To Care About Someone Other Than Ones self (House M.D. Crossover)

by Hamon 240

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover, Human, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 2736

When Equestria's Doctors prove incompetent when trying to Rainbow Dash, Twilight wishes for the best team of Doctors to ever exsist

When Rainbow Dash's sudden illness seems to be too much for Equestria's best Doctors, Twilight summons the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital Team in a fit of rage. Now House, Wilson, Cuddy Chase, Taub, Foreman, and Thirteen must get to the bottom of this new case in a new world. And the solution will prove both surprising and saddling. But ultimately leads Wilson to confront House about what being a true friend really is.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-16 22:29:10 UTC

Colorful Ponies Of Equestria Meet, Dr. Gregory House

"Rainbow Dash that was awesome!" Scootaloo exclaimed admiring her role model's newest trick.

"Of course it was kid, I'm the one who did it!" Rainbow Dash replied boastfully.

"It may have been the best EVER!!!" the young filly continued to rave. "Could you teach me!"

"M-maybe another time, Scoots." Dash was starting to feel very weak, but shrugged it off.

"Awe, come on!" Scootaloo pressed.

"N-no...I'm not feeling too hot..." Dash replied. The weakness spread from her head to her legs. Suddenly she feel on her side.

"R-Rainbow Dash!?" Scootaloo started freaking out. "H-help! Somepony HELP!!!" Scootaloo continued to yell and scream for help. Finally Twilight and the others we're able to come to attention and help get Rainbow Dash some help. They took her strait to Ponyville's Urgent Care Center.

"Well there is pf course good news and bad news." Dr. Horse said as he came out of Rainbow Dash's room. "The bad news is: We don't have a clue what's going on with her."

"A-and the good news?" Fluttershy stammered.

"Her condition is stable. (HAHAHAH STABLE!!! HORSE PUNS!!!)" Dr. Horse replied.

"We're going to move her to Canterlot Main Branch Hospital." Nurse Redheart said.

"(HaHa main...MANE!!!)" Dr.Horse laughed to himself.

"I'll..." Twilight was cut off.

"We've already told  the Princess." Nurse Redheart continued.

"Everything will be ok." Spike reassured Twilight.

"If you say so." Twilight said.

Meanwhile at Princeston-Plainsboro Hospital.

"House! Why the HELL AREN'T YOU IN THE CLINIC?!" Cuddy shouted.

"A patient bit me. Making sure I don't have coodies." House replied. "Besides, Taub and Thirteen are in the Clinic, you don't need me too."

"Other than the fact that you owe more Clinic Hours than every other doctor here." Cuddy snorted back.

"Time is relative Dear Cuddy." House replied.

"Call me dear again and you'll owe so many Clinic Hours you'll never be able to retire." Cuddy threatened.

"Please, you could never deal with me that long." House retorted.

"True. I'd rather live in a world full of colorful horses!" Cuddy said as she slammed House's office door.

"Shut down!" Chase said.

"Shut up Chase." House replied. "Not like you could've dealt with that any better.

Rainbow Dash had now been placed in the ICU at Canterlot Main Hospital, and the Doctors could not seem to find out anymore than the Doctors at Ponyville Urgent Care.

"Princess...I'm worried..." Twilight said.

"It'll be OK, Twilight." Celestia said in a calming tone. "I have my best Doctors treating her."

"Princesses Twilight and Celestia, we don't know anything." the head Doctor said.

"WHAT?!!!" Twilight yelled.

"We just can't figure out what's wrong with her. It's like nothing we've ever seen before."

"Twilight, gettin' mad isn't going to help her." Applejack said.

"I know, but I just...I wish we had the best Doctors EVER TO EXSIST!!!" Twilight shouted.

After this Twilight's horn sparked and there was a sound, Like bodies hitting the floor on the floor under them.

House woke up in what seemed to be a Clinic Waiting Room.

"Am I in Hell?" he thought.

Next to him he could clearly see Taub, Chase and Thirteen. And closer to the front desk were Wilson and Cuddy.

