What Ponies Do In Their Spare Time

by Dizzy_Pink

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Random, Slice of Life, Dark, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Romance
Length: 5105

Everything isn't right in Equestria. This story tells the tales of what goes on between episodes of our favorite show, and it is not for everyone.

To say that Equestria is a perfect place would be ignorant and simply false. What actually goes on when the ponies aren't on their best behavior? Prepare to be thrown into a world of debauchery, poor life choices, and stupidity on a level that will make you angry. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Published 2014-11-15 23:10:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-15 23:10:08 UTC

1 - Tough Times

Slowly awakening from her peaceful rest, Twilight wiggled around under the covers of her bed trying to find that magical warm spot that you can never find again after waking up. She looked over at the clock on her nightstand and smiled seeing that it was only five o'clock. Her schedule didn't start until six that day so she could sleep in. Just as she was nestling back into her pillow and closing her eyes there was a knock on the door. She groaned to herself and wrapped the pillow around her head to cover her ears, but quickly found that it did no good, as the knocking got louder when it wasn't attended to.

There soon came a third, slower knocking that was more powerful than the first, along with a voice. "Princess, you're behind on your rent again." it said in a gravelly tone. Twilight sank into her bed with sudden depression knowing that she didn't have any money.

She sat up in bed wrapping the covers around her and screamed out waking up Spike and Owlowiscious, "FUCK, I PAID YOU ALREADY!"

"Not for this month," the landlord said through the door without missing a beat, "It's May. Do you even keep track of things past a day to day basis?"

Twilight realized that she actually did not. If something wasn't happening soon it didn't tend to bother her in the slightest, especially if it wasn't what she wanted to be doing. "FUCK that noise bitch, I'm going back to sleep." she yelled into the air, serving to frighten her two companions.

The landlord knocked on the door twice as hard as he could, more out of frustration than anything. "You fucking cunt, you're gonna pay up by tomorrow morning, OR I'M EVICTING YOUR ROYAL ASS!" He began to walk away from the door, but his curiosity stopped him when he heard a banging from inside and hoofsteps by the door.

Twilight managed to stumble down the steps with her blanket wrapped around her then trip on the table before she got to the door, opening it as quick as she could with a nervous smile that faded into a worried panting. The landlord, Penniless was a tan and tall stallion with dark blue eyes and a thinning brown mane and tail, both that he kept short. Twilight cowered behind her blankets from the wind as she shakily begged, "Please don't do this to me, I've been running this library for years,"

"Libraries ain't cheap." Penniless muttered to the ground as Twilight rambled on past him.

"All my friends are in this neighborhood,"

"Maybe they might have some advice." Penniless said with a chuckle.

"It would ruin my life if you did this to me!" Twilight bit her lip holding a hoof to her chest, urging Penniless to see the situation differently.

"Look," Said the annoyed stallion, "I need that money to feed MY family. You don't have money, means I don't have money. I really wish I could help you, but I can only give suggestions." He chattered over his shoulder quickly as he turned around to leave.

Twilight followed him quickly on his side, dragging the blanket along the dirt with her saying, "Wait, please, I'll do anything for more time. Give me a week, I'll..." Gulping hard, with much thought she lowered her head close to Penniless's ear and whispered, "I'll suck your dick, alright? For a week." Hating herself for it immediately. She thought of Rarity and how slutty she acted all the time. Twilight was now no better than her.

Penniless shook his head, disappointed and walked faster, though he couldn't shake the purple whore trailing him. "Oh how the high have fallen. No, I don't want your teeth anywhere near my junk, you shut-in virgin."

"How would you know how much I have sex?" She retorted annoyed.

Penniless chuckled and scoffed out "From lookin' at ya, you dumb fuck. Now get out of my face," He stepped on the corner Twilight's now dirty blanket and ran off as it unravelled, freezing her in place from the cold.

Shivering and clenching her teeth to stop them from chattering, Twilight gathered up her blanket feeling dirt all over it. She held it out from her with magic and rushed back home and inside, internally cursing Penniless. Slamming the door shut, she was greeted with Spike who was holding a bowl of cereal sitting at the upended table.

