chapter 1, Soldier's boot camp part 1
"This is NOT a painis cupcake!" Soldier yells, Pinkie not even flinching "Well, I asked Pyro what that was so I made what he said it was!"
Soldier grumbles and bites into the cupcake "Though why it needed Scout's armpit hairs Is a mystery to me."
Soldier chokes and retches before glaring from underneath his helmet "That is NOT funny!"
Muffled laughter emanates from the back of the shop followed by Pinkie's giggles "Sorry, I just did as I was told to, I put that in there for texture." she erupts into a fit of laughter and falls over, Soldier grumbling before pulling out his rocket launcher and blasting through the doors.
He runs through the Everfree, dodging deadly flora and fauna with the grace of a juggernaut, his target getting closer "Victory for the RED team!" he yells, grabbing the butter yellow pegasus.
"Ahem!" a voice says, followed by whirring.
Soldier raises his helmet and gulps "Step avay from zhe Flootershy and I promise you no pain" Medic says, his medigun buzzing from behind Heavy, who grins "Put the poony down, do not, and I promise you pain without end."
Soldier groans and whips out his rocket launcher "You'll never take me alive you commies!' he blasts the ground, flying away.
"Uhm... I'm right here..." Fluttershy says, exiting her cottage
Medic lowers his medigun "Vait... if Flootershy is here, zhen who does Soldier have?"
"Now I got you, cupcake! Time to turn you into a secret weapon!" Soldier gloats
"I think not." Fluttershy smirks, turning into Spy "You are an amateur and a fool Soldier!" He stabs Soldier in the neck, grabbing his parachute and jumping.
"Uuuughhhh... I suck." he groans and tosses his rocket launcher away "I can never get that pony, I need to turn these ponies into killing machines but the yellow one is protected by the commies, the white one is too prissy, the pink one is... Ehhhhh..." he shudders "The blue one talks back, the orange one works on that farm, with Engie, and the purple one asks too many questions! I need Ponies who are impressionable, but destructive! Where can I find such ponies..."
(BOOOOOM!)
"WHEEEEEE!!!!! We're flying!!!" a white blur yells, followed by 2 others "Why does stuff always blow up?!" says one "Whoo-hoo! Rampant and pointless destruction!!" says the other
"Hmmm... where am I gonna find such ponies..." he mutters when he pulls out his shovel, slamming it on his helmet "That's It!" He laughs evilly "That plan cannot fail!"
"Tell me where I can find impressionable, destructive ponies!" He yells, slamming his fists on the table.
Twilight looks up from her book "First you kick down my door and spit in my face, but now you want me to help you create destructive weapons? Are you a complete idiot or just joking?"
Sniper comes out from behind a shelf "Yeah, he's just that stupid Don't worry, just ignore him and he'll go away."
"I will not you Aussie PRICK! Go back to your kangaroo wife and kids!"
Sniper shrugs "Even if I do, it doesn't change the fact you are a tiny wanker with no life."
Twilight groans "GUYS! Stop arguing! Look, you want destructive and impressionable ponies? Go find the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
Soldier salutes "Thank you purple pony!"
When he leaves Sniper squats to Twilight's level "Are you sure that was a good idea? I mean, I dislike Soldier as much as most but... putting him in the same place as those three?"
Twilight sighs "I know... I'll sand their sisters letters and warn the construction crew... and my insurance agent." she looks up at Sniper "Do you really have a kangaroo wife?"
He snorts "Nah, I just keep a picture of me favorite animal in me wallet for good luck... along with yours of course*." he kisses the unicorn's snout, earning a blush "Oh stop..."
Arriving at the CMC clubhouse, Soldier pulls out his horn, blowing a long note "Sound off!"
Sweetie Belle sticks her head out "Hey guys! It's that muscular human that yells a lot!"
"That describes 'bout half of 'em Sweetie" Applebloom deadpans and Sweetie turns to reply "I know that! I meant the one that blows stuff up a lot!"
"The Demo guy? I gotta warn mah sister! Last time he was here he bought all the cider!"
"Or is it the one with the funny metal hat?" Scootaloo asks, peering out the window "Hey! I was right!"
