Woohoo, We’re About to Crash

by Selbi

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash
Length: 1506

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash are falling. To their deaths, probably. It wouldn’t be much of a problem, but unfortunately for Twilight, Rainbow Dash enjoys herself way more than the situation should allow.

Presented by: Dialogue-Only Stories

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash are falling. To their deaths, probably. It wouldn’t be much of a problem, but unfortunately for Twilight, Rainbow Dash enjoys herself way more than the situation should allow.

Edited by Aragon and Section
Vectors by slb94 and skie-vinyl

Published 2014-10-27 21:30:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-02 22:39:58 UTC

Let’s Enjoy This Moment Like It's Our Last, Twilight!

“Come on, Twilight! Don’t be so grumpy!”

“...”

“I can clearly see you frowning from here. Smile a little!”

“Rainbow.”

“Yes?”

“Something tells me this isn’t an appropriate moment to smile.”

“There’s always a reason to smile!”

“I hate you so much right now.”

“Oh please, you know it could be worse!”

“There is literally nothing that could make this any worse!”

“Pfft, you’re just exaggerating. It’s not nearly that bad.”

“Dash, please, tell me one thing: What could possibly make this situation any worse? Just one thing.”

“Well… We could be on fire.”

“...”

“Right?”

“Yes. We could be on fire. That truly helps a lot, Rainbow.”

“Really?”

“No.”

“But it would make the situation worse!”

“Rainbow…”

“And I wasn’t even getting started! We could be covered in acid! Or in alligators! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, alligators could be eating alive us while they’re covered in acid! And on fire!”

“You’re having a grand time out of this, aren’t you?”

“WOOHOO, ACID ALLIGATORS ON FIRE!”

“Dash, we would still die!”

“Well, yes. But we’d be eaten, corroded, burnt in midair, and then meet the ground! The whole package and not just the yaddah yaddah that comes at the very end!”

“The what now?”

“A painful, horrible death; an impact so extreme it would leave our bodies mutilated well past any possible recognition, leaving only a mess of blood, broken bones, and guts behind in the middle of a huge crater and ten yards surrounding it, bringing horror and misery to our loved ones and pure, indescribable pain that will last for less than a nanosecond, yet feel like an eon to us.”

“…”

“What?”

“Okay, uh, so… completely disregarding the circumstances here, when exactly did you learn how to form sentences with more than three words, and what in the name of Celestia was that about, Rainbow?”

“Dunno. I read that on a cereal box once. Sounded kinda catchy.”

“…Catchy.”

“Yeah! ~A painfuuuuuul, hoooooorible deeeaaath~”

“DON’T REPEAT IT!”

“But why? It rolls so easy off your tongue! It’s a good song!”

“It doesn’t even rhyme! It’s the absolute opposite of a good song! It’s the absolute opposite of anything good!”

“You’re boring. I’m bored.”

“WE ARE FALLING TO OUR DEATHS! HOW IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA CAN YOU BE BORED?!”

“Who’s being the party pooper here? Why do you always party poop on so many parties?”

“I’M NOT PARTY POOPING ANYTHING HERE!”

“Technically speaking, you kind of are. It’s a nice song.”

“DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THIS SITUATION CALLS FOR SINGING?!”

“There’s always a reason to sing! That what Pinkie used to say anyway. Man, I wish Pinkie was here.”

“…”

“Like, she would have party hats! And party horns!”

“You do realize that’d mean Pinkie would die, right? Like, you’re aware of the consequences.”

“The party horns would make neat sounds!”

“…What in Equestria is wrong with you?”

“Toot!”

“I really want to punch you right now. Like, right in the muzzle.”

“Yeah, that would probably make a funny sound too! But you are not going to punch me, right?”

“No. Because I can’t reach you from here.”

“But would violence even solve anything, Twilight? We’re still falling to our deaths. Pain would only make things worse.”

“Oh, sure, now you’re being reasonable about the whole thing. Of course.”

“Yeah, the cereal box is probably right. The end result doesn’t differ.”

“Well, yes, but I would get some last satisfaction before everything ends.”

“Everything is ending?”

“We’re falling to our deaths, Dash.”

“…Wait… we’re falling?”

“THAT’S THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE CONVERSATION WE’VE BEEN HAVING FOR THE LAST TEN MINUTES NOW, RAINBOW!”

“Huh. Funny, I didn’t notice.”

“WHAT THE LUNA IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“Dunno. How did this whole thing happen anyway?”

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?!”

“Look, there’s a reason why my short-term memory is the one thing I don’t brag about.”

“THIS ENTIRE SITUATION IS YOUR FAULT!”

