Friendly Fire

by hawthornbunny

Rating: mature
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Crossover, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Princess Luna
Length: 6109

The Mane Six play a game of Unreal Tournament.

The unlikely pastime of magical weapon arena deathmatch is fast becoming popular in Equestria, with more and more ponies taking to this surprisingly enjoyable bloodsport. And few ponies enjoy it more than the six Bearers of Harmony. Join Twilight and friends as they battle each other in an iconic Capture the Flag scenario.

This is a My Little Pony/Unreal Tournament crossover, based heavily on Brian Jacko's story An "Unreal" Day.

Published 2016-08-22 21:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-22 21:00:01 UTC

Capture the Flag

The tip of a white spiral horn peeked up out of a sloped recess on the roof of the castle, followed by a windblown, slightly frazzled coiffure. Rarity dismissed the temporary lapse in fabulosity from her mind, however, and took a quick survey of the opposing team's castle. Carefully, of course. Caution was a must. You didn't get to her level by being careless.

Equestria soared thousands of miles over her head, a mammoth blue-green orb that swallowed half the inky starlit sky. Rarity paid it no mind, just as she gave no attention to the fact that she shouldn't really be able to breathe here, or that, by all rights, she and every other player should have all floated off this tiny floating island into space by now. This world, this game map, was not real, no matter how much her eyes, ears, and hooves told her otherwise. It was purposeful illusion, a calculated unreality of a complexity and nature that she wasn't able to fathom. Nor did she care to, since that wasn't really necessary to play the game.

"Rarity, what's it looking like up there?" asked Rainbow.

The pegasus was nowhere that Rarity could see, but that didn't matter either. With the magical assistance given by the fetching golden choker that she was wearing, Rainbow's voice was carried to her as clearly as if they were standing face-to-face. In fact, Rainbow was currently several floors beneath her, at ground level.

"Twilight has gone inside," said Rarity, her keen eyes scanning the enemy castle from top to bottom, taking in every nook, every shadow, every hiding place. The three-mare opposing team was nowhere in sight. "I think she's calling a strategy meeting."

"Perfect," said Rainbow. Rarity could almost hear the cocksure grin of her teammate. "If Fluttershy and I can get over there in time, we might be able to catch them all at once. Take 'em all out in one go."

"Um..." came a soft, gentle voice, which fortunately was picked up just as clearly as Rainbow's through the magical radio link. "Are you sure that's wise?"

Rainbow swung around, with a chunky metal-and-polymer weapon strapped to her side. It wasn't a pretty thing, to be sure; it looked like something half-bazooka, half-vending machine — but it was her favorite, and nopony on the receiving end of it ever doubted its effectiveness. She frowned at the stone pillar that Fluttershy had secreted herself behind — not always a bad strategy, admittedly, but in the safe confines of their base, there was no need for it. Rainbow rolled her eyes.

"Yes, I'm sure," she replied. "Trust me, Flutters. All we've gotta do is get over there, blast all three of them, then you've got a clear run back with the flag."

Fluttershy's eyes widened as she leant out from behind the pillar. "You want me to run back with —"

"Yes, you," Rainbow affirmed. "Because I'll be dead. Look, I've got it all figured out." She yanked Fluttershy's tail and pulled her out to the ground-floor entrance hallway, the pegasus meeping as the starlit sky came into view. "We get over there, I run in, blast Twilight in the middle of her stupid tactics lecture. Pinkie and Applejack will be wounded. Maybe dead, but let's not be optimistic." She clapped her hooves together gleefully at the thought of her two earth pony friends writhing in flaming agony. "At the least, they'll be disoriented. Applejack hates fighting close to friendlies anyway, so she should go down easy. I'll throw everything I've got at Pinkie, but I don't expect to survive, so that's why you're going to grab the flag and run."

Fluttershy trembled. "I... I don't know, it sounds really risky. I'm not sure if I should —"

"Of course it's risky!" snorted Rainbow. "You don't get anywhere without taking risks! C'mon, Fluttershy, help me out here will you? We're not —"

"I would in this case agree with Fluttershy, actually," said the absent Rarity, her voice reaching the two just as easily as Rainbow's had reached her. "I think this brief interval would be better suited to discussing our own strategy. We're not winning this match. Twilight's team needs only one more flag capture to win. We need to figure out what we're doing wrong."

