My Twilight Facade

by axelsempai

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Spike, Comedy, Other, Sex, Profanity
Length: 247472

Suddenly, I'm Twilight Sparkle and I don't want to be here.

I used to be a human, but then I pissed off a wizard. Now I'm stuck in "Ponyville", in a land called "Equestria", and with no apparent way back home. I'm also pretty sure that I've just replaced somepony. I'd rather not have to answer any tricky questions, so I'm better off trying to be this unicorn whose name has been forced onto me.

My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I'm not a pony.

[Rated Teen for extensive use of vulgar language and sexual references.]

[Cover art made by richhap on deviant art. Unamused Twilight, go figure.]

[Brybrythesciguy is working on a cool audiobook of this story right HERE. The characters' voices are even simulated with an AI! I definitely recommend giving it a listen!]

Published 2014-10-26 17:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2021-10-15 19:29:41 UTC

Friendship is Obligatory: Part 2

Friendship is Obligatory: Part 2

I left Spike upstairs on the big bed, letting him rest. The poor kid was delirious, babbling about Nightmare Moon. I was scared too, but I was in no position to be laying down on the job. I needed to find a way to stop Nightmare Moon, and I didn't have much time.

Having noticed earlier that the library was arranged alphabetically and not using some arcane decimal system, the search for the book I needed was pretty short. The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide. I plopped the book onto a table and started reading.

I would have liked reading to completion, but the door slammed open with a rainbow blur speeding up to me. Rainbow Dash stopped just short of my face, glaring at me. "What's your deal?" She demanded. "First you're being all brave, then you just run off like a coward!"

"In case you didn't notice, Rainbow, Nightmare Moon is far too strong for anyone to handle alone. This was a tactical withdrawal."

"Tactical, my flank!" Rainbow accused, waving her hoof around.

I opened my mouth to respond, but I was interrupted by Applejack, who was entering the room with the others. "Settle down there, Rainbow. Nopony's blamin' her for runnin' off." She turned to me with a frown that demanded answers. "But you know something we don't, don't ya Twilight?"

The others stood side by side, and all stared at me, expecting an answer. I nodded, conceding their right to know. "Right. Nightmare Moon is an angry goddess who was imprisoned on the moon for a thousand years. Now that she's free, she will bring eternal night, which will inevitably kill all life on the planet. I need to stop her somehow, but the only way I can figure to do it, is to find the artifacts that beat her last time: The Elements of Harmony."

"So you know where they are?" Asked Rarity.

I shook my head. "Not really. The last known location of the Elements was the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters." I read a little bit more, noting that the Elements were based on a few core values. Kindness, Laughter, Honesty, Generosity, and Loyalty. There were six, but only five were known.

Hm, how about that. I found it awfully coincidental that there were six Elements, and six of us. Thinking hard about it, things were making a little sense, in a conspiratory way. Each of these girls was a known factor in this world, but I was the only one who was a mystery, just like that elusive Element. Was it fate that we correspond to these artifacts?

Applejack's voice brought me out of my considerations of numerology. "Uh, Twi? You all right, sugarcube?"

I realized that I was staring at everyone in contemplation. I lightly shook my head. "Yeah, I'm fine. Anyway, the castle is in the middle of the Everfree Forest. I'm sure we can get in there and get out before Nightmare figures us out, no problem."

Fluttershy, similar to everyone else, started shaking. "D-did you say the Everfree F-forest?"

"Yeah. Is that bad?"

"Bad?" Scoffed Rarity. "It's terrible! The Everfree Forest is the most dangerous place in Equestria!"

"Pfft! I'm not scared!" Rainbow boasted. She shifted uneasily in place.

"Good, because we need to get going pretty soon. Anyone want to come with me?" I offered. I figured I would need some help. These girls were most likely connected to this all, somehow, and I doubted I could do this alone. I just hoped that I wasn't finding paranoid connections where there were none.

"Heck yeah! I'm not letting some obnoxious moon pony win!"

"Ah'm with with ya, sugarcube."

"I'm coming, too. We must stick together, after all."

"I'll follow you, if you don't mind..."

Pinkie was jumping around with excitement. "Woohoo! We're an adventuring party!" She stopped in place. "Whoa. I could throw an Adventure Party!"

I smiled confidently. "Then I'm glad to have you all along. With all six of us, I'm sure we'll succeed."

The moon was shining brightly overhead, bright enough that one didn't need an extra light source to see. Darkness was hardly an issue, which was great, because we were going into a "spooky" forest.

Spooky was a relative term, because I found it difficult to be terrified of this particular shade of green. Big deal, the trees look like they're crying leaves. This would only be scary by the standards of a children's cartoon. Naturally, everyone I was walking with was paranoid as all hell, eyes shifting in every direction as if some kind of monster was going to assault us from the surrounding foliage. Except for Pinkie, who was bouncing alongside us without a care. It was weird how the prospect of adventure excited her to the point that she didn't care about danger.

No, this forest wasn't scary; it was annoying. It annoyed me in so many ways. If it's so dangerous in here, why was there a clear dirt path leading further within? Why do vines have to cross the path from overhead, always just low enough to get in your hair (No, I'm not letting my new female body get to my head)? Why do I keep thinking I see a dark blue cloud flying overhead when clearly it was a cloudless night? This place made no sense!

Despite everything that bothered me about the forest, I kept on a neutral expression. Walking in silence was clearly doing us no good, so it fell on me to start some conversation. "So, have any of you been in here, before?"

"Heavens, no! Just look at it, it's dreadful!" Rarity complained.

"Yeah, I noticed that this place was a crap-heap."

Rarity winced at me. "Is there a need for such language?"

I sighed. "Sorry, I'm just surprised none of you have ever been here before. I lived near a cave back home, and kids would always wander off in there. They had to block it off, after a while."

Applejack raised an eyebrow at me. "You had caves in Fillydelphia?"

I stared at Applejack for a moment, keeping my nervousness in check. "If you know where to look." I replied cryptically. While I was born in Philadelphia, I'd rather not have to explain that I moved to another town, the name of which I doubt sounded similar to a town here in Equestria.

Rarity looked at me, confused. "Hold on a moment, I thought you were from Canterlot?"

We stopped near a cliff, none of us paying it much mind. That was because the ponies were all looking at me, expecting me to address the inconsistency. I wondered when Rarity could have possibly heard about where my persona was from, then I recalled that she spoke with Spike back at her house. Ugh, damn lovey-dovey dragon. Why does he have to make things difficult?

"Well, I was born in Fillydelphia, but then we moved." I smiled in a way that I hoped disarmed any further inquiry.

"Y'sure? 'Cause ya don't seem like yer too sure about yer answer." Damn it, Applejack. You had to ask.

I silently hoped that something, anything, would keep these questions from going on for much longer. To my great relief and slight dismay, there was a rock-slide, and we were standing right on top of it. The ground beneath us unexpectedly broke and tumbled down the hill, bringing us down with it. The pegasi among us were in no trouble, as all they had to do was flap their wings and they were safe. As for the rest of us, we slid downhill without any good way to stop ourselves. Rainbow and Fluttershy caught Rarity and Pinkie, but that left Applejack and myself. Well, Applejack caught herself on a random root, but I was the only one who was still scraping at the ground for some traction. It was no use, even with the unnatural dexterity in my hooves, I couldn't hold on to anything.

The edge was coming way too close, so I turned and tried scrambling away in futility. Applejack noticed my predicament, and slid down to help me with surprising control. Just before I fell to my death, Applejack came close enough to me that I caught her hooves. We both stopped, with only myself in any danger now. We both strained to keep our holds, and I looked around for some way to descend safely. I noticed that a few outcroppings on the cliff one could land on, but I was unable to reach them from where I was. I was losing my grip on Applejack, and even she was having trouble keeping herself where she was. She peeked at something behind me, and looked at me with determination.

"Let go."

"The fuck I will! That fall will kill me!" I protested.

"No it won't." She debated. She looked me dead in the eyes with a sincerity that I felt almost calming. "Ah promise that if you let go, you'll be safe."

The look in her eyes was all the reassuring I needed. She spoke plainly, and with the utmost confidence that all will be right. I couldn't argue any further, because just by looking at her, I knew she was right.

Then I let go.

As I fell to my death, I made sure to keep myself as dignified as possible. My friends would remember me as the one who fell to her death with the strength of character to take it in stride.

I most certainly did not scream "OH SHIIIIIIIIIT!" as I fell. No sir.

While I was expecting to splat against the ground, I failed to notice Rainbow and Fluttershy flying nearby, ready to catch me at a moment's notice. They caught me pretty quickly, and brought me down to the ground at a comforting (and most importantly, safe) speed. When they let go, I grabbed them both in a grateful hug. "Thanks, it means a lot to me what you did there." I said.

Both made their excuses for breaking the hug, one out of pride and the other because she's Fluttershy, and we watched Applejack show surprising agility in descending down on the outcroppings of the cliff. As Applejack walked by and gave me a reassuring pat on the shoulder, I contemplated her. Here was a mare that valued truth.

Maybe when this is all over, I could tell her the truth about myself.

We walked through five minutes of forest and found the path again, where we knew we would be making progress. None of us knew how to navigate, save for myself, but that was useless without the sun rising from the east. I didn't make it a habit to know which way was north, but I at least knew which way the sun rose. Without knowing the cardinal directions, we were walking blind. So it was a good thing that we were following the roads again.

Now, if only Rainbow would stop boasting about saving our lives. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful, but I learned something about myself: I didn't like being reminded of my near-death experiences.

"...and once Pinkie and Rarity were saved, whoosh!... Me and Fluttershy loop-de-loop around and WHAM! Caught you right in the nick of time." She smiled, basking in her own glory while the others were completely straight-faced.

"Nice story. I was there, so I might be a bit biased, but I'm sure it would be a nice story to tell your kids someday." I hid the sarcastic edge in my voice, so Rainbow didn't catch on that I wanted her to talk about something else. Not until I decided to change the subject, anyway, about something I was sure she would love to elaborate on. "So, Rainbow. I take it you know a lot about those "Wonderbolts", huh?"

Rarity and Applejack groaned behind me, while Pinkie bounced in place saying "Oh boy, story time!" Uh oh, what did I get myself into?

Rainbow hovered next to me, looking like she was ready to go on some tirade, but a loud growling froze us in our tracks. I looked ahead where I heard it, but there was too much foliage in the way. We stared ahead for a long while, but we heard nothing else.

"I guess it's gone now." I commented.

"Um, what if it comes back?" Fluttershy asked.

Pinkie raised a hoof, like she was hoping the teacher would call on her. "What if it's a big, bad monster?"

"A monster? Don't be ridiculous, it was probably just a wolf." I said, hoping to relieve the tension.

"That didn't sound like a wolf." Fluttershy corrected.

Ugh, who made her the animal expert? "So, what? You think it's some mythical beast, like a manticore? Don't be absurd." I joked, the irony of speaking to a pegasus was lost on me.

A fearsome roar from ahead shook us. We faced the creature that roared, and I blanched in terror. "Oh my god, a fucking manticore." The creature was a lion with tail of a scorpion and large wings, similar to that of a bat. It bared its teeth at us, growling at us in warning.

While I was petrified at the sight of such a deadly creature, others had the presence of mind to do something about it. It was in our way, and it had to go. To that end, Rarity charged the beast. If I wasn't scared stiff, I might have been impressed that Rarity was the first one to challenge it. She ducked under one of its swings, and kicked him in the face, a sight that brought me out of my stupor with its badassery.

The manticore glared at Rarity and roared right in her face. The force of its call pushed back her hair. I thought she would have just shaken it off, since, you know, there was a lion/scorpion right there that she kicked in the face with no problem, but the sight of her hair ruined was more than she could take, and she ran behind me to fix it.

Seriously, Rarity? That was just lame. I turned back in time to see Applejack trying to wrangle the beast into submission. But she was quickly thrown off with barely a struggle. Rainbow flew in to do her thing, while Applejack landed right next to me.

She looked up at me with slight annoyance. "Is there a reason yer just standin' there, Twilight?"

"What can I do? I'm just a sales clerk!"

"That ain't no excuse! Rarity's a fashion designer, and she just clobbered the critter!"

I looked at the manticore, which just finished batting away Rainbow. Rainbow looked dazed, but otherwise okay. That did nothing to make me any less angry at that glorified cat barring our progress. How dare that brain-dead abomination hit my friend! I ran at the beast with a plan coming to mind.

"Hey kitty, up high!" I yelled. The manticore swung high at my head, as if it understood what I said. I ducked under the swing, and came up behind the manticore. Emulating Applejack's tree-harvesting method, I brought my hind legs forward, and shot them back.

Right in the nads.

The manticore screeched, and fell on its side, using a single paw to grasp its pained loins. I saw various reactions from my companions, from Rarity's look of disgust, Applejack's look of disappointment, Pinkie visibly wincing, Rainbow rolling on the ground with laughter, and Fluttershy staring in sheer horror. I payed no mind to their reactions, though.

"Quick, get him while he's down!" I kept my mind focused on beating this sucker down. Get in our way, will you? We'll show you what's what!

Before I could pounce on it and pommel it with my hooves, Fluttershy jumped in the way frantically waving her hooves. "Stop! Stop!"

Indeed, I stopped, bewildered at the suddenly concerned pegasus. I had him on the ropes, so why stop me when I had the advantage? More puzzling to me was why Fluttershy started to nuzzle the manticore and offer him soothing words. Come on, why are you being so friendly to the enemy? Hit him!

The manticore whimpered at her, holding up one of its paws to reveal a humongous thorn that I can't believe I didn't notice before. Fluttershy pulled it out, eliciting a pained whimper from the beast, but it quickly showed its gratitude for the friendly pegasus, nuzzling and licking her affectionately.

The others snuck past the heart-warming scene, each making sure they weren't getting any attention from the manticore. Fluttershy eventually said her farewells to the manticore and made to walk past me.

"How'd you know how to pacify the manticore like that?" I asked.

"Well, sometimes, we all just need to be shown a little kindness." She replied nervously. She trotted past me at a slightly faster rate, almost as if she was avoiding something.

Tapping on my back caught my attention, so I turned around, and the manticore grabbed me by the throat with its paw. It growled at me, as I uselessly kicked my legs to break free. It roared, and threw me into a tree. I smashed through the tree with my back, hit another tree on my head, and landed on the ground with a thud. I groaned to a seated position, and noticed the manticore blowing a raspberry at me before scampering off into the forest.

I stood up, stretching my aching back, thankful that for some reason, it hurt a lot less than it really should have. Just another reason to assume we're operating on cartoon physics, I guess. I scrambled to catch up with my friends, who were walking off as if I wasn't just attacked like that.

Despite my pain, I couldn't help but think about Fluttershy's actions. She beat the manticore with kindness, while the rest of us struggled to fight. Maybe she was right. A nicer approach to the future might be better than what I considered.

At the very least, I'll get savaged less by monsters.

Rainbow crossed her arms defensively. "Look, all I'm saying is that I thought it was funny."

Applejack gave her a reserved glare. "And ahm sayin' it was dirty!" She looked at me with the full force of her indignation. "Why'd ya use such a rundown, dirty trick like that?"

She was referring to me kicking the manticore in the nuts, of course. Rainbow was laughing about it the whole way, which eventually led to them arguing about it. Of course, they had to bring me in at some point, since it was my actions that were under review.

"I'm the rogue. I always fight dirty." I coolly replied.

This didn't help my case with Applejack. "Why'd you have to do that? That's no honest way to win!"

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, fine. If it really upsets you, then no more low-blows."

"That'd be great."

When she turned away from me, I smiled wickedly. Traveling with her was like playing with a paladin. All I did was promise not to do any low-blows, but just like the paladins of D&D, she didn't realize that it didn't exclude me from other dirty tricks. The next monster I see, I'm gouging its eyes.

As if to test me on that conviction, the area went completely dark. I lowered my stance, shooting my eyes in every direction to see some kind of monster. It had to be a monster, right? I wasn't expecting the manticore, but I'm ready this time!

"I know the Everfree Forest isn't much to look at, but I at least want to see something" I heard Rarity complain.

A soft splat sounded by Applejack. "I think I stepped in somethin'."

Fluttershy seemingly shrieked in response. "It's just mud." Was Applejack's deadpan comeback.

Light returned to the glade, but what I saw sent shivers down my spine and scared the others into screams. Horrid, red trees with monstrous teeth in unnatural maws wailed at us with terrifying expressions of savage intent. I backed away from them, bunching up with the rest of the party in the center of glade, fearfully observing the abominations.

All of us were quivering in fear, except Pinkie Pie. She was standing up to one of the trees, making silly and demeaning faces at one of them, giggling like a maniac the whole time.

"Pinkie, why are you taunting the tree demons?" I asked, half because I was scared for her life. The other half of me was curious as to why Pinkie was unafraid of potential danger.

Pinkie giggled, and looked at our questioning looks with a smile. "Oh, girls, don't you see?" Pinkie started shuffling her hooves, as if she was dancing. A phantom tune started playing, which confused me more than Pinkie being excitable. I looked around for some kind of instrument playing, but we were alone with all of these trees glaring at us. Now I was really confused.

Pinkie wasn't paying my confusion any mind, and she began singing.

When I was a little filly and the sun was going doooowwn...

My confusion was compounding further. "Don't tell me she's going to sing?"

Pinkie, somehow, appeared above us and continued her song, making gravity her bitch.

The darkness and the shadows, they would always make me froooowwn...

Without batting an eye, Rarity called it like it was. "She is."

I'd hide under my pillow

From what I thought I saw

But Granny Pie said that wasn't the way

To deal with fears at all

"You've gotta be kidding me." I groaned. I looked at the trees, expecting to see them doing something. Strange, they were standing completely still. Why were they doing nothing?

She said, "Pinkie, you gotta stand up tall

Learn to face your fears

You'll see that they can't hurt you

Just laugh to make them disappear."

Pinkie brazenly laughed at one of the trees, and it poofed into an ordinary not-evil tree. The others gasped, but I stood bewildered. "You've gotta be kidding me." I repeated in shock.

So, giggle at the ghostly

Guffaw at the grossly

Crack up at the creepy

Whoop it up with the weepy

Chortle at the kooky

Snortle at the spooky

The others joined in on the singing and the laughing, each laugh transforming the trees. I just stood there watching with amazement. Pinkie halted the song entirely to stand right in my face, slightly glaring as if I was doing something wrong.

And tell that big dumb scary face to take a hike and leave you alone and if he thinks he can scare you then he's got another thing coming and the very idea of such a thing just makes you wanna...

Pinkie erupted into a giggle fit, making even more of the trees normal again.

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuugh!

The music cut out, and everyone fell to the ground with laughter. Not me though, I was still staring at one last tree that hadn't been fixed yet. I was studying it.

"Hey, Twilight, why aren't you laughing?" Pinkie asked.

I finished glaring academically at the tree and turned to the others. "Couldn't we have just walked past them?"

This gave their laughter pause. They looked at each other questioningly, then looked at me. They burst out with renewed laughter, once more falling to the ground in their mirth.

I wilted with embarrassment. "That was a legitimate question, guys." I whispered defensively.

As they eventually got up to continue the journey, I wondered about the spectacle I just witnessed. Pinkie's boundless optimism was infectious enough to defeat another encounter with the forces of darkness. It was truly amazing to me how simply thinking on the bright side of things was enough for us to surmount another challenge. I smiled beside myself. I guess I really needed to loosen up.

Before the giggling could cease, we left the glade to find a river in our path. The river was wild and white with its sloshing. It looked impossible to swim across.

"How are we going to cross this?" Pinkie asked. A strangely sensible question coming from her.

I looked up and down the river. "Who the hell makes a road going this far in the forest, yet forgets to put a bridge down here?"

"Language." Rarity chided.

"Sorry."

We could hear sobbing from upstream. With no further leads, we decided to investigate. We found a huge purple serpent in the river, thrashing its tail around the river in sorrow. "What a world, what a world!" He wailed.

I sighed. Who thrashes out is sorrow like this? I get wanting to break something from time to time, but this is just ridiculous. We needed to cross the river, and this guy was making it difficult. I suppose it's up to me and my quick wits to sort this out, huh?

I approached the serpent, followed by my friends. "Hey, are you okay?"

"No, I am not okay!" He sobbed, throwing his head back in despair. "This tacky purple cloud whisked by and cut my beloved mustache clean off! And now, I look hideous!" He fell into the water in despair, splashing water onto the whole lot of us, much to our dismay.

No, this is not the most stupid thing I've ever had to deal with. I have a headache for completely unrelated reasons.

"Oh, give me a break." Rainbow groaned.

"That's what all the fuss is about?" Applejack asked with indignation.

Rarity looked downright offended by the remarks. "Of course it is! How can you be so insensitive?" She scolded with her head held high.

Rarity approached the serpent with a critical eye. "Oh, just look at him. Such lovely luminescent scales!"

I pushed my ridiculous bangs out of the way to stare at Rarity. What was she doing?

"And your expertly coiffed mane!"

Oh, I get it now! Clever. She's complimenting the serpent on all of his best qualities so he won't be so sad. Not bad, considering all I really know about her is that she's quite the fighter.

"And your fabulous manicure... all ruined without your beautiful mustache!"

... Damn it, Rarity. And you were doing so well. Just as expected, the serpent's wailing renewed, and the water was wild once more with his incessant thrashing.

Rarity glared in determination. "I cannot let such a crime against fabulosity go uncorrected!" She ran up to the serpent and ripped off one of his scales, unsurprisingly causing him to yelp in pain.

His questioning of Rarity's actions was lost to us that day, though I'm sure we were all asking the same question. Why she took that scale was evident soon enough, when she slashed the bladed object at herself, cutting her tail off! I had to say, I was impressed she would do such a thing, considering how much she cared about her hair with the manticore. Because of that, I was stunned to see Rarity so readily tear apart her tail.

Rarity didn't blink at this, merely staying focused on the task at hand by levitating her removed tail up to the serpent's face. I don't know what kind of magic she used, but she firmly attached her fallen tail onto the serpent's face like it was the second half of his mustache. It was an ingenious plan, but it had one fatal flaw. Her tail was purple, his mustache was orange. Imagine my surprise when instead of being upset about his mis-matched facial hair, he was thrilled to have a full mustache.

"You look smashing." Rarity complimented with a straight face. I don't know how, but she's probably a better liar than I am.

"Uh, Rarity? Are you really okay with this?" I asked her, motioning to her tail.

Rarity gave it a glance, and her face had a flash of distaste on it. "Oh. Uh, it's fine. Short tails are in this season. Besides, it will grow back."

She was a transparent liar, after all. She was really attached to her tail, yet she readily gave it away to someone else just to make them fell better. That was very sweet of her, and her generosity really spoke to me.

Then Rainbow Dash whispered in my ear. "The mustache would grow back too, you know."

Ah. Great, this whole scene was a waste of time. All that sweet talking, because some serpent couldn't just accept that he had to change his style for a little while. Great, now my head hurts again.

Frustrated, I started wading across the river now that it was calm. The serpent lifted me from the water, arranging his body as stepping stones across the river.

"Allow me." He said, granting us access across the water.

On second thought, this scene made things a bit more convenient. I could live with that.

We followed the road for a little longer, and cleared the treeline. Ahead, I saw the crumbling ruins of a castle, which I presumed to be the resting place for the Elements. It lay across a chasm, which I paid little attention to. Excitement filled my mind, and I sped up to a jogging pace. "That's it! We've found the castle, girls! Victory is nigh!" My optimism spread to the others, and they picked up the pace as well. That is, until we hit our next roadblock.

The bridge was out. Again. What is it with bridges (or the lack thereof) and pissing me off? I hate this world already.

Pinkie sighed. "Now what?"

Rainbow fluttered her wings. "Duh, I'll just fix the bridge! Just gimme ten seconds." She jumped down the chasm, presumably to pick up our end of the fallen rope bridge.

"Oh yeah." Pinkie giggled to herself. With sudden and tone-killing intensity, Pinkie turned to me. "Say, you never told us where you were really from."

Seriously? You bring this up now? Just for that, I'm avoiding your question like it has ants on it. "I don't like talking about it. Can we talk about something else?"

"Okay. When's your birthday?"

Damn it. What is it with Pinkie and asking the hardball questions? With a non-sequitur, no less. "May."

Pinkie stared at me with that blank smile for a little while. "What day?"

"I think it's a Tuesday, this year."

Pinkie's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Is there a reason you're avoiding my questions?" Pinkie gasped dramatically. "Oh no, do you not like birthdays?"

Okay, this is getting out of hand fast. Besides, it's been way longer than ten seconds, what's taking Dash so long? I looked across the chasm to see Rainbow talking to some strangely dressed pegasi. Their outfits were admittedly badass, with dark colors and spooky yellow goggles. Who were they, though? I didn't see them before. I leaned closer to make out their conversation, hoping to get some information.

"...It's them or us." Said the pegasus, who I assumed to be the leader.

My eyes widened. Oh no, we could have Rainbow betray us now! "Rainbow! Please, don't listen to them!" I yelled.

The unnamed pegasus glared at me, her eyes flashing with power. Mist came from out of nowhere, and clouded our view, hiding the events across the way from observation.

I stomped with fury. "God DAMN you and your goddamn magic!"

"Twilight, calm down!" Rarity tried consoling.

"No, I'm pissed now! Every time! Magic screws me over every fucking time!" I yelled into the mist, as if my voice had the power to clear the weather. My ranting made everyone look at my head. I wondered what they were looking at, but I was too angry to find out. Once again, magic was dead-set on pissing me off. I hate this world already.

I glared into the mist, while the others were worriedly watching me, as if I was going to do something I might regret. We sat still for a little while, when Rainbow burst through the mist, landing in front of the bridge with a triumphant pose. In my delight, I whooped with joy and rushed over to hug her. It was one of the manly hugs that only last a moment with maybe a pat on the back. I'm not a girl (and screw you if bring up any technicalities).

"Oh man, you have no idea how glad I am that you're sticking with us!" I admitted with some relief.

Rainbow smirked. "I'd never leave my friends hanging."

I smiled back at her as she flew across the chasm, followed by the others crossing the bridge. She was being offered a chance to join a group far more powerful than us, and prestige with them, yet she chose to stick with us. Such a loyal friend. How could I not be happy with someone like her with me?

The inside of the castle could hardly be considered "inside". There wasn't a roof to speak of, yet there was no debris on the floor to indicate there was a roof in the first place. Columns flanked either side of the room, but they were cracked and had vines growing on them. Nature was slowly creeping in here, as vegetation was all over the place in random segments of the wall and any stone surface. But what really caught the eye was the center. In the center of the room was a statuesque pedestal, on top of which sat five grey orbs surrounding a larger orb. I recognized them from the books. The smaller orbs were the Elements of Harmony.

"There they are. Our key to ending it all." I proclaimed. Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Rarity used their particular methods to bring the Elements to our level.

Pinkie was counting them. "There's only five." She observed.

"When the five are present, a spark will cause the sixth Element to be revealed." I quoted from the reference guide. "I guess we need to do something with these. But what?" I asked.

"Uh, if I may make a suggestion." Rainbow hovered next to me and flicked a chitinous mass on my forehead.

"OW! Rainbow, what the fuck?" I demanded. But then, I widened my eyes in surprise. I looked up, trying to see what was on my head. I patted it with my hooves, finding what ever it was to be conical in shape. "What the fuck is this?" I asked, all anger towards Rainbow forgotten.

"Um, that's your horn, dear." Rarity answered with a confused look.

My mouth dropped. "I'M A UNICORN!?"

The others, Pinkie included just in case I didn't realize I said something weird, had their faces contorted with confusion. It was Applejack who broke the silence. "Ya... didn't know you were a unicorn?"

My eyes shifted in either direction. "Yeah, I knew. I just wanted to be sure you knew."

She eyed me uncertainly. "Okay... then you know what yer doin', right?"

No, of course not. "Well, I can think of something." I lied. I looked at the Elements before me. A spark, huh? So I just needed to make a spark out of my horn? Gee, if only I knew how to do that.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Rarity asked to encourage my progress. Not that she really helped, since that only added to the pressure I felt.

I concentrated on the Elements as hard as I could, using my mind to try and improvise the magic out. It wasn't working, and I certainly didn't feel magical. Not that I really wanted to be magical, but I had little choice. I tried for an unknown amount of time, but all that happened was Pinkie yawning. So, unless I was accidentally casting a sleeping spell to my left, I wasn't getting jack done.

I took a breath to relax, since I was getting nowhere by thinking hard about nothing. The Elements were being surrounded by a blue cloud, that I swear I could recognize from somewhere...

Wait, oh shit! I know that cloud, it was the same cloud that Nightmare Moon used to enter the Town Hall! The cloud expanded, spinning around the Elements and making them fly around inside the tiny twister of magic. I panicked, yelling "The Elements!" and lunged forward to grab as many of them as I could. I heard my friends call my name behind me, then I felt a sensation that I never thought I would ever feel in my life.

Do you know when someone says their being was "yanked in a direction" whenever they talk about teleportation? Because I now know exactly what that feels like. Imagine being inside a full body suit with a tether attached to it, while being suspended in a vacuum. If someone pulled really hard on that tether, you basically have the sensation of teleportation in a nutshell.

Being dumped out of the teleport was disorienting, sending me on my face for the third impact of the day. I sighed and pushed myself up to see the new room before me. It was definitely a room, this time with a roof over it. It was some kind of throne room, I guess, with a semi-circular window going up the height of the wall. Behind me was a staircase leading out of the room, and either side had more columns, these ones in better shape.

And standing where the throne should be was the goddess of darkness. Nightmare Moon was levitating the Elements around her, smiling evilly at me. "Well, well, look who's come to visit."

I stood up, glaring with determination. It was now my time to shine. Applejack saved my life when she promised my safety. Fluttershy pacified a raging monster with care. Pinkie dispelled all fear by laughing at danger. Rarity gave up a prized possession to console a grieving serpent. Rainbow denied the chance to elevate her station, favoring her friends over status. Now I stood face to face with the villain, and it was up to me to apply my lessons.

I doubted that I could make any promises to console Nightmare, kindness would be lost on a creature of darkness whose hatred was festering for a millennium, laughing would offend her, I had nothing with which to bribe her, and I wasn't about to swear fealty to her. If I was to succeed, I would have to improvise and outsmart her.

I smiled mischievously. "I've come to end this, once and for all."

Nightmare Moon gave me a condescending grin. "And how do you plan to do that? Are you going to distract me with another group of invisible soldiers?"

I lowered into a challenging stance. "You never know. I can be wild and unpredictable when I want to be."

Nightmare Moon lowered the Elements onto the platform and walked calmly to face me. "I fail to see how empty threats serve your purpose. More likely, you're going to boast of your false abilities in order to scare me." She lowered her stance, accepting my challenge.

I smirked, as she was doing exactly what I wanted. I started circling her. "It's not my abilities that should scare you. You've been watching us since the cliff collapse, haven't you? You should realize that I have no particular abilities to call my own."

Nightmare started circling me as well, chuckling at my admission of incompetence. "So why should I fear you? You've just admitted that you are weak, so what threat could you possibly pose?"

I just smiled at her. "You've been in battles before, right? You should know better than anyone that luck is just as important as skill. And lady, I have lots of luck on my side."

Nightmare raised an eyebrow behind her helmet. "Oh? And what good is luck when your opponent has enough power to overcome any lucky breaks you might have? What then?"

I stopped my circling, and she stopped as well. "I don't see how you have that kind of power, because you just made a grave tactical error."

She glared critically. "And that is?"

I smiled victoriously. "You left the Elements undefended right behind me."

Nightmare Moon looked confused for a moment, and looked past me. She just now noticed that in our circling, we switched sides in the room, where she was now on the opposite side of where she started. I yelled "Sucker!" and hauled ass towards the Elements.

This would all be pointless if I couldn't figure out how to use my horn in the next couple of seconds, so I concentrated once more. The Elements grew closer with each stride, yet I continued to try using my horn, hoping to find some way to force out some magic. I came to a stop right on the Elements, and pointed my horn at them.

Nothing.

I scraped at my horn, hoping that I could just ignite it like a match, but that only gave me a funny, euphoric feeling. I contorted my face like I was trying to squeeze one out, hoping that would give me enough concentration, but that didn't work either. Nothing I was trying was helping.

Nightmare teleported in front of me, and grabbed me in her magic. She threw me into the ceiling, where I yelled in pain. She tossed me back to where we stared down, with me painfully landing on my side. She laughed triumphantly. "That was a good one! Really, well done! It's too bad your incompetence got in the way of your hard earned victory! Muahahahaha!" Before I could roll my eyes at the villainous laugh, her expression turned dark. "Let's not let something like that happen again, shall we?"

She reared up, her horn glowing with power, and she stomped down with great force, the shockwave shattering the Elements at her hooves. Right before my eyes, she destroyed my only hope of returning home. The solution to my problems, the key to success, gone. Mere fragments remained of the artifacts that could have set me free.

I lost.

I stared at the fragments in horror, like the symbols of my anguish. This was how I would die? As some replacement for a mare who could have done a better job? My eyes lowered to my hooves. I failed. I was going to be stuck here forever, and I had no one to blame but myself for my failure.

"Twilight!"

I looked behind me, seeing my friends rushing towards me. Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash. Suddenly, my eyes sparked with understanding. I felt my spirits lifting from their fog, as a euphoric tingling traveled down my spine. This wasn't just about me. It was about them. I wasn't alone. I stood up, and my friends gathered beside me, each making sure I was okay. I was better than okay. I had the answer!

I turned to Nightmare Moon with a confident smile. "You think you've won? By breaking the physical Elements, you think we're now powerless?" I bared my teeth in a smile of victory. "You're wrong. We don't need those trinkets; we are the Elements of Harmony."

Nightmare Moon smirked. "Another ploy? Really now, this is getting pathetic."

I chuckled at her naivete. "Think back Nightmare, to all of those trials. Remember the cliff? Applejack spoke to me, and she promised my safety when I had no reason to believe I would survive. For her honorable word, she bears the Element of Honesty."

Some of the shards glowed orange, and flew next to Applejack, hovering around her. She gave them a cursory glance, and looked back at Nightmare with renewed vigor. Nightmare's smile disappeared, replaced by a hint of anxiety.

I took her expression as a good sign, and continued. "Fluttershy, when faced with a creature on the attack, saw its pain and she alone acted to ease its suffering. For her compassion, she bears the Element of Kindness."

Fluttershy was now surrounded by shards glowing pink, but she was a bit frightened by their sudden approach. But I continued. "Where horrid imagery shocked and repulsed us, Pinkie laughed away her fears. For her optimism against all odds, she bears the Element of Laughter."

Pinkie was now surrounded by glowing blue shards. "When a serpent lost something precious to him, Rarity gifted him something valuable to herself. For her sacrifice, she bears the Element of Generosity."

Rarity was surrounded by glowing purple shards. "When offered the chance to join a prestigious group and rise to the top, Rainbow Dash chose to stand with those she cared about most. For her unwavering devotion to her friends, she bears the Element of Loyalty."

Rainbow was surrounded by glowing red shards. Nightmare Moon looked very nervous, but she wasn't backing down. "You haven't won, either! You don't have the Sixth Element!"

My face softened into a heartfelt smile as I looked over my friends. "No, we do. I understand now that the book didn't refer to a literal spark of magic. There's a spark in us all, just waiting to burst, ready to ignite the flames." I glared at the increasingly nervous Nightmare with a smile. "I knew what the Sixth Element was the moment my friends returned my hope to me. For the way I feel about the ones who have saved my life numerous times, and touched me with the actions that exemplified their virtues as my true friends, I have become the bearer of the Sixth Element. I bear the Element of Magic, the one who represents the power that true friendship wields."

From the ceiling, an orb glowing a sharp white descended over us. It was the Final Element. It bathed us in its glaring light, blinding us with its manifesting power. It hovered over my head, but I could feel it transform into a crown. It alighted onto my head, and I opened my eyes, immune to the now blinding light. I looked to see my friends now floating into the air in magic light, wearing their respective Elements around their necks. I smiled, and faced Nightmare Moon, who was quivering helplessly in fear.

I cannot hope to ever describe what I did. The power I wielded in concert with my friends felt incredible, and together, we all directed it towards Nightmare Moon. I couldn't describe how I knew what to do with the power of my Element. It felt completely natural, and I didn't even bat an eye when our combined power manifested into a brilliant rainbow.

The rainbow smashed into the petrified Nightmare, who screamed in terror and anguish at the flood of magic. As one, we amplified our power, and the world soon went white.

It was hard to say how long I was out. Five minutes? An hour? It couldn't have been very long, since it was still dark out. I sat up and rattled my head into a more wakeful state. My friends were coming to as well, still adorned with their new jewelry.

"Everypony okay?" Applejack asked.

"Looks like it." I said. I looked over to where I last saw Nightmare Moon, and she was still there. She was unconscious, but she looked very different. I turned my attention back to my friends, feeling that we were still safe for the moment.

Rarity was hopping for joy, holding her newly grown tail. "Oh, thank goodness! I'll never part with you again." She spoke lovingly to her tail. I rolled my eyes at this. Oh, Rarity and her eccentric love for her own appearance.

Fluttershy noticed the design on Rarity's necklace. "Oh, what a lovely necklace. It looks just like your cutie mark."

Uh, cutie mark? I was about to ask what that was, but everyone looked between their necklaces and their tattoos, finding that they looked alike. So, I figured that we called the tattoos "cutie marks". What a strange custom these ponies have.

I looked down to see my Element, but I remembered that mine was a crown. I lifted it from my head and examined it, seeing that it was, in fact, a tiara. It was a tiara with a big pink star on it, much like my own "cutie mark". I was a little disappointed, though. "Man, why did I have to get the tiara? I want a bitchin' necklace, too."

Pinkie appeared next to me as if from out of nowhere. "Don't be so sad, Twilight! With that Element, that means we're best friends forever and ever!"

Applejack nodded and stood next me. "That's right, Twilight! Ah mean, ah thought you were just spoutin' a lot of hooey, but ah reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship."

"Indeed, you do." Spoke a regal and powerful voice. Blinding light flooded the room from a nearby window, which I didn't immediately realize was from the rising sun. An orb of light separated from the sun, and entered the room, bursting into the form of a royal white alicorn. Her radiant tri-colored mane billowed in nonexistent wind much like Nightmare Moon's, but her's was clearly meant to astonish, not intimidate. She wore beautiful golden regalia, including a brilliant golden torc with a shining amethyst around her neck, and crown behind her horn. I guess the crown should be considered royal, but in all honesty, my crown is better.

Now who the hell was this? She must be important if she's wearing all that jewelry, and winged unicorns are very rare if Ponyville is anything to go by. I noticed my friends bowing to her reverently, but I found that I couldn't do the same. We just met, how can I enact such a greeting? So instead, I went with something far more casual.

"Uh, hello there." I said, waving. The others gasped at my rather informal greeting, as if I'd just said something rude.

If the alicorn took offense to me, she wasn't showing it in the earnest smile she gave me. "Twilight Sparkle, my Faithful Student. I knew you could do it."

Aw crap, someone else who knows my persona. It was nice of her to give me my full name and relationship to her, but I still needed a little more to work with. For example, what was her name? Hopefully I could trick her with some of my fast talking. "Do what?"

This gave her pause, and she looked at me like I asked a really weird question. "...Saving Equestria from Nightmare Moon, of course."

"Oh, right. The Nightmare business. Yeah, we took care of that." I replied smoothly.

She looked amused at my answer. "So I can see. I knew of Nightmare Moon's return, and I knew you were the one with magic inside to defeat her. But, you could not unleash it without first accepting true friendship into your heart."

I stared blankly at her, masking the bemusement I felt. Yep, that was certainly a cheesy thing to learn. Glad to have helped in the corniest way possible.

The alicorn looked across the room, her face unreadable. "Now, if only another will, as well." She walked past me, towards the fallen Nightmare Moon. "Princess Luna!"

Nightmare Moon, who I guess was really named Luna, gasped in fright. She stared up at the approaching white alicorn with dread. Huh, it's strange that I almost feel bad for her right now. I don't, because the bitch tried to throw me off a mountain, but it's a strange feeling nonetheless.

The unnamed alicorn lowered herself next to Luna. "It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this. It's time to put our differences behind us. We were meant to rule together, little sister."

My friends and I gasped, but while theirs were gasps of surprise, mine was in revelation. So I've finally met the Good Sister of the tale. Now, what the hell was her name? It's not like I could ask.

"Will you accept my friendship?" Asked the alicorn.

While my friends leaned forward in suspense (hee hee, Pinkie fell over!), I was astounded at the dick move everyone was ignoring. Luna, man, I know I hate you and all, but you're getting shafted on this deal! If she's your sister, why is she demoting you to friend? That's like being a manager and becoming an associate. Or maybe I'm looking too deep into this. I mean, it's not like that happened to me or anything.

Luna rushed up to her sister, nuzzling her apologetically. "I'm so sorry! I missed you so much, big sister!"

The unnamed alicorn nuzzled her back. "I've missed you, too." They sat together, sharing in their sweet, tearful reunion. I smiled beside myself. This was definitely a happy ending.

Killing the moment was Pinkie Pie, crying dramatically one moment, then gasping with an overwhelming smile on her face the next. "You know what this calls for?"

Everyone looked at her, wordlessly asking her to answer her question. She didn't do so, instead trotting happily to the exit to our confusion. She turned to us, and waved for us to follow before leaving the room.

"I guess we should just follow her." I suggested. Agreeing with that idea, we all walked to follow our bouncy friend.

Pinkie's wordless journey took us all the way through the Everfree Forest. Applejack, Rainbow, and Rarity tried on multiple occasions to ask her where we were going and what we were doing, but she quickly shushed them and merrily trotted down the road ahead of us. She didn't explain herself or anything. At least going back the way we came was mercifully uneventful. Though, at some point, Luna and the other chick disappeared on us. I couldn't tell you how.

Eventually, we arrived back in Ponyville, where the streets were eerily quiet. We went to the main square without even a glimpse of other ponies, and it was getting to the point where I was legitimately freaked out. Finally, Pinkie stopped and turned to us. We leaned forward in anticipation of what she was about to announce.

Pinkie threw up her hooves. "A party!" She proclaimed, ponies bursting out of their homes in celebration. Decorations suddenly appeared on buildings and trees, and we found the royal sisters approaching on a large chariot pulled by four armored pegasi. I relaxed after the initial shock of the sudden festivity around me, shaking my head in good-natured disbelief. Pinkie was making a big deal out of celebrating our success, and just being overly dramatic. Silly girl.

I looked over to Luna and the other girl, seeing that Luna was still upset over recent events. That changed when two children put a necklace of flowers around her as a sign of goodwill, and managed an optimistic smile. Spike ran up to me from the crowd right then, grabbing me in a grateful hug. I pat him on the back and looked around to the cheering and smiling townsfolk. This was a great day for us all, and I was glad to be a part of this wonderful scene.

Manage a great celebration: Check.

Defeat Nightmare Moon: Check.

Make some friends: Check.

Learn something cheesy: Double check.

Great! Now all that was left to do was to go back... home.

The white alicorn noticed that I was sagging, and went to console me. "Why so glum, my faithful student? Are you not happy that your quest is complete and you can return to your studies in Canterlot?"

Well, besides the obvious fact that I wasn't going back to Canterlot to "study", I was glum. I looked over at my gathered friends, the friends I would have to leave behind, and answered with half-truths. "No, I'm not happy. I have great friends in Ponyville, and it breaks my heart that I have to leave them."

The alicorn smiled. "Spike, take a note, please." She dictated. Spike took out a scroll and quill from... somewhere, and wrote as the alicorn spoke. "I, Princess Celestia, hereby decree that the unicorn, Twilight Sparkle, shall take on a new mission for Equestria. She must continue to study the magic of friendship. She must report to me her findings from her new home in Ponyville."

That was a nice effort, Celestia, but it wasn't going to do me any good. I'd love to stay in Ponyville with my new friends, it was just too bad I would be leaving soon. I understood why I had to leave. This life wasn't for me, it was for the real Twilight, wherever she was. She deserved this more than I did.

I smiled as sweetly as I could. "Thank you, Princess."

Heh, it's funny. Maybe it's my paranoia from watching too much C-SPAN, but that speech of her's sounded rehearsed.

My friends surrounded me in a group hug, and I returned it as hard as I could, for I knew that I wouldn't get another chance. The celebration lasted for a few more hours, and everyone finally had to say goodbye and rest from their tiring day. After all, most of us were awake for over twenty-four hours, so we were really tired.

I approached my friends one last time to tell them the truth. I wanted to come clean about being a human, to bid them farewell without any lies masking me. But just looking at them, I couldn't bear to tell them that this was really goodbye. No, I couldn't tell them that uncomfortable truth; I would be heartbroken to see their reactions.

We said our good-nights, and I entered the library with Spike to sleep in Ponyville for the first and final time.

I closed my eyes on the bed, fully expecting to wake up the next morning in the hospital or my apartment, with Equestria being nothing more than a very happy memory.

I awoke to the sound of pattering feet. I was pretty tired still, and I wasn't much of a morning person, so I just pulled the covers further up my head and tried ignoring the footsteps and get some more sleep. I noticed that the smell in the air wasn't the sterile atmosphere of a hospital, so I guessed in my sleepy state, that I was in my apartment. But if I was in my apartment, why was there someone in here? I don't remember having a room-mate. And why did I smell books?

I sat up, the act itself being more uncomfortable than I remember, but I just blamed that on morning stiffness. I opened my eyes finally to see that I was in no-less-familiar surroundings, but I thought it was impossible. This couldn't be Golden Oaks Library. I left last night, right?

My question was answered when Spike came through the door. "Hey Twilight, want some breakfast?"

Author's Note

Woohoo! 12 Likes! I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting to get 12 views, much less 12 likes! Thanks for that!

Now, I hope you didn't expect things to end so soon. I don't do short stories, and when I do, there are sequels. This isn't a short story, so there's way more ahead.

It won't be all sunshine and rainbows in the land of sunshine and rainbows, but "Twilight" is going to have a hell of a time getting there. So expect bitchy griffins! Shamans! Bakeries! Hot tubs! Chaos!

And as usual, ponies.

But on a slightly more disappointing note, I may not get the next chapter out next Sunday. Sorry, but real life is happening, and I just might have to push back the next chapter.

Plans and You: How to Recognize Your Shortcomings

Plans and You: How to Recognize Your Shortcomings

I stared at Spike with disbelief. The gears in my mind were on overdrive to kick-start my thought process, but I was just too surprised for any thinking at the moment. Spike meanwhile, was getting a little worried about my shocked and unmoving expression.

"Uh, Twilight? Are you okay?"

I finally blinked as my thoughts returned to me. Now wide awake, I smiled as sincerely as I could given the situation. "Don't worry about it, I'm fine." I waved dismissively. "I just wasn't expecting to wake up in a library, that's all."

Spike smiled slyly. "Really? Even though you made your old room look like a library?"

Okay, I take it Twilight is supposed to like books. Huh, that would explain why Spike kept giving me dirty looks whenever I called a book boring. "I wasn't expecting this library. So, what did you ask?"

Spike's normal smile returned. "I asked if you wanted some breakfast."

All things considered, I was pretty hungry, but I pretended to think about it. "Sure, I'd love something to eat. Just give me a minute and I'll be right down."

Spike gave me a thumb's up, and went back through the door. Now that I was alone in the room again, I was able to do what I really wanted to do.

Flip my lid, of course.

I fell back onto my pillow, staring at the ceiling. Why was I still here? I did everything I was supposed to do! Prepare for the celebration, defeat evil bitch, make friends, done. End of discussion. Turn in for the night, and I was home-free.

So what am I still doing in Equestria? Did I miss something? I did everything that was asked of me, unless I was supposed to learn something else on my own. But if I wasn't supposed to learn the Magic of Friendship, then what was I supposed to learn?

Maybe I was going about this the wrong way. Maybe there aren't some magic prerequisites for returning home. Maybe I was here for a set period of time. If that was the case, then my actions yesterday bought me enough time to end my banishment. All I would have to do then was wait it out.

But I couldn't just accept that theory. I had no way of knowing that was the case, for it was just as sound to assume that I was here forever. But if I was stuck here forever, then that changes things. There would be no way out of here. I would be stuck as a goddamn unicorn far away from everything I knew.

But here's the trick: I'm a unicorn. I can wield magic now. I didn't like it, but my destiny is now entirely in my hands. All I have to do is use this body's magic to fix everything.

A part of me asked if I really wanted to leave behind everything in Equestria.

I knew what that part of my mind was referring to, of course. My friends, who I just recently began to love and admire. It was true I didn't really want to leave them, but I had no choice. While I could just take on the identity of Twilight Sparkle and live the rest of my days with them, that wouldn't be fair to the real Twilight. It was morally incomprehensible to steal someone's life like that, and I had the personal obligation to return what was rightfully her's. Besides that, I have no idea how long I can last under disguise. Eventually, I'm going to slip up, and the whole game's over. In a world like this, where every third person can cast spells, I don't want to be the one who is revealed as the body thief.

That part of my mind asked if I was judging my friends too harshly. After all, they all embody the virtues of friendship, and it was unlikely that I would be left behind by Rainbow or Applejack. Rarity would at least give me another chance, Fluttershy would probably "um" and "er" over it before reluctantly agreeing, and Pinkie... well, the only thing that comes to mind for her is juggling balloon animals, so I guess that's a good sign.

I sighed, dismissing the idea. I still couldn't go through with that. Even if they would be accepting, I couldn't just let them worry for my sake. Besides, I was the princess's personal student at one point, right? Royalty wasn't known for being very forgiving, and I had no doubt that my friends would want to involve her. Every scenario involving me revealing my secret ends in some kind of tragedy. If revealing myself was a good idea, I would have to wait and see.

So, I needed a plan of action. Since I needed to return to my homeworld sooner rather than later, I would need to learn magic. That would be pretty easy, seeing as how the general population has magic users. All I had to do was find a beginner's spell book and I could develop this body's power. Naturally, the next step would be finding some kind of teleportation spell that could bring me home, preferably as a human. Before I cast that spell, though, I needed to make sure the real Twilight was alive and well, and bring her back. Once she gets her body back, I can hopefully cast the other spell to send me home, and I would be done. Twilight would have some trouble acclimating to the changes in her life, but at least then, I wouldn't be making her decisions for her, and she would have plenty of support from her new friends.

I stretched in my bed and hopped off. Today, I would be learning magic, and be on the first step to fixing all of the wizard's conjured problems. First, I had to play my role, and not fuck it up at breakfast.

In the kitchen, Spike was shoving a forkful of pancakes into his mouth. Across the table from him was an empty seat and a plate of pancakes with a fork tucked into them. He smiled at me when I came in, and I returned the smile as I took my seat. I grabbed the syrup bottle in my hooves, and poured it onto the pancakes.

Spike was giving me a quizzical look for some reason. "Spike, is something wrong?" I asked.

"You're not using your magic?" He asked back.

I put down the bottle, grabbing the fork. I was glad to already have an excuse. "Nope. I'm trying not to be over-reliant on my magic."

Spike accepted my answer and resumed eating. I smiled beside myself at my latest bluff, eating into my pancakes with a smug smile. As long as I stay on top of things like that, I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to do what I need.

Breakfast was a fast and easy part of the day, since Spike was content with eating rather than talking. As soon as we finished the pancakes, I cleaned the dishes myself, letting Spike go out to the living room since he made breakfast. Though, without a dishwasher, cleaning the dishes was a very tedious process. That's another reason to go home soon: more convenient technology.

I learned the previous day that I would be the town librarian, which made sense, since I was living in the library. It was also very fortunate for me, since I lived in the same building as the knowledge I was going to need. I also knew the name of the book I needed, so I knew just where to look. Within moments, I found Magic for Beginners, and began reading. Spike asked what I was doing with a book for foals, but I hand-waved it, making up some excuse about "brushing up on the basics". Like a sucker, he bought it, letting me read in peace.

I quickly found out why I couldn't get my magic to work before. It turns out that unicorn magic is not just thinking really hard; it was more like flexing a muscle. The book had a few basic levitation exercises for foals learning to use their magic, so I tried a few. They were very easy now that I knew how to use my horn. I don't know what the writer meant by "you might have to try a few times to get it right", because this was a breeze. Why do wizards have to learn this stuff for years if it only takes me a few minutes? I guess I'm just better than them.

It wasn't too long until I finished the whole book. I chuckled at its expense. If magic is this easy, I'll be out of here by the end of the week. I put the book back, finding another, lengthier magic book to read.

I read for four straight hours, and while it wasn't much harder than the previous book, it was starting to burn me out. I haven't read this much since high school, and my tired brain was letting me know. I set it aside, and looked around for something else to focus on. That's when I noticed Spike munching on something red and shiny, and he wasn't paying me any attention.

Curious, and in need of something else to do besides reading, I decided to talk to Spike. "Hey Spike, whatcha eating?"

The sound of my voice startled the dragon, who nearly dropped his food from shock. "T-Twilight?" He sheepishly asked.

I was a little confused about his reaction. "What's wrong? Is there something going on with my face?" I rubbed at it, trying without avail to find if I accidentally transformed myself.

"Well... no. I was eating a gem, and I was hoping you wouldn't notice." he admitted, rubbing the back of his head, guiltily.

I looked at the gem in his hand, which I noticed had a bite mark in it. "You're eating a gem?"

"Yeah..."

I raised an eyebrow at this. How does a dragon digest gemstones? Now that I think about it, is this why dragons make hoards? Because they eat valuable rocks? I wasn't about to think too hard about this, not with my mind numb from studying. "Okay then." I leaned back to look at the ceiling and started counting floorboards.

I didn't see Spike tilt his head in confusion before walking back to the kitchen, taking another bite from his ruby. I wonder where he got it?

A loud thump from the door caught my attention. I looked at it, wondering if I actually heard that or not, before it opened to reveal my prismatic friend, Rainbow Dash. She walked right in, looking like she's hiding something embarrassing. "Uh, hey Twilight."

"Hey Rainbow. Did you crash into my door, or something?" I asked.

"NO!" She yelled defensively before lowering her voice. "I meant to do that."

"So you crashed on purpose?"

Rainbow scratched her head sheepishly. "No. Crashing happens on accident."

I spared her a chuckle, deciding against embarrassing her further. "So what's up?"

Rainbow's sheepishness disappeared, and her usual confident smile returned. "The girls and I are going out for lunch. Wanna come?"

Well, I doubted that I would be able to make a good excuse to no-show. I figured it was in my best interest to tag along, but I did have one concern. "Depends. Who's paying?"

"Rarity."

I smiled wryly. "Then I'm in." I turned to yell wherever Spike was. "Hey Spike, I'm going out for lunch with my friends! Want anything?"

"Can I get some extra crispy hay-fries?" Was the yelled response.

"Sure!" I turned back to Rainbow. "Mind if I follow you?"

Rainbow gave me a challenging grin. "If you can keep up." She shot through the doorway, which I just noticed she left open when she came in.

The more recent issue, though, was that Rainbow was leaving me behind. I ran out the door, stopping only to use my new levitation powers to close the door. "Hey, wait up!" I ran to follow an increasingly smaller blue blur.

I ran after Rainbow for longer than I cared to, for I was out of breath halfway to the restaurant. By the time I got there, Rainbow was already seated with the others. Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Applejack were talking about something, but they stopped to stare at me when I came by sucking wind. I weakly climbed into my chair, lying my head on the table as I caught my breath. Note to self: put exercise on the to-do list. I'm gonna need to be in better shape if I'm expected to do this more often.

"Are you okay, darling?" I heard Rarity ask.

I spent a little time steadying my breathing, and picked up my head to answer. "Yes, I'll be fine."

"Why were ya runnin', anyway?" Applejack asked.

"Well, I didn't know where we were meeting, so I was going to follow Rainbow," I shot the mare in question a venomous glare. "And she decided to fly away at mach 2."

Rainbow shrugged nonchalantly. I glared at her for another moment, silently swearing revenge before turning back to the others. At this time, I noticed that the odd one out was Fluttershy, who was hiding behind her mane, sitting low in her chair as if she didn't want to be noticed. I leaned over to Pinkie, who was sitting next to me. "Hey, is Fluttershy okay? She seems to be on edge."

Pinkie patted me on the back reassuringly. "Don't worry about her, she's just nervous around you!"

I raised an eyebrow at this. "Around me? So she was just fine until I arrived?"

Pinkie nodded enthusiastically. "Yepper-depper."

I have no idea how Pinkie can be so excited about telling me that. I looked at Fluttershy, but when she saw me looking, she let out a small yelp and shrunk down further under the table. Fluttershy's demeanor was making me worry. How could I possibly be fine with one of my friends being scared of me?

I decided to talk to her later about it. For now, I hoped to show her that I was as normal as any of them, them being talking ponies notwithstanding. "So, Rarity, what's the occasion?"

"Well, it's just that we're the Elements of Harmony now, aren't we? I figured that was a good excuse as any to get to know each other better." Rarity explained.

"Works for me." I admitted. We might as well be the best of friends, since each of us represents one of the virtues of friendship. Which one was I, again? Wait a minute... aw, man. I groaned.

"What's the matter?"

"I just realized what my Element is. I don't want to be magic! Magic sucks!" I looked at all of my friends before settling on Rainbow. "Hey Dash, wanna trade elements? I can be loyalty if you're Magic."

Rainbow scoffed at me. "No way! If you don't wanna be Magic, then why would I wanna be Magic?"

I pouted at that. Blasted Rainbow, not wanting to trade. Just as well, I suppose, since the elements don't work like that. Then I noticed my friends giving me (and my horn) weird looks.

"Um, Twilight? Aren't you Princess Celestia's Personal Student?" Rarity asked.

Remembering the answer to that bit of trivia, I nodded. "Yeah, I am."

Rarity brought a hoof up to her face. "Then may I ask why she taught you magic if you don't like it?"

I was silent at the question for a moment of contemplation. The princess was teaching me magic? Huh, I didn't know that until now. However, I needed to quickly come up with some kind of answer that suits my needs. Maybe a sprinkling of lies is what I need to steer this conversation in a preferable direction. "She taught me a little magic, though she mostly taught me about politics."

Rarity brightened up at the lie, interest sparking. "Ooh, political knowledge from the princess herself? Color me intrigued, dear. Do tell, what has she taught you?"

I kicked back with a satisfied grin. Things were going my way now that I was talking about something I knew. "Well, I do have a bit of advice. If you see a senator go into a restroom, don't follow him in."

This got me blank stares from everyone. Rainbow was the one to eventually ask the question on their minds. "Wait, what's a senator, and why shouldn't you follow them into restrooms?"

I sighed, mentally berating myself for forgetting the differences in our political systems. "Nevermind. Equestria isn't a republic, so it's not important."

Applejack held up a menu. "Maybe we should get our orders ready."

"Wait!" Pinkie exclaimed. She grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me in like she was desperate. "I need more advice! Did Princess Celestia ever tell you how to get away from local authorities?"

I stared wide-eyed at my friend for a moment of uncomprehending silence. "Uhhh... run real fast?"

Pinkie let go of me with disorienting speed. "Genius!" She wrote something in a notepad I only now realized she had. I looked to the others for some kind of explanation, but they all hid behind their menus. Following suit, I picked up my menu to peruse its contents.

It was a slightly classy menu made for a cafe, with tea as a prominent item and food being fairly minor. That's not to say that the food wasn't noteworthy, cause it totally was. The main thing I noticed about the food was that there was no meat. It wasn't unexpected, but it was disappointing. Why hadn't I noticed the vegetarian nature of this world yet? Maybe it was because every food item I saw the previous two days were based around pie and cake.

What could I possibly want to eat here? Still thinking like a human, leafy foods didn't sound all that appetizing to an omnivore who eats like a carnivore. With the lack of chicken and veal, I had to settle on soups and salads. Screw the sandwiches, I can make those anytime.

When the waiter came by for our orders, I just sighed and settled on some generic salad. Though I thought I might regret that decision when I noticed there were no condiments. Anywhere.

To distract myself from incoming disappointment, I decided to start a conversation. "So Applejack, how's farm life treating you?"

"Swell, ah'd say." Applejack smiled widely. I guess I asked something she was passionate about. "Applebuck Season is just a few days away. We're just gettin' ready."

"What's Applebuck Season?"

"It's when the orchards are full of apples, ripe for harvest! There are so many apples, it makes up a good portion of the Apple Family finances in a single week!" Applejack glowed with anticipation. This Applebuck Stuff must be pretty big for her.

...

...

Okay, with how long Applejack has been staring up into space, I'm thinking that either she was hypnotized by aliens, or she's lost in her day-dreams. Either way, it was best to start talking to someone else in the meantime. I turned to Rarity, who was still looking at Applejack, but she was making a face I could only describe as judgmental. I would have asked her about it, but we were here for a friendly social gathering. Instead, I was going to change the topic. "So what do you do, Rarity?"

Rarity perked right up when I spoke. Interesting how quickly her attitude changed when the focus shifted away from Applejack. "I design the most fabulous dresses in Equestria!" Rarity gasped in realization. "Twilight, you must come by the Boutique! I have a wonderful idea that would go great with your color!"

Okay, this is getting a little weird. Never mind the fact that, as a human, I'm wary around conversations about someone's color. What really weirded me out was that I was being asked to try on a dress. I still had my masculinity, and I wasn't about to let dresses into my life. I looked around (subtly, mind you) for something that I could distract her with, and I saw Rainbow Dash balancing a fork on her nose. Perfect. "What about Rainbow? Couldn't you think of something," I held back a wince from my next phrase. "Fabulous for her to wear?"

Rainbow, showing that she was actually listening to us, dropped the fork and glared at me. "No way! I belong in the sky, not sitting still so Rarity can make me some frilly dress!"

"Really dear, would it be so bad to let me make you a gorgeous ensemble?" Rarity asked.

"I'm not doing it." Rainbow crossed her arms in finality.

Whew, dodged a bullet, there. While Rarity insisted on making a dress in opposition to Rainbow's defiance, that left me with Fluttershy and Pinkie. Applejack was still fantasizing, so I guess I must have asked her about something really amazing to her. Still, I'm sure they wouldn't try forcing me into something girly or doze off, so they might actually make for good conversation. Except, Fluttershy was still cowering from me.

"BOO!" Pinkie's sudden scream into my ear startled me, and I almost toppled out of my chair.

I straightened myself and gave Pinkie a hard look. "What was that for?"

"Well..." Pinkie began, as she darted under the table. I tried to look for her under the table, but she already popped up behind me, startling me again. "Fluttershy is super scared of you." Pinkie mimicked Fluttershy's fright, but quickly bounced back to her chair with her usual exuberance. "So I decided that I would scare you so I could show Fluttershy that you aren't scary because scary things don't get scared!" She smiled widely at me, as if really proud of her explanation.

"Uh... did it work?" I couldn't take my eyes off Pinkie. If I did, I don't know what she might do.

"Nope!" She exclaimed with way too much joy.

I couldn't hide my disappointment. So much for cartoon psychology.

Applejack finally emerged from her catatonic fantasizing and noticed that Rarity was pestering Rainbow to make her a dress. "Aw, who set Rarity off like that?" She asked accusingly, as if what was happening was some kind of catastrophe in the making.

I raised a hoof unsurely. "I guess I did."

Applejack glared at me like a mother scolding a child. "Why'd you have to go and do that? Once Rarity gets started on her dresses, there ain't no tellin' when she'll stop!"

I lowered myself in my chair without thinking, as if doing so would make me yelled at less. "I didn't want to model dresses for Rarity. I didn't think she would go off like this."

Applejack huffed, glaring at Rarity. "Great. Now we'll have to deal with Rarity talkin' about her dresses fer the next hour."

I lowered my head, keeping my eyes on the table. The food arrived shortly later, and Rarity stopped pestering Rainbow, but that didn't help me any. These were the first friends I actually cared about, and I was messing it up. Not only was Fluttershy scared of me, but Applejack was mad at me. And why shouldn't she be? I just made Rarity go off on Rainbow because I didn't want to get out of my comfort zone, metaphorically throwing her under the bus to save myself. I sighed sadly. Some friend I'm turning out to be.

Author's Note

Don't mind me, just building the framework.

Do you know how long it took me to do this? Between the appointments I had to keep last week and the writer's block, this chapter took way too long. Please let me know if I messed up anywhere.

Apples? More Like Asses.

Apples? More Like Asses.

It was two days since that lunch with my friends. I've gotten over it since then, but I haven't left the library. The only contact I've had with ponies has been whenever someone was checking out books. Yes, the salad was nice, thanks for asking.

I was learning as much about magic as I could over the last two days, but let me tell you, nothing curbs your enthusiasm like reading from spell books. I don't mind reading if the subject matter is good, but this was magic I was talking about. Why do you think I hate Harry Potter? It was about wizards being racist and shit! I think. I dunno, I didn't get past the cover.

It was about midday, and my mind was shorting out from another four hour period of binge reading. I marked my page and stared at the wall. Sadly, I wasn't making as much progress as I wanted. While the beginner's book on magic was simple enough for me to breeze right through, this latest tome was giving me trouble for the past three days. Yes, this was the book I was reading right before leaving for lunch that day, and I still wasn't getting very far. I was only twenty pages past the introduction, but I had to reread everything so many times, and cross-reference every term, that I was surprised I managed to get as far as I did. Suddenly, I understood why wizards went to colleges.

Once again, I heard a crunching coming from the kitchen, meaning Spike was trying to sneak another gem into his stomach without me knowing. The dragon still didn't understand that I could hear him eating. As he entered the living room where I was, he noticed quickly that I was watching him. He looked guiltily at me as if I cared. Only one thing bothered me about this. "Hey Spike, where do you keep getting those gems?"

Spike swallowed a mouthful of sapphire and hid the rest behind his back. "Uh, I was finding them... you know, outside?"

"Man, if I could find gems as easily as you, I wouldn't have to work for a living."

Spike gave me another one of those strange looks I was simultaneously nervous about and accustomed to. I know he does that whenever I say something he thinks is strange, but I can never find out what he considers "normal". He followed up his look with the question that was no doubt on his mind for a while. "Hey Twilight, are you feeling okay? You've seemed very... aloof, for the past couple of days."

I raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that a good thing?"

Spike looked at his feet, unsure of his answer. "Well, I guess so. You just seem different, that's all."

While my face was a straight-faced mask, on the inside, I was panicking. This guy was getting dangerously close to figuring out something was wrong. The less questions asked, the better, and now Spike was asking me if my change of behavior is a sign of trouble! Spike was expecting me to respond in some way, but what would I say? I don't know much about my persona aside from a name and a love for books, so I had no idea what a natural response would be. Once again, I hoped something would distract us from the current conversation and save me the trouble.

That's when I noticed the rumbling that was shaking the walls of the library. I looked around, noting how everything was moving around slightly. "What the hell is going on?"

Spike gave me another one of those looks, and looked out a window. I stepped outside to see ponies running around in a panic, screaming about a stampede and barricading themselves indoors. I looked over to see where the "stampede" was coming from, but all I could make out was a large cloud of dust.

I saw Pinkie riding the vibrations from the ground, giggling to herself about how silly her voice sounded. I yelled out to her. "Pinkie, there's a bunch of pissed off somethings-or-other running this way! Get inside!"

By the way she just kept giggling to herself, I guessed she wasn't actually paying any attention to me. I would have pulled her inside, but I remembered her advice to laugh at danger. Then I realized how stupid that advice was during a stampede, so I rushed over to drag her inside. But just when I got close to her, she suddenly stopped in place and stared in awe where the stampede was. I chanced a glance over there in curiosity, seeing that the cloud was pulling away from Ponyville.

Pinkie smiled widely in my face. "Let's go see what's happening!"

Pinkie threw a blind-fold over my eyes, causing me to stagger around in surprise. "Hey, what are you doing?" My question went unanswered as she dragged me along for a few feet.

After only walking a few steps away from the library, Pinkie tore off my blindfold. I instantly noticed that we were standing at the edge of Ponyville, the library was nowhere in sight. I looked at my surroundings with bafflement. "What the hell? How did we get all the way over here?"

Pinkie didn't answer. I sighed, looking over at whatever scene was before me. Sure enough, there was a horde of cows running by, with Applejack up front and corralling them. The stampede was redirected off to Ponyville's side, and the cows stopped just nearby. Now that the danger was over, I took this as my chance to go over and see what this was about.

To my surprise, I overheard Applejack having a conversation with the cows. I knew ponies could talk, but cows took me off guard. "Oh my! Begging your pardon, Applejack, but Mooriella here saw one of those nasty snakes." Said one of the cows. Her statement startled some of the others, but fortunately, they didn't start another riot. "It just gave us the willies, don'tcha know."

...Okay, I now no longer regret eating so many cheeseburgers.

Applejack was far more forgiving than I was. "Ah completely understand. Just try to steer clear of Ponyville, next time."

With that, Applejack ran off. Stopping on top of a hill, she reared up for a "Yeehaw!", and galloped off into the sunset like a badass cowgirl. Except, it was the middle of the day, so there was no sunset. Oh well, it was still cool to see.

The mayor, who I suspected was leaving behind paperwork in the Town Hall, trotted nearby to the gathered crowd. Staring off into the distance where Applejack ran, she stammered her praise. "That was just... just..."

"Appletastic!" Pinkie finished for her, but I doubt that was what the mayor was going to say.

"Uh, sure." The mayor coughed into a hoof. "Anyway, we must do something to thank Applejack for single-hoofedly saving the town."

"Ooh, I know!" Pinkie exclaimed. We all stared at her, expecting an answer. She sat still, unmoving for a few long seconds before she merrily trotted back into town.

The others shrugged and went about their business. I ran after Pinkie. "Wait Pinkie, I still want to know. When you blindfolded me, how did you get me over here so fast?"

Pinkie smiled at me. "If I told you that, then it wouldn't be a secret!" She began hopping instead of trotting.

I stared at her for a long moment of confusion. "...What?"

Later that evening, the mayor spoke to me in a conversation that I will summarize thusly:

"Would you like to say a few words before we give Applejack a huge-ass trophy for saving the town?"

"Sure, whatever."

So the next day, I sat around the front of town hall while ponies were decorating. Even though we just had the Summer Sun Celebration a few days ago, everyone was very excited for today. Everyone pitched in for decoration, except for myself. I was busy with something a little more important, in that I still had my personal assignment to do. Sure, I had to make a speech before Applejack got her trophy, but I was a tad bit more worried about getting better at magic. The only progress I made was realizing that I was reading an advanced spell book which was far above my level of understanding.

My friends and I sans Applejack met up just before my scheduled speech. It was the lack of the farmer's presence that had us together. I looked all around. "Where's Applejack?"

"I haven't seen her since the stampede." Rainbow admitted.

"Huh. I know if I were being celebrated for my heroics, I wouldn't want to miss my party."

"Yeah, right?" Rainbow grinned in agreement. "There's no way Applejack would miss this! She'll be here."

I looked back to the stage where I would be speaking, seeing the massive crowd gathered before it. It was time for me to make my epic speech, so I dismissed myself and climbed up to the podium.

The crowd looked up at me, anticipating my speech. Some people would probably wonder why I didn't bring any flash cards with notes on them. Well, that's because I didn't need any. Oratory was my specialty, and I went in ready to improvise some grand address to make Applejack sound totally kickass.

I smiled at the crowd, ready to speak my words. "Hello, everyone. Today, we have gathered to honor the best among us. This mare has saved our town from certain disaster for the second time in five days. This honorable and unswerving individual-"

My speech was interrupted by an ecstatic Rainbow Dash, who pushed me aside to take over. "Did you see Applejack's moves out there? What an athlete! This week, she's gonna help me with my new flying trick, and I know it's gonna be so awesome." Her voice dropped to what I can only describe as a squee.

See, things like this are exactly why I prefer to improvise my presentations. Without some long-winded plan to follow to the dot, I could incorporate this unexpected interruption into my speech. And who said politics was hard? I pushed my way to the podium, if only to get my spotlight back. "You see? Who else but Applejack would spend her free time helping people with their aerial acrobatics?"

As proud of myself as I was for my quick thinking, Pinkie pushed me into Rainbow. It must have been comical to see me squished between two mares like that, but I found it to be a bit annoying. Pinkie used her interruption for an important announcement. "This week, I get to run Sugarcube Corner for the first time!"

"Thanks for the relevant information, Pinkie. Does this have anything to do with Applejack?" I asked, still wedged between the two.

Pinkie bopped her head, as if just remembering something. "Oh yeah! Applejack was going to help me! That's why we're giving away free samples!"

The crowd cheered uproariously at that.

I looked at Rainbow, who was still up on stage with us for some reason. "Uh, Rainbow? Why are you still up here?" I whispered.

"I just wanted to talk about my trick." She admitted.

I stared at her for a bit, just to let her know how poorly timed she was, and pushed both mares away. "Great. Any more Applejack related news I should know about? Anyone?" I looked around. Fluttershy looked like she wanted to say something, but she thought better of it when I looked at her.

The mayor walked up to me, and stared at me with an expecting smile. I slowly turned to face her, entering a staring contest with her. I was going to stare at her until she told me what she wanted. I had to admit, the crowd was being very patient with us. We sat there for a whole ten seconds before the mayor finally ended the silence. "Are you finished with your speech?"

"Well I am, now." I nearly grumbled. Yeah, just like every presentation, my speech was interrupted by everybody. I'd better cut my losses. I just hopped off the stage, letting the mayor take over the podium.

"And so, with no further ado, it is my privilege to give the prize, Pony of Ponyville Award, to our beloved guest of honor, a pony of the utmost trustworthiness, reliability, and integrity. Ponyville's most capable and dependable friend: Applejack!"

The mayor presented the huge trophy from out of nowhere. I had to admit, it was incredible how quickly they had this trophy prepared. Either they made this thing the other day, or they just had a spare one lying around. I wonder which one it was? Was I impressed by their industrialism or their fore-sight?

Either way, the trophy was being presented for Applejack to claim. Except, Applejack was nowhere to be seen. Poor Spike was cheering even though everyone went quiet. I patted him on the shoulder. "Dude, relax."

Spike gave me another look. To her credit, Applejack did show, but she was in a miserable state. She was stumbling around through the crowd with her eyes half closed. She may have stepped on a few tails on her way through, but she eventually climbed up to the stage. She took the podium, and I just realized how awful she looked.

"Thank you kindly fer this here... award thingy." She slurred. She yawned loudly and looked into the base. "It's so bright and shiny and, heh, heh heh, ah sure do look funny, heh." She leaned in and out from the trophy, giggling and making silly noises. Pinkie soon joined her, both enjoying themselves way too much.

What surprised me was that no one wanted to interrupt this. Sure, a grand speech from one of Equestria's saviors? Can't let that finish. Applejack and Pinkie making silly noises at a trophy? Oh well, let them have their fun.

What finally did interrupt them was Applejack suddenly dropping into sleep. The audience looked amongst itself as if they would find someone who understood what was happening in the crowd. Applejack shook herself awake. "Well, ah'd better git goin'. Thanks again fer the award." She bit onto a handle of the trophy, and dragged it away.

When she was out of sight, the crowd dispersed. All that remained of the crowd was me and my friends. "Was it just me, or was Applejack plastered?" I asked.

"Nah, Applejack's not that much of a lightweight. She seemed more tired to me." Said Rainbow.

"Let's not forget messy." Rarity added. She noticed us rolling our eyes. "Well, did you see her mane?"

"She seemed fine to me." Pinkie then resumed woo-ing into the air like she was the Nature Boy.

Ignoring Pinkie, because she never makes sense, I sighed. "You think I should go check up on her?"

"Better you than me, I suppose," said Rarity.

I figured as much.

Searching Sweet Apple Acres didn't take very long. Applejack was a little ways in, but I noticed that there was no one else outside to help her with the harvesting. Odd, where were all the ponies I met before the Summer Sun Celebration?

I approached Applejack, who nodded off again. I stood in front of her, debating whether or not I should wake her. After all, she looked pretty tired, and I wouldn't want anyone to mess with my sleep. My considerations were for naught when Applejack shook herself awake. At first, she was glaring at me as if she was ready to attack, but she settled down into what could only be called irritation. "Oh, it's just you."

Huh, how rude. I would have asked what her problem with me was, but she looked like she had her own problems. "Sorry for dropping by unannounced. I just stopped by to see if everything is all right."

Without so much as eye-contact, Applejack walked sluggishly to a nearby tree. "Ah'm fine, so thanks fer comin'. You can go now."

Geez, what was with Applejack's cold shoulder? I followed her, scrutinizing her. Her sluggish gait was definitely due to no small amount of fatigue. "Applejack, you're exhausted. Have you been getting enough sleep?"

Applejack weakly bucked a tree, dropping the apples into buckets. "Ah'm gettin' all the sleep ah need."

"And how much is that? Seven to eight hours is the minimum to avoid the effects of sleep-deprivation, and you still look like you need to catch a few winks."

Applejack was getting frustrated with my insistence. "Four's plenty fer me. Can ya go now?"

I narrowed my eyes, digging further into her situation despite her growing anger. "Is there a reason you're losing sleep?"

Applejack rubbed her eyes and glared at me. "If ya must know, ah have a lot of work to do. Speakin' of which, ah should get back to it. Hint hint."

"First of all, I was never in your way, feel free to buck trees while we talk. Second, why are you working all alone? Don't you have any relatives or farmhands around?"

Applejack raised an eyebrow at me. "Farm-what now?"

I sighed. "Helpers. Don't you have anyone that can help you?"

Applejack obviously took offense to this, getting right in my face. "Ah don't need help! Ah can do this on my own!"

I returned her glare, taking a step away so I could have some of my space back. "I'm not arguing that you can't. What I'm saying is that working alone is hurting you! Get some help, you can hardly think straight."

"Ah'm fine! Why don't you and yer twin sister git on out of here so ah can go back to work without yer fussin'?"

I looked around for who my "twin sister" was, but we were alone in the fields. I figured she was seeing double, something that only drunk or tired people do. Instead of pointing out the obvious, my best option was to get back to my own work. "Okay, fine. But before I leave, I want you to do some thinking, if your mind is even in enough shape to do so. How long will you have to treat yourself like this before you realize how pointless it is?" I turned away from her. "My offer to help is still on the table."

Applejack grunted in response. I sighed, leaving her and the farm behind. The only farewell I got was the sound of trees and buckets getting kicked.

I fell back onto a chair in my library, a cup of water in my hooves. I was a bit aggravated after speaking to Applejack, but at the same time I was thoughtful.

Spike came down the stairs and saw me. "Hey Twilight. How's Applejack doing?"

I was quiet for a moment before answering. "Spike, did I do anything since arriving in Ponyville that might upset anyone?"

Spike was understandably silent at the question. After all, when a slightly angry woman asks a loaded question like that, it's never a good thing. "Uh, well... no?"

While Spike was expecting some kind of outburst, I was still lost in thought. "Hmm. Then that begs the question of why Applejack hates me."

Spike was taken aback by my calm statement. "Hates you? But you're friends!"

I took a nonchalant sip of water. "So why was Applejack so rude to me? Despite being in way over her head, she refused my help. Maybe we're not as good friends as we think we are?"

Spike stared at me with the same expression one has when expecting a train crashing into a broken car on the tracks. However, whatever he was expecting wasn't happening, and he realized that after about a minute of waiting. While I was still thinking, Spike aired his concerns. "Uh, are you okay?"

I eyed him curiously. "I feel fine, why?"

Spike scratched his head nervously. "Well, you're thinking that Applejack might not be your friend anymore, so I thought you were... you know."

"Know what?"

"Freaking out."

I chuckled at Spike. Man, what kind of worry-wart was he living with that freaks out over the barest of complications? "Don't worry, man. I'm far from losing myself. On the contrary, I'm in full control of the situation."

Spike sighed with relief, but then he perked right up with another problem. "Oh no, you're not going to use your magic to fix this, are you?"

I did a double-take at him. "What? Fuck no, I'm not using magic!" Spike took a step back at my outburst while I regained my composure. He looked more confused than anything else, though. "No, if Applejack wants to work alone, then she will. I'll let her work herself to the bone before I intervene. By that point, if she doesn't outright come to me for help, then she'll at least be more accepting of the idea."

"So, your plan is waiting?"

"Pretty much."

The next day, I was reading another, easier book on magic. This was more complicated stuff than basic levitation, but easier than the last book. Now I was getting into the basics of more complicated spells, like dweomers and equations. Just my luck that magic is more like algebra than art.

I heard the familiar sound of a turning page across the room. This wasn't just some book I heard, I knew it was from either a magazine or a comic. Curiosity piqued, figuring that Spike wouldn't be reading a magazine, I saw Spike reading some colorful comic book.

I put aside my spell book to find one of Spike's comics. I went upstairs, because I knew we kept additional books up there and there were no comics on the main floor. Searching among the books we kept up there, I found the first issue of Power Ponies. I briefly wondered if they were anything like my world's Power Rangers. I figured I was going to read this, instead. Sure, I had a moral obligation to learn magic, but I could probably spare a day, right?

WHAM!

I sighed. I wasn't going to have much of an off-day, was I?

I opened the glass door to the balcony, where I found the source of the noise: a dazed Rainbow Dash. She was hanging limp on the railing, so it looked like she crashed directly onto it. It was a painful looking scene.

At first, I thought nothing of it. She "lands forcefully" all the time, so I had no reason to worry. "Hey Rainbow. Are you okay?"

To my surprise, she didn't hop up and start making some excuse for crashing. She almost inaudibly groaned and looked up at me. "I'll be fine. But you should go see Applejack again. She's out of it." And with that, Rainbow's head drooped.

With hardly a thought, I levitated her off the railing. She didn't move much. She passed out.

With a small growl, I placed her in my bed, pulling the covers over her. Fortunately, she was still breathing as well as ever. That didn't change the fact that Rainbow was injured.

Spike opened the door to the room, to see me glaring at a sleeping Rainbow Dash. "What's she doing in your bed?"

The last thing Rainbow mentioned before passing out was Applejack. With that, everything was clear. I turned to Spike. "Go get Rarity and tell her to go to Sweet Apple Acres. It's time we had a chat with Applejack."

I stomped by Spike with a determined frown. Spike didn't like my expression, and spoke up. "Wait, why? I thought you were going to wait?"

I stopped and gave him one look that repelled any further arguments. "I don't know what happened, but it's clear that Applejack has hurt another one of my friends." I started forward onto my destination. "The time for waiting is over. I refuse to sit idly while someone hurts my friends."

I first stopped by Sugarcube Corner, for I had a single errand there. I entered the bakery to find Pinkie Pie speaking with the store owners.

"Now Pinkie, we're only going to be gone for two days, so you only have to run the Corner like we taught you." Lectured a light blue mare I didn't recognize.

"Okie Doki, Mrs. Cake!" Pinkie chirped.

"I think she get's it, Honeybun." Said a yellow stallion, who I presumed to be Mr. Cake.

When Mrs. Cake turned to nod at her husband, she noticed me. "Oh, I'm sorry, but we're closed today."

I shook off their concern. "Just as well, since I'm only here for that Pie." I pointed at Pinkie.

Pinkie jumped in front of me, practically getting in my face. "Heya Twilight! What's down?"

What's down? Is she trying to say "what's up" but differently? Ugh, whatever, I barely have time for this. "Hey, Pinkie. We're gonna need your help. Could you go get Fluttershy? I want to gather all the girls at Sweet Apple Acres so we can help Applejack. By the way, I don't think Applejack will be in any shape to help you tomorrow."

Pinkie pouted. "Aw, then who's gonna help me run Sugarcube Corner?"

"I will, so don't worry, I've got your back."

Pinkie brightened up instantly. "Oh boy! It'll be great baking with you! I'll go get Fluttershy!" Pinkie lunged into the back.

The Cakes glanced at each other, and turned to me. Mr. Cake coughed nervously into a hoof. "So you're Twilight? The one who hit a 'big, scary monster' in the private parts?"

Yeah, I think I'll just beat a hasty retreat.

I marched through Sweet Apple Acres in search of my quarry. Finding her was as easy as following the sound of weak kicks connecting onto trees. There she was, shaking her head in a daze as if she recently hit her head on something.

"Applejack, we need to talk." I approached her, but she didn't notice my approach until she looked right at me.

"Oh, hey Twilight." She drawled. She still didn't sound happy to see me.

I disregarded her disregard for my feelings. I increased my volume, since it seemed that she didn't hear me before. "Applejack, we need to talk!"

"What was that about beanstalks?" She yelled.

Oh, come on! That wasn't even close to what I said! Fine, I'll just enunciate my words very loudly. "Applejack! We! Need! To! Talk!"

"Ohhhh, well why didn't you say so?"

Grr, this pony will be the end of me! "You! Need! Help!"

"Like hay Ah do!"

"Your! Actions! Are! Affecting! Everyone! Around you!"

"No they ain't! Ah'm doing fine!"

"No! You're! Not! You! Look! Like! Hell!"

"Why are you bein' so nasty?"

"You! First!"

Applejack was about to respond, but she noticed the girls coming from behind me. When they joined us, each of them questioning what was happening. "Why are they here?" Applejack asked.

"This! Is! An! Intervention! We! Brought! All! Your! Friends!"

"Then where's Rainbow?" She asked.

"She's! Sleeping! Off! An! Injury! You! Gave! Her!"

Applejack's eyes widened at my proclamation. "What? Ah didn't hurt her! Ah couldn't have!"

"Well! You! Did! She! Said! So! Herself! Before! She! Passed! Out!"

Applejack finally felt her fatigue getting to her, and she plopped onto the ground. "No way..."

I stepped closer, placing a supportive hoof on her shoulder. "Your! Actions! Are! Hurting! Your! Friends! While! You! Can! Do! It! On! Your! Own! It's! Not! Worth! The! Cost!"

"So ah actually got Rainbow hurt?" Applejack looked around the dirt in silence for a few moments, then looked up at us. "Maybe ah have been workin' too hard. Twilight? Girls? Do ya think you could help me out?"

The others nodded their agreement, while I spoke aloud for them. "What are friends for?"

"Uh, come again?"

Ugh. "What. Are. Friends. For?"

"Oh. Thanks."

The girls and I were spotting for Applejack while she got some sleep. Fluttershy was placing apples in buckets, Rarity was using magic to harvest trees faster, which left Pinkie and I to carry loads of apples back to storage. With the four of us working together like this, we were getting everything done faster than Applejack did on her own. With all of us working together, we weren't getting tired any time soon, either. All in all, helping Applejack was the best thing to happen to her all week.

She woke up eventually, and came outside to see the day's work was almost done already. When I saw her, I also saw an opportunity to get to the bottom of a concern I've had for a little while. Pinkie was kind enough to take over the hauling alone, allowing me to talk with Applejack. She still looked tired and awful, but she was much better than she was earlier.

"Hey Applejack, you feeling alright?"

Applejack nodded with a smile. "Yeah. Thanks fer talkin' sense into me. Ah can only imagine how badly ah would've messed up at Sugarcube Corner."

I chuckled politely. "Yeah, that could have been a disaster. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you."

"What about?"

I dropped any pretense that this was going to be a light conversation. This was a discussion. "Applejack, how do you feel about me?"

Applejack suddenly went tense. "What do you mean? Yer a good friend."

I wasn't buying that crap. "Don't play with me. You were awfully rude to me, and I doubt your fatigue had anything to do with it. So, what's the problem?"

Applejack wasn't very keen on keeping eye-contact anymore. She was trying to avoid the question. "Ah don't wanna talk about it after what you just did to help. It wouldn't be right."

"No. You're going to tell me what I'm doing to upset you. If we are going to be friends, then we have to be able to speak our minds. So what is it?"

Applejack sighed in resignation. "Fine. You wanna know what my problem is, then ah'll tell you." She looked me right in the eye, and spoke as plain as day. "Yer a snake."

My brow straightened at the statement. She came up with that answer awfully fast. "Could you explain?"

Applejack nodded solemnly. "You refuse to tell us the truth about yourself. Ah'm still not sure whether yer from Fillydelphia or Canterlot, or even if you know about yourself as well as you say you do. Worst of all, you made Rarity go crazy on poor Rainbow about her darned dresses. Ah think she was askin' you about tryin' on some dresses and you turned her over to one of yer friends instead of dealin' with her yourself, right?" I nodded the affirmative, but my frown only deepened. "Yeah, that's what ah thought. Yer a lyin', deceivin', snake. That's why ah don't like you."

I looked down, having the courtesy to look ashamed of my deception until now. After a moment of silence, I looked back up to her. "You're right. I'm sorry that I haven't been the best friend that I could be."

Applejack smiled expectantly. "So you're gonna tell us about yourself for real, now?"

Applejack didn't realize just how deep those words just cut into me. While she just saw a tiny wince, she could be assured that she struck me to the core. "I'm sorry, but I can't do that. There are just some things that I'm not ready to reveal."

Applejack didn't bother hiding how disappointed she was. "Ah see."

I sighed. "I hope we can still be friends, despite me not wanting to talk too much about myself."

Applejack gave it a moment of consideration, and finally sighed. "Ah don't like it. But ah suppose ah can't force you to do something you're not comfortable with. Sure, we're still friends."

Applejack and I shared what's called a "brohoof". I may not be as honest as I wanted to be to the friends that deserve it, but I swore that I would be the best friend I could be.

Author's Note

Tricky question: Is the chapter title referring to the main character being a lying prick, or Applejack being a rude bitch? You decide!

Confectionary Confusion

I wasn't bothering to pack anything before leaving. What could I possibly need to bring with me? It's not like the library will be locked up behind me. No, this little distraction at the bakery would be a simple affair. I'd just bake a few treats with Pinkie, and leave whenever we finish. No problem.

I stepped up to the library's front door, and called out to Spike. "I'm leaving for Sugarcube Corner! Think you'll be alright on your own for a while?"

Spike stepped out of the kitchen. "Yeah, but why are you going to Sugarcube Corner? Surely it won't take you that long to buy a few cupcakes."

"Actually, I was going to help Pinkie run the store. I'm going to be baking with her today."

Spike winced, as if I just said something painful. "Are you sure about that?"

I gave him a confused look. "What's wrong with that? I'm just going to be baking a few things, it's not that hard."

"Twi, no offense, but you somehow turn cooking into a disaster."

I couldn't help but notice that he didn't use my full name. Maybe my relaxed attitude was rubbing off on him. Anyway, he was dissing my culinary skills? I know I'm not much of a chef, but I can follow directions easily enough. "Relax, Spike." I assured. "I'm going to be working with the master. I'm sure everything will be fine."

"You cooked spaghetti into a single fried mass that tasted like dirt. I don't think a little help from Pinkie will change much."

Okay, how do you screw up spaghetti that badly? Now I'm genuinely interested in what my persona was up to before I came around. Still, I wasn't about to let Spike worry about this, so I decided to show him how confident I was. "Well, five bits says I got better since then."

Spike gave me another one of those looks. "You didn't get any practice since then."

"Sure I have." I tried lying. "You just weren't looking."

"That was two weeks ago."

Oh. "...I learned from the experience."

Spike still wasn't sold on it. "Are you sure you can't find somepony else to help her?"

I opened the door without taking my eyes off of Spike. "I'm going."

"Good luck. You'll need it."

I rolled my eyes at him and left. With the door shut behind me, I lightly walked to Sugarcube Corner. I'd show him. I'm gonna be an adequate baker, so in his face!

Then again, he seemed awfully insistent that I'd find a way to screw this up. He'd be expecting some kind of newsworthy disaster from my mere involvement. If Spike was right about how awful the real Twilight was at cooking, then it would be strange if nothing happened. The way I see it, Spike already knows something weird is going on. The rate at which he gives me looks is increasing, which means he's noticing all of the differences in my behavior and Twilight's. Considering how strange I seem to him, perhaps it was in my best interest to intentionally botch these confections and at least buy myself some time.

But what about Pinkie? She was very excited about opening Sugarcube Corner on her own, and it seemed she wanted to make a good first impression. If I botched these goods on her, then that would definitely hurt Pinkie. Okay, so I wouldn't be "harming" her, so no foul, right? After all, anything could happen in a bakery, and a few mistakes could be easily attributed to my lack of experience.

Both options were enticing to me in some way. Sabotage my efforts in the bakery, and Spike's expectations are met and he'll still think I'm the real Twilight for a little while longer. If I help Pinkie correctly, then she'll be grateful and happy.

I was tempted to do the former, but I couldn't forget about yesterday. Wasn't this the kind of thing that Applejack was talking about? Taking the easy way out at the expense of my friends? At what point would I have to admit that I'm manipulating my friends for personal gain? I had to stand resolute now and draw the line. I may not be able to tell them the truth about myself, but I must still give them my best effort. The least I could do was my honest best to help Pinkie with a few cookies.

With my decision made, I arrived at Sugarcube Corner. The gingerbread building dared me inside, and I couldn't resist. The inside was devoid of ponies and treats. In fact, the only thing in here besides the counter was the service bell. I looked around, looked in the kitchen, looked up the stairs, but I saw no one. Strange, unless Pinkie was using the restroom further up the stairs, then why wasn't she here to greet me?

I stared at the service bell for a few moments. I've never rung one before, even when I saw them back home. I looked around the room, confirming it was empty before turning back to the bell. Aw hell, let's ring it!

Ding!

"Hey, Twilight!"

The sudden greeting from just beside my head startled me. I spun to face the speaker, Pinkie Pie, with a shocked and confused exclamation. "Jesus Christ, Pinkie!"

Pinkie shook her head disapprovingly at me, clicking her tongue. "Now now, Twilight, you really shouldn't be taking your lord and savior's name in vain like that."

The shock and confusion deepened. "Wait, you know Jesus?"

"Nope!"

I tilted my head, for that was the only way to further display my confusion. "Then how did you know he was my lord and savior?"

"I didn't."

For I don't know how long, I just stared at Pinkie. I didn't have words for how nonsensical she was being. Fortunately, Pinkie didn't understand just how weird she was, and was able to think clearly enough for the both of us. "Whatta ya say, Twilight? Ready for some baking goodness?"

I nodded dumbly.

She lead me into the kitchen, where we found a table in the center of the room in front of an oven and an assortment of cabinets. She pulled out a few bowls and pans. "Alrighty! I'll get the eggs and sugar! Could you get the chocolate chips?"

I nodded at turned to the cabinets behind me. I opened one of them and found the bag I needed. The bag in hoof, I turned around to find Pinkie watching me instead of dealing with the eggs and sugar like she said she would. Looking in the big bowl before her, I saw that, somehow, she already mixed them appropriately. I looked at Pinkie questioningly, wordlessly asking "How did you do that?"

"Just pour the whole bag in." She answered. That was the answer to a completely different question. Okay, if I stop to ask the "how" of everything, this was going to be a long, unproductive day. I dumped the chocolate chips into the bowl.

"Okay, now we need some baking soda."

I pulled out the baking soda and poured a little into the bowl. I was getting this funny feeling that we weren't doing this right.

"Now a cup of flour."

Wait, now we're getting to the flour? Oh yeah, we're definitely doing this wrong. Still, I supposed that Pinkie knew what she was doing, so I wasn't about to argue. I measured out a cup of flour and poured it into the bowl.

"And finally, some wheat germ."

Okay, now I had to stop and ask some questions. "What the fuck is a wheat germ?"

Pinkie shrugged. "I dunno. I'm not an agriculture scientist."

I raised an eyebrow. That seems like an awfully specific field of science to deny. Whatever, I just looked around for something that was labelled "wheat germ" and dumped it into the bowl. Satisfied, Pinkie stirred it really fast. Pinkie was stirring so fast, she was sending parts of the mixture flying around the room as if she was a blender without its lid. I ducked under the table to avoid it all, and only emerged when she poured the mixture into a muffin tin.

Pinkie shoved it into an oven that I'm not entirely sure was pre-heated. "And now we wait!" Pinkie practically pressed her face against the oven window to watch the baking process in live-action.

I stood there, uncertain of what she was doing. I know I wouldn't want to keep my head that close to an oven longer than necessary, so it was beyond me how she could stand it. I was drawing a line about one minute in. "So, Pinkie. How long will they be in there?"

"Fifteen minutes."

I set a nearby kitchen timer to fourteen minutes to account for the minute we stood there. So we waited. For fifteen minutes. With Pinkie staring right into the oven. As for myself, I could only watch Pinkie watching for about four before I decided to roam about the store for something to do. I wish I could say my search was fruitful, but that would be wrong. When I came back to the kitchen, Pinkie was still staring at the muffins in progress.

Finally, the kitchen timer went off. When the kitchen timer shut off, I swore that Pinkie's mane was ringing. She smacked the side of her head, turning off that ringing noise, and pulled out the muffin tin. The kitchen was filled with the smell of the delectable chocolate chip muffins. They were suddenly very difficult to resist.

"Great, now we just hoof them out!" Pinkie placed the muffins onto a platter and trotted outside with them. I followed her out, of course. The least I could ask is to see if Twilight's culinary screw-ups were a curse placed on her body or something.

Pinkie set out the muffins on the counter. Just as she did that, a group of ponies entered the store, no doubt for the promise of free muffins. Pinkie smiled wide at them. "Hello everypony! Who wants free muffins?"

The group had no problems voicing their excitement over free sweets. One by one, we handed over a muffin to the lucky ponies. Each pony chewed with brightening grins, enjoying their complimentary treats. The only problem was that we soon ran out of muffins for them.

"Sorry, everyone." I explained. "We're out of those free samples."

"No we're not, silly! There's another batch coming out of the oven right now!" Pinkie trotted merrily into the kitchen, and returned with another tray filled with chocolate chip muffins.

"When did we put in another batch?"

"I did when you wandered around earlier." Pinkie handed out another muffin to a small cheer. That was distracting enough for her to not notice that I was staring at her in disbelief. I shook it off to resume our task.

At long last, and after three more batches of mysteriously appearing trays of muffins, the ponies were clearing out of Sugarcube Corner. That left Pinkie and I with four remaining muffins and little to do. So we sat around waiting for someone to come by.

"So Pinkie, when are we going to actually sell something? It's like the only thing we're doing is giving away free food."

Pinkie giggled at my naivete. "Oh Twilight, we're not selling anything, today!"

I had to admit, Pinkie was great at confusing me. "What? How does Sugarcube Corner turn a profit if you just give everything away?"

Pinkie smiled confidently. "Don't worry about us, Twilight. We're not losing any money today because I found all the ingredients myself."

"If you found the ingredients, then how are you not losing money?"

"Easy-peasy, I found them lying by the road!"

This gave me an uneasy pause. I glanced suspiciously at the muffins that remained on the counter. These things were made of abandoned ingredients that Pinkie found in the dirt? Suddenly, I was less concerned about profit and more about sanitation.

Eventually, someone I was interested in speaking with came in: Rainbow Dash. I haven't seen her since she just flew out of my house yesterday before I got back from the farm. "Hey, Rainbow!" I greeted.

"Hello Dashie! Here's a muffin just for you!" Pinkie tossed a muffin at the pegasus, who smoothly caught it.

Rainbow bit into the muffin, plainly enjoying its deliciousness. "Mmm, these are good. Thanks, Pinkie."

"No problemo!"

Taking another bite, Rainbow turned to me. "Oh, and thanks for letting me crash at your place."

I smiled slyly. "Multiple times."

Rainbow coughed, almost choking on her food to scoff at me. "Just that one time! And that was not my fault!"

I chuckled. "I know, I'm sorry. And you're welcome. How are you feeling, anyhow?"

"Awesome. I feel like I can fly around the world in a few seconds. So, you know, just the usual." She arrogantly raised her head, continuing to eat the baked goods in her hoof.

I was glad to see my friend back in shape. I was a little worried when she passed out like that, but things were all right. This bragging of her's was definitely a good sign. "That's good. So what are you up to today?"

"Ah, not much. I have to get back to work in a few minutes. Clouds don't bust themselves, you know?" Rainbow gulped down the last of her muffin. "That reminds me, I gotta punch back in in two minutes. See ya around!" Rainbow sped off, leaving a prismatic trail in her wake.

I found it hard to believe that busting clouds was a full-time job. Was there more to it than that? I'd have to look it up. Still, at least I wasn't quite so worried about... whatever was worrying me a moment ago.

As Rainbow's trail dissipated, another pony came in. A brown stallion with a disinterested frown sauntered in, looking like he might fall asleep. I greeted him with a smile. "Hello, welcome to Sugarcube Corner. Want a free muffin?"

"Sure." He grunted. I could tell he was just being concise.

I handed him a muffin, which he promptly bit into. His eyebrows raised, as if he found something interesting. "Hmm." It was a vocalized noise of contentment. When he turned to leave, I knew he liked it.

Pinkie sniffled. I frowned curiously at her. Pinkie was visibly upset, but I had no idea why. I asked her what was bothering her.

Pinkie looked up at me, nearly in tears. "He didn't like them."

"What makes you think that?" I asked.

"He didn't smile!" Pinkie sighed sadly. "Everypony else was smiling, so why doesn't he smile because of our sweets?"

Wow, it didn't take much to upset Pinkie, did it? I put a comforting hoof on her shoulder. "Pinkie, trust me. He enjoyed it."

She looked up at me unsurely. "Really? What makes you so sure?"

"Trust me, as a former introvert, I know how they react to things."

"Uh, what does staying indoors a lot have to do with knowing how ponies react to things"

I rubbed a hoof on the side of my head. "As a former loner, I know things. Believe me, he might not be showing it, but I'm sure he's got a big smile right now."

Pinkie smiled hopefully. "Really?"

"Absolutely."

Pinkie hopped right back into her usual exuberance. "Okay! Thanks for cheering me up. Remind me later so we can can get you out some more. Being indoors all the time doesn't sound healthy or fun." With that, Pinkie gobbled one of the last muffins in one bite, and hopped back to the kitchen, presumably to get some more "free samples".

I sighed. I would be a bit more perturbed by Pinkie's misunderstanding of the word "introvert", but I couldn't be bothered. I was just glad that I managed to keep her from being mopey. Sadness doesn't really suit her. I was glad that I tried my best, after all.

After a day of baking and manning the counter, I finally returned to the library. I stepped right in to find Spike chewing on some more gemstones from a bowl, which he quickly tried to hide from me. I just shook my head at him with a smile, and sat down where I left that copy of Power Ponies I meant to start reading.

Spike placed his bowl behind under a chair. "Hey, Twilight. How bad was it?"

I shot him a playful glare. "For your information, it went off without a hitch."

Spike looked very surprised. "Seriously? No giant messes to clean up or anything?"

"Well, Pinkie did get quite a bit of muffin mix on the walls, but that was easily fixed. The muffins, cookies, cupcakes, and experimental cookie cupcakes all turned out rather well."

"So, nopony got sick?" Spike scratched his chin in thought. "That doesn't sound right."

I rolled my eyes and opened up the comic. Today was a very interesting day. Baking was mostly waiting, but Pinkie made it a lot more interesting than that. Between her boundless energy and love for baking, time just passed me by. But for now, I was tired, and I wanted to relax. I was in the mood to read about super hero ponies.

When Spike noticed what I was reading, he gave me another Look.

Bitch Griffins and Comic Book Puns

Finally, after nearly a week of straight reading, I have finished my book on Beginner's Magic for Unicorns. My brain was numb, my eyelids were heavy, and my heart was slowly turning black, but I've finally done it. At last, I have enough knowledge to begin casting more powerful spells! The only problem is that I don't actually know any additional spells. That was because this particular book was about the basics of magic, which only includes some information on spell components.

It didn't help that the book was filled with jargon that I had to translate into English. Wait, was I even speaking and thinking in English, or is this something my brain is translating for me in real-time? I shook my head, deciding not to think about it.

There were quite a few "schools" of magic. The school of abjuration, which focuses on wards and shields, conjuration, which focuses on the creation of objects, and so on. Of particular interest were the Divination and Transmutation schools. With the former, I'd be able to find the real Twilight and find some way to restore her back into this body, and the latter will let me become human again, as it is for the manipulation of an object's properties. These schools will do nicely for me.

Let's see, there was also information on dweomer sequences, which were made of dweomers, or glyphs. These specific sequences combine in particular orders to make different spells. Telekinesis is the easiest "spell", since all it requires is the caster's force of will. For any spell more powerful, at least three dweomer sequences are needed. The only exception to that is for one's specialty school, or a particular school of magic that one is abnormally good at. There are apparently some theories around for why that is, but no two unicorns can seem to agree on it. Suffice to say, they can only agree that each unicorn is abnormally powerful in certain schools of magic.

Also of interest was some info about magic itself. Apparently, it is tied to both the body and soul. Only creatures with a soul can cast spells, but they would also need a physical body from which to channel their power. So my idea of becoming a poltergeist and returning home like that was out of the question. I was going to need another body that could sustain itself. That means I would have to create a body from scratch and quickly insert my own soul, but that was going to be tricky. "Necromancy" was a forbidden school, anyway. Yeah, about that. If wizards want to cast lots of spells, then why invent entire branches of spells that no one is allowed to use? That's just dumb, even for wizards.

I sighed, feeling like I was trying to sprint uphill. It was made abundantly clear that I don't have the power to cast the spells I need right away. I don't know the spells that I need, and even if I did, such high-powered spells would only fizzle out without the appropriate amount of power behind it. The only way I was going to increase my spellcasting prowess was to... cast a lot of spells. I mean, sure, I was in the body of a trained magic user, but it was a real shame that spell-power comes from the soul, while the body is more like a conductor, funneling magic into a useful spell. That leaves me with one upsetting conclusion: I was stuck here for a long time, during which I'll need to do a lot of magic.

Great, at what point should I break down into a swearing mass of fur? I had so much that I needed to do, and little of it was worth looking forward to. I wonder how long I can unenthusiastically work on this project of mine without tiring myself out? Surely I wouldn't go insane by the end...

A knocking at the door caught my attention, drawing me from my gloomy thoughts. Weird, who could possibly be knocking? Surely they knew this was a public library? I opened the door, but found no one outside. I looked around, but no one was running away or even paying me any mind. At first, I was just going to shrug and go back inside, but the glare of reflecting sunlight caught my eyes from below. It was a single bit, the gold coin seemingly beckoning with its enticing shimmer. Now, how could I resist gold?

I tried to pick it up off my doorstep, but it was stuck. I tried grasping it harder, but that only made my hoof hurt. I tried again and again, but I always failed to my growing frustration. I was about to tell the coin where it could shove itself, but there was hysterical laughter coming from a nearby bush. I glared suspiciously at it. It was only then that I noticed a bottle of super-glue lying about halfway in the bush, where the pranksters were laughing at me. Judging by the giggles and guffaws, it must have been Pinkie and/or Rainbow Dash.

I smiled smugly at the bush. So they were pranking me, huh? I'll show them. I entered my house and returned with a trowel. I don't know where we got one or why we need one, but I was glad I had it for this very moment. With it, I pried the coin off the ground, and held it up for inspection. Yep, they used a real bit. I smiled victoriously at the bush. "My bit now, suckers." I faked a laugh as I walked inside. That was a nice distraction from my worries.

I flipped the bit onto a nearby table. Spike came downstairs at the sound of my laughter. "What was that all about?"

"Someone tried to prank me." I said, pointing at the bit. "Ha! The laugh's on them. I got their money!"

Spike sat on one of the steps. "So, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie got to you, huh? Yeah, they already got me. It was pretty funny, actually."

"So I take it Pinkie and Rainbow have been hanging out lately?"

Spike nodded. "They're causing all kinds of laughs, too. You know they painted all of the apple at Sweet Apple Acres into candy colors?"

I chuckled at that. "I bet that must have been quite a sight for Applejack."

I was about to grab a book off a shelf, but I stopped myself. With a reluctant eyeroll, I levitated the book instead. As I sat down with a spellbook, I failed to realize that Spike noticed my hesitation.

Among the list of spells that I read, quite a few were promising. Ignoring the fact that these were spells, I could think of a few that I could use every day. However, I decided to focus on self-defense for now. As peaceful as Equestria seems to me, self-defense is nearly useless, but I figured that I wasn't quite done dealing with monsters and the like. Ponyville sits on the edge of the Everfree Forest, and one of those beasts would wise up eventually and raid the poor town, since it lacks any kind of defense. That leaves me as the only one with the foresight and eventual capability to deal with whatever threats that might lurk nearby. The weakest and least destructive of the spells I was going to learn was a basic Sleep spell. Forcibly shutting a monster into an unconscious state? I was all over that. A sleeping creature was easy to beat up, after all.

With a quill in my hoof, I wrote down the dweomer sequences for the Sleep spell. Spike looked surprised at me, then narrowed his eyes in confusion. "You're writing using your hoof?"

I raised an eyebrow at the strange question. "Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to be over-reliant on my magic, so how else am I supposed to write things?"

Spike stared at me as if the answer was obvious. "...using your mouth?"

I stared back at him. It was weirder to use your hoof to write than using your mouth? Ugh, ponies. I shrugged at him. "Maybe I wanted to invent a new writing style?"

"Um, okay." Spike sat on the stairs with a comic book.

With a chuckle of victory, I returned to my spell list. Before I could either silently gloat at a successful bluff or try memorizing the Sleep spell, the front door slammed open. Pinkie entered the library with a pouty face. I sighed. Another distraction, just as I was making progress. I turned to her, hiding my indignation. "Oh, hello Pinkie. What can I do for you?"

"I just met the meanest griffin I've ever met in my entire life!" She screamed in complaint. She tilted her head in thought. "Wait, I've never met a griffin before today." She shook her head clear of thought. "But if I did, she wouldn't be as mean and grumpy as Gilda!"

I propped a foreleg on the table beside me. I felt as if I would need the extra stability if I was to talk to an angry Pinkie Pie. "I don't suppose you could slow down and explain yourself? Because I have no idea who 'Gilda' is."

Pinkie stared off into space with a seething expression. "Gilda is a griffin friend of Rainbow Dash. She's so mean! She keeps stealing away Dashie and telling me to buzz off!" Pinkie spun towards me to give me an intense glare. "I don't like her, Twilight. She even popped my balloons!" Pinkie pressed her face against mine, glaring directly into my mind. "Who wants to pop balloons!? What did they ever do to her!?"

I sat there for an uncomfortable moment with Pinkie's stare sending shivers up my spine. I pushed her slowly away, making her hooves skid along the floor. With some personal space attained, I found my voice. But that left me with what I had to say. Was Pinkie wanting my help with something, or did she just need to vent? With an internal sigh, I guessed the least I could do was play counselor. Again. "Somehow, I don't think Gilda is the one being problematic. Remember the introvert you met last week?"

Pinkie brightened slightly. "I remember meeting you, silly. Ooh, that reminds me. Have you gone outside recently?"

I rubbed my face, as if that would clear up my frustration. "While I suppose I can go outside for exercise at some point, that's not what we're discussing. Pinkie, you have trouble communicating with others who are less social than you are. You remember that stallion who gave a reserved reaction to one of those 'superly-delicious' muffins? You almost cried because you didn't understand how he reacts to things."

Pinkie looked confused. "But what does that have to do with Gilda?"

"I think you might be over-reacting to Gilda. Much like your reaction to the guy from Sugarcube Corner, you are perceiving Gilda as 'grumpy' and 'mean' when she's just being herself."

Pinkie was stammering in anger at this point. "But... but... she keeps taking Dashie away!"

I didn't miss a beat. "That leads me to my biggest point. If Gilda is a friend of Rainbow's, then it's only natural that she would spend time with her. The fact that they are spending more time with each other than with you, while sad I admit, does not mean they are actively trying to hurt you. Because you can't see that, I'm afraid you're just being jealous."

Spike spoke up. "Green with envy. Or in this case, pink with envy."

I cringed. "Spike, for the love of God. Please don't pun." Spike crossed his arms indignantly.

"J-j-jealous? But what about the balloons?" Pinkie demanded.

I shrugged. "What can I say? They make a satisfying popping noise."

Pinkie made a few false starts, always stopping before she spoke a full word in protest. She gave up with an angry groan, and stormed out of the library. I closed the door behind her with my magic. With her gone, Spike approached me to argue. "What's wrong with my puns?"

"Puns are cheap. Playing around with words and their meanings doesn't make you clever, in just shows that you understand the English language." I explained.

"English? But we're speaking Equestrian!" Spike argued.

Damn it! I knew I was speaking a different language! I waved a hoof dismissively. "Whatever. The point is, they aren't really funny."

"But you laughed at the puns in my comics." He pointed out.

"Yeah, because it's absurd when a group of superheroes starts punning away in a battle against mummies and insane hair-stylists."

"Oh come on. Does that really make it funny?"

"Yes. It's humor in absurdity, and I love it."

"So your maniacal laughter from the comics was because you thought it was ridiculous?"

"You know what they say: 'Our lot loves the lavishly ludicrous'."

"So... you like comics because they are weird?"

I scratched my chin in thought. "Yeah, that about sums it up."

"That's pretty weird for you, Twilight."

"What do you mean?"

"Hoofster's dictionary defines absurd as 'utterly illogical'. I just didn't think you would like that kind of thing, since you like logic so much."

I did not expect such a reasonable observation from Spike. I was especially impressed that he had a reference. "Well, it's sometimes nice to let go of reality and just enjoy things."

Judging by his startled reaction, Spike was not expecting me to say that. "You just 'let go of reality'? How... un-Twilight of you."

Aw, shit. Figures I would be stuck in the body of someone who's "all logical, all the time". I might be good at lying, but there's no way I could pretend to be as skeptical and un-fun as that.

Before I could worry too much about it, there was a knock on the door. Again, with the knocking! You can come right in! I telekinetically opened the door from where I was, and Pinkie hopped in with a burst of confetti. "Twilight! Twilight! I'm throwing a party, and you're invited!"

"Already? But you just left," I glanced over at the clock to confirm the time. "Five minutes ago!"

"Well, yeah. But I decided that I would throw a party for Gilda, just like you suggested!"

I tilted my head at that. "I didn't suggest a party or anything... oh to hell with it. Will there be beer?"

Pinkie stopped and stared at me. "Twilight, I don't know what beer is."

My eyes widened with shock, and my eyes drifted to the floor. "Oh God..." No beer? No booze? I'm not in Equestria, I'm in hell!

Pinkie held a hoof to my shoulder. "Will you be okay?" I nodded. "Will you come to the party?" I nodded again. Pinkie bounced back into chipper spirits. "Okie-Dokie! See you tomorrow at noon!" She trotted out of the library. I closed the door behind her again.

"What is beer?" Spike asked.

"Uh, it's a kind of juice that make your brain feel funny."

Spike raised an eyebrow at me. "That doesn't sound good."

I shrugged. "It's not, it just..." I stopped, just now remembering that Spike was a baby dragon. "Yeah, just don't drink it. It makes you temporarily dumb."

Spike gave me another Look, this time for a different reason.

The next day, Spike and I went to Sugarcube Corner for the party. As expected, ponies were already piling in for a bash, and Pinkie was greeting everyone at the door. You know, it was interesting how the Cakes let Pinkie throw parties in their store. Kinda makes me wonder if they charge for catering at these things.

As for the decorations, what else was there to expect? It was Sugarcube Corner with a few more streamers. There was a cake, a bowl of candy, a punch bowl, and a few juvenile party games around the room. The location of everything was excellent, as no matter where you were in the room, there was something to do. If there was one thing Pinkie knew, it was parties.

Most of my friends were already inside. Applejack and Rarity were having a talk about Gilda, but I noticed Fluttershy was standing alone in the back. I approached her, but when she noticed me coming, she lowered her head and tried to hide behind her mane again. I rolled my eyes at the display. "Hello, Fluttershy. I trust you're doing well."

"Um... I suppose so."

I held back a sigh, which I doubted would help my case with the poor girl. "So, have you met Gilda, yet?" Fluttershy weakly nodded. "Okay, what's she like?"

"She's, um... loud. And aggressive. You might like her."

Well, that was good to know. We're talking about a friend of Rainbow's so she had to be similar. My only problem so far was that Fluttershy was being annoyingly quiet. Having to strain myself just to have a conversation was getting on my nerves. Luckily, Fluttershy walked over to Pinkie to ask about the party. That spared me from having to make some kind of excuse, so I was free to mingle to my heart's content. Unfortunately, I wanted some booze. I settled on punch instead.

To my shock, when I poured some punch in a cup, it spilled right out the bottom. That's weird, there was a hole in the cup. I looked around to make sure no one saw me do that (they didn't) and replaced the cup where I found it. I was just going to let someone else fall for that. Finding a cup without any holes, I scooped out some punch and downed it. There, I felt better. Time to meet someone new.

By that time, the one I assumed was Gilda showed up with Rainbow Dash. I was unsure what I was expecting, but I wasn't expecting an actual griffin. I thought griffin meant some kind of title or something. No, here was a lion/bird right in front of us, wearing the fakest of smiles. I ignored that awful smile of hers, and approached her to introduce myself.

"Hello, you must Gilda. I'm Twilight." I held out a hoof for a handshake, but to my surprise, she inspected my hoof. I couldn't help but think that I missed something.

"Uh huh, yeah. Hi." She said unenthusiastically.

I'd need to say something to break the ice. She wasn't too receptive of me, yet. "So, you're a griffin. That's cool. I never thought I'd see someone so... metal."

Gilda raised an eyebrow at me, surprised. "Wait, you listen to griffin speed metal?"

Griffin speed metal? Oh, holy shit, that's awesome. "I do now."

Gilda elbowed Rainbow Dash. "Well Dash, it looks like you have some cool friends, after all."

Apparently, I was the only one who caught on to that emphasis on "some", because Rainbow just smiled. "Told ya they were awesome. Come on, the rest of them are over there." Rainbow walked towards the rest of our friends.

I went to follow Rainbow, but I noticed that Gilda stayed behind. I turned to see what the problem was, only to see her glaring at Pinkie. It seemed to me that she was warning Pinkie, while Pinkie was just smiling away like usual. Whatever was going on, it couldn't be that bad if Pinkie was smiling.

As if to prove that nothing was wrong, Pinkie raised her voice for an announcement. "Everyone, I'd like you all to meet Gilda, a long-time, dear friend of Rainbow Dash. Let's honor her and welcome her to Ponyville."

The ponies cheered in response, and went back to partying. I had to say, they were all dedicated to this party. Pinkie offered the bowl of candy to Gilda, who initially reacted favorably upon noticing that they were "vanilla lemon drops". I think that sounds nasty, but I was going to reserve my judgement. Well, I was until Gilda breathed fire. I was unfamiliar with that particular griffin ability. Well, I thought it was a griffin thing, until she ran over to the punch bowl to rigorously quench her thirst. Unfortunately for her, she picked up the dribble glass that I tried using earlier. Laughter filled the room as she finally decided to dunk her head into the punch-bowl.

Pinkie giggled. "Well, whaddya know, pepper in the vanilla lemon drops, and the punch served in a dribble glass." Ah, I get it now. Interesting how she chained those pranks together, like that.

Gilda glared at Pinkie for a moment, but Rainbow called her attention to a pile of gifts meant for her. I was ashamed to admit that I only realized at that moment those presents were there. They weren't even hidden, they were sitting there all gaudy and attention-grabbing. I instantly felt better about myself when Gilda tried to open a can, only for a bunch of snakes to jump in her face.

With as fast as Gilda was tripping into these pranks, this party was escalating quickly. Gilda was quickly losing interest in the various party activities, but I couldn't blame her. After that pepper, the dribble glass, and the snakes, this was one unlucky party. Gilda looked like she was about to lose it, but Pinkie said something that cooled her down. She announced "Cake Time".

Spike was the most eager out of all of us. "Can I blow out the candles?"

I gave him a one-armed shrug. "That's up to Gilda, since she's the guest of honor."

Gilda roughly elbowed Spike in his face, sending him to the floor. "No way, twerp. They're mine."

I looked down at Spike (who was fine, despite the blow), then glared up at Gilda. "Hey, you just hit my brother."

Gilda turned to me with disinterest. "Whatever, he was in my way."

My glare intensified. "Hey, bitch-twister. I said that you hit my brother."

She returned my glare. "So what? He's fine!"

"That doesn't matter, you don't just hit people for no reason!"

"Oh yeah? Why not?"

I groaned. "Isn't it obvious? Because it's not nice!"

Gilda fake-whined at me. "It's not nice. You sound like a total dweeb."

I grimaced. "Okay, that's it! Time to adopt my old pacifism-is-for-pussies approach. You'd better apologize before I kick your ass!"

Gilda was about to retort, but Rainbow got between us and silenced her. "Whoa whoa, let's calm down! I don't want my friends to start fighting."

"She started it." Gilda said.

"Fuck you." I spat.

"Hey, calm down." Rainbow said, trying to console me. She turned to Gilda. "Look, G, hitting ponies is not cool. I think you should apologize."

"No way, she said some gnarly things to me, and I'm not about to say that I'm sorry." Gilda declared.

"Well, if you say you're sorry, then I'll say I'm sorry. How about that?" I proposed.

"You first."

"Not unless you want a splintered broom-stick up your ass, I won't."

"Geez Twilight, chill!" Rainbow nearly yelled. "Just for that, I think you should apologize first."

I groaned. "Okay, for you, Rainbow." I looked up at Gilda, my eyes narrowing slightly. "I'm sorry I said rude things to you."

Rainbow nodded and turned to Gilda. "How about you, Gilda?"

Gilda glared at me. "I said I wasn't going to apologize, and I won't."

Rainbow wasn't very happy about that. "Gilda, I want you to apologize."

Gilda leveled her glare on Rainbow, now. "Why? She shouldn't get my apology!"

"Because she's my friend." Rainbow asserted. "And I want you two to get along. So, how about it?"

Gilda glared at me, and looked back at Rainbow. "No. No way. You can't ask me that."

"Why not? I mean, you did hit Spike. You should apologize."

Gilda growled. "Fine. I'm sorry." That sounded even less believable than my apology.

Rainbow nodded, not noticing that Gilda was anything but sorry. "There. No more fighting, alright?"

Gilda and I both agreed to a temporary ceasefire. That didn't keep us from glaring daggers at each other. "You'd better blow out those candles." I said, reminding her of the cake. "I know how much you like to blow."

Gilda's expression was lethal, but she let it go since Rainbow was still there. I was just glad that Rainbow didn't catch on to my insult. She blew out the candles, which was a bittersweet action for her at the time. After all, I was chuckling at her lack of resistance, and I can only imagine it was irritating. Even worse was when the candles just lit back up. I, of course, laughed my ass off. Gilda got flustered, trying time and again to blow out the candles. Everyone else joined in on my laughter (which became mocking by then).

Gilda roared, silencing everyone. "That's it! I've had enough of this lame-ass party!" I was practically giddy, since I was a definite factor in making her pick up swearing. Gilda aggressively pulled Pinkie by the mane, and held her face to face. "YOU! You set up all those pranks for me!" It looked like Gilda had lost it. She raised a talon to the air.

I punched her in the face. The surprise of the blow sent her tumbling on the floor, allowing Pinkie to escape the hold. The room went deathly silent. "Keep your whore talons off my friends, chicken strips." I growled.

Gilda growled in response, and she leaped at me. She tackled me, trying to scratch me with her talons, but I held them back with my hooves. I pushed as hard as I could, but my frail body was no match for a griffin's strength. Her talons were just centimeters away, and I had to do something to prevent them from connecting. So I headbutt her. Sure, it gave me a headache, but it disoriented Gilda, allowing me to throw her off and stand back up.

It was such a shame that I hadn't memorized the Sleep spell, yet. This would have been the perfect time for practice. I cleared my head of pain the best I could, giving Gilda the time necessary to get back up and stare me down. She grabbed a chair and threw it at me. I didn't have the time to react, so it smashed into my face, breaking apart. I fell to the floor from the force of the attack, and Gilda took this chance to leap at me once more. However, before she could reach me, she was intercepted by a rainbow blur.

Gilda and Rainbow Dash came to a stop on the floor. "Stop it, Gilda!" Rainbow cried. "Stop fighting!"

"She's asking for it!" Gilda yelled. "Between her and that pink bitch's dumbass pranks, they deserve a thrashing!"

"...Those were my pranks." Rainbow revealed. "Those 'dumbass pranks' were all me."

That stopped Gilda's rage in a heartbeat, replacing it with sheepish excuses. "Heh heh, you're kidding, right? You're pranks would be a lot cooler than that."

I couldn't really tell from were I was getting up, but I would think Rainbow was leveling a glare on Gilda. "You know, I wasn't trying to get you with all the pranks. It was just dumb luck that you hit them all. And you didn't need any help to upset Twilight when you hit Spike like that. Then you threatened Pinkie for my pranks! The one who's asking for it is you!"

Gilda pushed off Rainbow and flared up. "WHAT!? Since when did Rainbow Dash get so lame? I was your best friend since flight camp, and you're taking their side?" Gilda huffed and stomped to the door. "That's it, I'm leaving. When you're done being a... filp-flop, give me a call." With that, she flew away.

Rainbow shook her head, and turned to me. "Are you okay?"

"Hmph. If I had another minute, I would have had her on the ropes." I boasted. Rainbow smiled slightly, obviously torn on what happened. I sighed and put a hoof on her shoulder. "Look, I'm sorry I picked a fight with your friend."

"Nah, it's okay. She was being a feather-brain."

"Yeah, what a party-pooper." Spike agreed.

I grunted. "I feel there is a difference between being a party-pooper, and being a total bitch."

"Language." Rarity chided.

I sighed. "Sorry." I turned to Pinkie. "Turns out you were right. Gilda was bad news."

"I knew it! No one destroys my pedal-chopper unless they're a serious grump!" She smiled.

Wait, Gilda destroyed a what? Before I could get an answer, Rainbow spoke. "Sorry about that, Pinkie. I just didn't expect her to be that way."

"That's okay." Pinkie said. "If you want to hang out with grumps, that's your business."

Rainbow gave her a warm smile. "I'd rather hang out with you."

The two shook on it, but they got each other with buzzers. They laughed it off alongside everyone else. Considering my cool reaction to what happened, most ponies in the room just forgot about Gilda even being there and decided to continue the party. They just danced and played without any regard for the earlier conflict.

Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie all asked to make sure I was okay (since I had a bruise on my face). I waved away their worries with a "this will look cool later", and they left it at that. Spike however, was clearly more worried than they were. "Hey Twilight, about that fight. Did you really have to fight her over me?"

I smiled and pat him on the head. "Don't worry yourself over me, Spike. Whether it's some griffin or a giant monster, no one fucks with my friends and family. I'll make sure of that."

Spike was torn between giving me a Look, and being appreciative of my defensiveness. He shook his head and hugged me in thanks. I returned the hug with one arm, and we continued with the party as if nothing had happened. I was glad that no one was letting that fight keep them down.

Strange, I could have sworn that Fluttershy was here earlier...

Rage Issues of an Aspiring Dragon Slayer

About a week passed since that chair hit my face. For a while there, Spike was still a little upset about me getting a bruise, but I always tried brushing off his concern. Soon enough, we got got back to business as usual, and I finally memorized the Sleep spell. I was relatively glad that I had done so, and it was about time. While I was at it, I managed to get a basic Energy Bolt spell. Non-lethal, and hits like a brick? Sold.

When I wasn't poring over various magic texts, I was settling down with some of Spike's comics. It took him a little while to get used to me reading comics as often as I did, but he was soon playing live and let live about it. Though sometimes, he starts talking to me about them. Which brings me to the conversation we were having about the most important of important things.

"I'm telling you, Zapp totally has a thing for Mistress Mare-velous!" I was, of course, talking about the Power Ponies. In particular, we were discussing the possibility of romantic interest among the team.

"That's ridiculous." Spike dismissed. "Why would Zapp, of all ponies, be into Mistress Mare-velous?"

"Mare-velous is strong, athletic, and good with rope. Of course Zapp would be attracted to her."

"Okay, but what makes you think she has feelings for her? It's not like they ever talk about it."

I took out the fifth issue of the Power Ponies weekly comics and opened it to a particular page. "Look right here." I pointed at a picture of Mare-velous hugging Zapp in gratitude for saving her from some kind of trap. "Look at Zapp's cheeks. She's blushing."

"That doesn't really mean anything. She's smiling too, so it could just be her cheeks reddening from her smile."

I shook my my head. "No way. Look at the next panel. She's staring at Mare-velous with that dreamy look, how can that not be infatuation?"

Spike leaned forward, squinting hard at the picture. "Huh. Okay, that's a little strange. I didn't notice that before."

I nodded my head, affirming my theory. "Told ya there was romance in those comics. While we're at it, I think Radiance and Saddle Rager might have something going on."

Spike frowned at me. "What? That's crazy, Humdrum has a crush on Radiance! It's only recognized as a major aspect of Humdrum's character, so why would they establish his crush only for it to go unfulfilled?"

I shrug. "It opens the story up for some drama later. I can think of plenty of ways they can have Humdrum realize his crush was for nothing. He could start running as a solo hero, he could turn evil, he could let it go; we can go anywhere with this unrequited love."

"That's just sad, though, even for Humdrum. What do you think he'll do if his crush is unrequited?"

"Personally, I favor the Evil Option. I mean, have you seen some of the looks he gets from the Mane-iac? I think they have the potential for an evil super-duo similar to The Joker and Harley Quinn."

"The Joker and Harley Quinn? Who are they?"

Augh! Did I seriously just slip again? Okay, just play it cool. "Nobody. They're just characters from another comic I read once."

"Which comic?"

"I can't remember."

Spike gave me a disappointed look. "Really? You forgot something you read? That's a first for you, Twilight."

I was about to make a snarky remark, but a knock came at the door. I groaned not only at the knocking at the door (to a library take the hint) but at the interruption to our intellectual conversation. And so the interruptions begin.

I opened the door to find a smiling Rarity with saddlebags, unsurprisingly. I almost forgot she was coming by everyday to convince me to wear some makeup and hide my "unsightly" bruise. "Hi, Rarity. Come on in." I stepped aside to allow her access, and I turned to Spike with a grin that was almost sinister. "Check it out, Spike. Rarity came over for a visit! We were just talking about love, isn't that right?"

To my great amusement, Spike blushed. I found out pretty soon after Rarity's daily visits began that dragons could blush, and I was finding any excuse I could to make it happen. It never got old. Spike got flustered, and stammered a "H-hi."

Rarity came in with a happy greeting of her own. "So Twilight, I was thinking you could try one of these exquisite lavender makeup kits. Look, it even comes with matching mascara!" She levitated one of the kits out of her saddlebags to present it to me.

I rolled my eyes at the offer of feminine beauty products. "Rarity, I've told you for the past six days that I have no interest in makeup."

"Please? I just can't stop thinking about that brutish mark that foul avian left on your face!"

"No thanks. I like it, it makes me look tough."

"No offense to you, darling, but it looks horrid. I can't let something get in the way of my friends' inner beauty!"

"No offense to your fashion sense, but my inner beauty has more to do with swords and maces. And rings of fire. And other guy things."

Rarity looked bemused. "You do realize that you're a mare, right?"

I groaned again. "Yeah, I get that a lot."

Spike burped loudly and the room was filled with a bright green light. I spun to face Spike who caught a scroll out of the air from a cloud of smoke. "Got a letter from the princess for you, Twilight!" He announced like nothing strange happened.

"Did you just belch a scroll?" I asked.

"Yeah, here you go." He tossed it at me, and I caught it with my hoof. I glanced between it and Spike, wondering if I should be asking more questions about this. I decided against it. I swear, something is going to happen one day that is weird even by Ponyville standards, and I'm going to think nothing of it. I unrolled the scroll to read it.

Dear Twilight, it began.

By now, you may have noticed that column of smoke on the horizon. Smoke? What smoke? I walked over to the window and peeked outside. Instantly, I saw the column of smoke in the letter. Damn, that thing looks ominous. What is it? I continued through the letter.

Have no fear, for it is not a wild fire that will engulf Ponyville. It is merely a dragon sleeping in a nearby mountain cave.

"'Merely a dragon!?'" I yelled in disbelief, startling the other two in the room. "Well what a fucking relief! I can sleep better tonight knowing that there's a dragon filling the sky with choking smoke!"

Spike shifted uncomfortably while I continued reading. However, its snoring is filling the skies of Equestria, and I fear the long-term damage this may cause. I task you and your friends with this important mission: Persuade the dragon to take his nap elsewhere. I am counting on you.

I threw the scroll onto the floor. "Fuck!"

This second outburst startled them again. "What seems to be the problem?" Rarity tentatively asked.

I shook my head angrily. "Oh nothing. It's just that you, me, and the rest of our friends have to scale a mountain and ask a dragon to take a hike, that's all."

Rarity gasped. "Oh my! That seems to be a monumental task for us! Why can't Celestia have the royal guard do this?"

I made an exaggerated shrug. "I dunno. She just up and left us with the job, so it falls on us to save Equestria again. You know, the usual thing."

"Hmm, I suppose this should be easier than dealing with Nightmare Moon. All we have to do is convince him to leave, right?"

I shrugged again. "I guess. I mean, we could bribe him into leaving, and that would make things a lot easier."

Spike looked uncertain about this plan. "Bribery? I dunno, that sounds shady."

I glared offended at Spike. "Hey, I'll have you know that bribery is a legitimate diplomatic strategy!"

Spike held up his hands, trying to defuse the situation. "Okay, fine. What are you going to give him?"

I pondered this. What would a gargantuan, man-eating, sapient greed machine want? I instantly thought of jewelry. Dragons liked shiny stuff, right? "I got it. We'll give him loads of money and jewels. With such an offering, he'll do exactly as we ask."

"Well personally, I'd rather try flattery, but we can do it your way." Rarity conceded. "You go tell our friends what's happening, and I'll go get ready."

We nodded in agreement and went our separate ways.

I found the others near town hall, and told them what was happening. Since we were the ones who had to deal with the dragon, I asked them to get supplies and be ready at the base of the mountain. They all agreed to go on another adventure with me (with the possible exception of Fluttershy, it's always hard to tell with her). We split up and I returned to the library. With a little help from Spike, I gathered everything I would need: one saddlebag filled with mountain climbing gear including a grappling hook (that we have for unknown reasons), the other saddlebag filled with bits and extra gems, and a sandwich for if I get hungry.

We met up near the mountain, each member of my party wearing saddlebags with the exception of the pegasi. Made sense, since they would need their wings to fly. With all of us gathered, I would explain what my plan was. "Alright girls, here's the plan. We're just going to go up this mountain to the cave with smoke coming out of it. There's a dragon in there, so we'll need to convince him to go somewhere else. I'm going to try bribing him with valuables, but we might need to have some backup plans if my offering is insufficient. And this time, I think we should avoid fighting."

"Yeah, that's gotta be a change of pace for you!" Rainbow snarked. I shook my head with a chuckle.

Applejack looked up to the top of the mountain. "It looks mighty chilly up there."

"Good thing I brought my scarf." Rarity pulled out a striped pink scarf and wrapped it around herself. Pinkie stared at the scarf in awe. What can I say? It was pink. It wasn't my kind of thing.

Rainbow, ever the heckler, joked about the scarf. "Yeah, that'll keep nice and cozy."

Trying to get everyone on track, I spoke up. "We should get going. We're not in any hurry, but the sooner we do this the better."

Someone was mumbling something, but I ignored it. If it was important, they would have spoken up. I waved for everyone to follow me, and we were on our way. Rainbow hovered next to me and whispered into my ear. "Do you think it's a good idea to bring Fluttershy along? She's scared of her own shadow."

"Think of her as a last resort." I said. "I saw her tame a manticore. A dragon shouldn't be too much trouble for her."

"If you say so."

We walked casually along the path to the mountain. Rainbow suggested we scale the side of it, but I said "fuck that" with a little chiding from Rarity. There was a convenient path leading further up the mountain, and why wouldn't we use that? Always take the easy way forward.

So we traveled further up the mountain along the long, winding path. Rainbow was getting impatient, since she could have just flown straight to the top, but we managed to convince her to stick with us. As an incentive to stick around, we made light conversation. We didn't talk about much, really. Goofy stories, celebrity gossip, failed attempts at making tabletop roleplaying games, stuff like that. Though, Rainbow was particularly obsessed with the Wonderbolts. I wonder if that's going to be a problem. This would have been fine, if it weren't for the dragon's snoring always interrupting me. Always me, never someone else. I think this dragon hates me, and we haven't even met.

At the end of the path, there was a small gap between two different portions of the mountain. It wasn't that big, but it was narrow enough that we had to go one at a time. The girls and I didn't really think about it too much, but when I looked back, I found Fluttershy cowering from the gap. "Fluttershy, what's the hold up? It's your turn to jump!"

"But it's so wide! And we're up so high!"

I facehoofed for the first time that day. "Oh my God." I looked up at Rainbow. "Is it even possible for a pegasus to get acrophobia?"

"Isn't that the one with spiders?"

"No, that's arachnophobia. Acrophobia is the fear of heights."

"...You're making that up."

I shook my head in frustration. "Ugh, this is such bullshit." I grabbed Fluttershy in my levitation and carried her over. She thrashed about in fear, but I kept my straining focus on getting her across. Finally, I set her down across the gap and released my magic. "Problem solved. Let's continue."

I got some funny looks from my friends, but I shrugged it off. We were making progress, weren't we? We carried on, but I failed to realize how shaken Fluttershy was.

"...and I said 'oatmeal? Are you crazy?'" Pinkie giggled at her anecdote, while the others visibly suppressed groans.

I was the only one to voice some kind of opinion about it. "It's interesting how often you get to use that phrase in your life." I commented with deadpan sarcasm.

"I know, isn't it just the greatest?" Naturally, Pinkie missed my sarcasm by a mile.

"Are we almost there, yet? I'm falling asleep over here." Rainbow complained.

"Sorry Rainbow, but you know as well as I that traveling is the worst part of any adventure." I said.

"Ugh. I just wish something exciting happened." She pouted.

There was a cracking noise above us. We all looked up where we heard the noise, and we couldn't help but notice that there were an awful lot of cracks in the cliff face. "Uh, Twi? Is this an avalanche zone?" Applejack asked.

"Uh, is it?"

Applejack shot me a panicked glare. "Did ya forget to bring a map of this here mountain?"

I returned the glare, adding confusion to the mix. "Wait, we map mountains, now?"

"Girls, please!" Rarity whisper-shouted, interrupting us. "Keep it down! We wouldn't want our voices to start an avalanche on us, now would we?"

I chuckled. "Aw, don't worry about it. None of us have voices loud enough to start an avalanche. That's just a myth." A loud snore from the dragon tore through the mountain, causing a few loose rocks to tumble down. "Though we stand to benefit greatly by moving quickly. Let's hurry." I added nervously.

Just as we picked up the pace, one rock too many fell out of place, and an avalanche started for real. The mountainside rumbled with falling stones and boulders, and we broke into gallops to get out there as soon as possible. We each jumped out of the way of boulders crashing down, trying without avail to escape the area of effect. I was in a bit of a panic, myself. I narrowly avoided one boulder after another, but I soon found myself trapped in place with a boulder falling right for me. In a panic, I grabbed the boulder in my levitation and directed it towards one of the boulders around me. Fortunately, both boulders smashed into pieces, pelting me with the rock fragments, and I took that opportunity to run away from a boulder that nearly crushed me.

With what remained of my luck, I just escaped the avalanche and found my friends waiting for me. The avalanche died down, but our path was covered in rocks. We all took a moment to catch out breath. "Everyone okay?" I asked.

Rarity gasped at me. "Twilight! You've been cut!"

When Rarity said that, I noticed that my forehead stung. I brushed my hoof on my head and felt a slight dampness there. I brought back my hoof to see it was slightly red. I was certainly in no danger, as the bleeding was no worse than cutting oneself on accident when shaving. This would also make for a cool story to tell folks back in town, but the fact remains that I got hurt (in a body that I don't own) because of a dragon's negligence. I glared up where I supposed the dragon was. I swear, if dragons didn't scare the piss outta me...

"Um, Twilight?"

Rarity's voice brought me out of my revenge fantasy. "Oh, sorry about that. I'll be fine. Let's just get rid of this dragon, already."

We climbed over the rubble, with Fluttershy in the back. When we peaked over the other side of the rubble, Fluttershy slipped and slid into the rest of us. I groaned. I couldn't wait until this adventure was over with.

Finally, we arrived at the cavern entrance from where the smoke was emerging. I couldn't say I was glad, because I just wanted the dragon to leave, already. Too bad that I was the one who had to do something about it. We were doing alright, and spirits were relatively high among my friends. All things considered, we could be doing worse.

I looked into the cave, but it was too dark to see anything inside. There was no doubt that the dragon was inside, but I couldn't see him from here. "Well, the bastard's got to be in here."

"Language." Rarity chided.

"Nuh uh, that son of a bitch cut my face. I apologize for nothing." I growled. Rarity and the others recoiled from my growling rage. "Let's just get this over with. Fluttershy, I think I'm gonna need your help."

Fluttershy squeaked in surprise. "M-me?"

"Yeah. You have an uncanny ability to reason with unreasonably dangerous monsters. I think you have the best shot at calming down a waking dragon."

"Uhm, I... I'm not going."

I turned to Fluttershy in shock. "What do you mean you're not going? The whole reason we came up here was to confront this dragon about his snoring!"

Fluttershy shrunk back from my yelling. "I'm scared."

I stared at Fluttershy, letting the news sink in. You've got to be kidding. "But you've calmed down a manticore. Calming dangerous creatures is what you do."

"Not dragons! They're big, they have big teeth, and sharp scales, and big horns, and can eat a whole pony in one bite!" Fluttershy dropped to the ground and began shivering in fear, just thinking about it.

I stared perplexed at the quivering mare. "If you're so scared of dragons, then why did you want to come along?"

"I didn't. I was too scared to speak up."

The others groaned at that, but her statement confused me. As scared of the dragon as she is, something scared her into silence earlier. I sat in front of her, which startled her. "Fluttershy, why were you scared? It couldn't have been the dragon itself, since it was so far away. So what kept you from speaking up?"

Fluttershy stared at the ground, contemplating on her answer, while I silently waited for her answer. "...You did."

I leaned forward, sure that I heard her incorrectly. "I'm sorry? Did you just say that I scared you?"

Fluttershy meekly nodded. "You're scary. You were so mean to that poor manticore in the forest and you're almost always angry at something. You yell a lot, and get into fights. I think you have more in common with Gilda than any of us."

I took it all in with a mix of shock and confusion. Fluttershy's mention of the manticore as "poor" aside, I had no idea that I was doing so much to intimidate her. So much so, that she was comparing me to Gilda, of all people. While I wanted to correct her on that point, I knew that wouldn't be doing me any favors. Fluttershy was distressed, and I needed to do something about. After all, I was the reason for her distress. "Do you really think I'm that bad?"

Fluttershy nodded, still avoiding eye contact.

I sighed. I put a reassuring hoof on her shoulder, and she initially tried to back away. She stopped, though, when she noticed how remorseful I looked. "Fluttershy, I don't mean to scare you. I'll be the first to admit that I have some anger issues. Hell, I've gotten into trouble because of it, many times. I come across as very aggressive, and I realize that, but I didn't realize that it was pushing away one of my friends. I'm sorry, Fluttershy. I want us to get along, but I know that I can't let my temper get the better of me if we are to continue being friends." Fluttershy looked up at me, and for the first time since we met, she looked into my eyes. "If I promise to control myself, will you give me another chance to show that I can be a friend you want?"

Fluttershy stared into my eyes for what seemed like a long time, before she gave me a little smile. "Okay." She said in what could almost charitably be called a normal speaking voice. "If you say you want to be my friend, then that's good enough for me."

We stood up, and I smiled back at her. "So, are we good?" She nodded in response. "Good. From now on, please speak up when you have a concern. I don't want to ask anything of you that you're not comfortable with, okay?"

"Okay. If I have any problems, I'll talk to you."

