Laughter in the Strangest of Places: Crackshipping Pinkie Pie and Chrysalis
Chrysalis sat on her throne, absentmindedly staring at an emotion pod. This one was a pale, sickly pink, likely to be mostly ambient love, thin and unnourishing at best. Then again, that’s all they’d had to live on for a long time, longer than she could remember. If it hadn’t been for that awful pink princess, her changelings would be feasting on a whole smorgasbord of emotions by now.
Resigning herself to her poor fare, she leaned in to impale it with a fang when a changeling drone burst into the room, panting for breath.
“Your highness! We’ve done it!”
Chrysalis glared, now annoyed that her meal had been interrupted. “Done what, might I ask?” she asked, her voice dangerously low.
Still panting, he stepped aside to reveal four other changelings, bearing a sack carried between two poles. “We’ve foalnapped one of the Elements,” he said, reaching for the rope tying the sack shut. With a quick tug, it came undone, and out from the burlap sack tumbled a very pink pony with a very pink, poofy mane.
She popped up, none the worse for the wear for having been foalnapped. “Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie!” she proclaimed brightly, looking around at the gathered changelings.
Chrysalis stared, and then began to laugh. “At last!” she crowed, standing up and beginning to pace. “With The Pink Horror banished to the Crystal Empire, the only thing that could stop an invasion is the Elements of Harmony; but without one of their members, they’re useless as rocks!”
“Rocks aren’t all that useless, you know.”
“Silence!” Chrysalis shouted. She glared around at the gathered changelings, but all winced at her glare. None would admit to having spoken, and with a threatening snort, she continued. “Celestia will do anything to get back her precious Elements, and I intend to take full advantage of that. And you’re… the key… to my…” Chrysalis’s voice trailed off as she realized that Pinkie Pie wasn’t there. She looked around her throne room, and suddenly saw her up on a ledge leading to a window. The ledge in question was a good three meters up; how had she gotten up there without wings?
Feeling eyes on her, Pinkie Pie turned around and gestured at the window with her head. “You know, you really ought to open a window in here or something,” she said. “It’s far too dreary in here.”
“I… what?” Chrysalis said dumbly.
“Dreary,” Pinkie repeated. “It’s like the opposite of a party. It’s like rock farm central, except not central. We’re, what, a good fifty miles south-southeast of Canterlot?”
One of the changelings who had brought her in turned to glare at a subordinate. “I told you to put the hood on her first!” he hissed.
“I did!” the second protested.
“Then how’d she know where we are?” he demanded.
“I’m an earth pony,” Pinkie said simply. “We’re good with directions.”
Chrysalis glared. “Well, I’ve got some directions for you. You’re going to the dungeons until Celestia offers a ransom. And she will pay dearly for you.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie said. She bounded off the ledge and began bouncing happily out the door.
The changelings watched in surprise. This had not been an expected development.
“How does she know where the dungeons are?” one asked.
Chrysalis sputtered incoherently, slapped him upside the head, and pointed a hoof repeatedly after her. Her changelings took the hint, and they sprinted after the escaping earth pony. She was tackled and within moments, Pinkie’s hooves were held together with green slime.
“Wheee!” she said as she was physically carried away.
Chrysalis facehoofed. Surrounded by idiots, and now a certifiably insane pony in her dungeon. Lovely.
It didn’t matter. This time, they would win, and her changelings would never go hungry again.
***
Pinkie’s disappearance was quickly noted. Or, rather, her replacement had had far too much respect for physical boundaries and the discrepancy was discovered within minutes. Mr. Cake had kept it under a trash can while Mrs. Cake had run hysterically through the streets until she luckily ran into Twilight Sparkle, who called for a chariot and took the changeling to Canterlot.
It was a solemn gathering in the library as Pinkie’s friends waited for news. Rainbow Dash paced, unable to hold still. Fluttershy’s eyes were red and bloodshot, and Rarity tried to comfort her. Applejack chewed nervously on the brim of her hat.
