JEFF THE BRAVE
1
“What do you mean you don’t like ponies?” Jeff had asked his manager at Best Buy, a few minutes before being told his services would no longer be necessary at the electronic giant’s store.
“It doesn’t matter what I think, Jeff,” his doughy boss replied. “What matters is what the customer thinks. And most of them can’t decide between the sixty-inch plasma and the fifty-eight inch HD when the only thing playing on them is the third season of the brightly colored ponies show!”
Jeff held up a sharp finger. “It was the fourth season!”
His boss’s face reddened. “I don’t care! Get out!”
Twenty minutes had passed since that harrowing ordeal and Jeff consoled himself with a cream cheese bagel along his walk home. Two bites in and a blob of thick white goo fell to his blue shirt, staining it instantly. With an extra napkin he hastily wiped it away, before remembering he could hardly care about such a thing.
“Stupid Best Buy with their stupid football on their stupid TVs all day long…” he mumbled, before the words dried in his throat.
Head heated with idiotic arguments recently spoken, Jeff had taken a detour home, munching and walking and not all that aware of where his feet were taking him. Now he was staring at the dead end of some decrepit alley, a loaded trash bin slanted against a wall and dozens of extra rubbish bags littered throughout. But it wasn’t this that caused the electronics expert to nearly choke on his painfully dry bagel. No. It was the oddly large and ornate gold-rimmed mirror that sat against the wall behind the hill of refuse.
“No way…” he whispered, dropping his snack as he hurried over to it.
Up close, the oddity of the immense object only grew, as it seemed not even a single speck of dirt had laid claim to the shimmering mirror’s delicate front. He reached out a hand to touch the gold metal frame—also to make complete surety of its existence. With that out of the way, he placed a single finger against the glass, only for a harsh wave of blood to suddenly fluster his face as his appendage disappeared into the surface.
A second later he pulled away as if stung.
“Now calm down,” he told the empty alley. “Calm down now.”
His lightly throbbing body did anything but.
“It can’t be as simple as that, can it?” Already his mind was aglow with the possibilities. More often than not Jeff would find himself wondering just how a human could enter Equestria—mostly when work died down and he could finally crank up the volume on a few magical adventures. Other times while at home, he would peruse more provocative fan created stories in the effortless quest of unhooking from the world, if even for a short time. More often that not, those types of stories would start with such random finds—objects working as portals. So could it honestly be as simple as that?
He stuck his hand back through the mirror, steeling his resolve.
“What do I have to lose?” he questioned the torn open garbage bag attempting to soak his sneakers. I already lost my job, he reflected. And for some really dumb reason I dropped my bagel, too.
Zipping up his jacket for the trip, he took a few steps away from the mirror before plunging right through. If anyone—or anything—should bare witness to his arrival on the other side, he thought he should at least make it something to remember.
With that in mind he figuratively said goodbye to the world as he knew it.
2
Jeff landed face first onto the road and didn’t bother spending time whining about the pain. With haste he shot up and dusted off his jeans, mentally making note that he was in fact still a human and not a pony or some other creature of worth.
So it’s going to be thattype of story, he mused, before grabbing hold of his crotch to make sure everything had arrived on the other side. Time and again he had… sadly, read more than a few fan tales of genitalia switching and much, much worse.
Before he could get his bearings in check, a hurried pair of hooves galloped up the hill towards him. Both he recognized easily, as he desperately tried to hide the mammoth grin that wanted to erupt on his lips. (He thought a more heroic start to his adventure would prove best.)
Princess Celestia stopped in a mound of dust next to Princess Twilight Sparkle, both expressions curious and yet anxious. The tall white alicorn turned to glare down at Twilight, almost as if for her to prompt their oddest of finds.
The purple alicorn took a hesitant step forward. “I need you to take off your jacket.”
Jeff’s face grew a shade crimson as something warm and ticklish stroked his gut. So it’s going to be that type of story, he rebuked, not in any small terms mindful of the discovery.
With nimble fingers he unzipped his windbreaker and flung it to the road. As he scooped a hand under his other shirt, Twilight held up a hoof.
“Then it’s true,” she said woefully, “the chosen one has arrived.”
Jeff released the fold of blue work uniform and queerly regarded the shorter alicorn. “What’s that now?”
Instead of answering directly, she fixed Celestia a stare before leaning up to whisper in her ear. Celestia, meanwhile, couldn’t help but shoot mistrustful glares at the awkwardly waiting human. When Twilight had said her piece, Celestia raised her head up to speak.
“The signs do not lie, great stranger,” she said solemnly. “What is your name?”
“Jeff.” He didn’t bother with his last name.
“Jeff the brave…” Celestia whispered, almost afraid of uttering such strong words out loud. “It has been foretold that a mystical creature of bipedal form would enter our world wearing the color blue, embroidered with the white star of destiny.”
Jeff hastily glanced at his shirt, reminded of the white splotch. He said, “That’s a cream cheese stain.”
