Chapter 1

Well this is weird. Never once have I attempted to write a story. Actually that is not entirely true but those stories were taken on while I was very young and to be honest they were terrible. Sure I thought they were decent at the time but never once have looked back and said “man, I was definitely a good writer back then”. I would draw most of the time. I love sketching and free handing anything I can see or imagine. Despite what you might think I do not consider myself a very good artist. Mediocre I feel best describes my style and while I still enjoy sketching from time to time the more I look the more inadequate my skills seem I could try my absolute best to convey a meaning through a picture but in the end I always felt it fell short.

So here I am trying to think of some way to put this…. that’s just it I can’t really explain what this is. Perhaps it was a journey filled with self-discovery or maybe an epic filled with acts of heroism and bravery. I don’t know but maybe by putting it out in the open can help enlighten the issue.

Sweltering. That is how I felt both inside and outside. I clenched my hand flexing it to the point my knuckles turned white. The veins popped out a bit and pulsated ever so slightly. I would call this a coping mechanism I use to get through the day. College English was the name of the game, the interesting details pertaining to an ancient epic were flooding out of my professor’s mouth. It helped keep me distracted I barely noticed how tight and uncomfortable my digits had become. That is until I heard my knuckles cracking and quickly unclenched my hand rotating my wrist a bit to get rid of the soreness and brought my attention to the window as I watched numerous students mechanically come and go to and from classes. When I was out there with them I was normally taller than most being at 6ft 3 in with short black hair usually buzz cut. Normally sporting a shaven look despite the fact I could easily grow a beard. I have bad teeth never had braces but, my mouth was never so bad that I needed them desperately. Just a bunch of gaps between each tooth that were somewhat yellowing. I have big lips and big ears not much muscle to speak of except for what resided in my legs which I felt were the strongest part about me seeing as I ran cross country for many years and continued to run not competitively in college. Overall I am unattractive and weak.
Most days I could get by putting on a neutral face and going through it as though my life as a college student were as easy as it could be. Where the only things I had to worry about were when should I study or whether or not I should ditch class to play some videogames like StarCraft. After all everyone within my major was always kind to me never berating always welcoming me to whatever they were doing. And I consistently thought to myself what do I have to complain about people are kind to me my college is twenty minutes from the pacific there is nothing wrong with my family they support me and do all they can for me. Then why was it I always felt like I was worth worse than nothing? Why I was so weak compared to everyone else.
“Sam, can you please explain what you thought of Gilgamesh’s solo journey and its significance compared to the quest he took on with Enkidu?” “Sam?”

I snapped back to reality and quickly explained my answer which seemed to be satisfactory as my English professor decided to move on. My mind drifted back to its main train of thought and the Darkside came out. I always told myself I am weak this is the truth you are worthless. You can try as you might but in the end you will never amount to anything, You tell yourself you can make up for your weakness by giving up everything for someone else but, in the end what do you have to offer that they couldn’t get somewhere else? Where they could get something more than what you could ever possibly offer.
My hand clenched instinctively trying to force the stress out in a way no one would notice. The dark side continued on berating myself internally I struggled to ignore it hoping to avoid attracting undue attention. Sweat was forming on my brow, arms, and my legs. My fingers grew moist and I began frantically sliding my fingers against each other in an attempt to hide my distress. The dark side always explained that people do not need to hear your petty problems nor do they need to care about you at all. You have nothing to offer except pathetic problems that you should be able to contain on your own. I am pathetic truly pathetic.

I couldn’t take it I had to leave luckily for me the prof decided we had discussed enough for the day and we left early. I bolted out of the room trying to clear my head. I needed to be completely alone. Clenching my hands I walked out to a deserted lawn in front of the building my English class was in. I laid myself down, the grass was very wet but I really didn't care. I laid there for what felt like hours eyes closed trying to distract myself. Suffice to say it wasn’t working I needed feel pain.

Pain to me was like a personal cure for my stress. If I could push myself to the point of agony I could and would feel better some of the time. Whether this be in athletics or study the latter usually involving a knife of some sort where I would carve lines into my shoulders and lower neck. Places people don’t see. This time however, getting up from the grass I decided as soon as I got back to my apartment I would run. Running was somewhat easy for me so pushing myself usually meant distance wise going very far from campus. I would leave around six pm and return around eight pm each time I was out there I never wanted to comeback. I wanted to simply disappear. And this time I felt certain I would work up the courage to do just that.