Soon, though, the sound of a chariot arriving made them all run outside. Twilight Sparkle hopped off, and was instantly surrounded by her friends.
“Where do we start?” Rainbow demanded. “Where do we go?”
“I can call up family members and we’ll have a whole army looking for her,” Applejack offered.
“Hold on, girls,” Twilight said hesitantly. “To be honest, there’s probably not much we’ll be able to do.”
Rainbow flew up even further in Twilight’s face. “What do you mean, there’s probably not much we’ll do? Pinkie’s our friend! We have to go help her!”
“Right; but now we have no idea where she is,” Twilight pointed out. “We can’t risk losing any guards; or worse, getting them replaced. And besides, can you imagine trying to keep Pinkie locked up in a cell somewhere?”
The four other ponies considered this, and their looks of concern quickly turned into looks of horror.
“They’ll go mad long before she will,” Rarity whispered. She never thought she’d feel sympathy for a changeling, but she suddenly did.
Twilight nodded. “We’ve never had this kind of thing happen before, but we know she wants to use Pinkie Pie as a hostage for negotiation, and that means she’ll be kept healthy. If she’s hurt, it will probably be taken as an act of war and Chrysalis will lose all leverage. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
“I suppose; but what if she’s having a terrible time?” Fluttershy wondered aloud. “What if she’s all alone in the dark, surrounded by buzzing changelings? What if she’s crying right now?”
***
“And then she says-” Pinkie gigglesnorted, “-she says, ‘well, yeah. Where do you think I got the horseshoes?’”
The changelings burst out laughing. This was the most fun they’d had since… ever, really. Usually ponies in the cells just cried and begged for release and such. This pony was telling jokes and making them laugh.
It was a pleasant change, to be honest.
“Ooh! Ooh! I have another one! So a griffon, a zebra, and Princess Luna all walk into a bar…”
“What’s going on here?”
At the sound of their regent’s voice, the changelings jumped up and scattered like cockroaches exposed to light. Pinkie turned to face Chrysalis and glared. “Meanie!” she protested, sticking her tongue out. “Now they’re never going to hear that punchline!”
Chrysalis sank to her haunches and massaged her temples. “Ugh. I can’t believe I’m supposed to take over Canterlot with this band of idiots and you.”
“Not with that attitude, you won’t!” Pinkie said brightly. “You have to believe in yourself! In fact, that reminds me of a song!” She reared up and began to sing.
“When you’re feeling down, down, down
And your face is turned with a frown, frown, frown,
Just remember-”
But what she was supposed to remember, she couldn’t say; Chrysalis hocked a slime loogie and covered Pinkie’s face in green, sticky goo.
Massaging her temples again and even harder this time, Chrysais turned and buzzed away; but even as she did, she could swear she could still heard singing.
“-that what you can achieve
Is limited only by how much you believe!”
***
In the War Room, Chrysalis gestured at the board. “And then Delta Squadron will attack from this flank, with Epsilon Squadron providing air support with copious amounts of slime. Canterlot will fall like a row of dominos.” She turned and tapped her forehoof with the pointer. “Does anyone have any questions?”
“Does it have to be like that?”
Chrysalis spun around. There stood Pinkie Pie in the door, head cocked, ears dipped slightly.
“Yes,” Chrysalis said, confusion contorting her face. “How did you get out of your cell?”
“Irrelevant,” Pinkie said dismissively, trotting up the stairs and taking her place at the table. “If you’re going to invade, you need to do something so that everypony doesn’t see you as giant invading bugs.”
Chrysalis blinked. “Come again?”
Pinkie got up and walked over to Chrysalis’s side. “You know, so they don’t mistake your invasion for an invaaasion?” She raised an eyebrow and nudged her shoulder. “Hm?”
“But it is an invasion!” Chrysalis insisted. “We’re going to march on Canterlot, put Celestia in a cocoon on display, and enslave the population! What did you think it was?”
