How to Survive in Equestria with Insomnia

by NerfedFalcon

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 8963

A human has to deal with ponies, language barriers, and insomnia.

Being sucked out of your own world by a magic spell that can’t be safely reversed is one thing. It happens all the time in fantasy novels. It was only a matter of time before one of those spells hit my world, and someone has to win the lottery.

Arriving in a world where, not only are humans not the dominant species, but there aren’t any other humans at all, is rather more difficult. Still, the dominant species, the ponies, seem to be a nice enough bunch that they’ll accept a stranger in their midst. I think.

The fact that they don’t speak English, or even any kind of analogue of English, is inevitable, I guess. In another universe entirely, it’s only natural that they wouldn’t speak English. Though, the one who brought me here used her magic to learn it, so I can at least talk to someone.

Surviving all of these is potentially doable. But all those problems, plus uptight nobles, overenthusiastic princesses, a griffon with a superiority/inferiority complex, homesickness and insomnia might be one too many problems to handle. And the insomnia isn’t going away any time soon, so I’d better get comfortable with Twilight and all the rest.
~
Note: This is based on my own personal experience with chronic insomnia, which may vary to your experience with chronic insomnia or what you’ve heard about it from Fight Club.

Takes place a few days after Twilight’s coronation at the end of Season 3. Season 4 is not canon to this story (because I still haven’t seen it yet). It's only a mild AU, so no tag.

Rated Teen for swearing and possible heavy topics later. (Sorry about that, everyone who thought this would be appropriate for their kids.)

Published 2014-10-29 01:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-30 12:21:50 UTC

No Words

Author's Note

And here we are with another story idea. I plan to focus on this one for the time being, though, so it should actually go somewhere.

My philosophy is that you can still do something good without being unique. Whether or not this is good, I'll leave to you to decide.

No Words

I’d gotten up at about 1 in the morning. After failing to sleep for about four hours, I just gave up and headed downstairs. There’s not a lot that can be done this late at night without waking somebody up, whether it’s my family or my neighbours. I live in the suburbs, so there’s nowhere to go at night. I mean, it’s safe outside, but I don’t have any reason to leave the house, since there’s no bars or clubs or even any local friends who might still be awake.

By now, I’ve kind of gotten used to having a few extra hours of deadwood tacked onto my life at each end of each day. It gives me a lot of time to think, lying in bed or sitting on the couch, staring at the ceiling. It beats staring at my navel, which is the only thing I can do without turning on a light or making any noise.

Sometimes, if I’ve completely given up on sleeping, I’ll talk to a few of my friends online. Most of them are asleep late at night, but there’s a few people that I can catch late, and sometimes I’ll meet new people in IRC channels. Most of the time, though, nothing really happens at night. I guess that’s always been how it goes, though.

Normal people live normal lives in the daytime, and only weirdos and criminals act at night. I suppose I’ll never get robbed since I’m always awake, but the sleep isn’t the only thing I wish I could have like a normal person. Sometimes, I just wish I could have an interesting life, even if I had to embrace my insomnia to reach it.

I’ve heard that was a curse in ancient China: “May you live in interesting times.”

Anyway, I’d decided I might take a walk outside, since I live in a pretty safe suburb. I’ve been taking taekwondo classes for my fitness, but I still don’t think I could take on anyone with a knife and a will to take my stuff. I don’t even have that much stuff, besides my camouflage jacket, jeans and watch. They’re all pretty new, but I could afford to replace them if somebody wanted to try and steal them.

As I walked to the park nearby, I suddenly got a strange feeling in the air, like something not of this world was trying to enter. At first, it was just mild, and I shook it off as being nerves, but as I entered the park, the feeling started growing a lot stronger. It wasn’t just that the energy was invading this world, but entering my body specifically, filling me with a feeling of wrongness. All of a sudden, this feeling exploded into burning pain, as though my entire body had been torn apart, but I could still feel every part individually.