She sighed and threw the covers down beside the door slowly stalking into the kitchen to fill her hurting stomach. She soon returned and flipped the table back the right way, placing her bowl on it with Spike's and sitting to eat. She suddenly developed a headache when the dragon started talking in his annoying, squeaky voice.

"Twi, are we gonna be alright?" Spike said, taking a bite of his cereal.

Twilight winced as she started to eat, her jaw muscles hurting her headache with each gritting crunch of her teeth. "Yeah," she said, lying to herself, "We're fine, Spike. Could you send a letter out for me after breakfast? Get Trixie to visit, tell her it's important or some shit."

"Alright, but it might be hard to find her. She moves around a lot." Spike said before drinking down the milk from his bowl and scampering to the kitchen with it.

Twilight looked around the room as a nausea inducing thought floated around the edges of her thought. She tried to push it away, but found no good substitute. Spike wouldn't tell anyone, after all. "Hey, Spike..." She called into the kitchen, "What's the most expensive gem you have?"

The purple dragon came back into the room sans bowl and hummed as he thought about the question. "Hmm...I think my six inch ruby. Why?"

The purple Princess laughed to herself as she considered the irony of the measurement before asking the vile question to her innocent little helper, "Do you want a blowjob?"

"What's that?" Came the expected, sexually ignorant reply.

Twilight bit her lip, hating herself as she turned around trying her best to adopt a sensual smile. "They're not exactly cheap..."

2 - Wingas With Attitude

Twilight spat the buildup of toothpaste out for the third time since she started brushing her teeth. She had given up on disgustingly staring at herself in the mirror hoping for her outlook to change, and was turned to the side looking out the small window while she brushed. Four times over and she could still taste the thick, sticky white muck that she had made the mistake of swallowing. She wanted to at least make it worth it for Spike since she felt so bad about taking his most precious gem from him, but she was so disgusted that she found herself regretting it. That was the last time she wanted to ever taste dragon cum.

After finding it futile to try and wash it out, she thought about eating something to overpower the wild berry mixed with sulfur taste in her mouth. She dreaded exiting the bathroom and having to face Spike for her reward that she worked so hard for, but she wasn't going to let an hour and a half of building up a neck cramp be meaningless, so she left the bathroom after spitting one final time and cursing dragons' lack of sensitivity.

Just as Twi was creaking the door open she heard a knock on her door. What is it now? She thought to herself, wishing only to sell the gem and end this torture. "Coming!" She rang out with mock enthusiasm while on her way to the front door. She opened it with the most authentic smile she could muster and instantly lost it in place of a sigh. "What do you want, Rainbow?"

"Jeez, calm down bruh, you tryna hide from us?" Rainbow Dash shouted brazenly as she barged her way inside, not bothering to take off her sunglasses or restrain her long golden hashtag chain. Twilight opened her mouth to refute her but was cut off by yellow wings smoothly brushing under her chin. Fluttershy snuck in behind Rainbow and took place leaning over the back of the armchair that Rainbow had slouched into. Just as Twilight was starting to tell them to get out, Fluttershy sat a bong on the table. It was the most colorful, pink, orange, and green tornado bong that she'd ever seen.

Fluttershy reached over Rainbow Dash and dropped the pipe on the table with a solid two clinks as it met the wood, followed by a lighter that bounced a bit before coming to rest. She then hung her front hooves over the back of the chair and kissed Rainbow on the top of her head as she played with her tuft of soft coat hair on her chest. "Don't mind it bae, she thinks it's not cool." The words flowed out of Fluttershy's mouth like anything else she would say, with her sweet, gentle tone that floats around her head baiting your ear to listen. Twilight thought that when paired with words like bae it didn't sound quite as melodic, and it sickened her that her friends did drugs, especially as extravagantly as to buy a bong and bring it to a library that was also her own home.

"You two need to get that thing out of here." Twilight started, then in a lower tone, taking a step forward said, "If Spike sees that, I'll have to give him an answer. Do you guys know how curious he is?" She spun around and opened the door, pointing a hoof demandingly outside, but was shocked to notice a palm sized clear plastic bag on the table and Rainbow leaning forward to do something with the bong that Twilight thought might've been the slightest bit illegal. She bounded to Rainbow's side and held her hoof over her friend's making her stop cramming weed into the removable side piece as she reprimanded her. "What do you think you're doing? I'm not going to let you fill my house with bong smoke!"