I nodded in affirmation, and smiled. "Good. I'm glad we had this talk." I turned back to the dragon's cave. "It's time we convinced this dragon to sleep somewhere else. What do you say, Fluttershy? Do you want to come inside with me, and speak with it?"

Fluttershy shrank back, but much less than last time. "Um, sorry, but I'd rather not. I'm still scared."

"I understand. I'll be right back, hopefully with news of my success." With that, I stepped into the darkness of the dragon's lair.

My eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I could see within the cave. Smoke constricted my view, but it did nothing to keep me from seeing the massive pile of treasure. This hoard was excessive, I mean damn. Dunes of gold coins filled the chamber with their brilliance, jewelry sparkled enticingly, and I swore there were more treasure chests than there were ponies! There was even a glowing sword sticking out of the hoard! It took every ounce of self control I had to resist the urge to grab some of it. Surely the dragon wouldn't miss just one treasure chest filled with gold and jewelry, right? Wait, no, stop! Focus! I had to get rid of the dragon first.

Loot then, right?

Speaking of the mighty beast, the dragon itself was lounging upon the bulk of his hoard. Fluttershy undersold just how big this guy was. Even when sleeping and reclining, he still towered over me. His head was taller than I was, and that was disregarding the rest of him. The dragon lazily scratched his belly with its massive red claws, and placed it back on its resting place. Though with the sheer size and strength of the beast, it released a shockwave the nearly sent me to the floor. I regained my balance and got closer to the dragon, suddenly wary of how insignificant I really was.

"Uh, excuse me." I yelled over his snoring. The dragon stirred and grouchily glared at me with piercing yellow eyes. I shivered from the intimidating stare of his massive eyes. "Sorry to wake you, but your snoring is covering Equestria in smoke. More power to you for taking a nap, but we only ask that you do it where your smoke won't damage Equestria's ecosystem." I poured out the saddlebag filled with money onto the floor in front of me. "In exchange for you finding a new place to rest, I offer this modest pile of gold, composed of three hundred pieces."

The dragon looked over the bits, and dragged it over to him with one of his massive claws. I took this a good sign, especially so when he stretched. But then he plopped right back down on his hoard and blew at me. The breath threw me across the chamber, and I tumbled out of the cave. My friends approached me. "So, is he leaving now?" Rainbow asked.

I looked back into the cave, and saw the dragion smirking before my eyes readjusted to the light. It was that day I learned that rage was stronger than fear. "That son of a bitch! He took my money!" I jumped up from my landing spot and stomped towards the dragon's lair.

My friends held me back, rightfully fearing my safety. "Calm down, Twilight. There ain't no use fightin' a critter that big!" Applejack warned, trying her best to defuse my explosive rage.

"Fuck that, I know dragons can be killed! I'm going to slay him, rip off his head, stuff it, and mount it in town hall so that future generations will know WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO FUCK WITH ME!"

Fluttershy instantly retreated from me, choosing to hide behind a rock. Applejack got into my face. "Calm down." She commanded.

"But he took my money!"

"Ah know, but you have to control yerself. Ain't this the kind of thing you said you would keep under control? Yer scarin' Fluttershy again."

My face face contorted with frustration, and I blew out a hefty sigh. "Fine, I'll just let off some steam out here. Good luck with the dragon."

The others let me go, and true to my word, I stayed out of the cave. I paced back and forth along the wall, letting my frustrations out in a more productive way than fighting a titanic red monstrosity.

I wasn't paying much attention to what everyone else was doing. I think Rarity went in next, trying to charm the dragon. That failed, since she was trying to get to his treasure. Pinkie went in after her, but that failed even faster. Rainbow was next, but this time things went even worse. Rainbow was flung out of the cave, colliding with the others. Now it was personal. This asshole was attacking my friends, so it was time to skin this lizard.

I knew I had little means to fight the dragon, but I did remember seeing a sword in the cave. I ran into the cave, bypassing the dragon who was chasing after my friends. I got to the sword, but I needed my hooves to run. With no other option, I grabbed it with my magic, and ran back to the dragon. The others were huddled together in fear, while the dragon loomed over them. Using a rock as a platform, I took a mighty leap, and let loose a heroic battlecry of "DRAG-ON SLAY-ER!" as I grabbed ahold of the glowing blade with my hooves, turning it over to stab into the beast.

Sure, I hit the dragon. The sword even cut into the scales like butter. However, I failed to consider that the dragon's scales were thicker than the blade's length, so it did no damage. Even if the sword breached its skin, that leaves me with giving it a paper cut on the only part of its body I could reach: its ass.

So I stabbed into the scales of the dragon's ass-cheek, and the sword got stuck. I hung there by the hilt of the sword, feeling rather embarrassed. The dragon peered at me looking unamused. I also learned that day that dragons had prehensile tails, which he used to flick me into another rock. It was such a powerful blow, that the rock I collided with split in half. It was rather fortunate that the rock was there, as I would have been flung off the mountain otherwise.

Behind that very rock was my timid friend, Fluttershy. I couldn't immediately tell, since I was writhing in pain with my eyes shut, but Fluttershy was pissed. She flew right up to the dragon and chewed him out for what felt like ten minutes (because of my pain or not is up for debate). I wasn't really paying attention, not after that awesome blow I took, but I caught a few words. She called him a bully, she extracted an apology, and she even reduced the fucker to tears! If I wasn't moaning like a zombie, I would have been laughing.

Fluttershy sure sent him packing. He flew off to find a better place to sleep, and we finally completed our mission. Fluttershy came over to make sure I was okay, and we got ready to head back home. But before we left, I noticed a sword sticking out of the ground. It was the glowing sword that I used earlier! You know I took that with me. That dragon stole my money, but I stole his awesome sword.

Applejack was nice enough to support me as we made our way home.

Along the way to Ponyville, I limbered up enough to walk myself. Arriving back in town was a huge relief to us. Pegasi from around town cleared up whatever smoke still remained, and everything was back to normal.

We went back to the library, where I hung my new sword on the wall in the bedroom. Spike was relieved that he no longer had to look after some annoying as fuck rabbit, and even more so when he saw me return. Fluttershy was still with us, which was the perfect opportunity for me to talk to her.

"Thanks again for everything you've done, Fluttershy." I said.

"You're welcome. I'll gladly be brave for my friends." We smiled at each other. It was good to hear that she acknowledged me as her friend.

"So I guess you learned something for your friendship reports, huh Twilight?" Spike asked.

I looked over at Spike with confusion. "My what?"

"Your friendship reports. You know, the ones you have to send to Princess Celestia about what you learn of friendship?"

I scoured my mind for any reference to when I might have first heard about them. I just then realized that I was supposed to be writing those since I first moved to Ponyville.

"Oh shit!" I ran upstairs to begin writing, leaving Spike and Fluttershy to their bewilderment.

How Friendship Leads To Polka

Dear Princess Celestia,

We have successfully persuaded the dragon to relocate. In particular, Fluttershy's efforts were the greatest, as it was her who finally convinced the dragon to leave.

In addition, I would like to make a report on friendship. I've recently learned that a good friend can help you find courage you might need for the trials ahead. Seeing a friend in trouble can give even the most timid of people the motivation to do something daring. I know this, because I saw Fluttershy of all ponies stare down a dragon. Yeah, negotiations went sour there for a little while, but it all turned out okay. Fluttershy really saved the day.

Your Student,

Twilight Sparkle

Whew, that was over with. Now I just had to send this bitch and I'm all set! That just left me with the problem of how I get this to the princess. Do I send it through the mail? I have my doubts that Celestia would open up a letter from the post office, even if my "name" was on it, and going in person sounded like a pain in the ass.

Wait, Spike should know this! He's lived with Twilight for a while, and he would know how Twilight sends letters to her teacher! I placed the letter in an envelope, sealed it, and went downstairs to find Spike and Fluttershy talking amicably. "Hey Spike, how do we usually send mail to the princess?"

"Oh, I got it!" Spike hopped from his seat and grabbed the letter. I didn't understand why he just stood there breathing in like that, until he breathed out, setting the letter on fire.

The smoke cleared outside the library almost immediately, but I was just staring where the letter used to be in aggravated silence. "Dick move, man. Dick move."

"Huh? What's wrong?"

I quaked with frustration. "You don't know? You just incinerated my report, you Easy-Bake Dick!"

Spike shrunk back in fear, intimidated by my sudden anger. I continued waving my arms around in an angry fashion, ranting. "Now I have to write another one! And you know that the second draft is never as good as the first. Thanks a lot."

Spike stepped back helplessly, staring up at me with fearful confusion. Fluttershy, sensing how scared Spike was at me, flew over and held my shoulders to ease my tension. "Now now, Twilight. You know that yelling at poor Spike won't fix anything."

"He burned my report," I grumbled, crossing my arms childishly. I don't know how, but Fluttershy was bringing out my inner child.

Spike belched. That wouldn't have bothered me as much as it did, had something not pelted me in the face. I shot him an angry look, and looked down at the mystery object that hit me. It was a scroll. Curiously, I picked it up in my hooves and opened it.

Dear Twilight Sparkle, My Most Faithful Student,

I am relieved to hear that everything was resolved peacefully. I hope he didn't give you too much trouble.

I am also pleased to see that you are becoming far more casual with your letters now that you are learning about friendship. Remember that not everything you learn can be found in books. Follow your heart, and you will continue to learn of the most valuable magic of all.

Your proud teacher,

Princess Celestia.

PS: I've decided to come visit next week to personally thank you and your friends for assisting Equestria once more in its time of need. Please don't go overboard in preparing for my arrival.

I held the letter away in bewilderment. "What the hell? She's acting like she got my report, but how did she get it?"

Spike held up a hand with uncertainty. "W-well, my fire breath is magic, so it can send letters to the princess."

Then it hit me. Spike's burping was able to retrieve letters, why wouldn't he be able to send them, too? "Ohhhhhh." I said, unconvincingly exaggerated. "I forgot you could do that."

Fluttershy hugged Spike enthusiastically. "Oh my goodness, that's so amazing! I didn't know your fire could send letters!" Spike blushed at the praise, looking quite embarrassed.

She dropped the hug soon enough, at which point I broke in. "Hey Fluttershy, could you go tell the girls that Princess Celestia will be coming next week? I don't want them freaking out over a 'surprise' visit that was scheduled a week beforehand."

Fluttershy looked questioningly at me. "'Beforehand'? Don't you mean 'beforehoof'?"

I trailed a hoof down my face. "Nevermind my poor vocabulary. Would you mind telling the girls about Princess Celestia?" Fluttershy nodded, and flew out the door. I personally hoped she would be using her outdoor voice; she would need it.

That left Spike and I alone in the room. "Anyway, I wanted to apologize to you, Spike. I shouldn't have yelled at you. Or insulted you. I'm sorry."

Spike looked back up at me, clearly torn. "How did you forget about my fire breath? We use it to send letters to the princess all the time."

Luckily, I had an excuse. "I guess I hit my head on that rock. Anyway, I'm going to make it up to you. I know you like eating gems, so how about I get some for you?"

Spike smiled. "I'd like that."

I nodded. "Very well. So where do you keep finding those gems, anyway? You always seem to have some, but I never found out how you got them."

"Oh, I just dig for them. There are plenty of them in the backyard."

I stared incredulously. Did he seriously expect me to believe that? More than likely, he was just trying to get me to bust my ass on something pointless just so he could laugh at me later. Then again, with how weird Equestria was, that just might be how you find gems. Would I take my chances and start digging, or should I just go buy some? Wait, gems are expensive, so fuck that.

"Alright, I'll go get a shovel."

I dug around the backyard for a little while. After a couple of minutes of digging by hoof, I was beginning to think that this was an exercise in futility. Of course, the moment I thought that was exactly the moment that I found a load of gems. Spike wasn't kidding about how easy it was to find gems. Maybe I should smuggle a bunch of these back home so I could make a shit-load of money. Spike was happy about the gems I found though, so things quickly went back to normal.

Over the course of digging for these gems, I came to the realization that I really needed to hit the gym. My skinny legs were weak after the first three minutes of digging, and that's not even including the next ten. I decided to build up my strength, since I needed to use it so often.

The local gym was an interesting place. For the most part, it was exactly as you would expect. Ponies, mostly stallions, were lifting weights around the room, some were on treadmills, and others were stretching. There was all kinds of equipment that I knew nothing about, and that's not just because I was fitness illiterate, if that's even a thing. It wasn't until a pegasus used one of the machines that I discovered it was meant for wings, a fact that I found interesting. Every kind of pony had some kind of specialized machine they could use. This place would be perfect for training.

On a side note, I would try to avoid getting as big and muscular as that white pegasus in the center of the room. He was excessively mucular to the point of presumable discomfort, and he kept yelling "YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, FEEL THE BURN!".

The only downside to working out there was the usual problem I have with gyms: I always feel inadequate sitting next to the bulkier guys benching two hundred pounds.

For the next week, I went there every other day. No one ever made a scene with me, which I was thankful for. Unfortunately, I didn't feel like I made much progress. Aside from the boost of energy I felt, nothing got accomplished, yet. I just had to keep going.

I woke up one morning feeling refreshed from the previous day's workout. Thankfully avoiding soreness, I hopped out of bed with a vigor I haven't felt since I was back home. Pinkie was right, I needed to get out more.

Spike and I had a nice breakfast with some toast and jam. What started as a simple morning was broken by a murmuring outside. Curious, Spike and I went outside to find that something happened to the town. It wasn't immediately clear why, but everyone was busy decorating the town for something. Spike and I shared questioning looks, but we shrugged and decided to explore the town. We figured there might have been a festival we hadn't heard about.

It was the strangest thing for me to be watching the entire town scrambling to accomplish something, and I didn't know what it was. Ribbons were wrapped around every tree, ponies were raking their lawns (which needed raking for the last two weeks), and some ponies were lining the pathways with flowers. It seemed like they were trying to make Ponyville look like a utopian fantasy world.

It all made sense when I found the carrot merchant, Golden Harvest, and the town vintner, Berry Punch, hanging up a banner reading "Welcome Princess Celest". Despite good manners, I laughed at the banner. "What happened to the rest of her name?"

Golden Harvest sheepishly kicked the dirt. "We couldn't fit it all in."

I laughed again. "You should leave it like that. I bet Princess Celestia will laugh her ass off when she sees it." Spike and I walked away chuckling, while Golden Harvest decided to redo the banner, in light of my joking.

As I've learned over the course of my stay in Ponyville, when there's a party, consult the premiere party pony. Obviously, the ponies were getting ready for a big celebration in anticipation of Celestia coming by, so who else could give us the inside scoop better than Pinkie Pie?

Spike and I entered Sugarcube Corner, where we were sure to find her. Pinkie wasn't immediately noticeable in the room, so I figured she must be elsewhere. Still, I might as well show good manners with the Cakes, as they were here making what looked like a feast of desserts. "Hey Cake family! How are things?"

Mrs. Cake gave me a strained smile. "Things could be better."

I didn't need to ask what their problem was. I could guess what it was based on the pink pony who just hopped into the room with an entire cake in her mouth. No, I'm serious, the whole fucking cake. She noticed me, and swallowed the cake whole (again, I'm serious). "Heya Twilight! Come to check on preparations like the super-duper preparation pony you are?"

"Actually, I was hoping to ask you about what we're preparing for. Since when did everypony know that the princess was coming?"

Pinkie prodded her chin in thought. "Well, I was baking yesterday and the Cakes asked if I had any plans for the week, and I said that I was going to the library to meet with the princess, so they asked me to repeat myself, and I did, and their eyes went wide, and they ran outside yelling, and then everypony started yelling, and now they have all of Ponyville looking sprucer-iffic!"

Ah, I see. I take it no one bothered to mention the part of the letter that explicitly states not to panic? Am I destined to be the only one in Ponyville who notices details like this?

Mr. Cake pushed a new cake onto the table next to Pinkie. That cake had an even poorer life-expectancy than a spider in an exterminator's office, as Pinkie wolfed it down, covering the table with messy frosting. With Mr. Cake groaning with exasperation, it fell on me to lure Pinkie away. "Uh, you wanna hang out, Pinkie? I think the Cakes have this situation all under control." Mr. Cake smiled thankfully at that.

"Sure! What do you wanna do?" Pinkie chirped.

I didn't think that far ahead, so I did what I do best: stall for time. "That'll be a surprise. Come on, daylight's burning." We turned to walk out of the store, but I stopped to scoop up a little frosting from the messy table to snack on while I thought of something. Spike took after me, and scooped up a big handful.

We ran into Fluttershy on our way out, who was running excitedly. She stopped just short of hitting me, and backed away bashfully. "Hello Twilight." She leaned over to see Pinkie behind me. "Oh, Pinkie! And Spike, too! This is perfect!"

This is the most excited I've ever seen Fluttershy. For one thing, she was standing up straight with her head level with mine. "Perfect for what? You're awfully excited about something."

"You won't believe what I found near the Everfree Forest!" Fluttershy turned her head to coax something into revealing itself. On cue, three tennis balls with wings flew out to greet us. Their wings were reminiscent of flies, and they had large green eyes that were designed to endear.

I hated them immediately.

What? Don't give me that look. These things were obviously pests of some kind! Nothing with the wings of a shit-crawling house fly can possibly be a good thing! That's probably what these things do, too: walk in shit! So excuse me if my first reaction was to start thinking of ways to get rid of them.

Spike, my ever-helpful assistant, voiced his opinion on the pests. "Wow, they look amazing!"

I grew a wicked smile at that. "Well how about that. You want one, Spike? I think they'll make a wonderful snack."

Both Fluttershy and (surprisingly) Spike were shocked. "No, I mean that they are... uh, cute. I was thinking they would make a better pet."

I glared at Spike. "Agh, some carnivore you are." Was it really too much to hope that Fluttershy was offering Spike a treat?

Fluttershy shuffled worriedly looking at me, and turned her attention to Pinkie instead. "What do you think, Pinkie?"

Pinkie stuck her tongue out in disgust. "Ugh, parasprites. Now I gonna find a trombone."

I turned to Pinkie. "A trombone." I repeated, hoping she would elaborate.

"Yeah. You know," She held out her hooves and mimicked playing a trombone. At least, I think she was, since she could have been playing the trumpet for all I knew about music. With that, Pinkie trotted away. That was not the elaboration I wanted.

Fluttershy looked between the "parasprites" as Pinkie called them, and myself. She must have figured it wasn't a good idea to have me around them for too long. "I'll go find Rarity."

When Fluttershy left, one of the parasprites turned and chirped affectionately at me. I raised a hoof for a rude gesture, but I forgot that I don't have a middle finger.

We left for the library, with Spike giving me the all familiar Look. Strange, I have the feeling that I'm going to need a flame-thrower.

No luck on those fire spells. I asked Spike about it, but he only expressed his distaste for "battle magic". All I knew was that most attack spells were restricted, and no books available to the public teach them. Sure, there were books that taught "self-defense spells", but they were limited to how much damage they could do.

So I looked it up, and you'll never believe what I found out. Self-defense spells were designed with a special dweomer sequence that limits power output, making a spell easier to cast, but less effective. While self-defense spells are designed to never be reverse-engineered to remove their limits, it occurs to me that I can make my own spells without those limits! I don't need a book of war spells, I can do it on my own!

Wait, making your own spell takes a lot of time. Screw it, it can wait until tomorrow.

After screwing around with some adventure novels, I slept and woke up the next day. The birds were chirping and the sun was shining on what I hoped would be a great day.

Spike and I were munching on gems and cereal respectively, enjoying a peaceful breakfast. There was more murmuring outside, but we didn't pay attention to it. The ponies of Ponyville were already really excited about Celestia coming by, so I doubted the noise would stop until she's gone. What did get our attention was Pinkie kicking the door open. I swear, if it's not knocking, it's smashing the door open.

"Twilight, it's an emergency!" She yelled.

I pushed aside my cereal and ran out to greet her. "What's wrong?"

"Ponyville is doomed if we can't find it! Where can we find a banjo?"

I couldn't hide a flat look. "Pinkie, finding an instrument is hardly what I would call an emergency."

"B-but what about Ponyville's doom?" She stammered.

"Something tells me that Ponyville will be just fine even if you can't find a banjo."

Pinkie scoffed. "You girls are so stubborn!" She trotted outside.

...Why does this feel familiar? Wasn't there a time when Pinkie stormed into the library with a problem, and I made light of it, and it turned out Pinkie was totally right? Oh yeah, that was just two weeks ago. With Gilda.

Oh shit, I gotta find Pinkie!

I dashed out of my home and looked around for her. She was already gone, so I asked every pony I could if they could direct me to her. Eventually, I was lead to where she was, and I found her in a determined canter, scanning the town for something (though I guessed instruments).

I rushed over next to her. I learned from my mistakes last time I spoke to Pinkie about a problem she didn't helpfully explain. I needed to probe her for information with simple questions. "Alright Pinkie, how will musical instruments save Ponyville?"

Pinkie smiled. "So you're gonna help? Great!"

"Pinkie. Why instruments?"

"Oh. We need them to get rid of the parasprites."

So this has to do with those bugs. Hmm, come to think of it, Pinkie left to find instruments after she saw the parasprites. "Okay, how will instruments help us against the parasprites?"

"Parasprites like music a lot. We just need to play music and lure them away!"

I was impressed by Pinkie's knowledge of our enemy. It's almost like she's dealt with them before. "How do you know all this?"

"Sorry Twilight, but we need to hurry. Parasprites multiply really fast, and we don't have much time!" Pinkie picked up to nearby trash can lids and banged them together. With a disapproving shake of her head, she turned back to me. "Can you go find a tambourine and a a pair of cymbals?"

"Fair enough. I'll get them as fast as I can." I ran off, in search of a music store.

I don't want to bore you with the details, but there turned out to be no such store in Ponyville. Made sense, since Pinkie would have already gotten the instruments she needed if there was. I rushed around for any musician who had an instrument I needed and I bribed them to let me borrow them. What? I said bribery was legit!

As I got the last instrument I needed, the town was swarmed with parasprites. Pinkie wasn't kidding when she said these things multiplied fast, and I really wished I had a flame-thrower. However, that spell wasn't made yet, and Equestrian technology didn't include firearms, so I was stuck with the musical option. I ran to Sugarcube Corner, where I found Pinkie waiting for me.

"Just in time! You got the goods?" She asked.

"Yeah." I tossed her the items in question. "Now we just need ponies to play them."

Pinkie patted me on the shoulder. "Don't worry. I got this." She opened the door to Sugarcube Corner, from which terrified screams emerged. The sound of ponies screaming about the parasprites was muted when the door closed. I looked around town to pass the time, and I realized the full terror of the parasprites.

Not only were they everywhere, but they had a larger appetite than Pinkie! Pies were gobbled up, cakes were stolen, and I felt sorry for the mare wearing the fruit hat. Ponies were scrambling to either evade the beasts or get them away from their food. This was chaos.

The very next moment Pinkie went into the shop, she came back out wearing a one-pony band set-up. "Let's do this." Pinkie blew hard into a harmonica to get the attention of the nearby parasprites. The feeding frenzy around us stopped and their attention fell on Pinkie.

Pinkie began playing a tune that the bugs couldn't help but dance to. They lined up behind Pinkie as she walked outside of town, playing the polka on the way.

Over the course of the music, during which I followed Pinkie to listen to this upbeat tune, the other girls I was familiar with showed up. "How the hay is this workin'?" Applejack asked incredulously.

"I dunno, man. Pinkie just said it was a good idea, and I went with it."

Rainbow dropped right in front of me. "Whoa whoa, wait a minute. You actually listened to what Pinkie Pie said?"

I nodded. "Yes. I made the mistake of ignoring her once before, and I was determined not to repeat myself this time."

"Huh. Pinkie's a dear and all, but usually, her... rambling, makes little to no sense." Rarity commented.

I looked over Pinkie, still playing those instruments like the multitasking champ she is. "I don't think we give her enough credit."

I looked up to see the princess in her chariot. I pointed her out to my friends, and we ran ahead of Pinkie to greet her. As she landed and stepped off the chariot, we bowed. "Twilight Sparkle, my prized pupil." She greeted.

I smiled and waved. "Hello, Princess Celestia. Welcome to Ponyville."

"So lovely to see you again, as well as your friends." She said. She was about to continue speaking, but she noticed Pinkie Pie coming by with a bunch of insects following her. "What's this?"

I looked over at the spectacle, more for show than anything else. "Oh that? Yeah, that's the spontaneous parade on behalf of Pinkie Pie."

Celestia looked over the "parade" with great amusement. "I'm honored that she would think to do this."

"Well, it was either this, or have a food shortage. We took our chances on a one-man band."

Princess Celestia raised an eyebrow at me. "You do realize that Pinkie is a mare, right Twilight?"

As I was in the presence of royalty, I limited my reaction to an eye-twitch. "...Yes, of course."

She stared at me with an unreadable look for a moment, but resumed her speaking. " Unfortunately, this visit is going to have to be cut short. I'm afraid an emergency has come up in Fillydelphia. Apparently there's been some sort of infestation of incredibly bothersome creatures. So sorry for all the trouble."

I waved a hoof dismissively. "No trouble on your part. Things happen."

Princess Celestia was about to board her chariot again, but stopped. "Before I go, would you care to give me your latest report on the magic of friendship in person?"

I thought about it. Did I learn something that I could tell her? As I thought about it, yes, something came to mind. "Actually, I would. I've learned something very early on in my stay in Ponyville, but I didn't realize its significance until now. Everyone has wisdom to share, even those you don't expect." I looked knowingly at Pinkie, who waved excitedly. Wait, where did the parasprites go? "All you have to do is listen, and you never know what you might be able to gain."

Celestia smiled. "Very well put, Twilight. I'm very impressed with you and your friends as well. It sounds like you're all learning so much from each other." She nodded in farewell, and the chariot lifted off.

"So you knew what those critters were all along, huh Pinkie Pie?" Applejack asked.

"Yup. Why else would I be getting all these instruments?"

"Uh, just an FYI, but I'm gonna need the tambourine and the cymbals back." I reminded.

I was seemingly ignored in favor of Pinkie accepting an apology from our friends. I don't know what, but it seems I missed something between them. I wonder what series of events I missed that lead to this.

I was also wondering whether or not I'm getting those instruments back.

Author's Note

I know Zecora was supposed to be introduced by now, but what is fan-fiction without taking a few liberties? I'll get around to her later.

Girl Problems in a Storm

Cue the sound of a thunderclap and cackle with glee, for I have accomplished one of my short term goals! Finally, I've made my first spell!

Sure, progress could have been faster if it weren't for me going to the gym every other day, but still! I now knew how to set things on fire with my mind alone! Truly, this was a glorious day to be me!

Wait, if I'm making my own spells now, does that make me a wizard? Damn it, magic always finds a way to ruin things!

So, I was sulking at the piece of parchment that I had with my list of available spells written on it. So far, three spells, one of which I hadn't completely memorized yet. None of them were what I personally needed, and they were nowhere near as powerful as the spells I would eventually need to cast. How long was I here now? Six weeks? I was getting nowhere fast.

"Are you okay, Twilight?"

Spike's voice nearly startled me, but I calmed myself and smiled at him. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that I'm getting a little frustrated with a personal project of mine."

"Do you need any help?"

While I would like some help, Spike knew Twilight's spellcrafting prowess too well, so I shook my head. "I can handle it." I noticed that Spike had a scroll in his hand. "What's that? Something I need to see?"

Spike puffed himself up, as if he was gathering courage for something. "It's a letter from Princess Celestia. She wants me in Canterlot for royal business." He said a little too confidently.

Let's think about this for a minute. While I was sulking earlier, I wasn't dead to the world. If Spike belched out a scroll, I would have heard that. Believe me, it's a loud process. On another point, why would the princess specifically want Spike's help? And finally, it seems a little too conveniently timed, as there was going to be a comic book convention in Canterlot tomorrow. I looked over the scroll he gave me, and it said that he would be needed until the end of the day tomorrow. Yes, very convenient.

"Huh, I guess you really do have royal business." I said. I smirked tauntingly at Spike. "Though is it for Princess Celestia of Canterlot, or with Queen Ruby from Ultra Pony Force?"

Spike gulped nervously. "C-Celestia, of course."

I laughed. "Sure. You have fun on 'business', you pro."

Spike smiled, though he looked quite relieved to me. "Thanks Twilight. I'll see you later!"

We waved goodbye. Ha! Like I care if he's going to a convention. Whatever, I have the whole house to myself. As soon as the library closes, I'm gonna pick up some of my old living habits. It's been a while since I've slept naked on the couch.

Wait, I've been naked for the past month and a half. Damn it, never mind! I'll just settle with eating ice cream directly from the tub.

I spent the rest of the day looking for another spell I should practice, and I found an interesting one. Since I figured it was time for me to learn a utility spell rather than a combat spell, I flipped through a book on abjurations. The spell that caught my attention was a Lock spell. It was a spell that forced the door to lock itself, complete with a counterspell sequence to basically make it a universal lock and key. Sounds useful.

While writing the sequences down on the scroll, I was startled by a loud thunder strike. I looked outside to see the clear sunny day was replaced by a sudden storm. I had no idea when that happened, but what else could you expect when you're busy?

Heh, I pitied those two poor souls scrambling around out in that storm. It would suck to be them. Those poor, unfortunate, familiar ponies. Where have I seen them...

Wait, wasn't that Applejack and Rarity? Aw man, what was I doing chuckling at their misfortune? They shouldn't be out and about when there's lightning!

I swung open the door and sucked in breath for a shout. "Applejack! Rarity! C'mon, get inside!" I yelled again, and they finally listened, galloping to my side.

Applejack skidded to a halt just outside the library. "Wait, should we really be takin' cover in a tree during a thunderstorm?"

I looked up the side of the tree. "Yeah, I think we have a lightning rod up there."

Rarity only looked more uncertain. "You think? You're not really sure?"

I shrugged at them. "I'm taking Spike's word on it. He said there was, I'm not going to argue."

They both sighed with relief, and followed me inside. Before Applejack could get past the door, Rarity stopped her with a hoof. "Do be a polite house guest and go wash up, won't you?" She indicated Applejack's muddy hooves, and how messy they would make things.

Applejack grumbled, but I stopped her before she could go back outside. "Nah, don't worry about it. Just wipe your hooves on the doormat and come in. I'll clean it later."

Applejack smiled smugly at Rarity, who only glared in response. As the two came into the library, I knew that they wouldn't be able to stand being in the same building as each other. "So, how 'bout that storm, huh?" I asked, getting their attention. "When are the pegasi getting around to dealing with it?"

Applejack, being the farm mare that she is, knew the weather schedule better than either of us. "Well, that there storm should be all cleared up in the mornin'."

Rarity took that information with surprise, and Applejack was shocked when she realized the implications. As shocked as they were, neither of them were as upset as I was. There was no way in hell that I would let them walk home during a thunderstorm, so I had to let them stay here with me for a while. As upsetting as it was that I wasn't able to eat directly from the ice cream tub, that wasn't what really bothered me. No, the real problem was in my friends and how hostile to one another they were. That left me with two options: Play counselor again, or distract them long enough so that there won't be any problems between them.

Look, I love my friends and all, but I was starting to get really tired of this counselor stuff. Every week or so for the past month and a half, I've had to put my work off to the side and deal with whatever issues they had. I really needed to get my spellcasting up to par, but that was easier said than done when all of my friends are either wanting to hang out or having some kind of breakdown.

Hopefully I can push this confrontation off for a later date, when I'll be more prepared to deal with it. I doubted that I could handle two angry mares who were stuck in close quarters with each other, so I shifted through my mind for any kind of distracting activity to keep them in line. I latched onto a the first idea that came to mind. "So, who wants to play darts? We have a dartboard." I turned and muttered to myself. "For some reason."

Applejack raised an eyebrow. "You got darts? Ahm afraid ah don't know how to play."

"Don't worry about it." I said dismissively. "I don't know how either. We'll just go by whoever gets closest to the bullseye."

Rarity huffed. "That's a crude way of playing darts."

Applejack gave her a less-than-well-intentioned sideways look. "Ahm surprised you would know anythin' 'bout darts."

Rarity glared back at her. "Well, somepony has to."

I contemplated that statement. Was she indirectly insulting me, as well? I think so, but I doubt she meant it. Regardless, I had to get them distracted before a cat-fight started. Wait, what do ponies call them here? Are they still called cat-fights? I'll look that up later, possibly when neither of my friends were getting into one.

"Okay, you two wait here for a moment while I get the stuff we need." I raced down to the basement, where all of the weirder things were kept. Remember that trowel I used? It was down there. I grabbed the dartboard and three darts, and ran back upstairs.

I was glad that the two hadn't started their fist fight, but they still looked rather upset. They were looking at either side of the room, pointedly not looking at the other. I was having second thoughts about giving them sharp objects to play with, but I already told them we were playing darts. I set the board up and gathered everyone for the game.

First, I laid down some ground rules. "First rule of the game: no magic."

"Wait, you're banning magic from this game? Whatever for? Surely you could just limit it, instead?" Rarity asked.

"Seriously, screw magic. We're doing this right."

Rarity adopted a curious, if annoyed, look at my statement. Applejack wasn't about to argue. "Ah got no complaints. Ah don't have magic, anyhow."

Rarity huffed. "Of course you wouldn't object. This gives you the advantage."

Applejack scoffed as if offended. "Are you callin' me a cheater?"

"Okay, I guess that means I'm going first." I declared. I grabbed the yellow dart, and threw it at the board. Shit, it landed on the outer ring! "Ugh, Rarity, you're next."

Rarity grabbed the blue dart, and prepped it for a toss. "Say, Twilight? I've been meaning to ask for a while now, but why do you hate magic so much?" She threw the dart. Just my luck, it hit near the center, just a bit removed from the bullseye.

"Yeah, come to think of it, ah would have expected a unicorn to love magic, bein' their thing an' all." Applejack threw a read dart, which hit the middle ring. Rarity won this round.

I had to admit, it was getting tempting to tell them more about myself if it meant that they would keep from arguing. Hell, Rarity wasn't rubbing her victory in Applejack's face, so this must have been a question they both could agree was important.

As I retrieved our darts, I figured that it would be best to tell them a little bit about why I hate magic. I had a bit of a history with it. "Every time magic enters my life, things inevitably get screwed up. I had a perfect life, but then a wizard puched me in the soul, and my life started to suck." I threw the dart a bit more forcefully than I intended, but it still hit the middle ring. "It's been getting better, though."

"My word, what did this spellcaster do to you that ruined any enthusiasm you might feel for magic?" Rarity asked with concern.

The answer to this question would be tricky. On one hand, it had to be technically true and not reveal my identity, but also had to fit with Twilight's actual history in case Spike ever caught wind of this conversation. I could push the answer off until later when I think of every possibility, but I needed to give them a good answer now to keep them occupied. I mustered up my best thinking. I sighed with as much resignment as I could, just to give this a heavy feeling. "Look, I'm only telling you this because I trust you. You both are my friends, and I think you can handle it without any... harsh words."

Of course, this statement meant nothing. I was stalling for time again, but I was also doing this to kind of hint that they were both good people so they would hopefully end their hostilities. Mostly the former, though. As I'd hoped, they both nodded solemnly and gave me the time I needed to come up with something.

Then I got my plan, and oh boy, was it a kicker. "The thing is..." I added a pause for dramatic effect, but they didn't know that. I turned to them as solemnly as possible. "...I wasn't always a mare."

Applejack and Rarity were dumbfounded by the news. They even glanced at each other, and I noticed that there was no hint of quarreling in their shared glance! Success! Of course, Applejack was the first to ask for clarification. "Beg yer pardon? What do you mean you weren't always a mare?"

I put on a nervous smile as a show of false vulnerability. "That wizard used a spell on me back when I was a colt. He turned me into a filly that day, and I've never quite been the same since then." Partly true, as I was a guy at one point. I just overstated how young I was.

"Oh my." Rarity held a hoof to her head, possibly feeling light-headed from the revelation. "That is quite the shock. I would certainly understand your hesitance to use magic after such an ordeal."

With even Applejack giving me an apologetic look, I had to consciously try to keep my victorious smile hidden. Now that I've built the pressure, I would draw a silver lining. "Now, don't you girls worry about me. This has been kept a secret for a long time; Spike doesn't even know. My parents will deny it, and I doubt Celestia is even aware, but I've gotten accustomed to my body since then. I'm perfectly comfortable the way I am, so please don't treat me any differently. As far as we're concerned, I've been a girl my entire life."

For a moment, they were still. They merely stared at me, still absorbing the shock of my announcement. Just when I was thinking I broke them, they smiled with understanding. "Don't you worry, sugarcube, ah'll keep your secret safe." Applejack reassured.

"I will do the same for you, darling." Rarity added. "But your story bothers me. Why couldn't you get the spell reversed?"

With quick thinking, I made an excuse. "We couldn't find him afterwards, and my parents weren't able to reverse the spell themselves." That much was true, to my credit. "We just figured it was easier to pretend I was always like this."

Rarity nodded her understanding. "Alright then. If you don't mind, I shall treat you like any other friend of mine. Is that okay?"

I put on a relieved smile and went to hug them both. "Thanks. Both of you."

Applejack returned the hug. "Shucks, it ain't nuthin'."

"Anytime, darling."

After a moment, we released the hug and smiled at one another. Since they were in good spirits now, but much to my vexation, I realized that now was my best chance at getting the two of them to make up. Figures that I would be the counselor, even on my self-imposed day off. With an inward sigh, I did what any good friend should do. "So, are you two done fighting?"

They looked at each other and blushed with embarrassment. "Oh yeah, ah forgot about that." Applejack admitted.

"What were you arguing about?" I asked.

"Oh, it was silly." Rarity dismissed. "I think we were arguing over how we should clean up for the storm."

"Fer the record, ah was pullin' the branches off the trees." A tree branch smashed through a window like a javelin, and got stuck. "Fer that exact reason." Applejack said, pointing at the invading branch.

I shoved it roughly back outside with my magic, and moved a bookshelf to cover the window. Interesting, my telekinesis was pretty strong if it could move a bookshelf. I would have to test my upper limits later. "Anyway, I hope you two can make up. It's terrible for friends to get angry at each other."

"Agreed. It's just that Applejack and I don't really see eye to eye. I must admit, I like to make things a certain way." Rarity confessed.

"I see how that could be a problem."

"Well, I was making the branches look nice before the storm, but I see that was a bad idea now." Rarity added.

"You see? You gotta be practical about things." Applejack said.

"Now hold up." I interrupted. "Yes, while I favor practicality, there are times where a softer or prettier approach is better. Don't forget that time you accidentally caused a rabbit stampede because you treated them like any other creature you would wrangle."

"Yeah, yer right." She conceded.

I resumed speaking to both of them. "Look, we all have our own issues. For instance, we all know what mine are, right?"

"Yer a liar?"

"You swear a lot."

I narrowed my eyes. They were both correct, but... "Actually, I was referring to my rage issues. I tend to explode at things that upset me, so I temper it with apathy. I may not be doing very well, but I'm trying to compensate for my problems. My point is that you two, from what I'm generally observing, have complimentary strengths and weaknesses. One knows very well how to be practical but lacks finesse, while the other is creative and proper, but has trouble with direct problems with direct solutions. You two, working together, would make a perfect team."

They looked at each other again with a new perspective. "Ah never thought of it that way."

I was glad that they weren't catching on to what was mostly guesswork. I held their shoulders, looking at each of them in turn. "I urge the both of you to embrace your differences. Always give each other a chance, and together, you will overcome anything, and you just might learn something new." I reminded myself that I should write this down later. It will make for a good friendship report.

They nodded at me, and turned to each other. Rarity spoke first. "She's right, Applejack. Perhaps we should look past our differences."

Applejack nodded her affirmation. "Yeah, why be friends when we could be best friends?"

They hugged their agreement. I sat back with a victorious smile. It was good to get my friends back together. They released their hug, and Rarity beamed when she thought of a great idea. "Wait, since we're stuck here anyways, we could have a slumber party!"

My good vibes dropped in favor of horror. "Uh, I don't know about that..."

"Slumber party, huh? Ah haven't been to one in a long time. Too long, if you ask me." Applejack claimed.

Uggggghhhh. Man, I really don't want to be part of a slumber party. I was having a wonderful life without ever being in one, and these two were trying to muck it up. But as I looked between the two hopeful mares, I realized that they were two out of five people in all of existence who could convince me otherwise, so I sighed. "Alright, let's have a slumber party. What do we do in one?"

Rarity shot forward with an almost manic grin. "We could talk about boys."

I leaned away from Rarity with a look of nervous terror. "Ahhh, I don't know..."

"Please? I'm really interested in knowing what your perspective is on romance, considering your background, and all." She insisted.

I bit my lip. "Well, I have the perspective and preferences of a boy my age."

Rarity levitated a trio of couch cushions over, and lied on one with her head propped up with interest. "Really? So you're really just a rugged stallion in the guise of a beautiful mare?"

I stepped back a bit with discomfort, but I slipped on the cushion Rarity placed behind me. I shot back up, to resume my backtracking. "Um, probably? Please don't be coming onto me."

Rarity snickered. "Oh, relax darling. I'm only teasing."

I forced a nervous laugh. "Okay, I'll be right back with some juice, since I don't have any booze." I retreated to the kitchen, and swung open the refrigerator for the apple juice. I took a quick swig, and immediately felt a bit more relaxed.

God, slumber parties were scary. And to think, we were only getting started.

I was dedicated to hating this slumber party. After all, I'm a guy. Guys don't like slumber parties. We like sleepovers, where we play video games and set fire to glass.

We do not like wearing mud masks and cucumber slices.

We shouldn't like wearing mud masks and cucumber slices.

This was the exact situation I found myself in, with Rarity and I lying on those cushions, faces covered in green stuff. Applejack accepted the mud mask, but she just ate her cucumber slices, which I didn't know we were allowed to do, therefore she's cheating. I was sulking the whole time the mask was on, but I was getting used to it after a while.

Rarity was, of course, talking about romance and gossip. Quite unfortunate for Spike that she was into this "Prince Blueblood" guy, but I'm sure Spike will manage. Applejack, meanwhile, spoke up every once in a while to express her displeasure in a certain story, and I joined in out of courtesy more than anything else.

Finally, Rarity got around to washing the mud masks off. When that goop was off my face, I couldn't recall a time when my face felt so refreshed. I ran a hoof over it just to make sure it wasn't because of some other chemical that was stuck, but it was clean. It felt really nice.

We had s'mores, which I didn't know was a typical slumber party activity. Rarity made them look real pretty and neatly arranged, and of course Applejack just tossed them into her mouth. It was pretty silly, seeing Rarity's delicate work carelessly chewed up. We got a good chuckle out of it.

But then we decided to do my favorite activity thus far: the pillow fight. I don't know how I found so many pillows in my house if there were only two beds, but I brought out every available pillow. It started out crazy, and it ended crazy. Applejack bucked pillows like artillery, Rarity shot them around like cannonballs with magic (I gave her special permission to use it), while I was a skirmisher. I ran around the room to thwack them with a pillow I held in my surprisingly powerful jaw, dodging two sets of propelled ammunition the best I could.

It was a harrowing battle, and there were no winners (except for everyone). We were exhausted afterwards, so we adjourned into my room to sleep. Applejack and Rarity shared a guest bed while I slept alone in mine.

A burst of lightning struck nearby, awakening everyone. With the same idea in mind, we all ran to the window to see what was hit. The tree next to my house was smouldering from a lightning bolt.

"Oh, that fucker's going down." I predicted.

To my surprise, Rarity didn't chide me on my language. I guess she was too tired for that.

"Not on my watch, it ain't!" Applejack declared, prepping her lasso. I would have asked where she kept it, but it was too late for me to care about such things. Applejack flung open the window, letting the heavy wind and rain whip inside. Undeterred, she twirled her lasso and threw it over the falling treetop.

I breathed a sigh of relief, since the tree was no longer in danger of falling and crashing into my neighbor's house. I really wasn't sure if this tree was on my property or not. Then Applejack yanked the tree away, and it fell in our direction. Rarity tried to stop her, but it was too late.

I panicked, three dweomer sequences springing to mind. I powered my horn and shot forth a beam of energy. The magenta beam tore through the tree and smashed it into splinters. The remains of the fallen tree dropped to the land below, in a mangled heap.

Applejack and Rarity looked at me with surprise, not expecting me to have used anything more than basic levitation. I myself was shocked that using magic came to mind, but looking down at the destruction I caused with a single bolt of energy?

That was pretty cool.

Author's Note

Ultra Pony Force is a copyright of Haybro Studios. All rights reserved.

Merry Christmas! Consider this early chapter a gift from me to you.

And consider the ending of this chapter a gift to Twiliclone (name idea by Admiral Q Ponyform): the gift of power.

Edit: The Bunny Stampede Scene still happened after the events of Applebuck Season, but under different circumstances.

Lightning's Got Nothing On Rainbows

I was still staring down at the shattered treetop, the rain whipping into me from the open window of my bedroom. Distant thunder hardly registered in my head, as my mind was blank from my feat of magic. Applejack and Rarity were watching me, unsure of my mental state.

My mind was overwhelmed by a strong sense of release that radiated throughout my body. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, but it came out as a shuddering. I lost the strength in my legs, and went limp onto the window sill, panting from exertion. Applejack rushed forward and held onto me comfortingly. "Are you okay, Twilight?"

I steadied my breathing to respond. "I guess so. I'm feeling very light-headed, though."

Rarity approached, closing the window with her magic. "Understandable, since you just used your magic for the first time in a long while."

"What do you mean? Isn't magic basically just mind powers? How come my legs are putty?" I asked.

Rarity tapped her chin with a hoof appraisingly. "Hmm, not to criticize Celestia's abilities as a teacher, but I would have thought she would have explained it already."

"What are you talkin' about, Rares?" Applejack inquired.

"I'm saying that magic is as physical as it is mental. The act of casting a spell has an effect on the world and on the user's body, which is felt through the horn. Unicorns who rarely use their magic to their full degree often experience light-headedness and fatigue upon casting a spell. Considering Twilight's historical distaste of magic, it's no surprise that she's showing such a reaction." Rarity scrutinized me again, as if noticing something strange. "What's odd about her reaction is how powerful it is. The effects are only minor. Usually, it's merely shortness of breath or dizziness, but losing the ability to stand and complete exhaustion? If I didn't know better, I would say that Twilight hasn't used anything more powerful than levitation for many years."

They both looked to me for confirmation. I weakly shrugged. "You got me. I haven't been much of a spellcaster."

Rarity tapped her chin in thought. "Again, it's strange that you're getting this reaction. Spikey mentioned you were making a spell, which often requires use and experimentation of the created spell. How come you haven't been casting it?"

"It's... well, I assume it's finished. I haven't gotten around to testing it." I explained.

"And may I ask why it hasn't been tested, yet?"

"It's a fire spell. If I'm going to test it, the target needs to be flammable and in a non-flammable environment. This tree isn't exactly ideal."

Rarity raised a curious eyebrow. "And why are you making fire spells?"

"Remember the parasprites?"

"Yes."

"If and when they return, I'm gonna host a barbecue and serve them to every carnivore at Fluttershy's."

Rarity winced in shock at the answer. Apparently, so calmly explaining how you'll kill something while also giving it away as food was a bit of a crazy thing to say. Even Applejack, who I expected to be country tough, slowly backed away from me. "What? It's not like I would be killing things for no reason! They were eating all of our food! Excuse me for wanting a solution to such a problem!"

"I dunno, Twi. That seems awfully extreme, even for you." Applejack said nervously.

"Even for me? I stabbed a dragon in the ass; I'm hardcore." I responded. My weakened mind didn't quite grasp that the events I was referring to weren't helping my case.

Rarity glanced at the sword on my wall. "Yes, and I see you still have that barbaric instrument. Why do you keep something so ghastly?"

"Uh, stabbed a dragon in the ass?" I asked as if it was obvious. "That's a good memory for a better trophy."

"Didn't you also get smacked into a rock after that?" Applejack asked, remembering my only misfortune that day.

I huffed. "Sure, if you want to remember the boring parts."

"I thought it was more worrying than anything else." Rarity chimed.

I narrowed my eyes in frustration. "And I thought we agreed to skip the ghost stories."

"Right. So, I assume you know how to avoid the side effects of spellcasting?" Rarity asked.

"I'm not going to stop casting spells." I resolved.

"Wait a minute, if you hate magic so much, why do you keep usin' it?" Applejack asked.

I responded with my usual ambiguity. "I have a personal project that needs doing, and I'll need magic for it."

"Yeah, we remember the parasprite barbecue." Applejack reminded.

"No no, a different project. I'm not going to talk about it much more, though." I corrected.

"Well, if you want to stop the side effects, I'm afraid the only solution is to exercise your magic. Treat it like any other muscle, and it will become a lot easier." Rarity explained.

There we have it. I now have to exercise my magic as well as my new body. As we yawned and went back to our beds, I had my magic sensitivity on my mind. I was really glad Spike wasn't here, as I'm sure he would have caught on to me in an instant. No doubt he knows magic better than me, living with a studious mare like Twilight, and he would notice the discrepancy between our spellcasting abilities. I must keep my magic training a secret, or I could be caught immediately.

"Ah'd best be goin 'fore Granny gets too worried. See ya'll!" Applejack bid us farewell in the morning. She left us with a wave, and left myself and Rarity alone. After Rarity's teasing last night, most would be a bit nervous. I, on the other hand, was well-adjusted and therefore immune to mere teasing.

"Thanks again for letting us stay over." Rarity said graciously.

"No problem."

"We should have another sleepover sometime." Rarity giggled into a hoof. "And this time, I'll be sure to avoid any of those 'girly' activities you found so dreadful."

I stammered a response. "Well... if we do this again, I'm not o-opposed to the previous night's activities." I looked away nervously.

Rarity just giggled again at my response. "If you say so, darling. I'll be sure to bring curlers, next time."

I wasn't sure if I should be upset or thrilled at the promise of curlers. "...okay."

Rarity once more found my response to be humorous. "Anyway, I know you dislike magic, but you'd be doing yourself a favor if you practice every once in a while. Just a simple spell every once in while, alright?"

I smirked. "As long as I don't have to like it."

Rarity half-smiled at my dedication. "That's the spirit, I suppose." Rarity didn't say anything more than that, but I could tell she was wanting to. Perhaps she was wanting to tell me about the wonders of magic?

I shall take no such heresy.

Luckily, Rarity kept that sentiment to herself. "I must get going. I have to design some Fall pieces before the leaves turn brown." Rarity smiled teasingly. "And I'm sure you'd understand how important fashion is to a lady?"

"Is this revenge for refusing to wear makeup?" I demanded. "Because if it is, I'll give myself a scar to spite you." Please don't call my bluff, please don't call my bluff...

Rarity nodded knowingly. "I'm sure you will. Ta-ta, darling!" We waved goodbye, and she left through the front door.

It was fun night, I guess, but it was a distraction I didn't really need. Though it did reveal the slight stumbling block of my magical sensitivity. The plan for the day was to practice my spellcasting, since that would need to happen eventually, anyway. To that end, I got an item I had no attachment to (an empty cardboard box), and blasted it with magic for as long as I could.

The energy beam I was shooting had some really weird physics. It tore apart a tree like nothing, and the box was no exception to this observation. However, I realized just as I cast it the first time that normally this would lead to property damage as the beam would tear through the much flimsier box and destroy anything beyond. This was not the case, as the beam instead dissipated on the box, and tore it apart. I had to admit, the spell was well designed to prevent unnecessary collateral damage from a struggle. As long as you hit your mark, only your opponent would suffer any damage.

The first time I cast the spell, it exhausted me like the night before. I wasn't drained, it was just that I was overwhelmed by the sensory input from the spell. I needed a few minutes for rest between each casting. Of course I was determined to get over the over-sensitivity; I wasn't going to let magic rule over me, I was going to rule over magic!

You know, if I needed to.

Around noon, the front door opened, and in walked my "little brother", Spike. Honestly, I wasn't expecting him back so soon, so I interrupted my practice and hid the evidence. Spike wouldn't look under the bookshelves, would he? "Hey Spike, how was 'royal business'?"

Spike placed a newspaper on the center table of the room. "Uh, it went pretty well." I could tell he was hiding something.

I fished for more information. "Oh? And what exactly happened?"

His eyes shifted everywhere I wasn't standing. "Uh, you know, I just filed a bunch of reports or whatever. Nothing special happened." He beat a hasty retreat upstairs, excusing himself.

I shrugged to myself. If Spike wasn't willing to talk about it, then I wouldn't force him. Seeing the newspaper, I decided to take a break. I unrolled the paper and beheld the glorious headline.

COMIC CONVENTION ENDED DUE TO FIRE. CAUSE UNKNOWN.

I've made a breakthrough. It has gotten to the point where I no longer have the oversensitivity from magic, and I was very thankful for that. However, I've noticed that casting was getting easier, and it's not just because I wasn't collapsing every time. By the end of the week, visualizing the dweomer sequences I needed was getting more and more instinctual. I was able to master the use of the Energy Bolt spell, the Lock spell, and the Sleep spell (don't worry, I used Sleep on myself, so no animal testing)!

It wasn't just for spells I knew, either. I even memorized a completely new spell, and even faster than usual! Rarity wasn't kidding about how much easier it would get. I feel like I have a real handle on these dweomers, and it won't be much longer until I can move on to more powerful spells. Soon, very soon.

As for the spell I learned? Least Object Calling. Heh, I just saw that look of incomprehension on your face. Okay, let me explain; it's a minor conjuration that summons an item to you. It sounds like a useful spell, but it has a few limitations. First of all, I need to prepare an item ahead of time that I can teleport to my side, so it doesn't just summon things from the ether. If I wanted to summon an inkwell, I would need to cast the spell on the inkwell, which would "mark" it for use, and then I could summon it later. The second limitation is size, as I can only summon objects about the size of a baseball. That doesn't give me many options for objects, and I certainly can't summon my sword at any time, but at least I won't ever forget my keys.

Spike and I were hanging out in the library's main room, doing the usual thing. He was reading a comic, I was reading a bestiary. The front door opened, and in walked Applejack and Rarity. We greeted each other, and they settled in.

"So, how is your magic coming along?" Rarity asked.

"Pretty well, I suppose. I can actually cast spells without going pale, so that's always a good thing." I replied.

"That's good to hear." Said Applejack. "I was worried there for a second when you fell like that."

Rarity waved a hoof dismissively. "It's as I said, she just needed to practice."

Spike broke into the conversation with confusion. "Wait, what happened?"

I was dreading this already. Spike would have caught on to my magic sensitivity if I wasn't practicing in the basement, but now the others threatened to reveal it anyway. Time seemed to slow as Rarity opened her mouth to reply, and my mind scrambled for something with which to distract them. To that end, I yelled, seemingly at random, "I like rainbows, does anybody else like rainbows?"

Everyone turned their attention to me, eyebrows raised. The one who answered the question was not someone I was expecting. "Ooh ooh, I like rainbows!" Pinkie chirped.

I turned to Pinkie, who I was sure wasn't there before. "Pinkie, did you sneak in here?"

"Nope! I walked through the front door!" I don't think she understood that one could sneak in if they're quiet.

Applejack, Rarity, and Spike gave each other questioning looks, making it clear that none of them noticed Pinkie walking through the door right behind me. I shook my head. "Uh huh. So what's up? Is there something you want?"

"I'm here for the same reason you're here: I'm here to see the rainbow!"

I narrowed my eyes in confusion. I looked around the room, even out the window, but there was no rainbow. "There's not a rainbow in here. There's not even anything prismatic." I pointed out.

In retrospect, that was my first hint that Pinkie Pie was a psychic. I only say that because just as I was refuting her, something prismatic did indeed appear. A rainbow blur crashed through a window and smashed into a bookcase. Oh, poor Rainbow Dash. Someday, she'll get the hang of flying.

Rainbow stood up from the pile of books she made, shaking her head to regain her bearings. She noticed us. "Hey girls, what's up?"

"Not you, silly! You fell down again!" Pinkie smiled. I couldn't tell if she thought her joke was funny or not.

Rainbow briefly glared at Pinkie, but turned her attention to the rest of us. "What're you all doing in the library?"

"Rarity and ah were checkin' up on Twilight." Applejack answered. "Some magic problems, I reckon."

"I live here." I answered.

"Uh, me too." Spike added.

"How about you?" I asked Rainbow. "Why did you drop by? Did you think we were having a party or something?"

"WHAT!?" Pinkie screamed. She grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me as if this were an interrogation. "You were having a party without me? Why didn't you invite me!?"

I stared back at her in abject horror. "...because we weren't having a party?"

Pinkie went back to her usual cheerful demeanor, jumping back away from me. "Oh, that makes sense."

The library was silent with everyone staring at Pinkie with bemusement. Pinkie was oblivious to the attention she was getting, merely humming a tune to herself. A tiny voice by the window caught us all off guard. "Rainbow Dash, you rock! Woohoo!" That was the quietest cheering I have ever heard, and it could only belong to one mare.

Fluttershy stood over the window, now looking worried. "Oh, um, are you okay Rainbow?"

Rainbow sighed. "Yeah, but you need to practice more. Your cheering is pitiful."

"Why does she suddenly need to practice cheering?" I asked.

"Because the Best Young Flyer Competition is tomorrow, and I'm gonna need an awesome cheering section."

"Hold on, you're going to a competition and you didn't invite the rest of us?" I was wondering why she was leaving us behind. Surely, she could bring all of her friends.

Strangely, it was Pinkie who answered my query. "Well, duh. The competition is in Cloudsdale."

I raised an eyebrow quizzically. "And?"

"That's a pegasus city." Applejack added.

I still didn't get it. "And?"

Rainbow groaned. "Ugh, Cloudsdale is a city made out of clouds, and only pegasi can walk in it."

Realization dawned on me. "Ohhh, okay, I understand the problem."

"You really need to get out more." Pinkie chided. I took that to mean Cloudsdale was common knowledge. Oops.

Since Rainbow was still here, I decided to ask her about her routine. It's not like I'll be able to see it. "So I assume this 'forceful landing' was because of whatever you were practicing?"

"Ooh, are you doing a Sonic Rainboom?" Pinkie asked enthusiastically.

Rainbow was at a momentary loss of words, presumably because Pinkie already somehow knew what tricks she was performing. "Yeah... how'd you guess?"

"Because it's my lucky day!" She declared. So, she was saying it was a lucky guess?

But I was still in the dark, and I was the only one, apparently. "So what's a 'Sonic Rainboom'? Is that making a rainbow explode?"

Rainbow thought about "exploding rainbows" and her eyes widened in fascination. "Whoa. That would be awesome."

In her usual bouncy way, Pinkie explained. "A Sonic Rainboom is a legendary move that happens when a pegasus like Rainbow Dash moves so fast..." Pinkie pantomimed what I assumed was an explosion. "BOOM! A sonic boom and a rainbow! A Sonic Rainboom!"

That sounded an awful lot like breaking the sound barrier. But that would be impossible. There's no way that a pegasus would be able to move faster than the speed of sound. "Now I'm starting to think you're trying something that's impossible."

Strangely, Rainbow subtly wilted at that. Fluttershy came to her defense. "She's done it before! I've seen her do it!"

I waved an arm in frustration. Of course she did. Why would my rudimentary knowledge of physics have any bearing on my life? Might as well dump the whole textbook in the trash.

"So yer goin' to use that Rainboom of yours to win the competition?" Applejack clarified.

Rainbow chuckled with a kind of nervousness that I only barely noticed. "Y-yeah! I'm totally gonna wipe the floor at that competition." She briefly darted her eyes between us, and smiled nervously. "I'm gonna go rest up. Don't wanna be over-prepared, you know?" She turned to leave out the window, but pointed at Fluttershy. "You, on the other hoof, should keep practicing. I need a cheering section to match my performance."

Rainbow flew out the window, and Fluttershy took that opportunity to tell us what was really happening. "She's been practicing for so long, but she hasn't even done one successful Rainboom. I don't think cheering loud enough will help her." She gingerly flew away, presumably to practice cheering.

That left me and the other girls to contemplate recent events. Considering it was about a week since that slumber party, I felt I had a good reason to sigh dejectedly. I scanned the magic section of the library for something that would help.

"What's wrong, Twilight? Are you feeling nervous for Rainbow Dash?" Rarity asked.

I found the book I needed, and levitated it off the shelf. It was a book on transmutations. "It's that time of the week. Someone I know is having some kind of problem they need my help with, and I need to drop everything to help."

"It sounds to me like you don't want to help." She observed.

I flipped the book open to the index, hoping to find a spell that could get me into Cloudsdale. "Don't get me wrong, I like helping my friends." I blew out a breath of frustration. "I could just do without the frequency."

Ignoring the strange looks everyone was giving me that I would later interpret as guilt, I found a Flight spell. Hmm, minor conjuration with heavy transmutation? How many dweomer sequences were there? Whoa, that was a lot. I wasn't sure if I could do this, all of a sudden. If you consider a dweomer sequence a word, and a spell a sentence, then this was a whole fucking paragraph. Still, I had to try, at least. I channeled the energy and visualized the dweomers.

Something odd happened as I formed the dweomers. The process I used to channel my power became a lot more simple. I found it easier to form these particular glyphs, and I believed that I could increase my power output by a great deal. I closed my eyes in concentration, accelerating the process of forming the spell, and filling the room with light. I directed the gathered spell to myself, and released it.

I opened my eyes and looked over my body. I looked mostly the same, but I felt an odd mass on my back. I investigated my new addition to find a pair of leathery bat wings the same color as my coat. I moved them naturally, as if they were always there.

"My word," Rarity awed. "That must have been a rather difficult spell. How did you ever pull it off?"

I smiled excitedly. How else could one react to such a great realization? "I know how I did this. I'm a transmutation specialist."

Spike gave me another one of those odd looks, as if I just said something contradictory. Rarity ignored him, clapping her hooves in approval. "That's wonderful, Twilight! You've discovered your specialty!"

I nodded, not looking away from my new wings. "Yes, and with these, I'll be able to cheer for Rainbow Dash in the competition." It would also be helpful, as no doubt I could eventually transform myself back into a human when I was ready to leave much earlier than I thought. Really, this was perfect. "So who else wants to go to Cloudsdale with me?"

Rarity stepped forward. "I'll volunteer next, though I really don't want wings so ugly."

I charged my horn with the spell. "Don't worry, the wings are personalized by the subject. You won't regret it." I let loose the spell, and Rarity sprouted a pair of butterfly wings. The sparkled and shined, filling the room with brilliant colors.

Rarity gushed over her wings, while Applejack stepped forward to volunteer next. "Hit me, Twi."

I complied, casting the spell on her. Applejack sprouted a pair of plain feathery wings. She looked just like a pegasus. Pinkie bounced with excitment, eager to be augmented next. "Do me! Do me!"

I cast the spell on her, but I think the spell failed. When the light faded, Pinkie was still her usual earth pony self. I was understandably puzzled, since I was sure I cast it correctly. "Strange, I wonder why it didn't work."

Pinkie shrugged. "I dunno."

I looked through the spell's instructions again, trying to find some kind of mistake I was making. I stopped looking when Pinkie was ecstatically yelling "Wheeee!" Somehow, even without wings, Pinkie was flying around the library like a pegasus. I was going to make some kind of exclamation about how this doesn't make sense, but I remembered that Pinkie flying without wings was almost as nonsensical as she usually is, so I kept it to myself.

In a word, that day was perfect. I discovered my specialty school, and gave myself a pair of bitchin' bat wings. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were going to be so surprised!

While Fluttershy was no doubt "screaming" herself coarse, Applejack, Rarity and I were getting used to our new wings. As for Pinkie Pie, well, we kind of lost track of her when she flew into Sugarcube Corner. Allegedly, the Cakes were frantic about something for the rest of the day. I didn't get any details, but things somehow got crazier when Pinkie learned to fly.

I learned the hard way how hard it is to sleep with wings. I remember Rainbow once bragging about how awesome it is to sleep on clouds, so I guess winged ponies are supposed to sleep in the sky. Then again, Fluttershy lives in a regular cottage, so your guess is as good as mine.

In the morning, I met with the girls, and we flew off to Cloudsdale to surprise Rainbow Dash. We had to keep it slow for Rarity, since butterfly wings are made for fluttering and not soaring, but we made good time. Pinkie was a mystery, flying laps around us and gushing about how cool it was to fly. Applejack was pretty quiet, and she was rigidly looking forward, never looking down. I can hardly blame her, for I was only anchored in sanity by the fact that I could renew the Flight spell at any time.

Cloudsdale was in sight, and it was magnificent. It sat atop an absolutely massive amount of clouds, off of which streamed rainbows and water like waterfalls. Many building dotted the "landscape", with pillars that I was similar in design to ancient Roman architecture. It looked like what would happen if the Romans were a race of bird-like people that could walk on clouds. It was the most gorgeous city I have ever seen.

Pinkie, demonstrating more of those precognitive powers I alluded to earlier, led us to Rainbow and Fluttershy. Let me tell you, seeing their reaction when they saw us flying was priceless. If I had a camera, I would capture this moment and treasure it always. They stared in awe at the flying non-pegasi, which briefly became confusion when they realized Pinkie was the same as always.

Yep, Rainbow and Fluttershy were stunned that we became pegasi overnight. Applejack and I landed on the clouds, demonstrating further my prowess for basic transmutations. Pinkie was still madly flying around in a happy frenzy, and Rarity decided that she liked showing off her pretty wings. I noticed that she turned a few heads.

"Surprise!" I announced. "Didn't expect to see us here, did you?"

Rainbow stammered in shock. "W-What? How did you guys get up here? How did you get those wings?"

"I've got a few tricks up my proverbial sleeve." I replied cryptically.

Applejack clarified my statement for her. "Twi cast a fancy spell on us that gave us wings."

"Well, when you put it that way, I'm not exactly proud of myself." I huffed.

"Oh my goodness, this is amazing!" Fluttershy cheered. I came up with a scale for quietness. There's quiet as a mouse, and then there's Fluttershy quiet.

"We're here to cheer you on, darling!" Rarity said. "I'm sure you will win!"

Rainbow smiled earnestly. "Thanks, guys. Honestly, I was getting just a teeny weeny but nervous, but I feel a lot better now that you're here." She looked to a nearby clock tower. "Hey, we got some time until the competition, how about we show you around Cloudsdale?"

The others said yes, but I chose to break the mold by having the coolest answer. "Bitchin'." I said with a cool grin. Rarity gave me a sideways glare, but she otherwise let it go.

"Here it is, the greatest city in the sky."

Rainbow didn't need to bother with the grand presentation, for the city itself was a true marvel. Sure, it was amazing at a distance, but it was even better up close. It was like walking into any other big city, but much more fantastic. The clouds that made up the city were a spectacular white, giving every building a sense of regalness that mere wood or stone could never accomplish. Pegasi flew throughout the sky without a care for their beautiful surroundings, making what amounts to a royal city back home seem like an average big city. Truly, this was an amazing sight to behold.

Most of us ooh-ed and ahh-ed, but the effect of this spectacular fantasy cityscape was ruined by Rarity. I can't understand how someone can be so full of themselves, because I swear Rarity was admiring herself in a storefront mirror. I rolled my eyes at the display, for how else could I react to something so embarrassing?

Rainbow also noticed Rarity's self-fawning, and tried very hard to ignore it. "Uhh, some of the greatest pegasi in history came from Cloudsdale!" Suddenly I was interested. I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I hadn't read any history books since coming to Equestria at the time, so I figured Rainbow would elaborate on this grand history of the city.

Rarity rushed over to accompany us, stopping her self-admiration long enough to realize we were still walking. As she passed, multiple pegasi gaped in awe at Rarity's wings, some murmuring their approval of something so beautiful. I noted these reactions. Sure, her wings were pretty, but they weren't that pretty. I could understand if they stared because you don't often see butterfly wings on a unicorn, but not being completely enraptured.

"Say, since we're up here, ah'd like to see where the weather's made." Applejack said, more of a suggestion of where to go first. Silly Applejack, everyone knows that weather isn't "made". There's loads of natural phenomena that effect the weather. Just because pegasi could move a few clouds around didn't mean they created all weather.

Son of a bitch, they do make the weather up here! What kind of weather? All the weather.

Man, you think you've seen some shitty work environments? I'll bet you five bits that it doesn't have shit compared to the Cloudsdale Weather Factory. I've been in a room that was so cold, that I was freezing my little ass off even with a jacket. There were loads of ponies in there, too. And you know what they were doing in there? Making snowflakes. One at a time. By hoof. The only consolation I could think of for these guys is that they had no supervision. I can only imagine that one of them was doodling dicks instead of actual snowflake patterns.

I barely registered anything Rainbow said, or anything Rarity did to distract the workers. Rarity was causing a drought apparently, so we got out of there pretty fast. Good thing, too. I felt like my eyes were freezing over without blinking.

Oh, of course, rainbows! You can't talk about the weather factory without mentioning the rainbows. How do you think rainbows are made? Water in the air refracting light into a natural laser light show? Hell no! Obviously it's some kind of industrial paint!

I'm sorry if I can't be more specific about what I saw, but I was rattled by seeing the unapologetic rape of everything I knew about meteorology. The whole time Rainbow gave us that tour, I was doing my damnedest not to pop a single one of the million questions that were rattling around my head, all of which were "WHAT!?"

Finally, something happened that I could understand. The only problem was that it was all at the expense of one of my friends. It started when we saw three ponies with that fucking Bieber-hair that I thought I finally escaped admiring Rarity's wings.

"Oh, where'd you get those amazing wings? I want a pair!" Gushed the brown one leading them.

...is it wrong of me to assume he's the gay one?

"Yeah, I guess I could see that." Rarity answered after a moment of consideration.

The leading brown guy looked over in our direction (with his hair, it was hard to tell exactly where he was looking). "Hey, look, it's Rainbow Crash again!" And suddenly, as much as I hated him for his hairstyle, I hated him even more.

The tan one, who was obviously a lackey, tried to come up with a follow-up to such a wicked burn, but he fumbled with it. "Yeah, Rainbow... umm... Crash!" Ugh, that was painful to listen to. I pitied someone that stupid.

"Rarity! What're you doing talking to these guys?" Rainbow demanded.

Rarity brushed off the question. "They were just admiring my wings, Rainbow Dash."

"Yeah, you should forget the Sonic Rainboom, and get yourself a pair of wings like those!" The leading brown guy laughed mockingly, and lead the other two dunces away, flying through the air.

I looked at Rainbow, and I noticed just how much that hurt my usually tough friend. I glared after the departing trio and yelled at them. "Yeah, that's right you cowards! You'd better run!"

They stopped in midair, and faced me. The looked amongst each other, and flew back down to confront me. "That's it, come back here, you bitches!" I taunted.

They landed and stared me down. The leader was the one to answer my confrontation. "What's your problem? We didn't do anything to you."

"Figures. If you slope-headed knuckle-draggers are attracted to shiny things, I shouldn't expect you to understand cause and effect." I pointed at Rainbow Dash, who was now deciding between shock and admiration at my actions. "You see her? She's a good friend of mine, and you just fucked with her." I looked back over to Rainbow. "Hey Rainbow? What happened to the last motherfucker that fucked with a friend of mine?"

"Uhh, you beat her up?" She replied unsurely.

I nodded my approval. "That's right, I kicked her ass. Now, do any of you pimple-dicks have the balls to fight me?" My gaze was challenging and my tone was harsh.

The guys looked amongst each other, only to find that they were all a little frightened by my ultra-violent nature. "You're crazy, dude! We're outta here!" They flew off in a hurry.

I chuckled mockingly. "Heh, the pussies." I turned back o my friends, who all had the mixed reactions I was expecting. Fluttershy was quivering, Applejack was unsure what to think, Pinkie was staring wide-eyed, Rarity was repulsed, and Rainbow Dash was grinning broadly. "Sorry you had to see that. But seriously, you saw me start a fist-fight with a griffin. You should have seen this coming."

I was surprised by an unexpected hug. Doubly unexpected was that it was from Rainbow Dash. "That was the coolest thing I've ever seen!"

I nervously returned the hug, patting her on the back. "Thanks, I don't get that a lot."

Rainbow held the hug for a moment, but then launched off of me when she realized what she was doing. "Uh, I mean, that was pretty cool. Not as cool as me, but still."

Her act wasn't fooling anybody, but I accepted the praise for what it was. "Sure."

Rainbow seemed to have returned to chipper spirits, and led us onward to another area of the weather factory. I haven't seen her smile that big since she was describing a trick she wanted to do. The others were giving me uncertain looks, but they shrugged it off after a while. Today wasn't about me, after all.

Sure, the day wasn't about me, but someone had the idea that it was about her. I'm not talking about Rainbow Dash, either (though that would be correct). As we toured the Cloud Production Facility, ponies were taking notice of a particular unicorn, and I'm not talking about myself. Rarity was flapping along with ever increasing glee at all the attention she was getting. Normally, I wouldn't be too worried about that, but Rainbow's recent optimism was quickly vanishing. In fact, she was fully worried.

I tapped her on the shoulder. "Are you okay, Rainbow?"

"Okay?" She replied shakily. "Y-yeah, totally! Why wouldn't I be okay? Everypony will be so focused on Rarity and her new wings, that nopony will see me fail!" She dropped to the floor and stared ahead with the same expression one expects from people who saw their own death in a dream.

Fluttershy was the first to reassure her that everything will be alright. I would have joined her, but my talents were best suited for confrontations. Which leads me to Rarity, who was encouraging the fascinated ponies to take pictures.

I flew up to her and not so gently tapped her shoulder. When she turned to me, she was met with a face of disappointment. "Rarity, may I ask what you're doing?"

"I'm just displaying my perfection, dear. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?" She asked, unsure of my purpose.

"Yes there is. You're showing off the wings I gave you at the expense of Rainbow Dash."

"Oh please, darling. She just has stage fright, that's all. I'm sure she'll be fine when she sees her friends supporting her."

My eyes narrowed. "You do remember that you're supposed to be cheering for her in the competition too, right?"

Our conversation was interrupted by some random bimbo in the crowd of ponies. "Hey yeah, you should compete in the Young Fliers Competition!"

I glared down at her for that remark, and while that shut her up, my Glare of Doom doesn't work on multiple people. An old bitch concurred at the proposed idea. "Yeah, I could watch you all day long."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I demanded from her. I turned to Rarity, but to my shock, she was actually considering their suggestion.

"Hmm, it would be such a shame if I couldn't show off as much of my wings as possible. I suppose I will compete."

I shook my head in disbelief. "You fucking what?"

Rarity didn't answer me, instead chiding me as she flew off. "I'm off to sign for the competition, despite what a few naysayers have to say."

I glared after Rarity, choosing not to follow her. I didn't want to stray to far from Rainbow Dash, who was getting more nervous than ever. I shook my hoof at the departing unicorn, and flew down to support my friend.

We separated from Rainbow Dash when the competition began. We took our seat on a vacant cloud, and watched a variety of performances. I'll admit, I was bored. I wasn't really into aerobatics, and I doubted that would change. I was only there because I wanted to cheer my friend, and until then, there was little that interested me. Well, I suppose I was surprised when Pinkie whipped out a foam finger. Pinkie startles me in new ways fairly frequently.

Thirteen contestants came out and did their thing, but I was the only one who wasn't really that excited. I was more concerned that Rainbow hasn't come out yet, though we all were. At that point, I told them that I was going to look for the contestant's lobby or whatever it's called. They wished me luck on my search, and I flew off.

I found the door I wanted in the corridor, but there was one problem: the was a security officer blocking the way. I didn't think it was much of a problem. I was just going to fast-talk my was past him.

"Excuse me," I began politely. "I need to get in there before I'm called out. Don't want to be disqualified, am I right?"

The officer was not impressed by my excuse. "Nice try, but all fifteen contestants are already inside."

Okay, no dice. This guy has apparently been paying better attention to his surroundings than I hoped. I doubted that another excuse would work, so I decided on telling the truth. "Okay, you got me. I was just hoping to speak to a friend of mine before she went out. Ease her stage fright, you know?"

The officer didn't budge, instead glaring at me. "Right. And then the rest of the competitors can't fly straight for some reason, am I right?" Oh, this guy was mocking me now.

"What the hell, man? Why do you think I'm up to no good?"

"You just tried to bluff your way in. I know you're a liar, so you must be up to something."

I growled. This guy was a shrewd son of a bitch. I'd need another ploy. "Fine, I'll just leave. Just let me fire up a teleport spell." I charged up my horn, but not with the spell I told him. Stupid sucker didn't think I was casting the Sleep spell, so he was momentarily surprised before he fell to the ground to take a little nap.

"You knew I was a liar, so why didn't you think I was lying about the teleport?" I chided the sleeping stallion. I opened the door behind him, and entered.

I looked around the room for my prismatic friend. The room was filled with ponies who I've already seen compete, and they were now relaxing and having pleasant conversation. I found Rainbow Dash, but she was huddled in a corner having an anxiety attack.

She didn't notice me approaching. "Nervous?"

She jumped at the sound of my voice. "Twilight? Oh no, don't tell me you're in the competition, too."

I waved away her concern. "No, I'm not here to compete. I only got by the guard because he was sleepy. The reason I'm here is to encourage you."

Rainbow sighed dejectedly. "I'm sorry, because you're wasting your time. I haven't been able to pull off the Sonic Rainboom. There's no way I can even compare to anypony here."

I cracked my neck and flexed my shoulders in preparation for the most stirring motivational speech I'll never give again. "Rainbow, there's a saying that fits perfectly well here: 'It's not the size of the dog that matters, but the size of the fight in the dog.' It's true that the odds seem stacked against you, but the first failure comes when you lose heart. Don't give up, Rainbow Dash. Don't accept defeat, don't surrender. As long as you draw breath, you can fight, and you can win."

Well, I must say that I'm proud of myself. Rainbow was no longer shaking in fear, but now looked like she was at least willing to try. "Thanks, Twilight. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come to support me." She chuckled. "It's funny, I've never heard that phrase before. Who said it?"

"I can't remember. What's important is the meaning of the words." I did know who said that, but I'd rather not have to explain who Mark Twain is. "Just remember, your friends are here to support you, no matter what."

The pegasus in charge of sending out the competitors approached us alongside Rarity. "There's only time for one more performance. If you both want to compete, you'll just have to go out there together." She informed.

Before we go any further, I just want to quickly comment on Rarity's appearance. To put it bluntly, she looked like a butterfly whore. I had no idea what possessed her to wear all that lipstick, mascara, and what have you. She put feathers in her hair, she was wearing some kind of anklets that only served to make her look expensive, and that dress she wore (where she got it, I'll never know) made her look more like a mantis. In the corner of my vision, I noticed Rainbow wincing in disgust. She wasn't alone with that sentiment.

"I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of changing our music. That 'rock and roll' doesn't really match my wings." Rarity said, flaunting her disgustingly ugly fashion to the arena.

I sighed at the ill-timed presence of Rarity. "Okay, most of us are cheering for you. Just remember, and this is probably the most important thing I can teach you right now, friends shouldn't be afraid to teach other friends a lesson." I pointedly glanced at Rarity.

Rainbow got the message loud and clear. "You got it, Twilight. Rarity won't know what hit her." Rainbow flew off into the arena.

I walked over to the balcony to watch the events. Now that my friends were out there, I was interested in the outcome.

Classical music was playing over the events, and let me tell you, nothing curbs reckless abandon like gentle music. It sucked. If there was a time where classical didn't apply, it was to an aerial acrobatics show. Rainbow tried her best with the given circumstances, but all eyes were on Rarity. Look, I don't know what the hell she was doing. She looked like she was performing for some kind of especially miserable ballet, only in midair. It was godawful.

Rainbow shot between pillars at blinding speed. She flew around a couple of clouds so fast that they were spinning in sync. But not matter what, she couldn't get a pop from the crowd. They were just so enthralled by Rarity's performance that they couldn't care less about what Rainbow did. Well, it was Rarity's wings that had their attention. If any of them cared about the performance itself, they would have needed a vomit bag handy.

It was hard to tell from a distance, but Rarity apparently decided to fly way up high and let her wings refract the light to dazzle everyone not immune to bullshit. But here's the thing about flying real high, especially in a world like Equestria, where the laws of physics don't mean shit: don't do that. Learn from the mistakes of Icarus, and don't get too close to the sun. But enough about Greek Mythology, because Rarity's wings caught fire, and instantly incinerated into ash. It would have been funny if it weren't so terrifying.

Without her wings to keep her aloft, Rarity plummeted. Her screams of terror filled the area, and she dropped below the clouds. As for what I did next, I don't really need to defend it. I had wings, I had magic, I had initiative. I plunged down after her. Rarity was kicking and screaming in fright, which was good for me, as she was slowing herself down enough for me to catch up. I narrowed my body into a missile, and accelerated faster than I usually cared to.

It's important to note that I'm not the only one who had the idea of catching Rarity. I wasn't really paying attention, but the Wonderbolts were apparently at the stadium to open, and they were elite fliers. Somehow, they fell faster than me, rocketing past and getting to Rarity first, long before I could. The next important thing to note was how Rarity was still kicking and screaming. This is problematic in a rescue mission, because she unwittingly kicked their asses. Great, so what was once me diving after one falling mare became an even more dangerous mission as the number of free-falling bodies quadrupled.

I fired up my horn, and reached out with my telekinesis. I grabbed the three Wonderbolts, who were now safe in my magic, but Rarity was not. She was just out of my range, and I needed to get closer. The ground was getting uncomfortably close, and I had little time to catch up to Rarity.

To my great relief, Rainbow Dash was also flying down to catch her. Even better, was when Rainbow cut through the air and did what I thought was impossible: breaking the sound barrier. With a thunderous roar, she shot down faster than physically possible, scooping up Rarity moments before her demise, also grabbing the Wonderbolts handily enough. Without having to maintain my levitation anymore, that let me focus on my next greatest concern.

Now, I'm not angry at Rainbow Dash or anything. Really, I understand that accidents happen, and when push comes to shove, you have to make a snap decision. I get that. I just really wish that when she did the Sonic Rainboom for the first time since pony kindergarten, she could have done it without launching me to the side like she's hitting me with a baseball bat.

So I'm flying out of control while Rainbow makes a rainbow over Cloudsdale. I hold out my wings and stabilize my flight path, so at least I'm no longer falling. Unfortunately, at that tremendous speed, I'm sure that the tree in front of me would have been lethal. With the reflexes and skill of someone about to die, I swerved out of the way of the incoming tree, and smacked into the side of a hill. That launched me into the air, where I fell out of control and into the woods. Naturally, I flew through the sharp branches and leaves, so when my momentum died down, I was covered in a plethora of stinging cuts.

Between the battering I took from the multiple landings and the cuts I got from the trees, I didn't really feel like moving away from my landing zone. "Great job, Rainbow Dash." I muttered. "You've saved Rarity. Now if only you could've saved me, too."

After smashing into the ground and careening through a bunch of trees, I was understandably exhausted. I flew back up to Cloudsdale, because my friends were up there and I had to let them know that I was okay. It wasn't easy, since flying takes up a lot more energy than I thought, and I had little to spare after nearly dying.

I grasped onto the edge of the clouds, and heaved myself up. I rolled onto my back and rested. I needed to catch my breath, and possibly find my friends soon. My worries were dispelled somewhat by hearing the voice of Princess Celestia. "Twilight? Are you alright?"

I wearily turned my head to find Celestia, Pinkie, Rarity (who was in a hot air balloon), Applejack, and Fluttershy looking at me with concern, no doubt from all of my scratches. "I guess I'm okay. I don't suppose anyone has an energy drink, though?"

"Ooh, I have one!" Pinkie rummaged through her mane, and threw a can at me, which I caught with a hoof.

The can called itself Manticore Energy Drink, boasting eight hours of hardcore energy. I popped it open with my magic and chugged the whole thing down without even sitting up. It was a skill I learned, though it made everyone watching a bit uncomfortable. I tossed the can aside and stood back up.

"So, where's Rainbow Dash?" I asked.

"I'd imagine she's having a wonderful time with the Wonderbolts right now." Celestia replied.

"Ah, so did she at least win the competition?"

"Seeing as how the grand prize was a day with the Wonderbolts, I'd say that's a safe bet."

Thank God. If I went through all that trouble and some other asshole won the competition, I'd be pissed. Before I could celebrate a personal victory, Celestia asked me a typical question for her. "So, my faithful student, did you learn anything about friendship from this experience?"

I nodded, but in my fatigue, my answer was anything but eloquent. "Yeah, I learned something. I learned that getting stabbed in the back hurts like a bitch for everybody."

Rarity winced at my word choice, and everyone else fearfully looked up at Celestia, expecting some kind of wrath from her. Instead, she took my words steadily. "I take you've had a bad day." She observed.

"Yeah, that sounds about right."

Celestia smiled in a way that I think was supposed to be reassuring. "Then I shall take up no more of your time. I wish you and your friends a pleasant day." With that, she departed.

After a moment of silence, Rarity spoke up with a concern of hers. "So, I take it you're upset with me?" She asked. The question was directed at me.

I thought about it with a blank look on my face. "...I'll get over it. This isn't the worst I've ever been hurt for the sake of my friends."

"Oh, please let me know if there's anything I can do to make it up to you!"

Well, I could think of one thing. "I'd feel a lot better if I could ride in the balloon with you."

Rarity smiled. "Of course, darling."

I hopped in the balloon's basket and rested against the side. As the balloon flew off to Ponyville with the others flying around us, I relaxed to enjoy the ride. Little did I know that later that week, Rarity would find a way to earn my favor, no matter how unnecessary it was.

Dogs Suck, Cats Are Better

Author's Note

So I have new cover art. I've gotten one "request" to take it down, so what do the rest of you think? Should it stay, or go the way of discarded Twix wrappers?

Dogs Suck, Cats Are Better

Days after the competition, Spike and I were leaving the library. "I'm going to Rarity's, see you later!" Spike said, bidding farewell.

"Have fun over there. I'll be running at Whitetail Woods." We waved goodbye for the time being, and went our separate ways.

I wasn't privy to any of the details of Spike's obvious crush on Rarity, but hey, things might change today. He might confess his feelings, after all. Then again, that would leave a heartbroken Spike to deal with. Maybe I should get some gems while I was out.

Anyway, this was the day that I would work on my cardio. I've done a little running before then, but I still needed some work. I figured that if I could run the trail in Whitetail Woods and barely get winded, I'd be in good shape. So I was running the trail, and planned to for a while.

I got to Whitetail Woods, and how else can you describe it besides green? The foliage was as thick as the Everfree, but not as sickly looking, with the added bonus of being nowhere as annoying to travel. Unlike the Everfree, Whitewood's trail was maintained very well. Little debris from the surrounding trees were on the path, and it was clear of the vines that plagued the forest. With all that in mind, Whitetail Woods was perfect for a little running.

I started on the path, running with reservation. I was working on my endurance; my speed could improve later. I would say that I ran with no problems, but as I stated before, this body wasn't used for any physical pursuits. I'd bet the real Twilight has never exercised before, because I felt like I was unaccustomed to running for so long. And by "for so long", I mean two minutes. C'mon, I've seen ponies on treadmills for hours at a time! You mean to tell me that Twilight was so out of shape that she can't even go for a few minutes? Yeah, as long as I'm in this body, that's going to change.

I pushed myself as hard as I could, thundering down the path like I was on a mission. That was partly true, as I was on a mission of sorts, but I meant a more urgent mission. Like the woods were on fire, or I was being chased by a giant falcon, or something like that. Try as I might, I couldn't last longer than five minutes without my legs buckling from under me. So I tumbled onto the ground, coming to a rest a little down the trail, panting at the mercy of my aching lungs, legs, and spirit.

Yep, this day of exercise was a true killer. I'll have to do it again, sometime.

I may have run for five minutes, but I didn't catch my breath for ten, during which a few ponies stopped by to ask if I was okay. Eventually, I made it back to Ponyville. I bought a sports drink, the red one because I have taste, and drank it on my way back to the library. On my way, I found the most beautiful thing I've seen in months: a bar. Yes! Alcohol does exist! Pinkie Parties, prepare to get a lot more interesting!

Until then, I was still really tired from my run, so I took a break from walking home. I plopped onto a bench, sitting like a human being. I didn't care; I was tired and I wasn't really thinking about appearances. Occasionally sipping at my drink, I didn't fail to notice a mint green unicorn give me a look. She cantered over and plopped onto the bench, sitting exactly as I was. "You too, huh?" She asked with a smile.

I didn't know what to think of this. This stranger of a unicorn sits right next to me as if we were old buddies or something. And what was with that question? "You too?" Did that mean she sits like this as well?

Wait, what is it about this seating position? I only sat like this because it's how a human normally sits. But this new girl shouldn't be sitting like this, because she isn't a...

Oh my God.

With a new level of understanding for this mare, I nod. "Yeah, me too."

The green unicorn laughed with good nature. "Wow, I didn't think anypony else sat like this." I thought that was a weird statement, but I thought nothing of it. Seriously, I still couldn't get used to the word "anypony". The unicorn extended a hoof in greeting. "They call me Lyra Heartstrings."

I smiled knowingly and accepted her hoof. "They call me Twilight Sparkle."

With a shake of our hooves, she sat back and settled in. "So you've been here for a few months now, huh? How's Ponyville been treating you?"

I shrugged. "It could be better. I've been getting a handle on my magic, but I think I've been making some breakthroughs."

"So you're studying magic? That's good. A unicorn needs her magic."

I nodded my agreement. "Yeah, I know just how hard it is to be a unicorn in this world without knowing how to use it. That was pretty painful stuff."

Lyra chuckled in amusement. "Yeah, we all know what that's like at some point in our lives. When I was a filly, my parents could keep the cookie jar on the counter, since I couldn't reach it without a step-ladder."

Damn, "Lyra" was in this form since she was a foal? Considering her current age, she was here for years! "So you've been here for a while, huh?" I asked sympathetically.

"Mm-hmm." She nodded vigorously. "Ponyville's my home." So she's been here for so long that she's given up on leaving? What a trooper she must be! "So what kind of magic do you do? I found that I'm good with lyres."

I mentally saluted this brave woman for her bravery in the face of true adversity, and proudly proclaimed my specialization. "I have discovered my affinity for transmutations."

Lyra gasped in excitement. "Wow, really? So can you turn into a human?"

I shook my head with disappointment. "Not yet, I'm afraid. I've only been able to make temporary wings."

Lyra's expression fell. "Aw man, and I've been wanting to see a human up close, too."

Her statement caught me. You mean to tell me that she wasn't a human in the same situation as me? She's just some unicorn in Equestria who's favorite mythical creature is a human? That was... such a shame. And here I thought I found a kindred spirit.

With that bit of dashed hope, I figured I would just get out of there. "Well, it was nice talking to you, Lyra, but I need to get back to the library. See ya around."

"Bye!" She waved goodbye and I cantered away faster than usual. I didn't have anything against Lyra, it's just that I was a little upset with how my conversation played out and I wanted to isolate myself back into relative peace and quiet.

I made it back to the library and I summoned my keys back from inside the house. Just as I inserted the key, I was distracted by someone running up to me from behind. It was Spike, and he looked really out of breath. He huffed and puffed, trying to catch his breath in order to tell me something.

Realizing that he was getting nowhere fast, I offered him my sports drink. "Want some?" He greedily snatched it away and gulped the rest of it down with impressive speed.

Tossing away the empty bottle, he regained his breath to speak his mind. "Quick, Twilight, help! Rarity was taken away by diamond dogs! We gotta save her!"

My mind was blank at the revelation of Spike's. Considering there were dragons that occasionally terrorized Equestria, it was hardly a surprise that there would be raiders somewhere in the world. I just didn't didn't expect them to be so close to Ponyville. What really sparked my thunder was that one of my friends was allegedly abducted.

I didn't need to be told anything else. Spike was there, and he must have seen it happen himself. I threw him onto my back and broke into a full sprint down the road. I was going to gather my friends, get Rarity, and make these bastards pay.

I thundered along the road, instructing Spike to call for the girls as I passed. I wasn't going to stop running; we were on the clock. We found Pinkie first, which was fortunate as she was the best at finding other ponies. I followed her, and we found the others very quickly. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Applejack followed along, as Spike explained what happened in a bit more detail.

Spike was helping Rarity dig for gems, when they were confronted by one of these "diamond dogs". They were after gems, but from what Spike told us, it sounded like they wanted Rarity to find gems for them.

"We hunt for gems. But you are a better hunter. So now we hunt... for you!" That sounds an awful lot like slavers, to me.

I skid to a halt at our destination. We stood near the only trees in the area, beyond us was nothing but dirt and rocks. The only thing noteworty about this barren land of nothing was the holes in the ground.

I've spent the whole day up to that point running, and my ragged breathing was apparent. The others took notice of my overwhelming fatigue. Rainbow voiced her concern first. "Are you alright? You don't look so good."

I roughly shook my head. "I'll be fine... let's just focus. Rarity needs our help."

"Maybe you should take a breather, Twi. You look like yer ready to pass out." Applejack suggested.

I stomped defiantly forward, desire to save my friend taking priority over me. "I will not rest for as long as Rarity is held by slavers! Once she's rescued, then we'll talk about naptime."

Considering my behavior up to that point, no one thought to question me. Rationally, I knew that our chances would have been better had I rested, but I was far from caring at the time. I was restless.

With no other options in mind, I peered down one of the holes. I couldn't see the bottom. How deep was this goddamn hole? I would have tested that had I not been interrupted by a pair of glowing yellow eyes glaring up at me. Suspecting I knew who the owner of those eyes, I glared right back. "Come on up pussycat, or I'll come down there and neuter you!"

The eyes narrowed in anger, and they threw a patch of dirt in my face. I stepped back and quickly shook it off. When I opened my eyes again, the hole was completely filled in. I couldn't believe it. Somehow, that fucker could work fast enough to fill a bottomless pit in the time it takes me to recover from getting blasted in the face with some sand. But if he could close these holes that fast...

I yelled out to my friends. "Quick, find a hole and descend before they're all closed!" We scattered about the field, running for any of the holes.

I dove after another, but I crashed into a sudden mound of dirt. I landed on my face, go figure, and I looked around to see how my friends were doing. They weren't faring any better. Applejack was running straight for them, but she wasn't fast enough. "Arrgh, we can't just muscle through!" She growled.

Rainbow Dash, self-proclaimed fastest pony in Equestria, took that as a challenge. "We'll see about that!" She rose high into the air, and shot down like a torpedo. As fast as she was, she was no match for the speed of the diamond dogs. She stopped inches away from colliding with a recently filled hole that was empty just a moment before.

With Fluttershy not even getting close to the holes before flying dirt startled her away, and Pinkie face-planting every single time, it was obvious that we were getting nowhere with this plan. Looking around, Applejack sighed. "Now ah'm used to pickin' myself up and dustin' myself off, but Rarity won't even touch mud 'less it's imported. Ah can only imagine what she's goin' through, right about now."

The others stared up in thought, presumably imagining just that. While they shuddered at the musings of their own minds, I was pretty sure that Rarity would be alright for at least another hour or two. If we were lucky, Rarity wouldn't even be touched until tomorrow morning. By now, I got my breath back and I looked around for another hole to try. There were still plenty to choose from.

Think "Twilight", think! We know we can't use speed to overcome them, so what else should we try? I thought that if they we faster than us, then what if they didn't know to react? That's it! We'll use stealth!

I slowly crept towards one of the remaining holes, careful not to make a single noise. I peered down into its depths. Perfect, I couldn't see anyone! I jumped into it, and fell for a little while. Things were going swimmingly for me, until something suddenly grabbed me. "Nice try, pony." It commented with a gravelly voice. Whatever it was threw me back outside. I fell back down after some impressive air-time, and landed right back down onto a newly filled hole.

I punched it in frustration, shooting pain up through my hoof. I didn't care; I was getting too pissed. Being sneaky was usually my go-to strategy for everything, and it just failed. I went over to my friends, who were making another plan.

Applejack came up with another plan. "Ah say we try diggin' 'em out!" The others voiced their agreement with this, but I silently shook my head. What did we just establish about brute force? If subterfuge wouldn't work, then why would strength?

With my noodly arms and legs, I doubted I would be much help digging, but I could watch over my friends as they worked. If the dogs wouldn't let us just jump down, there was no way they would let us dig to them. As I suspected, once they began digging, I noticed a few of the dogs popping up. It figures that the name "diamond dogs" would be halfway literal, as they were monstrous dogs with big claws. They looked mean, too. If ever there was a punchable creature, this was it.

I knew he would interfere, so I ran straight at him. He pulled Pinkie's tail and snapped it back into her like a rubber band. I lunged at him, but he retreated back into the earth before I could grab him. Pinkie was okay, so while she got her bearings, I watched for any more dogs. I barely heard Fluttershy squeak when one of the dogs picked her up. I rushed over as fast as I could, but he dropped her and retreated before I could even pounce. Rainbow and Applejack were playing a pitiful game of whack-a-mole, before eventually colliding with each other.

"Okay, this isn't working either." I sighed. I expected as much. Force was never something I was good at.

"Oh, what can we do? These scary monsters are everywhere! I can only imagine how scared Rarity must be." Fluttershy worried.

I rolled my eyes as everyone imagined just that with worried expressions, staring up into space. So they were being distracted again, so it fell to me to think of something. We've tried speed, force, and stealth, so what else could we possibly try? Magic, maybe? That would work, since magic is the ultimate cheat mode, but the only problem with that is that I don't know any spells that could really help. Well, not unless there's a door that needs locking. I could use an Energy Beam, but I would need them to sit still long enough for that to work.

"I got it!" Spike proclaimed. I looked over, startled to see Spike with a shining blue gem I was absolutely positive he didn't have before. "Hey Pinkie, do you have a fishing rod and some string I could borrow?"

"Sure thing, Spike!" She pulled the items in question out from her mane, somehow, and handed them to Spike.

"I'll save you, my sweet." He muttered as he tied the gem to the rod. I rolled my eyes at Spike's melodramatic mutterings.

Still, when I saw what his plan was, I couldn't help but pat him on the head and say "Good thinking, kid." We were baiting these assholes. When they grab the gem, we would either follow them down or force them to grant us entry. Depends on how this plays out, of course. Pretty impressive thinking from someone who was essentially a toddler.

Spike smiled with a little embarrassment at my praise, and threw the gem over to one of the remaining holes. We sat in wait behind some rocks, watching the nothing happening in front of us.

We sat there for a while.

Seriously, this is why I don't like fishing. All you have to do for a long period of time is to let your mind wander. I wasn't the one who was thinking too hard, though; it was Spike who was lost in his thoughts. With the way he was swaying in place and almost muttering, I figured he was day-dreaming. Not such a bad thing most of the time, but that changed when he leaned forward with his lips out for a kiss. Important to mention here was how I was sitting right next to him, and he was leaning in my direction. Of course his eyes were closed, otherwise he would have stopped when he noticed me freaking out.

I placed a hoof on his head to stop him, and he opened his eyes to see me giving him one of those looks he so casually sends my way. "Dude, relax."

Spike smiled sheepishly and returned his attention to the task at hand. Just in time, too, as he got a bite. I only knew this because he screamed "Whoawhoawhoawhoa I got a bite!" as the pole dragged him away. Now, I wasn't just gonna let Spike get abducted by these hounds, so I grabbed a hold of him and tried to stand firm where we were. Considering these dogs can throw a whole pony like a smaller than average stone, would you be surprised if I said that my assistance was no help? Applejack grabbed me next, but she didn't help much, either. I tumbled down the hole with Spike at this point, but I could still tell that the others were trying to pull us back. If Applejack, of all ponies, couldn't over-power a diamond dog, then I doubted Fluttershy was the game changing strongman to turn the tides.

Looking from the outside of the hole, I wouldn't have expected much from the tunnels. Now that I was going through one, I could fully appreciate how archaic diamond dog tunneling patterns could be. Most species with some sort of mining protocols would have shafts with ladders or platforms leading down to allow easy travel in either direction. Judging by the diamond dogs' layout, they said "fuck it" and just dug down into the earth in such a haphazard way as to accidentally make slides.

After a minute of fearful screaming and Pinkie's inappropriately silly giggling, most of us ground-bound folk face-planted on the unforgiving rocky floor. As for the pegasi, those fortunate ponies alighted with the softest of steps. At least physical trauma seems negligible in Equestria, otherwise I would have been a cripple in at least three separate instances by this point.

"Ha ha, it worked! We're in! Now we can finally save Rarity!" Spike cheered, even more unfazed than the rest of us.

We were in a small chamber with many tunnels leading out, flickering torchlight illuminating the caves. Not all of the exits to the chamber were level with us. "Which way do we go?" I wondered out loud.

"Ah guess we'll just have to search 'em one by one." Applejack suggested.

"Ugh, that'll take forever! There has to be a way to narrow it down." Rainbow groaned.

"I'll bet they have her down the tunnel with the most gems." Spike guessed.

"Alright, does anyone here know how to do any prospecting? Because otherwise, we'll have to resort to other methods." I said.

"Don't you know any gem-finding spells, like Rarity does?" Spike asked.

"I don't even know a single divination."

Spike gave me a perplexed look. "Don't you know a spell that detects magic?"

I narrowed my eyes in frustration. The things I have to deal with when living with this guy... "I don't know any useful divinations. At the very least, we can exclude searching any of the elevated tunnels, since even they would have trouble carrying Rarity up there. That narrows it down to five tunnels. If these dogs are as dumb as their tunnel structure indicates, they shouldn't be too labyrinthine for us to follow."

"Laba-what?" Rainbow asked.

I sighed. Sometimes it sucks having a huge vocabulary. "Winding or complex in layout. Meaning it won't take very long to search five tunnels."

"Then we'd best get to lookin'!" Applejack declared.

"Lead on!" I followed Applejack down one of the tunnels. Hey, I was just glad that someone else was taking the lead this time. With any luck, we would find Rarity soon.

We traveled down the tunnel keeping a sharp eye on our surroundings. There wasn't much to look at, but consider we were in the territory of a species who was really good at burrowing. At least I was the only one on edge about possible traps, the others didn't seem to consider this.

There's little to say about these same-y corridors and blank walls. They were rock walls in a cave, what else can I say? That no matter how far we go, I can't find the torches giving off light? That they were gray? I was just glad that we haven't been jumped yet.

I couldn't say just how long we walked down a blank, empty corridor, but we finally got some confirmation that we were going the right way. Down the way, we heard sobbing from a familiar source. "That's Rarity! Let's go!" Rainbow declared, breaking into a sprint. We ran after her, eager to rescue our friend.

We came across a chamber with even more exits than the first. One of the exits was blocked by a door with a conspicuous lock. I growled in frustration. "Great, now we have to find a fucking key."

Before anyone could say anything to that, we were jumped. Upon each of us, a diamond dog hopped on and put ropes over out muzzles. "More work horses." One dumbly declared.

Holy shit, was I offended by that. I was a pony (at the time), so how else could I react to something that was probably a racial slur and a declaration of my captivity? "You did not just say that, you dead motherfucker."

The others took my defiance to mean that we should buck these guys away. Sure, while they did the standard pony thing and shook them off, I just levitated a rock the size of my head. There's no more satisfying way of dismounting a bastard than smashing his face with a rock.

The other diamond dogs flew off my friends, and decided that they had no balls, and scampered off. The guy who assaulted me, sporting a nasty bruise on his snout, was not so quick. He was too busy being disoriented from my attack. Prone on the ground and out of his wits, I snarled at his fallen form. I wasn't done with him.

The others watched me curiously, as I stalked over the fallen dog. He shook his head to regain his bearings, but for naught as I punched him right in the bruise. He yelped and tried to scramble away, but unfortunately for him, I knew that I could use my levitation on living creatures. I effortlessly dragged him by the ankle back to me. I punched him in the ankle, and he yelped in pain. While he grabbed his hurting ankle, I stomped his other ankle. He pushed me away with one arm and tried to scramble away again, but I wasn't going to let him escape. I lunged at him and smashed into his chest.

This latest attack took his breath away, which opened him up for any amount of punishment I saw fit. That was good, since I wasn't too happy about him trying to enslave us, and I wanted to hurt him a lot. So I threw punches at whatever was open: his face, his stomach, his pelvis (I didn't say crotch! I promised not to do that anymore!), whatever. If it was open, I punched it.

It was almost sad how helpless he was to my assault, especially considering how strong diamond dogs are. It got to the point where he couldn't even hold up his arms to defend himself, yet I still kept punching him. Thinking things were getting excessive, Rainbow and Applejack pulled me away kicking wildly at the dog. "Whoa whoa, take it easy, you got him!" Rainbow said, trying to calm me.

"I'm not done, yet! I won't stop until he's the only dog wearing an eye-patch!" I struggled to break free, but Rainbow and Applejack easily kept me in place. It was just then I realized how out of breath I was.

"Look, I get that yer upset about Rarity and all, but now's not the time to get all worked up about one dog! Let's just get Rarity, and leave before you do somethin' you regret!" Applejack ordered.

I stopped struggling, panting while nodding. "Alright, we'll do it your way." Convinced I was done, they let me go. I feigned as if I was going to follow them to the door, but I turned and ran at the fallen dog again. Before either of them could react, I lunged at him again and punched him across the face. "There, now I'm done."

Applejack glared slightly at me, but our attention was grabbed by a cacophony of shattering glass past the door. Worried about my friend inside, I ran for the door. "Oh shit, Rarity!" I rattled the door, but it would open. "Shit! How are we going to open this without the key?" I looked around the room for something I could use, and my eyes fell on the fallen dog. I couldn't help but smile evilly.

"Hey Applejack, remember how I said I was done with that dog?"

Applejack eyed me suspiciously. "Yeah, why?"

I marched over to the dog and tried to lift him. But he was too heavy, so I grabbed him with my levitation. I dragged him to the door, and smashed him through it. "I lied."

Applejack glared at me, but said nothing. I charged through the now open door, my friends following me in. What we found was... not what we were expecting.

Three diamond dogs ran at us and fell to their knees, pleading. "Save us! Please, save us! Make it stop! Please!"

I was understandably confused at this sudden turn of events. "What the hell are you talking about? We came here to kick your asses!"

"Do whatever you want! Just please, take her away!" One begged.

"She's so picky!" One whined.

"And critical!" Another added.

"She won't stop talking!"

"And crying!"

I looked back to my friends questioningly, but they merely shrugged. The one we came to rescue, Rarity, walked over to greet us with a nonchalant smile. "Hello, girls! You're just in time to assist me."

"With what?" Applejack asked.

"With those." Rarity pointed at six carts filled way over the top with valuable gemstones, glittering enticingly.

I nodded my approval. "Well I'll be damned. You made these dogs want you gone more than anything, and you managed to take a king's ransom worth of gems all on your own? Rarity, I think you're my favorite friend."

Rarity chuckled bashfully. "Oh, you're just saying that." The dogs in the room winced at that phrase, for some reason.

I shrugged. "If you say so. C'mon girls, let's rightfully steal these gems from this colony of bitches."

"I doubt there's a need for such vulgar language." Rarity commented.

I hooked myself up to one of the carts, the others following suit. "They're dogs. It was more a pun than anything else."

Rarity rolled her eyes, and we pulled the carts away. The dogs conveniently told Rarity where the exit was. How nice of them.

Rarity noticed the unconscious diamond dog from earlier. "Oh my, what happened to him?"

I was about to answer, but Applejack spoke first. "Don't ask. Twi here can be awfully scary when she wants to be."

Rarity looked at me for confirmation. "What? They attacked us first." I said in my defense.

As we walked forward, everyone chatting, I thought about what lead up to this. Rarity was in that barren area looking for gems, but why? Couldn't she find gems anywhere else (and that's a question I can only ask in Equestria)? I decided to ask, even if the answer would be underwhelming. "So Rarity, why did you go gem hunting past the woods? Couldn't you have gone somewhere easier?"

"Well, I could have, but I just wanted to make sure I found enough gems. They are very copious around here, you know." She replied.

"It sounds like you have a special project in mind." I observed. "What're you working on that needs so many gems?"

"Oh, I was just running low, is all."

That was a suspiciously simple answer. Rarity was definitely hiding something. "Is that really all? Because I still think you're working on something big."

Rarity half-smiled. "True enough, I suppose. I just wanted to apologize for the Young Flyer Competition, so I thought I would make something fabulous for you."

I sighed. "You don't need to do that. I'm not angry at you."

Rarity wasn't going to accept that. "But I ruined the competition with which you were working so hard to help, and you got hurt! I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try to make up for it!"

"I get hurt all the time." I countered. "Besides, you're my friend, and we all make mistakes. Really, it's okay."

"I'd feel better if I could do something, though."

"Well I'd feel better if we could move on."

Rarity's face contorted into a pout. "Please? I just want to apologize."

"I don't want you to feel like you have to buy my friendship." I resolved. "If you're worried that I'm still upset about the competition, then let me show you that I'm not. Let's just spend some time together and you'll see that it's far and away from my mind."

Rarity smiled. "That sounds lovely. But at least let me buy lunch."

I glanced back at the many gems we were hauling with a chuckle. "Yeah, okay."

We nodded to each other in understanding. While it seemed that things between me and Rarity would be alright, I noticed Spike was staring at me from the corner of my vision. I was used to the looks he gave me on occasion, but he's never been so intent on me before. I could only hope that he wasn't catching on, but that was likely a lost cause by now.

Spike lay in his basket, wide awake despite the late hour. All was quiet in the bedroom, even Twilight Sparkle lying on the side of her face. The room was nearly pitch black, with the exception of the moon's light filtering through the window. Spike could see very well in this light, of course. All the better for him to stare at the object of his perplexity.

Twilight Sparkle. She was being very odd, lately. Spike knew this. Ever since they first arrived in Ponyville, she's been acting differently. At first, Spike chalked it up to meeting new ponies or getting some fresh air for the first time in forever. When she was blunt and curt, he merely thought it was because she was asocial and didn't know any better. When she got really angry to the point of starting fights, Spike just assumed that she wasn't used to dealing with anger.

Twilight Sparkle was strange, but that didn't explain how she could be so cruel.

In many ways, it seemed like Twilight became a lot more friendly and outgoing than she used to be. She went on adventures with her new friends, went to the gym, practiced new magic, and mellowed out considerably. Spike just assumed that was all because of her new friendships.

But friendship doesn't explain how she could savagely beat someone. Fighting was one thing, but Spike absolutely refused to believe that Twilight could ever attack a helpless victim. Or should he say, the real Twilight.

If this "Twilight" was an imposter, it explained everything. No obnoxious checklists, not freaking out over unorganized work spaces, the explosive anger, the constant swearing, the absence of re-shelving day. Spike was personally glad about that last one, but it was awfully strange of Twilight to never even consider it. It would explain why Twilight seemed to hate magic more than anything. It would explain why she kept saying these weird phrases that insinuated that she was actually a guy, or not even a pony.

Once Spike considered this, he just couldn't stop looking at her differently. She's been acting the same since two months ago, but something just seemed sinister about "Twilight's" actions now. She accepted Rarity's apology easily, but that now seemed like "Twilight" was forcing cohesion between them. At lunch, when Sapphire Shores approached Rarity for the luckiest work order of her career, "Twilight" joined in on the jubilation. But with the thought of "Twilight" savagely beating a helpless diamond dog, Spike doubted the sincerity.

No, Twilight would never beat down an injured creature for any reason. Whoever this... creature was, they were wearing a mask, putting on a flimsy facade that only runs skin-deep. Spike stared at the imposter unicorn with the same question that was on his mind since leaving the caves.

"Who are you?"

Ration of Fashion Passion

The front door slammed shut. The time was perfect for Spike to begin his investigation.

"Twilight's" odd behavior was glaringly obvious now. The whole time at breakfast, she kept offering to cook some strange food items. Bacon? Ha! As if there was any such thing! It was probably some kind of monster snack. Busted, imposter!

Now that the imposter left to spend some quality time with her "friends", that left Spike on his own to look around for clues. As the real Twilight taught him, you must gather evidence before you can prove something. Spike knew Twilight was missing; he just needed to prove it.

He began his search in the most likely place to find evidence: the bedroom. The imposter didn't leave anything out in the library's main floor that he knew of, which left the bedroom as the better alternative. Spike scanned his eyes over the bedroom. Twilight's bed wasn't made. This should have been one of Spike's first clues that Twilight was fake. That bed hasn't been made one single time since arriving in Ponyville. The real Twilight would never leave something so messy; unless she was stressed out over something. This Twilight never seemed to stress over anything, so that explanation was insufficient.

Spike would've loved to use this as proof, but he knew circumstantial evidence when he saw it. Twilight always told him that circumstantial evidence was useless at proving something.

Now that he thought about it, Twilight taught him a lot of "useless" things that were coming in handy today.

Spike skipped past the beds and went straight for the desk. It was bare, with the exception of a few spell books on top. Nothing about them was too strange, except for the possible fact that they were about transmutations. Didn't this Twilight clone say that her specialization was transmutations? That was obviously wrong. The real Twilight was gifted in enchantment. Strike two, buddy.

While that information on specialties was noteworthy, the books themselves weren't the kind of proof he needed. He rummaged through the shelves on the desk. It didn't take him long to find something interesting, as the desk didn't store any massive amounts of notes that one would expect. There was only one conspicuous paper in the top shelf with a list of spells.

Sleep (enchantment)
Energy Bolt (evocation)
Ignite (evocation)
Lock (abjuration)
Least Object Calling (conjuration)
Flight (transmutation)
Enlarge Object (transmutation)
Shrink Object (Note: Very Important!)
Modify Color (transmutation)
Locate Gems (divination)

Spike thought back to the day before the Young Fliers Competition, remembering that Twilight first learned the Flight spell at that time. Come to think of it, Twilight had been learning the last four spells on the list for the past two days. Could this be a list of all the new spells Twilight was learning, or the list of all the spells that the imposter knew? Spike would have to keep this document in mind.

How do I get myself into these situations?

Rarity told me to meet her at this particular address so we could "spend some time together". She never told me where the address would lead me, but once I got there, I think I knew why that was.

It was the spa. Goddammit, Rarity.

Well, I couldn't just leave now that I was here, right? Besides, I told her that I'd come, so I might as well stay. I went inside, entering into the waiting room. Behind the counter on the far side of the room was who I assumed to be a staff member, and sitting on a little sofa was a pony I was not expecting to see: Fluttershy.

The ringing of the door bell got her attention as I entered, and she looked up from the magazine she was reading. "Oh, hello Twilight. Are you here for a spa day, too?"

"Apparently." I grumbled in response. I didn't see Rarity anywhere, so I sat across from Fluttershy. "I didn't take you for the spa type."

"Rarity talked me into it one day. I've been going to the spa with her every week since then."

Lovely. So Rarity was trying to get me into going to the spa every week, too? This trip was going to be a disaster. Keeping me from moping, Fluttershy spoke up with another question. "Are you going to be joining us?"

"I guess, since Rarity wanted me to come with her. So the three of us will all be together?"

Fluttershy nodded. "I'm sure you'll love it."

Right. The entrance bell chimed again, this time by a hurried Rarity. She skid to a halt right beside Fluttershy. I was more distracted by the feathery green hat she wore than by how rushed she was. Believe me, it was an awful hat. "I'm so sorry for my tardiness." She said. She looked at me and smiled. "Ah, I see you decided to come."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "You tricked me into coming here." I accused.

"A lady does not deceive with mere trickery." She denied in a haughty tone.

"Call it what you will, but you still brought me here. I've even told you why I don't like this girly stuff. Remember? At the sleepover?"

Rarity adopted a smug look. "You told me to treat you like any of my friends, and I like to treat my friends to an evening at the spa."

I silently fumed at her rebuttal, but I couldn't exactly argue with that. "...You're lucky that you are one of the five people who can talk me into these things."

"I'm sure you'll love it." She replied, turning to the pony behind the counter. "The usual, plus one!"

The mare gasped in excitement and scampered to the back. While I was worried about what the "usual" was and how it could audibly excite someone, my worry was interrupted by the pony returning with three fuzzy white robes and a pink towel. She handed one off to me, and I just stared uncertainly at it.

"You're supposed to put it on." Rarity helpfully told me.

"Yeah, I kinda figured as much." I blandly retorted. With a small twist in my facial features, I gingerly put on the robe. I had to admit, it was a very comfortable robe. If I could ever find one that didn't have pink on it, I'd likely wear one at home. Not that I'd say that to Rarity; I was still dead set on hating the spa.

The spa pony led us to a wooden room, and closed the door behind us. Rarity and Fluttershy sat on the room's benches, so I followed them. I wondered what this room could be for, before the room's temperature went up. Steam filled the room, which I found worrying, but it didn't seem to bother anyone else. I kept my mouth shut on the matter, though I glowered at the steam.

"You would not believe what happened to me on my way here." Rarity said. Good, something to distract me from getting steamed like a vegetable.

"What happened? Nothing bad, I hope." Fluttershy asked.

"On the contrary. Who should stop me on my way here, other than the famed Photo Finish?"

Photo Finish was a name, right? It was hard to tell for me at times. I swear I met a pony named Sunset Eclipse, and I didn't know what to think of it. Fluttershy asked for clarification before I could.

"Photo Finish is the most famous fashion photographer in all of Equestria. It turns out that she was greatly impressed by my work on Sapphire Shores' outfits, so she came to see me!" Rarity squeed. "And she especially loved my hat!"

My God, there are ponies who are into that kind of craptastic headwear? I sure hope I never meet this "Photo Finish". I made sure to keep this sentiment to myself, instead complimenting Rarity's good fortune. "Nice. I'm sure this will set you up for quite a while."

"Indeed, it shall. But I'll need a model." Rarity eyed me questioningly.

"Oh, hell no. You're not tricking me into modelling. It's bad enough you brought me here."

"Aren't you enjoying the sauna?" She asked.

Well, now that she mentioned it, I realized I was sweating my theoretical balls off. "It's too hot in here."

Rarity deadpanned. "It's a sauna. It's supposed to be hot."

"Yeah, and I don't like it."

Rarity sighed. "Fine, I won't force you into modelling. Besides, I need somepony with the utmost beauty and grace. No offense to you, darling, but you have too much in common with Rainbow Dash or Applejack to make for a good model."

"And thank God for that."

"I need somepony with elegance and poise." She turned to Fluttershy. "Like you, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy shrunk down a little. "Um... I don't know..."

"Please? I would mean so much to me!" Rarity pleaded.

"I'm flattered, but..."

"Please?"

"But there has to be somepony more qualified..."

"Please?"

"Somepony more comfortable in the spotlight?"

Ugh, this was getting nowhere. I might as well intervene, if it means one less problem to deal with later. "Don't worry about it, Fluttershy. We'll be there to support you the whole time." As long as I'm not the model.

Fluttershy looked between myself and Rarity, visibly gaining confidence from two of her friends. "Okay, I'll do it. For you, Rarity. I won't let either of you down."

I pumped a hoof triumphantly. "'Atta girl!"

Rarity briefly hugged Fluttershy in gratitude. "Thank you so much! You're the best friend a pony could ask for!"

Whew, that was a close one. I wiped some sweat off of my head with relief, but the heat of the sauna made it return just as fast. Or maybe it was just the humidity caking me with moisture. It was hard to tell, really. It's not like I know anything about saunas.

Soon enough, our time in the sauna was over, and it was time for facials. Rarity and I got mud masks covering our faces, with the cucumber slices over our eyes. It was just like at the sleepover, during which I remember not really minding it all that much. It was a lot like wearing a regular mask, only without eyeholes and it makes you feel pretty.

Not that I really like that, or anything.

Rarity and Fluttershy spoke about celebrities and fashion and that kind of thing. Well, it was mostly Rarity doing the talking, as I doubted Fluttershy read any gossip magazines like Rarity did. Strange, it seemed to me like Rarity was spreading the same gossip as at the sleepover, with a few names replaced. I think her gossip mags might run on pre-generated stories. Hell, that's what ESPN does back home.

Next, we were seated onto some kind of chairs I couldn't see (cucumber slices, remember). I heard a slight scraping noise from Rarity that I couldn't rightly identify. At least, not until a spa pony scraped a file onto my horn. I gasped and recoiled away from the sudden sensation. As the scraping from Rarity continued, I figured it was in my best interest to just let it happen. As the file rubbed against my horn, I remembered the last time I rubbed something on my horn. Much like back then, it was slightly euphoric. I decided that I liked this, but that didn't mean I liked being here. Rubbing my horn was one thing, but the spa was another.

Then the massages began. Look, I got a massage before back when I was a human. It was one of the most painfully awkward moments of my life. I wasn't sure if it was because the masseuse was a novice, but I was more stressed leaving than when I was going in. But these ponies. Oh man, their hooves were magic, and I didn't really care about my phrasing at the time. With one little twist of the hoof, I went limp with bliss. I was dead to the world, and I didn't care. Just the way she used her hooves kept my mind locked down with pleasant strokes. It was heavenly.

I'm not sure if the massages made me more accepting of things or not, but the mud baths were next, and I didn't mind those either. I was already so relaxed, that I didn't feel like getting worked up over anything. Not like I would, anyways. The mud bath was just like wallowing in a cozy little pool, just while wrapped up in seaweed. I didn't question it.

Did you know that a pony's hooves are quite sensitive? I discovered that first-hand when I stepped on a tack a while ago. When we soaked our hooves in bubbling water though, it was something of a benefit. I discovered firsthand just how nice it felt, though we had to remain standing for it.

As we left the spa, I had a satisfied grin on my face. When Fluttershy said "What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon", I nodded in agreement.

Rarity smiled at me. "So I take it you enjoyed yourself?"

"Yeah, it was amaz-" I stopped when I realized what I was about to say. Rarity had that smug look again, and I narrowed my eyes. "It was pretty good."

"Mhmm. I told you you would like it."

"...You win this time, Rarity." I growled. I had to admit, she was completely right.

"So, same time next week?"

More than a little flustered and trying to maintain my masculinity with great futility, I reluctantly nodded. My cheeks blushed in embarrassment without my permission. The traitors.

I wondered if I did anything to alienate Spike. I knew the answer was obvious, but I wanted to know what it was. All through the morning and the previous night, Spike looked awfully angry with me. I asked him about his constant glaring, but he brushed it off by saying that he was looking just past me. I didn't buy it, as he was obviously glaring at me.

So the library was sufficiently uncomfortable. I was glad that I had an excuse to leave that morning, otherwise Spike would stare at me all day. Unfortunately, when I told him that I was going to Rarity's, he insisted on joining me. I wasn't about to argue, but I really wished he would stay behind. He predictably glared at me the whole walk.

Since Fluttershy was modelling Rarity's outfits, she stood up on the Boutique's platform. Rarity was frantically digging around her workspace for accessories or whatever goes with dresses, Spike busied himself with helping Rarity, and I sat there as "moral support".

I couldn't tell you why, but Pinkie decided to come along. She just showed up and bounced around the Boutique, idly humming and casually finding things that Rarity needed. I'd question why she was here, but Pinkie's motivations rarely make sense, so I kept quiet on that regard.

I was less quiet about the outfit Fluttershy was wearing. "Are you sure this stuff is actually popular?" I only asked because I was wary of this purple and pink monstrosity Rarity forced upon Fluttershy. I get the sparkling purple cloth and the fuzzy pink trim, but what was with the pink scales? That just seemed excessive to me, but not as excessive as the feathery pink hat that was somehow more monstrous than Rarity's last feathery cap. The feathers were everywhere. It was less fashion, and more of a silent cry for help, but only for birds.

"Of course this is popular!" Rarity proclaimed. "Photo Finish loved the feathered hat, so there shall be feathers! Ooh, speaking of which, I need more feathers!"

Pinkie merrily trotted over with a basket of feathers, holding them out in her mouth. Rarity levitated a few more of the pink feathers, and arranged them in Fluttershy's hat. Fluttershy winced, as if the feathers poked her in the head. It was hard to tell, since all the other feathers were in the way.

Rarity pondered over the outfit some more. "Hmm. Oh, more sequins!"

Spike brought her the basket of sequins with a lovestruck face that made me roll my eyes. Rarity didn't even pay him any attention, focusing on levitating the sequins onto the outfit. She looked over the outfit, but found it lacking. "And more ribbons!"

Spike hopped onto Fluttershy and placed some bows on Fluttershy's hat. "Wait, less ribbons!" Rarity called. Spike took them off, but Rarity was still unsatisfied. "Wait, no, more ribbons!" Spike replaced them, much to Fluttershy's growing frustration.

I decided to step in, even if I thought my fashion advice would be ignored (for good reason, I suppose). "I think the outfit is gaudy even without the ribbons."

Rarity blinked at my statement, and looked over the dress. "I suppose you're right. It could still use a little work, though. Pincushion!"

Spike hopped off of Fluttershy and raced to Rarity's side. I didn't notice before, but Spike had a multitude of needles in his back. I winced as Rarity levitated a few of them out without even considering Spike, who had to have been in great pain.

While Rarity used the needles to do something, I kept my focus on Spike backpedaling towards me and Pinkie. "Doesn't that hurt?" I asked.

Spike got up to his feet with a confident smile. "Thick scales. I don't feel a thing." His smile turn lovey-dovey. "Besides, even if it did, it would be worth it just for her."

"If it hurts, you could probably just have carried an actual pincushion."

Spike glared at me, though I couldn't tell if this was because of whatever was bothering him before or me ruining his romantic fantasies with logic. He turned to Pinkie. "Hey Pinkie, can I tell you a secret?"

Pinkie gasped, and nodded solemnly. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." She recited with gestures. I didn't get it.

Spike whispered into Pinkie's ear, making extra sure I couldn't hear what the big secret is. Whatever, it's only fair that he has a one considering my big secret. Still, I wondered what he could have whispered that made Pinkie gasp even more loudly than before.

"Don't you worry, Spike! I won't tell a soul!" Pinkie promised.

The door bell chimed to signal someone entering the store. Not that it was necessary, considering the door slammed open. And even if there was no sound at all, our attention still would have been on the showy appearance of a light cyan mare with a white mane styled like a bowl. With her big purple shades and that zebra-like outfit, she commanded all the attention in the room. I almost didn't notice that she had some ponies with her. "I, Photo Finish, have arrived!" She announced in a thick German accent.

Seriously, a German accent. Does Equestria even have Germans? Well, I would have to try finding out. Rarity tried buttering up the famed Photo Finish, but she walked right past Rarity without another word. So I approached her. "Entschuldigen Sie, sprechen Sie Deutsch?" Yeah, I might know a little German.

Photo Finish stared at me for a moment. "Vat is dis mare babbling?"

"Ah, my mistake. I thought you spoke German." I apologized, stepping aside.

Photo Finish shook her head. "Enough distractions! We begin... NOW!"

From out of fucking nowhere, a huge-ass camera was just thrown in front of her. With a bit of last-minute advice from Rarity and a reassuring smile from myself, the Photo Shoot began. Rarity gestured for Fluttershy to make a certain pose, but when Fluttershy mimicked the pose, Photo Finish yelled "No!" Strangely enough, when Fluttershy shrank down into a more submissive posture, Photo Finish voiced her approval and snapped a shot.

It went on like this for a bit. Fluttershy would strike a pose, get shot down, cower, and get a picture taken. After only four pictures, Photo Finish put away the camera. "ENOUGH!" With that, she ran off.

Watching her leave, I tilted my head. "She's done already? She only took four pictures."

Fluttershy lowered her head apologetically. "I'm so sorry, I tried my best."

Rarity sighed. "That's okay, it's not your fault. The headdress is too big and the cape had too much sparkle. I can't believe I ever thought that I could impress her."

Before the depressing atmosphere could get too heavy, Photo Finish slammed back into the room. "It seems that I, Photo Finish, have found the next fashion star here in Ponyville."

Rarity gasped. "Really?"

"Yes, really. And I, Photo Finish, am going to help her to shine all over Eqvestria. Tomorrow a photo shoot in the park. I go!" She ran off again. That seems like a habit of hers.

Rarity giggled with glee. "Did you hear that? I am going to 'shine all over Equestria'!"

"Oh Rarity, I was so worried I'd ruined everything." Fluttershy said with relief.

"Yeah, congratulations on your success!" I applauded.

Rarity smiled wide. "Thank you all for your help! I knew Fluttershy was perfect!" Her smile broadened, and she giggled and hopped in place with excitement.

Pinkie hopped beside her. "Oh my gosh! This is so amazing!" She stopped bouncing with widened eyes. "We should have a party!"

I raised a phantom glass at that proclamation. "I second that notion!"

Pinkie didn't need further prompting. "Woohoo! Party at my place!" She cheered, running off in a blur.

We all chuckled and agreed to prepare for the incoming party. While Spike and I left for the library (Spike going back to his glaring), Fluttershy and Rarity stayed behind to put away that outfit. Hopefully never to be seen again.

I couldn't help but think that something was wrong.

I stretched awake from another good night's sleep. I hopped off the bed and bounded down the stairs. Spike was cooking something on the stove, and we both nodded our morning greetings. The morning paper was already inside, so I sat down to read it.

Not much in the way of headlines. "Celestia Guzzles Tea At Conference" doesn't exactly inspire much confidence in the day's news, you know? I flipped through the paper for anything of interest, and I certainly found that. Page four had the article about the new "fashion star" that Photo Finish had found in Ponyville. I read through the article knowing most of the details already, but I got stuck on the star's name.

"What the hell? Why is Fluttershy mentioned in the article? Shouldn't it be Rarity?"

Spike walked over in that chef's hat of his, apparently having finished cooking already. "What's this about Rarity?"

I elaborated. "It says here that Photo Finish's new star is Fluttershy!"

Spike gawked. "Fluttershy? What happened to Rarity?"

"Rarity's not even in the article. She's not even listed as an acquaintance to Fluttershy!"

Spike snatched away the paper and scanned the story. "This can't be right. Fluttershy doesn't even like the spotlight!"

I reclined into my chair thoughtfully. "We should have gone to that second photo shoot yesterday. That would've cleared things up."

"Well? Let's go!"

I looked quizzically at Spike. "Go where? Back in time? I don't think that's possible."

"No, to Rarity's! We can just ask her!" Spike yelled.

"Oh right, that would be easier, huh?" Spike glared in response, and I sighed. "All right, let's go."

Forgetting about breakfast, we went over to Carousel Boutique. I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. I knocked again, but there was still only silence.

"You know you can just walk in, right Twilight?" Pinkie asked beside me, pointing out the Open sign.

While Spike jumped with fright, I looked over to my suddenly appearing friend with dullness. "You know, I'm not as surprised about you suddenly popping up as I should be."

Pinkie tilted her head at me. "Why would you be surprised to see me?"

I nodded. "Exactly." I pushed the door open and went inside, the other two following me. "Though I have to ask why you're here in the first place."

"That's easy." Pinkie replied. "I read this morning's paper, and the story it told about Photo Finish didn't sound right to me, so I came here to check up with Rarity." She noticed the incredulous looks we were giving her. "What?"

"You read the paper?" I asked.

"Well, yeah. How else would I know about current events?"

"We just assumed you kind of... knew." Spike answered.

"But that doesn't even make any sense!"

I shook my head in bemusement, but I chose not to voice how frankly incredible it was that Pinkie would consider something nonsensical. Spike wisely made the same decision. We all resumed our previous task of finding Rarity, which wasn't hard when we heard a buzzing and clicking in one of the back rooms of the store. We entered the room to find the seamstress working on a nondescript black cloak. She didn't turn to face us.

"So, how'd it go with Photo Finish?" Pinkie asked.

Rarity sighed dejectedly. "It didn't go. It turns out she was interested in Fluttershy, not me."

I rubbed my chin with a hoof in thought about this. It just didn't make any sense. Photo Finish was looking for a star, and approached Rarity about it. When she took pictures of Fluttershy in that outfit, why wasn't she impressed with Rarity's work on the clothes? Maybe it wasn't that she was looking for a designer. After all, what would a photographer need with a seamstress? Oh lord, it was so obvious! Photo Finish was looking for a model the whole time! Rarity would have had more success if she modeled her own clothing!

I growled and shook away my frustration. "Damn. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. Are you okay?"

Rarity removed the cloak from the sewing machine and held it up for inspection. "If you don't mind, I'd rather be alone right now." She donned the cloak with the hood over her head.

Uhhh, I take that as a no? Still, I couldn't just force myself to comfort someone who'd rather not have my company. "If you say so. C'mon guys, let's give Rarity her space."

Pinkie and I turned to leave, but I stopped when I noticed Spike going the other way. I levitated him to my side and I glared interrogatively. "What are you doing?"

Spike crossed his arms defensively. "What? You don't think Rarity meant alone alone, do you?"

Pinkie and I both glared at Spike disappointedly. "Spike, just respect her wishes, okay?"

"Fine."

I put him down, and we walked out of Carousel Boutique together. Spike was glaring at me with increased intensity now, but I tried to ignore it. "So, maybe we should talk to Fluttershy?"

"We can't do that." Pinkie rejected. "Fluttershy is up in Canterlot for a photo shoot."

"Geez, another one? What are we possibly going to do about this if we can't see Fluttershy, and Rarity wants to be alone?"

Pinkie thought long and hard about this. "... Get milkshakes?"

Well, that was as good a suggestion as any.

The next morning, I finished cleaning the dishes after breakfast. Spike went off to do whatever he's been doing in the bedroom lately. I wasn't about to ask him what he was doing, but it couldn't have been too important. I sat down in the living room and picked up the morning paper.

Celestia Found Wearing Lampshade. Fashion Statement or Clever Allegory?

Once again, the headlines weren't very inspiring. I skipped through the mostly uninteresting filler to find anything noteworthy. I didn't find an article this time, but I did find the picture of a familiar face. Why was there a perfume advertisement starring Fluttershy? Didn't she just become a model yesterday?

I shook it off and finished my paper. I was going out for a run, so I left a note for Spike and left. I was about to pass by Applejack's apple stand on my way to Whitetail Woods, but I stopped to stare at the advertisement with Fluttershy on it, smiling with a basket of apples.

My curiosity getting the better of me, I approached Applejack. "What's with the Fluttershy ad?"

"Oh, howdy Twi." She greeted. "Yeah, Fluttershy became real famous alla' sudden. So ah decided to get a celebrity endorsement!"

"What? How did Fluttershy become an overnight celebrity?"

Applejack shrugged. "I dunno. I don't understand them High Society Types. Still, it's good fer business."

I nodded acceptance of the response, but was still disappointed by the lack of answers. I looked up and did a double take upon seeing Rainbow Dash pulling a banner ad across the sky, this time of Fluttershy drinking carrot juice. "A flying banner ad!?" I yelled with incredulity. It was the only flying banner ad I've ever seen, and it just so happened to star Fluttershy.

I cut my gaping short with a shake of my head. I briskly walked away, just attributing Fluttershy's recent fame on being a local thing. That was all it was. There was no way that Fluttershy was famous all across Equestria.

I went to pass by a magazine stall, but I stopped to admire what happened to the usually clean space. Magazines were discarded all over the place, and the mare manning the stall was grumbling, picking them up. I sympathsized, so I offered to help and picked up a few magazines.

Guess who was on the cover. That's right, Fluttershy. These weren't even small time magazines, either. I know for a fact that there aren't any big time publishers in Ponyville, and the only printing presses in town were used for newspapers. No, these magazines had to have been made in fucking Canterlot, distrubuted across all of Equestria. Every single magazine cover featured some variation of Fluttershy cowering in front of the camera. Somehow, Fluttershy became on overnight fashion icon.

I looked up to the sky. "How did this happen?" I asked the heavens, as if I expected an answer.

Aside from the curious look from the clerk, I got no response. I was left to just assume an explanation and just roll with it. Fuck it, right? It's not like I'll get an answer that makes any sense anyways. Perhaps Fluttershy was really pretty by pony standards. Alternatively, things could work a lot faster in Equestria than I'm used to. Let's hope it's the former, because I'm not used to dealing with the latter. I'd really like to take things slowly, and a skewed perception of time would ruin that.

Though it would explain why something big happens every week.

The week passed by with me seeing Fluttershy more each day than I ever have for the past three months. Whether it was on posters, newspaper advertisements, or having her burst into the library to evade rabid fans, I've had a very Fluttershy week.

But that's enough about my friend dropping by all the time without warning. Today was the day that I would be meeting her and Rarity at the spa. I sat alone in the spa waiting room, kicking back and waiting for both of them, who I was sure would have been here by now. I got bored with the waiting, but magazines were the only things there to distract me. I wasn't about to read fashion mags, no matter how many Fluttershys were on the cover.

"Excuse me, miss. Are you waiting for Rarity?" Asked a staff member who I didn't notice approaching.

"Yeah. What's up?"

"Miss Rarity is already inside. You may meet her now, if you wish."

Huh, so Rarity was already here? I guess I got here later than I thought. I thanked the pony, and she led me back into a room with a huge hot tub in it. Rarity was already soaking in the tub with one of those towels wrapped around her head. I slipped into the hot water and relaxed. "Hello Rarity, how have you been?"

Rarity sighed sadly, which I didn't take as a good sign. "Peachy. I take it Fluttershy is too busy with her career to spend any time with us?" I didn't like the sneer she used when she said "career".

I wasn't about to let Fluttershy take that kind of talk, so I came up with an excuse for her. "I doubt she's doing it on purpose. Celebrities usually get tied up with crap they don't want to do."

"I suppose. Now if only that fame were short lived." She seethed.

I raised an eyebrow at the curious bout of ire. "I take it you don't like Fluttershy's popularity?"

Rarity nodded unenthusiastically. "Will you Pinkie Promise to keep this a secret?"

I leaned my head back in consideration of her phrase. "...You mean a Pinkie Swear?"

"No, a Pinkie Promise. It's a special kind of promise."

"Then how is it any different from a normal promise?"

"Breaking a promise is bad, but breaking a Pinkie Promise is the fastest way to lose a friend's trust..."

The bucket of sponges erupted with pink as the Pink Mare of Chaos (or at least her head) shot up out of the bucket, scaring the bejeezus out of me. "FOREVER!" I stared at her, watching as she slowly sunk down into the bucket, and finally disappeared.

"And presumably, I would have to answer to Pinkie Pie?" I asked.

"That's certainly possible. I haven't broken a Pinkie Promise myself." Rarity answered.

I nodded. "Okay. I Pinkie Promise not to tell a soul about how you feel regarding Fluttershy's popularity."

"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." She chanted and gestured.

"What the hell was that?"

"It's a Pinkie Promise."

"Do I have to do all of that?"

She nodded the affirmative, and I rolled my eyes. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." I recited, performing the motions. "Alright, so what's the deal?"

Rarity looked down at the water, as if in shame. "I guess I'm just jealous. I should be happy for her, but I can't help but feel that she stole my spotlight." She sighed, and lifted a hoof out of the water to inspect it. "Ugh, my hooves are getting pruney! I'd best get going. Sorry to leave so soon, darling."

I waved nonchalantly at her. "It's okay, I understand. You have a good day."

Rarity climbed out of the hot tub and walked out of the room. Now that I was alone, I reclined as comfortably as I could in the water and relaxed. I let the water melt away my concerns, and I enjoyed the water as best as I possibly could.

At least until a few minutes later, when Fluttershy ran in frantically. "Rarity! I'm so sorry I'm..." Fluttershy stopped when she saw me all alone in the tub. "Oh, I missed her, didn't I?"

I nodded sympathetically. "Yeah, you did. Sorry."

Fluttershy's face contorted into an uncommon rage. "Oh, I'm so frustrated! I could just kick something!" She bucked the bucket of sponges, but her kick hardly even made it tilt. I mean wow, that kick was so pathetic that it retroactively erased three martial arts movies.

"So, did that help any?"

Fluttershy sighed. "No. Can I tell you something?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"Promise not to tell Rarity?"

"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."

Fluttershy smirked at the confidence the Pinkie Promise inspired, but she frowned once more. "I hate being a model. All the attention I'm getting is just awful. I'm only modelling because Rarity wants me to."

I arched my eyebrows in surprise when I heard that. I would have told her about how Rarity felt, except I promised not to. That, and I was certain I could see a pair of blue eyes glaring at me from the bucket of sponges, just daring me to break my promise. "So you're only modelling because you feel that you'll let Rarity down if you quit?"

Fluttershy nodded. "She would be devastated if I didn't let my talent 'shine all across Equestria'." I chuckled dismissively at that. "What are you laughing about?"

"Nothing. Hey, by the way, I think you should talk to Rarity about how you feel."

Fluttershy quickly shook her head. "Oh no, I couldn't do that! I couldn't bear to see how disappointed she will be!"

I smirked confidently. "I wouldn't be too sure about that. After all, I'm sure she would understand completely if you told her."

Fluttershy scuffed a hoof on the floor unsurely. "I don't know..."

I sidled over to her and placed a hoof on her shoulder. I could worry about getting her shoulder wet later. "Look, we can go talk to her now. All you have to do is tell her how you feel about modelling. From there, the ball is in her court. Trust me, she will respect whatever decision you make."

Fluttershy nodded, but uncertainty was clear on her face. "Okay, if you say so."

I patted her shoulder reassuringly. "Don't worry, she's your friend. She'll support you no matter what."

Fluttershy stood a little straighter, demonstrating her growing confidence. "Okay. You're right, I should tell her. Thank you, Twilight." Fluttershy walked to the exit, determined to speak her mind.

"Wait, I wanna come with you!" I hopped out of the tub, splashing water all over the floor. I slipped onto my face, allowing Fluttershy to leave the room before I could catch up. I growled at the wet floor, and grabbed a towel to quickly dry off.

You know, I've always suspected that the ponies of Equestria were inattentive. On occasion, I would notice things to which they would be completely oblivious. Maybe I'd see a subtle twitch in one's facial features that betrays their emotions. Other times I would see a squirrel laughing maniacally while hoisting an acorn in full view of everyone, and I would be the only one who's not shocked to see someone struck by a rogue acorn.

My suspicions have been confirmed, because I joined Fluttershy out of the spa, who wore a disguise. Said disguise was a green bonnet and a wide-rimmed pair of blue sunglasses. Even the merest glance in her direction would be enough to identify her, which is why I was a bit anxious, since I thought she would be mobbed by adoring fans again. Imagine my surprise when nothing of the sort happened. No one paid her any mind, allowing us to waltz on by without harassment.

Thoughts about the possible applications of this observation aside, we entered Carousel Boutique without a problem. Fluttershy removed her "disguise" and Rarity was quick to greet us. "Welcome to Carousel Boutique!" Then she actually opened her eyes to see us. "Oh, hello Twilight. Fluttershy."

Speaking of things I noticed, Rarity couldn't hide that tinge of sadness when she mentioned Fluttershy. I nodded my greeting and lightly prodded Fluttershy to indicate that she should speak. She jumped a little, and lowered her head. I rolled my eyes now that Fluttershy lost all her confidence from before, and so I tried to ease my way into it. "Hello again, Rarity. I managed to bring the Equestria-wide famous model, Fluttershy, to spend some time with us."

Rarity chuckled uneasily. "So you have. So, Fluttershy, how has the modelling been?"

Fluttershy glanced at me, wordlessly asking me if she should go through with it. I nodded reassuringly. She took a deep breath. "Terrible."

The answer shocked Rarity, who visibly recoiled. "'Terrible'? What makes you say that?"

And with that prompting, Fluttershy unloaded. "I hate being a model. I hate being the center of attention all the time. The photo shoots are long and uncomfortable, and I hardly have time to myself anymore. I just want to quit."

Rarity stepped up to Fluttershy and lowered her head sympathetically. "You hate modelling? Then why haven't you quit, yet?"

Fluttershy turned her head slightly away from Rarity, as if to avoid looking her in the eye. "I was afraid you would be mad with me if I didn't 'shine all across Equestria'."