Suddenly, my body came back together, and the pain subsided as quickly as it had come. Instinctively, I checked to see if all my body parts really were where they were meant to be. First, my hands. They were the right way around, my mouth seemed to move properly, my feet looked okay, though I’d need to take my shoes off to tell properly. All my clothes were intact, so I could only assume that all my internal organs were fine.

That was the least of my worries at that point, though. I could hear somebody speaking nearby, though their words sounded like gibberish. My sight and hearing were blurry, but as they cleared, I quickly noticed two things: that they definitely weren’t speaking in any language I knew of, and that they weren’t human in the first place.

The closest point of reference I had to refer to them by was ‘ponies’, though their coat and mane colours and the size of their eyes weren’t like any breed of horse I knew. There were three of them, all facing me, one closer than the others. This one was notable for having a horn protruding from her forehead, making her a unicorn. I could only guess at her gender from how her voice sounded, but although I couldn’t understand what she was saying, there was something in her eyes that suggested a kind of warmth, and I reached out by asking, “Where am I?”

One of the ponies in the back screamed and started running away, despite the protestations? Cries to calm down? Despite whatever the other two were calling out after her, she was running in fear. Of me? Of the unknown I represented? Whatever the case, the second had started running after her, leaving me alone with the unicorn.

She said something else, and I replied, “I don’t understand what you’re saying,” as slowly as possible. “But you don’t understand me either, do you?” Her questioning response seemed to confirm that. “Well...”

The unicorn said something I couldn’t make out, before her horn began glowing and her wings flared out. Wait, wings? Unicorns don’t normally have wings. Did that make her some kind of—

The thought gave out as the strange, painful feeling returned, this time concentrated on my head. I couldn’t be sure what was happening, but I was clutching at my head, hoping the pain would go away, despite me being unable to do anything but clutch, scream and kick out. When the pain stopped again, I tried to stand up, but found myself falling over, disoriented.

I remember that I at least managed to say, “Hello, reception? There’s a beautiful woman in my bed and a dead man in my bath.” Then I lost consciousness.

~~~

Twilight didn’t know what to make of the creature’s final words. She supposed that the language spell must have still been calibrating itself, because the statement hadn’t made any more sense than what he’d said before. At least, the tenor of his voice sounded male, though she couldn’t be sure. Still, he’d seemed to be in a lot of pain while the spell was being cast.

That was strange in and of itself, because normally that spell was entirely benign. It was a little bit invasive, but it didn’t actually read any memories or thoughts, only language patterns. Still, being able to communicate with him would come in handy, if he was still alive.

Trying to cast the least invasive spell she could that would help her, she cast a diagnostic spell for the singular purpose of finding out if he was still alive.

~~~

Another jolt of pain shot through me, yanking me out of oblivion like a bungee cord around my neck. “Anyone lost a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?” I asked deliriously, holding one hand up. “Because I found the rubber band.” Shaking the blurs out of my vision, I started looking around. I was in the same room as before, with the purple... winged unicorn. I didn’t know what to call her, as a species I mean. For now, though, ‘pony’ would have to do.

The pony said something to herself, and I pointed out again that I didn’t understand her. “Oh, sorry!” she suddenly exclaimed in plain English. “I forgot that you don’t speak Common Equis. Though, I’ve never heard anything like your language before...”

“Common Equis?” I asked. “Is that what you call it here?”

“No, but it’s the closest thing I could find in your language. You’re missing out on so many things... Your names, for example. They don’t seem to carry any meaning or poetry at all!”

“Mostly, that’s because we stole them from other languages,” I admitted. “My own name, Soren, means ‘stern’ in Danish or something like that.” I quickly sat up as I realised something. “Wait, why am I arguing linguistics with a pony? There’s more pressing concerns right now!”

The pony seemed shocked by the statement, but quickly pressed her ears down, blushing and laughing quietly. “Oh, I’m sorry... Soren. What do you mean?”