Pinkie shrugged. “I dunno. I thought it was code word for a party.”
Chrysalis blinked. This was the mare who had struck fear into the hearts of her army? “And why would you think that?” she asked dumbly.
“Duh! Because if you want to be loved, you gotta do things that give love, first! Like, I dunno, serving cake and ice cream! I love ice cream!”
Chrysalis fought the desire to facehoof. “Guards, take the pink one back to her cell,” she ordered.
“I mean, I really love ice cream,” Pinkie continued babbling as she was led away. “There’s chocolate chip cookie dough, which is like getting cookies and ice cream at the same time; there’s mind brownie ice cream, there’s regular vanilla but I like spicing that up a bit with some caramel sauce and- ooh! Graham Canyon! That’s the best because it’s like a graham cracker but not and-”
Chrysalis placed her hooves over her ears. Perhaps it would be wise to move up the date of the invasion. She didn’t know if she could take much more of this crazy mare.
***
Chrysalis trotted down the passageway, her mind elsewhere. Her changelings were recovering still, but most were ready to fight.
At least, until a far too cheery voice chimed in. “Hey, Chryssi!”
Chrysalis skidded to a halt, dumbstruck. “Did you just…?”
Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yepperooni,” she said. “I just wanted to say I really liked all your mushrooms.”
Chrysalis blinked. “Yes,” she said slowly. “They grow on their own down here. We use them as starvation rations when we’re truly desperate.”
“They’re pretty tasty, yeah,” Pinkie said. “But they need a little salt. And they need to be grilled. But then I bet you could have a good thing going!”
Chrysalis scoffed. “We feed on love,” she insisted. “Other foods just… Wait. How did you get out of your cell?”
Pinkie shrugged.
Chrysalis stomped her hoof. “Guards!” she called.
Once again, Pinkie was dragged down the passageways back to her cell, but this time she was quiet.
Hopefully, Chrysalis thought, she stays that way.
***
“Look, all I’m saying is that the plan is kindof stinky,” Pinkie said in her version of a hushed whisper, which really wasn’t a whisper at all. “Eventually, you’re going to run out of ponies to enslave, and then you’re going to have to go try and enslave the griffons, and I haven’t met too many but a couple aren’t all that nice. And they have pretty sharp claws.”
The changelings nodded. This prisoner had some valid points.
“Now, if you really want to invade Canterlot, what you should do is make it a party so everypony wants you to come. I’m thinking we can bake a giant cake! Eh?”
The changelings looked at each other. One scuffed a hoof. “I dunno how to bake,” he admitted with a shrug.
“I replaced a pony at a bakery once,” another offered, “but I got fired because all I did was make out with the pastry mare.”
“Good stuff?” another asked.
“Yep. Tasted pretty sweet, anyway.”
“Ok, cakes are out,” Pinkie mused. “Ice cream?”
One changeling shuddered. “No cows,” he said with a pained whisper. “They just don’t shut up. And they talk about the dumbest things. And they don't. Stop. Mooing.”
“Ooh, that reminds me of a joke,” Pinkie said. “How many cows does it take to-”
“What are you doing here?”
The changelings scattered as Chrysalis appeared again.
Pinkie placed her hooves on her hips. “You know, you’re really good at interrupting my jokes,” she said. “Don’t you want your changelings to laugh a bit?”
“I don’t care,” Chrysalis seethed. “Spreading dissent among my changelings will not be tolerated.”
“Well, I would be spreading frosting; but you guys don’t have a bakery here. What kind of secret lair doesn’t have a bakery?”
“This is a changeling hive!” Chrysalis screeched. “We have everything we need here!”
“Except cake,” Pinkie pointed out.
Chrysalis sputtered and nearly lit her horn to throw Pinkie against the wall, but she calmed herself down and stomped off. Scratch that last meeting. This invasion needed to be pushed up again.
