Twilight Buys A Toaster

by Cloud Hop

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life
Length: 989

Twilight buys a toaster. It doesn't work very well. Unfortunately for Rainbow Dash, she happens to be in earshot--and trying to check out a Daring Do book. Rainbow Dash begins to question her life choices.

Twilight buys a toaster. It doesn't work very well. Unfortunately for Rainbow Dash, she happens to be in earshot—and trying to check out a Daring Do book.

Rainbow Dash begins to question her life choices.

Published 2014-10-26 15:50:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-26 15:50:04 UTC

Beep

Beep.

A small, innocent beep was accompanied precisely two seconds later by a feral scream, and what sounded like a very large dictionary being hurled at a wall.

"IT WON'T. STOP. BEEPING!" Princess Twilight Sparkle stormed out of her kitchen, her face contorted with the fury of a young, volatile alicorn goddess. "It beeps when I turn it on. It beeps when I turn it off. It beeps when I change the toast settings. It beeps when I press anything at all. It beeps when I push the toast down. It beeps when the toast comes back up. It even beeps for no Celestia danged reason AT ALL!"

Beep.

Another large volume of The Encyclopedia Of Angry Phrases, Version 17, Errata 3 was hurled against a nearby wall, leaving a noticeable indentation on the wood. Rainbow Dash shrank away from the enraged purple pony princess, still clutching the flyer she had spotted on the way here that announced the release of the next Daring Do book: Daring Do And The Haunted Library. All she had wanted to do was to check out a book, not be subjected to a situation that belonged in said book and not in reality.

"Uh, Twilight, you do have that Daring Do book, right?"

Twilight whirled around, and Rainbow Dash cringed as a furious gaze drilled its way into her very being. "Do you know how many stores I went to just to find a toaster that fit my bread? TEN! Of these ten stores, THIS WAS THE ONLY FREAKING TOASTER MODEL IN THE ENTIRETY OF PONYVILLE THAT I COULD FIT MY BREAD INTO! There weren’t even any boxed models! THERE WAS ONLY THIS SINGLE TOASTER, THE LAST SURVIVOR OF A DEAD RACE OF TOASTERS THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY FIT TOAST INTO!"

"Well, uh—"

Beep.

"AND IT WON'T. STOP. BEEPING!" A nearby seagull spontaneously burst into flames, and two frogs by a pond were turned into oranges. Oh no, not again, thought the one on the left. The one on the right realized it was now much more tasty than it had been a few seconds ago.

Rainbow Dash's ears pinned back, and she wondered if she could just come back tomorrow to get the book. Unfortunately, she was no longer sure if the door was still connected to the outside, or to some unknown realm ruled by a demonic force.

"Of course, perhaps I should simply return it? I too, considered this course of action in light of recent events. But woe is me, for I cannot return LITERALLY THE ONLY FREAKING TOASTER THAT ACTUALLY DOES ITS CELESTIA FORSAKEN JOB because then it would be awfully hard to MAKE TOAST, now wouldn’t it?! INSTEAD, I AM FORCED TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO THE MADDENING TORTURE OF THIS TARTARUS-SPAWN THAT CALLS ITSELF A TOASTER, FOR IT IS THE ONLY CURSED THING IN EQUESTRIA THAT CAN ACTUALLY TOAST TOAST!"

Another piece of reality came unhinged as a magical whirlwind picked up around Twilight, who was slowly advancing on Rainbow Dash.

"WHAT INSANE WORLD DO WE LIVE IN WHERE STANDARD BREAD SIZES ARE A HALF INCH TOO BIG FOR THE STANDARD TOASTER SIZE?! HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE ECONOMICALLY SUSTAINABLE?!! HOW DOES A FREE MARKET MANAGE TO CREATE SUCH A RIDICULOUS SITUATION? DOES NO ONE ELSE TOAST BREAD? WHAT DO THEY USE TOASTERS FOR?! POPTARTS? TELL ME RAINBOW DASH! TELL ME!

Rainbow Dash cowered in a corner, wilting under the gaze of a mad god, as bits of parchment and books swirled around her in a maelstrom of hate and rage. Her wrath was so great that her soul reached out across the infinite divide, the unknowable nothing between dimensions that simply wasn't, and called out to the God Of Blood And Rage in the astral plane of suffering. Uldurmün The Feared looked up, and a voice rang out through the walls of his throne room. It didn't seem to emanate from the god itself, but instead was a sound that echoed everywhere at once, the very timbre of his voice enough to rend solid stone.

"Who has awoken me from my eternal slumber?"

A meek servant, his purpose so meaningless and low that his form was nothing more than a shadow that cast itself, spoke up. "Princess Twilight Sparkle did, your unholiness."

Uldurmün The Feared frowned, and the entire plane of suffering seemed to grow slightly darker. "Where does this... Twilight Sparkle hail from?"

The servant gulped. "She is a pretty purple pony princess from the land of Equestria, a world filled with friendship and rainbows."

"What."

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle was blissfully unaware of the existential crisis she had just caused. "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, RAINBOW DASH?! MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS! NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE! WE DON'T MAKE TOASTERS THAT YOU CAN TOAST BREAD IN! REALITY SHALL TEAR ITSELF ASUNDER AS THE GODS OF CHAOS WRITHE IN LAUGHTER. DARKNESS WILL CONSUME THE LIGHT, UNTIL THE LAST BEACON OF HOPE IS EXTINGUISHED AND ALL THAT IS LEFT IS A BARREN PLAIN OF MISERY AND DEATH!"

Beep.

In a blind rage, Twilight spun around and fired off a blinding bolt of magic energy at the kitchen implement, which was subsequently vaporized with great prejudice. Twilight huffed, and the errant pieces of flying debris slowly fell to the ground around her as the wild magical tempest died down. A smoking crater on her kitchen counter was the world’s only reminder of what had once been, and what could never be recovered. The toaster had been banished to toaster heaven, and its soul was now lost forever.

Rainbow Dash, who had a penchant for talking before her brain could catch up, saw fit at that moment to say the worst possible thing ever. "...Did you just vaporize the only toaster in Equestria that you could fit your toast into?"

Ponyville was subsequently obliterated.

Author's Note

I bought a new toaster today.

I don't like it very much.