"I was just about to say that," said Rainbow, gritting her teeth, "and what we're doing wrong is not attacking when we could be!" said Rainbow. "Fluttershy, you really need to get your act together."

"I'm sorry," whispered Fluttershy.

"Don't be sorry, be... be more aggressive! Come on, we've got everything we need to win this. We've got the best sniper in the league."

"You flatter me, Rainbow," came Rarity's voice, the smirk almost audible.

"We've got me, and, y'know, not to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I'm really good too," said Rainbow. "And so are you, Fluttershy! I've seen you headshot opponents without even looking! Not many ponies can do that!"

"I... well, sometimes I get lucky..." Fluttershy mumbled.

Rainbow snorted. "You know why Twilight's winning, even though her team's inferior? Because she knows how to organize. How to boost morale. All of that magic of friendship stuff. She's Princessing her way to an easy victory, and it's not fair, darnit! We're better than her!"

"So you think the best way to boost morale is to shout at Fluttershy?" said Rarity.

"I'm not shouting at her!" argued Rainbow. "I'm just saying that we're not winning this match because Fluttershy isn't doing what needs to be done!"

"I'm sorry, Dashie," said Fluttershy mournfully. "I just... I don't like going over there! Everyone keeps firing shots at me while I'm all exposed and it's such a long way down and when I fall off my stomach goes all bubbly and bloaty and then I explode! It's horrible!"

"It's just part of the game, Fluttershy," said Rainbow. "Come on, I need you! Nopony else can do this but you! Don't you want us to win?"

"I... of course," said Fluttershy, drooping her head. "I'm sorry, Rainbow. I'll try my best."

"I'll have you well covered, Fluttershy," said Rarity, soothingly. "If I see Twilight so much as point in your direction, I'll take her head clean off."

"See?" said Rainbow. "Nothing to worry about. Just stay to the middle of the path, run up as quick as you can. When we get to the top of the hill, you can get the Super Health Pack — is it there, Rarity?"

"It just respawned," said Rarity. "One big keg of health, waiting to be claimed."

"All yours, Fluttershy," said Rainbow. "Then we'll run down the hill, catch them inside, blast them to bits, and you come back with the flag. Easy breezy. Twilight'll probably moan about it, but hay, it's not our fault if she chooses to hold meetings in person instead of over the radio."

"Well, I still advise against it," said Rarity, "but if you're going to go, you should go now. I'll let you know if you need to back off."

"Back off, hah!" snorted Rainbow. "Let's do it! Fluttershy, with me!" she yelled, charging out of the entrance with the yellow pegasus close behind her.

The only way to get to the other castle was to cross an enormous bridge of compacted earth and rock that spanned the distance between the two floating islands. Fluttershy kept her gaze firmly on the ground as she tailed Rainbow Dash, refusing to think about how there was absolutely nothing holding any of it in place. This world was simply thought into being by a madmare architect, and didn't obey any kind of reason. It only existed only because somepony said that it did. She had to accept that.

They both charged up the leftmost side of the earthen bridge. The bridge was more than just a simple arch: it was bifurcated at each end, like a stretched out "X", giving players two paths to take which met in the center. The enemy's tower loomed into view as they came to the bridge's apex, but unlike normal, there was no Twilight standing on the roof, trying to put bullets through their heads. The castle was, for the moment, undefended, at least from the outside. When they got in, Rainbow knew it would be a very different matter.

"There it is, get it, Fluttershy!" Rainbow barked, pointing to the section at the crest of the bridge, the center of the X where all paths merged briefly. In that spot, where you were equidistant from each castle, was the Super Health Pack that spawned every few minutes or so. It was capable of healing an injured player back to full health instantly, and if that player was in full health, as Fluttershy currently was, it would grant her a huge boost of vitality. She would become much more difficult to kill.

