Fallout Equestria: Reformation

Even though I managed to pull myself together before my friends entered the room, I still felt like I was drowning in my own tears. The only thought running through my head was “I was raped. I was raped.” Over and over again, I replayed that sentence. I replayed the scene. I watched myself mount her and move over and over again, and I was humiliated, mortified, terrified, and filled with hatred. Hatred for her and myself, for my own inability to defend myself.

How did this happen? How did I let it happen? Why did this happen? But I couldn’t even begin to answer these questions. The emptiness, the numbness within me was too strong to process anything. Also, I was too busy listening to my friends come up the stairs, their hoofbeats weak, but growing stronger, as did their muffled voices. I heard Cloud Chaser first.

“…Don’t know, he was just crying when I found him.”

“He’s taking it this hard? He knew what was going to happen to Ebonmane Prime.”

“Still, just… be gentle, okay?”

There was a silence that came over the hideout. I didn’t move. I was prepared to deal with whatever mask my friends felt like wearing. They didn’t know. They had no idea what had happened to me. I felt the urge to tell them, to break down again and spill the whole story well up within me. But another part of me told me to be quiet. To wait. And that’s what I did.

The others entered the room, and they all looked at me with concerned expressions, wanting to offer comfort, but not knowing how. I tried to wipe the emotion from my face as I saw them, but I could tell I wasn’t doing a good job. “You okay?” Ironbright asked.

I forced myself to nod. “What happened?” I asked. “I want to know. Everything.”

Ironbright simply nodded back and laid herself down across from me. She spoke like she was giving a report. “The parade commenced as planned. Just about everypony saw Ebonmane Prime at the head float as he headed through Manehattan around the island. The mayor wanted him to stop at the end and give a speech. Before he could, he was shot from a long distance. My Pipbuck found the source of the gunshot and I gave pursuit, but I couldn’t chase the assailant; they flew away. I did get a good look though. A female alicorn, gray body, yellow mane.”

I felt my blood turn to ice in my very veins.

My friends seemed to note my reaction, but didn’t say anything. Ironbright merely continued. “We should be able to track down that alicorn, given her race and her distinct appearance, especially with Littlepip no doubt keeping an eye on things. From there, we can find who she’s working for, and what they want. It might be tough at first. We don’t know anything about her, but we have a lead at least.”

I had answers to all these questions. But I couldn’t find the words.

“When should we let everypony know that Ebonmane’s really alive?” Cloud Chaser asked.

“When we figure out what’s going on. Whoever’s behind this might try something now that they think Ebonmane’s dead. We should try to keep this under wraps as long as we can. We might get lucky, and our assassin might tip her hoof.” Ironbright looked again at me and added, “Homage is going to let you stay with her until that time comes. If she can keep her own identity a secret, she should be able to keep your existence one too. She said you could fly in through her window.”

I stood, but after Livewire had bashed my ribs in, getting to my hooves was difficult. I winced with pain, and all three mares saw it immediately. “Ebonmane, what happened? Are you hurt?” Rosemary said.

I froze. I felt like I had been caught. It was obvious I was injured, and I hadn’t even thought of a lie to try and cover it.

“Did somepony attack you?” Cloud Chaser asked. “I was only gone for a little while, what happened?”

“Ebonmane,” Ironbright said insistently.

I felt ganged up on. They were all staring at me. I had to say something. “That alicorn’s name is Livewire,” I confessed. “Before she killed Ebonmane Prime… She found me. I don’t know how, but she must have known where to look. We fought.”

My eyes fell as I began my lie of omission. But I didn’t want them to know. I couldn’t even begin to think how to tell them. How would they look at me if they knew? How would they treat me? And what would it mean? A part of me was certainly in denial; I felt that if I didn’t admit it, it wouldn’t be true. It wouldn’t have happened, and the consequences of it wouldn’t come to light either.

“Shit,” Ironbright cursed as she turned toward the window. “Damn it!” she cursed again, putting her hoof through a wall in frustration, enough to startle all of us, me especially. I had never seen her this angry before, and I felt pangs of fear that were very fresh and new. “They outplayed us. This Livewire… Must have known from the start. Which means we have some kind of leak. I doubt she’s working alone. Whoever’s behind this is a lot stronger and better-organized than we ever imagined.” She turned to look back at me. “You’re lucky you survived.”

Again, I shrank from her gaze. The only reason I had survived is because she may yet need me again. That thought alone sent a chill down my spine and knocked the breath out of me, and the others could see that I wasn’t doing well.

“We should get him back,” Rosemary said.

“But wait – if Livewire knew it was a trick, doesn’t that mean there’s no point in keeping Ebonmane a secret? We couldn’t even fool the pony we were trying to fool,” Cloud Chaser pointed out.