Celestia shook her head. “Its origins matter not, only what it signifies.” Bending one foreleg, the alicorn tipped him a quick bow that was joined by Twilight’s only a second later. Once she finished, she said, “Now the journey begins, Jeff the brave. Now it is your task to save all of Equestria before the day is through.”
It only took Jeff a single thought to proceed. “Okay.”
3
Thirty minutes later and most of Jeff’s original resolve vacated to some small part at the bottom of his shoes—shoes which were now wrapped with numerous pieces of odd-angled gear. When the trio of them walked the path in the venture to save everyone entire, Celestia made quick work of summoning a pegasus guard with delivery of a new suit of armor. Since the armor had been sculpted for ponies and not five-foot-eleven tall humans, the small bits of hammered steel sat helter-skelter across his legs and torso, more so a hindrance than something helpful. Although Jeff knew he’d never complain.
Maybe I’ll get an award when all this is done, Jeff dreamed, as he watched the agile and wise Princess give orders to the guard, a look of stern concentration in her brilliant big eyes. Maybe move to Ponyville—hang out with the gang. Don’t adventure stories end like that?
What silenced such rosy musings in Jeff’s whirlwind mind was the tall object he was being lead to—a mammoth volcano with blackened cloud hanging above. Up and up a tall and rocky path they trudged; Jeff losing his footing more than once as his oddly fitting helmet continually slammed shut over his eyes. Every time he only lifted it again, still eager to follow the sets of marching plots that trotted only a few steps ahead.
“Now we are here,” Celestia announced gravely, “the site of Equestria’s end.”
She extended a hoof towards the entrance of the volcano—a rickety wooden bridge extending from the rough cut entryway until it ended on a floating platform at its very center. On the hovering terrace sat a glittering pedestal, some unseen source of light casting it in a rich glow.
Celestia continued, “For weeks now, this volcano has raged and sent fireballs and wreckage all the way across our great land. And it is only you who can silence its ancient furor once and for all. If it is not stopped by the end of this day, its next act will be to implode inward, dooming us all.”
Awkwardly, Jeff scratched at his chin, uneven bits of metal poking at random parts on his face. “It doesn’t look that aggressive.” He viewed the wide, red chasm; the ominous river of silent lava slowly coursing itself under the thinly held bridge. The volcanic runoff barely bubbled or burped in indignation. “Are you sure it hasn’t just stopped on its own?”
Celestia’s mouth dropped open, jaw hanging in the air. “No… of course it hasn’t.” She glanced at Twilight hastily, only for her student to shrug. “It’s…” Celestia regained her normal tone. “It’s only because you have arrived that it has settled its vengeful carnage for the time being. But if given much longer to wait, it will only end everything we hold dear.”
Jeff watched Celestia’s eyes not exactly meet his own. A hint of a shiver entered his gut, but he pulled away from it as he thought to himself. Celestia’s only afraid, he resolved. This is something completely out of her control and now it’s up to you to see it through. Don’t let them down, Jeff. The road to paradise is thick with turbulence.
He stuck both heavy hands on his hips. “All right, Celestia. For you, I will do this.”
Celestia bade him a warm smile. “Super.”
4
A few meters from the stifling entrance to the heated volcano, Twilight Sparkle unveiled an old text she had procured from her saddlebag. Jeff at first wanted to ask how she could have possibility guessed she’d need such a book on that day, but then he remembered it was destiny that was driving the story. Better to press on then ask questions now.
“This must be what the book was referring to,” Twilight told him, holding a hoof to the rough drawing on the page.
Held open with a bookmark, Twilight opened the tome to show Jeff a hastily drawn rendering of a generic human, splayed out like a cadaver on a board. He tried to identify a single aspect he could take from his own features, but came away with nothing. It was the most middle-ground drawing of a human being he’d ever seen—even the skin color was somewhere close to a dark tan.
“This doesn’t look like me,” Jeff told them, a little taken back from the revelation. “That doesn’t look like anyone, actually.”
Celestia lifted his downtrodden chin with a hoof. “I would beg to differ, brave Jeff. Although the illustrations of the chosen one are hazy at best, I can read simple courage in the eyes of anyone. Do not let this stop you from completing your destiny.”
Every word from the tall alicorn felt like liquid velvet in his ears, but wasn’t there something else to all this they were forgetting?
“He isn’t even wearing a blue shirt… or a white star, like you said when I arrived.”
Twilight scooped up the book and hurriedly flipped towards the end. Jeff then noticed a bead of sweat on her brow, yet sitting so close to an active volcano he found he could forgo such a frivolous detail.
“No! Here it is!” Twilight exclaimed, ending on some page near the back. “Blue shirt, white circle of destiny.”
“White star,” Celestia corrected, a harsh edge entering her voice.
Twilight grinned a little too wide. “That’s what I meant! White star! Slip of the tongue.”
“Can I see?” Jeff asked.
