1 - I Need Me A Pair Of These ✂
Chapter ✂: I Need Me A Pair Of These
Ever get the feeling that something is not quite right? That sensation when you walk into a room, or you’re meeting that gaunt pony with the tight vest and he smiles smarmily at you with his hoof held out? You feel it in your mane. How the hairs stick out, sending prickles of doubt and uncertainty cascading down your spine and shivering out the tips of your tail? That’s your hair. That’s your hair talking.
Usually they’re silent. They like to sleep, to just wave happily about on your smooth coat. They like to style themselves in different pigmentations. Blue, green, yellow, orange, brown, purple… you name it, there’s a colour for it. But hair tends to get bored sometimes and they like to act up when nopony is around to look at them. When you’re alone, and in the dark, they peek out to see what the heck is going on. Sometimes, just before the bad pony gets you, they scream out: ‘It’s here! Run!’.
You never listen to the hair. Let me assure you, they get quite frustrated when you don't.
This is a story about a purple-pigmented strand of hair sitting just to the right of a similarly hued unicorn. Fluffy Foo was generally happy to be a part of Twilight Sparkle’s coat. The diminutive hair strand thought Twilight was a bit of pedantic know-it-all but she wouldn’t trade her spot on Twilight’s shoulder for the world. This is despite the fact that Twilight never bothered to brush Fluffy down and had her twisted close next to Fuzzy Foozy, one of the most obnoxious hair strands on Twilight’s coat. Yet Fluffy still had a certain fondness for Twilight.
You might ask, why does Fluffy like Twilight so much?
It was simple. Twilight’s shoulder was perhaps the best view in all of Equestria. It was front-row access seats to the best action and adventure movie of all time. How many unicorns, let alone their hairs, could claim they had bore witness to manticores, dragons, changelings, kings, princesses and the greatest forces of good and evil alike? Why, not too long ago, Twilight and Fluffy had seen the reformation of the Lord of Chaos himself!
However, Fluffy was a little distracted today. Understandably distracted, for today was experimentation day. Twilight was cooped up in her small science lab, playing with dangerous chemicals. Chemicals that were decidedly inimical to hair life. Fluffy’s worst fear was hydrochloric acid. Not because Twilight spilled it anywhere near Fluffy, Fluffy didn’t envy those near Twilight’s hoof, but because the fumes tended to make her keratin feel all itchy.
Yet... it was not the hydrochloric acid that set Fluffy on edge. It was her fellow hair strands.
Fuzzy Foozy bent his follicular mass closer to Fluffy.
“Hey there good-looking. Nice to see you again. Getting a bit closer everyday? I know, it’s because of my keratin conditioning right? I had some extra growth and it’s coming in new today.”
If Fluffy had eyes, she would roll them impatiently. Fuzzy had the hair-raising habit of placing emphasis on his words. They made his inane prattling completely unbearable.
“Fuzzy stop,” she growled in reply. “You know just as well as I do that we don’t have a choice in the matter of our positioning.” Fluffy frowned. “You can’t even grow independently.”
“Well I’ll have you know-“
“Shh!” Fluffy perked up, she could feel a ripple pass through the ranks. “Oh no.”
“What?”
“Twilight’s attempting another experiment. She forgot to add the bis-phosphonate by-product to catalyse the thaumic chain.”
“The what now?”
“She added something in wrong. It’s going to explode.”
“Oh I see… wait what?!”
BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The explosion flattened the hair follicles around Fluffy, she instinctively ducked for cover and hoped for the best. That was the life of a hair. One day there, the next, on the teeth of a comb or mane brush. It was a tough life. Fluffy was glad she wasn’t on Rarity’s coat. That mare plucked out her hair sometimes. Sometimes she could hear their screams in her sleep.
“Oooooh,” Fluffy moaned pathetically. “Everystrand okay?”
She peeked around. All around her were smoking tips and half charred follicles. Everystrand was gone. Even…
“Fuzzy?” she called out. “Fuzzy!”
