Why Emergencies Should Be Handled Calmly
Chapter ???: Still Alive
“You there!” she pointed to a particularly clueless-looking servant. “What’s your name?”
“Busybody, ma’am.”
Twilight nodded. “Do you realise the gravity of situation we’re in?”
He nodded. “I’m in a room with a dead body.”
Twilight gave an accepting grunt. “Exactly, and what does that make you?”
“A witness?” Busybody answered uncertainly, as ripples of doubt spread among the staff.
Twilight shook her head, almost sadly. “No, I’m afraid not. You’re all accomplices.”
A gasp spread through the room.
“I had a future!” yelled one.
“I want to go home to my wife and foals!” yelled another.
“I was—well actually I don’t have anything better to do,” admitted one in the back of the gathered crowd.
Twilight nodded. “I know, I know, but now that you’re committed, we’ll have to help this poor human.”
They all nodded at that. It seemed innocuous enough.
“We’re all going to bury him,” she finished and the room burst into panic.
“We- what?!”
“B-Bury him?!”
“I suppose that makes sense… what? I guess it does sound sort of exciting.” There were small mutters of agreement.
“But what if we get caught?”
“Oh Celestia help us!”
Twilight raised her hooves again, motioning for calm. The ponies balefully acquiesced.
“Okay, I know this will be difficult but we’ll have to do this quickly and quietly. Anypony thinking of backing out?”
A reluctant hoof rose up in the air. Twilight shot a quick sleep spell and the timid pony collapsed.
“Anypony else?” Heads exuberantly turned from side to side all around. “Good. Let’s get to work.”
——
Moments later, Luna crossed paths with Twilight and a bunch of servants dragging what looked like an unconscious, furless Minotaur across the hallway. Twilight spotted Luna and froze. The rest of the servants started sweating bullets.
Luna approached curiously.
“Ah, Twilight Sparkle, how lovely it is to see thee. Pray tell, what is it thou art doing?”
Twilight mumbled something incoherent in response.
Luna leant in closer. “We could not hear your speech, thou must speak louder!”
Twilight’s eyes shifted to the left. “Ah, it’s a- a- a-“
Luna frowned. “A what?” she pressed.
“A prank, Princess,” Twilight whispered in a very small voice.
Luna laughed as the servants shifted uncomfortably, still hefting their morbid package.
“Ah, a ploy, a trick, an antic! How delightful! Allow us to assist you, Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight struggled to get out of the sudden incredulous situation she had suddenly placed herself in.
“Ahaha, no need, Princess Luna. We can handle this ourselves—no need to involve a Princess, right everypony?” There was a fainthearted, unenthusiastic chorus of agreements all around.
Princess Luna saw through their deception like a hot knife through paunch fat.
“Unlikely,” she commented wryly. “Thine servants are quailing like newborn foals in the dark.”
“Ehehe if it’s all the same to you, Princess, we’d like to—“
“Nonsense! We shall assist thee in thine levity. Let us away!” At that, Luna levitated David roughly out of the hooves of the stunned servants. Depositing him on her back, she trotted forward.
Twilight cleared her throat, resigning herself to the inevitable.
“Over here, Princess,” she called and Luna corrected her course. The servants followed in a loose cluster, having lost all sense of purpose. Some of them wished they had taken the option to back out, back when they had the chance that is.
The mood sunk progressively darker as they marched to their destination. Twilight racked her brain thinking feverishly of any ideas that could detour them from this situation which was escalating by the second. First David, now a Princess, next the world! Just this morning she had been looking forward to a light read in the Archives—was that too much to ask for?
They rounded the corner and dumped David’s body on the grass.
“Well here is as good a spot as any,” Twilight muttered, beginning to grab clumps of soil and grass with her telekinetic field. Luna followed suit, still grinning cheerfully.
“What does this ‘prank’ involve, Twilight Sparkle? We have not heard of a prank that involves a hairless Minotaur and extensive digging in the dirt.”
Twilight laughed feebly, shifting more dirt. “It’s sort of a surprise. You’ll see, Princess.”
Luna cocked her head in confusion but followed suit and soon there was a hole about six feet in depth. Twilight lowered David into the soil and started shifting the dirt back in. At that, Luna put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder, stopping her.
“Twilight Sparkle, thou seemest a little… off today. Art thou alright?”
Twilight couldn’t take it anymore, she burst into tears.
“Oh it’s simply horrible, Princess!”
“Yes?”
“Absolutely tragic!”
“Yes?!”
“Simply horrific!”
“Yes, yes?”
“I killed David!”
“No you didn’t,” a dry voice echoed out of the pit. A bruised and dirty human made his way unsteadily out of the premature grave they had dug for him. He regarded Twilight carefully, slapping himself on the cheeks.
Luna and Twilight looked at each other.
"Zompony?" Twilight whispered.
Luna nodded. "Thou art correct, Twilight Sparkle."
David held his hands up.
"Hey, can't we talk about this?" he asked uncertainly.
[THE FOLLOWING SCENE WAS REDACTED AS IT WAS RATED 'M', FOR 'MAULED HUMANS']
