Tactical Esponyage Action

by alexmagnet

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 4064

While waiting to surprise Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie spies a mysterious box that seems to move whenever she's not looking. Clearly this bears further investigation.

During her morning routine of surprising her friends, Pinkie Pie happens to spot a mysterious box that seems to move whenever she's not looking. To a pony so thoroughly grounded in reality as Pinkie Pie, it's unthinkable that a box could move on its own, so she decides to put on her deerstalker hat and investigate.

This is all Seattle's Angels' fault. Those guys are the worst.

Published 2014-10-28 04:10:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-28 04:10:08 UTC

Potacon

As was usual for her, Pinkie Pie was spending the morning following her friends around surreptitiously, just for the fun of it. It was all part of an elaborate and laborious routine that she endured to maintain her image of being everywhere at once. It wasn’t easy, in fact, to convince somepony that you were both at Sweet Apple Acres and Sugar Cube Corner, but Pinkie had been managing that illusion for years now, and it’s not like she was going to stop any time soon. It was much too fun.

Anyway, none of that is really important, it just explains why Pinkie was currently inside Fluttershy’s chicken coop watching for her friend to return from getting the mail. Once the mare had gotten close enough, Pinkie would jump out and surprise her, like she did every morning. At least, that was the plan.

Peering out the tiny window—that was more decorative than functional since, after all, it was for chickens and not ponies—Pinkie waited patiently for Fluttershy to arrive. However, soon something else caught her eye. Rather than spotting the bouncing pink mane of her pegasus pal, Pinkie spied a curious object hiding in the bushes across the way.

She cocked her head to the side a bit in curiosity, waiting for it to move again, whatever it was. There was a rustling of leaves, then the dull brown corner of a cardboard box poked out of the bush, sticking out rather conspicuously. Pinkie’s eyes widened as she stared. The box shook, then squeezed a bit further out of the bush, now about half inside half out.

“What in the…” Pinkie mumbled, frowning.

Clearly this was a subject worth investigating. After all, boxes didn’t just go around moving on their own. It was unheard of. It was probably some sort of evil witchcraft, or a particularly wicked prank. Either way, Investigator Pinkie Pie was on the case, and she wasn’t going to rest until the mystery of the miraculous moving mox was solved. Mox, of course, because box didn’t fit the alliteration, and really, what was the point otherwise?

Squished in between the rows of chicken nests, Pinkie tried to squeeze her way out of the coop. After a bit of struggle, she popped out, rather ungracefully landing in a pool of mud just outside the little house. Blowing a raspberry, Pinkie, spit the mud out, quickly getting up to look for the box. Inexplicably, it was no longer half hiding in the bush, instead, it was nowhere to be seen.

Pinkie fell back on her haunches, her front hooves crossed. “Shoot… lost it,” she muttered.

“Um, hi, Pinkie,” came the familiar voice of Fluttershy. Looking up, Pinkie saw Fluttershy leaning over the wooden gate and looking at her with a confused expression on her face. Holding her mail in a bag, Fluttershy glanced around, then back at Pinkie, saying, “Nice morning, isn’t it?”

Pinkie sighed, picking herself up and dusting herself off. “Well, there goes thattoo… great. A perfect streak ruined by a box.” She shook her head, then looked at Fluttershy. “Do you see what I have to deal with here?”

Fluttershy’s eyes wandered before falling back on Pinkie. “Um… no. I guess I don’t see.”

Letting out a sigh, Pinkie clicked her tongue then bounced out of the enclosure and back on to the path where Fluttershy was. She sidled up next to her friend, then pat her on the back, saying, “It’s okay, Fluttershy. Nopony does.” Spinning around, she walked off, leaving Fluttershy standing in bewilderment.

Fluttershy remained still for a moment, then said, “...What?” But by that time, Pinkie was already long gone.

Trotting across the tiny bridge outside Fluttershy’s cottage, Pinkie headed back towards town, all thoughts of mysterious boxes all but forgotten in her haste to reach her next stakeout point. She wasn’t going to let one minor mishap ruin the rest of her day, and it’s not like Twilight was going to surprise herself. Actually… she might, since it wouldn’t be the first time she’d time travelled to the past and surprised herself, but that was the beside the point. The point was—Whoa, wait.

Pinkie froze, standing perfectly still as she watched the corner of a box peek out from behind a tree. Her eyes went wide. Crouching as low as she could, Pinkie hid like a cat waiting for its prey to make a move. For an eternity and a half, the two remained perfectly still, then a voice broke the silence.

“What’cha doin’, Pink?”