Ironbright considered it, but said, “We’ll still sneak him into the Tower. It’ll make it easier for Homage to cover if no pony sees him mere hours after his assassination ‘attempt.’ Besides, I think the last thing Ebonmane needs right now are a bunch of ponies asking questions.”

She was probably just concerned for me, but I was terrified that Ironbright was onto me. No pony asked any more questions, though, so we headed out. Despite my minor injuries, my wings were alright, so I flew out into the Manehattan twilight as it transformed to dusk. Staying high, it would have been hard for anypony to recognize me from the ground or even the tower. The others went in through the front door, while sure enough, there was a window at the very top left wide open for me.

Homage was waiting for me, nursing a warm beverage on a saucer in her levitation and sitting in an armchair. She smiled, a tired smile that had developed with age, but a genuine one. “Well, look who’s back from the dead,” she said. Her expression fell when she saw my face though. I suppose I must have looked like hell. “What went wrong?” she asked.

I knew I didn’t have much time to tell her before my friends were in the room. “They knew,” I said. “It was an alicorn mare named Livewire. She killed Ebonmane Prime on her own. But before that, she came for me.” I opened my mouth to say the words. “She raped me.” But they didn’t come out. They couldn’t.

Homage turned it all over in her mind. “So she saw through our plan all along, huh?” she said. She quickly came to the same conclusion Ironbright did. “She must have heard our planning. Somepony told her. Or she found a way to eavesdrop. I don’t think any of this was written down anywhere.” She stood and began to pace, closing the window with a suspicious look out into the night. “That makes things a lot more complicated. We might have to find a new place to figure things out. Or at least a way to secure my place.” She looked around at her walls and ceiling, certainly wondering if there was some kind of listening device planted. “Celestia, this is going to make me paranoid.”

“I don’t think she’ll be far. I got the feeling she might want to finish the job,” I said, trying to be helpful, but also dancing around the truth. I hated it. I hated having the words on the tip of my tongue and smothering them between these lies. I wanted to shout it. I wanted to cry and tell the whole world what had happened to me. I wanted somepony to hold me while I stopped holding everything back and spilled my guts. But it was like I was cursed to keep the secret.

Homage just nodded. “Then we should still have you lie low for a while until we figure something out.” She stepped closer to me, dipping her head to look at where I was hurt with the awkward way I was standing. “You’re lucky you’re still alive. Alicorns are about as tough a customer as they come.”

Before I could worry about what else to say, the elevator doors dinged and my friends arrived. “Homage, we need to rethink our plan,” Ironbright said.

“Ebonmane already told me,” she said. She turned back to me and after a pause, said, “Why don’t you get some rest? A bath or something if you want. Especially if you’re hurt. You can all stay with me tonight.”

I nodded. I headed off toward my room, walking past my friends. Rosemary in particular followed me with her eyes. I managed to meet her gaze and return a smile, but it was obvious she was worried about me. She wanted to talk to me. Maybe she wanted to talk about Ebonmane Prime. But once again, just as so many times before, it wasn’t quite the right moment. So I moved past her.

Getting into a bath was somehow a foreign experience to me. So much had happened so quickly; an earthquake of events that had shaken my very foundations, and my body was at the epicenter. I felt numb. Going through the motions, filling the tub, soaking, scrubbing with soap. But I felt extra numb when I brought the soap to cleanse between my hindlegs. I felt dead. Not that there was no sensation at all, but that the sensation I did have felt completely alien. Cloud Chaser had said many times that I thought too much with my dick, but to be frank, now it felt as if my dick wasn’t even attached to me anymore. Just weight on my body.

There was a knock at the door, and I welcomed any distraction from my spiraling thoughts, so I let them inside. It was Rosemary. I felt my heart sink into my chest. “Are you okay?” she asked again.

I nodded, but I think we both knew I was lying. I came so close to just telling her. I could feel the tears stinging at my eyes. But this invisible force that had gagged me all evening prevented me again, and I knew that she was having just as many hard emotions to fight through as I was. The loss of Ebonmane Prime hit her harder than any of us, and I couldn’t even begin to reach out and comfort her in my current state. And in hers, without knowing what was wrong with me, she had no way of knowing either.

So after a long pause of exchanged looks, she simply drew out a simple white orb from her pouch. “I finished it,” she said. Ebonmane Prime’s memory orb. “I think he wanted you to watch it first. And then you can decide if you want any of us to see it.”

“Thanks,” I told her. And before she left, I added, “A lot. For everything.” She nodded in gratitude and left me. I knew my words were vague and unhelpful, but it was all I could manage to try and tell her that I noticed her. That I wanted to connect with her.