"Clear run!" said Rainbow, as Fluttershy took the massive dose of healing energy. "Let's go!" They stormed headlong down the slope toward the wide entranceway to the enemy castle. Fluttershy's terror began to rise, her hackles itching with agitation as they neared it. She'd never gotten this close without being attacked before.

"They're still in there," said Rainbow, lowering her voice and lightening her hooffalls. "Okay, this is it, Flutters. I'll run in first. I'll do my best to take them all out, but if anypony survives, you've got to come in behind and finish them off, okay?"

"Okay," whispered Fluttershy.

"Don't show any mercy," said Rainbow. "Once they're dead, grab their flag and run. Don't worry, and don't look back. They won't respawn with any good weapons, so at worst you'll get shot in the back a few times. Rarity will be covering both spawnpoints, so they won't be able to do much to you."

Fluttershy nodded. Although she was nervous, everything Rainbow had explained made sense. They had a really good chance of pulling this off. I just need to do my best, Fluttershy thought. Getting shot isn't so scary, and I like that tingly feeling you get when you pick up a health pack. We can do this!

"Let's do it, Dashie!" Fluttershy squeaked. "Let's -"

Applejack stepped out into the entranceway. The earth pony's face was in a deep shadow cast by her stetson hat, but they could see the gleam of a huge smug grin on her face.

"Sorry, ladies. Private meeting. Come back later."

Rainbow gasped and snarled, hoisting her weapon and cursing under her breath. She only had three rockets loaded of the six her rocket launcher could hold, but it was easily enough to wipe that smile off Applejack's face. She aimed her launcher at Applejack —

Applejack was hefting a launcher more than double the size of hers, reeking of ozone and coolant fluid. It was an ugly, olive-green, riveted armament which looked less like a gun and more like someone had torn the rear half off of a starfighter. The barrel alone could have swallowed all three of the Cutie Mark Crusaders whole. As it stood, Rainbow knew that weapon was currently holding only a single round of ammunition. One was all it needed.

"Oh —" Rainbow's eyes widened as the massive gun emitted a deafening BLAM that rattled her skull. A fat missile wreathed in flame whooshed from the barrel, and plunged into the ground at Rainbow's hooves. She didn't even have time to blink before every molecule was liberated from her body, and she and Fluttershy were vaporized in a explosion so powerful that it caused Rarity to stumble, an entire map length away.

"...horseapples," said Rainbow, as she respawned back outside their castle in a swirl of sparks, followed by Fluttershy a millisecond later. "For Celestia's sake, AJ! That isn't a close-combat weapon!" she yelled, shaking her forehoof angrily at the other base.

"Should we try again?" Fluttershy asked.

"No," came Rarity's voice. "Stay and defend. I don't like the look of this." Rainbow heard the distant blam of Rarity's rifle high above them, as the unicorn sniper began trying to pick off somepony oncoming.

"Come on," said Rainbow, snatching up a sniper rifle herself from the ground, and tossing one to Fluttershy.

"Pinkie is coming," said Rarity, as they ran around to the front of the castle and took up position at the entrance.

"Just Pinkie?"

"Just Pinkie." They heard the pings and blats of missed shots as Rarity tried desperately to bring the earth pony down.

"Stop... teleporting... nngh!" Rarity muttered in frustration. "Here she comes. Rainbow, she has a —"

A metal disc whirled past Rainbow's head and ricocheted off the stone front of the entryway, leaving a tiny bloody scratch.

"— Ripper," finished Rarity.

Fluttershy stared at Rainbow, a look of utter shock on her face. Then her head slid off her neck and neatly faceplanted on the ground in front of her.

Rainbow didn't hesitate, didn't even look at the pink pony gleefully tele-hopping her way down the slope toward their base. A horrid sound of roaring metallic death grew around her as more of the bladed discs zipped and slashed past, rebounding off the sloped hallway walls. She deftly slid under one as it ricocheted back toward her head, feeling a few strands of her mane get sheared off.

"Fluttershy, get back to the entrance!" Rainbow yelled. "Nothing leaves this castle alive, you got me?"

"Okay," Fluttershy whispered over the radio.

