....I Didn't Know Your Middle Name Was Barbie
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....I Didn't Know Your Middle Name Was Barbie
Crashing waves of time and space folded into exploding novas and glowing nebulae. Bolts of lightning as wide as rivers struck innumerable times in the ethereal beyond, and a gentle aurora, not unlike Princess Celestia’s mane, stretched into the infinite horizon. With curious eyes, the master of chaos incarnate surveyed the In Between—his term for this roiling realm of astral anomaly—and started his slow, methodical process of finding the dimension he was looking for.
No two dimensions were always the same, but all shared the same tenuous connection to the In Between. Some dimensions could be dangerous, with creatures that Discord himself feared to cross; places where the demons of Tartarus delivered cruel atrocities on subjugated ponyfolk. He had no desire to meddle in the affairs of entities that made Lord Tirek seem like a mewling kitten.
Tonight was supposed to be a happy occasion, yet Discord still found himself missing Fluttershy as he half flew, half walked through the vast plane. Reaching out into emptiness, his claw wrapped around a knob slowly given form from the starstuff occupying the vast plane. Discord twisted gently, and the door to a connected dimension appeared and opened outward.
The door opened onto a small, midnight black filly sporting a horn, wings, and cat-like pupils in the process of cleaning the Golden Oak Library. She hummed a familiar tune as she moved books around the library; he recognized the melody as a slightly off-key version of the Cutie Mark Crusaders theme song, a classic little ditty if he ever heard one. Nowhere near as enchanting as Winter Wrap Up, but memorable nevertheless. Discord briefly stepped through his portal, greeting the surprised filly.
“Nyx! Good to see you again! Loving the new haircut! And that scarf...looks like a Rarity original. A Hearth's Warming gift, I presume?”
She sputtered and coughed before her thoughts formed into tangible and coherent words. “Huh? Who are you? Are you real? And how do you…know me?” Nyx squeaked, her voice wavering slightly. She blinked, then blinked again, but the chimeric chaos spirit remained.
“Only by reputation,” Discord gave a little bow, half in and half out of the door to the In Between. “Long time listener, first time caller. Wish I could stay, but I have little time to play. Give your mother a big hug and kiss from Uncle Discord. Ta ta!”
As the portal vanished behind him, Nyx could only stare in bafflement, almost certain that the astronomical number of chestnuts she had eaten that night had hallucinogenic side effects. She made a mental note to both research anything about Discord, as well as the threshold for chestnut overdosage.
*****
Being male, it was anathema to Discord's entire being to ask for directions (even more so than single file lines and alphabetical order), yet he hesitantly surmised it would make finding Eris’ dimension easier and quicker. Although Discord felt right at home in the bubbling chaotic cauldron of the In Between, it was best to suffer its magic in small doses.
Very. Small. Doses.
Discord snapped his claw and melted into a generic stallion’s body and face, leaving his signature tornado cutie mark as the only distinguishing feature. Poking his now bland (and boring) head through a new interdimensional door, he found himself staring at the books inside of the Ponyville Library once again--the same library that Tirek blasted to smithereens months ago. The library’s sole current occupant and librarian, a wingless version of Twilight Sparkle, tilted her head in confusion at the newcomer.
“Uh…can I…h...help you?” she stammered. Discord evaluated his options; time was of the essence, but she might be able to help him get to his destination quicker. She might not have been “his” Twilight Sparkle, but she would do in a pinch.
“Hypothetically speaking, if you were to meet a being with access to infinite energy, what would be the best way to find a plane with a dimensional rotation of 1.21 starswirls to the sixty-third power? Hypothetically.” His head still poked out of the rip in the space-time continuum; Twilight, amazingly, stood unfazed.
"If such a being actually existed, and a plane with a dimensional rotation of that magnitude existed, you should be able to apply Starswirl's 27th Law."
Discord cocked his head quizzically. "I'm a...simpleton. Please elaborate."
The mare laughed. “Oh, please. Even a magic kindergarten class would know that matching subspace dimensional rotations is achieved by creating an opposite dimensional rotation of equivalent thaumic potential. Starswirl’s Twenty-seventh Law of Quantum Physics.”
“So...you're saying I could find it if I spun around really really fast? Would that do the trick?” Discord posited.
“That’s….an…. oversimplification. Let me explain.” The studious unicorn levitated a nearby blackboard to her side, drawing all manner of complicated logarithms and equations, rewriting and erasing even as Discord made his stealthy exit back to the In Between.