I sat in the tub and watched the orb. It was so strange, since the body I occupied was exactly like my own in every way. It was much more like dreaming – the most vivid dream I had ever had, except I wasn’t in control of myself or my actions. An out of body experience within my own body that wasn’t my own. I was certain no amount of dash could never produce a trip this surreal. But I soon got into the pace of watching a version of myself live his life, and let the memories wash over me. Most of what we felt was identical in the first few memories. But by the time of his and Rosemary’s date, I was astounded to think this pony was even supposed to be a clone of me. He was so genuine, earnest, and even downright romantic at times. But the most surreal part was his almost-kiss with Rosemary, that snapped me right back to his reality. I knew what he was thinking at that time: he was curious. He wanted her in every possible way. I had felt the same before too. But when he refused, it didn’t feel quite like when I refused Apple Bushel in the brothel. It felt much more noble. I could tell that Ebonmane Prime wasn’t thinking at all with his dick in that moment. His temptation stemmed from a desire for intimacy; he wanted to explore the burgeoning feelings he felt for Rosemary. I suppose I felt comforted at that. If his temptations could be pure, then so could mine. Maybe.

But when it was over, I felt a gnawing guilt. He had promised Rosemary that I would come through for her. That I would sweep her off her hooves and be the stallion that she wanted me to be. That I had feelings for her and that I would prove to her that she could be loved and desired, and that she wouldn’t have to be alone like she had been all her life. And already, I was fucking that up. I couldn’t manage to cross the bridge of my own turmoil to reach out to her. I was missing my opportunities. Even now, I thought, I could get out of this bath, go into her room, and just talk to her. Tell her how I felt. Or if I really wanted to make good on Ebonmane Prime’s promise, I could just go in and kiss her. If she really felt what she felt for me, it was probably exactly what she wanted. But I didn’t do that.

If I made a move, I would have to tell her what happened with Livewire. I couldn’t keep it a secret if we were going to get close. I couldn’t lie to her like that. And when I really thought about it, she was the last pony I wanted to know. I could see myself telling Ironbright. It would be embarrassing, but she was so strong and mature, I knew she would know how to handle it. And I could see myself telling Cloud Chaser, if only because I knew it couldn’t do any real harm. But Rosemary? I knew that if I told her, it would drive a wedge between us. It would cripple our ability to get close to each other. She would wonder what I really felt about Livewire, or about her. Or maybe she’d get angry and want to kill the alicorn. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that. Especially if she was carrying my foal.

The mere mental acknowledgement of that possibility sent me straight to bed. But as I headed from the bathroom to my room, I could hear Ironbright and the others talking with Homage. “He’s not telling us everything,” Ironbright said. “He said they fought, but neither of them killed each other. And he was barely hurt, and she didn’t seem very injured to me. And he managed to learn her name?”

“He’s just been super on-edge lately,” Cloud Chaser said. “I don’t know what happened. When I found him, he was just sobbing. I thought it was about Ebonmane Prime, but now I don’t know.”

“What do you think it is?” Rosemary asked.

“I’ll talk to him,” Homage said. “Give him some rest for now. And some space. Maybe he doesn’t want to tell you guys.”

“…Why wouldn’t he tell us if something was wrong?” Rosemary asked, and I could hear the hurt in her voice.
I lay alone, and all night I burned. I suffered like I had never suffered before. My body could heal no matter how severe the injuries I sustained. But this was a unique blow that had been inflicted on me. Wounds could close. But memories never heal. And I didn’t need a memory orb to play mine over and over and over again.

When I awoke, it was with a startled cry. Livewire was in my room, closing the door and approaching me, big, bright, and terrifying, her power crackling around her. It appeared Homage’s suite had more than a mere leak.

I jumped up, going for my weapons, but Livewire just laughed. “You don’t really want to go through all that again, do you?” she asked. “I might hurt you far worse this time if you fight me again.”

I froze. She had a point. My mouth opened to ask the obvious question, but already I feared the obvious answer. “What do you want?” I asked.

She raised an eyebrow at me. “It didn’t take,” she said simply. “I told you I’d be back if it didn’t. And here I am.”

I backed away from her, but there was nowhere to go. “I- I’m not going to let you. Not again,” I told her.

She cocked her head, looking perplexed at me. “Let me?” she asked. “You’re confused, Ebonmane. I’m going to let you.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked in a small voice.

She sauntered over to me, rolling her eyes. “Come now. You know exactly what I’m talking about. That was your first time with a mare. And I know it felt good. It didn’t take you very long at all to get the job done last time. Trust me when I say the second time is much, much better now that you’ve got your bearings.”

I froze. I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know why I couldn’t answer. But I felt the pressure rising in me again.

Livewire just continued. “And for what it’s worth, you were pretty good yourself, especially for a first-timer. I might have to make this a regular thing.” She stepped up to me, drawing her wingtip along my jaw, and I felt sparks pinging off my fur. “Or I could just give you my radio signal. I could be the Prince’s little booty call. Wouldn’t you like that?”