Her limbs tensing in surprise, Pinkie rolled over and looked up, spying Rainbow Dash leaning over the edge of a cloud with a confused expression on her face. Pinkie let her legs fall limp with a sigh. “Don’t scare me like that,” she said, shaking her head.

Rainbow Dash chuckled, rubbing the back of her neck. “Sorry, I was just wondering what you were doing laying in the dirt in the middle of the road. Like, I know it’s you, but…”

“I wasn’t laying in the dirt, I was—” Pinkie gasped, quickly rolling over. She scanned the treeline for any signs of cardboard, but the box had mysteriously disappeared again. Groaning, Pinkie threw her head back. “Not again!”

“Something up?” asked Rainbow Dash, cocking her head to the side.

“It’s nothing,” said Pinkie, standing up and dusting herself off yet again. “It’s just… nothing.”

Rainbow Dash nodded slowly. “All righty then, whatever you say, dude. Hey, we’re still meeting up at Fluttershy’s later for pet hangout thing, or whatever, right?”

Pinkie frowned. “Huh? Oh, yeah, that.” She nodded. “Yeppers, I’m going to get Gummy right now, after I take care of something.”

“Whatever, dude. Catch ya later.” Spreading her wings, Rainbow leapt off the cloud and flew away, off towards the town.

Rubbing her chin with a hoof, Pinkie said, “Curiouser and curiouser. Hmm, well if there’s one pony, besides me, who can solve mysteries, it’s Twilight. Good thing I was already planning on meeting her anyway.” With a satisfied nod of her head, Pinkie made haste towards the Golden Oaks Library.

Pinkie hammered her hoof against Twilight’s door, rattling the frame. “Twilight! Twilight!” she cried in a shouting whisper.

Some very angry-sounding hoofsteps came from the other side of the door, then a second a later the door swung open, causing Pinkie to tumble inside. Laying on her back, she stared up at Twilight. Frowning, Twilight looked down at her. With a raised eyebrow, she asked, “Yes?”

“Twilight!” hissed Pinkie, quickly rolling over onto her hooves. Grabbing Twilight’s head and pointing it out the door, Pinkie used a hoof to point across the street. “Look! Do you see it?”

Her face squished between Pinkie’s hoof and face, Twilight sighed. “No… I don’t see anything.” Extricating herself from Pinkie’s grasp, Twilight said, “Pinkie, what’s wrong with you? I mean besides the usual stuff.”

“It’s not me that’s the problem, Twilight. It’s that box!” Pinkie seized Twilight’s head again and pointed her towards the street where a cardboard box was now sitting conspicuously in the middle of the road. “It just came out of nowhere. How is that possible!?” Pinkie pinned her head between her forehooves. “It doesn’t make any sense!”

Twilight pushed Pinkie’s hooves down, frowning at her. “There’s nothing strange about a cardboard box, Pinkie. The only thing strange here is you, not that that’s much of a surprise, really.”

Pinkie pursed her lips, staring Twilight in the eye, unblinking.

“Okay,” said Twilight, holding her hoof up, “it’s a little strange that it seemingly appeared out of nowhere, but that’s not really that weird in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for it. Here, I’ll show you.”

Twilight stepped outside, making her way towards the box, her horn starting to light up. She only made it two feet out the door when Pinkie tackled her to the ground. Throwing the other mare off her, Twilight said, “Pinkie! What the heck?”

“You can’t ruin it, Twilight!” said Pinkie, standing in front of the box with her hooves outstretched.

Twilight’s face contorted into a look of confusion. “Ruin? Ruin what? It’s a box, Pinkie.”

Pinkie shook her head vigorously. “It’s not just any box, Twilight. This box is magical. It’s been following me here since I left Fluttershy’s house.” Grabbing Twilight by the shoulders, Pinkie shook her. “Boxes don’t do that! There’s some kind of voodoo witchcraft interdimensional portal eldritch abomination alien visitation conspiracy theory stuff going on here, Twilight.”

“Pinkie…” said Twilight, slowly pushing the mare off. “None of that even makes any sense. If the box is really moving on its own, which I doubt it is, because boxes don’t do that, then that’s all the more reason to investigate this by, I don’t know, lifting the box up. Now then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to uncover this ‘mystery’,” she said, emphasizing the last word with a roll of her eyes and implied air quotes.

As Twilight tried to walk past her, Pinkie stepped to the side, standing in Twilight’s way once again. When Twilight tried to go the other way, Pinkie moved again, her face deadpan.

“Pinkie, just let me flip this box over.”

Her head cocking to the side a bit, Pinkie said quietly, “I can’t let you do that, Twilight.”