“….So the square of two inverted spacetime anomalies is inversely proportional to the inverse of the sum of the area cubed!” Twilight panted, sparks coalescing from her horn as her brain kicked into high gear. By the time she turned around, muzzle twisted in the epitome of smugness and satisfaction, Discord had already high tailed it out of there. One curious glance at her grandfather clock later, she had forgotten all about Discord as panic began to set Twilight's mind ablaze.
"Horseapples...It's two o'clock already?! I missed out on lunch with my coltfriend for this? Blueblood is gonna kill me!"
*****
“Come back here you bastard!” A middle-aged man in pajamas with fuzzy bunny slippers on his feet gave chase to a humanized two-legged Discord, who was currently dressed as Santa Claus carrying a bag of gifts. Bells jangled on Discord’s red velvet coat, and the fuzzy pom-pom of his hat bounced merrily to and fro as he clumsily ran in terror down the narrow hallway from the angry gentleman behind him. In a last ditch effort, Discord removed parcels from the bag, and hurled them towards his pursuer. The first, a hefty hunk of fruitcake, flew wide and to the right. The second item he pulled out and pitched behind him was right on the mark. Struck by the weighty missile in the shoulder, the pursuer stopped to examine the object—a dictionary-sized book—for the briefest of moments.
It was all the distraction Discord needed to make his exit. Stage left. Post haste.
“What is the meaning of this, Q? Fifty Shades of Picard?!”
“Merry Christmas to you too, Jean-Luc!” Discord slammed shut the door to the In Between behind him; that would most certainly be the last time he tried to celebrate Christmas with the Enterprise.
“….And a happy New Year.”
Summoning a can of spray paint in a still human hand, he painted a red X onto the metallic doorway before spraying his mouth with two quick spritzes.
“Hmm, minty fresh.”
Shifting back to his preferred, equestrian form, his ears perked up at the sound of something. And that was the problem. There shouldn’t be a something. There should be a whole lot of nothing here in the In Between; whatever the something was, it was getting closer, and louder. And then Discord remembered where he heard that sound before, and when he had heard that sound before.
“Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope!” His eyes bulged as he turned tail, running on an invisible and shapeless road while a floating blue police box materialized into the nothingness, whizzing and whirring behind him. Hot on his trail, the ominous wheezing noise grew steadily closer as it buzzed with otherworldly fervor. Discord didn’t have time to turn behind him, but he knew exactly what he would find.
“Oy! Hello, then!” A male voice yelled from behind him with a distinctly Trottingham-ish accent.
“Aaaah! Not you! Not again! I haven’t recovered from the last checkup!” Discord screamed as his head swiveled 180 degrees behind him. “You can’t touch me this year. I have the one thing all doctors fear more than anything….
…Obamacare.”
“I’m not here on business, old chap. Purely pleasure. Joyriding.”
Discord scoffed. “One doesn’t ‘joyride’ the In Between, Doctor.”
The light brown stallion in the blue box laughed. “My guess is, you aren’t out here on a sightseeing vacation either. You might as well ride in style wherever you’re headed this fine Christmas Eve. Just got her tuned up on Raxicorifloponitorius,” the Doctor added, patting the side of the booth affectionately.
“I don’t know about this, Doctor. Bad things happen around you. Especially on Christmas.”
“I could say the same about you, Discord Barbie Q Draconequus.” The Doctor lifted his eyebrow with only the slightest hint of menace.
“Oh pishposh, don’t make me use your full name, Doctor-“
“Don’t you dare. There may be children listening….” The Doctor swept his head around, looking up, down, and sideways, “…in one dimension, or another, at least,” he added. “For today, let’s just disagree to agree, and put aside all childish squabbles and wibbly wobbles. Disagreed?” He offered up his right forehoof; Discord thoughtfully stroked his goatee before returning the gesture with his lion paw.
“Disagreed, Doctor. I couldn’t disagree more.”
“Well then; that’s absolutely fantastic. Welcome aboard, Discord.”
Author's Note
Thanks everyone for all the likes!
I hope you all continue to follow this story...there's a lot less heartfelt drama ahead and much more crunchy Discord zaniness to go around. Eris will pop up soon, though.
And don't forget to eat your Cha-Os! Stays crunchy in milk .7% longer and is part of a balanced breakfast!
Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
Flurries of snow twisted and turned in the dusky skies above Ponyville. Most of the local weather team tended to the few cumulus clouds loitering in the early evening, and the soft masses of water vapor shed their bulk as the busy pegasi slowly and carefully transformed the clouds into delicate crystallized water. One particular prismatic-maned pegasus savored her responsibilities, taking pride in every snowflake that fell as though she were a mother giving life to the wintry precipitation.
Rainbow Dash’s designated area of responsibility that evening brought the forecasted amount of snow to Ponyville’s eastern section, a sparsely inhabited but nonetheless important part of the rural Equestrian village well off the beaten path. It just so happened that Rainbow Dash’s childhood friend and fellow pegasus resided in a quaint little lodge out in the east side of Ponyville. And, it just so happened that the snow avoided falling haphazardly on the path coming from Fluttershy’s home to the main road leading into Ponyville, instead falling neatly on either side of the thoroughfare. It just so happened that Fluttershy’s least favorite chore was shoveling snow. It also happened to be Hearth's Warming Eve.
All an amazing series of coincidences, to be sure.
A sliver of lamplight escaped from the slightly open door, setting the snow outside aglow with twinkling hues of orange and yellow. Gentle notes of cinnamon, vanilla, and walnuts climbed upwards through the boreal night, beckoning the cyan mare downwards and inside the cozy and comfortable home.
Slowly opening the tree home’s door, the pink-maned homeowner tracked Rainbow Dash’s descent through the now cloudless sky. She curiously marveled at the wondrous beauty of the frigid winter’s eve. The cold winter air nipped at her exposed muzzle in a firm reminder of the temperature difference between the warm home and the freezing outdoors.
The mare complimented her flying friend on a job well done, heaping accolades upon Rainbow Dash’s already inflated ego.
“Oh wow, Rainbow Dash. It’s just gorgeous out tonight…you’ve really outdone yourself. Come on in…make yourself at home.” The door opened fully, admitting her ice encrusted companion. Rainbow Dash shook herself vigorously, dislodging icicles and sleet from her mane, tail, and saddlebags.
Chest puffed out and head held high, Rainbow Dash readily accepted her friend’s compliment. “I’m so glad you like it, little buddy.” Rainbow’s gaze settled upon an elaborately set placemat for two. “Oh, Fluttershy, you shouldn’t have done all this just for me!” she exclaimed.
Fluttershy glanced down, her flowing pink mane obscuring one eye. “Oh, I’m sorry, Rainbow…it wasn’t really, um…meant all for you…but…”
“Seems like this house isn’t the only thing filled with hot air tonight.” A familiar, whimsical voice echoed from the ceiling, where a certain draconequus stood, or hung, depending on the point of view.
Daggerlike eyes shot upward, their piercing gaze focused on the draconequus above. “Oh yeah?! Who let you in here, Discord?” Venom practically dripped from Rainbow Dash’s question as she stared up at the chaos god still standing on the ceiling. With a snap of his claw, he reappeared at the home’s ground level, where he leaned back with both of his appendages crossing his heart.
“If I may…please…” Fluttershy chimed in timidly.
“Why, Rainbow Dash! You wound me! I am an honored guest of Fluttershy’s….on the eve before Hearth’s Warming, no less. I must say, though, you always know how to spice things up, Ms. Dash.”
With a snap of Discord’s claw, a pony-sized spice shaker with a cheery yellow label manifested out of thin air. Rainbow Dash had just enough time to see her likeness on the label before the giant bottle vanished, returning to the aether from whence it came.
“Rainbow Dash, Discord, please….” Fluttershy inched closer to the two bickering guests, making her way slowly between them.
“Fluttershy, just say the word and I’ll take care of this…this traitor!”
“ENOUGH!”
With a word, deafening cracks resounded throughout Fluttershy’s tree home, as though Princess Celestia tore the sky asunder. Rainbow Dash was sent reeling as Fluttershy put her hoof down; Discord brought both arms in front of himself in a reflexively defensive gesture. A small but visible impact crater formed in a U shape just beneath Fluttershy’s left forehoof as she channeled the tangible and lasting remnants of Iron Will’s assertiveness training.
Fluttershy shook her head slowly, her pink mane covering one eye before she swept it back behind her ear.
“Rainbow Dash…you said some mean things to my guest, even if they may have been true.” Fluttershy turned back to her guest, her muzzle contorted with shades of both anger and disappointment. “And Discord…It wasn’t kind of you to insult my friend, especially after she worked so hard in the cold weather outside.
“Now I expect apologies.”
“….”
“….”
“….”