“N-No, I-” I stammered.

“What? You don’t want it?” Livewire finished my sentence. She peeked down between my legs. “I think we both know that’s bullshit.”

I exhaled sharply, feeling myself firmly at attention below. This was all happening way too fast. It was hotter than the worst summer day marching in my armor. I couldn’t think straight.

Livewire simply strutted over to my bed and laid herself down on it. She lifted her tail again, and I saw her entrance once more. Begging for me. “Come on, Ebonmane. It’s not polite to keep a mare waiting.”

My legs started to move toward her.

She smiled. “That’s a good stud,” she purred. “I was hoping it would take a few tries after how amazing the first one was.”

“Really?” I asked, almost a whisper.

“Oh, yes. You’re all I could think about ever since.”

I knew she was just saying that to seduce me. To appeal to my ego. To make me feel like a big, tough stallion who took charge of his mares. But it was working.

I clambered up onto the bed, getting behind her.

“Do you want it again?” she asked.

“…Yes,” I answered breathlessly.

“I’m all yours, then,” she said.

I assumed the position, draping my upper body over her flanks, poised to enter. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears.

“Give it to me,” she cooed.

I started to enter her. Heat overwhelmed me.

“Yes,” she gasped in a pleasured moan. “Give me that big, fat alicorn dick of yours.”

Her offering, her submission, her worshipful praise was too much. I couldn’t stop myself. I wasn’t being forced. I fucked the hell out of her. I gripped her mane in my teeth and pinned her beneath me and rode her as hard as I could. Until we were both crying out in the throes of climax.

I bred her again. I could practically feel my seed fertilizing her. And I felt like a stallion as I did it.

Of course it was a dream. A nightmare. A blackheart nightmare. I awoke alone. Livewire was nowhere to be found.

I was panicking. It was so vivid. So real. But there was no pony dying or getting raped. Not even me. The images of myself on top of the alicorn mare were too fresh in my mind to deny that there was any force involved. I couldn’t even pretend I had resisted.

My heart couldn’t take it. It wasn’t what I wanted. I repeated it over and over to myself. I didn’t want her. I didn’t enjoy it. She raped me. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t have a choice.

But a small part of me couldn’t help but wonder what I would do if I did have a choice. And I couldn’t even be sure that the blackheart had made me either. Perhaps all it had to do was set up the scenario and let me decide for myself.

Eating away at me the entire time was the fact that it was morning. To put it delicately, I, like many other stallions, often felt a bit stiff after a good night’s sleep. When I was traveling with my female friends, after waking up, I’d simply lie there for a while and let it go away before I truly roused myself, and any of the times I had been forced awake, it had never been an issue. But it was an issue now, and one that wouldn’t go away after a few minutes.

This isn’t easy to write, but also, like many other young stallions, occasionally I masturbated. Since I had embarked on my journey, I made sure to keep it very private and never at a time when there was any chance of danger. I mention this now, because, as you can imagine, I was at a loss for options as to how to deal with my problem that morning.

I tried to. In some ways, it felt just as it usually did. But in other ways, that feeling of deadness was even heavier in my stallion parts than it was before. It felt like Livewire had taken the drive right out of me. It didn’t feel good at all. It felt dirty and wrong and I’ll admit I even fought back tears as I did it. But I did do it. I thought of Livewire while I did it. It felt like I was abusing myself the entire time. But eventually the release came.

There was a mess. I looked at all of it and was convinced I was fucked up beyond recognition. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I felt like I was watching the aftermath of another stallion’s actions, but I knew it was me. I felt like a complete monster.

Naturally, that’s when Homage walked in.

I think she expected to wake me up from a sleepless night with a mug of tea and some toast, just to check on me. I don’t think she expected to see a stallion half-covered by his bedsheets and surrounded by the fresh stains of his own personal business. She didn’t see any parts of my body she hadn’t seen before, but in another way she definitely saw more of me than she ever wanted to.

We both froze. The shock was clear on her face. “Oh – my goddess,” she uttered.

I was paralyzed. Mortified. I hoped to die from humiliation so as not to experience this any longer.

She eventually turned her gaze away, occasionally her red eyes darting back to the train wreck before her, waiting for me to do something. I was still frozen. “Can you – Could you, uh… Clean up? At least just toss the sheets?”

“I’m so sorry, I…” I started, but I didn’t have any words. I used my magic to tear the wet sheets from the bed, crumpling them into a ball, but then I was just sitting there with stained sheets and no where to put them. “Where do you want these?” I asked quietly.

“Just toss them in the corner. I’ll burn them later,” she said. I couldn’t blame her.