"Hi Dashie!" Pinkie's echoing voice giggled as the pink pony entered their castle. Rainbow didn't have time to grab her favored rocket launcher, so she leapt for the shock rifle instead. In the confines of the castle, it was better anyway — it fired extremely accurate bolts of electric death, rather than cumbersome explosive missiles which could end up being just as much a danger to herself or her teammates.

Pinkie suddenly appeared from nowhere in a burst of light and sparks, and dropped to the ground in front of her, clutching the horrible weapon that had just decapitated Fluttershy. "How're you doing?" Pinkie asked, as Rainbow blasted at her, the blue electron beam missing Pinkie by a hair. "Well, I mean I know how you're doing in the game," said Pinkie, whirling to avoid a shock rifle blast to her legs, "but, you know, we haven't caught up in ages! How are things?"

Rainbow desperately fired a shock ball to see if it would catch Pinkie off guard, but Pinkie just watched the electric orb soar past her head, her eyes lit up as she giggled in awe. "Sorry. I shouldn't distract you! I'm here to take your flag."

She dodged again to the left, and sent more blades wheeling at Rainbow, who ducked and felt them whizz over her head and back again as they began bouncing around inside the tiny castle lobby.

Of all the ponies in Equestria, maybe three others were crazy enough to do what Pinkie was attempting, and they were all safely locked away in institutes and dungeons to protect themselves and everypony around them. The pink pony's hoof was jammed on the trigger of her weapon, and she skittered, skipped and scudded in a comical dance as the stone hall began filling up with her own Ripper blades. The discs clattered and rebounded off walls and ceilings in all directions, the air becoming thick with whirling metal. Her tail juddered and twitched with the bodily sense of impending danger that only she possessed, as she skipped gaily through what was now effectively a giant blender. Rainbow could only watch in despair as she hoisted their flag off its mount, and then the pegasus' horrified body was torn apart and pulped into colorful confetti.

Rainbow gasped, sucking in a deep breath as she respawned outside. "Rarity! She's got —"

"I know," said Rarity, grimly.

Rainbow knew Pinkie couldn't use her teleporter while holding the flag, so that took away one of her big advantages. She'd have to gallop back over the bridge entirely on hoof, and Rarity had a much higher chance of taking her down. "Fluttershy! Hold back!" Rainbow yelled, knowing that Fluttershy would simply be torn apart if she tried to prevent Pinkie from leaving. It was better for her to take cover outside the castle and provide parting fire to at least wear Pinkie down; hopefully they could take her out before she got too far, and then get their flag back. "Get in cover!"

Rainbow's mind was running as fast as she was. Pinkie's solo castle storms were legendary, but they were no game winner. This was too simple for Twilight's final blow. What am I missing?

"What the —" Rarity's shocked voice came over the radio, before cutting out.

"Rarity?" Rainbow said. "Rarity! What is —"

"I'm down!" said Rarity. "Twilight! She sniped me!"

Rainbow was aghast. She watched as Pinkie pelted up the bridge with their flag on her back, and began firing off pistol shots at her.

"Agh!" came Rarity's voice again. "And that was Applejack! They have me pinn—"

Her voice cut out again. Rainbow saw it now. Twilight and Applejack were concentrating all of their fire on Rarity after she respawned, preventing her from taking up a sniper position again. With Rarity down and her and Fluttershy scattered, Pinkie had practically a clear run back with the flag.

"Fluttershy!" Rainbow bellowed, catching up to the yellow pegasus, who was camped outside the entrance and trying to shoot the fleeing Pinkie down. "After Pinkie! It's now or never!"

The pair of them launched themselves up the bridge again and crested it as Pinkie absconded, the red flag flapping over her back. Rainbow pelted after Pinkie as Fluttershy stopped and took sniper position at the apex of the bridge. Rainbow was actually quite impressed at Fluttershy taking the initiative, but it was too little, too late. All Rainbow could manage was to bloody Pinkie with a couple of shots from her pistol; Fluttershy's shots all went wide, and in any case, her head exploded spectacularly as Twilight put a bullet through it. Rainbow looked on, a horrid pit in her stomach as their flag disappeared into the castle; moments later, a fanfare sounded, and it was all over.

