Friendly Fire

"Okay, this is... different," murmured Rainbow, as she delicately negotiated a corridor, moving more slowly and ponderously than she had ever done in her life. Her ears were pricked, alert, straining for every noise she could hear.

Stepping out through an arched opening, she emerged out of the gloom and into the interior of a spacious factory chamber, much taller than it was wide. Bright industrial lighting beat down upon her, revealing the splendor of her colors, but she didn't flinch, blink, or even notice. Her usually-vibrant magenta eyes were dulled and clouded, staring ahead without any focus or recognition.

She was completely blind.

The gametype Derpy had put them into was almost the same as a free-for-all Deathmatch, but with one vital alteration: the vision of every player was completely disabled. Rainbow wasn't even seeing blackness, just... nothing. No visual sense at all. All she had was sound, the touch of her hooves on the floor, and an acrid smell that was currently stinging her nose and telling her that she was somewhere above the massive pool of acid that was the hallmark of this map. She found the lack of sensation both discomforting and strangely exhilarating, and she could easily see the appeal for ponies like Derpy who were already visually-impaired. The Snowdropmatch gametype was a fun way to even the odds and provide a new, unique challenge at the same time.

"Derpy? What's the kill limit?" Rainbow whispered.

"First to three," said Derpy, fluttering her wings as she hovered behind Rainbow. This turned out to be a mistake, as Rainbow immediately rolled forward, sprang up into the air upside down, and blasted Derpy in the gut with a beam of red electric death.

"Guaaaaaaah!" Derpy gasped. Her body twitched reflexively as it absorbed the fatal dose of energy, and she knew a moment of existential terror before the game rules asserted themselves, her admin-registered necklace protecting her from what would otherwise have been a horrible death. "Rainbow Dash! I'm the announcer! You can't shoot me!"

"You're not supposed to be in the game!" Rainbow hissed. "Why are you here?"

"Because... well... I wanted to watch up the action up close for once!" said Derpy. "You both can't see me, so I didn't think you'd mind!"

"I can still hear you!" said Rainbow, gritting her teeth. "You're putting us off! I need to be able to hear Pinkie to kill her!"

"I'm somewhere else!" Pinkie giggled over the radio. "Come and find me, Dashie! I'll give you a clue!"

"Pinkie, get off the line!" Rainbow growled. "This is supposed to be a battle of stealth and wits and senses! Derpy, switch off the player radio!"

"Oh... we usually leave it on," said Derpy. "Rainbow, you're taking this too seriously! It's supposed to be fun! I can tell you when you're getting warm, if you like."

"What kind of a challenge is that?" Rainbow snorted, rolling her blinded eyes. "Also, what weapon am I holding? Is this an instagib rifle?"

"Yep," said Derpy. "Infinite ammo."

"Good," said Rainbow. "Okay, go away. I need to concentrate."

"Good luck!" said Derpy, making Rainbow Dash grimace as her loud voice reverberated from the metallic factory walls. She invoked a mental command, and silently vanished.

A few moments later, Derpy appeared in front of Pinkie Pie.

"Hi Derpy!" said Pinkie, smiling brightly, her dull, sightless eyes reflecting the pegasus. "Now Dashie likes to play fair, so don't help me out!"

"I won't!" Derpy promised. "How are you finding this gametype?"

"It's... strange!" said Pinkie, trotting past her. Derpy hovered alongside. "I feel a little sad that all the colors are gone!"

"Awwww," said Derpy, smiling. "I can't do anything about that, I'm afraid. But it's funny, when I play this, I always catch little details that I never noticed before." She stopped flapping her wings for a moment, allowing her admin-granted gravity exemption to hold her in the air. "Like, can you hear that sound?"

Pinkie stopped and cupped a hoof around one ear. A hissing, fizzing, glooping sound, like a super-carbonated syrup, tickled at her eardrums. "Oooh! What is that? Is that the acid pool?"

Derpy nodded. Then she remembered that Pinkie couldn't see that, so she clarified: "Yep! Bet you never noticed that before, huh?"

"I didn't!" Pinkie admitted. She took in a deep breath. "And I never really —" — she wheezed and choked, suddenly — "— smelt it before, either! Wow, it's really strong. Am I, like, standing right next to it?"

Derpy hmmed, rubbing her chin. Pinkie was indeed right by the large pool of green, flesh-eating acid, about two hoofsteps and several agonized flails from becoming a pony skeleton. "Well... I shouldn't tell you, really. Rainbow's right, it's probably unfair if I help you. Sorry, Pinkie."

"Oh, that's okay," said Pinkie, waving a dismissive hoof. "So, how'd you get to be the announcer, anyway?"

