's house!" Rainbow Dash cheered then darted off like a speeding bullet.

Welp! Looks like I get to sink my meat hooks into a few books after all! Rick thought happily.

You were directed to this page in Error; If problem remains Unresolved or is Recurring, Please contact your Systems Administrator. Error Code:
TheGlitchInTheMatrix

Author's Note

Sorry about the amount of time it took to get this one out there. Our story writer took a little too much time to himself and then suddenly overload us with ten pages of work. Our editor needed to recruit help for this one. Thanks to CRIO of TheGlitchInTheMatrix for adding their helping eyes and hands.

We sincerely hope you like this story and continue reading on! Thank you for your support and (mostly) kind words! -TGitM