"Blue Team wins the match!" echoed Derpy's voice across the entire map. "Great job, you girls! And Red Team, you did great too!"

"We sucked," Rainbow moaned, dropping to the ground.

"Awwww, c'mon, Dash," came Applejack's voice, as the radio opened up to both teams. "Y'did great. That's the best Capturin' the Flag match Ah've had in a long time."

"But I didn't win," said Rainbow, glaring as she watched Twilight toss a translocator puck down from the castle balcony; seconds later, she teleported down to where it had landed, and began walking up the bridge to Rainbow's position. "We didn't even come close!"

"Three flag captures out of five is nothing to sneeze at," said Twilight. "Believe me, we weren't feeling comfortable at any point. Your team is pretty solid."

"No it isn't," said Fluttershy, appearing over the crest of the bridge. She squeaked in alarm as she came across her own fallen, headless body, and trotted around it gingerly. "I'm terrible. I let us all down," she whimpered.

"You did not let us all down," Rarity said immediately, coming up behind her. "We wouldn't even have gotten three captures without you. And Twilight, that was... very mean," she said, although there was the hint of a smirk on her face. "Ganging up on a lady like that."

Twilight grinned. "It took quite a bit of planning to wronghoof your team. You adapt really quickly to whatever we throw at you. We had to make sure that you couldn't regroup quickly enough. Even then, the odds of success were only about forty percent. We got lucky."

"I want a rematch," Rainbow demanded.

"Oof," exclaimed Applejack, arriving with a bouncing Pinkie. "Nah, Ah ain't doin' another. That was exhaustin'!"

"I have to get back," said Rarity.

"Me too," Fluttershy added quickly.

"Twilight? Pinkie?" Rainbow asked. "Quick free-for-all?"

"Not for me," said Twilight. "I want to catch up with the Princess while I'm here."

"I'll play, Dashie!" said Pinkie. "The Cakes are refoalproofing Sugarcube Corner, so I have the whole day off!"

"Okay! I'm down for a one-on-one," said Rainbow, tossing her pistol in the air and catching it.

"Hey, you girls," boomed Derpy's voice from the sky. "Great game! That was so intense!"

"Thanks Derpy!" Pinkie giggled.

"Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, you're wanting a one on one match?" Derpy's voice asked. "I've got something you could try. It's a bit... different... but I've played it and it's really fun once you get used to it!"

"I thought you didn't play, Derpy?" said Twilight. "I mean — not that I think you shouldn't — but... with your handicap — I thought..."

"Ah, well," said Derpy, "This isn't your average everyday gametype. Ever heard of Snowdropmatch?"

Snowdropmatch [Bonus chapter]

"Okay, this is... different," murmured Rainbow, as she delicately negotiated a corridor, moving more slowly and ponderously than she had ever done in her life. Her ears were pricked, alert, straining for every noise she could hear.

Stepping out through an arched opening, she emerged out of the gloom and into the interior of a spacious factory chamber, much taller than it was wide. Bright industrial lighting beat down upon her, revealing the splendor of her colors, but she didn't flinch, blink, or even notice. Her usually-vibrant magenta eyes were dulled and clouded, staring ahead without any focus or recognition.

She was completely blind.

The gametype Derpy had put them into was almost the same as a free-for-all Deathmatch, but with one vital alteration: the vision of every player was completely disabled. Rainbow wasn't even seeing blackness, just... nothing. No visual sense at all. All she had was sound, the touch of her hooves on the floor, and an acrid smell that was currently stinging her nose and telling her that she was somewhere above the massive pool of acid that was the hallmark of this map. She found the lack of sensation both discomforting and strangely exhilarating, and she could easily see the appeal for ponies like Derpy who were already visually-impaired. The Snowdropmatch gametype was a fun way to even the odds and provide a new, unique challenge at the same time.

"Derpy? What's the kill limit?" Rainbow whispered.

"First to three," said Derpy, fluttering her wings as she hovered behind Rainbow. This turned out to be a mistake, as Rainbow immediately rolled forward, sprang up into the air upside down, and blasted Derpy in the gut with a beam of red electric death.