"Oh, well," Derpy smiled, floating over the green pool as Pinkie continued on the move, one hoof pressed against the outer wall for guidance. "You won't believe this, but Princess Luna asked me personally."

"No way!" said Pinkie.

"Uh huh!" said Derpy, proudly. "You see..."

Derpy wished she wasn't crying. It made her feel terrible, and it only further compounded her aiming problems. She sniffled and unleashed another ball of electric energy from her weapon, allowing it to soar into the night sky before she took aim again.

Blam! Blam! Blam!

Not one shot even came close to hitting the shock ball. She screwed her eyelids closed, wiping away the tears with a hoof before resuming her fire. Blam! Blam! Her nose burbled, leaving a sharp salty taste on her upper lip. Blam! Blam! Blam! Lances of blue light flashed across the sky, but the ball continued to soar away, completely untouched, unpopped by the pegasus's errant blasts.

The shock rifle finally fuzzed and gave out, its energy source spent by the barrage of failed shots. Derpy threw it on the ground in disgust, sniffing heavily and wiping her nose with a foreleg.

The stars in the sky smeared into an ugly mess as Derpy sank to the ground, burying her head in her hooves. Another game ruined. That she'd ruined. She wasn't just a bad player; she was actively a hindrance to anyone who sided with her. Her team could have replaced her with a potted plant and done better for it.

She sighed and tried to decide the best way to end herself. The game admin was probably getting impatient by now. She extracted a sniper rifle from her inventory and squinted into the barrel. A self-headshot would be the quickest way, probably, but knowing how bad she was, she'd probably miss somehow. She tossed the weapon aside, and instead, walked to the nearest cliff-edge. An endless sea of lava stretched out before her, swelling and bursting in great house-sized bubbles of liquid fire. She closed her eyes sadly, and dove off the cliff.

Fifteen non-agonizing, non-flesh-searing seconds later, she opened them again.

The starlit sky was still there, as was the sea of molten rock, but she wasn't falling. She was floating. The cliff face from which she had just leapt from was receding from her as she gently rolled through the air, like a feather wafting in a warm breeze.

"Did I mess that up too?" she wondered aloud.

"No, my little pony," came a regal voice from behind her. Derpy flailed and wiggled in the air, trying to right herself so she could face the newcomer. "I have turned off the gravity. I hoped that it might lighten your mood as well as your body."

Derpy giggled a little at that fanciful idea, trying to focus on the shadowy form of the pony as they span into view. What she saw made her gasp in surprise. "Princess Luna?"

"It is I," said Luna. Her starred mane billowed gracefully in the gravityless air like she was underwater, and she seemed to be much more in control of her momentum than Derpy currently was.

"Wait... you're the announcer?" Derpy asked, her mane flopping over her eyes as she turned upside-down again.

"Indeed," Luna confirmed. "HEAD SHOT!" she cried suddenly, her voice booming with supernatural force, somehow causing the very sky itself to reverberate.

Derpy squeaked in glee. "Oh my goodness! I never realized it was you, Your Highness! Wait, you do this for every game?"

"Yes," Luna said, as her horn lit up with a soft blue light. Derpy felt a tug on her limbs as the Princess's magic aura wrapped her, arresting her gravity-less tumble. She was turned, instead, flipped right-side up and rotated until she faced the princess directly. Derpy performed the most respectful bow that she could manage without any ground underneath her.

Luna continued: "I greatly enjoy this sport, and I love to see ponies enjoying it as I do. Which is why it grieves me to find one of my subjects so troubled, long after the game has ended."

Derpy sighed. "I'm sorry, Princess. Next time I'll leave the game as soon as it ends, I promise."

Luna shook her head, a sympathetic look on her regal features. "That is not what I meant."

"Oh," Derpy said, realizing. "Right. The crying. I just... I just got a bit frustrated, Princess. I try so hard at this game, but no matter what I do, I just... I'm no good." She looked down at the lava bubbling away beneath them. "It's my eyes, you see. I can't focus on things properly, which makes it really hard to aim a weapon. It's kind of pointless for me to play, really."

"Yet you do," Luna noted.

Derpy nodded. "I... I think it's really fun. Well, it's not fun when I mess everything up, but it's... it's... it's such a..."

"A beautiful game?" Luna prompted.

"Yes!" said Derpy, with a vehemence that surprised even herself. "The weapons are so well-designed and balanced, and I know most ponies don't like the GES Bio-Rifle but really that's because they're trying to use it for direct offense when it's more of a zonal control weapon and I love the ever-evolving metagame of pickup management and map dominance that interweaves so harmoniously with the frantic yet measured combat. Oh, and I really like it when you poke someone with the Impact Hammer and their lungs explode out of their nose."