The room was quiet for a brief moment. "Actually, I have a confession as well." Rarity announced. "I was jealous of your modelling career. I didn't want to tell you, because I thought you would consider me to be a bad friend."

Fluttershy gasped. "I would never consider you a bad friend!"

"I know that now." Rarity smiled almost pitifully. "If only we had been more open with each other, then we wouldn't have gone this long being miserable."

Fluttershy smiled back at Rarity. "I promise to never keep a secret like that again."

"Me too." Rarity concurred.

"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." They both chanted in unison, which broke down into giggles and grateful hugs.

Ah, problem solved. Indeed, there is a great lesson to be learned here. Airing out their concerns have brought them closer together. The bonds of trust have grown stronger now that they have opened up to each other, and from now on, they shall be even better friends than before. And to think, all of their recent problems were caused by... secrets.

They revealed their secrets to each other, and it brought them closer. They weren't upset in the slightest. No, they were hugging it out! There was no doubt in my mind that they would be more honest with each other now.

Would this work for me? I've been keeping a very big secret from them; it's only right that they should know. After all, Fluttershy and Rarity revealed the truth, and look at how happy they were as a result! Then again, my secret is great deal bigger in magnitude. But it's not like I'm not trying. Could they understand...?

"You know Twilight, just because you don't like girly things doesn't mean you have to act repulsed by a show of affection."

Rarity's voice shook me out of my thoughts, and it was only then that I realized that I was looking off to the side with a look of consideration that could be interpreted as anger. I shook my head in response. "No, it's not that. I'm just... lost in thought."

"Are you okay?" Fluttershy asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I walked to the door and held onto the handle. "I hope you don't mind, but I'd better get going. I have a lot to do."

Rarity waved kindly. "Don't let us keep you, darling. Have a wonderful day."

"You too." I said, and I left the building. I walked down the street deep in thought. Was the time right to bring it all to light, or was secrecy really my best bet? That's what I had to consider.

Author's Note

You know what's a real kick in the balls? Every time I decided to write for this story, I pushed it off for the afternoon. While that usually works out, work kept calling me in whenever I did that. Either that, or something would take up my time just to make extra sure that I couldn't get any writing done.

Today's lesson: never procrastinate.

Drunk Ponies Shouldn't be at Hut Parties

I lazily entered the kitchen, eyes half-lidded with an uneasy night's sleep. The table was empty and the room was clear of anyone making breakfast. I yanked open the refrigerator door and pulled out the orange juice. I didn't really care for this morning, so I levitated the carton over to a glass and poured it while I thought over what we should have this morning. We still had some hay bacon left over, we had eggs, or I could cook up some hash browns with the potatoes.

I grabbed the eggs, placing the carton of juice back where it belonged and kicked the door shut. With a single glance, I knew something about the kitchen was off. I looked around for that one detail that ruined the kitchen, and my eyes fell on a single cupcake on the table. I was sure that there wasn't a cupcake there before. In fact, I knew that the table was completely clear when I came in.

It was a delicious looking cupcake. Vanilla with purple frosting and a pink swirl. No sprinkles, the most useless of toppings. This was exactly how I liked my cupcakes.

As for how that cupcake suddenly found its way onto my kitchen table? Who else in Ponyville specializes in mysteriously generated pastries? I turned to the kitchen entrance with a tired half-smile (since it was early morning). "Hello, Pinkie. Thanks for the cupcake."

Pinkie popped her head in from the living room with a playful pout. "Aw, how'd you know I was here?"

I grabbed the cup of OJ and took a nonchalant sip. "Spontaneously appearing from random locations with various treats in tow? That's getting a little predictable."

Pinkie glared thoughtfully at my ceiling. "Huh. Y'know, nopony else has ever caught on before."

"Mm-hmm." I took another sip. "So what's with the cupcake? I didn't think it was my birthday, yet."

Pinkie walked inside with a smile, but her eyes betrayed a sliver of guilt. "It's an apology cupcake. I'm sorry that I upset you yesterday and made you not trust me with something super important to you." She tapped her hooves together hopefully. "Are we still friends?"

Aww, this was exactly the kind of thing that hurts me to see. Pinkie's eyes were misting up and her lip was quivering. She was obviously distraught over the previous day's events, and here she was on the brink of crying about it, then it would be my fault that she's so upset, and I don't want to make my friends cry like that. I wrapped a hoof around her for a one-armed hug. "Of course we are. I can't stay mad at you."

Pinkie grinned wide and hugged me with an audible squee. "Thanks, Twilight! I'm so glad you don't hate me!"

"You're welcome." I concluded with a pat of her shoulder. We let go of the hug, and she hopped in place with exstatic glee.

She stopped suddenly, remembering something else she needed to tell me. "Oh, by the way, I'm throwing a welcome party for Zecora at her place, and you're invited!"

I raised a brow unsurely at the news. "Are you sure that's a good idea? Zecora told me that she didn't like crowds."

"That's okay, I only invited you, me (because I'm throwing the party, duh!), our friends, Apple Bloom, and Spike!"

I momentarily frowned at the roster she provided. It was too soon for me to see all of my other friends at once. I scoured my mind for any possible excuse I could use to get out of this party (aw man, who tries to get out of a party?), but nothing came to mind. Shit, of all the times to have little to no responsibilities, this was one of the worst.

But then I smiled. "I'm looking forward to it." I told Pinkie. I couldn't avoid the party, but I did have a plan for it.

I entered the store and made a beeline for the the back row where the more hardcore looking bottles were kept. I grabbed one at random and came back to the clerk, handing it off to him.

He looked over the bottle and myself curiously. "Are you sure you want to be drinking this at your age?"

I plopped the requisite bits on the counter. "Yeah yeah, whatever. Just ring me up, will ya?"

My detour to the liquor store took a little longer than I expected. Well, more accurately, I wasn't too sure about the directions I was given to Zecora's hut in the Everfree Forest. The few minutes it took me to get the scotch and walk down to the forest was long enough, but I didn't know how to interpret "take a left at the spooky bush with thorns in it" when all of the bushes had thorns in them.

So here we were, Spike and I walking through this bitch of a forest while I had a bottle of scotch in a saddlebag. Let me tell you, two and a half months didn't make me hate the Everfree any less. Somehow, there was still a path leading to Zecora's hut (not much of a path, but it seemed well-traveled to me). While one would think that makes it easier to get there, let me assure you that's not the case. Bushes and vines still littered the area just to make navigating a pain in the flank (oh hey, I got it right!).

Eventually, we found the "spooky bush" that Pinkie mentioned. It looked more like a constantly growling dog than an actual bush, and it was much larger than I was expecting. The thing was twice as big as I was. We found Zecora's hut soon afterwards. Less of a hut, and more of a hollow tree with windows and a tribal mask hanging over the door. I knocked on the door, from which I could already hear a few voices.

The door opened to reveal the zebra of riddles. "Greetings, my lavender friend. Come inside to enjoy your journey's end!"

Could my trip to her house be considered a journey? Yeah, let's go with that. Spike and I stepped inside where I made introductions. "Hey Zecora, this is Spike. Spike, this is Zecora."

"Hi." Spike casually greeted.

While Spike and Zecora spoke, I got a good look around the hut. There was a firepit in the center of the room with a cauldron hanging over it, unlit for now. Potion bottles hung from the ceiling, clearly empty of potential contents. Shelves dug into the walls were lined with alchemical reagents, a bed and a pillow were stuffed into a corner, and tribal masks were hanging all around. I liked the atmosphere this place provided. It had this mystical shaman vibe to it. The effect was ruined by various colorful party decorations. I dunno, something about pink streamers, rainbow confetti, and red-bordering-on-pink punch bowls on a white table just clashed with the natural decor.

While Apple Bloom was sitting on an over-turned log used as a bench, the five friends I was anxious about joining again were standing idly. Things were understandably tense around them, with the exception of Pinkie Pie. The others were merely staring at me, waiting for me to say something.

While they were no doubt expecting something grand from me, I kept things disappointingly simple. "Hey girls, how's it goin'?" I asked with a smile.

"Really? That's the first thing you say to us after your outburst yesterday?" Rainbow criticized.

"What? I'm not going to let things like that make it awkward around us."

"And how do you figure that? You can't just wish the whole day away yesterday." Applejack claimed.

"Well I brought the next best thing." I brought out the bottle of liquor in my saddlebag, rattling it in front of them.

"Twilight, dear, that's a bottle of scotch." Rarity pointed out.

"Yeah. Heh, it's funny, there was all sorts of alcohol being sold, but not a single instance of beer..."

"But there are children present!"

I looked around the room, only seeing Apple Bloom eyeing the scotch curiously. "Children? The only child I see in the room is Apple Bloom."

"Please don't tell me you're forgetting about Spike."

I glanced back at Spike, who was scratching his head in confusion at something Zecora said. I chuckled. "Oh yeah. With how often he matches wits with me, I forgot he's still a kid."

"Matches wits? Don't tell me he outsmarts you all the time!" Rainbow smiled jokingly.

"Hey, don't let his appearance fool you; he's practically a grandmaster at chess!" I said in my defense.

Rainbow chuckled at my expense, though she was obviously holding in even more laughter. "Spike beats you at chess?" She burst into uproarious laughter.

The others looked disapprovingly at her. On the other hand, I was able to open the bottle and drink, all while glaring at Rainbow.

Ah, the familiar burn of a strong liquor. I felt better already. I was glad that Rainbow was bringing some levity into our day, but I just wish it wasn't at my expense.

Zecora tapped my shoulder, getting my attention. "For fear of doing something you might regret, the bottle is one thing you must forget."

I held a hoof to my chest, posing as if she touched my heart. "Aw, I didn't even know you cared enough about me to stage an intervention." I returned the shoulder patting. "Don't worry. In drinking circles, I'm what's known as a 'heavyweight'." I punctuated the claim with another drink from the bottle. I felt the buzz already.

Now, if I were any smarter of a man, I would have realized at the time what was happening. Sure, back home in my real body, I could hold my liquor pretty well. However, I didn't consider that I wasn't in my real body, so the effects of the alcohol were a lot stronger and faster than I was used to. It didn't take long for me to get totally smashed, to the point that I couldn't remember what happened that night. All I know is what other ponies present at the time have told me.

"Can you tell me another joke, Zecora?"

"You're laughter leaves me flustered, for not a single joke have I mustered!"

"Ha ha! Classic!"

Zecora frowned with frustration. It figured that Twilight (or at least a very unfortunate man who looked a lot like Twilight) was an easily amused drunk. Needless to say, speaking with her wasn't going so well for Zecora.

Apple Bloom watched the increasingly tipsy mare curiously. "Why's she actin' so funny?"

To discover the answer to that question, Rainbow swiped the bottle away from Twilight (who was too busy laughing at Zecora's "jokes" to notice) and examined it's contents. "Ha! She didn't even drink half of it! What a lightweight!"

Applejack grabbed the bottle herself and read the label. What she found was surprising. "Whoa nelly! This here's Griffin made! This stuff's so strong, it could put out a full grown manticore!"

"Goodness! Where did she even find that?" Rarity asked.

"That's easy." Rainbow answered. "Hard Liquor down at the liquor store imports all kinds of good stuff. I'll bet Tipsy went right for the stuff in the back."

"Hey, where'd my bottle go?" Asked the loopy Twilight lookalike. She looked around for it, and Applejack hid it under the punch table. Twilight didn't notice this action, and had no idea where the bottle could be.

Pinkie Pie, sensing an opportunity to distract Twilight away from a frustrated Zecora, brought her a cup of punch. "Here, have some punch! I'll bet it's better than that nasty griffin swill!"

Twilight accepted the offered cup and drank it all in one go. She grimaced in disgust at the cup. "Hey, this spike's not even punched!"

Applejack pondered this situation. Didn't drunk ponies usually say things that they didn't mean to say? That is, they usually say things they wanted to keep secret? Her curiosity got the better of her.

She tapped Twilight's shoulder to get her attention. "Hey Twi, what was it you were gonna tell us the other day?"

Twilight gave Applejack a hard look, and stared for several moments. She grabbed AJ by the shoulders. "I'm from the future."

"Say what, now?"

Twilight widened her eyes with mock intensity. "Sarah Conner, come with me if you want to live." She laughed and fumbled to the nearby punch table, propping herself up with a hoof.

Applejack narrowed her eyes at the joking mare. It figured that Twilight was not taking anything seriously.

They waited as Twilight's laughter died down and caught her breath. They could tell that Twilight was about to do something else that was obnoxious, and not in the Pinkie Sense of the word.

Twilight looked up to her friends. "You know what I could go for? I could go for some wrestling. I'm so drunk, that I could even watch the WWE!"

Now, I wouldn't go that far.

Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Ah didn't know you watched wrestlin'."

"I do, but it's been so long since I've seen a show." Twilight's eyes widened in realization. "Wait, you mean to tell me that there are wrestling promotions in Equestria?"

"Of course there are. EPW comes by every month or so."

Twilight chuckled deeply. "Sweet, I'll even get to see it live. It's nice to be able to stream it on the internet and all, but I can't wait to be at ringside."

Everyone looked at each other questioningly, nopony knowing what Twilight was on about. Finally, Apple Bloom asked "What's the internet?"

Twilight tilted her head in confusion. "How do you not know what the internet is?" She thought for a moment, then lightly bonked the side of her head in realization. "Oh, that's right, I'm still in Equestria!" While everypony adorned puzzled expressions, Twilight elaborated. "Alright, you see, the internet is this series of tubes and cables and shit..." Rarity winced. "...that carry electrical signals to these big blocks of plastic and metal called computers. Then people use these computers to access a network of information shared across the entire world! Though, it's mostly used to watch porn and read fanfiction. Sometimes both."

They stared incredulously at Twilight, except for Rarity, who's eye twitched at how appalled she was at Twilight's behvior (in front of children, no less!). "Twilight, you're drunk," Rainbow concluded.

"Yeah, ah think you should go home." Applejack added.

Twilight lifted her hoof to protest, but unfortunately for her, the hoof she lifted was being used to prop herself up on the table. Without it holding her up, her head smashed into the table and she fell to the ground, just out of sight of the others. "Argh! Son of a-- Ooh, I found my bottle!" Applejack facehoofed.

Pinkie circled around the table to check on the fallen mare, finding her taking another drink from the bottle of vileness. Twilight put down the bottle and lazed onto her back with lidded eyes. "Man, I'm gettin' sleepy. Good thing Zecora has a comfortable floor." This was a thing she said about a bare wooden floor.

Pinkie sighed and shook her head. "Silly Twilight, you don't need to sleep on the floor. Come on, I'll take you home." Pinkie picked up the fallen mare and propped Twilight onto her back.

Twilight nuzzled into Pinkie's neck, presumably like a pillow. "Good idea, you're much more comfortable than the floor." She murmured with a dopey smile.

"You know, I could take her home for you. This is your party, after all." Rainbow offered.

"This is Zecora's party, Dashie. Besides, I'll be back before you even know I'm gone!" Pinkie turned to Spike. "Are you going to stay for the party, or do you want to look after Twilight?"

Spike shrugged. "I guess I'll keep an eye on Twilight."

Pinkie and Spike walked out the door. "We'll be back soon!" Pinkie called, and closed the door.

Pinkie and Spike walked down the path to Ponyville, with only the sound of rustling leaves and soft snoring from an intoxicated Twilight to accompany them. Twilight fell asleep shortly after leaving Zecora's hut, so that left only one conscious mare and a dragon. Spike poked Twilight's leg to see if she would react, but she was out cold.

For Spike, this was the perfect opportunity to sow doubt into the minds of one of Twilight's deluded friends. "So, Pinkie, what do you think of Twilight?"

Pinkie beamed. "She's a great friend! We baked cupcakes and muffins together, she takes the time to learn about me, she smiles and waves every time she sees me, she always has advice, and she's so considerate!"

Yikes, it sounded to Spike like Pinkie was really digging this imposter. While he wasn't expecting this to be easy, he underestimated how quickly their friendships have grown. "Well, what about yesterday? She didn't seem so nice then."

Pinkie deflated slightly at the reminder. "Yeah, she was pretty upset." Pinkie renewed her smile with a happy bounce in her step. "But it's okay, because we're still friends!"

Spike narrowed his eyes doubtfully at the sleeping Twilight. "Still, that was a pretty harsh reaction. What secret do you think she has that's so important to her that she would lash out?"

Pinkie hummed thoughtfully. "Hmm, I dunno. I thought Twilight might be a robot from the future to bring a glorious new golden age of funk, but that can't be it."

Spike stared incredulously at Pinkie. "What made you think that?"

"Well, obviously, it answered everything!"

Spike raised a claw to dispute that, but lowered it, deciding against arguing with Pinkie's logic. "Anyway, don't you think that if it's so important, that she would tell her friends about it?"

Pinkie turned to Spike with a Serious Pinkie Pie Frown. "Trust me, some secrets are worth keeping." She answered with a grim monotone.

Spike widened his eyes in fear at Pinkie. "Does that mean you have some dark secret, too?"

Pinkie turned her sullen frown upside down with a mirthful smile. "Nope! But that sure sounded ominous, didn't it?"

Spike glared at Pinkie, not approving of her antics. Still, he figured that trying to sway Pinkie was a waste of time. Her mind was already made, and she was too... odd to convince of anything. He decided to go back to the drawing board, and work out how he could reveal "Twilight's" secret plot.

Illusionists Revealing the Truth? Only in My Life

Illusionists Revealing the Truth? Only in My Life

Well, I hope I never get that drunk again. Sure, drinking is a great activity if you're living in the moment. The problem arises when you wake up the next morning, then you hate alcohol with an unrestrained passion for a couple of hours, and then you can't wait to get hammered again, only for the cycle to begin anew.

It's a painful cycle, at times.

But enough about my potential alcoholism! I still needed to become more powerful in the field of magic (*gag*)! To that end, I researched a spell that would allow me to control the earth like Moses parting the Red Sea. What better place to test this spell than my own backyard? It's spacious, it's right next to where I live, and the only one who would possibly care about damages doesn't give a shit. It's perfect!

It was just after breakfast when I stood outside, ready to begin my field testing. The wind blew and rustled the grass, because things needed to be dramatic. It was just me, the earth around me, and my power ready to be unleashed.

I charged up my horn and channeled the spell, letting the spell loose into the center of the yard. From the grass and dirt emerged a spike of stone, ripping through the natural greenery. Success! I've created a tiny mountain in my backyard!

Huh, the way that spike burst forth reminded me of something really cool. I cast the spell again, this time I stomped a hoof just as a stone column burst up beside the spike. I smiled with excitement.

I stomped again, simultaneously casting my spell to rip up a head-sized rock from the ground, and I kicked it. I threw it with my telekinesis just as the kick connected, hurling the rock at lethal velocity into the column, shattering both in a shower of broken stone. The column tumbled down into the spike, shattering further in a satisfying display of physical forces.

I reared up and brought my hooves down, lifting myself up with a conjured column of stone. I hopped off the column, summoning another column to catch me, lifting me higher than the previous column. I hopped off again, gaining altitude with pillar after pillar. I was having a blast with my new spell, so much so that I laughed joyously.

I knew that I could force objects to surge from the ground, so it was time for me to test the limits of the spell. I brought myself down with a stomp of a hoof. I stomped alongside another casting, summoning a small platform beneath me. I raised my hoof to signal the summoning of a stone half-pipe, and I threw my hoof back, channeling the spell to propel my platform forward. It worked so goddamn well! I shot forward at an exhilarating speed, ascending the half-pipe like I was on a skateboard!

The platform on which I stood launched out of the half-pipe, and this was the part that was the trickiest. I tried to summon another half-pipe from the ground, the idea being that I would be launched into it and continue moving forward as if I was going through a loop. However, my control over the spell was not as fine as I was hoping. What happened instead was that I summoned another column.

I slammed face-first into the column, shattering my stone-board just above me. I dropped head first onto the ground in a disoriented heap, the column collapsing above me like a falling tree. Luckily, the falling mass landed next me, not even touching me.

I groaned with effort as I picked myself up, looking at my handiwork and counting my lucky stars that I didn't just hurt myself.

Spike came out of the library to investigate the carnage I caused. "What's all this?"

I stood up and brushed myself off. "Just practicing my Earth Bending."

Spike looked inquisitively at me. "Earth Bending?"

"Yeah! It's the ancient and noble art of telling the earth what to do!" I explained.

"You mean you cast a Ground Moving spell." Spike clarified with an unimpressed frown.

"No, it's Earth Bending!" I argued.

"What's the difference?"

"Earth Bending isn't magic."

"...Huh? But you're using supernatural force to move the ground! That's magic!"

"Nuh uh! Bending comes from the power of the spirits! I'm just a middle-man directing the force!"

Spike looked unconvinced. "It's still magic."

I raised a hoof to argue further, but I couldn't think of a counter point. Instead, I glared at him. "Spike, for the love of God, let me have this!"

Spike returned a flat glare at me, unwilling to concede. I'm sure he would have argued further, had a rainbow blur not slammed painfully into one of the columns still up in the yard.

Yes, it seemed that Rainbow Dash crashed nearby again. "You okay?" I called.

Rainbow peeled herself out of a pegasus-shaped indentation on the pillar with an audible pop. She rubbed her sore face. "I meant to do that." She landed and cast the column a steely glare. "What's up with that thing, anyway?"

"I made a few columns with my Earth Bending abilities." I replied.

"She actually used a Ground Moving spell." Spike corrected, just to spite me.

I shot him an angry glance, and turned back to Rainbow. "So what's up?"

"Well, there's this new mare in town calling herself Trixie. She set up a stage for something. Wanna come check it out?" She asked, gesturing towards the town's square.

I raised a curious eyebrow. "Some kind of show, I wager? Sounds like it could be worth checking out. You want in, Spike?"

Spike looked up at me in thought, then shrugged. "Might as well." Spike turned away, muttering under his breath so that I could barely hear him. "Someone's got to keep an eye on you."

That little statement made me a little worried. Was I doing something wrong, or am I looking too deep into this statement? I did slam myself into a stone wall just a few minutes ago, so maybe he was just looking out for me?

His muttering was apparently too low for Rainbow to hear, for she didn't react to it at all. She hovered off, and we followed behind her. I considered what Spike could possibly suspect of me, but that was hard to do. My only hint at how he felt was the constant glaring that I originally thought was from a feeling of neglect, but that couldn't be it. We hang out quite often, so there must be something else.

As much as I would like to get to the bottom of it, now was not the time. For now, we were going to find out who this "Trixie" character was.

Rainbow, Spike, and I arrived before a sizable crowd could form in front of a trailer. The trailer was maybe two ponies wide and two ponies high from my perspective, had a bright red roof, and a yellow paint job for its walls. A yellow window decorated with purple hearts faced out to me. Obvious jokes about hurting oneself on nails aside, a dangling sign in front of the trailer was decorated with a star wand and a crescent moon. I paid no attention to the sign, I was more interested in the folded-up stage just hanging off the trailer's side.

We got front row seats, so I was quite happy with our fortunate timing. A crowd formed around us just in time. We were soon joined by a few familiar faces: Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie stood beside us. While Pinkie was visibly quaking in excitement for whatever was about to happen, Rarity and Applejack were more reserved with their excitement. "Hey girls, welcome to the show." I greeted.

"Howdy." Applejack returned.

Rarity, on the other hand, looked at me curiously. "And hello to you, too. I must ask, why are you here?"

I thought the answer was pretty obvious. "I wanted to see a show. Is something wrong with that?"

Rarity looked like she mentally debated what she was going to say before speaking again. "You do know what kind of show this is, don't you?"

"No, what-"

I was interrupted by a voice loudly projecting from the trailer. "Come one, come all! Come and witness the amazing magic of the Great and Powerful Trixie!"

I snapped my head at the trailer, eyes wide in disbelief. The stage unfolded to reveal a purple stage curtain, and the doors to the front and back of the trailer swung open to make way for two trios of trumpets. The roof popped open and more props shot out: one of those twirling wheels with the bottle rockets, a generic planet prop, and a big striped rocket.

With a burst of light, a smokescreen filled the stage, quickly dissipating to reveal a blue pony in a starry cape and starry wizard's hat. She posed triumphantly, smiling confidently at her audience, which unfortunately included me. "Watch in awe as the Great and Powerful Trixie performs the most spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!" She reared up, throwing her hooves up to a fireworks display and a grand trumpet fanfare.

"Oh, fuck this!" I declared, stomping off.

Trixie, I believed her name was, sputtered in shock. "W-what? Where are you going? Trixie's show hasn't even started!" She called out to me.

I turned to her. "Man, fuck magic!" I stormed off successfully this time.

Before I left completely, I heard Trixie ask the audience in utter confusion. "Was it just Trixie, or was that a unicorn denouncing magic?"

Trixie stared off at the departing Twilight, flummoxed. She could not believe that a unicorn could ever hate magic like that.

Spike, on the other hoof, totally could. In hindsight, it was completely obvious that the biggest change in Twilight's behavior was her sudden dislike of magic. Spike had to smack himself at his folly. He didn't need to spend any more time skulking around the library to pilfer evidence, for what evidence could be more damning than Twilight Sparkle not liking magic?

Spike smiled at his imminent success. It was obvious now. None of her Ponyville friends would know about this drastic contrast, but he knew somepony who would. A very powerful princess would be very interested indeed. All he had to do was send a letter, and they'd have the real Twilight back in no time.

After this show, of course. Trixie was recovering from her shock, and she was getting ready to begin the show proper. Spike decided that he would stick around and enjoy it. After all, if this obviously evil clone of Twilight didn't like it, then that was all the more reason for Spike to watch it.

Spike did not end up liking Trixie's magic show.

When I got back to the library, I practiced my fine control over the Ground Moving spell. Sure, I could have done so in the back yard, but I felt it was time to give the library a more personal touch. I decided it was time to take up sculpting.

You would not believe how much easier making a statue is with magic. With a little flick of magic, you can modify a few little details in an instant. On one hand, that made my task a lot easier. But on the other hand, fuck magic. One little thing that I forgot to mention, though, was that it still took me two hours to get as far with my sculpting as I did.

I rounded one of the curves on the statue, shaving some more bits of rock to the floor. I gave my statue a satisfied smile, for I think it turned out very well. While I would have basked in the glow of my craftsmanship a little longer, the door burst open with the gloating of a recent addition to Ponyville. "Behold, the magnificent entrance of the Great and Powerful..." Trixie trailed off as she got a good look at the statue. "What is that?" She asked.

I didn't even turn to face her. I just admired my work with a nod. "It's Toph Beifong."

Trixie walked beside me, staring at my masterpiece with uncertainty. "That looks like a human to Trixie."

"Well, yeah, she is a human."

Trixie looked at me, noticing my proud expression. "Trixie takes it you like humans?"

I shrugged in response. "You could say that."

Since I had company, I picked up the fallen rocks from my statue and chucked them out a window. My actions confused Trixie. "For a mare who hates magic, you seem quite adept at its use."

I shrugged again, this time with a resigned frown. "Yeah, what can you do? I have to get good at it, whether I like it or not."

Trixie seated herself at one of the tables, preparing for a long conversation with me. "Actually, Trixie was wanting to talk to you about your arcane aversion."

Ah crap, I was being interrogated by a magician. I had to tell myself to relax and be cordial. I didn't want to run out of my home with a swarm of magicians chasing me, throwing knives at me from hidden compartments in their top hats. Again.

I sat across from her, hiding any anxiety I felt from the imminent discussion. "Look, I'm sorry about ditching your show like that. It's just that I have no interest in magic."

Trixie couldn't comprehend my words. "Trixie heard your words, but only recognized gibberish. Did you just say you had no interest in magic?"

"None. Sorry."

Trixie blinked. "That can't be possible. It makes no sense... nay, it's impossible that a unicorn doesn't like magic!" Trixie's gaze hardened with resolve. "This impossibility must be fixed by the Greatest Mare Who Ever Lived!" She declared.

I leaned back away from Trixie, suddenly fearing for my sanity over the next couple of hours. "What are you going to do?" I tentatively asked.

Trixie leaned forward with determination. "Trixie desires to know why you dislike magic!"

I winced. "Really? You want to play therapist to me so that I can get over my anger towards the arcane?"

Trixie nodded. "The greatest shame in life is a pony who lacks appreciation for magic. The very reason Trixie became Great and Powerful was because she loved magic from the first day she bore witness to it! I will not let a single pony be deprived of the joy magic can bring!"

I gave her flat, doubtful look. "I seriously doubt that magic is as great as you believe."

Trixie's glare was challenging. "Oh yeah? Well what makes you so sure magic is so bad?"

"Well, for your information, magic has been screwing me over ever since I first encountered it. I wouldn't be here in Ponyville, tromping around as a librarian pony, if I weren't first cursed by some asshole in a fucking dress." I opened my mouth to continue ranting, but I stopped way too late to realize that Trixie got me to open up about it. Well done, Trix. You're better at manipulating others than I am.

"Hmm, so is Trixie to assume that you dislike living in Ponyville, and blame magic in your ire?"

I sighed in resignation. No use in hiding it now, since she got me start talking. "No, Ponyville is fine, it's just that the circumstances could be better." Trixie nodded at me in confirmation, but wordlessly asked me to continue. "I'd rather not get into it, but suffice to say that magic is entirely to blame for my misfortune."

"So it's the actions of a lone mage that upset you?" Trixie summarized.

I shook my head. "That's not all. There was this one time I was playing Dungeons & Dragons, and I was dueling this bandit king. We were both low on health and the bandit won initiative. All I had to do was survive the next round of attacks, and I would have kicked his ass! But no, the party wizard had to steal my glory with a bolt of lightning!"

Trixie was unimpressed with my additional backstory. "You were upset that the wizard stole your kill and that's the reason you dislike magic?"

"We were fighting like MEN!" I roared.

Trixie raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "Men? But aren't you a mare?"

"That's not the point!"

"Right, the point is that blaming magic over the events of a game is completely irrational!"

"I- you-" I stuttered, trying to make a comeback. I took a deep breath. "Okay, you got me there, but the point stands that a wizard booted my ass to Ponyville."

"But you admitted Ponyville wasn't the problem, so what is? What exactly did you leave behind?"

I thought on that. What was my life like before Equestria? I certainly didn't have many friends. We hung out in the break room for a few minutes before we went back to work, but I've never felt the need to build my relationships farther than that. My job sucked, so that couldn't be it. I lived alone, in a small apartment, with only a computer and an internet connection to pass the time. "I guess I didn't leave much behind at all." I concluded.

"Interesting, then why are you so angry?"

"Again, it's the circumstances. No, I won't tell you what they are."

Trixie took a moment to think. "But surely you have had other experiences with magic? Perhaps moments when magic was instrumental or otherwise helpful to you?" She suggested.

I remembered back to the time my friends and I scaled the mountain to confront the dragon. Boulders fell around me, trapping me. I was almost crushed by one of them, but I saved myself with a levitation spell. "That's right, magic saved my life." I surprised myself with my own recollection of events.

Trixie smiled. "Great. Do you remember anything else?"

Interesting, I remembered quite a few moments I've had with magic lately. Thinking back, I recalled when Rainbow Dash was feeling nervous about the Young Fliers' Competition. If I hadn't cast the Flight spell, we never would have gotten to support her. "Because of magic, I went to Cloudsdale to cheer for a friend."

Trixie raised an eyebrow with interest. "Oh, really? You went to Cloudsdale?"

"Yeah. Strangest thing, I was the one who cast the spell, too."

Trixie's smile grew wider. "It sounds like magic has been very helpful to you."

For a few moments, I mulled over what I just admitted. Magic has been very kind to me, lately. What was more surprising? The fact that magic was helping me left and right, or that I was considering that I might be wrong about magic?

Trixie realized how close I was to a breakthrough, and prodded further. "Haven't you had any experiences with spellcasting? I'm sure you can remember a time where you were happy with the results."

Now that she mentioned it, I could. Rarity and Applejack stayed over for a sleepover in a lightning storm. A tree was struck by lightning, and it was about to crash into my house. I blasted it apart with a bolt of energy. What really struck me about that memory was the first thing I thought after I had done that.

That was pretty cool.

My God, I called magic cool. It wasn't a one time deal, either. Just that morning, I was having a blast with one of my new spells! Never mind the fact that I pretended it wasn't magic, because the point was that it was still magic.

"Strange, I've been having fun with magic all this time." I admitted, hardly believing myself.

"So if you've been enjoying magic, could you honestly say that you hate magic?" Trixie asked.

"I guess not." I conceded. "Still, this is shocking. I've hated magic my entire life. This transition is a little jarring."

"Trixie understands. It is difficult to change a fundamental aspect of one's life."

The library door opened, and we turned to face the entrants. Two colts walked in, one was a tall and lanky orange while the other was short and round light turquoise. While I had no clue who these two young unicorns were, Trixie obviously did. She rubbed her face with a hoof, silently muttering "Oh no, not these two again."

I quirked a brow at that, wondering just what made Trixie despise their company. I soon got my answer as they approached Trixie and bowed. Yes, they bowed. As if they were bowing to royalty. "Oh Great and Powerful Trixie, we washed your trailer like you asked." The tall one droned in reverence.

"Yeah! So, can we hear another story?" The other one asked.

"Trixie told you that she was tired. Please, for the love of Celestia, stop asking me!" She pleaded.

Did she just appeal to Celestia like I would a deity? Usually, one only appeals to a being that you can't actually visit. Or is that just how humans do things, and we're just weird?

Whatever, Trixie was being pestered by fans, and it was getting on her nerves. While one would think that she would be used to this by now, I guess I could help her out. Time to work my magic.

The key to my plan was the fact that the colts were children. And look, we were in a library! "Actually kids, Trixie here was just popping in to read a few books." I leaned towards them menacingly. "Nonfiction books."

They paled and gasped at me. "No..."

"Yessss." I hissed. I levitated a nearby book from the nonfiction section and quickly scanned the title. "Would you like to join us as we read the wonders of Trade and Commerce?"

They screamed in terror, bolting out of the library to my maniacal laughter.

My laughter died down to victorious chuckles. Trixie nodded in appreciation, impressed by my work. I grinned. "You might be good with magic, but I'm good with words." I held out a hoof for a handshake. "I'm Twilight Sparkle."

Trixie shook my hoof. "And I am the Great and Powerful Trixie! So, has Trixie been Great and Helpful?"

"I think so." I replied. "I'll definitely give it some thought."

It was nearing dinner time, and the sun had already set a few minutes ago. I was cooking dinner, stirring a steaming pot of noodles. Trixie left hours ago, presumably to do some shopping before she leaves, which left me to do whatever. I decided to read up some comic books, because I felt like it. Spike didn't even come home yet, and it was already past sundown. I began cooking dinner ahead of time, waiting for him to come back.

Seriously, where the hell was Spike? Did he finally score with Rarity? Hey, I guess if I was getting some, I'd take my time, too. A little warning is all I'm asking for!

Spike slammed the front door open. I peeked out of the kitchen, finding the poor kid having a panic attack. "Spike, what's wrong?" I asked.

He looked at me, silently considering his choice of words. "Uh, how good are you at fighting monsters?"

How am I supposed to react to that? I guess I didn't need to, because a loud roar pierced the night. I widened my eyes with incredulity. "What the fuck was that?"

"Um... an Ursa Major?" Spike hesitantly answered.

I looked out a window, finding a giant star bear wrecking Ponyville's shit. Yep, that was an Ursa. Let me guess, I'm the one who has to deal with it?

I sighed. At least it was an Ursa Minor. It could totally be worse.

"Man, fuck nature." I groaned. "Let's just kick its ass, already."

I ran out the door with Spike following behind me. Crowds of frightful ponies screamed and scrambled past us, away from the rampaging beast. Not me, though. I'm the only one in Ponyville with the balls to fight it, hence why my gallop led directly into its path of destruction.

Before long, I reached a zone of confrontation. Surprisingly, someone else beat me to it: Trixie, bereft of her outfit. "Alright, let's hope she knows what she's doing." I said.

"Of course she does!" One of the idiot colts from earlier declared. "The Great and Powerful Trixie defeated an Ursa Major before!"

"Shit, really?" I looked between the surprisingly patient monster threatening to tear apart all we hold dear and the increasingly nervous Trixie. "Then why does it look like she has no tricks up her sleeve?"

"I don't know why she's goofing around! Come on, Trixie! Vanquish it!"

Trixie shivered in fear at the Ursa still bearing down on her. "I can't..."

The two dolts gaped. "What?"

Trixie clarified. "Trixie can't defeat an Ursa. Nopony can. I just made the whole story up to make me look better."

The two stooges were horrified and surprised at this revelation. But never mind those clowns, if Trixie can't do it, then I had to try. I flared up my horn. "Magic, you'd better not fuck this up for me." I took the time to channel as much energy as I could into my spell.

The Ursa was still being incredibly patient and not ripping us all to pieces. Maybe it had to do with the increasingly powerful glow from my horn, which was gathering everyone's attention. I proved a good enough distraction for Trixie to move behind me, at least.

After five seconds of continuous build, the power in my horn felt like it was ready to burst out of my horn in a fiery explosion. With my spell overcharged to the greatest possible degree that I could manage, I let loose the what could possibly be the most powerful casting of the Sleep spell in pony history. The glow surrounded the Ursa's head, and its eyes quickly lulled shut. With a quake and a thud, it slumped to the ground in a deep slumber.

Overcharging a spell like that has painful consequences for the caster, as I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of vertigo. I fought to keep my balance and blearily opened my eyes to see my handiwork. I smiled victoriously. "Yeah! Fuck you up, bear! Woo!" I pumped a hoof to the air for a pose, but I lost my balance and landed square on my face. "Gah!"

Hoofsteps sounded all around me while I had my eyes shut to recover and get my bearings. Apparently, one of the ponies surrounding me now was Rainbow Dash. She whispered to me. "Wow, great work, Twilight! Though I don't suppose you could get that Ursa out of here before it wakes up?"

"Nah, sorry; my magic's shot." I spoke aloud.

Applejack, who also stood beside me, whispered. "Then how in the hay are we supposed to get rid of an Ursa without wakin' it up?"

"Don't worry about it; that guy'll be out cold for at least a few hours. We can make as much noise as we want." I stood back up once I felt stable. "Just get a bunch of unicorn volunteers to put him in the forest, and we'll be just fine."

"Um, Twilight?" Rarity caught my attention. "Not to doubt your work, but how are you so sure that your spell will last that long? Creatures this large tend to shrug off spells rather quickly."

I waved a hoof dismissively. "It'll be fine. Ursa Minors have undeveloped minds, ergo they are vulnerable to mind-altering effects."

"Wait, that was an Ursa Minor?" Trixie gawked.

"Yep, just a kid." I confirmed.

"Then what's an Ursa Major like?"

"Think bigger, bitchier, and purple. Rather hard to miss."

"You seem to know a lot about Ursas." Rainbow commented. "You've been reading nerd books, haven't you?"

I scoffed lightheartedly at her. "What? You expected me to not read a bestiary entry on giant bears made of cosmic energy with rigid social structures based on how much territory they control? You're even crazier than the Mane-iac!"

"So... what? Was this Ursa trying to conquer Ponyville or something?" Rainbow asked.

"No, the Ursa Minors are unmotivated at best and lazy all other times. They mostly just sleep in and hope their mothers aren't too cranky. Likely, the beast was awoken by some meddling trespassers and followed them to Ponyville to kick some ass."

"Gee, I wonder who could have done that." Spike sarcastically wondered aloud, pointedly glaring at the two dolts.

While Spike obviously meant the two morons, everyone else glared at Trixie. I noticed this misplaced blame, and rolled my eyes. "He meant the two chucklefucks over there, dummies."

"Oooohhhh." Went the crowd, leveling the withering glare at the dolts.

"Wait one darned moment! Why wasn't Trixie able to beat the critter?" Applejack demanded. "She made up a big fuss about how she beat an Ursa before, but she couldn't even handle a baby!"

The crowd glared at Trixie again, this time they were judging her. Murmurs through the crowd made it clear that they were calling her a fraud. They called her a liar. A cheat. A con. Trixie backed away from their glares, fear written in her eyes. She could see her career sinking before her.

Now, I'm a nice guy. Saying that you can beat an Ursa is exactly the kind of lie that shouldn't be tested like this (it should be disbelieved at best), and I really couldn't blame her for talking up a big game like that. After all, you can't blame her for the actions of stupid people. She didn't come here looking for trouble when it found her, and now her way of life was threatening to be torn asunder.

As I've been saying all day: Fuck that.

I walked up to Trixie with a haughty gait. "Well Trixie, it looks like we're 1:1."

Trixie quirked a brow. "Huh?"

"You beat an Ursa Minor, and now I beat an Ursa Minor. We're even." I explained.

"What." Spike said, annoyed.

"That don't make a lick of sense!" Applejack claimed. "She was cowerin' from that Ursa like a rabbit from a wolf!"

I turned to Applejack with a challenging glare. "Oh really? While I'd like to know where you were when the Ursa attacked, have no doubt that Trixie distracted it long enough for me to come by! This Ursa she encountered today caught her off guard, but with enough preparation, she would have brought this motherfucker to its knees!"

"Oh yeah, well what kind of preparations would she have made? How do you know all this stuff?" Rainbow demanded.

I smiled confidently, which was difficult because I was making this all up as I went. "Trixie told me the whole story. She told me of the elaborate battlefield traps she set for the beast, and how she outsmarted and outmaneuvered the beast, driving it off once and for all!"

"You mean to tell us that she beat an Ursa with a few snares?" Rarity asked, unimpressed.

"Not just 'a few snares'. I'm talking explosive nests! Pitfalls! Beehives!" My declaration of that last one impressed the crowd the most. "She might not have to ability to blast it away like Team Rocket, but she's a cunning and ruthless tactician!"

I smiled at the effects of my speech. The crowd bought my bluff like the sheep they were. Sure, my friends were less than impressed by my obvious fabrications, but I wasn't to worried. The mayor came by shortly afterwards and got as many ponies as she could to move the Ursa back to the forest. The crowd dispersed, and only Trixie, my friends, and myself were left.

I stretched out my neck in a gesture to demonstrate finality more than anything else. "Whelp, looks like we're done, here. I've got noodles going back home I should be getting back to."

"Yeah, Trixie would be going home soon, if the Ursa hadn't destroyed Trixie's trailer." Trixie sighed.

"Ah, that sucks." I concurred. "How about you come over to my place? We're having dinner in a few. Well, if the noodles don't get soggy, first."

Trixie perked up at my invitation. "You'd really let Trixie stay for a night?"

"Sure! We'll fix your trailer in the morning."

Trixie beamed at me. "Thank you! You've done a lot for me already!"

"Anytime." I replied with a nonchalant shrug.

"Whoa whoa wait a minute!" Rainbow interrupted, shooting in between us. "You just lied to a whole group of ponies! What's your deal?"

"Why not?" I asked unrepentantly. "It's only natural to lie to protect your friends."

"When did you and Trixie get so chummy, anyway?"

I chuckled. "She helped me out of a jam, and didn't even know me. Of course we'll be friends!" I walked down the street to my house. "See you later, girls! I need to get some sleep."

Spike and Trixie rushed to catch up to me, while I could feel Rainbow, Applejack, and Rarity glaring at us from behind. I didn't pay them much mind. Hell, I didn't even care that I hardly gave them an explanation. My head still felt like it was spinning, and I really wanted to lie down.

"Yeah, when did Trixie and Twilight become friends?" Trixie asked.

I glanced back at the sleeping Ursa, slowly being dragged along by a horde of unicorns and pegasi. An Ursa that I defeated with my magic. "You helped me sort out a few issues I had. Call me grateful."

We had a peaceful walk back to the library. The noodles were unfortunately in ruins for one reason or another (I'm not a cook), but that was not an issue as we just fixed something else. But as we ate dinner, I couldn't help but notice Spike's suspicious glares at me and Trixie. I was getting worried that he was catching on.

A Royal Pain

Finally, she was done. The sun was set and the paperwork was all signed. At last, Princess Celestia could go to bed.

It was a long day. As if it weren't enough to oversee countless forgettable files and raise the sun in the morning, the nobles were on riding her ass the best her little cowards could. Expand this, retract that. If she could tell them to sod off...

But that was all over. She heeded the siren's call of her irresistible royal bed, lying her head down on the plush pillow. She didn't even care that she still wore her regalia; she stopped noticing she was wearing it sometimes, anyway. Her eyes closed and she drifted off to dreamland.

A late-night scroll from her student landed on her face.

Celestia sighed, sitting up and rubbing the spot between her eyes. Twilight could have had Spike send the letter at more opportune time. Still, since she was up, she might as well give it a read. She rolled open the scroll and read its contents.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hi, it's Spike. Sorry to send you a letter so late in the day, but I had to be sure that Twilight didn't know about this.

Celestia thoughtfully hummed at that. It was strange enough that Spike wrote the letter, but why keep it a secret from Twilight?

She's been acting all out of sorts. She's taken up swearing, and she swears a lot. I don't think I've ever heard her curse something her entire life, and now she casually drops the most foul language possible every day with little provocation! Despite her sudden aptitude for colorful language, she's usually really calm and collected. I haven't seen her freak out over anything since we got here.

Celestia quirked an eyebrow. Wasn't that a good thing?

Actually, scratch that. Twilight has suddenly become very violent. I saw her beat down a diamond dog way more than necessary, start a fight with a griffin, and I'm pretty sure that sword in the bedroom isn't just for decoration.

As weird as all that is for Twilight, that's not the worst part. You remember what Twilight likes the most? Magic. And yet, Twilight said some very nasty things about magic on multiple occasions.

Something happened to Twilight when she encountered Nightmare Moon, because she's been acting strange ever since. I don't know what happened, but I do know that this mare isn't the real Twilight. Twilight is not this violent psychopath. Please, I need help. Please come to Ponyville. I know you'll agree that this isn't really Twilight.

The Real Twilight's Number One Assistant,

Spike.

Celestia stared at the paper for a few seconds. Strange, indeed. From what Spike wrote it sounded like there were four problems.

Twilight has been uncharacteristically calm. An odd choice for a concern.

Twilight's new-found aggression. Celestia couldn't remember Twilight getting upset enough to harm anyone, yet Spike brought up a few instances where such a thing occurred.

Twilight no longer likes magic. Especially vexing, considering Twilight's special talent. This was flat out impossible, yet Spike claims this is the case.

Twilight swears a lot. Celestia could personally attest to that, actually. Twilight did swear right in front of her, and her subjects usually held their tongues around her.

Spike suspects that Twilight has been replaced by someone or something. Maybe Spike was just being paranoid about his elder sister acting differently. But wait, he mentioned Nightmare Moon. Did he notice something reminiscent of the Nightmare in Twilight's behavior? If this was the case, then this was alarming news. Celestia couldn't afford to let anything remain from the vile influence of the Nightmare. She would have to investigate this.

In the morning, that is. Celestia plopped her head back onto the pillow and threw the letter away without the usual regal grace expected of her. Twilight and Spike would still be there later. It was likely just Spike's overactive imagination. Besides, even if there was nothing wrong, it would be nice to spend some time with Twilight for the first time in years. For now, she just needed to get some sleep.

I appraised the cards in my hooves carefully, comparing them to the cards lying on the kitchen table. I had a nine of hearts and a two of hearts in my hand, while the cards on the table were a six of clubs, a five of hearts, a six of hearts, eight of hearts, seven of spades, and an ace of diamonds. I held back a tiny smile, spying the flush that I was set to win.

Across the table from me, Spike pushed forward a few gems into a pile of gems, of which the pot consisted for the game. "I raise by two emeralds and a ruby."

With a straight face, I made my comeback. "Two emeralds, huh? Someone's confident." I pushed forward gems of my own. "I call."

Spike grinned, which means he thought he had something good. I seriously doubted he had anything that could beat a flush. With a grin of my own, we revealed our hands. I looked over his cards, and looked back at the cards on the table.

He had a four of hearts and a seven of hearts. My jaw dropped. The lucky bastard had a straight flush. He smugly collected his winnings. "You suck at this game, Twilight."

"No, you suck!" I lamely retorted. "Deal the cards!"

Spike chuckled and shuffled the deck with a shake of his head. "In case you haven't noticed, I have the majority of the gems. You're gonna lose soon at this rate." He dealt the cards, and replaced the deck.

"I never admit defeat," I growled. I picked up my cards and beheld my hand. An eight of clubs and a queen of diamonds.

Spike chuckled smugly at me again. "Well, you're gonna lose a lot today."

I glared challengingly at Spike. So he wanted to marathon me, huh? I'll show him! "I bet two sapphires."

With the tell-tale gait of a non-morning person, Trixie wobbled into the kitchen, rubbing one of her eyes of sleep. "Good morning, Twilight. Lizard."

Spike shot her a dirty look, but returned his focus on the game. I waved at her without looking away from the cards. "Hey, Trix. Oatmeal's simmering on the stove."

Trixie scooped out some oatmeal and sat next to me, observing our game of poker. Spike called my bet, and dealt three more cards: a king of diamonds, an eight of spades, and a three of hearts.

Spike scratched the back of his neck, and pushed forward a gem. "I bet a ruby."

While I spied that eight pair I had, I was wary of what Spike had this time. Trixie huffed. "He's bluffing." She whispered to me.

I shot her a glance, and pushed forward some gems of my own. "I raise by a sapphire."

For the vaguest of moments, I thought Spike was holding back a wince. He dropped his cards. "Fold."

I was surprised. I actually won a hand! "How'd you know he was bluffing?"

Trixie took a bite of oatmeal from her telekinesis. "Trixie's father is a card shark. Reading ponies runs in the family."

There was a knock at the door. Again. "Oh come on, when will people learn that you can just walk in? I live in a library!" I growled, looking in the direction of the front door.

Spike smiled up at me. "I think you should answer that."

"Yeah, yeah." I got up and walked to the front door. Trixie glared at Spike suspiciously, and followed me to the living room to see what the fuss was about. The knocking sounded again, and I pulled the door open.

"Hello, Twilight." The regal white alicorn said serenely.

I shut the door, eyes wide with disbelief. Oh shit, that was Princess Celestia! What was she doing here? Deep breaths, Twilight. She's at your door and demanding attention. I opened the door again.

"Hello again, Twilight." Celestia greeted, not bothered by my admittedly rude actions earlier.

"Hi, Princess!" I nervously returned the greeting. "Would you like to come inside?"

"I'd be honored." She replied. I stepped aside and let her walk inside, two royal guards taking flanking positions outside my door.

I closed the door and turned to the scene inside. Celestia stood proudly in the center of the room, Trixie staring slack-jawed at the princess next to a bowl of spilled oatmeal. Strangely, Spike was observing the scene with a smile. I cleared my throat nervously. "Well, feel free to take a seat anywhere. Would you like something to drink?"

"Yes please. I would like some tea, if you have it." Celestia said with that graceful smile of her's. You know the one.

"Okay, I'll get some tea started," I announced, retreating into the kitchen.

Once alone in the kitchen, I sighed. Great, this was perfect. I really wasn't looking forward to talking with Celestia. She knew who the real Twilight was, and here she was ready to hang out with her precious student. Sure, I've spoken with her a couple of times before but never for very long. At most, we only spoke for about a minute before she made a break for it. Not so much this time, it seems. I'll need to be very careful about what I say around her.

I rummaged around the cupboards and shelves for some tea stuff but found none. I looked in the fridge, but all that was there was various hay-versions of food I knew I liked and lots of orange juice. No tea.

Oh shit. Celestia wants tea. I don't have tea. Celestia is going to be so angry with me. I just know it. The real Twilight wouldn't disappoint her like I would, and then she'll know that something's up. Once she knows that something's up, she'll tear up my ass like an unimportant paper in a shredder.

I was panicking now. What do I do? How can I serve her tea if I have none!?

Wait, that's it! There's a window in here! I'll just climb out the window, run out to the store for some tea, come back, and quickly brew it and make excuses for what took so long!

Man, I'm a genius.

I swiped a gemstone from the table and slid the window open, hopping out and breaking into a full sprint down the road. I think the guards spotted me sprinting away, and they snickered about something, but I didn't pay them any mind. In my record time of two minutes, I got to the store and exchanged a gemstone for a single box of teabags. With my new cargo in tow, I ran outside the store.

I skid to a halt just before running into the familiar face of Rarity. She had a basket balanced on her back, presumably to buy some groceries before she found me. Judging by the slight glare, I'd say she was wanting to talk to me for some time. "Ah, I'm glad I ran into you, Twilight. I wanted to talk to you."

"You don't say?" I asked, glancing past Rarity at the road home.

"I do say. What would possess you to take the side of that excessive braggart, Trixie?" She demanded.

I trotted impatiently in place, hoping she would take the hint that I was in a hurry. "What can I say? She's a friend! I help my friends!"

"How could that brute of a unicorn possibly be your friend?"

I gazed longingly past Rarity. I was going to be here for a while, wasn't I? "She helped me get over a few problems I had. She's cool like that."

"Well, your 'cool' new friend turned my mane green."

"So what? Green's a great color!"

Rarity scoffed. "With my coat and complexion? You must be joking!"

I rolled my eyes. "I don't see what the big deal is. So what, she gave you a dye-job."

Rarity's glare intensified. "She humiliated me in front of the whole town!"

"And you interrupted her show to slander her in front of an audience, what's your point?"

"Slander? I'll have you know that she was boasting to an insufferable degree about her magic prowess!"

"It's a magic show, Rarity. The whole point of the act is to make you believe that she's more powerful than she is."

"And you expect us to sit idly by as she spout these horrendous lies?"

"Yes! It's an act for entertainment purposes! If you're being offended by it, then you're missing the point of acting!"

"Well, it's not a very pleasant act."

I scraped my hooves down my face with impatience and frustration. I reached my limits. "Look, I'll gladly argue with you about this later, but I have to get back to the guest back at my house that I ditched real quick to get some tea. Nice talking to you, later, bye!" I sprinted off before Rarity could reply, barreling around the corner to the library.

I passed by the guards again, one of them exchanging bits with the other for some reason, and began climbing inside the window, thankful that I was soon able to do what I needed.

"Had a nice walk, Twilight?" Asked that regal voice, which I just learned could scare the crap out of you. She caught me halfway through the window.

I smiled sheepishly at the princess. "Uhh, I found some tea, after all?"

Celestia shook her head with a light chuckle. "Twilight, if you didn't have any tea, I would have understood perfectly. There's no need to trouble yourself like this."

"Heh heh, I'll remember that next time." I promised.

Celestia smiled with understanding. "I'll be waiting in the living room."

Celestia walked out of the kitchen. I sighed with relief. Good, she wasn't angry or anything. Lucky for me that she was more forgiving than I expected. Maybe I was wrong about her?

Now that I thought of it, I read a few headlines in the paper that contradicted my image for Celestia. Guzzling tea like she was at a frat party and wearing lampshades at formal parties was a far cry from the prim and proper image she supposedly has. Perhaps Celestia was just like the common folk, after all.

I brewed up some tea and levitated it out to the living room, feeling more calm and relaxed about the presence of royalty. Celestia sat across from Trixie who was smiling nervously at the monarch. Spike sat next to Trixie on the couch, eying me smugly for some reason. I set the tea down on the table in the center of the room and took a seat apart from everyone else.

Celestia observed me with an idle smile. "I must say you look to be in good shape, Twilight. Have you been exercising?"

I nodded. "Yup. I've been going to the gym for a while now. I also can't forget about my runs."

"It is good that you are more outgoing than usual. I'm glad to see you getting some fresh air for a change."

Hmm, maybe if I pretend to have a banter with her, I can indirectly learn more about my persona. "Oh, I wasn't that bad. I got out sometimes."

"No offense to you, Twilight, but the most exercise you got in Canterlot was carrying a fresh set of books from the library."

Aw, I already know that I'm supposed to be a bibliophile. What else you got, princess? "Okay, so I was very private for a time. That's not so bad, is it?"

"I suppose not, but it's still very fortunate that you opened up."

"So... is it because you're glad I'm making friends, or because I helped save Equestria a couple of times?"

"A little of Column A, a little of Column B." She admitted.

I laughed politely at her unusually casual phrasing. "Yeah, I'm glad we saved Equestria, too."

Celestia nodded and sipped from her teacup. She looked around the room, settling on the Toph statue I still had in the corner. "My, what a lovely statue. Where did you get it?"

I admired my handiwork once again. "Ah, that. I don't wanna bore you with the details, but I made that with my magical power. Ain't no biggie."

Celestia's smile widened at that. "So I take it you've been busy with your magic?"

"You could say that." I answered.

"How have your magic studies been going?"

"Pretty good."

"Have you lost heart at any point, perhaps?"

Odd question. Was Twilight subject to discouragement? "No, I've actually gotten more into it now. You wouldn't believe some of the things you can do with magic."

Celestia's expression softened. Weird, I didn't realize how tense she was until now. "That's good to hear. May I ask what kind of spells you've researched?"

"Sure. I've mostly been focusing on battle magic for a little while. Most recently, I've learned how to summon constructs from the ground."

Celestia's calm smile dropped to an expression of wary appraisal. "Why have you been studying battle magic?"

I stiffened under her gaze. Who knew Celestia's frowns were so powerful? "Uh... well, I live in a town that borders the Everfree Forest. That's a good reason, right?"

Celestia relaxed. "Ah yes, that makes sense. One wouldn't want to live near such a dangerous place without some guarantee of safety."

Fluttershy's smiling face came to mind. Now that I thought of it, she was pretty hardcore for living right on its border. Maybe we should hang out some more?

Spike spoke up for the first time in the conversation. "By the way, Twilight. Have you been getting into any more fights?"

"That's a very good question, Spike." Celestia commended. "So? Have you been fighting, my faithful student?"

I shot Spike a disapproving look for his ill-timed query. I was trying to make good with the princess, damn it! "Not since the Diamond Dogs, no."

Celestia raised a curious eyebrow. "And you didn't 'beat them up more than necessary'?"

"I think I reserve the right to be extremely furious when someone tries to take me and my friends into slavery."

Celestia slowly looked to Spike. "I wasn't aware of that part." I looked between the two of them. Something was going on between them, but I didn't know what. Shaking her head, Celestia returned her focus to me. "Now I only have one more question for you. You seem to be more relaxed than usual. To be honest, I was expecting you to act more like your friend Trixie over there."

I looked at Trixie, whose nervous smile returned as she muttered. "T-Trixie is f-fine! She's n-not nervous at all!"

"Yeah, I see how one would expect me to be like that, but you said you had a question for me?"

"Indeed I do. You were nervous enough earlier to sneak out and find some tea, yet you now have the presence of mind to hold a polite conversation with me without feeling overwhelmed. What changed?"

"Just to clarify, do you want to know how I'm more casual in general or just recently?"

"I'd like to hear both."

I nodded. "Alright. Well, I suppose I'm more casual around you now that I came to the realization that you are nicer and more forgiving than royalty usually is. In fact, you seem to be much more casual than I expected considering your public demeanor."

Celestia breathed a sigh of relief and slouched slightly in her chair. "Thank goodness that somepony finally noticed. It's often difficult to live up to those regal expectations at every hour, every day."

"Yeah, pretending can be fun for a little while, but it gets dull pretty quickly." I agreed with a little more understanding than she realized. Then again, her surprised look told another story.

"You sound like you're speaking from experience. Don't tell me your bookish and studious tendencies were all just an act!" Celestia declared in disbelief.

Grateful for Celestia's phrasing, I jumped at the chance to retcon Twilight's entire past. "Guilty as charged. I'm more for hanging out, nowadays."

Celestia leaned forward with interest. "Really? Is there a friendship lesson in this?"

"I suppose so. If there is one thing my friends have taught me over the past months, it's that one must stay true to themselves. Long term lies ultimately hurt relationships." I said, the words ringing hallow in my head.

Celestia smiled. "Well spoken, Twilight. On the subject of falsehoods, I feel that I must reveal the purpose for my being here. You see, Spike asked me to come here."

I glanced curiously at Spike, who stared with anticipation at Celestia. "Really? What for?"

"He seems to be under the impression that something happened to you. He asked me to come and make a determination about your behavior, fearing that you are an imposter." Celestia announced.

I hid my shock behind a mask of calm. So Spike figured me out. "I see. What reason is there to doubt my authenticity?"

"Reason one: Twilight is unusually calm as of late." She listed. "You did panic earlier which contradicts this reasoning, though you explained that you are more calm now because you understand that I am more forgiving than ponies give me credit for.

"Reason two: Twilight has been more aggressive. This I understand, for you were being provoked by severe circumstances.

"Reason three: Twilight no longer likes magic. The way you spoke about magic does not support this premise. You spoke about your magic as if it were a paintbrush used by an artist, and I doubt there is a painter who hates their tools.

"Reason four: You swear an awful lot. This I have heard from you, but I remember you went through a strenuous ordeal at the time. You are being quite open with me, and you have not spoken a single swear. More than likely, Spike just heard you interject a bad word in frustration and overreacted.

"In short, I think that there is nothing wrong. You have simply changed, Twilight. You are more open about your feelings, and Spike wasn't used to the 'new you'. I believe that you simply must spend some more time together and really come to understand one another."

"WHAT!?" Spike declared in disbelief. "But she's acting completely different than usual!"

"I feel that we've already established the reason for Twilight's behavior." Celestia reminded.

Spike was stubbornly sticking to his guns, so I elected to bring up something that raised serious doubts about his claims. "Spike, weren't you reading a sci-fi novel just a few weeks ago? Wasn't it about body-snatchers or something?"

Celestia raised a brow at Spike. "Is that so? I have a feeling I know why Spike is so interested in this matter."

"B-but..." Spike stuttered, his arguments catching in his throat.

Celestia shook her head. "It's quite alright. I understand the paranoia one feels after reading such a story, but you must realize that those are just tales of fiction. They are not real, nor will they ever be real." Celestia stood from her seat. "It was nice to see you both and meet your friend, but I must be going. I still have my duties to Equestria to attend to."

"Thanks for stopping by. This was an enlightening conversation." I said.

"Perhaps we should have another visit under more casual circumstances." She proposed. "In any case, it was nice to see you. And miss Trixie, I hope to speak to you again. Maybe the next time we meet you'll be able to say something?"

Trixie nervously nodded.

With a wave from me and a friendly farewell from the princess, Celestia left the library. I heard a brief murmur from outside as the princess left Ponyville in her chariot, but things settled down soon afterwards.

Trixie breathed a sigh of relief. "Great. Trixie believes she will go lie down for a minute."

"But you talk in front of large groups of ponies all the time. Surely a tiny chat with Celestia wasn't that bad?" I asked.

Trixie glared at me as if her answer was obvious. "Most ponies are not princesses."

"I take it you're nervous around royalty?"

"No!" Trixie quickly replied jumping up to her hooves. "Trixie fears nopony! She just needs time to... recover from her ordeal, that's all."

I nodded my understanding but made no effort to show how little I believed her. "Okay, have a nice nap."

"Trixie doesn't nap, she meditates!" She corrected.

"Right, what was I thinking?" I replied sarcastically.

Trixie didn't even acknowledge my sarcasm and walked upstairs to the guest room. By the way, my house has a guest room. With Celestia and Trixie gone, that left me and Spike alone. Spike looked understandably nervous considering he just tried to get Celestia on my case. This left me with a dilemma. Spike just demonstrated that he knew my secret and he was going to be a thorn in my side. I got lucky this time, but I doubted I could outplay Spike for long.

Something had to be done. Spike would continue to undermine me until the secret is out and I couldn't let that happen. What could I possibly do, though? There wasn't much I was willing to do for the sake of convenience in this case, but I had to nip this problem in the bud.

Then I remembered my trump card and specialty: bluffing. I mean, I could lock him in the basement, but I like my other plan better. So I sat closer to Spike and prepared for another dose of lies. First, the setup. "You really think I'm some kind of imposter, huh?"

Spike scooted further away from me. "Y-yeah. So what are you going to do to me?"

"Nuthin'."

"Huh?"

I shrugged. "You didn't do anything wrong, Spike. You were just mistaken about my identity, that's all. I figure I owe you an explanation for my behavior though, don't I?"

Spike nodded. "Yeah?"

"You see me with those glasses of water I drink while I read, right?"

"Uh huh?"

Then I proceeded to do what every alcoholic does: blame alcohol. "What makes you think it was water I was drinking?"

Spike glared flatly. "You mean to tell me that you're drinking something else?"

"Yup. At all hours of the day, you can find me drinking from bottles of scotch I hid all around the library."

Spike stared at me for a few moments and shrugged. "Sure, that makes sense."

I patted him on the shoulder. "Yeah, so don't worry. I'm acting different not because I'm a shape-shifter or something; I'm just drunk."

Spike seemed to accept my answer. "Okay, I understand. Sorry for trying to get you into trouble."

"Don't worry about it. We all make mistakes."

In the early afternoon, Trixie and Twilight left the library. When the door closed, Spike snorted in frustration. "She's drunk all the time"? How dumb did she think he is? Spike knew better than to buy into that bologna.

That day marked a serious stumbling block on his path to success. If this imposter could fool Celestia, then the real Twilight was in serious trouble. It could be a very long time before he ever saw Twilight again unless he found some way to unveil this monster. Spike needed help, and he needed to find somepony who could.

The question remained: who among Twilight's friends trusted her the least?

Twilight's Seven Days (Part 1)

When Twilight and Trixie began their work on Trixie's trailer in the backyard, Spike was ready to speak with one of Twilight's friends. He needed somepony that hated lies, and he only knew of one pony that outright accused Twilight of lying: Applejack. Spike walked to the front door of the library.

Spike slipped comically on an empty glass bottle, practically somersaulting and slamming back down on his back before he could reach the door. He sat up and stretched his back from the fall, looking at the bottle with disdain for the interruption. He crawled over and read its inscription. Mighty Mack's Liquid Courage: The Offical Cider of Giving No Bucks!

"You can find me drinking from bottles of scotch I hid all around the library."

Clever bitch.

Shaking his head, Spike finally left the library for Sweet Apple Acres. But what was he going to say? "Hey Applejack! Did you know that Twilight is a body-snatching beast from another dimension?" Yeah, that wouldn't go very well. Making this particularly difficult is the fact that AJ has never met Twilight before Ponyville, so he'd need to be especially persuasive.

When Spike stood before the fields of Sweet Apple Acres, he took a deep breath. He only had a vague plan in mind and only the sound of whacking to guide him. He ventured forth towards the sound and finding who he was looking for.

"Morning AJ!" He greeted her mid-kick. "How are you doing today?"

Applejack bucked the tree, dropping apples into buckets. "Mornin' Spike! Ahm doin' great. What can ah do for ya?"

"I was hoping you had time to talk."

"Ah guess we could talk while ah buck." She figured. "Somethin' on your mind?"

"Yeah, it's about Twilight."

Applejack positioned herself by another tree. "Somethin' wrong with her?" She kicked the tree for more falling fruit. "This don't have nuthin' to do with Trixie, does it? She bein' a pest?"

"No. Well, yes, but that's not what I'm here about." Spike explained. "I wanna know what you think about Twilight herself."

Applejack quirked an eyebrow at the strange question. "Where's this comin' from?"

"Just humor me, please?"

Applejack was silent for a moment to contemplate the circumstances, but she answered Spike. "Well, she can be right helpful when she wants to be. She's pretty nice, too. She's a good friend."

AJ's answer wasn't as helpful as Spike wanted, so he elaborated further. "But doesn't she seem odd to you? Have you noticed the strange ways she behaves?"

"Well, sure, she can be a bit of a hothead, but so can Rainbow Dash." Applejack said. "Ahm more worried about her lyin' habits."

"But why does she lie so much?" Spike asked. "I've known her my entire life, and I've never learned anything that she needed to hide."

Applejack wasn't so sure about where this conversation was headed all of a sudden. "What are you sayin', then?"

"I've lived with Twilight for years, so I know everything about her. But now she's hiding something from us that I know nothing about. On top of that, it's like she's a completely different pony than before. I've never known Twilight to lie like this. Ever since we came to Ponyville, Twilight has been acting funny and I didn't know what to think of it."

Applejack interrupted Spike for clarification. "What do you mean by 'actin' funny'?"

Spike held up his claws to count the ways. "For starters, she's acting like she's new to Equestria. Did you know that the very second we arrived in Ponyville she didn't know who Nightmare Moon was?"

"Do you mean Princess Luna before we became the Elements of Harmony or the Nightmare Moon of Nightmare Night?"

"Both. It's as if Twilight suddenly forgot the reason she came here. She didn't know anything about any of Equestria's holidays; she had to look them up. Then she's gotten so rude all of a sudden, using all kinds of words that she told me never to say like they're going out of style. She doesn't organize the library as much as she did her room back in Canterlot, she reads comic books like she's been reading them all her life, and she had a short lived hatred for all things related to magic."

Applejack scratched the side of her head, not following Spike's point. "Yeah, we all know that stuff. How's she supposed to be actin'?"

"Last I checked Twilight loved magic, so much so that her special talent was magic. She didn't read comics at all. She only read 'real books'. When she wasn't reading them, she'd arrange her books on the shelves by categories. Twilight hates a library with an alphanumerical sorting system. Twilight is hard working and driven, and she wouldn't put off a task because it quote: 'will be a pain in the ass'."

"Oh, that sounds way different." Applejack conceded.

"The real question is what she's lying about." Spike continued. "I know the real Twilight, and the real Twilight is behaving radically different. From this I conclude that Twilight is lying about who she is."

"So what does that mean?" Applejack asked. "Do you think she's lyin' to us so she can impress us or somethin'? Because I swear, if that's the case, then she doesn't have to hide who she really is just to stay friends with us."

"There's more to it than that." Spike replied. "She tried to reveal something to us before we met Zecora, but she decided against it."

"Gee, thanks for reminding me," Applejack groaned.

Spike waved wildly to defuse the situation. "No no, that's not it! The real problem is what made her change her mind. My guess is that she saw how you regarded Zecora and somehow applied that to herself."

"Yer not makin' me feel better about this."

"Okay, my point is that the only reason that happened to Zecora is that she's not a pony. If that's the case, then why would Twilight, a pony, feel the need to clam up like that? I conclude that she's lying about being a pony."

Applejack's face contorted in disbelief. "Say what now? How could a unicorn like Twi not be a pony?"

"Because all the behavior I mentioned is explained by this answer. Why did Twilight forget about Nightmare Moon and the holidays? Why does Twilight act so inconsistently? Why did she freak out at Sugarcube Corner? Why does Twilight litter the library with empty bottles? Because she's not a pony; she's either a body-snatcher or a shapeshifter."

"Now yer just jumpin' to conclusions." Applejack said. "Just because she's actin' different now and taken up a few new habits doesn't mean she's an alien."

"But Twilight's not like this!" Spike insisted.

Applejack sighed. "Look, it's great that you told me sumthin's wrong with Twilight, but ah don't think that 'aliens' is the best explanation. Yer probably just imaginin' things so ya don't have to think of her as anythin' less than perfect."

"But what about her freaking out in the Diamond Dog caves?"

"We were all a little upset, Spike. Ah guess Twilight was just the first to snap under the pressure."

Spike opened his mouth to make a rebuttal, but nothing came out. Those were all of his best arguments, and none of them were good enough to convince her. He couldn't think of anything else.

Seeing Spike sagging in defeat, Applejack placed a reassuring hoof on his shoulder. "Look, ah would like to help, but ah have to work extra hard on the farm fer a couple of days, so ah have to stay put fer now. But ah'll tell ya what, let Twilight know that ah'm goin' to Appleloosa soon and she's invited to come along. All her friends are comin' with me, and we're gonna be spendin' a nice long week out there. Ah could talk to her about it while we're out there. Sound fair?"

Spike reluctantly nodded. "Yeah, I guess that sounds good."

Applejack smiled. "Good. Ah'm glad ya came by. Ah was goin' to send Apple Bloom to tell her about the trip, but ah guess you could do it instead, huh?"

Spike gave her a half-smile. "Yeah, fancy that. I guess I'll go let her know, then."

Spike and Applejack made their farewells, but Spike's shoulders were slumped the whole way back to town. That's one more pony he won't be able to count on in the future. Two ponies down, one of which was the most likely, and four more remained. Hopefully the others would be more willing to accept his theory than he expected.

I studied the book floating beside me very carefully, making sure I wasn't making any mistakes. It was a guide to carpentry, which was helpful for the task at hand. I raised my hammer over a nail and slammed it back down, driving the nail into the board near the top of our construction. I examined the trailer that Trixie and I have been working on for nearly a straight week. "Looks alright to me."

"Of course it does. You've been referring to that book of yours since we started." Trixie commented.

"I'm just making sure we were doing it right. I've never built a trailer from scratch before."

"Well Trixie has. We could have gotten finished sooner had you followed Trixie's instructions!"

"But I have a guide to carpentry in my house! When will I ever have the chance to use it again?"

Trixie huffed. "Trixie swears you're as stubborn as a stallion."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, whatever, at least we're done. Now we can go back inside and not get roasted by the sun."

We brought our supplies back into the library and stored them in my basement. We sat in the living room and lounged, striking up a conversation now that we completed our task. "So what's next for Trixie's magic show?" I asked. "I'll bet you're ready to move on and wow some crowds."

"Trixie is ready, indeed." She announced. "Trixie will travel far and wide to spread her name across Equestria! Starting tomorrow."

"Cool. I bet I'll read about you in some newspapers in the near future."

Trixie smiled confidently. "Of course! Trixie is soon to be known as the greatest mare who ever lived!" She couldn't resist rearing up and setting off illusory fireworks in dramatic fanfare.

I merely eyed the receding lights from the harmless blasts with idle curiosity. Regardless, I was parched, so I stood back up. "I'm getting something to drink. You want something while I'm up?"

"Orange soda will suffice."

With a nod, I walked into the kitchen and dug out the two liter bottle with my magic, filling up two cups. I put the bottle away and turned to leave, but a piece of paper on the table caught my eye. My head tilted with interest, I picked it up in my magic and read its contents.

Went to Appleloosa with the girls. Be back next week.

-Spike.

Spike carried with him only a small sack of gems he slung over his shoulder. He wasn't going to be needing much more than that, since it counted both as food and cash should he need it. Spike boarded the train to find his friends chatting. All eyes fell on him in short order.

"Howdy Spike! Where's Twilight?" Applejack asked.

"She's still helping Trixie with her trailer, so she couldn't make it." Spike answered. Sure, they were nearly done with their construction project, but it made for a convenient excuse for why he came alone.

"Aw man, I was hoping she would come." Rainbow said with a groan of disappointment. "I wanted a good drinking buddy for a dive at the saloon."

"What about me? You know ah can hold my liquor." Applejack offered.

Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Sorry Miss Restraint, but I was looking forward to having a drinking partner who's not afraid to drink herself into a stupor or afraid of a night in the slammer. You know, just in case we get into a bar fight or something."

"Ah hope you ain't plannin' on causin' trouble." Applejack warned.

"Yeah yeah, I'll be good." Rainbow waved her off.

Spike looked next to Rarity to see if there was an empty seat. There was unfortunately not, as Rarity sat next to the window and Fluttershy had the only available spot. Spike sat next to Fluttershy instead, who smiled down at him.

"Twilight's helping somepony make a trailer? Wow, that sounds so nice for her!" Fluttershy praised. Her eyes widened in shock when she realized the implications of what she said. "Oh, um, I mean that sounds so nice even for Twilight!"

Spike rolled his eyes at Fluttershy's sheepish smile. He was sure her little slip-up was right on the money. Even if Fluttershy didn't realize it, this imposter using Twilight's name was totally evil and planning something big. That was part of the genius of leaving on this trip: While he got some time away from the imposter, the Twilight Clone would likely not miss him since it could use that time to work on its plan. He would get away scot-free with leaving it behind.

Still, what could the imposter have planned? Whatever it was must be diabolical.

"What the hell?" I asked an empty room.

Trixie came in shortly to find out what my deal was. "What's the reason for the questioning of your kitchen, Twilight?"

I passed her the note and stared at a wall in the kitchen. "Spike left for Appleloosa for a little while and he took my friends with him."

Trixie quickly read the note and set it down. "Huh. Trixie always knew that lizard was a brat. Who does he think he is for leaving his sister behind like that without even letting her know ahead of time?"

I felt an ache in my chest. I rubbed at my pain to soothe it away. Trixie noticed this and approached me with concern. "Are you alright, Twilight?"

The pain, as slight as it was, died away. "Yeah, it was probably just indigestion or something. I'll get over it."

Trixie's gaze indicated that she thought there was more to it, but she didn't elaborate. "So what do you plan to do now that you're on your own?"

"Well, they won't be gone for too long." I reasoned. "I can think of a few things with which to occupy myself for a few days."

Trixie looked unconvinced, though I swear I wasn't lying. "Hmm, tell you what. How about we hang out for the rest of the day?"

I was curious about her reasoning for this, but I accepted anyway. "Okay. What should we do, then? It's only a little after noon."

Trixie rubbed her chin in thought. "Well, we could go to the movies. Trixie saw a small theater on her way in, and they might have something interesting."

"Sounds good."

I was actually pretty interested in finding out what pony movies were like. Human movies were all about clever camera positions and the use of machines for filming, so I had to wonder how incredible a movie made in a world of magic might appear. So we gathered a few bits for tickets and snacks and made our way there.

There were two movies that we could see. One was some boring looking romance and the other was based on the comic Rainmaker. Hmm, a sappy love story or a movie about a stallion hurling lightning bolts at crime? I wonder which I should have chosen.

"Ooh, Love Haven looks good." Trixie said.

"Blech." I glared at the movie poster in question. "Give me an action movie any day."

"Oh come on, even you have to have some interest in romantic things." Trixie reasoned.

"Hey, unlike you, I don't have some grand dream of a prince sweeping me off my hooves. I'd rather watch a movie suited more for the super violence guys like me crave."

"For your information," Trixie countered. "Trixie's preferred partner would be a farmer. Somepony who's strong and stoic, like a rock. And secondly, you're a mare."

I rolled my eyes. "I stand corrected. Regardless, I would prefer fight scenes over sex scenes."

"Then Trixie supposes we should each see different movies."

"Works for me."

"Good."

"Good."

We bought our tickets and split up to see different movies. It figures that mine sucked.

Day Two

Trixie and I stood just outside the library, beside Trixie's newly finished trailer. It was just about the time that Trixie said she would be leaving, and I was set on seeing her off.

"Well, Trixie appears to have all of her belongings." She observed. "Trixie should be moving on soon."

"Alright. It was good meeting you, Trix." I said.

"And Trixie is thankful for all your help." Trixie adopted a concerned frown. "Are you sure you'll be okay on your own?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." I replied.

"Are you sure? Trixie could stay in town for a few more days if you get lonely." She offered.

"Hah!" I laughed dismissively. "Me? Lonely? Not a chance!"

Trixie gave me an unconvinced smile. "If you say so, Twilight." She hitched herself to her trailer. "Again, Trixie is thankful that she met you."

"And it was nice having you over." I said in reply.

"Maybe Trixie will grace you with her glorious presence upon her return. Farewell, Twilight Sparkle!"

Trixie hauled her trailer into the distance. I waved and shouted a final farewell before she truly left my sight. Then I was on my own. I chuckled once more at Trixie's concerns. Seriously, how could she think I would get lonely? I've lived alone for years before I came to Equestria, so that would be impossible. Truly a laughable prospect.

I took a deep breath. It just occurred to me that I didn't know what I should be doing. I took a moment to think about it. Should I read something? Nah, I can do that anytime. I would play cards, but I didn't have anyone around with which to play. Solitaire? Hell no, I wasn't that desperate.

Ah, that's right, today was a gym day! I had a plan after all!

I trotted over to the gym for foreleg day. The atmosphere inside was the same as usual: Stallions all over the place doing a variety of workouts. It was another busy day, though that seemed more standard than not. I spied a bench that was unused near the center and sat on it.

I stretched my limbs to ready myself for some bench presses. Yes, even ponies bench. Anyway, while I was stretching and getting ready to bench around a hundred pounds, the unmistakable overly-muscular pegasus who frequents this place approached me. He stood nearby, though I wondered why he was keeping that much of a distance.

"HELLO! I NOTICED YOU WERE GOING TO DO SOME BENCH PRESSES WITHOUT A SPOTTER! WOULD YOU MIND IF I SPOT FOR YOU!?" He yelled excessively loud. Shit, my ears were ringing even at the distance from which he screamed. No wonder he kept his distance.

I rubbed my ears. "Uh, sure. I doubt I'm going to need one, but I would appreciate it."

"ALRIGHT! MY NAME IS SNOWFLAKE, BY THE WAY!" He "said".

"I'm Twilight." I said, returning the introduction. We both got into position and I grabbed the bar. "So I see you come here often."

"YEAH! NOTHING BEATS THE FEELING OF A GREAT WORKOUT! I ALSO SEE YOU COMING HERE A LOT!"

I lifted the bar with a grunt, pulling it downwards and pushing it up for a full rep. "Yeah, just trying to get in shape."

"WELL YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD!" He complimented. "And really nice." He half-whispered, though it had the same volume as someone else talking normally.

I held the bar all the way above me for a moment to consider what he said, though I didn't think too hard for I had more pressing concerns. The one hundred pounds that my legs were strenuously keeping from smashing into me, for instance. "Right. Well you look like you can juggle an aircraft carrier."

"WHAT'S AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER?"

I took a steadying breath. "I'll tell you some other time."

We were both mostly silent for a while. Rep after rep passed, and I figured Snowflake's silence was him being considerate of my concentration. After about twenty more reps, Snowflake spoke up again. "SO, YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY!"

I froze with the bar held way above me, eyes widened with shock. Please tell me he wasn't...

He was. He gave me the invitation I really didn't want to hear. "DO YOU MAYBE WANT TO GET SOME COFFEE SOMETIME!?"

I dropped the bar onto my chest, forcing out my breath. "Aughf!"

Snowflake yelped and easily lifted the bar off of me. Like seriously, he didn't even have to try. "OH MY GOSH, I'M SORRY, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN PAYING MORE ATTENTION! ARE YOU ALRIGHT!?"

I sat up, rubbing at the pain in my chest. "Yeah, I'm alright. I just wasn't expecting that."

I took a moment to catch my breath and relax, but when I looked at Snowflake, he looked so hopeful. He was really hoping that he could go out with me. Crap, I had to find some way to let him down without hurting his feelings. Right off the bat, the first excuse that came to mind was that I was gay. I rejected that idea immediately. Here was a dude asking me out on a date. Only gay guys ask guys out on dates, and there was no way that I could get away with...

Oh right, I'm in the body of a mare. Okay, never mind, that'll totally work. "Uh, sorry to break it to you, but I don't swing that way."

Snowflake stared at me for a moment of silence. "...Oh."

"Yeah. So I'm not really interested, but I'm very flattered you'd think of me."

Despite my best efforts to avoid it, we had a long awkward moment. Fortunately for us, the universe in charge of making sure I can't sit still for more than a minute decided to throw me a curveball. We overheard a conversation just nearby that caught our attention. A baby blue unicorn stallion with a smug look on his face was talking to a very familiar pegasus. At least I hoped the pegasus looked familiar, because she looked exactly like me if I were a pegasus and had a white coat with a green and pink mane. The resemblance was uncanny. It was as if some animator made a copy of Twilight Sparkle and recolored her to make a new pony.

Anyway, judging by the look on her face, she wasn't too keen on talking to that guy. I wondered why, but then the stallion made the mistake of opening his stupid, worthless mouth. "Come on, beautiful, surely you'd like to go out with a hunk like me?"

Snowflake groaned and whispered. "Oh no, not Tail Chaser again."

"Tail Chaser"? Oh my God, who would give that name to their child? That was just asking for him to grow up into a real bastard.

The mare narrowed her eyes at him. "I said no."

"Come on." He insisted. He showed off the muscle in his legs. "Mares dig me for good reason."

"Well I don't." The mare countered.

"Baby, if you spent a night with me, you'd realize what you were missing for all these years."

"Wow, what a prick." I loudly proclaimed in his direction.

Chaser's ear swiveled in my direction, but he made no other move to indicate he acknowledged my comment. The mare scoffed at him. "I can do without a poisonous influence in my life, thanks."

Chaser, oblivious to good sense, insisted some more. "You don't need to spend time in this gym just to feel good, you know. I can do that for you anytime."

"Oh, I get it now. He's not just a prick, he's an asshole." I said.

Chaser looked over at me with a seething glare. "Hey, I'm not talking to you, dyke."

I hopped off the bench and stormed up to him with fire in my eyes. "The fuck did you just call me?"

He squared himself at me. "I called you a dyke, dyke. So what's your problem? Why are you slandering me?"

"It's not slander if it's true, you son of a bitch." I growled.

"You're just saying that because nopony wants you." He insulted. "You only hang out in the gym because that's the only way you can get the attention of other filly foolers, because you know that your body is the only reason anyone would pay attention to a whor-"

I wasn't going to stand for any more of this dick's rambling, so I punched him in the jaw. He wasn't expecting a mare like me to deck him like that, so he tumbled to the floor. He checked his teeth to make sure he didn't lose any, and glared up at me. "Don't make me get up and put you in your place, bitch!"

I beckoned him. "Well get back up and try if you've got the balls!"

He got up and raised a hoof at me. He wasn't going to punch me, no, he was going to slap me. The thing about slapping is that it is completely useless in a fight, so I just caught his hoof before it reached me, and I placed another punch in his face. He stepped back from my attack and swung a hoof at me to keep me from advancing. I followed him anyway, taking the hit without a fuss just so I could slam my hoof into his gut. He stumbled back some more to gain some distance.

Up to now, it looked like he was expecting an easy fight. Now he got serious, for he charged at me unexpectedly and tackled me to the floor. He sat on top of me and punched me in the mouth. Years of getting into fights made me take the hit with relative ease, and I grabbed his head, ramming his face into mine. While he got disoriented from the blow, I took a wild swing at his face. The blow luckily connected and forced him to roll off me.

We both got back to our hooves and stared each other down. The pussy was no longer willing to fight me in hand to hand, so he lit up his horn for a spell. I braced myself for anything he might throw at me.

Except the object came from behind. It was one of those really large dumbells slamming into the back of my head. I fell to the ground, feeling like the world was spinning around me. I lied still to regain my bearings for a few moments. When I came around moments later, I found that Chaser was taking a breather. I got back up and grabbed him. He tried fighting back but I was in a full rage. I lifted him up and slammed him down onto a bench. He fell off of the bench and rolled back to his hooves. I was on the attack now, and I wasn't about to let him use his magic on me again. I charged up my Energy Bolt spell and blasted him. He flew across the room and hit an anonymous workout machine.

He struggled up to his hooves and scowled at me. "You'll get yours, bitch, even if it's the last thing I do!"

I stepped closer to him to resume his ass-kicking, but he took that moment to bolt like the coward he was. When he went out the door, I plopped onto a bench and rolled my head around and stretched my forelegs. That was one for the record books: I won my first fight in Equestria!

Snowflake and the other mare came up to me. Snowflake spoke first. "ARE YOU ALRIGHT!? HE HIT YOU AN AWFUL LOT!"

I held up my hooves to calm him down. "Relax, it's just a few bumps. I'll be fine."

"STILL, I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU!"

"I, for one, am happy that he's gone now." The mare said. "But don't you think that you went a little too far in starting a fight?"

I raised an eyebrow. "I kicked his ass because he was calling me a whore. I can't stand that shit."

Hearing my language, the mare frowned with concern. "Are you sure you're okay? You sound upset."

"Nah, I'm good. I just like my curse words." I held out my hoof. "I'm Twilight."

The mare accepted my hoof. "I'm Blossomforth."

We shook hooves. I looked between my two new acquaintances and had a thought come to mind. Snowflake here was attracted to me, and he stood right next to a mare who looked almost exactly like me. That was a perfect coincidence, for if Snowflake could get someone as extraordinary as myself, then he could at least find somebody. "Blossomforth, have you met Snowflake here?"

"No, I haven't." Blossomforth looked up at Snowflake and held out her hoof. "Nice to meet you."

"NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO!" Snowflake greeted with a hoofshake.

"It's nice to meet new people, isn't it?" I asked. "I'd like to stick around and chat, but I've got my workout in for the day. You two have fun and play nice, alright?"

I got up and made off towards the exit. "Wait, you're just leaving?" Blossomforth called after me.

"Yeah, I'll just leave you alone. Maybe you two could get some coffee sometime?" I suggested with a wink. I left them behind, hopefully so that they could get more acquainted. As for me, I was going to recover from today. After all, kicking ass makes for some great exercise.

Later that day, I was studying in the library. I had determined that the absence of all my friends was the perfect opportunity to get some serious magic practice in without the distractions. Since I was alone in the library, I figured that I could work on transformation spells.

Since I knew I was a transmutation specialist, and I was a bit impatient to get my human body back, I decided that I would work on giving myself human attributes. I read through the basics of the transformation spells and fit in whatever data I needed for some of the empty dweomers. I was ready for my first attempt at giving myself human limbs.

I closed my eyes, fired up my horn, and cast the spell. I felt my right foreleg morph into a new shape, growing new additions onto my hoof. When the spell ceased its effects, I opened my eyes and looked at the results.

I was greeted with the sight of a bare purple arm. I had a hand, complete with fingers I could wiggle on the end. I successfully transformed my foreleg into a human arm. I was ecstatic over my progress. Sure, the arm was the same color as my coat and it was too slim to be male, but that didn't matter to me then. Who cared if I would need a gender bending spell in the future? All that mattered was that I could soon return to being a human again.

Twilight's Seven Days (Part 2)

I came downstairs the next morning for breakfast. Spike must have gotten up before me again, so he was likely already making something. Of course, I was initially confused when I saw a completely empty kitchen. That was strange, where did Spike go?

Then I saw the note on the table again. Oh right, he's in Appleloosa.

"With my friends." I added sourly. Whatever, that wasn't a big deal. I can manage to last a couple of days in this library on my own. In this library that seemed a bit empty, though that could just be the kitchen.

Damn it, my indigestion is back! I wasn't going to stand for this. I was going to find a drug store and get some antacids. Take that, nondescript chest pain!

I wasn't too keen on skipping breakfast, so I just ate a frozen waffle from out of the freezer. Meal properly eaten, I went out to the drug store and got my drugs. The pain was gone by that time, but I was ready now. The next time my chest pain starts up, I'm taking it down with extreme prejudice.

Next up for consideration was what the day's activities were. I was already out and about, so maybe I could take a look around. I could explore the town a little, since I didn't actually know that much about it. I dropped off the antacids and picked up a few bits in case I found a store I wanted to check out.

I wandered aimlessly, turning down unfamiliar roads and reading various signs I found. It turned out that Ponyville had a vast residential zone. Most of the buildings I saw were houses of some kind. Very few were businesses themselves.

My wandering eventually led me to the vicinity of Carousel Boutique. Ah, fancy that. Maybe I could drop by and hang out for a little? Oh wait, she's in Appleloosa. Never mind, then.

That waffle came back from the grave to voice its displeasure at my stomach. At least that must have been what happened, because my chest hurt again. I cast my Least Object Calling spell to summon my antacids.

Plonk!

That was not a box of antacid tablets that fell before me. No, it looked suspiciously similar to my house key. It was then I realized I forgot to cast the spell on the box first. Damn, it looked like I was going home.

I walked back home for the second time that day, but the pain was gone when I got there. Funny, it seemed my stomach didn't want me leaving the library that day. Well I already went outside a couple of times that day, so I guess my day was over already. I didn't want to antagonize my irritable stomach, but I still had the bulk of the day to go through.

Now, what could I do to pass the time? Read? I looked at the shelves of books around me, dismissing the idea. How many times would I have to fall back on that plan in the future? Let's make it interesting now that I had the house to myself.

Screw it, I'm practicing transmutation. I'd like to get used to a human body again pretty soon, so I sat in the center of the room and cast the transformation. Once again, only a single limb was replaced. I still needed more practice before I could do a full transformation.

Day 4

The day was off to a great start when I checked the mail. Aside from the usual assortment of bills and advertisements, I found a letter from the gym. I tore it open and read it.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

We are writing to inform you that your membership has been revoked for-

I crumpled the letter up and chucked it at a wall. Fucking beautiful. I should have figured starting a fight in the gym was a bad idea. If only Tail Chaser hadn't made for such an easy target...

If the gym was no longer an option, how was I supposed to pump iron? I guess I could buy my own equipment, but how would I go about doing that? Perhaps there were fitness magazines somewhere in town that had some stuff I could order. Right, I'll do a little practice, get some lunch, and shop for a catalog or something.

First things first, I charged up my horn and cast the transformation. My right foreleg predictably morphed into the familiar purple arm, but I made a pleasantly surprising bit of progress as my left foreleg followed suit. I smiled at my imminent success. As difficult as these transformations were, I was making quick work of their mastery.

I was seated on some outdoor furniture outside the restaurant my friends and I shared our first group meal together. It was odd how these seats were constantly in the sun, yet they never seemed to get any warmer. No matter, as long as I stay comfortable.

I placed my order for some minestrone soup and I waited. That was the worst part of any dining experience, so too bad for me that I didn't have anything to distract myself. Lamenting the fact I didn't bring any books or anything, I got lost in my thoughts. I've been here for a while now. I've made some significant progress since my arrival. To think that I couldn't even read magic just three short months ago would almost make me chuckle at my own inexperience.

My experiences have changed me, as well. For the longest time, I thought of friendship as something unimportant, and now here I was as someone who exemplifies its ideals. Strange world, but it was even stranger to me how mundane life in Ponyville became. Sure, there was the occasional dragon slumbering in the caves or a crazed deity looking for trouble, but it was mostly just like living in a common rural community with ponies instead of humans. It was times like this that I had to remind myself just how crazy my life was.

The waiter brought me my soup and placed it on the table. Good thing too, because I was getting restless having to sit there with nothing to do but muse over current events. If I had paid any attention to my surroundings, I would have noticed a beige aura on the salt shaker just a moment ago. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way what happened to it when I turned it over my soup: the loosened cap fell right off. Salt poured unrestrained into my soup, saturating its flavor to an inedible degree. I pulled it back and examined the shaker curiously.

"Ha Ha Ha! Vengeance is mine!" Yelled Tail Chaser, who was hiding behind the sign. He began running away, cackling with glee.

Realizing what just happened, I stood up screamed my dissatisfaction. "You son of a bitch!"

I would have chased after him, but eh, why bother? He was already part way down the street! Screw that. I sat back down and motioned the waiter. "Another bowl of soup, please."

Right, things like that just showed how different things here really were. Juvenile antics like that were only commonplace in Equestria, as usually these kinds of guys just get a bunch of their buddies and gang up on people. This was a strange world, but it was nice.

You know, aside from the dragons and the mad deities and such.

I kind of like Equestria. Its common problems were easily solved, its big problems were solved with friendship, and I had an easy job. This life is pretty sweet. Too bad I would have to leave it behind, huh? It's not really my lifestyle I was worried about, but rather my friends. Wouldn't they miss me when I'm gone? I didn't want to upset them like that, but I wouldn't have much of a choice. I could break away from them, making every possible effort to end our friendship, but that comes with its own set of unique problems. Poor Twilight would have to take over again, and she suddenly has all these mares hounding her for actions that aren't her own. Sure, she'll be getting that either way, but at least I can get her praised for actions she can't remember instead of loathed.

I wonder how she would react to having all this new muscle-mass? I'd pay to see that. Would she continue to exercise to keep up her new athleticism?

My mind wandered back to my friends. How would they react to "my" sudden change? I'm surprised Spike still thinks I'm really Twilight, but how would the others feel about her? I'm sure they'd be initially worried about her, but the confusion would pass. Perhaps Twilight would contact the princess and sort this all out, letting her stay in Ponyville and "rekindle their friendships". When I'm gone, I'm sure everything in Equestria will be just fine.

Then I came back to the question that would haunt me for many months: would my friends really miss me? After a time, I had to accept that they wouldn't. They wouldn't even know I'm really gone, so why would they worry? Twilight's still there, and that's all that matters to them.

As if depressing thoughts weren't bad enough, my indigestion came back. At least I was ready for it this time.

Day 5

I let the duration of my spell wear off again, returning me to my default pony form. While it was true that I could continuously renew the spell's effects, I was focused on getting a full transformation before I focused on longevity. Let me tell you, this spell was taking it out of me. The Flight spell was one thing, but modifying my current body's features and attributes into a human's was surprisingly difficult.

I grabbed the bottle of cider on the table next to me and took a big drink. Yeah, I knew it was only nine in the morning, but I didn't care. Never too early in the day to enjoy a drink. Again, I knew that casting spells under the influence was probably a bad idea, but I'd only worry about that when I had a buzz. Until then, bottoms up.

I put the bottle back onto the table and took a deep breath. I powered up another casting, and let it loose. I stood taller than before, likely because I was now standing on two human legs. Awesome, not only did I have two arms, but I also had legs too! Now that's progress!

I looked over myself now that I had four human limbs. I looked really weird. I still had a pony torso and head, so I looked like the dumbest chimera ever. I thought myself fortunate that no one was here to see me like this.

I sat back at the table and waited for the spell's duration to crap out. I took another drink of my cider. Hey, anything to pass the time, right?

Day 6

When I woke up the next morning, the clock assured me that it was ten o'clock. I stretched and got out of bed, feeling the groggiest I've been since I first began working out.

I stepped heavily down the steps on the staircase, all sense of energy vacant from my actions. I sat in the kitchen with an opened carton of orange juice, but no cup. Who's going to notice or care that I was drinking from a carton? Certainly not Spike, who was in some apple town somewhere.

Mmm, apples. Screw orange juice, I have cider. I levitated a bottle of apple cider out of the fridge, popping it open and taking a nice refreshing sip. Ah, that's good stuff. Note to self: alcohol is good for indigestion.

I took another eager sip and kicked back with a satisfied sigh. Hell, why would I do anything today? I was so relaxed, that I could just take a nice long nap. In fact, let's do that. I placed the barely touched bottle on the table and closed my eyes. Productivity was overrated, anyways.

When I finally opened my eyes, I felt really thirsty and I really had to use the restroom. I thought that was weird, for I could have sworn I only slept for about half an hour. I looked up at the clock to see that it was actually three hours later. Huh, lunch time already.

I levitated some lettuce out of the fridge and munched on that for a while as I went into the living room with my cider. Lunch properly eaten, I took care of business and returned to the living room for my magic practice. A flash of magic later, and I found that I could now transform my head. Sweet, I had a human face again! I looked even weirder than before, but that was the cost of magic, wasn't it?

I sat down at the usual table, which held two stacks of comics I've been reading as I waited for my transformations to time out; one stack was for the stuff I've read, the other for stuff I was getting to. I opened up an issue of Chrono-mancer and took a quick drink of my cider. I nearly gagged at the warm crap. Ugh, I shouldn't have let this sit out for so long. However, getting another bottle from the fridge would require effort, so I summoned up my determination and took another drink.

I woke up with the sun in my face. I turned away from the blinding light, only to realize that I wasn't in a bed. To that end, I fell onto the floor from my chair. I gave both the sun and my chair disapproving looks for their insubordination, though I thought it was strange that the sun was blinding me like that. Usually, the sun only comes through the living room windows in the morning. I glanced at the clock on the wall, finding that it was eight. Okay, it couldn't be eight o'clock at night, because then it would be night out, so I guess it was actually the morning?

I yawned lazily and crawled back up to my chair. I didn't remember dozing off, but I guess I must have. Weird, I haven't been this bad about my sleep schedule since I last lived alone.

I looked over at the stack of comics I was going to read, also finding one comic already opened on the table. I chuckled at the unfinished comic. Mighty Mack's Adventures must have been pretty boring for me to fall asleep without first reaching the end. I put it off to the side and raised another comic for my reading pleasure.

Approximately four hours later, I finished all my comics. I leaned back in my chair in thought. I had nothing to do. I took a deep breath for clarity, but I still didn't have any idea on what I wanted to do. Go outside? Nah, there's nothing out there I wanted to do. Besides, there were an awful lot of group activities out there I couldn't do. It sucks being on your own sometimes.

I could go for a good chat right about now. Too bad I had no one to speak to, and no internet to accommodate me. Oh well, looks like I'm staying inside again.

Maybe I had some more comics to read? I walked upstairs into my bedroom and searched the comic stash for anything I haven't read yet. I looked at book after book, but I've already read them all. I sighed. We had no more comics, but I did have a sizable selection of fiction downstairs. I turned to walk downstairs, but I caught myself when I looked into the mirror. My pony self stared back at me from the reflective surface, and I wondered if I could fully change myself. With nothing better to do, I figured it was worth a shot. I fired up my horn, and morphed once more.

I looked at myself in the mirror, and I saw success. I've done it, I now had completely human anatomy. For the first time when I transformed, I got a good look at myself. Twilight had a cute face, almost perfect. Her purple eyes were shining inquisitively, matching my own curiosity. Her hair was messy, like it hadn't been brushed for a few days (which was fitting, since I gave up on that a few days prior).

Then my eyes drifted downward, and heat rushed up to my face in quick order. You see, the thing about transformation magic is that it wasn't like anime; clothes don't form on their own. That being said, I was standing in front of a mirror, in the body of a naked girl. I smacked the side of my head and looked everywhere except the mirror. Curse my shortsightedness! Why didn't I consider that I wouldn't have anything covering me? The worst part was that I wasn't the owner of this body, and I wasn't about to ogle a borrowed body. That would just be freakin' creepy!

As embarrassing as this situation was, it only got more so. You see, I lost track of time by that point, so I didn't realize a week had passed. Little did I know that my friends have already let themselves in my house (not a big deal, it's a public library) and were coming upstairs to check on me. The only indication this was happening was when I heard Rarity approaching and calling for me. "Twilight? Are you home, darling? The living room is a mess, and-"

She stopped in the doorway, stunned. We both stared at each other for an awkward moment. I thought about what I should do in that situation. Of all the options I could use, I opted for the most natural: I screamed and covered myself with my arms. "AAAHHHH! Close the door!"

Baffled, Rarity shut the door. She spoke to me from outside. "Twilight? Is that you? What happened?"

"In a minute!" I called. I frantically looked around the room for something I could use to cover myself. I still had about ten minutes until the spell wore off, and Rarity was outside waiting for me. Not wanting to keep her waiting, I spied the entrance to the bathroom. I hurried inside and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around me. I briskly walked out, but then I saw my hair in the mirror. Aw man, I was a mess! I grabbed a brush and hurriedly brushed it out. Satisfied that I looked okay, I opened the door to the bedroom and went downstairs.

My friends were gathered down there, now looking up at me with concern. Rarity, being the first one to see my new form, was the first to speak up. "Good afternoon, Twilight. May I ask what happened to you?"

I sat in an open chair and smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I've been practicing transformations while you were gone. This was the first form I wanted to try."

"Well what was with that freakout? Why'd you yell at Rarity like that?" Rainbow demanded.

"And why're ya wearin' a towel?" Applejack added.

I rolled my wrist while I tried to answer. How would I explain nudity to ponies? "Well, this form is pretty embarrassing. I just felt like I needed to wear something."

"So somepony is in the market for an outfit?" Rarity deduced with a gleeful smile.

Well, I was planning on being in this form as much as possible. "Uh, yes?"

Rarity giggled excitedly at the news. "Marvelous! I've always wanted to make a dress suited for other creatures! I can't wait to get started!"

"Hey hey, I didn't say I wanted a dress. I only want some clothes." I said, curbing her enthusiasm.

Rarity pouted. "You're no fun, darling."

"So why that form?" Spike asked. "Do you feel more at home like that, or what?"

Whoa, that was a good guess. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Spike was still suspicious of me. But as I said, it was just a lucky guess. I answered his question carefully. "I don't feel much different, aside from bipedal movement. I just thought turning into a human like this would be pretty easy."

"You thought it would be easier than turning into an earth pony or a pegasus?"

Damn, more good questions. Luckily, I had some excuses. "Either case would be too easy. There's not much to change, and I already have a spell that replicates pegasus flight. I figured changing into another species would make a better milestone."

"Can you do a magic trick?" Pinkie questioned.

"I... don't know. Let me check." That was a good suggestion. After all, the sole reason I'm in Equestria at all is because a human wizard sent me here, so it's likely that I still have access to magic. I closed my eyes and concentrated on channeling my power. As I thought, I could feel the power surge in my chest and flow into my hands and feet. It was exactly like channeling power into a unicorn's horn, except I now had four conduits instead of one. I cast a simple light spell into my left hand, causing it to glow slightly.

I only felt my magic flowing through my arm, but the magical connections to my other limbs weren't affected at all. I cut out the light spell, and did something I haven't heard of since I learned magic: channeling two spells at once. I cast the light spell in my left hand again, but then I cast an earth moving spell through my right foot, bringing up a small stone brick from the floor. I levitated it with my right hand and brought it closer for me to catch it.

"My, such fast spellcasting!" Rarity praised. That brought a smile to my face.

"Wait, whatta ya mean? Can unicorns only do magic so fast?" Applejack asked to clarify.

"That's right. Unicorns can only cast one spell at a time, which means we usually do each slowly and methodically. With Twilight's human body, it seems she can use many spells at once!"

"Wow, cool!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Oh my, what a wonderful accomplishment!" Fluttershy congratulated.

"Thanks everyone." I said, blushing at their praise.

Rainbow Dash hovered closer to me. "Say, can you change other ponies into weird stuff, too? Cause I've always wondered what it would be like to be a griffin."

I chuckled at her request. "We'll find out together. For now, I'm more interested in what you all have been up to."

"Oh, not much." Rainbow said unconvincingly. "We just went to Appleloosa and stopped an all out war. No biggie."

"Bullshit, you're making that up." I declared in good humor.

"It's true." Applejack vouched. "The buffalo were gettin' mighty upset that the folk in Appleloosa were settlin' on their lands, so we were tryin' to make 'em get along."

I leaned forward with interest in the story, but my transformation took that time to crap out on me and turn me into a pony again. When the light faded from the reverting process, I was off balance and fell on my face. I growled into the floor, the towel covering my head. As often as crap like this happens, I'm surprised my face isn't more reminiscent of a waffle iron.

"Are you okay?" Fluttershy asked.

"Dandy." I said, muffled by the floor. I pushed myself up, when I noticed that I was getting hungry. "Hey, I skipped breakfast this morning. Have you all eaten yet? If not, we could go out for some lunch."

"That sounds fabulous." Rarity said.

"Yup! Ahm hungrier'n a worm in an orchard." Applejack agreed.

"I'm always hungry!" Pinkie proclaimed.

"What are we waiting for?" Rainbow asked. "Let's go!"

We all got up to do just that. We left out the door to the library, everyone involved enjoying a happy reunion from a week of separation. As for myself, I've never felt better. For the first time in a week, my chest didn't feel so heavy, rather feeling light and unburdened.

Loose Ends

My friends and I, as well as Spike, sat at the usual table of the usual cafe we visit together. For a while, I was just listening to my friends take turns explaining what happened in Appleloosa. It started with a boring train ride, when disaster struck as a bunch of buffalo stole one of the train cars early in the morning. From there, my friends were split up; Rainbow, Pinkie, and Spike were hangin' with the buffalo (who knew they revered dragons so much?) while the others continued into Appleloosa. They met up later and explained both sides to each other, but they couldn't agree on who was in the right.

When Pinkie told me about the song she sang that sparked the conflict into a full-scale battle, I threw my head back with laughter. "There's no way a song could be so bad that it starts a culture war! I'll have to hear it for myself!"

"Okie-doki-loki!" Pinkie ducked under the table and hopped back up moments later, wearing a burlesque stage dress complete with those fish-net leggings on her forelegs. Pinkie breathed in and began to sing.

We may be divided

But of you a-

Rainbow shoved a hoof in her mouth to silence her. "Yeah, maybe we can do that some other time."

I was puzzled about everyone's reaction to her singing, but I didn't press the issue. We had an otherwise cheerful meal together and finished eating a little later. Since I was in such a good mood, I picked up the bill, but that was no reason to split up just yet. Rarity was the first to ask about my week. "So, we know you've worked on magic, but what else did you do, Twilight?"

I recounted my week. "Well, first I saw a movie-"

"Which one?" Rarity asked.

"Rainmaker."

"Ooh, was it good?" Rainbow inquired excitedly.

"No, it sucked." Rainbow deflated at that, while I continued. "Then I went to the gym, got kicked out of the gym, walked around town for a bit, I drank a little, and I slept in a lot."

My friends stared at me, obviously expecting more from me. That was understandable, considering what they did with their week. "That's it?" Rainbow asked, being the first to voice her disappointment.

"Pretty much." I confirmed with a shrug.

"But weren't you lonely all on your own for a whole week?" Fluttershy asked.

I waved her concern away. "I don't get lonely."

"What!?" Pinkie barked in disbelief. "How can you not be lonely after a week of living alone? That would drive me bonkers!"

We all shared a moment looking at Pinkie, remembering what kind of behavior Pinkie thinks is "normal". "...Well, it helps that I was reading a lot of comics."

"Is that all? That's sounds boring!" Pinkie commented. "You really should have come to Appleloosa with us. It was a blast!"

I propped my head up with a hoof, hiding the glint of indignation in my eyes. "Yeah, sounds like it. Too bad I didn't go, huh?"

"Indeed, it would have been nice to at least get your input on the situation." Rarity agreed. "You do seem to be full of helpful advice."

"Well, I didn't go, so what can you do?" I asked with a sliver of irritation.

Rarity stood up from her seat. "Anyway, it was nice catching up with you, but I'm afraid I must be going. I haven't quite finished unpacking, and I need to check on Opal."

Pinkie hopped to her hooves. "Yeah, and I have to make sure the Cakes aren't too swamped with orders! Oh, and I have to check on Gummy, too!"

I was going to ask who Gummy was, but Fluttershy spoke first. "And I'm sure the animals are so worried about me!"

Rainbow said a quick farewell and flew off. I waved off the others as they left, all except for Applejack. "So, don't you have something you need to be checking on?" I asked her.

"Actually, ah do. Ah need to talk to ya."

I tilted my head curiously. "Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

"Well, it's about yer lyin'."

I thought I knew were this was going, so I sighed. "We've been over this, remember? I'm lying to cover up a secret, and I'm not going to tell you what I'm hiding."

"No no, ah think ah understand what's goin' on." Applejack corrected. I narrowed my eyes in anticipation. She thinks she figured me out? This ought to be good. "Yer not comfortable tellin' us about yerself because ya think we'll shun ya fer yer differences."

"True." I admitted.

Applejack stared at me in silence for a moment, not expecting such an easy admission from me. "...Right. So ah just want ya to know that we care about ya, sugarcube. You can tell us anything."

"Noted and dismissed." I said, which made her expression harden. "I'm still not telling you anything."

"What? But we're yer best friends!" She protested.

"Best friends? I doubt that, since you could obviously be better."

Applejack paled at my words. "How can ya say that, Twi? What's gotten into ya all of a sudden?"

"Oh, I don't know." I initially pretended ignorance, gradually escalating into sullen frustration. "Maybe a best friend would at least extend an invitation for a trip to her other best friend, especially when she invites everyone else?"

"What are ya talkin' about?" Applejack angrily demanded.

"Appleloosa, Applejack. You invited everyone except me. Really, you should have expected me to be a bit more upset about it than I am."

"But ah did invite ya!" She protested.

"How was I supposed to receive this 'invitation'? Was I supposed to get a message from your telepathy, or...?"

"Ah don't even have magic! Ah just told Spike to let ya know when he came by the farm!"

"Yeah right, because Spike never said anything about a trip to Appleloosa until he was already gone!"

We glared at each other for a few seconds as realization slowly dawned on us. If Applejack sent an invitation through Spike, then why don't we ask Spike about it? We turned to Spike for answers, and it looked like he was pretty nervous about something. "Well, Spike? Did Applejack really invite me on this trip to Appleloosa?"

Spike looked between the two of us and knew that he couldn't bluff his way out of this one. "Yeah."

"Alright, so what happened to the invitation?"

Spike shrunk back and lowered his voice. "I forgot to tell you."

"Bull." I snapped. "You didn't forget, because you at least knew well enough ahead of time to prepare for the trip and leave without me. I only knew you left because there was a note on the kitchen table, and you could have told me at any point before then. So I'll ask again: What happened to my invitation?"

Spike looked down, unwilling to meet my eyes. "I didn't tell you."

I shook my head in disapproval. "So you intentionally kept it a secret. You didn't want me to go on a trip with my friends, so you just left without a word! So you know what? I'm going to make sure you regret doing this to me."

Spike looked up with fearful eyes. "What are you gonna do to me?"

I briefly thought about it. "You know how they built up to that finale in Power Ponies? You know how Masked Matterhorn is on her own to save the other ponies from being brainwashed into a hair-obsessed death cult with only that colossal fuck up, Humdrum, to help her?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not allowed to read that for a month."

"Aw, come on, Twilight!"

I crossed my arms resolutely. "I've made up my mind. You will not see that satisfying conclusion until it is four weeks out of date." Spike moaned and slouched into his chair. I turned back to Applejack. "I'm sorry I accused you of ditching me like that."

"That's okay." Applejack said. "So, am ah still not one of yer best friends?"

"No, you're definitely one of my best friends." I assured her.

Applejack cracked a smile. "That's good to hear, you're one of my best friends, too." She paused. "So, do ya think you could talk to us about yerself?"

I shook my head with a chuckle. "I don't think so. I'll continue being mysterious."

"So you still don't trust us?"

I lowered my head. "I'm still thinking about it."

Applejack sighed. "Oh well, ah can't force ya to tell me anythin'." She stood up from her seat. "Still, if ya ever want to talk about it, you can come to us anytime."

"Thanks, AJ. I will."

"Right. Ah gotta get back to the farm. Heh, Apple Bloom an' Granny are probably blowin' a gasket wonderin' where ah am right now. See ya around, sugarcube."

I waved at her. "Bye, Applejack." She departed back to her farm, leaving Spike and I alone. I told Spike that we should head home as well, and we left, too.

I didn't look at Spike the whole way home. Not just because I was upset that he would hide something like that from me, but I was also lost in thought. I doubted Spike would do something like this with the real Twilight. It was too callous for siblings as close as them, so Spike's actions were only explainable if he still knew about me. It turns out he wasn't fooled by my bluffing earlier, despite my best efforts to make it more believable. This was a regrettable turn of events, but I would have to deal with it. The game was on once again.

It was the middle of the afternoon, somewhere around two. I entered Carousel Boutique with a saddlebag, and the entry bell chimed to signal my arrival. The room was as pristine as it ever was. Emerging from an adjacent room was the one pony that I was hoping to see at that moment. Rarity smiled in welcoming. "Ah, hello Twilight! It's good to see you."

"Hey Rarity, nice to see you, too. Are you busy?" I asked.

"Not at all." She assured. "Did you need something?"

"Yes, I was hoping you could make something for me. I wanted you to make me a custom outfit for my human form, remember?"

"Oh, right, I remember now! Go on by the mirror, darling."

I sat myself in front of the mirror and put my saddlebag down. I charged up my horn for the transformation, but Rarity spoke up and stopped me. "Actually, could you hold off on transforming yourself? I just want to get your pony measurements first."

I shrugged. "Alright." I cancelled the spell. Rarity brought out her tape measure with her magic, and took my measurements one limb at a time.

"So, somepony has been keeping quiet about a very special talent of theirs, haven't they?" Rarity prodded in a sing-song tone.

"Are you talking about me? Because if you are, I have no idea what you're referring to."

"No need to be coy, darling. Having an affinity for matchmaking is a wonderful gift. Forelegs."

I held out my forelegs, which Rarity began measuring. "Oh, are you talking about Snowflake and Blossomforth? Yeah, how are they?"

"They are doing marvelously. Blossomforth was just in for a new outfit for their date this weekend!"

"Well I'm glad that's working out for them."

"Indeed! Blossomforth told me how they met, and I must say that was nice of you. Please stand up, darling."

I got to my hooves. "Eh, it wasn't that big a deal. Poor Snowflake needed a pick-me-up after I shot him down."

Rarity stopped measuring my hindlegs to stare at me in surprise. "I hadn't heard that part from her. So Snowflake asked you out first?" I nodded. "Pray tell, why did you refuse?"

"Well, he's not exactly my type."

"You aren't into bodybuilders?"

"Actually, it's more that he's a he."

Rarity's eyes widened in realization. "Ohhhh. Yes, I should have figured that was a factor."

It wasn't the only factor, but I wasn't going to be bringing that up. Seriously, me dating a pony? Nuh uh. "So you should have figured that I was gay?"

Rarity nervously retrieved her measuring tape and resumed her work. "Well, technically you are, but it's a bit more complicated regarding your history."

"What history?"

"You know... that you're a colt?"

Ah, that's right, I said that at some point. Thanks for reminding me, Rarity. "Oh, of course. Yeah, to be honest, I was starting to forget about that."

Rarity jotted down the final measurements for my torso. "Personally, I'm glad to see that you are beginning to embrace your femininity. It shows that you are leaving your troubles in the past."

"And I'm sure it has nothing to do with wanting to see me in frilly clothes and at makeovers, right?" I joked.

Rarity chuckled. "Oh please, I'm not that transparent! Anyway, I've finished taking your pony measurements. You may transform at any time, now."

"Alright." I opened my saddlebags and pulled out a white towel.

"You brought the towel." Rarity observed.

"Yep." I wrapped it around my torso and cast the transformation. I morphed into my human form with the towel thankfully still wrapped around me.

Rarity looked like she wanted to say something about the towel, but thought better of it. "Well, I'm just glad at least one of my friends is interested in getting some fashionable attire." She began by taking measurements of my shoulders.

"What about Fluttershy? She goes to the spa with you every week."

"I suppose she does, but that doesn't mean she's interested in fashion. Especially not after the Photo Finish fiasco. Could you lift your arms?"

I raised my arms for measuring. "So you don't really have anyone to talk to about it?"

"Fluttershy listens, but she has little to add. I adore our time together, but I wish I had somepony with which to share a dialogue about dresses."

I sighed. It was my time to shine, unfortunately. "Well, do you have some kind of dream designs on your mind? I'm sure there are dresses you'd like to make."

Rarity smiled excitedly. "Of course! I dream of the day I can make something fabulous for my friends!"

"Oh, so I'm sure you have some ideas for what you could make for them?"

While Rarity continued to half-heartedly measure me, she was even more interested in listing off her ideas. "Absolutely! I think the ideal dress for Fluttershy would be something natural, perhaps with some floral designs."

"Makes sense; she loves animals."

"For Rainbow Dash, I would definitely utilize her natural colors. Hmm, do you think she could pull off a hat?"

"Uhh, maybe?"

Rarity hummed thoughtfully. "Applejack would be the most difficult. I know she would want to wear a stetson of some sort, but I think she would appreciate some stylized country boots. I'm thinking she could wear a saddle."

"Why a saddle?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Why a saddle? I mean, saddles seem a little demeaning don't they? Saddles are used to keep a rider from falling off their mounts, so doesn't a saddle seem more like a symbol of oppression than a fashion choice, seeing as how other races are the ones riding ponies?" Rarity paused her activity and stared at the floor. "Rarity?" I said, trying to get her attention. There was no response; she kept her eyes locked on a stationary point on the floor. I snapped my fingers. "Rarity!"

Rarity rattled her head and returned her focus on me. "W-what? I'm sorry, darling, did you say something?"

I thought about asking about the saddles again, but decided against it. I wouldn't want her to lock up on me again. "Let's move on. What would you make for Pinkie?"

"... Pink."

"Pink." I repeated.

"Mm-hm. I have so many ideas for Pinkie's dress, and the only common thread between them is the color pink. I'm sure Pinkie could pull off a flat mane style if we could find a way to straighten her mane, but that's an impossible task. Believe me, I've tried. That limits my ideas somewhat, but I'm still trying to decide between candy patterns or pastry patterns."

"They're both food related, so I'm sure she'd like either of them."

"That's what I was thinking." Rarity removed the tape measure and stood in front of me. "Now it's time to discuss what you would like. I know you don't want a dress just yet, so what would you like me to make for you?"

I placed a thumb on my chin in thought. Seeing as how Ponyville was practically a nudist colony, I figured that I could get away with just about anything. "Well, priority one would be something that won't restrict movement. I plan on spending lots of time in this form, and I'm sure much of that time will be spent on exercise."

"I see, so you would want something akin to Wonderbolts flight suits?"

"Yeah, that sounds good." I agreed. "I don't need it to be full-body, though. I only need it to cover my upper chest and... uh, pelvic region." I motioned to the body parts I meant. "And I don't suppose you could make it fit my pony body as well? I might be changing between forms a few times, and I don't want to get caught without some clothes."

"Hmm, I'm not only designing clothes for a mythical creature, but I'm making a functional outfit that can fit two species at once? This will be the greatest challenge of my young career! I shall get it done!" Rarity confirmed with a nod.

"Wait," I interrupted. "Uh, this is a little embarrassing, but could you also make under-garments?"

"May I ask why, darling?" Rarity asked with confusion.

"I just have a feeling that certain... bits, will poke out otherwise."

Rarity stared at me (or more aptly, my body) with suspicion. Eventually, she agreed. "Alright. Are there any specifications you need to address?"

"Did you notice the protrusions on my chest?"

"I was politely ignoring them, but yes, I noticed. Why, did you need to cover them?"

"Yeah. The bra just needs to be a bit padded, and I'm sure it will be fine. Oh, and something for my lower body as well."

"... You know an awful lot about your new body." Rarity said. "Just how do you know so much, anyway?"

Good question. Should I plead the fifth? Wait, Equestria doesn't even acknowledge the United States constitution, so that would be a bad idea. Wait, I know! "I've been making observations about the human body ever since I first made one. I should hope I know a few things about humans by now."

"Is that what you were doing yesterday in front of the mirror? Observing your body?"

"Yes." I answered. My eyes widened when I realized what I inadvertently admitted to doing. "Wait, it's not like that! I'm not even interested in what I saw! I mean, I'd wait until after dinner to look! I mean... Fuck!" Stop talking, man, stop talking! I pounded the side of my head until I stopped thinking of embarrassing things to say, and therefore stop thinking of things that would dig me deeper into my hole.

"...Would you like me to pretend that I didn't hear you say anything just now?" Rarity so graciously asked.

"That'd be swell." I accepted with a nervous sweat.

Rarity smiled nervously. "Okay then! I think I shall begin working! Would you like me to bring your clothes to the library when I'm finished?"

"Sure, that sounds nice. How much would I owe you?"

"Oh, think nothing of it, dear. The challenge itself is rewarding enough."

"Ha ha, no. This is going to cost you money, I'm going to compensate. How much for materials?"

"Seriously Twilight, no charge for you."

"I know you're the Element of Generosity, but I'm not going to take advantage of that fact."

"I am the Element of Generosity, and I'm willing to exercise my generosity from time to time. You owe me nothing."

I dug out a small bag of bits and levitated it to Rarity's hooves. "Oh, would you look at that: someone dropped thirty bits in your house! Oh well, I guess they belong to you now!"

Rarity pushed the bag over to me. "I think I shall return them to their rightful owner. Sounds fair, doesn't it?"

I pushed them back over to her. "Seriously, just take the money."

Rarity pushed it away. "No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes!"

"No!"

We pushed the bag between the two of us for a bit of time, each exchange making us progressively more belligerent. That was fine; Rarity would have to give in eventually.

Feeding Your Anger (Sucks)

My spirits were high going into the day. Rarity dropped off my new set of clothes, so I was able to stay in my human form for an extended period of time without shame. The light grey tights covered everything they needed to, and though they were quite snug, I got comfortable wearing them after a few minutes. You have to hand it to Rarity, she knows what she's doing.

Today, I was going to take full advantage of my new threads: I was going to stay in the library all day and research divinations! Nothing like a rigorous session of research to really get your mind racing (into a blissful state of sleep). I don't know what it was about divination, but it wasn't anywhere near as interesting as transmutations. The dweomers involved just seemed... flat in comparison.

I yawned my way into my second chapter of divinations and their practical applications when the most pleasant of sounds was heard: knocking at the door. Yes, a distraction! I hopped to my feet and strode to the door, swinging it open with renewed excitment.

Beyond my door stood the princess of the realm, though this meeting with Celestia was on more even ground than last time. While my pony form had me standing up to her chest, our eyes were level with each other this time. Celestia looked me over with surprise, and spoke up with a smile. "Ah, practicing transmutations, I see."

"How'd you guess?" I asked rhetorically. I motioned her inside. "Come on in."

Celestia walked inside, her guards taking flanking positions outside the door. I looked between the two of them wondering if it was necessary to have these guys standing out there, but I wasn't about to ask that out loud. I closed the door and turned to Celestia. "Want anything to drink? I've got tea, orange soda, orange juice, cider, and scotch."

Celestia gave me a curious look from her seat. "I wasn't aware you began drinking."

I shrugged at her. "Hey, even I enjoy a cold one now and then."

Celestia smiled, though I got the impression she stopped short of a chuckle. "I'll have a cider, then."

With a nod, I went into the kitchen to pour two glasses of cider. I came back out and placed them onto the table, ice cubes clinking away in their cups. "Are you on the job, Princess? I don't think it's wise to be drinking and law-making." I said in a joking manner.

Celestia just gave me a serene smile. "I'll have you know that a thousand years is a long time to build a tolerance for alcohol." She levitated her cup and took a controlled sip.

I accepted her answer with a laugh. "Right. So what are you in town for? Surely not for our limited supply of booze?"

"Not at all. I figured it would be best to spend time with my most faithful student, especially since I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. With all of my previous visits cut so short, I figured today would be perfect for catching up." She glanced about the library. "So where's Spike?"

"He's probably trying and failing to get a smooch from his girlfriend." I answered with a sip of my cool amber cider.

"I didn't know Spike had a girlfriend." Celestia remarked.

"Well, he wishes he does. He hasn't gotten around to telling her how he feels." I clarified.

"Do you think you should help him?"

"Nah. I don't think it would work out, anyway."

Celestia hummed thoughtfully. "Do you know on whom he has his eyes?"

"Yeah, that's an easy one: Rarity."

"Your unicorn friend, Rarity?" I nodded, after which she continued. "Yes, it would be difficult to make that work."

"That, and it doesn't help that Rarity already has a crush on someone." I added.

"Oh, who?"

"I think she keeps saying 'Prince Blueblood', or something like that." Celestia winced and took a sharp intake of breath, which I didn't take to mean anything good. "That's bad, huh?"

"I have some advice for your friend."

I nodded and leaned closer.

"Good luck."

I lowered my head in sympathy for Rarity's someday-to-be-broken heart, and sat back into my chair. "Alright, so how's palace life? Anything interesting from the capitol?"

"There's always something interesting happening in Canterlot. Just recently, we got a slide in the castle."

I frowned inquisitively. "Wait, why did you install a slide in the castle? Did you just want to slide around the castle?"

Celestia just smiled and calmly took a sip from her cup. "So how have you been, Twilight?"

I smiled with light-hearted suspicion. I knew when a politician was avoiding a question for a reason. "I've been doing pretty good. At least I can't complain."

"A lack of complaints is a good thing." Celestia noted with another sip. "How are your friends?"

"The others have been more active than me, I'll admit. They recently went to Appleloosa."

"What about you? Did you go to Appleloosa?"

I momentarily considered what I should say, so I figured I wouldn't bring up Spike's sabotage, if at least to spare myself from the tedium of explaining it. "I didn't go. I mean, if it weren't for my invitation getting lost in the shuffle, I probably would have stayed behind anyway to help with Trixie's trailer."

Celestia's smile widened, impressed by what I said. "So you stayed behind to help another friend of yours? That's a very commendable thing to do."

"Thanks. Though if what the others said was true, I missed quite the showing in Apple Town."

"So I've heard. What did you do in the meantime? Surely you and Spike did something interesting."

"Spike went to Appleloosa, actually. I guess he figured I would be too busy helping Trixie to go on a trip." I covered two bases with this excuse: a blatant lie so I wouldn't have to explain to her Spike's persistent paranoia and covering for Spike's mistakes. Damn I'm good.

"Hmm, Spike should have mentioned it at some point."

I shrugged. "I dunno, but I guess he was just too excited to remember that."

Celestia nodded, agreeing with my false assessment. "So what did you do, then?"

"Magic practice, mostly. I spent most of my time lounging around and reading stuff."

Celestia smiled with familiarity. "Falling back on old habits when your friends are gone?"

I rolled my eyes playfully, as true as it was. "I'm not that bad about it. I still went to the gym and everything!"

"Oh? And how is the gym working for you? I can't even imagine you working out."

"They kicked me out, actually." I admitted.

Celestia tilted her head in confusion. "Why would they kick you out? Surely you didn't do anything to spur such an action."

"I may have started a fight."

"You didn't." She said in disbelief.

"Yeah, I kinda did. He said some unforgivable things, so I made him the only pony in town who is both black and blue."

Celestia gave me a stern, disapproving look. "Twilight, you must not start fights like this."

"What? He was being a dick!"

"That's no excuse for violence." Celestia stated firmly. "I'll not have you in any more fights, am I understood?"

I sighed with agitation. Just one more promise I'll have to keep in mind in addition to no low-blows and being a good friend. "Fine. You won't hear about me kicking ass anymore."

"I'm serious, Twilight."

"And I'm reluctantly agreeing."

Celestia glared at me in scolding with me returning a look of disgruntlement. Celestia sighed. "I can't believe how much you've changed in just a few short months."

"Really? Is it that hard to believe that I've been affected by my friends this quickly?"

"I suppose friendship has a way of changing one's behavior. That leads me to a new assignment for you. You said the stallion you fought coaxed you with insults?"

"Yeah...?"

"Then you must learn to be more patient. You can't just let your anger push you into action like that."

I groaned. "Aw crap, you're sending me to anger management, aren't you?"

"No. As we've just established, friendship will help change you, this time for the better. You are to spend more time with the Bearer of Kindness and learn from her how to better control your anger."

"Alright, I'll do it. I've been meaning to spend time with her, anyway."

"Then I'm glad we both get something we want."

I knocked back my glass and emptied it quickly. I've been meaning to do it for a while, but now I really had no choice: I'll have to spend some time with Fluttershy. It's just as well, since I've been meaning to find out how Fluttershy can keep hordes of animals in line without the threat of a chainsaw, wood chipper, or some other automated lawn care device of questionable utility. Hopefully she doesn't mind a little company tomorrow.

Rarity opened the door to her home, trotting in with merry fulfillment. "Thank you so much for helping me carry my groceries, Spikey!" She called behind her.

Spike wobbled in after her, precariously balancing a heap of filled bags in his arms. There were quite a lot more items than the "bare necessities" in his opinion, but he didn't dare question the mare of his dreams. "N-no problem, Rarity." He replied, arms wobbling under the weight.

Rarity levitated a few of the bags from Spike's grip, thankfully alleviating the burden to something he could handle much more easily. Rarity carried the floating bags into her kitchen with Spike walking with her. They set the bags onto the counter tops (Spike left his bags on the floor, because of how short he was).

While Rarity easily sorted the items into their proper shelves, Spike was torn. On one hand, he could just spend some time with the most beautiful mare in the world (he had to hold in a dreamy sigh at that thought), but on the other hand, he needed somepony else with which to discuss his problems with Twilight. He would have said something, but he was distracted by the grace and beauty of the ivory goddess placing cat food in the cupboard. How could he possibly work up the courage to speak in the presence of such divine elegance?

Focus, Spike. He needed to talk to her. It was difficult to get a word in when he got so easily distracted by the deep color of her eyes, and the magnificent styling of her expertly tended mane, and the curves of her...

Dammit man, focus! Maybe if he didn't look directly at Rarity, he'd have a better chance at speaking. He turned away, and the fluttering in his chest lessened. He took a deep breath now that it felt possible. Yes, this was much more manageable.

"Rarity?" He began tentatively. "Aren't you a little worried about Twilight?"

Rarity shelved one more can of Opal's food and spun to face Spike with concern. "Why, is something the matter? I sure hope that she's alright!"

Spike silently hoped the same. More importantly, he had to beat his pounding heart back into submission. How could Rarity's voice alone get his heart racing? "Doesn't it seem odd to you that she wants to be some kind of monstrous ape thing? Why would she rather be a 'human' than a pony?"

"I'm not sure." Rarity admitted. "I suppose Twilight just wants to practice her magic, now that she has an appreciation for it."

"But that's weird, too." Spike protested, straining himself to keep focus off of Rarity's harmonic voice. "Twilight has always loved magic. She didn't need some insufferable street magician to tell her how amazing magic is; she's always thought that. It's why she studied magic under Princess Celestia in the first place."

"Odd. I could have sworn Twilight learned politics under the princess."

"Well, maybe a little, but Twilight has always been a magic student first and foremost. Now she's suddenly interested in 'republics' and 'democracies' and other weird political structures that no sane pony would ever create."

"A budding interest in new things isn't so bad." Rarity pointed out.

"But for a couple of months, Twilight's interests didn't include magic! How could Twilight suddenly change her mind on something that was so central to her life?"

"Well, do keep in mind that Twilight hasn't always been completely honest with us. Her love of magic was likely just another thing she lied about." Rarity suggested.

"I don't think she was lying about it for ten whole years just to suddenly start 'telling the truth'. Besides, she's been really shifty about herself lately. Why was she so hesitant to talk about herself? What does she have to hide?"

"Everypony has their secrets, Spike. It's an especially touchy subject for some."

"But if it was such a touchy subject, then why did she invite you all to talk about it?"

Rarity wilted slightly at the reminder of that day. "I'm sure she was willing to trust us at the time... oh no, she's not still upset about that, is she?"

Spike shook his head. "Not as far as I can tell. But what was she going to say? What secret could Twilight possibly have that not only do I not know, but worries Twilight so much that she'll clam up about it?"

"I haven't the faintest idea, I'm afraid."

"I figured out what it is." Spike announced.

Rarity leaned in with interest. "Really? Pray tell, what is it that bothers her?"

Spike took another deep breath and recounted all his information. "Twilight has been acting strangely for the last couple of months. She's been more aggressive, more crude, and lazier than I've ever seen her. Her attitude towards magic has changed multiple times over the course of these months, and she's developed a strange fascination towards these 'humans'. She's developed a transformation spell so she can spend her time in a human form, and she's suspiciously good at using it. I know the secret behind all these facts: Twilight has been replaced by a real-live human."

Rarity didn't immediately know how to respond to Spike's claim. "Um... if Twilight was magically replaced by a human, then why wasn't she able to transform into her natural form at any time before now?"

"Maybe she always has been." Spike explained. "She only cancelled the transformation sometime after we all left for Appleloosa, so perhaps that was when she decided it was safe to change her shape."

Rarity nodded at the explanation, but had more questions. "Then if this Twilight is an imposter to a genuine article, when was she replaced without anypony noticing?"

"I've figured that out, too. She first started acting strange when we first arrived in Ponyville. She must have been replaced sometime during the Summer Sun Celebration."

"Okay, so the Twilight Sparkle we've become friends with was the imposter the whole time?"

"Yes, I believe so."

"So the imposter was the pony who helped us activate the Elements of Harmony and save Equestria?"

Spike gulped, not liking where this was going. "Um, yes."

"And this same imposter was the one who rushed to my aid when I was abducted by diamond dogs, no matter how little her assistance was needed?"

"Yeah..."

"And this is the same imposter who was so heartbroken after she revealed how wrong we all were about Zecora, and lost the courage to reveal this very same secret?"

"Well, we don't really know what Twilight was about to say."

"I suppose you're right." Rarity conceded. "But what else would she have wanted to say? Isn't there some other secret that she would have wanted to reveal?"

Spike thought back on his interactions with the real Twilight, and shook his head. "Nothing that would raise this much of a fuss. That just proves my point though, right?"

"Actually Spike, that's not the case at all." Rarity doubtfully declined. "Twilight did reveal a secret of her's to me once, and it was something of which you aren't aware."

Spike looked up at Rarity, now fully distracted by their conversation to get nervous. "Really? What did she say?"

"I can't tell you, but suffice to say that you don't necessarily know everything about Twilight."

Spike sagged at the news. It figures that the imposter's foul influence has already clouded Rarity's judgement. "Okay, but her behavior is completely changed from before. I know Twilight wouldn't be as aggressive as she is now."

Rarity chuckled as if at a little inside joke. "You might be surprised, if you knew."

Spike growled slightly in frustration. This imposter was good, too. "But I know Twilight was replaced! Nothing about he recent behavior makes sense otherwise!"

Rarity sighed. "Spikey, do you realize how outlandish this all sounds?"

"I get that a lot." He grumbled.

"Then I'm not the only one to tell you." Rarity observed. "Spike, ponies change. Just because they act differently doesn't mean aliens or monsters are involved; it's just the way ponies are."

"They don't change that fast." Spike said in denial. "Besides that, I'm worried about what she can do now that she's able to transform. Who knows what she'll be capable of now that she be anypony at any time."

"I doubt Twilight is the kind of pony to do anything wrong with such abilities. She may be a bit abrasive, but she's not a bad pony."

Spike slumped in defeat. It was no use. Rarity already had it in her mind that Twilight was a perfectly normal pony, and such notions were difficult to change.

Seeing the glum look on Spike's face, she wrapped him in a one legged hug. "Now don't you worry, darling. Just because she's changed doesn't mean anything's wrong. Always remember that no matter what, she'll always love you."

It was a nice sentiment, but love had nothing to do with it. Spike sighed and returned the hug. "Okay. Thanks for talking with me, Rarity."

"Any time, Spikey."

Spike left shortly after in a dreary state of mind. Of all ponies to be under that monster's control, he had hoped Rarity wasn't one of them. There was only one pony left to try. Hopefully he could persuade her. While he knew the others could handle themselves against "Twilight" if they really needed to, he was truly scared of what could possibly happen to poor, defenseless Fluttershy.

I knocked on the door to Fluttershy's cottage with my hooves. It was one of those doors that were segmented into upper and lower halves, which I've never understood. Why have a separate portion of the door open when you could instead install an eye hole or a little hatch? Doing it this way just seems like it would be more expensive.

After a few moments, I was wondering if she was out doing errands or busy with her animals. I knocked again to be sure. Eventually, Fluttershy opened the upper portion of the door. "Hello, Twilight." She greeted.

"Hey Fluttershy. I just so happened to be in the area, so I was wondering if you wanted to hang out or something."

Fluttershy looked confused for a moment. "Um, I'm sorry, but what would take you all the way out here?"

I laughed off her seeing through my little ruse. "Okay, you got me. I'm out here because I wanted to hang out with you."

Fluttershy glanced back inside. "Oh, um, I was just grooming Opal. I'm almost done, but I'll have to bring her back to Rarity afterwards. We can talk on our way to Rarity's, if you want."

"Okay, that works for me."

Fluttershy invited me inside, and in I walked. Fluttershy's cottage was a homey little place. It certainly wasn't spacious, but neither was it cramped. There were bookshelves in a few of the walls, stairs leading up, and a green sofa with a matching green chair across from it. I looked up at the ceiling to see a birdhouse hanging from it. There were holes for mice around the base of the walls, butterfly paintings, and a couple of animal baskets lying around. This place was laid out well for animals to dwell, so I could see how this was Fluttershy's home.

A white ball of fur that could possibly be a cat lied on the sofa, impatiently flicking its unkempt tail as it watched Fluttershy's approach. I could only guess that this thing was Rarity's cat, Opal. Fluttershy sat next to it and grabbed the nearby brush. "No need to be so hasty, Opal. I just need to brush your tail, and we'll be done." She reassured.

The cat calmed down at Fluttershy's tranquil words. Is that how she did it? I found it hard to imagine that any creature would relax from just a few words, let alone something as fickle as a cat. I chalked it up to Equestria being fundamentally different than where I was from.

I sat in the chair and watched as Fluttershy brushed Opal's tail to a less messy fluff than before. Putting down the brush, Fluttershy smiled at the little cat. "There, now doesn't that feel better?"

Opal meowed in response.

Fluttershy giggled. "You're welcome, Opal. We should go back to Rarity's, don't you think?"

Opal meowed again.

"Okay, hop into the basket, and I'll take you home."

Opal hopped off the couch and into a basket behind the couch. I knew this basket was different from the rest because it had a big red bow on it. Fluttershy grabbed the basket in her mouth and walked closer to the door. "Are you ready to go, Twilight?"

I nodded, and we left her cottage behind. On our walk into town, I decided to spark up some conversation. "So I take it you're having a good day?"

"Mm-hmm." Fluttershy nodded.

That was an underwhelming response. I waited for a second or two to let her elaborate, but she didn't. I guess she just had little to say, or at least didn't think to say anything else. I asked some more questions. ""Well, that's good. Rarity lets you groom her cat every once in a while?"

"Yes she does." Fluttershy said in that typical Fluttershy kind of excitement. "Rarity has her groomed every week or so. I'm so glad she let's me do it." Fluttershy looked over at me. "How was your day?"

"Fine. I had nothing to do, so I just came out here to see what you were doing."

"Really? You just wanted to spend some time with me?"

I believe that was just established. Was it really that difficult to believe I would just spontaneously decide to hang out? "Well, perhaps the princess also said I should, but really, I've been meaning to come over for a little while."

"The princess did? Why does she want you to spend more time with me in particular?" She asked.

"She said I have rage issues or something like that. I mean really, I'm not that bad." Fluttershy lowered her head, to which I sighed. "Let me guess: you disagree."

"Well, you do seem to get really upset over small things." She admitted.

I rolled my eyes. "Eh, I prefer to call it a controlled release of inner fury. Anyway, she said you'd be a good influence."

Fluttershy blushed. "She really thinks that highly of me? Wow, I'm so honored!"

We walked into the town itself, so it wasn't much farther until we reached Carousel Boutique. We were silent for a while. Speaking for myself, I was thinking of something I could bring up for conversation. Fluttershy beat me to the punch. "So what was that about 'inner fury' you said earlier?"

I shrugged. "To quote a wise atomic abomination: I'm always angry."

Fluttershy looked concerned for me. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?'

"Not much to talk about."

"Are you sure?" She insisted.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Silence lasted a few more seconds. She spoke up again. "I know of a way to relax, if you'd like."

"Seriously Fluttershy, I'm fine." I said reassuringly. "It's just a couple of outbursts. It's not like I'm on a rampage down the market place."

Fluttershy stopped insisting, but she still appeared worried. We arrived at Carousel Boutique shortly afterwards, and went inside. It was the same as I remembered it. Rarity was on the opposite side of the room at a sewing machine working on something, but there was also a little white filly I didn't recognize. The entry bell rang to signal our arrival. Rarity groaned with exasperation. "Oh, what now?"

"I hope we're not going to be too much trouble for you." I retorted.

Rarity jumped and looked over sheepishly at us. "Oh, so sorry darlings. I'm just a little... pressured. And thank you, Fluttershy, for grooming Opal for me."

"You're welcome, Rarity." Fluttershy placed the basket down. "Here we are, Opal. You have a good day, okay?"

Opal meowed and hopped out of the basket, walking off with a haughty gait I didn't expect from a cat.

"I don't know how you do it." Rarity told Fluttershy. "Every time I try to groom her myself, she claws at me."

"Oh, I think I'm just good with animals." Fluttershy said.

I looked over to Opal, seeing the filly try to pet her only to get a portion of her mane torn off. That cat was a dick, so yeah, I guess she was right.

"So Twilight, how are you liking that outfit?" Rarity asked.

"I like it. It's like I'm wearing tights for MMA." I said.

"MMA?"

"Yeah. You know: Mixed Martial Arts."

Rarity rolled her eyes. "I should have figured as much." We all shared a chuckle, though I wasn't quite sure if it was at my expense or not. "Anyway, I'm afraid I can't sit around and chat. I have a little too much work right now, and I simply must get it done by tonight."

"Ah, I see." I commented. "Well I'd hate to get in the way."