"Must be cause I don't see Foreman." House continued thinking.

"What the Hell just happened?" Chase asked.

"Well guys it looks like we're not in New Jersey anymore, click your heels and say "There's no place like home!"." House said wittily.

"House this isn't the time for this." Cuddy sighed.

"Oh no, the Wicked Witch is here!!!" House mocked.

"W-who are you? You're humans!!!" Twilight stammered.

"Well either the Vicodin has finally caught up with me, or you guys can thank Dr. Cuddy for foreshadowing this unfortunate event." House said.

"D-did you say Doctor?" Twilight asked hopefully.

"Uh Yea. Can't you see the lab coats and fancy I.D. Badges?" House replied sharply.

"Sorry about him." Wilson said. "I'm Dr. James Wilson."

"Lisa Cuddy."

"Robert Chase."

"Chris Taub."

"They just call me Thirteen."

"And the sarcastic ass you've been talking to is Dr. Gregory House." Wilson continued.

"He doesn't look like a donkey to me!" Pinkie Pie commented.

"Wait a minute. Dr. Foreman by the way. But how did we get here?" Foreman asked as he joined the others.

"Ah, Dr. Foreman there you are. Take the underground route?" House said racially insensitive.

"Shut up House." Foreman replied.

"Well you see. This is Equestria." Twilight answered. "And you're here because I summoned you. On accident."

"Why does that seem like a Fanfiction cliche?" House thought.

"How?" Chase asked skeptically.

"My friend Rainbow Dash is really sick, and no one can figure out why. So I freaked out and wished for the "Best Team of Doctors To Ever Exist."." Twilight answered Chase.

"And Boom here you are." Pinkie added.

"Well I'd love to stay, but we really should be getting home. Think I left the stove on." House said.

"No House we can't just leave!" Thirteen halted.

"What? Do you think they're cute? Send us home now!" House demanded.

"Dr. House's Team will gladly take the case." Wilson announced.

"We're Doctors not Veterinarians!" House shot back.

"Just take the case." Cuddy agreed with Wilson.

"Fine, I'll take the case of the Pretty Pony. But I expect for some Clinic Hours to disappear." House replied.

"Oh Thank You Dr. House!" Twilight exclaimed.

"Yea Yea whatever." House answered as he took two Vicodin. "Gonna be a long day."

I Have No Creative Name For This Chapter

"What's going on, guys?" Rainbow Dash asked as House's team and Twilight walked into her room. "Who's that?"

"I'm Doctor House." House replied. "And you must be Rainbow Dash. You certainly earned your name. How much LSD it take?"

"What the?" Dash was confused by House's sarcasm.

"Um, don't mind his...comments Rainbow Dash. Anyway Dr. House and his team have agreed to study your case and help you recover." Twilight answered her friend.

"Uh, OK then. Yes I'm Rainbow Dash." Dash said, skeptical of whether House was a real Doctor or this was all a joke Twilight was playing on her.

"So Skittles, what were you doing when you passed out?" House started a line of questioning.

"Flying tricks." Rainbow answered. She then tensed as she saw Taub come in with a syringe in hand.

"Just taking a Blood Sample." Taub eased the pegasus.

"Yea Taub wouldn't rape an animal. You're not Kosher anyway." House commented.

"House could you not." Taub pleaded.

"What? Demean you in front of our new technicolor pony friends? But it's so fun." House replied. "Speaking of rape, are you sexually active Mrs. Dash?"

"Wha?" Dash was caught off guard by this question.

"Is someone "Tasting the Rainbow.", so to say?" House extended on his question.

"That's a bit personal!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

"Well answer or I'll just assume you're a whorse." House shrugged.

"F-fine. No I am not." Dash answered.

"Oh really?" House confirmed. "Ok." and he left the room to head to an office set aside for him and his team to discuss the case.

"Taub is running the Blood Tests now." Chase commented as House walked into the room.

"Yes I know." House replied. "Thirteen and Foreman, have one of the patient's friends take you to her home so you can snoop around. Make sure Little Miss Rainbow isn't "Taking It Hard."."