I took a deep breath before launching into a rant. “For instance, the fact that I’m stuck in a world full of talking ponies, one of whom has the ability to put me in excruciating pain with a single thought!” I didn’t even know I had that inside me, but I was on a roll and couldn’t slow down. “And if that’s the case, then I can’t just pinch myself to wake up, not that I could have gone to sleep in the first place, because I’m a chronic insomniac who has either just gone completely insane from a lack of sleep, or I’ve actually been transported across worlds!”

Out of breath after the rant, I started breathing quickly, feeling the anger flooding my cheeks and trying to reel myself back in. If I’d scared the other ponies just by talking before, then this one would be running from my rant, especially if she understood it. As I was thinking that, what she said next threw me for a loop. “I’m sorry you feel that way,” she said. “I guess that makes me kind of responsible for you... Do you want to sleep here, at least for tonight until we can figure out something more permanent?”

I was surprised to see such kindness coming after my explosive rant, and it cooled me off immediately. “Uh, yeah, sure,” I mumbled, not bothering to point out that I had trouble sleeping in the best of circumstances.

The pony smiled brightly in response. “That’s settled, then! You can sleep in my bed; I’ve stayed up nights before, and I need to figure out at least why you’re here, if not how to fix it.” She turned away and started heading up a flight of stairs, mumbling to herself in her own language. Suddenly, she stopped and turned back. “What are you waiting for? The bed’s up here!”

Shrugging slightly, I stood up and followed her, coming into a room that seemed to be a library with a bed stuck in one corner. As I sat on the bed, the pony looked me over and suddenly giggled and blushed again. “I didn’t realise you were so tall before,” she said. “You might not be able to fit...”

I took my shoes off, leaving the rest. Even if she’d never seen a human before, and even though she wasn’t wearing clothes, I personally didn’t feel comfortable being naked with a member of the opposite sex in the room. Stretching myself out on the bed fully, I found there was just enough room if I curled up slightly. “No, it’ll be fine,” I reported back, turning towards the wall as she smiled and walked off, mumbling in Common Equis again.

Slowly, I started to take stock of my situation. I was trapped in a world where, as far as I could tell, the dominant species was talking ponies who didn’t speak English. The only one who knew it was capable of torturing me better than any human could hope to, but seemed apologetic and overly friendly considering we hardly knew each other. And on top of that, I still couldn’t sleep, though I didn’t want to turn down the bed.

“Some things never change, huh,” I mused to myself as I closed my eyes. Even if sleep never came, I still needed the rest. And with any luck, this would turn out to be just a fever dream in the end.

~~~

To see Soren in such pain, and to hear his accusations that she was causing it, had driven Twilight to be perhaps overly compensatory to him. Then again, considering that she was the cornerstone of harmony and friendship, it was only natural that she would be willing to at least try and be nice to him, she thought. Even after the rant he’d given, she still believed that it wasn’t all directed at her, and was merely venting his frustration, like she did by setting herself on fire.

Inwardly thanking Fortuna for the fact that she hadn’t done that in over a year, she immediately set about grabbing every book she could find that she thought would be useful. Setting the books in a pile near her desk, she took one last look at Soren, who was turning over and over, though he was quiet otherwise, not snoring or mumbling at all. Still, Spike had been a restless sleeper once, to say nothing of Pinkie Pie, and she didn’t let it distract her research.

She’d need to know everything she could about long-distance teleportation, involuntary teleportation and cryptozoology before he woke up, so that she could have at least some answers to his questions. She owed him at least that much for the trouble he was going through, before she sent him back to wherever he’d come from.

As the hours wore on, though, she became less and less certain that he would like the answers if she told him the truth.

~~~

I woke up, or at least got up, a little after eight o’clock. The pony was staring at the cover of a closed book, and didn’t notice until I greeted her. She seemed to jolt up, but quickly recovered as she turned around and returned the greeting. “Did you sleep well?” she asked.

“Not really. I don’t usually sleep,” I replied.

“Really? That’s amazing!” she cried. “Humans don’t need to sleep very much? You’d be able to...”

