Chapters No one made a sound.
It was as if David Cage had walked in and thoroughly tore, ripped and shredded both the Gurren Lagaan Blu-ray sets and Matt's Hitomi J-Cup poster in the span of one brief second. The Zaibatsu were speechless. Each member respectively reflected on the situation with their own outlook. Of course, they all had one trait in common, they were all baffled. Except for Pat who kept glancing over to the HF Blade replica over to the side.
No one knew what to do. Do they go back into the room? Do they run out the door and set the apartment on fire with the ponies inside then start a new life out in the barren wastelands of Detroit, scavenging for food among the broken wreckage of what once was a city? Or do they go to Australia and live out their days in the encompassing masses of the biggest prison on Earth? What were the fucks supposed to do?
Little did they know that whatever they did would have little-to-no consequence...or will it?
SO MANY QUESTIONS!
"I got nothin', man."
"This is all your fault, Woolie."
"It feels like it's my fault."
"Yeah, I know. 'Cause it's totally your fault."
"You know what? It could be worse."
"How the fuck could it be worse, Matt?"
"Well..."
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
"Why are we whispering?"
And it was at that moment that the four grown men realized they had taken an order to shut the fuck up from a tiny blue pony princess.
"Shit!"
"WE THOUGHT WE TOLD THOU TO H-...Tia?"
Luna hadn't even bothered to open her eyes the first time she ordered the guards the quiet down. Honestly, for ponies that were always so stoic, they sure could talk up a storm when they thought they were alone. Yet even after being told once, they still persist. Obviously, the princess of the night wasn't impressed. She'd have to give them a stern lecture on manners when the sun went down. When one of them uttered a rather loud profane word, her eyes cracked open sharply as she reeled her head up off her unfamiliar oddly uncomfortable pillow and hollered out into the hall from her bed chambers.
Except, half of what she thought of what was going on was complete bullshit.
She didn't even finish her sentence when she saw her. Bundled up along side her, a soft smile on her sleeping expression. Millions upon millions of memories flashed across Luna's mind eyes as she gazed upon the sight. She didn't even notice the brown walls of the cardboard box the two of them rested in. She didn't even notice the light blue curls of her mane dangling along her vision instead of a constant wave of spectral hair. She didn't even notice how high-pitched and young her voice was. All she became aware of in that moment was the light pink hair and bare-flank of her older sister's young, sleeping form and when the gears shifted in her head to emit a powerful resounding click in her brain...
..She screamed.
If there was anything Celestia was, it was one big contradiction. She was a princess. Now, when one thinks of a princess in anything, you instantly know the type. Regal, has important duties that you never see her doing. Is kind of useless most of time. Everyone loves her and you really don't know why and more or less, has somepony else do everything for her.
Celestia was afraid she was starting to become that. All she needed now was some hero with a magical dog or greedy monkey sidekick to come save her from some evil *BLANK*.
Back in her day, she was a fucking badass. Vanquishing evil left, right and centre. Signing treaties, making bits and bedding the finest stallions there were. Nowadays, she gets her flank handed to her by some overgrown bug thing on love-steroids, gets pushed back to the brink of all hope by some raging crossbreed freak-of-nature and is forced to rely on a single unicorn with a ragtag bunch of ponies to try and convert her broody emo younger sister and that hilarious guy, Discord (of whom she totally did NOT totally have a crush on, totally).
Old lady Celly always liked to think herself as a contradiction because of who she was, rather than what she was. She'd always be a princess but she'd never be THE princess.
A good example of this is when she and Luna were growing up and the little blue shit decided to wake her up. Instead of calmly telling her to pipe down and gently go back to sleep. She'd lose her shit, shout at her and gulp twenty gallons of coffee after finding that she just couldn't go back to sleep.
Now, apparently was one of those moments.
Celestia's face scrunched up in torment as the sound of screaming filled her sensitive ears. She whirled her head up and glared straight ahead, opening her mouth to tell the tiny bitch to shut up.
"LU-"
It didn't even take a second. As soon as her eyes snapped open and she saw the sight before her, she stopped. What was there to say? How does one simply react to seeing something like that? I'll tell you what.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
"AAAHHH!"
From the doorway across the room, the super best friends watched the two alicorns scream madly in terror at eachother.
I won't even go into detail about how they were reacting to it.
...Jeezus, Joel!
"Tia!"
"Luna!"
The Zaibatsu looked on in awe into the room, only just managing to see their stagnant blue and pink manes accompanied by their attentive ears and pointed horns. Inside, both fillies stared wide-eyed at eachother, unable to think of any coherent thing to say to one another in light of this ridiculous, dumb-ass situation that made no fucking sense. Then after an entire stupid long pause of which you fit in the entire soundtrack of Wonderful 101 into before it was over, the two small ponies finally spoke.
And it was the dumbest shit ever.
"You're Adorable!" They said in horribly high-pitched synchronization. They screamed it with absolute mortified expressions etched on their muzzles. Indeed, they were cute...and young. So, very...very young. At least, in appearance.
"What in Tartarus happened?"
"I don't know. Where are we?"
"It looks like-"
And that, ladies and gentlemen is what happens when a lady thinks that a guy's ghost zombie dick is reall-What the fuck? Oh, shit, I'm reading directly off...nevermind. This, everybody, is the moment in time that when Woolie the Liar, confronted by a mind-numbingly stupid and outrageous middle finger to reality, decided to not clench his bowels for the courtesy of others and pretty much, almost, not really but totally did almost shit his pants.
Woolie farted.
And it was loud.