***
The next morning, Chrysalis trotted by the War Room, rehearsing her speech. It needed to be dramatic. It needed to be powerful. She needed her generals on board, or else the invasion wouldn’t go off without a hitch and it needed to. It needed to be just perf-
Why did it sound like there were changelings already in the War Room?
She poked her head in, and her jaw dropped.
Pinkie stood in front of the chalkboard. It had been covered with paper, and sitting on the table were a large stack of crayons.
“What is going on in here?” Chrysalis demanded.
Pinkie grinned. “Chryssi! You’re just in time! Here, have a seat!” And she sprinted around, pushed Chrysalis back down onto one of the rocky seats, and bounded back up to the front.
Chrysalis was too stunned to do anything but watch.
Pinkie Pie stretched out a hoof and pulled a crayon closer. “Now, the last invasion didn’t go so well, mainly because everypony was afraid of you. I mean, you show up and the first thing you do is start sliming all the guards.”
One of the generals nodded, a smile on his face.
“And that’s bad.”
He quickly changed it to a disapproving head shake. Chrysalis facehoofed.
“See,” and here she transferred the crayon to her mouth, “i’ you wan’ ‘onies to ‘ike you, you gotta do some’hin’ nice ‘irs’,” she said. She began drawing on the board. “So here’s my 'lan for 'is invasion.”
“There’s already a plan…” Chrysalis interrupted.
Pinkie spat out the crayon and shook her head. “Ah, ah, ah,” she said, cutting the queen off. “You can ask questions when I’m finished.”
Chrysalis’s jaw dropped. She had never been so insulted in her life.
Ignorant of the danger she had put herself in, Pinkie Pie continued. “I managed to get one of the mushrooms and one of the torches from the walls and grilled it. Added a little salt, and let me tell you, it was delicious.”
“How did you get out of your cell again?” Chrysalis demanded.
Pinkie shrugged and said, “Mm-mm-mmm,” to the cadence of ‘I don’t know’. She turned back to her drawing. “So I say we get a giant grill, grill up some of these mushrooms, and throw a huge meet-and-greet party so everypony in Canterlot can get to know you! They'll be happy to see you and they'll want you to come back and-”
Chrysalis stomped a hoof, cracking the table. “Enough!” she roared. “We are changelings! We hide in the shadows and take what we must by force! There’s no way this could work.”
“Well, i- it might,” one of the generals said.
Chrysalis turned and glared. He sunk down in his seat and did not rise again.
“Take her back to her cell,” Chrysalis ordered. “And tell your changelings the invasion has been moved up a week.”
One of the generals raised a hoof. “But, your highness…”
“Go!”
The generals scattered.
Pinkie frowned. “You really don’t have a way with words, do you?”
Chrysalis stomped out and slammed the door to the War Room behind her. Then she began piling rocks and rubble and anything she could get her horn on in front of the door in a vaguely insane attempt to barricade Pinkie Pie inside.
This seemed to work… until she realized who exactly was helping her pick out rocks. She stared dumbstruck as Pinkie placed another rock and adjusted it until it was straight.
She stopped when she realized Chrysalis had stopped. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you want to go back in?” Pinkie asked innocently.
Chrysalis howled. “I give up!” She picked up a rock with her magic and slammed it on the top of Pinkie’s head, knocking her out. Seizing her tail in her magic, Chrysalis dragged her through the hive and back to her cell, threw her inside, and slammed the door. Then she stepped outside and lit her horn. The ceiling cracked, and then crumbled, caving in the ceiling and filling the cells with dust and rock chips.
“Now get out of that, if you can!” Chrysalis crowed.
Laughter in the Strangest of Places: Crackshipping Pinkie Pie and Chrysalis
The next morning, Chrysalis trotted contentedly through the hive. Her changelings were working, and the invasion would continue as planned.
She froze, then took a couple steps back, not believing her eyes. Sure enough, one of the changelings who was breaking rocks had elected to wear a cutie mark. And not just any cutie mark, oh no. It was her cutie mark.
Three balloons. Three cursed balloons.