With the evidence at least halfway out of sight, she exhaled and got back on track to what she originally planned. “…Are you okay?”

“I am so sorry,” I repeated.

Homage managed to step closer to me, setting down the tea and toast. “It’s fine, Ebonmane,” she said calmly. “Littlepip and I got barged in on a couple times before. It happens.”

It wasn’t quite the same. I was alone. “Still…”

“Look, I was just startled is all,” Homage said. “It’s not like I’ve ever seen a stallion… you know. Like, any of that.” I just nodded. She was a lesbian, after all. “Sorry if I, uh… Interrupted or something.”

“No,” I said firmly. I could feel the fringes of my heaviest feelings creeping up on me again. “Thanks for this.” I took the mug of tea and took a sip. It helped.

The awkwardness was still thick, but Homage plunged through. “I just wanted to check on you. Everything with Ebonmane Prime… I can imagine it’s hard for you. And your friends are kind of worried about you…” Homage reached out and touched my shoulder with her hoof. “They said you’ve been crying a lot.”

I remembered what I overheard last night. I suppose I should have expected to see Homage coming into my room so early in the morning. It felt strange that she would be the one to try and reach out to me. I didn’t know her at all, not really. And she definitely knew less about me than I did about her.

Maybe it was because she was an older mare. Maybe it was because she wasn’t a part of my group of friends. Or maybe it was just because she asked directly, instead of moving around the issue.

I could feel my breath quickening, the panic rising, tears at my eyes again. “Livewire…” I started.

Homage nodded. “What happened with you two? You fought her?”

The dam was starting to break. I felt the unspeakable words start to form. “For a little bit. I lost. She had me pinned down. She could have killed me, but then…”

Homage rubbed my back, listening patiently. “Then what?” she asked softly.

“…She raped me.” It was short. Three words. Easy. It felt like I had committed a great taboo. But I couldn’t stop. “She said she wanted a foal. She’s an alicorn. But I’m a natural-born alicorn. She thinks… If we have a foal together, it’ll be a real alicorn like me. She didn’t say why she wanted it, but…” I was out of words.

Homage looked completely stunned. “Fuck…” she muttered. She was quiet for a long time. I was too. Eventually, she looked at me and said, “I… I am so sorry that happened to you.”

I could only shrug. “It’s not your fault. You don’t have to apologize.”

She gave a hopeless chuckle. “Yeah… Maybe if I hadn’t announced to the whole world like an idiot that you were a male alicorn…”
Was she really blaming herself for this? “It’s not your fault, Homage,” I insisted.
She nodded. “I know. But… wow.” She looked to me again and asked, “Why do you think she did it?”
“I have no idea,” was all I could say.
Homage thought. “Maybe… She wants to put the foal on the throne. Or maybe she wants there to be a real race of alicorns. Ones that aren’t mutants.”
My mouth felt dry as I added, “She… She said she’d be back… If it didn’t, you know… take.”
I could tell that knocked the wind out of Homage too. When she recovered, she said, “We aren’t going to let that happen, Ebonmane. If this is what her plan was this entire time, to get to you… We can’t let her do it again. Absolutely not. You’re going to be safe here.”
But it was already too late, and we both knew it. “But what if… it already took? What if she’s already pregnant with my foal?”

Homage couldn’t answer for a long time. “I think it’s a longshot. She’s a mutant, and we don’t know how her genes or fertility would interact with yours. Hell, we don’t even know if you’re fertile or not, to tell the truth. You could be sterile as a mule.”

We both knew she was reaching, and I hoped she wasn’t right about that last part. “But what if?” I asked again.

She sighed heavily. “It doesn’t matter,” Homage said. She looked me in the eyes and said, “You don’t owe her anything. Even if she is pregnant, that foal isn’t yours. When it’s forced, all bets are off the table.”

I knew in my head she was right. But I still responded, “…But it would be mine. And we’ll probably want to take care of Livewire somehow if she’s dangerous. Even if we take her alive, that means the foal wouldn’t have any parents…”

Homage was quiet for a long time. She didn’t say it, but I could tell she was thinking that this was one of the reasons she was a lesbian; so she didn’t have to deal with foal drama. But she said, “If you want to try and take responsibility, then that’s fine. But only if that’s what you really want to do. You don’t have to be responsible. You have a choice.”

I didn’t feel like I did. “This is just… a lot,” I admitted.

Homage looked at me again, perceiving all of the various layers of my distress. “Was that your first time?” she asked quietly.

I nodded. And then added, “It felt good, too.” That admission hurt the most, worse than pulling the thorns from the timberwolves out of my hide.

I felt her hoof on my chest. “It didn’t feel good there, did it?” she said, her hoof over my heart. I considered her words, looking down at myself, and she continued. “Of course it felt good physically. Ponies probably wouldn’t do it at all, even consensually, if it didn’t. But that’s not your fault. It doesn’t mean anything, okay? Nothing.”

