Applejack and Herbert the Train Have a Baby!
“What do you mean I can’t have any babies with my husband?” asked Applejack as she crossed her front hooves and slouched in the doctor’s office chair she was sitting in. Doctor Stable, a yellow coated unicorn with brown hair sighed and took off his glasses to rub his eyes. He was far too drunk, old and tired to deal with this shit, yet here he was because he needed money to pay alimony to that stupid, whore of an ex-wife.
“It is literally impossible Ms…. Fine, Mrs. Herbert, for a train and a pony to make babies. Genetics don't work that way.” Said Doctor Stable, putting down his clip board and putting his glasses back on. Applejack whined underneath her breath and pouted.
“But what about the Ca-Don’t bring up the Cakes, the reason they had a unicorn and a Pegasus was because they had unicorn and pegasus genetics in their blood which surfaced. Besides, trains do not have genetics! The Cakes do! Which allowed them to have children. TRAINS ARE INANIMATE OBJECTS USED TO TRANSPORT PEOPLE!” interjected the doctor, screaming and flailing his front hooves around to make his point.
“Is there no magic that can help me?” asked Applejack, her lip beginning to tremble and her eyes widening, glistening with tears.
“I don’t know! Ask Zecora or something! Maybe she has a potion that can help you!” With that, Doctor Stable kicked Applejack out of his office and back into the waiting room. Once alone he opened the door to his medical cabinet and removed a large bottle of whiskey and a bag of cocaine from behind some bottles of rubbing alcohol. “I hate Tuesdays!”
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Applejack slowly made her way into the dense and dark forest known as the Everfree. She detested this place with a passion but unfortunately, Zecora decided to live in the Everfree forest. Maybe it was due to all the rare creatures and plants around her, or because when she first moved to town they (the town’s folks) burned down her house, situated near town hall and told her to go live in the forest. As she walked she made sure to watch for Poison Joke, a magical plant that liked to play pranks on its victims. Applejack shuddered as she remembered the last time she stepped in the stuff.
Eventually, she found herself outside of Zecora’s door. Inside loud chanting could be heard and the smell of potions being brewed filled the air. Applejack walked up to the door and knocked on it three times. The door almost immediately opened, revealing an annoyed Zecora. “Zecora, I need a potion that can allow me to have a baby with Herbert!” There was a long, awkward pause where Zecora just stared at Applejack. She stared, stared and stared some more. The orange mare found it rather unnerving and rather creepy. Eventually the zebra spoke, in a slow, enrapturing voice which for the first time ever, did not speak in rhyme.
“Go fuck yourself; I don’t have time for your stupidity.” With that, the zebra slammed the door on Applejack, causing the frame to rattle from the vibrations. Applejack pouted for a few minutes and sniffled a bit before leaving. As she did, she tried to think of other ponies that could help her out. Twilight? Nah, she was probably busy doing watersports with Rainbow Dash. Really she had no idea why those two girls liked canoeing and swimming so much. Pinkie Pie? After all, the girl was a gypsy. But then again, Pinkie Pie was annoying and she really didn’t want her to use her dark magic or to go on about how she needed to make a portal to resurrect her parents. Rarity? No, because she would just laugh or talk about her post-dramatic-dress-disorder and about the War; Besides, that girl was worthless.
Applejack paused and reminisced briefly at the war. It had been a brutal one, but in the end, she had succeeded in winning the war and massacring the enemy troops. So what if it was “inhumane” to slaughter all their enemies even after they surrendered? She had done what she needed to do in order to protect the Apple family and their farm. Besides, Ponyville didn’t care. The mayor had personally annulled her war crimes and she was once again an upstanding member of society, but now with a bunch of medals above her door to remind family and visitors of what she did for Equestria.
Anyway, Fluttershy? No, that girl was either doing a bunny bonfire or making out with Discor….DISCORD! That was it! If anyone could help her make a baby with Herbert it was sure to be Discord! Applejack ran back to Ponyville, not bothering to watch out for any mysterious magical plants or Timberwolves. By the time she got back, the sun was setting and sweat was pouring down her brow and body. She rushed up to Fluttershy’s door and rapidly knocked on the door. No doubt Discord was over at Fluttershy’s, he lived there and he was usually at home or with Fluttershy. A few minutes passed before the top part of the door to Fluttershy’s cottage opened, revealing the mare herself.
“Is Discord here? I need him to help me!” exclaimed Applejack, waving her hooves around like a madpony. Fluttershy hesitantly opened the bottom part of the door and gestured to the kitchen. Fluttershy followed after Applejack as she ran into the kitchen, where Discord was making cucumber sandwiches.
“Oh, hello Applejack” said Discord, absently mindedly dusting off her bright pink apron with duckies and kittens on it and turning away from the food he was making.
“I need you to help me make a baby with Herbert! I went to the doc’ but he said I can’t have no babies with Herb ‘cause he’s a train! I want a baby with Herbert, so use your strange, weird magic!” demanded Applejack.