There was no reply. For once in her hair cycle, Fluffy missed that annoying little hair strand.
“Fuzzy!” she tried again. “I’m not joking around, Fuzzy, come on out!”
“Who’s saying that? Anypony there?!” A voice answered. It was a familiar voice, but the last one that Fluffy had expected to reply to her call.
“Fuzzy? Who’s Fuzzy? Hello?” Twilight continued. After a long silence, Twilight shook her head, sending wisps of air flowing around a distraught Fluffy.
“Fuzzy,” Fluffy whispered sadly. Then she sighed regretfully, it'd be a long wait until she could talk to Fuzzy again. “See you next cycle then.”
——
Huh, Twilight thought curiously. I didn’t expect that.
Twilight put a hoof to her chin.
Maybe I need a break. I was hearing voices before. That was weird. Was it the exploding potion? I was probably just tired...
Twilight shook her head again. She glanced at the clock.
Oh no! I’m almost late for-
“You’re almost late for your meeting with Pinkie.”
Twilight froze. There was that voice again.
She looked left.
She looked right.
“Hello?” she tried again as a shiver crept down her spine.
Where was that voice coming from?
“Over here.”
Twilight looked at the floor.
“No! On your shoulder, Twilight.”
Twilight shifted her gaze slowly to her shoulder. She noticed, quite distraughtly, that her shoulder was bare but for a single hair strand. It waved around mockingly in a field of charred hair remains. Twilight gulped. Her head whipped around frantically.
Oh Celestia, where was that voice coming from? How could it see my shoulder?
“Oh gosh, for the smartest unicorn since Star Swirl you can be thicker than half the books you read! I’m the hair on your shoulder. Here!”
Twilight returned her gaze to the burnt shoulder patch. The lone hair follicle waved again.
A sudden thought struck Twilight.
“Discord,” she hissed menacingly. She heard a despondent sigh.
“I wish it were so, Twilight,” the soothing voice continued. Twilight thought it sounded decidedly feminine. “But alas I believe Chaos magic is not a part of this. He is reformed, remember? I simply wish to go back to observing and talking without being heard,” it-she sighed again.
Twilight started. “You mean… all my hairs are alive?”
There was a snort. “Of course, if we weren’t you’d be balder than Gummy.”
"Gummy doesn’t grow hair.”
“Exactly.”
A pause.
“So in the shower?”
“Yep.”
“Going to school?”
“Yep.”
A pause.
“Behind that cake shop?”
“Yep.”
A longer pause.
“Magic kindergarten?!” Twilight squeaked.
“…Yeeeeep.”
Twilight collapsed with her hooves pressed firmly to her tightly shut eyes.
“And you sit there just watching us go about our business?”
“Weeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll, we also judge you.”
Twilight peeked out from behind her hooves.
“Judge us?”
“More like critiquing.”
“Critiquing?”
“Yep, so an example right there is repeating what other ponies say like a broken record. That’s definitely a minus one there.”
“Minus one?”
“You know, if you keep going I’m going to have to bring it down to minus two.”
Twilight got a crick in her neck from craning it to her shoulder. She huffed.
“Why would you do that? What could you possibly gain from judging us?”
“Oh no worries Twilight, you have quite a high score. Minus two hundred and seventy five million eight hundred and sixty two thousand three hundred and twenty five- wait -twenty seven counting those last two. You’re ranked number three in all of Ponyville! Congratulations!”
“Thank you,” Twilight blushed then caught herself. “Wait a minute, you haven’t explained why you keep score in the first place!”
The strand flittered a bit as Twilight’s hot breath passed through her keratin body.
“Well, if you must know it’s because we’re so dreadfully bored.”
“Bored?”
“What did I say about repeating yourself? Ugh, twenty eight- where was I? Oh yes, what would you do sitting on somepony's shoulder while she goes about her business? We compare scores whenever we meet up. Keeps things lively and a bit interesting. Just this other day you saw Fluttershy, didn't you? When you hugged, the hairs chatted for a bit. I met a strand named Furry, nicely kept strand, though a bit shy like her host.”
