Lamarr Visits Equestria

by Cloverleaf

Rating: teen
Tags: Prince Blueblood, Sex, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Fluttershy
Length: 1651

Whatever happened to our favorite little de-beaked abomination when it jumped into the teleporter with Freeman? Well, maybe this.

Lamarr. An innocent little headcrab. Living with a scientist that liked having her around. So he removed her beak, so she could do her thing ll day long, and nobody would get hurt. But then she goes for Freeman, right as the big teleporter powers up. Freeman we know where he went, but what of Lamarr? Maybe she ended up in a desert wasteland, or maybe in a magical place?

Headcrabs and all things Half-Life copyright Valve
MLP and all characters from it copyright Hasbro.
Coverart created by Sandwich-Anomoly formerly known as The Chaos Theory

Published 2014-10-26 21:10:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-26 21:10:05 UTC

chapter one and only

Lamarr visits Equestria

“Gordon, as soon as you're in position, we'll send you to Eli's.” That voice, it's baldhead, below. He keeps me in that kennel all the time. Does he not understand me? I lost purpose when he removed my chance at true love. I can try, always always try, but....

“And not a moment too soon.” And then there's him. That jerk, tossing me around like an unwanted doll. Oh I'd pierce him so much if I could, but he'd never be my partner, my coupled mate. I'd hate him too much for it.

“Excellent. Initializing in three.....two.....one.” A noise begins to grow within the room below. It happened just a few moments prior, before the sweet one's voice disappeared. “Uh Barney, if you'd be so kind?”

“Good luck out there Gordon.” Him again, but this Gordon, the silent one. I never tried with him. Maybe he'd understand my needs, my wants. He seemed so gentle a bit ago in the other room. I had to try!

“Yes indeed. We're ready to Project you Gordon. Bon Voyage, and best of luck in your future endeavors. Final sequence.” No, they're going to make the silent disappear like the sweet one, leaving baldhead and meanie here!

It was time to act, and act did I. I jumped down the tube, smashing through the little metal grate at the bottom.

“What the Hell?” Meanie...you'll come later.

“What is it?”

“It's your pet, the freakin head humper!” I'd deal with him later though. I see the silent one, all sorts of metal and wires surrounding him. He'd understand, I knew he would! And so I made my move, and pounced to him.

“Lamarr? Hedy! No!”

“Look Out!” It was too late, I had almost reached him, but then a blinding light overtook us both. I land upon a sandy ground a moment later, my vision swimming with colors. It's almost beautiful. I turn a moment later, and the silent one flashes away before me. No....nononono! We were to be together!

The light overtakes me once more, and my vision darkens.

A gentle warmth caresses my back as the world returns to me. The ground doesn't feel sandy anymore. More like grass. Baldhead had gone on about how grass supposedly felt nice to lay on, but then he went on a tirade about no time for nonsense again. He thinks I don't listen.

There is one thing odd though. This place, it's very colorful. Storybook colorful. There's trees to my left, and more fields to my right, all of them very colorful, though deeper in the forest seems darker, more foreboding. Like Ravenholm.

Ravenholm. Ever since baldhead....well, since he did that to me, I'd not go there. I, can't really defend myself now can I? But being out in the open, not an option either. Settles it then, follow the forest's edge. And So I did, for a good ways.

The treeline fell further away as a small building came into view. Quaint, with a little creek around it. Maybe someone was inside....maybe they'd be willing. A moment's pass and I was at the door. Now how did the humans do this again? Oh yeah! Rising up on my hind legs I started beating as hard as I could on the door itself. It didn't make much noise.

“I got it Twilight.” Sounded a bit muffled but it was coming closer by the end.

“Thanks Spike. Now, Fluttershy, you were saying about Harry?”

The rest didn't grab my attention, as the door opened then. On the other side stood a small purple lizard. Did something new land on the planet? I don't recall this being around. It stared at me, green frills on it's head and cheeks accenting it's big eyes. It looked, wonderful. I knew what I had to do, and break this staring contest.

Within an instant I was on his head. It felt glorious underneath me, even despite its sudden screaming, and I began. Even without my beak, the motions still brought me joy, and it'd understand within a moment too.

“GAAH! GETITOFF! WHAT'S IT DOING TO MY HEAD!?” It started flailing about, tried punching me, slamming into walls, and I think I even saw a rabbit for a moment in it's paws. Too soon however, something grabbed me pretty good and yanked me off it. And everything looked....purple for some reason.

“Alright, I don't know what you are but you're obviously trying to hurt Spike.” This thing in front of me, it wasn't a human. It was a purple.....quadruped, with wings, and a glowy horn. Wait...horse, equine, it seemed to have hooves.