Twilight closed her eyes, sighing. “Why not?”

“Well, duh,” said Pinkie, “because that would ruin the mystery. I didn’t find you so you could flip the box over and ruin everything. I want you to help me stalk this box so we can wait until it reveals its secrets to us.”

“You do realize you’re saying that right in front of the box, right? It can hear you. Do you really think it’s going to give itself up if it knows you’re waiting for it to do that?”

“Twilight, please,” said Pinkie, shaking her head. “It’s a box. Boxes can’t hear things. Don’t be silly.”

Twilight held up her hoof, about to respond, but then let if fall back to the ground with a defeated sigh. “Why even bother?” she muttered to herself. “Okay, fine. Let’s just follow this box around, I guess. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do. Oh wait,” she said, holding a hoof to her cheek in mock surprise, “actually I do. It’s called ‘anything besides this’.”

Pinkie giggle-snorted. “Don’t be silly, Twilight. That’s not a thing.”

Twilight stared at Pinkie for a long time. “You know, Pinkie… sometimes I’m amazed you can even drink water without drowning.”

“Pff,” said Pinkie, waving her hoof dismissively. “It’s not that hard, silly.”

Twilight took a long, slow, and deep breath. She was about to respond to Pinkie, when she noticed something quite odd that caught her eye. “Wait… the box is gone.”

Pinkie whipped around, smacking her tail in Twilight’s face by accident. “See! I told you! It’s weird, isn’t it?”

“All right, I’ll admit that’s a little odd,” conceded Twilight. “But still though, it’s not that—Whoa!” Twilight’s gaze shot upwards, as did her hoof, aiming towards a nearby roof.

Pinkie followed her hoof, noticing that perched atop the gable of an adjacent building was a familiar-looking cardboard box, situated rather ominously like a gargoyle made of corrugated pulp. “How do you explain that, huh?”

Twilight stared at the box in rapt silence for a moment, then her gaze slowly fell back on Pinkie. “Okay… now we’ve officially moved past ‘a little odd’ and we’re firmly entrenched in ‘completely and utterly bizarre’.” Turning to her friend, Twilight said, “Pinkie, get your trilby. We’ve got some investigating to do.”

“Well, duh… that’s why I came here in the first place.”

Twilight did the smartest thing she’d done all day and ignored Pinkie’s comment, instead looking back to the gable, only to find that the box had, once again, disappeared. “Come, Pinkie!” said Twilight, seizing Pinkie by the hoof. “The box is on the move again!”

“Whoa!” Pinkie cried out, being dragged along as Twilight gave chase to the unseen box. When Pinkie realized that Twilight couldn’t possibly know where she was going, she said, “Hey, wait… where are we going?”

Stopping dead in her tracks, Twilight looked around, quickly noticing that she wasn’t in any part of town that she recognized. “Uh, I think I got a little carried away there. Do you know where we are?”

Pinkie broke off from Twilight’s vice-like grip, and looked around. “Nupe,” she said with a nod of her head. “Beats me, but it looks like we might be, y’know, on the wrong side of the train tracks.”

Twilight cocked her head to the side. “Pinkie, what? There’s only one set of train tracks in Ponyville, and they’re on the edge of town. The only other side is the Everfree Forest, which, I mean, I guess you could arguably say is the ‘wrong’ side, but I don’t really see how that relates to this area which is most definitely not near any train tracks.”

Pinkie blinked a few times. “...What? Oh, Twilight,” she hissed, suddenly lowering herself to the ground, “don’t look now, but look… I think we’re surrounded.”

And indeed, as surprising as it was to find that Pinkie was right about something, Twilight had to admit that it certainly looked like they were surrounded. How things had come to be this way was a total mystery to her, but she was less concerned with that than with figuring why, off all things, they were surrounded by boxes. Twilight cast her eyes over the darkened alley they had found themselves in, noticing how lining the roofs were many cardboard boxes, and how at either entrance was a pair of boxes blocking their path. Twilight placed her back against Pinkie’s. “Things got out of hand really quick, didn’t they?”

“That’s how it always goes with these cardboard boxes,” said Pinkie, scowling. “One minute they’re your friends, then the next they’re stabbin’ ya in the back. It makes me sick.” She tried to spit on the ground, but succeeded only in creating a long and sinewy strand of saliva that hung from her mouth.

“Eww, gross, Pinkie. Don’t spit on the ground. Were you raised in a barn?”

After sucking back in the strand of spittle, Pinkie crossed her forehooves, glancing back over her shoulder. “Yes, I was, actually.”