"Guaaaaaaah!" Derpy gasped. Her body twitched reflexively as it absorbed the fatal dose of energy, and she knew a moment of existential terror before the game rules asserted themselves, her admin-registered necklace protecting her from what would otherwise have been a horrible death. "Rainbow Dash! I'm the announcer! You can't shoot me!"

"You're not supposed to be in the game!" Rainbow hissed. "Why are you here?"

"Because... well... I wanted to watch up the action up close for once!" said Derpy. "You both can't see me, so I didn't think you'd mind!"

"I can still hear you!" said Rainbow, gritting her teeth. "You're putting us off! I need to be able to hear Pinkie to kill her!"

"I'm somewhere else!" Pinkie giggled over the radio. "Come and find me, Dashie! I'll give you a clue!"

"Pinkie, get off the line!" Rainbow growled. "This is supposed to be a battle of stealth and wits and senses! Derpy, switch off the player radio!"

"Oh... we usually leave it on," said Derpy. "Rainbow, you're taking this too seriously! It's supposed to be fun! I can tell you when you're getting warm, if you like."

"What kind of a challenge is that?" Rainbow snorted, rolling her blinded eyes. "Also, what weapon am I holding? Is this an instagib rifle?"

"Yep," said Derpy. "Infinite ammo."

"Good," said Rainbow. "Okay, go away. I need to concentrate."

"Good luck!" said Derpy, making Rainbow Dash grimace as her loud voice reverberated from the metallic factory walls. She invoked a mental command, and silently vanished.

A few moments later, Derpy appeared in front of Pinkie Pie.

"Hi Derpy!" said Pinkie, smiling brightly, her dull, sightless eyes reflecting the pegasus. "Now Dashie likes to play fair, so don't help me out!"

"I won't!" Derpy promised. "How are you finding this gametype?"

"It's... strange!" said Pinkie, trotting past her. Derpy hovered alongside. "I feel a little sad that all the colors are gone!"

"Awwww," said Derpy, smiling. "I can't do anything about that, I'm afraid. But it's funny, when I play this, I always catch little details that I never noticed before." She stopped flapping her wings for a moment, allowing her admin-granted gravity exemption to hold her in the air. "Like, can you hear that sound?"

Pinkie stopped and cupped a hoof around one ear. A hissing, fizzing, glooping sound, like a super-carbonated syrup, tickled at her eardrums. "Oooh! What is that? Is that the acid pool?"

Derpy nodded. Then she remembered that Pinkie couldn't see that, so she clarified: "Yep! Bet you never noticed that before, huh?"

"I didn't!" Pinkie admitted. She took in a deep breath. "And I never really —" — she wheezed and choked, suddenly — "— smelt it before, either! Wow, it's really strong. Am I, like, standing right next to it?"

Derpy hmmed, rubbing her chin. Pinkie was indeed right by the large pool of green, flesh-eating acid, about two hoofsteps and several agonized flails from becoming a pony skeleton. "Well... I shouldn't tell you, really. Rainbow's right, it's probably unfair if I help you. Sorry, Pinkie."

"Oh, that's okay," said Pinkie, waving a dismissive hoof. "So, how'd you get to be the announcer, anyway?"

"Oh, well," Derpy smiled, floating over the green pool as Pinkie continued on the move, one hoof pressed against the outer wall for guidance. "You won't believe this, but Princess Luna asked me personally."

"No way!" said Pinkie.

"Uh huh!" said Derpy, proudly. "You see..."

Derpy wished she wasn't crying. It made her feel terrible, and it only further compounded her aiming problems. She sniffled and unleashed another ball of electric energy from her weapon, allowing it to soar into the night sky before she took aim again.

Blam! Blam! Blam!

Not one shot even came close to hitting the shock ball. She screwed her eyelids closed, wiping away the tears with a hoof before resuming her fire. Blam! Blam! Her nose burbled, leaving a sharp salty taste on her upper lip. Blam! Blam! Blam! Lances of blue light flashed across the sky, but the ball continued to soar away, completely untouched, unpopped by the pegasus's errant blasts.

