One Night at Hayburgers

by Propellerface

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 911

Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie work the night shift at Hayburgers.

Twilight and Pinkie are loyal employees (well, one of them is) at Ponyville's finest eating establishment ever established for eating: Pony Joe's Hayburgers. But when Joe decides to keep Hayburger's open 24 hours a day, will they survive the night?

(Cover image by Trace-101.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-28 22:30:01 UTC

Graveyard Shift

It was on this night, perhaps more than any other in her life, that Twilight really, really reconsidered going to Magic College.

"And then I said 'Oatmeal? Are you crazy?' " Pinkie said, snorting with amusement.

Dealing with Pinkie was something she was usually willing to endure; her student loans weren't going to pay off themselves, after all. But putting up with her for 24 hours?

Pony Joe was gonna have to learn to sleep with one eye open.

"And then he said, 'Actually, Pinkamena, if you'll review the blueprints of the Oscolt Catalyst, you'll see that oatmeal is an absolutely essential component."

Twilight jolted from her day-er, nightdreaming, her eyes instantly unglazing. "Wait, what?"

"What?" Pinkie said, turning to Twilight quizzically.

Twilight stared blankly at Pinkie for a moment, before returning her attention back to her issue of Books Quarterly. "Nevermind," she muttered.

"Is something wrong, Twilight?" Pinkie said, her mouth curling downwards for once, "You're acting like you're not super psyched about working here for 24 hours."

Twilight glared. "Pinkie, I hate working here during the day. What makes you think I'll feel any better doing it all day?"

"Oh come on Twilight, this is super fun!" Pinkie said, suddenly appearing beside Twilight and hugging her tightly, much to the unicorn's annoyance, "It's just like a sleepover, only we're sweaty, and covered with grease!"

It was at this point that Twilight's eyes bulged, her nostrils flared, and she pushed Pinkie aside with a gag. "You'll have to forgive me for withholding my enthusiasm."

Hours passed. Unsurprisingly, most of Ponyville was asleep at three in the morning. Twilight had begun digging into her hidden back issues of Books Quarterly, when she heard it. An odd, wet sound that seemed to come from nowhere. Her ears perked. Her eyes flicked about. And then, a cold sensation ran down her spine, as she slowly, slowly turned around to see Pinkie Pie standing behind her, holding a long, wooden stick. Oh Celestia, she's finally snapped. A scream caught in Twilight's throat as she fumbled her way over the counter, before unceremoniously falling snout-first into the floor.

"Hey! I just mopped that!"

Regaining her hoofing, Twilight whipped around. A mop. Right. Yes. The unicorn sighed, bringing her hoof to her face.

It was then, with her back covered in mop water and her hoof squishing her nose, that Twilight remembered Pinkie's mention of slumber parties earlier. Thinking back to her foalhood, Twilight recalled that they were required by law to include at least half an hour worth of "spooky stories".

Which she of course knew through years of life experience and fond memories, and certainly not from a book. Yes.

Twilight tried to hide a growing dark smile. This should shut her up for a bit. "Pinkie, I actually do have another reason for not wanting to be here tonight..."

Pinkie turned around, abandoning her table buffer. "What's that, Twi?"

"It's ah, a bit of a secret. Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't tell you-"

"No, no!" Pinkie said, practically galloping up to the counter, "You can't just leave me hanging like that!"

"Well, alright," Twilight said, leaning over the counter, "Tell me Pinkie, has Pony Joe told you about...the Flash Slinging Sentry?"

Pinkie sat flummoxed. "The Mash Bringing Sentry?"

Twilight rose, looming over Pinkie. "The Flash Slinging Sentry."

Pinkie brought a hoof to her chin. "The Hash...Bringing...t-the Glass...Ringing...um-"

"Yes," Twilight said, struggling to keep herself from glaring, "The Flash Slinging Sentry. But most ponies just call him the 'Fla-HOOOUGH!'...because that's all they have time to say...before he gets them!"

"Well that's kinda rude. They should use his real name!"

Twilight blinked. "Anyway, years ago, at this very restaurant, the Flash Slinging Sentry used to be a burgerista. Just...like...you!" Twilight made sure to waggle her hooves in an appropriately spooky fashion, which Pinkie unfortunately didn't seem to pick up on.

"Only more boring!" Twilight said, standing on her hind hooves. "So completely mundane and devoid of character, that it could kill."

Pinkie gasped. Twilight smirked. "And then, one day, when he was grilling the hay...it happened."

"W-what happened?" Pinkie said, hiding behind her hooves.

"He...died! Of boredom! And then, at his funeral, they...fired him!"

Pinkie blinked. "I don't think either of those things can happen, either physically or legally."

Twilight groused. "Haven't you ever heard of suspension of disbelief?"

"Twilight, don't be silly! Your story had nothing to do with suspende-"

Midway through her sentence, there was a knock at the door. The purple drained from Twilight's face as she saw who it was. "T-t-t-the Lash Clinging! The Fresh...Swinging!"

Pinkie cowered behind Twilight. "The Flash Slinging Slasher! Oh no!"

The Flash Slinging Sentry tapped open the door, his hoof shaking. "I'm just poorly used! I haven't been given any opportunities to actually show any character, and am hated by the same fanbase that gives characters that are only on screen for five seconds fully fleshed out personalities! I had a line!-"

Flash's monologue was quickly cut off by a cash register impacting his face. Twilight turned to Pinkie in shock as the pink mare settled back down, her heart racing.

After a moment, Pinkie spoke.

"I guess you could say Flash got...bashed!

The duo's laughter began in light tittering, before devolving into full-blown guffaws, Pinkie tumbling over the counter as the studio audience joined in and the credits began to roll.

And then a skeleton popped out.