“But…” Once again, I felt the barrier raise. Words too hard for me to spit out.

Homage saw right through me. “Were you thinking about her? Before I came in?”

I just nodded. I wanted the bed to swallow me whole.

But Homage didn’t look at me like I was a monster, the way I felt I was. “Things will get better,” was all she said. “I know it’s hard and confusing now. Especially when you don’t have a lot of experience with… this kind of stuff. But it won’t hurt this bad forever, and it won’t be so confusing later on. You’ll have more experiences. There will be other mares. Mares who will do it the way you like it, and… you’ll both enjoy yourselves. Without question. And you’ll know what it’s supposed to be like.”

I smiled. “Like with you and Littlepip?”

“Exactly like us,” Homage confirmed. “When you find the right one, you won’t be able to stay off of each other. And everything about it will feel right. I promise.”

I already knew the right one, though. At least the one I wanted. Which drew my thoughts to Rosemary. “Please don’t tell them,” I asked her suddenly. “My friends. Rosemary especially. Please,” I begged.

She raised a brow at me. “Rosemary, eh?”

“I don’t want any of them to know. I couldn’t face them if they did…” Just thinking about it, I could feel the shadow of shame crossing over me.

Homage seemed to think for a moment. “I won’t tell them. I’ll cover for you if I have to. But you really should tell them at some point. Those mares care about you, Ebonmane. They’re really worried about you. And I know they could help you work through this. You don’t have to do it on your own.” She sighed. “You stallions want to be so damn tough all the time. Stallions and Littlepip. But I can tell you right now, if you try and carry this on your own back, it’ll break you. You need to lighten the load.”

I gulped. The pressure to confess alone made me feel anxious. “I will,” I said. “Just… Not yet. I’m not ready yet. If Rosemary knew I had my first time with another mare…”

“She would understand,” Homage finished for me. There was a silence, a slow release of pressure before Homage added, “She’s cute, by the way.”

“Rosemary?”

“Yeah. I thought there was something between you two. You think about each other a lot, don’t you?” I nodded. “Just… try to think about how you would feel if it were her. You’d want to be there for her. And if you really care, you’ll let her be there for you. You won’t push her away.”

Cloud Chaser interrupted us, and if she was awake, it meant it was pretty late in the morning. She could clearly see that Homage and I were having a moment, but she awkwardly stated her case. “Uhh… Ironbright’s getting her armor in a twist about coming up with a new plan?” she said.

Homage nodded and stood up. “Coming?” she asked me.

After the talk, I felt more capable. I stood and followed her out.

Everypony was assembled in her living room, and I was able to look Ironbright, Cloud Chaser, and Rosemary in the eye. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. They didn’t say anything to me, but I could tell they were glad to see me.

“Alright, first thing’s first,” Homage said. Her horn glowed red, and I could see an aura envelop the room. When the spell was complete, she said, “There. No one’s going to listen in on this.” A soundproofing spell. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, given Homage’s career.

“We need to go after Livewire,” Ironbright said. “If she’s willing to assassinate Ebonmane, she’s a threat to the mission to reunify Equestria. We have to bring her to justice.”

Homage looked at me, and we exchanged eye contact, but not long enough for the others to be suspicious. “I’m not so sure that’s the best idea,” Homage said. “If you try to follow her, you could be walking into a den of wolves. Or mutant alicorns, as it were. And you guys aren’t equipped to handle that. There’s no guarantee she was working alone.”

“We can’t just let her go,” Rosemary insisted.

“We won’t,” Homage said. “But if she knows Ebonmane’s alive, then part one of Littlepip’s plan is already busted. Sort of. We did manage to draw out the threat she anticipated. Just not eliminate it. That doesn’t mean we can’t go forward with the rest of the plan.”

I finally found my voice. “Wasn’t the rest of the plan to open up the stables?” I asked.

Even the proposition was heavy enough to force a pause. “Yeah,” Homage confirmed. “She thinks it’s time.”

“But there’s still raiders, and maybe some rogue mutant alicorns, and even the Steel Rangers and the Applejack’s Rangers are still fighting here and there,” Cloud Chaser said. “It’s not really safe.”

Homage just shook her head. “There’s never going to be a perfect time to do this. But Littlepip activated the Gardens of Equestria. The water is clean now, more or less. The land is arable. Hell, even Canterlot might be technically inhabitable with some work. But we can’t build cities and farms and communities like this. We need more ponies on deck. And there’s hundreds, maybe even thousands, trapped underground.” She looked at me. “There’s a royal alicorn again. Somepony for them to follow. It might not be the Equestria they expected, but it’s not going to be a wasteland they walk into. It’s time.”