She stomped over and forcefully spun him around. He flinched and cowered as she bared her fangs. “Explain,” she hissed.
“I- it’s…” he stammered.
This was interrupted by an awfully familiar giggle. Pinkie Pie bounced by and grinned. “Looking good, Vern!” she said, eyeing his cutie mark.
“Thanks, Pinkie!” he called back, but when he looked up to see Chrysalis's expression he quickly ducked his head and continued working.
Chrysalis's jaw moved but no words would come out. Finally, she managed to stammer, “But how-?”
“I grew up on a rock farm,” Pinkie shrugged. “We had lots of tunnels we used to harvest the rocks, and we had a cave-in at least once a week. No biggie.”
Chrysalis managed to sputter a few nonsensical syllables.
“But I’m still not sure I’m on board with your whole invaaasion plan,” Pinkie said. “I’ve been talking with a few changelings and they’re on board with my invasion plan.” She jerked her head towards the changeling Chrysalis had been examining earlier.
Now that Chrysalis had taken a step back, she realized that Vern wasn’t the only one with a Pinkie Pie™ cutie mark. In fact, there were many changelings wearing one.
Many, many changelings.
Chrysalis let out an inequine scream of rage. “Enough!” she roared. “We will settle this like grown ponies!”
***
It was the pride of the previous queen. The Arena was massive, able to hold nearly the whole hive. Here, contests could be decided. Winners would be victorious, losers would fall.
And this contest was among the most ancient of contests. Since time immemorial, it had been used to settle everything from foals' debates to diplomatic events.
The female changeling who was acting as announcer trotted into the center of the arena. She cast a spell on her voice box, and then rotated to address the whole crowd.
“Fillies and gentlelings!” she called. “We are gathered here today to decide which plan we will follow. Our queen’s invaaasion...”
There was a smattering of applause, but also a chorus of boos. Chrysalis scowled from her position in the tunnel
“Or Pinkie Pie’s party invasion!”
Cheers rang out, echoing off the stone walls.
“In the black corner, we have our own regent, the one, the only, Queen Chrysaliiiis!”
Chrysalis trotted out, head held high as she headed to the center ring. The applause was weak, and she scowled.
As she neared, she realized that the announcer was wearing a referee’s shirt. Chrysalis cocked her head. Where had she gotten that?
The changeling sheepishly pointed towards Pinkie. Chrysalis glared at her, then Pinkie, then the changeling again.
The changeling blushed slightly and rotated again. “And in the green corner, we have our own invader who made her way into our hive and into our hearts, Pinkie Piiiie!”
Pinkie bounced out, wearing a bright pink robe and a towel over her head. She bounded up to the center line. She peeked up from under the towel and gave Chrysalis a bright smile.
Chrysalis scowled again.
“You know the rules,” the changeling said. “I will count to three, and on three, each contestant will throw one of three symbols, Water, Fire, or Tree. Water puts out Fire, Fire burns Tree, and Tree absorbs Water. We will play best of five rounds. Ties will be rethrown. Are there any questions?”
Chrysalis shook her head, intentionally not breaking eye contact with Pinkie.
Pinkie had no such inhibitions, and she blinked freely. She reared up and tossed her head, shedding the robe and towel.
“Then begin. One, two, three!”
Chrysalis laid her hoof flat, for water. She looked, and to her pleasant surprise, Pinkie held one hoof up, reversed, in fire. Chrysalis chuckled triumphantly.
The announcer shuffled her hooves slightly, but other than that she seemed unperturbed. “Ready? One, two, three!”
Chrysalis threw up a hoof, forming a tree. Pinkie held out her hoof flat for water. Chrysalis laughed.
Now visibly shaken, the announcer began again. “Ready? One, two, three!”
Chrysalis threw water and closed her eyes. She almost couldn’t bear to look.
But peek she did, and Pinkie’s hoof was up, reversed, in fire.