The shock rifle finally fuzzed and gave out, its energy source spent by the barrage of failed shots. Derpy threw it on the ground in disgust, sniffing heavily and wiping her nose with a foreleg.

The stars in the sky smeared into an ugly mess as Derpy sank to the ground, burying her head in her hooves. Another game ruined. That she'd ruined. She wasn't just a bad player; she was actively a hindrance to anyone who sided with her. Her team could have replaced her with a potted plant and done better for it.

She sighed and tried to decide the best way to end herself. The game admin was probably getting impatient by now. She extracted a sniper rifle from her inventory and squinted into the barrel. A self-headshot would be the quickest way, probably, but knowing how bad she was, she'd probably miss somehow. She tossed the weapon aside, and instead, walked to the nearest cliff-edge. An endless sea of lava stretched out before her, swelling and bursting in great house-sized bubbles of liquid fire. She closed her eyes sadly, and dove off the cliff.

Fifteen non-agonizing, non-flesh-searing seconds later, she opened them again.

The starlit sky was still there, as was the sea of molten rock, but she wasn't falling. She was floating. The cliff face from which she had just leapt from was receding from her as she gently rolled through the air, like a feather wafting in a warm breeze.

"Did I mess that up too?" she wondered aloud.

"No, my little pony," came a regal voice from behind her. Derpy flailed and wiggled in the air, trying to right herself so she could face the newcomer. "I have turned off the gravity. I hoped that it might lighten your mood as well as your body."

Derpy giggled a little at that fanciful idea, trying to focus on the shadowy form of the pony as they span into view. What she saw made her gasp in surprise. "Princess Luna?"

"It is I," said Luna. Her starred mane billowed gracefully in the gravityless air like she was underwater, and she seemed to be much more in control of her momentum than Derpy currently was.

"Wait... you're the announcer?" Derpy asked, her mane flopping over her eyes as she turned upside-down again.

"Indeed," Luna confirmed. "HEAD SHOT!" she cried suddenly, her voice booming with supernatural force, somehow causing the very sky itself to reverberate.

Derpy squeaked in glee. "Oh my goodness! I never realized it was you, Your Highness! Wait, you do this for every game?"

"Yes," Luna said, as her horn lit up with a soft blue light. Derpy felt a tug on her limbs as the Princess's magic aura wrapped her, arresting her gravity-less tumble. She was turned, instead, flipped right-side up and rotated until she faced the princess directly. Derpy performed the most respectful bow that she could manage without any ground underneath her.

Luna continued: "I greatly enjoy this sport, and I love to see ponies enjoying it as I do. Which is why it grieves me to find one of my subjects so troubled, long after the game has ended."

Derpy sighed. "I'm sorry, Princess. Next time I'll leave the game as soon as it ends, I promise."

Luna shook her head, a sympathetic look on her regal features. "That is not what I meant."

"Oh," Derpy said, realizing. "Right. The crying. I just... I just got a bit frustrated, Princess. I try so hard at this game, but no matter what I do, I just... I'm no good." She looked down at the lava bubbling away beneath them. "It's my eyes, you see. I can't focus on things properly, which makes it really hard to aim a weapon. It's kind of pointless for me to play, really."

"Yet you do," Luna noted.

Derpy nodded. "I... I think it's really fun. Well, it's not fun when I mess everything up, but it's... it's... it's such a..."

"A beautiful game?" Luna prompted.

"Yes!" said Derpy, with a vehemence that surprised even herself. "The weapons are so well-designed and balanced, and I know most ponies don't like the GES Bio-Rifle but really that's because they're trying to use it for direct offense when it's more of a zonal control weapon and I love the ever-evolving metagame of pickup management and map dominance that interweaves so harmoniously with the frantic yet measured combat. Oh, and I really like it when you poke someone with the Impact Hammer and their lungs explode out of their nose."

Luna smiled warmly. "I could not have said it better myself," she said. "You understand this game on a level that most ponies do not, Miss Derpy."

"Really?" Derpy said, looking pleased. But her bright expression quickly fell. "Even if I do, it doesn't make a difference," she frowned. "I'm handicapped. I'll never be any good at this."

"Is victory important to you?"