Rarity levitated over a golden cloth that sparkled in the light as it fluttered. "I need to make twenty robes lined with this. It's taking all my patience and skill, but I must get it done."

Looking over the cloth, I felt that there was something wrong with it. I didn't have a very good angle with which to view it, so I didn't think too hard about it. Still, that was some gorgeous cloth she had. It'd be a shame if anything happened to it. I wonder who would need robes made out of this stuff? Also something to wonder: why was that white filly sheepishly tapping her hooves in the corner?

All silent inquiry was stopped when the door behind me swung open and two fillies ran in with excitement. Though, they weren't excited enough to forget their greetings to Fluttershy and Rarity as they ran past us. Whatever worried the white filly didn't bother her anymore, as these two new made her smile.

I recognized the yellow earth filly as Apple Bloom, who skid to a halt in front of the white filly alongside her orange pegasus friend. "Hi Sweetie Belle!"

"Hi Apple Bloom, Scootaloo!" She returned. "Are you girls ready for tonight?"

"You bet!" The pegasus, Scootaloo, exclaimed. "Imagine: tonight, we find our special talents."

An excited Apple Bloom continued. "And we'll finally get our cutie marks!"

I wondered again about these "cutie marks" they mentioned. Aren't they just tattoos? Come to think of it, I should have already put more time in learning pony culture than I have. I mean, I was getting by just fine, so I guess I didn't really need to. For now, I was just assuming that "cutie marks" were something of a rite of passage where kids get symbolic tattoos.

I had a few more thoughts about pony traditions, but I lost them when the three fillies all screamed "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SLEEPOVER AT RARITY'S, YAY!" The sheer force of their combined yell rattled through my ear and felt like they were scrambling my brain. I was disoriented by how loud they were, and very shocked to see the windows were still intact.

I rubbed my eyes to get my bearings, and when I opened them again, Sweetie Belle was showing off a cape she was wearing. I knew she wasn't wearing that a moment ago.

Sweetie Belle fluttered the cape. "How do you like it, girls? I made three of them for us!" The cape she displayed was red with a blue patchwork emblem on the sides that depicted a filly rearing up.

"Wow, it looks so cool!" Scootaloo complimented.

"You think so? I mean, I lined them with gold silk, so it took a while, but I think they turned out really well."

Gold silk. I looked over at Rarity, who seemed to come to the same realization that I did. She lifted up the fabric and clearly showed the three conspicuous missing squares. Rarity's eye twitched with a crazed agitation that really hit home for me. Just when I thought she was going to launch into a rant or a violent rage, she didn't disappoint with her initial yell. "Sweetie, what have you done? It's going to take me so long to make more!" Rarity rubbed at her head to relieve the pressure building in there. She spoke again in a calmer tone of voice. "I'll have to work all night to make some more and complete the order. Since I won't have the time to watch over you, I'm afraid the sleepover is cancelled."

She didn't get as upset as I was expecting. Then again, I was comparing her reaction to be similar to what I would feel. I would have flipped my lid and punched something...

Aaaand now I understand why my anger was such a big deal to Celestia. In comparison to Rarity, I was a psychopath! Damn, I really did need help.

The fillies all wilted in disappointment at the news and moaned sadly. As a scholar of cause and effect, I couldn't help but not feel any sympathy. Aw, poor Sweetie Belle. I guess she shouldn't have used up her... wait, who was Sweetie Belle in relation to Rarity, again? They didn't exactly say. Still, she shouldn't have used Rarity's expensive-looking fabric without her permission. Tough break, kid.

On the other hand, Fluttershy wasn't above taking pity on them. "Oh, there must be a way they can still have their sleepover. Maybe they could stay with one of us?"

The fillies brightened at the idea, and all looked expectantly at Rarity. Now put on the spot, Rarity looked among us to make a decision. "Would that really be alright with you?"

"Absolutely." Fluttershy said.

"Sure, I'll keep 'em outta your hair for a night or two." I said.

"Alright, then. Twilight, would you like to..." Rarity stopped mid-sentence, as if she just reconsidered what she was going to say. She turned to Fluttershy. "Fluttershy, would you like to host their sleepover for me?"

"Oh, of course!"

I narrowed my eyes at Rarity. "Hey, why did you disregard me like that?"

Apple Bloom looked up at me. "Wait a minute, aren't you the pony that got drunk at Zecora's?"

"N-no!" I groused with my arms crossed. "You were drunk. I was just...shut up!"

Everyone chuckled at my expense again, to which I lowered my head in embarrassment.

Being serious once more, Rarity asked, "Are you sure you can handle it, Fluttershy? Opal was one thing, but I assure you the Crusaders are something else."

"I think I can." Fluttershy assured Rairity. "I'm sure they'll be like little angels."

We all looked at the "Crusaders", who smiled as innocently as angels. Really, they had the halos and everything.

Rarity didn't look quite convinced, but conceded anyway. "Right. I suppose I have a lot of work to do, and I can't afford any distractions..."

Knowing that permission was already implied, the Crusaders leapt with joy. "YAY! CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SLEEPOVER AT FLUTTERSHY'S!" They ran outside without even looking back to see if we were going to follow.

Fluttershy gasped with surprise and ran after them. "Girls, wait for me!"

I looked back at Rarity and shrugged. "Good luck with work, Rarity." She nodded her affirmation and I left.

The day had just begun (it was afternoon, whatever), and I barely got to spend any time with Fluttershy. I wasn't going to let that stand. Sleepover or not, I was going to hang out with her! Besides, those girls were definitely hellions. Fluttershy would need some help.

Author's Note

Shit, man, the long-ass chapter I was planning to write was taking too long. Here, have a smaller chapter. Maybe next time, I won't get distracted by Wolfenstein and wrestling so I can release something every once in a while. :applejackconfused:

Accepting My Lot in Life

The scene at Fluttershy's cottage spoke to me as rather odd. Fluttershy was standing by timidly attempting to get the attention of the Crusaders, who were rather enamored with the idea of playing tag on a tree. Scootaloo was definitely the one who was it, as she chased the other two around and around the branches, deftly avoiding them and even using them to propel themselves forward. One wouldn't think hooved people could climb as well as they did, but I suppose there was no reason they couldn't.

But poor Fluttershy was seemingly helpless, calling up to them to "Please be careful." It was as if she was stuck between their safety and their fun.

As for myself, I couldn't help but think how outrageous this all was. I just got there and something weird was already happening. What's wrong with playing regular tag in this wide, spacious front yard? Was that not extreme enough? Kids.

Regardless, the fillies would be distracted for a little while, and that was good enough for me. I walked up to Fluttershy and paid little attention to the playful children. "I'm back, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy jumped in surprise at my voice, but relaxed a moment later. "Oh Twilight, you scared me. Did you need anything?"

"Well, I came here to help you, but it looks like everything is under control."

Fluttershy looked up the tree with frightful anticipation. "I hope they don't fall. That would be so awful!"

I wasn't quite as worried about it. "If they fall from that height, they'll only be sore for a few minutes. I think they'll be fine."

Fluttershy tensed. "But I don't want them to get hurt! Rarity would be so upset!"

I patted her shoulder in consolation. "Calm down, Fluttershy. Relax, if they fall, I'll catch them with my telekinesis. Trust me when I say that they'll be fine."

Fluttershy visibly relaxed, but she still looked concerned. "Well, okay, if you're sure."

"I'm positive." I assured her. "We just need to keep your mind off of possible mishaps." I quickly thought of something I've wanted to know for a little while. "You want to talk about animals or something? I'm curious to know how you're so good with them."

Fluttershy smiled. "It's not so hard. I just need to win their trust with a little kindness, that's all."

"Is that it? Because I had a cat this one time, and I couldn't even get near him without him running away or stop him from running off with my socks."

Fluttershy blushed. "Um... could we not talk about socks?"

I was curious as to why socks would be a forbidden subject, but I gave no outward indication of that aside from a quirked eyebrow. "Sure. But what do you do about unruly animals? Surely you can't just bribe them."

"I try not to scold them, since I only need to remind them to be nice. They might sometimes be a little rowdy, but they're sweethearts deep down."

I recalled a time when a seagull stole my hotdog, and couldn't help but feel that Fluttershy was wrong. "Uh huh. And what about the creatures that don't listen?"

Fluttershy shrunk back. "Uhm, I don't like to do it, but sometimes I need to use The Stare"

"What's 'The Stare'? Is that some kind of pleading look?"

Fluttershy opened her mouth to answer, but a girly scream got our attention, where we saw Sweetie Belle fall from the top of the tree. I powered up my horn to catch her, but Fluttershy beat me to the punch as she zoomed up to her and caught her. That was very impressive speed for a pegasus that rarely flies. "Oh my, are you okay, Sweetie Belle?"

Sweetie Belle sweetly smiled up at Fluttershy. "I'm okay. Thanks for catching me, Fluttershy!"

Fluttershy looked pleased. "You're welcome, Sweetie, but I think we should stop playing in trees for now. How about we all go inside?"

"Okay!" The Crusaders easily agreed. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo hopped out of the tree from the branches, perfectly demonstrating my point, and ran into the house.

We followed them in, and the Crusaders entered a group discussion. "So, what're we gonna do fer our Cutie Marks?" Apple Bloom asked. I zoned them out immediately. I mean, it's not like any discussion about a societal norm would become important later, or anything. Instead, I wanted to ask about The Stare.

"So, I believe you were about to explain what The Stare was."

Fluttershy turned her attention back to me. "Oh, yes. You see, I have this ability to pacify animals with a look. It's called The Stare because it looks like I'm staring really hard."

Speaking of staring, I was incredulous. "Huh." Fluttershy was good with animals, likes staying indoors, and has a hypnotizing gaze? This all sounded very fishy. "Fluttershy, are you a vampire?"

Fluttershy squeaked nervously. "W-what? N-no, of course not! If I were a vampony, how could I walk in the sunlight?"

That's what I wanted to know. "I guess you have a point. Besides, it's not like your fridge is conveniently stocked with 'tomato juice', or anything."

Fluttershy's smile widened suspiciously. "Yes. Tomato juice."

We locked gazes for quite a while; growing suspicion against nervous smiling. Fluttershy was hiding something, and I couldn't imagine what. Still, I wasn't about the one to blow the lid off it, so I was willing to let it go. "Rrrright. Anyway, I'm sure there's an interesting story behind that Stare of yours."

Fluttershy's smile was less forced now, obviously glad at the change in subject. "Yes there is! When I was a filly, I-" A nearby cuckoo clock startled Fluttershy and interrupted her story before it could even begin. "Ah! I still have to feed the animals!" She ran off into her kitchen.

I sighed. I took one look at the Crusaders, noting that they were still discussing potential activities. Good, at least one thing was going right: the kids weren't bothering me.

I trudged after Fluttershy in her kitchen. She was mixing an assortment of vegetables into a bowl, and placed a single cherry tomato on top surrounded by carrot slices. Fluttershy spun around to trot past me, but she stopped as I was in her way. I stepped out of the doorway, but Fluttershy didn't move by. "Actually, could you give this to Angel Bunny?" She asked. "He should be upstairs taking a nap on my bed."

"Sure." I said, ready and willing to help. I levitated the bowl out of her hooves.

"Great! Oh, and if the door is closed, just knock and he'll come out for you."

"Alright." While Fluttershy went out the back door to presumably feed the other animals hanging out around there, I went through the living room. The Crusaders were arguing about something I wasn't immediately aware of. Ignoring them, I went upstairs and found the door to the bedroom closed.

I raised my hoof to knock, but I stopped when I heard a faint but familiar sound. It sounded like the cheers of a stadium scrambled by minor static. Instead of knocking at the door, I silently opened it to investigate the noise.

It was exactly what I thought it sounded like, which only made me more confused: it was a sports broadcast from an older-looking wooden radio (you know, the ones that look like jukeboxes). Finding a working radio in Equestria wasn't so weird since I knew movies existed, so that wasn't the weird part. The weird part was the audience, which seemingly consisted of Fluttershy's entire menagerie. Families of mice, chipmunks, birds, and even a bear were all huddled around the quiet radio.

The cheers from the radio intensified as the commentator excitedly narrated the events of the football game. "Touchdown!" Cheered the announcer. The animals took this news greatly, for they all hopped excitedly and high-fived each other, chittering in celebration. A single white rabbit, who I presumed was Angel, turned from his seat in the front and made like he was going to say something celebratory, but he froze like a statue when he looked directly at me. The cheering and whooping stopped when the others saw Angel's reaction, and they all turned to face me.

All was dead silent, save for the continued broadcasting. All I could do was look among the animals and wonder what I should do. I settled on placing the salad within the room and slowly closing the door.

Should I bring this up with someone? I shook my head. I don't think anyone would believe me. Just another thing to take to the grave, I guess.

I stepped downstairs to find the Crusaders doing something else crazy. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom were snickering at Scootaloo, which was understandable, seeing as how the little pegasus had her head in a vase.

"See?" Scootaloo said, her voice muffled by the ceramic. "I told you I could fit my head in here!"

"Yeah, you sure showed us!" Sweetie broke into a fit of giggles.

"What?"

"She said that ya sure showed us!" Apple Bloom yelled.

"Oh. Yeah, I totally did!" Scootaloo pulled at the vase. "Uh oh." She tugged at it again. "Urrg! Uh, I think it's stuck."

I face-palmed. This is why you don't do stupid things. "Alright, let me deal with this."

"What?" Scootaloo asked again.

I sighed. "Nothing. Just hold on."

"Let's pull it off!' Apple Bloom declared.

"No!" I quickly intervened. "That's a terrible idea! You could break her neck like that!"

I thought for a moment what to do. We could get some butter, but I didn't want to spend a lot of time searching the kitchen for it. So, did I have any spells that could help? I did, actually. Since the vase was too small for her head to escape, then we need to make the vase bigger! I placed my hooves on either side of the vase, and cast my Enlarge Object spell. The vase doubled in size and released its hold on the poor filly. I hefted the vase to my side and shrunk it back down. With that, my mission was accomplished.

"Hey, thanks!" Scootaloo said graciously.

"Why'd you put your head in a vase?" I asked tiredly. This day was already running long.

"Cause Sweetie didn't think I could do it."

"I said I didn't think you should do it, Scoots." Sweetie corrected.

"Well, yeah, same difference."

I rolled my eyes to the ceiling, and glanced towards the kitchen for Fluttershy. She wasn't back just yet, which left me stuck with the children. Crap. In need of some way to bide my time with these kids, I thought of something that could keep them occupied. If I didn't, they might stick their heads into something more dangerous. My mind immediately went to the thing they seemed the most excited about. "So... how about those Cutie Marks, eh? Gotta love those things."

"Yeah!" Apple Bloom spoke up. "There's just one problem: we don't have one."

"Well, I'm sure you'll get them when you're older."

"Ugh, every grown up says that!" Scootaloo bemoaned.

"Yeah! I mean, it's not like we aren't trying!" Sweetie agreed.

"Trying for what?" I asked, thinking there was a change of subject I missed.

"Trying to get our cutie marks!" Scootaloo asserted. "Geez, it's like you aren't paying attention."

So you have to earn a cutie mark? How does that work? What's the purpose of a cutie mark, and why were they suddenly so important? "What do you have to do to get a cutie mark?"

The Crusaders stared at me in silence. Something about my question just shocked them into a catatonic state from which there was only one escape: yelling in disbelief. Apple Bloom went first. "WHAT? How can a grown pony not know how to get a cutie mark?"

"That makes no sense!" Sweetie proclaimed.

"I thought I had problems! You have way more!" Scootaloo exclaimed.

"Do you even have a cutie mark?" Sweetie asked, sounding worried over some probability that was lost on me.

"Yeah..." I said, taking in this sudden turn. I wasn't quite sure what the big deal was. Perhaps I should figure this stuff out at some point.

"But how can you have a cutie mark but not know how to get one?" Scootaloo asked, confused. "If you don't know how you got it, then how are we supposed to be able to figure it out?"

I shrugged. "I dunno, I just found out I got it at some point." Back to technical truths, I love it.

"What do you even have for a cutie mark?" Sweetie asked.

"It's some kinda star." Apple Bloom answered for me.

"Doesn't that mean you got it for looking at stars, or something?" Scootaloo inquired.

Thinking on it, that would be the best excuse. After all, it's not like it could mean anything else. Stars were pretty single purpose. "Yes, my cutie mark is based on astronomy. I specialize in constellations or something."

"Really? Wow, I like stargazing! What's your favorite constellation?" Sweetie smiled curiously.

I was wide-eyed, panicking at the quick way this all turned on me. It was a shame that I knew next to nothing about stars. "Uh, Orion's Belt?"

Sweetie stared with the same expression on her face, but I could tell she didn't comprehend my answer. "I don't know what that is."

"Wait, we're getting sidetracked!" Scootaloo said, bring us back on topic. "Since even an adult doesn't know how to get a cutie mark, we have to face the fact that we can't know how to get ours!"

"Then what are we gonna do?" Apple Bloom asked.

"We're going to have to keep trying!" Scootaloo declared. "Somewhere out there is a talent waiting for us, and the only way to which one it is, is to try them all!"

"Yeah, we'll definitely figure it out!" Sweetie concurred.

"And we'll do it together!" Apple Bloom chimed in.

The three of them inhaled deeply, and shouted in unison. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, TOGETHER FOREVER!"

I took a few moments to let my hearing recover from the assault, and observed the fillies. Not only were they proclaiming their friendship, but they were cementing it with a group hug. From their display of affection, I could tell that these three would be friends forever. It was sweet.

Like, cloyingly sweet.

Just like that, their moment was over. They broke apart and spoke amongst themselves for ideas on activities.

"Have we tried bed testers, yet?" Sweetie asked.

"Boring! We should do something way more exciting than that!" Scootaloo declined.

"Martial artists?" Apple Bloom suggested, posing like a stereotypical karate guy.

"I don't like the idea of hurting ponies." Sweetie said.

"Heh, I like that idea." I chuckled to myself.

Fortunately, none of them listened to me. Scootaloo moved on to her next idea. "How about acrobats?" She jumped up into the air for a nice back flip. But then I noticed where her trajectory would lead her, and I immediately knew that she would smash into the table. In a panic, I pushed the table out of the way with my magic. Scootaloo didn't split through the table like it was the WWE, but she did smack right into the floor on her back.

"Is this all really necessary?" I asked. "I get wanting a rad cutie mark, but do you really have to jump through tables and hurt yourselves? Besides, what does any of this have to do with getting tattoos stamped on our butts?"

Scootaloo finished recovering from her fall just in time to gape once more at the dunce who kept digging his hole. "Are ya'll serious?" Apple Bloom gasped. "Do ya not even know how ya get yer cutie mark?"

I thought of my response for a moment, thinking of how I could have possibly gotten a butt mark without knowing how it got there. "Well, I'll admit that I got wicked drunk a few times before I got it."

"So you got tipsy on too much special punch and woke up to find out that you had a cutie mark?" Sweetie asked for confirmation.

"If by special punch you mean various alcoholic beverages, then yeah, that about sums it up."

"That's whack." Scootaloo commented. "It's crazy to think that you earned your cutie mark when you couldn't even think straight."

I shrugged. "I don't understand what the big deal is. What makes these things so special, anyway?"

"They're a symbol of your special talent, of course!"

That explained little. "But what do you mean by 'earning' your cutie mark? Is it really that hard to get one?"

"It really is!" Sweetie complained. "We've been trying for months now, and we still haven't gotten ours!"

"And it's not as easy as going to a tattoo parlor?"

"What's a tattoo parlor?"

Oh, come on! How can tattoos not exist? "Then how do you get a cutie mark if they're not drawn onto you?"

"You discover your special talent!" Scootaloo said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Geez, how can you not know anything about cutie marks? Everypony knows this stuff!"

"I don't know, I just had mine one day!" Technically true. After all, I just got here one day. "But how does the mark appear? Does it just magically poof into existence, or what?"

"That's exactly what happens!" Apple Bloom claimed.

Seriously, they just appear from out of nowhere? Is there any upper limit for how insane Equestria is, or is it all downhill from here? Sweetie Belle was rubbing her chin thoughtfully, now. "It seems really strange that you don't know anything about cutie marks. In fact, I'm starting to think you don't even have a cutie mark." Her eyes narrowed upon my ass. "I want to see your cutie mark for myself."

I took a step back in wariness of her request. "Uh, I don't really feel comfortable removing any articles of clothing."

"Why not? We don't wear clothes normally, anyways." Apple Bloom asked.

Her question didn't give me any more confidence. "Because I'm self-conscious about my back side."

"Is that why you're hiding your cutie mark?" Sweetie asked.

"Well, it's not that I'm hiding my cutie mark, but rather I'm just being prepared for an inevitability." I explained.

"What inevitability?"

"For when I might need to cast a transformation on myself at a moment's notice." I answered.

Scootaloo's eyes lit up with wonder. "Ooh, does that mean you can turn into a creature?"

I scratched the back of my head. "Well, technically I already am, but yeah."

Scootaloo hopped up with excitement. "Can you turn into a pegasus?"

"Just a pegasus? Child's play." I boasted.

"Can you turn into Rainbow Dash?"

"I, er, well I can turn into a facsimile of Rainbow Dash."

"Facsimile? Don't that mean a comparison using 'like' or 'as'?" Apple Bloom asked with confusion.

"No, that's a simile." Sweetie corrected. "A facsimile is like a copy."

Scootaloo scoffed playfully. "What would we do without Sweetie Belle, the walking dictionary?"

Sweetie Belle glared at Scootaloo for a moment, but turned her attention to me. "Okay, but that can't be why you wear those weird tights. What else can you turn into?"

"Oh, if you wanted to know what transformation the tights are for, I can just show you. Do you know what a human is?"

"Ain't they those hairless apes that miss Lyra goes nuts about?"

I nodded at Apple Bloom's question. "Ah, you know Lyra, too. But yes, the very same creatures." It felt weird talking about my own species as something mythical, whereas being a unicorn felt routine by this point. "Behold, the majesty of the human being!"

My horn flashed with power, and I grew up and outwards into my human form, the tights seemingly constricting me in my slightly larger form. I opened my eyes in a cross-legged sitting position, with my arms held out in showy dramatics. I smiled, for the Crusaders gasped in surprise and awe. It was satisfying to see someone so inspired by something I could do.

"Cool!" Scootaloo exclaimed. "Can you turn us into something, too?"

"Yeah! Can you, can you?" The others piped in.

I chuckled at their enthusiasm. "I probably can. Who wants to be what?"

"Me first, me first!" The three of them yelled in unison.

I chuckled again. "Okay, settle down kids. I'll just go from left to right. Apple Bloom, what do you wanna be?"

"Can ya turn me into a zebra?"

"And here I thought you'd want to make it difficult on me." I commented boastfully. I channeled the power into my hand and touched her. Apple Bloom's form flashed into white, and the light died down from her sudden change. When she came into view once more, she looked over her new white and black striped form with an excited smile.

She shot her head back up to me, her identically styled mane (now black) bounced and her orange eyes showing great joy. "Wow, that's really cool!"

"Thanks." I said with a smile of my own. I turned to Sweetie Belle. "What would you like to be?"

"Can you turn me into a cat?"

I tilted my head back at the odd request. "That's it, just a cat?"

"What? I just want to know what it's like!" She said in her defense.

I shrugged my indifference. "Whatever, it's your choice." Now, not being a total dick, I wasn't going to turn her into some ordinary cat. She would have had trouble talking to us for the fifteen allotted minutes of my spell. No, I made a few alterations in my head, substituting a few dweomers here and there to modify speech, and cast the spell.

Sweetie opened her eyes to find herself as an American Curl, with an admittedly adorable combination of white paws and belly with a gradient pattern of light purple and bright pink along the top of her head, her back, and the tip of her tail. Sweetie looked up at me with those killer green eyes and spoke with a meowing dialect. "Hey, this feels pretty neat."

She sat still for a moment in silence, but soon wondered why everything was quiet. She looked to the Crusaders to either side of her, who were now twice her size. The others were fighting losing battles with their smiles, and quickly broke down into spontaneous hugs. Their target: pony turned cat, Sweetie Belle. They let out long "awww's" and smiled to the displeasure of a surprised kitty. She sputtered out in protest. "Ah! Stop, it's too sudden!"

I held back my laughter long enough to break it up. "Alright, I think she's had enough, girls. Besides, it's Scootaloo's turn."

Scootaloo dutifully let go of Sweetie Belle, leaving her in Apple Bloom's hooves. She was still busy hugging her friend. "How about you turn me into a human, too?" Scootaloo suggested.

"You got it." I channeled my power and went to touch her head, but I stopped. I was hesitant to continue onwards, once I remembered how my first experience with human transformation went. "Erm, tell you what: I'll cast this spell on you if you agree to wear a towel around you for the duration of the spell's effects."

Scootaloo's excitement fell into confusion. "Huh, why?"

"Just... a precaution. Don't think too hard about it."

"Okay." She answered uncertainly.

I went into Fluttershy's bathroom and brought back a towel for Scootaloo. Once she had it secured around her, I no longer felt icky about casting this spell. So I did, and Scootaloo transformed before our eyes into a short orange human with the same style of purple hair. My foresight was rather prudent, as I didn't feel nearly as uncomfortable as I could have been for obvious reasons.

"Huh, this is pretty awesome." Scootaloo noted idly as she looked herself over. She held up her hands and wiggled her fingers. "Whoa, this is freaky." I huffed at that. "Are we supposed to use these for walking, or what?"

"Actually, those are for grabbing things." I explained. "Human locomotion is bipedal, so you need to walk on your 'hindlegs' only. Go ahead, give it a try."

Scootaloo followed my advice and unsteadily stood up. Her legs wobbled with her alien sense of balance, and she fell on her face trying to compensate for her new center of gravity. "Ow."

"Yeah, it takes some getting used to." I admitted. I hopped up and stretched to my sides. "But with practice, this form can do some amazing things."

Fluttershy chose an interesting moment to return from her chores. She opened the door to find me mid-stretch in front of another little human girl, a zebra, and a new kitty cat. "Oh, um, hi! Who are these three, human Twilight?"

"These are the Crusaders!" I announced, standing up straight. "They just look a little different."

"Yeah, Twilight turned me into a zebra!" Apple Bloom yelled with a hop.

"I feel sleepy. Are cats usually this sleepy?" Sweetie inquired aloud.

"I'm not sure I like being a human." Scootaloo said, rubbing her face free of pain.

I scoffed lightheartedly. "Heresy."

Fluttershy smiled at the four of us. "Well, you seem like you're having fun together."

"Yeah, we are." I said. Then I realized what I said. I was having fun. With kids. Oh my God, when did I stop hating kids? Was this an instance of Equestria being better than Earth again, or was it just that I was changing? I had no way of telling, but at some point I just stopped caring.

Fluttershy snapped me out of my thoughts. "Um, Twilight? Are you okay? You look intense."

I shook my head. "No, it's just that I realized that my life is changing in so many ways."

"Oh. Well, it should be supper time now. Who wants some soup?" She asked us all.

"What, we're at a sleepover and we're not getting pizza?" I asked in mock disappointment. "I'm pretty sure there's a rule against that."

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you want pizza?"

I shrugged nonchalantly. "I'd love to have a few slices. How about the rest of you?"

"Yeah!" The Crusaders replied immediately.

"Then it looks like I'm going on a pizza run." I observed.

"Okay, I'll go get some bits, then." Fluttershy offered.

"No need, Fluttershy. I'll be dropping by my house, anyway. I'll pick up some money on my way to the pizza place."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. What does everyone want on it?"

"Hay bacon!" Apple Bloom yelled.

"Black olives!" A presently carnivorous Sweetie Belle added.

"Garlic!" Scootaloo chimed.

"Um, veggies?" Fluttershy offered.

"Supreme it is!" I announced. I stepped outside and cast my flight spell on myself. I took on a pair of purple bat wings yet again. "I'll be back with food and stuff!" I jumped into the air and soared away.

On my way home, I thought about what kind of things I could get while I'm out. Money was the obvious choice, but I could bring something else, too. Perhaps I should bring a board game and/or some dessert. Yeah, I could make a quick stop for some ice cream, and maybe bring back one of the myriad of games I have in my basement. Oh, and I can't forget about Spike! Gotta let him know where I am and get him something to eat. He can take care of himself, I know, but I'm still going to take care of him.

I soared over Ponyville and caught sight of my destination. Food, activities, and fun! Those were my priorities for making this sleepover fun for everyone. Strangely enough, I believed this children's sleepover would be one that even I could enjoy.

Author's Note

Good News: I wasn't distracted by Wolfenstein.

Bad News: I was distracted by the combined powers of wrestling and Star Wars instead.

The Cat Channel's website describes American Curls as a breed that "purred its way into the hearts of judges and cat lovers all in a short time." Seeing as how that's pretty much what Sweetie Belle did in her first appearance in MLP for many fans, I felt it was a fitting choice.

Staring at the Wall

I returned later with the pizza and a board game we could all play. We tore through that pizza in short order, as three of us were ravenous fillies whose hobbies involved collateral damage, one dude whose hobbies included exercise, and one mare whose hobbies had something to do with animals. Fluttershy offered us something to drink from the fridge, so I pushed my luck and slyly asked for some tomato juice. Fluttershy squeaked out an excuse about having run clean out, so we settled on carrot juice.

There were five of us, so it was a good thing I brought a six player game. The game was Monopoly, which I found odd at first. Everything I found in Equestria had some kind of equivalent back where I was from. For example, Arcane: The Maddening was just Magic for ponies and the Power Ponies were just a more cartoonishly overblown pony version of the Justice League. You'd think Monopoly would have a different name as well, but that wasn't the case. It made sense when I thought about it; there's only so many things you can call a game named after a business practice.

I also thought that this was the one game I could actually win. Spike kicks my ass all the time in these things, and while I couldn't quite figure out why, at least he wasn't here. I was the only one there who had a strategy in addition to my knowledge of how things work, so I believed I had the best chances of winning out of everyone.

While I wish I could say that I immediately amassed great wealth and power, that would be a grave misrepresentation of what actually happened. It was incredible; Scootaloo had all the utilities, Sweetie Belle had the railroads, Apple Bloom had hotels on all of the properties on one side of the board, and even Fluttershy had the equivalent of Boardwalk and Park Place. I didn't have shit! Two green properties, a yellow property, and the purple ones weren't much comfort to me when all of them were mortgaged!

I tapped my game piece along the board, counting all the way to certain doom. I counted to nine, and landed on just one of the many spaces I dreaded: Waterworks. Scootaloo smiled greedily and held out her hoof expectantly. "Ninety bits, Twilight."

I looked down at the space where I was keeping my money and properties with grave apprehension. I only had fifty three bits. "Uh, I don't suppose you'd want a mortgaged Bargain Barn?"

"That works." I levitated the card into the filly's waiting hoof, and she looked it over with smug satisfaction. "You suck at this game."

I pushed myself up from my seat and pointed menacingly at her. "I'll get you yet, you carrot-colored extortionist!"

"With what, your empty wallet?" She mocked.

I shook with rage. I was about to make another empty game-related threat when Fluttershy stepped in. "Now now, Scootaloo, you really shouldn't antagonize others like that."

"I can't help it; Twilight's pretty funny when she's angry!"

My temper flared. "You like me angry?" I tore her game piece off the board with a hand pulsating with fury. "Then say goodbye to your airship!" I turned around and chucked it at Fluttershy's front door. The game piece bounced off the door handle at just the right angle to launch right back into my eye with enough force to knock me through Fluttershy's living room table, sending all the cards and game pieces scattering to the floor. "Augh!"

While the others had the decency to look worried for me, Scootaloo merely laughed. "See what I mean?"

Fluttershy knelt down to check on me. "Are you alright, Twilight?"

I kept pressure on my eye and groaned at my misfortune. "I was punted into the ceiling by a god; a tiny metal boat is nothing." I sighed. "Sorry about the table."

"It's okay. I'm just glad you're alright."

"Thanks." I sat up and opened my afflicted eye. I know this isn't how eye injuries work, but I swear that there was a blind spot in the center of my eye shaped like a boat. I even made sure that the game piece I threw was not lodged in my eye. "Uh, I'll fix your table a little later. I just need to check my eye."

I went upstairs to Fluttershy's bathroom and flicked on the light. I peered into the mirror and closely examined my eye. It was tearing up and stung like hell, and it seemed like there was a slight indentation. I still saw a tiny boat when I blinked. I sighed with frustration and cast Least Object Calling, summoning an eye-patch. With how often I get injured around here, I'm glad I was prepared.

With the eye-patch covering my eye and my depth perception temporarily on ice, I walked back downstairs pleased to see that the others had already cleaned up the game. They looked up at my approach and Fluttershy gasped. "Oh my, is it that bad?"

"Don't worry about it." I dismissed her concern. "With this eye-patch, I'm ready to sing pirate songs for a while. I think I'll start with Set Sail and Conquer."

Fluttershy smiled uncertainly at my optimism. "Well, at least you're happy about it." Fluttershy's cuckoo clock rang to signal the turn of another hours. Fluttershy looked up to it and noted the time. "Oh, it's getting late. We really should be going to bed."

"But ah ain't tired!" Apple Bloom protested.

"Yeah, can't we stay up a little longer?" Sweetie pleaded.

"I'm sorry girls, but it's already ten o'clock." Fluttershy explained. "We should all get some sleep."

The Crusaders moaned, but made no further attempt to argue. Fluttershy ushered them upstairs, since I guessed they were going to sleep in her bed. "Good night, Crusaders, don't let the bedbugs bite. Except you, Scootaloo. I hope you get eaten alive." Scootaloo flashed me a chuckling grin, and they all disappeared upstairs.

I looked down at the mess that I had to clean up. The table's legs were completely torn off with splintered wood lying every which way. I wasn't looking forward to working on this, but I suppose it had to be done. I held out my hands and levitated all the splinters into one big convenient ball that I stashed in the corner of the room. With my workspace cleared of clutter, I knelt down, raised the table's top, and grabbed one of the legs. I aligned the leg with the corner where it used to be on the table and readied a minor repair spell.

HUSH NOW, QUIET NOW
IT'S TIME TO LAY YOUR SLEEPY HEAD!

The sudden explosion of sound caught me off guard and startled me into jumping and letting go of everything in my hands. The table's lower corner slammed right into my bare toes. "AURGH!" I pulled my foot out from under the blasted surface and gripped my aching extremity in pain. I glared up the stairs towards the offending voice of Sweetie Belle. That's the second time I got hurt around/because of these kids. I wasn't superstitious (though my life up to that point should have changed that), but I was really hoping there wouldn't be a third time to be a charm.

There was a slight commotion upstairs, but I figured it was just everyone reacting to Sweetie Belle's singing. Good voice, phenomenal volume, poor timing. Yep, that's all it must have been. I returned to my task of table repair. I seamed the table back together leg by leg with my magic. Piece by piece, the table came back together as it was before my mighty fall. I slid it back into its original position and nodded at a good night's work. Problem solved.

The front door to the cottage opened behind me and I spun to face who was entering. It was Fluttershy with the Crusaders, but I thought they were still upstairs! Guess they must have jumped out at some point. "Where were you guys?"

"Fluttershy's chickens were on the loose, and we got to see Fluttershy's freaky Stare!" Scootaloo excitedly explained.

"Wait," I said, holding up a hand. "You mean to tell me that Fluttershy used the fabled vampiric gaze of domination, and I missed it?"

"Well, it's not necessarily a vampony power..." Fluttershy feebly attempted to explain.

"Man, I never get to see the cool stuff." I groused. "I missed the Rainboom, I missed Rarity talking those dogs out of their valuables, and now I missed you using your cool vampire powers! My timing sucks!"

Fluttershy's eyes shifted to the Crusaders with a nervous chuckle. "Now come along girls, we really need to get you to bed." She hurriedly pushed them along, apparently eager to not discuss this, especially with other ponies in the room.

The Crusaders made no effort to argue, and they disappeared upstairs again. I waited where I stood for Fluttershy to emerge to at least say farewell before I leave. I casually wiped some dust off the table just in time for Fluttershy to come back down. "Hey Fluttershy, is there anywhere you want me to put that ball of splinters?" I asked.

"If you could, would you mind putting it out back in the trash?"

"You keep your trash bin in your backyard?"

Fluttershy nodded meekly. "It's so nopony has to look at it when they pass by."

I considered bringing up how no one would pass by Fluttershy's house unless they were on their way to the Everfree Forest, but I decided against it. "Sure. I'll do that real quick, and I'll be heading home."

"Thank you, Twilight. It was wonderful to have you over." She said with an accommodating smile.

"Yeah, I had a pretty good time, myself. See you later, Fluttershy."

"Bye." She waved as I left.

I levitated the ball of splinters out with me to the backyard. I opened the little grey bin with one hand and dumped the ball in there. I slammed it shut and wiped my hands with finality. I looked around to see if there was anything I was missing. Concluding that there was nothing I missed, I walked around to the front and headed along the path home. Full moon tonight, so it was easy to see where I was going. Then again, there was always a full moon. Strange meteorological phenomenon, that. Just another thing I'll have to look up when I've got the time.

I made it quite a ways down the street when I thought I heard a door close nearby. It was a tiny detail, but one that I caught nonetheless. I idly looked around as I walked to see who was coming out this late at night. No one was opening their doors. I looked behind me to see if it was Fluttershy's house, and it was, but I could tell it wasn't Fluttershy herself. Fluttershy was taller and definitely less numerous than the three tiny forms I could make out in the distance. I stopped and looked over to them, wondering what they were doing outside.

The three fillies scrambled down the road in the opposite direction from me, and now I was wondering where they were going. Until just a moment later when I realized too late they were headed for the forest. I wanted to yell out to them, and maybe that would have been the right call, but I didn't want to wake Fluttershy's neighbors. I ran back up the road to catch up to the fillies, but I was too slow to catch up; they disappeared into the forest.

I entered the forest just a few moments later, but I stopped when I looked around and could barely see anything. My inferior human eyes have not yet adapted to the lower light of either the night or the forest, and so I only saw deep black in all directions. "Girls? Are you around here?" I yelled.

No response. They must have moved pretty quickly if they couldn't hear me. I wasn't going to waste any time waiting for my eyes to adjust; a forest was no place for children. Hell, it wasn't any place for an untrained adult, but that wasn't going to stop me from venturing forth. I conjured a small globe of light in my left hand to illuminate the forest around me. I could clearly see the path before me now, and I quickly took notice of four sets of conspicuous tracks: three equine tracks and one belonging to a bird. Were the Crusaders chasing after something? Perhaps it was a stray chicken that managed to run in the confusion that was mentioned earlier?

Whatever the case, I had to find them fast. Their tracks led past some undergrowth just off the path. With my superior stride, I hoped I would be moving fast enough to catch them before something else does.

Time was of the essence, but I wanted to ensure my success, and I couldn't do that if I got lost. I channeled my earth moving spell and stomped an arrow into the ground, pointing outside the forest. That was my plan: every so often leaving a marker arrow pointing me towards the previous marker, which would lead me outside the forest and into safety. With a solid plan in mind, I charged an energy bolt with my remaining hand and followed the trail, ready to blast anything that jumped me.

Not that I was afraid of getting attacked by wolves, or anything. Chances are if I were attacked by wolves, I'd at least be able to get out of their jaws and fend them off. Lack of fear didn't mean I wasn't nervous, though. I've looked through a few bestiaries, and let's just say that ursas weren't the most dangerous creatures out there. Every tiny rustling of the leaves caught my attention as if it was a fearsome predator after my tasty human flesh. They luckily turned out to be nothing more than a few smaller creatures and the wind, but I was still on edge.

I stepped over another set of bushes and heard a mercifully welcome sound: voices. I could barely her the tail end of an argument about something, but they spoke in the familiar voices of the Crusaders. "Girls, is that you?" I called out.

"Twilight? What are you doing out here?" I heard Apple Bloom ask a few paces away.

I stepped through a wall of leaves with my energy bolt cancelled and looked down at the perfectly healthy fillies. "Following you through this dangerous and unpredictable wilderness. What are you three doing out here?"

"We're tracking down one of Fluttershy's chickens for her!" Sweetie proudly proclaimed.

"That's very noble of you, but we should get out of here as soon as possible. This forest isn't very kind to ponies."

"But what about the chicken?" Scootaloo inquired.

I thought of what I could possibly say as to spare their feelings. One chicken was hardly worth the lives of three children, but I doubted they would appreciate such an assessment. "It's a regrettable turn of events, but I'm sure the chicken will be fine until the morning. Mounting a rescue this late at night is suicidal. Let's just go back to Fluttershy's and you can let us worry about it tomorrow, okay?"

"But we might get our cutie marks this way!" Apple Bloom protested.

"Maybe," I conceded. "But we shouldn't take such a gamble in a place this dangerous. If tracking down lost animals really were your special talent, I'd rather you find that out in a safe town like Ponyville, not in the Everfree where it might be the last thing you learn. Come on." I beckoned, taking a step towards the exit. "We'll pick this up later."

"Okay." The Crusaders agreed with a sigh. They walked towards me, and we were soon to leave the forest.

The bushes rustled behind them. They stopped and perked their heads at the sound.

Fearing it was some forest creature looking for a snack, I jumped over the fillies and stood defensively between the bushes and the girls. I charged magic into my hand, ready to blast whatever poked its head out. There was a tiny squawk, and the bushes shook once more. I tensed and aimed my hand in its direction.

A small stone chicken fell face-first from out of the bushes. We stood there staring at the oddity in confusion. What a curious and completely random sight. I levitated it over and inspected it closer. Its wings were splayed out to its sides and its beak wide open as if in a silent scream of terror. Its stone form was posed mid-stride, like it was in the middle of running from something.

I thought of a few possibilities that I sincerely hoped were wrong. The Crusaders were in here chasing after a chicken, and this just so happened to be a chicken statue. Unless this was a random statue being used as a distraction by a particularly intelligent predator, this must have been the actual chicken they were chasing. There are two creatures that can turn another creature to stone, one of which was called a basilisk. Seeing as how the basilisk is a desert animal, that left us with the only forest creature with a petrifying attack.

The monster in question hopped out of the bushes and hissed at me. At first glance, it wasn't a very threatening creature. It had the head and feet of a chicken, but had the body of a wyvern. This strange hybrid of bird and reptile didn't seem threatening to anyone with its small size, but its appearance masked a threat that few monsters could match. Few understood the beast's true terror, but I did. This was the cockatrice, the bird of stone.

I braced myself for the inevitable charge. From its threatening posture, it must have thought of us as an easy meal. I'd make sure that it didn't even get a chance to go after the Crusaders. As long as I could avoid its bite, I could avoid suffering the same fate as Fluttershy's wayward chicken. I stared hard into its eyes and waited for it to make its move.

I didn't read the bestiary entry for the cockatrice, so I was unaware of the difference between the real cockatrices of Equestria and the fake stat blocks in the Dungeons and Dragons Monstrous Manual. I was under the impression that its bite was the attack that turned one to stone, but that was a false assumption. I knew that the moment its eyes flashed and my toes grew numb.

I didn't pay much attention to the numbness at first, but when the feeling like ice spread through my legs, I couldn't ignore it or the smug look of the cockatrice any longer. I checked on my legs to see what the problem was, and I gasped in terror. Before my eyes, I saw my body morphing into cold grey stone. I tried to move my legs, but the affliction already spread up to my abdomen. I shifted around to try and resist the petrification, but I didn't know any way to save myself.

I'll spare you some of the more horrifying details of my petrification. It spread through my chest in an uncomfortable manner and cut off my circulation, and mercifully accelerated to encase me in stone for an unknown period of time. It's funny, the last thing I thought before my certain death was "Third time's the charm."

...

...

Just as suddenly as my perception cut off, it returned to me. The stone disease receded past my torso and I took a breathed in as much precious oxygen as I could with a single rasping breath. I fell to my knees as they returned to their natural state. I breathed heavily with my mind rushing to work lucidly. After a few breaths, I looked up to see if the cockatrice was still there or something. It was, but now Fluttershy was was having an impromptu staring contest. Petrifying gaze versus dominating gaze, and Fluttershy looked victorious. The cockatrice was shamefully cowering before the awesome might of the pacifist pony.

The Crusaders surrounded me, pressing their hooves to my sides in concern. "Are ya okay, Twilight?"

I glared up to see the cockatrice just as it scampered off into the forest with a sob. Good, if it stuck around, I wouldn't have been held accountable for my acts of chicken murder. "I think so." I growled.

Fluttershy came over and worked with the Crusaders to help me to my feet. "What happened?" I asked wearily.

"I scolded the cockatrice and he was so sorry about turning you to stone that he let you go." Fluttershy told me.

I looked towards the direction the cockatrice fled, but the area was still now. Was it really as simple as telling the cockatrice that he was being an assface and expect him to reverse the damage? I shook my head clear of the matter. "So you saved me." I leaned down and wrapped my arms around Fluttershy. "Thank you."

Fluttershy returned the hug. We broke off a moment later and returned to the task at hand. "How about we go back home?" Fluttershy suggested.

"Agreed."

Fluttershy's lost chicken hopped up on her back with copious flapping of wings, and settled in for the walk to Fluttershy's cottage. I gave the chicken a dirty look for leading us out there in the first place, but we soon began our trek, following the markers I left behind.

The Crusaders were upstairs in Fluttershy's room getting some sleep for real this time. Fluttershy and I sat in her living room, for I wanted to have one last exchange with her. "Hey, thanks again for saving me."

"You're welcome, Twilight. Anything for a friend." Fluttershy said with a smile.

I smiled in turn. "Look, you saved my life. I don't know how I can repay you, but if you ever need anything, you can count on me."

Fluttershy looked down at her hooves in thought. "Actually, I want to know something about you, if that's okay."

I perked an eyebrow with interest. "Okay, what is it you want to know?"

Fluttershy rubbed her hooves nervously. "Um, what is that secret of yours you're still hiding?"

I paled at the question. I didn't want to reveal anything, yet here she was asking about it. I knew she deserved to know, but I feared her reaction. I tried to rationalize something, and I latched on to Fluttershy's own secret. Perhaps if I held back a few details, she wouldn't react too harshly.

I took a deep breath. "Well, you saved my life, so I owe you some explanation." Fluttershy made to interject, but I stopped her with a halting gesture. "Don't argue, I needed to tell someone at some point, anyway. You see, I'm not really a pony; I'm a human."

Fluttershy's eyes widened at the news. "Wow, really?" I nodded. "Oh my gosh, I never would have guessed! But how do you look like a pony all the time?"

"Magic."

Fluttershy tilted her head in confusion. "But I was there when you transformed into your natural form with the others. Why were you so surprised that you could use magic then?"

It was once again the time to cover my tracks with excuses. "I wasn't. I knew I could use magic as a human the whole time, but I pretended to be oblivious so I wouldn't raise any suspicion about not being a pony."

"Really? It's incredible the amount of effort you put into hiding this from everypony, but do you really want to keep hiding it now?"

I nodded. "I want every pony to continue thinking I'm just another pony. I don't want any of them to freak out about it."

Fluttershy lowered her head. "Is this because of Zecora? Do you think we'll shun you?"

I sighed as an exaggerated show of contemplation. "No, I suppose you wouldn't. But I want to keep it secret because I don't want anyone to treat me any differently."

"Differently how?"

"It's like finding a new species to study: everyone with interest will do everything in their power to study me because humans aren't known to Equestria. Worse yet, other ponies outside our circle might never accept me as another sapient being. It's just easier to pretend to be a pony."

"Oh." Fluttershy responded sadly. "I'm sorry to hear that. It must be so difficult for you."

"It's not so bad; not when I have a good friend like you."

Fluttershy smiled, but her eyes teared up. "I... um... a-anytime."

I didn't want to stick around for too much longer. After all, I wanted to leave on this high note and the previous excuses I made would tide her over for a while. I stood up and walked to the door. "I'm glad we had this talk. I feel a lot better about it now, but I need to get going. Spike's likely going to freak out if I don't come home soon."

"Okay. It was good talking to you." Fluttershy said with a wave.

I waved back. "Bye, Fluttershy."

I closed the door behind me. It was really late at night by then, so I cast the Flight spell on myself and soared back to the library. I didn't know how guilty I should feel about that conversation. I told the truth about my humanity, but I had to lie to get her to believe that's all there was to it. Fluttershy deserved the whole truth. How many lies do I need to tell before it's all over? How long will I be able to handle this?

I cleared those thoughts from my mind. I only did what I had to. The longer I can keep up the act, the more time I have to fix everything. That's what matters, but only if I don't get caught. Even if it means lying to my friends.

With a shudder I attributed to the cool night air, I flew over the sleeping town of Ponyville, with a mind that wasn't as ethically certain as I wanted.

Author's Note

Compared to the last two, this chapter came out pretty quickly, didn't it? There's a reason for that. See, I'm starting my new job soon, and I don't know how negatively it will affect my updates. I won't say much more about it, but my updates might be a little slower from now on. For now, here's a quick chapter.

Feeling Like an Ass

I trotted down the streets of Ponyville one fine morning with saddlebags filled with groceries. Ordering takeout was fine and all, but we had to occasionally get something healthier and cheaper. Actually, I wasn't sure if the fast food places in Ponyville were anything like the ones back home. In my world, fast food was greasy because we often dealt with meat, so would that carry over to exclusively vegetarian meals? I'd have to look that up.

Regardless of my reasoning, I went shopping that day. Needless to say, normal food wasn't the only thing on the shopping list (there was no shopping list, a fact that made Spike roll his eyes). I made sure to grab a few snacks for my own chowing pleasure. After all, I planned to buckle down on my divinations the next day. The combination of Canterlot Chews, Cherry Blossom brand gummies, and orange soda would make for a perfect all-night research binge. Though come to think of it, I was also going to binge on candy and carbonated drinks.

As I walked along with a general plan in mind, I noticed Rarity just down the street. Wouldn't you know it, she was walking in my direction. It wouldn't hurt to have a little mid-morning chat with my friend, so we met in the middle of the marketplace and began to talk.

"Hey Rarity, how's it going?"

"Quite well. I somehow managed to get that colossal order completed." Rarity sighed with relief.

"That's good, though I've been wondering something. Who needed all those gold robes, anyway?"

"A group that called themselves the Association of Glittery Things. I'm not quite sure who they are, but they are apparently a big deal in Canterlot. Not that I've heard of them, so I suppose they must be secretive."

"Sounds like it. So what do they do? Are they wealthy bankers that have parties in hidden locations? Form a congregation of chanting druids for the glory of money?"

Rarity chuckled. "Considering Canterlot nobility, it's probably the latter. So what about you? How was your weekend?"

"Uh, could have been better."

"Really? Were the girls that much trouble?"

I shook my head. "No, but I failed in a little task of mine."

"Oh? What was it you were doing?"

"I was trying to get Fluttershy's kind and patient nature to rub off on me."

Rarity politely held back a snicker. "Really? And how did that work out for you?"

"I swore vengeance on a cockatrice instead."

Rarity tried and failed to hold back a single laugh. "I see. If it went that badly, you must have had a rough time of it."

"You don't know the half of it."

We spoke a little while longer just to catch up after the craziness of the weekend, but things in Ponyville are rarely so peaceful for long. I've learned that there is more than enough chaos to make sure that every day is hectic to some degree, but it can mostly be avoided when you stay inside. We were outside, which meant that the peace and (relative) quiet was as good as over.

I looked across the street through a crowd of shopping ponies to spy a spry Pinkie Pie, merrily skipping by and greeting everyone. Pinkie noticed me and waved enthusiastically. I waved back with Rarity joining in. Nothing too strange; just a few friends acknowledging one another. Then Pinkie's tail shook. When this happened, Pinkie's eyes widened in fright. She took a deep breath.

"TWITCHY TAIL!"

Pinkie's shout halted all activity in the marketplace. For a single moment, nobody moved. Everyone looked at Pinkie for a brief moment as if to process her words.

Then they panicked.

Chilling silence turned into deafening screams of terror as every pony ran away. Some ran into their homes, others ducked under stalls or hopped into trashcans as if to hide from a coming apocalypse. Even Rarity, a drama queen but no less a collected pony, shrieked about Sweetie Belle being at her house and ran off. I figured she meant that Sweetie was in danger of something, but that raised the question of what. Meanwhile, I stood there in a once crowded marketplace as its lifeblood poured in every which direction, once more questioning the sanity of the ponies and whether or not I should go loco as well.

Pinkie Pie was hiding under a bench for some reason, and she was definitely the one I needed to talk to for any of this to make any sense (if there was any sense to begin with). I casually walked over and knelt nearby. I asked the trembling pink pony, "Pinkie, what the hell just happened?"

Pinkie looked up at me with pleading and frightened eyes. "Find cover! Something's about to fall!"

I still didn't get it. What did anything up to now have to do with falling objects? "Okay, how do you know this?"

"Twitchy tail, Twilight! It makes perfect sense!"

"I'd argue about that, but I choose not to." I deadpanned. "Just for the record, please explain this stuff in a format that a logical mind can comprehend, okay?"

Pinkie nodded quickly. "It's my Pinkie Sense! Every time my body twitches or spasms, it means something is about to happen! Twitchy tail means something will fall on somepony!"

I sighed with exasperation. "Pinkie, just because you don't know how your body works doesn't mean that it's premonitory of something. That would be like saying a toilet bowl flushing clockwise is a sign of good fortune: it's nonsen-"

Something splatted against my face. Figures that my rant was interrupted by something seemingly proving me wrong. I opened my eyes and glared at the offending object. Said object croaked. It was a frog. Where did a frog even come from? I looked up to find my answer.

I saw Fluttershy flapping her wings in place, peering down at me apologetically. She had a cart of hopping mad frogs fastened to her, and it made no move to fall down. How was she doing that? How come pegasi were so good at breaking physics apart like a kid with a Transformers toy?

Have you ever had a Transformers toy? Trust me, those things break easily.

"Oh, I'm sorry Twilight!" She called down to me. "I was just helping all these froggies move to Froggy Bottom Bog."

I sighed and levitated the fallen frog up to his brethren. "It's okay; it was just a frog. At least it wasn't an anvil or a grand piano!"

"Were you expecting one of those?"

"No, but I wouldn't be surprised! By the way, are you still able to hang out tonight?"

Fluttershy shook her head. "Sorry, but I need to help these frogs adjust to their new lives in the swamp."

I balked. "That's going to take you all day? What are you doing, helping them one by one?"

"Yes; they each have their own sensibilities!"

I was about to argue, but I trailed a hoof down my face instead. Of course Fluttershy would treat frogs just like anyone else. "Sure, okay. I'll see you later, then!"

"Goodbye, Twilight!" With all her froggy friends accounted for, Fluttershy pulled away towards the Everfree Forest, where I assumed the bog was.

Pinkie crawled out from under the bench with a sigh of relief. "Whew, crisis averted. Twitchy Tail is over, everypony!"

With Pinkie's latest proclamation, every pony emerged from hiding and resumed their daily bustle as if nothing happened.

Looking around at all the people taking this crap for granted, I asked Pinkie "So what's with your Pinkie Sense, anyway? Does it really work so often that everyone takes it like the daily weather?"

"Yep! My Pinkie Sense has been predicting disasters for years!"

I gave it a little thought. Does Pinkie Sense make sense? Well, as far as Pinkie goes, it makes about as much sense as anything else about her. "Sure, of course your body spasms predict the future. I figured you were a telepath, anyways."

Pinkie scrunched up suddenly. She ground her teeth and shook like she was retching. Then she made an unexpected exclamation. "Beep!"

"What was that?"

"Involuntary beeping. Something disappointing must have happened." She explained.

I had a Quirky Eyebrow. Something weird must have happened. "...riiight."

"Mm-hm. So what are you doing tonight?"

"Well, I was going to hang out with Fluttershy, but I guess I don't have any plans now."

"Didn't you say you were trying to get anger management advice from her?"

"Uh, I'm pretty sure I didn't tell you that. Did someone else tell you?"

Pinkie smiled broadly. "Well what are you doing talking to Fluttershy? If you want to stop being angry, then you should talk to the Element of Laughter!" She suddenly leaned in next to me and whispered conspiratorially. "That means me."

"I know you're the Element of Laughter." I deadpanned. "And the point of the exercise was to keep me from getting into fights."

"Happy ponies don't start fights, either! Come on!" She bounced down the street. "Let's go make you the happiest pony who happens to not be me!"

I didn't immediately move to follow her. I knew I should probably accept her offer to help, at least for her sake. Hell, the worst case scenario was me getting burned out from Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie all day. The only other concern I had was whether or not Celestia would be pissed if I went with Pinkie's help instead of seeking Fluttershy's. I dismissed the possibility. I was sure that the princess would be okay with whatever I did, as long as I stopped getting kicked out of local businesses.

When Pinkie stopped to wave me over, I finally ran after her. I had to make a quick stop to drop off my saddlebags, but after that, I was going with Pinkie Pie to wherever she thought best to make me more positive. Whatever the hell that entails.

I followed Pinkie Pie to her chosen destination. I don't know what else I was expecting, but whenever I considered what she thought was "the happiest place ever", I imagined Sugarcube Corner. And wouldn't you know it, that's where we were. The place looked empty, though.

"Huh, I guess Mrs. Cake's tummy is bothering her again. Oh well, that just means it's you and me, Twilight!" Pinkie said, noting its emptiness and trotting inside.

There's a snarky voice in my head that would like to say I like where this is going, but I chose to ignore it. I followed her inside. "So what are we doing here? I wouldn't mind a cookie or something, but I doubt that's what we're here for."

"We're going to the basement!"

I looked at her as if she was as weird as she actually was. "What's so great about the basement?"

Pinkie giggled. "The Cakes don't go down there, anymore. Ever since I came here, I was in charge of the basement's inventory, and they never go down there to see what I stash there! I can do whatever I want in the basement!"

"Uh huh. So what are are we going to do there?"

"We're gonna talk!'

There was a brief pause in our conversation during which I hoped Pinkie would elaborate. She didn't. That left me to make my own conclusion, and I thought of the Circle from That 70's Show. "So we're going to get high and talk about random stuff?"

Pinkie giggled again. "Oh Twilight, you're so silly! Ponies don't get high in basements; they get lower!" She pushed past a door beyond the front counter and stepped down the stairs.

I rolled my eyes and followed. The stairway was so dark, that I could barely see the wooden steps leading down into an uncharacteristically mundane masonry room. At least I assumed the rest of the basement looked like the floor, because I couldn't see past the foot of the staircase. Pinkie disappeared into the darkness, but I could still hear her hoofsteps going just a bit further in.

I lit up my horn for a light spell, but the click of a lamp beat me to the punch. It was a black lamp hanging from the ceiling by a chain, shining a narrow conical field of light onto Pinkie Pie and a flat red sofa below, revealing nothing else in the room. The sofa was sloped, as if it was intended for naps instead of sitting. Pinkie stood at the head of the sofa and motioned to it. "Go ahead and lie down."

I looked between her and the sofa with a shrug. Hey, might as well. I lied on the sofa, placing my head on its slight incline. Oh yeah, it felt pretty good. "Alright, what's next?"

Pinkie turned and dragged a big red chair from out of the darkness. "Okie doki, now you just need to tell me your problems!"

I examined my surroundings once more. A sofa made for lying down, a big chair positioned by my head, and a helpful pony? "This is a psychiatry session, isn't it?"

"Yep!" Pinkie looked all around as if she was checking through a checklist of half-remembered psychiatry. "Oh, I know what I forgot!"

Zooming like the Roadrunner, Pinkie ran all around me in a haze. I couldn't follow her movements, so I didn't even try. She finally stopped, and stood over me to admire her handiwork. I slowly realized she was looking over me, so I looked down at myself. Odd, how did Pinkie strap me to the sofa without me feeling a thing? That was a pretty amazing, if nonsensical, skill.

Wait a minute... "Pinkie? Why did you bind me to the sofa?"

Pinkie shrugged. "Hey, it's what my psychologist did."

"Your psychologist did this? Wait, don't you mean psychiatrist?"

"Yeah, she said something about me being 'Obnoxious', but I've always been Pinkie Pie. I don't even know anypony named Obnoxious."

I looked up at Pinkie and wondered what significance that held. Whatever, this is Pinkie Pie we're talking about. She's a little weird. That being said, I figured it wouldn't hurt to joke around. "So I'm tied up in your basement now? You know, there's a voice in my head that wants to say I like where this is going, but I try to ignore it."

Pinkie stood over me and leaned down intently, leaving us face to face. "You can hear the voices, too?"

I was taken aback by Pinkie's insinuation that she heard voices. "Uh, no?"

Pinkie backed away with a pout. "Aw, I was really hoping there was another pony that could hear them. We could've had an invisible tea party, which is the best kind of tea party!"

"So... you are taking medicine for them, right?"

"Yeah, I do."

"And that stops them from talking, right?" I asked hopefully.

"Nah, they don't stop talking; they just start saying nice things."

With no further hesitation, I untied myself with my telekinesis and shot up to a sitting position. "Uh, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not be bound to a chair."

Pinkie shrugged her indifference. "If you say so. Now, let's delve deep into your psyche and figure out what's troubling you."

Okay, so Pinkie really was playing psychiatrist. Might as well play along. "Sure thing; what do you think is the cause of my distress, doc?"

Pinkie giggled. "You called me a doctor! I don't even have a medical license!" Another giggle. "Right, this looks like the symptoms of childhood trauma!"

"What?" I balked incredulously. "You came to that diagnosis awfully fast! You didn't even ask me anything!"

"Oh, whoops! I'm forgetting lots of procedure!" Pinkie lightly bonked her head.

"Let me guess, that's what your psychologist did?"

"Pretty much."

I rolled my eyes. Some doctors in Equestria, I swear. "Right, well this is the part where you dig information out of my head."

"Won't I need a shovel for that?"

I sighed. "Not unless you have a mop, too. Look, how about I just skip to the part where I just start talking about myself and you pretend to take notes?"

"Okie Doki Loki!" Pinkie fished out a notepad and a pencil, opened the notebook, and immediately scribbled something down.

"You're already writing? What notes could you possibly have to write this early?"

"I'm drawing you with whipped cream on your horn! See?" Pinkie held out the notepad. Indeed, there was a crude outline of me with something foamy dripping down the front of my horn and onto my cheek.

"Uh... huh." I was wondering what should bother me more: that Pinkie only scribbled for a couple of seconds and still made something recognizable, or that her picture looked so risque. "I'm just going to start talking now."

"And I'll be here listening!" Pinkie resumed intently scribbling in her notebook.

I rolled my eyes once more, and began my tale. "So, I'm Twilight Sparkle."

"But I already know who you are." Pinkie interrupted.

I sighed again. "It's just how the first session starts. I'm doing it for posterity."

Pinkie only looked more confused. "Posterity? What do butts have to do with this?"

I looked up to the ceiling to see if God would explain why he was tormenting me so. He chose this time to be silent. "You're thinking of 'posterior', Pinkie. Posterity means for future generations, but for now, we can deduce that I meant for the benefit of future sessions with Doctor Pie, amateur psychiatrist."

"Oh, okay. Please continue."

"Right. So I come from..." I trailed off for a moment to recall what my "childhood" was like. A lot of it would have to be guesswork, since I didn't do much digging on Twilight's past. "...Canterlot, where I was born into a modest family." Next up, I was going to just sprinkle in a little truth and hope it didn't bite me in the ass. "My dad was an office guy; I didn't really know what he did. Mom was a teacher. She taught math to middle-schoolers, and came home smelling like peaches and alcohol. I guess she's where I got my taste for the stuff." I chuckled.

"Any brothers or sisters?" Pinkie asked.

Again, I was starting to regret focusing on expanding my arcane power instead of learning about who Twilight was. I just had to hope for the best. Hopefully the lack of contact from any siblings meant she had none, just like me. Then again, I haven't received any messages from my supposed parents either, and I doubted Twilight is an orphan. "No, I'm an only child."

Pinkie moaned sympathetically. "Sounds lonely, to me."

"I don't get lonely." I informed. "My only company for a long time was from bottles and books, yet I've never felt the sting of loneliness before."

"Didn't you have any friends at all?"

I shook my head. "No, didn't need 'em. Unlike everyone else, I was well enough on my own that I didn't need them cluttering my life."

Pinkie lowered her notebook. She was getting very concerned, all of a sudden. "You didn't want friends at all?"

"Look," I said, leaning forward and gesturing with my hooves like they were hands. "I'm an individual. A strong individual. The very last thing I needed was a bunch of people telling me to be less like me, and more like them. I choose for myself who I want to be, and I don't take crap from the posers around me. They didn't interest me and they weren't interested in me, so I was a loner." I rationalized.

"But you must have at least tried. Living life without friends is like life on a rock farm."

"... A rock farm?"

"Yeah."

"What's a rock farm? Isn't that basically a quarry?"

"No, we grew rocks and pushed them to the edge of the farm."

I had a couple of questions. How do you grow rocks? Is there a special kind of plant for rocks? Can you grow minerals? I went for the route of least resistance. "Then what?"

"Then we grow more rocks."

I scratched my ear as if my confusion was caused by a buildup of earwax. "Then what do you do with the rocks?"

"We push them."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... Okay, I'll look it up later. What was your question again?"

"Did you ever try to make friends?" Pinkie rephrased.

"Right, right. Yeah, I've tried before. It didn't go so well."

"Well, what happened?"

I sighed and rubbed my head. "Let me preface by saying how much I've heard about friendship before I went to school. I've read many comics and instructional guides on friendship. They had a lot of advice, and I followed all of it: show interest in their likes, smile and be polite, and all that crap. It seemed to work. The first couple of kids actually talked to me and were really nice."

"That doesn't sound so bad." Pinkie commented hopefully.

I raised a hoof, motioning that she wait a moment before reaching conclusions. "At first. We played ball games and stuff, generally having a good time, but one day, I walked around a corner and I overheard them talking about me behind my back. They didn't have anything nice to say about me when I couldn't look 'em in the face, and believe me, they said some nasty things. Afterwards, I basically told them that they could suck it, and I spent the rest of the school year sitting in the back corner and reading where no one would bother me."

Pinkie faltered a bit, thinking of something encouraging to say. "Oh, that's pretty bad. But that was just one time, right?"

I motioned for her patience one more time. "The next school year, I didn't even get as far as a second sentence before they started calling me names. I didn't know it at the time, but those kids were already friends from the last school year, and they didn't take to well to an outsider trying to barge in. They picked on me for any detail they found, screwed around with my stuff when I wasn't looking, and blamed everything they ever did on me. The teacher, gullible prick that he was, ate up their accusations like a dog from its dish. I got held back that year for disciplinary issues alone, all because five people were too stubborn to talk to the new kid and the teacher was an ass-sac."

Pinkie winced at the increased intensity of my words. "That's even worse."

"Yeah, and after that, I just stopped trying. The next school year was a very positive experience for me. I didn't talk to anyone, I had a lot of free time to myself, and no one stopped me from doing whatever I wanted, so long as I did it alone. It was a cool year. Year after that, bullies started getting physical, so I got physical right back. A few broken noses and bruised faces were enough to keep them from fucking with me any further, and scared off anyone else from wanting to even look at me funny. I felt accomplished. Sure, I had a few disciplinary troubles for it, but I've never liked authority after first grade. They're blind, misguided idiots when they're not complete assholes, but their inattentive nature made me good at working in the shadows. They never turn around, so their backs made easy blind spots to exploit. Things got pretty quiet for the rest of my school life, until we eventually got to where we are now."

Pinkie's lip twitched deciding between a tentative smile or a sympathetic frown. "Wow, that's... unhappy. Where do I even start?"

I shrugged. "Start wherever."

"Okay... so how do you feel about Princess Celestia?"

I honestly pondered how to answer that question. Celestia was an authority, sure, but she was actually pretty nice. From what I could tell, Equestria flourished under her care and became a paradise. "Celestia is a good leader, unlike most. She seems to care, which would explain how spontaneous musical numbers are so common. If she were a tyrant, she would have outlawed that kind of thing to keep her subjects in line."

"How did you become her student, anyway? I didn't think the princess would have wanted to teach somepony with a violent history."

This required a little thought. Pinkie was right to assume the princess would reject a guy like me, but how could I convince her otherwise? "I guess she just saw something in me. Maybe she saw a hidden power or thought my guile would be a good fit for politics. Who's to say what her motivations were?"

Pinkie hummed thoughtfully. "I see. So you must have come out of your shell at some point, right? You wouldn't be so good at talking if you didn't."

"That's an easy one. Every time I bantered with someone was like a little practice session for me. I found out what makes someone angry and what makes them happy. It's just a matter of word choice and spontaneity."

"So you've spent your life pushing ponies away with your speaking skills?"

"Only when they were talking trash. I may not have wanted to make any friends, but that's no reason to be a dick."

Pinkie looked down at her discarded notebook in thought. "Okay, well at least I know what your problem is."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, you're still upset about the colts and fillies that didn't like you."

I conceded with a casual shrug. "Yeah, I'll admit that I'm still bitter."

"But where does that leave us?"

"Us? You mean the two of us?"

"No, me and the girls; Rarity, Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Applejack."

"Oh. Well, you don't need to worry about me treating you all any differently. You're the first actual friends I've ever had."

Pinkie broke out a smile. "So you don't hold any illie-willies against us for being your friends when you didn't want any?"

I stifled a dismissive chuckle. "If by 'illie-willies' you mean 'ill will', then no. You five are the happiest accidents I've ever had. I'm glad I have the five of you for however long."

Pinkie frowned with concern again. "Wait, you're not going away, are you?"

"Huh? What gave you that impression?"

"Just now, you said you had us 'for however long'. Does that mean you're leaving?"

I slapped a hoof to my head. I got careless again, and let another bit of information slip. It was a pain, but I had to explain myself. "Okay, you got me. I'm not going to be in Ponyville for too long. I plan on leaving as soon as I can."

"But why?" Pinkie asked. "You said yourself that you're happy here, and that you have friends! How can you leave us behind?

"True, I have friends here that I actually care about. Believe me, no one is more apprehensive of leaving than I am, but I don't really have a choice. I don't want to leave, but I have to."

Pinkie's voice grew more worried and pleading. "But why? I don't want you to go! You actually listen to me! Unlike most ponies, you don't run away when I say something spooky!"

"Well, in my defense, I thought running away from you earlier would have just offended you, and you would have hunted me down and put me into pies or something."

Pinkie looked at me like I was crazy. "Pies? Why would I do pies when cupcakes are so much better?"

"Cupcakes are messy and impractical." I explained. "At least with pie, you have all this space to bake my insides."

"Oh yeah." Pinkie said, acknowledging a good idea when she heard one. "What about eclairs? Those can hold stuff, too!'

"Yeah, but I only see that working with stallions, and I doubt my horn would be big enough to hold much."

"What if I used intestines?"

I thought about it. "Yeah, that could work. I have to wonder if blood makes a good replacement for batter, because if it does, you could make muffins."

"Yeah, that would be interesting. See?" Pinkie gestured her hooves between us. "We're actually having a conversation about this! Anypony else would have awkwardly changed the subject!"

"Hmm, I guess so." I conceded. "I know what it's like to have things to say, but not having anyone who will listen."

"And when were you planning on telling us about your mystery trip? We would have missed you if you didn't say goodbye!"

I hung my head. "I wasn't planning on telling anyone. I don't want to rile you up with something like that."

"But we would miss you!" Pinkie argued. "We like you, Twilight, and we don't want to say goodbye!"

If only it were as simple as doing nothing. I wasn't going to say any more to Pinkie on that subject, but I knew my departure would be best with little fanfare, not to mention that there was a replacement waiting and ready for her return. "I'm sorry, but I'll have to leave at some point, and the earlier, the better."

"But why do you have to leave? Why can't you stay?"

"I have to leave because it's the right thing to do. I can't say why, just that it is."

Pinkie stared into my eyes with thought. "It's because of your secret, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Pinkie started tearing up out of guilt, and I waved my arms at her to hastily explain. "Wait, it's not your fault! I know you feel bad about the last time I tried to confess, but that's not the problem!" I let out a breath and calmly resumed. "It has nothing to do with how I feel about the five of you or how I think you'll react to the truth; it's the truth itself that compels me. I need to leave, and I've come to that conclusion months ago."

"You can't say why?"

"No, I'm sorry."

"And I can't convince you to stay?"

"I'm afraid not. You may not understand why just yet, but it's for the best."

Pinkie's gaze fell to the floor. I felt like a hole opened up in my stomach. It's never easy to tell your friends that you aren't long for the world, even if you're a bit ambiguous about it. I basically just told her that I was going to abandon my friends, so of course I felt like a right bastard. What could I say after that? Is there any easy way to reconcile with someone you've just upset?

I wasn't given a lot of time to think about it, for Pinkie looked back up to me with steel in her eyes and a determined smile on her face. "Well, if you won't be staying in Ponyville, then I'll just have to spend more time with you now!"

I was a bit taken aback by Pinkie's sudden turn around, but no less pleased. "Really?"

"Yeppers! You won't be around forever, so that means our time together right now is a lot more valuable!" Pinkie hopped next to me and grabbed me tight. "And no matter what, we'll always be friends! Pinkie Promise!"

I managed a half smile and hugged her back. "Yeah, I promise we'll always be friends."

Pinkie pushed away with an eager smile. "I got it! Let's go get some cupcakes! I know a place that makes the best cakes in town!"

I chuckled wryly. "Let me guess, Sugarcube Corner?"

"Yep! Their food is amazing! Let's go before a line forms up!" Pinkie bounded towards and up the stairs before I could say anything.

Not that I would have said anything against getting cupcakes, but there wasn't likely going to be a line since the store was closed. I held back on that and followed behind her. "So I suppose we're going to be spending more time together?"

"That's the plan!" Pinkie declared waiting on me at the top of the stairs. "I just know that you'll have such a good time that you'll never forget about us!"

I made a good show of smiling, but I suspected that she just let on more than she intended. I figured she wanted to make good with me and convince me to say, but I politely let it be. What's important was that we were going to have a good time together for as long as that would last.

As Pinkie stood in front of the counter, hopping back and forth to essentially take her own order, I stood aside and let it all sink in. My energetic friend was going to be around a lot more, and I liked that. It warms the heart to think that my friend wanted to make more of an effort to stand beside me.

Though I had to wonder about myself. I've been here for many months now, but how much of a friend have I really been? Was it enough to be around and do favors? Pinkie said my friends would miss me when I left, but how true was that?

I shook it off before Pinkie noticed my gloomy thinking. It would have to be enough. I'll make damn sure that Twilight has the best friends she possibly can before I leave. At least with Pinkie Pie, I know she'll be in good hooves.

Author's Note

I absolutely know what a rock farm does, but I'm not telling. I'll never tell. :trollestia:

Questions Unanswered

The basement door closed up and the lock clicked. Spike smiled. With her locked up in the basement to do research, this was a perfect opportunity to head out into Ponyville without "Twilight" catching him in the act. He left the main room of the library and out into the streets, where he sauntered to the outskirts of town.

He felt pretty good about his chances, this time. The pegasus he wanted to speak with was unlikely to fall for the imposter's vile tricks. The faker was up to something sinister, and there was one former supermodel who hated (okay, greatly disliked) sinister, evil, negatively-connotative-word things.

He approached the cottage's door and prepared to knock, but the door swung open moments before he could follow through. Rainbow Dash stood in the doorway with her head turned to the pony inside. "Have a good one, Fluttershy! See ya tonight!"

"Bye, Rainbow Dash!" The quiet mare called back.

Rainbow turned on woozy hooves, which Spike wouldn't have expected from the agile athlete. Rainbow finally noticed the dragon and stared at him with slightly widened eyes. She clearly wasn't prepared to see him. "Uh, hey Spike! Gotta... go to work now. Uh... see ya!" Rainbow uneasily walked past Spike and flapped into the air with a wavy path. For some reason, Rainbow was having trouble flying straight. That much was confirmed when Rainbow's irregular flight pattern made her smack face-first into a flag pole.

As curious a sight as that was, Spike paid it no further heed. He was here to speak with the other, softer spoken pegasus. Fluttershy walked next to the door and smiled warmly down at Spike. "Hello Spike. Would you like to come in?"

"Sure, thanks!" Spike graciously replied. He walked in past Fluttershy, who closed the door and joined Spike in sitting around her living room.

"How have you been doing, Spike?" Fluttershy asked, beginning a conversation.

"Pretty good, I guess. How about you? Did that CMC sleepover give you any trouble?"

"Oh my, no. The girls were perfect angels, and Twilight helped so much!"

Crap, that didn't bode well for Spike's plan. Perhaps he could still manage, though it now seemed like a long shot. "How exactly did Twilight help, anyway? She didn't really talk about it when she got back."

Fluttershy smiled when she thought back to the events. "She was so nice. She brought food and games for us all to play together; we had so much fun!"

Oh yeah, definitely a long shot. Spike just hoped that a long shot didn't mean impossible. "That's good, but did anything strange happen with Twilight?"

"Do you mean the cockatrice? Oh no, is Twilight alright?" Fluttershy asked with increasing worry.

Spike didn't really know how to answer that. He honestly didn't know if Twilight was fine, but he knew the pony they spoke of wasn't really Twilight. "She's fine." He decided. "But doesn't her behavior strike you as a little odd?"

Fluttershy settled back into her seat with confusion. "Odd? No, she's been the same Twilight that she always was."

Spike knew that was wrong, but politely kept that sentiment to himself. "Hmm, and what if I told you that she was acting strange?"

Spike's latest query did little to aid Fluttershy's growing curiosity. "If Twilight is okay, then how is her behavior strange?"

"How long do you think Twilight had anger-management problems?" Spike asked.

Fluttershy gave it some thought. "Goodness, I don't know. I know that she's been very... irritable since I met her."

"Would you say she was violently irritable?"

"Well, she did yell at some fog..."

When the heck was this? Spike was sure seeing Twilight getting angry at fog would have been sure-fire proof of his claims. "And what if I told you that she wasn't always like that?"

"Do you mean she was more calm before she came to Ponyville?"

"Yeah. About the only thing that got her worked up was an assignment from the princess, and even then she was never violent. But now she's been getting into fights all over the place! It doesn't make any sense."

"Well, in her defense, she's been through a few things that have really agitated her."

"Twilight has been really agitated before, but never this bad." Spike said in denial. "She often got rant-y when she found scribbles in books she borrowed and she's never been in somepony's face about it." Spike looked up in thought. "Actually, Twilight has gotten a lot more casual about books lately. Just another thing that's weird about her."

"So are you worried about her new found aggression?" Fluttershy asked.

"Yeah, but that's not the half of it. Twilight has always been very knowledgeable and passionate about magic, but for a while, she hated magic more than I've seen her upset over anything. Adding to that is all these weird slip-ups she makes. You know she's called herself a boy a few times?"

Fluttershy shrank back nervously. "Um, so Twilight has been having gender issues?"

Spike raised a claw to object, but lowered it. "Actually, no. I think she knows exactly what gender she is. It's not just gender, though. Have you ever noticed how she never says 'everypony' or 'anypony'?" Fluttershy nodded. "And have you seen her spending a lot more time in her 'human' form?"

Fluttershy visibly relaxed. "I have noticed, and I'm happy for her."

Spike tilted his head in confusion. "You're not concerned at all?"

"Not really. Twilight is a smart pony, and I'm sure she knows what she's doing."

"But what if I told you Twilight wasn't really a pony?"

"Then I would still love her for who she is." Fluttershy answered sweetly.

Spike blanched in fear. He was counting on Fluttershy's fear of monsters to win her over. With that advantage gone, he needed a new tactic. "And what if I told you that Twilight has changed?"

"Oh, I've noticed that."

"You have?" Spike asked hopefully.

"Yes I have; Twilight has gotten a lot less intimidating and a lot more caring since I first met her." Fluttershy thought back to the Summer Sun Celebration and their encounter with the mountain dwelling dragon. "She's actually improved a lot since then."

Spike silently sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He knew where this was going; he could recognize a pattern. Fluttershy was a dead-end, which means that the imposter must have already persuaded her. "Okay, I just wanted to see if you noticed."

Fluttershy smiled proudly. "It's so nice of you to look out for Twilight like this. I'm sure she'd really appreciate you checking to see how her friends like her."

Yeah, that's what it was. Spike the dragon, just walkin' around and making sure that Twilight was fine. The problem with that was he didn't know where Twilight was, and the only method he had of getting help was being undermined at every turn. This clone was digging its horrid claws into Ponyville and was expanding its influence on its ponies every day. Spike could only hope that where ever Twilight was, she could hold out long enough for him to find somepony, anypony to help.

I was in the library basement all alone. It was just me, snacks, fizzy drinks, and a big load of divination textbooks for a wild night of study and practice. I left Spike with a few gemstones and told him that he was in charge for a bit, so I was going to have few interruptions as I worked on my project. It has been far too long since I made any progress towards finding Twilight, but tonight was going to change that. I resolved to find her by the break of dawn.

Now, that didn't necessarily mean I could fix everything over night. I would only be able to discern her location; bringing her back was another set of skills entirely. Discussions of conjuration could wait, for I had divinations to master.

I arranged my workspace with my magic. Workout benches and weights clattered across the room from the desk I recently moved into the depths. I sat in a comfortable swivel chair, laid out my research materials and snacks, and got to work.

A ball of light hovered above my reading form, perfectly illuminating every page I read, highlighting every swig of soda I took. I wish I could say that I breezed through each and every chapter I read, but that would be a vast over-simplification of what actually happened.

Each school of spells was like a different language when you got to the advanced stuff. Each school had its own alphabet of dweomers, a different grammatical structure, and unique methods of use. Since I was a transmutation specialist, that made transmutation the closest I had to an arcane version of English. The trouble here was that I was trying to learn a version of Latin that could allow me to see through space and time. Yeah, it doesn't sound that easy, does it?

The fortunate part of all this was that magic was magic, and the general principles of learning applied to every school. It was a only a matter of time and effort before I got the general idea of what I needed to do and start experimenting. I already lost track of time by that point since I didn't bring a clock with me, but the missing liter of soda told me it was at least a few hours. I guessed it was midnight.

I jury-rigged an experimental spell based off of a life-force detection spell and spliced in a few sequences to modify its effects to find specific people. That took about an hour or so. If I made it right, it would detect specific individuals by their spiritual essence, meaning the detection would find souls. With the spell written down and ready for casting, I decided upon my course of action. Like any good experiment, I needed an easy target for a control. I charged up the spell with Spike in mind.

The unleashed spell pulsed outwards in every direction. There was a pause where everything felt still for a brief moment, and then I felt an intangible force tug directly above me. Perfect, my spell functioned well. Just to be sure, I cast it again to find Pinkie Pie. Another pulse and another tug confirmed that my spell was in working order.

Next, I wanted to test for range. It was likely the real Twilight was on my world, and I had no idea how far away that would be. I decided to focus on someone a bit more familiar to me and an easier target for the spell: my former manager at the Wally Cart Supermarket. I unleashed the spell, and awaited its response.

Nothing.

That wasn't too much of a surprise, as I figured range would be the biggest issue. I rewrote the spell to include a few more range-enhancing sequences. They made the spell a bit harder to cast, but made long-range use more viable. I tested it again, and got a response. I felt the stronger tug of that fat bastard all the way from my basement study in Equestria, and for once, it didn't have to do with his own gravitational pull. Ha!

I tasted success already. With the spell calibrated to find Twilight no matter where she was, I cast it again, and eagerly awaited its response.

And I waited.

I paled. The spell wasn't working. Goddammit, the spell wasn't working! I cast it again.

Nothing.

I charged my horn to a greater degree, and let loose a more powerful burst.

Nothing still.

I looked all around above me, as if I could see where the spell was supposed to go. I wasn't finding her. But that couldn't be; I cast the spell correctly three times! I should have found her by now! What was the problem? Why couldn't my spell find Twilight? It should have found her soul somewhere!

Was she...?

No, she couldn't be. I shook my head with shaky breath, refusing to accept that possibility. Twilight had to be out there somewhere. I refused to believe that all my work was for nothing. I would find her; I just needed a better spell.

I scoured my books for the best spell they had, and so I found the Scrying spell. I pulled a hand mirror out of a desk drawer and committed the spell to short-term memory for immediate casting. I cast it quickly, using it to test its abilities and spy on my manager. I saw him trimming his nasty mustache in my mirror. I canceled the spell. Jokes about seeing traumatizing imagery could wait until I set myself at ease. I looked over the spell again, and recast into the mirror.

The image swirled and settled to reveal myself, staring intently into the mirror. I glared interrogatively. This raised more questions than answers. I tried casting it again, this time on someone I knew was d... dead. The image on the mirror swirled into a matte black.

For the first time in some time, I breathed with relief. It was good to see that Twilight is possibly not dead, but in a strange location. I cast the spell to find her again, and it brought up the image of myself once again.

The first spell I used couldn't detect Twilight for some reason, even though it should have adequate range to do so. The Scrying spell clearly shows myself, but the reason wasn't because of death. There was a glaring inconsistency here, but what was it? I examined my notes on the spell I crafted earlier. It stated that it pulsed outwards to find nearby life signatures of a specific designation. Reading over the notes for Scrying, it stated that it revealed the location of a specific creature within a reflective surface.

I compared and contrasted each extensively, intent on making zero mistakes. I had to be sure my assumption was correct. There was one phrase in my notes on the first spell that caught my attention: "pulses outwards". It was a curious addition, and it raised a possibility that I couldn't ignore. I prepared to cast the spell again.

Before, I focused my energies outward to find Twilight's body, but this time, I focused within myself. The energies flowed through my body, and I awaited the results.

I felt something shudder in my chest, below the heart and above the stomach.

I smiled with renewed hope. I found her. She was closer than I expected, but I've done it! This was a major step to restoring things to their natural order. I felt that I could restore Twilight to her rightful place soon.

I frowned with another thought. It was a strange thought, but it irked me all the same. I pulled up the page to the life detection spell and case it inwards with its unmodified sequences. Again, it picked up Twilight's life signature.

The life detection spell, before I modified to to find specific people, would indicate where everyone within its radius was located. The question that nagged on my mind was why there was only one signature; shouldn't I find two, one for both me and Twilight?

I pondered this for a while. What did that imply? Surely it didn't mean that I was Twilight all along. It was an absurd proposition. I knew who I was, for I had all my memories of other humans. I was human man, not a mare.

I shook my head of the thoughts. I'm sure it would be fine. It was just a matter of restoring Twilight to her body. I doubted that would be difficult.

When Sleep Deprivation Sets In, Party Hard

I emerged from the basement the next morning with light-deprived vision and a killer crash from excessive amounts of caffeine. None of that would be too bad if it weren't for the most annoying feature of the library's main room: its windows faced the rising sun.

Blinding rays of warmth and life tore through my vision like a samurai sword through butter, leaving me fumbling blindly to a nearby chair. I plopped heavily onto the seat and struggled to get my sight accustomed to the daylight. I swear, I'm never going to do another all-nighter again. So, considering the sun was just rising, I must have spent the past eighteen or so hours studying and double checking my divinations. While progress felt great, it wasn't helping me with my present state of fatigue.

Wait, is it fatigue or sickness? I assumed most of my sluggishness came from the soda, which would be sickness, but I also felt really sleepy from a lack of rest, which was fatigue. Maybe I had a detrimental mix of both.

Whatever the case was, my eyes were heavier than my weights, so I closed them and placed my head on one of the library's tables. Never before had a firm surface given me so much comfort. I swear my mane must have been a mess, but who could care about such frivolities when I could already feel myself drift away...

"Twilight?"

I opened my eyes, but didn't budge my head. Sometimes it sucks being a light sleeper. "Yeah?" I groggily asked whoever that was.

There were footsteps going down the stairs. I guessed it was Spike. "Did you just now come out of the basement?"

"Yeah." I said, closing my eyes again. My mouth hung open. A little bit of drool was pooling up and ready to trail down to the table. I didn't care.

I could practically hear Spike crossing his arms. "Huh. You didn't get any sleep, did you?"

"Nuh uh..."

Spike sighed with agitation. "And I guess that means I'm in charge of the library. Again."

That rattled about my brain a little bit. Spike spent all day yesterday acting as the head librarian while I sat in the basement chasing ghosts. Even with sleep at the forefront of my mind, I knew it would be unfair for Spike to do that two days in a row. I summoned my willpower and pushed myself up to a sitting position. I leaned my head in Spike's direction and let it sag to the side with him in my sight. "You know what? You deserve a break."

Spike raised his head in curiosity. "Huh?"

"Yeah." I said, forcing a tired smile. "You spent all day doing the combined work of two people. So I tell you what, you go outside and play or do whatever it is you wanna do; I got the library."

Spike didn't look very certain this was a good idea. "I dunno. What if somepony comes in here wanting a book?"

I waved his worry away. "Aw, that's not a problem. Everyone knocks before they come in anyway, so they'll wake me up between naps."

Spike still looked suspicious. "This seems awfully generous."

"That's the kind of guy I am." I said, pointing my hooves at him like the suave motherfucker I am. The shift in my weight, combined with the double fatigue-sugar crash, sent me toppling to the floor on my side. "Ugh... nighty-night. Have a good day~."

I think I dropped out of consciousness then.

I woke up with thoughts of cotton and clean bedsheets as I heard something pound on the door. I raised my head to check the time to find that only an hour had passed.

The pounding at the front door continued.

I took a moment to clear my head, sighed, and pushed myself up to the door. Whoever was at the door had better have a good reason to interrupt my nap. I opened the door, recoiling from the brightness of the outside world. "Guh, freakin' sun." I held a hoof over my eyes to keep the light out, so I could at least stop feeling that burning sensation. "Welcome to the library. Need something?"

"I would think your slogan could use some work, Twilight." A familiar regal voice said with amusement.

"Oh, is that you, princess? Wanna come in?"

"I'd be delighted."

I stepped aside to allow Celestia entry. As I went to close the door, I looked outside to the guards that took their usual spots flanking the doorway. "So do you guys want some juice or something?" No answer. They didn't even seem to acknowledge my question. "Soda? Mints? Chairs? Anything? No? Alright, then." I closed the door, finally giving up on talking to them.

I took a seat across the table from Celestia, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. Celestia took notice of this. "Late night?"

Thanks for the reminder princess, because now I had to yawn. "You could say that, but I worked through all of last night, so I guess it's more accurate to say I missed it."

Celestia frowned with concern. "Twilight, I've told you many times before that working all night isn't good for you."

"Relax, I was planning on resting all day today to compensate. 'Sides, it was totally worth it."

Celestia smiled familiarly, as if this was a regular occurrence that she found endearing. "So I usually hear. May I ask on what you were working?"

I looked up in thought. "Uh, something about oranges."

"Oranges?"

"Yeah, like why they get so fizzy in water, or something?."

Celestia looked me over in confusion. "I... see. And your findings?"

"I forgot."

A moment of silence for Celestia's wasted time. Admittedly, I didn't handle the lack of sleep very well. "How unusual. Perhaps you would like to discuss something more productive, like your anger management?"

I laughed. "Oh yeah, I made some progress with that."

"Really? Would you like to elaborate on your progress?"

I leaned back and smiled with misplaced pride. "Yeah, I got a new teacher."

"You... changed teachers?" I nodded. "And you didn't feel the need to ask my permission first?"

I chuckled. "Nah, I figured you wouldn't mind as long as I was trying to improve myself."

She hummed thoughtfully for a moment. "I suppose I don't mind, but I'm surprised by your initiative. So if you aren't learning from the Element of Kindness, then who are you learning from?"

I was about to answer, but I didn't have to. Thudding sounds with accompanying grunts fell down the library's chimney. Yes, the library had a fireplace. I had no idea why you would put something like that in a giant tree, but that's a question best saved for an architect. The source of the noise hit the floor of the fireplace and rolled out like a bowling ball, slamming into the table in a frizzy pink ball.

Shaking her head, for I recognized it as a pony, the eccentric pink pony looked up at our curious faces with the usual glee. "Hi Twilight, hi princess! It's a nice day, isn't it?"

I giggled at Pinkie's antics, as I didn't have the energy to resist its silliness. "Pinkie, you loon, why did you come through the chimney? I have a front door."

"Yeah, but guards don't like me for some reason." She hopped up to her hooves and stood as the third side to our little circle. She took one look at me, then Celestia. Her face lit up when she made eye contact with the princess. "Oh, I just remembered you never got any of the cakes we made you for your visit that one time!"

Celestia, despite the sudden intrusion and declarations, smiled understandingly. "It's okay, my little pony. You don't need to trouble yourself on my account."

Pinkie giggled. "Nah, it's no trouble at all! I'll just get one of the cakes I stashed in the kitchen!" Pinkie bounded past the kitchen door. The door barely even bounced on its hinges once before Pinkie emerged from the kitchen with a cart carrying a double-decker cake with rich white frosting. "Here we go: one 'making-up-for-lost-desserts' cake!"

Celestia stared ahead at the scene for before turning to me with her question. "Did she have that cake in your kitchen this whole time?"

I shrugged sleepily. "I didn't even know I had a dessert cart."

Pinkie wasted no time carting it over to us and holding out plates for us. Celestia looked up at the cake with indecision, an argument between self-control and desire bringing hesitation to the Equestrian monarch. Pinkie decided to be more convincing than either side. "It's buttercream frosting."

Without a second thought, Celestia's golden aura cut a sizable slice of cake with a knife, plopping the sugary morsel onto her plate.

Pinkie kindly gave me a slice of cake, for which I thanked her with a yawn. We each took bites of our cake, each bite being almost immorally tasty. Whether for my sleepiness or the delectable baked goods, each bite was physically stunning. It was so good.

Presumably because she's more used to indulgently rich desserts, Celestia managed to bring up a topic of conversation. "Your name is Pinkie Pie, correct?"

"Yep!" Pinkie answered with a mouthful of cake. She chewed merrily, almost as if she didn't care that she was in the presence of royalty.

Celestia calmly swallowed another bite. "You must be the Element of Laughter. Tell me, are you the one from which Twilight is learning to calm herself?"

Pinkie smiled wide. "Yep, again! You're really good at guessing games!"

Celestia accepted the compliment with a smile. "Thank you. Tell me, how did the two of you begin this new arrangement?"

"Well, it all started when Twilight and I met in town yesterday." Pinkie recalled. "Twilight mentioned her anger issues, so we decided to spend some quality time together in Sugarcube Corner's basement. Afterwards, we decided that we should spend even more quality time together!"

Celestia glanced between the two of us, and smiled impishly. "Quality time, you say?"

Pinkie seemed to catch on to whatever Celestia was talking about and smiled wider. "Yeah."

The two looked at me, wanting some kind of reaction from me. "Uhh, I don't know what you want from me."

"You two were alone. Together. In a dark room." Celestia said with implications I didn't quite get at the time.

"In a building filled with whipped cream!" Pinkie added.

"I don't get it." I said simply.

The two of them laughed at a joke I didn't hear. It became obviously clear that I was in no mental condition to hold a conversation with these two without some kind of chemical assistance. "Okay, I'm gonna need some coffee." I announced on my way to the kitchen.

Celestia sat in a strangely modest dining room for a castle. While one is likely to expect a grand chamber with an impossibly large table that could sit a hundred ponies comfortably adorned with fine silverware and settings, this one was merely just a room with a table. Nothing too fancy by the standards of royalty, but still of high-class quality. The oaken table shined with polish, two occupied chairs on opposite sides to face one another.

Celestia would have put forth more of an effort to eat the food before her, but she was lost in thought as she was for a few hours, gazing beyond the lone window in the room towards a rising moon on the horizon. The one pony that accompanied her this evening wasn't much for recognizing social cues, but even she could tell when something was on Celestia's mind. "You seem troubled."

Celestia absent mindedly spun her fork on the table with a bare hoof, taking a moment to meet the speaker's eyes. "I doubt 'troubled' is the word I would use, but I'll admit that I've become curious as of late."

"A question that the great Princess Celestia cannot answer? Oh no, what shall we do?"

Celestia shot the mare a smirk for the jab and shook her head. "Not panicking, for a start. I'm just pondering a few questions I have about my student."

"I see. So have you spoken to her about your questions?"

"I have, but the more I think about it, the less convincing her answers are." Upon seeing the confusion on her audience's face, she backed up her explanation. "My student, Twilight Sparkle, has been acting differently lately. She says that she's just being true to herself and that she's been using her friendship studies to do so. Her behavior was definitely a change of pace, but now it's starting to border on strange."

"Ponies change, don't they?"

"They do." Celestia acknowledged. "But what bothers me is how drastic the changes are."

"I fail to see what troubles you. Do you suspect something nefarious, or are you just upset to notice the changes she experiences?"

Celestia thought back to those previous encounters. "I suppose I'm worried that she's been passing me by. She's become so much more independent than I was expecting. I thought she would have been sending me more letters than she has, but so far she's only really been sending them when I start asking."

Celestia's listener tapped her chin in consideration. "Am I correct in assuming that your objection is how Twilight Sparkle is distancing herself from you?"

"It's not just that. I've never known Twilight do go against my word or live her life so loosely. It would seem Twilight has disregarded some of her own inhibitions, not to mention that she's been exercising."

"Hmm, then if your student has changed so drastically, why aren't you investigating?"

Celestia sheepishly lowered her eyes to her peas. "Because I do not know if her changes are drastic enough to warrant further prodding."

The dark blue pony looked questioningly at her companion. "But Twilight Sparkle is your student; surely you would know her well enough to make such a judgement."

"You would think so, but honestly, we only met each other on occasion. We would gather every month or so, but mostly kept our discussions to letters." Celestia recalled. "Twilight's studies kept her within the school most days. Really, it was more of a scholarship than mentoring."

"I see. But she is still acting familiarly, yes?"

"I suppose. She admitted to spending all last night reading and studying, which I've known her to do. She's every bit a mage as I remember and she still listens to my advice and lessons, but she's been handling them in a new way. She still seems like Twilight, but something about her is just wrong." Celestia sighed and looked up to her audience. "This will just bother me until I can get some answers. I hesitate to ask, but can I ask you to check on Twilight? You've always been better at gathering information than I have."

The dark blue pony smiled with kindness in her turquoise eyes. "Of course, sister."

Author's Note

Cut Content:

:facehoof: : Okay, I'm gonna need some coffee.

:pinkiegasp: : Wait, I have something better than coffee!

:twilightsheepish: : You do? I'd like some if you got it.

:pinkiehappy: : Here you go! [Throws Gummy onto Twiliclone's face]

:twilightoops: : AAAUUUUGGG-

Who Needs Sleep, Anyway?

I held the reins in my hands, rocking slightly from the movement of my trusty steed. Together, we ventured down the sparse morning streets of the city. My beast of burden carried me without complaint or difficulty for he was a powerful creature, capable of many feats of strength and agility that others could not. We were the best of friends.

Did I mention that I was riding a giant spider? Because I was, and it was fucking sweet.

My tarantula mount, Manny, was the coolest. Being one of the few giant spiders tamed for public use, he kept those annoying pork bun salesmen from harassing me on my way to work. Fine by me, most of the pork buns on this road were expired last month. Those guys trying to sell watches were cowering as well. I loved my spider buddy.

I whipped out my smartphone and checked the time. Damn, I was twelve hours late for work! Oh well, I sure hope they don't mind a few minutes more. Maybe I could stop for a quick ice cream bar?

A rift opened in space ahead of me just off to the side. Out stepped a dark blue alicorn with a starry blue mane billowing in the wind and a black necklace around her neck. Her hooves were covered by glittering shoes that couldn't decide if they wanted to be blue or silver. She closed the rift behind her and raised a hoof for my attention as Manny and I passed her by without so much a glance.

The pony didn't quite understand why we ignored her sudden appearance, so she hovered after me, settling next to me. "Excuse me Twilight Sparkle, but did you not see us there?"

I shot her an incredulous glance. "Are you serious? You new here or something? This is Tokyo; people are vying for my attention all the time."

"Is that why you ride monstrous vermin?"

Manny stopped, turned to the hovering pony, and hissed. I patted his head to soothe him. "Easy, boy. She doesn't know any better." We resumed on our way, and so I turned my head to face her. "Look, Manny is a bit cranky when people accuse him of being a common pest, so please avoid insulting him or he'll be least of your worries."

This new arrival wasn't impressed by my little threat, but she pressed on. "We'll be sure to keep that in mind. So is there a reason you avoid attention from those around you?"

"Yeah, because all these people are self-important dicks!" I pointed at the guy ahead of me riding a bike. "You see that dick wearing the yellow raincoat and matching trilby? He spends all morning every morning talking on his wrist communicator. He has the only wrist mounted cellphone in the world, and he uses it to call his friends to talk about drugs! I hate that guy!"

"Indeed." The pony looked around at the surrounding buildings, no doubt noting all the stores with neon signs. "This is a strange place."

I looked to my left to see a man wearing a balaclava prying open a vending machine with a crowbar. Funny, I could have sworn the panties machines were discontinued a long time ago. "Yeah, it's been getting there."

"So what is it you are trying to accomplish?" The pony asked.

"I'm going to work."

"And what is it you do at work?"

I easily answered the question without a thought. "I push buttons until I get money."

She looked at me incredulously. "Just pushing buttons?"

"Yep."

She apparently didn't know what to make of my answers. She was quiet for a moment, but this city hates it when things get quiet. A loud thud shook the ground. A roar from a giant beast pierced our ears, and we shot our gazes to the source. A spiny reptilian monster was glaring at anonymous buildings in the skyline, clearly intent on spreading widespread damage. It looked at one building in particular and punched through it.

The pony hovering beside me gasped at the beast. "A nightmare creature! Thy dreams art plagued!"

"Relax Elizabeth, it's just Godzilla attacking the city. Again." I said with a roll of my eyes.

"So this nightmare is common!" The pony floated up with her horn flaring with navy blue magic. "Begone, vile fiend! Curse this pony's dreams no longer!" Her magic aura swirled up to the King of Monsters, and enveloped him.

In retaliation, he threw a building at her.

The pony was smashed into the street by the building shattering on the ground. I took this all in with the usual stride. "Aw come on, that was my office! At least tell me my Dilbert strip is alright!"

The pony climbed out from the rubble, covered in dust and shaken by attack. "Great Tartarus! Our magic had no effect!"

"Don't worry about it. He'll either get bored from fighting the military for the fifteenth time this month, or he'll get beaten back by a giant moth. We don't gotta do shit."

Not paying attention to my assurances, the pony babbled frantically. "That's impossible! Nothing in the dream world is immune to my magic!"

"Uh, dream world?" Now that I started thinking about it, things were starting to make sense.

"I don't understand! Under normal circumstances, I am able to face any nightmare!"

It was rather silly of me to be going to work twelve hours after I was supposed to clock in. I'd never do that. Actually, I was pretty sure I wasn't actually living in Tokyo.

"Unless... the circumstances aren't normal!"

Wasn't I still in Equestria? I think I was. Yeah, none of this makes sense!

"But if that's the case, then what is it that changes things?"

None of this makes sense, unless this is all a conjuration of my own mind. I sat up straight and proclaimed my conclusion. "I'm in a dream!" I was only aware of my surroundings for a moment longer with the pony spinning towards me and reaching out for me.

I opened my eyes and found myself lying with the side of my head buried in my pillow. Spike was snoring softly. It was the dead of night as I could see from out the window.

That was a weird dream, even by the standards of dreams. Oh well, I was still really sleepy, and I didn't really feel like pondering over it. I pulled the covers up to my face and closed my eyes for round two in dreamland.

A sudden bright light was bleeding through my eyelids. Curiously, I opened my eyes to see what was keeping me from sleep this time. The light came from outside, and it seemed to belong to a white streaking meteor. Funny, it was coming right for me...

I shot up out of bed and stared in horror at the incoming missile. "Oh shit, meteor!" I cried.

Spike groaned in his basket. "No Twi, I don't wanna watch the meteor shower right now."

I shot him a look, but turned my attention back to the meteor. "Man, we are so gonna die."

If what I knew about meteors was correct, then running was out of the question. As fast as that thing was moving towards us, we didn't have the time to run away. That thing would hit the ground with the force of a bombshell, and we'd get caught in that explosion. I only had one chance: jury-rig a shield spell powerful enough to protect us from annihilation.

I cast the spell the best I could, considering I didn't study any of this stuff for a while. A wavy purple dome surrounded the two of us, and I braced myself for impact.

What I assumed to be space rock crashed through the window, shattering both the glass and a fair portion of the wall. Debris flew into my shield, deflected harmlessly away. The meteor itself suddenly stopped and stabilized into a glowing hover. Its brightness burned my eyes, so I couldn't make out any of its details. Figures the first chunk of rock from space that wants to kill me turned out to be an alien. It elected to air its grievances before hitting me.

"Twilight Sparkle! Have no fear, for we have arrived in thy time of need!" The voice boomed and rattled the contents of my head.

The light died down to an acceptable level so I could finally get a good look at my alien. Only it wasn't an alien; it was the pony from my dream. "That's funny, you were in a dream I had."

"Now is not the time for jokes, Twilight Sparkle! Thou art troubled by the forces of chaos!" She declared. She touched down and approached me demandingly. "Tell us the cause of thy nightmares so that we may help thee!"

Spike sat up in his basket and blearily rubbed his eyes. "What's with all the yelling? It's barely midnight!"

The navy blue pony looked over to Spike. "Oh, a baby dragon. How adorable!" She bared her fiercest gaze upon me. "Proceed with haste! The longer we tarry, the stronger thy foe becomes!"

I leaned back and pressed my hooves to my ringing ears. "God-damn, you are loud. Do you think you could cool it with the Dragon Shouts? My hearing was just fine until now!"

"Shouting this loud is customary when speaking with the commoners!"

I grimaced from the volume of her shouting. My ears were now sore. "Then your customs suck! Lower your volume so I don't go deaf in the next twenty minutes!"

The pony looked down in embarrassment for a brief moment before raising her gaze once more. "We cannot; 'tis a reflex!"

Fucking hell, this was going to be a long night. I debated whether it would be too rude of me to search for some noise-cancelling headphones in the basement. "Then make a conscious effort to speak normally!"

A voice from outside interrupted our moment. "Hey, quiet down! We're trying to sleep!"

I groaned. As if it wasn't bad enough that this girl was intruding upon my slumber, now I had to deal with my neighbors yelling at me. "Hold on." I told the pony as I went to the hole in my wall. I leaned out and glared into the darkened Ponyville streets. "We're having a little trouble with that! Give me a minute!"

"Just do it; it's not that hard to be quiet!"

"I'm working on it!"

"Am I stuttering? Just shut up!"

"I'm trying, but I'm yelling at you!"

A third pony from outside joined in on the yelling. "Hey, both of you shut up! It's the middle of the night!"

"Oh really? I thought it was the middle of the day, idiot!" The first voice yelled sarcastically.

"I was on your side!" The second voice griped.

"Hey!" Yelled yet another voice. "Everyone shut up!"

"Fine!" The rest of us yelled.

I turned back to the pony in my room, who regarded my neighborly interactions curiously. "Alright, let's go to the basement. I got it sound-proofed." She opened her mouth to say or ask something, but I rushed forward and held her mouth shut. "Let's not start this again until we're out of earshot from my cranky neighbors."

"You don't want me to come with you, do you?" Spike asked, still not having left his basket.

I waved him off. "Nah, you just get some sleep. I can take care of this on my own."

Spike shrugged and lied back into his basket. Good for him, getting more sleep like that. I might have only gotten five hours of sleep in the last forty eight, but I'm sure those extra couple of hours are more important for a drake his age.

I trudged my way to the basement with the alicorn in tow. I closed the door, which locked all out-going noises in this room. Useful for listening to Minotaur Battle Metal while you work out, but equally handy when coaching a pony into not sounding like a troubadour with a megaphone. "Alright, let's try talking again, but this time, don't yell."

"Very well!" She boomed, yelling with enough force to embed me into the opposite wall.

I pried myself from my me-shaped crater. "Okay see, that's what we're trying not to do. Try speaking quieter."

"Like... this?" She yelled, a little quieter.

"Better, but try a little more."

"Is... this good?"

I raised a hoof, trying to give a thumbs-up. I failed. "There we go. Now you don't sound like an old-English general with a sound system. So, what was it you were trying to say earlier?"

The pony cleared her throat. "Yes, we have come to quell the source of your night-terrors!"

I raised an eyebrow. Not necessarily because she was claiming my dreams were supernaturally afflicted, but because she just stopped talking in old English. Come to think of it, she was acting about the same as she was in my dream. Perhaps she only regressed like that when she gets excited? Still, it was best to address her concerns. "Uh, I don't think you quite realize how dreams work. Nightmares don't have a concrete cause in most cases, because dreams are merely vivid hallucinations caused by rapid eye movement in one's sleep."

She gaped at me. "Our word, has knowledge over dreams regressed in our absence that such ignorance over the dreamworld is common?"

I narrowed my eyes at her vague insult. "Yeah, who knew advancements in science would lead to advancing knowledge over our sleep cycles?"

"You just spouted nonsense, Twilight Sparkle!" She accused. "Dreams are the conjuration of a creative mind! Entire worlds are molded by the will of the magically-adept! You may not have been learning about it from your tutelage under my sister, but dreams are magic realms!"

"Sister? Lady, I don't know who you're talking about, but if she spent any time at all on studying sleep, she would know that dreams are just bored brains taking a shit."

She gasped. "This is most unbelievable! We had hoped that Celestia taught her 'most faithful student' at least a smidgen of how dreams work! Now those ignorant to the ways of the arcane have spoiled thy mind with falsehood!" She paused. "Also, she could have stood to clean out her student's mouth with soap every once in a while."

"Wait..." I looked at my company closely. I thought she looked a little familiar, but she seemed so different from when I saw her last. I smiled now that I realized who I was talking to this whole time. "... Luna? Oh hey, it's been a while! I haven't seen you since you chucked my unlucky ass into a crumbling ceiling!"

Princess Luna, as I now recognized her, lowered her head. "Yes, twas a while."

"Hey, don't worry about it! It hurt at the time, but it's pretty cool in retrospect!" I levitated the bottle of soda I left at my desk. I sat it before me, and poured a glass for myself. I looked around for another cup, but all I had left were some Styrofoam cups that we bought for some reason. I offered Luna a cup as well. "I didn't recognize you. I like what you did with your mane."

She accepted the cup of soda and looked over to her flowing mane. "Yes, it began flowing again once we regained our magic."

"Yeah, that's super." I took a sip of my drink. Crap, it was warm. "Anyway, dreams aren't as important as you'd think. Believe me, I've tried to analyze my dreams, but every book I've read on the subject was contradictory. Even if they weren't, each book was completely incorrect. Besides, what gave you the impression that I suffered from nightmares?"

Luna took a sip from her cup and savored it curiously. "Hm, a tasty and strong beverage. Modern alcohol certainly tastes better than it once did."

"Actually, that's just soda. It's not alcohol."

"Truly? We should have figured, as it didn't have that familiar burn." She took another sip, regardless of how impossible it was to get wasted on it. "As we were saying, we knew about your nightmare because we visited your dream."

I stared in disbelief. "You visited my dream? I don't believe that."

"You were in Tokyo when 'Godzilla' threw your office building at us."

I was still in disbelief, but now for a different reason. "Okay, that's freaky."

"Indeed. Now, do you know the reason for your recurring nightmare of monster attacks?" She asked.

I shook my head slowly. "It's not really a nightmare, nor is it recurring. That was just one of those random things that happens in dreams."

"Dreams are not random, Twilight Sparkle. They parallel reality but reflect the fears and hopes of the dreamer. It is the one place one cannot hide from their insecurities and must confront them."

Whoa, that sounded like a badass mythology. Going to sleep with some acrophobia? BAM! Skydiving dream, asshole.

Wait, badass isn't the right word. I meant hilarious.

"My dreams have never made any sense." I countered.

"So we've come to realize. We've wondered why our magic is useless against the creatures in your mind, for we've never failed in such a task before."

"So what did you conclude? Am I the chosen one, or something?"

"Of a sort." Luna took a moment to ponder her response. "Your mind was turbulent. Finding our way into your dreams was a difficult task in itself, for the portal to your mind wouldn't present itself like for most ponies. Even once we've found our way within, the landscape of your dream was wild; details would change before our eyes. Take for instance your friend, Manny. What kind of spider was it?"

"Tarantula...?"

"Yes, but we also would have accepted brown recluse or black widow."

I frowned. "No, I clearly remember that it was a tarantula."

Luna's face was impassive. "Perhaps it was because you were distracted by your conversation with us or the sudden attack of this 'Godzilla' creature, but the spider was changing underneath you."

"Okay, so my dreams are wildly inconsistent. Weird as that is, what does that tell you?"

"It means that your mind is different from that of the average pony." She leaned forward gravely. "Your mind is a font of chaos."

I sucked in a shocked breath. "Ooh, that doesn't sound good. Should I be worried?"

Luna blinked. "Why wouldn't you be?"

"Well, it's not like I've been messing with dark powers or anything, and I've been dealing with it well enough. Are you sure this is something to worry about?"

Luna blinked again. "How long have you been like this?"

"Uh... my entire life, I guess."

Luna looked more shocked about that than I imagined. "You've been living in chaos your entire life!? How could you cope?"

"Er... when I have a nightmare, I shrug it off and go back to sleep?"

Luna's brow straightened in disbelief. "It cannot be that simple. One doesn't just just 'shrug off' a nightmare!"

"Well, you can if you're not a pussy."

Luna glared down at me. "You ridicule the plight of many whose dreams are plagued by their fears."

I shrugged unapologetically. "They're just dreams."

Luna rubbed her forehead in annoyance. "Anyway, you are a special case. Most ponies have some kind of control over their dreams at even a subconscious level. It seems your dreams have a mind of their own. Sometimes you will have normal dreams, and other times will be nightmares, like the one you just experienced."

"That wasn't a nightmare." I corrected.

"How could that not be a nightmare?" Luna asked.

"I wasn't scared or anything. After all, I wasn't the one being attacked."

Luna's eye twitched, likely because she was the one being attacked in my stead. "Of course. While you may have such problems on occasion, you seem to be content with it."

"So I'm good?"

"Yes, you're good."

I let out a relieved breath. "Oh, good. I wasn't up to dealing with any personal problems, anyway."

Luna sighed. "Yes, but we're afraid we've wasted a trip. Since you aren't dealing with nightmare creatures come to life as we had feared, we find ourselves in Ponyville with nothing to do."

"Ah, that sucks." I sympathized. "So what do you plan on doing now that your plans are finished?"

"We are likely going to return to Canterlot and study a little more history." Luna said.

"Aw, that's boring. If I were you, I'd take this as an opportunity to slack off and do something fun for an hour or two."

"Really? And what is 'fun'?" Luna asked.

I balked. "You don't know what fun is? What, was it not invented back in the Crap Ages?"

"We suppose not." Luna answered cautiously.

I shook my head in disbelief. "Unbelievable. It's no wonder why old-timey things suck."

"Twilight? What is 'fun'?"

"I'd give you a definition, but book-learning is the exact opposite of fun. It'd be easier just to show you."

"And how do you propose to do that?"

I gave her a sly smile. "I'm sure you're a fan of the night life, right princess?"

"Wrong, we are the night!" She declared.

I rolled my eyes mirthfully. "You're right, my mistake. Regardless, you have an affinity for night-time activity. It just so happens that I know of something that you don't."

"Do tell."

"Let me give you a riddle: What's a happening place where the young ponies like to dance, drink, and laugh?"

Luna thought about it, but shook her head in defeat. "We aren't sure. What place is that?"

I chuckled in anticipation. "Come on, we're gonna have a night on the town."

I beckoned her with a wave of my head. We left the basement where I went to get some bits while Luna waited for me. I went upstairs for my saddlebags and noticed there was still a hole in my wall. I could fix that later. What mattered to me at the time was the princess who needed a quick injection of joviality. I gathered my bits and left the library with Luna and half-remembered directions to the night-club. If only I could remember where Pone Way was...

"Admit it, Twilight; we are lost."

"For the last time, Luna, we are not!"

With only the glow of a conjured orb of light, the night princess and I were trying to navigate the streets of Ponyville. Do you realize how much harder it is to find your way at night? Everything seems so unfamiliar in the darkness and reading street signs was tedious. Having to walk right up to them and read them up close; it sucks. My lack of planning was getting on our collective nerves.

"Enough of these idle excuses! Let us ask for directions!"

My manly pride wouldn't stand for that, so I glared up at her. "We are not asking for directions."

Luna returned my glare with double the annoyed irritation. "And why not? We have been at this for what feels like moons! Admit that you are without direction!"

I bared my teeth with frustration. "You want direction? Fine!" I cast a minor divination spell, summoning a spectral compass that showed us the cardinal directions. "There, how's that for no direction?"

Luna raised an inquisitive brow at the spell. "And this will take us to our destination?"

"Pfft, no. It's just a compass."

"Then why did you cast it?"

"Because now I know which way is north; you can no longer say I have no direction!"

Luna narrowed her eyes. "We were referring to how we can find our chosen place of 'fun'!"

"You didn't say anything about that."

"'Twas implied!"

I ground my teeth and rubbed my temple. "You know what, let's just go back to the library. We'll reference an atlas."

"Finally, what one could consider sound judgement. Now how do you propose we find our way back through this twisting maze of streets?"

"We were traveling west, so we just need to follow the streets back to the east until we find Queasy Circuit." Luna looked surprised at my knowledge, to which I smiled smugly. "Looks like my compass did something after all."

Luna gave the compass a dirty look. "Of course it did."

With a slight chuckle on my part, we turned back down the way we came. We trudged down some streets we didn't use earlier in the hopes that they would be faster than our original, winding path. We weren't feeling too hot anymore on account of my poor planning skills, but I was adamant that we would find our way there.

At least I was until we cut through one particular road and I spotted something incredible. I stopped and stared in awe at a building with a glowing sign with words that shut down my critical faculties with pure joy. I lost my breath and sense of balance at the visage of such a beautiful and wondrous sight. I walked thoughtlessly closer to the establishment and smiled greatly at the words upon its window:

Joy Stick's Arcade: Open 24/7!

I opened my mouth, but the only sound that emerged was a tiny squeal of happiness.

Luna shook me from the side. "Twilight! Are you alright? You've been standing there for three minutes."

I turned to her with the same static look of joy plastered on my face. "There's an arcade in Ponyville."

Luna looked up at the building in bemusement. "Truly? We didn't take you for a mare of the fine arts. It is strange that this particular arcade has so few arches, however."

"No, not that kind of arcade; the modern kind!" I threw my hooves up the air in cheer. "I get to play video games again!" I ran inside immediately. I suppose Luna came in after me after a moment of reflection.

I looked around the inside of the arcade with unrestrained excitement. I trotted in place ecstatically, eager beyond reckoning to play something. I had so many options. There were pinball machines in the corner, adventurous beat-em-ups lining a wall, platformers, claw games, prize wheels, skee-ball, a dancing game; everything a guy like me could ever hope for.

That's it, I wasn't leaving this place. Not for a long time. "I'm home."

I spied the counter to the side advertising beverages and snacks. Knowing from experience that there was nothing like a cold soda and a gaming marathon, I strutted up to the blue stallion lazily operating the cash register. Luna followed beside me, as she was unsure of what to do with these machines.

I looked up at the menu on the wall, browsing their selection of sodas and food. "I'll get a Grape Crash." I looked back to Luna. "You want something?"

"No, thank you."

I nodded and looked back to the stallion only to notice that he was staring, shocked, to see Luna. "A-aren't you Princess Celestia's sister?"

"Yes, we are Princess Luna, the true Princess of the Night!" She proclaimed royally.

"Y-your highness!" He stammered, dropping into a bow. Unfortunately, he slammed face first into the counter. He took a step back and completed his bow. "It is an honor!"

While Luna was unmoved by the display of allegiance, I was getting a little impatient. "Yeah yeah, she's a great royal figure. Praise the moon and all that jazz. So, can I get a soda?"

The stallion nervously stood at attention. "U-um, would you like something to drink, your highness?" He completely ignored me in favor of our royal visitor.

"Neigh, we shall be content for the time being." Luna looked around the room, noting how empty it was. "Tell me, clerk, why is this establishment open all night? Surely management could save on operating costs if they were only open in the day, considering such a business is unlikely to generate much traffic in the dead of night."

Despite my building frustration at the delays in getting my beverage, I perked up. Now that I thought about it, why would an arcade be open 24/7? It just seemed so convenient at the time, that I didn't even bother to question it.

The stallion blushed slightly, as if his answer was something embarrassing. "Er, well, we get plenty of customers playing the games we keep in the back..."

I didn't quite catch what he meant. All I deciphered was that there were mature video games in the back of the arcade. I brightened considerably. "Ooh, even better!" I turned to Luna with excitement. "You know what kind of secret games they keep in the back, right?"

"We are not sure. What kind?"

"The good stuff!" My face twisted into a slightly manic smile of anticipation. "Games with excessive violence and gore! Dismemberment, blood sprays, offensive language; mature video games are the pinnacle of the genre!"

The stallion softly scoffed. "Sure, that's what's back there."

Luna raised an eyebrow at my demeanor. "We find your taste for brutal imagery disturbing. Are you sure these video games aren't tainting your mind?"

"Pfft! Naw, that's just a myth being spread by pussies to take away our fun."

"Hm." Was all she said about that. "Very well, we would like to partake in these video games."

"Awesome!"

I finally got my soda from the stallion and we went through a narrow hall that ended with a door. There was a sign on the door saying "Adults Only: 18+". This was the portal to the world of the best games available in Equestria. With my soda held in my magic, I pushed the door open with a free hoof and beheld the gaming delights beyond.

I was sorely mistaken.

There were plenty of customers in this back room, so there was no shortage of (mostly) stallions playing the numerous arcade cabinets depicting mature content. The odd part was the lecherous stares and voyeuristic grins most of the occupied gamers had. This was likely because of the games they were playing, which were not the kill-happy gore fests that I was expecting. Rather, they were all more akin to the game featured on the big screen in the center of the room. It was displaying a moaning mare, posing provocatively in her full pixelated glory.

I gaped in terror at the eye-searing horrors to befall my sight. My magic involuntarily cut out. I reflexively caught my soda in my hoof before it hit the floor.

Luna stepped up next to me and looked up at the screen displaying the mare. Luna wasn't quite as shocked as I was. "Ha ha! She is faking it!"

I shut the door and placed my back on it, as if I could keep my memories safely locked within. It was unfortunate that memory didn't work that way. "Uh, maybe we should stick to the kids' stuff."

"Are you sure? We found that Backdoor Heat game to be very interesting to view." Luna asked.

"Yeah, I'm sure!" I answered more quickly and loudly than I probably intended.

Luna shrugged off my reaction, and we settled on playing the tame stuff. Perhaps with a little distracting, both Luna and I could forget this harrowing experience in Equestrian culture.

Spike stretched and yawned as the morning sun reached his eyes. The sounds of the morning were crystal clear: birds chirping, minor chatter of Ponyville citizens...

Actually, now that he paid closer attention to the sounds, they were louder than they usually were. He sat up and peered towards the balcony. Odd, why was there a whole chunk of the wall missing? He looked up at the bed, noting that Twilight was gone. The bed wasn't made again.

Spike vaguely recalled something happening last night, but nothing about it was too clear. Something about yelling and meat...

Spike's stomach growled at the thought of food. He figured that Twilight was in the kitchen and making breakfast, as usual. He could go for a few pancakes at the moment. He climbed out of the basket with the expectation of finding cooking food in the kitchen.

He was disappointed to find nothing of the sort. Everything was as neatly put away as ever. Twilight was nowhere to be seen, which was even more unusual.

Before he could think about it too hard, his stomach reminded him of the breakfast he could be having. With a sigh, he took out a pan and some instant pancake mix. He got to work heating the oven.

He looked around the library one more time, seeing nothing out of place. Where did Twilight go? She didn't usually vanish like this...

It was a quiet morning for Spike. No Twilight meant no token conversation to fill the empty air. He wasn't sure if that was preferable to being in the same room as her, so he opted to enjoy it the best that he could. He made his own pancakes and scarfed them down with a side of garnet and milk. He went through the morning as usual; checking the log for any overdue books, replacing returned books, and passing the time with his bouncy ball because the new issue of Ultra Pony Force wasn't out for another few days.

Then something blue and prismatic crashed through the living room window in a shower of shattered glass. Spike jumped in fright, then ran over to investigate. He found a very familiar pegasus shaking her rattled head.

Rainbow Dash hopped up to hover above the pile of broken glass. "That wasn't me; it was gust of wind!"

Spike was momentarily torn between joking with her and letting it drop. He decided on the latter. "Hey Rainbow Dash! What's up?"

Rainbow looked a little relieved that there wasn't any joking to be made, but she came here for a reason. "I came by to see if Twilight was here. I thought she was over at the arcade, but I also didn't think that was right. She's here, isn't she?"

Spike shook his head. "No, I haven't seen her all morning. What makes you think she'd be at the arcade, anyway?"

"Well, there are some rumors going around right now that there's a human playing games with Princess Luna at Joy Stick's place, and Twilight turns into the only human I know of."

Spike scratched his head in wonderment. "That's weird, why would Twilight be at the arcade? I thought she was more interested in reading than video games."

"I dunno. Wanna check it out?" She asked.

Spike looked over the library. Eh, he was sure that the library could stand being closed for a little while. "Sure."

They made quick work of their trip to the arcade. It wasn't that difficult to find; all they had to do was stop at the building with a line of ponies coming out the doors and a happy stallion on the rooftop merrily cheering about rising profits. They pushed their way through some of the ponies that they assumed were paying customers. When they got to the front, they realized that many were actually spectators. Spike could definitely see why.

I sipped at my soda one more time, eagerly trying to drain some more of the stimulating beverage to power my failing mind. It was too bad that it was more ice than soda by this point, but I needed some kind of kick. With a little down-time between levels, I took this opportunity to peel off the top of my drink with my hands and poured ice into my mouth. I swished the sub zero bricks around, glaring with determination as the cut-scene for the game played.

Famous Power Ponies villain, the Mane-iac, appeared on the screen and taunted us. "I see you've come this far!" She said in the form of text. "But my Devastation Shampoo Flood is the least of your concerns! You'll 'mane-ly' meet your end to me!" Digitized laughter haunted us, and the screen faded to black.

"This is it, Sparkle. Are you ready for the destruction of our ultimate foe?" Luna asked, clearly eager to beat the final boss as much as me.

"Oh yeah." I replied. "Let's show this ugly bitch how spacious the pound-ass penitentiary is!"

"We have no idea what that means, but let us do just that!" Luna declared.

The screen faded in to an open roof-top fighting arena. My avatar, Masked Matterhorn, flashed her horn in preparation for the appearance of the boss. Luna's chosen hero, Radiance, readjusted her magic bracelet. In the background, green hair whips grasped the arena. As menacing as possible for a character who constantly laughs, Mane-iac loomed into the arena and laughed. Our final battle had begun.

Now, I knew enough about Matterhorn to know that she couldn't fight. She tried a lot in the comics, but she'd always get beat down if she had to use her hooves. That's why I opened every battle, like this one, with a long range energy bolt. It slammed into our enemy with only a sliver taken off her health bar.

"Looks like we're in for the long haul." I noted.

Then Mane-iac bounded right back up and slapped me without warning, depleting the remainder of my health. Matterhorn blinked off the screen.

"Well damn, that was sudden!" I dug into my saddlebags for some more bits, and realized how few there were. I popped a coin into the machine just as Luna's character rammed into Mane-iac with a shield. "We've only got one bit left, Luna. Make it count!"

"Easy, we have her cornered!" Luna proclaimed. She tried to do the common fighting game tactic of trapping an opponent into the corner and spamming light attacks to stun-lock.

The problem with her strategy was that Mane-iac, like most of the bosses, had a few invulnerability frames to prevent such a cheap ploy. So Mane-iac utilized those few frames and chucked her across the screen. It wouldn't have been so bad if it didn't do so much damage.

I saw Luna gape in the corner of my vision. "Great Tartarus! She makes for a deadly opponent!"

"I'll get her!" I shot a purple bolt of energy at Mane-iac, but my shot was too late. Mane-iac already leaped across the battlefield and landed right behind me, smacking me again. "Damn, she's faster than Shadowmane!"

"Trickier, certainly." Luna conceded, making a ranged attack of her own. A dodgeball shot across the screen and slammed into Mane-iac.

We fought back and forth like that for a while, but Mane-iac was constantly on the move, and usually out of our way.

"Jeez, can she sit still for one freaking moment?" I growled.

One of Mane-iac's attacks brought down Radiance, defeating her.

"Darn!" Luna reflexively protested. She floated a bit into the machine and respawned. "Out of bits!"

Mane-iac was difficult. We lost two lives to her and we didn't even take off an eighth of her double-layered health meter. Things weren't looking good for the forces of justice. We tried to rush her again, but she jumped around some more and smacked me into the middle of last week.

While I got my ass kicked, Luna was bringing the pain. I don't know how she did it, but she could actually get some offense. Maybe my favorite Power Pony should be someone who isn't useless.

For a while, our battle with Mane-iac became a particularly cheesy ninja movie, where every move was preceded and punctuated with somersaults. It worked for a while, until Mane-iac's health went critical and she moved even faster than before.

Her movements now seemed like she pounded down a six-pack of energy drinks. She targeted me in particular, like she has been. All I could do at that point was take it full in the ass and hope I survived. I died pretty quickly, leaving Luna controlling a lone Radiance into battle.

"Arrgh!" I threw my arms up in frustration. No matter, we still had a chance with Luna in the fight. "It's up to you now. I believe in you!"

Luna nodded her affirmation and hit Mane-iac with a jump attack. Mane-iac attacked and forced Luna back. Mane-iac hopped around the screen and unleashed a few attacks here and there, which Luna dodged, but she was unable to fight back. I bit my nails nervously. At this rate, Luna would get beaten soon.

She lucked out. Luna found a nice little exploit in Mane-iac's broken A.I. where she would stop attacking if she missed a certain number of attacks. Once Luna fighured this out, she unleashed a shock and awe campaign on her face! It didn't seem fair until Mane-iac started working again to repeat the process.

I compared the two health bars on the screen. Luna could only take one more hit, and Mane-iac still had a quarter of her health left. But considering how lucky Luna was so far, she might actually win this!

The fight continued with Luna jumping and dodging attacks like the floor was made of lava, until the Mane-iac froze again. Luna took advantage of the openings every time, smacking Mane-iac around like she owed her money. Mane-iac's health ticked down further and further until it was do or die. Each combatant could only take one more hit. I was on the edge of my stool, intently absorbing every pixel I could see.

Luna jumped and dodged more attacks, but she made a mistake. She was somersaulting back and forth before, but she accidentally jumped straight up. She landed earlier than usual and took a tentacle hair slap to the face. Radiance fell back and thudded against the roof, blinking out of existence.

Luna and I stared in shock at the screen. The continue message appeared, giving us to the count of twenty to resume our journey. But we ran out of bits. Our reaction was what one would expect from a failed quest that lasted four hours. Simultaneously, we both went "NOOOO!"

"We had her!" Luna hit the cabinet. "We were so close!"

"Aww, that was epic." I regretfully conceded.

We silently and morosely watched the counter tick down to zero, and Mane-iac laughed at us again. "Maybe next time, fools!"

"Yeah yeah, I'll kick your ass some day." I muttered.

After a moment, Luna sighed and turned to me. "That was fun."

"Yeah, that was great. I haven't binged on video games in months."

Luna thought for a moment and remembered something. She looked over at the clock by the store-front window and noticed the time. She flared up. "Egads, it has been hours since our arrival in Ponyville! It's even sunny out!" Luna turned and forcefully shook my hand. "Twas great being with you, but our sister is waiting on us and we must be off, like, two hours ago. Farewell!" She sprinted through the crowd of ponies who dove out of the way of their princess in a hurry.

I sat there and watched her leave. The ponies turned to me for some kind of explanation of anything, so I just shrugged. The crowd parted after a bit, but two familiar people approached me. "Ah, Rainbow, Spike! How's it goin'?"

Rainbow chuckled. "When did you become buddies with Princess Darkness?"

"You mean Luna? We just started hanging out this morning."

Rainbow looked skeptical. "Uh, but Spike just said he didn't see you all morning."

"Well, it was midnight..."

"Wow, have you seriously not gotten any sleep last night? How are you still awake?" Rainbow asked.

I rattled my nearly empty cup at her. "Lots of soda." I failed to stifle a powerful yawn. "Oh great, now I'm aware of my fatigue again."

"You need a nap or something?"

I yawned again, tears coming to my eyes. "Definitely. I guess I'm goin' home." I stood up and made my way to the exit.

Rainbow and Spike followed me home. I zoned out of most of the talking. Why did I decide to play video games for so long? I knew that would be a bad idea.

Well, it was nice to share my interests with someone. Luna seemed to enjoy herself, and we had some good times in Maretropolis. Could I consider this a good morning even when I felt like the walking dead? Perhaps when I wake up next, I'll think so.

Intentionally Sore Loser

Princess Celestia waited patiently. She had a lot of practice with patience over the years, which helped make waiting at this juncture more bearable. Not that she liked it, but she could at least get through the Morning Court without letting on about it.

Few petitioners visited the glamorous throne room today. A few visitors had something to say about trade regulations and taxes, but it wasn't anything she hadn't heard the day previous, and indeed, already dealt with. One of the few downsides of being a beloved ruler of a kingdom was the subjects' willingness to waste her time repeatedly. She didn't show it, but she was often annoyed by her (sometimes) well meaning ponies.

However, she wasn't worried about repetitive petitions. She asked her sister, Luna, to check with Twilight's dreams, but hasn't heard from her since. Luna rarely left the castle, even once she regained control of her magic. She preferred to spend more time in either her room or the study, normally reading about modern times. Celestia was initially bothered by Twilight's behavior, but now Luna's absence bothered her even more. What happened? Was her sister dealing with something big in Ponyville? Perhaps she was locked in battle with a fearsome monster?

Celestia dismissed her concerns as being over-protective of her little sister. Luna was about as powerful as her; she could handle herself.

Celestia didn't let any of this affect her outward demeanor when listening to Long Prattle talk for ages about the length of public speeches. "Furthermore, shorter speeches are easier to listen to for the younger ponies. With their shorter attention spans, they can hardly stay awake for the conclusion!"

Believe Celestia, Long Prattle; she understood. While the olden mare was a sweetheart with the future generation in mind, Long Prattle lived up to her name in the worst possible way. Celestia didn't even know whether or not she should consider this a frivolous case. She was leaning towards yes...

Pushing through the irony of a pony name Long Prattle complaining about the excessive length of public addresses without condescending laughter, Celestia's reply was far more dignified. "Thank you for airing your concerns, Miss Prattle. I will have my best ponies look into this matter."

Hey, no one said a beloved ruler was honest.

Long Prattle bowed graciously. "Thank you, your highness! You are doing the right thing."

Long Prattle was escorted out of the throne room. With her absence, one of Celestia's personal guards let out his repressed laughter with a chortle. Celestia didn't mind such an outburst. Her guards just liked having a professional demeanor in front of others.

The throne room doors opened to allow another pony entrance, and the solar princess was relieved to see who it was. "We shall be taking a short break." She announced, rising from her seat. The steward voiced his affirmation as Celestia approached her fellow alicorn. "Luna, I'm glad you've returned. Shall we adjourn to another room?"

Princess Luna smiled. It was short lived, as her stomach growled in disapproval at its master. She shot her tummy a look and returned to Celestia. "Yes, that would be best. We could do with a meal in the dining room."

Celestia addressed her steward. "We shall be taking a meal in the dining room. Have the chefs prepare a meal for Luna, please."

"Of course, princess." He replied. "Would you like something as well?"

"Just a light snack for me, thank you."

"Of course, your highness."

Celestia and Luna went to the dining room and sat, castle staff entering shortly after with their food. Luna was happy to see a lovely green onion and cheese omelet. Celestia was pleased to have her light morning snack: a platter of cookies that could spoil a foal's dinner for a week. Luna took a big bite of her omelet with a huge smile. Celestia couldn't help but giggle at her happy sister's joy.

"So how was Ponyville?" She asked, levitating one of many cookies.

Luna smiled even wider and goofier, as impossible as that seemed. "Great! I've discovered the entertainment medium of the modern age! I had so much fun!"

Celestia was gladdened to hear that everything was alright. Even better that Luna enjoyed herself for once. "That's good to hear. How was Twilight?"

Luna swallowed another tasty mouthful of omelet and beamed. "She is a kind pony. I'm glad to have met her! We spent all night playing games together!"

While Celestia was smiling, she was a bit conflicted between the happiness over her sister being friends with her student and the fact that her student spent yet another night without sleep. "At least you got along." She decided to say. "So what did you learn?"

Luna thought back at her time in Ponyville quite fondly. "Well, town layouts might be more confusing than ever, but they make up for it with their modern interactive storytelling galleries! Their best works are in the back!" Celestia frowned in confusion. Wasn't that the place games usually held the raunchier material? "Other than that, Twilight is quite good at transformations! I am impressed with her ability to turn into the man-monster of old!"

"It is indeed impressive." Celestia agreed. "But what about Twilight's behavior? Was it strange at all?"

Luna chewed thoughtfully. "Do you mean her swearing? I find it odd that she would often voice her anger, yet show so little."

Celestia shook her head. "No. That is strange, but is there something more tangible you learned?"

"Uhh..." Luna brightened with realization. "Oh yes! Twilight's dreams are strange!"

"How so?"

"You know how the portals to everypony's dreams appear as wooden doors?" Luna waited for Celestia's nod, then continued. "Well, Twilight's dreams are different. Instead of a solid and static door, there was a swirling vortex. Even the dream itself was odd, for it was in a constant state of flux."

Celestia's eyes narrowed in concern. "What does that mean, then?"

Luna shrugged. "I have no idea. I've never seen such a dream before. It would seem that Twilight's mind is molded by chaotic forces, which would explain why I held no power to change them myself."

Celestia's expression darkened. "Chaos? Are you sure?"

"Yes, it was chaotic." Luna said curiously. "But why would you be worried? Twilight claims that her dreams are no different than they ever were."

"Think about it, Luna. What major event comes to mind when chaos is concerned?" Celestia asked in reminder.

"Well, I think about Dis..." Luna gasped in realization. "Discord! Could it be that he's free?"

Celestia dumped the cookies off the platter. Fortunately, the silver metal tray made for a great reflective surface. "We must know for sure." She lit her horn with golden light, and cast a Scrying spell into the platter. A near static picture of a singing chimera faded into view. The statue was motionless, framed by the swaying of grass in the wind.

They both sighed with relief. "Thank goodness. I wouldn't know what to do if Discord was freed." Luna said.

"Indeed." Celestia concurred. "But that still raises the question of Twilight. What makes her different from other ponies?"

"Mmm, perhaps she's... literally made of magic?" Luna suggested.

Celestia denied such a claim. "No. Many ponies have tried to make artificial ponies before, but they've never made something that functions as perfectly as Twilight. Since Necromancy was outlawed all those centuries ago, nopony has even tried."

Luna chewed the end of her fork. "Then she... is being corrupted by dark magic?"

"No, I would have sensed it." Celestia claimed. "Remember that I am sensitive to the change of life forces in my ponies. Twilight has not even used dark magic since she left the School for Gifted Unicorns."

"Twilight used dark magic?" Luna asked.

"Once, on accident. When she realized how dangerous it was, she promised me to learn to control herself better."

"Oh." Luna wracked her brain for another suggestion. "Well, I can't think of anything else. Not unless you think it's possible she's not really a pony?"

"No, that's..." Celestia trailed off, thinking back to over a month ago. Luna wasn't the only one to suggest that Twilight wasn't a pony. "... not entirely impossible."

Luna replaced her fork with interest in the conversation. "Come again?'

"A while ago, Spike sent me a letter claiming that Twilight was acting strange. He was under the impression that Twilight was replaced with a clone or a body snatcher. Perhaps there's some merit in what he said." Celestia mused.

"Truly? Then how should we investigate this?" Luna asked.

"Think about it: Twilight was replaced with a nearly convincing duplicate. While the impostor is in Ponyville, where is the real Twilight?"

"We have no idea of knowing, unless..." Luna smiled as the solution came to mind. "We divine her location!"

"Yes, very good, Luna." Celestia brought the shining platter back up, shooing away the stray image of the petrified beast. "We will find out right now if Twilight is really an impostor."

She cast the Scrying spell again, this time focus on her faithful student. The image on display faded in, showing the purple mare tucked into her bed with her hooves just over the covers. She had her eyes closed, clearly trying to sleep. Another pony, this one a cyan pegasus, stepped into frame with a magic marker. She giggled impishly and silently popped off the cap. She brought the marker down onto Twilight's face and carefully dragged it a quarter-circle around her right eye. Twilight opened her eyes and gazed up at the prismatic pony. They stared at each other for a short while.

Twilight spoke up. "Were you drawing on my face?"

"Uh... no?" The other pony lied, unconvincingly.

Twilight sighed. "Look, if I let you draw something on my face, will you let me sleep?"

"Yeah, okay." The rainbow pony agreed, gleefully returning to the task at hoof. She drew a dorky pair of glasses around Twilight's eyes, adding a handlebar mustache and buck-teeth for added humiliation. "There, done! Get some rest, egg-head."

"Whatever." Twilight mumbled, closing her eyes with interest in nothing more than sleep.

Celestia cancelled the spell. "That was her bedroom, yes?"

"Yes, it was." Luna confirmed.

Celestia smiled with relief. "Then that settles it. That really is Twilight."

"So she's not an alien. That's good news." Luna said.

Celestia, now worry-free, lifted up another cookie for a bite. "Yes, or at least she's the Twilight I've always known. Either way, she's okay."

They both agreed on this news. No longer concerned over Twilight's recent behavior, they returned to their time together as sisters enjoying a meal (or an excessive snack). They conversed for the remainder of the hour feeling refreshed with their discovery. They felt good for the rest of the day, unaware of the dark secret that they both missed.

Spike watched Rainbow Dash slide down the staircase's guard rails, jumping off at the bottom into a giggling hover. It was good that Rainbow got some of her more rambunctious impulses out of her system, for Spike found this to be the perfect opportunity to have a little discussion with her.

Rainbow landed smoothly, letting the rest of her giggles die down. "Oh mane, she's gonna be so embarrassed when she wakes up! Heh hehe!"

Spike chuckled for her benefit. "Yeah, I can't wait to see the look on her face."

Rainbow rubbed her eyes clear. With her laughter done, she was ready to do something else. An active mare is never idle for long. "So you gonna stick around here, or what?"

"Yeah," Spike answered. "It's not like I have anything else to do."

"Well, I'm gonna jet. See ya 'round!" Rainbow began to trot to the front door.

Spike stopped her. "Wait, while you're here, there's something I want to talk to you about."

Rainbow halted halfway to the door and raised a curious eyebrow at the young dragon. "Uh, okay. What's up?"

"First off, what do you think of Twilight?"

Rainbow found that to be an odd question. Shouldn't Spike already know the answer to that? "She's pretty cool, I guess. We get along. Why?"

"Doesn't her behavior bother you at all?"

"Well, no, we haven't really been hanging out all that much. Probably because she spends all her time in this dusty old library."

"So what if I told you that she's been acting weird lately?"

Rainbow lightly laughed. "What, has she been cutting back on her swearing? That would be weird."

Spike shook his head. "No, that's the problem. She's been really easy to upset lately. Celestia even told her that she had anger issues."

Rainbow laughed harder. "Wow, that must be a real kick to the gut; having the princess of all ponies telling you that you have a problem."

Spike tilted his head in concession of the point. "Yeah, which is weird, because Twilight usually takes everything Celestia says as if it was holy water. As far as I can tell, she hasn't made an effort to change that since they last spoke."