"I'm guessing she said she's not sexually active?" Thirteen asked.

"Of course she did. Why would these little things answer any differently." Cuddy answered. "What an insensitive question!"

"Of course she said she wasn't. But not why Dr. Cuddy has said." House replied.

"Ooo I know." Wilson mockingly raised his hand.

"Yes, the tall one in the back." House said pointing his cane at Wilson.

"Everybody Lies. Right Mr. House?" Wilson answered, keeping the classroom joke going.

"Correct you earn a gold star." House responded. "Everybody Lies. Now, everyone go."

"Wait!" Chase halted.

"What is it?" House whined.

"We don't have a diagnosis!" Chase answered.

"It can wait till Taub runs all his tests." Cuddy said. "House you can go help in their Clinic. I'm still your Boss you know."

"What? Why?!" House exclaimed.

"Well you did say you wanted "Some Clinic Hours to disappear."." Cuddy explained. "Wilson, go with him to make sure he does his job."

"Mooooom, this is unfair!!!" House mocked.

"Go on now." Cuddy shooed House.

"Let me find a save point first!" House whined.

"Twilight, are you sure this House guy is the best Doctor for me?" Rainbow asked Twilight.

"He's supposed to be the best doctor to ever exist." Twilight replied. "And other than his sarcastic remarks, he seems to be a good guy."

"Yea I guess. I trust you Twilight." Rainbow Dash said.

"It'll be OK." Fluttershy calmed Dash. "Maybe human humor is just different from our own?"

"I'll say!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. "What is "Sexually Active."? Sounds fun!"

"Oh don't worry about that."" Cuddy said as she walked into the room. "Defiantly something you ponies don't need to be mixed up in. I just came to see how you're doing Mrs. Dash."

"I'm good." Rainbow remarked. "Hey, you're Dr. House's boss right? Is he really as good as everyone says he is?"

"Yes." Cuddy answered after a small pause. "He just has a hard time seeing when he's crossed a line."

"Isn't that the truth..." Dash sighed.

When House and Wilson walked into the Clinic, House went directly to the Waiting Room.

"Hello, sick Ponies and their loved one's. I am Doctor Gregory House, you can call me Greg." He announced.

"House what are you doing?" Wilson questioned.

"This little ray of sunshine is James Wilson." House continued.

"Oh please don't!" Wilson pleaded.

"If you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. It's Vicodin. Mine, you can't have any." House blabbed on.

All the ponies in the room had the same coherent thought: "This man is crazy!"

"No I don't have a pain management problem, I have pain problem. But who knows, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell!" House rambled. "So who wants to be examined by me?" he waited a few seconds. "And who'd rather wait for their usual Doctor?"

Everypony's hooves raised for the second option.

"Well I've been assigned to Exam Room 3 if you need me." House said and left the waiting room.

"Oh God, for once would it kill you to do your job!" Wilson yelled. "Hey the grey pony with wings, come with me to Exam Room 3."

"OK!' Derpy said and followed Wilson, with out a care in the world.

Meanwhile, Taub had just finished the Blood Tests. And he didn't know if what he found was good or bad. But he knew he had to report it to House and soon.

Chp3

"OK...?"

"Derpy." the mare told House her name.

"You can say that again. Are you here about your eye, cause I'm not a Ophthalmologist." House replied.

"HOUSE!" Wilson exclaimed. "You can't pick on her like one of your normal patients! Can't use see there's another reason..." But he was cut off by a muffled whimper.

"N-normal?" Derpy asked.

"Oh great you made it cry..." House complained.

Just then Taub came into the room.

"Sorry to interrupt but we need you in the meeting room." he said.

"Awww man, well I'm sure Wilson wouldn't mind taking over." House replied. "Thanks Wilson."

"But!"

Wilson was cut off by the closing Door of Exam Room 3. "I guess it would kill him to do his job..."

"How was the blood work?" House asked as they walked down to the hall where the meeting room was.

"Well.."

"What Dr. Taub? She have a high midiclorian count? Cause if that's the case, Get her to Master Yoda we must." House interjected impatiently.