Soldier clicks his boots "Hello impressionable and destructive ponies! I am here to teach you how to be powerful weapons! And lessons start NOW!"
Engineer walks out from the trees "Now what's with all the yelling? Can't a guy play his guitar in piece?" He frowns upon seeing Soldier "Now get out of here you clueless SOB"
"Negatory 'Partner'! I am here to turn these ponies into weapons of mass destruction!"
Engineer face-palms "Son... you're a few strips short of a plate of bacon ain't ya? Lissen here, ponies do not want to be weapons or destructive, that just happens in these fillies' cases. I know them personally and if you think I am going to let you touch them you are sorely mistaken"
"Bye Mister Engineer!" Sweetie says, having been grabbed by Soldier.
"Hm? Oh, bye! Wait a- Dagnabbit nag dab nabbit!" he chases after them and clutches his chest before collapsing "For an... angry nut job... he sure can run" he wipes his forehead "I'm out of shape..."
Soldier sets the three fillies on the ground "All right, lesson 1, History!"
Scootaloo groans "But I hate history!"
"So do I, amen." Soldier mutters "The history of war! It all starts with a man named Sun Tzu, who invented combat! And then he perfected it so that no one could best him in the ring of honor! Then he used his fight money to buy two of every animal, herded them onto a boat, and beat the crap out of each and every one of them!" he chuckles "And every time a bunch of animals are in one place. It's called a ZOO!" he pauses "Unless it's a farm!"
Sweetie raises her hoof "Yes little white pony?!"
"Uh... I've read the 'Art of war' and that never happened."
Soldier scoffs "And do you believe everything you read?"
"Well, usually yes-"
"That's good, FOR A NERD!"
"I am not a nerd! I just happen to know what Sun Tzu actually wrote!" Sweetie replies indignantly.
Applebloom shrugs "Does it matter? I mean, why argue about it when-"
"I get it! Sun TZU and ZOO!" Scootaloo chuckles
"You get it, that's good, amen. Now for weapons training!"
"Ah can't lift this!" Applebloom grunts, trying to lift her bazooka.
"Then try harder! Then succeed, then blast the target!"
"Uh... can I not be the target?" Scout asks, struggling to escape the rope.
"Negative, your mouth wrote checks, my students will cash them!" Soldier replies.
"Mister Soldier? How are we supposed to pull the trigger? We don't have fingers" Scootaloo asks.
Soldier groans "I did not ask for such incompetent ponies! You pull the trigger with your magic!"
"But I suck at magic!" Sweetie says and Applebloom groans under the weight of the bazooka "T-Too heavy!"
Soldier sighs "How about shotguns then?"
Applebloom grins "Ah can lift this!"
"Good! Now! Shoot the black, Scottish Cyplops in his weak spot!" Soldier commands, pointing at Demoman.
Sweetie raise her hoof.
"What is it Private Unicorn?!"
"Is his weak spot his eye?"
Soldier pauses "His eye... good idea... no, it's his tiny Scottish balls!"
Demo looks up from his drunken slump "Not meh balls... I need them fer... stu-AH BLOODY 'ELL! ME SPLEEN!"
Scootaloo shrugs "I missed... he'll be okay right?"
Soldier smiles and hefts Scootaloo onto his shoulder "Now THAT is what I want to see! Come on you two, PICK IT UP!"
Applebloom shrugs and levels her rifle at the cardboard cut-out of Medic "Here goes nuthin'..." she removes her bow and ties it around the trigger, and pulls back, hitting the cut out in the stomach "I did it!"
The cut-out whirs to action "50 points!"
"Not bad for a trainee." Soldier lifts her onto his shoulder, which she climbs onto "Wow... you're almost as tall as Sniper or mister mesma.... mermer..."
"Merasmus" Sweetie corrects, leveling her gun at the scout, who is shivering "Please not my balls, there are so many hot single moms I have yet to date... I need my balls for that... I like my balls, please little pony, don't shoot my... Uh, a little low there... why not take a shot at Scotty there? He doesn't use his balls"
Soldier grins "How would you know MAGGOT**!?"