Rainbow chuckled as she handed the bong back to Fluttershy who took it to the kitchen. When she was done staring at the swollen yellow flank wave back and forth, she turned to Twilight. "Bong smoke? You think you smoke the bong? Hell, Twi, I gotta treat you right now. We blazin' together, come on I'll teach you."

"Did you even hear me?" Twilight raised her voice, startling Spike who dropped his big red ruby down the stairs and fell down after it trying to catch it again. He laughed nervously to himself blushing and held up the gemstone to Twilight, who quickly snatched it up, trying to hide her own blush by turning her head certain ways. Her efforts were nullified when Spike opened his mouth though.

"Oh...that's the one I promised from earlier. I uh...thanks..." Spike licked his lips and tried to avoid eye contact with Twilight who did the same.

Rainbow Dash had finished packing the slide to Fluttershy's bong and held it up to her nose inspecting it making slight changes. She hadn't taken any interest in the gem or Spike and Twilight was thankful for that, but not Fluttershy walking back to the table with a bong full of water hanging from her mouth. Twilight shivered with anxiety and quickly thought of an excuse to get Spike away. "U-uh...Spike! I think that Sweetie Belle wanted you for a cutie mark experiment over at Carousel Boutique." She said as she quickly stepped in the way of the little dragon's sight of Fluttershy.

"You sure?" Spike tapped his lip as he said curiously, "I thought that the Crusaders were going to visit Applebloom's cousin." He had barely finished his sentence when Twilight shifted around him and pushed him to the door and, using magic she made the door flick open for just the second she needed to push Spike out.

Just as the door slammed shut she yelled out "Haveagoodtime!" before turning her annoyed expression to the pegasi getting high in her living room. Rainbow Dash raised the bong inviting Twilight over right before she ripped a hit, holding it for what seemed like an unnatural amount of time. Twilight became worried, as she couldn't tell if her friend was losing oxygen because she was already blue. "Uh, Fluttershy..." She said, "Is she supposed to hold her breath that long?"

Fluttershy gave a cute giggle and swished her tail side to side. "Don't worry silly, she's a flier so her lungs are strong enough for it." she finished saying just as Rainbow Dash exhaled releasing a torrent of smoke upward and leaned back in the chair coughing the last bit out of her lungs. Fluttershy leaned over the back of the chair again and tilted Rainbow's head back up kissing her on the lips as she held her cheeks.

"That's it." Twilight spat out with fury, "I'm not accommodating you addicts anymore!" She flared her horn with magic and swung the door open hard enough to hurt wherever it hit on her tree and pointed an expectant hoof out the door. "Out, now!"

The liplocked fillies parted slowly, gazing into each other's eyes before giggling to themselves rudely eyeing Twilight. "Dude..." Rainbow said, "You can't get addicted to weed." The two cackling pegasi hugged as Fluttershy floated into Rainbow's lap and Dash placed the bong on her lover's lap. As Flutters put her mouth to the opening, Twilight snatched it and held it away from her friends making her way to the kitchen to dump out the water. She was tailed by both pegasi who were complaining incessantly until she tipped the bong upside down and the slide fell out eliciting a gasp from them, both trying to reach for it before it went down the drain.

Twilight placed the bong on the counter, rolled her eyes and groaned stepping away to clean up the illegal substance on her table. Shortly after she had made sure there was no marijuana anywhere else but the bag Rainbow Dash flapped her way out from the kitchen brushing off the slide. She was followed by Fluttershy who was carrying the bong below her hovering frame. "Bruh, that's a lot of money you almost wasted." Rainbow started, "'Shy got that shit PRIMO...TO-DAY...was some such like 80 bits. God damn girl, you even care?"

"No, as a matter of fact I DON'T care!" Twilight turned around shooting a beastly glare to accompany her vehement anger. "What kind of friends ARE you? You come in here without permission, do illegal drugs, and Spike is right he-"

"The fuck bruh?" Rainbow slurred her speech with equal distaste for Twilight, "Weed ain't drugs, that's like coke and shit. Weed's an herb, winga, whatchu think, I'm'a bring some shit in here's gonna make wingas batshit? Damn, son." Rainbow took the bong back from Fluttershy and replaced the slide, blowing on it once for good measure. "We just tryna chill, shit. You should too, you too turnt, winga."