Twilight nodded. “Ah, right. Anyway, we seem to be in a bit of a pickle here, so if you’ve got any ideas, I’m all ears.”

“What if you don’t like my idea, how would you respond?” asked Pinkie.

Twilight frowned, cocking her head to the side. “What are you talking about?”

“If you’re all ears, then how can you say if you like my idea or not? Wouldn’t you need at least one mouth?”

Sucking in her breath through her teeth, Twilight said, “Fine, I’m all ears and one mouth, whatever. So, what’s your brilliant plan then?”

Pinkie turned around, looking at Twilight. “I didn’t say I had a plan. I was just saying that if I did have a plan, it wouldn’t do any good since you didn’t have a mouth to say if you liked the plan or not, duh.”

Shaking her head, Twilight muttered, “Why do I even bother?” After a moment of introspection, Twilight finally said, “Okay, we’ve already established that the boxes don’t move when we’re looking at them, right?”

Pinkie nodded. “Yepperooni.”

“So, all we need to do is make sure we stare at them and just back away slowly.”

“Wait…” said Pinkie, holding a hoof to her chin, “but how will that help us to figure out the mystery behind these boxes?”

“What? Screw the mystery,” said Twilight, waving her hoof dismissively. “Now I just don’t want to be murdered by boxes.”

“Who said anything about murder?”

“Do these boxes look friendly to you?”

“They look like boxes.”

Twilight jabbed her hoof at the box nearest them. “Look at that one! It has a knife taped to its side! That’s not normal.”

“Yeah, but…” Pinkie face contorted into a look of confusion, “they’re boxes. It’s not like they can even hold knives.”

“So?” said Twilight, rounding on Pinkie. “You shouldn’t be able to hold a knife, but you do it anyway.”

“Huh…guess I never looked at it like that.”

“Anyway, that’s not important now, because I’ve revised my original plan of walking away slowly,” said Twilight, her hoof surreptitiously moving towards Pinkie’s.

Noticing this, Pinkie prepared to lock hooves with Twilight. “Okay, so what’s your new plan?” she asked.

Twilight licked her lips, glancing at each of the boxes in turn, then back at Pinkie. “It’s simple, first we do this.” She turned back the way they’d come from, her grip tightening around Pinkie’s hoof. “Then we… RUN!”

Her hooves smacked against the cobblestone as Twilight tore out of the alleyway with Pinkie in tow. Racing through the town, she started to wonder something, something that had gotten them in trouble just minutes ago. “Where are we going?” she asked.

Punctuated by the beat of her hooves, Pinkie’s voice bounced when she responded, “I don’t know. I’m just following you.”

“Well, we have to go somewhere. We can’t just run around forever!” shouted Twilight, casting a glance over her shoulder, only to spot a lone cardboard box in the middle of the street, staring them down menacingly.

Pinkie dug her hooves into the ground, causing them to stop suddenly and forcing Twilight’s momentum to carry her into a wall where she crashed, slowly sliding down into a heap. Bopping her hooves together, Pinkie’s face lit up. “I’ve got it! We can go to Fluttershy’s house!”

Shaking her head to clear the dizziness, Twilight said, “What’s Fluttershy going to do? I mean, no offense to her, but, like… she’s Fluttershy.”

“Not Fluttershy,” said Pinkie, her voice becoming more excited, “everyone else! We were all supposed to meet at her house today, remember? If we go there now, we can get everyone else to help us.”

“That’s… actually not a bad plan,” said Twilight as she slowly stood up.

“Well, come on then!”

Now it was Twilight’s turn to be seized by the hoof as Pinkie grabbed hold of the other mare and continued sprinting through the town, this time with a purpose in mind, a notion that was somewhat foreign to Pinkie Pie. It didn’t take long, only a minute or two at a full sprint, before they reached the humble cottage of Fluttershy. Fortunately for them, all their friends were already there.

“What’s up, Pinkie, Twilight?” said Rainbow Dash, waving at them from a cloud above Fluttershy’s house. “You guys are kinda late, y’know.”

Rarity waved her hoof, smiling approvingly down at Opalescence, who was busy destroying anything she could get her grabby claws on. “Oh, pish posh. It’s not as though it’s the end of the world just because they’re a little late. I daresay the world will go on spinning regardless.”

“Ain’t no big deal,” said Applejack, polishing an apple with her elbow. She shoved the apple in her mouth, taking a huge bite out of it. “They’re not the only ones. Winona was sick today, so the only pet I could bring was this apple,” she said, holding up the now-half-eaten apple proudly.