“Ha!” Chrysalis proclaimed, shooting to her hooves and pointing triumphantly at Pinkie. “I win! You lose! I win! My idea wins!” She danced around, pointing repeatedly and derogatively at her opponent
“I’ve never seen you so happy,” Pinkie said brightly, apparently unaffected by her loss.
“Of course I’m happy, you fool!” Chrysalis said. “Take her back to the cells. We have an invaaasion to throw!”
***
Chrysalis licked her fangs as she took in the sight of Canterlot. It was like a nice, ripe mango, ready to be sliced open and fed on.
At least, that’s probably what it was like. She didn’t particularly care for mangos. Or any pony food, for that matter.
She shook her head. She was becoming as random as that Pinkie Pie. She turned around and faced her changelings. “It is time!” she called. “Changelings! Feed!”
The changelings obeyed, swooping down and scattering among the citizens. Chrysalis grinned maliciously as a changeling walked up to a quivering pony… and held out a carrot dog in offering.
Chrysalis blinked. “Huh?”
Her confusion was only compounded when she saw Delta Squadron pulling what appeared to be an enormous grill. Standing on this grill was Pinkie Pie, wearing an apron that read ‘nuzzle the cook’ and a comically large chef’s hat. She was everywhere, flipping mushroom, salting mushrooms, rotating carrot dogs, and all with precision and a wide smile on her face.
Chrysalis stared. She was vaguely aware of another pony approaching, but she was too stunned to do anything.
Celestia herself stepped forward beside Chrysalis. “What is going on?” she asked, almost desperately.
Chrysalis looked back at her. “I have no idea,” she said defeatedly. She sank to her stomach and placed her face in her forelegs. “I have no idea.”
***
Twilight looked down over the balcony. The street cleaning ponies continued their work sweeping up the confetti and other trash. Changelings lounged about, laughing and leaning on one another. Apparently, the excess of love energy they had received had had somewhat of an intoxicating effect.
“So it turns out that most ponies will forgive just about anything for free food,” Twilight observed distastefully.
“Can you blame them, though?” Rainbow asked, her mouth full. “Those mushrooms were delicious.”
“Thanks, Rainbow!” Pinkie’s voice came. She pronked into the castle, still wearing that wide smile.
Fluttershy flew over and gave her a hug. “Pinkie! You’re a hero! You saved Canterlot! Woo hoo!”
“I am? I did?” Pinkie asked. “Whee!” she cheered, throwing her hooves up in the air.
“Indeed,” a new voice broke in.
Everypony spun around to see Celestia. Behind her stood Chrysalis, head bowed but unchained.
“It seems that the changelings have started the process of ingratiating themselves into our culture,” Celestia said. “Frankly, I’d say that if they keep cooking like that, they’ll be welcomed with open arms.”
Pinkie grinned widely.
“But that won’t be easy,” Celestia warned. “After all, not everypony likes grilled mushrooms. I think it would be fitting if there was a pony assigned to help them transfer. Somepony who knew a lot of ponies and would always have a good attitude about everything.”
“Where are you gonna find a pony like that?” Pinkie asked.
Celestia cracked a smile. “I am talking about you, Pinkie Pie.”
“Whoa! That sounds exciting!” Pinkie said.
Chrysalis groaned. “Are you certain there wasn’t more room in the dungeon?” she asked hopefully.
Celestia gave Chrysalis a little, un-princess-y nudge on the flank. “Oh, I’m certain it wasn’t all that bad,” she said.
“Well, I suppose. I mean… I found her presence… tolerable,” Chrysalis admitted grudgingly. Her next line was mumbled. “Perhaps this integration things might work.”
Pinkie bounded up and kissed her right on the forehead. “Don’t worry, Chryssi; I’ll always be here when you need me.” She turned and bounced away, humming to herself.
“I- Don’t call me Chryssi!” Chrysalis scowled.
“Sorry, Chryssi!” Pinkie called back.
Chrysalis growled, but for the first time in a long time, the edges of her lips curled up into a genuine smile.
Perhaps this wouldn’t be so bad.