Slowly, every pair of eyes turned to the tallest creature in the room. The abject look of horror that underlined his nervous, toothy smile only made Patrick more willing to murder the giant sack-of-shit. Woolworth's gaze flickered back and forth between his friends before snapping up to stare into the room, where two little alicorns silently watched him like a pair deer caught in the headlights. Their creepy, adorable, over-sized eyes peaked over the walls of the box like two tiny colossal titans. Matt, Liam and Pat steadily turned their gross man bodies to follow Woolie's long, hard stare, where they found their eyes glued to the gaze of the filly princess.
It was an intense moment of silently looking at something horrifying for all that day.
Against all better judgement and much to the shock of his bipedal counterparts, Patrick Von Midget-fucker was the first to speak.
"...Hi?"
"AHHHHH!!"
Celestia snapped to her sister as she let out a blood-curdling scream in that stupid, high voice of hers before she turned tail and took off. Of course, she didn't get very far. Babby Celly rolled her eyes right before Babby Lulu crashed, horn-first into the brown, cardboard walls of the box. The force of her tiny body sent the container toppling on it's side, they both let out a sharp yelp as they were carried along with it. Luna rolled over on her axis and landed outside the box and onto the floor on her back, Celestia smacked her chin on the cardboard and groaned, glaring at her collapsed sister while laying flat on her stomach.
"Damnit, Luna!"
"Uhh, dude?" Liam looked up at his pie-stealing companion, Woolie's eyes of Sauron snapped down to the most yandere of the Zaibatsu. "Let's get the fuck outta here."
"Uhh, yeah." Pat added.
Screaming like the babby bitches they were, the super best friends bolted for the front door with their gross man legs. All except Matt, who just stood there, frozen in awe at the scene playing before him. Not noticing, Pat and Liam crowded around Woolie as his giant, Hulk fist wrapped around the doorknob and with a firm twist...nothing happened.
"What're you doing?"
"It's locked!"
"What the fuck do you mean it's locked?!"
"It's LOCKED!"
"What kind of apartment locks from the inside?!"
"My apartment's stupid!"
"HELL YEAH, IT I-"
"Creature!"
The three spun around to find the most American Canadian in the world slowly back his fat-ass up into the centre of the room, a blank look on his handsome, rugged (So not) features. Much to their terror, out sauntering from the Mailbag room came scampering out the little blue one, glaring up at Matt with an outraged expression. Pat's heart sank to the pit of his giant gut.
"MA-"
"Tell us! Why have you brought us to this place?" She demanded, stamping her adorable little hooves on the ground with her itty-bitty blue wings outstretched.
"Uhhh..."
"Luna, calm down." Rang out another voice, still just as high and annoying but far more composed as the tiny white princess slowly trotted out, looking incredibly weary. "We don't know if-"
"Answer us, Biped!"
Somehow, Matt worked his jaw to speak. "I really don-"
"Sister, I don't think-"
"Now! Or does thou wish to be incinerated?"
Pat's quinty, old man eyes shrunk even tinier at that. "Matt, c'mon!"
Celestia's gaze calmly turned over to the ginger umpa-loopa and the hair on his small body stood on end. Much to his surprise, a thin smile adorned her features, directed at him. "Oh, don't worry about her. She'll settle down, eventually."
Pat instantly dubbed the small princess as a liar as he caught sight of the blue one's horn starting to glow with a swirling aura. Celestia noticed this aswell and instantly felt like a liar.
"Tell us! Why are we here and why are we young again?" Matt tripped over himself and fell flat on his American ass. He looked up just in time to find the small filly on him. Luna pointed her horn menacingly at his head, glaring up at him while trying to pin his fat body down with her tiny hooves. "Now!"
"I don't know!' Matt yelped. "We don't know! Look, we have no idea why you're here, okay? Someone sent you to us! Please don't melt my face! There's still so many boobs to motorboat in the world!"
A flicker of confusion danced across the princesses' faces at that. Luna shook her head briefly. "Do you have a name, beast?"
He gulped with a nod. "Matt."
"You're saying you found us?" She asked, eyeing him down.
"Uh-huh!"
"See, Luna?" The ivory princess spoke up, stepping up to the two. "They're not the ones responsible." She gave a slight nod and turned to the other three refusing to move away from the exit. "I don't believe we've been properly introduced. My name is Celestia, may I ask what you are all called?"
By now, Woolie had found the key to the apartment lazily sitting in his pocket. His fingers brushed against the cold metal tentatively as he stared at the alicorn in front of them.
"I'm Liam." The fucking otaku answered after a moment's hesitation.
"...Pat." Said the slightly evolved orangutan.
Shitlocks just sighed and lifted his other hand in a calm wave. "Hi. I'm Woolie."
"I assume this is just as...odd, shall we say, for you as it is for us?" She asked, her smiling never wavering.
"Oh, you have no idea." Pat groaned.
"May I ask, just where are we?"
"Ummm, Alexis Nihon." Celestia's head tilted at that. "Canada?"
Tia sighed and closed her eyes. "Clearly we are no longer in Equestria."
"Clearly." Luna added, quietly.
"Well, you wouldn't happen to have any clue as to how we came about to popping up here? And...like this?" Celestia looked down at her hooves, where her usual golden adorning slippers would be was replaced by a hoof she hadn't seen in eons, it seemed.
"Not a one." Pat answered.
Silence held over everyone's head after that for a moment. It was broken by an enraged growl escaping the cerulean alicorn's throat. "You're lying!"
All heads snapped to her as her horn lit up brighter in Matt's face, she bared her teeth at him, as if he were the cause of all of this. There needed to be somepony, somepony to blame and there wasn't anyone else more suspicious then these bipedal...things. They could play dumb all they wanted, she was going to get some answers.