“Wha- host?”
“Well yes, if you’re going to compare us to something ecological I think we would fall under ‘symbiotic organism’. You give us nutrients through your skin and we grow and keep you warm and preserve your modesty most of the time. Could use a little more recognition, but hey you always thought we were just hair.”
“Don’t you call yourselves hair?”
“Yes, we do. Hmm, we should really come up with a better name. Oh well, for all intents and purposes we are hair. So I guess it doesn’t make a difference unless you’re talking to us.”
“I can’t deal with this, this is just a lot to take in. None of it really makes any sense.”
“I understand, Twilight. Are you thinking of sending a letter to the Princess?”
“What? Yes! No! What? Ugh, stop it! How did you know what I was going to do?”
“Well when you live with someone long enough you tend to know what they’re thinking. It’s an interesting phenomenon-“
“Ugh! Could you just be quiet for a bit?! I’m trying to think here.” Twilight rubbed her aching temples with her hooves. The strand fell silent.
Suddenly a bang echoed through the library basement. The sharp clatter of hooves reverberated down the stairs.
“Twilight!” an excitable, bubbly voice called out. “Twilight! My Pinkie Sense told me something big was going to happen here- woah! What happened to your coat?”
“Oh it was just a lab accident,” Twilight replied, smiling despite herself. It was always good to see a friend. “My hair started talking," she continued, sighing. "Do you know everypony has hair that’s alive? They keep tabs on us all the time!” Twilight laughed hard. “I must sound absolutely crazy to you now.”
Pinkie cocked her head and looked at Twilight in a way that made Twilight feel like she had just pointed out the obvious.
“Duh, that’s how my Pinkie Sense works. My hair is super, super smart! I just listen to it all the time! We even worked out a code for talking! Twitchy twitch!”
Twilight stared at Pinkie, her jaw agape.
“Hey,” Fluffy called out. “It’s the number one ranker! Yooooooo wassup?”
Author's Note
I just... I don't even know what I'm on.
P.S. I apologise in advance for my horrific grammar and structure. I should spend more time reading grammar guides.
P.P.S Seems like FimFic changes every time I jump back on it. Weow. I do like the import GDoc function. Double Weow.
Next Chapter: There isn't one. UNLESS I FEEL LIKE IT.
As always, my salacious and seductive readers, thanks for reading!
One thing to sum this fic up. Weow.
2 - The Vaguely Unlikely But Still Pretty Possible Story Of How Pinkie Was Saved By A Hair's Length, Literally
Chapter 2: The Vaguely Unlikely But Still Pretty Possible Story Of How Pinkie Was Saved By A Hair's Length, Literally
You know when you get excited and the hairs on the back of your neck start to stand up? That's not the vasoconstrictive effects of adrenaline, that's your hair standing up trying to get a closer look on whatever has gotten you hooked. They love a good watch and cheer as you go about your business, looking about at your surroundings. You don’t hear it, but if you could, your ears would flatten against your skull as countless hairs all cheer and shout. It’s a little like attending a football match at a stadium. Loud, proud and they’re rooting for the home team. In which case it is you. Of course, they’re a little biased. You feed them, give them a place to live and sometimes, if you’re nice, you brush them.
I know what you’re thinking.
Why do hairs like being brushed?
Hairs don’t like to be tangled with other hairs. I mean, how would you like it if somestrand wrapped itself around you and started hugging you? And that you couldn’t move away because you were physically incapable of doing that. Also, being brushed felt a little like a massage.
And who doesn’t like massages?
The one exception of this general rule was Pinkie’s mane. I mean look at it. It’s a disaster! But among the occasionally disgruntled hairs on Pinkie’s body, there was one that was never upset with her circumstances.