Twilight's agitation was only growing with every word from Dash's mouth. "Don't call me winga, Dash, that's hateful and I wouldn't call you that. And What the fuck do you mean by turnt?" Twi sighed sitting by the two who resumed their position with Fluttershy sitting on Rainbow Dash's lap, starting to pack the slide again.

Fluttershy only sighed and said to Twilight, "My winga, you should chill with us more. You need to relax a bit, weed helps. We ain't never done crazy shit high on weed have we?" Twilight thought about this for a second, trying to let go of the blatant ignorant use of the word winga. Of course they hadn't really acted out while they were on marijuana, and Twilight could sure use a little relief right now. She also wanted the taste of dragon semen out of her mouth at all costs.

Twi sighed and lowered her head considering getting high for the first time. As ashamed as she was, she knew what it was like to be drunk and she definitely didn't mind that from time to time. If it was anything like alcohol, marijuana would be fun. "Fine I guess...I could try it, just for you guys."

"A'ight, there mah winga!" Rainbow blurted in excitement and shifted the bong to the table in front of Twilight. "First we gotta teach you how to use a bong so you don't break this shit..."

Spike finally came to Sweet Apple Acres after a long time of looking around town for the Crusaders. Carousel Boutique was empty, as well as Sugarcube Corner, and even the Town Hall. He had only gone on this wild goose chase for Sweetie Belle because Twilight's door was locked when he came back home. Spike dragged his feet up to the front door of the house when Applejack opened it before he could even touch it to knock. "Well howdy, Spike. I seen you comin' from the winduh. What could ya want at this hour?"

Applejack was ready for bed and missing her cowboy hat and hairbands, which made her mane widely frame and curl around her face. Spike noticed that it looked similar to Rarity's mane but more reserved, then noticed something else a little lower than his heart. He was having trouble keeping it in his scales. Was this why he felt so strongly for Rarity? Simply her hair? He couldn't possibly be that shallow, could he?

Spike stepped in when Applejack invited him, not wasting time to sit on the couch where he was quickly joined by the current target of his affection. "Um...I was looking for Sweetie Belle and the Cutie Mark Crusaders all over town." He said, "Twilight told me that they needed me to help them get a cutie mark."

Applejack put her hoof to her lips which Spike couldn't help but stare at, knowing now how they could be used. His gaze only drifted because her shining green eyes looked like perfectly spherical, delicious emeralds. They only served to help him imagine what it would be like to have her between his legs staring up at him with those magnificent eyes starting to tear up...he tried to shake the thoughts out of his head. He bit his lip awkwardly prying his eyes away from hers as Applejack noticed him staring. "Well," She started, "She hasn't been 'round here since dinner. Ah take it she's holed up in the clubhouse tryna get a ghost story cutie mark!"

"M-maybe...but it's way past my bedtime." Said Spike, "Twilight gets angry when I don't wake up early, I should really get back to the library." He made his way to the door but felt his legs wobble and knew he wouldn't make it all the way back to the library before he needed to rest.

Just then Big Macintosh came down the stairs, sans his ever present yoke, holding an empty glass and clipped his way to the kitchen bidding them both a yawn and a hearty "Aayep." Spike bit his lip thinking of what Big Mac would do to him if he tried anything with Applejack and gulped.

As Big Mac filled his water glass Applejack got an idea. "Hey Spike, why don't you let Big Mac take you to find the Crusaders?" She said, "What with you bein' tired and all, he can take you home afterward too. How's about it brother?" Big Mac nodded as he rubbed his tired eyes and set his water down. He smiled and had nothing else to say.

Sighing, Spike stepped toward Macintosh and climbed onto his back. "I guess that's kind of you guys. Thanks, Mac." Spike said as he leaned forward on him, gripping his mane and hoping that he doesn't start thinking about sex again. They trotted out the door at a quick pace, not quite a run though, in the direction of the Crusaders clubhouse.