“That would be a far more impressive sentence if my Dad hadn’t said the very same thing every other minute when I was still a foal. Your yelling is C-grade at best, Twilight.”

“ARE YOU EVEN– Hold on. You used to fall to your death over and over again with your dad as a child?”

“I was always a very active pony.”

“How are you even alive?”

“Born lucky.”

“Sigh. Dash, if that were the case, I don’t think you would’ve ran head-first into me.”

“Pfft, as if headbutting your flank is dangerous.”

“It kind of is. Once you rammed into me we fell down the stairs, my shoes fell off, and your head bumped every single stair.”

“Blame pony anatomy for our giant heads.”

“And of course you just happened to push us both into a bunch of test tubes filled with an experimental teleportation potion.”

“Heh, it’s funny how these things happen!”

“…Yes. Funny. That’s the perfect word to describe it. Not ‘accidental murder’ or anything. Just ‘funny’. Your observation skills are legendary, Rainbow.”

“Speaking of which, I can’t help but notice that your wings are gone, Twi.”

“That was the result of the potion being experimental. My horn doesn’t work either.”

“I see. And, uhm, why are my wings no longer working either?”

“It was a really experimental potion.”

“Ah, okay. And, uhm, why exactly do you brew potions that teleport ponies and make horns and wings useless?”

“I can’t stress how much experimentality was in those potions.”

“But–”

“Don’t question experimental science, Rainbow!”

“Hey, I’m not doing that! I’d never do that! Another cereal box song was pretty clear about that. ~Expeeeeriments muuutilate us, buuut thaaat's fiiiiine because scieeeeence~”

“As I said earlier, part of me really wants to bring pain to your face. However, now an even bigger part really wants to bring pain to the very existence of whoever printed those texts onto cereal boxes.”

“Pretty sure it’s the factory that made those boxes, Twilight.”

“Yes. Thank you for unfolding that mystery, Dash.”

“Always welcome. ~Blooood, broken boooones, and guuuuts~”

“STOP SINGING!”

“Look, if we both know there’s nothing we can do about this situation anyway, you should at least let me enjoy my last minutes, Twilight.”

“YOUR JOY IS DIRECTLY CONVERTED INTO MY MISERY, RAINBOW!”

“And that’s what friendship was all about last time I checked! ~A huuuuge crater aaand ten yaaaards surrounding iiiit~”

“Memo to myself for the last few minutes I’m going to live on Equestria: Rainbow Dash has officially gone insane and should be avoided under any circumstances…”

“~Bringing hooooorror and miiiiisery to our looooved oooones~”

“…in the afterlife too.”

“Man, Chainsaws Crunchies are truly the best cereals that ever existed!”

“Sigh. I won’t even question that name. Just… please stop talking about them.”

“You should try them.”

“Pretty sure the situation kind of disallows it.”

“True enough, but if we had two bowls, milk, and Chainsaw Crunchies I would share it with you.”

“...”

“Because we’re friends. Remember?”

“And I think I would politely decline, Rainbow. I’m experiencing justified agony at the moment.”

“Come on! Why are you being such a chicken about a little falling to death? Have you ever cut yourself when clipping your hoof nails? That is agony.”

“Thankfully, I never needed nail clippers. I have magic.”

“Had. Now you’re just a fancy earth pony. But yeah, trust me on this: you should be glad. I don’t have a nail clipper with me anyway.”

“Yes, what a tragedy. I’m sure there is nothing I would’ve done rather in the last few minutes of my life than clipping my hoof nails and eating a bowl of Chainsaw Crunchies while falling to my death.”

“I could think of more entertaining ways to enjoy my last moments with somepony else. Talking about shared memories, for example. Remember when I headbutted your flank into experimental teleportation potions and we fell to our deaths?”

“Yes. Yes, I remember. It happened today. It’s why we’re going to die.”

“Aaah. Those were truly the best of times.”

“…”

“Well, looks like we’re almost there. Hey, if we survive, we can be room mates in the hospital!”

“Dear Princess Celestia, please make it quick and painless…”

“I’ll make sure to get you some Chainsaw Crunchies then!”

“…at least for one of us.”

Author's Note

The Epilogue

My first story in almost five months. It was only possible because of this comment and the thing linked above... Yeah, no further words necessary.

It feels good to be back!

Also, big thanks to Aragon for basically eradicating anything bad from the first version of this fic. With lazers. And sharks. Lazersharks. In space.

For an unfinished first approach of this story, click here. (Password is password. Yeah I know, creativity.)

Story Four in my Dialogue-only Cycle:
Last Night, Pinkie Pie Exploded – My Perfect Gift for a Cellist – Let Me Tell You Where This Will End – Woohoo, We’re about to Crash – And Then Our House Went Boom

For more, check out the Group!