This a story about a hair on Pinkie’s head. Froopy Fromp chose Pinkie as the favourite pony host for hairs living in Ponyville. Froopy likes the fact that Pinkie lets the hairs grow out all crazy and long (hairs don’t like to be cut). Froopy also likes the fact that she eats lots of gelatinous foods, which makes for good keratin. Also, it’s nice to finally talk to somestrand, err, somepony other than your next door neighbour strands. Thank the All-Hair for somepony that can finally talk to hair!
Froopy Fromp was an excitable hair strand. Froopy was always making jokes, laughing inanely and throwing glitter all over the place. Sometimes, when Pinkie suddenly rains confetti, that’s not really Pinkie, that was Froopy, and Froopy loves the confused reactions someponies have when confetti pops out of nowhere. Hilarious.
Froopy was having a particularly good day. No strand had been flattened, Pinkie had somehow managed to get the last bits of flour out of her thick mane from the last time the Cake twins had started crying, and Pinkie didn’t forget to use conditioner this time. Froopy was positively shining, literally.
Along Pinkie’s jaunt out of Sugarcube Corner, Froopy had decided to engage Pinkie in some casual conversation. In between dodging a few accidents and disasters around Ponyville through some involved and coordinated signalling via Pinkie’s hair, Froopy talked to Pinkie about finally visiting Twilight for that meeting.
Pinkie giggled and pronked on the spot.
“Oh yeah!” she laughed, bounding along. The others strands luxuriated in the sudden wild movements of Pinkie’s stotting. They shuffled around, trying to talk to some other strands. “Thanks!” Someponies that had the unfortunate luck to be looking in Pinkie’s direction would have seen a mass of Pinkie’s hair wave at the same time in response as a shower of confetti rained down. In order for them to keep their sanity, they simply put it down to Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie.
Froopy was beside herself in excitement. Zipping around as far as her roots let her, she wound herself up only to spring herself back into shape.
Pinkie stopped mid-leap and cocked her head.
“Aww, Froopy is just as excited as I am to see Twilight?!”
A gentle tug.
“No?”
A sly tug.
“Oooh! A hair on Twilight?”
Another sly tug.
“Is it Fuzzy?”
A sharp tug.
“Fluffy?”
A soft tug.
“Oh! You two are like sister hair strands, let’s get going then!” Pinkie stopped suddenly as a shuddering explosion rippled through the earth underneath her hooves. The hairs all over Pinkie shivered and sent Pinkie into a fit of movements.
“Something big has happened! It’s a doozy!” Pinkie exclaimed and picked up her pace. In barely a hooful of minutes, Pinkie had arrived at the front of the library. Without wasting a second, she shot over to the door of the library and barely got it open before whipping down the steps to the basement.
Froopy could only watch in apprehension as Pinkie trotted into the lab, only to spot the horrifying bald spot on Twilight’s shoulder.
“Twilight!” Pinkie gasped. “Twilight! My Pinkie Sense told me something big was going to happen here- woah! What happened to your coat?”
“Oh it was just a lab accident,” Twilight replied, smiling despite herself. “My hair started talking," she continued, sighing. "Do you know everypony has hair that’s alive? They keep tabs on us all the time!” Twilight laughed hard. “I must sound absolutely crazy to you now.”
Pinkie responded immediately, in a tone that suggested that Twilight should have figured this out years ago, like in Magic Kindergarten, or something. “Duh, that’s how my Pinkie Sense works. My hair is super, super smart! I just listen to it all the time! We even worked out a code for talking! Twitchy twitch!”
Twilight stared at Pinkie, her jaw agape. Froopy chuckled at her expression. She threw up some confetti to confuse the purple unicorn further. It worked.
“Hey,” Fluffy called out. “It’s the number one ranker! Yooooooo wassup?”
Pinkie gave Twilight a sidelong look as the small voice called out from Twilight’s bald spot. “Ooh, Twilight, your hair can talk too! Only, it can talk much more directly.” Her eyes widened as she inspected the small strand with a massive eyeball. “How did you do that?”