I shook my head, and she stopped. “Insomnia isn’t that common among humans. And it’s really not that amazing. It’s more of a pain in the butt than anything. Ponies usually sleep at night, right?” She nodded, and I continued, “So do humans. And since I can’t really do anything without waking someone else up, all I can really do is stare at the ceiling and think.”

“What do you think about?”

“Lots of things. For instance, last night I was mostly thinking about how I mistreated you before. I didn’t mean to snap at you, and I’m really sorry about it.”

“Maybe it’s because you were tired? I can help you sleep with magic—”

“Also, where I’m from, unicorns are mostly fictional, but are generally associated with magic. And when your horn was glowing before, that was when the pain started. I don’t think that even if you have a sleeping spell, it’d really do much to me except hurt.”

“Oh... I thought something like that might be the case.” Her ears drooped and she turned away, frowning sadly. “But, isn’t it hard never getting any sleep?”

“Sleep and rest aren’t mutually exclusive. Besides, it’s been like this for a long time, even after I started taking pills for it. I can manage.” Casting about for a topic to get off my insomnia, I hit on the books behind her. “What were you reading about last night?” I asked.

“Well, I was looking into anything about how you could have gotten here.” She gulped and added, “But I don’t know if I should tell you...”

I sat down to meet her eye level and said, “I can handle anything you can throw at me. The truth hurts, but finding out you’ve been lied to hurts more in the end. Catharsis, y’know?”

She nodded slowly, saying something to herself. “Most importantly, I can’t send you back.” That did hurt to hear, but I simply nodded. “You’re not from this world, or even this dimension. I haven’t been using my magic recently, and it kind of built up and overloaded. The spell I cast to burn it off was probably the one that brought you here, but I don’t know exactly which dimension I pulled you in from, so trying to send you back would be inexact at best and most likely lethal. Besides, considering your allergic reaction to magic, it’d be even harder to accurately send you. I’m sorry, but you’re going to be here for a very long time.”

Standing up, I shook my head. “Don’t be sorry. And don’t apologise for the magic you cast on me earlier. It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known.” She smiled at that, her ears finally perking up completely. I was about to say something else when I was cut off by the sound of a rumbling stomach. “Heh, guess it must be about breakfast time.”

The pony nodded, only for her own stomach to betray her. She laughed, agreeing. “The others should be having breakfast right about now. If you’re going to be staying here, you might want to meet them with me, so I can introduce you.”

“Oh yeah, that reminds me,” I interrupted. “What’s your name?”

She paused for a while, sounding out something in Common Equis (I assumed) before saying more loudly, “In your language, I suppose the closest translation is ‘Twilight Sparkle’. Though, since those are just words—”

“That sounds fine, Twilight,” I cut her off before she could launch into another argument about English linguistics. “It suits you, I think.” She seemed annoyed that I’d cut her off, but her annoyance faded as she recognised the compliment. “Let’s go get something to eat.”

Impressions

“So, who’s actually in charge here?” I asked Twilight as she led me through the corridors of the palace. At first I was unable to say anything, having been taken aback by the sheer beauty of the place. I’d seen historical castles before, but they couldn’t compare to one that was actively inhabited and pulled together by magic. “I mean, you said you were an... alicorn? Is that actually what it is in Common Equis?”

I didn’t want to get into another linguistic argument if I could avoid it, but the word seemed totally foreign to me. Twilight simply nodded, though. “That is the word for it, yes.”

“But there’s more of them, older ones than you?”

“I’m the youngest known Alicorn, yes.” The way she emphasised it, I felt like there was meant to be a capital letter on it. “I still hold a higher rank than most ponies, but I’m technically subservient to the current diarchs, Celestia and Luna.”

“I suppose that’s CE again.”

“Yes. I don’t have anything close enough to them in English. There’s also Cadance, but she technically rules the Crystal Empire, and I don’t have to answer to her.” I nodded slowly. Politics were never my thing at the best of times, but at least I wouldn’t have to get actively involved in politics in Equestria.