"Uh, I would just assume dat being drunk all the time would leave no time for actual use and not dat I care if he does or doesn't I just- hey, where'd the unicorn go?" Sweetie Belle approaches him "Look, I don't wanna shoot you, but if I don't I may fail and I haven't failed anything so far... So I'll aim for your knees okay?"
Scout stares at her "You, are, adorable. but I kinda need my knees to run so... could you aim for my arm? Those break easy" she nods and turn around, winking "And no matter how many times you may want to take me to the gun show, you don't have any caliber!" she levels her gun and shoots, her gun suddenly dipping and nailing him in the gonads "F-F-F-F-F... Oh dat hurts..." his voice jumps several octaves "Mommy..."
Soldier falls over laughing and Scout glares "If I had my bat I would end you... you were supposed to hit my arms, not my... my..." he chokes out, and retching and moaning "Oh god, little white unicorn, why? What did I ever do to you?"
Soldier grins "That's what you get for being a hippie!"
Scootaloo and Applebloom jump off his shoulders, and untie Scout, Sweetie weeping "I'm sorry mister Scout! I didn't mean to hit you! I'm sorry!!"
Scout looks at her, drool and vomit caking his teeth "It's all right little unicorn... I can go and meet my dad now..."
RED spy appears and hisses "Merde... your mother will not like the news... but I suppose one missed date taking care of her idiot son will work in my favor" he picks Scout up and disappears.
"Well, I suppose that ends today's lesson! What have we learned?" Soldier asks, turning away.
"That Sun Tzu is an awesome writer and shooting is wrong!" Scootaloo says, saluting
"That humans are easy to kidnap?" Applebloom asks, scratching her head
Soldier turns "NO! No no no NO! That is NOT what you were supposed to learn! Private unicorn! what were they supposed to learn?!"
"That hitting others in the gonads is wrong... hippies are the enemy except when they are your... friends? And that Soldier has an... awesome... haircut" she salutes weakly, tears rolling down her face.
"That is correct! Now it is time for the ICE CREAM!" He marches away
In the hospital, Scout opens his eyes, a blurry face looking down at him "Dad?"
The face snorts and clears up "Non, it is I, RED Spy, How do you feel?"
Scout groans "Horrible... are my nuts okay?"
Spy hisses "Yes... about your... genitals... they were too badly damaged so... they were removed but you were given new ones... just... not like the ones you had"
Scout shoots up, a surge of pain racing up his back "Please tell me the doc didn't give me monkey nuts or something"
"No... though that would be an improvement on your tiny ones... steroids and BONK! will shrink them you know." Scout glares "What? Did he give me goldfish balls? Snake balls? DOG BALLS?! PLEASE! NOT DOG BALLS!" Scout covers his face "I'll never get laid if I have dog balls..."
Spy hisses "What about no balls at all?"
Scout shoots straight up, eyes wide "No. Don't even joke about dat you french bastard."
Medic enters, a smile on his face "Vell, another successful procedure! So, how do you feel, Scout?"
Scout stares at him "Like Demo after a night of partying. So, are my balls okay?"
Medic's smile twitches "Jes... vere you too terribly attached to zem?" and Scout chuckles nervously "Is that some kind of joke? Of course I 'Vas attached to zem'! They're my fricken' balls!"
Medic frowns "Voopsies... I made a mistake... but surely being a voman isn't too bad?"
Scout glares "That is not funny doc, and when I check myself, if I do not feel two balls, I am going to end you... !!!" he tears up "My balls... I don't have my balls!"
"Medic, I told you to fix the boy!" Spy says, teeth clenched.
"Und I did! I vixed him!"
"Not that kind of 'Fixed ya moron!" Scout yells.
Medic shrugs "Unfortunately, zhe surgury takes a massive toll on zhe body, I can undo it vunce I get a compatable replacement or use the bacon scraps that vere his balls but it vould take several months for his body to be accepting again"
"So... does that mean I'm..." Scout asks, his voice cracking.
Spy shakes his head "Eunuch for a few months... Merde..."
Medic brushes himself off "Zo, how vill I bill you? Payment vit money, or your body?"