Derpy frowned. "Well... not to me personally. I mean, I don't mind if I win or lose, as long as it's a good match. But I'm just not cut out for this game. If I play a team game I'm a liability. If I play a deathmatch, I'm that rookie who can't hit anything unless she's point-blank range with a flak cannon. I might as well just not be playing at all."

Luna nodded. "Truly, 'tis most cruel that you are so afflicted, Miss Derpy. I have no doubt that, were you able-sighted, you would be one of the greatest players this game has ever seen."

Derpy nodded back, glumly. "Well, thanks, I guess."

"Do not thank me yet," Luna instructed, with a wry look. "Miss Derpy, I came here with a proposition for you. I do not know if it will be to your liking, and you are perfectly at liberty to accept or to reject, the choice entirely yours. But, based on what I have heard, I have a feeling you will like what I have in mind."

"A proposition?" Derpy asked, feeling a sudden nervous thrill that made her tailhairs stand on end.

"While I welcome the increasing popularity of this game, I have found it putting more and more pressure on my time," Luna explained. "It is reaching the point where I find myself having to cancel matches, lest they interfere with my royal duties."

"Oh dear," said Derpy. "That's probably my fault too, Princess. I've been playing this game as much as I can recently." She rubbed her neck sheepishly. "Well... can't you hire somepony else to be the announcer? Or does it have to be an alicorn?"

"Not at all," Luna said. "Any pony has the potential to be this game's custodian, be they alicorn, earth pony, unicorn... or pegasus."

"Oh, that's good," said Derpy, breathing out a sigh of relief. "I was worried that you would have to stop running the game."

"Or pegasus," Luna repeated, pointedly.

"I'm sure you could find lots of pegasi who would be great at announcing, Princess," said Derpy, with a smile.

Luna facehooved. "Miss Derpy, I would like you to be the new announcer."

Derpy nodded. Then she blinked. "What?"

"And then what?" Pinkie squeaked excitedly.

Derpy tilted her head. "Well, I said yes, obviously." She smiled at the recollection of the pride and joy that she had felt upon being selected — royally selected — for the role. "Being paid to oversee my favorite game? Who could say no? I mean, it does mean a lot of trips back and forth to Canterlot, but—"

BLAM! The air blazed with red light and an electron beam slammed into Derpy for a second time.

"Aaaaugh!" Derpy squealed, fluttering her wings madly. "Rainbow Dash!"

"Dashie, that was mean! You almost hit me!" Pinkie scolded.

They heard an incredulous splutter from somewhere above, and Derpy looked up to see Dash standing on an upper walkway, looking somewhere in their direction with an infuriated expression. "Derpy, why are you still here? You said you were leaving!"

"We were just having a nice friendly flashback! I mean, chit-chat!" Pinkie said.

"She doesn't have to be in the game for you to talk to her!" Rainbow Dash growled. The pegasus aimed her gun again at the source of Pinkie's voice and fired. Pinkie felt the air around her superheat, the extremities of her mane shrivelling and frazzling, but the shot itself impacted the floor non-lethally, just inches from her hoof.

"No, Rainbow is right," said Derpy. "I've interfered too much. I should know better. I'm going now." She ascended up past Rainbow Dash, and prepared to invoke the administrative command to return herself to her realm. "Oh, but Rainbow Dash, before I go, if I could offer a piece of advice —"

"No, I don't want any advice, just let us play," said Dash. "You want us to give this gametype a proper tryout, right? We can't do that if you're getting in the way."

Derpy nodded. "Okay. Good luck!" A second later, she vanished into nothingness, this time for good.

Dash readied her weapon again and took aim at where Pinkie had been, her ears straining to catch the sound of movement. The smell of acid was really strong here. She felt like she had to be right over the pool.

She also felt like she was falling. Her wing muscles were straining agitatedly in response to a sudden shift in balance, unable to spread due to the anti-flying enchantment on her necklace.

Oh. That's not good.

SPLOOSH!

Pinkie listened intently to the muffled wail, several seconds of thrashing, and sickly hissing and fizzing that accompanied the pegasus's dissolution in the acid pool. "Soooooo... do I still get a point for that?"