3 - Change of Plants

Twilight coughed and hacked out her first puff of any type of smoke, let alone weed, to a chorus of laughter from her two pegasus friends. She glared at both but found it hard to talk, having to hold a whispering voice until the air was clear of the foul smoke "Guys I -cough- thought this stu -cough- stuff was -cough- supposed...to be good."

Fluttershy took a slow pull from the bong before taking the slide out and sucking in all the noxious smoke that Twi just choked on, taking it like a champ and holding it while she spoke with a forced voice, not breathing the whole time. "It's so great, Twi. Not the doing it, but the feeling of it." She emptied her lungs all at once with a slight controlled cough before passing it to Rainbow, who immediately started filling it by sucking up slowly while holding a lighter to the herb in the slide. "It's sort of disorienting but fun, kinda like an amusement park ride."

Rainbow Dash took a long suck in to punctuate Fluttershy's explanation. She held it with only a slight effect to her voice unlike Fluttershy. "Fucking stokes you, makes everything great, then you wind down." She keeps holding it in for what seems like a long time before slowly letting the smoke seep out of her mouth and twirl around her head. "This is good stuff too, my guy gives me the best he gets." It almost seemed to Twilight that Rainbow didn't even exhale.

"If you say so..." Twilight said as she accepted the bong again from Rainbow. The awful taste of dragon semen was gone, so she had achieved her goal and could stop, though something was telling her that she needed this. She lit the cherry and slowly sucked as she'd been instructed to fill the bong with smoke before she inhaled all of it at once, again coughing on the exhale as she passed it to Fluttershy, feeling weird in her stomach but nothing great. "I don't know what I'm doing wrong guys, I'm just not feeling it." She said sighing.

Fluttershy handed it back to her and cleared her throat to say, "I might know why. You have to hold it longer, that was my problem. You don't absorb enough of it when you exhale it right away. Try one more time."

"You sure?" Twilight said anxious about anypony barging in despite the late hour. "I don't want to do any damage to my-"

Twilight was interrupted by Rainbow with a long, teasing "Neeeeerd!"

Without missing a beat, the Princess spitefully lit up and sucked as much smoke as she could into the chamber as she stared down Dash with a silent, annoyed expression. She ripped the smoke up using her anger and frustration towards her friend to fuel her lungs to take in way more than normal and shakily held her breath with her eyes tightly shut...

Spike knew they were going the wrong way, but Big Macintosh wasn't answering any questions and he was going too fast to jump off without getting hurt. He just decided to hold on and trust the stallion, as he's never led anyone astray before, but that's not to say that he wouldn't have a reason to. Out of all the ponies in Ponyville Big Mac was the most straight edge, mature pony of all and didn't quite enjoy watching all the dirt that went on around him. Celestia knows how much abusive, sexually confusing incest he's heard through the old walls of the farmhouse that Applejack has forced on Applebloom, let alone how many times he's had to stop Applejack from coming onto him.

Very abruptly, Big Mac bucked Spike off against a tree in an unfamiliar part of the orchard, probably near a corner of the land they owned away from anypony else. Spike hit a rough knot knocking bark off the tree and slid down, Big Mac slowly walking to pin him to the tree before his stunned state wore off. "Yer sure stupid," He started, "Thinkin' that ah'd not notice that lie. Ah knew ah couldn't'a trusted a rotten snake"

Spike rubbed his back as best he could to make sure he wasn't bleeding anywhere from the impact. Macintosh however, seemed to be bent on making him bleed, since he pushed him harder against the tree putting his weight into it until the dragon cried out from being crushed. Spike barely coughed out "I was only told that they wanted me, please-"

"You can tell that fancy princess uh yur's not to come snoopin' in the Apples' business no more. This is the last time she pulls one uh her drunken pranks again." Big Mac said in a calm, venomous tone punctuated with a punch above Spike's head that all but broke the tree in two. "Ya'll got that?" He snorted in Spikes face and held his hoof back again to intimidate him, and it obviously worked, as Spike stared squirming to escape his grasp.