“Wait...umm” Another voice, elsewhere, but I couldn't turn and look.

“So I think it's high time you leave.” Again the purple one spoke. It brought me closer, which gave me an idea. With a little effort, I smacked it's horn. Immediately it recoiled, and I dropped to the ground. I snatched my chance, and jumped upon the horse. Her turn!

“GYAAH! WHAT IS THIS THING, WHAT'S IT DOING!? WHY IS THE BACK OF MY HEAD SUDDENLY SORE!?” Oh this ride was even crazier, flailed like mad, then tried launching some kind of energy, but all it did was hit the walls, narrowly missing some smaller animals. I saw another horse, yellow this time, during the ride, it was cringed back. The one I was on, was screaming the day away, even tried jumping into the ceiling. But nothing would stop me, until they got close to the yellow one, who'd finally stood. It was staring at me.

That stare, that stare....I...I had to stop what I was doing. I, felt ashamed. It was like a thousand scolding mother crabs looking down upon me. Saying what I was doing was horrible. I inched off the purple one, who finally relaxed. The yellow one spoke first.

“Now that wasn't so hard was it?” Immediately it's gaze softened. “Now, I know it's likely in your nature to do that, but it's not appro-”

“Get away from Twilight!” And suddenly I was consumed in a blue fire, and everything faded again.

“Oh...my....” Fluttershy stated, seeing the new critter suddenly disappear in blue fire.

“No ashes....Spike did you send it to Celestia?” Twilight asked, turning to the baby dragon.

“Uh no...blue flames....that went to Princess Luna.” Spike replied, looking down a bit sheepishly. Fluttershy merely breathed out a sigh of relief, knowing the critter was ok.

Twilight sighed. “Well she can handle it. So....anyway....traumatic experience aside....Fluttershy, you ever considered doing massages like you do for Harry?”

Once more the world faded in, only this time a faint pop. And now, a big room, with a huge bed in the middle. A figure rose from it.

“Who disturbs our sleep?” Another of the winged horny ponies. Yay! I crept out of the shadows to it. “What....manner of beast are you?” And I pounced.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAH!” Oh that shriek was loud enough to pierce the heavens. It bolted out of bed as I started doing my thing, despite the pink nightcap between me and it's head. The door ahead burst open, and two more horses poured in.

“Princess Luna! Are you-” And they get sent like bowling pins through the air as in her blinded state she barrels into them. Then the wall, and the wall beyond that! More of the ponies went flying. And then one white horny horse with a cravat and golden hair, don't ask how I know what a cravat is, steps in the way, with a window behind it.

“Auntie, what in blazes is-” And my ride slams into it hard, sending us all out the window. The white horse starts falling away as my ride send it's wings out and soars, up and up we go! Higher, higher, and higher.”

“Foul beast, you will pay for this defilement!” And we started falling. And falling, a strange feeling in the air started making me tingle. Until a loud boom was hear, and around us I saw midnight blue colors streak out. We started hurtling to the ground, and then the flash that brought me here came again. I was back. The horsies were gone.

“Lamarr? Oh thank goodness you're alright.” No! Not baldhead again!

“And that's the incident report your majesty.” A solar guard then floated the report over to Celestia.

“Something so small causing so much damage. Blueblood with all four legs broken from his fall, Luna a cracked horn and both wings busted from her attempt to dislodge....whatever this creature was.” She sighed. “Not to mention several walls in the castle destroyed, and Canterlot Dupointe Cafe smashed into a crater....Very well, I authorize repairs paid for from the treasury, as well as medical expenses.”

“I don't care if you're my aunt. Nor do I care you're Princess, I'm still suing Luna.” Blueblood was on his back in bed, all four legs suspended in casts above him. In the bed next to him was Luna. Both wings and her horn in casts. Her mane flattened out and blue, no longer portraying the starry sky.

“Blueblood, you didn't have that....thing on you.” she shuddered, especially from last night, her first true nightmare in centuries. More of that creature surrounding her, some on bipedal bodies leaking blood from their heads, their organs exposed, the mishmashed creatures screaming for help as they tried to claw her apart, and then the sting of something as her vision was impaired.

There was a flash of light in front of them both, and the creature reappeared again. It looked between the two of them, before hopping to Blueblood.

“Wait what it's doing....OH SWEET HAZ BORO NO! GETITOFFGETITOFF!” Luna merely started curling up, sucking on a hoof.

The End.

Author's Note

Partly as a means to clear writers block, and also to get a weird dream out of my head.