Spy pulls out a card "Bill my insurance, can we take 'It' home?"
"Ja, take him avay, I don't care"
"Do you think Scout is okay?" Sweetie asks, and Soldier nods "Affirmative. so long as Medic isn't bored, he tends to experiment when he's bored."
"Like what?" Scootaloo ask, licking her ice cream.
"Turn men into ladies and ladies into Pyro."
"Mmph mm mph mpmph!" Pyro mutters.
"Pyro is Pyro... I know what Pyro's gender is but... that's a secret." Pinkie says, blowing bubbles at Pyro
Applebloom shivers "How do you eat?"
Pyro shrugs "Mm Mm-MM"
Soldier scratches his head "So... same time next week?"
Author's Note
*yes, I ship Sniper and Twilight, big deal, it's not bestiality if they're both sentient... right?
** you know what he ACTUALLY said right?
The adventures of Merasmus and Trixie!
Merasmus reads over the bombnomicon and Trixie stared at her book of magic "Mind passing Trixie her book of archaic mumbo-jumbo?"
With a snap of fingers, a book appears next to her "Thanks."
"Pass Merasmus his soda please." the bottle floats over to him "Thank you Trixie."
This is how their days go, either that or arguing about who deserves to be called "Great and powerful" by themselves.
But not this day.
The cart rocks as a loud explosion rips through the contemplative silence, startling the powder-blue unicorn and her tall human partner
"What in the name of Bonzo is going on?!" Merasmus yells, pulling his unconscious friend from a pile of books "Thanks Merasmus." Trixie says, adjusting her mane
"I have a feeling Soldier is involved in this someh-" the door opens and smiling with three fillies on his shoulders is Soldier "Hello Merasmus! Hello, pretty blue unicorn!"
They both growl "Soldier! Get away from Merasmus/Trixie!"
Still grinning, he pulls out an angry raccoon "And to think that I brought Lieutenant Bites"
Merasmus cringes "I want nothing to do with your flea-ridden, sour cream sniffing vermin! It is because of them, and you killing my last roommate, that Merasmus must live in a cart with a unicorn! No offense Trixie."
Trixie shrugs "It may not be much, but it belongs to Trixie and Merasmus, but it is mostly Trixie's."
Sweetie Belle looks around inside "Looks like you live in there."
"The life of a traveling show mare and a 6000 year old wizard leaves little time to rest in a house." Trixie says, pushing the filly out.
Applebloom snorts "Y'all haven't left in a month."
Merasmus scoffs "We haven't left because we have been trying to decipher several ancient tomes written by Merasmus millenia ago!"
"Or because magic is for sissies and Canadians" Soldier says, petting Lieutenant Bites.
Both Trixie and Merasmus gasp "Magic is a serious art you imbecilic troglodyte!"
Trixie lights her horn and Merasumus touches it with his staff "AMPLUS TRIPUDIO!" Soldier is enveloped by light "I AM SCARED, YOU MAGGOT!!"
The light dies and where Soldier stood is a pile of clothes and a scorched helmet.
"MISTER DOE!" The Crusaders yell, weeping.
"Stop blubbering like a bunch of bleeding heart liberals, ladies! I am not dead!" a lump in Soldier's clothing yells.
"Trixie... I thought we agreed to give him a tiny head so it would match his tiny brain" Merasmus says, looking down at his pony friend.
Trixie looks up "I thought we were going to give him a big head so we could knock it off his neck and use it as a projectile against the library"
A raccoon claws out of the clothing "Why is everyone so big?"
Scootaloo blinks "Mister Doe?"
The raccoon salutes "Yes Suddenly Large Private Pegasus?"
Applebloom sighs "It's him..."
Merasmus falls over laughing "This is rich! We turned him into a raccoon!"
Soldier glares at Merasmus "You will turn me back now, wizard!"
Trixie shakes her head, giggling "No way Soldier, now you get be how we see you as, an annoying rodent."
Soldier growls and turns to Sweetie Belle "Private Unicorn! Turn me back now!"
Sweetie shakes her head "I don't know how... I'm sorry..."