Discord just looked at her. He stared and stared and stared. He stayed that way for a good while before finally speaking. “Only if I can have your seat in the friendship castle” stated the draconequus, summoning a glass of chocolate milk and gulping it all down in a matter of seconds.
“DEAL!” said Applejack, reaching out to shake hooves, or rather hooves and claws with the creature. He took her hoof and shook it before snapping his fingers. Nothing happened which made the farm pony look at him questionably.
“What? You can’t expect an instant baby! I made you pregnant with your….husband’s genetics, it takes time! Now that’s not to say your kid will survive, chances are it won’t but if it does….damn. It’ll be an even bigger side-show freak then me!” explained Discord, laughing.
“You sure I’m preggers?” asked Applejack. Discord nodded his head and ushered her out of the kitchen with his paw.
“Yes but it may take time to show up on pregnancy tests. Wait about a month or three and then go to the doctor or pee on one of those sticks.” With that Discord went back to making cucumber sandwiches.
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Applejack bit her lip as she stared at wall in front of her. After waking up these last few weeks sick and moody she decided to take herself to the doctor to see if Discord’s magic had worked. It had been a little bit over three months since she had gone to him for help. Doctor Stable was in another room, gathering her tests. As she waited on the cold, sterile table of the medical examination room she couldn't help but worry. What if it hadn’t work? What if it did and then she lost the baby? What if it decided to become a drug addict or an alcoholic when it grew up?
*Creak!*
The door to the room opened and in stepped Doctor Stable, who had a look of disbelief on his face. “Your pregnancy test came back, you’re pregnant. I’m not sure how the hell you did it, you sick freak. The ultrasound we took earlier also shows that you do in fact have an oddly shaped fetus which kind looks like it has…..well a miniature caboose attached to it.” Said the drunk doctor, pointing to a ultra sound that was on the monitor on the wall next to the mare.
Applejack grinned and hopped off the table and ran over to Doctor Stable, shaking his hoof enthusiastically. “I can't believe it worked! Me and Herbert are gonna’ have us a baby!” The mare gasped, realizing she forgot about her husband. Oh well, he probably wasn't too mad that she went in to the Doctor’s by herself to see the test results. Besides he couldn't fit inside the hospital and Doctor Stable refused to make a house call. With a grin on her face, Applejack ran out the door, throwing thanks over her shoulder as she did. Doctor Stable growled and rolled his eyes and started to reach into his medicine cabinet when he realized something.
“FUCKING BITCH, SKIPPED OUT ON THE MEDICAL BILL!”
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Thankfully, Herbert did forgive her. In fact when he found out they were expecting, he was over the moon though he said this with his glances. The fourth month of pregnancy was a bit hard for Applejack, she was beginning to show and was starting to eat strange things like gasoline and chunks of coal covered in chocolate.
She also started developing weird desires to move around in circles shouting, “Choo-Choo!” By the seventh month she was eating nothing but coal and gasoline and had hot glued a wheel to each of her legs. By the eleventh month, the month she was due she was spending most of her days just sitting in the middle of train tracks as a “train.” By the time she gave birth, her skin was starting to turn hard and kind of like metal.
The birth was painful, Applejack screamed a lot. She refused to have the baby in the hospital; her husband couldn't fit in the hospital and she wanted him there. So they had him at their home, the Ponyville train station. After Applejack traded Sweet Apple Acres, the family decided to move and take over the Ponyville train station, making it their home. It was odd for visitors and residents alike. The birth was hard, it last a little bit over nine hours and Applejack was quite delirious through the pregnancy. Thankfully though, her friends and family were there to help her out, even though most of them were there just because they wanted to see what her kid would like. Train? Pony? The answer was both.
At first glance the little foal looked fine. Big dewy eyes, a soft tuft of dark grey hair and bright green eyes along with a light silvery coat. It had a normal pony upper torso and face with two hooves that waved around as the baby giggled and played with its mother’s hair. However upon further examination, it revealed that instead of a lower torso the baby had instead a train caboose as its lower body. It was THE greatest freak show since Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus decided to reproduce to make a child capable of breaking people’s ear drums by just looking at someone.
Rainbow Dash glanced at her honorary niece or nephew and scrunched up her muzzle as she looked at the child. “Wait if it has a caboose and no lower torso, then is it a boy or a girl?” asked the cyan colored Pegasus.
“It don't matter Sugarcube, whether it’s a boy, girl or genderless. This foal is ours, though referring to it as it instead of her or him is gonna’ be mighty weird.” Spoke the tired looking new mother as she sat with her foal.
“Now then, what are you going to call this little….thing?” asked Nurse Redheart, who had come to the Apple Family home to help the new mother give birth. Applejack paused for a second and then slowly got off from where she was sitting and made her way outside, walking on three hooves while one of her front ones held her foal. She stepped outside onto the train station platform to where her husband was. They shared a few glances and smiles between them. Her friends and family gathered behind her and watched as she silently talked to her husband. After twenty minutes Applejack finally spoke.
“Apple Train!! Our foal’s name is Apple Train!”