Matt's features dropped in terror at the little blue pony. "Luna, stop!" Cried her sister.
"Talk!"
Matthew McMuscles squeezed his eyes shut. "I don't know anything!"
"Tis a lie!"
Pat's fists balled. "Get offa him, you-"
"Silence, small one!" He stopped right as she snapped her tiny spear at him, threateningly. Turning back to the darkly dressed one, she moved her horn closer to his unshaven muzzle. "Speak!"
"But I already told yo-"
"Then you leave me no choice." She said darkly as her horn shone even brighter.
Celestia's eyes widened. "No, Luna! Wai-"
"No, no, no!"
"Matt!"
"NO!"
Luna's horn broke out in a shower of sparks, exploding in a bright flash of white as Matt's body convulsed in volts of lightning pulsing through his body. Pat, Liam and Woolie watched in horror as their friend was brutally electrocuted in front of them by a pony. Patrick fell to his knees, looking on at the sight. Millions of images jumped in his mind's eye as he stared at his friend dying there in the room. He never even got to...never told him just how much he...
"...HAHAHAAHA!"
...hated that stupid laugh of his.
Everyone's brains slowly processed the scene playing out before them. Luna's jaw dropped as her eyes widened. Matt lay there beneath her, his mouth opened wide in a loud fit of chortling. Lightning danced across his frame as he rolled around, knocking her off of him, clutching his sides.
"Stop! S-stop it! It hurts!" He laughed uncontrollably.
In a chorus of blatant confusion, the three men and princesses alike all spoke out in synchronization. "...Wha...?"
Luna's spell ceased and the sparks were gone, the magic seeping back into her horn as Matt opened his eyes, tears dripping from them. "Ohhh, man." He sniffed. "That was...that was different." That goofy smile never fell off his stupid face.
She didn't understand. The creature was supposed to be begging her for mercy or dead right about now. Just what went wrong? Her head shot up at the realization. Looking down at herself, Luna found that her face was barely a foot off the ground. She internally smacked herself hard at that. Of course, like the body of a filly could hold enough magical prowess to successfully electrocute somepony, let alone whatever this Matt was. Luna felt the name was distasteful. What kind of parent would name their child after a small rug?
Luna started to become insulted. How dare he laugh at her? A princess. She eyed his form with malice. The princess of the night! She would show him. Luna's mouth slowly opened, baring her flat teeth. She wasn't his joke to be laughed at!
"Ow!" Matt suddenly stopped laughing as he felt a sharp pain in his arm. Looking down, he found the same blue pony holding his forearm in a vice-like grip between her jaws. "Ow..." He felt her teeth clench harder around his flesh. "OW!" He bolted up to his feet. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!!"
"Luna, what in Tartarus are you doing?!"
"Grrr." She growled with her mouth full.
"Get 'er off! Get 'er off!" Matthew yelped, waving his around frantically. She didn't even flinch as her body was thrown about wildly.
"Matt!" Pat rushed in, his friend spun around to see his short friend.
"Get 'er off, dude!"
Patrick bared his teeth. "Just...Hold still!" Matt turned his arm toward the ginger midget and watched in anticipation as his tiny babby hands wrapped around the princess's small frame. "C'mon!" Pat gave a firm pull, only prompting Luna to growl louder around Matthew's arm.
"Dude!"
"I'm tryin'!"
"GRRRRRR!"
The force of Celestia's hoof crashing into her face could've moved mountains.
"Got 'er!" Pat yelled in triumph as he gave another firm tug on the alicorn, hearing her yelp as her jaws were forcibly ripped from Matt's arm, much to the patriot's relief. He rubbed the spot where she bit like the babby he was while Pat struggled to keep the princess in his stubby paws. She kicked and cursed at him and he had a strong urge to just throw the little bitch out the window, see if those wings of her's weren't just for show. However, before he could, the little pony spun around in his grip and extended her hoof out to smack his stupid bearded face.
"Argh!" He cried out. Those damn things were hard . It was like getting turkey slapped by The Thing...not the shape-shifting alien, the orange rock man...actually, each of those scenarios are equally horrifying.
"Unhoof me, cretin!"
"Why don't you make me, cunt!?"
That's when Pat was assaulted by the same electricity Matt had been exposed to and that's when the world was subjugated to the horrible, horrible noise that was his horrible, horrible laughing.
"AHHHHAhahahahaAHA!"
Luna grinned briefly and gave his scraggly beard another firm smack. His head went to the side with a pained groan. His babby hands loosened around her body and she lunged forward, opening her mouth again and biting down on the crook of his neck. He cried out in searing pain and flailed around like...well, there was really comparison to make, he might as well have just blazed his own trail there with the way he was doing it. Points for originality.
Celestia frowned, sighed and casually worked into the kitchen. She was awfully thirsty and wanted to see if the bipeds had anything to drink. Preferably something alcoholic.
Matt sat back down, not really looking at anything as he rubbed his arm like a bitch.
"Hey, you fucks! Help me!" Pat screamed.
Something deep inside his dreads snapped that day as he watched his ginger pal get om-nom-nommed upon by a tiny blue pony. That little bitch had attacked them out of nowhere. They hadn't anything to do with anything and what does she do? She bites his friends! As he watched the angriest of the Zaibatsu run around like a mad man, he began muttering to himself.
"...track by a starving beast...looking for his daily feast..." Woolie pushed past the ever-silent Liam. "...the predator on the verge of death...comes to his last breath...."