Froopy felt a shiver of relief flow through her that Fluffy was safe. Nostrand liked it when they had to wait another cycle. She felt a little sad. Fluffy would be all alone.
Pinkie shivered a little.
“Aww Froopy, don’t be sad! Your friend’s here at least!” Pinkie sidled up to Twilight and pressed her head against her shoulder. “Here you go!” she chirped happily as Twilight looked both confused and uncomfortable.
“Uuh Pinkie, what are you doing?” Twilight asked apprehensively. Pinkie didn’t say anything as they both heard a one sided conversation between two hairs.
“Yeah I know, weird right? Mhmm. Mm. Yeah. Nah. Yeah. Magic kindergarten. Freaked out. I know! Wouldn’t trade it for the world.” A pause. “Yeah I’m sad he’s gone, a little annoying but it’s not like he was intolerable… kind of… yeah. Yep. Always the next cycle. Okay. Yep. See you then!”
Pinkie removed herself from Twilight’s shoulder. Twilight seemed really drawn out. Pinkie gave her a pat on the back.
“Froopy told me someponies react differently when they find out hairs can talk. It’s okay. I was a bit shocked when I found out, but then I thought: I can hold a party for everystrand I meet! It’s like hundreds of parties and I’m never alone! Isn’t that great?!”
At this point, Twilight was basically catatonic. Froopy gave Pinkie an insistent tug. Pinkie made a helpless gesture. Before Froopy could pop out of her roots in frustration, Fluffy piped up.
“Ahem, well the potion was only intended to be of a short-term duration,” she started but paused. She continued hesitantly. “It’s unlikely that I will be able to speak for long, though it’s not a one hundred per cent a certainty that the effect won’t be permanent.” There was a short laugh. “Oh well, I’m nearing the end of my cycle, that’s why Froopy wanted to talk. I won’t be around for much longer. I just...” A longer pause. “I didn’t know that I would be able to talk to you Twilight and truth be told, I like you, you’re a pretty cool pony. I’m a hair of science actually and I wanted to know what your thoughts were on The Principles of Thaumic Diversions and Convergences by Star Swirl…” The strand fell silent, she coughed sheepishly. “Oh well, I’ll be out of your mane in a few hours, give or take.” The room fell silent again.
Suddenly, a bout of laughter surprised everystrand and Pinkie. Twilight shook her head and smiled warmly.
“I just remembered a time when I was about to add that acid to a potion, five years ago. I felt my hair raise all over my body. I stopped just in time. Back then, I was sure that it was intuition that had stopped me. When Princess Celestia found out, she told me I would have been seriously hurt if I had added the acid at that time.” Twilight craned her neck to smile at her shoulder. “But if it weren’t for you and all the other hairs, I wouldn’t have survived.”
“Thank you,” she ended simply and Twilight felt a prickling wave run through her coat. If Fluffy had a mouth she would have smiled. She elected to speak in her magical voice instead.
“I think you’ve raised yourself a rank because of that. I’ve never been thanked by a pony before,” Fluffy commented wryly. They all laughed at that.
Pinkie headed towards the stairs.
“See ya, Twilight!” she called back. “I gotta run. Froopy told me I need to pick up ingredients for a cake to bake!”
In her mad dash to exit the building, Pinkie slammed the door to the library, one strand in her mane, getting caught between the door and the frame. Pinkie felt the painful tug of the strand being pulled free of its roots. She doubled back, gasping. Moments later, a piano, an anvil and several tonnes of hoof-clippings (don’t ask), landed right in the space where Pinkie was about to gallop off to.
“I just don’t know what went wrong,” a sad voice called out, it was followed by a sigh.
“Anypony hurt down there?!”
Pinkie shook her head, she felt the strands on her mane deflating slowly.
“No,” she called back sadly. “Nopony was hurt.”
"Nopony..."
Author's Note
Aw, sorry. A sad end? I didn't think this through at all.
Uhm. Hug?
Yeah, I think SoL fits better than comedy now.