"So she's a rebel now? Good for her!"

Spike rubbed his forehead with irritation. This wasn't going very well. Perhaps he should change tactics. "But doesn't it bother you that she's hiding something from you?"

Rainbow shrugged. "Not really. Twilight wouldn't be my only friend who has some dark secret she... er, they want to hide."

Spike felt that he should really ask for clarification on what Rainbow just hinted at, but decided to stay focused. "But as her friend, don't you feel like you deserve to know more about her?"

"Eh, it's her business. She'll tell us when she's ready."

Wow, Spike knew Rainbow was pretty laid back, but she was taking this serious conversation very well. "Then what was up with that reveal? What was she about to say before she decided against it?"

Rainbow scoffed. "Pft, probably nothing. She was probably just trying to come out of the closet, but over reacted. She's just scared because the ponies in Canterlot are prudes."

Spike didn't know what any of that meant, but he figured Dash knew what she was talking about. Probably something to do about kissing. "Doesn't it hurt you, knowing that she doesn't trust you?"

Rainbow winced. "Ergh. Okay, sure, that's totally not cool, but I get it. I have a few things I don't want getting out there either, I just haven't been telling everypony that I have them."

"Well, what could be something so important that it changes your friendships forever?"

Rainbow shrugged again. "You know better than me. I don't know what's going through that filly's head."

"Well, have you noticed how she hasn't been saying 'everypony' or anypony'?"

Rainbow tapped her chin, thinking about it. "I haven't noticed that. Has she really?" Spike nodded. "Huh, that's weird."

"What do you think of that?"

"She's probably just trying not to leave any non-ponies out. Must be because she lives with you."

Well, that's one way of looking at it. "Or it could indicate something wrong with her." Spike suggested.

"Huh?"

"Well, I mean, there's a lot she's been doing strangely." Spike elaborated. "She's been listening to violent music, getting into fights, slipping up on gender specific phrases, not writing to the princess, not freaking out around the princess, studying magic she already knew, forgetting about common knowledge, and picked up some questionable drinking habits. She hasn't done any of that before we came to Ponyville."

"Really? That does sound weird."

"Right, and she's only been getting stranger. She was a complete shut-in for the longest time, and she loved books more than anything. Now, it seems like she's more interested in exercise and power training."

"Maybe she just wants to get in shape? You know, keep up with her friends."

"Maybe, or maybe she's training for something big."

Rainbow Dash thought about it. "What could she be training for...?" She gasped. "Oh my gosh, the Running of the Leaves!"

Spike blinked. "What?"

"The Running of the Leaves is just a few weeks away! I'll bet she's preparing for it!"

"Uh, actually, Twilight's training has been more focused on muscle and..."

Rainbow ignored Spike's disagreement. "That cheeky mare! She gonna join the race, and we'll be competing against each other!" Rainbow stomped her hoof with determination. "Well I'm not gonna let some egg-headed shut-in beat Rainbow Dash! She'll see that racing me is like racing lightning!" She confidently raised her head, a plan forming in her mind. "Thanks for the heads up, Spike. Now I know to double down on my training! See ya around!"

"Wait, that's not what I..." Spike's protests met empty space, as Rainbow sprinted out the library. "...was talking about." Spike sighed dejectedly. Rainbow didn't even listen. She was more worried about the spirit of competition than listening to his concerns.

Spike sat heavily into one of the library's chairs. Rainbow was his last shot at convincing somepony of Twilight's impostor. Maybe he could try talking to Rainbow again sometime, but if this was any indication of the future, then Rainbow would be too air-headed to listen for long. He had to try again, but he didn't feel it would go well. Rainbow would likely just make more excuses for Twilight or just ignore him like everypony else.

He hung his head. This sucked.

I forced my eyes open. I wasn't about to waste all day on sleep, so I sat up and looked at the clock. It was a little past noon. I only got a few extra hours of sleep, but it would have to do for now. If I was to readjust to a normal sleep schedule, I had to get up.

I stretched and hopped off the bed, shuffling downstairs. The library's main room was as quiet and empty as always. Actually, things were a bit quieter. I saw Spike propping his head up on the arm of a chair without moving much.

"Good afternoon, Spike."

"Mornin'."

I found his unenthused greeting odd. Which was worse: the fact that it was the afternoon or that Spike usually put forth a little more effort in his greetings than that? I sat down near him and settled into my seat. "So, anything interesting happen while I was out?"

"No."

Spike didn't even look over to me. It occurred to me that something must have been bothering him. "You feeling alright?"

"Yeah."

Not exactly a convincing answer. "Feeling a little blue?"

"Maybe."

Definitely. I knew just the thing to cheer him up. "You wanna beat me at another board game? That always makes you laugh."

"Whatever."

What's that, Spike? You gave me your express permission to force you into playing a game? Don't mind if I do! "Wait right here, I'll go find something for us to do."

I barged down into the basement, where we held a mountain of board games ready for play. I levitated each game one by one, checking each of them over for something we haven't played yet. As I looked at each game, I noticed a trend.

It started with Monopoly, then continued with Twister, then Connect Four, and Guess Who, and finally Clue. Those weren't the only examples, but there were plenty of games from back home that had a counterpart here, yet kept their original names. How come Uno had to be changed to One Up, yet Operation got to keep its title in conversion? Was this some kind of clue for something? Perhaps it was some kind of hint about my current situation. Let's see, the only thing they all had in common was that they were Hasbro products. Was that important?

Nah, probably not.

I figured "whatever", and grabbed The Game of Life. I hopped back up the stairs to find Spike in the same place as before, still just as motionless. I sat across from him and set up the board. He idly picked out his game piece, and so began our game.

I was intent on losing in as spectacular a fashion as possible, with little self-inflicted injury. We took the first couple of rounds getting through the early stages of the game until we got to pick our careers. I levitated the cards out for Spike. "Choose one, but do so wisely!" I warned. "The right card will give you the career of your dreams, but the wrong one will give you a crappy dead-end job."

"Fancy that." He mumbled. He grabbed a card at random (without looking up from the board. He barely even looked at it. "Corporate CEO."

"Tch, that sucks." Poor fool, getting a multi-million dollar job as a leader. Who wants that? I levitated the cards over to him. "Now let me pick." He held out the cards, and I heavily weighed my options. Should I pick this nondescript card, or the other one? Man, this game doesn't simulate real life at all! I grabbed one card. "Alright, I'm a... sales clerk?" Oof, my apologies to The Game of Life. It knew me after all.

Spike chuckled once. "Nice choice, bottom feeder."

"Don't patronize me from your mountain of hookers and blow, you corporate ass!" I yelled. This was good, he had a lead on me.

Next we had to choose our homes. I held out the cards for him to pick. He grabbed one and gave it a glance. "Huh, a humble cottage."

"Hah, not all of them are winners, huh? I bet I'll get a better house than that!" I boasted. I grabbed an offered card. "Yeah, I... uh, damn."

"What?"

"B-bottom of a well..."

Spike cackled against the table-top much to my (exaggerated) frustration. "Oh, that's great! At least you get free water!"

"Oh, laugh it up!" I roared. "You'll see! I'll build an underground laboratory where I'll poison the world's business owners! Then we'll see who's laughing!"

Spike looked up at me and struggled to stifle more laughter. "How are you gonna afford it? Using peanuts?"

I seethed at him. Just as planned, Spike kicked my ass with legendary thoroughness. He got through the game with ten times the money I did with a wife and only one child. On the other hand, I had to reach the end with a husband and so many kids that I needed a second cart. Man, my game of Life sucked.

"So, what did we learn about making poor Life choices?" Spike mockingly asked.

"For one thing, I hate you."

Spike threw his head back in laughter. I weathered his belittling chortles with a frown, finding solace in his newfound mirth.

When his laughter faded, I put on a smile. "Feeling better now?"

Spike wiped a tear from his eye. "Yeah, I feel better." He stared at me for a moment longer, and let out a coarse laugh before trying to hold back the rest.

I glowered at him. "What now?"

"Y-your face!" He managed to say through his restrained merriment. Unfortunately, the effort it took to speak was enough of a distraction to him that he lost control again. He fell out of the chair, laughing at me.

What the hell was wrong with my face? I stomped over to a mirror and checked. That's when I remembered what Rainbow did to me that morning. "Ah! Rainbow, you bitch!"

My yell renewed Spike's laughter. I shot him an angry look, but I shook it off. At least he wasn't moping. And besides, the marker was easily masked. I changed the color of the markings to match my coat, and walked back over to Spike.

When he recovered himself, he stood up from the floor. I patted him on the back. "Anyway, glad you're feeling better."

Spike looked at me with uncertainty. He settled on saying "Thanks for cheering me up."

"Anytime."

As we went our separate ways to pass the time, I wondered what it was that upset Spike? Was this whole situation just eating away at him, just now affecting him in a more perceptible way? Maybe. I'd ask him about it, but it wouldn't do to outright reveal myself like that, not even to someone who knew better. Spike would have to sit tight while I found a solution to these problems. In the meantime, I'd have to keep his spirits up.

I had to master Conjuration to summon the real Twilight. But first, I needed to fix that hole in the bedroom.

Like Halloween, Only Not

Spike flipped through the final page of his comic and set it down with a sigh. Not a sigh of contentment, rather one of disappointment. Why was it that all of these things seemed so short? There were still hours left in the day, and that comic barely lasted him a few minutes. He looked around the main room of the library. He wasn't about to read any of this stuff. While he really wanted something to pass the time, he wasn't desperate enough to start reading those long, boring novels.

Figuring he had some old comics left to re-read, he went upstairs to check the collection. His search was disheartening, as he already read each of them at least three times. With a shake of his head, he ventured elsewhere in search of some kind of activity. In the basement, he looked over the hoard of boxes. Lots of board games (none of which were playable solo), plastic utensils, tools, and other such questionable items. But one box in the back got his attention.

It was unopened and sealed with packing tape. Covered in a layer of dust, it must have been one of the boxes they brought from Canterlot when Spike and Twilight first moved. Spike climbed over the debris blocking his path. He carefully cut open the container with a claw and flipped it open to view its contents. At the very top was a book he recognized easily: a photo album. He opened the book.

He remembered the first picture. It showed a little filly Twilight with a newly hatched Spike. It was shortly after Twilight hatched him in her entrance exam. Spike smiled at the memory. While he didn't personally remember that moment, he knew how much it meant to his Twilight.

He turned the page to another memory, this one showing Twilight holding up her student forms for the school. She was so excited to begin learning magic at Celestia's exalted school.

The next picture froze Spike solid. Twilight was held aloft by the magical aura of a white unicorn stallion. Both were smiling and laughing with shared excitement. While Twilight was accepted into a magic school, the other in the picture was sharing his news that he was going to the officer's academy.

Spike slapped a claw to his face. He was such an idiot. How could he have forgotten somepony so important?

New avenues of action were opened with his new revelation. He dropped the album back into the box and leaped back to the door. He swiped some writing materials on his way out of the darkened basement and placed everything on the nearest table. Without hesitation, he penned a letter with a plan in mind.

Dear BBBFF,

It was important for his plan if his contact believed that Twilight was writing to him. He continued.

It has been too long since we last wrote to each other. How have you been? I've been doing very well. Magic studies have been more rewarding than they usually have. I have many great friends here in Ponyville. Maybe you could come see my new place sometime? It's a library!

This part was of particular importance. Suggesting a visit in the future was vital to his plan's success. Now all he had to do was add some natural sounding padding to the letter.

How's Canterlot been? I haven't been there for a few months now, and I can only imagine what your reign of terror has done to the place.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Your LSBFF,
Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.: Spike says hi.

Looking over his letter for anything out of the ordinary, he assured himself that everything was okay, and blew his fire onto the letter. Its remains swirled into the air and up the chimney, no doubt going straight for his intended target.

He didn't have to wait but ten minutes before he belched out a reply. Spike greedily grasped the letter and read it eagerly to see how his plan was turning out.

Dear Twiley,

It's great to hear from you again! I'm glad to hear you're doing well in your new town. Told you getting out once in a while wouldn't hurt.

Spike rolled his eyes playfully at the teasing. That was so like him.

You actually picked a good time to write, because I have some incredible news. Remember your foalsitter, Cadence? Well guess what? We're engaged!

Spike gasped at the news. This was huge! He wished Twilight were here to read this.

We're still discussing when the wedding should be, but we're in no rush. Things couldn't be better!

We'll have to visit you sometime. We can't come over now, however, since Cadence and I just came to Prance on vacation. But don't worry, we'll surprise you soon!

Spike's mouth twitched. He was abroad right now, which meant that Spike still had to wait for far too long to get anything done. While it was a depressing setback, this could actually work out pretty well. If nothing else, the addition of Cadence would further cement his victory when the time came.

He just needed to be patient. If he could keep things going for a little while longer, then a fool-proof plan would win the day. For the first time in a while, Spike felt optimistic.

Optimism that didn't last very long when the catalyst of his ire entered the library. Spike hurriedly hid the letter under the table, hoping to dispose of it later. In the meantime, he straightened his brow towards the damned impostor.

The evil clone of Twilight closed the door behind her and smiled at Spike with excitement. "Spike, there's been a change in plans."

"How so?" Spike asked.

"Nightmare Night."

Spike quirked an eyebrow at the news. "What about it?"

"It's just a few days away!" "Twilight" declared. "You know what that means, don't you?"

Oh yes, that's right. It was the time of year where foals would go from house to house and get candy. It was a shame really; Spike never got to enjoy Nightmare Night like the other children. He was hoping this year would be different, but he was very doubtful. "Yeah, it means we get to distribute candy to the kids."

Twilight blew a dismissive raspberry. "Nah, that's boring shit. We're gonna make badass costumes and do stuff around town!"

We? This monster was making a lot of assumptions about what Spike wanted to do. Well, he did want to explore the town in a cool outfit, he just didn't want his first Nightmare Night to be with some kind of beast instead of his sister. "Nah, it's fine. I'll be fine staying here."

Twilight's face fell into something resembling concern. "You sure about that? I mean, Nightmare Night sounds like a pretty big event, and I'm sure there's a lot of fun things to do."

"Yes, I'm sure." Spike said, doing his best to mask his building temper. "I think I'd rather stay in the library than do any of those activities in town."

Twilight was skeptical. "Okay, so what did you plan on doing?"

Spike only gave it a little thought. "I guess I'll just hand out some candy."

"But what about for passing the time? Surely you'll be waiting a while between each visit, and you'll want something to do in the meantime."

Spike didn't have anything to say in response to that. Just moments ago, he had that same dilemma. With writing letters out of the question, he truly had nothing to do.

Twilight spoke up in his silence. "Maybe we should go out into town together? It beats staying in the library all night while everyone else is having fun. Besides, you've been pretty tense lately. Getting out once in a while will do you some good."

There was little he could say against that. "...Alright."

Twilight flashed a hopeful little smile. "Great. What do you say we go shopping for some supplies? We can make our own costumes however we want."

"Okay."

Twilight beckoned him to do just that and they left the library behind. Spike's mind was still twirling with emotion and paranoia. What was this impostor trying to accomplish? What could this wolf in pony skin possibly have to gain from spending time with Spike? It didn't make sense. Something was up. This clone wanted to do something to Spike that involved being really nice to him, but it had to know about his distrust, so why bother? Spike was angry and confused.

After three days of tireless work, it was nearly time for Nightmare Night. I worked hard on making this costume so kick ass, and I was eager to give it the spotlight it deserved. The costume was on its stand in the basement, waiting for me. I transformed into a human to don each portion of my outfit. The cardboard greaves, magically altered to resemble worn metal, fit me well. Boots completed my lower body in the appearance of heavy crimson armor. The breastplate, adorned with a golden eagle insignia, made itself at home on my torso. I put on the large white shoulder pads and gauntlets last, completing the set of fake power armor.

Next I dug out a replica sword. I studied for an entire day to get this particular illusion down: I enchanted the sword to crackle with illusory electricity. A few practice swings confirmed it had the slight trail of lightning following the blade wherever it went.

Perfect, my costume was complete.

I looked myself over in the mirror. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was supposed to be fighting aliens right about now. It's almost too bad that it was all just for show.

Feeling and looking like a badass, Force Commander Twilight Sparkle stepped into the library's main room. Spike was readjusting the helmet of his costume, which was a suit of knight's armor custom made for baby dragons. He strapped a toy sword to his back and acknowledged me. He looked me up and down with a curious expression. "Nice get up."

I stood proud with my shoulders squared and hand to my hip. "I fight in the name of the Emperor." I quoted.

"Who's that?"

"I dunno, some guy. You ready to go, Sir Spike?"

Spike erected himself in a chivalrous display of might. "Of course."

With a nod, I opened the front door of the library and took a step. My step was a futile effort, as my ginormous shoulder pads blocked me in. With a side-step through the door, we finally left to greet the festivities the night had to offer.

Autumn greeted us. The slight chill of the fall pressed into my bare face. Bright green decorations pierced through the dark veil of the night. While well lit, the streets were dark enough to promote the fear this holiday deserved. Ponies idled and sped by with costumes of their own; not all of them designed for fear.

While I, on the other hand, was dressed as fear incarnate.

"Not impressed, are you?" Spike noted.

"No, nobody here is dressed scary. Look at Daisy, over there: she's dressed like a sunflower! The only way she would be scary is if I was a botanophobe!" I noticed another pony's costume. "And Carrot Top over there is a vampire! Those haven't been scary since tolerance was invented!"

"You're just saying that because you're dressed like a space warrior."

"Space Marine." I corrected.

"Whatever you say, freakazoid."

I rolled my eyes at his half-hearted insult. I wouldn't expect a heretic to understand. "So what do you think we should do around here? Looks like the kids are all trick-or-treating."

Spike shrugged. "Eh, I'd rather not. We could just look around to see what the others are doing."

"Yeah, maybe they're doing something interesting."

We didn't even start walking before one of them found us. Surrounded by a group of curious foals, that one specific pink pony popped up and clucked a smile. "Twilight! Nice costume!"

"Thanks, Pinkie. I see that you are... a chicken."

"Yep! You like it?"

"Err..." I fought a while for the right choice of words. "Well, the important thing is that I won't judge you."

Pinkie's face fell. "Oh, you don't like chickens?"

Well, they make tasty sandwiches... "No, sorry."

"Aw." Pinkie sagged.

"Hey, come on, it's not a big deal."

Pinkie jumped up with an idea. "Wait, I got it!" Pinkie zoomed down the street.

While I stared after her, a small colt dressed as a pirate challenged me. "Hey, you scared the captain away!"

"Well, it was less scaring her and more convincing her to change her ways. Accidentally."

"She was to lead us to sweet treasure!" The little pipsqueak continued.

"Is that a euphemism for candy peddling? Then I'm really sorry I delayed you kids for, like, two seconds."

The little pirate looked down the street in the direction that Pinkie fled. "She's not coming back yet."

Ha ha, the little fool. Pinkie wasn't gonna come back from that direction. In fact, Pinkie came from the other way. I poked him with the tip of my boot and gestured the other way, where we caught a glimpse of Pinkie's new costume. She dropped a few jaws. She wore this thin black dress that hugged her form pretty tightly. I'm not much of a dress guy, so forgive me if I don't use any terminology here, but the part of the dress going down her hind-legs was split down the sides, barely showing off a glimpse of her cutie mark. While the dressy black shoes fit her image pretty well, I could only assume her poofy pink mane did no favors. The dark eyeliner was a nice touch.

Pinkie smiled coquettishly, lidding her eyes and turning her body just enough to show her entire outfit. "So, how's this?"

"I don't even know what you're supposed to be."

She fluttered her eyelashes and tilted her head to the side. "I'm a seductress."

Ah, it was one of those sexy costumes. "Are you sure that's okay to wear around kids?"

Pinkie waved off my concern. "Probably not, but I don't care."

I laughed. "Ha ha, I like you!"

Pinkie beamed. "Thanks!"

"Heh heh, alright, I'll let you get back to your trick-or-treating. Have a happy Halloween!"

A few heads tilted in confusion. "It's Nightmare Night." Pinkie corrected.

I nodded with hidden frustration. "Of course it is."

We separated with a wave, at which point Spike and I headed further into town for more exploration. Being the busy part of town this evening, it didn't take us very long to run into someone else who shot me a quick greeting. We crossed paths with Mayor Mare, dressed like a clown in a rainbow afro. "Ah, is that you, Twilight?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, that's a great costume. I almost thought you were an alien!"

"Thanks. I see you're dressed as terror."

"I'm a clown, actually."

"Clown, terror; what's the difference?"

Mayor Mare frowned. "Twilight, are you scared of clowns?"

"Was." I said. "Then I learned that they're just like you and me: mortal."

She nodded slowly. "Don't cause any trouble, please."

"Who, me? Never!" I swore with my hand raised like it was a solemn oath.

The mayor went onwards to speak with other ponies, giving me a cautious look, leaving me and Spike on our continued journey through the (Nightmare) night. Not that our musings over spooky decorations lasted long when a relatively new couple in Snowflake and Blossomforth walked by and commented on my attire.

"WOW, GREAT ALIEN COSTUME, TWILIGHT!" Guess who yelled that. Guess.

I turned from a particularly amusing spider plush to address them directly. Snowflake dressed rather according to his name, while his girlfriend was dressed in some kind of white leotard with bright pink tassels around her legs. Was she some kind of dancer? "Thanks, and I see you're a weather pattern. And you, miss Blossomforth, seem to be late for rehearsal."

Blossomforth chuckled politely. "I'm not really a dancer, silly; I just play one on Nightmare Night!"

"Coulda fooled me." I joked. "Having a good time?"

"THE BEST TIME!" Snowflake said with a smile. "THINGS COULDN'T BE BETTER!"

"Ah, that's good to hear." I said in way of congratulations. "I take it you two are happy together?"

Blossomforth leaned against Snowflake with an endearing smile up at her boyfriend. "We are; Snowy is such a sweetheart."

"EVERY MOMENT WITH BLOSSOM IS LIKE DANCING IN A WARM SPRING MEADOW!" Snowflake poetically remarked. It was the kind of phrasing that would call for brain bleach if it wasn't yelled in the same tone of voice used for battle cries.

"Well I'm very happy for you two." I said.

"Thanks!"

We said our farewells and they departed. It's always good to see someone so happy, even if it's in that sappy romantic way.

Spike had his claws on his hips with an expression of bemusement. "Well, somepony sure is popular."

I shrugged at his remark. "What can I say? I have a magnetic personality."

"Yeah, either that or a working knowledge of enchantment spells."

I crossed my arms in a faux sneer. "For your information, enchantment is my least favorite school of magic."

"Uh huh."

"You doubt me?"

"A little, yeah."

I shook my head in dismissal of his accusations. I would have made some kind of sarcastic retort over his attitude, had the sky not turned dark all of a sudden. "Huh, is it just me, or did the night just get blacker?"

Spike inspected the night sky as well. "Yeah, where'd these clouds come from?"

Despite the darkness of the sky, a pegasus-drawn chariot was visible flying by. At least, it should have been drawn by pegasi. Were there pegasi with naturally pointy wings like bats? I couldn't tell you, but the chariot landed just around the corner where the square was. It was the perfect time for investigation.

Spike and I peeked around the corner to behold the scene before us. Upon closer inspection, the ponies pulling the chariot were ponies with bat-like features. What were they, bat ponies? Whatever, the real star of the evening was the chariot's disembarking occupant: the Princess of the Night. She stepped off the chariot, a casual and innocuous act that forced every pony in the plaza to freeze up and bow in reverence.

Either that or fear. Was there a difference? I had to look that up.

Luna couldn't just drop into town quietly, however. She used her earth shaking voice to announce her presence. "CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE, YOUR VILLAGE HAS BEEN GRACED BY THE PRESENCE OF THE TRUE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT!"

I shook my head with a laugh. She should really know how unnecessary doing that was. I walked past the corner behind our distracted royal visitor. "Hey Luna, what's up?" I greeted with my arms held out to my sides.

Luna turned to face the one that addressed her so casually and gasped in shock. I don't know what it was about my costume that spooked her; maybe the lightning sword was a bit too much, but she freaked when she saw me. "Ah, man-fiend!" Her horn lit up suddenly.

My carefree demeanor dropped in an instant. "Wha-" A turquoise beam of energy shot at me suddenly. "Ah!" I reflexively blocked it with my crappy plastic sword. The magic twisted and destroyed my little prop easily, rendering it useless.

That would all be well and good if Luna stopped at a single energy blast. She didn't. In her apparent panic, she sprayed an excessive amount of energy beams in rapid succession with nothing to hit but me. Each beam struck me in the chest, pushing me back with the recoil like I was getting shot apart by an AK-47. One final, larger blast shot me off my feet and onto my back.

I sat up clutching my chest. "Holy shit. What was that for?"

"T-Twilight Sparkle?" She shakily asked.

"Yeah. By the way: fucking ow."

Luna breathed a sigh of relief and apologetically approached me. "Our apologies; your outfit made us believe you to be one of the invaders of old!"

I gave her a flat look. "Invaders?"

"Yes, your outfit looks exactly like the kind of armor they wore in their attacks. We should have realized you were only wearing a costume."

I sat there for a moment just taking in what she just implied about Equestria's history, and shook my head. I really needed to read a history book. "Whatever, it's okay." I picked myself up and inspected my broken sword, twisted and flickering pitifully. "Damn, there goes that."

"Actually, we can't help but notice that your costume is unscathed. Did you reinforce it with your magic?"

"Right, like I'm going to make a suit of armor and not reinforce it."

Luna raised a brow. "Why would you alter your costume thus? Surely you weren't trying to make an actual suit of armor?"

"Okay, so I might have gotten a little overzealous with its design and invented a meta-plastic on a whim. It happens."

"You invented a new material for no better purpose than a single costume?"

"That's not important right now." I dismissed the topic. "What are you doing here? Canterlot not a good place to celebrate this kind of thing?"

"It could be, but We have friends in Ponyville." She said with a smile pointed to me.

I returned her smile. "Aw, that's sweet of you. Any plans? 'Cause me and Spike were just looking around for something to do."

"To be honest, we had few plans ourself." Luna admitted. "Perhaps you would be willing to go plus one on your search for adventure this night?"

"Sounds good to me!" I lightly elbowed Spike, who sauntered on by sometime in the last couple of minutes. "Whattya say, Spike? How does a Halloween adventure with a princess sound?"

"You mean a Nightmare Night adventure?" He asked with a smug look.

I growled with embarrassment. "Yes, that's what I said. Please answer the question."

Spike shrugged. "Alright, I guess."

I pumped a fist into the air while Luna simultaneously threw a hoof up.

"Huzzah!"

"Hell yeah!"

Luna and I immediately shot each other looks for our nearly coordinated celebration. "... Is this the part where we say 'jinx'?" She asked.

"I believe that only applies when we both say the same thing."

"Ah."

We sat there in silence for a brief moment, some stallion in the still bowing crowd coughing awkwardly. "Right," I said, getting back on track. "We should take a look around for something cool. I'm not exactly sure what they've set up around here."

"You know the way, Twilight Sparkle."

"Well, we're mostly going to be wandering around randomly. Stop me if you see anything you like."

"Ah, bully!" Luna gladly declared.

"Uh, is that good?"

"Yes."

I nodded strangely and nervously cast my eyes around. "Alright, let's go... that way." I pointed in some meaningless direction and began walking.

Luna and Spike (Spike being impassive about it all) followed me across the plaza in search for anything fun. I'll admit that it was pretty annoying trying to walk over a bunch of ponies who were lying on the ground like that. I sure hoped that it wouldn't be too much of an issue the rest of the night.

Author's Note

God damn, this one took a while. How many excuses do I have?

-Painful, debilitating illness
-Relative in the hospital
-Procrastination
-Consistent lack of passion
-Overwhelming desire to write scenes that are too many chapters away
-Writer's block
-Fallout 4
-Getting into Starcraft
-Getting into World of Darkness
-Ordering more World of Darkness books with which to distract myself
-Designing a cowboy for Pathfinder
-Fallout 4 (again)
-Writing this A/N instead of writing content

Yeah, bad times all around. Hopefully I'll pick up my substantial slack from now on.

Nothing to Fear (But Me)

"...and when their leader agreed to go on a date with Celestia, he was nice enough to call off his troops. The invasion ended when they went on their first date."

I rubbed my eyes out of unbelieving frustration at the story I could barely wrap my head around. "That shouldn't have worked."

"Would you prefer it if my story had us storming their spaceship and destroying it from within?" Luna asked.

"Yes, anything but that fruity power of love crap."

"Well, our sister does prefer romance to battle."

"Pfft, what a weirdo." I said. "I'd much rather fight someone than kiss them."

"We pity whomever desires you as a mate."

"No no no," I corrected. "I just meant that I don't really want to get into any relationships. It's just not my thing."

"So you prefer fighting. Do you like it?"

"Fighting? Yeah."

"So do we. What do you like about fighting the most? I like the rush of a good aerial bombardment."

"I like the feeling of a good punch to the mouth." I stated with a light swing of my fist. "When you connect with their face, you can feel their teeth rattle and dig into your fist. It hurts, but it's just so satisfying."

"Hah! We have to admit to liking that feeling as well! What about you, sir Spike? Is there something you like about battles?"

Spike, walking slightly behind us, shrugged with disinterest. "Never been in a fight."

"'Tis a shame; fighting is much fun."

Looking between us, Spike sighed. "Everypony I know is psycho."

"Psycho, or living on the edge?" I asked. "I'd argue the latter."

"Nothing says sanity like fighting griffins over birthday candles." Spike snarked.

"Heh, guilty as charged!"

Luna and I shared a bit of a laugh at that, but my laughter was cut short when I tripped over a pony bowing to Luna. My face slammed into the ground before I could even react. I pushed myself up and glared at the prone pony. "Hey, watch where you face-plant! People are walking here!"

While the bowing pony paid me no attention, Spike smiled patronizingly at me. "Did somepony hurt themselves?"

"Shut up, Spike." I got up and rubbed the sore spot on my face. "God, that's like the fifth time that's happened."

"'Tis a common annoyance when dealing with the peasantry." Luna lamented.

"I don't think it's nice to say 'peasantry'."

"Then what is the proper modern terminology?"

"I dunno, I haven't put much thought into it."

Luna sighed and looked around the street. Nopony was willing to meet her gaze, for every pony she even came close to looking at dropped down into an awkward bow. "We think it would be best to find something to do with haste. All this bowing is making us nervous. How far until we reach our destination?"

"I still don't have a destination in mind."

Luna's expression soured. "You mean to tell us that you haven't thought of anything after an entire hour?"

"Hey, you're the one who was distracting me with war stories! I was too busy with the mental image of Celestia boning aliens to think of what ponies do for fun around here."

"You asked!"

I rolled my eyes in preparation for another retort, but Pinkie Pie was trotting down the street with her posse of children in tow. She caught my attention with her cheerful calls. Buckets and pails filled with candy hung around every limb, one was even impressively hanging onto the little hook of her mane. "Hey Twilight, good news! Ever since I changed costumes, stallions have been giving me a lot more candy!"

As Pinkie got closer, I realized that she had her eyes closed in that often whimsical way ponies like to do. This had the side-effect of her not noticing anything as she approached, so she walked right up to me effectively blind. Impressive that she didn't trip over any of the ponies still hanging around.

"Hey, that's great." I complimented. "Looks like your last minute changing did some good."

"Definitely!" Pinkie finally opened her eyes and smiled up at me with all the innocence ponies her age shouldn't have. She turned her head and saw Luna for the first time.

I quickly took notice of this being their first formal meeting. "Ah, Pinkie, this is Princess Luna, as I'm sure you know. Luna, this is Pinkie Pie. Pinkie is weird."

"Truly?" Luna said curiously.

Pinkie didn't move. My initial thought was that she zoned out, but she was clearly thinking very hard. It was as if she was working on some kind of conundrum of great importance.

Then she figured on an answer.

Her answer was screaming.

"AAAAAAAGH! NIGHTMARE MOON! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Pinkie sprinted off into the distance, leaving behind a long trail of assorted candies. The foals joined in and ran off after Pinkie, followed shortly by every pony else. All was chaos for a brief minute, then all became silence.

I looked around, noting the deserted streets. "Damn, now that's crowd control."

Luna frowned deeply. "Yes. Truly nopony could have fled in fear any faster than they have."

Luna's frown concerned me. "Well, at least nopony is incessantly bowing to you. That's progress, right?"

Luna sagged her head. "We had hoped we could mingle in Ponyville without anypony bringing up Nightmare Moon. It would seem that some ponies still remember."

I remembered how we first met Luna when she was using that name. You couldn't blame her for wanting to forget that. "Yeah, it's too bad."

"We don't want our ponies to fear us, yet this happens." She sighed dejectedly. "We fear too many ponies still hold that against us."

"Right, because they're idiots." I said matter-of-factly.

Luna shot me a curious look. "Excuse us?"

"Listen," I began. "When we first met at the Summer Sun Celebration, we had a rough start. Out of any pony in Ponyville, I was the one with the most experience with you. I was the one who faced danger from your traps and risked injury upon our confrontation. I have the most reason out of any pony to hold a grudge, yet I don't. We became friends despite that stuff. If I can like you after all that, then no one has an excuse to wish you ill. Anyone who does is not important enough to have an opinion."

After a moment of absorbing the speech, Luna smiled. "Thank you for your words of consolation. It is good to hear how you feel about us, even considering our actions towards you."

"Not a problem."

Spike crossed his arms almost confrontationally. "What about Pinkie? Isn't she your friend? You just kinda threw her under the wagon."

"I know Pinkie well enough to know that she doesn't scare that easily." I said. "I don't know what caused that extreme reaction of hers, but I'll talk to her about it later. For now, we actually need to do something fun for this holiday."

"Excellent thinking, Twilight!" Luna exclaimed. "Do you have an idea now?"

"...no." I admitted pitifully.

Before Luna could say anything about that, Spike sighed and pointed down the street. "How about those?"

We turned to see what he meant and were struck with awe. I bobbed my head with appreciation; Luna ooh-ed. Who wouldn't recognize this sweet taste of medieval weaponry? A heavy wooden frame was rooted into the ground on a pivot (an unusual modification for this particular piece of tech), the device's arm pulled way back for easy access to its bucket. A lever was on its side, no doubt as a firing mechanism. This, my friends, was a goddamn Catapult.

"Oh, yeah."

"This must be twice the fun of any other activity." Luna agreed upon closer examination.

I brushed a hand over the extended arm, looking over the catapult with much interest. I whistled with appreciation. "Now this is one sexy siege engine. If ever there was a girl for me, it would be this one."

Spike deadpanned. "You're in love with a catapult?"

"I'd send you the wedding invitations, but tomorrow seems like short notice." I joked.

Luna laughed. "You have good taste, Twilight Sparkle!"

I looked around for some kind of attendant. "Someone's gotta be supervising these things. Is there someone who can give us some ground rules, or can we go hog wild?"

"Ah wish ya wouldn't." Spoke a familiar southern girl.

I looked past the catapult and saw my good friend Applejack dressed as a scarecrow. "AJ! Good to see you! I take it you are looking over these things?"

"Sure am. Wanna give 'er a whirl?" She asked, though you could tell she already knew the answer.

"Yes I do. What's our payload?"

"Just load up one o' them pumpkins over there and aim fer the target over there." Applejack instructed, pointing out both a pile of pumpkins and the targets.

I levitated one of the pumpkins onto the bucket with giddy glee. Luna stepped up next to me as I grabbed hold of the lever. Before I could let 'er loose, Applejack finally noticed Luna. I don't know how you could miss seeing an alicorn as prominent as Luna. Maybe because the catapult was between them until now? Whatever the case, Applejack was willing and able to make a big deal out of it. "P-Princess Luna?"

"Yes, good evening." Luna greeted.

"Er, howdy." Applejack grabbed me by the collar and pulled me down to whisper. "Ah think you should let the princess go first."

"What? No way, I got here first!" I whispered right back.

"But she's a princess, Twi!"

"And I'm Gives-No-Fucks, Argonian herald of Black Marsh. What's your point?"

"Because she's a princess! You have to let her do it!"

Luna interrupted our hushed conversation. "Can we pull the lever now? I eagerly await the splatter of our veggie artillery."

"Go ahead, the honor's all yours." I said to her. I turned to Applejack with a glare. "Happy now?"

"Very much so." Applejack said.

I stood up straight and got into place to watch the launch. Luna pulled the lever and activated the catapult. The catapult threw the pumpkin into the air for some impressive airtime before it splat against the target. Chunks of pumpkin went everywhere. The strike left a conspicuous orange stain on the target to mark our accuracy.

I bobbed my head with appreciation once more. "Ha ha! Catapults rule!"

Luna expressed her joy with laughter. "Ha ha, this is much fun! Let's load another!" Luna levitated over another pumpkin.

I scratched my chin with thought. "What if we launched other things instead?"

Luna halted the loading of the catapult. Spike, Luna and I shared looks.

"Ahm not sure if ah should be stoppin' ya." Applejack stated.

The watermelon plopped into the bucket. "It's not like this is any worse than using pumpkins." I pointed out.

"Ah guess."

What's the first thing you think of when you think of fruit violence? If you give a man a katana, he'll chop up some watermelon with the grace of a shadow warrior. That's what we were thinking when we were given a catapult, only larger and messier. Cooler, too.

I pulled the lever this time (cause I wasn't about to let someone's social standing get in the way of my fun a second time). The watermelon sailed into the air like a mortar shell and impacted upon the target like one. It made a satisfying splat.

"BOOM! Is it just me, or was that better when the flying chunks are red?"

"Yeah, that was pretty cool." Spike admitted with a chuckle.

"As incredible as that was, we cannot help but think of the potential in this activity." Luna declared. "Perhaps we need to expand our options?"

We dumped a fourth bucket of cherries into the catapult. Applejack didn't have anything to say this time. We started drawing a crowd by this point, but it was only about twenty ponies wanting to watch our cherry slaughter.

I hefted Spike next to the lever. "Honor's all yours, Spike."

With a gleeful grin, Spike pulled the lever. About a hundred cherries were set loose, scattering in the air for a devastating area of effect. Those cherries didn't just hit the target; they hit everything around the target. It was a fruity blood bath.

"We should probably keep in mind that many smaller projectiles would make for good anti-infantry ammunition." Luna noted gladly.

"Alright, ah gotta step in. Who gave ya that apple?"

We rolled a truly gargantuan apple into the catapult's bucket. That thing fit perfectly. I smiled slyly. "We found someone who was willing to make a... trade."

[Somewhere at Sweet Apple Acres, Big McIntosh trotted merrily to a secret hiding spot. He hugged his new doll tightly, giving it a loving nuzzle. "Ah love you, Smarty Pants."]

"Well, ah suppose if ya bartered for it..."

"Precisely!" Luna interjected. "Now for the shooting!"

She hastily pulled the lever. That apple tore right through the target like a boulder. It might have broken just beyond it, but we couldn't be sure.

"Damn, that was one sturdy apple!" I commended.

"Yep; best apples in all Equestria." AJ boasted.

"No doubt." Luna added. "And with that, We believe we have done the best we can. That apple also doubled as a large rock for our purposes!"

"Yeah, there are other places for us to raise a little hell." I agreed. I looked around us. The crowd had gotten bigger since our last projectiles. "Oh, 'sup? Enjoy the show?"

There were some mumbled yeses and nods.

I turned to Luna with a smile. "Hey Luna, these ponies enjoyed the show!"

Luna sized up the crowd that was just standing there. I think our little showing caught them off guard enough for them to relax. "Truly? That's marvelous!"

Luna's smile at that moment was a glorious sight. I had assumed that she would be upset the entire night if we didn't find a welcome distraction, but it turned out that our distraction solved her problem. Luna smiled upon her subjects, and her subjects weren't screaming for their lives. It was great progress.

I didn't realize that a storm cloud was pushed above the crowd until its thunder shook the air. The loud boom startled me, but it did much more to the skittish ponies of Ponyville. Turns out loud noises scared them so much that they all erupted into panicked chaos trying to clear out again. Directionless ponies were shoving their way past each other, every single one of them fighting to go anywhere that wasn't there.

The last pony eventually left to my narrow, disbelieving glare. Raspy laughter sounded from the cloud above. I looked up at the laughing pony, her rainbow mane identifying her under her Shadowbolt costume. "Did you see that? Hee hee hyah ha! I've never scared that many ponies before!" She flew off with a few more chuckles in search of more ponies to frighten.

I glared after her with a static shrug. "What the hell, man?" I asked after a pony who couldn't hear me.

Luna sighed with agitation. "Oh, our mistake. We had assumed they were ready to accept us, but that is obviously not the case."

I growled with my own agitation, as I just got Luna to stop worrying about this. Thoughts of revenge against Rainbow Dash could wait, because I needed to console our princess. Again. "Don't worry about it, Luna. They were just scared of that lightning."

Luna just looked at me. "Do you really think that?"

"I do. Ponies are easily frightened, especially by loud noises. These ponies'll run from the most innocuous of things."

Spike crossed his arms at me again. "Takes one to know one, right?"

"Well I'm not a pony right now, am I?" I asked with a sideways glare.

Luna hung her head. "Even so, We still cannot get over seeing our subjects running in fear. It's far too... familiar of a sight."

"You mean your time as Nightmare Moon." I assumed.

"It is a time we regret." Luna simply said. "We wish not to relive those days."

"Hey, no one's honestly holding them against you." I assured her. "It's all in the past now."

"Yet its effects still linger in the present." Luna argued. She sighed. "Perhaps we should be reminded of our mistakes. We have done much damage in our time as the Nightmare; we must not forget."

"That was a long time ago. You've made your amends, so it's time to move on."

Luna gazed hard into my eyes. There was no hostility, only heavy inspection. "Is there anything you regret, Twilight Sparkle?"

I held back a wince, but couldn't hide a deepening frown. "Yeah."

"Has making amends done anything to make you feel better about your mistake?"

I looked away. Luna didn't realize it, but she hit me pretty close. I haven't yet made my amends, and my actions still bled to that day. "...No. The wounds are still pretty fresh."

"Then you understand that no matter what we do, we always live with our actions."

I stood silent. There wasn't much I could say. What she said was ultimately true, and I couldn't argue.

Luna took my silence to mean our conversation had ended. "Perhaps it was a mistake to explore the town. We..." Luna's mouth twitched, as if struggling with some grammatical choice. "I think it would be best to have a calm evening indoors."

She didn't refer to herself in third person, which must have had some significance that was lost on me. I took it as a good sign. "You know what, yeah. Being outdoors kind of sucks. We should just stay in the library tonight."

"Lead the way, Twilight Sparkle."

I did so, for I wasn't really feeling it anymore. Adventure was overrated; I'd rather relax with a friend.

When we got back to the library with Luna, I stored my costume in the basement and reversed my transformation. Luna and Spike settled into some seats in the main room. I popped into the kitchen and returned with glasses of soda for the two of them. Glasses passed out, I levitated a book out of a shelf to retrieve a bottle I stashed back there.

"You hid alcohol behind a book?" Luna asked.

"Sure did." I placed the bottle on the floor and cast a spell on it. The glass misted up with frost.

"Weren't you worried somepony would find it when they borrow a book?"

"Nah, no one ever checks out Mathematical Calculations in the Application of Ritualistic Magic. It might as well be a book I own myself."

"I see. You've been keeping good track of which books are used."

I shrugged nonchalantly. "Not hard to do when it's literally your only responsibility." I took a sip of Mighty Mack's. Frosty.

I took a seat with them. I noticed Spike was giving both Luna and myself a few looks. He did that on our way back as well, but I couldn't exactly tell what it was he was doing. Drawing a connection maybe? It was hard to say.

Luna caught my attention with a little conversation, effectively distracting me from my concern with Spike for the time being. "So you haven't done much decorating for the holiday."

"Yeah, we haven't really bothered with that. Personally, I prefer to decorate my space with personal items. Take that statue in the corner for instance; I made that myself and I keep it around because I think it looks cool."

Luna turned to view the statue I mentioned. "Ah yes, a statue of a human. I take it you are fascinated by the species?"

"You could say that. I like the bipedal body structure, partly because it allows the use of two limbs for locomotion, reserving the others for manipulating the environment."

"And the other part?"

"It makes me feel tall."

Luna laughed at that. "I understand that sentiment well. Tell me, are you taller than my sister in that form?"

"Not quite. She's about my height."

"Truly a shame. I would love to stand over my sister. I would be the little sister no longer!"

I chuckled. "Well, you'd probably be a little taller than me if you had a human form. Wanna find out?"

"You can give me a human form? Interesting." Luna stood up. "I would like to see what it's like."

"Alright, I'll go get you a towel." I trotted up the stairs to find the bathroom.

"Um, why would I need a towel?" Luna asked.

"Just roll with it." Spike suggested. "She very adamant about covering up."

Luna presumably raised a curious eyebrow at that. "Is that why she wears those strange clothes of hers?"

"Yep."

I returned shortly with the towel in my magic and handed it over. Luna silently questioned why this was necessary, but she went with it and wrapped it around herself. My horn glowed with the requisite energy and did its work upon Luna. Her form shifted into the taller humanoid shape to which I'm familiar.

She swayed in her seat from a lack of balance. She caught herself on an armrest and took a moment to look over her changes. She wiggled her fingers experimentally, watching them with curiosity. "Intriguing. These extremities are much easier to move than I thought."

"Yeah, you get used to them. Now let's try standing; we wanted to see how tall you are."

With a nod, she unsteadily rose to her feet. She was a lot taller than me at the moment, but if I had to judge, I'd say she was the taller human. "Congratulations, you are at least taller than me."

"Ha, that's great! For once in my life, I am bigger than Celestia!" Luna began to laugh, but it was cut short when my spell lost power. She tumbled onto her back with a thud. "Ow! What the- Twilight, what happened?"

"Sorry, I only used enough power for the spell to last for two minutes."

Luna glared. "Why would you only use so little? I wanted to surprise my sister!"

"I could have used more, but you know, effort."

Luna's glared hardened. "You're too lazy for your own good."

"I used to get that a lot."

"Yeah, sure you did." Spike mumbled.

I glanced at him, but made no other move to acknowledge his statement. I used my levitation to help Luna to her hooves.

We decided shortly afterwards that a little game of Candyland would be a good way to pass the time. Does it take any imagination to know how this turned out for me? I lost in as spectacular a fashion as always. We used this time to catch up on current events, which went pretty well. Spike and I didn't do much that was interesting the past couple of days, so it was mostly Luna who had things to say about life in the castle. Some of the guards were apparently getting romantically involved to everyone's glee. Guess they all knew about it before they did. That was silly; how could other people know these two would be a couple before they knew themselves? How unrealistic, yet it happened. Glad I'd never have to deal with this stuff.

I drew a movement card, which depicted a single yellow square. I sighed with frustration and moved a single space on the board. For the tenth time in a row. Spike and Luna were so far ahead of me that the only way I could win was if I could cheat without getting caught. I wasn't about to take my chances, though. Luna doesn't strike me as the kind of pony who would take that lightly.

"Nice draw." Spike sarcastically complimented. "Maybe you'll get an orange square next."

As that meant I would only move one space again, this was clearly an insult. "Ha ha ha." I laughed flatly. "I hope you choke in the peanut forest, you marshmellow-roasting douche kazoo."

Luna laughed. "You have a way with words."

"Thanks, I need to have some kind of advantage." I thanked irritably.

Luna drew a card and smiled. "Well your advantage was for naught!" She moved her piece and counted along. "One, two, three, victory! Huzzah!"

Spike and I threw up our arms in dismay. "Aw!"

"Oh well, I wasn't going to win, anyway." I added.

"You never do." Spike said with a devious smile.

"I'm just in a rut. I'll win someday." I vowed.

With our game settled, I levitated every piece and card back into the box. I cast an easy conjuration spell and displaced it back where it belonged. At least, I think I did. I couldn't exactly see where it ended up, so it could have been in the ocean for all I knew.

"That was a surprisingly fun game." Luna said. "I'm glad we played it."

"So now what?" I asked, leaning back.

"We could play Dungeon Keeper." Spike suggested.

What, you mean that old computer game from the 90's? I didn't say anything to that effect, but I looked to Luna. "Sounds good to me. What do you think?"

"A game with that name must be pretty exciting. I say to bring it out!"

I unleashed another burst of magic and summoned the box from the basement. Thanks to magic, I didn't have to walk all the way to the basement to get stuff. Thanks, Conjuration!

We were halfway prepared to play the game, cards everywhere and board nearly set, when there was a knocking at the door. I stopped and looked at the door with hesitation. "Aw man, I hope that isn't a group of trick-or-treaters."

"It's a little past ten; I doubt anypony would let their foals stay out this late." Spike said.

"Yeah, but I still don't wanna answer the door." I gestured Spike towards the door. "You do it."

"You do it." Spike argued.

"But then I'd have to get up and greet them at the door! I was getting complacent in my motionless state at this table."

"Such laziness in my friends." Luna lamented. She opened the door slightly with her magic and crossed her forelegs. "You're welcome."

"Yeah, thanks."

A pink bundle of energy in the form of Pinkie Pie kicked the door and stepped in before it could shut in her face. She was wearing her serious face. "I'm here to take your virginity and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of gum."

I rolled my eyes. "Pfft, nice reference to They Live in 2015."

Pinkie tilted her head questioningly. "Wait, I thought I was referencing Duke Nukem."

"Who's Duke Nukem?" I asked.

Pinkie shrugged.

I shook my head. "Whatever, you can cool it with your act; we stopped celebrating Nightmare Night in here hours ago."

"Oh, okay." She took a moment to process that. "Why?"

I looked back at Luna, who was affected by recent events the most, but she was in disguise. I assume she meant to keep others from getting scared of her again, but all she was wearing was a fake mustache. I dunno, it might work. This is Pinkie Pie we're talking about. "Well, my friend was feeling a little down, so we retired within my library to wind down."

Pinkie hopped past me and right in Luna's face. "I'm sorry you feel down, Miss Mystery Mare, but you'll be a lot happier with lots of friends! Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie!"

"Er, I'm Moonbeam." Luna greeted.

"Welcome to Ponyville, Moonbeam! Why so down?" Pinkie asked with concern and head-aching suddenness.

Rather than having Luna be put on the spot, I decided to cut in. "I was talking about Luna. Luna was the one feeling down."

"Oh." Pinkie removed herself from Luna's vicinity, so we could have a more comfortable conversation. "What was wrong with Princess Luna?"

"Well, ponies kept compulsively bowing to her and making her uncomfortable. Then ponies started running from her when they saw her. That, when added with the screams to her face about Nightmare Moon, soured her opinion of the holiday. So we came back here and hung out for a while."

Pinkie scratched the back of her head nervously. "You were talking about me, weren't you?"

"Yeah, you were kind of the one screaming."

Her gaze drifted to the floor. "Oh, that's bad."

I patted her shoulder reassuringly. "If it makes you feel any better, she was feeling better when she..." I narrowed my eyes at disguised Luna. "...left."

Pinkie didn't catch on to my suspicions, so she settled on feeling a little relieved. Not by much, though. "That does make me feel a little better."

"Why'd you do that, anyway?"

Pinkie lowered her gaze again. "It's Nightmare Night; It's the time of year where everypony can have fun being scared and scaring others! I thought she would have a lot of fun if everypony got really scared of her."

I nodded in recognition and put a foreleg over her shoulders. "Look, Nightmare Moon is a pretty sore spot for Luna. Fear is just not something she wants to inspire. Maybe next year we could try to scare her instead?"

"Okay." Pinkie straightened herself. "Do you think I should tell her I'm sorry?"

"I'd say so."

"Alrighty then!" Pinkie trotted backwards to the door. "What kind of cake do you think she likes?"

I looked to Luna for an answer. "What do you think, Moonbeam?"

"Chocolate. With vanilla frosting!" She exclaimed, already excited by the thought of her apology cake.

"Right, what she said."

"Okie-doki! Thanks for the suggestions!" She hopped back out the still open door. "Bye bye!"

We waved as she left. I levitated the door shut and turned back to the table and its occupants. Luna had a cupcake with a single candle lit on it before her. Luna examined the cupcake while prying off her mustache. "Has this always been here?"

"Nah, Pinkie probably left it there when she was here." I answered.

Luna picked it up with uncertainty. "Are you sure? I don't remember her putting it here."

"Yeah, she does that."

Luna gave it a bit more thought, but mentally shrugged and bit the cupcake. "Mmm, this is good." She took another, more gleeful bite. "So, I was thinking."

"Always a good sign." I joked.

Luna glared playfully and continued. "As I was saying, the major reason ponies have been nervous around me is because I'm royalty, yes?"

"Sure."

"Well, if they saw not Princess Luna, but another common pony, they wouldn't be so nervous right?"

"I don't like where this is going, but yes."

"So what if I created a disguise with which I could assimilate into the public? I could mingle among the ponies with none of them the wiser!"

"It's a little short-sighted, if you ask me."

Luna paused and regarded me critically. "Please explain."

"Listen, there are a couple of pitfalls when living under a false identity that you'll never be prepared for. For starters, you'll have to be on your guard for every second you spend around everyone. It would get tiring and stressful. Then you'll have a few hangups about how often you need to lie about yourself. If you ever decide that you should come clean to your friends, you have to hope that they'll be forgiving. If they're not, they'll never forgive you. Even if they do accept you after all the acting, you'll have to live knowing that they'll never fully trust you. And after all that, you'll come to realize that they never liked you. They liked the act you put on, and any change from what they consider the norm will turn a few heads. So no, Luna, I don't like this idea. The nervous ponies and the incessant bowing would be preferable to a lifetime of lies and regret."

Luna let out an impressed breath. "That's a very thorough examination."

"I've had a lot of time to think about it." I explained. "You know, since I have little else to do." I hastily added.

"I see. Then I shall take your advice. It was a silly idea, anyway." She resumed eating her cupcake without a further word on the subject.

We finished setting up the game board to continue our board game marathon. Being one of those game that required one to control the entire board, I elected to run the game while Spike and Luna competed. I was fine with being in a position where I wouldn't be forced to lose because I can't roll higher than a three, and the two of them were equally matched in skill in the first place. I wasn't about to let this night be ruined by a little philosophic self-examination. I ran things intent on having a good time.

Old School Digs

Spike and I waved as Luna flew away to find her chariot. It was well past midnight, and we were getting tired. Spike and I set about to cleaning up our night's activities of snacks and board games I got too lazy to clean up earlier. Even advanced conjurative magics couldn't stop me from finding a way to be even lazier.

On that note, we got pretty close to finishing when the door slammed open one last time. I rolled my eyes expecting to see either Pinkie or Luna. Imagine my surprise when I saw someone else. Someone like Lyra.

Lyra looked frustrated. "There you are, Twilight! You've messed with me for the last time!"

"What? What'd I do?" I demanded.

"You know exactly what you did!" She accused. "Remember on that bench when you said you'd show me what a human looked like once you figured out the spell? Well you figured out the spell, and you didn't even try to show me!"

I only just remembered that. "Oh, right, that. Sorry I forgot about that."

Lyra took a deep breath. "It's fine, I didn't really expect you to remember. I've just had a bad night."

"No problem, I've dealt with worse."

"So, can I see it?"

I chuckled. "No problem,"

I already told her I'd show her anyway. At least I think I did. I don't remember our initial meeting all that well, so she might have been planting a suggestion in my head. Either way, it gave me an excuse to be in my human form more often, which was always a plus. I transformed myself into a human and stood tall before Lyra. "Now you see my true-"

Lyra interrupted me with a loud squee. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! You're totally a human!"

"Er, yes. This is what a human looks like."

Lyra hid a large grin behind her hooves. "Can... can I look at your hands?"

I thought about that for a moment. She was really excited about humans. I didn't really see any reason to deny her curiosity, I just thought it was weird. "Sure?"

I knelt down a little and held out my hand. Lyra wasted no time it snatching it and pulling it in for a closer look, nearly taking me off my feet. She had her back to me, so she didn't see me shoot Spike a questioning look. He shrugged back at me.

Lyra sat there in silent fascination of my hand for a short while. She turned it over a few times as if she was figuring out her favorite angle. I was getting anxious with all this scrutiny, to be honest. I was suddenly acutely aware that I haven't gotten my nails done.

A distraction of any kind would do, so I tried to ease my way into a different topic. "So, uh, you've just recently learned that I became a human, huh?"

"Yeah,"

"What about last week? I turned into a human in public then, but you didn't cause a ruckus."

"Yeah, that's because I was up in Canterlot for a few days."

Ah, now we were getting somewhere. "So what did you do up in our nation's capitol? Anything interesting?"

"Oh, you know, catching up with our friends."

I raised a brow. "Our friends?"

Lyra turned to me and nodded. "Yup. Minuette, Twinkleshine, and Lemon Hearts."

I blinked. "Really...?"

Lyra giggled at my confusion. "Yeah, we kinda figured you forgot about us. Ever since you left for Ponyville, we didn't really hear from you, so you must have moved on."

Oh my god.

Oh shit!

I was looking for a distraction, and I sure as hell found one. Twilight had friends back in Canterlot. If Twilight left just as I possessed her, and I never left Ponyville, then Twilight never got back to see her friends.

Her old friends thought she abandoned them. They only thought negative of Twilight for my own actions.

Lyra waved a hoof in front of my face. "Twilight? Are you alright?"

I blinked out of my trance. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

"You look a little dazed." Lyra said. "I guess you need to get some sleep, huh?"

"Yeah, that's probably it." I agreed, more to assure her than to actually agree.

Lyra stood to leave, finally giving me some personal space. "Okay, then I guess we can save this for later. You get some shut eye, Twilight."

"I'll be sure to do that." I said with a convincing smile.

We waved goodbye and she left the library. I shut the door behind her, returning to my pony form.

I lingered by the door, lost in thought. After all, I just learned of yet another way I fucked up. There were ponies back in Twilight's old home town that I left behind. What would happen if Twilight came back? Would she return to find her old friends disappointed in her for my own actions? Because I didn't know she had ponies that cared about her, and I forced her into abandoning them in my ignorance?

My lips trembled at the thought. It was bad enough that I was still here, but I kept finding new problems that were piling up.

I couldn't let that continue. I made too many mistakes as it was, and I wasn't going to let them fester. I could handle this. No matter how many mistakes I made, I would be sure to fix them all, starting with this one.

"So, are you just going to sit there all night?" Spike asked.

I looked back at Spike with determination. "Spike, get some sleep. We're going to Canterlot tomorrow morning."

Spike propped up his head on his armrest, bored of the train ride already. A two hour trip was pretty quick for reaching Canterlot, the capitol city of Equestria, but it was still two hours. He had little to do since he forgot to bring some reading material. At least he had ponies to talk to on the trip to Appleoosa, but that wasn't an option now because the only "pony" he could talk to was that blasted impostor.

Speaking of the impostor, he had quite a few thoughts running through his mind about it. He didn't really think too highly of its motivations for coming to Canterlot, especially after that conversation with Lyra. What could the impostor be planning for Twilight's old acquaintances? Spike could only guess that there would be a quick "trash disposal" in the near future, but that begged the question of why it was bringing him along. Did it want a witness? Why? Was it trying to send a message to Spike?

That didn't seem likely. It knew Spike was onto it for months, yet the only change in its behavior was an increased effort into being friendly. It could have dealt with Spike at any time and in any manner it wanted. Who could stop it from eating him if it really wanted to?

No, it wasn't going to try intimidating him. This creature of evil was too nice for that, oddly. So what was its goal? Perhaps it was bringing him along for directions to each of Twilight's friends' houses. If that were the case it would perfectly explain why it was bringing Spike along. But he knew where the impostor was going to be and when, which would make him a witness in case anything happened to them. The impostor played it well, but it was no fool; it wouldn't leave anything to chance like that.

So what was it going to do to Minuette, Twinkleshine, and Lemon Hearts? Past experience told Spike that the impostor would talk to them and get them to accept the new "Twilight". Having a wealth of allies is all well and good for infiltration, but it had no reason to expand its influence to these three random ponies in Canterlot. If it wanted to establish a foothold in Canterlot, this was a pointless endeavor; it already befriended Luna and Celestia, so it wouldn't need anypony else for whatever mission it was trying to accomplish. What was its real motive?

All Spike could figure was that the impostor would do something evil, but he didn't know what or why. Why bring attention to itself and confront ponies from Twilight's past when it was doing so well by staying isolated in Ponyville? None of this made sense from the perspective of a scheming infiltrator trying to play for power.

To top it all off, Spike couldn't stop thinking about what it had to say the other night. It spoke of lies and regret in regards to the very scheme it was pulling now. What did it care if its supposed friends didn't like it or not? It wasn't a pony. It was using them. It wouldn't ever risk the integrity of its disguise by telling the truth.

So what did it want to talk about on the day you met Zecora?

Spike grit his teeth and rubbed his forehead. None of this made any sense. If it was just trying to throw Spike off, it was doing a damn good job. It almost had him fooled that it was just some victim of circumstance that really wanted to tell the truth and fix things.

Almost.

No matter how convincing its acting may get, Spike would stay resolute. He was presently the only one capable of revealing the truth and saving Twilight. That speech on Nightmare Night, its kindness, its devotion; it was all a lie. It had to be.

I hardly noticed the train ride passing. My mind was so firmly set upon my goal that time held no meaning for me. Even with the city of Canterlot slowly approaching me from the window, it felt like we got there quickly.

That was good. I wanted to do this as soon as possible. Spike and I disembarked onto a crowded train station. Ponies around us hustled to and fro, boarding and leaving the train like any old day. The city itself was splendid to look at. Magnificent white walls with blended gold and indigo spires gave the city a grand, metropolitan feel. If Cloudsdale were the city of Rome, then Canterlot was Babylon. White brick buildings gave the royal city the splendor it deserved.

I spent little time gawking at the architecture, as I needed directions to a "friend's" house. Without some equivalent to the Yellow Pages, I needed someone who already knew where everyone was. Enter Spike the dragon.

"Okay Spike, you remember where Minuette lives?" I asked.

Spike scoffed. "How did I know that's what you were going to ask?"

"You know me well." I answered lightly.

Spike rolled his eyes. "Sure. She lives this way."

Spike walked down the street with me in tow. I didn't want to risk getting lost in this place. Not that I couldn't solve that problem easily with a Flight spell, but I couldn't risk losing Spike in the crowd. Well, I could solve that pretty easily, too. I just didn't want to go through that stuff, okay? It was just easier to get it right the first time.

We didn't speak the entire time we traveled, either to Canterlot or Minuette's house. Something was bothering Spike big time. He grit his teeth an awful lot on the way here, and he stole more than one glance my way. If I had to guess, he was getting frustrated with me. The longer I was around, the more agitated he was getting. All the more reason to hurry my goals along, huh?

With apologies to Spike, I needed to deal with one problem at a time. We were at Minuette's house already, and the first thing I needed to do was fix old bridges. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. I already dreaded what was sure to happen. When the door clicked open, I braced myself for whatever lashing I would take no matter how horrible.

The door slid open to reveal a light blue unicorn. Her mane was styled similar to Lyra's if it were dark blue and white. Her blue eyes shone with energy, which I feared would be directed my way in a most hateful fashion. She let in a large breath. "Twilight Sparkle?"

"Present?" I greeted nervously.

The pony I presumed to be Minuette smiled in a most excited and unexpected way. "Oh my goodness, it's been so long!"

"Six months or so." I couldn't help but say.

She giggled at the information. "Leave it to you to keep track of the time, huh?"

I laughed politely at the inside joke. "Yeah, leave it to me."

Minuette finished laughing, yet still kept that excited smile. "It's been way too long if you ask me! We hardly see each other anymore, you know? I thought you've forgotten about little old me!" I sighed and rose a hoof to say something about it, but she beat me to the punch with some more excited talking. "Hey, how about we go get lunch together with the others? It'll be just like old times, but with fewer books! Hopefully!"

This sounded very convenient. I had a great love for doing painful things as efficiently as possible, and talking to all of "my" old friends at once was pretty efficient. I smiled as genuinely as I could. "That sounds great."

Minuette smiled widely. "Great, let me call for them." She breathed in deeply and yelled as loud as she could. "Twinkleshine! Lemon Hearts! Let's do lunch!"

Two doors from neighboring houses opened at that moment. "Wait, they live right next door to you?" I asked.

"Yep! Cool, huh?"

And yet more convenient. I would have said something to that effect had the other two not already involved themselves, starting with Twinkleshine (who was the light beige coated, pink maned unicorn). She began with a gasp. "Twilight, is that really you?"

On my other side, Lemon Hearts (the yellow coated, teal maned unicorn) broke in. "Oh my gosh, it is! Wow, and you're so buff from last time!"

I looked down at my body. "Oh, yeah, I got into weight lifting while I was away."

"We can tell!" Twinkleshine complimented. "I bet you don't need your magic to carry your books around anymore!"

While I never did, I figured it was best to play along. "Nope! All I need is a saddlebag of lesser to greater quality, and I'm good to go."

They all giggled, and Lemon Hearts asked, "So does your visit mean you're joining us to lunch?"

"That's right." I nodded.

Lemon chuckled beside me. "Sounds like it'll be just like old times, but without the books!"

"Uh, Minuette beat you to that particular joke." I informed her.

"Sure did!" Minuette said in corroboration.

Lemon fake pouted. "Aw, and here I thought I was being clever."

"It was, but Minuette got to me first."

Twinkleshine giggled and raised the first pertinent question so far. "So where were we going to eat, that old donut place?"

"Donuts are cool and all, but I'm way hungrier than that." I said.

"How about that pizza place? Their Manehatten-style pizzas are sooo good." Minuette suggested.

"Pizza works."

"Cool, you remember the way?"

"... No."

The group giggled some more. "That's alright, Twilight, you haven't been around for a while. Come on, we'll show you the way." Twinkleshine invited with a wave.

We all started walking down the street towards some reportedly good pizza. I'm not sure if the others noticed Spike or not. He followed me silently, and his presence was almost imperceptible. He still seemed a little upset, so I figured I would at least thank him properly for showing me the way there. Unlike the other three, Spike was one person I wasn't going to forget, intentionally or not.

Author's Note

Promotional consideration brought to you by pizza. Not any particular restaurant, just pizza.

Moons Don't Dance, They Scowl

Spike, Minuette, Twinkleshine, Lemon Hearts, and I entered a building with a red, green and white sign. It looked exactly like the Italian flag designs I saw back home. As for how the building looked, just imagine as stereotypical a small town pizza parlor as you can. Congratulations, you just imagined what this place looked like, just with ponies. Modest wooden tables and chairs were littered around the room. There was a wooden counter on the other end manned by a stallion in a hat with an identical design to the sign out front. A menu showing the food and drink options being offered hung behind the counter. It looked just like any pizza parlor I've ever been to.

We approached the counter to view the menu. The Manehatten style pizza was featured prominently, boasting of fresh onions, olives, peppers, five kinds of cheese, and really thin crust. It sounded pretty good. I mean, I could have done with some pepperoni or something, but I doubted asking for meat would have done me any favors.

"Alright, how many slices could each of you handle?" I asked the group.

"I could have three!" Minuette excitedly boasted.

"Two, myself." Lemon Hearts said.

"I'm only going to have one. I really need to watch my diet." Twinkleshine lamented.

I looked to Spike. It took him a moment to get what my look was for. "Oh, uh, two I guess."

"Hmm, alright then." I stepped up to the counter. "We'll take two Manehatten style pizzas, a Colossal Hero, and a two liter soda."

"Coming right up!" The stallion went through a door on the back wall, presumably where the kitchen was.

The three other mares looked at me oddly. "I get the pizzas, but what's the hoagie for? Saving it for dinner?" Minuette asked.

"No, I'm going to eat it now."

They stared at me for a moment. "Uh, are you sure you can eat that much?" Lemon asked.

"Listen," I summoned a bag of bits and placed it on the counter just as our food came out. Gotta admit, this was fast service. "When I say I can eat a whole pizza and a sandwich the size of my head, I mean it."

They gave each other doubtful looks and turned to Spike for confirmation. He nodded. "Yeah, she does."

We took our seats and divvied up the food. I took the first bite out of my huge sandwich, enjoying the copious toasted tomatoes, lettuce, and cheese. Oh goodness, it was good. I took another bite. Ranch sauce trailed down my mouth, so I looked around for a napkin. They were fresh out. I suppose I could have turned around and levitated a napkin from a nearby table, but that sounded like effort. I summoned a box of them from my basement and used those instead. Mouth now clean, I wasted no time in grabbing a slice of pizza.

I took a few bites of the slice before I looked up to realize the looks I was receiving from the others (save a disinterested Spike). It's like they were witnessing some kind of spectacle. "What?" I asked with half a mouthful of pizza lodged in my gob.

"Heh heh, you're a pretty messy eater, Twilight." Minuette noted.

I shrugged and took another bite from my hoagie. I think their further deepening expressions was from me sampling both my sandwich and pizza at the same time.

"So," Twinkleshine began, trying to hide her apprehension of my appetite. "I guess you aren't too worried about your figure, huh?"

I gulped down a bunch of my food with some soda. "Not really. I've been eating a lot more cake and ice cream since I got to Ponyville. It's not like fat will be much of an issue, since I go on five kilometer runs every day. I also got a weight set at my place, and I read somewhere that magic burns calories. I've been using a lot of that, too."

"I never figured you were into exercise, Twilight." Minuette said, only just now taking a third bite of pizza.

"Once I moved to Ponyville, yeah." I took my tenth bite of food.

Their expressions fell slightly. "So how has Ponyville been to you?" Lemon asked. Her voice sounded a little off.

I was going to guess that they still felt a little sore about my leave. Okay, I just needed to keep everything together. I'd try to avoid saying anything that might upset them and keep spirits up. When the time was right, I'd apologize. I shrugged with forced nonchalance. "It's been pretty good. Good ponies, the occasional royal mandate to confront danger, great nightlife; it's got it all."

Lemon Hearts smiled at the change in tone. "Liking it there, huh? Lyra likes it, too. Did she tell you she found a mare she likes?"

"News to me." I said. "Who's the lucky mare she fancies?"

"A pony named Bon Bon."

Huh, that name was weird even by pony standards. I could be wrong, but it sounded like a fake name. "Candy maker?"

"Yeah, good guess!"

Sure, a guess. If only it weren't for pony names being informative of their professions. Minuette spoke up with an excited query. "Did you meet anypony you like, Twilight?"

"Nope." I answered easily.

Twinkleshine gave an exaggerated sigh. "Oh well, maybe you'll find somepony who can get you interested in more than books someday."

I raised an inquisitive brow. "What makes you think I'm only interested in books anymore?"

"So you did find somepony." Minuette teased.

I didn't find any romantic interests, but I did have a few reasons to leave the house. "I met a few ponies down there I like platonically." I cut myself short there, as to not bring up my friendships apart from these three.

"Must be some good friends." Twinkleshine noted idly, picking some of the toppings off her pizza slice.

I noticed her tone was a bit flat. The way I saw it, her reaction to bringing up my friends in Ponyville indicated either jealousy or disappointment. That could mean anything from jealousy for my Ponyville friends keeping my attention to ire about my neglect.

As if it weren't bad enough I was doing that with Spike not too long ago, now I had three others with the same problem. Just how many ponies have I been hurting since I came into the picture? It was a sobering thought.

Minuette placed a consoling hoof on Twinkleshine's shoulder. "Hey, let's not go getting ourselves down. Let's try to have a good time!"

I lowered my head and held up a hoof for pause. "Actually, I came back to Canterlot because I needed to talk to you all."

My shift from casual to serious caught their attention. "Twilight?"

"I haven't been a very good friend to you." I began, crossing my hooves on the table. "When I left for the Summer Sun Celebration, I said nothing about my move. As far as you knew, I'd disappeared. It's only when I spoke to Lyra recently that I realized who I left behind. Girls, I'm sorry it took me this long to come back or, hell, say anything."

The girls looked among themselves for a moment, then laughed. I shot my eyes between them, since I really didn't expect this kind of reaction from an apology.

"Oh Twilight," Minuette began. "You came all this way just to apologize?"

"Well, yeah." I muttered. "I mean, I paid for lunch and everything..."

"And thanks for that, but we really weren't that mad!" Lemon said.

"Really?"

"Well, it kinda hurt when we found out you left and didn't say anything." Twinkleshine admitted. "But I'll admit that we weren't all that close in the first place. I guess it's alright."

All these ponies smiled at me, but that only confused me more. "That's it? We're friends again just like that?"

"Yep! Just like that!" Minuette cheered.

I sunk back into my chair with bemusement. "That was pretty fast."

Lemon chuckled at my expression. "Well, you were reading books a lot, so you probably didn't realize just how forgiving we are."

No doubt. But that wasn't the end of it, because Minuette brightened with another idea. "Hey, we should get Moondancer!"

I raised an inquisitive eyebrow and impulsively asked, "Moondancer?"

"Yeah! You know, the other unicorn!" I looked upon everyone's horns. They were all unicorns. Minuette continued, "I bet she'll be happy to see you!"

I let out a chuckle for appearances and played along. "Good idea! We should get back together with her as well."

"Great, let's get going!" The others, including Spike, got up and walked to the exit.

I watched them with even more bemusement. "What? But I haven't even finished my sandwich!"

We walked down the street towards the Canterlot Stadium. Moondancer apparently lived nearby. Foot traffic was comparatively sparse from the morning, so it wasn't difficult to go anywhere. We passed by a university campus.

"Hey, our old science lab is over there!" Twinkleshine pointed towards the foremost building.

I looked towards the grand, three story building. The compass rose crest over the entrance beckoned with its glaring reflection, doors flanked by rose colored tapestries adorned with a purple diamond on each. It gave me the impression of a high class university meant only for the elite. I've never seen an educational structure that nice, even in pictures.

Minuette tried to stifle a giggle. "Remember that time Lemon got her head stuck in a flask?"

Lemon glared softly at their laughs. Since I was supposedly there when it happened, I forced a polite chuckle. "Yeah, I remember that. That was pretty wild."

We continued on our way after that with some more chuckles and suppressed groans, but seeing that building and hearing that anecdote really got to me. Twilight Sparkle had a great life. She was the personally chosen student of the nation's sovereign ruler, had a loyal little brother, attended a great school (presumably with high honors, if the Princess selected her), and good friends. Seeing bits of Twilight's life like this brought my life into contrast. I've never been to college. I didn't have any friends.

Twilight's life was perfect; I was just some punk along for the ride. Why was I even here? Twilight deserved so much better than my intervention. All I could really do at this point was limit the damage I did and end it all as soon as possible.

Speaking of which, we arrived at a building they assured me belonged to Moondancer. "Are you sure this is the place?" I only asked because I couldn't imagine anyone associated with Twilight living in a building with paint chipping off. You could see the grey under the once beige house. The windows were cracked and the lawn was unkempt. I figured everyone around Twilight would live lives about as picturesque as her.

"Yeah, I guess she's been letting herself go." Lemon opened the front gate to Moondancer's place, the door creaking loudly on its hinges.

She must be, if the rats are using bits of limestone as dinner tables in her yard. The rats were nice and all, waving hello over a lunch of peanut butter crackers, but their presence made me uneasy. Perhaps Moondancer was as much an animal person as Fluttershy? Or, more likely, this was a bad sign of things to come.

The others pushed me forward, encouraging me to knock. With a roll of my shoulders, I knocked.

One.

Two.

Three.

Was anyone home? I knocked again to be sure.

One.

Two.

The door opened, finally. An irritated beige pony stood in the doorway, with her strawberry pink mane tied up. I figured it was supposed to be a bun, but she didn't have enough hair to pull it off, so it was just a mess of hair in a band. She looked kinda familiar. Maybe it had something to do with the way she styled the back of her mane? Come to think of it, she did look like me if I was wearing glasses.

This mare, probably Moondancer, took one look at me before scowling. "What do you want?"

Yeah, that was a lot more sour of a reception than the others. Still, if there was one skill I had that could help, it was speech. "Hey Moondancer, it's been a while."

"Seven months and six days."

I laughed nervously. "That long, huh? How have you been?"

"Go away, I'm busy." She slammed the door.

I stood there in silent contemplation. Looks like I had to work at it this time around. Minuette, Lemon Hearts, and Twinkleshine were easy, but it looked like Moondancer was still sore.

Minuette laughed with forced exuberance. "Yeah, she's been doing that a lot."

I hung my head. "So I made her like this."

"Hey, don't go blaming yourself on this." Twinkleshine said in consolation.

"Tell me, did she start doing this when I left?"

"Well, yeah, but..." She trailed off, not sure how to argue.

"Then I am responsible." I concluded. "I've made a mess of things, and it falls on me to fix it." With a sigh, I turned down the path and walked. "I'll see you girls around."

Lemon called after me. "Wait, where are you going?"

"I'm booking a motel; I could be here for a while!"

Spike rushed up next to me, and we left together.

There was only one motel anywhere near Canterlot; just outside of it. It was a raggedy place, with torn window dressings and dirty walls. There was a conspicuous brown puddle leading into the office. I don't even want to guess what's in that puddle, and that big crack in the wall wasn't doing this place any favors. One of the occupied rooms couldn't contain a loud argument about greeting cards. Neither Spike or myself looked upon it with any hope.

"Uh... are you sure you wanna sleep here?" Spike asked apprehensively.

"I hope that means you have a better idea."

"Yeah, a whole bunch. For starters, we could sleep in an alleyway."

I chuckled lamely. "We're getting better. Anything else?"

"You know what, let's just go to Twilight's old tower."

I noticed Spike's odd use of Twilight's name. Why did he do that all of a sudden? Is he trying to trip me up? I did my best to ignore it. "That sounds good. Lead the way."

So we walked back into the city and went to some residential area. The tower we were looking for was in the classier side of town, where all the towers and ornate buildings were. Figures that Twilight lived in the tallest one. With a gold spire and spiral staircase leading to the top, it was the envy of the neighborhood. Well maintained flowers streamed off the edges with azure beauty in the shrinking daylight. Sultans could suck it, this place ruled!

I kept my glee in check as I looked over our place of temporary residence. "Home sweet home."

"Something like that." Spike said, wasting no time on walking through the ground floor entrance.

The door was already open when we came in. I initially worried that the place was robbed in Twilight's absence, but that was before I saw the interior. There was nothing in there worth stealing, for all was books. Nearly every wall was a bookshelf stuffed with knowledge. There was a couch, there was a table, and there was a giant hourglass. None of those things were apparently worth taking in seven months. Everything was covered with either dust or spider webs.

We went to the top floor, finally finding a room with a bed. A lectern stood alone by the balcony door, holding an open book. It looked like Twilight left this place while in the middle of something. I stepped forward to investigate the book, but I kicked a torn package. It was wrapped for someone's birthday or maybe Hearth's Warming, but what really caught my interest was the punctured teddy bear right next to it.

Spike stepped over and gazed upon the items. "Hey, it's the gift I got for Moondancer." Spike smiled in reverie. "Moondancer was having a birthday party, so I got her a teddy bear." He chuckled and thought. "It seems so long ago when I was taking it to Moondancer's party, then Twilight bust in through the door and my tail went through it. She was so worried about Nightmare Moon that nothing we said could calm her down. Even the princess couldn't change her mind about what that book said." He shook his head. "Turns out she was right, huh?"

I forced my gaze away from Spike. I really wished Spike wouldn't start talking about Twilight; my mind was already tumultuous as it was. I instead looked around the room, looking for some kind of distraction. There were none. There weren't even any personal effects, like pictures of decorations. Everything in this tower was either related to books or sleep.

In Twilight's home, she didn't even need personal items. Her family likely lived in Canterlot as well, so considering them and her friends, I guess Twilight didn't really need any pictures of her personal life. Why would she? She was living the dream day after day.

Of course, she was marching off to fight Nightmare Moon in the end. That's when I stepped in and ruined everything. Hell, I bet Twilight would have handled the Summer Sun Celebration better than I did. Would a smart girl like her have had any trouble finding the Elements of Harmony? Doubtfully. When I stop to think about it, I stole more than her life: I stole her legacy.

I sighed and levitated up the broken teddy bear. I put all its fluff into its little hole and prepared a spell. The glow of my magic fixed the seams, restoring the teddy bear to its rightful glory. I replaced its missing eye with lavender magic, and admired my efforts. That day it was just a teddy bear, but the next day I swore to restore Twilight's friendships.

Eventually, I could do the same for her.

Author's Note

Tell me that doesn't remind you of the Sultan's Palace from Aladdin.

Berated Elation

It was morning in the nation's capital, where Spike and I stood outside Moondancer's home. It didn't look much better than the previous day, but I wasn't really expecting anything else. Today was the last chance I had before I had to go back to Ponyville. Damned librarian duties...

"Sure you want to stick around for this? Moondancer won't be very welcoming." I warned Spike.

He shrugged. "I want to see where this goes."

As good an answer as that was, he probably wasn't ready for this. I know I wasn't. Still, I had to try. I stepped forward with a deep breath and knocked on the door. The wood chipped a little. I couldn't be sure if it was because the house was just that poorly maintained or if I was stronger than I thought. Note to self: pull your punches.

I waited patiently for an answer to the door. My patience was rewarded when Moondancer opened the door as irritably as before. She rolled her eyes when she saw me and shut the door again.

I knocked.

The door cracked open with Moondancer glaring through. "Take a hint and go away!" She shut the door.

I knocked.

A sigh sounded from the other side. The door opened again. "Hi Moondancer, how's it going?" I asked.

"Just fine until you started bothering me." She shut it again.

I knocked. I wondered how many times we'd have to do this.

A groan. The door was flung open by the seething mare. "Stop bothering me!" She slammed the door.

I knocked. Maybe this wasn't such a good plan.

The door cracked open, just barely showing Moondancer grinding her teeth. "What?"

"You got a minute? I feel we need to talk."

Moondancer took a moment to gather her thoughts. "If we do, will you leave me alone afterwards?"

"Maybe."

She narrowed her eyes. "Fine." She opened the door all the way and stood in the door way. "What is it?"

"I just wanted to catch up on my old friend." Awkward pause. "So how are you doing?"

Moondancer didn't hide her disdain. "Same as one minute ago: fine until you showed up."

"That's good." I said, ignoring the barb. "What have you been up to lately?"

"Studying, which you just interrupted."

"Oh, what have you been studying?"

"Magic."

I paused to see if she would elaborate. Turns out Moondancer isn't the kind of girl to go off on topics of interest. "...What kind of magic? Anything practical?"

"Theoretical."

"Ah, theoretical magic. Where would practical magic be without the philosophers of old, eh?"

"Are you done yet?'

I chewed my lip to suppress any adverse reaction, doing my best to keep an uneasy smile. "Not quite. Did you know that Astral Star's observations of star patterns revolutionized modern divination? Great stuff!"

Moondancer said nothing, just letting the intensifying sneer do the talking.

I sighed. The time for beating around the bush was over. "I'm sorry, Moondancer."

"For what?" She demanded. She wanted me to admit out loud what I did wrong.

My response was solemn. "For leaving you behind. For missing your party. Hurting you."

Moondancer scoffed. "Please, do you really think you alone were so important that I would isolate myself because you missed out on some stupid party? Don't be so full of yourself, Twilight."

"That's when it started, isn't it?" I countered. "It wasn't until I left that you figured you could do without friends."

Moondancer didn't meet my eyes, but conceded. "That's when it became apparent, yes. If you didn't need friends, then why would I?"

"Because I was wrong. Without my friends, life was barely worth living."

Moondancer leveled her gaze at me. "Don't be so dramatic; everything's been just fine since you left. If you haven't noticed, the sun is still shining and Canterlot hasn't burned in your absence. Friendship isn't some magical force that keeps Equestria standing."

"Heh heh..." I wasn't too keen on correcting her about that with how we defeated Nightmare Moon. "Well I guess you're right about that, but it still matters when I hurt someone's feelings."

"Oh really? And you don't have something better to do this time?" Moondancer asked irritably.

"No, this is very important."

"Yeah, and what was so important last time that you ditched me for seven months?"

Fortunately, Spike told me just the other day. "Princess Celestia sent me to Ponyville for the Summer Sun Celebration that day. When I left, it didn't even occur to me that I was missing out on time with you. Ever since I got there, time has just been passing me by, and it got harder to come back."

She snorted. "The princess, huh? What a handy excuse for such a precious pony."

"I really should have said something earlier."

"Yes, you should have."

"I'm really sorry."

Moondancer and I held our gazes for a long moment before she sighed. "Fine, come on in."

I smiled at the small bit of progress. "Thank you."

She ushered us inside, but the inside was weird. An entire wall was covered with books. There was no bookshelf. It was just a wall of books stacked precariously against an actual wall. Well, I guessed there was a wall behind the books. It was hard to tell because of how densely stacked the books were. It was admittedly impressive.

There was a table covered in assorted parchment and inkwells. There was only one chair. The other walls that I could see were bare. The only really notable things in there were the wall of books and the messy table.

"Make yourself comfortable. Take a... the seat. Want a drink? I have water." Moondancer offered.

"Uh, I guess I'll take a water."

Moondancer nodded and walked past the book wall. I looked at the lone chair. "You can take the chair, Spike."

"Alright." He hopped onto it. Only his eyes were visible above the table.

I practiced a bit of conjuration and summoned a mostly transparent chair to sit on. With seat taken, I waited patiently on Moondancer.

For about one second before I looked at the wall of books again. Seriously, that thing was wider at the top than at the bottom! How was it standing? I felt like removing a single tome would make the whole thing crash down.

Moondancer came back with a glass and two Styrofoam cups. She passed the cups to us. "What's wrong?" She asked, noticing my examination.

"I'm sorry, but the asymmetry of those books just bothers me." I shot the books one last scrutinizing glare and turned back to the present company. I saw Spike shiver a little.

Moondancer didn't seem to notice when she propped herself against the table. I courteously summoned an extra chair for her. She raised an eyebrow for a question, and I answered with a shrug. She took her seat. "So what exactly have you been doing for all this time?"

"Mostly research." I said. "I'm trying to get a hold of conjuration right now. Summoning things is a pretty handy trick, you know."

"So I see." Moondancer shifted in her chair. "Have you been able to summon anything else, or..."

"This is the best I can do. Unless you need some napkins?"

"No thanks."

"Suit yourself. How about you? Have you done anything interesting?"

She stole a glance at the book wall. "Oh, you know, reading. Mostly." Her head tottered. "Exclusively."

"Did you read anything interesting? At least one of these books has to be good."

Moondancer shot me one of those weird looks. "They're books; they're always good."

"You haven't read Wuthering Heights."

"What's that about?"

"Dicks and idiots. You wouldn't like it."

Moondancer was unsure, but didn't argue. "Okay, but I've been reading about magic and science. Non-fiction."

"What, no sci-fi? You're killing me here."

Moondancer's eyes narrowed the slightest bit at that. "I've never been into fiction. You should know that."

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry." Who reads books but never reads fiction? Freaking ponies, man. "I've just found that broadening my horizons has been very rewarding."

"Like moving to a new town?" Moondancer asked bitterly.

"No!" I denied quickly. "I mean, expanding my interests has opened my mind to new things. For one thing, I've really gotten into exercise."

"I've noticed," Moondancer looked down at my forelegs. "But I've never figured you'd get into body-building. Why did you do it?"

"I can lift your table easily; that's its own reward."

"Functionality, huh?" Moondancer's face turned inquisitive. "That's odd, I could have sworn you were more into theoretical magic, like me."

I shrugged through my diminishing cover. "What can I say? I've been getting more active."

"Strange how that became the case when you left." Moondancer noted suspiciously.

She was leading me somewhere, but I couldn't tell where just yet. "I've done a little soul-searching." Sometimes literally. "Things in Ponyville can get pretty hectic, and I needed a change in pace. I guess the change stuck."

"How does it get hectic?"

"Did you happen to hear any news about an Ursa Minor attack?"

"No..."

"Ah, well an Ursa was led into Ponyville one day, and I was the only one who could take care of it."

Moondancer leaned in with interest. "Really? How did you handle it?"

"Sleep spell."

She slumped with disappointment. "That's it? You didn't have some large scale battle, or use environmental variables to lull it to sleep? You just used a single spell?"

"By this point in my life, I just think everyone wants to make things more complicated than they need to be."

"But that sounds like its barely even a nuisance to you! How can that possibly be hectic?"

"Oh, you want something really hectic? How about this time we had to negotiate with a dragon on top of a mountain?"

"What, did you talk things out like adults?"

"Surprisingly, no. That guy turned out to be a douche. I tried giving him an incentive to leave, but he just took my money and threw me against a rock. Joke's on him, I stole a piece of his hoard."

"Then how did you deal with the dragon?"

"I didn't do anything. It was Fluttershy who gave him what for."

"Who's Fluttershy?"

"Oh, Fluttershy is one of my friends from Ponyville."

Moondancer's tone took a turn for the critical. "You made friends in Ponyville?"

"Yeah,"

Moondancer glowered. "You mean to tell me that you left Canterlot to make friends elsewhere?"

Her rising temper caught me off guard. "Wait, Moondancer..."

"I can't believe you replaced me!" She accused loudly. "You ditched me in Canterlot, leaving me alone, just so you could find ponies who were as special as you?" Her horn lit up, picking me and Spike up. "Well if you can ditch me, then I can throw you out!"

True to her word, she threw us out onto her lawn. She didn't really hurt us, but she yelled at us one more time. "And stay out of my life!" She slammed the door one more time, this time for good.

I sighed. It was a mistake to bring up my friends. I was making so much progress, too, yet it was all thrown away.

I was having a great day.

"So, was that why you didn't want me here?" Spike asked.

I chuckled beside myself at the question. "Yeah, that's pretty much it." I stood up and brushed myself off. "I think we're done here. Let's get going."

"Where?"

"I don't know. Maybe an ice cream parlor, maybe a book store. Let's just get out of here."

We stopped at a bookstore first. We checked out with a few comics and a novel I got for myself: Sword of Chaos. How could I resist the lure of a story about dark forces and sword fighting? It could make for a nice fantasy story at least.

Wait, the fantasy genre was always heavy into magic back on Earth. Can it really be called "fantasy" in a world where magic is commonplace, or is it just an adventure story?

I levitated our purchases down the street as we looked for something else to do while we were in town. We found that ice cream parlor I was hoping to find. We wasted no time in going inside to spoil ourselves with mint chocolate chip and birthday cake ice cream. FYI, I got the cake flavor. I dunno, for some reason, I was just really into the taste of cake.

"So, this was quite a day." Spike said after a few licks.

"Yep, nothing beats the healing effect of getting a new action story and something sweet after disappointment." I bit into my ice cream delicately and savored an entire chunk. "Are you sure you wanted a romance comic, though? That doesn't seem to be your thing."

"I got a few superhero comics, too." He protested. "It's not like I'm going soft."

I shrugged. "I know, it's just that you've never gone for it before."

He closed his eyes with a frown. "I just want to try it."

Minutes passed in silence. Between our pre-lunch ice cream and the strained relationship between us, we weren't feeling very talkative.

As we neared the halfway point of our ice cream cones, the door bell rung. We wouldn't have paid much attention to it if the newcomer hadn't approached us. "Twilight, Spike! Fancy seeing you here!"

We turned curiously to the recent arrival. "Oh, hey Minuette. You came for ice cream, too?"

"Nah, I'm here to pass these out." She levitated a piece of paper to me.

I caught it in my telekinesis and looked it over. It was a coupon: ten percent off my next dental check up. "Uh, thanks. You do this a lot?"

"Every Sunday!"

With a nod, I poofed the coupon to wherever I was keeping miscellaneous crap I teleported away. I still haven't checked if it was all going to my basement like I intended. "Sounds like fun."

"It is; I especially like the reactions from the foals." Minuette chuckled. "So how about you? Did you talk to Moondancer, yet?"

"Yeah," I went back to eating my ice cream, hoping she wouldn't press further.

She did. "How'd that go?"

I levitated my ice cream back over the table, keeping it aside for a conversation. "Not very well. She basically had me excommunicated because she's under the impression that I replaced her with new friends."

"That's not true; you came back, after all!"

"She doesn't see it that way." A thought occurred to me. "Hey Minuette, did I use to bring up Princess Celestia a lot?"

Minuette thought well on the matter. "Not really. You only ever brought her up when you were worried something was going wrong. Like this one time, in Alchemy, you accidentally made a sleeping gas potion that put everyone to sleep, you woke up later that day having an episode about having the princess send you back a grade!" Minuette laughed. "That was a good day; we got excused from so many classes."

I smirked at the story. "I can't believe I used to be such a worry-wort."

"Why bring up the princess, though?"

"I just thought that I might have gotten overzealous in trying to impress her and in doing so alienating myself to my peers." I internally laughed about it. Of course Twilight wouldn't be the kind of pony to brag about her connections. "What about Moondancer, though? What was it like being around her?"

"Quiet most of the time. She only really spoke to you, usually about one thing or another from your books."

"Didn't she ever hang out with you or the others?"

"We invited her to hang out a lot, but she never said yes." She laughed sheepishly. "We decided to hang out around her, instead. She warmed up to us eventually. Before you left, she was actually talking to us. She's really nice when you get to know her, you know?"

Gee, thanks for reminding me of the damage I did, Minuette. Still, it's a shame that Moondancer was shutting herself away from others like that. She really should reconnect with her friends, even if Twilight couldn't be among them.

I dropped my ice cream and shot to my hooves. "I got it! I understand what I need to do!"

The other two were startled at my sudden exclamation. "What is it you need to do?"

"Minuette, are the others available?"

"Um, yes, but..."

"Good, it's time to remind her of what she lost." I trotted with determination towards the door.

Minuette called to me, stopping me before I could leave. "Wait, what do we need to do?"

"Get them to Moondancer's house. We need to talk to her one more time together." I pushed to door open.

"Wait, Twilight!"

I turned back to Minuette. "What now?"

"Don't forget your book."

I sighed. "Right, thanks." I returned to the table and observed my book. To my horror, I dropped my ice cream cone on it. "Aw, fuck!"

"Oh, I'm really sorry, Twilight." Minuette said in consolation.

I wiped the cover off with a napkin. The ice cream soaked into the cover. With few options left, I morphed the color of the stains to match the book's original color. I looked over it and sighed with a grimace. "I guess this will do."

"It looks fine; why are you so upset about it now?" Spike asked.

I gave him a sideways look. "Because I'll always know."

Spike winced at the answer, but I had a feeling it had nothing to do with my sharp tone. I sighed again. "Sorry, Spike. Let's just get going. We need to make a quick stop back at the tower."

Spike and I waited by Moondancer's house, seated on a convenient bench that I happened to conjure. Spike was getting impatient. "So what are we waiting for? I thought we were going to be confronting Moondancer again."

"In a moment, we're still waiting on the others." I explained. "If they're here too, that will maximize our chances of success."

"And what exactly are we trying to do?"

"We're trying to help Moondancer."

"You think she'll listen to whatever you're going to say?"

"I hope so." I shifted anxiously, looking down the street.

I saw them approaching. Minuette, Lemon Hearts, and Twinkleshine were just a minute down the road. Now was the perfect time to act. I threw on my saddlebag and walked over to the house.

I took a deep breath and knocked. It was do or die.

An audible groan sounded from the other side. "Let me guess..." An annoyed Moondancer mumbled from within. The door cracked open with her predictable frown. "Oh boy, I was right."

She tried to shut the door again, but I shot my hoof out and caught it before it latched shut. "Moondancer, listen."

"I told you to go away, like, five times! I thought you were smart enough to figure that out!" She pulled the door back and slammed it hard against my hoof.

I winced at the impact, figuring it was going to leave a bruise later, but I refused to yield. "We need to talk one last time. After this, I promise I'll leave you alone for good, okay?"

Moondancer glared at me. "You're not going to give me a choice, are you?"

"Sorry,"

She sighed and looked past me. "What are they doing here?"

I looked back and noted that it was the others. Just as I hoped. "Moondancer, I know that we're not friends, anymore. If you won't accept my apology, I understand. But I have a little advice for you: don't give up on friendship. Just because I was a bad friend doesn't mean you can't find somepony better." I pointed back at the other mares. "They are your friends. They stuck with you when I left. Don't you remember what it was like being with them?"

"Yeah! Remember when we were partnered on a presentation together?" Twinkleshine reminded. "We spent all night poring through books and setting up our backboard. We shared carrots and crackers while we worked."

"Oh, or that time we couldn't find that book in the library you wanted! We went to every bookstore in Canterlot just to find it." Lemon recalled.

Minuette chuckled. "I remember when you had that dentist's appointment. You were so nervous about it, so I went with you. You got so self-conscious about your braces that we spent the rest of the day behind the library, finding new books to read together."

I smiled at their recollection of past events. This was exactly what I needed to happen. "You still have three good friends with you, Moondancer. Don't do to them what I did to you. Get some pizza and ice cream with them, go shopping, and spend some time with ponies who will always be there for you."

Moondancer lowered her head in silence. Since she wasn't saying anything, I made one last move. I floated a red box out to Moonancer. "Here, we were going to give this to you before we left. I know it's a little late, but I think you should have it."

Moondancer grasped it in her magic, looking to me for my reaction. I nodded for her to open it. She removed the lid and removed its contents, letting the packaging fall to the ground. There was something about that little teddy bear that caught her attention, keeping her still and staring.

"Well, a promise is a promise. Just think about your friends, okay? If we can't be friends, then at least consider them. Come on, Spike." I waved for Spike to follow me and walked past the others, who stepped aside for me to pass.

"Wait, Twilight."

I stopped and turned back to Moondancer. "Yes?"

She put the bear aside. "Why did you come back, really?"

"To apologize and reconnect with my friends."

I noticed a tiny glint past her glasses. "Even after what you did, you still came to face us?"

"I hurt my friends. I had to come back."

Her mouth quivered. "So you really do care, huh?"

"I do."

She lowered her head again, a wet line trailing down her face. "... I want to go back to the way things were. Could we all really be friends again?"

I faced her fully, squarely set and determined. "Yes we can. It's up to you, Moondancer: do you accept our offer of friendship once more?"

"You won't leave again?"

"No, I won't."

She stood still for a moment of contemplation, inner conflict brewing between old wounds and forgiveness. She made her decision.

She rushed up to me and wrapped me in a tearful hug. "I accept."

I put a hoof over her shoulder. "Do you really want me back?" She nodded silently against my shoulder. I smiled and returned the hug. "I'm glad we could be together again."

I looked around at the others, still standing off to the side. I beckoned them with a wave of my head, telling them to stop watching from the sidelines and join in. They didn't hesitate to surround us and form a group hug, renewing what they thought as an old friendship.

I noticed Spike didn't join in, just standing there with a blank look on his face. "You too, Spike."

The statement seemed to startle him into action. He rushed over and jumped onto my back for the hug.

I was pleased with this outcome. Moondancer actually took Twilight and her friends back, rather than just the others. This was better than I hoped. We had the entire rest of the day to be the best of friends.

The next morning, we all stood outside the train departing for Ponyville. Ponies were piling in, eager to begin the trip back home. Spike and I lingered a bit longer to say goodbye to our Canterlot friends. "Well, it's time for us to go back to Ponyville. I have to work tomorrow, ugh." I forced a disgusted grunt.

"You'll come back, right?" Moondancer asked hopefully.

"Of course." I said with a smile. "We'll stay in touch. I can send you letters with my magic, if you ever feel lonely."

"I'm sure it won't come to that!" Lemon wrapped a hoof around Moondancer in a friendly hug. "We'll be here for you, you know! Still, it would be nice to write some letters back and forth with you, Twilight."

I smiled amicably. "Sure thing."

We came together for a farewell hug before Spike and I boarded our train. It left the station before long, bringing us home after a weekend we're not going to forget. I leaned back into my chair, settling in for a nice ride back.

"That was some weekend, huh Spike?" I looked over at the drake, only to notice him listlessly staring out the window. "Spike, are you okay?"

He didn't turn his head at me when he answered. "Yeah, I'm just a little tired."

My voice inflected my worry. "Didn't sleep well, or something?"

"Something like that, yeah."

Silence passed between us. I reached out and softly patted his shoulder. "It's going to be okay."

"I know."

Only the clatter of the train filled our cabin. The hours passed with Spike barely turning from the window like a drake possessed, and all I could do was rub his back consolingly.

It was going to be okay, Spike. It really was.

Confrontation

Spike sat by the window of the library's main room, idly tapping his fingers on his chin. He stared at nothing in particular; just the usual fare just outside. The turning of pages filled the room, its source, the purple unicorn who so often pretended to study magic intently. "Twilight" jotted down occasional notes about whatever subject she was studying. Oddly enough, Spike noticed she was reading a bit more keenly than before. For some reason, "Twilight" was really trying to figure something out.

Spike couldn't tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

He gave up on staring at her and turned his attention out the window. Happy ponies without a care, as usual.

He failed to notice a pink earth pony sneaking inside the library and behind the librarian, as usual.

"Hey Twilight!" Pinkie greeted suddenly. "Twilight" didn't get startled by the sudden exclamation; she never was. "The girls are having lunch together! Wanna come?"

The fake Twilight turned to Pinkie with a polite smile. "I'm sorry, Pinkie, but I'll have to decline for now. I have too much to do right now."

Pinkie pouted. "Aw, come on Twilight! All your bestest friends are going to be there and they'll be so happy to see you!"

Twilight's smile faltered just the tiniest bit. "I know, but I'm doing something very important right now. Maybe next time."

Pinkie picked up the offending literature keeping her friend's attention and glared into its spine. "Expert Conjurations for the Aspiring Conjuror? Are you trying to summon demons, Twi-twi?"

"What? No!" Twilight balked. "I'm trying to get teleportation down." A pause. "... And it would be nice to summon non-hostile creatures."

Pinkie dropped the book hard on the table and rested her chin on it, gazing pleadingly up at Twilight. "Come to lunch with us. Please?"

Twilight stood still, her defiant frown quivering. "...Okay, I guess I can spare the time. I'll pick this up later."

Pinkie leaped up and hugged Twilight excitedly. "Yay, success and happiness for everypony!"

Twilight laughed lightly and pulled out of the hug to address Spike. "I guess I'm going out to lunch today. You wanna come with me, Spike?"

Spike shook his head. "No thanks. I'll just fix something for myself."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah,"

Twilight nodded. "Alright, I'll be back a little later." She smiled over to Pinkie. "After you, Pinkie."

Pinkie hopped towards the door that she didn't use to enter. "We're gonna have so much fun!"

"Heh heh, I'm sure we are."

The two left the library. Spike watched them go down the road, one hopping excitedly and the other cantering with, amicably talking away. That left Spike alone in the library.

As usual.

It was odd how routine everything became. Worrying, especially considering that the alone time gave Spike the one thing he didn't really want right now: time to think.

What is the impostor's plan? Spike had no idea. It had something to do with learning as much magic as possible, covering all the bases. This clone of Twilight was making sure to learn something from just about every school of magic, which made it difficult to pinpoint its main focus. So whatever it was trying to do required expansive magical ability. So what was the end goal? Open some kind of portal, maybe?

That would explain a few things. If it was trying to open a portal for a massive invasion force, then it would make sense that it was training so much. The weightlifting, trail-running, and magic practice was all preparation for an invasion, with the impostor getting all sorts of recognition for its integral role in the conquest of Equestria.

Though, as much as he wanted to believe that, he had his doubts. If the impostor was so intent on conquering Equestria, then why was it wasting so much time? It often took breaks to help the ponies and spend time with its friends.

No no, supposed friends. It had no interest in friendship. It was biding its time. It was playing the nice mare to hide its sinister intentions to catch them by surprise.

Then why put so much effort in making good with Twilight's old friends? What did that accomplish? In the grand scheme of things, how did that offer any kind of advantage in the upcoming attack? They were four random ponies that could easily be ignored, yet the impostor made a special effort on getting them to like it.

Perhaps it meant well?

No, that couldn't be the case. If it meant well, then it wouldn't start so many fights. Like the time where Gilda was going to claw Pinkie apart, or when the Diamond Dogs kidnapped Rarity...

Spike couldn't help but notice that those fights (the ones of which he was aware) were started on somepony else's behalf. The fake Twilight attacked Gilda because she was about to hurt Pinkie. It only savaged that Diamond Dog because it was upset that the dogs were trying to abduct them and force them to work the mines.

Spike massaged his forehead, trying desperately to think of some other crucial, incriminating evidence against the impostor. He needed something that proved it was evil. Its occasional slips into masculine articles? Humorous, but not inherently evil. Its reluctance to do girly stuff? Wanting to refuse quality time with Rarity was always a sin in Spike's book, but he understood that everypony had their personal tastes.

Why was it so difficult for Spike to think of any signs of its evil? Was it because of how earnest it seemed? That whenever it encountered a serious problem, it did its honest best to resolve the issue with everypony satisfied? The sometimes absurd lengths it would go to hurt itself to cheer somepony up?

The way it consoled Spike when he felt his worst?

He shook his head violently. He couldn't be thinking of the impostor like this! It kidnapped Twilight and assumed her identity, staying hidden for months and waiting for some kind of opportunity! It was evil. Nefarious. A monster. Nothing more. It only acted nice to throw nosy drakes like Spike off the trail.

Everypony seemed to like it, though. Spike brought up his concerns with the others, but they didn't care. They trusted "Twilight", even knowing that it was hiding something from them.

But they only knew it was hiding something from them because it tried to confess.

Spike balled up a fist against his head. What was it going to say back then? Why didn't it go through with the confession? Did it not trust them? Did it know that revealing itself would land it into deeper trouble?

Because it was afraid of the others sharing the same mindset as Spike?

Spike grit his teeth with a growl. Why was he feeling so sorry? He had nothing to apologize for! All this sympathy had to be from some kind of mental manipulation. Yeah, that's it. Mind control. It was altering everypony's emotions. It couldn't really fool anypony, so it forced them to.

Spike rose from his seat with fire in his eyes. He didn't care that it was a half-baked explanation with holes in it; it was something to hold on to. He needed to believe that Twilight was kidnapped by a villain of some sort so she could be rescued.

He couldn't just sit around waiting for the impostor to slip up anymore. If it was using a spell to generate false sympathy, then complete mind control wasn't too hard to grasp. There was no use trying defeat such a foe through a battle of wills. A foe like this was defeated through action.

Nopony believed Spike when he told them that Twilight was replaced. He needed to break that facade, and the only way he could do that was by finding the real Twilight. As long as he didn't need to confront the impostor, he could win. It was for the best, as he doubted he was in the right state of mind to resist its control.

Where should he look? He knew Twilight disappeared sometime around the Summer Sun Celebration. He was with Twilight the whole time, so he knew many places to discount. If Twilight was to be found anywhere, then it would have to be someplace Twilight visited after he... lost consciousness. There was no place to safely store Twilight in Ponyville, so it had to be outside the town's limits.

The abandoned castle! Twilight and her friends went there to confront Nightmare Moon! If Twilight was separated from the group during that time, then she could still be there!

Spike gathered a sack and filled it with food. He wouldn't be coming back. Not until he found Twilight.

He almost marched right out the door, but he stopped. Despite wanting to leave as soon as possible, he couldn't bring himself to leave just like that. He shook his head and took out some paper and a pencil. Without further consideration, he wrote down his thoughts.

Pinkie accompanied me back home, hopping right next to me. "It sure was nice of Rarity to buy us all lunch!"

"Yeah," I agreed. She paid for lunch an awful lot. Good thing we came to an agreement where I paid for my food; I didn't feel right making her pay for the ten servings of food I ate. "Rarity's a nice mare."

"What kind of fun fun fun things are you going to do today?" Pinkie asked.

"The usual thing: unlocking the secrets to ultimate arcane power."

"That sounds neato!" Pinkie said, then frowned. "Wait, you're just gonna keep reading all day, like always?"

"That's not all I do; sometimes I also take notes."

Pinkie's enthusiastic hops settled into a trot. "You're just gonna study all day? That doesn't sound very fun."

"It's like building a statue: hours of tedious chipping until you get a satisfying work of art at the end."

"Oh, cool!" A smile returned to her face. "Mind if I watch you? I could watch you all day."

"Er, you wouldn't want to do that." I admitted. "It isn't very interesting to watch somepony reading a book."

Pinkie gave me a one armed shrug. "Okay. Maybe I could search for your stash."

I gave her a funny look. "My stash?"

"Yeppers! You know, your collection." She elaborated. At my continued look of perplexity, she elaborated more. "Your dirty laundry."

"But I don't wear clothes." I refuted.

"Porn." She stated bluntly.

"Ohhhh," I startled at the revelation. "I don't have any porn!"

A mother and her foal gave us some funny looks as we passed. Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Sure, Twilight, you don't have a collection of dirty magazines. Next you'll tell me that you don't like cupcakes."

I puffed out my cheeks. "We're not talking about this."

Pinkie smiled impishly. "Oh, we will. We definitely will."

I was very grateful that we made it back home. I quickly went inside with Pinkie following behind. "We're back, Spike!"

No response. Funny, I wonder where he was. I fixed myself a drink of some generic cola and set up by my workspace. While Pinkie walked upstairs to look for materials I didn't own, I reached out for my book to continue my research. There was a note on top of it written in pencil. I didn't write it, so it must have been Spike. Wondering what message he left, I levitated it up to read.

Hey "Twilight", or whatever your real name is. I've known you were a fake for a long time now, and I can't stand being around any more. Of course, you've known that I know for almost as long, not that you care. ~~Even though you~~ You think you're fooling me with your acting? You act all nice, but I know you're anything but nice. I don't know what you're planning, but it's not anything good for Equestria.

You think you're so clever with your simple lies, but you're honestly just pathetic. I'm not an idiot. You couldn't fool me. Twilight ~~was~~ is my sister, and I know her way better than you. You seem to be as nice and considerate as she is, ~~and you pay attention to me~~ but you aren't like her.

I will stop you, faker. I'm looking for a way to expose you for the monster you really are. The next time you see me, you'll be in a dungeon in Canterlot waiting to get banished to the moon.

You'll pay for kidnapping Twilight.

My fears had come to life. Spike couldn't take the pressure any longer.

He snapped. He ran away because of me. I lowered the note with a fearful glint in my eye. My breath shuddered.

I shook my head clear of thoughts. I couldn't let this happen. Spike needed to be here when he reunited with his sister. I couldn't let him wander into danger to accomplish my own goals. I buried the note into my book and went upstairs. Pinkie was digging through the wardrobe I never used.

"Hey Pinkie, I just remembered a few errands I had to run. I'll be back soon."

Pinkie withdrew her head from the drawer. "Okie doki! Want me to tag along?"

"No, that's okay. I'll be back soon; just a few hours, tops." I denied with a calm smile.

"Aw," She pouted. "But I want to come with you!"

"Believe me, I'd like you to come too, but this is something I have to do alone."

Pinkie's expression fell with worry. "What is it you need to do?"

"Hey, don't worry! I just need to get some paperwork done, that's all."

"Is that it? No leaving for real, right?"

"No, I'll be back later in the afternoon."

"Promise?"

I smiled reassuringly. "Promise."

Pinkie relaxed. "Okay. Have fun!"

I waved. "Later,"

I left through the balcony door, leaping off and conjuring bat wings to soar through the mid noon skies of Ponyville. At an agreeable height, I cast my detection spell. The pulsing of my horn led me to the edge of town in the direction of Fluttershy's cottage. I wasted no time speeding away, following my lead.

Spike's signature was still on the move, going past the border of town. The only place of note past Fluttershy's cottage was the Everfree Forest! There were creatures in there that I wasn't confident in confronting. Why would Spike go there?

I didn't think about it. All I knew was that I had to hurry before something happened to him. My horn flared with power I didn't know I had, black energy flowing into my wings. I moved faster than my spell would normally allow, blasting past the remainder of town faster than I thought possible. I found myself over the forest in a matter of minutes.

It didn't occur to me why pegasi didn't usually fly over the Everfree Forest. Heavy, unnatural winds slammed into me like some kind of barrier. I righted myself from the blow, pushing past to continue onward. The wind kept buffeting me, pounding like waves in a storm.

I fought to a standstill. Each beat of my wings only kept me oriented. I didn't have a choice; I had to land. I angled my wings to lower myself, but the erratic wind struck at an odd angle. I plummeted into the trees like I was slapped out of the air by a giant. I tumbled helplessly through the branches, only able to take the hits as they came.

My wings shot out and my horn flared, a burst of air shaking the trees before I hit the ground. The wind down there was nearly absent in comparison to the treacherous skies. I dismissed my wings, once more taking on the usual unicorn appearance. There was little choice but to run forth. I cast my spell and followed the pulsing of my horn.

He wasn't too far now. I hopped over underbrush and charged through branches, taking every little scratch if it meant saving time.

As I got closer, my pace slowed. What was I going to say? He wasn't going to be very happy to see me. I didn't want to force him back home. If possible, I wanted to talk him back with me. I didn't know how.

I didn't have as much time to think as I wanted. I pushed past another bush and caught his attention. He stood still, facing me with a brown sack over his shoulder. "T-Twilight?"

I turned down the road. "Not quite, I'm afraid."

A tense silence loomed over us. We listened to the wind rustling the trees at a loss for what to say.

"From all those scratches on you, I guess you tried to fly here?" Spike asked.

"Yeah. Since you're alright, I guess you didn't run into any monsters?"

"Just the one."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, you."

I held back a wince. I wasn't about to deny it. Waiting around wasn't going to solve our problems, however. I took a deep breath and came right out with it. "You're not going to find her out here."

Spike glared viciously at me. "What makes you so sure?"

"Depends; where are you going to look?"

"I don't need to tell you." He grunted defiantly.

I sighed. "Spike, I really want you to think about this. Where are you going to look for her?"

Spike growled softly. "The Castle of the Two Sisters."

I nodded at the small bit of progress. "Okay, then let me ask you this: assuming I took her place and still needed her alive, why would I keep her near a landmark as prominent as that?" Spike ground his teeth in silent desperation. In his silence, I continued. "Assuming I put Twilight in some remote prison, assuming she isn't under heavy guard, how could you possibly find her? You wouldn't be able to find her without extraordinary luck, and I doubt you brought enough food to keep up your search for long. Adding in the dangers of traveling through a monster-infested forest, you'd fail long before you got close."

Spike sat heavily on the ground, hopeless. "No... she can't be gone... I have to find her..."

"There's only one way to find her, Spike. Only one person in the whole universe knows where she is." I sat in front of him and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. "I know where she is."

Spike looked into my eyes, tearful eyes pleading. "W-where is she?"

I pulled his head into my chest for a hug. "She's right here with us. Her spirit follows me."

Spike clung against me. "She's... she's d-dead?"

"She's not dead, Spike. She's just... displaced, I guess. Her soul is still within this body, but she lies dormant."

Spike's grip relaxed slightly, angling himself to look up at me. "Why are you telling me this? Why are you being so nice all the time?"

I smiled tearfully, stroking him affectionately. "I don't want you to be hurt, Spike. I want you to be happy."

Spike narrowed his eyes distrustfully. "Then why did you replace Twilight? Why did you take her away from me?"

I didn't shy away from his hardened gaze, but my smile faltered. "I didn't want to. I was forced into this position because of a wizard's curse. I've been trying to pick up the pieces since."

"How should I believe that? You've had a long time to think of some kind of excuse."

I sighed. "I suppose you don't have to believe me, but that's what happened. An angry wizard tore my soul from my body and trapped me with your sister."

Spike lowered his head against my fur. "So you didn't have a say in this, huh?"

"No, I didn't."

"You-you're doing your best."

"I am."

"Are you going to bring her back?"

I tightened my grip on him. "I will bring Twilight back. I promise you that."

We lingered there for a few moments, Spike and I holding each other. I was trying to comfort him, and I think he was holding onto me like a surrogate for his sister. It would explain the tightness of his grip and the wetness on my fur.

He found the strength to let go after a few minutes and pulled away. I stood up beside him. "Let's go home, Spike. Would you like to ride my back?"

Spike smiled. "I'd like to."

I levitated him and his bag onto my back. We walked down the road at a relaxed pace, taking it easy for the first time in days. Things were looking up for the two of us.

Heart to Heart

Author's Note

Slight gore in this chapter. I tried to keep the details vague, but fair warning, there will be some blood.

Heart to Heart

I'm surprised Spike hasn't been saying anything for the last five minutes. Our walk home was calm as can be for the most part, yet I expected a few more questions right now. He thought questions could wait, I guess. The Everfree was a dangerous place, and neither of us wanted to linger. Whatever was on Spike's mind would go unmentioned for a while if I didn't coax it out of him.

"So, a bit for your thoughts?" I asked.

"Is it okay if I start asking questions now?"

"Shoot."

"Okay," Spike took a moment to think of whatever seemed most appropriate to ask first. "So how do you know where Twilight's soul is? Can you see it or something?"

"Or something, yes." I answered. "It took a long time for me to figure it out, but I needed to study divinations for a while before I had the necessary skill to find her soul manually."

"Didn't you have any magical talent before?"

"I didn't even know magic was real about seven months ago. I had to learn the basics before I could even study real spells."

"How basic are we talking here?"

"So basic that I didn't even know how to access my latent magical energies."

Spike sucked in a sympathetic breath. "Wow, even unicorn foals know how to do that."

"Can you blame me? My world has spent so many centuries publicly executing people even suspected of having magic that most people think it's a myth."

"Really? Magic is so taboo that it warrants murder?" Spike asked, stunned.

"Not any more, if you live in a civilized country. Nowadays it would just net you a million bucks from James Randi."

"Who's that?"

"A pretty famous street magician. Don't let that title fool you though, he doesn't use real magic. It's just sleight of hand and misdirection when he does it."

"Oh. So you had to start from scratch?"

"That's right. Heh, since we lived so close to this place, I primarily focused on combat spells for a while. I'm kinda glad I didn't need-" I stopped myself right there, not wanting to jinx myself.

"What's wrong?" Spike asked with worry.

I darted my senses around us, trying to make sure I didn't just tempt fate at the worst possible time. The area around us was completely still. "Nothing, I hope. I almost tempted the humor of our cruel universe into ripping me a new one. You hear or see anything?"

Spike looked around. "No... " His face scrunched up. "But what's that smell?"

I took a whiff of the air and regretted it. Yeah, what was that smell? "It smells like roadkill."

"What's roadkill?"

"The decaying corpse of a disemboweled animal sitting in the sun on my world's paved roads."

"Ew, your world sounds awful!"

"Yeah, tell me about it." Wait, this smell really did smell like roadkill. Did something die? "Did you pass a corpse on the way here?"

"No, this smell is new."

Odd, where did this come from? I tried to trace the smell, but I couldn't. It seemed as if its source surrounded us. I almost tempted fate and a new, bothersome smell appeared on the path.

I sighed dejectedly. "Hey, ten opals says we're surrounded right now."

"Surrounded? By what?"

A nearby bush rustled. "Whatever made that sound." I lit my horn. "As much as I sarcastically love being the universe's favorite punching bag, I think I'd rather strike first. Hold on tight." I let loose the power built in my horn, making a spike of hardened earth shoot into the bush at an angle. The spike hit something, eliciting a pained bark.

Since I expected a group to surround us, I prepared to leap away from the inevitable counter-attack. Dark brown figures leaped from the surrounding wilderness as expected, so I hurled myself toward my rocky spike. I grabbed hold of it and channeled more power into it, raising it above the ground. We looked back to face our foes. Angry wooden wolves smashed together and recovered to glare hungrily at us, eyes glowing green with unnatural power. Three of the beasts lowered themselves into predatory stances.

"Right on cue; Timberwolves." I griped. If I recalled correctly, these creatures were formed by angry spirits that hunted not for food, but needless slaughter. Where do you think that horrid smell comes from? It's not like they digest anything they eat.

Assuming the noise I attacked earlier was another Timberwolf, we were being assaulted by four of them. This was troublesome to say the least, as I wouldn't be able to outrun them. Without some kind of teleportation to safely evacuate, I had to fend them off. Not that easy when their only motivation is angry murder.

I levitated Spike off my back and placed him near the top of the spike. I quickly conjured a lavender sphere around Spike to keep him out of harm's way. "That bubble should keep you safe. I'll have to fight these things off."

Spike was panicking at the sight of the monsters that confronted us. "B-be careful!"

I turned back in time to see one of the wolves jumping up at me. Because of my miscalculation of their athletic ability, it smacked me aside. I landed hard on the ground below and rolled to my hooves.

I've fought groups before, and I've fought dogs before, but there was no way I'd be able to handle three to one odds as I was. If I was to be outnumbered, I needed an edge. My horn flared with power and morphed my form into the familiar bipedal structure of a human. Hopefully this form would provide me with the versatility I'd need to survive.

The wolves converged around me. The wolf I faced directly charged at me with its wooden fangs bared. I juked to the side and grabbed its head, throwing it past me with only a scratch from its outstretched claw digging into my stomach. While that wolf rolled by, the wolf now behind me raked its claw into my back. I staggered away from the attack and powered a spell into my hand, unleashing a concussive blast just in time to shatter the opposite wolf before it could pounce at me.

I turned to the wolf behind me as it swung another claw at me. It raked into my arm when I tried to brace into it, but I prevented it from knocking me to the ground. I threw a fist into its face, burying my hand into its fragile head and displacing the wood debris into it. My hand was covered in nasty scratches from the attack, but I couldn't let up because of a little pain.

Two of the wolves I saw collapsed into rubble, but the last one wasn't out of the fight yet. It went for a second charge, one I was prepared to counter with another blast of magic. It collapsed like the others with its bits and pieces littering the forest floor.

I took a deep breath and took stock of my wounds. A lot of the deeper cuts would scar for sure, but I didn't think a full recovery was out of the question. I waved up at Spike with a smile. "Got 'em!"

"Behind you!" He yelled.

I spun to face what he indicated. Bits and pieces of one of the wolves levitated in the air of their own volition and resumed their previous shape as a snarling beast.

Shit, I forgot they could do that.

I took a cautious step back, which it took as an opening. It pounced at me with murderous intent. With a quick lift of my glowing hand, a column of hardened earth shot up into the wolf's underside, launching the beast past me and slamming into the unforgiving earth to crumble like a house of cards.

Before my eyes, the other two wolves formed up as well. They rushed in opposite directions to flank me. Both of my hands lit with arcane power, which I unleashed at the both of them. Explosive forces shattered them instantly.

I spun once more to face the first wolf, as it was reforming again. I needed some way to destroy them for good, or they would just keep coming like this until I ran out of steam. I'd love to use one of my fire spells, but that wouldn't be a good idea for this environment. One missed firebolt and the battlefield becomes a wildfire! Much easier to escape, but comes with its own host of problems. I could use a touch spell, but that would mean getting in close with these things. That was a no-go, since they could just as easily tear me to ribbons as I could make ash out of them.

I fired a spear of ice into the charging wolf, giving myself a little breathing room. As awesome as it was to break these wolves again and again, I couldn't afford to make any more mistakes. Hell, I'm sure my current wounds were enough of a ticking clock.

The two other wolves formed up and switched tactics. One rushed me while the other strafed around. I erected a pane of force to protect myself from the charging wolf. As luck would have it, the wolf smashed itself into the barrier and shattered itself. The other wolf took this opportunity to take a swing at me. I tracked its movement easily enough and jumped back to avoid the swipe. I raised the magic barrier between us in time to deflect another blow, but the strength behind it pushed me back. Seeing its advantage, it rained blow after blow on my shield to keep me locked in defense.

I angled the barrier to parry one of its predictable attacks and bashed into it with my magic shield. It went down. But while I faced more moving debris forming up into wolves, something ticked in the back of my mind. I knew something was wrong, my instincts telling me that I was missing something important. What was it?

Figuring I could deal with it when it popped up, I summoned a ball of energy into my unused hand. I underhand tossed it into the middle of debris trying to form up, the ball exploding like a hand grenade upon contact with the ground. Wood and dirt blasted in all directions from the spell, all of which bounced off my shield.

I was able to keep them suppressed, but that could only hold for so long. At least this was getting easier. A wave of explosive power confirmed this idea, blasting away another moving pile of scrap wood.

A terrified cry interrupted my planning. I looked up at the bubble that protected Spike, still suspended on an angled thorn of rock. The drake pressed his back against the side of the bubble, his petrified gaze upon a timberwolf I missed. The beast scratched and gnawed on the bubble, trying to break it open for an easy meal. The sphere rippled and faded in places to maintain its shape under the prying of a savage creature.

I grit my teeth. This son of a bitch was using its pack mates as a distraction to go after easy prey! I was offended for a great many reasons, but there was one reason above all the others.

No one fucks with my friends!

My face, no, my whole body burned! My blood boiled in my veins. I clenched my fists and ran straight for the foolish beast that thought to attack my family. One stride, two strides, then something caught my leg. I pulled harder to take another step and made little progress. I spun around to find what caught my ankle: a timberwolf sinking its jaw into me. The pitiful beast thought it could stop me now. I knelt down and wrapped my my hand around its neck, stray bits of wood digging into my palms. I didn't notice, nor did I care. I pulled with all my might, ripping its head off its shoulders.

More movement around me. I was far past the point of taking it easy on them for being mindless freaks. I raised my hands above me, magic pumping into them with unrestrained fury and wild abandon. An outside observer would notice my aura went from a soft light to that which reminded one of flame. I brought them down, unleashing an explosive burst that shook the forest around me. The moving shapes that surrounded me stood no chance.

I raised my glare up at the offending wolf that still thought of my little brother as an easy kill. How could the stupid beast not notice my anger burning like the fires of hell? I surged forth with a cry of rage, my fists burning with the flames of hatred. I leaped into the air with unparalleled strength with a mighty swing. I buried my fist into its chest, deep lavender flames engulfing its entire body. It howled in despair, falling to the ground, futilely struggling to put out the flames with its pitiful rolling.

I watched it burn, my angry eyes condemning it to the fires it deserved. Its howls faded into ashes.

My heart filled with the sensation of satisfaction, yet I still wanted more. I turned slowly to the clearing behind me, finding the first three wolves gathered, glaring at me with uncertainty. I returned their glares with a hateful growl, stomping towards them with the thought of destruction filling my mind.

The wolves figured they couldn't win as they were. They saw what I could do and knew I was too powerful for a group of them. Surely, if three weak wolves couldn't get the job done, then maybe one powerful wolf could. The wolves broke apart before me, their bits converging between them. I held back from immolating them then and there, interested to see where this was going. Besides that, which do you think I preferred: three campfires or a bonfire?

The combined wood scraps formed in the rear, making a reverse jointed pair of legs of tremendous size. Its chest was built broader than it had any right to be for a four-legged animal, its arms vaguely resembling my own if they had wicked claws. It stood erect on its hindlegs, howling with bloodlust.

I grinned madly at the beast I would surely destroy. Wouldn't you be excited to slay a werewolf? We rushed towards each other, arms reeled back for attack.

Our fists connected between us, halting our momentum with a crack. Pieces of its claw fell off. It noticed its own failure to exceed my power and pulled back for another blow. I ducked under its clumsy swing, lighting my hand with the fires of hell. All it took was one strike with my palm. The attack threw the beast off its feet, forcing it to its back. It didn't shatter this time, but it was doomed regardless. It sat up to pick itself up, but it looked upon its stomach where dark flames ate at its very being. It patted the flames to stymie its spread without success. The flames went up its arms and down its legs. It shook wildly and growled in frustration as more and more of it was reduced to ash.

The flames consumed the beast entirely. Only a scorched mark of earth marked were it passed.

Still I wanted more.

I looked all around me, looking for another victim to fall before my hate. My eyes fell upon Spike. The little dragon who I rushed to rescue in the first place.

My breath caught in my throat at the sudden chill that went through my body. All the heat and power that flowed before subsided deep in my chest, dissipating like it was never there.

Pain shot through my ankle and up my leg. I grimaced and fell to my knee, breathing strongly like I ran a mile. My head swam, my whole body weakened. Parts of me felt a different kind of burn than what I felt before. I weakly examined one such point, my hand, and rediscovered the cuts and scratches that covered it. I felt my wounds catching up to me now.

I took a deep breath and pushed myself into a straighter posture. My vision blurred for a moment, but returned to me after a firm massaging of the eyes.

"You okay Spike?" I asked weakly.

It was a silly question; Spike was still trapped in that bubble. "Y-yeah, I'm fine. What about you?"

I gave him a thumbs-up. "Couldn't be better."

Spike looked doubtful. "You don't look so good. Are you sure you're alright?"

"Ah, I've had worse." I lied with a smile.

Spike didn't press the issue. He patted the bubble walls. "So, uh..."

With a wave of my hand, the bubble faded away. "Yeah, we should get going. I've about had it with this forest." A pause. "So, uh, wanna piggyback ride, or what?"

"I think I should walk on my own." He said, noting my injuries.

I put a hand over my stomach, but it nearly slipped off from how slick it was. I didn't even look down to see to obvious reason for that. "Don't sweat it." I stood to my full human height, pain shooting up my leg. "In any case, I don't think I can walk around Ponyville looking like a contour map of Ghastly Gorge without causing a ruckus." I calmed my nerves and cast a relatively simple conjuration. An opaque lavender cloak that trailed down to cover my ankles. With a quick illusion, its color shifted to black. "Right, let's get going."

We started down the path, Spike noticing my delicate gait with worry. There wasn't much he could do to help anyway, so he took my mind off my injuries with some conversation. "So what was with that magic back there? I've never seen anything like it. Is that a human thing?"

"Nah, I don't think that's it. I'd guess it was drawing upon some kind of untapped potential of mine. We'll have to check it out later."

"Whatever it was was pretty cool, letting you fight like that." He noted with an excited smile. "It was like you were invincible!"

I chuckled. "Yeah, if only. I did feel a surge of strength, though. That's probably why I didn't feel as much pain as I should have."

"Maybe you have super powers, like Saddle Rager?" Spike suggested.

"Aw, that sucks, I would've preferred Fili-Second's powers. She's the best."

"Pfft, Radiance is."

I smiled impishly. "You wanna fight about it, bro?"

He laughed. "Not after that showing!"

We laughed our way out of the forest, well on our way home. I went serious for a second. "Listen, I'd appreciate it if we could talk about our 'mutual interests' in private. Let's save it for when we get to the library, okay?"

Spike nodded acceptingly. "Alright."

We walked the rest of the way in silence, but an easier silence than before.

Hiding my wound had the desired results. Walking through town was a peaceful task; nopony even batted an eye at seeing me as a human tromping through the streets. It was weird, I didn't think I spent that much time in this form.

I noticed about halfway there that there was a dampness on my foot, no doubt from the bite from my ankle. I didn't want to start a commotion out in public over this, so I conjured myself a pair of faux fur boots. I naturally changed their color to black to match my cloak, but the real benefit was hiding my blood from sight.

After all, who knows how the ponies would react to that?

We entered the library with me opening the library with my magic. Quite fortunate that I discovered spells could be cast through clothing without betraying the glow of one's magic aura. Made Trixie's magic seem a little less impressive, though...

"Pinkie, I'm back! I even brought Spike!"

There was a thump from up the stairs. Pinkie bounded down with a big smile on her face. A big, implicating smile. "Heeeey, Twilight." She reached behind her and held out some clothes. "I found your socks." She giggled. "I didn't think you were into socks."

I looked over the set of socks, plush stockings striped with alternating hues of lighter and darker blues. "Where'd you find those? I don't remember buying any socks."

Pinkie's smile vanished with confusion. "Huh? You mean these aren't your socks?"

"No." Then I had a delayed reaction over her implication. "Wait, what's the big deal about socks?"

Pinkie looked down at her find with contemplation. "If these aren't Twilight's, then who put them in that shoebox...?" Pinkie's face brightened. She smiled slyly at Spike. "Oh, Spikey!"

I raised my eyebrow at Spike, who was looking a little flushed. "What, what's so special about socks?"

I was ignored in favor of Spike awkwardly changing the subject. "H-hey Pinkie, how do you like Twilight's new clothes?"

Pinkie threw the socks behind her, forgetting them entirely, and closely examined my cloak and boots. Very closely. She was walking circles around me, practically rubbing her nose over every fold as if looking for some kind of imperfection, loudly saying "HMMMMM..." in nerve-wracking inspection.

I felt like I was sweating profusely. Not that the cloak was hot or anything, but I was scared that Pinkie would somehow notice the lacerations underneath. I knew she was psychic, so I didn't put it past her.

Finally, she straightened herself and came to her conclusion. "It's as I thought."

"What?" I asked hesitantly.

"You look better without clothing." She said simply.

A moment of silence. That was not the statement I was expecting. I didn't even know Pinkie was so anti-textile. "...Right. In any case, what do you think of its overall design? You think Rarity would approve? Black goes with everything, after all."

"Mmm..." She tottered her hoof. "Rarity wouldn't be offended."

"Good enough for me!" I cheered.

Pinkie smiled at my enthusiasm. "I'm glad you found something you like!" She blurred to the front door. "As much as I would love to harass you about your sexual interests, I have to go! I should have been babysitting Rumble an hour ago." She shrugged, as if the mistake could've happened to anyone.

"Yeah, you'd better get on that."

Pinkie left the library with a happy trot, definitely not in a hurry to go anywhere. I watched her leave for a little bit, and quickly shut the curtains on every window in the living room. I conjured the first aid kit and some other supplies from the basement and dispelled my magic clothes. It was about time that I properly dealt with my injuries.

I sat upon one of the chairs and unloaded the medical goods onto the table. "Now that we're alone, we can finally talk about important things." I wiped my hands of dried blood with a cloth and dabbed some hand-sanitizer in my palm. It burned into some of the punctures with a grimace from me, but I tried to keep my focus. "Let's get down to business. I'm sure you have a lot of questions."

Spike sat across from me. "So, about Twilight. How is she?"

"Hmm, hard to say." I explained. "I found her soul still in this body, but I'm the one currently in control. My best guess is that her soul is dormant, inactive until such a time that it can take back control."

"So she's sleeping?"

I gave a little smile. "That's one way to put it."

Spike smiled himself. "Okay, so you have a way to bring her back?"

I opened the first aid kit and retrieved some cotton balls. I opened a bottle of rubbing alcohol and hesitated with its use. "Well, I'm working on it. For now, my plan is to master conjuration so I can bring her back as a permanent summon. In other words, she'd be a being made of magic. She'd be in a bit of trouble against somepony with a Universal Dispel spell, but I don't think anypony would think to do that."

Spike looked worried. "What would happen if they did?"

I applied some alcohol to a cotton ball and pressed it onto the cuts on my hand. "Ngh! She'd just be 'banished' into this body like she is now. That's assuming my idea works at all."

"Do you have any other ideas?"

My whole hand burned with the invading alcohol now. I grabbed a rag to wipe it away. "I have only one lead. Seeing as how we're dealing with a soul, I might need to learn necromancy."

Spike paled. "Necromancy? But I thought you said Twilight was okay!"

"She is!" I hurriedly interjected. "But her soul is currently out of use. Barring a simpler solution, I might have no choice but to make a new body for her by scratch and transfer the soul over."

Spike took a calming breath. "So things aren't that easy, huh?"

I shook my head, wrapping some tape around my hand. "Yeah, I have my doubts about the conjuration. Worse yet, necromancy was outlawed over a thousand years ago. There's no way to learn it nowadays unless I can find some forgotten manuscript in ruins somewhere."

"Where would you even look for something like that?"

I shrugged. My squeezed my taped hand experimentally. "The only ruin I know of is the Castle of the Two Sisters. I'd just go there and hope there's a library."

Spike nodded. He was silent long enough for me to repeat the process of disinfecting and taping my other hand. I looked down to my stomach and my arm with disdain. I remembered my ankle then and groaned. I really should have done that first. I lifted up my ankle and looked at the wound. Considering the amount of blood that came out of it, the wound was pretty deep. I poured a bottle of water over it and wiped it down with a cloth. I quickly grabbed a strip of gauze and wrapped up my ankle.

"So why didn't you tell anypony?"

I paused, staring at my ankle all wrapped up. "...I don't know. I guess I thought nopony would believe me. I was going to tell everypony after the Summer Sun Celebration, but I thought I was already on my out of Equestria, so I kept it to myself. Then the next day I was more worried about how I'd just get myself banished or something. I didn't think Celestia would listen to me long enough for me to explain myself, so I kept silent and tried to learn magic on my own."

"But Celestia is the most understanding mare in Equestria!"

"Well I didn't know that!" I protested. "I was only in Equestria for maybe twenty four hours by that point. I didn't know anything about this place when I was tossed here without a clue." I sighed. "Besides, I still don't think anypony would take it that well. I was going to tell them this one time, but I realized they wouldn't understand."

"You mean when we met Zecora?"

I nodded, covering my stomach with bandages. "That's when I realized that I had to keep quiet. The way they thought about Zecora without a second thought, it just scared me. I was determined then more than ever to hide away."

"But everypony trusts you! Surely they know you well enough that they'd give you a chance!" He argued.

"That's what I thought back then. But if I told them the truth now, they'd only question why I felt the need to hide for so long. They'd cease to trust me and jump to conclusions that I fear. After all, I'm not even a pony, so why should my word be trusted? I already demonstrated that I'm willing to lie to my own friends. I'm just a monster who needs to be expelled."

"Do you really think they'd go that far?"

I sighed. "I don't know. I know that they're the kindest people I've ever met, but I'm not sure how they'd react if they got to really know me, you know? I'm not proud of myself, so what chance do I stand with others?"

"Why, what's wrong with you?"

I chewed my lip apprehensively. "It's no secret that I'm not as good as the real Twilight. I'm violent and easily set off. I tend to hurt people. I'm a liar, a scoundrel, and now a monster." I squeezed the edge of the table. "I've spent more than half a year in Twilight's rightful place and spent that time with ponies I love. I wasted so much time on my selfish desires when I should have been gaining the power I need to make things right. There's no excuse for that. No matter how you look at it now, I'm just a beast no better than those goddamn wolves."

"Do you really feel that way about yourself?" Spike asked with worry. I sat in silence, staring down at my knuckles. My continued squeezing of the tabletop stung with increasing intensity. Spike sighed. "I had no idea you felt this way. You do such a good job hiding it."

I chuckled humorlessly. "Thanks, I guess. It's pretty easy to do with as much practice as I've got."

"So if you're feeling so guilty over this, why don't you tell Celestia about it? I'm sure she would make things right."

"I know it's selfish, but I want to be the one to do it. I'm not ready to leave yet. I feel like I have a lot left to fix before I'm through, and it's only right that I give something to Twilight to compensate for my interference. I need to build things up for her return." My eyes turned up to the young dragon. "Please, let me do this."

Spike frowned thoughtfully. "I don't know, that seems like a lot to ask."

I nodded understandingly. "Then I swear, if I can't bring Twilight back the week before Hearth's Warming, then we will tell Celestia together. Would that work?"

Spike thought it over and nodded. "Well, if Twilight is alright, then I guess we're in no hurry to bring her back. I suppose I can accept that." I smiled with relief, but Spike had one request. "But you'll need to tell me about yourself. I'm going to be living with you for a few months, so I should know more about you, right?"

"Fair enough." I conceded. "What would you like to know?

"Your name, for starters."

I grinned at the question. Finally, I got to tell someone my real name. I was finally able to be completely honest with one of my friends. Words could scarcely describe how excited I was at the prospect. "I'm glad you asked. My name is Twi-" I halted my speech.

Spike was confused. "Uh, what was your name, again?"

I rubbed my throat in contemplation. Was I really about to say "Twilight"? It must have been a deep-rooted habit by this point. I took a deep breath and thought over it for a brief moment. Twilight was obviously not my real name. Then what was? It was a very simple question, yet I racked my brain for an answer. Why was I having such difficulty? I remembered lots of things about myself, but what made recalling my name so difficult?

Smith? No.

Steve? Nope.

Adam? That wasn't it either. Come on, something has to sound familiar!

Jack?

Mark?

Vince?

I made a shocking realization that left me pale. I didn't know. I lost my name. I've forgotten a fundamental fact about myself! How could that have happened? I still remembered the names of everyone in the Metal Gear franchise, but I couldn't recall my own name! How was that even possible?

I was worried now. I've been wishing for so long that I could stop pretending to be somepony else, but now I was having difficulty doing that. How could I be losing track of myself?

Spike broke my existential crisis with a simple question. "Are you okay?"

I looked back at him, just now realizing a bead of sweat trailing down my head. I gave him a reassuring smile and came up with my best lie. "Sorry, just a little internal debate. You see, among my people, the sharing of True Names is an exchange of great power. It's normally only ever done when we are born, when our parents assign a name to us, and when we marry, to demonstrate our faith to one another. 'Breaking the question', as ponies call it, is often preceded with a request for our True Names. It got me a little flustered, is all." I forced an awkward laugh. "Anyway, I hope you can understand why I don't share my Real Name with you. Perhaps you would like to give me a nickname?"

Spike looked disappointed. "Uh, alright. Do you have anything in mind?"

I felt relieved that Spike wasn't questioning this. I wasn't ready to answer his questions on the subject. "Maybe you could say something about my duplicity."

"Oh, how about Two Face?" Spike suggested excitedly.

"Ehhh, how about something else?"

"What's wrong with Two Face?" He asked.

"It's already taken by a character from a popular comic series where I'm from. Any other ideas?"

Spike thought for a bit. "How about Silver Tongue?"

"A little uninspired, don't you think?"

Spike got right back to thinking. "I don't know, thinking of names is tough."

I rubbed my chin in consideration. "... Dusk?"

"Isn't that a boy's name, though?"

"Well then, it fits. I'm actually a guy."

Spike smiled impishly. "Not from where I'm sitting."

I pouted with exaggeration. "Not funny, man."

He chuckled at me. "That's where you're wrong!"

I smiled beside myself. All things considered, I was just glad we could put things behind us. "So you'll call me Dusk, now?"

He nodded. "Sounds good to me."

"Then it's decided: I'll be known as Dusk between the two of us. Is there anything else you'd like to know?"

"Well, why did that wizard send you to Equestria? I doubt it was to scout us out."

"Uh, right, that." I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. "I was being a dick to him. I found him at the flea market one day, so I started insulting him a lot. He didn't take it too well, so he cast some kind of spell that sent me here. Heh, you know, I thought I was dead when I first got here. His fist went right through my chest."

"Uh, does that mean you're a ghost?" Spike asked apprehensively.

"Probably not." I said. "My soul is just misplaced right now. The fact that it's bound to a corporeal body proves that I'm not a ghost."

"So you can't just leave that body and go to another one?"

"Not without magic, I can't. Worse yet, I'd need necromancy for that. As we've already established, I don't know a single necromancy spell."

Spike pouted. "Darn, that's too bad. I was kind of hoping you could just go to another body."

"I'd like that too, but I have a moral objection to that."

"Why's that? You could fix this easily then, right?" Spike asked confused.

"Well, Twilight would come back, yes, but where would I get another body? The only bodies around are in use by other ponies. To get another body, I'd have to sacrifice another's independence. I'd be back where I started, only then I'm hurting even more ponies than before. No, if I'm going to do this, I'd have to find a way to make a body from scratch, thus I need necromancy."

Spike nodded at my explanation. "Yeah, and nopony would realize that you're not such a bad pony, like I did."

I chuckled lightly. "I'm glad you don't hate me anymore." Even if I deserve it. "I'm surprised you came around to me at all."

Spike sighed. "Well, I had to accept at some point that you're not the monster I thought you were. There's no way a monster could be as nice as you, even as an act."

"You really think I'm nice?"

"You have to be, if you're willing to go out of your way to comfort ponies you don't even know. You went all the way to Canterlot for some ponies you never met. Even ponies around town think well of you. I think you're a really nice pony."

I smiled at the praise. It was nice hearing a compliment that applied to me.

"Actually, it's funny with the ponies in Canterlot; I don't think Twilight would have gone back up there. She barely even noticed when those girls were around. I gotta say, you went above and beyond right there."