Fluttershy tapped her hoof, awaiting a response from either party as she looked to her left and right. “….Well?”
Discord wrung his tail and cast his glance downward. “You’re right, Fluttershy. That wasn’t very kind of me.” The spirit of chaos turned toward Rainbow Dash, who still faced away from him, forelegs crossed in front of her chest.
“I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash. You deserve better. And I understand if you still haven’t forgiven me for the….incident… some months ago. You are the embodiment of loyalty, after all. Betraying your friends would be nigh unthinkable to you…. impossible, even.” Rainbow Dash snorted derisively.
“You know, Discord, all of Equestria was pretty ticked off at you for months for helping Tirek, and most of Ponyville still is. I suppose it doesn’t help matters that I still don’t fully trust you. And I especially don’t like the fact that you’re chummy with my oldest and bestest friend.”
Rainbow Dash sighed. It wasn’t as though she was best of pals with Discord; not like Fluttershy. But, she reasoned, Fluttershy was her friend, and she should at least try to be more cordial towards him, for Fluttershy’s sake if for no other reason. Twilight Sparkle was always urging Rainbow Dash to give Discord the benefit of the doubt, but the brash pegasus was never really in a situation where compromise with the re-reformed Discord was likely; Rainbow Dash was just as happy not having to talk with him, or even seeing him.
“But it’s Hearth’s Warming Eve. Fires of friendship live in our hearts, and all that.” Her eyes rolled before turning back to Discord again. “Your apology is accepted. And…and…I forgive you.”
Discord’s jaw dropped. He promptly picked it back up off of the floor and reattached it to his mouth.
“Rainbow Dash…to be honest, I believed I would never hear that from you.” Discord vanished, reappearing slightly to the left, in between Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. Claws and paws wrapped around the two ponies, pulling them tight into a group embrace.
“You love me! You really love me!” Sloppy, wet kisses were planted by Discord on both Fluttershy’s and Rainbow Dash's cheeks before the cyan mare had a chance to escape the clutches of her chaotic captor.
“Gross…” Rainbow Dash's hooves reflexively wiped at her cheek as a soft pink blush began to build. “You got some slobber on me.”
“A little alcohol will clean that off in a jiffy, my dear. Speaking of…” With the snap of a claw, a brown tinted glass bottle with a fancy blue label materialized in Discord’s free paw. “I heard you have a penchant for cider, Ms. Rainbow Danger Professionalism Dash.”
Rainbow Dash’s jaw stood agape, her mind frozen as it pondered the meaning of the bottle of precious golden liquid held in the draconequus’ grasp. An entire season’s worth of weather team salary might not be enough to afford one swallow of its contents, let alone a bottle.
“I was going to save this for later, but in the spirit of generositude, I want you to have it. Here.” Discord held out the bottle as its contents sloshed gently back and forth in hypnotic rhythm. Rainbow Dash’s eyes never left the bottle.
“Is this some kind of trick?” Rainbow Dash asked, eyebrow arched ever so slightly as she did so.
“No tricks; I’m saving those for Nightmare Night. Just treats. Happy Hearth’s Warming, Rainbow Dash.” The bottle passed into the mare’s capable but trembling hooves. Her voice barely, imperceptibly quivered, and her eyes scanned the bottle for any traces of evidence that she was the target of the worst, or best, prank ever.
“Just where did you get your hooves, er, paw, or…whatever it is you have, on a bottle of Sweet Apple Acres Blue Label 20 Year Reserve?”
“There are some things money can’t buy, Rainbow Dash. For everything else, there’s DisCard.” Out of thin air, a small credit card appeared; advertised above it, in flashing neon lights, was the card’s 4.5 % Introductory Rate!
“Well, as long as you didn’t pull it out of your plot, and even if you did….I don’t want to know. But anyway… Thanks, Discord.”
“You’re excessively welcome, my fine feathered friend. I’m told that Fluttershy went through all the trouble to mix up her special candied yams, so the least we can do is help her eat them. Please, take your seat, my dear.” A bib appeared around Discord’s neck shortly before one manifested for Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.
Fluttershy pretended not to notice; her attentions were divided between setting a new place for Rainbow Dash and removing the special dessert from the oven. Steam rose from the piping hot candied yams; Rainbow Dash and Discord both licked their lips expectantly.
“I know you’re both chomping at the bit, but manners, please.” Fluttershy scooped a small portion onto each plate at the table, serving herself last. Crunchy walnuts and gooey melting marshmallow decorated the bright orange yams. “Discord, you’re the guest of honor this year…it would be great if you could say a few words…if that’s okay with you.”