“Wait, that apple isn’t your normal pet?” said Rainbow, rolling off the cloud and gliding down to the ground where Tank was waiting for her.

Applejack rolled her eyes.

“There’s no time for pets!” said Pinkie, dragging Twilight into the group behind her. “There’s something really serious going on!”

“What’s up, sugarcube?” said Applejack, arching a brow in concern.

Twilight spun around and pointed a hoof back towards the town. “That’s the problem! There’s a murderous box chasing us!”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack exchanged confused glances. “Uhh,” said Rainbow, “this is, like, some kind of weird joke, right?”

“It’s not a joke!” cried Twilight, practically hanging off Rainbow’s neck now that she had thrown her hooves around the other mare in exasperation. “This is deadly serious. In fact, it might be the most serious thing to ever happen in the history of ever.”

Pinkie nodded vigorously. “It’s true! It’s true!” She stopped suddenly. “Wait… where’s Fluttershy?”

“Said she was going to pick up some ingredients for making sandwiches,” Rarity chimed in, walking over to join the rest of the group. “She left a while ago, so I’m sure she’ll be back any minute. But in the meantime, what’s all this nonsense about murderous boxes?”

“There’s no time to explain!” cried Pinkie Pie, grabbing Rarity by the cheeks and shaking her. “We have to go save Fluttershy. If she’s coming back from town, then the box is gonna get her.” She whipped around, and just as she’d hoped they wouldn’t, her worst fears came true. Far down the path, over the little bridge and towards the outskirts of town, Fluttershy had indeed returned, and was now crouched over a large cardboard box, her muzzle moving to tip it over.

“Oh look, there she is,” said Applejack, waving her hoof. “Hey, Fluttershy! Pinkie’s got something to tell you… or something. I’m not really sure what’s going on, actually.”

Her eyes going as wide as saucers, Pinkie started sprinting towards Fluttershy, shouting, “Nooooooooooooooo!” Her hooves thundered against the ground powerfully, but even that sound wasn’t loud enough to distract Fluttershy, who was now mere milliseconds away from lifting up the box.

Rarity leaned over to Applejack, whispering, “Why is she moving so slowly?”

Applejack shrugged. “I think she thinks she’s in slow motion, or something. Ya’ll can’t expect me to understand the inner workings of Pinkie’s mind.”

As Pinkie held out her hoof to stop Fluttershy, still crying, “Noooo!” she was far too late to stop her. Nudging the box over with her snout, Fluttershy unveiled the secret that had been eluding Pinkie Pie all morning. Beneath the box, no longer shrouded in mystery or veiled in uncertainty, was, in fact… a solitary, miniature, and altogether terribly un-frightening, garden snake. Its forked tongue stuck out, as if to mock Pinkie as she slowed to a light trot, then to a dead stop.

Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “Wait…. a snake?”

Fluttershy offered her hoof up to the snake, and it slithered up along the length of her foreleg, and curled itself around shoulders, hissing quietly. “This is Solid,” said Fluttershy. “I found him all alone in the Everfree Forest the other day, and I couldn’t just leave him there all by himself, so I took him home. He got out this morning, and I was looking all over for him. I guess he must’ve managed to get stuck under this box.”

“...A snake?” repeated Pinkie.

Way back by Fluttershy’s house, Twilight smacked her forehead with a hoof. “Gah! It seems so obvious now.” She chuckled, shaking her head in amusement. “I can’t believe I ever thought it was something crazy like interdimensional demons. A snake makes a lot more sense.”

“What is she talking about?” whispered Rarity to Applejack.

Applejack simply shrugged again. “Look, sugarcube, something just happened right now, and I don’t know what it is, and I don’t think I want to know. I’m just gonna pretend like none of this ever happened and just finish off this apple,” she said as she did just that, popping the last of the fruit into her mouth with a wet smack.

As she started to trot towards Pinkie and Fluttershy, Twilight had a sudden thought. “Wait… what about the alleyway? Those can’t have all been snakes, right?” She paused for a moment and thought this over. “Actually, I think I’m better off not knowing.” With a satisfied nod, Twilight cantered up beside Fluttershy and Pinkie.

With Twilight admiring the snake, and petting it on the head, Pinkie was still reeling in confusion. She glanced around, trying to find some answer hidden somewhere. That’s when, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted something that made her freeze. On the edge of the Everfree Forest, peeking out from behind a tree, was the tiniest hint of that dull brown cardboard box color. She blinked a couple times, then looked again, but it was gone.

Pinkie stared for a long time, eventually shaking her head, and mumbling to herself, “It was probably nothing.”