He throws up his paws in annoyance "I hate magic... well, I guess it could be worse,"
Merasmus stops his laughing "How so?"
Trixie grins "Yes, tell us how it could be worse,"
Soldier grins "I could be a-" The crusaders grab him and run towards town ,
"- And that is why Mister Doe is a raccoon" Applebloom finishes, Scootaloo carrying him on her back in a makeshift saddle "Get closer to the dragon, noble steed! I wish to hit him with my sword!" He yells, swinging a knife around,
Spike sighs "Come on guys, stop- OW! That hurt!" Soldier swings his "Sword" at Spike again "Cut it out!"
Sniper laughs "I have to agree with Merasmus on this one Twilight, let him live like that, at least as a raccoon he can't blow stuff up."
Soldier jerks the reigns and glares at Sniper "You are a cowardly bush-baby and you will die like one."
He smirks and pulls out a jar of yellow liquid "Wanna bet mate?"
"No, I do not" he points at Spike who is gasping for breath "CHAAAAAAAARRRGGGEEE!!!"
Twilight glares at Sniper "We talked about this Sniper!"
He opens the jar and sips it "What? It's just lemonade"
Twilight sighs and turns back to Applebloom "I wish I could help... but I don't understand Merasmus' magic and I could make it worse if I tried."
Soldier pulls back on the reigns and Scootaloo spits out the bit "You could warn me when you're gonna jerk on the reigns!"
"Sorry Private Pegasus!" he turns to Twilight "Then could you turn me into a pretty pink unicorn?"
She blinks "What? Why?"
"So that I may be the most prettiest unicorn!"
Her jaw drops "I... I don't... what?"
Sniper falls over laughing "Do it Twilight! Do it!"
She shrugs "All right... If it will make you happy..." her horn glows and Soldier is enveloped by light and Scootaloo grunts "Couldn't you have waited until he was off me?!"
The light dims and standing on top of Scootaloo is a pretty pink unicorn "I am the prettiest unicorn!"
Sniper pauses and laughs harder, clutching his chest "You being the 'Prettiest' is up for debate..." Twilight mutters
Sweetie salutes and Soldier looks at the three fillies "Am I not the prettiest unicorn?"
Scootaloo salutes and Applebloom stares at him "Mah sister was wrong, stallions can be pretty."
He glares "In this man's unicorn army, you clomp your hooves when a superior officer addresses you!"
Twilight shakes her head "What have I done?"
He stomps his hooves and turns to the door "FORWARD MARCH!"
The Crusaders follow and Spike crawls out from his hiding place "Is he gone?"
Sniper coughs, still laughing "Yeh... but I wonder where he's going..."
He returns and salutes Twilight "I am off to prove that I am prettier than the white unicorn!"
Spike's eyes shrink "That was one pretty unicorn... wait, Rarity!" he shoots out the door after them.
Twilight sighs loudly "I hate Soldier."
"We all do prettiest unicorn, we all do" Sniper says, petting her mane.
"COMPANY... HALT!" They stop in front of Carousel Boutique and march in.
"Good after... Who might you be?" Rarity rubs her eyes "What are you doing here, Crusaders and... who are you?"
"I am the prettiest unicorn!" Soldier yells.
Rarity blinks "Okay... would you like to place an order or-"
"I am here to defeat you in unarmed combat to prove that I am the prettiest unicorn! Then I will go defeat the other pretty white unicorn with wings to be the most pretty unicorn AGAIN!"
She blinks again "O...kay... I do not wish to fight but-" a shot erupts from behind her, a hole appearing in front of Soldier "I think not you gun-crazy fool!"
Rarity turns "Spy! What have I said about firing your gun inside?!"
Spy snorts "I was protecting you from this oaf m'lady."
She scoffs "I can handle myself thank you. Now then, I do not wish to fight but I will accept your challen-OOF!" Soldier punches Rarity, cutting her off "I won!"
Rarity growls "No you haven't you uncouth fool!" her horn lights up and envelopes her hoof "BEGONE!" she punches Soldier in the face, launching him out the door "I AM STILL THE PRETTIEST UNICORN!!!!!" he hells, sailing through the air.