I stopped to think about that. It was odd to consider that Twilight would have friends she paid little attention to. What was the deal with that? Was Twilight an inattentive friend? I don't know about that. It just seems unlikely that an overachieving pony like Twilight would half-ass anything, especially something like friendship.

Or maybe she did, but she was just that good at it.

There was some sense in that. If Spike thought Twilight's behavior was neglectful but her friends thought well enough of her that they were sad when she left, then I could only conclude that Twilight was a magnetic personality.

Just another way she's got me beat. It was good to see that she'd have little difficulty connecting with my friends when I leave, at least.

"Dusk?"

I looked back up at Spike. "Huh?"

"Are you okay? You spaced out there."

I smiled it off. "Nah, I was just thinking. In any case, I'm glad we can move on now. You can talk to me about your concerns, you know. I'm willing to help while I'm still here."

Spike nodded, but looked confused. "Okay," He took this as his cue to switch subjects. "So what is your world like?"

I sat back with my arms crossed. "It depends on who you ask. Some say it's great. I dunno, it was alright in a lot of ways. We didn't have magic there, or so I thought, but we did have technology. About the best stuff we had was cellphones that could store books on them."

"What are cellphones?"

"Eh, they're these little bricks of plastic and electronics that can be used to speak with people over long distances. They advanced to the point that they're also commonly used to store additional information, like books and games."

"Whoa, why would anyone want to leave such a world?" He asked with astonishment.

"You mean besides the constant wars, disasters, and rampant douchebaggery? I guess the crime rate."

"Is crime that bad?"

"Maybe I'm biased because I lived in a bad neighborhood, but yeah. You wouldn't believe how many times the apartment across from mine was raided by cops busting drug dealers."

Spike's face reflected his astonishment, but he wasn't impressed this time. "Who would want to live in such a world?"

I shrugged. "Who's got the choice?"

"I guess you do." Spike pointed out. "Do you think you'll be going back?"

I stared ponderously up at the ceiling. My answer was simple. "No."

"Really? You don't want to go home? Isn't there anyone waiting for you or something?"

I shrugged indifferently. "Not really. I don't have a reason to go back."

"That sounds kinda lonely." Spike muttered sympathetically.

"Ugh, why does everyone think I have have issues with loneliness?" I complained. "Trixie, Pinkie, you; it's as if everyone thinks I can't handle living alone for a while!"

"Can you handle it?"

"Yeah! I lived alone for, like, seven years straight!" I explained with a raised voice. "Come on, I'm the most capable person ever to live alone!"

"Uh, I'm sure you are." He replied, unconvinced. "So you're going to stay in Equestria when all is said and done?"

"Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. Relaxed paced life, predictable weather, an economy I can easily abuse, loving neighbors, and an easily thwarted screening process for space aliens? I'd be a fool to pass that up."

"So what about your friends?"

"Ah, they'll do fine."

"I meant about you."

"What about me?"

Spike sighed. "I mean, what about you being with your friends? Surely you're going to assume a new identity, so what do you plan on doing when Twilight comes back?"

"Well, I guess I can just wait for Pinkie to throw me a 'welcome' party and start over from there."

"But aren't you worried about the sudden change in your relationships with them?"

I felt a twinge. "Urgh, that's a good question. I suppose it'll suck at first, and we'll never reach the same heights of friendship, and I wouldn't have any kind of excuse to go around hanging out with them all the time without looking like an obsessed freak..." I shook my head. "But the important thing is that I can still see them any time."

He nodded slowly at my answer. "Okay, so I guess that about covers it. You know plenty about me, huh?"

"Yeah, seven months will do that."

He chuckled. "Yeah, I guess we know each other a bit more than we thought."

We really did, didn't we? We were both total comic book nerds who shipped and big into gaming. The few arguments we had were minor skirmishes that didn't bother us, mostly about petty things like chores. We both knew a lot about our respective origins. All in all, we had a lot going for us.

Thinking back on it, Spike and I were closer than we realized. Seeing for the first time that we could continue onward as open friends rather than secretive enemies made both of us happy. We could move forward, and it seemed like nothing could bring us down.

The universe, however, certainly likes to try.

There was a firm, authoritative knock on the door. It startled me at first, but I quickly set about cleaning up my mess. I whisked away the medical supplies with my magic, sending them to whatever anonymous void I sent things. My magic cloaked me in black garb once more, to hide my treated wounds, leaving me ready to greet our untimely visitor.

Opening the door revealed two visitors, neither of whom looked very pleased. The white pony wore a grim expression that didn't fit her in the slightest, like a cruel reflection of what should have been a very gentle mare. Her companion was wary and focused. The dark blue mare had a sense of paranoia about her, and her eyes were locked on me. Both radiated power of great magnitude, ready for a threat that they alone knew existed.

"Twilight, would you kindly let us in?" Celestia asked.

Deep Dark

I looked between each of my visitors, both glaring intently in some manner. Was it surprising that I was nervous about all of this? After all, both royal sisters were visiting at the same time. This wasn't just another social visit; they were here for a reason. Whatever that reason was, they were clearly ready for a big confrontation.

I didn't really have a choice but to let them in, right? Refusal would be admitting my guilt in whatever they were likely here for. I gingerly stepped to the side with a nervous smile. "Sure, come right in."

They marched inside. They weren't here as some kindly house guests, so they stood on the far side of the room. Luna half-turned to face me, scrutinizing me. Celestia didn't even turn. Her back was facing me, yet I could feel her steely judgement.

"So, uh, what's going on?" I asked leadingly.

"Depends; is there something you want to tell us, Twilight?" Celestia asked, almost demandingly.

"Er, I guess that I'm getting sleepy?"

"Is that all? There's nothing else you think we need to know?" Luna asked in a chilling manner.

I wasn't liking where this conversation was going. I subtly moved a hand behind my back, filling it with magic. If this interrogation went where I think it was going, I'd need some method of escape. "I'm sure you have a subject in mind."

"How about dark magic? That seems to be popular today." Celestia suggested coldly.

I smiled wryly. "What, is magic not complicated enough that we also have to worry about a light/dark duality?"

Celestia spun and glared oppressively. "Do not joke about this, Twilight. We take dark magic very seriously."

I dropped my smile. "So, what? Are you investigating me? You think I used dark magic?"

"Twilight, I know you used dark magic."

I let out a big breath, partly with relief. It was good that they didn't catch on to my big secret. That still left me with our current topic, which still filled me with dread. There were few things as scary as having to discuss dark powers beyond your knowing. Which I apparently used. "I didn't even realize that I did."

Celestia's eyes narrowed. "You've been my student for over ten years, Twilight. I've overseen your education since the beginning. When you claim that you didn't realize what you were doing, try to remember that I know that claim as the lie it truly is."

Damn, Twilight must have dabbled in dark magic before. That complicates things. "Okay, so what's the big deal?"

"Dark magic is dangerous." Luna stated simply. "One false step is all it takes for dark magic to wreak unimaginable damage to not only the caster, but the ponies around them."

"Yes, we've seen ponies fall to the darkness before. It twists them into a cruel reflection of the once noble pony seeking only to sate their dark desires." Celestia added grimly. "It's what cost me my sister for a thousand years, and the reason I made you promise to never use dark magic ever again."

"Well you can rest easy, because I didn't intend to use dark magic. I barely even noticed that it happened." I said.

"If you used dark magic on accident, then things aren't as simple as we'd hoped." Luna said with a sigh. "Even a small brush with dark magic indicates that the user has opened themselves to the darkness in their heart."

I laughed wryly. "What, like I haven't done that already?"

Celestia glared me down. "Twilight, be serious. Somepony who uses dark magic willingly is predictable. They'll often act according to their inner demons and act with reckless abandon. An accidental case is more difficult to deal with as one can never be sure that they'll remain stable. They require immediate and nearly constant surveillance to limit their destructive potential."

My wry smile was strained. "So you have ponies watching me?"

Celestia stared hard into my eyes with calculating scrutiny. "No."

My smile took a paranoid tinge. Liar. "So what now? Am I forever tainted by the darkness of my soul?"

Celestia shook her head ruefully. "I hoped that you improved after all these years. You've managed to go a decade without using dark magic again. Tell me, what did you use that magic for?"

I considered that for a moment. If I told them that I was protecting Spike in the forest, they'd want to know why he was out there. I couldn't think of anything convincing, so I decided on ambiguity. "Well, I was out in the Everfree Forest and fought some timberwolves. Not a big deal, right?"

"Why do I get the feeling you aren't telling us everything? You're hiding something." Luna observed.

I chuckled disarmingly. "I don't know why that is. That's really what happened."

"And when you used dark magic?" Luna prodded.

"What can I say? I was desperate."

They scrutinized my body language. "Yet you seem none the worse for wear." Celestia claimed.

Heh, if they only knew. I wondered if showing them my wounds would help. Celestia spoke before I could make a decision on the matter. "What were the exact circumstances when you used dark magic? That would be very helpful in determining what needs to be done."

The effort I showed to recall the events was a nice facade to me thinking of a clever alibi. "I was fearful for my life. The wolves were bearing down on me, and I needed some way to fend them off. I just reacted."

"I see, so you were acting upon instinct." Luna concluded. She turned to her sister. "While her actions were understandable and just, they were ultimately under self-interest."

"Yes, which is unfortunate." Celestia sighed. "Twilight, I understand your actions and I'm very glad you survived, but it's necessary that we scan you for potential corruption."

"And what does this scan entail?" I asked.

"It's a spell that scans and analyses one's soul power. It will rate one's soul on a colored scale to determine the amount of corruption one has endured. With this spell, we'll know for sure how much danger dark magic has to your soul."

"Scanning my soul, you say?" I chuckled nervously. While I would love to assuage Celestia's fears over me, nothing good would come from this. If she got that spell off and scanned me, she'd find out in an instant that I wasn't the real Twilight. "Well, you have your reasons, but I'll have to decline."

"This wasn't up for discussion." Celestia said, lighting up her horn.

The light of her horn expanded and a magic aura moved to engulf me. I shot my energized hand out and unleashed magic of my own. A lavender aura met gold and surrounded it. The purple energy shrunk around Celestia's spell and snuffed it out, dispelling the effect.

Celestia and Luna took a shocked step forward, surprised at my hostile reaction. "Twilight Sparkle, what is the meaning of this insubordination?" Luna demanded.

I smiled with a worried shrug. "Well, it's important to stand on one's principles, you know? I'm a huge proponent of the right to privacy, and it doesn't get much more invasive than peeking in on something as personal as my soul."

Celestia lowered herself in a challenging stance. "Twilight, we need to do this. This is for everyone's safety! None of us yet know where you stand!"

I held my hands out to my sides, palms up and flaring with magic. "I'll tell you where I stand: life and liberty for all, even those you'd declare a public threat."

"Twilight, think about what you're doing." Celestia pleaded. "We do not wish to fight. Save yourself from undue harm and stand down."

"No can do, Princess." The flaring power in my hands intensified with my desperation. "I'd like to avoid fighting you as well, but I'd rather not subject myself to one of your invasive tests. Sorry, but my stance remains."

They lowered themselves aggressively, lighting their horns and ready to engage. "We had hoped that you would let us do what needed to be done without trouble, but you've given us no choice: we must restrain you."

I raised my arms, letting the aura of my power outline my strained smile. "I'd like to see you try."

Damn it, this wasn't going to end well. If I were in full condition, this would be difficult. Injured, this was nigh impossible. I'd need some way to work around my injuries, first of all. I couldn't heal my ankle, but I could numb the pain. It was risky, but an ice blast could take away the feeling long enough for me to stumble outside and take flight. That's assuming they didn't beat me to the punch and blast me immediately. Okay, Universal Dispel in one hand and Frost Bite in the other. Once I get outside, I'd cast flight and fight in the air.

Wait, they were alicorns; they're more accustomed to fighting in the air than I am. What choice did I have? It was either that or fight on an injured foot. Whatever, I'd have to wing it. They were dead set on this, and I couldn't just let them find me out on their own. Outsmarting two opponents at once was my only chance.

If I could just tell them about me saving Spike, then we might have avoided this.

"Wait!"

Celestia, Luna, and I turned to the table. Spike stood on top, fists clenched apprehensively. "You said that you have to scan her because she was acting in self-interest, right?"

"That's right." Celestia confirmed unsurely.

"So you wouldn't have to if she were acting for someone else, right?"

"Right again, Spike."

Spike took a deep breath, as if he was about to do something risky. "Well, Twilight wasn't fighting for herself. She was fighting for me."

"She was fighting for your sake? But why would you go into the forest?" Luna asked.

"Er, well, there's that castle out there. Twilight and her friends talked about it, and I just wanted to see what it was like." Spike said, impressing me. Spike just lied to the princesses' faces.

Luna and Celestia exchanged glances. "And you went alone, or were you with Twilight?"

"I was with Twilight when the timberwolves attacked." Spike answered. "When one of them tried to get me, Twilight snapped and beat them. She calmed down after that."

"Hmm, would you care to elaborate on the details, Twilight?" Celestia pressed.

I nodded. "One of the wolves attempted to bite Spike, and I just flew into a rage. I had to destroy the wolves before they got to Spike. When I saw that Spike was okay after the fighting stopped, the power and fury just left me."

There was a tense moment of silence. The auras didn't leave their horns, so I had to remain at the ready with my own magic. Celestia and Luna looked between us in consideration.

Celestia finally let out a relieved breath, and their magic died down. "That's good. I was worried for a moment."

I relaxed only a bit. "That's it, then? You aren't going to push this?"

"We still need to talk." She said, gesturing to the table. "Let's have a seat."

"Yeah," They sat at the table before me. I moved slowly on my pained ankle, trying my best to hide my injury. Luna glanced down at my foot, but made no other move to acknowledge my inhibition. "So how important was it that I was defending Spike in this? Why was that such a deciding factor?"

"There are many kinds of dark magic." Luna explained. "It's born from anger, jealousy, sorrow, and even fear. If one were to partially merge oneself with the darkness, as you have, motivation determines the extent of the corruption. If you were alone, then you would likely have summoned your fear. For a while afterwards, you would be consumed by that fear, fearing everything as a threat to your life. In this case where you were fighting to protect someone else, the damage is mitigated immensely. Since your anger disappeared when the fight ended, you were in control of yourself immediately and resumed normal activity."

"In other words, you came here to make sure I wasn't still affected."

"Yes and no." Celestia stepped in. "You aren't currently under its effects, but the damage has been done. Once somepony uses dark magic, especially with such intensity as you did, they are liable to do so again. Continued use would reduce the user's emotional control to the point that they'll act completely on emotion. Their sapience would be suspect, and as far as we can tell, one who's lost to the darkness in such a way ceases to be intelligent."

Celestia frowned grimly. "That's why it's important you learn to better control your emotions. It's not just you who's in danger if you lose control."

I lowered my gaze somberly. I didn't think my emotions would become such a problem. "I see. I'm sorry I lost control like that."

Celestia sighed. "There's no need to apologize for this incident. This is just a warning for you to be more careful in the future."

"Right, I'll be sure to avoid such conflict."

"I'm afraid it's not that simple." Luna lamented. "After such a dark surge, any intense emotion could cause a relapse. Avoiding fights is well and good, but you need to better handle yourself around even common annoyances. Every slight tragedy and irk is now a cause for concern."

I gripped my chest like I was hit in the sternum. "What? Is it really that bad?"

Luna hung her head. "I would know, Twilight Sparkle, I would know."

Sweat trickled down my face, nerves shooting on all fearful cylinders. "My God..."

"Twilight, please relax." Celestia soothed. "It's not all bad. Don't forget about the friendships that have gotten you here; they can help you even now."

I breathed deeply, holding a hand over my throat. I calmed myself the best I could, even if my fears were getting the better of me. The fold of my cloak slid down my arm as I concentrated.

"Twilight, what happened to your arm?" Celestia asked in shock.

I looked over my arm, finding three deep punctures from where I blocked a timberwolf's claw. Blood still trickled out, coating my arm in congealed red fluid. I held back a gasp which came out as a grunt. "This is nothing." I wiped at it with the edge of my cloak.

"Twilight, you are bleeding." Luna said, as if it meant something to me.

"It's just a flesh wound." I claimed. I wrapped it temporarily in my cloak, at least until I got around to getting the bandages again.

"It's more than that, isn't it?" Luna inferred. "You're movement earlier seemed a bit sluggish, so I ask you this: what are you hiding under your cloak?"

I grit my teeth. You just had to push it didn't you, Luna? I waved a glowing hand over my garments, dismissing them. What they saw drew shocked gasps from them. Medical tape, bandages and gauze all over me gave me an admittedly beaten appearance. Honestly, I didn't feel as good as I looked. Believe me, I know what I said.

"Twilight, you're very heavily injured! Were you really going to fight us in this condition?" Celestia gawped.

I looked off to the side. "If it came to that."

"But why didn't you go to the hospital, or even stop at the Element of Kindness's house? You need medical treatment!"

"I'm not going to alert anypony to my problems, Celestia. I did what I had to to keep this on the down low."

"Why the secrecy?" Luna asked. "Such pain must have been difficult to bear!"

"I can handle myself, so I'm not going to beg my friends, or anypony else, for help."

"Twilight, this is your well-being we're talking about! Your life was in danger! I'm sure your friends wouldn't mind helping you with that!" Celestia argued.

"I don't want help." I grunted tersely, clenching my fists against my elbows. "I'll handle my problems on my own. Timberwolves, marauders, monsters; I'll even fight the gods if I have to, and I'll do it alone." My eyes glowed with dark energy. "I'm not involving any of my friends. My problems are mine alone."

Celestia clenched her jaw tensely at my emotional display. "Alright Twilight, we won't push you. If you don't mind my asking, why do you insist on doing things alone?"

I blew a heavy breath through my nose. "I just... I don't want to trouble anyone for my sake." She wouldn't. "I'm strong enough to handle things on my own, so I will. I won't bother anyone else."

"Twilight," Luna teleported by my side and held a hoof on my shoulder. "It's okay to share your burdens. Hiding your pain only hurts you more."

Celestia came to my other side to further comfort me. I stood heavily on my good leg and pushed my chair back, shrugging off Luna's hoof and stopping Celestia. "It's fine. I'm fine. This is just a bigger setback than usual, that's all." I hobbled back and raised a glowing hand. "If you all don't mind, I'm pretty tired. I'd just like to get some sleep right now."

"Don't you want some help getting up the stairs?" Luna asked, taking note of my shredded ankle.

"I've got it covered." I placed my hand over my chest. The weight lifted from my body as I hovered slightly over the floor. "It was nice seeing you both. I'll see you around."

I hovered slowly up the stairs, keeping my hands on a solid surface so I didn't lose my orientation. I didn't want them to realize that I was too drowsy to see straight. Just as well, I wanted this day to be over with. With a little sleep I hoped that the next day would be better than this one.

Celestia, Luna, and Spike watched Twilight float up the stairs, torn between the immediate reflex to go after her and offer whatever help they could and honoring her wishes. The latter ultimately won them over when she disappeared upstairs.

Celestia sighed with resignation. "It seems Twilight is unwilling to speak to us over her troubles." She looked over to Spike. "Has Twilight ever spoken to you about this? Do you know why Twilight would be so protective?"

Spike carefully considered his response. He could have told Celestia about Dusk. She would've done something and brought Twilight back by the end of the week. It would all be over. He made his choice. "I'm sorry, princess, but Twilight won't talk to me about it, either."

"I see." She sighed again. "It seems Twilight has some hidden insecurities."

"Perhaps it really is as simple as her not wanting to burden others?" Luna offered.

"It's possible." Celestia said. "Whatever the case, her emotional state is still a cause for concern. We must return to the castle and decide on what needs to be done."

"Agreed." Luna smiled at Spike, but her smile was a little forced. "It was good to see you again, noble drake. I hope we can meet again under better circumstances."

"Yeah, me too. I should get some bandages for Twilight in case she forgets to patch up." Spike gestured to the basement, where they usually kept such items.

"Then this is goodbye to you, Spike."

The Royal Sisters left, kindly shutting the door behind them. Spike made his way down to the basement and sifted through their stashed items, Dusk's words on his mind.

Spike couldn't help but notice how insistent Dusk was about doing things alone. She said "on her own" and "alone" an awful lot.

She mentioned that she didn't have anything waiting for her back home. She expressed her concern that she would lose her current friends. She didn't even mention some way of keeping in contact with him. A common theme in everything he knew about Dusk was that she didn't have anyone around for her. It was just her and her struggles.

The corner of his mouth twitched. Dusk, do you really think of it as you versus the world?

Gracious Mornings

Luna and Celestia landed upon the balcony silently, opening the doors into the castle without a sound. They sat within the dining room with practiced grace and grim poise. Though they sat in the dining room, an evening meal was the last thing on their minds.

"Is it really wise to leave Twilight Sparkle to her own devices?" Luna asked first.

"I believe so." Celestia replied. "Twilight is highly volatile right now, and since her trigger is outside interference, there's little we can do but stand aside. Our only real choice right now is to be there for her when she needs us."

Luna nodded. "Right, and we must hope that Twilight's friends will do the same."

"I have no fear that Twilight's friends will be there when the time comes. They share a special bond that only the best of friends could have."

Luna smiled at the thought. "It is good that Twilight has such friends she can count on." Celestia nodded absentmindedly, which Luna questioned. "I assume you have other concerns?"

Celestia only continued nodding to mask her thought. "I have a few... concerns, yes."

"Well, please enlighten me, sister: what is on your mind?"

Celestia leaned forward with her hooves together, holding them thoughtfully to her muzzle. "I used to think Twilight's change in behavior was a little odd, but now it seems extreme. How much do you know about Twilight's past?"

"I've heard nothing about it." Luna admitted.

"Then allow me to give you some context. About ten years ago, she had a magic surge of great destructive power. I managed to neutralize the worst of it, but I recognized that little filly's potential. I sponsored her education in the School for Gifted Unicorns and oversaw her curriculum. I've read every report on her behavior. I met with her on a monthly basis to personally guide her and review her performance. I thought I knew her more than any other pony." She let out a deep breath. "I just learned that I don't know her at all."

"What makes you say that?"

"For starters, Twilight has never displayed rebellion in her entire life. Every instructor described her behavior as 'perfect'. She was perfectly silent and attentive in class, always writing down notes at a feverish pace. She never raised her voice or spoke out of turn. Everypony who taught her wished more students were like her." Celestia's gaze drifted to the window, facing Ponyville. "There were no signs that anything like this could have happened. Even her nervous demeanor is new to me. She used to be so much more submissive, but now she holds it all back behind a grim facade."

"It is my belief that Twilight's meetings with me were calculated acts to make me believe in her as the perfect student." She continued. "I thought her motivation was to convince me that she deserved the opportunity I gave her. It makes sense: her attentive nature and eagerness to please me were a little overbearing at times. If it was all just an act, then she was very good at it."

Celestia's tone darkened slightly. "But if everything I knew about her until recently was all an elaborate act, then she's a more skilled manipulator than I anticipated. I never caught on until she outright told me a few months ago. I'm now worried that I let yet another student stumble on a dark path because I didn't recognize the signs."

"You mean Sunset Shimmer." Luna clarified.

Celestia nodded. "Since my failure with her, I decided on a more direct approach to my students. But now, with Twilight rapidly succumbing to dark powers, I'm wondering if I'm failing for a third time at protecting the ones I care for."

Luna scooted next to her sister and placed a wing over her, holding her comfortingly. "Sister, do not blame yourself for these tragedies. You are not at fault for ponies who heed the allure of power."

Celestia smiled at her sister. "Thank you for the confidence," Celestia looked forward, regaining the grim mask of thought. "But I can't ignore my constant failing to help my friends, especially when one of them doesn't trust me enough to let me know something's wrong." She growled softly and rubbed her temple. "And she was so defensive. What is it about her soul that makes her so willing to fight her mentor when she didn't have a problem with it before?"

"Perhaps it was her age? Ponies become more private as they mature."

"That could be it." Celestia said. "But there are other possibilities, namely something I put little stock in when I first heard it."

"Like...?"

"The Twilight we've been meeting could be an impostor."

Luna jumped back from her sister in shock. "You mean she's been replaced?"

"It's a possibility." Celestia said. Celestia summoned a mirror and infused it with her magic. The reflection shifted to an image of Twilight, in her human form, sleeping soundly as a busy little dragon wrapped her arm with bandages. She dismissed the mirror with a grunt. "No, that is the real Twilight."

"Maybe, but if you think it's a possibility, aren't there ways of misdirecting divinations?" Luna asked.

Celestia gave the suggestion some thought. "Yes, it would make sense if that were the case. It would explain her sudden change in temperament, but it seems a little far-fetched. We'd have to assume that Twilight is not only gone, but the one who replaced her went to extensive lengths to make sure we'd never find the real one with specialized spells. Then again, even Spike said that Twilight's behavior is odd..."

"So what's the verdict?"

"We don't have enough information." She admitted. "Are there any other oddities you noticed?"

Luna only had a few experiences with Twilight, so it didn't take her long to think of something. "If you ask me, it seems like Twilight feels guilty over something." When Celestia gave her a questioning look, Luna elaborated. "On Nightmare Night, we shared a solemn conversation about past mistakes. She was the one to suggest that we mustn't forget our mistakes. Further, she spoke of regret regarding lies. It sounds to me like she was speaking of pretending to be somepony else. Perhaps this means she regrets acting like the 'perfect student' because it meant nopony ever got to know the 'real' her."

"Or maybe it means her conscience is catching up to her current act." Celestia was about to continue along that train of thought, but shook her head. "No, that can't be. Whenever I spoke with Twilight, she would downplay her role in events with her friends. She didn't think she did much when encountering the dragon on the mountain, instead giving sole credit to her friend. It's impossible to tell what really happened, but I'd wager that Twilight is unable to admit her own actions that day. This is constant; Twilight speaks of her friends more often than herself. I think this is indicates the problem she has with dark magic: she's insecure about her own worth. She's played a role to fit with the ponies around her that she questions her own worth now that she isn't hiding behind an act. This instability within her mind made her susceptible to dark power when pushed to the extreme." Celestia quickly hid her hopeful smile to address Luna. "What do you think?"

Luna sighed. "You came to that conclusion awfully fast, but it makes much sense. It's not too far from what happened to me, and I share a few similarities with Twilight Sparkle. I will trust your judgement on this one."

Celestia couldn't help her smile returning. "Then perhaps Twilight isn't lost. We should send a Nullification Squad to Ponyville and have them on standby, integrating in the town and keeping damage to a minimum should the worst come to pass. If memory serves, we have an available agent who can keep tabs on Twilight, just in case something goes wrong."

"The sooner we send the orders the better, right?" Luna stood from her seat. "If there is nothing else we need to discuss, I'll relay the order and have them ready by sunrise."

Celestia shook her head. "I'm sure everything will work out. Go ahead and send the order."

"Very well, I'll be back shortly." Luna left the room, swiftly but not in a hurry.

Celestia relaxed, sunk into her chair, and looked out the window again. "I'd like to believe you're real, Twilight. Prove to me that you are."

I forced my eyes open, bleary from a poor night's sleep. I still felt tired, my head was swimming, and the room seemed to glow from the way my vision blurred. The sheets clung to my back as if I was sweating and stationary all night. All things considered, I wasn't having a comfortable morning.

I clenched and loosened the hand of my injured arm, for there was an annoying tightness that kept me aware of it. I sat up, my vision spinning as I adjusted.

Five seconds passed. I looked over my arm, discovering the bandages that covered it. I knew I didn't do that myself. I smiled over at Spike, sleeping in his basket. What a good kid.

I glanced over at the clock, ticking away at just shy of seven in the morning. It was a good time to get out of bed and cook a special breakfast. My magic encompassed my body, reducing its weight to nothingness. I floated off my bed.

After a quick stop in the restroom for a little maintenance, I hovered downstairs towards the kitchen. My eyes scanned the room, inquisitively searching for a good way to start the day. Eggs would make for a nice start. I sent out my magic to the fridge, plundering its contents for the carton I needed. My magic brought forth the skillet I needed and set the stove top to an appropriate temperature.

Screw pre-heating; I have fire spells. A red beam hit the underside of the skillet, instantly making it red hot. I set it down and went to work on the eggs themselves.

I was controlling a maelstrom of culinary debris, containers of salt and pepper circuiting the room alongside peppers and onions. A cavalcade of flying knives spun and danced among the vegetables, mincing them into little bits. The many ingredients within my spells collided and mixed perfectly in the gyrating pan. My senses came alive at the smell and the sizzle of these perfect eggs, onion and pepper mixed within for a dazzling display of delicious perfection. Truly there was nothing better than eggs in the morning.

But why stop at eggs? You can hardly have breakfast without toast. I covered the skillet and levitated the bread from the nearby counter and conjured a hallow sphere of flame around it. The kitchen glowed orange from the intense flames for only a few seconds. I dismissed the ball just as quickly as I conjured it. I found the bread to be crisp and warm, the perfect condition for a good piece of toast. The butter hovered out of the fridge and spread onto each slice as I directed.

Pancakes! Who could forget pancakes? And orange juice! Might as well throw some hash-browns while I'm at it.

The kitchen whirled around me, utensils and ingredients obeying my every command. I was the eye of the storm and the kitchen was my playground. Knives, forks, condiments, napkins; everything fell into place according to my vision. A veritable feast for the common pony, set for two, awaited our consumption.

So I waited, and I didn't need to wait long. Everything simmered as I sat at the table, keeping my ankle elevated harmlessly away from the floor. Spike came by a few minutes later to see me with my leg propped up by a stack of dictionaries. "Good morning, Dusk." He greeted with a fleeting look at the books. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Never better." I assured. "I felt well enough to crawl out of bed and make a great breakfast, at least."

Spike joined me at the table and looked over everything I prepared. "Wow, this looks incredible!" His features took a suspicious tint. "Pretty big, too. What's the occasion?"

"It's just a great morning." I deflected. "I figured we might as well start the day with something great as well."

Spike nodded slowly, unconvinced, but didn't argue when he grabbed a fork. I followed suit. We each took a bite of our food, finding it to taste about as good as it looked. Spike wasted no time after his first bite to dig in voraciously. I took a more moderate pace, for I wanted to ease my way into conversation. A drink of orange juice was a good starting point, I figured.

"So I noticed you wrapped up my arm last night." I began warmly, widening a smile. "Thanks for that."

With his mouth still filled with toast, he waved bashfully. "Aw, don't worry about it!"

"There's more to it than that, I suspect." I held back a chuckle at his confused expression. "I left you alone with the princesses and I didn't wake up in prison. You stood behind me when you could have just as easily done what would have been natural a couple of days ago. I'm really thankful that you're giving me this chance to do things myself."

"Well, yeah, I mean you're not a bad pony." He said.

"Not really a pony, but still." Noticing his glass was getting empty, I poured him some more juice. "I appreciate that you're giving me the chance I didn't deserve, so I'd like to show my thanks."

"Is that why we're having such a great breakfast?"

"No, as I said, today's just a great day!" I smiled widely with a little forced effort. "I want to do something big and really show you how thankful I am. I'll take requests, if you have them."

"Okay, bring back Twilight, then."

"No, I can't accept that; I was already going to bring her back, so you might as well think of something else."

Spike lowered his eyes in humble rejection. "No, I can't really ask for more than that."

"Sure you can. I stole your sister's body for seven months, so you can really ask me for anything."

I might have felt a little guilty for making him accept gratitude he was willing to leave behind, but I honestly felt better knowing that he was thinking of something I could do for him. He shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe you could teach me magic?"

I raised an eyebrow at the request. "That would be interesting, but what makes you think I could train you in magic?"

"Well, you discovered how humans can cast spells, and you can do the same as a unicorn, so maybe there's some way for dragons to do it? If anypony could figure it out, it'd be you."

I nodded, turning a fork in my hands. "Well, alright. I mean, when you think about it, dragons do have magic abilities, so maybe we just need a way to expand them." I squeezed the fork in my fist and grinned resolutely. "Alright, let's do it. First thing after I heal my wounds, we're going on a little quest of discovery."

"Okay!" Then he frowned in confusion. "Wait, did you say you would 'heal your wounds'?"

"Yep. What, did you think I was going to sit around uselessly while I recovered? I'm a mage; I'll just magic myself healthy again." Once I find the spells I need in a book I'm sure we have somewhere.

"Oh. Well I can't wait until we do it."

"Right on." I ate the rest of my toast and hovered off my chair. "I'll go look for the medical spells."

"Look for Herbal Remedy's Magic Healing Compendium."

"Right, thanks."

I almost hovered out of the kitchen when Spike asked me a question. "Hey Dusk, you know you aren't alone, right?"

I gazed back curiously. "Why are you asking that?"

"You're adamant that you need to do this alone, right? After the way you spoke yesterday, I'm just a little worried that you're so focused on doing things alone that you'll end up hurting yourself, again."

I smiled sweetly at his concern. "I wouldn't worry about that, Spike. If all goes well, it won't be a concern for very long."

Spike nodded with a slight change in his expression that I hoped meant he was satisfied with my answer. I shot him a quick thumbs-up and hovered out with my objective in mind. After a quick read through the healing magic, it would be time for a little experimentation and dragon magic. How exciting; an expansion on existing ability that Spike could use!

Come to think of it, I should probably experiment with other transmutations and spells to see what I can do to expand myself. Maybe I could transform myself into a creature of my own design or make some spells that enhance my strength!

If yesterday taught me anything, it was that I needed to be prepared for tough fights in my future. It was timberwolves this time, but they're hardly the strongest or most deadly monsters in the Everfree. Hydras, cockatrices, cragodiles, strangler vines; I'd need to be ready to fight those things if my current plans of "summoning" Twilight failed.

And they will.

I couldn't help but smile at the thought of getting more powerful. As powerful as I was, I wanted more power, and I couldn't wait to use it.

Higher Education

Bon Bon stirred the mixture in a trance. Glowing fluid of mixed reds and blues swirled in the pot at the circular motions of her wooden spoon. Far be it for a candy maker to experiment with magic brews, but Bon Bon was a bit revolutionary in that regard. Why make chocolate when you can make magic chocolate?

Not that these were going up for sale. She'd never sell something so crucial.

Yet as important as it was to make this brew just right, Bon Bon zoned out. The motions were familiar to her. She would have a harder time getting it wrong than accidentally succeeding at this point in her life. She just kept stirring, staring into the pot, letting her mind wander.

Did I leave the porch light on last night? Ugh, it figures that I would. Top of my class in the greatest academy in the world, yet I can't remember to leave myself a note to turn that light off. While I'm at it, I shouldn't forget to give Lyra those mints I've been telling her about. Perhaps Lyra will be loitering in the park, again.

The mixture settled into a pale purple solution, still glowing. As expected and desired, her job here was done. She placed a lid on the pot and lowered the heat to a simmer. Another batch of her specialty formula was just an hour from completion. All she needed now was to pour a little bit into some truffles and the rest into vials, and her monthly routine would be set. All that remained was for her to avoid getting distracted for the next sixty minutes.

There was a heavy knock at her front door. She sighed. Please let it be mailpony being a ditz, again.

She opened the door, taking in the visitor. A beige pegasus with dull yellow eyes smiled nonchalantly at her doorstep. He reached back to his saddlebags and pulled out a scroll tied by a single red string. "Miss Drops, I presume?"

Dang it, this was important. Bon Bon widened a fake smile to hide her irritation. "Oh, I'm sorry, but I believe you have the wrong house. Are you speaking of Sweetie Drops? I get her mail an awful lot. If you'd like, I could hoof it over to her for you."

The stallion's gaze went critical. "Only if you know what must be done in the dead of night."

"You prepare for the coming dawn."

The stallion relaxed at the odd response. "Well, I suppose I could let you hang onto it. Here you go."

Bon Bon took the scroll. "Okay, I'll make sure she gets this right away."

"Thanks a lot!" The stallion waved farewell and trotted merrily away.

She looked at the scroll in her hoof. Ugh, figures it would be red string. It couldn't be something less important like brown string, or less time-consuming like blue string. No no, it just so happens to be red. She sighed and closed the door.

Whatever problem deserved the red string, it couldn't wait. She pulled off the string and unfurled the scroll.

Sweetie Drops,

Our apologies for the sudden assignment, but you are the only agent we have available in the area. There is a potential large scale threat in Ponyville that requires your surveillance, that being a dark magic user. She is not an immediate threat, but we have reason to believe that there is more to her than her appearance and behavior would suggest. She may be living in disguise.

Your target is the librarian Twilight Sparkle who resides in the Golden Oaks Library. You must gather any information on her that you can. Spy on her and report any suspicious behavior and information you can find.

This assignment will be a prolonged effort on keeping tabs on a potential threat. Equestria is counting on your success.

Bon Bon, or Sweetie Drops if you were a co-worker, twitched her eye. It was kind of hard to believe that the librarian was a dark magic user, though it was probably a matter of time with her anger-issues. Though that bit about her living in disguise was worrying. Why would anypony believe Twilight was anything more than a slightly angrier than normal pony? She guessed that was what she was supposed to find out.

So Sweetie Drops had to get something incriminating on Twilight and report it. Simple stuff. Nopony ever caught on to Sweetie's work before, so this should be no different.

She only needed to burn this scroll and suit up.

The page flipped to the second page for the excessively long paragraph I needed. How complicated was this spell? This wasn't just another spell that I could cast and forget; this was a sustained action that would take two full minutes before the deed was done. Geez, it was like this spell would completely redo the musculature of my ankle.

"Any luck?" Spike asked as he left the kitchen. He just finished putting away the dishes, so he came out to see if I made any progress.

"Yeah," I finished the paragraph, finally, reading aloud the last paragraph that seemed almost like an afterthought. "'Make sure to have the subject restrained while the spell is completed.'"

"What does that mean?"

I set the book down and pursed my lips with unease. "It means this is going to suck the big one." I sighed. "Alright, let's improvise some restraints."

We found some rope in the basement. It's almost as if we need to give that place a good look-over sometime. In any case, we fastened my leg on a table and kept the book nearby.

I took a deep breath and went over the spell one more time. I didn't recognize some of the dweomers used in the spell, so they were probably from an unknown school of magic. I would have loved going into that mystery, but I knew it was just an excuse to delay the inevitable. My hands lit up with arcane power. I muttered a quick prayer for mercy and directed the energy to my ankle.

My prayer went unanswered.

I threw my head back with a scream as pain shot through my leg. Our little set-up tumbled back with me; I fell back in my chair and the table tilted back to keep my legs secured. I had my back on the floor and my legs held up at an angle with pain in my ankle and my now sore back. As I thought, it was a great day.

"D-Dusk! Are you okay?" Spike rushed to my side in worry.

"Urrgh, son of a bitch..." I sat up and applied some pressure to my ankle. "That hurt worse than I thought."

"Are you sure we shouldn't just go to the hospital?"

"I'm not paying a thousand bits for something I can do myself for free." I argued while trying to steady my breath.

"Healthcare is free in Equestria."

"Whatever." I powered up again. "I'm just going to go for it. Bear with my screaming, it's only because I'm in agony."

Swirling energy pushed into my ankle, painfully pulling and stretching torn ligaments and muscles or whatever it was doing. It certainly felt like it was stretching out my ligaments. Maybe that's what it was doing. The spell itself said it was going to "[blank] subject's internal injuries and [blank]." Who knows what that means.

This is all to distract you from the fact that I spent a solid two minutes screaming at the pain. It was just one solid yell from start to finish, and I ran out of air about halfway through, so it was more of an expression of purest agony with a wispy squeak on the second half. Poor Spike was pressed into the corner with terror on his face. It was like he witnessed a gruesome ritualistic murder, and as far as he knew, that's exactly what happened.

The pain subsided after a while. With the pain receding, I took that as the sign that it was all over. The magic died in my hands, and my breath heavier than its been in my entire life. I blinked my eyes a few times, making my vision's clarity go from "accidentally poured bleach on my smartphone" to "windshield during rain without windshield wipers".

"Is- is it over?" Spike hesitantly, fearfully, asked.

Without the breath necessary to vocalize a response, I gave him a half-hearted thumbs-up.

He took the hesitant steps necessary to kneel next to me and look me over. "Your leg is all better. That's good, right?"

I took a large breath. "Yeah," I lost my breath again.

"Are you okay?"

Large inhale. "I guess."

Spike awkwardly avoided my eyes. "Do you need a glass of water?"

I tried to sit up, but I only managed a half-crunch before my head went woozy and I collapsed again. "*Gasp* Dammit. I-" Wheeze. "I got this." I tried again, but it was pretty hard to sit up when my leg was still bound.

Noticing my plight, Spike sauntered to the rope and casually scratched the rope with a single claw. The rope snapped easily and completely unraveled. The table, circular in shape, rolled away. I sat up properly this time and felt another wave of blood rushing to my head. My eyes spun in their sockets. "Okay," I began weakly. "Let's break in my newly healed ankle with a nice, easy walk to the kitchen."

"Are you sure you don't want to just lie down for a bit?"

"Nope, just give me a minute." I sat perfectly still and regained my bearings.

I stood up and rolled my ankle a few times. There was a numb feeling to it I can't really explain. Maybe I just needed to give it a good stretch? I walked to the kitchen while Spike just shrugged behind me. He began his work on cleaning up the library's main room and I opened the door to the kitchen.

My day was just getting weird. A pony ninja froze like a deer in the headlights half-way through my window, climbing in. Her face and mane were covered with a black mask that only revealed her blue eyes. Various espionage tools were wrapped around her midsection, acting as a belt for her black full body suit. I could still see her tail: It was dark blue with a pink streak in the middle.

We held eye contact for a little while before I spoke up. "Er, you know the library is a public building, right? You could just use the front door."

The ninja mare's eyes shifted either way. "Uh... right."

"Well, I doubt you're here to return a book. Are you a spy?"

"... No."

"Celestia sent you?"

She gasped. "How did you know?"

I gave her a deadpan frown. "Lucky guess."

Spike shouted behind me. "Who are you talking to?"

"Celestia sent a spy to keep tabs on me. I mean, I'm already used to the idea of the government invading my privacy, but..." I held back on completing that thought for obvious reasons.

"Aw, seriously?" Spike groaned. "When did Equestria get a secret service?"

"I dunno." I turned to the kitchen. "Hey, when did-" The ninja disappeared. "Huh. Well, I guess I'll just do what I came here for."

I opened the cabinet where we keep the glasses. I found the ninja in there huddled into a ball. She got that shocked look in her eyes again.

I sighed. "Can you pass me a glass?" She hoofed one over. "Thanks." I closed the door on her.

I returned to the living room to find Spike had moved some of the furniture to give us more space. I wasn't sure how necessary that would be, but it was good thinking. I sat cross-legged in the middle where Spike joined me in doing the same.

"Alright, to discover your inner magic, we'll need to determine how you channel your power."

"How do we do that?"

"We think it through." I began. "Unicorns are obvious; their magic is channeled through their horn. Humans can cast from their extremities; their arms and legs. One is a four-legged creature and the other is a two-legged creature. Despite your bipedal movement and behavior, dragons are quadrupeds. To test this, I want you to concentrate on your solar plexus. There's a bundle of nerves there that's basically where your central ethereal core resides, or the base of your soul. I'll need you to flex that core."

Spike was looking a little overwhelmed. "How do I do that?"

"Find your core and tell it to expand. Force it to grow and engulf your body."

"Like, by speaking?"

"Not unless you're performing an incantation. Just make it a mental command in the same way to control your breathing."

"Oh, I think I know what you mean!" Spike breathed in deeply and held out his arms. His breath released slowly as a soft glow emanated through his torso.

I looked over this curiously, noting a few details. Spike knew exactly what I meant when I mentioned breathing and immediately glowed. That told me a few things about dragon magic. "Alright, try to force that energy to your claws."

"Okay," His face scrunched with effort. Try as he might, the glow stayed in his chest.

"Hmm, I think I got it."

Spike dropped his effort and smiled hopefully. "You do?"

"Yes, a dragon's magic comes from their chest, rather than their limbs like a human. Somewhere in their chest resides the organ that channels their energy. The only thing I can conclude is that it has to do with dragon breath. Only dragons can breathe fire like they do, and it's certainly not a natural occurrence if your use of it is any indication. If you can send scrolls with your breath, then my assumption that dragon magic is based on dragon breath must be accurate."

"So I've been using magic this whole time?" Spike asked.

"I guess so. It turned out to be really simple, huh?" We laughed uneasily. "In any case, there must be more you can do with it." I conjured a tiny box with a simple lock. "There's a simple spell I want you to try: Lock. It's a simple three word spell that even a novice can do. Here," I grabbed some parchment and a quill and wrote down the spell. "Try to memorize this and use this as a filter on the way you unleash the magic."

"Um, won't that just burn the box?"

"Not if you cast the spell correctly. Think of your magic as a beam of light and the spell as a translucent prism: applying your magic through the spell will alter its effects."

Spike nodded and read the spell. With it in mind, he breathed a green stream of fire onto the box. The flames covered the box entirely and covered it from sight. When the fire cleared, all that was left was the box's lock itself.

"Ah, that could have gone better." I said. "That, and I'm sure it's still unlocked."

"Uh, I'll try again." Spike breathed more fire. Well, it was more like a little puff than the previous stream.

"You'll need to put more power into it. Don't be afraid to apply that energy of yours; nothing can go wrong that I can't fix."

Spike's mouth twitched uneasily. He blew again, but the fire spread wide and didn't even hit anything. Mostly because it still fell short.

"You're still holding back." I noted. "I know you're nervous because you burned the box last time, but I need you to go all out here. Don't be nervous; stay focused on your goal and your spell and let loose."

He took a deep breath and blew very hard. The flames danced around the lock, and I noticed a slight key shape among them, but little else happened.

"Come on, one more time; full power!"

Spike pulled back for the longest intake of breath he could manage. He shot himself forward and let loose the most flames we've seen all day. This latest attempt was the largest cone of effect I've personally seen from a dragon, nearly reaching past the lock sitting between us. The spell was still unfocused, obviously, but his power was pretty decent for his age.

I frowned a little, though, when he didn't stop breathing the flames. In fact, the flames were growing stronger. Spike just wasn't giving up. He was determined to get this right. His eyes erupted into color. Green light filled his eyes and shot outwards like twin spotlights. The flames surged forward like a wall seeking to destroy.

I noticed the encroaching fire slightly before it reached me, covering myself in a flame-proof aura before I got roasted. The flames reached past me and arched towards the front door. I looked back to see the fire slam into the walls beyond me and set it alight.

I spun back to Spike, calling out for him. "Spike, stop! You're overdoing it!"

It wasn't so loud in there that my words were drowned out, yet he didn't hear me. Spike pulled back and sprayed fire straight up, holding his throat as if he was choking. Meanwhile, his actions spread the fire throughout the room. The library living room quickly became an inferno of magic flame that burned even through my fire resistant ward.

It was obvious to me that Spike was no longer in control of his actions. His magic was going wild and was destroying everything in the process. I lit my hands and swung them around in a circle. An icy chill swirled around the room and weakened the fires started around the room. While my storm was doing a good job with the fires trying to spread, it did nothing to stop Spike's sudden and continuing surge of magic fire.

He swung his head and body around, thrashing about in obvious pain. I grit my teeth at the sight. I wouldn't permit his suffering! I needed to fight this surge and end it now! I had only the idea to cut off his supply of magic, if only for a short time. I stopped sustaining the snowstorm and focused nullification magic in both hands. I shot them forward, sending my magic aura to encompass the entire event and stop this.

The flames were strong enough to resist my initial push. My magic only weakened the closest part of the fire. Damn it all, I had to use everything I had! I pushed again with full strength. Every ounce of power I could muster surged into the firestorm and surrounded the entirety, effectively keeping the magic flames from spreading. It didn't extinguish the other flames from their consumption, but that could wait; Spike needed me more. I maintained my push, intent on ending this.

Progress was slow at first. My magic pushed his back bit by bit, reaching ever closer to Spike himself. But this was when I was going full force, and I felt the strain immediately. I could give out at any moment, but Spike was still going strong. I squeezed my eyes shut, ground my teeth and dug my feet into the floor. My mind felt like it was slipping already.

All progress halted, and all I was doing was keeping things from escalating. I couldn't hold out for long. Already bursts of flame shot through my spell and lashed out at the bookshelves and myself. It wasn't just the room; my entire body was burning from the effort of keeping this up.

I peeked out at Spike, still struggling to keep his own magic under control without avail. He was in so much pain and his eyes were drooping.

My heart shook. Spike was fading! I glared harder than before. Black tendrils of energy coiled past my arms.

I won't lose Spike!

The black energy swirled around my aura and consumed it. Immediately, the black energy that coiled around myself and the flames constricted around Spike. With a final shout, I shoved the black energy down Spike's throat. The magic died down shortly afterwards. The light faded from his eyes, leaving the dilated slits I remember. No more emerald fire left his body. Spike's eyes drifted shut and he collapsed on the floor.

I retracted the energy as soon as it ended. I sent my magic out to snuff out the remaining fire and rushed over to cradle Spike. "Spike! Are you okay? Come on, say something!"

His only response was a wheezing inhale. I winced at the sound and laid him to the floor. I leaned in to hear his heartbeat, quick and erratic, but still there.

I squeezed the side of my head in panic. Passing out from lack of oxygen was not a good thing, even if he was still breathing. I had to heal him somehow. I darted eyes across the room to find the book I needed. Stacked on a table, mercifully untouched by the fire, was the book of medical spells. I threw out my hand, a black tendril shooting out and retracting with the book in its grasp. I flipped through it in a hurry, searching for that spell used on ponies with breathing problems.

Found it! Oxygen Transfer was a simple enough spell. I threw up my hand and condensed a ball of breathable oxygen in my power. I gently lowered it over Spike's chest as he made that all important inhale. The ball dissolved into him progressively with each breath.

His breathing steadied. I listened in on his heartbeat again, hearing it regulate on a strong, steady beat. I closed my eyes and let out a calm breath. The black coils receded into my chest while I just sat there smiled contentedly.

I pushed my hair back and looked around the room. Nearly everything was charred black from heat, but nothing was completely destroyed at least. I shook my head at it, though. I wasn't really worried about any of that.

I lifted Spike onto my shoulders with his legs draped over them and his head leaning against the back of mine. I felt his heart beating against my head, the satisfying rhythm that promised his well-being. I wasn't going to take the chance, though. He had a rough morning, and I had to make sure that he was taken care of.

I pulled the door open and strode forward with Spike's legs in my hands and a slump in my gait. Even though we were going to the hospital, I was happy with the way things turned out. Spike was alright. I knew he would be just fine.

Nearby ponies gathered around to ask what happened and if everything was alright. I was silent with a calm smile on my face. The only things that mattered at the time were my destination and my charge.

Bon Bon shook her head from her hiding spot around the corner. What kind of insanity was that? The dragon just went crazy and tried to destroy Twilight and the library!

She whipped out a piece of paper and a pen. She had to make note of this. Even though Twilight was the dark mage, she wasn't the real danger here. That dragon was a ticking time bomb!

Bon Bon wondered why Twilight fussed over the unconscious dragon, though. Didn't it just try to kill her? Twilight was awfully forgiving to excuse such an attempt on her life.

But what about that weird energy? Wasn't that dark magic? Bon Bon never saw it before, but it had to be. Was dark magic really that bad? It just saved two lives today, after all.

She shook her head again and concentrated on her notes. She could ask questions later. All that mattered now was what she was going to say in her report. Hopefully she could find something substantial in the library while they were gone.

Author's Note

I'm so sorry, I wanted this chapter to be a light-hearted affair, but it ended up like this. I was just going to let things wind down for a few chapters, but I wanted Spike to have a magic surge, and I had to think of the implications of that, and it wasn't very funny.

Plus, I got back into Dragonball. Gotta have an epic struggle somewhere.

White Room, Black Magic

I sat in a chair of my own making, arms crossed and glaring out the window across the room. I hated waiting, especially when it was for something this important. I was in a hospital room with two beds and a curtain that separated the two. Well, normally it would. There was only one occupant, so it was pulled all the way back to the wall. The door to the room was closed and barring the outside world from entering. It wouldn't do it's job very well, but we'll get to that.

I looked back to the only other person in the room, still unconscious. The doctor said "sleeping", but whatever. The important part was that he was breathing, which was why I came here in the first place: I wanted to keep it that way. The little dragon looked pretty snug on his own mattress. Maybe we should see about getting him an actual bed at the house. He never said anything about it...

Also, I wanted to know how they kept hospital gowns made for dragons in stock. They insisted on making him wear one, even if he was only staying until he could wake up.

I had a lot of things on my mind. That ninja was probably still in the library, wasn't she? I wondered what she would find in there. I couldn't recall if I left anything in there I shouldn't have. Then it struck me that there was an unsupervised ninja raiding my house. She'd find my booze for sure! Son of a bitch!

Further thoughts about her possibly even opening the bottles could wait for later. The aforementioned door failed to do its job properly, because Pinkie Pie kicked it open. She didn't open it forcefully, she kicked it. She ran in and slid to a stop at the foot of the bed. "OH MY GOSH WHAT HAPPENED IS EVERYONE ALRIGHT OH HAY OH NO NOPONY"S SMILING SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE BUT WHAT I'M NOT A DOCTOR ONLY IN SOCIOLOGY-"

I lost track of her rambling after that. I shot Spike a quick look to confirm that he was still out cold, and turned back to Pinkie. Her rambling led her to rubbing cupcakes together like a defibrillator (if I paid attention, she would have said something about cupcakes reviving fun). She threw the cupcakes at Spike, so I caught them in my magic before they could make a mess.

I set the cakes down on the floor just in time for the other girls to come in. Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash entered in a far more reserved fashion of worry. I waved gently in their direction and they responded in kind.

"Twilight, dear, how are you two?" Rarity asked, looking between me and Spike.

"We're doing fine." I said with a calm smile.

"Well what happened? We just heard yer library was burnin' and then you came out carryin' Spike on yer back." Applejack asked.

"And you're bleeding." Fluttershy noted, staring intently at my bandages.

I lifted up my injured arm to inspect the bandages. No blood came through. "How'd you know I'm still bleeding?"

Fluttershy looked away quickly. "I mean you're wearing bandages." She briefly looked over to see everypony staring at her. "I'm not creepy."

"Right," Rainbow quickly changed the topic. "So what happened in there? You're just suddenly injured in a big library fire and Spike is out cold! I don't think libraries are supposed to be that dangerous!"

"Well, for starters, my injuries weren't from the fire. I actually got these yesterday in an unrelated timberwolf attack." I explained.

"Wait, when did you fight timberwolves?" Rainbow asked incredulously. "I think we'd all know something about timberwolves coming into town."

"Right, which is why I found them in the Everfree Forest."

"When was that?" Pinkie asked curiously. "The only time you left the library was to run some errands."

"I actually went into the forest when I said that."

"So ya lied." Applejack deadpanned.

"You caught me." I conceded with a shrug. "But in my defense, if I told anypony, they would've insisted on following me."

"That's probably because the Everfree Forest is a dangerous place to roam alone." Rarity explained the obvious.

"Right, thus the lies."

"So ya lie so ya can go to dangerous places alone?" Applejack asked irritably.

I bobbed my head in thought about that. I figured my real reasoning should be secret. "Yeah,"

"That's very irresponsible." Rariry chided.

"Yeah, whatever." I dismissed with a wave.

"So that cloak you were wearing was to hide your cuts?" Pinkie asked, shocked. She gaped with her hooves to her head. "Oh my gosh, you were hurt this whole time, and I left you all alone!"

"That's not true!" I refuted with a gesture to the bed. "I was with Spike."

"So he knows how to treat lacerations?" Rarity asked.

"No." I tapped my chin. "Now that I think of it, I'm not sure if I did it right."

"So why didn't you just go to the hospital?" AJ asked.

"'Cause I'm hardcore." I stated resolutely.

"I really wish you wouldn't do that." Pinkie lamented.

"I prefer to think of it as me keeping my blood pressure low." I said with a shrug.

"That's not how that works." Rarity facehoofed.

"Well I still got medical treatment. Did I do it right, Fluttershy?" I looked at Fluttershy, only to realize that she was staring at my bandages with a gormless stare. I rolled my eyes. "Hey, can somepony snap Fluttershy out of her trance? She's drooling at my injuries."

Rainbow clapped her hooves next to Fluttershy, who snapped out of her stupor. "Huh, what?" Fluttershy looked around at us, feeling embarrassed. "Oh, I'm sorry; I zoned out." Her tail swished and her ear twitched. "Um, I'm getting pretty t-thirsty. I'll go get some water." She turned to the door and brushed her tail against Rainbow Dash on her way out.

Rainbow jumped at the contact and got flushed. "Uh, you know, I'm pretty thirsty, too. I think I'll go with Fluttershy." She hastened out of the room.

The rest of us stared after them. "You know, I think there's something going on between them." Rarity noted.

"You think?" I droned obviously.

"Hey, I think that, too!" Pinkie proudly admitted.

I smirked at the pink mare. "Then we're agreed."

"So if yer injuries were from the other day, what happened today?" Applejack asked, steering the conversation back on track.

"Well, we were working on some magic stuff when Spike started breathing fire out of control. It didn't take too long to figure out that he was having a magic surge, so I put a stop to that as soon as I could. Still burned up a bunch of the library, though."

"Um, did you just say he had a magic surge?" Rarity asked.

I scratched my head. "Yeah, we were trying to figure out dragon magic."

"So it worked?"

"I guess so. I mean, he could almost cast Lock."

"But ah thought only unicorns had magic." Applejack said.

"Every living creature has magic." I explained. "It's just that every creature has different ways of using it. Unicorns use their horns, humans use their hands, and dragons use their breath."

"Really?" Rarity looked upon a sleeping Spike with interest. "That's very interesting."

"So Earth Ponies can use magic too, right?" Applejack asked to clarify.

"I don't see why not." I answered.

Applejack tapped a hoof to her chin. "Hmm, if that's the case, then wouldn't that explain Pinkie Pie?"

We all turned to the pink mare in question. She frowned inquisitively. "What?"

"Huh." I nodded in affirmation. "That does explain everything about you. It's all just magic."

Pinkie's expression morphed into surprise as her tail shook. Without warning, a potted plant crashed onto my head. I held a hand to my throbbing head with a scowl. "AAAGH! What the hell was that?"

"A potted plant." Pinkie looked to the ceiling with scrutiny. "Hmm, I don't even know where that came from."

I rubbed my head wound and checked the others. They both shrugged. "So, uh, that Pinkie Sense. Is that magic?"

"I dunno." Pinkie replied easily.

I rolled my eyes. I guess magic didn't explain everything about her after all.

"I think we're getting off track. What happened this morning?" Rarity asked, thankfully getting back on topic.

I shook a little more dirt out of my hair. "Right, so we figured out that dragons can use magic for more than just burning things. I got Spike to try out an easy abjuration, but he's still a kid, so the spell ultimately failed." I gave that some thought. "... Or did it? I dunno, I didn't think to check since he started surging and burning everything."

I'd like to make a quick request: fuck my life. Seriously, I couldn't get a moment's rest. Just when Rarity was about to ask something, light flashed in the room. The ever tall and commanding presence of Princess Celestia found me once more for God knows what. I knew she was keeping tabs on me, but this shit was getting ridiculous.

Everypony else was quick to bow once they figured out what was happening. Me? I was nonchalantly returning Celestia's hard gaze. She wasn't happy with me, what else was new? "Twilight, what did you do?"

"I'm sure you're going to grill me about it." I replied expectantly.

Rarity and Applejack gaped at me like I just joked about her weight. Pinkie just looked between us with apprehension. Celestia's glare hardened. "Twilight, you know what we talked about."

"Yes,"

"That wasn't a question."

"I know."

She narrowed her eyes.

I sighed. "Look, what do you want from me? We had an accident in the library not an hour ago, so we rushed to the hospital. That's it!"

"Don't lie to me, Twilight. I sensed your use of dark magic; there's more to your story than that."

She "sensed" dark magic? Either she was monitoring me more closely than I thought, or she was more in tune with the world than I thought. In either case, I'd need to make some counter-measures at a later date. That left me to take care of present concerns. "Of course; we were practicing magic together. He had a surge, I reacted, and now we're here."

"What possessed you to hurt Spike like this?" She pressed.

My casual demeanor took a backseat at that question. My question was as hard as a brick. "Are you saying that I hurt Spike?"

"You used dark magic and Spike is now unconscious in the hospital. Tell me what I'm supposed to think."

"Maybe that I saved his life for the second time this week!" I suggested angrily.

"You expect me to believe that you surged with dark power and acted heroically? I believe it happened yesterday, but having that happen a second time so soon is astronomically unlikely. Dark magic is not a tool for heroics."

"Yet I seem to be using it an awful lot when people near me are in danger." I shot back.

"What other possible danger could threaten Spike in your house?" Celestia clearly implicating me.

The door to the room swung open, slamming against the wall. We turned our gazes to the one brazenly strutting in with her eyes shut. It was Rainbow Dash. "I hope I didn't miss much. The, uh, water fountain-" She bumped into Celestia's flank. She finally opened her eyes to see her big, white obstacle. Her eyes widened fearfully, realizing she just bumped into the princess's backside. She practically face-planted into a bow. "I'm so sorry!"

Our eyes flicked over to Fluttershy making a quick bow as well. Celestia's gaze softened at the two. "Good morning Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy." She turned back to me. "Now then, you were saying something?"

"Spike had a magic surge." I explained. "Seeing as how dragon magic is fueled by their breath, the danger should be obvious. As long as that surge continued, he couldn't control his breathing. I was panicking and trying my hardest to shut down his magic, so I slipped into using dark magic to get the edge I needed to save his life." I crossed my arms with finality. "That's the story. Are you happy with my answer?"

Celestia's expression remained unmoved, but cracks showed in her demeanor. "You realize I need some kind of proof for this? I only have your word for it, and Spike is still unconscious."

"If you don't like waiting, we can always go talk to that spy of yours." I suggested.

Celestia was silent for a moment, but her face betrayed nothing. "I'm sorry, did you say 'spy'?"

"Yeah, you sent a spy to make sure I was being a good little filly. We can just get her side of events, since I'm sure she'll corroborate my side of events."

"Twilight," Celestia began, taking on a dismissive tone I didn't believe for a second. "Equestria doesn't have a spy network. Just because you've done things I don't like doesn't mean we have a secret task force watching you."

"And yet there's a ninja in my house who's currently poring over my every personal document and probably sampling my stashes. Even if she's not an Equestrian agent, she's still somepony who likely witnessed events firsthand."

Celestia nodded. "Very well, we shall go to the library to confront this agent."

"We're doing no such thing." I said. "I'm staying here until Spike wakes up. If you want to track down a stealth assassin, you're free to do so; I'm not leaving Spike's side."

"And I need to keep an eye on you, so we are at an impasse." Celestia looked around the room. "Would any pony like to volunteer?"

"Dibs!" Pinkie yelled with a hop. "I'm good at finding ponies, especially when I know where they are!"

"Then I ask that you bring this pony here so we may hear what she has to say."

"You got it, Princess!" Pinkie shot a quick salute and climbed out the window.

Celestia stared after her. "Does your friend always leave through the window?"

"If it wasn't that, she'd probably vanish behind the curtain." I crossed my arms patiently. "Now we wait for her."

Celestia nodded, and the room fell into a tense silence. Nopony else was willing to voice their concerns. Maybe it had something to do with me arguing with the princess. Whatever, I did it before, and they're big girls; they can take it. At least with Pinkie on the case, we didn't have to wait long.

Bon Bon shook her head with incredulity. What pony needs this much alcohol? Was this a library or a sports bar?

After checking behind every book in the library, finding no less than ten stashes of booze, assorted gems, gold coins and catalogue cards, Agent Sweetie Drops concluded that Twilight Sparkle was insane regardless of dark magic. Eccentric hoarding habits aside, the upper floors of the library were fruitless. Not a thing up there was incriminating in the slightest.

Though it was nice to see that Twilight was into comic books. Power Ponies fangirls were rarely troublemakers.

The top floor was conspicuously empty aside from those personal items. The only room left to hide anything was the basement. She opened the door to see the darkened staircase leading into an abyss. A quick scan of the adjacent walls confirmed her worst fears: there was no light switch. That meant whatever sadist of an architect that built this place wanted ponies to stumble in the dark.

What a time for her to be out of night-vision truffles. If she had the time to finish her batch that morning, then she wouldn't need to bring out her candles. Sadly, she had no choice but to light it up. The candle dimly illuminated her path, which would have to do. She'd prefer walking in complete darkness, but using a barely functional beacon was her only option here.

She descended the stairs. The first oddity she found was an uneven wall of cardboard boxes. She examined each box with curiosity. If she had to guess, these boxes were probably used for their initial move into the library. Why didn't they open them? They still had their packing tape! Bon Bon didn't even want to touch them with the amount of dust gathered; Twilight would notice even the most minuscule tap with the layers of dust that would fly off.

Not to mention the cloying fog it would create.

So Twilight was a hoarder who couldn't even be bothered to open her inventory. There was nothing wrong with that, per se, so it was hardly what she was looking for. Twilight could go for some counseling on the subject, what with the mountain of boxes and all, but she pushed that thought to the side. She walked around the pile of boxes and found something more her speed: a desk.

The desk was mostly bare, with only a quill and an inkwell sitting out. Three drawer lined the sides, hiding who knows what. Considering the lack of a study in the library and this being the only desk in the house, this must be where Twilight did her work. If there was any place where incriminating documents would be found, it would be this conspicuously mundane piece of furniture.

Only one drawer had a lock, so Sweetie Drops figured it made the best place to begin. After a quick test to see it was actually locked, she drew a lockpick from her waist and clicked it open with ease. For the princess's personal student (or possibly somepony smart enough to impersonate her), this was a simple lock. If there was anything important to find at all, she hoped that she'd find more than some lousy tax records. She didn't feel too confident with that lock, though...

There were many papers within the drawer. She picked them all out one by one and scanned them under candle light. Most of it didn't even catch her interest. There was a list of spells that spanned twenty pages, a blueprint for a suit of space armor (fit for a human, strangely), a list of page numbers for what she guessed to be magic books, and so on.

She held up the last paper, expecting to find another dorky list or reference piece, but found herself gaping under her mask. This wasn't a "random encounter table" or a guide to painting figurines; it was a plan of action. This list itemized multiple ideas for its singular objective. Things like "devise long-range divination attuned to spiritual energy" and "learn advanced transmutation in regards to transformation" were crossed out. Each step and spell was written for the purpose of finding, and certainly replacing, a particular pony.

Underlined at the very top of the page, in big bold letters, read "Finding Twilight Sparkle".

This was it: Proof positive that the pony in Ponyville was not the real Twilight. This impostor really did do something to the real Twilight. Sweetie Drops could only guess what. More to the point, this impostor was somepony very close to the princesses! The power and influence within this pony's reach was both astonishing and frightening. She needed to warn Princess Celestia right away! She needed to see this document and do something about-

"Hey, Bon Bon!"

Bon Bon jumped at the sudden and ecstatic greeting from behind her. The paper flew out of her hooves as she spun to face the pony that snuck up on her. She should've paid more attention to the paper's flight path, though.

She recognized the pink mare. Who wouldn't remember her? "Pinkie Pie? What are you doing here?" She shook her head. "No, how did you recognize me!?" She demanded.

"Because you look just like her!" Pinkie explained readily. "It must be the tail. Those things are so unique."

Bon Bon's eye twitched. It figures that Pinkie Pie, of all ponies, would draw any conclusions. Now that the mare knew, the agent needed to keep her identity a secret. "Okay, you caught me. I'm a secret agent."

"Yay! I love learning secrets!" Pinkie beamed.

Bon Bon rushed forward and held Pinkie's mouth shut with a hoof. "Look, I don't want anypony to know about my job, okay? This isn't just a matter of my livelihood; it's national security. Please promise me that you won't tell anypony, okay?"

Pinkie, still silenced with a hoof to her mouth, nodded. "Crth muh hert, hp to fy, stk a cpcake in muh eye."

Bon Bon sighed with relief, and took a step back. "Thanks, I appreciate it."

"Oh, I get it. We all have our secrets. I know I can't have everypony know about my secret obsession with balloon animals." Pinkie admitted solemnly.

Bon Bon wasn't sure if she wanted to touch that or not, so she just let it be. "Okay, well, I'm glad we can understand each other."

"Mhm! So what's it like being a ninja?"

"I'm not a ninja, I'm an agent. We have some similar skill-sets, but the tasks are entirely different." Bon Bon explained.

"Have you ever taken down evil crime lords or corrupt merchants with your katana?"

"Uh, no. As I said, I'm not a ninja."

"Oh, so you follow the Bushido Code."

Bon Bon frowned. "That's samurai. Also, I'm pretty sure it's just 'Bushido'."

"Oh. Then when do you get to the part where you throw fireballs and energy blasts?"

Bon Bon fought back the strong urge to sigh. "That's either a wizard or a monk, I'm not sure which."

"Are you sure you can't channel energy, though? Because you look like you're glowing."

Bon Bon looked down at herself to realize that she was, in fact, not glowing. There was a strong source of light from behind her, though. "I don't think it's me."

"Oh, then that fiery aura of yours must be actual fire."

Bon Bon took a moment to let that sink in, until it dawned on her to look back to the desk. It wasn't a desk anymore; it was a tower of crackling flame! Maybe it was a bad idea to have a piece of paper flying around a lit candle.

She gaped at the conflagration. "How? How did this fire get so big in such a short amount of time?"

Pinkie idly tapped her chin. "I think Twilight kept a few bottles of absinthe and fruit juice in there."

"Oh, alcohol, of course." Bon Bon deadpanned.

With the fire as big as it was, the whole basement was well lit. Bon Bon scanned the room. She would be damned if Celestia found out that she burned down a public library, so she needed to find a fire extinguisher. There was none in her immediate field of view. She growled at the inconvenience of it all. There had to be a fire extinguisher around her somewhere! Perhaps it was in one of these boxes?

Bon Bon raced over to a random box and tore off the tape when the tell-tale sound of a fire extinguisher howled. She looked back to see Pinkie Pie had beat her to it.

"Oh, good work, Pinkie! Where did you find the fire extinguisher?"

"I brought one with me." Pinkie said, happily spraying the fire with white fog.

"No you didn't." Bon Bon accused.

"You're probably right." Pinkie conceded casually. "When ponies say I did something impossible, they're usually right."

"Huh, so you do it on purpose." Bon Bon noted.

Pinkie didn't answer, but she finished dousing the flame quickly. "Welp, now that we're done here, we need to go to the hospital."

"Why? Neither of us are hurt."

Pinkie shoved the fire extinguisher into her hair. "Yeah, we're okay, but I'm pretty sure Princess Celestia wants to talk to you."

Bon Bon felt a little panic at that. "Why does the Princess want me, now?"

"It's because you know too much." Pinkie trotted merrily to the stairs.

Bon Bon knew that was wrong, but she couldn't help but feel a little worried. No pony is specifically requested by the princess unless it's for something important.

She looked over the burnt desk with a sigh. The evidence she found was burned to a crisp in that fire. What could she really do about it at this point? Without that paper, she had nothing to substantiate her claims. She could just imagine trying to tell Princess Celestia about her student being an impostor but having nothing backing her up. Come to think of it, Bon Bon couldn't think of a time where an operation of hers went this poorly. Did she really want to tell her about this?

Your majesty, you were right about your student! She's a monster in disguise! Evidence? Er, about that, I kind of sort of accidentally set it on fire shortly after my cover was compromised. Yes, I understand why you're letting me go.

Ugh. If for no other reason than her job security, she'd keep it to herself. This "Twilight" would slip up again, and she'd be sure to catch her then.

I wondered how long the tense silence would last. I would've bet until Pinkie came back.

Everypony sat in their chairs with varying levels of anxiety. Celestia and I were patiently waiting for Pinkie and the ninja, but the others shifted uneasily on occasion. I swear, if something didn't happen soon, the silence would just make everypony too antsy to get all the facts.

I looked over to Spike, who still snored slightly. I couldn't tell how receptive he was without doing something to him, but I didn't think Celestia would appreciate that.

That left conversation, which would at least pass the time. "So, Fluttershy, how's Elizabeak doing? Choking on some food, I hope?"

To my credit, my comment brought Fluttershy out of anxiety. "That's very mean of you. I know you don't like Elizabeak after the cockatrice, but you shouldn't wish harm on her like that."

I shrugged unapologetically. "Hey, I was turned to stone; me being cold should be a given."

"What is this about a cockatrice?" Celestia asked, interest piqued.

"I hung out with Fluttershy when the Cutie Mark Crusaders were having a slumber-party, they followed a dumb-ass chicken into the Everfree, I followed them, and I got a first-hoof taste of petrification. Believe me, it's worse than you think."

"Really? How did you escape your stony prison?"

"Fluttershy busted me out." I explained without thinking. I only then remembered that it was because of Fluttershy's secret "gifts", so I quickly rolled out a quick (alternate) explanation. "That is, she interrupted the stone-ing process by telling it how shamefully it was behaving. Turns out it was so ashamed of itself that it turned me back." I leaned back happily. "Man, good times."

Celestia stared quizzically. "... Good for you?"

"For Fluttershy." I corrected, turning to the pegasus. "You don't give yourself enough credit."

Fluttershy pawed bashfully at her mane. "Oh, I just did what anypony else would have done."

I held out a hand to her as I looked at the princess. "See? She's too good."

Celestia smiled at that. "It's good to see how highly you consider your friends."

"Why wouldn't I?" I asked casually. "They're a great bunch."

"So what about you?"

I sagged into my chair. "Why do ponies always ask me that?"

"It's a good question." Celestia pointed out.

I shrugged in concession. "Well, I imagine I'm just that guy."

"Mare." Rarity corrected.

I flipped her the bird without looking in her direction. I was glad she didn't know what it meant. "Yeah, what she said."

"And just who is "that mare?" Celestia ignored that little aside.

"I dunno, the mare who's just kind of there? The one that's not really important?" I shrugged. "Why are we talking about this?"

"Twilight, you know we care for you."

I smirked. "God knows why."

Celestia frowned slightly. "Twilight, it hurts to see you put yourself down like this."

I rolled my eyes. "Who's putting who down? I like being unimportant; it means less work."

The princess sighed. "I never took you for a lazy pony."

"It's a recent development." I said. "That, and I have a few personal projects I'd rather focus on."

"Such as...?"

Well, aside from the obvious, "Working out, practicing magic, re-reading the Drakes and Daggers rulebooks, catching up on the weekly comics, hanging out; you know, normal stuff."

"I see," She said with a smile. "So you've moved on from your professional life to your personal life. That's admirable."

"Well, being a librarian is great for the free time it offers." I admitted.

"You sound satisfied with your place in life. Tell me, are you into Battleaxe?"

"The tabletop war game? I've heard of it. Why?"

"Many of the guards in the castle hold tournaments in the barracks. Is it any good?"

I might have nerded out for a bit. While I launched into a discussion on the gameplay and the game's mechanics, I looked over to my friends every once or twice to see their bemused expressions. They just couldn't believe that Celestia was sitting there listening to me prattle on about assault phases and stuff. Or maybe they were more surprised at Celestia's rapt attention.

"... In short, it's a complex resource-oriented strategy game. In fact, I think you'd do quite well. A thousand years of doing it for real would probably make you an instant expert."

Celestia responded with a soft chuckle. "I'll think about it. I still have the real thing, after all."

I didn't have much time to shrug at the conclusion to our nice distracting conversation when the door opened. Pinkie Pie entered with a beaming smile. "I found her!"

I smirked at the pink pony. "Good timing."

The ninja entered herself, and she was definitely nervous about something. She shot me a suspicious glance I couldn't decipher before bowing to Celestia. "Princess, it is an honor to stand before you."

"Please rise, my little pony." Celestia bade serenely. "I do not wish to take up too much of your time. You were at the library earlier, correct?"

The ninja rose and nodded. "Yes, your highness."

"Then I presume you saw what happened between my student, Twilight, and the dragon, Spike. If you could, I would like to hear what you witnessed."

The ninja nodded again. "Yes, I saw what happened. I was in the kitchen when I heard the dragon breathing fire. I cracked the door open to get a better look, and the dragon let loose a large blast towards your student! That dragon tried to roast Twilight alive!"

I shot forward with a hateful glare. "What?"

Her eyes shot to me briefly, but she carried on with her account. "Twilight was defending herself against the dragon's rage. She used dark magic, definitely, but only in self-defense. The dragon opened hostilities."

I shot up from my chair, my legs kicking it back and poofing back into the ether. "You useless bitch!"

Everypony reeled back in shock at my outburst. "Twilight, what's wrong?" Celestia asked.

"This paint-huffing subnormal is full of shit! That's not what happened at all!" I yelled.

"Oh really?" The ninja remarked dryly. "Then what really happened?"

"He lost control of his powers! He couldn't help that he was breathing fire like that!"

"Then why was his face contorted in anger?"

"That wasn't anger; that was pain, you clueless dolt!"

"He was thrashing!"

"In pain! Jesus, how many times do we have to go over this?"

"Enough for you to figure that the little dragon hates you!"

"Spike's too kind to hurt anyone, but I'm not!" I rose a fist to her level. "Wanna see for yourself?"

Just about everypony converged around me to pull me away from the ninja. We scowled at each other from opposite sides of the room, just with me being cornered by a bunch a ponies who knew I wasn't just talking.

"Twilight," Celestia intoned forcefully. "You will not be violent. Are we clear?"

"She accused Spike of attempted murder!" I pointed accusingly at the ninja.

"Are we clear?" Celestia repeated.

I pressed my lips together, unwilling to accept, but having little choice. "Fine. But can I at least punch her once?"

"Absolutely not."

"She spoke ill of my younger sibling. Don't you know what that's like?"

Celestia's expression turned contemplative at that. She tilted her head in though on the matter, as if she was thinking hard of a time when somepony said something nasty about Luna. "Well..."

"Uh, princess?" The ninja prodded curiously.

Celestia snapped back to reality. "Oh, um..." She looked over to the ninja, then to me, and shook her head. "No. No, you may not. Sorry."

I sighed with frustration. "Argh, alright, I'm sorry I threatened you."

"What about the insults?" The ninja asked.

"You had those coming." I said with narrowed eyes.

Rarity stepped between us. "Let's not start that again, please. Twilight," She faced me. "Focus on what's important: this mare's side of the story proves that you didn't do anything wrong."

I nodded sorely. "Alright, that much is true, even if she thinks Spike is evil, the dumb-"

"Stop." She commanded. "No more swearing. You're only upsetting everypony more."

I raised my hands defensively. "Alright alright, I'll stop. You're right that her story supports mine."

Everypony relaxed a bit. Now that the situation was defused, it wasn't nearly as tense. The girls separated from me since I wasn't ready to fight right now.

After Rarity setting me straight, the others were more willing to join the conversation. Rainbow was the first and most natural addition. "So, are we cool?"

"Yeah, of course." I said, conjuring another chair for myself and taking the seat. Coincidentally, only the ninja lacked a seat.

"So what was all this about dark magic?" Applejack asked. "Should we be worried about that?"

I answered quickly before Celestia could speak. "I wouldn't worry about that too much. As long as I can avoid certain stresses, it won't really come up. It took no less than Spike in mortal danger to force it out."

Celestia didn't argue against me, but she did have a request. "Be that as it may, I still believe Twilight requires supervision. Will you watch out for her?"

All my friends voiced some sort of agreement to the request, and I just sighed. Great, now my friends were going to treat me all special. Just what I've always wanted.

Fortunately, Spike stirred from his sleep. It was a nice distraction from everypony discussing how awful I was, so I scooted over to his side and eagerly waited.

With a groan, Spike grabbed his chest. He kept one eye clenched shut, but his other edged open to scan the ceiling.

"Hey Spike, how are you feeling?" I asked hopefully.

He turned his head to face me. His voice was low and hoarse. "D-Dusk?"

"Twilight." I corrected softly. "I'm here, buddy."

"My chest hurts."

I gently rubbed his shoulder. "Hey, you'll be alright. You know what they say: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

His eye bore into mine appraisingly. "I've never heard that."

"It's an old saying." I said calmly. "Besides, it's quite true in this case. You had a magic surge."

"Like you did?"

I nodded. "That's right. You're kinda lucky, actually; your true power has awakened. I wouldn't be surprised to see you more powerful than most elder mages in Equestria."

He smiled uneasily. "That's, er, great. Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I don't think I wanna do this magic thing for a while."

I smiled understandingly with my eyes shifted away. "Yeah, I get that."

Impatiently, Pinkie kind of emerged into the space right next to me. She practically shoved her face into Spike's with clear worry on her face. "Oh Spike, we were so worried! I for one am glad that you're the best dragon ever now, but I wish it didn't mean you had to burn the library for the first of two times today."

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at Pinkie. "First of two...?"

My question was ignored in favor of everypony getting a turn in comforting Spike. Rarity leaned on the bed next to him and smiled sweetly. "Yes, it's great to see you awake, Spikey. I was very scared for you."

Spike smiled over to her a little dreamily. "I- uh, wow, thank you, Rarity."

"Yeah, leave it to a dragon to set something on fire on their way out." Rainbow hovered nearby. "Good to see you doing okay, man."

"Git well soon." Applejack wished simply.

Fluttershy just smiled kindly at her place by the bed.

Spike sat up and looked everypony over. His eyes locked on Celestia easily towering over everypony. "Whoa, even Princess Celestia?"

Celestia nodded and smiled diplomatically. "I came as soon as I heard something happened to you. You're like family to me, so I'm very glad that you are well."

While I smiled at Celestia being kind enough to pretend that was the reason she was here, Spike smiled thankfully at everypony present. "Wow, I can't believe you all came like you did. Thanks."

I looked around the room at everypony myself. The ninja ghosted out of the room at some point, but who cares about her? Seeing all these caring ponies warmed my heart for sure.

Everypony shared some kind-hearted words for the drake. The doctor came by shortly to check on Spike. He couldn't find anything wrong with him, citing my spellwork earlier as a major reason for the quick recovery. It didn't take much longer after that for Spike to be given the all-clear to go home.

We all left the hospital, with Spike sitting on my shoulders, everypony feeling better about the day's events now that they were over. Celestia still had work to do, so she left us on our own. The rest of us went to the library to relax after the day's scare. Rarity freaked out a little over the wrecked state many of the books and walls were in, we all shared a mirthful eye-roll, and relaxed with some punch.

Though I noticed the discarded padlock we used earlier in the day. It was the same one that used to be attached to a little wooden box. I picked it up and looked it over, satisfied with what I saw.

It was locked.

The Dating Scene

The magic in my horn glowed softly in its task to twirl the rope in a fast, predicable loop. I concentrated one hundred percent on the task at hoof, music howling from earphones to my brain, filling me with feelings of grim determination and dark satisfaction. Each little hop burned my legs a little more with exertion. The growing pain in my legs, the savage beat of metal, the strain of mental concentration; every little detail had me locked in a state that only true warriors could enjoy.

That is to say that I was jumping rope.

Like a badass.

I was going for my personal best time without tripping: one hour and twelve minutes, and going. I would have been proud of myself had I let my mind wander from my task. It was still pretty early in the morning, and I was set on improving my speed and endurance to their absolute limits.

I decided this was a good thing to do outdoors. The small gym I set up in the library was nice, but it was a pain in the ass to set up every time I needed space to work out. Screw that, jump rope is cheap, fun, and great for outdoor use.

One hour and fifteen minutes. Great progress.

The music stopped. I guess the battery died.

I'll admit I was never good at this back home. I had a hard time coordinating. Kids made fun of me for that. They even gave me a nickname. Something about two left shoes and my name, whatever that was. I hated that.

I stopped and took a deep breath. No, I wasn't going to think about that. I had greater concerns, like with further training and what I'd have for lunch. It was still well before noon. I did my stretches and jump rope, so I guess I could move on to push-ups? It was as good an idea as any.

I knelt down and stretched out my hindlegs, pushing myself up from the ground and letting myself sink back down. I didn't have a goal number of repetitions, only the singular task of pushing myself even more. My legs were already weakened from jumping rope so intensely, and the pain building in them was forcing me to shake.

I wasn't going to stop. I pushed harder and endured more. Progress was getting slow. I could barely stand the pain, but I didn't want to give in...

"Uh, not to interrupt, but you've been on that one push-up for a few minutes." Somepony said.

I edged my eye to see the rainbow pony that spoke. I could hardly focus on her appearance, but it was definitely Rainbow Dash hovering slightly in the air. Finally, my legs could take no more. I slid my hooves apart and sunk my head into the grass. I'd have loved to speak with her, but I needed all the breath I could take.

"Well, somepony's been working hard." She remarked.

I could only pant, mostly motionless in the grass.

"Feeling anxious about your inevitable defeat at the Running of the Leaves by yours truly?" She gloated.

I still didn't respond.

Rainbow was getting a little worried by this point. "Uh, you need some help?"

I rolled onto my back and shook my head.

"Okay." A brief silence passed. "You know, after a tough workout, I like napping on clouds. Wanna try it?"

I gathered enough breath to voice a tired reply. "Sure," And I lit my horn with some cloud-walking spell.

Rainbow was nice enough to carry me up to an unoccupied cumulus. I sank into the cloud like it was made of the softest cotton. Rainbow dragged over another cloud to lounge next to me. So we sat there, with me splayed on the cloud and Rainbow on her back facing away from me. We rested and got nice and comfortable for a while.

After a time, I was feeling well enough to make conversation. Rainbow definitely wanted to hang out, and I was willing to oblige. After all, she made the mistake of giving me the perfect view of something interesting. "So Rainbow, I noticed you have puncture marks on your neck."

Rainbow scrambled and pushed her hooves over her neck. "Wha- I do not... It's a birthmark!"

"Mhm." I slyly mumbled. "So when'd you see Fluttershy?"

She rolled onto her belly and glared at me. "What are you talking about?"

"What? Haven't you ever heard a sudden change in topic before? It's not like I mean to insinuate something about our mutual friend." I replied innocently. "Certainly it has nothing to do with your 'birthmark', and possibly your love of midday napping."

"Yeah, I hope so." Rainbow half-warned.

"Or undocumented blood donations on your part."

Rainbow was looking a little ticked. "Hey."

I reeled it back a bit. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry."

"It's okay." Rainbow went back to her back.

...

Oh hell, I might regret this, but I had to prod one more time. "Was she gentle?"

Rainbow shot to the air with hate in her eyes. "Stop saying things!" She demanded with her hoof pointed threateningly.

I raised my hooves in a placating gesture, a smirk on my face, and we both simmered down. She sat grumpily on her cloud.

She looked around us for anypony listening. She checked all over the skies, under her cloud, and all over the ground. She leaned closer to me and whispered conspiratorially. "Yeah, totally."

I giggled at that and we shared a bro-hoof.

Another companionable silence passed. Rainbow broke it with an invitation. "So, you like drinking?"

"Yeah," I said with interest.

"Well I was thinking we could go to the bar tonight. Get a few drinks, share some laughs, hope for a fight; it'll be fun!"

I stretched the aching from my limbs and smiled in confirmation. "Sounds good."

"You know it!" She hovered off her cloud. "I'll meet ya there around six. If we're lucky, you might even bag somepony." She dashed away before I could react.

"Uh, right." I said to empty space. "Because I sure want to 'bag somepony'. My speech got a little sarcastic. "Why, it's even a step above 'boning somepony'." I sighed. "She'd better not try anything funny."

My limbs felt a little weak, but I was well enough to travel. To that length, I walked down the finest and most common stretch of Ponyville where I was sure to find the bar. I was sure it was the bar, not the night club. What's the difference? Night clubs have worse music.

There wasn't any need for me to carry anything with me. As part of my conjuration training, I marked just about everything in the library for summoning, including my money. It was just me trotting along in my tights, and nothing else. The lack of belongings was sure to get Rainbow's attention.

The sun was just setting on a productive day, and many ponies were gathered just outside the Grog Meister bar to put that behind them. I was no exception, but I didn't immediately see Rainbow anywhere. I doubted she was the kind of mare to cut and run, so I sat and waited by a bench. She showed eventually, but she caught my interest by bringing another pony with her. A bouncing pink mare was by her side.

I've never seen Pinkie drunk before. I might get my chance.

I waved them over. "Hey, girls! I see you tagged along, Pinkie."

"Yeah, this sounds like a lot of fun!" Pinkie explained exuberantly. "Stiff drinks going down the hatch, inhibitions loosening; I can't wait to see where it goes, Twilight."

"What's with the emphasis? Are you expecting me to do something dumb?"

Pinkie tittered. "One could hope!"

Rainbow jumped in to tell me what was up. "Pinkie cornered me a few minutes ago and begged to tag along. I wasn't gonna say no."

"The more the merrier, right?" I asked with an accepting shrug. "Come on, let's go inside."

"Wait, did anypony remember to bring any bits?" Rainbow chuckled nervously. "Cause, uh, I didn't."

"Don't worry about it; with my magic, I'm practically a walking ATM."

"Uh, what's an ATM?"

"As I said, don't worry about it."

I pulled the front door open, and we stepped inside to the sound of soft rock music. Polished wooden furniture scattered the room with booths lining the walls, maroon cushions slightly torn. The counter was bare and given a glossy sheen matched only by mirrors, and the walls beyond sported neon signs advertising brand names for drinks. Despite the number of ponies, there were plenty of booths to choose from.

"You girls go take a seat, I'll get us some drinks. Whatcha want?" I offered.

"I'll get an apple cider." Rainbow ordered.

"Lemon juice!" Pinkie chirped.

I gave Pinkie a slight nod. "Uh, alright. I'll be right back."

I got the drinks from the bartender, plus a raspberry drink of some kind (as if I was paying attention to the names), two plates of hot pepper bites, and a root beer float. I took a set across from Rainbow and Pinkie in the middle booth. Rainbow got her drink, Pinkie got her juice that I'm certain is a cooking ingredient, and everything else went to me. Dinner might have been thirty minutes ago, but I was still hungry.

Rainbow eyed my food with an amused chuckle. "Had a light dinner?"

Rainbow's barb might make a little more sense if I told you that the appetizers I had were meant for a party of six. Each. "You have no idea."

"You know you just ordered all the food in here, right?" She joked.

"Whatever." I playfully jabbed. "It's not like ponies actually eat the food in bars. They have better taste than that, and I have no standards."

We shared a laugh at my self-deprecating joke. Conversation turned to Rainbow and Pinkie's day. Rainbow bragged about some improvement on her aerial performance she made. I wasn't so sure a half-second improvement on her lap times was any big feat, but maybe she didn't have much room to improve, as good as she was. Pinkie, in the meantime, related an anecdote about the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Still tromping along in search of their cutie marks, apparently, and Pinkie was nice enough to suggest balloon animals. Long story short, the kitchen caught on fire, and the important part was that nopony was arrested.

One would think it was time for me to talk about my day. That's what the other two did, so I popped a bite into my mouth and thought of something interesting I did that I could relate. However, Pinkie Pie had a way of saying things that you didn't expect. This was one such time.

"So Twilight, what's it like being transsexual?"

The food seized in my throat, eliciting a surprised bout of coughing. Once the crumbs and mash fell out of my mouth and let me breathe in peace, I looked Pinkie over. She was serious. She had that earnestly curious look that held no malice or misunderstanding; she actually thought I was transsexual.

Rainbow Dash was handling the question about as well, gaping at the news. "Twilight, you're a tranny?" She asked softly.

I raised my hooves and argued defensively. "Hey hey, it's not like that!" I glared worriedly at the pink girl. "Pinkie, where did you get that idea?"

Pinkie tapped her glass. "Well, I've watched the way you walk for hours." I wondered if that meant she was staring at my ass a lot. I didn't want to think of it. "I noticed you walk with your hooves spread slightly, which usually only stallions do because of their floppy bits." I winced at that. This was going to be a rough conversation. "You also do a lot of body-building, and you get really aggressive, and you dislike girly stuff, and you like spicy food, and hate asking for directions, and-"

I sat mortified by the many things she was listing. Don't get me wrong, I'm touched that one of my friends cared enough to notice these things, I just wished it didn't come back to bite me like this. Apparently I had a problem with hiding my masculinity.

After what felt like seven days and nights of hearing about my various social eccentricities, Pinkie took a deep breath. "And you often call yourself a colt."

I blinked heavily. "Holy crap, am I really that obvious?"

"Not really." Pinkie said. "I just watch you a lot."

More concerns, all of which I was going to ignore for now. "So that's why you think I'm actually a guy?"

"Yeah." A pause. "Either that, or a filly who really wants to be a colt."

One of two options for dealing with this situation. Great. So either I admit that I was a guy at one point, or I say I was always a girl but wasn't secure with that knowledge. Shit, what was I going to go with?

Or maybe there's more to it than that. My mind had a few tangents that were worth exploring. I guess I could put them to words. "Er, I guess I should say something, then. Well, sure, I was once a colt."

Rainbow gasped. "No way..."

I nodded. "Yeah, but then some things happened. The short of it is that my gender-bender was a result of some kind of curse that I didn't get around to fixing."

"So that's why you act like such a gruff manly pony?" Pinkie asked.

I tilted my head as I went deeper into thought. "Well, partly. I kinda remember doing girly stuff before all that, though. I played with dolls this one time, but that didn't go over well."

"Eesh, a colt playing with dolls? I can see how that would be embarrassing." Rainbow noted.

"Yeah, the other colts were real assholes about it. I seem to recall the word 'fag' thrown around a couple of times."

"Was it really that bad?" Pinkie asked sympathetically.

"Well, it got worse." I recalled calmly. "The fillies acted supporting at first, even jumping to my aid once or twice, but then they turned around and shunned 'the gay kid' so they could pretend to have tea parties with their stuffed animals. Geez, it's not like I was even gay." I had a revelation. "Oh, that's when I started exercising and eschewing my femininity. And that's also where my obsession with violence came from!"

"Er, wow. Sounds rough." Rainbow said consolingly.

"Hey, don't worry about it, I just figured this out myself." I thought about the implications of what I just realized. "I guess I associated femininity with weakness, since it's what started a large amount of my bullying. I let all of that go in favor of my own power." I looked off to the side. "Though I'm not sure if I can really call myself transsexual. I have a different gender now, but I still feel every bit as aggressive as I did back then. It's not like my female body is urging me to try on dresses or something, so I don't feel any of that femininity coming back to me." Memories of Rarity and the spa came to mind. "Well, maybe."

"So where does that leave you?" Rainbow asked.

I shrugged. "I dunno. I just realized a few things about myself, and I'm not sure what to think. On one hoof, I still think of myself as a guy and want to hold onto that for all it's worth. On the other, I want to leave the past behind and see if I can relax in the present, even if that means finally recognizing that I'm not really a guy anymore. As I said, I don't really know." It's not like I ever really went through with the gender swapping spells...

Rainbow nodded for a moment of contemplative silence. Then she smirked. "Actually, I know how I can help with your gender confusion."

"Oh really?" I asked incredulously. As if she had an idea on how to help when she only knew for a couple of minutes. "What is it?"

"It's easy!" She claimed. "We're just gonna get you laid!"

I narrowed my eyes. "You'll have to explain that one to me, because that doesn't make any sense."

"Sure it does! If you can get some tonight, then you won't be thinking about it any more!" She turned my head with her hoof to face the other patrons of the bar. "So which pony is in for the ride of a lifetime?"

I pulled myself away from Rainbow's reach. "That's not happening."

"Why not? We came here to have a good time, and I want to see have a real good time."

"Why are you so insistent on me having sex?" I asked, feeling even more uncomfortable.

"Because you seem really wound up and need the recreation." She said.

"I have recreation; it's called exercise."

"Exercise doesn't keep you warm at night, but another pony could."

My eye twitched. "You know what? I'm out of here." I got up and walked away.

"See you tomorrow!" Pinkie yelled.

"Yeah, we'll pick this up again when you're not feeling so cranky!" Rainbow added.

I didn't look back. I wasn't mad about or anything, I just had to get away from that prismatic hyper-sexual.

The quill in my magic scribbled on the paper with various notes regarding conjuration. The advanced studies of conjuration were slowly revealing their secrets to me, and it was only a matter of time before I could try out just one major spell. After that, I might have to go back to the drawing board.

It was the day after out time at the bar, and I was really hoping we could get past it. Rainbow, and I suspect many other ponies, couldn't let things go. The door slammed open and shook me out of my thoughts. Rainbow came into the library with a blankly smiling Pinkie in tow.

"Hey, egghead! How's it hangin'?" Rainbow asked casually.

"Pretty good." I replied, setting down my supplies. "How about you?"

"Awesome, as always." Rainbow bragged.

"My day is swell." Pinkie said in a stilted manner.

"Uh, are you okay, Pinkie?" I asked.

"Yes, my day is good. No need for inquiry." She said equally stilted.

I took that with an unsure nod. "Right... so what's up?"

"Not much with us," Rainbow stepped in. "But you have a date tonight."

I narrowed my eyes at the pegasus. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah, I set up a blind date for you. I know, no need to thank me." She rubbed a hoof on her chest, so full of her sudden and inexplicable generosity.

"Your date is with Thunderlane." Pinkie revealed with mock enthusiasm.

"Who the hell is Thunderlane?" I asked irately. Not the question I should have been asking, which was why this happened.

"He helps with weather patrol." Rainbow answered quickly, eager to get on with it. "Now come on! He's gonna meet you at the cafe!"

Rainbow pulled me out of my own house until I threw her hooves off of me. "Alright, fine! I'll go to this stupid date, okay?"

Rainbow beamed and pumped a hoof skyward. "That's the spirit! Make that stallion love you!"

"Good luck." Pinkie said.

I looked between the two of them and sighed. Great, another pony to let down. I turned and walked to the cafe where Thunderlane was going to meet me. Pinkie and Rainbow didn't follow me, but they shouted some more encouragement that I wasn't going to listen to.

It just started, but I knew my day was going to suck.

I found myself at the cafe shortly, and I guess I got lucky. The place was completely deserted with the lone exception of the table closest to a bush. A dark grey pegasus sat at the table with eager patience, amber eyes catching a glimpse of me immediately. I'm not sure what his silver mane could be called other than a mohawk. Whatever the case was, he waved at me, showing his toned muscles built from whatever physical tasks he did as his coat shined to highlight his form. "Oh, Twilight!"

I smiled nervously. Great, he looks like a nice guy. This will be so much fun. I took a seat across from him. "Hey... Thunderlane."

"Yeah, that's me!" He chuckled. "I've heard a lot about you."

"Did you now?"

"Yeah! Rainbow told me all about how you fought that manitcore in the Everfree. I can't believe anypony would be able to survive a fight one on one with something so vicious, let alone win!" He was really excited to tell me that.

Even better, Rainbow's been embellishing tales of my fighting prowess. This guy would be in for a surprise. "I'm sure she told you nothing but the truth." I lied exceptionally. "So how did it come to this? I didn't exactly set up a date, or anything."

"Rainbow told me you were available." He said, which got a mouth-twitch out of me. "I've seen you around a few times, and I always thought you were really pretty." His face had a tinge of pink as he continued. "So I guess I just wanted to get to know you."

I nodded with a sympathetic sigh. "Yeah, I thought so. You seem like a nice guy, so I want to tell you one quick fact about myself before we move on, okay? And please don't get too upset; you didn't know."

"Um, okay?"

I turned my head to one side awkwardly. "I'm gay."

An awkward silence passed between us, Thunderlane's mouth gradually falling open blankly. Before he could say anything, however, Pinkie hopped out of the bush with a squeal of delight. "Hooray!" She then trotted away with a big smile.

Rainbow Dash stood out of the bush next with annoyance. "Hey, you told me that you weren't gay!"

I was a bit surprised that they somehow beat me here in time to spy on our date, but I recovered for my defense. "I said I wasn't gay! Things change."

Rainbow had a blank expression before something clicked in her head. "Oh, that's right. Well now I know." She sped away with a rainbow contrail marking her exit. Thunderlane and I had enough time to share perplexed gazes before Rainbow sped right back to say one quick thing to the stallion. "Sorry it didn't work out." She sped off again.

Thunderlane looked to me for some answers. I just sighed and shrugged. "I'll buy ya lunch?"

Abjuration was on the agenda the next day. I needed to research spells on blocking the signals released by magic. After that, I could block out any attempts on sensing any possible relapse of dark magic of mine. It was dirty, but I had to do it just in case. I wasn't going to have Celestia take my all-important magic away because a shopkeeper forgot my change.

I summoned an orb of arcane energy, glowing purple in the living room. My horn lit with a divination that scanned the energy released from my orb. I detected the flow of magic that sustained itself in the air, though its effects were slowly ebbing.

Next I formed a seal around the orb, magic energy pouring through my horn and manifesting as a glyph of power for a brief moment. Once the glyph disappeared, I cast the divination once more.

My experiment was successful. The divination was unable to detect the energy from the orb. This was good. The spell I used only blocked out certain energies, though, so I needed to take some time to develop a more powerful spell that could block out greater energies. The power of dark magic could not be underestimated, and I'd need extensive testing to make sure it worked to an acceptable degree. This meant learning to harness dark magic at will, however...

The door slammed open, shaking me out of my thoughts. Rainbow came in with a blankly smiling Pinkie in tow. Funny, I could have sworn this happened the other day.

"Hey Egghead, why are you just sitting there studying? There are more important things to be doing!"

"Like what?" I asked curiously.

"You have a date today!"

I groaned and rubbed my head. "Seriously? Why are you doing this to me? Don't you remember what happened yesterday?"

"Yeah, I remember, and I learned what I did wrong."

I ground my teeth a bit. "Am I to assume this unlucky pony is waiting for me at the cafe?"

"Yup! Mane, you really know how this works!"

I shut my book and stood up from my chair. "Or maybe I can recognize patterns." I walked right past them. "Hey Pinkie."

"Hello." She greeted happily, but unenthusiastically.

If the previous day was any indication, the others staying behind was no guarantee that I was going alone. Still, another day meant another pony to let down. I at least hoped this next guy was a jerk to make things easy.

I got to the cafe, and just like last time, there was only one pony sitting by the lone bush. To Rainbow's credit, it wasn't a stallion this time, so she was definitely listening to me at points. Not enough points, but that was for another time. The very first thing I noticed about the mare waiting for me was her mane. I have never before or since seen a mane with such a wild style. Half of her silver and light blue hair was spiked and curved back, while the rest trailed down her head to nearly hide her purple eyes from sight. Her pale purple coat practically shined in the sun. I swear Rainbow keeps setting these things up at just the right time for me to notice the tight musculature of my dates.

"Hey, you must be Twilight!" My date greeted. "I'm Cloud Chaser. It's nice to meet you."

I smiled nervously and took a seat across from her. "Hi, Cloud Chaser. So I guess we're supposed to be dating, huh?"

"Yeah, Rainbow told me you were available." Figures. "I've seen you around, and I have to say, you're really attractive. I mean just look at those flanks!" She leaned to the side for a better look.

I levitated a portion of the tablecloth to cover myself. "Hey, stop that!"

She sat back up and smiled sheepishly. "Heh, sorry. I just don't see why you wear those tights, though. What's the point of wearing them in public if you don't want ponies to look?"

I self-consciously examined my flanks. I only just now noticed the way my tights hugged my form was more than a little provocative.

And once I realized that I was sexy (according to some perspectives), I vowed to never wear these things again.

"Right, well I have some bad news. Rainbow probably didn't tell you since she didn't know," I took a breath as if I was going to reveal a secret rather than make a false excuse. "But I'm straight."

Pinkie Pie slid morosely out of the bush with a rustle. "Aw."

Pinkie was going to sadly drag her hooves away, but she stopped once Rainbow leaped out of the bush in a rage. "WHAT? Are you bucking kidding me?"

I leaned away from Rainbow's yelling and returned the glare. "And here you are spying on me again. Maybe I should test myself for ESP."

She slammed her hooves on the table. "Yesterday you said you were gay, now you're saying that you're straight; well get your story straight! Why are you lying to us about this?"

"Why do you keep sending me on blind dates that I don't wanna go to?" I shot back.

"It's for your own good!" Rainbow barely explained. "And you didn't answer my question! Are you straight or are you gay? You can't be both!"

"Maybe I am!"

"That's a load of bull, and you know it!"

"Maybe so, but I'm gonna keep on going!"

"How can somepony be so insecure about their orientation? You sound ridiculous!"

"Hiding one's sexuality is perfectly normal. After all, I've been doing it all my life!"

"Well what are you? You can't keep it from me forever!"

"Sure I can!"

"Oh come on! After all the effort we went through to set these dates up, you owe us an explanation!"

"You want to know my orientation?" I ground my teeth. "Fine!" I reared back with a seething breath. "I'M FUCKING BI!"

Rainbow stood resolute in the face of my yell. She stood perfectly still as if waiting for more. When more failed to come, she let out an irritated "And...? Is that it?"

I blinked hard and squinted in confusion. "Yeah, it is."

Rainbow scoffed. "Twilight, most of Equestria is bi."

"It... what, really?"

"Yeah,"

Pinkie informed us further. "Recent surveys show that ninety five percent of Equestrian citizens identify as bi-sexual."

My gaze drifted low. Thoughts swirled in my head for a bit. Then I flipped the table like I was throwing a tire downhill. Cloud Chaser ran off at some point, and who could blame her? She didn't want to get caught up in this drama, she just wanted to sleep with me. Bad thoughts aside, I crossed my hooves and seethed silently. God, it figures that I was in the one place that didn't care about that.

"Uh, is this something you want to talk about?" Rainbow asked.

I rubbed my temple. "Simply put, I joined a group a long time ago that didn't take too kindly to me being bi. I was kicked out and ostracized by yet another bunch of people, and now that I know the rest of the goddamn world doesn't care, I'm really fucking pissed."

"Wow, you have the worst luck with other ponies." Rainbow noted sympathetically.

"Tell me about it." I grumbled.

"That still doesn't explain why you're so against dating."

I groaned a bit. "Look, I just don't want to get into a relationship. I still want to work solo."

I noticed Pinkie sag a little, but Rainbow was the one to speak. "So what you're saying is that you just don't want to settle down with somepony."

Something was weird about her phrasing there, but I couldn't put my hoof on it. "Essentially."

Rainbow nodded. "I get it now. Okay," She wrapped a foreleg around Pinkie. "Let's get going, Pinks. We've been doing this all wrong."

Pinkie nodded mechanically, and hesitantly replied. "Okay."

The two practically disappeared with how fast they moved. I groaned and face-planted on the ground, since I forgot the table moved. Damn that pegasus, she was up to something. This was only going to get worse, and I can only imagine how.

I woke up the next morning feeling lazy. Maybe I could fool myself into thinking it was a matter of me just wanting to catch a few more sheep, but that wasn't really the case. Rainbow planned something for the past two days that I didn't want, and she didn't give up just yet. If I got up, I'd have to deal with whatever insane plan to get me laid Rainbow had that time. Perhaps I could spend the next couple of days without leaving the bed.

Spike woke up with a yawn in the nearby basket. I ditch that idea of mine and sat up to greet the dragon. "Morning, Spike. Sleep well?"

"Yup." He answered in the midst of his morning daze. "So who's making breakfast?"

"Would you mind?"

"No problem."

We each took a turn in the bathroom and walked downstairs. We weren't expecting anything to disrupt our morning routine. Certainly not this early. Somehow, in the middle of the living room with no viable entrances, there was a giant triple-decker cake. This cake was so big, it could fit two grown ponies inside. White frosting was adorned with pink edges that framed the irresistible treat in regal splendor. This cake looked so massive and delicious, that Celestia would only need three minutes to make it disappear.

Not that I was too focused on sugary foods that early in the morning. We stood at the base of the cake and peered up the frosted behemoth. The cake was so tall, it nearly touched the ceiling.

"Did you order this cake in secret, or something?" Spike asked.

"Considering I don't understand the logistics of getting something this big in such a confined space, we're either dealing with a supreme sorcerer or Pinkie Pie. I know which bet I'm taking."

To nopony's surprise, Rainbow and Pinkie showed themselves from behind the cake. I noticed that Pinkie looked livelier than she did the last two days. "Twilight, there you are!" Rainbow cheered.

I smiled with mock enthusiasm. "Oh good, we get to start this now."

"That's right! Oh, by the way:" Rainbow held out a small sack and dropped it into Spike's claws. "Here you go, buy yourself something nice. Just don't come back for a few hours."

Confused, Spike peeked inside the bag, seeing the many gold coins inside. He glanced around at us all with questions on his mind, but he let all of them go in light of the generous ~~bribe~~ gift. "Okay, thanks! See you later!" He left the house, no doubt to get the breakfast of his dreams.

Rainbow smiled at the results of her effort. "There, now that the kid is gone, the adults can have some fun!"

"For whatever one would consider an adult." I muttered sarcastically.

Pinkie wrapped a hoof around me comfortingly. "Aw, don't feel so down, Twilight! You don't even know what's in the cake!"

"You're right about that." I admitted. "I just figure that eggs, flour and sugar are among the contents."

"You're part right." Rainbow said deviously. "But there's a big surprise in store for you."

"It's hot sauce, isn't it?"

"Oh, it's hot, alright."

I opened my mouth to question that, but the words died in my mouth. What was she on about? Is she hinting at some kind of prank? Then again, the past couple of days felt like a really elaborate joke...

Pinkie hopped to one side of the cake. "That reminds me of a riddle! What's sweet and hot at the same time?"

"Spiced syrup?" I guessed.

"Yeah, but this will be a treat you'll really wanna sink your teeth into." Rainbow teased.

I groaned. "Argh, I'm getting impatient now. What's in the damn cake?"

Rainbow shrugged playfully. "Alright, I can see you're getting a little antsy. After all, who wouldn't be looking forward to having such a sweet dessert." She threw a rear hoof into the cake. It didn't make a splat, or at least not a big one. It made a dull thud, like it struck cardboard.

That's when I learned that the top two decks of the cake weren't really food, but rather a crafty disguise for a big cardboard box covered in cake frosting. The top of the cake split open like a banana, each of the splits falling open to form a neat little ramp for the cargo.

And laying down in the center of it all was a pure white mare with a golden mane that altogether made her seem like a vanilla cake. Her ruby eyes stared half-lidded at me, a saucy smile on her lips. She had her flank facing me, as if wanting me to stare at her cutie mark. Her cutie mark was a vanilla sundae topped with a cherry, but it was upside down for some reason. She threw back her long golden mane to draw focus on her body, lithe and agile in build.

What was her deal? I looked between Rainbow and Pinkie, but all they did was give me encouraging smiles. I looked back to the mysterious mare, standing up and stretching herself like a cat.

"Mmm, you must be Twilight Sparkle." She said, smile widening with growing excitement.

Crap, she was the next in line. Too bad I was out of convenient excuses to shoot her down. "Uh, yeah, that's me."

Satisfied with my answer, she walked towards me, slowly, with each step swaying her hips. "My name's Cherry Bottom, and I'm here for you."

"Yeah, I kinda got that."

She walked closer to me. She was getting so close that I was getting uncomfortable. I tried to step back in order to compensate, but she followed. The wall behind me was getting closer. I was getting worried. "Uh, so can I help you?"

My back pressed up against the wall. Even though I couldn't move back anymore, nothing stopped Cherry from getting closer to me. She had something against the concept of personal space, so she practically pressed against me with a hoof placed on the wall. "Tell me, how do you like dessert?"

The room felt like it got unbearably hot all of a sudden. "I have a feeling that was a rhetorical question."

Cherry chuckled at my remark. "You're very right about that." She leaned in, whispering hotly into my ear. "What do you say we have dessert in your bedroom? You can eat your sundae all the way down to the cherry."

Down to the cherry? What the hell does that mean? Wouldn't that imply the sundae... was upside down...?

Oh shit.

Only then realizing what was happening, magic charged into my horn with frenzied desperation. Cherry pulled back a bit in confusion, seeing the intense glowing of my horn. It was then that I learned I could teleport. I flashed through space to the top of the stairs, a chilled look of horror stamped on my face.

"Nope!" I ran to my room and slammed the door behind me.

Grasping out with my magic, I threw as many objects as I could at the door, hopefully blocking access to the room with the messy barricade. The whole room felt empty with everything, including the furniture, pressed against the door. That was fine with me, as I just wanted some space to freak out.

I took a few deep breaths, feeling thankful that at least she wouldn't be getting in here. If it weren't bad enough that I had to deal with ponies and their romance, I now had to deal with their sexiness. Sexual desires, I mean. Damn it, I don't want ponies coming on to me like this!

Rainbow flew in through the balcony to check on me. Pinkie was there too, somehow. "What was that all about? You have an irrational fear of ice cream, or what?"

I glared intensely at Rainbow. "What did you do?"

"What? You're the one who ran off!" She accused.

"Yeah, because you brought me a stripper in a cake!"

"She's not a stripper! Saying she's a stripper implies you wouldn't get any action."

I shivered and wretched at the same time. "Eugh, oh my God, that's so wrong."

"What's wrong with it? Prostitution's legal, you know."

"I don't care that it is!" I yelled. "You don't just send a prostitute to seduce someone without telling them!"

"Why not?"

Far beyond this crap, I refused to answer that question. "No, you've been putting me through all sorts of crap the past couple of days. I'm asking the questions now. Now, why in the hell are you throwing me into dates I didn't ask for, and hiring prostitutes to sate a desire I don't even have!?"

"Wait, you don't get horn-"

"Answer my goddamn question!"

She recoiled back defensively. "Geez, alright! I mean, I'm the one who forked over the bits for this..."

"Rainbow Dash..." I growled.

"I was just trying to help, alright? The Princess said we should be keeping an eye on you, and I noticed you get really tense."

My anger diminished greatly. "I get tense?"

"Yeah, while you exercise." She clarified. "I noticed every once in while that you stand in place and grimace, then you start doing something strenuous without taking a break first. It's like you're trying not to think about something. I remember you saying that stresses are getting to you, so I just wanted to help, but you don't really talk to us about your problems, so I figured you needed somepony closer than a friend."

Well, all was forgiven as far as I was concerned. However... "What about Cherry?"

"Oh, she was just supposed to be stress relief."

I scoffed and shook my head. But something she said bothered me. "So you mentioned the princess. You're doing this because Celestia said you should?"

"No, not entirely. She only said you had some problems."

I smirked. "Well, at least you aren't doing it out of obligation to the crown."

"Is that what you think this is?" Rainbow glared with offense. "Twilight, you've been keeping your problems to yourself so badly that even the princess of Equestria said something about it! Hearing her say that we need to pay more attention to you made me realize that we haven't really been paying attention to you at all! I don't want to leave my friends hanging, but you've been hanging there forever. I just want to help!"

I lowered my head with a sigh. "Rainbow, I'm grateful that you want to help. I really am." I put a hoof on her shoulder. "But I don't want my friends to go out of their way like this. You're here for me, and that's all I want."

Rainbow relaxed a bit. "Fine, if you're sure. You don't want help with whatever it is?"

"Sorry for the secrecy, but I'd rather keep it personal. Thanks for the offer."

Rainbow nodded, wanting to help, but told not to. "Alright. So, about Cherry..."

"I'm not having sex with a stranger, so no more prostitutes."

"But what am I going to do with her? I paid her for two hours."

"I'm sure you and Fluttershy can think of something." I said with a sly smile.

Rainbow's face went beet red. "W-whoa, do you think... I don't even think Flutters would even go for it."

"Try asking her."

Rainbow tapped her chin. "I think I'll go do that." She flew out of the room.

"Wait, Dashie and Fluttershy aredating?" Pinkie asked.

"I guess so."

Pinkie beamed. "Wow, all this time, two of our best friends were in love! I'd better go congratulate them the only way I know how!" She hopped once to leave, but stopped and turned to me. "Oh, and before I forget," Pinkie placed a hoof on my cheek. "I like you."

I raised an eyebrow at the contact, but paid it no further mind. "Thanks, Pinkie, I like you too."

Pinkie smiled widely at that and leaped off the balcony. Well, I was just happy that things worked out alright. Maybe now we could move on with our lives. I replaced everything in the room back to where they were supposed to be and opened the door, wanting to go downstairs and have that breakfast I was craving.

Cherry Bottom was propped on the door frame, smiling seductively. "With all the noise in there, I was worried you all started without me."

I froze for a second, and shut the door in her face. On second thought, I'll just take the balcony.

I stretched awake the next morning feeling better than the previous morning. With everything behind me, I was ready and set to have a more productive day. Yeah, I was a little hesitant to come back to the library since I was a little worried that she would still be there. It wasn't until I caught wind that Rainbow and Fluttershy had a good time a little later that I came back.

And by "caught wind", I mean Rainbow found me to brag about it.

All's well that ends well, so I was moving on. I woke up with Spike again, so we did our thing and went downstairs together.

My heart sank immediately. I stood at the base of yet another giant white cake in the living room. Dread filled the air, and only I could feel it.

"Uh, did you order a second cake when I wasn't looking?" Spike asked.

"God, I hope so." I said, staring up at the behemoth. Who did I piss off recently for this?

Rainbow Dash walked out from behind the cake, without Pinkie, strangely, looking confused. She held out a sack of coins to Spike. "Here, leave the library for a bit, will ya?"

Spike looked at the sack, but just shrugged. "Okay," He left the library, presumably for a second consecutive breakfast courtesy of Cream Cheese's Bagels.

I glared tiredly at the pegasus. "What did we discuss yesterday?"

"Hey, don't look at me!" She defended. "This wasn't my idea!"

"So whose idea was it to get another cake?"

"Er, you'll see, I guess."

I looked back to the cake with apprehension. "There better not be a prostitute in there."

"Oh, there's not." She remarked dryly.

"Then what's in it?"

Then the cake exploded. Frosting and pieces of cake flew onto both of us and around the living room, covering everything in a layer of delicious sugary toppings. I wiped it all off my face to see the reason for the confectionery demolition that shook the peace of my hopeful morning. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that there wasn't another prostitute.

It was just Pinkie Pie.

Granted, she was the only one in the room not covered in cake, despite being in the very center of the blast. That must have been a feat of sorcery greater than smuggling such a big cake into the library.

She smiled at me, scooping up a clump of cake and holding it up for me to see. "Looks like somepony is getting their just desserts."

Gag, that was awful. "Let me guess, you just wanted to get me some cake?" Presumably as an apology.

"That or a pie." Pinkie shot back.

I shrugged indifferently. "Either way, thanks." I sat down and scooped up a little cake.

Pinkie sat across from me, scooping up some cake as well. We ate cake right off the floor, and we didn't give a single damn about it. As far as breakfast goes, this was nice.

Pinkie held out a clump for me. An interesting game, which I decided to play. I leaned in for her to put it in my mouth. We both smiled at simple act. I held out a clump for her to eat as reciprocation.

Pinkie didn't just eat the cake out of my hoof, she wrapped her whole damn mouth around my hoof. She licked all around my hoof, moving her tongue in little circles along the center. There were few techniques she didn't use, like broad strokes on the periphery of my hoof, or just sucking on it. After a few strange seconds, she withdrew from my hoof with a pop.

I looked at my hoof, dripping with Pinkie's saliva. I looked at Pinkie, who licked her lips at me. I turned to Rainbow, who I explected to be the voice of reason here, who looked away with blood rushing to her face. "Uh, I gotta go." She left the library, too.

That left me alone with Pinkie Pie, who still looked like she thought my hoof made the cake tastier than it already was. I chuckled nervously. "How about we have a normal breakfast?"

Pinkie shrugged. "Okay."

We walked out of the living room, leaving the mess behind to clean up later. I was too embarrassed to bring up what Pinkie did to my hoof, so I just washed it in order to prepare for cooking. Pinkie joined me in the kitchen for the preparation, chuckling and nudging me playfully all the while. She was being very forward in wanting to spend time with me, which I really appreciated. With a smile from the both of us, we cooked breakfast together to start a wonderful day.

Impending Crisis

Another morning meant another delicious breakfast. Spike crunched on pancakes with gems in them, drenched in maple syrup. My pancakes, while free of gems, had just as much syrup. Slices of toast didn't last long on the table, glasses of juice drained quickly, and even the pancakes couldn't withstand our coordinated devouring barrage.

It was a happy and healthy meal as far as we were concerned.

Magic flashed throughout the kitchen, setting every plate, pan, and fork in the sink to soak. Breakfast and dishes done, Spike and I made way to the living room.

"I think you're getting better at pancakes." Spike remarked with a pat of his stomach.

"You think so?" I had a tiny smile at the praise.

"Yeah! After all, you put emeralds in the batter."

I chuckled lightly. "I thought you'd like that."

I flashed my magic again, opening the lectern holding onto some stray parchment containing what we needed to do around the house.

"Okay, we need to get some more sugar. It keeps disappearing for some reason..."

"I can handle that!" Spike volunteered readily.

"Alright, then. Here's some bits." I flashed a few gold coins onto the table.

Spike scooped them into his claw. "Is there anything else we need while I'm out?"

"Oh, we need more bleach!" I remembered.

Spike nodded, then frowned in thought. "Couldn't you use magic to clean the toilet without a cleaner?"

"Yeah, but I like the way it smells when bleach permeates the air."

Spike narrowed his eyes. I shrugged. "Okay, I guess I'll get some bleach, then."

"Make sure to get the bargain brand. You'll spend fewer bits so you can get something you want out there."

Spike smiled. "Thanks, Dusk! You're the greatest."

"Anytime," Spike walked off, so I withdrew another parchment to check its contents. It was awfully nice of Spike to volunteer to do shopping trips so much. It's no wonder why I've taken to giving a little more than necessary.

Wait a minute...

"Hey Spike," I called as he opened the door. He turned to face me in the doorway. "You haven't been doing all the shopping around here because you know I'll give a little extra, have you?"

Spike darted his eyes in one directions real quick before staring straight at me. "...Yes?" He admitted.

"Playing the system, huh?" I smirked. "You're learning well. Here." I summoned another pair of coins into his claw.

Spike practically beamed at the reward. "Thank you!"

Spike ran off like he just stole a watch. I shook my head with a laugh and shut the door behind him. While he was out, no doubt about to shop for something to splurge on, I still had my duties to fulfill. My newest list only had the titles of a few books that needed shelving. I levitated each book into its proper place. Simple task, only five seconds long.

Then I tallied the days that other books have been out. We were still over a week from anything being overdue, so I was fresh out of things I needed to do.

It just then hit me that I needed to check the mail. I popped outside for just the moment I needed to take out the single envelope inside. The front had four sets of writing on the front, each proclaiming the author. It was a letter from my friends in Canterlot: Minuette, Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine, and Moon Dancer.

I settled into my chair at the lectern, gently opening the letter in my magic and reading what they all had to say.

Hey Twilight!

Judging from the opening alone, it had to be written primarily by Minuette.

Things have been pretty busy since you left! Lemon had this great idea to see a play at the theater, and we all totally agreed. Moon Dancer hasn't been out in a while, so we figured we could go out to have some fun! Girls night out!

I found myself whooping at the sentiment. I wonder why.

Anyway, the play was really good. Have you ever seen Happily Never After? It's about those foal's stories where there's a happily ever after, but it really wasn't, so all the couples go to marriage counseling.

I had to say, I liked the idea.

Even Moon Dancer was howling with laughter the whole time! (I was not literally howling. -Moon Dancer.) It was a lot of fun.

Then we went roller-blading! You should see me in the rink; I look like I belong on professional circuits!

I rolled my eyes at the boast. I somehow doubt Minuette was that good. A good portion of the letter was scribbled out for some reason.

Sorry, the others don't want me to tell you what happened at the cucumber festival. It was really funny, but it was really embarrassing, too.

What could have been so embarrassing? This was going to nag at me all day.

Anyway, how have things been going in Ponyville? We really want to hear from you again! It already feels like forever since you visited. What's it like being a bookworm librarian? How's Spike? We have so many questions!

Looking forward to your correspondence,

Your Friends.

Sounds like they were having a good time. I smiled and pushed aside the letter. It's gladdening to hear from them again, so I couldn't resist grabbing a quill and writing back. I opened with a casual greeting, returning their enthusiasm and thinking of what I could relate to them. I thought the brunch the other day was a good topic, so my quill scratched out the beginning of my tale. I figured it would be a pretty good idea to keep the private conversation I had with the princess a secret, though, so all they would ever know about was the fun bits: an awkward set-up, an anonymous bird snatching, and my experience with getting arrested. That would be good for a laugh.

Somepony knocked at the door. I set the quill into the inkwell for the time being, and got up to answer the door.

The door slid open with my magic. "Welcome to the Golden Oaks Library. How can I help you?"

Of the two ponies outside, the first one before me was a white coated stallion a little taller than I was. His two-toned blue mane parted down behind his head, and his cerulean eyes shone with familiarity.

That was about all I could make out before he rushed forward and latched onto me with a tight hug. "Twiley!"

As tight as he was squeezing, I should have had trouble breathing. Lots of physical training has left me stronger than that, so it wasn't the force of his affection that had me stunned. I had a little trouble wrapping my head around the sudden turn of events. It's like I was expecting Bon Bon or that Octavia chick to be coming over for something, and one of Twilight's many Canterlot friends showed up to check on her, instead.

Crap, that's what was happening, wasn't it? He even had a cutesy nickname for her.

He withdrew from the hug and smiled down at me. "Whoa, Twilight, when'd you get so buff?"

I looked over the guy one more time, getting a real good look. As I thought, I had no idea who he was. He was pretty cute, though. Hell, I'm not even attracted to ponies, and seeing this guy made something in me feel warm and tingly. I shrugged nervously at his question. "About the time we stopped seeing each other, I guess."

The mystery stallion nodded. "It's definitely paid off. By the way, guess who else is here?"

I pretended to be excited about the reveal, as opposed to the dread I felt. He stepped aside and revealed a pink alicorn. Seriously, another alicorn? Where did she even come from, and how come I never heard about her? I could have sworn there was just the two, and this pretty little number shows up out of nowhere, with a sparkling smile and excited pink eyes. And with that gold regalia of hers, she was definitely a third princess. Just my luck that Twilight had close ties with all three of the most powerful ponies in the land, and most likely to crucify me hilariously if my act went wrong.

I smiled away my thoughts and pretended to know who she was. "Oh my God, I can't believe it!"

The anonymous alicorn stepped forward and giggled. "It's been so long, Twilight!" She leaned down to my level. "Ready?"

"Uh..."

Before I could ask, she launched right into "it". "Sunshine sunshine," She chanted, prancing in place. "Ladybugs awake!" She lied down and covered her eyes with her hooves, popping them off like she was playing peek-a-boo. "Clap your hooves," She did so. "And do a little shake!" She punctuated the ritual with a shake of her rear.

I looked her up and down, trying to make sense of it. "What the hell was that?"

Her smile diminished a bit at the question. "Oh, you don't remember our hoofshake? It's funny, we used to do it every time we saw each other."

Crap, she was really familiar with Twilight. "Sorry, I guess I just haven't been thinking about it. I just remember how much... fun we had together?"

"I'm just glad you haven't forgotten about me!" She said with a laugh. I joined in with a more wry sense of humor. "So, can we come in?"

"Sure," I cleared the way for these two complete strangers to enter my home. I shot one last look around outside to see if Spike got turned around or something. No such luck; I was on my own.

The stallion scanned the room. "So, this is your library, huh? I have to say, this looks like your kind of paradise." His gaze stopped upon my shrine to Beifong. "Uh, what's that?"

"You like it? I made it when I tried my hoof at sculpting."

"It looks very nice." The mare complimented. "I think you did a marvelous job."

"Thanks, it's pretty easy to do when you have magic. Anyway, you two want to take a seat while I grab some some drinks? We got all kinds of stuff."

"Can I get a tea?" The alicorn asked.

"Water will be fine for me." The stallion said.

"Gotcha."

While they sat themselves, I went into the kitchen to fix some tea. I went through the motions, not really paying attention, since I was more focused on coming up with some kind of plan. These two ponies would catch on if I wasn't careful. If only there was some way to get their names and relations, then things would get a lot easier.

As I set the water on the stove, a bag rustled on the table behind me. I saw Pinkie Pie, once more sneaking into my kitchen with no obvious point of entry, with an energy drink can. She was pouring a bag of sugar into it with a funnel.

Pinkie smiled and waved enthusiastically. "Good morning, Twilight!"

I eyed the bag of sugar ruefully, now understanding where it's all been going. "Good morning. Having a jump start to your day?"

"Yep! How did you know I jumped out of bed this morning?"

"I'm a good guesser. In any case, I trust you're doing okay?"

"Yep yep! The Cakes are letting me have a day to myself so the Missus can see the doctor about her tummy again, so I figured that I can spend the day on the smartest pony in Ponyville! Hi, smartest pony!" She greeted again.

"Well, if you want to waste your day, that's your prerogative." I joked.

"Aw, my day is never wasted with you!" She hopped right over the kitchen table in one bound, clattering her funnel and an empty bag of sugar onto the floor. She landed with impossible grace, only pausing in midair to down her energy drink in one gulp and pat me on the shoulder.

"Always an optimist." I remarked gladly. The teabag was set into the water, doing whatever teabags do in hot water. Seep? Yeah, let's go with that.

"So what are you going to do today?" Pinkie hunched over, tail twirling above her excitedly.

This was actually perfect. With Pinkie here with nothing to do, she could be the savior I needed to get through this meeting with Twilight's lost friends. If I could get her to introduce herself to those two in the living room, I could get their names and pretend everything was fine!

"Actually, I have some company over. They're new in town, and I'm sure they would love to meet you."

Pinkie gasped dramatically. "New ponies? I love new ponies!"

"Great, they're in the other room!" I stood next to the kitchen door and pushed it open. "After you."

She darted outside faster than my eyes could follow. Only peering into the other room helped me find her again, where she was hopping around the two confused ponies. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! She was right! New ponies!"

The stallion watched the peppy pony warily. "What the- who is this?"

"A good friend of mine." I answered as I entered. "Don't mind her behavior too much."

Pinkie wrapped a hoof around both of them, bringing them in for one-legged hugs that pressed their cheeks together. "You know what I do for new ponies in town?"

"Suffocate them?" Was the stallion's strangled response.

"We party!" Pinkie corrected in a burst of sudden confetti.

The alicorn, pulling away from the hug, giggled at the excited antics. "So Twilight, aren't you going to introduce us?"

"Of course." I claimed, stepping in to put my hoof around Pinkie. "This is my dear friend Pinkie Pie. She's the partiest pony in Ponyville."

"Nice to meet you!" Pinkie greeted. "And I'm super-duperly positively positive that you'll meet lots of friends in Ponyville!"

The stallion chuckled nervously. I can't imagine why, it's just Pinkie Pie. "Well, it's nice to meet you."

They all looked to me expectantly. I waved off their expectations with smooth misdirection. "I think you all should introduce yourselves. You should get to know each other, after all."

The alicorn nodded at the sentiment. "That's a good idea, Twilight." She brought her full attention on Pinkie in an introductory manner. "I'm Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, but you can call me Cadence. I was Twilight's foalsitter even back before she entered into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns."

Pinkie beamed at the news. "You foalsat Twilight? That's so adorable! I can't wait to hear all kinds of cute stories about it!"

I wasn't too upset about the possibility of Twilight's embarrassing foalhood memories getting leaked. Why would I? It's not like they were mine. Still, this was some cause for concern, considering she was supposed to be the one who supervised me for the greater portion of my life. It goes without saying how nervous that made me.

It only got worse. The stallion brought a hoof to his chest as he introduced himself as well. "And my name's Shining Armor, Twilight's older brother. I'm a guard at the palace, and officially, I'm Cadence's personal bodyguard."

The climate in the library grew ten times thicker than a clear atmosphere has any right to be. Silence reigned more supreme than any monarch, and all was still. In the corner of my eyes, for I was too scared to move them, I examined Pinkie Pie. There was something dark about her. It was a seething, writhing mass that my mortal eyes should not have been able to see. I saw incalculable rage struggling to bubble to the surface, but any outside observer would just see Pinkie Pie sitting perfectly still with a stony smile.

With arduous, monotonous speed, Pinkie's haunting smile and dull eyes bore into me with the strength greater than any drill. "Brother, you say. That's interesting. Hey Twilight, could I speak with you for a moment?"

I rattled in place. Under her withering stare, and the mounting confusion in the pair before us, my fate was certain. I'd be lucky to live past noon.

Strangely, hearing that Shining Armor was my brother made the warm, tingly part of me wither and die.

Author's Note

I'm back.

Squee? :unsuresweetie:

Something short to help me get back into things.

Family

Were I to analyze the emotional composition of the room, it would be fifty percent confusion, ten percent pure rage, and forty percent fear. I guarantee that I was more scared of Pinkie than she was mad at me.

Why? Why did I have to tell her I was an only child? Now I really will see what life is like from inside a pie!

Before I could formulate some kind of plan for the worst case scenario, Pinkie repeated her question. "Well, can we talk?"

I forced a painfully fake laugh. "Well, I can certainly talk! Can you?"

Pinkie snorted, first in humor, then in fury. "You know what I mean."

Nervous laughter. "I don't suppose you'd let me catch up with these ponies first, would you?"

"You mean your brother and a mare that you apparently know well enough to essentially be your sister? Sure, why not?"

"Is there a problem between you two?" Cadance asked.

"Nope!" I replied quickly. "I mean, it's a long and personal story. Don't worry about it. How about you? How are things going?"

Cadance and Shining shared quick looks. Shining especially looked uncertain. "Are you sure? Because your friend is staring very intensely at you."

"Look who's dodging questions now!" I forced more awkward laughter. "So, how's life in all its generalities? Done anything interesting?"

"Er, we went to Prance."

"Prance!" I exclaimed excitedly at the topic. "Where all the nubile ladies dance! What was it like?"

"I think you summed it up, actually." Cadance smirked. "Why the interest?"

My eye twitched at the suggestion. "No reason. Just... talking."

"Really? Are you sure you don't want me to help you find a lovely companion?"

Pinkie jumped into the conversation. "Actually, Twilight doesn't like it when you do that. Trust me, I've been there."

"Wait, you tried to get Twilight a mate?" Shining asked incredulously.

"Yeah, it didn't work out too well."

"I'd sooner shoot myself in the face with a cannon." I added seriously.

Those two looked shell-shocked at that revelation. Maybe the Twilight they knew was a die-hard romantic? When Cadance piped up, I had to consider if that was it. "How can dating go that poorly?"

"Eh, I'm just not interested." I said with a shrug. "Why would I be? Life is crazy enough as it is."

"I'm that craziness!" Pinkie boasted.

"Well, she's a part of it, I guess."

Cadance noted the two of us suspiciously, but continued onwards. "So I take it Ponyville is a wild town."

"Yeah, things have been getting crazier by the day. When I first got here, it was only about once a week that something silly came up. It's like every day, now."

"Silly how?" Shining asked.

"Well, I guess the return of Princess Luna can be silly. You know she tossed me into the roof of a crumbling castle?"

"She did what?" He practically gasped.

"Er, moving on, then. There was a rhyming shaman that came into town, trying to buy roses. Then Trixie showed up, and a couple of kids brought an Ursa into town. Yeah, guess who had to take care of that?" I patted my chest. "This mare."

"How did you deal with the Ursa?"

"Sleep spell. Ursa minors aren't that bad, really. And as for all the other weirdness, we have Pinkie Pie here sneaking into my house all the time. Funny thing is I have no idea how she does it."

Pinkie latched onto my side in a one-legged hug with a beaming smile. "It's a trade secret for helping me get closer to the ponies I love!" She giggled kindly, then leaned in with a dark whisper. "I still want to talk to you."

I shivered at the reminder and laughed uneasily. "I love you, too."

Cadance, most likely ignoring my discomfort, smiled sweetly and leaned in with interest. "So when's the wedding?"

This non-sequitur caught me a little off guard. "What wedding? Are you guys getting married or something?"

There was a heavy pause from my visitors. I couldn't immediately tell why, but Shining managed an answer. "Um, yes we are. Didn't you read the letter we sent you?"

What letter? "I must not have gotten it."

"But we sent it to you through Spike! How could you not get the letter?"

Crap, this must've been back when Spike still hated me. He probably forgot about the letter at some point and didn't really bring it up. "Huh. that's odd. For whatever reason, it just didn't come through. I'll have to look into this."

"This isn't going to be one of those times where you go a few days without sleep as you pore through books, is it?" He asked with worry.

"Oh please, when have I ever done that?"

"Practically every weekend when one of your professors assigned a research paper." Came a prompt reply.

I groaned. "I was being facetious."

Speaking of, the front door opened and the drake himself walked backwards through the doorway with a bag of sugar in one claw and a bottle of bleach in the other. "Hey Dusk, they had these ice-cream sandwiches shaped like cats! It had cookies mixed in with the-" He finally turned around and saw the other three for the first time, prompting him to drop everything in surprise. "Ah, Shining Armor, Twilight's Big Brother Best Friend Forever and high ranking officer in the royal guard! And he's with Princess Cadance, the princess of love! Oh my gosh!"

I had to sigh with my head in a hoof. That had to be the most blatant and stilted exclamation I have ever heard. It didn't help that I already knew what he was not so subtly telling me.

At the very least, Shining Armor didn't mind Spike's entrance. "Hey, little bro! Good to see ya!"

"How's our favorite little drake?" Cadance asked kindly.

"Good! Good." Spike twiddled his claws, trying not to look suspicious.

Since nopony was looking at me, I took the opportunity to craft an escape, even if it was only temporary. I cast a simple illusion, a disembodied noise coming from the kitchen that I made sound just like a teapot's high-pitched whine. "Oh, the tea is done! Hey Spike, can you help me out for a minute? I'll need your help."

Spike gulped. "Sure...?"

"Great!" I levitated him into the kitchen and walked into the doorway.

"I still want to talk to you!" Pinkie called irritably.

"We'll talk later!" Came my startled cry.

The door slammed shut, and I hastened to erect a sound-proof ward on the door. Preparations completed, I spun onto Spike and grabbed his shoulders firmly. "Spike, man, we fucked up! Why didn't you say anything about her brother?"

Spike mumbled. "I dunno, he's just so... forgettable." Spike picked himself back up, however. "Wait, why didn't you look into her family yourself? Surely you would have done that!"

"Well, I tried to, but she didn't have any personal photographs or anything. Hell, what kind of pony doesn't have a photo album?"

Spike was confused at my question. "But we do have a photo album."

"What? How did you find it?"

"It was in a box in the basement."

"But there are, like, a million boxes down there!"

"Well I found it. How could you not know about it?"

"I don't even know where you put it!"

"I left it under my bed."

"Why do you think I would check under your bed?"

Spike opened his mouth to answer, but couldn't come up with one. "Alright, I see your point. So what do you plan to do now?"

"Well, we can't just spend half an hour in here discussing who these ponies are. They'll expect us to come out soon with a cup of tea, so our time is short. We'll just have to see where this goes."

"That seems like a bad idea."

"I know, but I've been through worse."

I poured a cup of tea and and a cup of water, inspecting each real quick. Everything looked good, so we went back into the living room. Pinkie Pie was in the middle of a conversation with Cadance. "So what kind of gifts would she like?"

"No question about it: books." Cadance replied matter-of-factly.

Pinkie wasn't so sure about that idea. "Are we talking about the same pony?"

"Who are we talking about?" I asked, hoping to catch up.

Everypony jumped in surprise and pasted phony grins on their faces upon my arrival. Pinkie was the quickest to respond. "Oh, you know, just discussing romance with the princess of love."

"So I take it you have someone in mind?"

"Yep!"

A patient silence lapsed, mostly in part because of me wanting to hear who Pinkie was going to mention, but she wasn't very cooperative. After about twenty seconds of awkwardly standing around, I passed around the refreshments and let it drop. "So, sorry about the interruption, but the tea was done, so, yeah."

"Oh, no, thank you!" Cadance sipped the tea gladly. "The tea is very good."

"Thanks, it's generic."

Cadance stared deeply into her cup with realization. "Oh my gosh, it all tastes the same." She said quietly.

"Er, so, Shining Armor, how was Prance?" Spike asked.

"It was great, thanks for asking. Once we did our business there, we went around to all the tourist stops. Seeing the sights, having a romantic boat ride," He smirked slyly at Cadance. "Dancing Parlors."

"Is that code for 'strip club'?" I asked.

"Oh no, of course not." Cadance cut in, almost sarcastically. "Royalty would never go to a nudie bar."

"Do you ponies realize Spike's in the room when you say these things?" Asked a concerned Shining Armor.

"I dunno, he doesn't seem so upset when I'm drinking." I said, figuring nothing of it.

"You drink in front of Spike?" Shining asked incredulously. "Wait, when did you start drinking?"

Ah, Twilight didn't drink. "About the same time the state figured I could use some excitement in my life."

"The state...?"

"Yeah, you know. The princess."

Shining blinked. "Okay."

You have no idea. "That's great. Say bro, how have things been since I left?"

Shining quirked an eyebrow. "'Bro'?"

"I blame Rainbow Dash!" Spike blurted out.

"What?"

Figuring Twilight didn't speak like that, I latched onto Spike's given cover story. "Yeah, I must've picked up a few habits while I was here. You know how it is."

"Makes sense, given how this is essentially your first experience with friends." Cadance noted.

"What? I had friends in Canterlot!" I protested. I couldn't exactly forget them, and I doubt the real Twilight did, either.

"Really? It's strange that you never brought them up." Pinkie commented wryly. Her smile twinged at the edges.

Crap, I also told Pinkie I never had friends. There was little more I could do but rub the back of my head in a sheepish manner. "What we had apparently counted. I couldn't tell because there wasn't any... rainbows, or anything."

"Friendship doesn't come with rainbows." Shining tried to tell me.

"Well I know that now."

"Then how did you know you became friends with the ponies here?" Cadance asked quite understandably.

"A rainbow light show."

"But friendship doesn't do that!" Shining protested.

"Ours did, so I don't know what to tell ya." I said with a shrug.

Shining shook his head in disbelief. "Did it really?" He asked Pinkie.

"Yep! A rainbow laser came out of our friendship necklaces and zoomed into Black Snooty and turned her into Blue Cutie!"

Shining was at a loss for words. "Uh..."

"She means Princess Luna." I supplied helpfully.

"Congratulations on awakening the Elements of Harmony, by the way!" Cadance cheered with a smile.

A loud pop and a puff of confetti startled Shining and Cadance, though Spike and I were completely unfazed. We all turned to Pinkie with a party popper in her hooves. She chuckled self-consciously. "Sorry. Reflex."

"You're good." I returned Cadance's smile. "Thanks. We had to march through half a forest that wanted us dead. Wouldn't have been so bad if our designated villain didn't throw it all at us."

Shining couldn't contain a proud smile at who he thought was his little sister. "That's very impressive. The royal guard still has trouble in the Everfree when we send the odd patrol in there."

"What can I say? I have talented friends."

"For a graduate of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, that must be some high praise." Cadance no doubt said as a stroke to my ego, if I were Twilight.

"Well, Pinkie Pie over here is a world-class acrobat and endlessly optimistic mare when she's not sneaking into my house."

"And I am even then!" Pinkie added giddily.

"What about Rarity?" Spike asked.

"Very classy." I said simply. "I saw her kick a manticore in the face and not give a fuck. She's pretty incredible like that."

Shining bore a frown of concern at my response. "Did you just swear?"

Shit. "Uh, yeah. Sorry, I kinda picked that up, too."

"You picked up on casual swearing?"

My eyes shot to the side subconsciously. "Yes."

"You should probably work on that." Cadance suggested.

"I try, but not very hard."

Shining and Cadance shared a look. Crap, that wasn't a good thing to say. Spike noticed too, and to the kid's credit, he was the one to save the day and change the approach. "Hey, Rarity lives just down the street! How about we go introduce her?"