Luna smiled warmly. "I could not have said it better myself," she said. "You understand this game on a level that most ponies do not, Miss Derpy."

"Really?" Derpy said, looking pleased. But her bright expression quickly fell. "Even if I do, it doesn't make a difference," she frowned. "I'm handicapped. I'll never be any good at this."

"Is victory important to you?"

Derpy frowned. "Well... not to me personally. I mean, I don't mind if I win or lose, as long as it's a good match. But I'm just not cut out for this game. If I play a team game I'm a liability. If I play a deathmatch, I'm that rookie who can't hit anything unless she's point-blank range with a flak cannon. I might as well just not be playing at all."

Luna nodded. "Truly, 'tis most cruel that you are so afflicted, Miss Derpy. I have no doubt that, were you able-sighted, you would be one of the greatest players this game has ever seen."

Derpy nodded back, glumly. "Well, thanks, I guess."

"Do not thank me yet," Luna instructed, with a wry look. "Miss Derpy, I came here with a proposition for you. I do not know if it will be to your liking, and you are perfectly at liberty to accept or to reject, the choice entirely yours. But, based on what I have heard, I have a feeling you will like what I have in mind."

"A proposition?" Derpy asked, feeling a sudden nervous thrill that made her tailhairs stand on end.

"While I welcome the increasing popularity of this game, I have found it putting more and more pressure on my time," Luna explained. "It is reaching the point where I find myself having to cancel matches, lest they interfere with my royal duties."

"Oh dear," said Derpy. "That's probably my fault too, Princess. I've been playing this game as much as I can recently." She rubbed her neck sheepishly. "Well... can't you hire somepony else to be the announcer? Or does it have to be an alicorn?"

"Not at all," Luna said. "Any pony has the potential to be this game's custodian, be they alicorn, earth pony, unicorn... or pegasus."

"Oh, that's good," said Derpy, breathing out a sigh of relief. "I was worried that you would have to stop running the game."

"Or pegasus," Luna repeated, pointedly.

"I'm sure you could find lots of pegasi who would be great at announcing, Princess," said Derpy, with a smile.

Luna facehooved. "Miss Derpy, I would like you to be the new announcer."

Derpy nodded. Then she blinked. "What?"

"And then what?" Pinkie squeaked excitedly.

Derpy tilted her head. "Well, I said yes, obviously." She smiled at the recollection of the pride and joy that she had felt upon being selected — royally selected — for the role. "Being paid to oversee my favorite game? Who could say no? I mean, it does mean a lot of trips back and forth to Canterlot, but—"

BLAM! The air blazed with red light and an electron beam slammed into Derpy for a second time.

"Aaaaugh!" Derpy squealed, fluttering her wings madly. "Rainbow Dash!"

"Dashie, that was mean! You almost hit me!" Pinkie scolded.

They heard an incredulous splutter from somewhere above, and Derpy looked up to see Dash standing on an upper walkway, looking somewhere in their direction with an infuriated expression. "Derpy, why are you still here? You said you were leaving!"

"We were just having a nice friendly flashback! I mean, chit-chat!" Pinkie said.

"She doesn't have to be in the game for you to talk to her!" Rainbow Dash growled. The pegasus aimed her gun again at the source of Pinkie's voice and fired. Pinkie felt the air around her superheat, the extremities of her mane shrivelling and frazzling, but the shot itself impacted the floor non-lethally, just inches from her hoof.

"No, Rainbow is right," said Derpy. "I've interfered too much. I should know better. I'm going now." She ascended up past Rainbow Dash, and prepared to invoke the administrative command to return herself to her realm. "Oh, but Rainbow Dash, before I go, if I could offer a piece of advice —"

"No, I don't want any advice, just let us play," said Dash. "You want us to give this gametype a proper tryout, right? We can't do that if you're getting in the way."

Derpy nodded. "Okay. Good luck!" A second later, she vanished into nothingness, this time for good.

Dash readied her weapon again and took aim at where Pinkie had been, her ears straining to catch the sound of movement. The smell of acid was really strong here. She felt like she had to be right over the pool.

She also felt like she was falling. Her wing muscles were straining agitatedly in response to a sudden shift in balance, unable to spread due to the anti-flying enchantment on her necklace.

Oh. That's not good.

SPLOOSH!

Pinkie listened intently to the muffled wail, several seconds of thrashing, and sickly hissing and fizzing that accompanied the pegasus's dissolution in the acid pool. "Soooooo... do I still get a point for that?"