“We’re here,” Twilight suddenly announced, stopping at a set of double doors. “This is the main dining room. There shouldn’t be too many ponies about, but at the very least, I expect Celestia should be here.” I nodded slowly, knowing that I’d have to try and behave as well as I could, though I’d probably still find some way to offend her.

Trying one last time to rub the permanent slight bags under my eyes away, I followed Twilight through the doors. There was only one other pony there, but had I not known better, I would have classed her as being a full-grown horse. Her coat was white as snow, her horn and wings both long and graceful, and her mane was a flowing rainbow.

Without even seeing the crown perched just in front of her horn, I knew instinctively that this was Celestia, and dropped into a bow. I didn’t know if the gesture was used by ponies, but the meaning would have been clear enough in any culture. In any case, Celestia didn’t seem to disapprove, saying nothing at all. It was Twilight who broke the silence that followed. Only catching my own name in the stream of syllables coming from her mouth, I assumed it was an introduction, and I stood up again, waiting for the senior princess’ response.

“I am pleased to meet thee, Soren.”

It took me a minute to pull my jaw off the floor, and looking around, I could see Twilight having the exact same reaction. As I pulled myself back together, I looked up at Celestia, but I couldn’t read her expression. “Art thou surprised? No more so than I, for I had not expected to see a human. Then again, if what Twilight tells me is true, thou art not of this world. That, I suppose, is only to be expected.” She cleared her throat, and then looked down at me directly. “What is so funny?”

“It’s... Your English sounds like something out of Shakespeare. Not that it’s wrong, just about five hundred years out of date.” I was laughing throughout that, but as soon as I saw her frown, I immediately stopped. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...”

“If thou art only here to criticise my grasp of a language that for the longest time I thought dead, then begone from my sight at once.”

“I already said I was sorry! What more do you want from me?!” I felt like I was about to snap at Celestia as I had at Twilight before, but the young princess stepped in on my behalf before I could, saying something in CE that seemed to calm Celestia down. “Look, I don’t mean to insult you, but sometimes I can’t stop myself saying shit I shouldn’t. Like then, I just swore in front of royalty. I didn’t mean anything by it, and I’d rather we could just set that aside. Is that okay with you?”

Once again, Celestia’s face was set unreadably, though eventually she closed her eyes and nodded. “I shall allow it this time. But take care how you speak in this place. Many ponies may not take kindly to you speaking in such a way to me.”

“I don’t even speak their language,” I admitted, glad to no longer be under her piercing gaze. “I’m probably not going to be saying much to anyone else. But you’re right.” I looked over the table, seeing nothing laid on it but at Celestia’s place. “What are you having for breakfast?”

Twilight stepped up to answer. “From what I’ve read about humans, there’s not a whole lot that you can eat that we do. But there’s always oatmeal and fruit. Do you like apples?”

“Yeah, I can go with oatmeal and apples. Not what I’d order for myself, but considering the situation, I’ll take it.” Twilight relayed the order to a pony who had just stepped in through a back door, and I noticed something about what she’d said. “Hey, Twilight, is it me or is the word ‘apple’ the same in both languages?”

“Apple, apple, apple... You’re right. That’s kind of weird.”

“Probably just a coincidence. But at least I’ll be able to get apples, if nothing else.” I looked across the set chairs, then turned to Celestia, who nodded at a chair one down from her left side. Twilight took the chair between us, fitting into it far more gracefully than I could. “Anyway, if I’m going to be stuck here for the foreseeable future, I might as well know something about this place. The world, the kingdom, the city, the palace, the ponies... I don’t know where to start asking. Though, a few proper names would help out a lot. The names of the country and the city, at least.”

