Journey to the New Land

Day 1

    This journal is the intellectual property of Starswirl the Bearded, that of which is me. If you are not Starswirl the Bearded, then I would highly recommend you put down this book and read something of quality. My personal life should not be used as a means for your amusement. I had been asked by the omniscient and totally gracious King of the Unicorns to write out all my frustrations in this stupid little book, so I wouldn’t take it out on the other unicorns.

    Of course, this means I have to write about my personal life in here. Okay, today I had oats for breakfast, put on my robes, had hay for lunch, practiced some spells, told some kids to get away from my house, put spells on those kids, went to court for that, took the hex off the kids, had apples for dinner, yelled at some salesponies, had a pint of cider, and now I’m writing in this magic-forsaken journal. After I’m done writing in it, I plan to have another pint of cider, take a bath, and go to bed. That’s all I want to write today. I think I hear the cider calling my name.

Day 2

    I hate hangovers.

Day 3

    Today I got sent to court on account of me throwing my wine at the face of the prince. Of course, the court doesn’t take into account that the prince is a dick. I mean, why would I waste perfectly good wine, unless it was to spite a prick like him? I had to pay a fine and promise not to throw anything else at the face of the prince.

    Court took forever, even longer than the hearing two days ago. As such, I had to get home late, and I’m not drunk enough to write this. I’m planning to take a much longer bath just to take away the hot water from all the other kids. Pricks deserve it.

Day 4

    The king came to my house today and checked up on the journal. He told me some stupid and asinine stuff like how important it is for me to write in here, how it’s psychologically helpful, and how he’s disappointed that three days of journal entries amounts to a single page. So, he asked me to write one full page for each journal entry.

    So, today I woke up. My bed was filled with hay, which is the same as what I have for lunch everyday. I will make it a point to say that I have hay for lunch everyday. Hay is dead grass, which I eat for lunch everyday and use as bedding.

    I had oats for breakfast. They were crunchy and tasteless, kind of like the king only less so, and it took me about twenty minutes to eat it all. I eat rather slowly, because it means that there’ll be less time spent outside. I tend to have oats for breakfast everyday, but I’m running low, so I went to the market to buy some more.

    The ponies there were awful. They tried to talk to me about mundane things like politics, upcoming wars, and social inequality. You know, stupid stuff like that. I think I can just skip this part really.

    I wanted to have a picnic today for lunch, so I brought some hay to a nearby park. Did I mention that I have hay for lunch everyday? I don’t think I did. I have hay for lunch everyday.

    Anyway, I chewed my hay very slowly, disturbing many of the fillies and colts who were playing in the park. They retched at the sight of the chewed up hay in my mouth. To add fuel to the fire, I threw it up in front of them and walked away, leaving my unfinished meal and vomit behind for others to clean up.

    I went back home to practice my magic, and that’s the page so I’m done.

Day 5

    The king looked over yesterday’s journal entry and told me that it was preferable if I didn’t write out a full page today.

Day 6

    I went to court today for throwing up in the park two days ago. See, if the king hadn’t read that in my journal, they wouldn’t have known that. It’s his fault for making me write in this stupid book.

Day 7

    Literally nothing happened today.

Day 8

    The king appointed a student for me. Can you believe that? Well, you shouldn’t, because you shouldn’t even be reading this. Her name is Clever the Clover or something stupid like that. I had to spend all day preparing for her first day as my student tomorrow, which consists of various methods to get her to quit. Tomorrow is going to be quite fun.

Day 9

    This day was awful. Clobber the Cleaver refused to be cooperative and actually tried to learn from me. None of my tactics to get her to quit worked. She always said the same thing.

    “This is part of the test, right?”

    Her voice is so annoying, too. Maybe I should bribe the king to get her to quit.

Day 10

    Today I learned that the king doesn’t take bribes. Not that it matters, I’m going to get very drunk tomorrow morning. Hopefully, Clive will quit being my student.

Day 11

    I passed out today and my student took me back home. She’s too kind.

Day 12

    I decided to actually teach her what I know about magic, as a means of thanks for bringing me back to my home when I got too drunk yesterday. Of course, after the day is over, I plan to be just as difficult as I was before, maybe even more so, since I need to make up for my kindness today.

    I taught her the amniomorphic spell, which is a relatively stupid spell that idiots find very important. All it does is make pottery easier. That’s it. Granted, without the amniomorphic spell, they would’ve been eating things off the floor, which is exactly what most of them deserve. Clever the Clubber seemed really excited about this spell, even though it’s literally one of the most mundane things I’ve ever created.

    Today had been pointless. I’m going to have a couple pints of cider and hope that tomorrow will be better.

Day 13

    I’ve got good news and bad news.

    The bad news is that I’m running low on cider and I’ll have to buy some more.

    The good news is that the king is finally dead and I’m no longer legally required to keep this journal.