"Pass the salt Trixie" Merasmus says, and she nods "I cannot believe that we were able to turn Soldier into a raccoon" Trixie snickers.
Merasmus nods "But knowing him, he will find a way to annoy us somehow."
"Oh stop being such a pessimist Merasmus. We put up a force field that stops anyone from disturbing us. We have good food, good drink, and good friends... uh... each other"
"What does that make me? Chopped liver?" The bombnomicon says, levitating above the table.
"SHUT UP BOMBNOMICON!" they say in unison.
"All right, all right, sheesh"
(WHUMP!)
"... Soldier?" Trixie asks.
Merasmus cups his head and nods slowly "Most likely."
"MERASMUS!!!!"
He slams his fist on the table "If I ignore him, he will go away."
"MERASMUUUS!"
"Go away go away go away go away go away go away..." he mutters.
"MER! AS! MUS!!!!!"
"WHAT?! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT FROM MERASMUS?! WHAT IS IT?!" he yells, staring down at Soldier "I am the prettiest unicorn... just thought you should know."
Merasmus frowns "No. You are an idiot who looks like a unicorn."
Trixie steps out and smirks "So he thinks he is a pretty unicorn, hm? Well, I suppose that he has beaten the most pretty unicorn in all of Equestria?"
"I have! Then she punched me here!"
"That is funny, Trixie does not remember punching you."
Soldier shakes his head "I said pretty, not homeless."
Trixie scoffs "You call Trixie homeless? I thought that since you blew up your soggy cardboard box you were homeless."
Soldier grins "I bought a castle of ostrich horror in Canterlot last week."
Trixie's and Merasmus' jaws drop "HOW?! You are unemployed!"
"I am a good friend of the pretty blue pegasus-unicorn pony! She rented a castle to me and my raccoons and my bread to me which I then bought!"
Merasmus chokes "YOU are friends with Princess Luna?!"
Soldier nods "I am!"
Trixie scoffs "Fine then, we still have jobs."
"Yeah, stealing food." The bombnomicon says before being blasted by both wizards.
"A noble job." Soldier salutes and turns to leave before transforming into his human form.
"TRIXIE'S EYES! TRIXIE'S EYES HAVE BEEN RUINED! TRIXIE CANNOT SEE BUT CAN SENSE YOUR BUTT STILL STARING AT HER!" she covers her eyes and Merasmus erupts into flames "YOUR BUTT HAS SET MERASMUS ABLAZE!!!!! AAAAUUUGGGGHHH!!"
Soldier looks at his hands "Huh... I am not a pretty unicorn anymore..."
Merasmus waves his staff and Soldier disappears in a cloud of smoke "HIS BUTT IS GONE BUT YOU ARE STILL ON FIRE AND TRIXIE IS STILL BLIND!"
They both run in circles around the cart, The bombnomicon looking amused "And to think all I did was undo the magic."
Twilight sighs and rubs her head "Okay, the town isn't burning to the ground, the sky isn't raining gasoline, and the library is still standing... today might just be one of those days where nothing went horribly wrong."
Sniper laughs "You worry too much, just sit back and relax."
She turns to him "How can you relax when Soldier is a unicorn with access to magic?"
Sniper sighs "From what I understand, magic requires patience, skill, and intelligence to use, all things Soldier lacks in spades."
"Then explain Trixie and Merasmus."
"Merasmus is old and stupid, but skillful. Trixie is intelligent but not very skillful or patient. so together they make one master wizard... whenever they agree." Sniper replies, grinning at Twilight.
Twilight blinks "You planned that answer in advance didn't you?"
Sniper winks "Yup, and that proves how predictable you are, prettiest unicorn."
Twilight blushes and growls "St-stop complimenting me when I'm trying to be mad at you!"
He pats her head "Never... now look outside, nothing went wrong in the five minutes that you spent arguing with me. Nothing. To. Worry. About"
Twilight sighs "I hate it when you're right."
He smiles "Come on, let's go get something sweet to eat, you're getting cranky."
"I'm not cranky, I'm just vigilant..." she mutters, following the tall human.
"And Jarate is really karate in a jar."