Twilight cleared her throat and started, “This is Canterlot, the capital city of Equestria. Neither of those were translations.” I nodded slowly, thinking about how ‘Canterlot’ sounded so similar to Camelot, but if it wasn’t a translation at all, it was probably just a coincidence. “For the past thousand years, the Royal Palace has been situated here, near the peak of a mountain. The city itself is built on a large series of supports, sitting on the face and occasionally cutting inside the mountain. Even before it was the capital, much of the nobility had seats of power here; after the War of the Sisters destroyed the old capital, it was only natural that it be moved here.

“The city is divided into four segments. The Royal Palace is part of its own segment, known officially as the Royal Quarter. The others are the Aristocrats’ Quarter, the Merchants’ Quarter, and the Workers’ Quarter. Their usual inhabitants even now are easy enough to work out, though there’s been some overlap in recent times.”

“Understandable,” I commented. “Maybe a little too much information, but that’s fine. Tell me more about the ponies. You said that your kind, the Alicorns, are the rarest, so then what are the common types?”

Celestia stepped in to answer that. “Since the beginning, ponies have been divided into three races: the Earth Ponies, Unicorns, and Pegasi. Again, that’s what they call themselves; any overlap with thy language is either coincidental, or simply that thou borrowed the terms from us.”

“Probably the former, considering I’m from another universe entirely.”

“Quite. Anyway, in ancient times they were divided into three entirely separate tribes, and they dealt with one another as little as possible. When they were finally forced to unite, they came together under the leadership of a pair of ponies who possessed the traits of all three: myself and my sister.”

“How long ago was this?” I asked. “Because where I come from, anyone living for longer than a hundred years or so is either rare or fantasy fiction.”

“The Alicorns not only bear the power of all three races, but they contain an unnatural degree of said power. This has led to our continuing longevity. I do not know exactly how long I have lived for, but I have seen empires rise and fall, and worked tirelessly to maintain my own.”

“Alright, I can accept that. So, Earth Ponies, Unicorns and Pegasi. What are they all like?”

“First, and foremost, are the Earth Ponies. They bear no obvious magic, but their connection to the land gives them greater physical strength and endurance. Culturally, they are usually hard workers, most often farmers or miners. However, because of their seeming ‘normalcy’, they are often looked down upon by the others.

“Then, there are the Pegasi, whose wings give them primarily the power of flight.” Celestia flared her own wings out at this point. “They also have other control over the sky, such as the weather. They are instrumental in helping to control the passing of the seasons.”

“Wait, what? Manual weather and seasons? That sounds like something out of either a fantasy novel or a kids’ show.”

“I do not know thy meaning, but I assure thee that this is the case. And finally, we have Unicorns, whose direct control over magic give them abilities beyond the mundane, though most specialise in one field of magic or another. My faithful student, whom thou call Twilight, was once a Unicorn with a talent for all magic. Her prodigiousness was such that she was able to ascend and become an Alicorn, which is an extremely rare occurrence, but not as much so as ponies born Alicorns.” Twilight bowed her head at the statement, either out of acceptance of a compliment or remembrance.

“There is one last thing that thou should know about the pony races. Regardless of their affinity, all ponies bear a symbol of their identity, displayed on our flanks.” She turned her own flank so that I could see a stylised sunburst, and Twilight did the same with her six-pointed star. “I believe that the humans who once lived here called them Cutie Marks.”

“So, Earth Ponies, Pegasi and Unicorns, the Alicorns are like all three at once, and every pony has a Cutie Mark that tells other ponies who they are. That about it?”

“For now, that much will suffice. I believe thy breakfast is ready, anyway.” A pony set down a bowl of oatmeal with some apple slices floating in it in front of me. As a form of revision, I looked over them once, and determined they were an Earth Pony from their lack of wings or a horn. I thanked them, but I don’t know if they understood before they scurried off.

The two princesses were watching me carefully, and all I could do was try to eat as carefully as I could. Elbows off the table, only a small spoonful, don’t clasp the spoon in a fist, don’t spill any of it, and be sure to say something nice even if you can hardly swallow it, since you’ve never really had oatmeal before and certainly not from a royal kitchen...