"There was a high level of blood cells, but one other thing." Taub answered.

"OK, what was this, "Other Thing."?" House pressed.

"I don't know how to explain it. It must be something only these ponies get, because I've never seen it before." Taub said.

"Great. Just what we need a vague symptom we know nothing about." House commented. "Are Foreman and Thirteen back yet?"

"No." Chase answered as Taub and House entered the meeting room.

"OK then why don't you see a pony about a wallaby with bad glaucoma and we'll regroup when they return." House retorted. "Taub, I want you to study any pony exclusive diseases and conditions."

"Well I don't see anything that would suggest sexual activity." Foreman said as he and Thirteen continued their search of Rainbow Dash's house. Fluttershy, prompted by Twilight of course, had helped them get in. But it seemed that the two human doctors could not find anything that could help them.

"It's like Dr. Cuddy said. Why would these poor innocent animals be raging sex addicts." Thirteen replied.

"Or both her and House are wrong and we can go home." Foreman said throwing his hands out to his sides. Where he knocked over a pile on things. But what interested him the most was a small picture. He only saw the back it read "TS-1 Incident Evidence - Blackmail Picture #3" "Looks like someone needed an Attorney." Foreman laughed turning over the picture. "Oh God!" he shouted jumping back.

"What?" Thirteen questioned his reaction. "What could be so bad?"

"I never knew a horse could do that!" Foreman answered showing her the picture.

"Well then." Thirteen commented with raised eyebrows. "It says it was a Blackmail picture. Should we show House?"

"On one hand he torments the patient over something that already haunts her, on the other he off our asses and just poking fun at another patient." Foreman answered.

"So yes then?" Thirteen asked.

"Why not." Foreman answered. "It might be useful."

House rushed into Rainbow's room.

"So you must be into some weird stuff." He said.

"What are you-" But she stopped when she saw the picture in House's hand. "Where in Hell did you get that!?"

"The Embarrassing Photo Fairy gave it to me." House answered. "But I guess you'd know him as Dr. Foreman. I had him investigate your house for any clue that might have caused your condition."

"That's an invasion of privacy! I want my lawyer!" Dash yelled.

"What the same lawyer that defended you in this case?" House asked. "Don't bother, we had permission from your friends to search."

"Why would they...?" Dash stammered.

"Because you ponies trust too easily." House said. "So you don't suppose that the activity may have have at least caused the break in your left wing?"

"W-what?" Dash exclaimed.

"Remember the scan we took earlier? It showed that your wing bones in particular have become very brittle." House answered.

"That's impossible!" Rainbow shouted. "I am in TOP condition. Always have been!"

"Then what the Hell are you doing here?" House shot back. "Tell your friends that so I can get out of this place."

"Tch." Rainbow recoiled. "I-I have no idea if it's related to the picture. Or rather what's in it. It's like it was just there to in an attempt to make fun of me and has no real value but for you to have your shits and giggles."

"That could be possible." House said. "The Universe must really hate you."

"So could it be some weird pony STD?" Chase asked as all the Doctors sat down.

"I don't know. Why don't we ask Dr. Taub, I had him study the diseases that seemed exclusive to this world. What do you think?" House replied.

"Well seeing the umm, picture, led me to believe it could be a contributing factor. But nothing seemed to fit. Then we had to add the fact that her bones are degrading." Taub said. "I honestly think that Foreman picked up that picture so you'd make fun of the patient."

"Bone Degrading could point to auto immune." Thirteen suggested.

"What's my one rule when diagnosing a patient?" House sighed at this. "It's. Never. Lupus."

"There are more auto immune diseases than Lupus." Thirteen retorted.

"Inflammation Perturbs can cause bone loss." Chase said.

"Good try. One problem though, she's not a Preterm Baby." House interjected. "Even then her eyes are fine."

"As far as we know. We haven't tested her eyes." Thirteen said.

"Alright, assuming that Chase's theory is correct, exam her eyes. We'll go from the results." House decided. "Class dismissed.