I would have snapped my fingers proudly if I didn't have hooves at the time. "Great idea, Spike! It's like two minutes to walk."

"Well, I would like to see what kind of ponies you've been spending time with." Shining supposed.

"Sounds like a plan." Cadance agreed.

Awesome, time to take the show on the road, even if only to temporarily mask my faults. We left right after a quick check to turn off the stove and all that.

I wasn't kidding when I said it was a two minute walk. The trip to Carousel Boutique was shorter than my temper. The building itself was as immaculate as ever, and the sign out front declared its state of inactive business.

I wasted no time. The doorbell rung and filled the house with a short tune. Mere moments later, and Ponyville's top fashion icon answered promptly. "Oh, hello Twilight. I suppose I have time, if you're looking to have your measurements redone."

I raised an eyebrow. "Is that a fat joke coming from you? I mean I'm not insulted, it's just a little surprising."

Flustered, Rarity shook her head in rapid denial. "Oh, heavens no! It's just that your muscles have gotten so much more defined since you last visited." Rarity lowered her voice to the point she thought I couldn't hear. "Though your eating habits do leave me worried."

This had my curiosity. "What's wrong with my eating habits?"

"Nothing!" She cried in desperation. "And Pinkie Pie, it's always great to see you!"

"Sure, don't mention her eating habits." I muttered.

Pinkie didn't show any concern for me, however. "Hi Rarity! Hi ponyquin! Hi other ponyquin! Hi another ponyquin!-"

Figuring she was going to do that for a while, Rarity moved on to greeting Spike. "And how's my favorite little drake?"

Spike smiled wide and dreamily, as he usually does around her. "Great, thanks for asking."

Cadance giggled in the back of the group. "Make that three weddings."

That little joke caught Rarity's attention, after which she shifted her focus on the two new ponies. "I'm terribly sorry, but I forgot to introduce myself. I am Rarity, proprietor of Carousel Boutique. Would you happen to be friends of Twilight's?"

Cadance answered first, kindly and with a warm smile. "I'm Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, but you can call me Cadance."

Rarity curtsied promptly. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

Cadance couldn't help but to blush bashfully. "Oh, that isn't necessary."

"As you say. And you must be..." Rarity's entire demeanor dropped the moment he saw Shining Armor. Her kind eyes performed the seamless shift into the gaze of a love struck filly. "Prince Charming."

While I noticed Spike's jealous glare, Shining wasn't so observant. "He's still in Prance. I'm actually Shining Armor, Twilight's older brother."

"Brother, you say?" Rarity glared at me in a familiar way. "I'm sorry, but can I have a quick moment alone with Twilight?"

My heart sunk. I could've sworn I never told Rarity anything about my family life! Yet here we are, with her looking like she wants to chew me up and spit me out, likely into a shallow grave. "Uh, what for?"

"It's just for a moment." She assured me. "It's nothing special, just about dresses, and makeup, and..."

"Alright alright, I get it!" I interrupted hastily. Whatever she really wanted to talk about couldn't be as bad as with Pinkie, in any case.

"Hey, I still want to talk to you!" Pinkie declared on our way to another room.

"Next time!" I sped up my trot, eager to escape Pinkie's growing hatred.

Rarity shut the kitchen door behind us, taking extra care to turn the lock with a frightening click. Immediately, my mind went to planning for the worst case scenario. If she levitated knives out of the drawers behind me, I could erect a shield behind me. The only flaw with that semi-spherical shield was its glaring weakness in the front, and I knew Rarity knew martial arts, so she'd likely rush me then. Maybe I could teleport out of the way, but then I'd run the risk of her accidentally stabbing herself...

The moment of truth had come, and she spun upon me angrily. "You need to explain yourself!"

I took an involuntary step back, dweomers on the mind just in case. "Oh God, what did I do this time?"

"How dare you!" She seethed. "You had a hot older brother all this time, and you never said anything?"

I relaxed my defensive instincts, but I could only imagine what she was on about. "Wait, what?"

"Your brother, Shining Armor! He must be the most handsome stallion I have ever met! And you were keeping him a secret! For shame, Twilight Sparkle!"

"Well, I'm pretty sure I'm legally obligated not to notice my own brother's sexiness." I remarked sarcastically. "Besides, I'm not about to go around pimping him out."

"That's no excuse! Why in Equestria would you not even say anything about him! Do you even know how hard it is to find the perfect stallion?"

"You probably don't want to go after Shining Armor."

"Why not? He seems like a perfect gentlecolt!"

"He's already engaged."

Great anger made way for great sorrow. "Oh. Who's the lucky mare?"

"Cadance."

"Ah." Rarity stared at the floor. "Yes, it figures a princess would catch his attention."

I sighed and hugged Rarity consolingly. "Hey there, don't feel too bad. You're quite the catch yourself, and I'm certain you can have any stallion you want."

Rarity smiled hopefully at me. "You mean it?"

"Absolutely. As long as it's not my brother."

Rarity frowned. "I think we've kept them waiting long enough."

I smiled guiltily. She unlocked the door with a huff and led us back to the reception area, which doubled as a suitable living room when arranged right.

Once again, the others were in the middle of a conversation with Pinkie having another question on the mind. "But how should I tell her of my feelings?"

Cadance was ever ready with an exuberant answer. "That's easy: just go for it!"

"I dunno, I'm kinda nervous. She's so strong and fierce and unflinching and adorably intimidating that I can't help but to have my tongue tie itself in knots!"

Shining blinked heavily. "...Are we talking about the same pony?"

I stepped into the conversation right then. "Pinkie's mystery girlfriend, again?"

"Not really that much of a mystery..." Spike muttered.

"It kind of is when I don't know who it is."

"Don't worry, you know her very well." Pinkie teased.

I tapped my chin to consider the remark. "Hmm. You know Rainbow's taken, right?"

Pinkie threw her head back and laughed. To my embarrassment, everypony including Cadance giggled at my expense. "You'll have to guess again."

"Oh, uh... I suppose Pinkie could be an Applejack kind of girl..."

This only redoubled their laughter. I was going to protest, but Rarity stopped me with a hoof. "As amusing as your blindness can be, we really must take a seat and entertain our guests."

I harrumphed. "They seem pretty entertained to me."

I gruffly took my seat and let the conversation flow around me, starting with Rarity asking polite questions. "So Cadance, I absolutely admire your mane!"

"Thank you! I've been using Prench hair products for a few weeks now, and I've definitely noticed a difference."

I groaned and sank into my chair. Figures these two would start talking about girly crap no one cares about. I looked to Shining Armor to share the sentiment, but his eyes were locked on his mare's moving lips and lively mane. Damn if he wasn't enraptured by her beauty. I noticed then that Spike was doing much the same for Rarity. This drew a roll of my eyes and a contemplative frown. I didn't want to sit there listening to fashion tips, but I didn't have the right excuse to leave or anything. At least Spike and Shining had their distractions. Maybe I could find my own...

Pinkie tapped my cheek with her snout. "Hey, Twilight."

Oh good, a distraction. "Hey."

"You don't really want to listen to them talking about mane care, do you?"

"Not really, no."

"Great! Then how would you like to find a closet so we can have a quick private chat?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but I noticed the manic glint in her eyes. "Er, on second thought, I've been dealing with knots in my hair, so I think I'm just gonna sit here and hope they mention some kind of fix."

"If you say so." Pinkie dismissed with narrow eyes.

No one seemed to notice Pinkie's offer, which made me grateful. I was doubly grateful that the conversation was changing topics. Thank goodness.

Rarity's eyes shined at Cadance's glittering jewelry. "And your accessories are so polished and divine! It must be the most glamorous thing, being a princess."

Cadance smiled ruefully. "Being a princess can be pretty stressful, but it does come with some great perks. Might as well make use of them!"

"I should say!" Rarity smiled knowingly at me. "It's a wonder how you and your family have so many personal ties to royalty."

I shrugged noncommittally. "What can I say? My family is kind of special." It was true, I suppose. Twilight and her family were pretty special ponies.

"It's true. You and your brother have a knack for getting an alicorn's attention." Cadance said presumably as a compliment to me.

"Indeed, I must know the secret." Rarity pried.

"For Shiny, he just needed to be cute." Cadance winked playfully at the stallion, who simply blushed and smiled appreciatively.

"Twilight had a severe emotional breakdown at a pivotal moment in her life." Spike helpfully supplied, seeing where this was going.

"That's not very nice." Shining chided.

I was a whole lot more indifferent than him. "Eh, he's about right." At least I think so.

"It's still not nice." Shining argued.

"What do I care? He knows that I'm not offended about that kind of thing."

"Does it even bother you?"

I just shook my head. He couldn't believe that his little sister was so blasé. Makes sense, as the real Twilight wasn't beaten down by a heavy dose of reality. Come to think of it, I used to have a hard time believing Equestria was real. It's just too perfect, you know?

"You really have grown."

"Years'll do that to ya."

"How many years?" Pinkie asked.

I think she meant how many years separated from my brother. I was at a bit of a loss on how to answer that. I looked to Spike real quick, and he flashed five digits. "Five years." I said with a nod.

Pinkie gasped dramatically. "Five years without your brother? That must have been so sad!"

"Why do you keep assuming I'm sad about everything?"

"'Cause you usually are."

Her response was met with a long stare of incredulity. I had no idea what she was talking about, yet I had nothing to say.

"What have you been sad about?" Shining asked with worry.

"This is news to me." I said with complete sincerity.

"I would think one's own sadness would be obvious." Rarity noted.

"I'm not sad!" I huffed.

"Aw, you don't need to put on a brave face for us!" Pinkie wrapped around my waist, nuzzling herself under my chin. "We're all here for you."

I only pouted more. "I swear to God..."

Rarity sighed and shook her head. "And to think she's still oblivious."

"I get it, my friends care about me!" I snapped.

This drew another round of chuckles from from everyone, which still left me embarrassed and confused.

Somepony knocked at the front door.

"You'd better get that." I grumbled bitterly.

Rarity rolled her eyes mirthfully and did just that. The door opened and she gasped in surprise at her visitor. "Oh, Fluttershy!"

The voice of my timid friend greeted her just around the open door blocking my view. "Hello, Rarity. Are you ready for our day at the spa? That is, if you don't mind..."

"Oh, of course, darling! I wouldn't dream of missing out on our time together. It's just that I have company at the moment. Would you like to come inside for a bit?"

"Oh, I wouldn't want to impose..."

"Nonsense, darling! It's just Spike, Twilight, her brother, and her sister-in-law."

This did not seem to appease Fluttershy. "That's a lot of ponies I don't know."

"But it's a lot of ponies you do know, as well. Please, it's only for a minute to introduce one another."

There came a pause and a slight sound of hoof-scuffing. "...Okay."

"Splendid!"

With that, Rarity shut the door and brought in Equestria's most timid pegasus and friend to all wildlife, Fluttershy. For a mare who can threaten fully grown dragons and tame bears, she was awfully reserved around other ponies. She slouched and hid behind her mane like the other two were Medusa, and just glimpsing at their horrifying visage would freeze her solid.

A round of greetings went around, and it all hit a speed bump when we got to Shining and Cadance. It was time for me to play my part. "Fluttershy, this is my brother, and the lovely mare next to him is a very important pony who's marrying the aforementioned brother."

Cadance seemed to catch on about Fluttershy's demeanor, so she spoke softer than before. "My name is Cadance, and I'm a princess in training."

Fluttershy relaxed somewhat, indicating a successful placation. "How wonderful to meet you."

Taking his fiancé's example, he introduced himself. "And I'm Shining Armor. I'm Twiley's brother, but I'm also captain of the royal guard."

Strangely, Fluttershy tensed for a moment. "Oh, you're a captain. Congratulations."

"Thanks!"

"Mhm." Fluttershy couldn't look him in the eyes, if only because she was looking into mine, almost hypnotically. "Excuse me, Twilight, but could we talk in private for a moment?"

Oh come on! What did I do this time? "Er, sure."

"Huh, your friends want to talk to you an awful lot." Shining noted.

"Yeah, I noticed." I remarked dryly.

Just as we were about to step into the other room, Pinkie called out to me. "When's it going to be my turn?"

"Next time for sure!" I quickly shut the door behind us.

For the second time that day, I warded the door for silence and faced Fluttershy. She at least had the distinction of being the only pony who wasn't angry with me. Not that this didn't make me any less nervous, but we're making progress.

I let out a big breath, and prepared for the worst. "So, what's on your mind?"

Fluttershy tapped her hooves together as if contemplating what to say. "Um, so your brother..."

"Yeah...?"

"He's a guard."

"Uh huh..."

"And your brother."

My patience was being tested vigorously. "That too, yes."

"Um... are you close?"

"About as close as a five year separation can make us, I suppose."

Fluttershy sighed with relief. "Okay, so you haven't really said anything about me?"

"You're not trying to tell me you like him, are you?"

Fluttershy flashed red with embarrassment. "Oh, no! I'm not really interested in him! I mean, he seems nice, and he's your brother and all, but he's not really my type of stallion."

"Oh, so what's the big deal?"

She tapped her hooves again. "Um... you remember when the Crusaders slept over at my house?"

Ah, I think I knew where this was going. "Oh, you're worried that I might have let your secret loose, aren't you?"

She nodded. "If you wouldn't mind, please keep that a secret. At the very least, try not to talk about it."

I put a hoof over my heart. "You have my word, I'll not let him know of anything."

Fluttershy's confidence returned a big smile to her face. "Thank you, Twilight."

"No problem."

We left the kitchen and returned to the larger group. I guess we didn't really interrupt a conversation in progress this time, which was always nice. Rarity was wearing fashionable white and gold-trimmed saddlebags, though. She must've been getting ready to leave.

"Is everything alright?" She asked.

"Yeah, it's just that all these private conversations are making me a little batty." I said with a half-shrug. Fluttershy, to her credit, just glared at me.

"How batty are we talking?" Pinkie asked from her seat.

"We're getting up there."

"So what you're saying is that you have some room for one more?"

Pinkie's narrowing stare unsettled my nerves. Thankfully, I had an easy out. "So, Rarity, I see you have your saddlebags. Going somewhere?"

Rarity glanced at her saddlebags under the sudden change in topic and shift in focus. "Oh, yes. I was just getting ready for the spa." Rarity brought back her award-winning smile and turned to Cadance. "Would you like to join us, Cadance?"

Cadance brightened at the suggestion. "I'd love to come with you!"

I glanced at Shining Armor, then to Spike. It seemed that they both recognized they would be left behind, and shrunk at the idea. Still, I didn't want to deprive the girls of their bonding time. An easy solution came to mind. "Great, so while all you girls go to the spa, I'll go with Shining and Spike back to the library."

"Ooh, and we could all go out to lunch together!" Rarity happily suggested.

"That sounds great! We can meet back at the library!" Spike added.

"Maybe we could get the others to come with us?" I asked.

"Your other friends? I'd like to meet them." Said Shining.

"Great, so while the four of you go to the spa, we'll be touring Ponyville while we invite Rainbow and Applejack."

"Nuh uh, I'm coming with you!" Pinkie declared with a pointed hoof. "I'm not letting you out of my sight, Sparkle!"

"I wonder what she's going to stare at." Cadance tittered.

Crap, and here I thought I could get some distance while I formulated an excuse or something. Oh well, there's something to be said about dying young. "Alright, then."

"A spa day for three, then. I can hardly wait!" Rarity grinned excitedly.

"Sure, but I don't suppose you could wait a few minutes? I don't have any bits on me." Cadance asked.

"Nonsense, darling, I can pay for the three of us." Rarity waved her hoof dismissively.

"Oh, but I really should at least cover the cost for myself."

"I insist, dear, you should let me cover the charge."

"Isn't it only right when I'm just joining an established tradition? I should cover for myself."

"It's no trouble for me. Really, I'd like to pay for you."

"But-"

Before this argument got too much farther, I jumped in with a little advice. "Cadance, just do what I do: accept her generous offer, then slip some bits into her bag when she's not looking."

That wasn't as helpful as I thought it would be. In addition to Cadance giving me a confused look, Rarity wasn't very happy at the revelation. "Hold on a minute, is that where those extra bits were coming from? Twilight!"

I recoiled and teleported to the door. "Hey, this isn't about me! Leave me out of it!"

Rarity huffed. "Cadance, dear, please don't follow her advice."

Cadance was baffled at the exchange. "Um, okay."

With the matter of who was paying settled, we all left the Boutique and separated in two groups. While Rarity, Fluttershy and Cadance went to the spa, me, Pinkie, Spike and Shining began the walk home. It was still early enough in the morning that Ponyville was still setting up for the day.

Shining sighed in contentment at peaceful town surrounding us. "I like the life you've made for yourselves."

Well, not so much made as it was stolen, but whatever. "Thanks, I wouldn't trade this in for anything."

Shining chuckled. "Yeah, I can see why. It sounds like you've made a lot of friends here."

"Between Pinkie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow, Applejack, Minuette, Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine, Lyra, Moondancer, Bulk, Blossomforth, Zecora, and Spike? Yeah, I guess that's a lot of friends for me."

Shining chuckled. “There was a time we all thought you’d be stuck in your tower reading all day, every day. You’ve really come a long way.”

Crap, were we having a moment?

“You have so many friends, now. You’re more sure of yourself and you stand taller. Heck, it’s almost like you’re a different pony!”

Spike and I both had to hold back a wince at that. The poor guy didn’t realize how close to the truth that was.

“And with the way both you and Spike act together, it’s almost like you’re brothers rather than brother and sister.”

I shared another glance with Spike. Shining was this close to figuring it all out.

Speaking of the stallion, he stepped closer to me and wrapped a foreleg around me. “I’m really proud of you, Twilight.”

Huh, can't say anyone's ever been proud of me. "Why? I'm not that great, am I?"

Shining just chuckled kindly. "Of course you are! You're the best little sister a stallion could ask for."

I huffed in dismay. That was awfully nice of him to say, but I could hardly consider myself great. It's not like I do anything useful around here. But then again, it's not like Shining Armor was referring to me.

Pinkie hopped next to me and eager joined the hug. "Not to mention best friend!"

Gee, thanks for the reminder. As if it wasn't bad enough that I had a "brother" who was inproportionately proud of me, I also had a bunch of friends to do the same.

"Yeah!" Shining ruffled my hair affectionately. "You've been doing well for yourself, Twiley. You really are special!"

Not really, I'm not.

Eventually, they noticed I wasn't smiling from their praise, not even bashfully. Shining was the first one to bring it up. "Are you okay, Twiley? You seem upset."

"Yeah, I'm fine." I answered easier than I should have.

"Really?" Pinkie asked. "I mean, you aren't Zecora sad, but you haven't been this sad since I dragged you to my basement."

Shining gaped at that implication. "Uh, what?"

I was about to explain what happened myself, but somepony above us joined the conversation unexpectedly. "Hey, egghead! Pinks!" We looked up to find the pony in question hovering in place on blue wings.

"Uh, Shining Armor, that would be Rainbow Dash." I introduced numbly.

Rainbow landed expertly before us, already posing arrogantly. "The one and only." She looked Shining up and down. "Do I know you?"

"I'm Twiley's older brother. And you're the one that taught Twilight to swear casually?" He asked.

This confused Rainbow. "Huh? Twilight was swearing at everything since she got here."

Shining eyed me critically. "Really?"

I sighed with my head in my hoof. "I just didn't want you to know."

"Uh huh."

I sighed with exasperation. "Any way, seeing how this morning is going, I imagine you'll want to speak with me in private about something?"

Pinkie tapped me on the shoulder. Curiously, she hoofed over a small sheet of paper. I scanned the paper, and gulped. It was a crayon drawing of a pie.

Now sweating bullets, I hoped beyond hope that she didn't.

Rainbow looked like she wanted to say something about the exchange, but thought better of it. "Er, not really."

"Not even if I told you he is a guard captain?"

"Oh yeah? Good for him."

I sighed with relief at the close call. Dying wouldn't have turned out well for me.

"I was just coming over to see if you wanted to hang out, but you look like you'll be busy."

"Actually," I halted her. "We were going to see if you all wanted to have lunch with us."

Rainbow's interest kept her from flying off. "Really? Who's paying?"

"If history is anything to go by, it's probably Rarity."

"Sweet!" She hopped into the air. "The diner, right?"

"Yeah, we'll be around by noon."

"Awesome! I'll go get AJ!"

With that, Rainbow sped into the distance with only her prismatic contrail to signal her departure. I sighed with relief, seeing as how that encounter could have gone a lot worse. Looking back at the others, all sans Pinkie were even concerned by my relief.

I shrugged with an unconvincing smile and they let it go. Conversation was sparse after that. We continued the rest of our trek in relative silence before we got to the front door.

My magic flashed across the door and pushed it open. "Welcome back to the homestead."

Everyone stepped inside, but my eyes immediately fell upon the cups we set out earlier, still partially filled with tea and water. With a huff of annoyance, another flash of magic teleported the dishes into the sink, clattering ceramic sounding from the kitchen. Pleased, I flicked my hoof to close the door.

The door hit an obstruction, which upon further inspection, was somepony's beige hoof. The pony in question pushed the door open and scowled at me. "I saw you taking the captain in here, Twiliclone!"

It was Bon Bon, of course. Great, now I had to deal with her.

I sighed and looked back into the room. "Hey, big brother! The secret agent is here for you!"

"Huh? Secret agent?" He came up next to me and examined the new arrival. Immediately, his face registered recognition. "Oh, uh, have we met before?"

I rolled my eyes. "Convincing. Look, can we drop the act? Bon Bon here is a spy or something, and she wants to talk to you about how I'm evil."

The mare in question stepped back nervously, while my older brother raised an eyebrow. "You know about Sweetie Drops? Wait, why does she think you're evil?"

Bon Bon, who I guess was really Sweetie Drops, cleared her throat to get our attention. "Um, captain, can we have a word?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah." He walked just past the doorway, where the both of them stepped to the side. "Okay, maybe you could start by telling me how my sister found out about Equestria's spy network?"

Bon Bon gulped nervously.

I would have listened to them talk a little more, but I felt I needed a bit of space from that stuff. I shut the door and huffed a little. "And there goes the greatest brother who ever lived."

"Are you okay, Twilight?" Spike asked behind me.

"Eh, I guess." I said without commitment. "It's just a little sad seeing what I've been missing out on all these years."

"What do you mean?"

I shook my head at the door. "Man, did you see Shining Armor? What a guy. He's proud of his sister, and I don't deserve it. He's captain of the royal guard, getting married to a princess, and having exotic vacations all over the place. That's far better than what I've got going for me."

Pinkie's voice cut through me. "What about your friends? Aren't you proud of us?"

I stared shocked at her. "Well, yeah, I'm very proud of my friends. It's just," I looked off to the side. "I don't know how I got so lucky. Five great friends just seemed to come out of nowhere. I really appreciate everypony's continued tolerance of me, but I don't know how you can all associate with me."

Even by normal standards, Pinkie was more reserved than usual. Almost quietly, she prodded for more. "Why do you say that?"

I sat on the floor, shaking my head in consternation. "I'm just not that great. Certainly not 'guard captain' great. I'm just a sub-standard pony who's fortunate."

I stood up suddenly, pacing and ranting about whatever came to mind. "What's so great about me, huh? I fly into town, and on day fucking one I have a bunch of ponies wanting to be my friend, having a massive party and celebrating a holiday of great repute. Somehow, some fucking way, me and a special group of ponies crawl through a nightmare forest and save the world without my input, and now everyone looks at me like I was somehow helpful. Then, those ponies and I go on to have a strong and lasting relationship that sees us through one disaster after another!"

I slammed my hoof on a table, lingering and gesticulating in anger at something I couldn't name. "Oh, but then it turns out it's not just them! Then the sovereigns of the realm come by and each tell me that they care! They act as if being there when rainbows come to life somehow makes me uniquely qualified for being considered a decent pony! First Celestia comes around being all concerned about me for some reason, and then Luna acts as if I'm somepony worth knowing. I somehow have the hearts and minds of the princesses, and I didn't do shit to get it!"

Scraping my hoof along the table, I threw my hoof to an irritating point at the door. "And now there's that guy! Perfect loving brother and prince-to-be! How could I possibly compare to that guy? He's just too incredible! With him being proud and shit, I don't know what to do with myself. What next? Is God Himself going to introduce himself before me and tell me how I'm worthy of the divine?"

I threw up my hooves with demanding exasperation. "Well what have I been doing right? Why does everyone have to care about me?"

The room was still after my outburst. I huffed and puffed, recovering my breath from the yelling. Spike and Pinkie stared wide-eyed at what must have been a confession on my part.

After a few moments of silence, I steadied myself. "Sorry about that. I shouldn't have yelled like that."

Spike, being all concerned and shit, broke the silence. "Wow, I don't even know what to say about that. Are you sure you're okay?"

I waved a hoof dismissively. "Yeah, don't worry about it."

"I think this is why Pinkie thinks you're sad all that time." Spike remarked.

"I get it." I huffed.

"And I think you need help."

"Oh, don't give me that." I groused. "I can handle things just fine on my own."

"You don't seem fine to me."

I crossed my hooves irritably. "I'll be fine. You don't need to concern yourself over my petty little feelings. Lord knows I barely pay them any attention."

Spike hummed with barely suppressed concern. "Well, if you're sure. I still think you need someone to talk to about this."

"Eh, I've managed just fine until now." I said, effectively shutting down his arguments.

We shared a nod, agreeing to drop it for the time being. We had other things to worry about, after all. There was the situation with Shining Armor and Cadance, the upcoming turmoil at lunch, and of course I still had to worry about...

Shit. Pinkie.

I couldn't help but to smile at her nervously, figuring I knew what was coming up. "Anyway, I'm sorry to keep putting off our private chat. What was it you wanted to discuss?"

Pinkie was still standing motionless. It was hard to tell with her, but she seemed less bouncy than usual. I could have sworn her coat was a shade darker, too. This didn't make me feel any better about our upcoming conversation.

"Uh, Pinkie?" I tried to pry.

She didn't say anything in response, only walking up to me slowly. I wanted to back away from her, but I held myself in place. Whatever she was going to do, I was sure I could take it.

To my credit, I knew I could handle her hugs. She grabbed me and held me close, catching me entirely by surprise. "It's okay, Twilight. I understand."

"Whuh?" Was the only intelligible response I could come up with.

Pinkie nuzzled into me, speaking softly with compassion. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. I'm here for you, now."

I groaned. "Can we not do this? I don't need hugs to get through my life."

Pinkie only tightened her grip, speaking in a happier tone this time. "I only want to hug you more, now!"

Now I was really confused. Wasn't Pinkie angry with me a while ago? Why was she so "murder" one moment and "free hugs" the next? I couldn't really answer that, and it was bugging me. I settled with stroking her mane as I waited for her to let go.

Eventually, she pulled back and smiled optimistically into my eyes. "Feeling better?"

"I guess?"

She nodded in satisfaction, caring for little else than me feeling better.

At least until she hopped in place with renewed energy and a smile that I recognized as what was distinctly hers. "Hey, since I met your cool older sibling, how would you like to meet my cool older sibling?"

She was inviting me to meet her family? How fast this girl was to forgive. "Sure, I guess. When should we do that?"

"Great!" She bounced her mane, which popped out two tickets. She caught them deftly in the hook of her mane like she just caught a fish. "Let's get going!"

Pinkie trotted right past me, grabbing my tail in her mouth. She didn't even stop; she just kept trotting forward and dragged me behind her.

I fell to my belly, not even fighting against her. "Oh, we're going now? Alright then..."

Pinkie dragged me through the doorway, which Shining Armor had just opened to go back inside. Instead, he stepped out of Pinkie's way and watch perplexed as Pinkie kidnapped me without a struggle. Spike stepped out to watch alongside him, doing little more than him to stop us from leaving.

I called out to Spike one last time before we got too far. "I'm going on a trip, apparently! You're in charge, Spike! I know you know where five of my stashes are! Feel free to take anything that isn't booze!"

I didn't get a response. Nopony, not even the other Ponyville residents said anything against Pinkie dragging me through town like freshly caught game. I had no idea where Pinkie was taking me after the train station, but I guess it had nothing to do with my imminent death. Thus ended the first time I met Shining and Cadance: with my prompt abduction.

Author's Note

I wasn't dead.

Only waiting.

Someone Else's Family

The train rattled along the tracks at its typical high speed, barreling through the wilderness with very few ponies in tow. There were only a few who needed to take this route, as there were many others that were far more convenient to reach the more traveled destinations. If it weren't for those few exceptions and the staff, the train ride would have been eerie and lonesome.

Not that such an atmosphere would have affected me overly much. Pinkie and I easily snagged a side room that wasn't going to see much use otherwise, and being in the same enclosed space as her was a nice diversion from the empty cars.

I sat across from Pinkie, merely watching bemused at her antics. She had her face up near the window, looking down the train's path like a dog on a car ride. I couldn't quite explain why, but I found this to be endlessly amusing to see.

Things were like this for the past couple of hours. I've noticed a pattern that emerged during all that time: first, I would chuckle and shake my head at Pinkie's behavior, just admiring the silliness and appreciating what I was seeing. Then came the second part of the cycle, where my wandering, appreciative eyes trailed along her form to eventually reach her rear end, where she wagged her tail happily.

I then turned my gaze away when I lingered too long. It was to my own embarrassed admission that I came to appreciate the... finer points of pony anatomy. It was great, really. As if my life wasn't hard enough, I now felt sexual attraction to the other ponies, and I couldn't act upon it while I was still with borrowed virginity.

Then, in an effort not to think about the implications of my wandering, perverted eyes, I thought back to how Pinkie behaved a few hours ago.

I found it odd that Pinkie would just drop her anger at me that quickly. What was it exactly that made her forgive me so easily? Was it something I said? Why would that matter? She caught me in a persistent lie, so she would have been well within her rights to badger me with questions. She didn't, though. She just forgave me out of nowhere, presumably because she cared. Why? Just because we were friends didn't give me a free pass to abuse her trust like I did. Well, was currently doing. She didn't seem to care about that.

And that hug. I've always liked Pinkie's hugs, but that one felt more emotional than all the others combined. It felt more welcome. Needed. It was like she dispelled a burgeoning coldness spreading through my chest.

All that line of thinking did for me was to confuse me further. It felt like my emotions were all out of whack when I reached that point, and I only felt more helpless than ever.

But when I looked back to Pinkie Pie, still staring out the window, I relaxed and chuckled at Pinkie's behavior again. Her smile just put me at ease.

I had to stop this. If only to prevent my brain from oozing out of my skull, a change was needed. "So Pinkie, what's your sister like?"

My words brought her out of her canine activity, where she plopped down in her chair with her smile hardly changing a bit. "She's the greatest older sister in the history of older sisters! You'd love her! She's the sweetest, most thoughtful, most expressive pony in all of Equestria!"

"She sounds nice. I can't wait to meet her."

"It's not just her!" Pinkie gazed lovingly into the air, mentally picturing the rest of her family. "There's my sisters Limestone and Marble Pie, who are just the most lovable ponies I know! There's my mom, who makes the best soup ever, and I can't forget my dad! He's so supportive!"

"Huh. It sounds like we're about to see your family." I noted.

Pinkie nodded. "Mhm. They all live on the family rock farm."

"Ah yes, the rock farm." I still couldn't believe such a thing existed. "So is this an Apple Family kind of deal, or what's going on?"

"Oh, we've had that grey old farm for generations. It belongs to my parents, who got it from their parents, who got it from their parents, who got it from their parents..."

She dragged on for, like, twenty-three generations before she finally reached the end of her spiel.

"...Who got it from their best friend's cousin! So yeah, we have a lot of history!"

"Er, fascinating."

"Not really!" She cheered.

I nodded along, at least somewhat glad that she agreed.

A few moments later, a puff of green fire swirled before me, condensing into a scroll that fell to the floor. "Hey, looks like Spike sent me a letter." I levitated it up to me and opened it.

"What's it say?" Pinkie asked, hopping into the seat next to me, leaning against me with her head propped on my shoulder.

I didn't say anything, but I held it up for both of us to read.

Twilight,

We just got back from hanging out with the others. They're kind of disappointed that you and Pinkie ran off like you did, but they're fine with it. Especially since I mentioned Pinkie foalnapped you.

I'm more concerned about Shining Armor, though. He's spent the whole time since you left asking weird questions. Cadance is trying to get him to have some fun, but he's more interested in hearing more about how you've been acting lately.

When you get back, be careful.

By the way, when are you coming back?

-Spike

"Aw, sounds like somepony cares about you!" Pinkie cooed, nuzzling closer into me.

Yeah, wasn't that great.

We rode the train for a few minutes longer before we made our stop in Rockville. Yes, as creative as the name "Ponyville" was, I think they topped themselves with this one. Every building in town looked like a rejected background piece from the Flintstones, with rocks and stones being the chief building material used here. Even the signs were just slabs of rocks with images carved out of them.

The place was real quiet, too. The ponies marching around town barely looked in our direction. They weren't smiling or really chatting, or anything. Hell, all the colors here were muted, and it wasn't the late hour that did it. This place was freakin' dismal. No wonder why a pony as cheerful as Pinkie moved away.

Pinkie hopped along cheerfully despite the depressing atmosphere, leading me to the opposite side of town. It only got more depressing when the landscape somehow became more barren. Rocks spanned the horizon in heaps beyond comprehension. Only dead trees broke the monotony of rocks and barren earth, and that was no consolation whatsoever.

My companion didn't seem to mind. If anything, she was only getting more excited, each hop marked with a tremble at the apex. In my mind, I figured we would find an oasis or something, some kind of lush paradise with vivid greens and bright rainbows shining over waterfalls. There could be no other explanation of why Pinkie was so excited for our destination.

Pinkie suddenly stopped in front of me, spinning her head about like a periscope. Suddenly, she locked onto a figure to the side of our path and crouched low. She crept behind a pile of rocks and spied her quarry facing away from us. Naturally, I did no such thing, merely following her out in the open.

We stopped around twenty feet away. A dark grey mare was idly stacking rocks like all the others, not aware of the two behind her. I glanced at Pinkie to see what she was doing, and I figured I knew what.

Pinkie wiggled her rump in the air, and pounced with a great horizontal leap that nopony else could match. "Surprise!"

She landed right on top of the poor pony, startling her and smooshing her prone. "Agh! Dang it, Pinkie!"

"Surprise! I came back!"

"I know!" She shot back.

I kept my distance from this. The other pony seemed pretty angry, and I didn't wanna get caught up in it. So I hung back and watched as things continued.

Pinkie got off the other mare and scooped her up for a big hug. "Oh, it's so good to see you again!"

The other pony laughed, seemingly dropping her anger. "Okay okay, it's good to see you, too." Pinkie set her back down, so she could turn and face her sister properly. "It's been too long."

"I know, right? And I didn't come alone!" Pinkie zoomed right next to me, startling me, and zoomed right back to her sister with me in tow. "This here is Twilight Sparkle, and she's best pony!"

"That's uh... debatable." I said.

"Hee hee! So modest!" Finishing her giggles, Pinkie hopped next to her sister and wrapped a foreleg around her. "And this is Limestone Pie! She's the oldest of my sisters, and she's great with logistics!"

"Cool." I held out a hoof to shake. "It's good to meet you, Limestone."

Limestone was not nearly as pleased to meet me as I was of her. She glared hard into me, narrowing her eyes dangerously and said, "Don't touch Holder's Boulder."

"Oh, uh... ah." My head craned around to look for whatever boulder she was talking about. "Which one's that?"

"The big one." She replied testily.

I found the big one in the distance. Was there a story on why is looked like an egg? "Somehow, I think I can manage that."

"Good, so leave it alone!"

I returned her glare bemusedly. "Fine, I will."

"Then do it!"

"I will, what else do you want from me?"

We held each other's gazes for a short while. Limestone finally relaxed somewhat and nodded in satisfaction. "Alright, good talk."

Wait, did we just bond?

Pinkie squealed and pulled us all together for a group hug. "My sister and my best friend are getting along!"

Limestone growled a bit at the forceful embrace, but I was considerably less upset. I lightly shook my head in amusement at the whole situation. Pinkie was certainly enjoying herself, so I guess I was doing alright.

She dropped her loving grip on us, which Limestone took as her opportunity to spring back in anger. Pinkie didn't notice or possibly care, and hopped off in a direction. "Come on, Star! We're going to see my parents!"

I shrugged at Limestone. "See ya around."

"Yeah." She replied distantly.

While Limestone got back to stacking rocks for no discernible reason, Pinkie led me away to that lush paradise I figured would be somewhere around here.

It turns out there was no such place around here. Our destination all this time was a forgettable farmhouse in the middle of nowhere interesting with little more than a silo to mark it as any different than anything else in this depressing town. It made me wonder how Pinkie could have possibly became the chipper, happy mare she was today when growing up around such dismally stimulating surroundings. I thought that maybe her parents would be wild party animals like her, since that was all I could think of.

It was time to find out, for we stopped in front of the door. Pinkie knocked melodically on the door, crafting a glorious composition with only her hooves. Before Grammy awards could be tossed her way, the pony on the other side rudely interrupted her work by casually opening the door. The mare beyond the doorway was a perpetually weary and stone-faced ashen mare with her mane tied into an old-fashioned bun.

"Mom!" Pinkie rushed forward, startling the mare with a sudden hug.

"Pinkie, thou hast returned. Such a surprise." She had a ghost of a smile, in that no such thing existed. Still, the modicum of excitement in her voice could be faintly heard, it just didn't externalize properly.

"Yep! And I brought a fantastic friend!" Pinkie stood next to me and elbowed me lightly. "Say hi!"

"Hey, I'm Twilight Sparkle. It's nice to meet you..." I greeted leadingly.

"Cloudy Quartz, wife of Igneous Rock Pie and mother of Maud, Limestone, Pinkamena, and Marble Pie."

I nodded at the greeting. "That's great. I-"

Pinkie hopped forward, manically smiling and spinning her tail like a rotary blade. "I'll go find dad!"

She bounded once, clearing the doorway, and bounded once more to the side and into an adjacent room. Neither of us said anything about Pinkie's erratic behavior. I suppose we all were used to it.

"Thou art Pinkamena's friend from Ponyville." Cloudy clarified.

"That's correct."

She said nothing further. We both stood there staring at each other in silence. It was awkward, but neither of us made a move to end it.

Pinkie came back, pushing another pony into my field of view. This stallion was an earthen brown pony with really long, grey sideburns trailing down past his hat. I'm not sure what kind of hat you would call it. Amish hat? American Gothic hat? He had a collar, no shirt to go with it, and a boring grey tie down over his chest.

His gaze, a constantly stern glare, bore into me as if a father were assessing a child. "So thou art the pony Pinkamena brought."

Oh my God, everypony here was some shade of dull. I meant no offense to the Pie family, but comparing them to Pinkie was like comparing apples and oranges. I saw no resemblance. "And I guess you are Pinkie's father?"

"Truly. I am Igneous Rock Pie, son of Feldspar Granite Pie."

"I'm Twilight Sparkle, student of Princess Celestia and little else of import."

Pinkie hopped right past us, halting our conversation just long enough to watch her hopping off in a random direction.

"You are the student of our fair princess?"

"Yeah, though it really just boils down to me doing whatever she tells me to and learning some cheesy moral lesson she thinks is important."

"You should be proud of the honor." Cloudy stated matter-of-factly.

"I guess I am. I'm really more glad of the fringe benefits, though."

"What kind of benefits hold thine interest?" Igneous asked curiously.

"Well, I get to meet ponies like your daughter."

He pursed his lips together in consideration. Cloudy, too, regarded my words carefully. With the way they were acting, it was as if they had doubts about me.

Doubts that they didn't get to voice before Pinkie pushed another pony to my side. She dug her hooves into the ground, violet eyes dilated in abject terror for me. This second grey mare clearly didn't want to meet me, but her wild sister held her in place.

"Say hi, Marble!" She pushed.

The frightened pony said nothing, but she managed to circle around Pinkie and hide behind her.

"Huh, this seems familiar." I noted dryly.

"Oh, don't be too upset! She's not scared of you!"

Another set of tremulous bout of shivers proved her wrong.

"I'll take your word for it. Regardless, I'm Twilight Sparkle and I won't do anything to hurt you or anyone associated with Pinkie Pie."

"M-mhm."

What was that? Was Marble trying to say something, or was that it?

"Sounds like progress to me! Who wants snacks?" Pinkie jubilantly ignored her.

Were we ignoring Marble now?

"It hast been too long since we've partaken in thy confections." Was Igneous's bland reply.

Okay, we were ignoring Marble.

"It is nearly time for supper. Marble, please retrieve thy sister from the fields." Cloudy ordered, going back inside to finish preparing the meal.

Everypony broke off then. Marble scampered off into the fields, clearly glad to avoid another moment around me, while Igneous and Pinkie went inside. I glanced back at the retreating Marble, noting how she broke into a sprint a ways off, and shook my head. With little else to do, I found myself following Pinkie down a gray, lifeless hallway leading to the dining room.

A large wooden table dominated the room, holding its dominance in the very center. There were no chairs. No tablecloth. No salt. No pepper. No assortment of candy or any other kind of decoration. The rest of the room wasn't quite as barren, but no less dull. Monochrome pictures of foliage and hills adorned the walls in less than breathtaking beauty, and cabinets sat against the walls for hopefully festive reasons.

Pinkie took her spot at the table, trotting in place before smiling at me. Only her eyes communicated a message to me, presumably asking me why I wasn't moving to stand at the table with her. What she didn't understand was that I didn't want to stand during dinner time.

Magic flowed through my horn, lavender energy filling the room with light. Pinkie could barely voice her fascination with my spellcraft before it flashed, adding tasteful wooden chairs to the room's decor. Pinkie looked around at the new additions, not quite sure how to react. She raised an inquisitive brow my way, to which I just shrugged. I took the seat next to her, and she sat in her chair after a shrug of her own.

The rest of the family piled in themselves, everypony stopping in the doorway to curiously examine the chairs of my creation. Unused to the presence of chairs in their dining room, they wordlessly asked Pinkie what the deal was with their eyes. Pinkie shrugged my way. I gestured invitingly to the table.

They sat hesitantly at the table, watching each other all the while to make sure nopony fell or felt an electric shock, or something. Marble was especially hesitant, tapping the seat experimentally a few times without moving to sit. She did eventually, but mostly because the others already did so.

I rolled my eyes at the whole ordeal. Surely they couldn't be so old fashioned and traditionalist that chairs were objects of fascination.

The whole family, plus one, sat in silence. I looked around at the room's occupants, expecting conversation or something. Everypony was still, except for Pinkie bobbing in her chair with a big smile.

"So, uh, what do you all do around here?" I prodded, trying to fill the silence.

"I run the farm." Limestone replied curtly.

"I cook and clean." Cloudy said.

Igneous barely looked at me in response. "I push the rocks."

Marble whimpered.

I slumped in my chair. This was impossible.

Pinkie didn't agree with my assessment, however. "This is great! The best family in the whole world getting along with the best pony in the whole world!"

I'm not sure I'd say that. Not that I had the opportunity to, since we heard the front door open. This prompted an excited gasp from Pinkie, jumping from her chair. "That's her!" She rushed out of the room without further explanation.

"Who?" I asked.

"Maud."

Limestone's answer brought to mind the last sister I had yet to meet. I couldn't see how Pinkie was related to these ponies, but maybe this last one would be different. Unlike the others, she would be more like Pinkie; bouncy and excited, rambling and appearing without reason. She would be full of life and leave me speechless.

Pinkie stepped into view. "Twilight Sparkle, prepare to meet the greatest older sister who isn't Limestone. The one, the only Maud Pie!" She stepped away from the doorway and her final sister stepped forward.

My expectations were completely wrong. Maud Pie turned out to be another grey mare with a dull expression. Like, really dull. Her face was completely impassive. Everything about her was bland. Neither her flat purple mane or her dull blue frock was set to impress.

I was stunned by her appearance, but still did my best to make a good impression. "Uh, hey. It's nice to meet you."

"Hi."

I smiled and nodded. Nothing here was as I expected. Pinkie's entire family was some variation of bland or inconsiderate. Their home was devoid of color and nothing around here could even charitably be considered fun. By all reckoning, nothing that left this place should have held more than a passing interest.

But we have Pinkie Pie, defying all the odds. She left Rockville like a rocket, leaving an unforgettable impact upon the lives of those she meets. She was a mare of unparalleled vibrancy and joy. It was as if the entire universe set aside its procedures to let this ray of sunshine through and make the world a happier place.

I caught myself staring at Pinkie Pie all of a sudden. She noticed, too, and lidded her eyes playfully at me. I smiled sheepishly and turned back to the rest of the family.

Maud walked to the spot I presume she usually sits at dinner time, so I popped up a chair for her. She looked at me with that stony gaze that betrayed nothing. I motioned to the chair, but she didn't budge. I motioned harder, and still nothing. In a last bid to get her to move, I waved my hooves over my head and threw them at the chair. Finally, she elected to take a seat.

Cloudy Quartz set the table with boring food items. Each pony had a small brown loaf of bread and a bowl of water I could only call a mud puddle with rocks in it. This wasn't what I would call a meal. Maybe an especially miserable side dish, but not much of a main course. And there was a whole big pot of stew on the table, just in case I couldn't get enough liquid misery.

"So, uh, do we eat the rocks, or are they just flavoring?" I couldn't help but ask.

Everypony, sans Pinkie, looked at me like I was an idiot.

I sighed. "Never mind."

I took the spoon and scooped up a rock, brown water dripping out and rippling the remaining soup. This rock wasn't giving me anything to look forward to. There was no way to tell if it was flavored or anything. Was it softened? Is it even edible? I took a breath to calm and reassure myself, offered a silent prayer, and took a bite.

Absolute fucking agony. It literally tasted like mud. Worst of all was the rock, which was just an ordinary rock. My jaw was somehow able to crunch it apart without my teeth shattering. Each chew was done with a grimace of pain and disgust.

Everypony watched me eating, oddly. Their judging gazes unnerved me for the entire bowl, after which I suppressed my urge to vomit.

While I breathed heavier from the experience, Limestone elected to ask me a question. "So what do you think?"

I evened my breathing and looked directly in her eyes. "It was the worst thing I've ever had to eat, and my life is infinitely shorter for having done that to myself. In other words, may I have some more?"

Unfelt tension left the room. Cloudy Quartz smiled for the first time I've seen and happily refilled my bowl. Everypony finally joined the meal, eating their nasty soup for themselves. They didn't seem to mind the taste.

"How didst thou meet our daughter?" Igneous asked, starting actual mealtime conversation.

Ah yes, my first day in Equestria. I remembered it well, and very fondly. "Well, I first arrived in Ponyville for the Summer Sun Celebration. Pinkie was the first pony I ever met. I greeted her, and she gasped loudly, running away. She broke into my house later that day."

Pinkie pouted in protest. "I was throwing you a party!"

"Yeah, but you broke into my house to do it."

She waved a hoof dismissively. "Aw, it's not like you were using it, yet."

"And that's why I'm not angry about it."

"Really?" Pinkie leaned in as to emphasize her point. "Are you sure it wasn't because of your cute new party-throwing friend?"

"Well... I guess."

Pinkie's family shared looks with each other. While I wondered why, Pinkie herself smiled at the half-compliment with a squee and shoved her face in the bowl before her.

"Dost thou get along well?" Cloudy asked.

"Yeah. I mean, she can be a hoof-full at first, but she's real sweet when you get used to her."

"You got used to her?" Limestone asked incredulously.

"Yeah, she's not the incomprehensible enigma that ponies think she is. She's not really any stranger than your average pony."

Pinkie's head shot out of the bowl, screams muffled by a rock too large for her mouth and two smaller rocks plugging up her nostrils. Reaching around her flailing hooves, I smacked her in the back of the head calmly, popping the rocks out of her face holes.

"Thank you!" She shoved her face back in the bowl.

Igneous wiped his mouth with a handkerchief or some other such cloth, eying the two of us closely. "It is good that you get along. Very well, one might say."

"One would, yeah."

He hummed thoughtfully, but I could only imagine why.

"So..." I began nervously. "Maud, I noticed that you were a bit later than everypony else. Were you in a distant part of the field?"

"I was at school."

"Oh, cool. What're you learning?"

"Rocks."

My interest died a little early. "Rocks, huh. You mean like the rock cycle and stuff?"

Er, I'll have to be honest with you right here. I'm going to skip over about five minutes of what Maud said. It was a lot of talk about "strata this" and "sediment layer that". It went right over my head. If you're really interested in rocks, go crack open a geology textbook.

So she concludes. "- And our next assignment will be about mountain formations, which we learned..."

"Right, tectonic shift, or whatever." I interrupted. "Listen, do you like board games?"

She blinked blankly. "Not really."

"Ah, roleplaying games?"

"No."

Oh come on! What kind of college student doesn't like roleplaying? Sorry, she's a "rock college student". Same difference. "Card games?"

"No."

"Books?"

"Yes."

A smile crept onto my face at the prospect of progress. "Cool, what kind of books?"

"Poems."

"You like poetry? I guess that's pretty neat."

"Mmm."

I frowned instantly. Could you blame me? I thought she would elaborate.

Limestone was kind enough to keep the silence last long enough for it to get awkward, so she waved a spoon at me accusingly. "What about you? What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a librarian, mostly. I spend most of my time surrounded by books."

"What do you mean by 'mostly'?" She pressed.

"I go outside." I answered by way of deadpan.

"You sound suspicious. Right, Marble?"

Right next to Limestone, Marble jumped at the attention she got and nodded uncertainly. She continued to sip at her soup quietly.

We ate in silence for a bit longer. I lost my appetite by the third bowl, but these other ponies just kept trucking for a few bowls longer. Finally, Pinkie suggested something that could revive my shriveling stomach. "Hey, how about we have some muffins? I know you all love my muffins!"

"Yeah we do!" I cheered.

"Great!" She declared without input from the others. "I'll go make some now! Besides, I have a Pinkie Feeling that everypony wants to talk to you!"

I watched her hop out of the room, bewildered. Just like she said, her family crowded around me with hateful glares. I leaned away from them and pondered what I could have possibly done to anger them this time.

Igneous slammed his hooves on the table. "State thine intentions with our daughter!"

"What?"

"What have you been doing with her? I bet something deviant!" Limestone pressed firmly against my skull.

"I don't know what you ponies are talking about. The absolute worst thing that happened between us was when she tied me up in her basement."

Cloudy gasped dramatically. "W-w-what? So soon?"

"Does she taste like cotton candy?" Maud asked sedately. We all faced her oddly. All she could say to explain was, "She probably tastes like cotton candy."

"What the heck is wrong with you ponies? You act like there's something going on between me and Pinkie!"

Everypony shared a look. "Isn't there?"

"No." I roundly denied. "We have a perfectly normal friendship. She makes me laugh, and she likes me for some reason. That's it."

"Now, when you say she 'likes' you..." Limestone began.

"Friends." I answered more harshly. "You make it sound like we're-" Now realizing what was happening, I grasped at the sudden ache in my chest. "Ah, jeez! How could you think that? Why would Pinkie ever look at me like that? Just because Pinkie is a little hyperactive doesn't mean she's fucking crazy!"

"What dost thou..."

I held up a hoof to interrupt Igneous. "I'm going to stop you right there. Pinkie is a great mare. She may be easy enough to amuse, but even she has her standards. She doesn't think of me that way. End of discussion."

Pinkie popped her head into the room. "Hay, is the bestest family ever getting along with the bestest girlfriend ever?"

In sudden contrast to the earlier tone, I smiled and waved like nothing happened. "We're all good here!"

"Great! Try not to mope too much out there!" She disappeared once again.

"See? She thinks I'm depressing! There's no way she thinks of me as anything other than a friend."

They looked awkward all of a sudden. They clearly wanted to say something, but they knew they couldn't refute my logic. A depressing silence fell over the dining room for the next minute and a half until Pinkie came back with dessert, plopping it all on the table. "What'd I miss?"

"Not much. Your family is just crazier than you, is all."

Pinkie giggled. "Silly Twiley, nopony's crazier than me!"

"Mhm." I took a bite of the muffin, which was deliciously peanut butter flavored. "Now this is good food. You've really outdone yourself."

She smiled warmly at my compliment. "Thank you."

It was getting late in the night by this point. The sky was already dark and Luna's moon gently gazed upon the earth below. Meanwhile, I was losing my fifth consecutive game of checkers against Limestone. We played the game with rocks as the pieces; grey for her, darker grey for me. This mare was really kicking my ass.

I hovered my hoof over my last remaining rock, looking for any way I could move forward without losing it. I could certainly move it to the left and last one turn longer, but it would still get creamed by her king-ed rock, which we drew a crown on. I was going to lose. With no other option, I had to forfeit.

My horn lit up in frustration and set all the rocks on fire.

Slightly shocked, Limestone stared at the flames dancing upon the rocks. "The rocks are on fire."

"I know."

"Rocks shouldn't be flammable."

"I'm well aware."

The rest of the family stared in silent terror, not sure if the flaming rocks would spread to the rest of the floor. Moments later, the flames died out and they breathed a sigh of relief.

Limestone's smugness was belittled only by my impotent rage. "You suck at this game, Twilight."

"Screw you, Limerock."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"I will fucking grab your face, and peel you like an orange!"

Our bickering didn't go much further, as Cloudy glanced at the clock. "Oh my, where hast the time flown? We must sleep for tomorrow morn."

Distracted as I was with my recent defeats, Pinkie was the one to voice my concern. "So where will Twilight sleep? Can she sleep in my room?"

Igneous looked between the two of us, likely remembering the conversation we had earlier. "Hmm, I suppose so."

"Yay!" Pinkie squeezed me at the triumphant news. "This will be so great! Me and the brightest star in the galaxy sleeping in the same room! I'm so excited! We can braid each others manes, share spooky stories, snuggle-"

I vaguely caught on that last one. "Wait, wha-"

"-ooooor... other things." She waggled her eyebrows at me.

Newly alarmed, Igneous pushed the two of us apart. "Twilight shall sleep in another room!"

I tried to say my piece. "What the hell-"

"Oh c'mon!" Pinkie whined. "What's the big deal?"

"I was not born last century, young'un!" Igneous argued.

"But I don't want Twiley to sleep on the couch!"

"She has no choice!"

I still tried to butt in. "I have plenty of choices, actually."

Pinkie and her dad continued as if I had no input. "It's not like I'd do anything to her."

"I know better than that, and I will not allow such bestial behavior in this house!"

I interrupted more insistingly, this time. "You know what? I'll just sleep outside. I can summon my own bed and walls, so I don't have to deal with all this."

This killed the argument, but Pinkie was still upset. "Aw, don't be like that! You shouldn't have to leave the house because of us!"

"No no, I insist. I'm used to my own bed, anyway, and I can't just switch to a couch on a whim."

"But why do you have to go outside?"

Limestone scoffed. "Maybe she needs to shed her skin like a snake because she's really a bug monster."

This irked me. "You got something to say, Limestone?"

"Bug. Monster."

I grit my teeth at the insult. "You know what, I've had enough of your crap!"

"Really? You seemed into it a few minutes ago."

"Well, I'm pissed off."

She stepped forward in a challenging manner. "Say it to my face."

I stepped right up to her and shoved my face into hers. "You piss me off."

We held our ground against each other, neither willing to back off. Our rage clashed in a deafening haze that silenced our spectators. We held until one would lose face.

Not changing her expression one bit, Limestone leaned back and tilted her held as if in appraisal. "My room. Now."

Before I could ask what she meant, Igneous screamed. "NO!" He shoved us apart with great urgency, facing me with some kind of desperation. "YOU SLEEP OUTSIDE!"

I fell back out of confusion at the sudden turn of events. My mind caught up eventually, so I stepped back to the front door. "Alright, goodnight, everypony."

I entered the darkness of the night with the house closed behind me. I muttered about their insanity and got to work on my temporary room. Light from my horn illuminated my workspace, lavender energy replacing the cold blackness. Stone walls erected from the rocky earth. A solid pane of rock floated to the top of the makeshift walls, and another pulse of energy sealed it all together. A beam of purple cut out a rectangular opening, and a flash created hinges for a door.

My magic pulled the door open easily enough, so I stepped inside and summoned a small orb of light. For the next couple of minutes, that orb would hover above like a lamp. A bigger flash of light brought my bed inside. I couldn't resist a smile, seeing what my power could accomplish. It wouldn't be too much longer until much bigger, flashier things would become trivial for me.

The door to my stone cabin opened behind me, granting access to Pinkie Pie coming in to check on me. "Hay, Twilight."

"Pinkie." I greeted sedately.

"So how did you like my family? Pretty cool, huh?"

I shrugged. "I guess. Limestone's kind of infuriating, and I don't know what to make of Maud, but I suppose your family is... welcoming. So why are you out here?"

She grinned slyly. "My parents think I'm saying good night. Really, I just couldn't stand thinking you were sleeping alone."

"I don't see why, considering I do it all the time."

"You have Spike to keep you company, and that's usually enough. He's not here, so it falls on me."

"Uh, okay. If you want to sleep in here, I can't really stop you. Need me to summon an extra bed for you, or can you smuggle something out?"

Pinkie mock shivered at the chill in the air. "Actually, it's kind of chilly! How about we share your bed?"

"No, it's alright, I can summon a radiator. Let me just..." I lit my horn, bringing to my mind the exact sequences I needed to summon the needed item.

Without warning, Pinkie flicked my horn. I gasped and held my horn at the sharp pain, the spell lost in my mind. I stared at her, seeing if she would elaborate on her actions, but she just smiled at me like nothing happened.

I sighed. "Alright, I guess we're sharing the bed."

"Okie doki loki!" She hopped right in my bed, shimmying under the covers to find the best spot to sleep with me. Her smile in my direction beckoned for me, inviting me to share the space.

I hesitated, but only for a moment. Unless I wanted to sleep in the house after all, I had little choice but to sleep in the same bed as a pony whose ass I earlier stared at. I resolved myself in the end, and shifted beside her.

We laid in the bed side by side, awkwardly, if you asked me. My gaze bore into the ceiling as the light faded away, leaving two friends under the covers in the bed of a house that wasn't really a house in the middle of nowhere in the dark. What could I say about this predicament? I've never slept with anyone before, and I never thought I would. I was unprepared for this situation, and it made me feel too nervous to relax.

Pinkie shifted her position and pressed right up into me, hooves wrapped around my barrel and a satisfied sigh leaving her nose. This did little to ease my nerves.

What was I supposed to do here? I held a hoof over hers, wondering if I was making the right decision. My hoof softly pressed into hers, and she made no move against it. I lifted my other leg to wrap around her, holding the two of us together. She nuzzled closer with her head in the crook of my neck, so I must have been doing it right.

We held still for a while after that. A pleasant warmth spread through the covers that chilly night, making me comfortable despite everything. Even having a pony pressed so firmly against me was welcoming. It felt nice. My heavy eyes closed of their own accord, and I easily relaxed into a peaceful rest.

It felt cold in my room. Light seeped in through the cracks of the door and had an uncomfortable draft, but the most noticeable detail was the thing that was missing. I turned to look beside me, but nopony was there. I was alone.

I sat up groggily. The previous night was the most comfortable I've been in a long time. It astounded me what the addition of a pony could do. Despite the frosty air, it was as warm as a rock lying in the sun. After the day I had before, I couldn't ask for a better way to end it. I was sorely tempted to thank Pinkie for comforting me, but she seemed to have ditched me. It's a shame, I wanted to see her once more but now she's...

Fuck, it's cold! I wrapped myself in the blanket as tight as I could. Jesus, why does Autumn have to be cold? Can't it be warm all the time? Now I didn't want to get up. I'd have to brave the perilous chill of the great outdoors (or cast a cold resistance ward).

I whined silently. The day just barely started and I wasn't too happy about it. But why was I so upset that Pinkie wasn't here? That goes for a lot of days, but it bothered me most this time. I wondered why.

Then Pinkie slammed the door open, shocking me from my wistful thinking. "Wakey wakey, Twiley!"

"P-Pinkie?"

She trotted merrily to my side and ripped me from the bed to squeeze me in a hug that would shatter lesser ponies. "Good morning, sleepy head! Our train doesn't arrive until the afternoon, so we still have the whole day to enjoy ourselves!"

Despite being forcefully subjected to the cold, Pinkie's forceful affection kept me warm. It was an odd feeling, and I couldn't help but wonder why I felt that way.

She dropped me back on the mattress and skipped to the door. "I'm cooking breakfast, so you'd better hurry up and get some while it's hot!"

She left the door open, light shining in blinding fashion to mark her exit. But I was focused more on my senses, and particularly why I suddenly felt cold, again. There was a distinct pattern, I was sure. I felt warm and comfy when Pinkie was here, then she left and I felt cold because of the morning chill, then Pinkie came by and made me warm again...

I was coming to a conclusion, but I didn't like it. I refused to acknowledge it, but it kept invading my thoughts like a bothersome fly. I couldn't avoid it. I couldn't deny how I felt, what she made me feel.

This only sent the chill deeper down my spine. I curled up beneath the covers, reluctant to face the day with shivering not born of cold. I wanted to cry at the injustice of it all.

I had feelings for Pinkie Pie.

That Thing About Bad Decisions

I trudged into the dining room, unkempt and miserable. My hooves pounded against wooden floor boards with dull thuds that echoed mournfully. It was with a sullen, swaying gait that I strode into the room and sat heavily in a chair I conjured moments before I fell. My gaze bore ahead thousands of yards beyond the walls that enclosed me.

The Pie family stared at me, unsure and unwilling to ask what shot my mood. After all, I was at least animated the day before, and my demeanor this time was far too dour to excuse as morning grogginess.

Pinkie was absent for the moment, likely to make breakfast for everypony. It was nice of her to cook, even though she was still just a guest at the time. She's a nice pony.

Cloudy Quartz ventured a common question to probe my response. "Didst thou... sleep well?"

"Ab-so-lutely." I answered slowly with a heavy nod.

They all shared looks, but said nothing. Not much to say.

Igneous tried next. "Didst thou perform an act of regret?"

I slowly looked at him and pursed my lips. "I regret lots of things I've done. Last night wasn't one of them."

"So you're still a virgin?" Limestone asked tactlessly.

I glared wide eyed at that. "I'll deflower you with a pine cone."

She actually chuckled at that.

The entrance suddenly burst into bright activity as the premier pink pony bounced into the room possibly the happiest I've ever seen her. She twirled and hummed with great vigor, telling the whole world and anyone in earshot how wonderful she felt. Precariously balanced on her back were many plates of indeterminate brown food stuffs and a single empty bowl. With one twist of her body, each plate launched onto the table before her family, surprising nopony. She then pranced to my side and gently placed the bowl in front of me.

She got real close to me, smiling all the while. "I have something special for you."

My eyes rolled to her direction, wide with a glare of both fear and anticipation. She chuckled at my reaction and disappeared in a puff of smoke. She reappeared moments later with a small cardboard box and a bottle of milk. She poured both items' contents into the bowl and pat my shoulder, lingering her hoof for just a few moments longer than I felt comfortable.

I stared into my bowl wordlessly. Colorful rocks floated and swirled around the bowl, a fireworks display of sugary delight that falsely promised a balanced breakfast. They were tiny rocks. Fruity Pebbles.

I laughed.

I stood at the sink, gently washing the dishes. I volunteered to do it, pushing through any and all objections to the contrary. It was good to get my mind in a routine. I was feeling better. There was some conversation a few rooms away I couldn't quite hear. They couldn't have been discussing anything too dramatic.

"Why are you doing the dishes?"

I turned to see Maud Pie standing in the doorway. "I don't mind doing a few chores."

"You don't mind hiding things, either."

I shrugged, continuing with my cleaning. "I'm a free-thinker."

"You can't hide from her forever."

I smiled daringly at her. "Ten bits says I can."

Her face was still, but I assume there was a building tension. The last of the dishes stacked on the rack to dry, concluding the work I could get away with doing. It served its purpose, though. Maud motioned me to follow her, presumably to show me something or talk.

I followed her to the living room, finding all but Pinkie just about to walk outside. Pinkie herself smiled over at us. "Hay, you two wanna come down to the swimming hole? It has rocks!"

"Fascinating," I deadpanned. "But I'm more concerned about getting wet before boarding a train."

"You have magic for that."

"Drying off with magic isn't as easy as wringing a wet cloth, you know."

"Then use a towel!"

"I always miss a spot."

Pinkie smirked about something. "I won't miss a spot if I'm drying you."

Maud intervened on this conversation of ours. "I was hoping to take Twilight into town with me on an errand. It would give us a chance to talk."

"Everypony wants to talk to me." I muttered.

"Cool! Whatcha gonna talk about?" Pinkie asked.

"Sex."

My chest felt like it burst open. Meanwhile, Marble squeaked and nearly everypony else gaped. Limestone was the only one genuinely upset about it. "Hey, I wanted to be the one talking to her about that!"

Pinkie stomped next to Limestone angrily. "I'm not gonna let you do that, Limestone!"

"Why? It's not like there's anything stopping me!"

"It's not your place!"

"I do what I want!"

Things got a lot more complicated when Pinkie lunged on Limestone with a feral shriek. They were a tangle of flailing limbs and PG swear words as they tumbled over a couch and out of eyesight. Nothing too unusual for these two, apparently, as the parents nonchalantly walked around and made half-assed attempts at separating them.

Even Maud was calm about it, merely turning to me and saying "Now, while they're distracted."

So we hurried outside, where I silently asked what that was about. I never got a straight answer. We then slowed our pace along the long dirt path going back to town, apparently so Maud could talk about "sex". This was going to be a long walk.

We trekked halfway to Rockville and she still didn't say anything. The wait alone was killing me. "So weren't we gonna be talking, or something?"

"Yes, so start talking."

Was this her monotone way of interrogation? "You mean about last night?"

"Yes."

I groaned. "Nothing happened. We just slept in the same bed. At her insistence."

Maud said nothing, so I elected to fill more silence. "Look, it doesn't mean anything. Pinkie probably just wanted to cheer me up. After all, she's under the impression I'm sad about something. I'm not, really."

I looked over at my conversational partner, but I took her continued silence as my cue to keep talking. "Really. I'm not. I just had a bad day. Not that I have any problems with your family, but I was high on stress at the time, and I kept getting mixed signals, and I feel like an outsider again, so I'm just reacting."

We passed a bend in the road, where I was regretting my implicit agreement to this conversation by coming along. "Pinkie doesn't even like me that way. We became friends, somehow, so she feels like it's her job to cheer me up. I get it; I've been trying pretty hard to hold onto my friends for as long as I can, but that doesn't mean that Pinkie is harboring some twisted crush on me."

I growled, while Maud refused to react. "What do you want from me? Do you want a confession of my misdeeds? Because I'm a major asshole. You want me to say that I'm not good enough for her? I already knew that!"

"What?"

"I get that she's a great pony. Pinkie is so great, she could hop on up to Canterlot, ask Princess Celestia out, and she'd end up having a royal threesome with Luna! I can't compare to that! I can barely hold onto a small group of friends! I swear that one of them hates my lying ass, and the others just tolerate me because I was a useless tag-a-long for a two-hour hiking trip in the woods! What good am I?"

"Um..."

"Pinkie should be with somepony that can stand beside her, not hold her back. If I asked her out, she'd just say 'yes', and she'd be great, but she'd never really be happy with me. Really, the fact that I'm not sticking around for long is peanuts compared to that. It's totally inconceivable that she'd ever return my feelings, so I'm going to just not talk about it. Hopefully I'll get over it, and she'll never know and feel obligated to do something. She'll find somepony and they'll be totally happy."

Maud was as impassive as before. I glared hard into her, just daring her to say something.

She paced silently beside me, carefully considering her next move. Her face betrayed no emotion or mental activity, but the sum of her effort made itself known. "I'm sure you've noticed her fascination with whipped cream."

I'll admit, she caught me off guard. "Okay..."

"All you need to do is sneak into her room and cover yourself with the whipped cream. She'll take care of the rest."

I gave that scenario a bit of thought, and it was very tempting, but I shook my head with a scoff. "You're impossible."

It was tiny, but the slight upward curve of her lips spoke volumes. "And you're too easy."

A Painful Reunion

We were finally back in Ponyville. Pinkie stood close by me as we walked sedately on the approach to the library, where no doubt Spike was waiting for us with his belly distended from having too many gems. I was just glad that I could put the past couple of days behind me soon. After the couple of days I had, I could go for some R&R. Maybe take a day to go for a walk around town, or shop for something nice. Perhaps a sleepy day where Spike and I played some games. It would've been nice.

Until then, however, it was still mid-afternoon and the two of us fresh off the train still hadn't gotten to our respective places of residence. The library was on the way to Sugarcube Corner, so it was likely we would part ways there. Indeed, we found ourselves at the doorstep to the building and prepared to do exactly that.

"Home sweet home." I said to nopony in particular.

"Yeah, I have to get back to the Cakes. They're not too happy with how often I've been goofing off!" Pinkie rolled her eyes.

"You should probably work extra hard for their sake." I suggested.

Pinkie giggled at the thought. "You're silly, Star. I always work super duper extra hard!"

"Just not very often?"

She giggled some more. "I'm too busy trying to cheer up sad ponies. I can't help that it takes up a lot of time!"

Pinkie drew me into a hug, smiling and whispering gently. "You know you can talk to us. You don't have to bottle up your problems."

"I'll take that into account." I wouldn't, but I didn't tell her that when I gave her a good little squeeze.

We parted, and she eventually left to see to her employers. Pinkie was just so understanding and nice, even though she didn't know what my problems were (and they were legion, believe me). I smiled and opened the door, shooting one last look in her parting direction before turning back to the here and now of that day.

It was there I saw Shining Armor staring up at me from a conversation he was having with Spike. Crap, I forgot about that guy. Looks like my troubles weren't over just yet.

"I'm back." I announced calmly.

Spike broke off from the conversation to check on me. "Welcome back! So what was that all about?"

I shrugged. "I guess she just wanted me to meet the family. They were pretty nice, though."

This satisfied Spike. A quick look around the room couldn't reveal Cadence. "So, where's Cadence?"

"In the restroom, probably."

"Ah." Then I saw Shining, and I knew my day was going south. He had a look of unknown intent, but it was certainly less than friendly. If I had to guess, he was about to...

"Hey, Twilight," He began. "I'm glad you're back, but could I have a word with you?"

Yup, there it is. Everypony wants to talk to me. Something told me that this conversation would be the least pleasant of them all. "Fine, because everyone else had a chance. Why not?"

Spike made a face at me, as if to silently tell me to be careful. My head tilted in affirmation, and I left the room to have that most important of talks that I never wanted in the first place.

Shining locked the door behind us, so I sighed at the drama of it all. "So what'd I do this time?"

Shining didn't look at me, only turning his head slightly in my direction. "I thought you were acting different."

"I believe you meant to say 'differently'. It's a common mistake."

He glared at me for my ill-timed correction. It couldn't help it, sarcasm was how I dealt with my anxiety!

"You think you're so smart, don't you?"

"Well, I live in a library..."

He growled a bit. I wasn't helping my case. "We've noticed your errors. You've done well so far, but your act ends here."

I elected to play dumb, though I knew well enough where this was going. "What act? I wasn't aware I joined a troupe."

"Don't play dumb, impostor! I know what you are."

"A wandering minstrel, then?"

He grabbed my shoulders and slammed me against the fridge. A decanter we had up there for some reason rattled in place. "Where's my sister?"

The body slamming didn't do all that much to me, oddly. It barely even hurt, so I was still in top-form cluelessness. "Uh, hello, Shining. I'm Twilight Sparkle, the pony everypony says is your sister."

He pulled me back and slammed me even harder. It hurt just as little, only now the decanter fell down and shattered against the floor. "I know you aren't! You're just some spy trying to take over Equestria!"

"Spies don't lead revolutions, Shining. That's just retarded."

Displaying impressive strength, he lifted me over his head, suplexing me through the kitchen table. This actually hurt a little. I arched my back to alleviate the pain, but Shining was upon me a moment later. He pinned me down with one hoof and slammed the other by my head. "Tell me what I want to know."

I said the first thing that came to mind, though it wasn't a good idea, in hindsight. "I'm not telling you how to plow your girlfriend."

His nostrils flared at the insult. As he pulled back a hoof, no doubt to punch me right in the face, I braced myself for the weak-ass pain that only Shining Armor, captain of the garden patch brigade, could hope to inflict.

The door rattled. We both froze solid at the small sound. Our gazes slowly shifted to the door, awaiting whatever came next. Instead of untold horror, it was the lovely voice of Cadence sounding very worried. "Shiny? Twiley? We heard glass shattering, are you okay in there? Why's the door locked?"

Shining visibly attempted to say something, but his mouth couldn't form any words. I'm going to guess that he didn't tell his wife-to-be about what he was planning, and now he was stuck having to either explain what he was doing, or try fruitlessly to hide what appeared to be him beating his sister.

He would have been in a no-win scenario if it weren't for my much faster mind. "Yeah, you don't wanna open that door! We got a gremlin!"

"A gremlin?" She asked through the muffling door.

"Yeah, you know, the fuzzy things you aren't supposed to feed after midnight?"

"I don't know what those are."

"Yeah, well, it got to one of my stashes in here and it went feral. We're trying to catch it." I lit my horn, levitating a plate off the far counter. "Hey, brother, watch out for the..." I dropped the plate on the floor, shattering it while I held a hoof over my mouth to make a screeching noise. "Fuck! There goes the good china. Sorry Cadence, we have to focus on this thing. It's immune to magic, you know how it is."

"It's immune to magic?"

"Listen, we don't have time for you to question every little detail about what we're doing in here. If you could have less curiosity and more blind faith, that'd be appreciated."

There was a short pause, and Shining thought for sure she wouldn't buy it. He perspired greatly, dripping sweat on my chest. As much as that disgusted me, I couldn't summon the courage to voice my concern.

"Okay, be careful!"

We each let out a relieved breath. She bought it.

"Why'd you do that?" He asked.

I shrugged against the floor. "You looked like you were in a bad position. I figured I'd help you out."

"Maybe you just wanted to keep Cadence from coming in and learning about you."

"Or I could have let her in and cried about big brother being mean to me and throw you to the curb."

He knew I was right. There was no easy way to convince her that hitting me a whole lot was a good thing. I essentially saved his ass. Not bad for a monster, huh? So he stepped off me and helped me up, seeing as how I'm not such a bad girl.

"Well, thanks for keeping this between us."

"It's fine. You're not the only one to have an extreme reaction to my change in behavior."

"Oh yeah, I asked Spike about all that. He tattled on you, didn't he?"

"Heh, he certainly did. The princess made a personal visit. That was fun."

"How'd you convince the princess, anyway?"

I smiled slyly. "What do you mean? I'm just being true to myself."

"Was that a hint?"

"No, that's it."

Shining shook his head at that. Perhaps he thought something more should have happened. "Okay, so on that note, could you at least tell me where the real Twilight is?"

"I am the real Twilight." I insisted. I had this funny feeling that telling him outright about myself would be a disaster. My thinking was that as long as I didn't admit it to my detractors, my secret wouldn't find it's way to Celestia in the worst way possible, so I had to play dumb. This would bite me in the ass pretty hard in about a month's time, but we'll get to that.

As for Shining's reaction, he was both disappointed and upset. Not surprising, really. "Cut the act, already. We both know you're not really Twilight." That much was true.

"I'm not even going to ask what makes you think that." I said in an exasperated manner. Probably something to do with that conversation with Bon Bon, not that I'd ever learn.

"Come on, you're way too different to be her. Just come right out with it!"

My next trick was fake sarcasm. "You're right, Shiney. I'm actually a frog. Better stop me before I reach the nearest pond!"

"That's uncalled for! I just want to know where my sister is!"

"Right here, dingus!"

"I'm not that stupid!"

"Then why are we still having this conversation?"

"To find the real Twilight!"

"Why's this so hard for you to understand!?"

"AARRGGGHH!"

Shining blew a gasket. And by "blew a gasket", I mean he bucked me in a fit of rage. The force of his kick blasted me into the kitchen door, which slammed open upon impact. I tumbled for a little bit, at least until I rolled up to Cadence's hooves. I stared at the ceiling, generally trying to remain calm and not do something I'd regret, while the love-ly princess shifted her attention between me and the now busted door.

She was understandably shocked at the sudden change, but did an admirable job at remaining calm. "I'm starting to think there's no gremlin."

I groaned softly at the remark. "Glad to see you're catching on, princess."

I sat up in time for Shining to step out of the kitchen looking like he was caught with his hooves in the cookie jar. Spike was about ready to hop in and stop things if they went too far, though they likely already had. All in all, a good bit a chaos to welcome me home.

"Excuse me, Cadence." I just had to stir the pot a bit more, because I just love making things worse for myself. I addressed Shining Armor. "You hit like a girl."

As expected, the jab bruised his sensibilities. I felt a little bit better.

"Don't tell me; he thinks the thing, right?" Spike asked almost rhetorically. I mean, it was kinda obvious at this point.

"Yeah, he thinks the thing."

"What thing?" Cadence asked.

"The thing where I'm not really Twilight Sparkle because I lost interest in books and being quiet and not being a raucous dick. So, you know, ignoring the last couple of years he wasn't watching me."

Cadence actually seemed shocked at the answer. I had no idea why, considering she must have noticed something weird about me as well.

Shining was startled by this development, and felt the need to defend himself. "W-wait! Let me explain! Twilight's behavior is totally different!"

The love-y dovey princess, to her credit, wasn't as broken up about all this as I expected. "What do you mean? We haven't seen her in years!"

He visibly gathered his thoughts. "A-alright, look, this is something I learned from a trusted source."

At Cadance's confused reaction, I answered for him. "He's talking about some deep-cover secret agent that lives in Ponyville. She's been spying on me for the past couple of weeks and she somehow thinks I'm an alien, or something."

"Yeah, and she found evidence."

That took me aback. "What kind of evidence?"

"There was a list of tasks with the topmost goal being to find Twilight."

My mind wracked itself searching for a reminder of that list. It hit me: Crap! That list I wrote when I first got here! It detailed my plans for finding the real Twilight Sparkle and how to accomplish each step! I forgot about that thing, seeing how little I needed it these days.

"So you have this list, then?" I asked reservedly.

Oddly, he got a little nervous. "Uh, actually, it was destroyed in a fire."

I deadpanned. "Seriously?"

Shining turned to the side, avoiding our gaze with embarrassment. "There was an accident when procuring the evidence, the details of which she left vague. But, assuming that note was true, it explains everything that changed."

What I was going to say next was a bit of a low blow, but I figured it was my best bet. "So you're just assuming this mysterious note you've never seen that was conveniently destroyed is completely correct about me being a space alien? And you trust this baseless claim enough to kick your sister's ass for answers to a question you can't even verify?"

He seemingly shrunk at the accusation, but was hardly deterred. "Hey, I'll have you know that Sweetie Drops is completely reliable! Her info saved Equestria numerous times!"

"Well, thanks for leaking your agent's real name to me, dipshit. And here I always thought her name was Bon Bon." Even though Shining grit his teeth at his slip, I pressed on harder. "Disregarding that, she doesn't even have the proof of her claim! For all you know, she could have it out for me because I banged her boyfriend and decided to use her position to hurt me."

"Her claim isn't without merit!" He declared, futilely sticking to his guns. "That explains everything about your change in behavior! Your anger, the lies, the violence, and even your own willingness to abandon Spike to go on some ill-conceived adventure with your marefriend! And when was Twilight ever gay? She's only ever been interested in colts! The only explanation is that you aren't Twilight at all!"

I was getting angrier with these accusations. How dare he say that I abandoned Spike! "I am Twilight, you moron! Just because I trust Spike and let my inhibitions loose doesn't make me a monster!"

"You have to be a monster to replace my little sister! How much do you think you took from her, huh? Surely she must be scared, wherever she is! How can I stand by and let you sabotage her entire life! She could be with her friends and family right now, but she can't because you did something to her!"

I was more than on my back foot at this point. My teeth ground together in a way that should have made sparks. What could I have said at that? He knew what I was doing was wrong, and so did I.

He stepped closer to me, towering over my lowered form. His challenging refused to cease, boring into me further. "I want my sister back. She deserves better that what you did to her. So give her back, monster, or I'll send you to Tartarus right now!"

This was exactly what I feared would happen if someone caught me. This ultimatum promised my death either way. If I relented, my soul would be torn from this body and shunted God knows where. I'd likely end up in Hell, with no hope of salvation. On the other hand, I could resist and disappear, becoming an enemy of the state. I didn't like my chances against the princesses, much less the army at their backs. I wasn't prepared to survive on my own out there, no matter how powerful I was. I'd risk getting caught and imprisoned before they tore out my soul like option one!

I only had one option left: convince somepony here that I was really Twilight. "I am Twilight." I argued weakly.

"No you're not. The way you've handled this interrogation alone is proof enough."

"How can I possibly defend myself against you? You've been attacking me this whole time whenever I gave you an answer you didn't like."

"Because you're lying."

"How do you know I'm lying?"

"Because I know Twilight."

"You know me well enough to doubt I'd ever change from my days as a filly?"

Shining paused, but was undeterred. "You don't know about Twilight's past, do you?"

Crap, I knew where he was going with this. He must have remembered that he could look into his own past with his sister and catch me in a lie. I needed a way out, and fast. There had to be some way for me to dodge the question.

Shining smirked at his imminent victory. "Alright, impostor, if you really are Twilight, then what were the nicknames we had for each other?"

That's it? Nicknames? Kind of a lame test, if you ask me. Then again, it was doing its job at stumping me. I had no logical way of countering this. I was never told about this nickname business, so I was stuck. What could I do?

Logic was useless, in this instance. If logic failed, then maybe emotion would save the day. So I did what any criminal would do to get away: play the victim.

I put on the face of an emotionally distraught mare and let the emotions I was building this whole conversation rise to the surface. "You attack me in my own home, destroy my furniture and break the kitchen door, calling me out in front of my family just so you can demand to know our nicknames?" My throat seized up a little and my voice cracked. I was doing too good a job. "How can you be so cruel to your own sister? How can I ever trust you again? Even if I answer this question, how can I know you won't come up with some excuse for why I'm wrong, like you've done so many times already?"

I took a deep breath and shut my eyes tightly for my final blow, yelling with as much hurt in my voice as I could muster. "If you were just too ashamed of me as your sister, you should have ignored me like you have for the last five years!"

My horn flared to life and flashed me through space. I opened my blurry eyes to find myself in my room, facing the door. Magic filled me once again, transforming me into my preferred human form, and again to cover myself with a black cloak.

I kept my eyes locked on the door, awaiting the possibility that my ploy failed. My magic flowed through my hands, summoning three balls of light, ready for me to throw one after another at whoever opened the door. At any moment, Shining could bust down the door to fight me. I had to be ready, just in case.

Shining Armor heard the flashes of magic upstairs betraying the location of the impostor. "What a load of horsefeathers!" He exclaimed.

It was so obvious, now. Twilight was way too volatile to be genuine, and she ducked the last question. She could have just answered the question to throw off suspicion if she knew the answer. He conclusively showed this impostor's true colors!

Victoriously, Shining turned to his fiancée to maybe say something about finding Twilight or how everything would be alright, now. His sense of victory escaped him adeptly the moment he saw Cadence's stern frown. He couldn't shake the feeling that he just did something wrong.

"Shining Armor," She began, much to his chagrin. Nothing good came from her using his full name. "We have a lot to talk about when we get home. We're leaving right now."

"What? But what about Twilight?"

"I'm going up there to calm her down. You are going outside to wait for me."

"But that's just an impostor!"

Shining's defiance died the moment Cadence's glare hardened. "Don't remind me that it's your mess I'm cleaning. We'll talk about this later."

He wanted to say something in his defense, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. There was little he could do but hang his head in defeat and slip outside.

Cadence could only sigh. "Well, this all could have gone better." She promptly went upstairs to speak with Twilight.

Her hoof knocked on the wood. She silently counted to three, and spoke. "Twilight, are you okay in there?"

Twilight's voice emerged moments later, as if she took a deep breath first. "Uh, yeah! I'm fine!"

"Are you sure? I'm really sorry about Shining Armor..."

"Aw, it's not your fault! I mean, I'm not going to spend too much time around him now that he's gone mental, but you know how it is."

Cadence shrunk down in sorrow. "I just don't know what got into him. I thought he would be happy to see his sister again."

Twilight chuckled uneasily. "Yeah, I'm sure he would be."

The pink princess regained herself, showing determination to the still closed door. "But don't you worry! I'll make sure he apologizes to you next time we visit!"

"Oh, you're leaving?"

Cadence smiled sadly in response. "Yes, we're leaving for Canterlot tonight. I'm going to keep Shining away from you until he's sorry."

"Thank God."

"What was that?"

"I said 'thank you, Cadence'. You're a great friend, and I'm happy to call you a sister."

Cadence's heart swelled at the praise, and a truly happy smile spread on her lips. "Thank you, Twiley. I'll be sure to send you some letters. I can't say much about your brother, but I promise I won't forget you."

"That means a lot to me. Thanks."

Well, nothing for it, then. It was time to go. She first stopped in the guest room to retrieve their possessions and returned to the living room. She spared another look to the stairs, which led to Twilight's room. The poor dear wouldn't even leave her room to wave farewell. She must have been truly devastated.

"So you're leaving?"

Cadance jumped at the voice behind her. She relaxed, however, when she realized it was just Spike. Strange how she just forgot about him. "Yes, we're leaving. I can't keep the two of them in the same house considering that fight they just had."

Spike shook his head ruefully. "Tell me about it. They made a huge mess in the kitchen."

"Oh, were you cleaning in there?"

"Nah, just the glass. I know that ponies can't step on glass like a dragon can."

Cadence chuckled lightly at the dragon's remark. "I sometimes wonder how much easier it is to live with tough scales instead of soft fur."

Spike returned the smile, though a little crooked. "Try having an itch you can't scratch through them."

They stood in silence for a few seconds, as if a little quiet would help them through their muddied thoughts. Cadence broke the silence to offer her assistance. "Do you think Twilight will be alright? I could stay for a while longer if she needs it."

"Nah, I'm sure she'll appreciate the space." He declined thoughtfully. "Twilight's gotten pretty tough lately, so I think she'll hop right up pretty soon. Then again, she's just gonna go back to her books for the rest of the night."

That sure sounds like my Twiley. Cadence thought. Perhaps Twilight didn't change that much after all. "Then I hope you can cheer her up, Spike. If anyone can, it's you."

Spike laughed uncertainly. "Sure, I guess I can do that. Do you need any help carrying your bags?"

Cadence smiled deviously. "That's what Shiney is for."

The two shared a farewell hug, parting on a bittersweet note that soured an otherwise pleasant reunion. Cadence left shortly afterwards, and Spike watched from a window as she led a downcast Shining Armor down the road for their train. It would seem that he was alone with Dusk once more.

Well, that was a close one. Spike was certain that things would have broken down into a brawl near the end, but Dusk found a way to turn things around. If he was honest, Spike was a little scared at how easily Dusk could manipulate others when he really tried. It wasn't the first time it scared him, either. He was just glad that Dusk wasn't one of the bad guys.

Still, this was a major event, and they needed to talk about it. Spike hopped up the stairs to get some perspective on the last half hour. Maybe the day before, as well.

I was laying in bed with my arm over my eyes when I heard the knocking on my door. Whoever knocked this time didn't even wait for a response before entering. It didn't take a genius to figure that it was Spike walking up to the bed.

"Hey."

"Hey." I replied listlessly.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"I guess." I sat up with a groan. "It's been hectic lately."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"If you're offering." I sat on the edge of my bed and faced Spike properly. "Where should I begin?"

"How about when Pinkie foal-napped you? What was that about?"

"I guess she just wanted me to meet her family. They're nice folks, but they have weird ideas about us. Seems like they think Pinkie and I are an item."

"Uh..." Spike looked like the gears in his head were turning. "Well, aren't you?"

I frowned heavily. "There are so many things wrong with that."

"Like what?"

"I'm not getting into it. Suffice to say that Pinkie and I are never getting together. Besides, I'm more concerned about big brother knowing my secret."

"But you did a good job throwing him off, didn't you? Maybe he'll just let it slide?"

I snorted snidely. "What, like you?" Spike looked sheepish, as he realized we've already been through this before. "Yeah, this isn't the last we've heard of Shining Armor."

"How'd you do that, anyway? It looked like he had you cornered, and then you just kind of won."

"Oh, that. It's a pretty simple trick. You'll notice as you're growing up that mares get very emotional about things, but they'll rarely cry. When they start crying, it's because they did something wrong and they're avoiding responsibility."

Spike opened his mouth to say something, but little more than a gasp came out. "W-wha?"

I nodded solemnly. "Yeah, look out for that. It's also a risk when you're dealing with dudes, but only if they're pussies."

"Wait, does that mean you're a pussy?"

"You're on thin ice, fucker."

Spike jumped at the sudden insult. "S-sorry!"

I shrugged and sighed. "It's fine. Look, I'm not sure how relevant this all is in Equestria, but we have more immediate problems."

"Yeah, Shining Armor's probably gonna tell the princess about this."

"Eh." I shrugged off the possibility. "I already went through that with you. I don't think Celestia's gonna go for a second round. I'm more worried about him talking to my parents."

Spike seemed confused. "But how would he talk to your parents? Aren't they on another planet or something?"

My parents were actually dead, but that's not what I meant. "...Twilight's parents."

"...Oh, yeah. If you want, I can tell you about them. I'm sure they're in the photo album so I can point them out."

"Thanks, you're a good friend."

Spike puffed up in pride at the praise. "I am pretty good, aren't I?"

"Practically my brother."

We shared a good-natured laugh, and we almost certainly shared the sentiment. I don't know what I'd do without the kid keeping me in focus like this.

While I'm sure he would have liked basking in the comforting glow brotherly affection a little longer, he figured I needed some support of my own. "Have any problems you wanna talk about? I can help, and I think you need it."

I appreciated the concern, but I was adamant I had to work on this alone. "No, I'm not dealing with anything worse than what I've been through. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yup." I stood from the bed and had a refreshing stretch, feeling better now that I had an unproductive chat with my little brother. "On a more important note, I'm still pretty sure I can kick your ass at Arcane."

I took a moment for Spike to catch onto my meaning, but his emerging smile of ill-intent appeared promptly. "Precedent says otherwise."

The challenge was on, and we could finally put the week behind us. While my mind was on the coming battle of cards, I couldn't shake the feeling that I just unleashed something big, and I had no way of stopping it. Well, it's not like I haven't been through this kind of thing before. If a giant dragon wasn't enough to kill me, or a pack of timberwolves were little more than kindling to me, then I doubted Shining Armor was going to be my match.

As we settled into the living room to play a game or two, the problems of the future seemed so far away. I wasn't worried about the good captain and his inevitable retaliation.

Midnight

Luna trotted into the shared study of the castle, merrily levitating a paper bag behind her. Celestia set her book down, happy to see her sister. It was another lovely day as far as the solar princess was concerned. Ever since her sister's return, life had a shine to it that couldn't fade. The smile on her lips was unmistakably true.

"Luna, I see you're back from the city."

Luna had no inhibitions from showing her excitement, setting the bag on the table between them. "Indeed I am, sister! I have found the most wondrous collection of modern art and literature in the land!"

Celestia recalled Luna's admiration of the fine arts. Perhaps it was from her own inability with the field, but Luna certainly had an eye for the subtleties that bored Celestia to tears. Odd how beautiful the night sky could be, all things considered. "I'm happy to hear that."

Celestia knew what was coming next. Luna was about to pull some small pieces of art from her bag and show them off one by one with a long-winded explanation as to what each one meant. It would be boring, but Celestia would patiently listen to it all, just happy to have her sister around once more.

Once Luna pulled out the first magazine, Celestia realized that the subject matter this time was entirely more embarrassing.

As if unaware of what she held in her magic, Luna beamed with complete admiration of the clearly pornographic cover. "Behold this humble collection of art I'm aware is called 'photography'! Never before have I seen such fine examples of the equine form! Well-kept manes! Their inviting expressions! Every page I've seen contains the epitome of portrait art!"

Celestia sat in stunned silence, not showing a twitch on her features. Debate ran through her mind if she should say or do something. Perhaps she could let her excitable little sister prattle on about something she was both familiar with and entirely clueless about.

On the other hoof, Celestia would rather not sit through Luna's insistent display of ... laundry.

Yes, it was fortunate that she had an easy way out. "That's great! Cadence will be coming home tomorrow, so maybe she would like to discuss this with you?"

Luna seemed pleased at the suggestion, and unaware of the obvious misdirection. "Wonderful idea! She seems like a mare who appreciates the finer points of equine curvature!"

You have no idea. Celestia thought bitterly. While images flashed through her mind of Cadence's wilder years, the solar princess kept a neutral expression that didn't betray the relief she felt at changing the subject. "Yes, she's found herself a wonderful stallion. Remember Shining Armor?"

"Oh, the captain you mentioned going on bodyguard duty. He's with Cadenza?"

"They're actually engaged."

"Good for them. I shall wish them well."

"Yes, Shining is a lucky stallion. You can't find a more loving mare than Cadence. I'm sure they'll do wonderfully."

A guard knocked on the door, and entered with a crisp salute. "Your highness, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Captain Shining Armor have arrived at the castle."

Celestia was surprised, suffice to say. They came back from their vacation earlier than expected. Not that their early arrival was unwelcome, but she briefly wondered why. Perhaps it was just Cadence misreading the calendar or something else minor like that. No cause for concern, in any case.

"I thought you said they wouldn't return until tomorrow?" Luna asked to clarify.

Celestia just smiled at the news without worry. "Yes, it looks like you'll get to wish them well sooner than expected."

Shortly thereafter, Cadence and Shining entered the room, the stallion of the couple looking out of sorts. The pink alicorn was merry, practically gliding inside to hug Celestia. Neither of the senior alicorns missed the difference in their demeanor. They held their tongues for the time being.

The young alicorn pulled out of the hug, all smiles. "I'm back, auntie!"

Celestia returned her smile wholeheartedly. "Welcome back. How was your vacation?"

"Great! We had a lot of fun in Prance."

"Did you take pictures?"

"Lots of them!"

Luna stepped into the conversation, smiling excitedly. "You have pictures? I love pictures! I just purchased a book filled with them!"

Cadence was interested. "You like pictures, aunt Luna? What kind?"

"Behold!" Luna's new favorite magazine flipped towards the pink alicorn in a navy hue. "Portraits of equine perfection!"

Cadence's eyes widened at the offering. Much to Celestia's horror, it wasn't embarrassment or terror. It was enthusiasm. "You like these, too? Want to share?"

"You have more?"

"Absolutely! Wait right here!"

With that, Cadence left the room in a hurry, eager to share her own collection. Shining Armor stared at the far corner of the room, hoping that avoiding eye contact would hide his embarrassment. Celestia shared the poor stallion's pain; Luna was simply giddy. Still, it was up to her to keep the conversation alive.

"So you came back earlier than we thought." Celestia began. "Weren't you going to spend a few days in Ponyville with Twilight?"

Shining's gaze met hers, but he didn't brighten in the slightest. "That was the plan, but Twilight wasn't there."

"I see. Did she leave Ponyville?"

Shining shook his head, exasperation showing clearly. "I don't know who that mare was, but it wasn't Twilight."

Celestia felt a familiar pang of dread, knowing full well what the problem was. "If this is about her changes, then I'm sure she told you all about it."

He scoffed. "Yeah, she's pretty good at deflecting suspicion. I would've fell for it, too, had Sweetie Drops not informed me of her more radical changes."

In an instant, the mood of the room shifted. Everypony here knew who Sweetie Drops was, and anything she said couldn't be ignored. Celestia prepared herself to hear something important. However, she noted that Luna seemed annoyed at the news. Perhaps she just didn't want to hear any neigh-saying about her friend.

"If Sweetie Drops had information on Twilight this whole time, then why didn't she tell me directly beforehoof?" Celestia asked.

"She didn't say, but she insists that she's aware of Twilight's identity."

Her voice dry and unconvinced, Luna questioned the captain. "Is this about her being an 'impostor'?"

Shining didn't show it, but he felt less certain that this conversation would go how he would hope. Nonetheless, he persevered. "She is an impostor. I know my sister."

"And yet this supposed impostor almost fooled you." Luna pointed out.

While she could understand Luna's reluctance to hear or speak ill of her only friend outside the castle, Celestia felt she needed to reinsert herself into the questioning before they could give the captain a fair chance. "I'm afraid Luna is correct. You said it was Agent Drops who ultimately convinced you, yes? Then this isn't your own observation. There's also the small matter that Spike spoke to me of this as well, yet I see nothing objectionable about Twilight or her change in behavior."

"I've known Twilight longer than Spike."

"He lives with her."

He winced, but pressed forward. "There's no way that Twilight could have changed that much in less than a year. She's never been active, yet she's suddenly become a gym freak? That makes no sense. Neither does her anger or how often she drinks. She's never been one to make stashes or stockpile games, either."

"It just sounds like she's taken to expanding her interests since she made friends. This is another topic I've discussed with Spike, yet he no longer seems to suspect Twilight."

"I think he's just gotten used to it. I'm sure if we saw their behavior now when nopony is looking, we'll see just how different she really is."

Luna wasn't impressed or pleased. "You mean to say we should spy on them directly, with Celestia's Scrying?"

"It would prove me right."

Celestia already grew impatient with this argument. Since it meant ending this fast, she summoned a small hoof mirror hovering before the three of them. "I'm only willing to do this one last time because I know Twilight will forgive me when I tell her next time we meet. I'm hoping this will be the last I hear of Twilight being an impostor. Am I clear?"

Shining nodded solemnly. This would be his only chance to have the princess on his side. "I understand."

"Fine then. I too am eager to see Twilight prove her innocence." Luna agreed.

With everypony in agreement, she lit her horn and the mirror's sheen morphed into a one-way view port. Miles away, and shown on their screen, they saw the lavender impostor holding a set of cards before her.

Her face showed a clear mix of anger and fatigue. Multiple times, she moved a hoof towards one of her cards, looked at the table, and thought better of it.

A long half-minute passed before Spike's voice sounded from off the screen, arrogance tinting his tone. "You know, it probably doesn't matter which card you use next."

"Shut it." Twilight shot venomously. In her frustration, she quickly threw down a card and glared hard past the mirror's edge. "There, happy now?"

"Totally!" A card flipped onto the table. "And now my green magic takes over the field, nullifying your black magic. All I have to do now is get my dryads to attack and you'll lose in two turns."

Twilight, doing her best impression of a teapot ready to burst, seethed through her deck, and threw her cards across the room. "This game sucks!"

"Hey, you're the one who wanted to fight me. Don't blame the game for your mistakes." Spike taunted fearlessly.

Twilight's teeth ground together with a force equivalent to plate tectonics. "I'm gonna kill you in your sleep." She took a calming breath and stepped away from the table. "I'm getting a drink."

She pulled a book from a bookshelf and looked behind it. Confused, she pulled out another book, and then another. She levitated the entire row of books, apparently not seeing what should have been there. "Hey Spike, what happened to the stash I kept back here?"

"Shining Armor found it last night. He said something about how I shouldn't be living here where alcohol is within my reach and poured it down the drain."

She spun on her hooves and yelled with shock. "He poured out two liters of rum? That dick! Next time I see him, I'll rip off his head, shove it down his throat hole, and make him shit out his own fucking skull!"

Shining Armor turned to Celestia, asking the obvious question. "You don't honestly think that's Twilight, do you?"

Celestia sighed, knowing that there was no escaping it this time. "No, I don't. The real Twilight wouldn't threaten her own brother like that."

"So we're going to arrest this impostor, right?" Shining asked, hope filling his eyes.

"Not yet." Celestia halted Shining Armor's opposition with a raised hoof. "I know, you want Twilight back. So do I, but we can't be rash about this. This mare is corrupted by dark magic, and any overt action on our part risks great collateral damage."

"But if she's using dark magic, then we need to act fast! Get magic nullifiers and lots of unicorns to surround her before she even knows what's happening!"

"No, Shining Armor, it's too risky. We don't know what we're dealing with. If she could replace Twilight and establish a life in Ponyville, then it's likely that she has allies. It's not just hidden forces we need to worry about, either. We might have to face the possibility of her friends taking her side in any conflict."

"If they side with her over you, then they must be brainwashed. Let's just get them treated in that case."

"Agent Drops has been spying on her for a while, now. If that was the case, we'd already know. It's more likely that the impostor made genuine relationships among the townsponies. Any act of aggression on our part would simply hurt our own standing in the nation."

"Then what are we going to do? We can't do nothing!"

"We have to move in secret. Hide this information from everypony but those involved. Right now, we need to keep everything quiet and only move when every possibility has been covered."

"How about luring her somewhere secluded? We could get Cadence or Spike to take her to a field somewhere, or even in a forest."

"We shouldn't include Cadence unless we have to. Whatever we plan must be kept between the smallest number of ponies possible." Celestia concluded.

"Right, she did take the impostor's side earlier. I don't think we can convince her easily. So we get Spike?"

"No, he's been living with her for months, now. He's the most likely to be compromised ever since the impostor learned from me of his suspicions. We should rely on Sweetie Drops to keep an eye on her before we make any movements."

With that, the two came to a conclusion: wait and see what happens. Surely the scrutiny from their best spy would reveal something they could use. They nodded their confirmation to the plan. Still, Celestia thought there was one more voice they needed. She turned to Luna once more, finding her sister staring blankly between them.

Celestia took a tone of worry for her sister. "Luna, are you alright?"

Luna snapped back into attention. "Huh? Did you say something?"

"I asked if you were alright."

Luna nodded. "Yes, I'm fine. Just thinking."

"Thinking about what we need to do about Twilight?"

Luna nodded again, albeit shakier. "Yes, I think your current plan sounds good. In fact, it sounds like you have it covered. I'll leave you to it." Luna took hasty steps to leave, obviously distressed. She was already outside before Celestia could ask any further.

Celestia frowned, knowing why Luna left so abruptly. "I'm sorry, Shining Armor, but Luna isn't taking this very well. I believe she likes this impostor of ours."

It took all of his willpower to suppress a huff. "We have to deal with that impostor sooner or later. I just hope she can see that."

Celestia felt torn in two directions. She needed to find some way to balance this, neither losing the captain's trust or her sister's. Truthfully, this "wait and see" strategy was the best she could do for now. She needed more information herself if she was going to find some solution for everypony.

And honestly, she liked this impostor as well.

Further deliberation was halted when the door slammed open with an ecstatic Cadence practically floating inside. Copious magazines and books surrounded her in a glowing blue wall of debauchery. She scanned the room, slightly disappointed that she couldn't find Luna anywhere. Her smile ticked back up when she leveled her gaze upon the only ones left. "Well, since aunt Luna isn't here, I guess it's just us!"

Celestia gulped loudly. Shining visibly sweated.

Harsh winds blasted desert ash against my face, buffeting my steady advance up the stone steps. Broken corpses lay behind me as the sole proof of the resistance I faced on my way forward. Sixteen dead men in raiding gear told a gruesome tale, warning the remaining bandits that I wasn't someone to fuck with. Retreating footsteps from cowards was the only companion I had left, though I didn't feel a thing besides burning anger.

I had all the time in the world now that I was here. Beyond the stone doors atop the stairs was my goal. Just one shitbag left to kill, then I'd see her again. It was so close that I felt I could take my time.

Pulling a cloth out of my denim vest's pocket, I wiped some blood splatter off my dull grey shoulder pads to restore a small sense of cleanliness. Fruitless, I figured, but I just had the urge to do so. Besides, if my girl really was in the base, then I wanted to look my best as I killed the son of a bitch who took her. To that end, I wiped my face of sweat and other people's blood and tossed the rag. No need to feel guilty about littering since the bombs dropped and all.

The massive stone doors stood before me, tall and strong, barring my entry. It would normally take a team of twenty men to pull them open, but I didn't bring any friends. I raised my hand to the doors as if to demand they halt, and pushed. Unnatural strength blasted the doors off the frame, toppling the mighty barrier like it was Styrofoam.

I glared within the chamber of columns, and I quickly found what I was looking for. Atop yet more stairs was an ancient throne, crumbling with age and neglect. A powerful man sat on the throne, unimpressed with my entrance and amused that I returned. This gay clown looking bastard had the audacity to wear a cape with a formal suit (a blue suit, no less!). Lines of red makeup made his face look like a contour map, neatly covering the scars he got from when his daddy beat him before the war. If I didn't kill him here, I'd be adding a few more.

But beside him was a manacled woman of unparalleled beauty. Her bouncy, curly hair didn't lose one bit of its luster since I last saw it, like a plush cloud of cotton candy from the fair. Her hopeful blue eyes filled my spirit with happiness that reflected from her smile. Though her forelegs were bound above her, she still clapped in excitement and hollered her support.

Pinkie Pie yelled and rattled her chains with exuberant applause. "Woo, Twiley! You go girl!"

I flashed her a quick smirk, just to let her know I appreciated it. But then my gaze turned to the asshole beside her. I wasn't smiling anymore.

He brought his hands together, slowly and sarcastically, as if in condescending critique of my presence. "Well done, hero. You've killed countless men just to save one girl. I hope you're proud of yourself."

I scoffed. "I didn't kill anyone. All I did was take out the trash."

The bastard actually smiled at that, like he was amused by the deaths of his minions. "Yes, even you can make short work of low-grade degenerates. But as we've seen before, you always fall short when someone more worthwhile takes what he deserves."

"You don't deserve anything but a slow death, clown boy, and I'm here to deliver."

His haughty laughter filled the room, taking a year off my smile's lifespan. "Really? I don't remember calling for a freak show." He stood from the throne, dark and gaudy cape flapping in the wind. I guess he thought he looked badass.

"You didn't have to. You look enough like a side-show circus attraction that you only need to look in a mirror."

Slow, plodding steps down to my level went with an increasingly crooked grin. "Such words. Truly, the only thing slower than your wit is your fist."

"The only thing that saved you last time was my conscience. Now that I've crawled out of hell for a rematch, you'll see how much of a handicap that was."

More derisive chuckling, as if that wasn't getting tiresome already. "Are you sure it wasn't your ridiculous love for that obnoxious mare that held you back? Your misplaced sentimentality for a pretty face is your true weakness. You should know that a woman like her is useful for little more than breeding."

I gnashed my teeth as he finally stood in front of me. Nothing but a few dozen inches between my hands and his throat. "You should know that her love is what kept me alive."

He wasn't moved by the sentiment. "It won't do you any good, hero. You'll die a miserable death in front of a worthless love. You were a fool to challenge me twice."

"My magic is invincible. You'll see firsthand why stealing my girl was your last mistake."

There was a wild glint in his eyes, growing through our confrontation and reaching its zenith. His stance widened, pulling his left foot back and right hand up, fingers straight and perpendicular to his palm. Some bullshit martial arts pose. "A fool like you deserves to lose everything. Who could blame a thief for striking such an easy target?"

"Yeah, your mom's an easy target."

His grin fell immediately, disappointed. "Hm, yes, very mature."

"Blah blah blah, you're all talk." I intoned impatiently. "Just throw a punch, you pussy."

"Very well, you'll die to my signature style! Behold the Mountain Crane Rock Splitting Fist!"

He shot his hand towards my throat, his fingers ram-rod straight and set to cut right through my windpipe. It was a scary style that indeed cut through damn near anything. His hand cut through the air like a dagger in the night and neared me swiftly. Just a few milliseconds stood between me and an agonizing death.

It all seemed hopeless until my hand shot up and pushed his fingers apart. Before he could even react, I had my fingers grip his hand like a shackle. His face dropped that manic glee in favor of the best "oh shit" look of fear I've ever seen. The tables were turned, and I pushed forward.

Figuratively, and literally. I twisted his wrist back, forcing him to his knees. My other hand balled into a fist and went right up into the side of his head. It wasn't the hardest blow I could've delivered, but it still sent him rolling a couple of feet away from me.

He stopped his rolling on his feet, crouched for recovery and stunned at the difference in my power. "W-what is this? How could you stop my Boulder Cutter Blade so easily? What martial art have you learned to get such power?"

I cracked my knuckles in promise of a thorough ass beating. "Martial arts are for pussies. I'm just gonna kick your ass."

I saw his life flash before his eyes as he realized how much of his worthless life he wasted on training some stupid bird punch. He didn't give in, though. He jumped through the air for one last attack on me, trying his pointless finger-poke attack, only now he's slightly above me.

I threw a punch with my fist colliding with his. The fingers snapped and caved , followed by his arm, his shoulder, and finally his chest. My attack blew him into a pillar, shattering both it and his body. Rubble and dust fell around him while he could barely manage to cough.

My echoing footfalls approached him. My enemy sputtered and coughed, blood spurting out of his gurgling throat. This fight was already over. I stood above him, victorious as I was in all things. A smile graced my face, like a demon basking upon a flame-wreathed rock. I extended my hand in his direction, lavender light coating it like poison on an arrow.

"Like a bitch."

His head exploded like a hammered tomato, giving the floor a nice shade of crimson for an otherwise dreary room. It felt good, not gonna lie. As I turned to my darling Pinkie, I realized it was gonna feel that much better.

I stood before her, both of us smiling at our successful reunion. "Sorry for the wait."

"That's okay, I knew you'd come for me." She sounded so enthused to see me again that I felt a soaring in my heart.

"Always for you, beautiful." I came closer to her, reaching my hands for the shackles above her. "Now, let's just get these off."

"Wait!"

I stopped, may face pleasantly close to hers. "What?"

Her smile turned sly. "Leave them on."

"Uh, okay."

"Now come closer."

I felt a lot warmer all of a sudden. "Okay."

I inched closer to her, Pinkie biting her lip all the while. She had a plan for me, that much I could see. Perhaps this was my "reward". Wasn't about to argue with that. Her eyes closed as I approached, muzzle drifting forward to meet me. My eyes closed as well, leaving only the anticipation I felt as my guide. Centimeters separated us. Ours lips closed ever closer, tantalizingly slowly.

A flash of light and power caught my attention behind me. I pulled away from Pinkie and whirled about to face this new intruder. Magic flowed through my hands promising swift annihilation for the son of a bitch who interrupted my kiss, but it quickly died when I saw who it was.

"Oh, Luna, I didn't expect to see you so soon."

Princess Luna seemed baffled. "Pardon?"

"Yeah, I though you were looking for Celestia in City G. Did ya hit a dead end?"

"Uh, I already know where my sister is."

"Nice, does this mean you're gonna rebuild Equestria?"

The hamster wheel in Luna's head struggled to spin. "But Equestria is fine."

Meanwhile, my wheel's hamster was missing. "How is Equestria fine after, like, ten thousand nuclear missiles?"

"What's a nuclear missile?"

The howling wind ceased its bellyaching as time came to a halt. Pieces of reality and logic filtered into my brain as a conclusion took form. I turned to Pinkie, then to Luna.

"This is a dream, isn't it?"

My eyes opened, seeing the ceiling of my house. What a weird dream.

I turned my head to the side, finding Luna staring at me. How long was she here? Looking past her, I noticed that my balcony door was open. I'd normally think nothing of it, if only I wasn't sure that I locked that door just last night.

"Sorry for waking you. I know how lightly you sleep." Luna whispered.

I sat up a groan, facing the princess with a heavier kind of morning grogginess. "You just woke me up at the good part."

She lowered her head. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'm sure I'll have another opportunity sometime." I shifted around to face her more directly. "So what's up?"

"I was wandering if you would like to spend some time together with me." She added almost desperately. "Please?"

Even as sleepy as I was, I noticed that hitch in her voice. If I cared about her friendship, I couldn't say no. "Alright, sounds like fun. Good thing I have a spell for this."

Light pulsed through my horn and into my body. Fatigue left me like a swift eviction, and I felt ready for another day in an instant. I got out of bed like I had a full night's rest, surprising Luna with my sudden vigor.

"You have a spell that wards off sleep?"

I made way to the bathroom, grabbing a brush and getting my mane into order. "Yeah, but I can't use it too often. It only makes you ignore drowsiness, not immune."

"So when the spell's effects run out..."

"Yeah, I feel the cumulative strain of multiple days without rest. I'll be fine as long as it's just for tonight."

"It's a good thing you conveniently have such a spell."

I flashed her a wry smile on my way outside the bathroom. "I'm friends with the night princess. It pays to be prepared."

Judging by the smile she gave me in return, she appreciated my effort on being ready for her. I guess All-Nighter was a good idea for a spell, after all.

After a few moments of discussion, we decided to spend this night at the arcade again. It wasn't difficult to get there, since I was better prepared for this. We didn't get lost, and the darkened streets didn't turn us around. All in all, the trip itself barely warranted a mention, if not for the fact that I noticed a sullenness in Luna's demeanor. Something was definitely wrong, and I doubted she was simply lonely.

We walked inside to find the same stallion as before manning the counter with his ever-bored expression quickly morphing into shock.

"P-princess!" He hit his head on the counter in an attempt to bow, quickly taking a step back to do it properly.

"Are you going to do that every time we come here?" I asked.

He said nothing. Guess he didn't care about my opinion one way or another. Asshole.

"Can we get some drinks?" Luna asked politely.

"Right away!" The guy quickly responded. His service was swift, and our soda were before us before we could blink.

"Thank you." As we left the counter, I realized he didn't charge us. Traveling with a princess had its perks.

We took our spots at a machine and put in the bits. We did the whole shebang, pushing buttons and wiggling joysticks, but I honestly can't remember what we played that day. There was this feeling over us like a heavy weight bearing down. Barely halfway through the first screen, and the coin dropped when Luna spoke.

"So I have this friend..."

Aw, crap. There were only so many ways this was gonna go.

"And she's hiding a big secret."

"Well, we've all got skeletons in our closets." I remarked.

"Some skeletons are bigger than others." She shot back.

"Are we talking pony sized or manticore or...?"

"Manticore sized. Maybe dragon."

I let that one settle for a moment, only button mashing filling the air for the duration. "So, bad."

"Yes."

"What kind of secret? Is your friend a closet lesbian, or something?"

"She's not who she says she is."

I think my character died, because I momentarily forgot how to push buttons. Happens to the best of us, right? "Whoops, there goes another bit." I plopped in another coin and played like nothing happened. "So what are you thinking of this friend?"

"She means the world to me. I don't want anything to happen to this mare, but I fear it's inevitable. Powerful ponies know the truth, and they are going to act."

Well shit, that's ominous. I sure hope her friend can figure something out.

...

...

Wait, nopony talks about a friend like this unless...

I turned my eyes to Luna, finding her staring at me with heavy dread. If I wasn't so sure that she was my friend, I would have had chills at that moment. This wasn't a social chat or a plea for advice. This was a warning.

"I hope my friend is ready for trouble."

Author's Note

Pic unrelated

Magic

For the past few hours, I was etching glyphs into the wall with my precision tools. I just needed two more characters before I was through. As for my end goal, I was just making a silent alarm system with the tools I had available. Without advanced technology, all I had left was advanced abjuration.

Only a few seconds after finishing one of the glyphs, Spike wearily stepped down the stairs, looking over the fruits of my labor.

"What's all this?" He asked.

"Magic alarm spell. Once it's finished, if even so much as an ant comes into the house, I'll be the first to know." I answered proudly. Really, I meant to make this earlier, but I figured summoning circles were a more productive use of my time.

"Cool." He said, paying barely any mind to his paranoid housemate. "So did we leave the balcony door open last night, or what?"

Crap, I knew I forgot something. "No, that was Luna. She wanted to hang out."

"Oh, Luna came by? I didn't hear her come in."

That's because you sleep like you're in a coma. "She was quiet this time."

"Did you do anything interesting?"

She turned my world upside down, for starters. "Just went to the arcade. Once she left I began working on this alarm."

"Why are you working on that, anyway?"

Because now everypony who can kick my ass knows that they should. "It's a project I've been putting off for a while. Since I had a few extra hours this morning, I figured I might as well."

"Oh, cool. Did you cook breakfast, yet?"

"It's on the table, locked in temporal stasis."

"Thanks!" Spike left the room briefly. He came back with a tray of biscuits and gems. "Are those glowing symbols in the kitchen also an alarm?"

"Yup." I brought the knife away from the wall and looked over my handiwork. Perfectly rounded edges and sharp points. I charged my horn with bright energy, sending the power floating through the runes like water in a tube. Power spread around the room. Before long, the edges near the ceiling glowed a soft lavender, stabilizing with an occasional pulse that spun around the room.

Spike observed the finalization with awe. "Wow, that's amazing! You did this to the kitchen, too?"

"And the basement." I said. "It acts like a night light, by the way."

"It looks like a wizard lives here."

"What's that supposed to mean? I am a wizard!"

Spike stifled a laugh. "I know, it looks great. How'd you do it?"

"Imbuing objects with energy is easy, but incredibly short lived. Typically, you could only make it last for a few minutes, but I found a workaround." I pointed to the last symbol I carved. "This glyph serves as a conduit to power the adjacent glyphs, but it also refreshes the power used, recycling the power for its next go around the room. The next ones in the sequence specify a function, that being an alarm; then a target, this room; and an activation condition, when something enters the room. With the power glyph cycling the power through the line, it could last about a week before I need to recharge it."

Spike spent a moment watching the power cycling through the glyphs with a recognizable glint of interest in his eyes. "You can do some interesting things with magic, huh?"

"Yeah, just wait until I figure out how to make things float. I'm thinking of making a handy hovering sack of some kind."

He nodded absently, more preoccupied with the magic circling around than my future projects. I didn't even realize my alarm could act as a trap. Would he have noticed if I grabbed one of his biscuits? "You know, when it was just me and Twilight, I always figured she'd be the one making all these magic contraptions while I just stood by writing notes. It's weird to think that I might be able to do it, too."

"Is it weird, or exciting?"

He shrugged minutely. "Both, I guess. I just never figured I could use magic before now."

He was obviously considering asking me to teach him. The question was if I even had the time. I didn't know who knew about my secret and how many of them there were (damn it, Luna), so I would need to be prepared. But the more I thought about it, I had no way of knowing when they'd make their move. If it was that day or even the day after, I didn't have enough time even if I was focused. In other words, I had no reason to say no, and every reason to spend my time the best I could. "If you want to learn some of it, I wouldn't mind helping."

His head turned back to me with a big, childlike grin. "You know, that sounds like fun! Just try to avoid technical language, okay?"

I leaned back with a cool shrug and a sly dismissal. "Hey, what do you take me for? Somepony who knows what they're doing?"

We stood outside the library, ready to begin our first magic lesson.

"I have a question." Spike began.

"Already? We just got here."

"Why are you human right now?"

I looked down to myself, tights covering me more snugly than the last time I wore them. I'm also sure I was a little bigger. "Should I not be human?"

"No, I'm just wondering."

I shrugged. "I just figured you should get instruction from a source more similar to you than a unicorn."

"How does changing your shape do that?"

"It changes the pathways used to channel my magic, and shows that even creatures other than unicorns can do it."

He seemed to get it. Or maybe he just nodded because he figured I knew what I was talking about. Either way, it was time for us to begin. Sooner or later, I'd make Spike the most bad-ass dragon in the world.

"First things first, I want to know how powerful you are so we can gauge your progress from here on." I raised my hands, glowing in my awesome power. The light filled my entire form and faded, leaving the world feeling a little cooler than before. "Alright, I just cast two spells. One that measures power, and another that protects me. I want you to channel as much magic as you can into your fire breath, and hit me as hard as you can."

Spike looked nervous. "Um, are you sure that's a good idea? Couldn't you cast those spells on something else?"

"I don't see why that matters, since I'm functionally invulnerable to fire right now. You couldn't hurt me if you tried, and I want you to try."

"Are you really sure? I mean, maybe there's something you overlooked or something?"

"Like what?"

He shrugged.

I disarmed his worries with a cocky smile. "Bro, I'm invincible. Just go for it."

Spike still seemed unsure, but agreed. He breathed in as much as he could, bright green light barely shining through his scales. After about five seconds of continuous build up, I had to take a moment to admire the lung capacity of dragons. Seriously, it only takes a fraction of that time for humans and ponies to fill their lungs, but Spike went for a good ten seconds.

Then came the fun part where it all came out at once. From my perspective, it was a solid green wall of bright green flames. It consumed my vision in a split second before I could even register the stimulus. I wasn't worried, since I was protected from the heat. Even as it touched me, the fire didn't even singe my hair. Heat wasn't an issue.

Then I realized that I was blown off my feet like I was run over by a bus. Near hurricane-level force threw me backwards like I was a paper cup. The sheer, sudden force of it knocked the wind out of me, and that was before I slammed back-first into the library. Slamming into the library was a double-whammy of pain and fatigue striking simultaneously, making the world spin like a Beyblade.

I slumped against the tree, unable and unwilling to act just yet. Unfortunately, my misery wasn't over. The beehive plaguing my home came loose from the impact and fell straight down. It crashed onto my head and lodged itself around my neck like a murderous plastic bag. The pain was unimaginable.

Still, I managed to open my eyes. Before my vision was a tastefully furnished food court inhabited by very shocked bees. They stared at me in surprise and horror, barely fathoming the presence of their gigantic intruder.

One bee, however, shook out of its shock and slowly stalked over to my face. I knew I was in for a bad time when it flicked out a switchblade.

"It doesn't look that bad." Spike hopelessly complimented.

"I look ridiculous."

"It's barely noticeable." He tried again.

"I look like Joshua Graham got a sex change."

Spike rolled that thought through his head before responding. "I don't know who that is."

I took a deep breath and let it out. "Yeah, I guess you wouldn't."

We were walking out of the hospital after bees savaged my face. It was covered in mummy wrappings to avoid infection, so now Ponyville was gonna look haunted for a few days.

Spike blamed himself for it, of course, which I wasn't going to allow. "Look, Spike, this wasn't your fault. You even tried to warn me about this."

He smiled gratefully . "Thanks, Dusk."

"Any time. Now, after a showing like that, I figure we can skip the strength measuring. Clearly, you need no help with that. All you need now is the know-how."

"So I need to study books?"

"Yes, that's where you're getting most of the knowledge. I can already tell you that you'll specialize in conjuration, though."

"Because I send letters with my fire breath?"

"Exactly."

We arrived back at our training grounds (the back yard) finding it just as we left it a few hours ago. The buzzing bees struggled to raise their ruined home back into place to fix it up. Industrious little shits.

Putting aside my thoughts of vengeance, we took our spots to continue the lessons. "So, considering your specialty, I think we should focus on your knowledge. You already know how to read the spells, so you'll just need to expand your understanding. That means learning more 'words' and stuff."

"Then why are we out here instead of indoors where the books are?"

"Because men learn best from experience."

Channeling magic into my foot, I stomped an earth spell to raise a solid rock wall beside us. I threw another spell from my hand, this time blasting runes into it with lightning. Loose rocks and pebbles clattered below to reveal the spell now written on the wall.

I crossed my arms, because I had no other ideas on what cool pose I should use after that display. "That's the spell we're gonna practice today. It's a summoning spell locked onto another plane of existence, and it will conjure a harmless creature."

Spike glanced at the wall. "Why did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"That thing with the stomping and the lightning. Couldn't you have just written it on paper?"

I sagged in disappointment. "Seriously, we need to work on your standards."

Spike rocked back in offense. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you have no sense of style."

"I-I do too!" He shot back.

"If you did, you would have appreciated my display of power."

"Why? It was pointless!"

I sighed heavily. "There's a time for everything, bro. That includes showing off."

Spike frowned, but said nothing. Instead of continuing our equally pointless argument, he read over the spell on the wall. "So what's that do, anyway?"

"It'll summon a creature from the realm of fire, called a 'sprite'. They're stronger than most ponies, but they mostly stick to harmless pranks."

"So it won't be dangerous?"

"Not really. They're the lowest forms of life in the Elemental Plains, I can handle them if they get out of control."

Spike nodded and read through the spell again. Once he was sure he had it memorized, he took a deep breath, releasing the power in a bright green line of fire that pulsed outwards upon impact with the ground. Two green, glowing figures flew out of the fire. Burning bodies of ethereal musculature and sharp claws spun about, stretching wide in the air with wispy clouds for legs. They hissed at the world with maws of pointed teeth, settling into a sinister grin upon the one who summoned them. Their glowing eyes shone bright, bright enough to leave spots in one's vision when they looked away.

I smiled in pride at the dragon's first successful summoning. "Good job, Spike, those're definitely sprites."

Spike looked up at one of them, nervous sweat trickling down his head at the beast he conjured. "Uh, they're pretty big."

About the size of a teen aged pony, in any case. "Not really. Some of the creatures from their world are as big as Canterlot Castle."

Spike blanched at the idea. "T-then maybe we shouldn't be summoning these things?"

I waved off the concern, smiling as disarmingly as I could. "Please, we only summoned a few of the weaker creatures. These guys are strong enough to be useful, but weak enough to be controlled. In fact, these things are bound to your command. You can literally tell them what to do."

"But couldn't they just beat me up and ignore me?"

"Nah, they're not strong enough for that. If you have the power to summon them, you have more power than they do. It's all about how strong your magic is."

"So by summoning them, I'm stronger than them?"

One of the sprites hovered away, bored of the conversation. I didn't put much stock in it, so I continued onward. "Right, the summoning spell is an attempt to pull them out of their environment. They naturally use their own power to resist the attempt, so stronger monsters need more power to bring in."

The other sprite hovered away, but I was too invested in my lecture to pay too much attention. "The exception to this is the sapient creatures. Most of the more powerful creatures can talk, and can make choices. Sprites are easy because they just obey their natural instincts without much thought, so your will overpowers theirs. These stronger guys still have minds of their own, so they might want to be summoned, and they'll add power to your spell to make it easier for you. You'll have to be careful with them, though, because they'll often have their own agendas, and they won't follow your orders unwillingly."

Spike calmed somewhat, knowing that the sprites were under his command. Funny how being stronger than something makes it seem less threatening. "So these stronger monsters wouldn't do what I say?"

"They may or may not. Some creatures out there would pop up and do as you say because they're friendly, or be ideologically inclined to assist in your goals. Others, however, would see your summoning as an opportunity to go to a world with creatures weaker than them, and relish in the chance to wreak havoc unopposed. Or they might just be lazy pricks who just wanna sunbathe. It's hard to say."

Spike nodded. "So I should stick to summoning the weaker monsters so they'll do as I say?"

I shrugged. "For the most part. While it's more pragmatic to stick to weaker creatures for their reliability, you might have to summon the bigger ones to ask questions, make deals, or just have a stronger ally. The important thing to remember is that you'll always need to take precautions, just in case."

Something tickled my armpit. I scratched at it, spinning to catch sight of the offending object. One of the damn sprites had a feather attached to a stick. How'd it grab the stick without setting it on fire?

"Hey, do you mind? We're in the middle of something!"

It laughed into one of its hands and flew off.

I growled a bit, but went back to talking Spike's ear off. "Anyway, that's the gist of conjuration's more practical uses. There are other spells you could use from making objects appear at your command to teleportation."

"I can teleport?" Spike asked in amazement.

"Oh, yeah, definitely. As a specialist in the field, it'll be easier for you than it is for me."

Spike's eyes shined at the news. "Can I teleport now?"

"Not yet. You still need to learn the sequences for it, and you'll likely have to test it out a few times to get the hang of the power it uses. I mean, use too little and you'll fail, use too much and you overshoot your target and fall on your head."

"Has that happened to you?"

I glared at Spike silently. There wasn't a reason to answer that.

His eyes flicked up suddenly, and I heard a crack. Before I could look up to see what that was, something gooey fell onto my head. The goo slid down the front of my face and I furiously swept at it.

"Was that a fucking egg?" I spun around to a then-laughing sprite with egg shells in its hand. "You son of a-" I pulled my fist back to whack it, and it flew away, blowing raspberries at me all the way. "Christ, it got in my bandages."

"Wow, that's annoying."

"Ugh, tell me about it." I swiped a bit of it off, flicking egg yolk on the ground. "Anyway, I think that's all I can teach you without a bunch of books. Once you get the hang of spell casting, it won't be too long before you can do things most unicorns consider impossible."

Spike's eyes sparkled again. "I never knew I would be that special."

"Naturally." I smiled at his awestruck expression. "You're a dragon, so you're already gonna be special. Being a dragon slinging spells just means that you'll stand above other dragons, like a dragon lord, or something."

He scratched his chin, digesting everything we just went over. "You know, I always figured I'd be Twilight's assistant forever, which I was fine with, but it's weird to think I can do more than that."

I opened my mouth to say something, but I stopped when I realized I had nothing to say to that at first. It sounds like Spike was less humble and more self-defeating. Why would he think he couldn't do more with himself? Because he was still a baby dragon, and wouldn't think of himself otherwise? I hoped that was the case and not a more pressing issue with him. I just stuck with praise and positivity for the time being. "Well, you have lots of potential. You can do anything you can set your mind to. Now that you have magic, it just got easier."

His smile told me he was happy to hear that, so I did good. "Thanks, Dusk. I'm glad you're helping me with this."

I smiled back. "What's a big brother for?"

Spike went inside shortly afterwards while I stayed outside. More than ever, I wanted to be that older sibling for the drake, but I knew my time was growing shorter. Some ponies above me knew who I was, and they were going to make a move at some point. I'll have to fight them.

I doubted my strength. I could handle a few civilian ponies, no problem. A battalion of guards was another matter, and that's before factoring in Celestia. Was she even one of the ponies coming after me? It seemed likely, considering her guard captain was the one who found out first. That means I'll need to defend myself against the most powerful pony in Equestria.

And my friend.

I needed to get even stronger, at least strong enough to get away. I couldn't leave this to chance, and I had to be ready for anything. I needed a way to get better at fighting.

My thoughts came back to helping Spike with his summoning. After all, I knew how to summon creatures, and they could help with many tasks. Could they help with this?

That's when I got a marvelous idea. I charged a great deal of power into my hand, releasing it in a swirling blast of dark fire. A monstrous form rose from the flame, bright red eyes glaring balefully at its master. It towered over me like an oak next to a squirrel. It growled through a row of razor sharp teeth that could crush bone, and a face like a wolf out of hell. Its chitinous body rattled into place, raising its mighty claws to its side.

I faced the creature fully. Few mortals have ever seen one of these things and lived. Their power was astounding, and their malevolence was a well-known, well-earned trait of their infernal kind. But for me, it was perfect. It was strong, which was what I really wanted.

"Fight me."

Getting Audited

Princess Luna yawned as she stepped out of her room. It was time for breakfast before her evening duties, for which she was sorry that she didn't get much sleep. Too many worries clouded her mind.

Her steps took her past a slightly opened door, from which emerged voices. She didn't think too much of it at first. It led to an office used by a guard, but she didn't immediately remember who. She walked right past it with barely a glance until she heard a particular voice. Shining Armor?

Her mind jumped to the captain's revelations the previous day. Surely he would still have that fresh on his mind, seeing as it dealt with his sister. With that conclusion, she had all the reason she needed eavesdrop. She silently sidled to the opening and held her ears in prime position to hear every word.

The first pony she heard was whatever other pony speaking with Shining, asking a question timidly. "Didn't you say the princess wanted to wait and see what happens?"

Shining replied to the question with restraint, but hid little of the edge in his voice. "A pony has been replaced by a monster. She can't seriously expect anypony to leave this alone, especially when it's my own sister!"

The second pony sounded sympathetic. "I understand, captain, but if the princess wants us to observe, then what else can we do?"

"She might not let us act directly, but we can speed things along."

"But how?"

"We need to probe her defenses, so to speak. She does a good job playing nice, but we can get her to drop the act if we can frustrate her enough. That's why I'm assigning you to this."

"What makes you think this will work, though?"

Luna heard paper sliding across the desk. "On this paper shows the locations of the impostor's hidden stashes of bits and jewels. I believe she's withholding her income."

The anonymous guard reacted with surprise. "She's evading taxes?"

"That's what I'm thinking. I need you to escort the tax pony and search the premises for any additional stashes you can find."

"What do we do if we find them?"

"Confiscate them, but don't arrest the impostor. We need to frustrate this mare, not draw attention to us."

"Yes, sir."

Luna heard enough. She teleported back to her room before she could be caught.

I floated my sore, exhausted form into my living room, not even bothering to close the door behind me. Limp and sore beyond belief, I dropped my levitation when I passed over a table. I landed face first on its edge and sent it, with me in tow, crashing to the hard, comfortable floor.

Spike rushed in from the kitchen, dropping his gemstone in shock as he rushed to my fallen self. "Dusk, are you okay? What happened?"

I groaned and shifted an unresponsive arm. "Demons bad. No summon."

"YOU SUMMONED A DEMON?" He gawked.

"We fought. I won." Barely.

"It doesn't look like you won!"

I groaned weakly in response. I almost didn't. It turns out that demons are pretty strong. Who knew?

A flash took our attention. A scroll summoned by teleportation magic fell next to my head. I slowly dragged my arm over to flick it open. Sadly, I couldn't read it from my position, and I didn't feel like moving any more.

This wasn't sent by dragon fire. Whoever sent this isn't Celestia, but it's gotta be important. "Spike, could you read that for me?"

Spike sighed with exasperation. He figured he might as well do this little favor for his reckless brother.

My friend, I hope this missive finds you well. Captain Armor is sending a tax collector with a compliment of guards to search your house for hidden funds. They will arrive in the morning, so you must be prepared!

-Luna.

"Damn it." I found the strength to push myself up to my knees. "I am not letting some pencil pusher come here and take my money."

Spike put his claws under my shoulders, helping me to my feet. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I shook my head, stumbling over to a table not yet overturned. "I don't need rest, I need a plan."

My hooves knocked on the Boutique's door, rattling the frame from my only then noticed strength. I seriously had a problem with gauging that. Still, the sound it made echoed in the house, so Rarity definitely heard me.

She opened the door with a smile and a polite greeting, both of which fell the instant she saw me. In fact, she reared back and screamed "A mummy!" Rarity sprinted back inside and tripped over nothing like a true damsel in distress. "Please, whatever you do, don't hurt my beautiful dresses!"

I sighed. "Rarity, it's me."

Just like that, Rarity got up like nothing was wrong. "Oh goodness, what happened to you, darling? Are you alright?"

Why does everyone keep asking that? "Actually, I have something more important to tell you."

"Um, alright. What is it?"

"Hot sweaty stallions at my place."

Rarity froze, eyes dilated and wide at the news. "When?"

"Around ten in the morning."

She steeled her expression into fierce determination. "I'll be there."

I smiled in a most sinister fashion behind my wrappings. Perfect.

Besides that brief aside with Rarity, I'll skip over most of my preparations. The only thing I have left to add is that I cast another All-Nighter just to get ready for this invasion of my privacy. All the stashes were moved to secure locations you don't need to know. When morning arrived, I sent Spike on his way with a few bits and the instructions of "go wild". With the little dragon out of the way, I could focus entirely on my plan.

The plan began with me leaving my house keys on the table nearest the door, and then walking outside, locking the door, and closing it. I may have also jury-rigged a spell that made my door indestructible, and wouldn't you know it, a tragic accident with a blow-torch fused the lock into scrap. What a misfortune!

I reclined in a beach chair and adorned some really dark shades. With forelegs folded behind my head, I closed my eyes and relaxed until the show could begin.

That's what the intrepid colts in gold saw when they arrived about half an hour later. The whole lot of them stood a few paces away when a sniveling sort of stallion sauntered up to me like he meant something.

"Are you Twilight Sparkle?" He asked.

I raised my glasses and gave him a quick look. Slick, greasy hair haunted my eyes. One could hardly hold back a grimace at the self-important gaze he gave me.

"That's me. What do you want?"

He puffed himself up and looked down on me like I just shat on his lawn. "My name is Boot Licker, royal tax collector."

I hummed in acknowledgment. "Uh huh. Is there a reason you're on my property?"

He scoffed like a stooge. "Your property? Please. You can't own property if you pay taxes."

Ugh. "You're not answering my question."

"We're here to search your property for funds you've been hiding from the Equestrian Tax Office. We'll be confiscating the requisite thirty percent as mandated by Equestian law."

"With interest, I assume?"

"Naturally."

I rolled my eyes and put my sunglasses aside. It was too bad Equestria didn't have a need for warrants, or I would have abused that to get an extra day just to fuck with this guy. "Well, the door's right there. Feel free to go on in."

He made to do just that. However, he could only jiggle the handle. He glared at me. "Please unlock your door."

I patted myself down and gave him a helpless shrug. "Sorry, I don't have my keys on me."

His eyes narrowed. "You locked yourself out of your house?"

"What can I say? I'm a real scatter-brain." I replied airily.

He huffed. "No matter. I'll just have the guards unlock the door for us."

One of the stallions in gold drew a lockpick from his armor and made to put it in the lock. It didn't even go halfway before it "thunk"-ed into an obstruction. He stood back and shook his head at the tax pony.

"Did you sabotage the lock?"

"Oh, that was Spike. He had the hiccups, you see. Nasty business."

His expression lowered into a glower as he wracked his brain for a solution. "Very well, we'll just have to break it down."

"Just letting you guys know that any damage done to my house will be compensated through the courts."

He scoffed that away with the usual dismissive-ness bureaucrats have towards the law and made way for the big boys to do their thing.

The first stallion shoulder checked the door, only to fall on his ass. Thoroughly confused, or probably concussed, a bigger stallion stepped in and tried his luck. He slammed into the door with the full fury of a 'roid machine, rocking the house hard enough for a few brown leaves to float down. He gave the door a hardened frown and heavy buck. Didn't even scratch it.

The lockpick stallion yelled at me. "What did you do to this door?"

I made a show of looking confused. "What do you mean 'what I did'? You guys are the ones banging on it."

"But it's not breaking!"

"Uhm..." I swayed my head around in thought, even though I came prepared with this excuse. "I guess I got it reinforced. I used to have pegasi slamming into it all the time, so I made it sturdier."

The earlier, bruised stallion piped up. "Why didn't you warn us of that?"

"It slipped my mind."

The atmosphere got heavier, and glares were levied. They would obviously need something bigger.

A new squad of guard ponies joined the fun. Their repeated banging did nothing to the full might of cheap wood and sparsely oiled hinges. They were completely flummoxed at it all. How could a simple door be this strong?

Eventually, it got to the point where they figured that they'd just slam into it all at once. I doubted it would work, but I had no problem letting them beat themselves silly. I just popped open a cold one and relaxed as it unfolded before me. The whole mass of ponies backed up a good one hundred feet, psyching themselves up for another rush.

The earth rumbled at their passing, twenty stallions of rippling muscle and gleaming armor rushing forward like drunks trying to make it for the last call. One after the other, they made contact. Every subsequent impact moved nothing. The only thing they accomplished was hurting themselves.

Light puffs of sand alerted me to the approaching bounces of my dearest Pinkie Pie. She stood right next to me with a concerned frown.

"Hey Twilight, have you seen my party cannon?"

I briefly glanced at the tumult by the door, momentarily wondering why Pinkie didn't bring that up first. "Uh, sorry, Pinkie. I haven't seen it."

"Could I search your house? I don't know where else I could have left it."

I shrugged indifferently. "Be my guest. We're just having trouble getting the door open."

"Don't you have some really cool magic trick that could open it?"

I smirked deviously. "They don't need to know that."

That confused her, prompting a deeper frown. She sat next to me, watching the next charge.

They hit the door again. It was textbook insanity.

"Why are they trying to break your door down?"

I took a quick sip of my bourbon. "Welp, these boys want in, and I locked 'em out."

"So why don't they just use a window?"

I giggled behind a hoof. "Let's see how long they take to think of that."

Another series of slams from a futile effort. The frustration permeated the air like heat from an oven. And Celestia thinks I have anger issues.

The front-most stallion staggered to his hooves. "Okay, I think I felt something crack that time."

Another stallion piped up. "So we're making progress?"

"No." The weakened stallion slumped into a fitful unconsciousness.

"So hey," I asked Pinkie. "You want some lemonade?"

She smiled. "You know I love sugary drinks."

A flash of magic sent a can of lemonade into her hoof. Meanwhile, the guard ponies were gathering their strength for another go.

"You boys ready for another rush?" One asked.

"Yes, sir." Most replied.

"No..."

"Alright, form up on three!"

Before he could begin his count, an egg splattered into his face. It was with wide-eyed fury that he wiped it clean and glared at the offender. He hardly reacted to the glowing green sprite that mooned him with rumbling laughter.

"Get that guy!" He ordered. Three of his subordinates ran off chasing the sprite around a corner.

Well, that was unexpected. Still, I sipped by drink and smiled wider. "Three down, seventeen to go."

The brave, stalwart ponies of the Royal Guard valiantly chased down the mischievous monster as it fled. The flying coward had not the guts to face them! They swore to make it pay for throwing that egg.

The green beast turned a corner to an alleyway. This was their chance! They took the corner with great zeal, feeling in their hearts rise.

Only for the sight of a second sprite grinning behind a cannon to stop them dead in their tracks.

This second sprite blew a raspberry, pulling the firing cord. It was a moment that hung in their minds for hours. They processed every tiny detail that spoke of their oncoming humiliation. Their final thoughts just then were rumination on fumbling into an obvious trap. A harsh blast of confetti and party streamers put them out of their misery.

FWEEEEE!

"Hey, that was my party cannon! Gotta go!" Pinkie ran straight down the road like her tail was on fire. I had to take her word for it, since my ears weren't as sensitive as hers.

At some point, a few of the guards wandered off for some "equipment". That was sure to be a blast. In the meantime, Boot Licker stomped back over to me.

"Seriously, open your door."

I took a slow sip of my drink. "And how do you figure I do that?"

"You must have some way of getting into your own house!"

I shrugged. "I dunno what you want from me. Just call a locksmith, or something."

He sighed, partly in relief at the suggestion. "Fine then, who's the locksmith in this town?"

I shrugged again. "I dunno, I never needed one."

He gave me a red-faced grimace that sounded like a tea kettle and stomped off. Damn, what was his problem?

With half the team missing, the remaining guards sat around to catch their breath. Though badly beaten by an inanimate object, they would still be ready for the next round of attempts. Not that any of this stopped them from shooting glares at me, relaxing like I was watching daytime television.

It occurred to me that I was building a growing resentment among the guard. Well, it was inevitable. With their captain now working against me, it was only a matter of time until the rest of them saw me as a villain. Let 'em come and test their patience against my wit. I'll win every time.

Then reinforcements arrived. My reinforcements. With a pleasant "Yoohoo!", Rarity trotted into view with a parasol and a folding chair. Damn, girl came prepared.

"Twilight, have you been hogging their attention all this time? For shame!" She lightly admonished.

I waved my hoof in a lazy circle. "Ah, they came in a little early. Still plenty of time to get a lovely view."

Rarity turned her attention to the colts in gold, and hummed her appreciation. "I should say."

There was one good reason that I invited Rarity to this particular occasion. In all my life, I have never seen a more effortless tease. Empirical evidence showed that Rarity was so attractive that other species would be immediately enamored. She was a perfect candidate to distract a group of hardy, virile stallions.

Sure enough, hearts filled their vision, and this auditing shit didn't seem so important. Smiles grew on their lips, and they broke ranks to speak to their new goddess. Just as I expected, she ate up the attention easily. It didn't take long for the colts to volunteer to set up her viewing gallery for her as she settled in with a coy smile that I knew was genuine.

Seriously, she loved the attention, but knew little about what to do with it. I guess that's the problem with saving yourself for a prince: no actual romantic experience.

Oh, and that makes eight left.

Boot Licker came back over, because I guess he just couldn't get enough of me handing him his ass. "Who's the floozy distracting my guards?"

I took another sip of my drink, but this time I maintained eye contact. I lowered my bottle onto the ground and folded my hooves over my chest. "If you call my friend a floozy one more time, I'll punch you in the mouth."