“Is something the matter?” Twilight suddenly asked, and I realised that I’d been so worried checking over my classical etiquette that I hadn’t yet eaten anything. Shaking my head, I just took a spoonful of the oatmeal as normally as I could.

“This is...” I quickly swallowed the mouthful, avoiding speaking with my mouth full. “This is actually really good stuff! Though, it might be even better with a little cinnamon...”

I couldn’t get any further before the door literally slammed open, and a Unicorn walked in while saying something. Twilight must have known him already, because she seemed to tense up at the sight of him. Celestia seemed more reserved, though it was impossible to tell; if she’d kept a kingdom running for literally eons, then she probably had at least a passable poker face.

He suddenly stopped speaking as his eyes fell on me, and his tone immediately changed to angry. The short statement was probably along the lines of “Who’s that?” I repeated the question myself in English, which only seemed to make him angrier. He stomped right up into my face and began ranting in CE, which I could only stare bemused at until Twilight, growling, shouted at him, probably to call him off. Whatever the case, he immediately rounded on her, spending another sentence or so badmouthing her before storming off.

“What was that all about?” I asked, scratching my head and taking another spoonful of oats.

“Oh, him. He’s a nuisance to everyone here, but he’s usually off somewhere else. I think he was just meaning to pester Celestia, though now that he knows about you...” She trailed off, and although I wanted to know what she was thinking, I suspected I would find out soon enough anyway. “Don’t let it ruin your breakfast, though. With any luck, you won’t be seeing him again.”

“Why would he be trying to reach Celestia while she was having breakfast? And how would he even get the right, or the guts, to try?”

“He is my nephew, give or take a few generations,” Celestia replied. “But he acts as though that puts him above every other pony alive, and I have no official way to disown him. He is a nuisance, but he is incapable of any real harm. Do not let his threats bother you.”

“If I don’t even know what those threats are, I’m going to be watching my back anyway,” I replied. “But I doubt he poisoned my oatmeal, so,” I picked up another spoonful and swallowed, “let’s at least get breakfast done with before I think about anything else.”

“Anyway, I told him you were under my protection,” Twilight added, “so if he’s got any brains at all, he won’t try anything. Even though I’m not directly related to Celestia, I’m still an Alicorn, and official royalty rather than just having a title and a lot of money.”

“I wouldn’t test that, knowing some of the bluebloods in my own world.” More oatmeal fell through my throat, the taste still better than I’d thought oatmeal could be. “But I guess worrying won’t do me any good.” One last scrape around the bowl finished it off. “If I’m going to be here for a while, I’d better get to know the lay of the land.”

“In that, I cannot assist thou greatly. I must take to court for the morning, and I doubt that your presence there, or my lack of it, would not be frowned upon. But if my student hath taken responsibility for thou, then I shall leave it to her to keep you out of trouble as well.” She said something to Twilight, who nodded a few times. If she’d switched back, there were probably a few things that she didn’t want me knowing about, but I could deal with that. I was the guest, after all, and there’s a few things that guests just don’t do.

I’d already broken most of those rules by that point, but hopefully Twilight could keep me from falling into any other pitfalls. As the only pony I could talk to, I’d have to trust her, or else I’d go insane from the isolation, especially combined with my continuing insomnia.

“So, Twilight,” I started as I stood up from the table. “Where do you suggest we start the tour?”

“There’s a hedge maze outside in the grounds. Want to take a shot at it?”

“Sounds good to me.”

Twilight suddenly yawned loudly, and then laughed and blushed as she had before. “I forgot how tired I was from staying up all last night. I can at least show you where the entrance is, but then I’d better get some sleep. I can help get you a room later.”