“Moi?” Lion’s paw upon his chest, Discord’s eyes darted around the room. “I’m not so great at such things, but I’ll give it a go, I suppose.
“AHEM! To good friends, good food, good times, and good cheer….hear hear.”
“Hear hear.”
“Hear hear.”
Yellow hooves clapped together in dainty applause for the eloquent draconequus. “Very well put, Discord. Without further ado, then…let’s eat.”
*****
“…and then I pointed at her flank, and said, ‘Looks like a full moon tonight!’” Discord delivered the punchline; it wasn’t long before both Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash laughed heartily at their royal leader’s expense.
“Oh my stars, Discord!” Rainbow Dash remarked, occasionally gasping for breath. “I wish…. I could have seen the look on Princess Celestia’s and Princess Luna’s face… when you switched their….snert…. cutie marks!” Punctuated by peals of laughter, Rainbow Dash finally managed to finish her sentence. “Who knew you could be such a laugh riot?”
“I know, I know. I outdo myself sometimes. But I am serious…on occasion. Take tomorrow, for instance.”
“What’s so serious for you about Hearth’s Warming? There’s something even the great prankster Discord gets straight-faced over?” Rainbow Dash inquired. Discord sobered, all trace of mirth gone from his face.
“On Hearth’s Warming, I visit a dear friend. A very old, very dear, very far away friend.”
“Oooooh. Sounds like a special somepony,” Rainbow sing-songed.
“The most special, indeed.”
Discord yawned, stretching his arms high into the air before absentmindedly scratching his stomach…a stomach filled with candied yams. Fluttershy looked to Discord, silent pleading evident in her eyes. “Would you at least reconsider staying tonight? We could play charades…or Monopony….”
Discord shook his head, snapping his claw and summoning a small brown book. “I wish I could stay,” Discord said softly, perusing the pages of Pony Poems and other Such Nonsense. “Aha!” he exclaimed as he turned away from the two ponies, “Found it! ‘But I have promises to keep, and dimensions to go before I sleep, and dimensions to go before I sleep’. Really? Who writes such drivel?” Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash could clearly see the back cover of the book as Discord turned back towards them. Below a comically large ABOUT THE AUTHOR was Discord’s picture; the chaos god’s image winked and waved at the pair before Discord threw the book behind him and it flew away, flapping its binding as a bird flaps its wings.
“Before I go, I’ve got an idea I’d like to run by you, Rainbow. It’s been on my mind for months, but well, you’re the weather honcho in these here parts, pardner.” A small white cumulus puff appeared above the dinner table shortly before Discord, bedecked in cowpony garb, lassoed the cloud and pulled it swiftly into his open mouth.
“Yeah, I’m listening.” Rainbow Dash waved her forelegs, beckoning Discord over. He shrunk several sizes, hovering next to the cyan pegasus’ ear before sharing part of his own holiday plans with her.
“So we….and then….a little bit of….”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes flashed, and she turned toward a miniature Discord with a mischievous smile on her muzzle. “I take it back, Discord. You…you’re a genius. A mad genius, but a genius.”
“I aim to please.”
Fluttershy suppressed tears and a sniffle as Discord grew back to his full size again and enveloped her in a hug.
“Chin up, dear. Don’t look at the situation as me leaving you for Hearth’s Warming; rather, you get to spend time with your other friends.” Fluttershy nodded in agreement, eyes watery. “Besides, I promise, I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Pinkie Promise?”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly,” Discord singsonged as he floated above the kitchen table, wings flapping, “Stick a cupcake in my EIIIEEEEE!” Remnants of frosting splattered to the floor in confectionary chaos and chunks of cupcake dripped down his face, disappearing after a snap of Discord’s claw. “Those green ones with purple sprinkles hurt. As I was saying, I'll return tomorrow. An hour before sunset, stand in Ponyville Square and look to the sky. Bring your coffee mugs. That's all I can say. Toodles!"
With another snap, he vanished again, leaving the two mares to enjoy each other's company on the cold but beautiful winter eve.
“Let him go, ‘Shy. Means more yams for me.” She dug the ladle in to the cooling candied yams, pulling gooey strands of melted marshmallow as she heaped a pile on her plate. "Besides, he’s got awesome plans for Ponyville tomorrow."
"How awesome, Dash?" Fluttershy inquired.
"On a scale of one to ten? Epic."