He paled and backed up an inch. "Y-you'd go to prison."

"I'm not afraid of prison."

This seemed to scare him into submission, and he went away. Good thing, too, because I was having fun watching the guards fan Rarity with palm leaves. I don't even know where they got those in this climate.

The remaining guards eventually returned with their special equipment. Turns out it was a battering ram.

I laughed out loud. They just skipped the crowbars and such for the nuclear option. They were really gonna break the door into splinters out of spite.

They set up their siege, but not before noticing that half their number was occupied. Instant frustration surged through their ranks. Then Boot Licker said something to the one in charge and pointed at me, no doubt blaming me (and justly so) for the distraction. They shook their heads at me and went back to their mission.

So they went for it. The big ram reared back and slammed into the door with vicious force. No dice, no surprise. Turns out using magic barriers to hold a door closed were more powerful than a large rod of hard wood.

This was another half hour of effort on their part. Repeated impacts on my house did nothing to get them inside. It was loud, though. My neighbors and random ponies in the area stopped to watch this growing spectacle. Rumors were already flying around about what I was hiding in there that was so important.

It also turns out I have a reputation. I thought it was strange. Like, I didn't get into mischief that often, did I?

The eight remaining stallions not distracted by tail pulled back for another attempt. They threw everything they had in one last attack, screams of frustration filled the air in the vain hope their little toy could do the job. The ram shot forward like a bat out of hell, hit the door, and splintered apart.

I made no effort in hiding my laughter at their impotence. The shame-faced guards glared petulantly at the vicious mockery. Who knew what they were gonna try next?

Well, they tried lockpicks, body slams and battering rams. They were quickly running out of options. Discussion emerged about what else they could possibly do. The growing consensus was getting specialized help from Canterlot, a unicorn mage with expertise in subverting abjuration.

Then one of the younger guys had a bright idea. "Why don't we use that window over there?"

My laughter doubled.

So the whole lot of them stacked up by the kitchen window and smashed it with a brick.

"You guys are gonna pay for that, by the way." I called out. They ignored me.

One by one, they climbed through the now broken window. I figured it was time to go in myself, so I stood off my chair with a languid stretch and a steady pace to the still unscathed door. A flash of magic was all it took for the door to creak open right in front of the guards now occupying my library.

They gaped with exasperation I thought wasn't possible. "You mean you could have opened that this whole time?"

I shrugged and trudged to a nearby chair with a easy smile. "I guess so. I'm such an airhead, aren't I?"

Silence, except for the gnashing of teeth.

The stallion in charge bellowed out an order. "Search everything. And be rough about it."

And by "rough", he meant ransack my damn house. They offered no mercy to my poor library, immediately throwing books off the shelves with no care about their condition. They scoured the shelves of anything that looked like a secret compartment, tossed about the furniture, and knocked over my statue which shattered into pieces.

"Hey hey, that shit is public property! This is the library's operational budget you're fuckin' with!"

One of the stallions scoffed, ignoring me and more concerned about their destructive search pattern. "Nothing here. I'm going to the kitchen."

His search through my kitchen was as destructive as the living room. I heard my fridge opening and its shelves clattering against the floor. He soon went through cabinets and cutlery like he was just vengefully destroying my property without care of his real job.

"Hey assface, my kitchen had better be useable when you're done!"

A few of the stallions went upstairs, and the cycle continued. Blades cut open every bed and pillow I had without care, and every container was busted open. Nothing was untouched, or unbroken by vindictive guards.

They searched my house high and low, but found no money or gems to confiscate. When the guards all reported this to the tax pony, he seethed and stormed up to me, who was even more infuriated than him. "Where are all the hidden funds you had?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I growled out.

"The hidden caches of gold and gems! Captain Shining Armor said you had at least five of them!"

Oh, so that little bitch was behind this after all. And he only found five of them, the fool. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"The reason we were told to come here in the first place! We had explicit orders to find them based on his own observations!"

"You broke into my house and broke all my shit on his orders?"

"Yes! He told us you were a criminal!"

"Oh, alright. You wanna know something?" I leaned in, growling low and glaring threateningly. "You'll be hearing from my fucking lawyer."

The sniveling little shit snorted and stomped out of my house, figuring he wouldn't be getting anything out of me. The other disheartened stallions filed out in single file, shooting me acrid glares as they passed. Despite the mess my house became, I knew this was a victory on my part, so I held an even expression to each of them.

The last guard faltered in front of me, letting his fellows gain some distance. When he turned to me, I was expecting a veiled threat or an insult from a wounded soul.

"I know who you are. Hail Chrysalis."

I didn't show it, but that took me by surprise. He walked by with a sly smile and disappeared into the distance with the others. I slowly closed the door, turning back to the disaster zone that my house became. "What the hell does that mean?"

Regardless, I had more immediate concerns. My house needed extensive repairs to its furniture, I needed to buy more food, rearrange the books they scattered all over, and file a lawsuit.

The lawsuit never went to court. They kept rescheduling on me, so that was a bust. Assholes. The only consolation I had was that the amount of money I moved around was more than enough to replace what they did.

But that made me wonder what Shining Armor was thinking. This had to be his doing, but this was such a petty attack on my defenses that I had to wonder what his endgame was. Logic dictated that his first strike would be against the credibility of my identity, so why didn't he get Twilight's parents involved? Spike immediately went on the offensive when he figured me out, and Shining has way more material to work with. What was this supposed to accomplish?

Shit, I knew what this was: he was preparing the battlefield. He was trying to frustrate me into breaking my mask. No doubt this would be the first in a long line of harassing strikes against me.

Fine then, I'll play that game. If he wants a war, he's got one.

Advice From a Librarian

I sat in the ruins of my library, taking long, mournful swigs of a large brown bottle. It was getting to be mid-afternoon, and I had yet to gather the energy to do something productive. I dunno, man, seeing your home wrecked like that was an ordeal. All I could do was think.

The front door opened to a girlish yelp of horror. Hello Rarity, welcome to my crib.

"Darling, whatever happened to your house? It's a disaster!"

I groaned and slid a little in my chair. "The guards couldn't take a joke."

That jab didn't help as much as I thought it would, as Rarity only asked her questions louder. "What kind of joke is worth all this?"

"Just a simple knock-knock joke. Totally harmless."

"I doubt it was as innocent as you claim." She accused with a narrow glare.

"Hey, they're the ones who reacted by breaking my stuff. Hold them accountable for being sensitive bitches!"

Rarity scoffed in offense. "Why must it always come down to foul language with you?"

"Well I'm not a very good pony, what do you expect?"

She groaned, clearly unwilling to continue that argument. "So what will you do now?"

"First things first." I raised my bottle. "I'm gonna finish this." Bottoms went up.

"Right, then what?"

I set my bottle down on my leg with an audible smack. "I'm gonna stab the tax pony."

"Please don't. I don't want one of my friends in jail."

I groaned. "Not even fire-bombing his office?"

"I do believe that would be worse."

I sighed, dejected at the loss of the more therapeutic methods of revenge. "Then I guess I'd better get my camera to get some evidence. And find a real shark of lawyer."

Rarity smiled, patting me on the shoulder like I'm a well-behaved child. "There we go. That would be an appropriate response."

I glared lightly. "Your patronizing is really hurting my feelings, you know."

"Don't take it too hard, darling." She smiled proudly. "I'm only trying to reinforce positive behavior."

"You make me sound like a dog in training."

"Or an overgrown child." She countered glibly.

All I could do at that was grumble. Stupid unicorns and their words.

It didn't take much longer for Spike to come home and see the library, too. He leveled a flat glare at me, certain of one thing. "What did you do?"

"Man, why is always supposedly my fault when something happens?" I argued defensively.

"Because it is?" He shot back.

I gnashed my teeth. "I'd resent that if it weren't true."

"Did you pull another Philomena Incident?"

I sighed, defeated. "Yes."

"Oh, come on!" He shouted in outrage.

"They shouldn't make such easy targets!"

"And you shouldn't antagonize the ponies watching you!"

"That's..." I pressed my lips together and thought that over. "... a very good point."

"So you're gonna stop going after the guards like this?"

"Hell no, this is war."

A fourth voice entered the fray from right beside me. "I knew it!" A cloth blending in to the wall fell, revealing the accusing glare of Sweetie Drops. Evidently, she snuck in with the guards, or I would have sensed her coming it. "I knew you were planning an invasion! Tell me what you know, or I'll-"

With my magic, I scruffed up the back of her neck like she was an unruly kitten, and dragged her to the window. Without pausing to open it, I smashed her bodily through the whole thing. "Fuck off!"

She stuck her head back in through the broken glass, cuts on her face dipping slightly. "This isn't over!" And she stomped off.

"Did Bon Bon have a reason to be here?" Rarity asked.

"Yes."

And that was that. Moving on, Rarity suggested something as generous as her Element demands. "Well, I would hate for my friends to live in this disaster. If you would like, you could spent the night at my house."

Spike gasped. "S-stay? In your house?" Color spread on his face.

I side-eyed my dragon brother with good humor. "That sounds wonderful."

And that was the plan. We left the library shortly after and slept in Rarity's guest room. Spike and I had our work cut out for us the next day.

It was time for us to play "crime scene investigator". With a camera we bought from the market, we methodically catalogued everything that was damaged and thrown around. Books were stacked on one end for sorting, destroyed cushions and rubble from my beautiful statue were piled in the corner, and overturned furniture was replaced. A camera flash preceded every action we took in restoring our home.

"And here's a volume of Daring Do." I narrated. Holding it out in my magic, Spike snapped a photo of the bent cover. We were at that for a few hours. Most of the main floor was looking fine, so that left us with the kitchen and the bedroom.

"Want to take a break?" Spike asked. "We've got one room done, and we'll need another roll of film, anyways."

"Sure, let's take a breather."

It was mid-day, so we decided to get some lunch. I took a quick trip to this restaurant run by a guy named Stromboli. Weird dude, but makes killer calzones. Setting up our meal in the main room, we had our meal(s) before us.

"So what's the plan after this?" Spike waved his claw around the room.

"I found an ad for some attorney named Dog Bite. He lives a few roads down, so I'll give him a shout tomorrow."

Spike huffed into his blackened calzone. "Weird name."

"Yeah, not everypony is blessed enough to have names befitting their profession." I agreed, chewing some apart some of that glorious cheese pouring out of its shell.

The front door slammed open, shocking me into throwing my food into the air. I swung around with my hooves up for a fight, before my horn speared my falling calzone. Face then covered in oozing cheese, I pulled it aside to see our new guests.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders slammed the door shut behind them, letting out a collective breath of frustration. Apple Bloom spoke up to coincidentally explain why they barged into my house without knocking. "I'm so sick and tired of Diamond Tiara!"

"Ugh, she's so annoying!" Scootaloo added.

"Why does she have to be so mean all the time?" Sweetie Belle asked tearfully.

I settled back into my chair, prying my food off my horn and taking a small bite. "Rough morning, girls?"

Attention now grabbed, Sweetie Belle noticed the mess on my face. "You have white stuff on your face."

I snorted at the implication. "Ricotta cheese, don't worry about it."

The girls only then looked around the library, noticing the half-empty shelves and stacks of disorderly books. "What happened here?"

"A problem similar to yours, I'd imagine." I replied leadingly.

At this, the girls sighed and sat in adjacent chairs. Spike and I continued eating our food while they began their tale of great woe: a story of schoolyard bullying. The girls were driving around, raising hell when they stopped for something. Too bad Diamond Tiara and her bitch friend were nearby. They strolled on over to throw around some insults. I wasn't so sure why "blank-flank" was a big insult, but I also wasn't a pony, so I didn't ask about it. The point is that their entire morning was ruined by a few snobs. They essentially popped into my house for a breather.

"I'm so sick of this!" Apple Bloom huffed. "We didn't do nuthin' to her. Why's she always bothering us?"

It took me a minute to realize that they wanted an actual answer. "Uh, are you sure you should be asking me? I don't think your sisters would appreciate me giving you advice." Largely because they know my advice is 'punch her in the face'. "Why not ask them?"

"We have asked them. They just keep saying that they like us and are too insecure to say it." Sweetie pouted.

That was total bullshit, of course. Bullying was a way for weak people to feel strong against passive targets. The only way to correct their behavior was to teach them the hard way that further harassment meant a bloody face.

Not that I could say all that to kids whose families knew me personally. The last thing I wanted was for Rarity to kick my ass while Applejack holds me down. Still, these fillies needed advice, and their misguided siblings kept filling their minds with worthless garbage. I shot Spike a look, and he just shrugged. He apparently had no ideas, either.

So that left me and my diabolical mind. I had plenty of experience in fighting bullies, and some experience in outsmarting them.

"Hmm, the only reason they pick on you is because they get something they want out of it."

"Like what, candy?" Scootaloo asked.

Yeah, they had no idea. "It's your reactions. You react with hurt and anger, which is exactly what they want."

"But how are we supposed to act? They keep saying mean things, so of course we get hurt!" Sweetie Belle argued.

"Well, you give them a reaction they don't expect. So I say next time they tease you, you take a deep breath and give 'em a big ol' hug."

Scootaloo instantly lashed out at the idea. "But we hate her! Why would we do that?"

I chuckled evilly. "Because it would frustrate them to no end. They live off the accumulated misery of their peers, so give them some love, and it's like salt to a slug. They'll burn and shout and scream at how much they hate you. It only works once, but it'll keep Dumb and Dumber out of your manes for a while."

The girls wordlessly conversed on the idea. They must have thought it had merit, because Apple Bloom spoke up with hesitant approval. "Well, I guess we can give it a try. If it'll get Diamond Tiara off our backs, then it's worth it."

I smiled, content with my good deed for the day. That, and I doubt the RariJack tag team would find much reason to smash me to pieces with this advice. "Happy to help!"

The girls eventually left, buzzing away on that deathtrap of theirs. I turned back to the table of food, stuffing my face once more with the greatest food in the world.

Spike slurped from his cup in contemplation, thankfully not judging me for shitty advice. "Are you sure that'll work? I don't think bullies are that easy to get rid of."

"They're not." I agreed. "Violence is the only permanent solution to that problem. I just said something that wouldn't get Applejack over here to show me what real southern hospitality looks like."

"Is that a human thing?"

"Yes."

He nodded, figuring I knew what I was doing. I did, naturally. I'm sure the Crusaders would put it into practice and get a funny story out of it.

As it turns out, they did.

Sometimes I wish I wore a hat, that way I could hang it on a hook by the door when I arrive in the house. There's something final about disrobing in your home after a trip outside. Alas, the only articles of clothing I owned were a set of underwear and some tights that I don't wear anymore.

Well, that and the armor I had downstairs. I was sure that would be useful for something down the line.

In any case, the library looked perfectly fine after the previous day's clean up. Some books were missing, sure, and the kick-ass statue I made was shattered, and the furniture was cracked and...

Shit, I was getting angry again.

I shook my head to rattle the thoughts back into their cage and popped into the kitchen for a drink. Spike was sitting there with a magic book. A brief flare of pride shot through my mind when I grabbed a bottle from the fridge.

"He take the case?" He asked, glancing away from his book.

"Yeah, he is." My magic popped the cap into the trash and the delicious bottled drink went straight to my mouth. "Seems a little sleazy, but that just means he'll pull any dirty trick for a victory."

"Sounds shady."

"Sounds perfect." I corrected. If Equestria had a mafia, I'd hire one of their lawyers if it meant giving the government an embarrassing defeat.

Spike rolled his eyes and bookmarked his progress. "I'm starting to think you're legitimately evil."

"I am, I'm just obfuscating kindness."

Spike rolled his eyes again, following me into the library's main room. "Not very well."

I shrugged it off. "It's a work in progress." We settled into some chairs, ready to continue our conversation. "How about you? You get very far in your magic studies?"

Spike nodded happily. "Yeah, I'm a couple of chapters into the beginner's book. There's a lot information to sort through, you know?"

I did understand. All those glyphs and stuff make your head hurt when you're just getting started. "You'll get a hang of them. It took me a couple of months to get where I am."

"It's hard to think you've only known magic when you first got here. You're really powerful."

"Eh, it's all a matter of studying. I got the hang of it."

"Twilight was studying for years, and she didn't get as powerful as you."

That gave me pause, because there was no way Twilight was weaker than me. "Didn't she also focus on theory? Because I've been focused on practical application."

"Yeah, I guess." Spike's thoughts rumbled for a bit. "She's always been a magical prodigy, maybe she would be just as strong."

"Stronger." I corrected quickly. "She's been at this magic game her whole life, while I'm just a newcomer."

Spike looked conflicted about that, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. It wasn't that much of a leap, right? Twilight would naturally be my superior in these things when she came back.

And as much as I would love to continue that conversation, the library door slammed open again, and shut just as quickly and forcefully. It was Apple Bloom again, and she propped against the door like there would be a monster bashing it open. "Twilight, you gotta help me!"

"What is it?" I stood up with my horn alight, ready to summon a weapon at a moment's notice.

"You remember that advice you gave us yesterday?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, I tried it, and it worked."

I killed the power in my horn, figuring there was no danger. "Okay..."

"But it worked too well." She looked especially panicked, then. "Now she wants to go shopping with me!"

Either through exasperation or disbelief, my eyes narrowed. "That doesn't sound right. Bullies don't just flip like that."

"Diamond did!" She exclaimed. "She teased us like usual, and then I hugged her, and then she got starry-eyed."

In Equestria, "starry-eyed" is typically used literally. Something about magic ponies and emotional resonance make their eyes more expressive, so I had no doubt she meant Diamond showed a clear positive response to physical affection.

This was unusual, of course. Diamond would only react like that if she was a love-starved child desperate for attention. But then why would she be such a bitch if that's what she wanted? What sense does it make to seek love through altercation?

"So what do I do?" She asked, growing frenzied.

Shit, that was a good question. I didn't have the experience for this. My usual methods of conflict resolution are inadequate here. Moreover, it didn't sound like a conflict. This was a... friendship problem?

Dazedly, I attempted an answer. "I think you should continue being nice. If she's extending an olive branch, then I'd say you should explore the possibility that she's being genuine."

"But it's Diamond Tiara! I don't like her!"

"That could change faster than you think." I supplied. "A mere hug opened the door to reconciliation, so perhaps a continuous stream of friendly gestures could help her be an unexpected friend?"

Apple Bloom wasn't so sure. "Well, I guess I could try. I mean, it would be nice if she weren't so mean all the time."

I nodded. "Yeah, maybe she just needs to see that not everypony is an enemy. Try being a friend, and seek help if something goes wrong."

"Thanks Twilight, I will." She left shortly after.

What the hell was that? I looked out the window, watching her walk down the street like she would be leading to my answer. She turned around a corner before then, however. That left me with my confusion, which wasn't abating without serious thought.

To continue my earlier sentiment, this was unusual because people don't stop being assholes unless you give them a physical (and painful) reason to stop. Pain is an efficient teacher like that. But Diamond Tiara looks like an exception to that. If anything, this whole deal with her reminds me of something.

This school year was the same as all the others.

The boys in class were cruel to me. No surprise, since being the only boy who likes "girly" things makes you a target. Naturally, I found refuge with the girls. Girls have always been on the hunt for a gay boy to trot around like a fashionable accessory, but if it meant a break from the constant ridicule from my male peers, then I'd play along. Boring conversations where the girls endlessly fantasized about weddings and mansions were tedious, but I bore it all without complaint.

There was one girl who changed that routine, though. A blonde bimbo named Cindy, who was very popular among the others. She was the poster child for youthful beauty, and she had the personality to stay on top of whatever hierarchy she chose to conquer. Naturally, this fifth grade classroom was like molding clay to an artist like her. After a while, I even came to like her. She was among the first to stand in my defense, graciously allowing me into her circle.

For about a month, anyway.

Shockingly enough, she got tired of having a boy in her group of friends. It started with little sniping comments about my habits, then escalating into my appearance. She got tired of acting like I was somebody, and she openly attacked my supposed sexuality in short order. Turns out girls hate the gays, too.

Then her bitch friends noticed my social vulnerability, and took the opportunity to snap and tear into me like the bottom-feeding filth they were. A mere three months into the school year, and I was completely isolated. It never even occurred to me to ask why she would turn so suddenly. As far as I figured, she was a faking bitch just like everyone else.

But I was never one to let things slide. As much as I hated the others for their part in hurting me, I could never forgive the girl who I once thought was better. She betrayed me, and I wanted revenge.

I couldn't do what I'd usually do. Boys hitting girls was never okay, because girls are implicitly weaker than boys, and need protection from consequences. I'd need to be creative.

So I watched her for weeks. She laughed with her friends and joined the mocking laughter when it was time for my routine humiliation. She was oddly reserved in her laughter, but I figured it was because she was truly an emotionless cow.

I discovered a weakness one day, a critical habit of hers that made her vulnerable. Every time the bell rang for recess, she would dash for the door without heed for her surroundings. All I needed was an opportunity.

Then came the day where everyone was particularly unobservant. With my classmates shoving their heads in the clouds, I sunk to the floor and crawled under her desk. With great care, I untied her shoes and knotted the laces together. Left shoe connected to the right, I retreated back to my seat and hunched my shoulders like a passive little victim. No one suspected a thing.

I watched and waited with glee as the clock ticked by.

The bell rang, and Cindy rocketed out of her seat like she always did. Only this time, her feet didn't cooperate. As soon as she got up, she toppled over like a tree. She fell to her right, face colliding with the neighboring desk. The bang that sounded stopped the usual hubbub of excited children. All was silent for one tense minute.

And then the crying started. Cindy held her face in her hands and wailed like never before. The other students backed away as if to claim innocence through distance, and the teacher ran over to see what happened. When she removed her hands for a brief moment, I saw the blood pouring out of her nose. Her face was twisted in pain and panic. She was a complete mess.

I couldn't take it. I held by breath, hands over my nose and mouth. The rest of the class saw me run outside, seeing the sensitive little boy running from the sight of blood. They said I was a scaredy-cat. They could think that about me all they wanted. As I ran, I knew I had to leave before it came out.

I couldn't let anyone see me laughing.

"Dusk?"

Spike's question shook me out of my thoughts. "Yeah?"

"You were staring out there for a while. Are you okay?"

I nodded, because of course I was okay. The memory that came back to me was a happy one, though now it seemed a little sour. Why was that? Was I supposed to feel guilty for giving some bully what she deserved? Well screw her, she was just lucky I didn't put her in the hospital.

Longer than a week, anyway.

But as I thought on my actions that day (the continuation of which reduced the bullying in class by the way), I wondered how they might connect to what happened with Diamond Tiara.

I didn't like the implications. If my conclusion was true, then I wasn't as good a person as I thought (and I didn't think highly of myself in the first place). Every choice I've made since arriving here was suspect. Was I right to challenge Gilda? Was I justified in attacking that dragon on the mountain?

My approach to conflict needed to change, and time would tell if I was good enough to try.

Friendship is Obligatory: Part 1

Friendship is Obligatory: Part 1

My blurry vision gradually cleared, the glaring white I saw for the past five minutes fading away. My eyes opened to see the world rushing past me, as if I was being dragged along. I focused my eyes on the landscape, a lush green field flying by. Actually, as I turned to my left, I realized that I was the one who was flying. White pegasi (you know, like the winged horses?) in regal gold armor were pulling a chariot through the sky. A chariot I was currently riding in, so I was essentially being dragged along somewhere.

My mind went back to reflect on the events that brought me here. Last I remember, I was walking through a flea market, shopping for DVDs and old video games, when I found a guy manning a flower stall. What was really strange about this guy was that he was selling "reagents", according to the sign. More to the point, he was wearing one of the dresses that Merlin would wear, complete with the pointy star hat. So I was thinking that he was a cosplayer taking things a little too seriously, right? I'll admit, I was being a bit of a prick, but I walked up to him and asking if he knew any spells. He said yes, and I asked him if he could conjure up a calendar that would tell him what century it was. He obviously sensed some mocking in my tone, so he tried telling me to leave him alone. I could have listened, but no, I just had to keep pushing. I just kept telling wizard joke after wizard joke, making him angrier and angrier. Eventually, I told him that wizards wear dresses because that was the only way they could associate with women, and he snapped. He jumped up from his chair, and started ranting like a madman, waving his arms around, telling me about how I need to "learn how to behave" or some shit. I wasn't really paying attention. Though, I wish I was, because he then punched me right in the heart with a glowing fist, and my vision went white.

So, now a couple of royal pegasi are pulling my chariot to my presumed judgement. It's funny, I was told that when I die (and I didn't expect a wizard punching me in the soul to be the way to go), I would be standing in front of some golden gates while an angel reads my sins off a scroll. I wasn't expecting the angels to be horses. Maybe if I get revived, I could write one of those "Guy Goes to Heaven and Details His Experiences" books that seem to be popular.

I sighed, and held my arms over the side of the chariot. Sure, I normally wouldn't feel very comfortable with my extremities outside a moving vehicle, but I was already dead. What was going to happen if I fell, I'd die again?

So I went to lay my head on my arms, when I noticed that my arms were purple, and fuzzy. And my hands were missing. No, it seemed that my arms were replaced by the legs of a technicolor horse. I looked over at my legs, and yes, there were hooves there, too. In fact, my entire body was replaced by equine features. I had a slim barrel, a tail trailing behind me, a mane longer than my usual haircut going down my neck, and... was that a tattoo on my ass? Okay, so I'm not dead. It's worse than that. Not only am I a horse, but I'm a horse with a night's worth of regrets sketched permanently on a private part.

I thunked my head on the railing of the chariot. I certainly learned my lesson: Don't mess with guys wearing dresses. You never know when they might be a wizard.

At this point, I realized that someone was talking behind me. I turned to face him, and I recoiled in shock. A small humanoid lizard with purple and green coloration, was reading from a scroll. I swear, if this tiny Barney-wannabe motherfucker is reading my sins...

Fortunately for the world, the lizard was only reading a letter. "And, I have an even more essential task for you to complete:" The lizard leaned over to me, as if to emphasize its importance. "Make some friends!" He gave me a large smile, expecting me to say something.

My mind tumbled around in place for a second, and I struggled to give a response. "Uh... I guess I'd better get started on that." I said uncertainly.

This seemed to satisfy the unnamed lizard. "That's the spirit, Twilight!"

Oh. I get it now. I'm not dead. My situation isn't even as easy as a simple transformation and teleport. I replaced someone from some weird universe, and everyone thinks that I'm that person. The biggest problem with this is that I'm a freaking horse! A talking horse, but that's still going to make communicating with others really difficult. Then again, I was talking to an anthropomorphic lizard, so I guess I'm overreacting.

Wait, I'm not overreacting, I'm under-reacting! I didn't even know that magic existed until just a few minutes ago, and I'm now in a magical dreamland as a talking horse with a tattoo on her ass! And yes, I used to be a guy. Take it from a (former) man, but when certain parts of our anatomy are missing, we tend to notice.

I stared ahead, taking it all in. I don't know anything about where I am, who I am, or what I'm doing. I supposed that I could try explaining the situation to someone, but I doubted that would do much good. Just imagine for a moment that someone you were very familiar with came up to you and said that they were actually an alien who replaced the real person, and wanted your help to return home. You'd say that they were crazy! Thinking back on my half-remembered encounter with the wizard, I realized that he sent me here like this for a reason.

Have you ever seen Quantum Leap? Because my situation was probably that. More than likely, that guy wanted me to be here, do something, and learn from the experience. Once I do what I need to and learn something cheesy, I'd return home.

And kick some wizard ass.

So that's it. I'll just play along. That wizard wants me to be Twilight? Then I'll be Twilight.

Hopefully not for long.

The chariot was descending into some small town. It was one of those old medieval towns with the simple houses with plain wooden roofs, but more vibrantly colored, as if I was in some kind of cartoon. It looked inviting enough, so I wasn't really worried about fighting some big monster. What was the worst thing here, a few brats that take your wallet? Oh man, if only I had some way to carry valuables with me.

The chariot was brought down into the town, and I looked around, taking note of everyone I saw. Remember how I was a purple horse? It turns out that I'm not an exception to the population. There were candy colored horses everywhere, smiling like they had no cares in the world. It was a comforting atmosphere, especially once I noticed that everyone also had tattoos on their asses. That made me feel a bit better about my tattoo, since it seemed that butt markings were the norm.

The lizard hopped off the chariot when we made a complete stop, thanking the pegasi for the lift. He turned to me, waving me over. "Come on, Twilight! Let's get going!" He said, enthusiastically beckoning me.

I blinked, confirming in my head what the lizard wanted from me. "Uh, yeah, sure. Let's go." I hopped off, subconsciously trying to stand on two legs because my brain hasn't fully comprehended that I was now a quadruped. For my efforts, I slammed face first into the dirt.

"Oh my gosh, Twilight! Are you okay?" The lizard asked, concerned for my well-being.

I quickly stood up on three hooves, holding the other to my sore face. "Yeah!" I yelled quickly. "I just have jet-lag, that's all."

The lizard glanced at the face-crater on the ground, then looked up at me with confusion. "What's jet-lag?"

I waved my hoof dismissively. "Don't worry about it, it goes away after a while."

The lizard nodded unsurely, but otherwise took my word for it. He unrolled a scroll and read a line. "So, we should get started on the preparations. The Summer Sun Celebration is tonight, after all."

I tilted my head at that. "Wait, I thought I was supposed to be making friends?"

The lizard gave me a suspicious look. "Now you want to make friends? But I thought you were more worried about Nightmare Moon."

I froze stiff. I was just caught in my act, and it didn't even take ten minutes. "Well... yeah, I'm still worried. I mean, I like sleeping, so why would I want any nightmares around?" I gave him a nervous smile. He wasn't taking.

I was going to continue yapping away, digging deeper into my hole, but something pink caught my eye. I turned to find a pink mare with a poofy mane giving me a long, scrutinizing glare, standing right beside me. The moment I looked into her eyes, her's widened in shock. She made a loud, prolonged gasp, jumping high into the air. If wasn't so confused, I would have been impressed by her vertical leap. She sprinted away into a blur before I could even say anything.

The lizard and I looked at each other again. "I'm not that scary, am I?" I asked.

"I don't think so." The lizard replied. He placed a finger on his chin. "Hey, what were we talking about, again?"

I held back a sigh of relief. It seemed my cover hasn't been blown yet. "I can't remember, either. So, where are we supposed to go?"

The lizard consulted the scroll. "Let's see. 'Banquet Preparations: Sweet Apple Acres.' It's the first thing on the list, so let's go there first."

I nodded, just going along with whatever the lizard was saying. I hoped that I could avoid any further incidents before this was over.

Walking to Sweet Apple Acres was a chore. When I first started walking, I lost my balance often. The lizard gained a lot of ground on me because of my disorientation, and he had to stop to make sure I was okay. I yelled the universal excuse of "JET-LAG!" until he dropped it and watched over me with worry. Eventually, I steadied myself, and I start walking slowly. As we made distance, I started to pick up the pace. After a while, I was walking at what most would consider a moderate pace, and we made it to the apple farm.

Yep, it was a farm, all right. There were rows of vegetables, a chicken coop, a barn, and a house in the distance. Oh, and you can't forget the apple trees. They were everywhere. There were trees as far as the eye could see, shiny red orbs hanging off every single one of them.

Three guesses as to what their major cash crop was.

A loud "Yeehaw!" sounded nearby, made by an orange mare wearing a country hat galloping by the trees. She stopped in front of one of them, and spun around to buck that tree right in the bark. The kick was so hardcore, that the apples in the tree fell neatly into buckets below. I had to say, that was impressive. And just as I was about to ask how hooved creatures harvest fruit from trees...

The lizard elbowed me in the chest, motioning me to talk to the mare. I went up to her, and smiled. She smiled back. "Hello, how are you today?" I asked.

"Mighty fine, how are ya?" she responded with a thick country accent.

"Good." I extended a hoof for a handshake without really thinking about it. "I'm Twilight." I looked down at my proffered hoof. I just realized that I may have made a mistake in trying to shake hooves with a horse.

That fear was dispelled quickly when the mare wrapped her hooves around my own and shook it violently. "Ahm Applejack! Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres! What can ah do for ya?" She stopped shaking my hoof, but even then my hoof was still sore from that relentless assault.

I stretched my hoof, trying to alleviate the pain. "I'm here because of that Celebration we're having. I'm just making sure that everything is good to go."

"Ah, you mean the Summer Sun Celebration! Yup, we were in charge of caterin' this year!" She beamed at this, obviously proud of what that meant. If only I knew what the Summer Sun Celebration was. Applejack's normal smile returned, though her pride still showed. "We're all set, here! Would you like to sample some?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea? This is the food for the Celebration, after all."

Applejack waved a dismissive hoof. "Aw, don't fret. We've got plenty!"

I nodded, more to look like I knew what I was doing than anything else. "Okay, sure. I'd like to see what's going to be there, anyways."

Applejack gave me a big smile, and went over to a nearby tree with a triangle hanging off of it. She grabbed a spoon with a hoof (HOW?), and rang it loudly. "Soup's on, everypony!" She yelled.

Her call must have destroyed a nearby dam, because a loud rumbling was approaching me from behind. When I turned to face it, I saw a stampede of candy-colored horses rushing in my direction. I would have screamed in terror, but the mare in front of the pack was nice enough to throw me up onto the horde, turning a potential trampling into a forced crowd surfing.

They dumped both the lizard and myself onto picnic table, where I was trying to catch my breath and make sense of what just happened. Due to the recent trauma, I wasn't paying any attention to Applejack, who was busy introducing every single member of her extended family to me. I only caught the last three, when I finally got my bearings. She pointed at a big red stallion that she named Big McIntosh, a yellow filly with a pink bow she named Apple Bloom, and an ancient green mare named Granny Smith. I mean, damn, she must be old if her name is actually Granny Smith.

The whole time during introductions, everyone was placing apple-related treats on the table, which I guessed was the food they were going to serve. Applejack spoke next to me. "Well, what are ya waitin' for? Dig in!"

The ponies and lizard around me did just that, grabbing random food items from the table and chowing down with reckless abandon. The lack of table manners was a relief to me, since I would have to practice picking things up with my hooves like Applejack did. If I made a mess, no one would really notice. I looked over the food, but I noticed that there were no entrees.

"Uh, Applejack? Are we really eating dessert items for lunch?"

Applejack laughed at that. "We sure as sugar are!"

I smiled slyly. "I think I love you, already."

She laughed again, shoving a fritter into her mouth. I turned back to the food, and focused on a cupcake. I reached out for it, and made the same movements that I would usually make to grab something with my fingers. To my surprise, it worked, as the cupcake was now attached to my hoof. With a victorious smirk, I took a large bite and savored its apple-flavored goodness.

"So, where're ya from?" Applejack asked me.

The question caught me off guard. I swallowed my food and turned to the lizard, hoping to subtly get that info out of him. No dice, he was having a conversation with the filly, Apple Bloom. I had to say something, so I mumbled my answer. "Philadelphia."

"Fillydelphia, ya say? Ah hear that's a nice city. What's it like?"

I was so glad that Philadelphia sounded similar to a city that exists here. I looked to make sure the lizard was too busy to listen to me, and I started talking to Applejack, first about Philadelphia (never referencing humans in any way), and then this town of Ponyville. It was nice to relax somewhat after recent events.

Eating at Sweet Apple Acres was a satisfying experience. The lizard and I said our farewells, and we went on our merry way. I'll admit, I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, but at least now I'll be doing so with some food in my gut. Wasn't I some kind of manager? And what was this about a nightmare? And why was I being told to make some friends?

That would have to wait, because the lizard's voice brought me out of my musings. "Okay, next is the weather. A pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash is supposed to be clearing the sky."

What. How does a... wait. We're not horses, we're ponies? Aw, man, that makes things even more emasculating. Anyway, how do ponies clear the sky? Do they kick them like apple trees? Until I learn otherwise, that's what I'm going with.

I looked up to see the numerous clouds still in the sky. Considering it was after noon and the clouds weren't gone, Rainbow Dash was either very lazy, or clearing the sky was harder than it seemed.

Since I was too busy looking at clouds to see what was ahead of me, I stepped right into a mud puddle. I shook one of my muddy hooves clear of mud with disinterest. The lizard noticed this, and called my attention. "Uh, Twilight? You have mud on your hooves."

I gave him a deadpan frown. "Oh really? And here I thought I stepped in chocolate."

He was about to respond to that, when something splatted next to me, covering my side in mud. It was a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane, who was now covered in mud. Based on where she landed, if I were paying any attention to where I was going and walked around the mud puddle, she would have crashed right into me. That was lucky. "Are you okay?" I asked casually.

The pegasus jumped up from her prone position and shook off the mud, thankfully missing me. "I meant to do that."

Liar. "Uh huh. Anyway, you must be Rainbow Dash."

This perked her right up. "Yep, that's right! Why, you heard of me?"

"There's a pegasus named Rainbow Dash that's supposed to be keeping the sky clear, and you have a rainbow mane. I just put two and two together."

That answer seemed to disappoint her. "Yeah, well, you'll hear about me someday. I'll be in the Wonderbolts, you'll see!"

What the hell is a Wonderbolt? Are they important? You know what? No one cares. "Cool. Anyway, the sky is supposed to be clear for tonight."

Rainbow waved her hoof dismissively. "No problem. I can clear the sky in a jiffy." She made no move to do so.

Okay, since she was intent on standing still, I think I'll have to be the motivator. "No you can't."

Rainbow glared accusingly at me. "What did you say?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just that there are so many clouds!" I wailed in faux despair. "You won't be able to clear them before the Summer Fun Celebration tonight!"

The lizard tapped my shoulder. "Uh, Twilight? It's the Summer Sun Celebration, not the Summer Fun Celebration."

I waved my hoof dismissively. "Semantics."

The lizard gave me another suspicious glare, but Rainbow started talking first. "Hey, I'll have you know that I can clear these clouds in ten seconds flat!"

I smirked at her. "I hear a lot of talk, but I'm a man of action."

She raised an eyebrow at me. "Man of action? But aren't you a mare?"

I grunted in frustration at my slip. "Look, the point is, you can't do it."

Rainbow glared at me one second, then disappeared in a gust of wind. My mind processed the fact that she flew up into the air, and I looked up to see her. It was no use, she was so fast! My eyes couldn't follow her movements. The only hint of where she could be was when she smashed through clouds. Just as soon as it began, it was over. She landed in front of me with a smug look.

"See? Ten. Seconds. Flat. I told you I could do it."

I couldn't say anything. What could someone possibly say after everything they were taught about physics was revealed to be a lie? No living creature should be able to move that fast!

My dumbstruck expression was humorous enough for Rainbow Dash to start laughing. "You're pretty cool. We should hang out sometime." She continued to mock my understanding of physics by flying away upside down like she was lounging on a mattress.

"Whoa, she's amazing!" The lizard praised.

"Yeah, I guess she is."

The lizard opened the scroll, reading the next line. "Next is decorations. A unicorn named Rarity should be in charge of those."

The town hall was easy enough to find, as it was the largest building around, save the mansions in the distance. Inside, blue fabrics were draped around the room. Blue banners were flanking the central balcony, one with a sun and one with a moon. White flowers were hung over every doorway. Decorations looked to be nearly complete.

"Beautiful." The lizard admired.

"Eh, I could do without the flowers. Otherwise, it looks nice."

"Not the decor! Her." The lizard pointed at the lone unicorn, standing central to the room. The unicorn was a regal white, with a curly purple mane. Just a glance at her was enough to know her personality traits. She was posed like royalty, scrutinizing every ribbon that floated by her. I noticed that her horn was glowing with the same blue aura that surrounded every ribbon near her, so I guess unicorns can use magic.

"How are my spines? Are they straight?" Asked the lizard, fussing over his appearance.

I patted him on the shoulder. "Dude, relax." The lizard gave me another funny look, but I ignored him, approaching the unicorn. "Excuse me-"

"Just a moment, please!" She interrupted. "I'm in the zone, as it were." She went back to her ribbons, finally deciding to use a gaudy red one. Why did she need a ribbon on that pole, anyway? There are ribbons nowhere else in this room! The unicorn turned to speak to me. "Now, then, how can I- Waaahh!" Her sudden yell startled me. "Whatever happened to you?"

I looked over myself to see what she was talking about, and I realized that I was still covered in mud. "Oh, right. Do you know Rainbow Dash?"

"Ah." The unicorn nodded, indicating that she knew what I meant. "I understand."

"Yeah. So, anyway, I just needed to check on the decorations." I took an exaggerated look around. "And it seems it's all okay. I guess I'm done here."

"Don't you want to clean up?" She asked.

"There's a river just down the street, I think I'll just use that."

Strangely, this "Rarity" lady, for I assumed that was her name, was offended by that idea. "Oh, goodness, no! You really must take a proper bath!" She trotted by me, and that blue aura surrounded me, dragging me behind her.

This goddamn unicorn carried me in her magic all the way to her gaudy house. She couldn't have just let me walk, no. I already hate unicorns, and their freaking magic.

It doesn't matter that it was pretty fun hovering in the air like that. It's the principle that matters!

So she drags me all the way upstairs and draws a bath for me. As nice as that is, I really wish she could have let me walk. I noticed the lizard was floating beside me the entire time, but he wasn't surrounded by the glowing aura. Was the power of love giving him the ability to fly? What, are we operating under cartoon physics? Actually, that would explain Rainbow...

Rarity placed me down. "I'll be downstairs when you're finished. If you need anything, just let me know!" She left the bathroom closely by the lizard. When the door shut, I let out a sigh.

I climbed into the tub, and soaked in the tub's hot water, feeling more relaxed in an instant. Judging by how my day went so far, I would need to relax as much as possible before this was all over. I couldn't let the situation stress me out. I needed to think this out.

What was my end goal? What requirements must be met before I can go back home? All I knew so far was that I was Twilight, and I'm overseeing preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. If earlier conversation with the lizard was anything to go by, I have at least three goals: Prepare for the Celebration, do something about this "nightmare", and make some friends. How the third one applies to me, I'll never know, but the first two were probably more important. The celebration was already handled, it seemed, so that left the nightmare. Didn't he call it "Nightmare Moon"?

Now, considering my timely appearance, the Summer Sun Celebration and "Nightmare Moon" are possibly connected. But how, and why does a celebration based on the sun have anything to do with nightmares and the moon? I couldn't come to any conclusions without all of the information, so I decided that I would research as much as I could before the end of the day.

Eventually, I cleaned off the mud and emptied the tub. I went downstairs to find the lizard fawning over Rarity while they were holding a conversation. "Thanks for letting me use your bath, Rarity, but we should be going soon." I said.

She looked looked over and smiled at me. "It's no problem, darling. May I know your name?"

I nodded. "Twilight."

"It's good to meet you, Twilight. I hope we can talk again soon, hopefully under better circumstances."

I concurred and gathered my lizard friend, leaving Rarity behind with a friendly wave.

"Wasn't she wonderful?" Asked the daydreaming lizard. At some point, he hopped onto my back and let me do all the walking. Just as well, I suppose, since his constant daydreaming about Rarity was making him dead on his feet. My only problem about his choice to ride me was that I don't like being ridden.

"I suppose." I reluctantly agreed. It was very nice of her to let me use her bath and give me a chance to catch my breath from all this weirdness. That being said, I was trying to focus on the task at hand. "What's next on the list? We still have a job to do."

The lizard shook his fantasies away, and read from the list. "Oh, uh, music! It's the last one."

I smiled at that. Great, with this busywork out of the way, that would give me the chance I need to learn a thing or two about "Nightmare Moon" and its connection to the Summer Sun Celebration. To think, I was already on my way back home and I just got here.

Suck it, wizard.

I stopped when I heard an melodic series of bird whistling. Strange, did birds organize into orchestras here? This I had to see. The lizard hopped off my back as I walked over to the sound, crawling through some high (and very thick) bushes to find a bunch of birds in a tree, whistling along with the directions of a yellow coated, pink maned pegasus. I listened to the bird choir from my hiding place, amazed at the singing of the birds and the skill it must have taken for this pegasus to train them.

I noticed pretty quickly that the blue jay was singing awfully. I mean, this little bastard was probably doing it on purpose, he was so bad. Not only was he out of sync, and out of tune, he was looking the wrong way! What a little asshole! Naturally, the pegasus had to stop the practice just to set him straight. I couldn't hear what she was saying between my distance and her apparently low volume.

Like a dunce, I just realized that I had a job to do, so I stepped out of the bushes. "Hello!" I called from a distance.

This startled her, and her startled gasp frightened her birds, who flew away like the little cowards they were. She looked back at me, visibly trying to regain some composure.

I felt a little guilty for making her birds fly away like that, even though they would have flown away at anything. "Sorry about the birds. I was just checking on the music, and I heard their whistling."

The pegasus landed in front of me, pawing at the ground, avoiding eye-contact with me. I stood there for a moment, waiting for her to respond in some way. The silence was getting awkward, fast. I looked around for the lizard, but I couldn't see him anywhere. Judging by the slight rustling in the bushes, I guessed he was hiding in there for some reason. What the hell was he doing, rubbing one off?

I rolled my eyes at the thought, and turned back to the pegasus, who could only look at me from the corner of her eyes. She still avoided eye-contact. I sighed. "I'm Twilight. What's your name?"

"Um... I'm Flutter..."

Flutter? Was that what she said? I sighed again. "Well, you must be pretty talented to train those birds to sing like that. It was pretty good."

Flutter just shrunk behind her mane, squeaking something in response.

I closed my eyes and seethed in my mind. I tried polite conversation and I tried flattery. Since I doubted challenging would help me talk to her, I ran out of ideas. I was going to ask her if she was in charge of music, but she wouldn't even talk to me. You know what, fuck it. I have places to be. If anyone asks, I'll just say that I did my job and hope no one calls me out on it.

"Well, I'd better get going." I noticed her birds coming back, landing on the tree again. "Oh, and your birds came back. So, I'll just leave you to it."

Another squeak was her response.

I glared above me, cursing at whatever deity cursed this girl to be so passive. "Okay, see ya around." I walked back to the bushes, finding the lizard leaving the bushes at my approach. He looked a bit... relieved? Okay, I really don't want to know what he was doing back there.

I heard a loud gasp behind me, followed by a low voice yelling loudly. "A baby dragon!"

Before I could look behind me, Flutter slammed into me, flinging me away without any effort. Naturally, I landed on my face again, but I found that I was already used to such impacts. I recovered to see Flutter and the lizard talking for a bit.

"Oh, I've never seen a baby dragon before! And he's so cute!" Flutter internally squee'd at the lizard. Yeah, I have a few things to say about all this. For one thing, how can she be so scared of me, but this fanged beast that was following me all day is cute enough for her to... wait, did she call him a dragon? I've been following around a dragon all day!? A fucking dragon!

What? How was I supposed to know he was a dragon? He doesn't even have wings!

It was fortunate that neither of them were paying attention to me, because I don't think I would be able to smoothly explain why my eyes were bugging out. The dragon was smiling proudly, so I guess he was taking this well. Whatever, I had things to do. I needed to get out of here before something even crazier than Flutter flip-floping her personality on me happens. I forced a smile, trying to act calm. "Well, we'd better get going." I walked by the dragon, and he started following me.

"Wait!" Flutter trailed behind me, though she had her eyes on the dragon. "What's his name?"

I froze in place, suddenly petrified by the simple question. I've been here for hours, and I still had no idea what the dragon's name was. My mind raced for some kind of excuse or something to squeeze past this situation, but fortunately, the dragon spoke up to save me from my dilemma. "I'm Spike!"

Flutter gasped. "Oh my, he talks! I didn't know dragons could talk!" You and me, both, sis. "I just don't know what to to say!"

"Maybe you two could find something to talk about?" I suggested.

"Good idea, Twilight! What do you want to talk about?" The question was directed at Flutter.

"Well, I want to know more about you." Flutter said.

The dragon, Spike, nodded. "Okay, what do you wanna know?"

"Absolutely everything."

This piqued my interest. Here I was, a complete outsider, about to listen in on a very important conversation. I would need to know more about Spike, especially if I'm supposed to be close to him in some way. Were we friends? Mentor and student? Scribe and assistant? I was very interested to find out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for this opportunity to learn more about the dragon I was traveling with all day, but who knew his story would be.

So.

Fucking.

Tedious.

It took about an hour of him blathering away, during which we started circling around town because I didn't know where I was supposed to be going next. Eventually, I was able to sneak into the conversation to ask Spike where we were going, and I was pleased to hear that I was staying in the local library. A place filled with information? Sounds like the place I was looking for. Still, I had to listen to this shockingly boring story of a baby dragon.

Long story short, I was apparently responsible for hatching the dragon egg from which Spike hatched. Since then, I was taking care of him as a surrogate parent before he decided that he wanted to start helping me and became my "number one assistant". Details beyond that were sketchy (I may have zoned out a few times), but I was somewhat sure that Spike was supposed to be like a little brother to me. Being an only child, I can only imagine that pretending to be an elder sibling will be a difficult task.

Finally, we arrived at the library, and my first thought at the building was "Bitchin'". It was this gigantic tree with windows and balconies, a stargazing platform, and a door with a candle symbol on it. Sure, the beehive worried me a little, since I didn't know if this body was allergic to bees, but who cares? I'm staying in a big tree-for-a-house! Screw tree-houses, I lived in a tree!

My enthusiasm for my stay was hampered greatly by the exchange I heard from my followers.

"...and that's the story of my whole entire life! Well, up until today. Do you wanna hear about today?"

"Oh, yes, please!"

I groaned loudly, making extra sure that they could hear me, but I don't think they cared. Since I had no interest in hearing someone else talking about my day, I tried ignoring them as I opened the door with my strangely dexterous hooves. Spike followed me inside, but once we went inside the completely darkened room, Fluttershy seemingly disappeared.

"Hey, why's it so dark in here?" I heard Spike asked. Even better question: who closed the door on us? Great, now I couldn't see anything.

"Okay, please tell me we have some way of lighting this room." I groaned, half-pleadingly.

I think Spike was going to suggest something, but he was cut off when the room exploded with light, followed shortly by "SURPRISE!" being yelled by no less than fifty ponies. I jumped at the sudden noise, looking about at all the ponies that surrounded me. I should be surprised that these ponies were here, but in retrospect, it should have been obvious with the way my door was unlocked.

I was going to question how so many ponies fit so comfortably in the room, but I was brought out of my inquisitive mind by a poofy pink pony hopping up to me. "Surprise!" She shouted, as if I didn't understand what was happening (I didn't). "I'm Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you! Were you surprised? Were ya? Were ya? Huh huh huh?" She asked, bouncing around me the whole way.

I glared suspiciously at her. "How did you get in here? Did you break in?"

I couldn't tell if she giggled, or if she was just shaking with excitement and ignoring my question. "Remember me? I saw you earlier today while you were talking to that dragon, and I went up to you and I realized-" She stopped mid-sentence to mimic her large gasp from the first time we met. "See, that's because I didn't recognize you, and if I didn't recognize you, that must mean you're new, because I know everypony in Ponyville!"

I sat down, hoping in vain that I could keep up with her rambling. I was doing well so far, considering she spoke exclusively in run-on sentences. "And if you're new, that means you haven't met anyone yet, and if you haven't met anyone yet, you must not have any friends, and if you don't have any friends then you must be lonely, and that made me so sad, then I had an idea, and that's why I went-" She gasped again. "I must throw a great big ginormous super-duper spectacular welcome party and invite everyone in Ponyville! See? And now you have lots and lots of friends!" She stepped aside slightly so that I could see everyone that I met so far: Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Fluttershy, all of who were giving me welcoming smiles.

I blinked, processing as much of that rant as I could. I took a breath, and looked back at Pinkie, who was smiling expectantly, as if awaiting my approval. "So you threw a surprise party for me so I could make some friends?" I asked to get confirmation.

Pinkie nodded vigorously.

I smiled, looking slyly at Spike next to me. "And you were worried about me making friends." Spike glared light-heartedly at me, while I turned to Pinkie. "Well, alright, let's get some drinks out here and let's party!"

Pinkie giggled approvingly at my answer, and we all set out for the table with a large bowl of punch on it, complete with a ladle and a set of cups next to it. Though, what got my attention was an unlabeled brown bottle on another table, completely unopened. I grinned at the bottle. So it was that kind of party, huh? I figured this would be pretty juvenile with all the streamers and confetti, but I guess I was wrong if they were serving alcohol.

"I call dibs on that beer." I told the others, as I approached the bottle.

"What's beer?" I heard Pinkie ask. In hindsight, I probably should have picked up on that.

I corked open the bottle and drank from it. Setting the bottle down, I started to realize a few things pretty quickly. For one thing, that was some spicy beer. Thick, too. With how badly my mouth was burning and how hot the room suddenly became, I was starting to suspect it was actually hot sauce, and not beer. That was roughly the first half a second from my drink. Then the next second I came to the conclusion that I did not drink beer. It was, indeed, hot sauce. Really hot, hot sauce. My mane caught fire, it was so hot.

The next second, the urgency of my situation hit me like a brick, and I screamed noiselessly in my pain. I instinctively shoved my way to the punch bowl, and drank straight from the ladle, not bothering with the extra step of using a cup. It took five drinks before the burning subsided enough for me to think rationally again, and I gasped for breath with my head on the table.

"Are you alright, darling?" I heard Rarity ask.

I looked over to find the others looking at me with a small amount of worry. I steadied my breath. "You know what? I've had quite the day, and I'm getting tired." I tried hiding the exasperation in my voice, but I'm not sure how well I did. "I think I'm just going to pick up a book, and read myself to sleep upstairs."

No one stopped me from browsing some of the bookshelves for a book to read. They even wished me a good night, helping me find the book I needed. Myths and Prophecies. Hopefully this told me everything I needed to know. With the cover of bedtime reading, I doubted anyone would bother me during my research.

Damn ponies and their disco music. It hasn't been the Seventies for forty years! Play something more modern! Preferably power metal.

I already miss Blind Guardian.

After hours of such distractions, I finally finished reading the books I brought upstairs. I say books, because the one book I brought with me initially was not enough to learn everything I needed, so I made a few trips downstairs, made up an excuse about needing "something more boring to read" each time, and returned to my bed to continue reading. Strangely, Spike kept giving me funny looks whenever I made my excuses. I could figure that out later, though, because I needed to review my findings.

Based on my research, it seems that Nightmare Moon, also known as the Mare in the Moon, is an old pony's tale used regularly on a holiday called Nightmare Night to celebrate old horror stories. In this case, a story about an ancient evil alicorn whose name was lost to time, who became bitter and resentful towards her more beloved sister, and they battled over the right to rule their shared kingdom. The legend speaks of the Elements of Harmony, which the Good Sister used to banish her Evil Sister to the moon. More distressingly, the Evil Sister was said to have the power to move the moon in its orbit. I don't know how I could possibly stop such a powerful opponent, and the books say nothing about who the Good Sister is. Worse, if my calculations are right, Nightmare Moon was set to return tonight. Frighteningly accurate, I know, but that's what the books lead me to believe.

I looked at the clock in my room, and noticed that it said 4:02, so it must have been a little fast, or maybe I lost track of time. Checking outside, the stars that would "aid in her escape" were still where they were supposed to be, so I still had some time. That was good, because I needed some kind of plan. No way could I fight a mad goddess, and who knows how much truth there was to this legend. Was there even a Good Sister? If there was, is she still alive like her Evil Sister? The books give no hints as to the Good Sister's identity, nor were there any clues on where she might be after all this time. That left one final option. I would have to find the Elements of Harmony.

I didn't have much time. I mean, sure, I had a few hours left, if the speed and distance of the stars from the moon was any indication, but the sooner I found these artifacts, the better. I'd rather not risk the safety of this world or my chances on returning home by wasting too much time. However, these books said little about the Elements themselves, so I would need another book.

I got off the bed and walked down to the door, when it swung open suddenly, revealing Spike with a lampshade on his head. "Hey Twilight, it's almost time to watch the sunrise." He told me.

Right. Every year, at the Summer Sun Celebration, the ponies would watch the sunrise alongside their sovereign ruler, Princess Celestia. It seems I would be given the honor of being there this year. Still, I had to be as in-character as I could, and I couldn't just refuse going. Reluctantly, I nodded and followed Spike to the Town Hall, where most of the town ponies were milling about, listening to the one I assumed was the mayor giving some kind of speech. I half-listened, more in a hurry to leave and research the Elements than I was to celebrate. While I would most definitely miss these festivities, I would rest easy knowing that my saving of this world could be celebrated in private with tons of alcohol back home.

So I stood there, looking at nothing in particular, when my lazy gaze drifted up to the moon through the sun-roof. I noticed that the stars started moving faster than they did before. I stopped breathing when I realized what that meant. I was wrong. I didn't have hours, I had mere seconds to find the Elements before Nightmare Moon returned. My eyes were like pinpricks when the stars disappeared behind the moon, and the image of the Mare in the Moon, plainly visible at any other time, vanished.

I started breathing raggedly, paying attention once more to events around me. The mayor was finishing up with her speech, and was introducing the princess. "...the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria... Princess Celestia!" Finishing her introduction, the curtains were pulled. The ponies expected to see the princess in all her glory, but instead there was nothing. The ponies began to murmur. Princess Celestia never no-showed the Summer Sun Celebration. Seeing her missing now was starting to panic the others. For once, I was able to join in, perfectly aware as to what was happening.

My eyes locked on a blue cloud of magic where the Princess should have been. The cloud surged, then receded behind a frightening black winged unicorn, wearing olden battle regalia that marked her as a warrior. Her mane flowed freely in her power, blown by nonexistent winds. Her blue eyes were narrowed into dragon-like slits, which bore into everyone they saw. If there was a pony that could strike fear into the hearts of others, this was her. This was Nightmare Moon.

Spike passed out next to me. He couldn't handle this, and to be honest, I wasn't sure how I was still standing. Nightmare Moon stood tall, and looked among the crowd, no, she looked down on us.

"Oh, my beloved subjects." She began, her voice dripping with malice. "It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces." She spoke with such contempt, that I was surprised that she hadn't started attacking us yet out of cruelty.

"What did you do to our Princess!?" Rainbow demanded. She flew forward to charge at Nightmare Moon, but Applejack realized the futility in attacking, and caught her by the tail.

"Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?" Nightmare asked accusingly.

I breathed hard, trying to get my senses under control. I had to do something. I don't know what special abilities my persona has, but I knew that I was the one to stop this. But I needed time to figure out what that was. I needed the Elements, but I couldn't let this Nightmare stand around blasting random ponies. But I had no way of fighting back, and I doubted she would let me walk away. I figured it was time for another bluff.

I stood taller, trying to look more confident. "I know who you are." Nightmare Moon turned to regard me with a look of slight interest. "You're Nightmare Moon, the Mare in the Moon."

The ponies around me gasped, but Nightmare looked impressed at my knowledge. "So, somepony remembers me. Then you know why I'm here?"

I nodded, a slight glare on my face that I hoped came across as determined. "Yeah, I know exactly what you're going to do. But it won't work, for I alone know your secret weakness!"

Nightmare Moon, to her credit, didn't look very convinced. That didn't stop everyone else from gasping in surprise. "My secret weakness? Pray tell, what could that be?"

My face started to lose its edge, and I forced a crooked smile. "No, I don't really know your secret weakness. I'm just distracting you while an ambush party sneaks up on you right..." I looked just past her, as if I was looking at something behind her. Naturally, there was not. "Now."

Nightmare Moon spun around to face her phantom foes, but she realized too late that my entire speech was an elaborate bluff to distract her from my next course of action.

I picked up Spike, placed him on my back, and ran out of the building. I left behind a room filled with confused ponies and a bewildered goddess, who I could hear laughing at me from halfway to the library. She wasn't following me, which was good. I needed more time.

I needed to find the Elements of Harmony.

Ponies Suck at Social Studies

I sat in silence, the only noise in the library being Spike flipping through pages of some sci-fi novel. I dunno, I think it was about body snatchers or something. Spike's interest in literature wasn't my primary concern. I was more busy trying to determine whether or not I should unveil myself. I haven't made all that much progress during the last two and a half months, so I was likely in for the long haul.

I really wanted to tell someone about my secret identity, but there was a reason I haven't put much thought into it since I first arrived in Ponyville: it was risky. Twilight has a Goddess among her list of known acquaintances, who happened to be royalty as well. Right off the bat, I fear what could happen should she ever determine my true identity.

Imprisonment? Likely.

Exile? Also likely, but more favorable than life in prison, I must admit.

Banishment to a celestial body? This varies in severity depending on destination. With my luck, she could probably banish me to an all-water planet and I would die there. Note to self: research water-breathing spells.

And my personal favorite of possible consequences: outright execution.

Yeah, no way in hell I'm going to let her know about this. But what of my friends? Could I trust them with this? I considered that I would have won them over by now with how often I've been helping them with their problems. I'd bet Rainbow was more accepting because of my support at the Young Fliers' Competition, Applejack and I were probably on good terms since I organized help for Applebuck Season, Rarity knows how far I'm willing to go for her because of the diamond dogs, Fluttershy and I get along well enough, and as for Pinkie...

Well, I can't really say. Every time I try to imagine a hypothetical scenario involving her, imaginary Pinkie glares at me through the fourth wall and tells me to get real. So that's good, right? Isn't it?

What was the worst they could do? Attack me? Yeah, that would be pretty heart breaking. No, they would tell Celestia on me, and then I'd die in short order.

In short, revealing myself could quite literally get me killed in one of many ways. It's not hard to see why this was an intimidating prospect.

On the other hand, I wouldn't have to deal with deceiving my friends any longer. I would be able to mingle and converse with them as myself, using my real name. No longer would I be called "Twilight Sparkle". No more false pretenses; just me and my friends living happy lives. That thought alone was tempting, but it was unrealistic, even as far as my life goes. I still need to find the real Twilight and let her return to her body. Once that happens, I doubt I'll be able to remain in Equestria. Twilight was probably stuck in my body or something, and we would have to switch out. That would mean a one-way trip back home, and that would be all for my friendships in Equestria.

That's right, I had forgotten that I should distance myself from the others. Further developing my relationships with them would only hurt me in the end, as I would never see them again. It would be tragic if we become inseparable. The least painful option I have is to become more excluded from the group.

I didn't really want to do that. I still had my friends in the present, and who cares about the future? So what if things might suck some day? I'm in the here-and-now, where I can still be with the five who matter most to me. That said, I don't want to spend the rest of our time together with a lie. Every time they speak "my" name, I hurt a little inside. They are unaware of who I really am and consider me another pony. I don't want them to live with that delusion.

After hours of deliberation, I came to a decision. I don't want to lie to my friends. They have every right to know who they've been calling a friend for the past months. It was regrettable that I was lying to them for so long, so it's only fair that I come clean. By doing so, I'll have the support of five outstanding people who won't let me go through my struggles alone.

I was going to tell them all who and what I was. I was confident in them. I had faith in our friendship, for it wasn't just my facade that won them over. I knew that they would stick with me, because our friendship meant more than kind words and warm smiles. I was so confident in our friendship, that I was willing to bet my very life on it.

The sun was ready to set, bathing the fields around Fluttershy's cottage in it's grand orange glow. I knocked on the cottage door, and the shy mare soon answered its call. "Oh, hello Twilight. Thanks again for helping me with my modelling problem earlier." She said with a smile.

"Any time, Fluttershy." I replied. "Actually, I'm here because I want to invite you to Sugarcube Corner tomorrow."

"What's the occasion?"

My face lowered into a solemn frown that Fluttershy found unsettling. "There's something I need to tell you and the others. It's important."

Fluttershy shook at the severity of my tone. "Oh dear, this sounds ominous."

I forced a chuckle to calm her down. "Don't worry about it, it's only ominous to me. You'll be perfectly fine."

Fluttershy was still worried. "Will you be okay?"

I nodded resolutely. "Yes, I will. Will you be there?"

Fluttershy nodded unsurely. "Okay. Are you sure you will be alright?"

"I'm absolutely sure that everything will turn out perfectly."

Rarity answered the door to Carousel Boutique, and greeted me with a friendly smile. "Hello, Twilight. Is there something I can do for you?"

"There is, actually. Can you meet me at Sugarcube Corner tomorrow? There's something important I need to tell you and the girls."

Rarity raised an eyebrow with intrigue. "Oh? May I ask what could be so important that you need to tell all of us at once?"

"I'd rather not say; not until I can answer all the questions at once."

Rarity tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Hmm, very well. I suppose I can meet with you tomorrow, though I'd rather you not be so cryptic."

"I'm sorry, Rarity, but after tomorrow, all will be revealed."

I entered Sugarcube Corner, which was still open despite the late hour. While they were going to close soon, I had enough time to speak with Pinkie before then. Speaking of which, the pink mare was standing right behind the counter. "Hiya, Twilight! Looking for a late afternoon snack?"

"No. I'm actually here to tell you that the girls and I are going to be gathering here tomorrow. There's something I need to tell you all."

Pinkie's eyes widened in anticipation. "You're going to reveal something shocking to your true friends, aren't you?"

"That's exactly it. I knew you'd understand."

Pinkie saluted me. "Don't you worry about a thing! I won't tell anypony that you're secretly a robotic disco warrior!"

I stared at Pinkie for a moment of bemusement. "... See you tomorrow, Pinkie."

I flew up to Rainbow Dash's cloud house with my Flight spell. The place was huge! It was as if someone carted an above-average mansion away from Cloudsdale and parked it near Ponyville. I knocked on the door, and the prismatic pegasus answered the door. "Hey Twilight. What's up?"

"Are you available tomorrow? Because the girls and I will be at Sugarcube Corner. I plan on making an announcement that will shake the foundation of our friendships."

Rainbow quirked an eyebrow. "Uh, that sounds pretty serious."

"It is, but I have every reason to believe that everything will work out for the best."

"If you say so."

I walked up to Sweet Apple Acres, eventually finding Applejack in the barn unloading barrels. Applejack turned to speak with me when I greeted her. "Howdy, Twi. What can ah do for ya?"

"AJ, do you have some free time tomorrow?"

"Ah reckon ah do. What for?"

"The girls and I will be at Sugarcube Corner. I'm going to reveal a startling truth, which will explain everything. I hope you'll be there, since you're the one who's bothered by my lies the most."

Applejack's gaze went serious. "You mean to tell me that you're goin' to start tellin' the truth tomorrow?"

"Yes, that's what I'm saying."

"Then Ah've got all the time in the world."

The next morning, I discovered the most marvelous invention the ponies made since zeppelins: hay bacon. It's like bacon, but for herbivores! Ingenious! And to think that Spike didn't believe in bacon.

So breakfast was especially yummy that morning, and therefore off to a great start. Spike went back to reading his novel after breakfast, and I had plans for Sugarcube Corner. I opened the front door and called back to Spike. "I'm going out to speak with my friends. I'll be back later."

"Bye." Spike barely made the effort to look up from his book. Maybe he was getting really into it?

I took a step out the door, but I froze and looked back at Spike. Come to think of it, Twilight is Spike's sister. I might have been acting like a brother to him, playing Arcane: The Maddening and reading comics with him and whatnot, but he's just as unaware of Twilight's true location as I am.

"Hey Spike, I think you should come with me." I said.

With the same glare one would usually associate with a child being torn away from a good book, Spike asked, "Why? I thought you'd want to spend some time with your friends, not me."

I frowned sympathetically. Maybe Spike wasn't catching on to me. Considering that question, his recent anger towards me could have been based on the perception of neglect. I had to rectify this as soon as possible. "This is important for all of us. You especially."

Spike glared into my eyes, and let out a sigh. He closed the book and put it aside, hopping off the chair to follow me. "Fine. Let's just go, already."

We closed the library, and walked down the street towards my destination. I didn't envy Spike's position. I wondered how devastated he would be once he learned the news. Whether or not he takes it well, I was going to find out soon.

Well, we would have gotten there sooner, but the silence around us was making us nervous. You know what they say about quiet, right? It's the kind of silence that makes one really anxious about getting suddenly attacked.

The silence was understandable. After all, who in Ponyville would make any noise if there wasn't anyone in Ponyville? The streets were empty. "Where is everybody?" I asked, admiring the desolate town.

"Maybe you ate them." Spike quietly grumbled.

I glared down at him. "Is that a fat joke?" Spike momentarily looked like he was dreading a verbal lashing before I added, "Because I swear I'm working on it!"

We continued down the road, thinking that it was just quiet around the library, except that the market was abandoned as well. Multiple ideas about what happened came to mind, none of which were admittedly realistic even given the circumstances. Perhaps there was a Left Behind kind of deal, where Spike and I were among the few trapped on the planet to survive. Oh God, please don't let this be anything like Alone in the Dark...

Oh wait, there was a foal smiling at the doorstep of a house. As smiley as she was, I doubted there was anything major happening. Except a mare pulled her inside and slammed the door shut, so maybe she wasn't a great indicator of the situation's severity.

Maybe it isn't anything like Left Behind, but more like a zombie movie in the making? Hopefully it's Zombie Strippers, because at least that would be funny.

"Psst! Twilight! Over here!"

Sugarcube Corner was within sight, but I was too distracted to notice it until I heard Pinkie calling for me in a whisper. When I acknowledged her, she frantically beckoned me. "Come here! Come! Here! Hurry! Before she gets you!"

I took that to mean that something scary was going down, so I ran over and hopped into the store. Once safely inside, I levitated Spike inside and the door to the bakery slammed shut. It was completely dark, even though it was bright as hell outside. "Who are we hiding from and where are our friends?" I asked.

"Actually, we're all here." I heard Rarity announce. Rainbow slightly opened the blinds to the front window, letting in enough light to see all of my friends. Plus Apple Bloom, for some reason.

"The rest of you I get, but what are you doing here?" I asked Apple Bloom.

"What? Ah wanted a milkshake." She expertly answered.

"Ah, gotcha. But the question remains, who are we hiding from?"

"We're all hiding from her." Rainbow said, pointing out the window.

We all crowded around the window, peering out to see the cloaked figure of an equine. She stood alone in the center of the plaza, digging a tiny hole in the ground with one hoof. I could only get a good look at the leg she was using to dig, which had an assortment of gold jewelry on it. Her leg was a light grey with many darker grey stripes tracking down her leg.

The figure scanned the area around her, and my friends cowered out of sight when her gaze drifted towards us. I looked at them all with a bit of confusion. After all, I didn't find her to be that scary. Though I had to admit that the glowing yellow eyes were a nice touch. I figured she must have been one evil bitch to get my friends this scared, but I decided to ask my friends about her, just so I have some context before I went out there to kick some ass. "Who is this chick, anyway?"

"Her name's Zecora." Apple Bloom answered easily.

"Apple Bloom! I told you to never say that name!" Applejack chided.

"Geez, is her name poisonous to our mortal tongues, or something?" I criticized.

"Ah dunno, maybe!" Applejack defensively answered.

"Uh huh. In any case, she scares you all for some reason. Can someone explain it to me?"

"She's mysterious." Fluttershy said.

"So is the mystery of how soap scum is a pain in the ass. What else you got?" I asked.

"Twilight! There are children in the room!" Rarity scoffed.

"Uh, remember how the scary chick outside that scares the..." I held myself back before I could swear again. "...heck out of you? I think we have more important things to worry about, here."

"Well, she's also sinister." Rainbow claimed.

"And spooky!" Pinkie added.

I deadpanned. "Yeah, I get what your opinions are. I'm asking for your justification."

"Because she's evil!" Pinkie explained. "She's so evil, I wrote a song about her!"

"Here we go." Rainbow groaned.

I glanced at Rainbow in confusion, momentarily forgetting Pinkie's habit of random song, as Pinkie hopped around and "sang".

She's an evil enchantress
she does evil dances!
And if you look deep in her eyes
she puts you in trances!
And what would she do?
She'll mix up an evil brew,
and gobble you up
in a big tasty stew!
Soooo,

Pinkie' final hop launched her onto a table, where she wildly shook her tail and stood up on her hind legs, posing like a ghost.

Watch out!

Meanwhile, I was watching and listening dumbly, believing that this would be the most informative explanation about Zecora as I would get. "... So, wait. How long has Zecora been around here?"

"A-about two years, ah reckon." Applejack shakily replied.

I gaped in shock. "You mean to tell me that Zecora has been coming to Ponyville for the past two years, abducting ponies and cannibalizing them? Why isn't the royal guard getting involved? This is the kind of thing they deal with!"

"We've called the royal guard before, but they didn't do anything because there technically weren't any damages." Rarity explained.

"MY ASS, THERE WERE NO DAMAGES!" I yelled indignantly. "WHAT ABOUT THE PONIES WHO WERE KILLED!?"

Rainbow rubbed the back of her head nervously. "Well... technically, nopony was abducted."

"Then who was abducted?"

"As I said, nopony."

My eyes widened in growing frustration. "If no pony was abducted, then who was?"

"No one." Rainbow muttered.

I sat there in silence for a few seconds of rising confusion and frustration. When I next spoke, my voice was low and dripping with condescending wrath. "You're all hiding from someone who didn't even do anything to you?"

"We have a reason to to think she's up to no good!" Applejack argued. "Have you even gotten a good look at her?"

She pointed out the window again, obviously wanting me to look at Zecora again. I rolled my eyes, figuring I might as well do so, just in case Zecora wore pony bones or some other similar trophy of villainy. I pulled back the blinds to get a better view of Zecora. I watched her pull back the hood of her cloak, revealing her rather impressive black and white striped mohawk. She turned her head, at which point I saw her striped face. It became apparent what she was.

"That's a zebra." I stated flatly.

"A what?" Everyone asked.

"A zebra." I repeated. Geez, am I the only one who read Social Studies' Book of Culture? "They live in savannah plains far away from Equestria. They don't even have magic beyond their affinity with creating chemical compounds."

"But she lives in the Everfree Forest!" Rainbow protested.

By now, I was done with all this gallivanting about. With gritted teeth, I said, "Okay, I'm only going to ask one last time. What, exactly, did Zecora do to hurt anyone in Ponyville?"

"Nuthin'." Applejack said with relief. "We knew as soon as we saw her that she was trouble, so we steered clear."

I stood still, letting all the pieces of the puzzle click around my head. At last, they connected.

Oh no.

I sat heavily onto the ground, shocked to my core. I couldn't believe it, but everything I heard confirmed my every fear. My God, I was a fool. I brushed a hoof over my head in disbelief.

Their fear of Zecora was based on appearance alone. Just one look at a zebra, a non-pony, was enough for them to make every judgement imaginable against her. Zecora did nothing wrong, but she was hated anyways. If Zecora was so easily judged, then what chance did I stand?

I almost revealed my secret to the ones I care about.

If I hadn't learned of Zecora, they would have gotten me killed.

Evidently believing that I succumbed to fear, Fluttershy patted my shoulder reassuringly. "Don't worry, Twilight. We're safe in here."

I glared up at Fluttershy, who shrank back at my gaze. How dare she? I just learned that my friends were prejudiced, and now they try to act all supportive? I wouldn't be fooled again. They wouldn't accept me; their kindness was a trap for the foolish. As much as it pained me to say, I wouldn't fall for that same trap again.

I stomped to the door out of Sugarcube Corner and pulled it open. Rainbow quickly shut it and blocked the door. "Wait a minute, where are you going?" Rainbow demanded with worry. "She's still out there!"

With a growl as her only warning, I shoved her out of the way with surprising strength. I swung open the door once again, and glared back at my friends. They were wide-eyed with shock at my sudden anger. "I'm ashamed of you." I hissed at them. They paled at my words, but I took it all in with a grunt of anger and I stormed out of the building, slamming the door shut behind me.

I lowered my head to shake out the bad feelings that still lingered. It was hardly any use; my eyes still stung and my vision blurred with barely restrained tears.

Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Spike, and a miffed Rainbow Dash all watched in morbid curiosity as Twilight cleared the distance to Zecora.

This was the same Twilight who valiantly kicked a manticore in its groin.

This was the same Twilight who picked a fight against a ferocious griffin.

Indeed, this was also the same Twilight who defied all sense of self-preservation and restraint by stabbing a dragon in its ass scales.

There was no doubt in anyone in the room that what was about to happen would either be the most glorious thing they would ever see, or the most viciously insane. Either way, this was a spectacle that none of them were willing to miss.

But the whole thing was soured by Twilight's irate exit. "I don't get it. Why did she push me like that?" Rainbow grumbled.

"She does seem upset." Rarity observed.

"She probably just thinks we're all bein' cowardly." Applejack guessed.

"I don't know about that." Fluttershy quietly objected. "She looked a tiny bit betrayed."

"Betrayed? I doubt that, Fluttershy." Rarity said. "What did we do to her?"

Twilight was closing in on Zecora, and everyone watched with bated breath as the confrontation was set to begin. Spike quietly watched with anticipation. It was monster vs. monster, a true win-win situation. He didn't fully understand why he was brought to Sugarcube Corner in the first place, but he was glad he came along.

Their anticipation of the coming battle was gone with Applejack's startled yell. "Wait, where's Apple Bloom?"

I cleared my mind of the distracting feelings in my mind. Now was not the time for me to let my sour attitude affect me. There was a zebra in need of some friendship, and the task fell to me! I walked up to her, and she turned to face me. Mustering all the calm charisma I had, I greeted her.

"'Sup." Smooth, as always. "Welcome to Ponyville, Equestria's largest wildlife preserve of pussies."

I almost got a chuckle out of her bewildered face. "And to you I say 'hello'. What makes you insult your town so?"

She had a strange speaking pattern. Was that to justify that rhyme? Did she even mean to rhyme? So many questions from a single exchange. I dropped all of them to reply to her question. "I only say that because everyone in this town is a bunch of-" I turned away from Zecora and yelled with all my might. "COWARDS!" I turned back to her as calm as I could be. "I think I'm the only one with any sense."

Zecora didn't seem very pleased with my answer. "Your reply makes me frown. I thought Ponyville was a ghost town."

I shrugged. "Sorry, but I don't know what to tell you. These ponies are dumb." I looked around, noticing that a few ponies were peeking out of their doors to get a closer look at what we were doing. I had a thought. So They wanted to see what Zecora wanted to do in Ponyville? Then let's give them a show. "Anyway, can I help you with anything? Ponyville is apparently my home, so I should be able to help."

Zecora smiled at the offer of assistance. "Honored is the mare from whom help is led. I seek a flower of deepest red."

What was that, a fucking riddle? "...Could you give me another hint? I'm pretty sure there are lots of red flowers."

"Of course, honored horse." Hold on, wasn't that some kind of slur? Maybe I was looking to deep into it. "Those who are adored are showered from above, by these red blossoms of love."

Ah goddammit, it was a riddle. I hate riddles! They're the reason I hate the Riddler! I thought of the answer for a bit, hoping that the spirit of Batman would help me figure this out. Let's see, a flower that symbolizes love that those who are adored are showered with. I guess "those who are adored" could mean celebrities, right? And every time they get showered with flowers, they are usually... seriously? The answer was roses? Lame riddle, man.

Just to be sure, I asked for clarification. "You want to find some roses?"

"Those are the flowers to collect, you are indeed correct."

Ugh, this was going to be a long day. "Alright, I know where we can buy some. The vendor lives down this way." I walked in the direction of the vendor's home, and Zecora stepped beside me to follow.

"Wait!"

The cry of a tiny voice stopped us before we began. We turned to find Apple Bloom racing down to meet us. She skid to a halt. "Can ah come with ya?" She asked.

"I guess so." I said. I looked to Zecora, who nodded her agreement. "Alright, let me introduce you. This is Apple Bloom." Apple Bloom smiled a greeting. But to have a proper introduction, I pretended not to know Zecora's name. "I'm sorry, but may I know your name miss..."

"Zecora is my name. Could I ask the same?"

"Cool! She rhymed!" Apple Bloom chimed. Great, now I was rhyming.

"My name is Twilight Sparkle. It is a pleasure to meet you, Zecora." I held out a hoof for a "hoof shake" as it's called here. Zecora stared at my extended hoof in confusion. I lowered it. That's right, I forgot there's no hoof shake ritual where Zecora is from.

Immediately as my awkward blunder ended, Apple Bloom fired off a plethora of questions to Zecora. Among the highlights were "Where did ya come from?", "Do ya have a cutie mark?", "What do you like doing for fun?", and "Do zebras have magic powers?"

We began our walk across the town, Zecora answering the cheerful inquiries quite readily. From what I gathered from the conversation that (mostly) involved the two of them, it sounded like Zecora was a storyteller who did alchemy on the side. I guess. It's kind of hard for me to figure it all out, since rhyming couplets sound like riddles. Apple Bloom wasn't having any trouble listening to her, so I guess it was just me.

It's interesting how easily the ponies in Ponyville get over their fears when they see two others relaxing and having a good time. Zecora would share an anecdote that Apple Bloom thought was funny, and I would pretend to laugh out of politeness more than anything. Cause you know, I'm no riddle king. The sight of us laughing was enough for many ponies to leave their homes to at least observe us, and a few even followed out of intrigue.

By the time we got to Roseluck's house and bought the roses Zecora needed, there was a crowd of ponies watching us. Zecora looked out at them with great discomfort. I sympathized, so I huddled close to her and whispered conspiratorically. "Hey, you want me to deal with this? I'm pretty good at manipulating crowds."

"Of large crowds I'm no fan, please do what you can." She whispered back.

With a dedicated nod, I stepped out to meet the ponies. "Ponies of Ponyville, congratulations." I announced. "For a race dedicated to love and harmony, you sure are racist." The gathered ponies looked amongst themselves to gauge exactly how offended they should be. "It took a forgettable librarian and a child to finally welcome our new friend, Zecora, into Ponyville. And where were the rest of you? Hiding from her like... well, I was going to say children, but even children show better consideration for others than you all."

The crowd glared at me. Uh oh, I've been laying on the Heel heat too thick. Time to turn Babyface. "The fact of the matter is that you've been neglecting your honored traditions of love and tolerance because Zecora likes to wear cloaks and has stripes. You put aside every empathic instict you had to shun another being. I think we all need to take a little time to consider that the true value of a person is based not on their appearance, but by their love and virtue towards others. And for that, Ponyville has come up short for once. Let us swear that one day, we show that we are the most loving and accepting community in Equestria!"

I swear I didn't mean for this to happen, but they actually cheered my speech. It is times like these that make me think I'd make for a damn good politician. Though I felt a little foolish for buying roses, now that we were being showered with them. Wait, does this mean I'm an adored celebrity now? I sure hope not. I like being in the background!

Just to keep up appearances, I bowed and smiled to the cheering crowd. Hey, I might as well. Just play off a sudden and unexpected turn of events and make off like a smooth criminal. Works every time.

I dropped my smile when I saw a particular group of five ponies plus a dragon. They clapped their hooves in appreciation of my speech as well, except for a bewildered Spike. They were my friends, of course, but I didn't want to deal with them right then.

I turned to Zecora. "Will you be able to take care of things from here?"

Zecora smiled gratefully. "I believe so."

"Great. Have a nice day, 'cause I need to get going." I nodded and waved, making my way through the crowd. I passed by my friends, and I gave them a strained smile before speeding up.

With one last turn, I raised my arms like a champion, and the cheers grew in power. Cheering became laughter when I fell on my ass, at which point I hastily trotted back home.

I stood in the center of the library, heaving a heavy sigh. Now that nothing was distracting me, I was completely free to mull over my feelings over recent events. I really didn't want to do that. I scanned the bookshelves for something, anything, to keep my mind off my friends. With my hurry to find a distraction, I figured Nature Watch's Creature Compendium would have to do. I sat in a chair facing away from the library entrance and settled in for a nice read on wildlife.

It took only a few minutes for that to become pointless, as the six figures I was dreading entered the library. "That was amazing!" Pinkie cheered. "How did you know Zecora was good all along?"

"Because she didn't do anything wrong." I said.

"Wow, who knew?"

I gritted my teeth. They didn't catch on to my irritation, as evidenced by Rainbow asking, "So what was this announcement that would 'shake the foundations of out friendship'? You never got to tell us."

I put the book down with a subtle sigh and forced a smile back at them. "Heh heh, I forgot."

They all glared incredulously. "Come again?" Applejack asked.

"I forgot what I was going to tell you." I lied. "I'll let you know if I can remember."

"Ah, that's a load of apples, and you know it. You said you were goin' to start tellin' the truth, and you follow that up with more lyin'?" She demanded.

"Yeah, pretty much."

Applejack scoffed in outrage. "You gotta be kiddin'! You got no reason to be lyin' to us now that we know you're lyin'!"

"That's where you're wrong, Applejack. I've got every reason to hide the truth, and I have my friends to thank for that." I said bitterly.

"WHAT!? Ah've been tellin' you how wrong it is to lie! You couldn't spin that to mean lyin' was good; you're just tryin' to trick us again!" She accused.

I spun to face her and got to my hooves, staring her down. I wasn't about to let Applejack accuse me of manipulating my friends for fiendish purposes. "How dare you! You think I'm some kind of puppeteer? You think I want to lie to my friends everyday? I don't! Nothing would please me more than to be open with the five people in this town I give a damn about, but I can't do that!"

"Ponyfeathers! Tellin' the truth is easy! Just quit lyin'!"

"Well, you must have one hell of a fairytale life, don't you? It must be nice living your 'happily ever after' while the rest of us still have conflicts! Some of us have no choice but to hide in the shadows and envy people like you! You won't lose your friends if they learn one of your secrets, but that's not the case for me!"

"We won't stop being your friends just because you did something shady." Rarity interjected. "We're friends, and we can be quite accommodating."

I leveled a glare on Rarity, from which she shrunk back. "Zecora would argue about that. So you, and every one of my friends, just proved that they are not as accepting as I had hoped."

"T-that was different!" Applejack weakly countered.

I sat back in my chair, no longer facing my friends. "It's one thing to bluster on about honesty, but I won't listen to your hypocrisy. Lecture me about honesty whenever you want, but don't follow that up by lying yourself."

"Is your secret really that bad?" Rarity asked.

I was silent for a moment, thinking about how to answer that. "... It is. And I'm not willing to risk our friendship over it."

"So you never forgot what your secret was." Applejack observed. "Did you ever really consider tellin' us?"

"I would have told you this morning, but you all fucked it up. I can no longer trust you with something this important."

The library was quiet for many moments, no one sure how to respond. I spoke up. "Could you all leave for now? I want to be alone."

I heard nothing for few moments longer. The front door opened and closed soon after. I looked back to see the empty room. I was alone. I slumped forward onto the table, burying my head into my arm.

I was back to living the lie.

Author's Note

Pro Wrestling terms used in this story:

Heel: A bad guy.
Babyface: A good guy.

Blazing Trails to Great Disappointing Truths

I stretched my forelegs forward, limbering up like a cat after a nap. I leaned forward to stretch my hind-legs, head pointing up like I was howling at the rising sun. Today was a running day in which I would be working once again on my endurance. I was preparing just at the start of the Whitetail Woods Trail, which I was hoping I could clear. I almost made it last time. All I had to do was hold out for long enough to reach my starting point by running the whole circuitous trail. It took me about twenty minutes before I completely ran out of breath. If I could go for that twenty first minute, then I'd be all set.

I stretched each leg individually and shook off whatever sensations remained. I levitated my earphones into my ears. As it turns out, there exist portable music players in Equestria. I would never have known this if I hadn't seen that unicorn with the rockin' shades jammin' to whatever her tunes were. Good for me, since that let me listen to Mare-O-War while I went for a run.

I ran in tune with the opening song's heavy, conservative tempo. I wasn't here for speed, as this wasn't a race. I was just a guy thundering down the road, heavy metal making me feel like I was charging into battle. If I were crazier, I probably would have imagined a line of spearmen standing before me with their weapons ready to brace my attack. Sadly, I was a boring realist, so all that I really had to avoid were some rocks and a tree stump. Seriously, does nobody do maintenance on this trail?

I passed the first major curve in the trail, surely marking the second minute of my run. One of the benefits of running this course so much was how it let me keep track of time with landmarks. Just up ahead, I saw a tree that looked like it was bending over to pick up a coin on the ground, which marked the third minute. Yeah, I ran this trail a lot. You'd think a few months would have made me strong enough to clear the whole thing, but that was sadly not the case. The only major difference in all that time was the leaves changing color. I've never been one to notice the change in season, but I guess the start of Autumn just passed me by.

I glided down another curve in the path. Suddenly, I wasn't alone. A pony caught my eye right beside me, sporting her distinctive rainbow mane and bright blue coat. She easily kept pace with me, looking at me with a cocky grin. She looked like she wanted to say something.

I levitated the earbud out of the ear closest to Rainbow Dash. "'Sup?"

"You're gonna have to do better than that!" She taunted.

"Wha?"

Instead of answering my question, Rainbow sped up and cleared the ninety-degree turn with surprising precision. I turned the corner to follow her, finding that she was speeding off into the distant limits of my vision.

That was weird. I wondered what she meant. I wasn't about to think about it until I finished running, though. I had some personal training to do.

I didn't see her again during my run. I got fatigued and breathless just a little further than last time, which I felt was okay progress. Not great, but manageable. I trudged down the remainder of the trail and plopped down in the place I usually fell to rest. See, you can tell I used it often because there was a bare patch of dirt shaped like me where grass used to grow.

I huffed and puffed, eyes closed to the world around me. I slowly caught my breath. Between the cushiony embrace of the nearby grass and the lead singer's roaring about fighting to the death, I felt at peace. Times were good. Good times were great for naps.

I valiantly resisted the urge to sleep for a while, but I didn't really need to. Something tickled my nose. I grabbed at it with a hoof, but I caught nothing but empty air. I put my arm down and got comfortable again, thinking whatever it was would leave me alone.

It came back, more irritating than ever.

I opened my eyes to glare at the offending creature that dared to tickle my mighty snout. It turned out to be an object; a piece of straw held by a giggling rainbow pegasus. Unamused, I grabbed the straw with my telekinesis and threw it away. Her fun time now over, I sat up and faced her. Hopefully we could have a conversation without her running off with a cryptic taunt.

"All right, what's going on?"

"Nothing." Rainbow replied smoothly. "Just me creaming you in an impromptu race, that's all."

"Uh huh." I deadpanned.

"Seriously, you were moving so slow!" Rainbow added as if trying to rub salt in whatever wound I had.

"Well, it's not like I'm trying to race." I told her.

Rainbow just rolled her eyes. "Yeah right. As if you weren't training for the Running of the Leaves. Nice try, Spark Plug."

I gave her a confused sideways look and continued as if she didn't just insult me. "What's the Running of the Leaves?"

Rainbow's expression turned from cocky to surprised. "Seriously, how sheltered were you? First you didn't know what Cloudsdale was, now you don't know of a national holiday!"

I shrugged. "I had other concerns." Living in another world, for starters.

"Whatever. I just think a filly with her nose in books all the time would know a little more about Equestria than what she's picking up from talking to ponies."

"You'd think so..."

"Right, so the Running of the Leaves is this big race that takes place here in Whitetail Woods. The winner gets a gold medal!"

"What, that's it?" I asked, not being surprised. "The least they could do is reward you with a cash prize."

"Well, don't worry about, 'cause I'm gonna win it!" She boasted.

"What, the medal or the cash?"

"Both, duh! Since I'm entering the race, nopony even has a chance!"

I nodded slowly. "Okay, well, it's not like I planned on joining the race anyway. I'm not very good at running."

Rainbow looked me over. "Are you sure? You look like you've put on a few thousand pounds of muscle since you got here."

I looked over myself, taking notice for the first time in a while just how toned I was. My legs all had a firmness that wasn't present when I first got them. Interesting how ripped you can get from a few diligent months. "Oh, right. Yeah, I'm still working on endurance. I'm not very fast, yet."

"Oh well, it's not like you were going to beat me, anyway."

"Yeah, I'm sure." I said, giving her a challenging look. "Unless you want me to beat you. Gimme some time to prepare, and I'll give it a go."

"So you are entering the Running of the Leaves." Rainbow concluded as if she forced a confession from me.

"I am now."

"Then it's on." Rainbow spat into her hoof and held it out to me for a brohoof.

I stared at her dripping hoof with minor revulsion. "Dude, that's nasty."

Rainbow rolled her eyes and brought it down. "Whatever, Miss Cleanly. It's not that big a deal."

"Sure it is." I argued. "Saliva breeds diseases no matter how well you clean your mouth."

"You're not going to lecture me on this, are you?" She asked dryly.

"Do you want me to recite all my knowledge on the subject, or are you just going to take my word for it?"

"Don't even start; I'd fall asleep within seconds. I can do without long, pointless lectures."

"Fine, then let's just say I have reservations about mouth stuff."

Rainbow quirked a devilish smile. "So that means kissing is out of the question?"

I rolled my eyes with a scoff. "Please, like I need that kind of stuff to distract me."

Rainbow looked disappointed by my response. "Ah."

"What?"

"Nuthin'." She waved it off. "I just figured you'd get all nervous about it."

"Sorry to disappoint, but I can honestly say that I have yet to see a single pony I want to kiss." Special emphasis on "pony".

"Yeah, that's cool." She said with a nod. "So what are you doing today? Is this all you had planned?"

It was my turn with the smile of devils. "Why, are you asking me out?"

"Ha, as if! You're not even my type."

"Oh really? The sexy librarian doesn't do it for you?"

"Nah, too bookish."

I shrugged. "Alright. I wasn't planning on anything. You?"

"Nah." Rainbow and I sat there for a few seconds, thinking of something to say. Rainbow eventually piped up again. "I dunno about you, but I'm getting pretty hungry. Wanna go grab a bite?"

I nodded at the fantastic plan. My stomach was chewing on itself, anyway. "Yeah, sure."

We got up from our seats in the grass and left for town. Annoyingly, Rainbow shot ahead without me. Noodle-y legs notwithstanding, there was no way that I could keep up with a Rainbow Dash at full speed. I sighed as I gently walked after her. If I weren't so good at finding people with my magic, this could almost be a pain in the ass.

I lightly strode into town, following the occasional pulse of magic from my horn. I take it no one thought it was weird that my magic was flashing the whole time, since they didn't even take notice of it. Fine with me, I was feeling pretty ravenous. Every conversation I could be having about my magic would've wasted a little more time.

I cut through a small alley and stepped out only to have a blurring object speed by, nearly clipping me. Startled, I spun my head to watch the object go down the road a little ways. It did a quick 180, and cruised right up to me. It turned out to be Scootaloo carting the Crusaders and Pinkie Pie around Handicar style.

"Hey Twilight! Check out my sweet ride!" Pinkie bobbed her head as if I was supposed to be impressed. I actually was. It couldn't be easy for Scootaloo to drag all that weight behind her.

"I didn't even know you could pull a wagon behind a scooter like a side-car."

"What's a side-car?" Scootaloo asked.

I dismissed the question, as that was Earth technology I shouldn't be explaining. "Nothing."

"We're looking for Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie announced. "Wanna come along?"

"Actually, I was just following her. I know where she is, if you need to find her."

"Great, that will really save us time!" Sweetie Belle cheered.

I nodded once and shrunk myself to the size of one of the fillies. "It will be faster if I ride with you. Scootaloo, think you can take the extra load?"

Scootaloo buzzed her wings confidently. "No problem!"

I hopped into the wagon, clutching the side. It was a tight fit, but it did well to hold the combined space of three fillies and a full grown mare. "Then let's roll! Rainbow Dash is that way!" I pointed in the direction we needed to go.

"Ya might wanna put on a helmet." Apple Bloom warned.

"Pfft! Yeah right. I can handle a simple wagon ride."

Scootaloo rocketed forward with surprising speed and acceleration. My face pulled back at the force of wind resistance immediately. It only took a slight curve to make me lose my grip and launch off the wagon. I tumbled helplessly along the ground and slammed into a market stall.

I pushed myself up and groaned. Unfortunately for me, this stall sold clothing irons, and the breaking of the stall sloped down to my point of impact. Every iron on sale dog-piled me, pinning me under a painful heap of jagged metal.

Pinkie and the Crusaders rushed up to check on me. "Oh my gosh, are you okay Twilight?" Pinkie asked.

I dispelled the Shrink spell and shoved off the offending irons. "Change of plan: I'm gonna fly there while you follow me."

"Yeah, that's probably for the best." Sweetie Belle conceded.

I summoned my bat wings and took to the sky. I made sure to keep my speed slow enough to allow Scootaloo plenty of time to maneuver through the streets after me. It didn't take very long (or hurt as much) with this new strategy, so we quickly made our way to our destination. It was Sugarcube Corner. Cause where else would you go for food?

I touched down and dismissed my wings, opening the door for Pinkie and the Crusaders. "She's just in here."

Rainbow wasn't the only one of my friends inside. In addition to her, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy were presumably waiting for something sweet to eat. I suddenly wondered if I was the only one who didn't eat an early lunch.

Rainbow walked over to us, smiling down at the Crusaders. "Hey, so you've been looking for me, huh?"

I looked between them. This was why I hated it when Rainbow leaves me behind; I always miss something.

Scootaloo hopped forward with excitement. "Yeah! We wanted to know how you got your cutie mark! I bet it's awesome!"

"You bet you your flank it is!" Rainbow confirmed.

So I assumed one of the others knew about this ahead of time and let Rainbow know. I took a seat to rest my achy legs for this story. Rainbow spoke of a time when she challenged a group of bullies to a race in Fluttershy's defense. I would have interjected to ask why she didn't just kick their asses, but that would have been rude. The interruption, I mean. Fighting would have been justified (and awesome).

Anyway, that's when she first did the Sonic Rainboom and earned her cutie mark. A pretty inspiring story, I had to admit. If it ended like that, I would have made my excuses right then and there to go practice some magic.

It didn't end there. Fluttershy spoke up with an observation of hers. "Wait a second, I heard that explosion. I saw the rainbow, too. I think you scared the animals that got me my cutie mark."

I raised an eyebrow at her. That was a pretty cool coincidence, if a little curious. Then Pinkie spoke up. "I heard the boom, too! I threw a party for the first time after I saw the rainbow!"

Two in a row? Now we were getting spooky. It only got spookier though, and I didn't get context for any of it. Applejack said she saw the Rainboom point her home, so I guess she got lost one day? I don't know how she would have gotten her cutie mark like that. Then Rarity said she saw the Rainboom when she got her cutie mark from, I dunno, something about rocks. Weird that all of them were affected by a single event so far apart from each other.

Pinkie was quick to thank Rainbow for "causing them to earn their cutie marks", and initiated a group hug. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle awed at the display, but Scootaloo gagged. I was just flummoxed.

The girls all opened their eyes from the hug as if they realized they were missing someone. They turned to me expectantly.

"What?" I asked.

"Did you see a rainbow when you got your cutie mark?" Fluttershy asked.

I worked the question through my head, eventually nodded uncertainly. "Yeah, I saw that. I just thought it was something cool to look at."

Rainbow beamed at my fake answer, but Applejack was doubtful. "Yer just lyin' 'bout it, ain't ya?"

I sagged. "Yeah, I just wanted to fit in."

Applejack rolled her eyes, but gave me a reassuring smile. "Hey, don't ya'll fret now. We're still friends."

"Yeah, but you all have some cool backstory for your friendship." I pointed out. "I'm just the wily outsider, again."

Realization flashed across Pinkie's face and she darted over to drape a foreleg over my shoulder consolingly. "Don't be sad, Twilight! Maybe you can remember something if you told us your cutie mark story."

"But I don't have one." I countered.

"What? How do you not have a cutie mark story?" Rainbow asked in disbelief.

"Well, is it important to society as a whole to have a memorable cutie mark story?"

"Yeah..."

"Then there's your answer."

Rarity balked. "You mean to say that you purposefully don't care about your cutie mark because it goes against the grain?"

"Oh my gosh, you're a hipster!" Pinkie declared.

"No!" I denied immediately. "I'm not a hipster, I'm a rebel!"

"No, you're pretty much a hipster." Rainbow said.

"Hipsters like that peaceful New Age crap. I play metal, throw up the devil horns, and raise anarchy!" I argued.

"Yes, nothing says 'anarchy' like getting your hair done and having a nice massage." Rarity teased.

I got flustered and widened my eyes with desperation. "Th-that's different!"

"So, you really don't know how you got your cutie mark?" Applejack asked, clearly trying to change the subject.

I took a deep breath to calm myself. No sense in digging myself into a hole trying to make something up. "No. I just realized I had mine at some point."

"Well that's strange." Applejack noted. "Earnin' yer cutie mark is supposed to be somethin' memorable."

I shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you. I'm a man of many mysteries."

"Mare." Fluttershy corrected.

"Mare of many mysteries." I repeated flatly.

"Yeah, well, that's something we like about you." Rainbow said. "You're still pretty cool, even if we don't have some magic connection from foalhood."

"You're still trying to comfort me for being different, aren't you?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's pretty obvious."

I crossed my arms defiantly. "Well I don't need consolation. You're right that I don't need a special connection with you to be your friend, and I really don't care either way."

They all shared a look. A look that made me shiver. "I think you do." Pinkie said.

"W-what? No, I'm fine."

"Oh, but you really do need some cheering up right now." Fluttershy insisted. Everypony took a step towards me.

I looked around at them tentatively. "Hey, what're you doing?"

"Doing you a favor." Rainbow growled menacingly.

"Yeah, no need to be all tsundere on us!" Pinkie quipped.

I backed up against the wall at their continued approach. "Stay back! I can shoot fire!"

It was too little a threat. There was nothing I could do to stop their onslaught. They latched onto me and gave me the best, sweetest group hug against my will. I ~~loved~~ ~~appreciated~~ hated it. I just stopped struggling because I was still sore from running.

Scootaloo gagged again.

Author's Note

One Year Anniversary! Whee!

Bloggin' about my experiences with the story.

Bird in the Hoof, Night in the Slammer

It was about a week before the Running of the Leaves was set to begin when Spike and I were running errands around town. Spike sat on my back while I walked along, and we discussed what we still needed to do.

"So we took care of groceries, bills, and entertainment." I recounted.

"And a bigger bed just for me!" Spike added happily.

"That's right." I gave him a smile. "What else were we missing?"

"Celestia wanted us to go to Sugarcube Corner to reserve it for tomorrow's brunch." Spike dutifully reminded.

"Ah, that's right; good man." I thanked.

I turned down the appropriate street and easily found the way to Sugarcube Corner. There was a short line at the counter, but I wasn't here to place an order. While Cup was busy at the counter, I figured Carrot was my best shot at delivering the good news. Just in time, the lanky stallion came out the back with a tray of shakes for two foals at the center table.

He placed the tray and wished the affluent fillies well as I came by. "Morning Mister Cake. How's business?"

"Oh, just fine, thanks for asking!" He gratefully replied. "If you're looking for Pinkie, she's baking up a storm in there!"

"That's good to hear, but I actually came here to deliver something." My horn burst with energy, conjuring a scroll that fell into my outstretched hoof. "I have here a document for you and the missus, straight from Canterlot."

He picked up the scroll curiously. "What is it?" He asked, opening and skimming it.

"It's a request of service from Princess Celestia; she wants to use your establishment for a brunch tomorrow morning. Don't worry, you'll be well compensated for agreeing."

Carrot's eyes bugged out without even seeing how many digits were on the paper. He trotted urgently to the counter, pleading for attention from his wife. "Honey..."

Cup just finished ringing up another order and regarded her husband with worry. "Yes, dear?"

I edged myself between them, seeing where this was going. "Now's a good time to mention she doesn't want ponies to panic."

I was ignored, with Mister Cake hoofing over the scroll with frightened stuttering. "P-p-princess... b-brunch..."

Missus Cake began reading, so I leaned in and tried once more to be the voice of reason. "Remember, a calm mind is a happy mind."

As with all things related to the princess, reason was ignored in favor of frenzied theatrics. "The princess is coming here?" She yelled, startling many of the customers.

"Hello panic, nice to see you again." I deadpanned.

"Oh no, we need time to prepare!" She declared. "Sweetie, close the shop and get the customers out! We need to reorganize!"

"You're going too far." I reminded softly, uselessly.

Cup hobbled to the back while Carrot took charge of the room. "Everypony, I'm sorry, but we have to close for the day."

The ponies all moaned in disappointment.

Pinkie popped her head into the room. "Don't worry, everypony! I'll still be taking your orders from the back door!"

The ponies murmured with renewed approval and quickly filed out. Carrot flipped the door sign to closed and ran to the back. The banging of pans and the like rang out immediately, signalling the start of a hectic day of over-preparation. Meanwhile, Spike and I were left alone in the dining room, forgotten.

"Well, that could have gone worse." I noted.

"Are we the only sane ones in Ponyville?" Spike asked.

"Probably." I guessed with a shrug. "Let's go home."

"And set up my new bed!" Spike added with vigor.

"Eyes on the prize, huh?" I chuckled. "Can't blame you."

Starting the next day meant helping Celestia with the brunch that morning. Still thinking of me as her most faithful and organized student, she left many of the organizational obligations to me while she spoke to the mayor about the upcoming Running of the Leaves. I guess they had to discuss promotion and budgeting. My responsibilities were far less stressful.

I arrived an hour before it started with Spike in tow, checklist in hoof and apathy on the mind. I didn't really want to oversee things, but I wasn't about to say no. If I could have been just a guest, I would have been allowed in with my friends without any obligations to split my attention. Nuts to that, though, I had shit to do.

I looked over the list. The first item was to ensure the building had security. I directed my gaze between the two royal guards stoically glaring into the distance on either side of the door. "Well, first item's checked."

"I guess it won't take too long to get through the list, then." Spike figured.

"One could hope."

I stepped up to the door, but the stallions blocked the door with their armored wings. "Halt! Who goes there!"

"Aw, seriously?" I griped. "Does Celestia not brief you guys on her own student? Doesn't she have a picture posted in the break room with my face labelled 'kind of important'?"

If my question bothered them, they didn't show it. They lowered their wings without a fuss. "Go on in."

These guys seemed like they were going to hound everypony that tried to enter. I'd keep an eye on them.

The interior of Sugarcube Corner was decorated in full Pinkie Party Mode. A table full of presents dominated the center of the room and all manner of streamers, balloons and banners covered the place. The display cases by the counter were removed in favor of more space in the dining room, though one couldn't tell that they used to be there considering how polished and perfect the whole floor was. Somepony had to work all night on getting this place as immaculate as it was. Maybe this was something greater than Pinkie Party Mode? Maybe we'd call it Princess Panic Mode.

I wasn't the first to arrive. Rarity strutted gracefully in her magnificent pink dress, decorated with pink gems and purple trim. She wore a golden tiara in front of her horn that spoke of regal flair. All of it was unnecessary, but she wanted to dress formally, I guess.

"Hello, darlings! How are you this morning?" She greeted.

"Always a good morning with you." Spike answered dreamily.

I shrugged indifferently. "Had worse. So, did you cancel on a fancy gala, or is that fancy get-up for today?"

"Why, this dress is the culmination of my creative ability!" She boasted. "I would wear nothing less in the presence of royalty!"

"I see. And did you realize this was supposed to be a casual affair?"

Rarity was perplexed at the question. "But this is casual."

"Oh, well you could have fooled me."

"I think you look fantastic!" Spike complimented.

"Thank you, Spikey." Rarity replied sweetly.

Spike blushed at the acknowledgment. I gave him a smirk and turned to my duties. "Anyway, I'm glad to see you made it. I have to check on a few things, one of which includes master chef Spike." I nudged him. "You hear that? You're important."

He chuckled humbly. "Yeah, I guess I am, huh?"

I nodded understandingly. "Yeah, but that means you'll be needed in the kitchen."

Spike sagged at the reminder. "Oh, yeah."

"Yeah, so mingle while you can. You're not needed for another half hour."

Spike straightened. "You're right! You mind if I stick with Rarity for a while?"

"I dunno." I turned to Rarity. "How would you like an honorable drake to you escort around the ballroom?"

Rarity held out a hoof for the dragon with a kind smile. "I'd be delighted to have your company, Spikey."

Spike's mind was dominated by the thought of merely walking by her side. He gently grabbed her hoof in both claws. "Thank you, princess."

I was pretty sure Spike was referring to Rarity there. They walked away together, to which I could only uncertainly wish Spike the best of luck with a "Go get 'er, tiger."

I checked the list again. There wasn't that much, but laziness demanded bitterness regardless. I poked my head into the kitchen to quickly check on the food. In a rare instance of me getting the drop on Pinkie, I saw her working alongside Mrs. Cake on fixing a variety of food from salad to cookies. One of the ovens was lit with intense heat, so it must have been baking a delicious confection. Maybe I'd get to see it in an hour. In any case, there was a lot of freshly prepared food stacked on trays. Food was definitely covered.

That was honestly most of the list. Security, decorations, and food; so all that was left was the guests. I made my way back to the dining room, past Rarity keeping distance from the pony she was talking to, and stood beside the door to keep tabs on whoever came in. All I had to do was make sure that no disreputable ponies sneaked in.

The place filled up with ponies pretty quickly. Once word gets out that the princess was eating brunch with complimentary food in the most popular establishment in town with basically no reservations, ponies unafraid to get a little close to royalty were sure to come in. Of course, that didn't mean there was a large number of ponies, but just enough to make keeping up with food a constant worry, though food was on hold until Celestia arrived.

The first such guest was Applejack, trademark Stetson on her head and handkerchief around her neck. The Element Bearers were almost obligated to show up, after all.

Applejack smiled and sped up her trot to greet me, but the guards raised their wings to block her. "Halt, who goes there?"

"Okay, seriously, are you guys going to do that to everypony? Because that's going to be obnoxious." I asked with a glare to the back of their heads that they didn't see. They didn't answer, to which I sighed. "She's the Element of Honesty. Just let her in."

They lowered their wings, and Applejack trotted past them nervously. "Land sakes, is the princess here, already?"

"No, she's still in a meeting." I informed. "The guards here are just zealously hounding everypony who comes by. Don't worry about it too much."

"Ah, okay. So are the others here, yet?"

"Pinkie's cooking and Rarity's in the corner trying not to touch anything." I motioned inside. "Rainbow and Fluttershy aren't here yet, and I'm here in charge of the guest list."

"Ya have a guest list?"

"Pfft, no." I scoffed at the notion. "I'd have to write that list myself, and I'm not about to do that."

"Then how are ya keepin' track a' which ponies are allowed in?"

"By the seat of my pants."

"By the seat o' yer- what?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm winging it."

Applejack looked concerned. "Uh, ain't that a bad idea?"

"I'm pretty sure I can keep the malcontents out." I claimed. It's not like Ponyville even had malcontents.

"Well, if yer sure."

I patted her on the shoulder. "Relax, I've got things covered. Go on in and mingle for a bit."

Applejack nodded and went right past me. I turned my attention to the door, only to find a short line of ponies blocked by the guards. Yep, the guards were definitely doing that for everypony.

I took a deep breath and rolled my shoulders. "Alright, let's get started." I took position and listed off everypony as they came up. "Okay, she's the nice pony that sells blueberry jam, so she's okay." Next pony. "I highly doubt the local plumber is a bad guy, so he's good." Another pony walked up. "She sells carrots." One more pony. "Jeweler." More ponies. "Vintner, mailpony, weather team member, cobbler..."

The last anonymous pony who showed up was a dapper stallion in a black cloak and top hat, with a finely oiled handlebar mustache tilted by his snidely smile. I snickered. "Okay, I just like the cut of this guy's jib." He went right on in.

Two more ponies came by until a beige earth pony with a curly pink and dark blue mane trotted past without the guards even trying to stop her. She greeted me kindly and continued on her merry way.

I had an odd sense of déjà vu, but I ignored that in favor of the guards negligence. "Why didn't you guys stop her? What makes her so special that she gets a free pass from Celestia's finest?"

Just outside, Rainbow alighted upon the ground and walked to the door. The guards raised their wings to block her as she got close, startling her.

"Oh come on!" I cried, throwing my hooves up. "That's the Element of Loyalty! How and when did you guys get so selectively awful?"

When they lowered their wings, Rainbow hurried inside, giving the stallions outside passing looks. "Wow, things are tense around here."

"I know, I think I'm getting an ulcer." I mumbled.

Rainbow looked around the room. "The princess isn't here, yet?"

"Not yet, she'll be here in a bit. Go on inside, I have to supervise these guys and make sure they don't stop their own boss."

"Right, good luck with that." She lightly punched my shoulder on the way past.

My gaze followed her for just long enough to notice Pinkie Pie watching the pony in the top hat performing card tricks. Pinkie noticed me just as I saw her. Just as fast as she found me, she bounded across the room and smiled excitedly.

"Twilight! I'm so happy you're here!"

I returned the smile with one that was much more reserved, but no less genuine. "Happy to be here. How's the food?"

"It's the best ever!" She exclaimed happily. "Hey, you have to come over and see Mr. Whiplash do magic! He's doing the things you do, but with cards!"

I chuckled. "I love a card trick as much as the next pony, but I can't at the moment." I puffed out my chest with my head held high. "Duty calls."

Pinkie's eyes shimmered. "That's so hot."

I relaxed to my usual posture. "Actually, the temperature has been dropping. It's getting close to winter time, after all."

Pinkie smiled wider. "If you say so, Twilight. Are you sure you can't spare a moment?"

"It'll be fine." I assured with a pat on the shoulder. "We'll have plenty of time when Celestia gets here."

A third armored pony walked right next to me, and like an asshole, he blared his trumpet into my ear. I could only glare at him before he made an announcement to the room. "Introducing the Princess of Equestria, Princess Celestia!"

"Ah, there she is." I noted dryly.

The princess strode regally into the room. She always made an impact among the populous, but she held something in her magic that caught my eye: a golden cage with a dopey looking bird perched inside. With its pitifully dull feathers and screwed up expression, this was not a bird that impressed.

Celestia smiled warmly down at the two of us, but me in particular. "Twilight, you seem to be doing well."

"Always am." I remarked. "How are you? Was your meeting alright?"

"It's always good to meet with such an understanding mayor." She replied. "But enough about business; we're here to unwind with a late morning meal."

"Looked more like a feast last I checked."

Celestia just smiled. "So a meal, then."

I chuckled the affirmative. "If you say so."

"And I do." Celestia walked across the room, not even bothered by the bowing ponies around her. "Let's take a seat."

I made to follow, but I remembered the troublesome guards outside. "Hey, fellas, let everypony in, okay? Just stay here like backup."

They snorted, which I couldn't identify as either a yes or a no.

"Uh, good. You get right on it."

I left my post to join the princess and the girls at the head table. Celestia set the bird cage on the table next to her seat. Applejack sat a ways down near the end of the table, failing to look as casual as possible. Rarity wasn't doing much better, considering she was so flustered trying to keep everything away from her dress. At least Rainbow wasn't that bad, though she was still acting a bit inconspicuous in the corner, taking deep breaths. Out of every pony in the room, only Celestia and Pinkie seemed relaxed.

I lowered myself into the chair next to Celestia's, but a little too late, as Pinkie did the same. With both of us sitting in the same chair, we turned to each other. Pinkie smiled wide. "Oh, looks like we wanted to take the same seat by complete accident!"

"Ah, sorry about that." I got up to take a different chair.

"Wait!" Pinkie hopped up and pulled the chair out for me. "You can have it."

I blinked. "Oh, okay, thanks."

She pushed the chair in for me as I sat. Nice of her, I guess. She sat next to me in a different chair.

Celestia noted our little interaction. "So, how long has this been going on?"

"The brunch just started." I stated obliviously.

Ceelstia chuckled about something. "So it has. How were the preparations?"

"Autonomous and stress-free on my end. I can't say the same for the Cakes."

"They stayed up all night polishing the floor!" Pinkie added. "We had lots of fun last night!"

"Right, some considered it a blast."

Celestia nodded at the information, neither bothered or impressed. "How about security?"

As if to answer for me, the pony in the top hat hopped in front of us with a grunt. He whipped out a deck of cards, grinning mischievously. "Pick a card, any card."

Celestia shared a look with me. "Who is this stallion?"

"I have no idea." I admitted.

Celestia tutted, and turned to the stallion. "Very well, I choose this card." A card floated out of his grasp and faced it toward us, displaying its three hearts.

The stallion grasped the card with boundless confidence. Without a word, he shuffled it into the deck, each move of randomizing the cards forcing us to lose track. In a surprise move, he threw the cards into the air and scattered them about him. He grabbed out seemingly at random, catching one card floating anonymously among the others. He showed us the card.

I scoffed. "She didn't pick an ace of spades."

The stallion chuckled at me like I was clueless. He waved a hoof over the card, morphing it to the selected three of hearts before our eyes.

Celestia and I nodded our approval. Pinkie was much more vocal with her clapping. "That was spectacular!"

"Yeah, I gotta admit, that was pretty good."

The stallion tipped his hat to us. He flipped the card in his hooves, and showed us that it was a shiny gold card with a top hat printed on it. He slid it into Celestia's necklace, patting it once in place. "Remember my performance." He whispered.

"I think I shall." Celestia agreed with a nod.

I levitated the cards back into a neat deck for the stallion. "Here you go."

He grabbed the cards and stuffed them in his cloak with a bow. He left us there with an amusing diversion and nothing else, I'm sure.

"Anyway, that guy was there because I let him through. Your security was a little strict, I think."

"My little ponies just get a little protective." Celestia assured me.

"Of the most powerful sorceress in Equestria? Seems like a waste of time."

"Well..." She leaned in a bit, lowering her voice. "You aren't wrong."

I didn't doubt it. I looked over the ponies gathered. "Fluttershy's still not here."

"Is she the pony who cares for animals?" She asked.

"That's her. I wouldn't blame her for missing out on this, though; she'd have to get through the guards."

"It would be a shame for one of the Element's bearers to miss this."

"Yeah, speaking of which, I should probably go over and make sure. The guards don't exactly have a list..." And I'm not sure if they actually listen to me...

Celestia asked for clarification as I got up. "Didn't you make the list?"

"Nope."

Celestia frowned, but I didn't notice.

I checked out the door just in time to see Fluttershy rushing up. "Oh, Fluttershy, you actually made it!"

Hearing my greeting, the guards let her through without incident. The timid pegasus slid to a stop in the building and let out a breath. "Am I late?"

"Nope. As you can see, the food hasn't even come out, yet."

The door to the kitchen swung open. Carrot Cake pushed out a cart filled with food. "Er, food's ready!"

I turned back to Fluttershy. "Never mind, the food's come out."

Fluttershy grimaced like she really messed up. "Oh goodness, I meant to get here earlier, but I was helping Mr. Mousey, and before I knew it Angel was telling me that it was time to go, and I came here as fast as I could, and I'm so sorry I'm late!"

"It's okay, there wasn't a scheduled time to get here." I explained in hopes of calming her down. "It didn't really matter when you got here; we're just glad you're here."

Fluttershy relaxed and smiled. "Oh, I'm so glad."

"Yeah, there's no need to worry. So how about we go to the table on the far side of the room with the rest of our friends?"

There's a reason I neglected to mention that was the table with the princess, because as soon as she looked over, Fluttershy squeaked and hid herself behind me. "Um, maybe I could find a nice seat in the corner?"

I stood as relaxed as possible for Fluttershy's benefit. "There's no need for that, either. Celestia might be a princess, but you would have to do something incredibly stupid to get on her bad side. Really, she's a lot nicer than her regal demeanor would suggest."

Fluttershy barely peeked out from behind me. "I know, but she's just so... big, and important."

I gave her a reassuring smile. "It'll be okay. Come on, lets go take a seat; you'll see that nothing particularly stressful will happen."

Fluttershy nodded. "Okay..." She didn't sound very sure.

I led her confidently to the table and took my seat. Pinkie apparently got bored or something, so she disappeared. Fluttershy sat next to me instead, sitting as small as possible.

"I'm back with my friend Fluttershy." I told Celestia. I leaned back to let her get a better view of my friend. "Come on, Fluttershy, she's non-toxic."

"H-Hi." Fluttershy offered meekly.

"Hello, Fluttershy." Celestia greeted without missing a beat. "I'm glad you made it. This wouldn't be a very successful brunch without everypony's friends."

Fluttershy nodded.

Celestia and I shared a look, as if to say we needed more to coax her into conversation. I took point. "So princess, I see you brought a bird."

"Hm?" Celestia pulled the cage over for a better look. "Oh, yes, this is my pet, Philomena."

The bird coughed pitifully.

There was a brief moment of silence among us. "Is, uh, your bird okay?" I asked.

"She'll be fine." Celestia assured. "This happens on occasion."

"You mean sickness?"

"Something like that."

While this conversation was happening, the Cakes were setting all the food on the table. An assortment of salads, sandwiches, and sweet treats covered the table in a tasty display of pony culinary prowess. Our conversation was interrupted when Carrot set a teacup in front of Celestia and filled it with the steaming drink.

Celestia offered a thanks for the drink and took a gracious sip. She set the cup back down with a satisfied smile. Carrot took this opportunity to pour a little more tea back into the cup.

Celestia and I shared another look. I noticed at this time that Carrot was almost imperceptibly shaking with nerves. Celestia said another thanks and took another sip.

He filled it back up again.

I glanced up at Celestia, but I noticed an impish twinge. She downed the whole cup.

Carrot responded predictably, filling the cup back to the brim. The two went back and forth like this for three more rounds of increasing speed. Finally, I noticed Celestia fake a sip. She set the cup down and waited for Carrot to do it. He totally did it, pouring more tea into the cup only to find that it overflowed from the tea Celestia didn't drink.

"Gotcha," Celestia said with a serene smile.

Carrot broadened his smile as if to force out a laugh that never came.

Celestia chuckled calmly. "You don't have to stand by me and cater to me, if you wish."

Carrot stepped back with a gracious smile. "As you wish, your highness."

He eventually left us, but we made sure to watch as he did. "I'm glad you're not like that, anymore." Celestia admitted.

"Overbearingly subservient? I'm glad I ditched that, too."

"I wish you weren't the only one." She motioned to the rest of the restaurant.

I looked around and really focused on their demeanor. Most of the ponies were lost in conversations, but their lip movement suggested they spoke of princesses with a few tentative glances coming our way. Their eyes looked away just as quickly, going back to their previous activities. Even my friends weren't doing so well, since Rainbow just flat-out disappeared, Rarity pushed her chair far away from the cupcakes on the table with wary eyes, Applejack was fretting over which food item to eat first, Fluttershy had her eyes locked on the bird, and I had no idea where Pinkie was. You'd think ponies who've seen Celestia relaxed before would take a hint, but even they were skittish.

"Huh, so you deal with this often?"

Celestia nodded minutely. "Every day for over a thousand years."

I let out a sympathetic breath. "Yeah, sorry to hear that."

"No need to worry for my sake." She assured me. "I have ways of coping."

"A thousand years of well-meaning isolation? How do you you do it?"

She just smiled at me. "I spend a lot of time with friends."

"Friends?" I gave that some thought. I wasn't aware of Celestia's friendships, after all. Secretive as she was, she wouldn't hide that would she? I had no idea who she could be visiting so often, apart from myself.

And that's when I realized... "You visit me every week. Are you referring to me?"

Celestia's smile didn't alter in the slightest. "One would think it was obvious."

I laughed with wry reservation. "Friends with a princess, who could have predicted it?"

Celestia levitated a sandwich mirthfully at my words. "Friendship ignores station, Twilight. Those who look past royal titles and see the pony beyond are the ones really worth your time."

I smiled sadly at the touching sentiment. While I would have normally just accepted such praise, it felt a little bitter knowing that I was going behind her back. "You really think that, huh?" I shook my head with a sigh. "Mane, do I feel like an ass."

The self-deprecating statement caught the princess off guard. "Twilight?"

"Out of curiosity, what would you normally do to ponies who've used dark magic?"

She didn't need to think too hard on the answer. "Normally, we would affix anti-magic rings to their horns and gave them therapy until such a time where the magic was no longer in danger of controlling them."

I chuckled darkly. "And you're giving me special treatment. I guess I should feel flattered."

Celestia lowered her sandwich to lower herself closer to me, hushing her voice to have a more secretive conversation. "What's bothering you? Most ponies would be walking on clouds for days when a princess counts them among her personal friends."

"Because there's a dull ache in my heart whenever I feel like I'm letting my friends down." I rubbed my chest over the aforementioned organ. "Now that I know what you're thinking of me, you're another pony who I can hurt."

"Twilight...?"

"I was going to study dark magic, despite your warnings." I said suddenly. "You and your sister warned me against it, but I just wanted a cheap power boost. I was working on a spell to hide the energy emissions from my experiments in dark magic so I could be unopposed. Without your interference, I would have broken all barriers in the way of understanding the dark side of something we all take for granted."

She eyed me critically. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because, Celestia," I gave her a companionable pat. "I'm not going to let my friends down. A princess I can disobey, but I'll listen to my friends." I levitated a cup of tea for myself. "For your sake, I'm gonna forget about my research."

The edges of Celestia's mouth twitched upwards. "Then I'm glad we're friends. Seeing a good pony like you fall to dark magic would be tragic."

"Hah! If I'm a good pony, then there aren't many bad ones." I joked.

Celestia pulled her head back, not quite sure how to take my joke. "Are you talking down about yourself?"

"I'm lightening the mood with self-deprecating humor." I corrected. "I guess you could say it's a way to acknowledge my faults without feeling bad about them."

"I think you need to talk to somepony."

"I'm talking to you, aren't I? Besides, it's not like I've hurt anypony for a while."

Celestia didn't seem convinced. "There has to be a better way for you to find joy in your life."

I would say that she was exaggerating, but between all the times I cheer people up with self-inflicted mishaps and jokes at my own expense, any argument would've been pointless lies. Instead I countered with "Maybe you just need to relax."

Celestia pouted indignantly. "I can relax just fine."

"Hah! I know a thing or two about denial, so you aren't fooling anypony."

"It's true! I relax with tea, good books, and bubble baths!"

"Mane, who said relaxing had to be quiet and boring? Give me soda, video games, and rioting any day."

"W-what kind of pony likes riots?"

I raised a hoof. "I do. Obviously."

Celestia, as incredulous as she was, didn't get to ask the question on her mind. A pony in gold armor trotted next to her and interrupted our conversation. He whispered something to her that I couldn't hear.

"Oh dear," Celestia said in response. "But how could that have happened? There are only two keys to the vault, and I have one..." She lifted her necklace and felt around for whatever key she was looking for. "Where did my key go? I know I had it on me." All she found was the golden card which she examined for a brief moment. "Distressing."

Celestia stood from the table. "I'm sorry, Twilight, but something just came up. I'm afraid it requires my immediate attention."

"Ah, I understand. Don't let me keep you."

Princess Celestia bid the restaurant goodbye, announcing she was leaving. The guards followed her away and effectively ended the brunch right there. Whatever thief stole Celestia's key, whoever they were, had hell to pay for ruining things.

Ponies filtered out of the building pretty quickly. I saw Rarity leave first, warning everypony to keep away from her dress, followed by Applejack carrying a lot of leftover food.

Meanwhile, as many of the others were leaving, the beige pony from earlier approached me inquisitively. "You must be Twilight." She noted in a familiar voice.

I narrowed my eyes a bit, but kept up appearances. "That's right. Who're you?"

"Bon Bon." She answered casually. "You were talking to the princess awfully intently. What were you talking about?"

"What's with the questions?" I asked. "Can't a pony speak with her mentor about things?"

"As long as they aren't creepy, impostor things, yes." She conceded accusingly.

I recognized that tone and that voice. "Wait a minute, I know you." I glowered. "You're that ninja that set fire to my basement!"

"W-what? Don't be absurd!"

"You owe me money!" I declared.

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" She denied further.

Pinkie Pie emerged from behind her slowly. "Actually," She began, startling the unaware, undisguised ninja. "It's partially my fault. If I didn't startle her, she never would have dropped the paper into the candle that burned your things." Pinkie grinned sheepishly. "Uh, heh heh, sorry?"

"Oh, uh, okay. Accidents happen." I said, effectively forgiving her.

Pinkie squealed and hugged me tightly. Just a few short months ago, this would have been enough to crack my ribs, but now it was actually pretty bearable. Anything to make hugs better, right? Not that this meant I forgot to let Bon Bon know I was watching her with a few gestures. She just glared at me and left.

Pinkie let go and smiled deeply in my eyes. "Thanks for not getting angry with me. I'll definitely make it up to you with a great big surprise!"

"The last time I got a surprise from you, I spent two hours cleaning cake frosting from over two hundred books. I'm not even sure I got it all."

Pinkie was undeterred. "I know; fun right?"

"Er, sure..."

"Anyway, Spike's gonna play the clean-up game with us. You should probably check on Celestia's pet bird."

"Ah, thanks for reminding me." I commended.

"You're welcome. Just remember, Fluttershy went back to her house while you were distracted."

"What?"

Pinkie hopped backwards towards the kitchen. "See ya later, Star!"

She disappeared into the back, leaving me confused. I never really wanted to ask what the deal was with her sudden change in topics, but I always felt the need to ponder. In any case, I looked back to find that the cage was still there. Yeah, it was a good idea to bring that to Celestia. It was only a matter of taking it with me and finding her at the Town Hall, presumably.

Celestia would be grateful to know that her bird was okay. Well, besides that coughing, anyway. I was sure that everything was going to be fine.

Except the cage was empty.

Oh shit.

I looked around the room for a frantic moment of searching, finding nothing in the empty dining room. Celestia's bird was abducted, and I didn't know where to look. Whoever took the bird must not have been motivated by money, though, since the cage was still there. So why would someone abduct a sickly bird?

Wait, it's as Pinkie said: Fluttershy. She must've taken the bird for some reason. It's not hard to determine what that reason was.

I wasn't about to waste any more time. I grabbed the cage in my magic and left for Fluttershy's cottage, thankful that I had a psychic friend. Hopefully Fluttershy was having luck with her endeavor.

The cottage was quiet. Standing outside, there were no sounds to hint that anypony was even home. I knew better, since Fluttershy was a friend of mine, and she would be far too quiet for anyone to hear through the walls. That just raised the question where her animals were. It was pretty uncommon for her house to be empty, even if I knew it wasn't.

I knocked on the door, not expecting much in the way of an answer. The door very slowly opened.

Fluttershy's head emerged tentatively, nerves wrecking her reaction. "O-oh, h-hi Twilight. Lovely b-brunch we had."

"It was, wasn't it?" I smiled casually. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. Did you get anything out of it?"

Fluttershy squeaked and shrunk back. "N-no!"

She was lying, but I couldn't blame her. "That's a shame, I could have sworn you made a new friend."

"No I didn't!"

"Really? Then who's..." I fired up my horn and flashed through space, finding myself just inside her cottage. Fluttershy shrieked weakly at the sudden teleportation, but I ignored that in favor of finding the bird I was looking for. What I saw cut off my thoughts. "Jesus."

An already pitiful bird looked even more pathetic. Large clumps of its dull pink feathers were gone, and in many cases replaced with tape. Actual scotch tape. The poor thing was having trouble breathing, notable even without its occasional hacking coughs. Its eyes weren't focused, merely glazing over with its pale blue hue. This thing was on the brink of death.

"What have you been doing here?" I asked.

"Um, trying to help Philomena?" Fluttershy supplied.

"Are you sure you're doing it right? She looks worse than when you started."

The bird coughed, as if we didn't already know.

"I've been trying, but nothing's working!" Fluttershy wailed. "Bed rest, warm soup, medicine, aromatherapy..."

"Do you normally use aromatherapy?" I asked curiously.

"In extreme cases." Fluttershy explained.

"Damn, then this is really extreme." I looked over the bird, who plopped off the stool. "And I'm sure the trauma of falling isn't doing any favors. Huh."

"What are we going to do? I've tried everything, and I've only made things worse!" Fluttershy was hyperventilating now.

I put a hoof to her chest to calm her down. "Hey hey, relax, we'll figure this out. Maybe this is just a rare type of bird with allergies."

The bird coughed from the floor.

"Yeah, I can't imagine why that's the first thing I thought."

Fluttershy shut her eyes tight and took a few deep breaths. "I... I'm not sure what she is. I've never seen a bird like her before!"

"I have, but only as an illustration. I actually have the book marked for transport." Said book popped from my magic and into my hooves.

Fluttershy stared at the book. "Do you always have Nature Walk's Possibly Mythical Monsters Manual ready?"

"Yes." I grunted and brought the book closer to my face.

I flipped through page after page of weird, possibly too-stupid-to-exist creatures, looking for the drawing I vaguely recalled. After about a hundred pages turned, I found the picture. It showed the same failure of evolution currently in the room with us. I turned back a page to see what the creature was called.

Phoenix

I dropped the book roughly and glared at the bird. "You little bitch,"

Fluttershy stammered. "O-oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you..."

I waved her down. "Not you, Fluttershy, you're perfect." I towered threateningly over the diseased phoenix. "Philomena and I need to share a few words."

"Please don't hurt her!"

I sighed dejectedly. "Fine. Philomena, there are two rules in Ponyville: When invited, go to Pinkie Pie's parties, and don't mess with Fluttershy." I roughly prodded the bird, plopping her back onto the floor. "You've been messing with Fluttershy. You're a sick bird, and I'm not talking about your coughing fits."

"What's going on?" Fluttershy asked, completely lost.

"Philomena's a phoenix, meaning she could just set herself on fire at anytime and resurrect from the ashes. She is in literally no danger from this illness of hers, and she's been using it to force sympathy out of you for some sick game."

Fluttershy looked betrayed, eyes slightly misty. "Are you sure?"

I glared down at the strangely stoic bird. "Are you ashamed yet? Fluttershy's been worrying about you all this time, giving you food and medicine, and you've just been playing with her. For the love of God, you even picked on the only pony in Ponyville you're not allowed to!" I brought a hoof to my chin thoughtfully. "Yeah, the wrong pony..."

"What?"

"Okay, first, I'm gonna need you to apologize to Fluttershy for what you did."

Philomena crossed her wings defiantly, as if to say "Make me."

I prodded her roughly again, knocking her prone. "Do it."

Philomena brushed herself off and, reluctantly, bowed to Fluttershy.

The pegasus shrunk back nervously. "Oh, it's okay..."

"Good, now Philomena," I lowered myself to the little bird's level with a devilish grin. "Are you ready to take things up a notch?"

Interested, Philomena sat down and stared intently.

Fluttershy interrupted. "Are you planning on doing this to somepony else?"

I chuckled darkly. "Oh no, I plan on doing something vastly different. One could say that things might get a little... heated."

"I don't like where this is going." Fluttershy meekly protested.

"It'll be completely safe, I assure you."

I pulled Philomena close and whispered the plan. The crux of this plan was that fire doesn't kill phoenixes permanently, as they just revive from that. It didn't take much to convince her. With a nod, we pulled apart.

"Alright, we just need an outsider witness to get things started."

There was a knock at the door. Perfect.

Fluttershy looked to me for advice. I just smiled. "You should get that."

Hesitantly, she did so. She peeked outside to see who it was, and she froze in shock. The door swung past her and revealed who was there.

It was a pair of royal guardsmen. I came so close to laughing at how perfect that was.

The two stallions marched right in like they owned the place. "Twilight Sparkle, we were told we could find you here." Said the one. He noticed Philomena by my hooves. "Good, I see you've found the princess's pet."

"Not so much found as 'took her with me'." I feigned in confession. "It's just that poor Philomena here was sick with the flu, and I hoped Fluttershy could prescribe a remedy."

The stony faced guard wasn't impressed with what I had to say. "You should know better than to take somepony's pet without permission."

"I know, but Celestia just left her behind, so I had to do something. Besides," I smiled wide. "I know how to rid Philomena of her dreadful cough."

"How-"

Before the guard could finish asking his question, I lit my horn with a powerful evocation. Fire engulfed Philomena to my glee, catching her by surprise. The tiny bird flapped her useless wings wildly and squawked shrilly. The consuming fire reduced her to ashes in a matter of seconds.

I smiled at the guards faces. The stony indifference was successfully replaced by complete shock. Hiding the laughter in my voice, I delivered the good news. "There, no more flu."

That didn't seem to help. So flabbergasted they were that the only way I knew they weren't completely frozen was them exchanging glances. Their decision on what to do next was both unanimous and swift; the guards rushed forward and slammed me to the floor.

I grunted at the impact. "Oh yeah, I knew you wanted me!"

One guard kept me pinned while the other pulled out a set of chains with metal cuffs. "You're going away for a long time, criminal scum!"

I wanted to make a retort, but I had my mind on the chains. "Where were you keeping that?"

He didn't answer when he slapped them on. The other guy dragged me to my hooves and pushed me to the door. "You're going to explain yourself directly to the princess."

"I'm looking forward to it."

The chains rattled with my hindered gait. The angry guards forcefully pushed me forward to keep me going, meanwhile Fluttershy actually kept a calm mind and tried to argue. Tried, but unobtrusively. "Um, the book says fire doesn't harm phoenixes..."

The guards, now with a bad guy to keep their focus, weren't listening. I wasn't too bothered, though. If these guys didn't even know who Celestia's personal student was, their ignorance was gonna fuel our laughter in the near future.

I also had to admit that their restraints could use some work; they didn't block my magic or anything, so I wasn't in any danger of getting thrown in prison. Maybe they just didn't have an anti-magic ring on them.

Just because I was getting arrested didn't mean I couldn't be friendly, so I struck up some conversation. "So, does guard work get good benefits?" They pointedly ignored my inquiry, presumably because I was a criminal. "'Cause I was thinking about joining up if this librarian thing didn't work out. I guess it didn't if I resorted to setting birds on fire to make ends meet. You know what that's like?"

"Stop talking." One guard commanded.

"You can't make me; we might be living in a diarchy, but we still have free speech. Too bad you guys don't have Miranda Rights you could give me, cause that might actually shut me up."

They didn't react to my retort, but I knew I was getting on their nerves. I looked back to see Fluttershy following us. I flashed her a smile that she couldn't quite return.

"Anyway, I guess the only thing I don't understand is how you guys can stand wearing that armor all the time. Is it made of actual gold, or is that just paint?"

No answer.

"That's not even mentioning that you all look the same. Would I have to turn myself into a white stallion to join up, or would I have been working at night?"

We arrived in town by this point. Ponies looked on curiously, some even loudly proclaiming they saw this coming.

"Yeah, you guys are very informative. I'm glad we had this talk. Hey, remember when I tried to get into Sugarcube Corner and you guys didn't know who I was? Our friendship has come a long way. You didn't even know my name, and now you've given me an affectionate nickname."

"I said quiet, criminal!"

"Yeah, that's the one." I chuckled.

We arrived at town hall just in time to see a prison cart manned by two more identical guards. Mr. Whiplash was glowering from within at the princess listening to him ruing the day.

"I was so close!" He growled. "If only you hadn't traced my calling card to my location, I would be ten thousand bits richer!"

"And now you're going to jail for a long time." Celestia shot back. She smiled at the guards around her. "Good work, everypony. This is one thief whose obsession with gold landed him in the most resplendent prison in Equestria."

One of the guards in front of her coughed and pointed in our direction. Celestia turned curiously and froze at the sight of me in chains.

I looked around the plaza to see the many ponies spectating the arrest. My friends were all there, all concerned and surprised at this turn of events. Spike was there too, but he was trailing a claw down his face, mouthing "Damn it, Dusk." I don't know what his problem was, since this was really only a matter of time.

Celestia blinked uncomprehendingly. "Twilight? What is... why are you...?"

I sighed dramatically. "Mane, you pee on the sidewalk one time, and you get branded for life."

One of the guards lightly smacked me in the back of the head. "Stop that."

I smirked defiantly. "Make me, tough guy."

"Stop." Celestia intoned powerfully. "Why have you arrested my faithful student?"

The guards slumped slightly, hesitant to bear the bad news. The guard farthest from me took the stand. "Your highness, we have bad news. Twilight Sparkle murdered your pet." He held out a bag filled with ashes.

I burst out laughing. "Oh my God! You put her ashes in a zip lock bag! That's fucking hilarious!"

The guard slapped me in the head again. "Don't be rude, criminal!"

"Wait one moment, you mean to tell me that Twilight killed Philomena?" Celestia asked.

"Yes, princess."

"What was the murder method?"

"Incineration, your highness."

Celestia's left cheek puffed out as she tried to keep a straight face. "Incineration, you say?"

"Yes. Twilight Sparkle brazenly cast a fire spell on your beloved pet and reduced her to ashes."

The crowd of onlookers gasped.

"What?" I asked with faux confusion. "That's not illegal! I set things on fire all the time."

"It's very illegal to set birds on fire!" Argued the guard.

"How was I supposed to know that? Not all of us are psychic!"

"You don't need to be psychic to understand basic empathy!"

"I didn't take philosophy in college!"

"It's comes naturally to most ponies!"

Celestia called for us to stop. "Hold on a moment, I need to make a few things clear." She took a deep breath to regain her fraying composure. "Now, can anypony tell me the species of my pet?"

Nopony answered, which left me to say something. "... bird?"

"It's a type of bird, yes."

"Pelican!"

Celestia hid her face with a hoof. She didn't want anypony to notice her smile. "Oh goodness, I wonder how long you can keep this up."

"Long enough to run out the statute of limitations." I boasted.

Celestia shook her head with a gleeful sigh. "Twilight, in all seriousness, do you know what kind of bird she was?"

"Yeah, I knew." I admitted. "That's why it's funny."

"And you know you really shouldn't be pranking my guards like this?"

"Yeah, but who could resist?"

Celestia apparently agreed, because she laughed. Her tranquil laughter confused absolutely everypony except me and Fluttershy. Looks were passed around in search of some kind of answer, but none were found.

When her laughter finally ceased, she smiled calmly at the guard holding the bag. "Please open the bag."

He did so without any hesitation. The very moment the bag unsealed, the ashes swirled into the air like a cyclone. The guard dropped the bag in shock and backed away at the shocking turn of events. Were these ashes haunted? Well, I knew better, but nopony else did.

The swirling of ashes was interrupted by a blinding flash of light, leaving a majestic fiery red bird in its wake. The newly resurrected Philomena alighted to the ground with a radiant heated trail. If she looked pitiful before, she was magnificent now with her glowing yellow eyes like the core of a burning flame and stature rivaling any grown pony.

"Damn, that's a cool bird." I said.

"As everypony can see, Philomena is a phoenix." Celestia explained. "Fire rolls right off of her, but she ignites when the time is right for her to renew herself. Twilight never harmed her."

"So it was all just a prank?" Rainbow asked from the sidelines.

"Yeah, Philomena and I agreed to do it together." I revealed giddily. Philomena hovered over and lifted a wing for a high five. I didn't question how a bird would know the method, so I made my hoof ethereal long enough to slip it out of the cuff and revert it in time to slap some feathers.

Celestia walked close to us, smiling serenely as ever. "That was very amusing."

"I knew you'd like it." I said with a wink.

"Of course." Pause. "You realize that you'll need to pay a fine, right?"

"To see a friend smile? Worth it."

Celestia's smile widened a bit. She beckoned her bird. "Come, Philomena, we're going home."

The phoenix flapped twice and landed gracefully on the princess's back. She waved at me, and I waved back.

"Goodbye, Twilight. I hope next time you don't pretend to do something illegal for a cheap laugh."

"No promises." I smiled and waved.

The guards removed the chains, giving me a dirty look, and pursued their princess. They brought the jail cart with them, and the royal visit to Ponyville concluded once more.

My friends gathered around me with varied expressions. Rainbow was smirking in approval in stark contrast to Rarity and Applejack. Pinkie was smiling broadly at me in a mysterious manner. At least Fluttershy merely looked perplexed at the series of events. Spike, on the other hoof, was unimpressed. I might be off the hook once I explain that Fluttershy was the original pranking victim.

We'd have to talk it out over lunch. I haven't eaten all day.

Author's Note

I intentionally left out a little scene at the end of this chapter. My reasoning is so that I don't leave you on a cliff-hanger during my bit of bad news: I'm going on hiatus. Full explanation can be found here.