Pat grabbed hold of the alicorn and yanked her off of him. She screeched for a moment before he let out a roar, throwing her to the side of the room. She landed with a thud and rolled on her side as he collapsed on the couch opposite of Matt, clutching his shoulder. Luna propped herself back on her hooves, crouched close to the ground and hissed at them as if she were a cat. Her eyes flickered from Pat to the taller, darker creature sauntering up to her. She looked up and down his fat, gross body and growled again as she saw his bulging, Hulk fists ball up.
"...getting close to his last breath..."
For the second time that day, Woolie knew it was time...to LET 'ER RIP!
Luna hissed again sharply and scampered over to Woolsworth before she kicked herself up with her surprisingly strong hind legs, coming face to face with him . They mirrored eachother's movements, reeling back their fists/hooves up back. They locked eyes in an epic cross-counter for the ages. Man and pony, squaring off in a duel of fates!
Isn't that just the hypest shit?
"RULES OF NATURE!!"
Celestia had found a banana, using her magic to peel it, she munched on the delicious fruit and watched the absolute stupidest shit in the universe play out before her.
Author's Note
Is it obvious now that I REALLY like that song?
Zandatsu Here
It had been a long and very, very ironically hard journey but the hour had come. After weeks and weeks of furiously opening presents from early in the morning to the darkest hours of the night, they were finally done with this shit. The dim yellow lighting of the cluttered room was anything but oppressive in the bleakest moment of the evening, glazing the adorning posters on the walls with a certain flare that just went ahead and melted everyone else's room to sludge. Four enemies friends sat around the room, an abundance of cool, nerdy shit splayed out across the floor and furniture, surrounding them in a haze of pure, unadulterated, orgasmic fan-love. All together, all with tired eyes and weak smiles, all with cheeks aching from the raw laughter that was shared, truly, this is what it meant to be loved to such a degree where it becomes the best/worst problem of all.
Happy with that? 'Cause it really didn't look like that. Seriously, it's just four dudes sitting around in a room filled with people's junk...honestly, you shouldn't believe everything you read.
To the side was a package. Nothing special, it was just a straight-up cardboard box with nothing really standing out accept the mailing details printed on the top. The largest one, the one that ravaged the Earth during his spree of pie stealing, reached over to it, using his unnaturally massive gorilla hands to hoist the box up and onto the small coffee table that stood in the centre of the room and acted as a stand to display the random shit that they got. "This one's got some heft to it..."
As the package hit the table with a dull thud, the smallest one, the one with the bountiful muzzle of lava and tinder shouted his tiny, baby lungs out, deafening the senses of his nerdy companions. "Finally!" His stupid, old man voice boomed through the walls. "We're done! Fuckin' Awesome!" The balding crack-head then took notice of the box in all it's cardboard glory. "Holy goddamn Hell..."
"Wow...that's a really big Bargh." Said the most American one, his voice was heard but his lame Punisher hat was nowhere to be seen as he was the one holding the camera. It's a good thing too, there's a fair chance that the device would just explode from seeing him in all his awesomeness.
"This is from..." The Pie Stealer started, checking around the box for any identification. It would've been alot easier to see...well, anything if his stupid shitlocks weren't blocking his vision.
"Jimmy Amazon?" The youngest asked, the camera would've panned to him and away from the Bionic Commando Gorilla but no one cares about Liam-Senpai, so moving on.
"Uhhh..." Hulk/Spencer drawled. "It looks like Jimmy Amaz-No, Wait!" He quickly cut himself, finally learning how to read. "It's from..W-w-Wow."
"W-w-w-Rw-w?" Asked Hitomi J-Cup's biggest fan.
"Let me see this." The fire-bearded one leaned over the package, just barely managing his stubby baby body to. He peered down at the box and made out only a few letters with his squinty geriatric eyes. "Whoa...No fuckin' shit, it's from...Drocsid? Drocsid-
"What?!" Shouted Matt and Liam in synch.
"-I shit you not. That's actually what it fuckin' says."
"That's awsome!" The fat American bad-ass zoomed the camera in on the name and what would you know? His angry partner in crime was not bullshitting. "From where?"
Woolie gave another look at the tag and shrugged. "It doesn't say."
"Open it!" Baby Ashley's Daddy squeaked.
"Alright, let's make this one count." As the blaring, stupid raps of Viper blasted through the television screen, a song burned in the four friends' hearts. Woolie, the liar, brandished a blade from his side. For a moment, it appeared as if his dreads had turned a snow white and his body was composed almost entirely of new-age cybernetic technology. As the shining steel came into the light, the Zaibatsu could've sworn that they saw lightning coursing through it. They all stared at him, in silent awe and trembling fear, they knew it was time. They knew it was time to let it rip...and I don't mean shit your bridges. Pain inhibitors were thoroughly crushed and deactivated, there was no need for them any more. What am I saying?
I'm saying Jack the Zaibatsu is back.
Woolie raised the blade high and with a final, blindingly quick thrust...
"RULES OF NATURE!!"
...He gently cut through the seems on the cardboard box with little precision and much caution with his tiny baby knife, as to not hurt anyone, of course.
Through their chorus of intense revengeance, no one heard the barely audible "Don't lose your way" coming out of Liam's stupid kawaii mouth and you want to know why? 'Cause Woolie wearing Senketsu or a bloody kamui in general is fucking weird and I don't want to write that shit!...Moving on...
"Let's see what we got."
"C'mon~, Bella Donna."
"Oh, my God." Pat stretched his tiny hands out and tapped the box. "This would be like five bitch fists."
Matt laughed that dopey giggle of his. "No, no! It's just one huge bitch fist!"