Twilight made no move to hand over the text. She only sat with that same oddly stretched-out smile, viewing the alicorn behind him.
“Ouch!”
Suddenly something hot grazed the back of Jeff’s suit of armor, causing him to jump to his feet. “What the hell was that?”
“Oh no!” Celestia cried. “It’s starting again!”
“What?”
“A piece of the volcano just shot out and nearly hit you, Jeff the brave. We must move onward.”
Jeff tried to read the startled alicorn. “But I didn’t hear the volcano do anything.”
“But you did feel it!” Celestia wrapped a leg around the shorter human, guiding him towards the mouth of the volcano. “I am sorry to rush, hero of Equestria, but some things need more doing than thinking about. Afterwards we’ll explain everything in full.”
“Uh… okay.”
At the mouth of the chasm, the sweltering heat found Jeff instantly as his clothes became damp. He wiped a handful of sweat from his brow as he readjusted his distorted helmet all over again.
“So… what do I have to do again?”
Twilight stood next to him. “You need to cross the bridge of courageousness before entering the center of fortitude. Since you are the chosen one, the stand of valor will accept your token of gallantry. Once that is done, the volcano will return to its idle state.”
“What’s my token of gallantry again?”
“It is unknown to us. It is only written that the savior will be carrying it with them when they enter our world.”
Jeff froze for a moment, trying to recall just what he’d had in his pockets when he entered the mirror. The bagel he lost along the way, so that left his keys and wallet and loose change, but none of those could possibly be it, could they? Then he remembered the one item he usually didn’t carry with him—only today, only because he wanted to play the latest Equestria Girls film at work.
Haphazardly, he forced a suited hand into his pants pocket and retrieved the thin memory stick from within. Once out, he showed it to the purple pony, who only smiled and nodded.
“If that’s what you believe to be the item of gallantry, then I’m sure that’s it.”
Jeff paused. “I thought you said token of gallantry?”
One of Twilight’s eyes twitched. “You sure pay attention to detail, don’t you?” Then she shoved him closer to the rickety rope bridge.
Gripping the token of gallantry, Jeff let out a slow breath and peered to the stand of valor, dozens of meters ahead. It was a simple task, really. Just a short walk and then the delivery of a parcel, but the miles of frothing lava below suddenly made the task that much more cumbersome. Slowly, he turned to face the watching alicorns.
“Couldn’t one of you fly me over there?” he asked sheepishly.
Celestia shook her head. “If anyone but the chosen one enters the circle of… “—she paused, before sighing angrily—“…the middle part, then the ritual becomes moot. I’m afraid it’s all up to you, Jeff. This is your task to bear.”
Jeff turned to Twilight for a more welcoming answer. “Don’t think there’s time to go visit your friends, eh?”
Twilight disagreed. “The volcano will implode within the hour, Jeff.”
“I thought you said we had until the end of the day?”
Twilight put a hoof to her temple. “Wouldn’t you rather get this over with and then have a super cool saving-the-day party after?”
Jeff thought about it. “That does sound like fun.”
With that in mind, the bravest human in Equestria turned to face the rising danger ahead, willing to triumph over the harshest conditions imaginable in the bid to save an entire world.
Truly, he thought, a legend is born today.
5
With avid interest, Twilight Sparkle watched the latest human that had entered Equestria cross the flimsy bridge they had set up only a few hours prior, curious if he would try and turn back. Halfway across, his odd-fitting helmet slammed down again, obscuring his vision. A few times before, the latest hero of Equestria had panicked and tripped over the short rail along the sides, but Jeff only found his footing and lifted the visor again.
Three quarters of the way across, Twilight finally glanced over at Princess Celestia.
“Nice job with the fire spell when he wanted to look at the book, Princess.”
Celestia continued to watch the human. “Thank you, Twilight. Although I think we should rehearse a bit more next time. Too many careless mistakes, I think.”
“I agree.”
Nearing the hovering platform, Jeff had slowed to a crawl. Before taking the last step he stood tall, as if this were some moment to be remembered and cherished for all time. His first heavy step onto the rock center only came down onto nothing, where then the laws of gravity took hold, sending the flailing bipedal man into the hungry red river below. He did not scream as he fell.
Twilight turned to her mentor again. “Your illusion spells are just getting better and better, Princess.”
“I appreciate the sentiment, Twilight,” Celestia said tiredly, “but don’t think I’ve forgotten who first opened that portal and could never unveil a way to send them back. Find a way to close it and soon. I’m sick of dealing with these bizarre creatures—especially the ones that think every pony in Equestria wants to mate with them. Earth, ‘tis a silly place.”
“I agree,” Twilight said, as they exited the volcano, hopeful that her next attempt on sealing the mirror would be her last. She peered up. “Remember Gary the gutsy?”
Already Celestia was laughing. “Wasn’t that a long day?”
Giggling like fillies, the two alicorns descended the hill towards home.