*Throne room, Canterlot*
"Am I pretty unicorn again?" Soldier asks, looking around.
"... Hello handsome" someone says from behind him.
Soldier turns and standing behind him is Celestia, looking amused.
"Hello pretty winged unicorn princess!" he salutes.
"Why are you naked? Not that I mind, but why?"
"I was a pretty pink unicorn! Then I wasn't! Now I'm here!"
Celestia ponders this "How did you get here?"
"Merasmus and pretty blue unicorn wizard poofed me here!"
"... You can stop saluting soldier." Celestia smiles "And I see that you are over compensating with your weapons."
Soldier grumbles and looks around "You aren't using that curtain are you?"
She smiles, slightly strained "I am, let me get your uniform." with a flash of magic, Soldier is dressed and scratching his head "Magic feels funny."
"Is there anything else Soldier?"
He salutes and marches out of the room, Celestia sighing in relief "I do worry about having thiose mercenaries around but Luna vouches for them... 'Pretty blue unicorn wizard'? I wonder who that could be..."
Trixie sneezes, startling Merasmus "Somepony must be talking about Trixie, but when you are as great and powerful as she is, who can help it?"
"Everyone you've ever met and their neighbor" the Bombnomicon say, whom is quickly blasted by the unicorn "Shut up book, this is why Trixie never reads manuals, like the one for her cart... and like that funny stallion that lives in the box on the hill."
"I thought it was you were illiterate" replies the Bombnomicon.
"TRIXIE IS NOT ILLITERATE! MERASMUS! BOOK TRIXIE!" she yells, Merasmus levitates a book from the shelf.
"Trixie will show you... uh..." her face screws up "...Merasmus, what is this word?"
"'Illiterate'"
"Right! Wait... are you making fun of Trixie?"
"No, the sentence is, 'very few ponies now, in this day and age, are illiterate with the exception of the ignorant.'" Merasmus says before smirking "I guess they were talking about you."
"I know somepo- HEY!" she blasts the wizard next to her, the magic deflected by his palm "Merasmus kids you Trixie."
"You better be..." she growls before sighing "Where did we send Soldier?"
"Canterlot, I hope that princess of yours evaporated him when he mooned her." Marasmus groans "But knowing our luck, she spared him."
Trixie sighs "I know, maybe we should just get a restrain-"
"Did that, he snapped the necks of all of the police."
"Hire demons to-"
"Did that too, same result" Merasmus sighs.
"Get his teammates to-"
"They hate me too for trying to kill them and Soldier when he turned my castle back on earth into a raccoon sanctuary, evicted me,
and killed me in the span of 5 minutes. And if we kill him, he will come back stronger... and we can't sue him, I made him into a lawyer, then a priest, then a used car salesman, mechanic, rocket scientist, and general of an army of rubber ducks that somehow came to life and decimated 5 small towns, leaving blood, soap bubbles, and carnage in their wake... I have tried EVERYTHING! I've lived for more than 6 thousand years and the one thing I regret is meeting him!"
Trixie pats his back "It's okay, I have lived for 20 and I regret meeting Twilight Sparkle... and wheels, they are evil"
Merasmus looks down at his friend "If you were 5900 years older, I would kiss you... and weren't a pony... and-"
"You are ruining the moment, Merasmus." Trixie says.
"Right... thanks." he looks around "Want to go turn all the flour in Ponyville into sand?"
She smiles "And all the baked goods into rocks?"
Merasmus smirks "Merasmus likes your plot Trixie."
Trixie blushes and pulls her cape down "Merasmus! Trixie had no idea!"
"Your plan, rather."
"Trixie knows, you go on ahead, Trixie will lock the cart and put up the Soldier barrier."
Merasmus nods and disappears in a cloud of smoke.
Trixie enters the cart and whimpers "S-someday... Someday Trixie will have somepony or someone who will love her..."
Author's Note
Hello! another Tf2 and pony short by me!
I know this was mostly soldier but it focused on the two most powerful wizards in both worlds and their distaste for anyone that isn't them
and as for the ending... I did not plan that, but I am not complaining about it
enjoy!