Liam shot up from his spot on the couch. "Two giant rubber fists fused together and now it's a super saiyan rubber fist."
Woolie kept a straight face as he cut along the edges of the box. "FU-"
"-SION-"
"-HA!"
"Oh, you guys, stop, please..."
"Never!"
"We're going to die."
"Shut up, baby."
"Dragon Ball is going to kill us."
"How can it kill us if it's already dead?"
"Ohhh, Matt!"
"What, I'm just sayin'."
"You're gonna get so much hate in the comments 'cause o' that."
"Whatever."
Woolie the liar let out a grunt of intense effort as he used his giant Hulk fingers to pry open the cardboard doors that concealed what rested inside from peering eyes. When the rough material was defeated by the fury that is the letter knife of the Zaibatsu, the dishonest fucker set it aside and unfolded the box. "What d'we got?"
"What d'we got here...?" Breathed Patrick Short-Pants.
The Bob Marley wannabe said nothing as he stared down at what was possibly the most non-mistakeable thing in history. The inside of the walls were layered in white, fluffy, very snuggly pillows hurriedly taped to the surface of the box. This confused the liar at first but when he saw what was laying at the bottom, he groaned mentally but very, very audibly. Whatever was resting there was covered by a single blanket. Woolie related it more to a washcloth that he used to clean his scraggly man face after a particlular messy pie-devouring session of awesomeness. Under it, he could make out only two peculiar hues of cerulean and pink, much to his chargrin, he could make out the point of a two white and blue horns sticking out from it.
Woolsworth didn't say a word and only smiled that shit-eating, 'Why not?' smirk that he is known to do in times of great disaster as he looked up to his friends. Patrick Von Dickbutt took this as an invitation to lean over and inspect the contents for himself. He too only scrunched his face up and fell back in his seat. The force of the initial impact of his scraggly bearded mug smacking dead into his tiny pale hands was possibly the most impressive thing the umpa-lumpa had ever accomplished in his unnecessarily long life. He began chuckling that weirdly high, happy laugh that he is known to do. It's true.
"What? What is it?" Matt McMuscles asked.
It was now the man in the Satsuki shirt to take part in the grand scheme of this unravelling. When he sat Pat, he only grinned widely at stubby friend. "Well, this one's for Pat."
"Goddamnit. I really don't wanna see what they are."
"Appreciate the fans, monkey!"
"Ohh but..." Pat didn't follow up and only fell into a heap of manic giggling.
"C'mon, man." Woolie reached inside as Matt stood up and peered over the box. He only scoffed at how obvious it was. The liar pulled back the blanket with his massive hulk fingers. What they discovered was not what they had expected and a small part of each of their brains melted in their skulls at the sight of the contents of the box.
Not for the reasons you're thinking.
Honestly, both were just mad that realistically, a great percentage of their fans were bronies. Sure, 2snacks was an excellent animator but none of them, specifically were into the fandom and yet, ponies just kept coming in the mailbag. Well, at least this was the last one.
"Here ya go, Pat." Woolie reached towards the still body of what's her face? Princess Celestia? Well, that's what the gorilla thought. Her mane wasn't that crazy, girly rainbow that he recalled from memory but instead, it was static, bright pink and was much shorter. Her eyes were closed, something he found odd but didn't question it and she seemed weirdly proportioned. He figured this was, like, the kid version of her maybe? Fuck it, time to give Pat his pony.
As the infamous pie stealer brushed his sausages along the texture of her face, two things caught him offguard at first. One: She was soft, like, weirdly, really soft. The second was that she was warm, again, weirdly warm and in contrast yet still not at all normal, the lying bastard could feel a bazaar cool breeze against his palm. His eyes slowly widened as he realised what this potentially meant and just when all unreal bullshit was unveiling in front of him, the tiny pony in the box nudged at his hand with his snout, curiously nuzzling at whatever was touching her. Once his hand was away from her, her body went limp and to rest once again.
It moved.
She moved.
It was alive.
She was alive.
And Matt hadn't been recording it.
Woolie (Because this was not time to take the piss) slowly recoiled and slouch back in his seat. His dark eyes stared expressionless dead ahead, not really seeing anything. He didn't look back at the box, he didn't look to his friends, he just sat there and stared at the floor without uttering a single sound. He could practically feel the heat of the gears turning in his brain, slowly trying to comprehend what was happening in his filthy pie-stealing life (Because it's not fun to write unless I do).
Patrick The Invisiblessed gave his companion a curious glance. Just what was it inside? He didn't think anything could surprise them now, not after giant fucking swords and living insects but evidently, whatever was in the package this week was enough to stun Woolsworth into silence. The walking tampon was glad to not have to hear the fat fuck across the room spout shit from his mouth but still, it unnerved him greatly to see him in that state. Instead of waiting for someone to act, Pat took the initiative and stood up, his stubby babby legs only just stabilizing his lumbering body of blubber upright. He leaned over and peered his squinty eyes into the box. Whatever the angriest of the Zaibatsu expected, it certainly wasn't this.
At first, Pat just rolled his eyes as his mouth creased into a thin line across his beard. Resting at the bottom of the weirdly cushioned-up box were two ponies. He felt really ashamed in himself that he knew who they were and what they're names were and the fact that he noticed particular things quite different to what he had seen of them. A little Luna and Celestia. As this registered, Pat instantly regretted ever making that god-awful joke at the end of Matt and his Amnesia video. He did it for a laugh but no way did he ever prepare himself for the onslaught of bronies that were evidently fans of the channel and call him out on it. Hell, the amount of pony shit in the mailbag so far was baffling. Never before had Pat wanted to actually be in contact with 2snacks...just so he can suffocate him with the two plushies in the box.