I walked back towards my on-campus apartment complex at a brisk pace weaving through the throngs of students enjoying one another’s company.
“SAM!” I looked to see who called my name and it was none other than Catherine. AKA the goddess on campus.
I slowed my pace and put on my neutral face attempting to hide my discomfort. I desperately wanted to reach my apartment.
I spoke up once I reached Catherine, she was sitting on a bench texting by her apartment building
“Hey Katie.” I said politely.
“Hey” so I just finished texting Ian and we think that our next geology club meeting should have a better sandwich bar.” “You think you could bring some bread and extra condiments for it?”
Considering Katie was the closest thing I had to a friend in this place I could hardly refuse her. Just like how I couldn’t refuse her when she asked if I could be a geology club officer. We had shared many classes together but we weren't exactly close. I would question sometimes whether I meant anything to her at all but, regardless I was always polite and kind to her more so than I was with anyone else. Oh and did I mention she used to be a model for a clothing brand Hollister I think. In my eyes she is the most beautiful girl I have ever met.
“Sure” I replied trying to speed things along by avoiding conflict “is there anything else you need?” secretly hoping she would say no. as I could never deny her anything.
With a happy face she answered “Nope that’s all I’ll be bringing some stuff too along with Amanda.” Then do you really need me to bring anything at all if you two already have it covered I thought to myself figuring I am not really needed to contribute anything but decided not to voice my complaint she doesn’t need to hear it. I looked back down at her phone a sneer I noticed appeared on her face.
“Something wrong?” She answered in disgust “Ian just texted me saying he won’t make it to the next meeting!” “ugh I am so stressed out.” Knowing how much Katie would normally put on her plate each quarter at college I wasn't surprised. She never knew when she had taken on too much until it was too late.
“Just take a deep breath and calm down” thinking back that seems really hypocritical for me to say.
Ignoring what I said Katie proceeded to explain all the problems plaguing her including what her boyfriend had done that really ticked her off.
All I could think of in reply was “wow…. Katie you really need to slow your life down if your boyfriend is bugging you try talking it out no sense in stressing over something you guys won’t talk about”
She appeared to ignore me either that or didn’t seem to hear me completely. I guess I do have a soft voice.
“Anyway” she exasperatedly replied “I need to start studying for my calc quiz tomorrow. Argg I have so much to do. Bye Sam.”
Just like that she gathered up her stuff off the bench and headed indoors.
“Bye Katie” I called out.
I let out a sigh and sadly watched her enter her building. I have always known I never had a shot with her from the day we met in our Earth Science orientation class. I told myself you could never be good enough for her you are weak and pathetic there is nothing you could ever offer her that she couldn't find somewhere else. That pretty much sums up how I felt with all my relationships with other people. I am simply a ghost that does his best to give something meaningful to your life but in the end it matters not. I am not needed around.

With new resolve I ran into my building. Upon entering my room I slammed the door. Taking deep breaths trying to calm myself as leaned against the door. Darkside was still there. It continued to say “Sam what are you doing?” do you see how pathetic and weak you look right now. I looked into the mirror built into my small closet. I saw my face how disgusting it was made worse by anguish I was feeling at the time. Not thinking I ripped off my shirt grabbing my Swiss army knife and dug the cold blade into my shoulders. “Harder deeper” the voice urged on as I felt the pain and blood begin to pool on my pale shoulders. I looked to my arm where I saw that the cuts I previously had given myself were healing. I took the knife to them again removing the black scabs and watching as fresh blood and agony spurt from my skin. I was completely aware that what I was doing to myself was wrong and I needed to stop. I threw the knife from my hand and quickly place my running clothes on and walked outside.
Leaving my apartment around seven pm I realized it would be dark soon. I looked up at the sky the sun slowly disappear behind the horizon while new rain clouds took its place. Perfect I thought. Perhaps I’ll disappear in weather I actually enjoy. Unlike most people I loved storms and especially the rain. I would take a rainy day that was windy and freezing cold over a sunny temperate one in a heartbeat. The Darkside spoke up “Get a move on. run, run until your lungs burst, until blood runs out your nose then keep going until you die.”

I couldn’t have agreed more so I left running at my race pace off campus into the steep twilight covered hills behind the apartments. Rain was beginning to fall.

Author's Note

So this is the start/background for our protagonist if you could of guessed, I know it doesn't really start on the mlp side of things but don't worry it gets into it soon. again I thank you for any feedback as I said there are quite a few chapters after this.