"Yes! Yes I'll tell her, no interfering, no drunk pranks! Please let me go." He managed to choke out between sobs from his collapsed scales on his back and the bloody beads running down his back and dripping off his tail.
Big Macintosh slapped him lightly for good measure before pushing himself off the defenseless baby dragon in a huff saying "Go on, yer runnin' home. And You'll be limpin' if I count to ten 'afore you git from mah sight." Spike ran crying aimlessly through the orchard forcing his burning, tired legs to save him from a beating hearing the slow counting increase behind him as it got farther away. "One...two...three..."

On the third count of the three mares' counting they all exhaled simultaneously upward followed by a roar of laughter from all three. "You two are sooo my wingers!" Twilight chuckled out, letting her front legs slide forward as she rested her chest on the table.

"Whoa, hard R," Rainbow said as Fluttershy gasped at the mispronunciation. "Shit, winga why you puttin' hate in it?"

Twilight was still recovering from the giggle fit as she pushed the words out her throat. "I thought you guys said it to me all the time. Don't I have wings? Can't I say it too?"

"It's different than that, you gotta know how to say it." Fluttershy added, "You said it like an earthy hick, not a real winga."

"I don't get you guys," The Princess chuckled as she took the bong and the lighter to spark up again. "Why would the pronunciation of a word matter that much?" She sparked the slide and began to fill the chamber.

"That's like everything though, you don't get it." Rainbow slouched in her chair letting her legs spread out comfortably. "There are different ways that different people say the word, and it's about the feeling you get when you hear it certain ways." Twilight pulled the smoke up and held it as Rainbow spoke. "Hicks'll say it tryna piss you off so they really pronounce that shit, you know? But a winga know how it is, he ain't gon' make it a big thing."

Twilight Slowly blew out a jet of smoke in front of her and used her magic to make it take the form of a ship flying through a ring, giggling to herself at the reference that neither of her friends seemed to notice. "I get you now, winga."

Rainbow's face lit up as she sat up to take a hit, "Yee winga, we crew now." She started her longest toke yet and held it pulling Flutters closer to her in order to kiss her and blow the hit into her lungs. Once she was sure Flutters was done inhaling she leaned back and blew out what little it was left and said "Now give Twi some love, girl."

Holding the smoke, Fluttershy leaned over the table to kiss Twilight, unintentionally accentuating her curves and making the alicorn hesitate. Was this how she wanted to view her friends now? What did this mean about her? Just as she was about to shake her head though, it was pushed forward by Rainbow's wing into Flutter's lips. Fluttershy waited to exhale, simply kissing Twilight and seeming to thoroughly enjoy it. Twilight got lost in the kiss and opened her mouth to tongue Fluttershy when she took the smoke down her throat. She felt Rainbow's hoof on her cheek and seen her other one on Flutter's when she flickered her eyes open before drawing back and holding the smoke. "Oh you two are so hot together." Rainbow said with a sigh letting her hooves go to her thighs, rubbing slowly and blatantly back and forth. "Mmm I so want both of you..."

"Now wait," Twilight started, forgetting about her smoke and coughing a little, "I wa -cough- was just -cough- ...I was forced into that..." She cleared her throat exhaling what she felt to be the rest of the weed smoke in her lungs before picking up again, when she noticed the two pegasi staring lovingly at her. "I don't want this to become a regular thing. I've had a rough day and needed to unwind, that's all. I had no idea I'd be kissing anypony tonight, especially not Fluttershy!" She noticed Fluttershy's hurt expression and sighed taking her hoof. "I didn't mean anything by that, you're a beautiful mare, and anypony who gets to kiss you should feel lucky, but I wasn't expecting it. I don't even know much about my sexuality yet."

"You don't think you should be experimenting at all then?" Said Rainbow, leaning closer to Twi with her face as she smiled warmly and seductively.

Twilight threw her gaze between the two ponies wildly, thinking a mile a minute about herself, her two friends, and what everypony else would think of her if she started to life as the two were implying she should. "No, I..." She sighed not knowing what to say to convince them of her standing, suddenly losing the ability to convince herself as well. "I guess...I could..."

Fluttershy got up on the table sliding the bong out of the way and planted kisses on Twilight's face as Rainbow sweetly caressed her, leaving her own chair and massaging her wings. "Don't worry bae, we'll go slow with ya." Slowly and with great convincing effort, the two pegasi ravaged Twilight Sparkle doing everything in their power to make her feel amazing.