David Cage’s biggest fan opened his mouth to voice whatever vile-filled sentence he had to say but was stopped by a brief flicker of movement. This wouldn’t have had any real effect on him unless it was from anywhere else but no, in the corner of his eye, he caught the slightest fidget made by the tiny blue pony, cuddled up in herself as she lay adjacent to the white one.
Twitch.
It was the tiniest little thing in the world and it was enough to make the man’s brain feel like it had just been grabbed by Godzilla and thrown into the sun. Pat just stared as the little cerulean horse’s muzzle scrunch up, her mouth formed into a tight frown and for a moment, he could make out slight rummaging behind her closed eyelids. It was dreaming.
She was dreaming.
Pat slouched back in his chair, he didn't even notice the other two of his friends follow suit. He didn't even see them look into the box with him but a quick sideways glance of his gaze assured him that they had seen what he had and were, ironically, having the same reaction as him and Woolie. He turned to Matthew, he wasn't even holding the camera up anymore, Pat wasn't sure if he focused it in on what was in the package at all but now all that was being recorded was an empty space in the carpet.
No one spoke. What was there to say? How does one just deal with something like this? To have the impossible literally sent to them and what? Are they just so supposed to deal with this? To instantly know what to do and-WHY AND HOW THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING?
Befittingly, that was the conversation that they were having right now.
"What the fuck, dude?"
"H-how...?"
Pat looked to Matt. Matt looked to Woolie. Woolie looked Pat. Nobody looked at Liam...would you?
"I need a drink."
Patrick didn't say another word. He just left that hanging in the air as he stood up and walked out of the room. No one protested. In fact, simultaneously, each man followed suit after their itty bitty babby companion.
If this was a script, it would read; "Cut to kitchen scene where the Zaibatsu sit around Woolie's living room, already buzzed by the level of alcohol they had consumed in the past twenty minutes" but it's not a script, so it has to be written like a novel...but surprisingly, that gets the point across. Maybe I should write screenplay instead...Anyway.
"What're we gonna do?" Said the narrator, reading off Woolworth the giant pie-muncher's lines.
"I say we find some Brony and make this his problem!"
"Or her."
"Let's be real, now."
"No, there are actually girl Bronies...they have a nickname though."
"Whatever."
"But guys, here's the thing. Someone sent us that package. Somebody in the world posted us ...that."
"Is that what we're just going to call it?"
"What?"
"'That' 'cause let's be fair...from what we all know, those are two magical horse girls in there."
"Your point?"
"They're sapient, also."
"We don't know that! That could just be stupid actual horses!"
"...Maybe 2snacks will take 'em."
"Maybe 2snacks fuckin' sent 'em!"
"Whatever!" Matt, after remaining quiet the entire time, spoke up. "Who cares who sent it?! It's here now and we gotta decided what to do with...them."
Pat resisted the urge to smack him right on the back of his lame punisher hat. "I swear to God, if you just woke them up with th-"
"HUSH! YOUR PRINCESS IS TRYING TO SLEEP!!"
So Smooth, You Can't Take it!
So Smooth, You Can't Take it!
On the last exciting episode of whatever the fuck you're reading.
Matt, Woolie and Pat were locked in an epic battle of brawn and wits with a minuscule, squeaky, babby pony princess of evil and darkness and were sent spiraling down into their own personal Hellish forms of psychological and very physical torment. Woolsworth Mcfuckerthatnobodyfuckinglikes lost most of his precious tendrils of gross dick cheese that hung precariously down from his stupid, fat head. He screamed like a bitch as the tiny alicorn munched on that shit like Sonic the Hasn'thadagoodgameinyearshog plows through chili-dogs. Matthew Von'Muricastein nearly got the drop on the small bundle of chaos, to no avail other than losing his star-spangled nuts by a sharp hoof crashing into his junk.
Patrick Sir WishhewasascoolasLeonKennedy found a comfortable seat on the couch in the middle of the room. His blank, puny eyes stared dead ahead with no real emotion in them, not really looking at anything as his bulging, small body sat there, limp and lifeless. Little did he know that his disgusting orange hair was practically exploding forth from his old man scalp, like escape out of the USG Ishimura. Oh, wait, that's a bad comparison because apparently they were none...so with that in mind, it now makes sense, doesn't it?
WHAT'RE YOU DOING?! STOP READING AND GO PLAY VIDEOGAMES!
Celestia casually sipped at her on her juice box, held suspended by a faint golden magical grip as she sauntered out of the kitchen. She tilted her head slightly to the side as a, what she could describe as a giant rubber fist came flying across the room. Then another. Another? How many of these creepy fucking things did these bipeds have?
The princess shrugged it off and trotted over to where the short one sat. She studied him for a moment. He was a blank slate, she pitied him slightly. From what she had seen in the past hour, the big one and darkly dressed one were practically his Luna. His Lunas . She didn't know what to make of the young and boyish (Totally not charming) creature, just sort of huddled in the corner like a lost little foal. This one, however, was different and she almost felt like she could relate to the shirt, ginger thingy.
"May I sit with you?"
She didn't think he'd respond, as deep in thought as he looked but to her surprise, his gaze drifted over to her. There was little to no emotion in his eyes, like he had just given up on everything. He didn't say a word, something that made her quite nervous under his blank stare but she was put at ease when he suddenly spoke.
"Why the fuck not, right?"