“So how do we do it? Just open them up and have a welcome party ready?” Rosemary asked.

Homage shrugged. “It’s not too far off. We’ll be careful. Stable-Tec did all sorts of freaky experiments with the stables. Some of those populations might not be alive, and the ones that are might not be compatible with Equestrian society as we know it. We’re going to have to be gentle to explain to them how things are up here. But if they see an alicorn leading them out into the sun, I know we can make it work.” Homage, and then everypony else, looked at me. I could feel the pressure once more. “You guys should go in. Check things out. Do some recon. And then we can figure out our approach from there. Take it one stable at a time.”

“Easier said than done,” Ironbright said. “Stables aren’t mean to just let ponies in or out.”

“Most of them probably think we’re all dead,” Cloud Chaser pointed out. “If they get some kind of signal that there are others on the outside, they might at least get curious.”

“Most have orders not to open for any reason until a given signal,” Ironbright said.

“Some of those stables are time-locked,” Homage confirmed. “But some are looking at radiation levels, and their scanners have to be letting them know that things are getting better out here. And even then, they’re not impenetrable. Ponies leave all the time. Like Littlepip.”

“They deserve to know what’s going on,” I spoke up. All turned back to me. “If they don’t want to come out, that’s they’re choice. But if we can find some way to communicate with them, to tell them that things are safe out here, and that there is another alicorn ready to lead them out, then wouldn’t it be wrong to keep it from them? They should know the truth.”

Homage smiled. “Spoken like a true leader.”

“So where do we start?” Ironbright said.

“Littlepip already thought of that,” Homage replied. “Stable 202. All the way out in the Crystal Empire. It’s going to be a big trip, but most of the stables close by have already been opened. No pony’s been that far north to check on them, but it should still be intact. Littlepip doesn’t seem to think there are a lot of raiders up there. Or anything, for that matter. Too cold.”

“Maybe there’s a reason no pony goes up there?” Cloud Chaser said. “Like, what if we freeze to death?”

“You’ll go prepared. Warm clothes and lots of soup,” Homage quipped.

“And what about Livewire?” Rosemary brought up. “She tried to kill Ebonmane. She’ll probably try and track him down, and if she catches us out there, we won’t have any backup. Shouldn’t we deal with her?”

“I’m sure Littlepip is already keeping an eye on her, as best she can,” Homage said. “I’ll be in touch with her, and I’ll put the rest of my sources to work. We’ll track her down and come up with a way to deal with her.”

“And if she does come for Ebonmane?” Rosemary insisted.

Homage again looked at me. She wanted to explain everything she knew, but she kept her word to me. “Look… I think if she wanted to kill Ebonmane, she would have,” Homage said. “I don’t know why she didn’t. But she wants him alive, I think. So if she does find you guys… Surrender.”

“No way,” Rosemary answered firmly.

“I agree,” Ironbright said. “If we have the chance to take her down, we’re going to take it. Especially if you’re so sure she won’t hurt Ebonmane. That gives us the advantage.”

“Just trust me,” Homage said, frustrated at the situation I had put her in. “I think she just wants to capture Ebonmane. But we need all of you alive if we’re going to pull this off. If she takes him… He’ll be alright. But she won’t spare you three. We can rescue Ebonmane from her. We can’t rescue you guys if she kills you.”

“I think she’s right,” I chimed in. “Even if she does capture me, maybe I can find out what she’s really up to. I don’t know what she wants with me, but… I know I’m valuable to her. I think I’m a part of her plans, just like ours. We have to think about the long term.”

They weren’t quite buying it. Ironbright stood up and said, “If you say so, Ebonmane. But I don’t like it.”

“I’ll try and get you guys what you need to leave soon. Maybe in the next few days. I’ll put out a radio broadcast tonight mentioning that Ebonmane is out of the hospital and that he survived the attempt on his life. That’ll pick up everypony’s spirits, and you can get out my room,” Homage said.

Her attempt at a joke didn’t do much to lighten the mood. And even though it wasn’t even noon, I was already exhausted. I went back to my room to lie down, retreating from the others. I got the feeling they wanted to talk to me, but I wasn’t ready yet. So much was happening so fast.

The Crystal Empire was on my mind too. Stable 202. The land of Shining Armor and Cadance’s rule. An ancient part of me was excited to see it up close. But after my first trip into the truth of their past, I also had a sinking feeling I would regret going. That I would only continue to learn more that I didn’t want to know. That my delusions would continue to be broken over and over again until I finally broke.

As I laid on my bed, I thought it funny that I had spent so much energy worrying for the safety of the mares in my life, constantly convinced that they were one mistake away from being raped, when it was me who was most at risk the whole time. I hadn’t even considered that a mare could do it to a stallion. Not really. But the more I thought about it, how I had felt before, I felt so naïve. Foolish. Foalish. I had honestly believed that my personal sex drive was just as much of a threat to them as a slaver like Thunderfall.