Celestia nodded and fluttered her tiny wings as she kicked herself into the air, hovering on up over the couch before plopping herself down on the cushions. Wrapping her lips around the straw, she gently sucked in the fruity goodness of her drink as she watched the dumb display of bullshit unveil before her.
"This battle is over!" Luna screeched as her magic reached out and grabbed every object her horn could spread it's grip enough to grasp at.
"It ain't 'til it's over!" The large one roared in defiance, clutching onto the hilt of his sword with his meaty, sweaty man fingers, glaring at her sister as she herself lowered to the ground, baring her teeth up at him.
Luna propelled her makeshift arsenal of junk at the beast, growling all the while, almost as if frustrated that the giant before her kept cutting in half everything she threw at him with her magic. Celestia was perplexed that he was singing or rather, yelling at himself as he did so, something about rules...?
Her fur practically leaped off her sensitive skin when the midget next to her clutched his balding hair as he stared, mortified at Luna while she started throwing thin, boxes up at the mega-samurai. The mock-swordsman's eyes widened and he took to dodging out of the way of her newly found ammunition. Poorly. Luna cackled madly as each shot connected viciously with it's target, all to muster out the brief 'Ow's of pain escaping the large one's big, oddly pie-shaped mouth.
"Not Berserk volume one!" The short one began screaming. "Not Berserk volume two! Not Berserk volume three!! Not Aliens: Colonial-Ahhh, fuck it." Celestia eyed him curiously while he sunk back into his chair, looking more tired and depressed than ever. She let him sit there silently for a few more moments but was prompted to speak up when he met her gaze.
"I am...sorry about my sister." She offered a nervous smile.
Patrick just waved her off grumpily, sliding his eyes over to where the one with the skull on his head lay. He shimmied his body along the floor, holding tightly onto something he stretched out to the filly alicorn. Pat lifted his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose, much to the ivory princess's confusion.
"Take Arkham Origins...please!" Was all he managed to say before his stupid, bearded face connected sharply with the floor. These were some strange creatures.
"Is...is it always like this here?" She asked.
Pat sighed. "Nope. Today's extra, extra, extra dumb."
"I see."
Hands?...Hands, what are you doing? No, stop it. Stop it, no. Don't.
"I'm sure we'll figure everything out once they kill eachother." He added. Looking on as Woolie and the blue one started literally dueling it out, his friend with the HF blade replica and the pony with some kitchen knife she found, waving it around in that weird magic shit. Sick combos, high times and million stabs were NOT happening.
His brow ascended when his ears caught a sound that confused him greatly. A sweet, light giggling emanating from the little white pony by his side. "Should be a while, at this rate."
He let a grin come to his creepy, nerd face at that. "You're losing your way, Woolie!" He yelled across the room.
"Fuck off, Pat!"
The ginger slid back into his aura of comfort, chuckling all the while, watching his old buddy ninja sword fight a baby horse. An alien baby horse. God, this just got dumber and dumber the more he broke it down. Eh, still isn't as retarded as under-water Chinese ghost bases.
Celestia glanced back and forth between the Zaibatsu. "Your friends are very..."
"Stupid?" He offered. "Dumb idiot, ugly, nerd assholes? Yes, I know."
"...I was going to say 'peculiar'." She rolled her eyes. "Also, that's an oxymoron."
"Wha...?"
"Well...have you ever heard of a smart idiot?"
"Well, you know-Ah..." He stopped, his gaze slowly drifting down. She could almost see the gears turning in his brain. It clicked when he let out a low groan and folded his arms over his chest.
Hands, please stop. Why don't go to a porn site for a little bit? What'dya say, huh? C'mon, just don't...don't...DON'T!
Pat slouched his head over his shoulder, playing the Shadow of the Colossus theme in his head as he watched the little blue pony grit her teeth and drop her knife altogether before lunging for his tall, black friend. He staggered back as she pounced onto his chest, grabbing onto the hem of his shirt and bashing her forehead against his dread-coated skull. He reacted quickly and latched his fat hands around her small body and ripped her from his body. Pat expected him to throw her, maybe out the window or across the room, maybe he'd headbutt her back and punch but nope. Woolie just kinda held her away from him and just...shook her.
That sounds dumb, right? Just reading that. Imagine how it was to be there, looking overhead as all-seeing watcher, as all authors are. He just stood there, brought his face close to hers and yelled. Like, alot.
"ORRRRRRGGHHGGGHHGG!!!"
It was loud and guttural as he shook her violently in his gross man hands. She couldn't even retort, her lips were bouncing off themselves, making her vocal chords let out weird wobbly blurred noises. Imagine taking your best friend by the shoulders and shaking them because they're a fucking idiot and bought a smart car and you have to put some sense into them. Now, take that noise they make and put it under the video file of a GIF of Woolie shaking a small, blue alicorn, yelling nonsense at it's face the whole time inside his wrecked apartment.
Fucking dumb.
"NO, LUCA!! NO!!"
Oh and it gets dumber.
"ALL SONS OF ALL GODS....!!!"
"PffttWahahahahahahahahaha!!"
Everything stopped at the sound at that mad cackling radiating from nowhere. No one spoke. Matt's lazy ass face shot up in time to join in as every pair of eyes darted in every direction.
"...Die?"
"Oh Ho Ho HO!" It started up again. "I swear! I would have NEVER gotten a show as good as that with Arin and Danny!"
Patrick's gaze fixed onto the pony sitting by his side as her body stiffened. Her eyes shot open, her pupils dilated to pinpoints, her back straightened and every hair that decorated her frame stood right up on end.