I wasn’t worried about what I would do to them now. I didn’t even know what I would do. I felt as if I didn’t even know myself. My sheets were still crumpled in the corner from this morning’s episode with Livewire. I wondered if I would ever shake those feelings. If I would ever feel like I did before. If I would even be able to get off to anything else.

My body wasn’t in the mood for such thoughts though. The mere subject of sex felt exhausting, for possibly the first time in my post-pubescent life. I just continued to stew in ragged feelings and generalized self-loathing. I didn’t even quite know why I hated myself so much. It wasn’t just because of this morning. It was everything. The great nebulous everything.

I was feeling tired, but I didn’t want to sleep. I was afraid of another dream. But I could feel it start to take me. Perhaps unnaturally.

I couldn’t have hidden from it forever.

I found myself in a deep, dark cave system. Shadows stretched on and on all around me, yawning chasms above and on all sides. There was stone, platforms amidst the darkness, linked by rocky bridges. Yet the darkness closed in on me, burning at the edges of the land, ready to swallow me.

I knew this was a dream. Unlike my other blackheart visions, there wasn’t any confusion. It felt as real and vivid as they were, but I knew this place wasn’t in Equestria.

There was a shadow before me. I could feel its presence. A pony. Male. A unicorn, perhaps. Big and strong. Eyes, the brightest green I had ever seen, purple flames flickering at the edges, the pupils red and evil.

“At last,” a voice came to me, both from the shadow and all around me. Male as well, rather regal and sinister. “It’s taken quite some time to get you here, Ebonmane.”

I didn’t bother to ask who it was. “You’re the blackheart, aren’t you? The will inside of it. The one giving me nightmares.”

“Perceptive,” he answered.

I stood my ground. I didn’t want to play around. I wanted answers. “What do you want with me?”

“I want what you want,” he answered. “I want you to rule Equestria.”

The answer took me back. “Then why mess with me? Why try and stop me?”

“It’s all a part of the process. Even this, meeting face to face, as it were. You and I are connected, Ebonmane. I’ve chosen you. The process has begun, and you can’t stop it. My power over you grows each day.”

“That’s your plan?” I asked. “You want to rule Equestria through me?”

“When the time comes, you’ll accept my plan,” he answered me. “The more you come to know me, the more you come to accept what I show you, the easier it will be.” He chuckled. “Although, I think I’ve found your weakness. Quite an explosive morning, wasn’t it?”

I felt heat rise within me. I didn’t imagine anypony had seen that episode in its entirety. But I subdued my embarrassment. “You shouldn’t have told me what you wanted. I won’t give in to you. It’s that simple.”

“Isn’t it?” he said. “Another before you felt the same way, and he succumbed to my influence in time. Too bad the bombs fell when they did, and ruined my plans. But now you’re here. And an alicorn, no less. Such providence.”

My mind was racing. “Somepony… before me?”

I could feel the cold smile. “Think. You’ll get it.”

And I did. With an icy chill, the realization hit me. “Shining Armor.”

“Very good,” the shadow gloated. “His weakness was even the same as yours: fear and power over mares. He was so very jealous of his wife’s status as the alicorn. So humiliated to be her number two. All he wanted was to put her in her place. I merely helped him realize that, and the rest is history, as they say.”

The ice turned to burning rage. “You fucking monster!” I yelled, my voice echoing through the caverns.

The shadow laughed powerfully at my impotent anger. “It looks like I hit a sore spot! But you know it’s true. I know what you want. I know what you won’t admit to yourself that you want. But you and I both know it. We know how good it feels, don’t we? To have power. To embrace fear. To take what we want until nothing can challenge us. It’s more than just the pleasures of the flesh, Ebonmane. You’ll never have mastery of yourself, you’ll always be weak and afraid, unless you learn to overcome your fear and seize your desires. You are born to be a king, Ebonmane. All of it could be yours. Not just money and power, mares and fine things, but the most powerful magic of all. You could have all those things, and they could last an eternity. In your Equestria.”

I didn’t know how to respond. His words struck me hard in the chest, and I felt weak. “And then you’ll take me?” I asked.

“And then I take you. But don’t worry. You’ll want me to. It’ll be what’s best for both of us.” He started to fade, either by his choice, or his power waning on its own, but I knew this wouldn’t be last I saw of him.

“I won’t just let you win. I’ll fight you,” I insisted.

“I expect you to. It should be fun,” the shadow replied. “Don’t forget this, Ebonmane. You may return to Equestria, but your soul will always belong here. In Tartarus.”

When I awoke, I knew, deep in my hollow soul, that he was right.