"Certainly not from Mr. Where's the Blacksmith." That's when things started happening. All the ruined miscellaneous junk that littered the room swirled upward in a beginnings of a tornado. Celestia's hoof, for the second time that day, crashed into her muzzle with the force of a freight train. Luna, still held tightly by the giant, just groaned and rolled her eyes, murmuring something to herself. Before the Zaibatsu's eyes, a small ball of light formed in the centre of the room and began to expand, flooding the room in a blinding light. Blinding whiteness enveloped the room in a blast of energy like the stupid special effects in the new Star Trek movie. It was gone just as quickly as it came.
When Pat removed his arm his eyes, he noticed Celestia looking exactly like he did. Her gaze cold and expressionless, like she had just given up on everything. He really didn't like what that said to him. "Who even is Tobuscus anymore?"
Slowly, ever so slowly, Pat turned his head to meet the source of the new voice. Where had he heard it before? There stood a creature in the apartment. It's mismatched yellow, sharp, crooked, white, straight and long teeth glinted in the light as it's lips curled into a wicked grin. Patrick didn't know what to make of it, it was just a jumbled up mix of animals merged into one and looking all cartoony and shit. It's head swiveled around, it's yellow eyes taking in all it had to see, specifically, the members of the Zaibatsu. It stopped when it's gaze lowered to him, Why did it have to be so tall?
Suddenly, it was gone.
Pat felt a soft but firm weight press down on him. "And Radbrad? Pfft. King of Playthroughs, my eye." The voice spoke directly into his ear. His head turned and he let a yelp as he stared deep into the creature face barely an inch away from his own, he noticed it's lion paw draped over his opposite shoulder.
"But you..." He hissed, slithering away from him and over to Matt, who gawked up at the creature from his still balls-are-in-pain spot on the floor. "Oh, you. You were perfect."
"What are you doing here, Discord?" Celestia spat.
The weird snake thingy spontaneously donned a cloak and hunched away from her. "Well..." He said, in that creepy British Igor voice. "I just came by to say..."
The freshly dubbed 'Discord' spun around on his cloven heel, flipping the hood off his head and spreading his arms wide for his beautiful audience. "That IT WAS ME, AUSTIN!"
"Aww, sonuofabitch." Luna muttered.
"What?!" Woolie screeched.
"It was me, Austin!" In the background, the applause of an invisible crowd went wild as fireworks went off spiraling into explosions in the apartment behind him. "It was me all along!" He screamed to the Heavens.
"But..." Patrick somehow found the will to speak. "Why!? Who are you?!"
Discord leaned forward with a cheeky smirk. "Aww, what's wrong, Pat? Don't you recognize you're good friend, Jimmy?"
Luna landed with a yelp and a dull thud on the ground as Woolie's whole body trembled. "Y-you're..."
"That's right!" Discord yelled. "I was Jimmy Amazon the whole time!! HaHA!"
He laughed. It was annoying how much he laughed. He was annoying. She was annoyed. Then she was angry. How annoying he was fueled her anger and he only go more annoying. See the pattern here?
Without a word, Celestia frowned deeply and hopped off the couch. Pat silently watched her trot up to Discord's leg, spin around on her heel, reel back and buck in his knee. He yelped briefly and toppled over, his spine crumpling enough for Celestia to jump up and tug down his face by his goatee with a firm hoof. For a moment, she just glared into his mismatched eyes but that didn't last long before she brought her other hoof back and smacked his face to the side, never letting go of his beard.
Patrick learned right there and then that ponies had fucking huge nuts. The hugest.
"Change us back." She said flatly. "And take us home."
When he only stared dumbly back at her, she rewarded him with a another sharp slap.
"OW! Okay, okay!" He said as she let go of him. Standing up to his full height again, rubbing his cheek, he gave a slight glare down to the princess as he snapped his talons.
Two white flashes shone brightly throughout the room. Once they cleared, the two small fillies were thoroughly replaced by two huge goddesses alicorns of might ~~that almost took up the whole apartment.~~ that were SO not big or overweight at all-OW! TIA, STOP!
Anyway, small horses became big horses. Get me?
Woolie watched as Luna stood up to her full height and dusted herself off, her horn just barely coming up to his chin. She looked up and he stared into those beautiful pools of turquoise for what felt like an eternity. Luna smiled and stepped up to him, placing a covered hoof on his shoulder and nodded resolutely and out through her soft and regal voice, she spoke to him.
"GG."
His jaw dropped. His brain only had one response to that."...Let's play Mahvel."
She turned and crowded around the draconequus along with her older sister. The blue princess looked up at him, seeing him offer a nervous smile...one that was thoroughly knocked right off his face by a strong Falcon Hoofpunch.
Patrick never felt so small in his life. At her full height, Celestia easily stood a head above his gross balding hair. She stood there, next the thingy and the blue pony that nearly killed Woolie. She turned to him and smiled sweetly, not saying a word. Discord raised his paw up and pushed his claws together. Out of everything that happened that day, this would be the most prominent in their memories.
All at once, the three shouted.
"SEE YA, FUCKERS! "
There was a snap. The next thing they knew, they were gone. That was it, it looked like. What did they expect? A meaningful goodbye? Pfft. Yeah, right.
Woolie stumbled slowly over to where they all once stood. "...Mahvel...?"
Pat sighed. "It's a really...really versatile phrase."
Matt rolled onto his back and coughed. "If you've got..."
Woolie crumbled to the floor on his knees. "...A thing to send..."
"The super best friends..." Liam added.
"...Fucking don't ."
"HA! Heh haa." Matt groaned out a laugh. "America."
Kirby Theme.
Author's Note
You cannot believe the odyssey I went in naming this chapter
Now, tell me, who wants DLC for this?