“Alright. I’d like a room, even if I don’t actually sleep there. Lead the way, Twilight.”

~~~

The month had started out so well for Prince Blueblood, but he should have known that it couldn’t last. First there was the business of a new princess, and it was that upstart commoner that Celestia had plucked off the streets years ago. He’d never thought she’d amount to anything, but that she’d become an Alicorn by ‘means unknown’ rankled, and that she had more authority than him despite being fourteen years his junior annoyed him to no end.

Then there was that hairless ape sitting at the royal dining table, which couldn’t even speak properly, but the new ‘princess’ had defended him nonetheless. He almost didn’t want to eat breakfast that day anymore, until he suddenly realised something. He’d never seen an animal like the one that she’d been with, and if he could prove it was dangerous, then he’d be able to call her on a lack of judgement, and possibly even get her deposed.

The plan started to take form in his head, and he smirked at his own intelligence. If all went well, by the end of the week, ‘Princess’ Twilight Sparkle would be gone, out of sight and out of mind, and he’d be back to his normal life once again.

But first, he’d need to eat breakfast. The royal dining room was out, of course, but he had his own rooms in the castle, and he’d be perfectly able and willing to eat there. Something simple to start, like a cinnamon roll and a cup of tea, both perfectly heated and arranged, as he’d expect the royal cooks to be able to do, especially for nobility such as himself.

Author's Note

People can be shallow, so why can't ponies?

Circles

Author's Note

Bet nobody was expecting another update on this.

I wanted a break before I continued any further with LAT and this is the only other thing I have on my hard drive right now. The update schedule on this is now effectively "whenever the hell I feel like it."

Circles

Twilight left me at the entrance to the maze and disappeared. I don’t know whether she was just using a flash spell to make an exit, or if that was actual teleportation, but it didn’t matter. I was alone for the time being, and the maze wasn’t going to solve itself.

It started out simple enough. I didn’t mind going into any dead-ends, because I knew the left hand rule would eventually get me through to the middle. Twilight said there was a fountain there, so I’d at least know when to stop. Maybe I’d be able to get a drink of water as well. Considering we were at the peak of a mountain in a world run by magic, I doubted it’d be unsafe.

I’d gone a short ways in when I realised I was going in circles. I’d just passed the same bush three times, and I’d taken a moment to look at the flowers to ensure it actually was the same bush. After that revelation, I decided to turn around and head back another way, even if it meant losing my left hand rule, but only came to the same intersection with the exact same bush. “Is this someone’s idea of a joke?” I asked, sitting down opposite the bush.

A couple of the flowers started moving, and I leaned in closer, wondering what was in there. Suddenly, something jumped out of the bush and shouted, “Yes!” I screamed and threw myself backwards, managing to tear through a hedge in my panic. The thing followed me through the hole, declaring, “That was my idea of a joke! Why aren’t you laughing?”

“That wasn’t funny!” I shouted back, standing up. Then I remembered the scream, and blushed slightly. “Just who the hell are you to go around scaring people like that?” After a pause, I added, “And how do you know English?”

“Celestia isn’t the only one who’s been playing this game for a long time. I’ve met my fair share of humans before, and it’s only proper that I learn to speak with them, too. Oh, where are my manners?” Floating in midair, he pulled his snakelike body into what started as a bow, then turned into a makeshift Ouroboros for a moment. “I am...”

“The Cheshire Cat’s second cousin?” I was being sarcastic, but he either didn’t notice or care.

“First once removed, to be precise, but not a bad guess at all. My name is Discord, professional draconequus and god of chaos.” He started to spin around me, looking me over with his beady eyes. “I sensed a major surge of magic here a few hours ago. May I assume that that was you?”

“I had a part in it, but it was mostly Twilight Sparkle.”

“Twilight Sp...? Ah, yes. She’s always been far too clever for her own good. Doubtless she read about your kind in some ancient history book and cast a spell to bring you forward so that she could show you off to all her friends and to her precious mentor as proof of her ability now that she’s become an Alicorn.” All of that was in one breath, and his head had started spinning around independently of his body about halfway through.

“Actually,” I corrected, “it was an accident involving a magic overload, and I’m not from the past. I’ve never seen anything like this before. I’m from another dimension entirely.”

Once again, his head tilted sideways in an impossible manner. “Are you sure?”

“As sure as I can be of anything in this place.”

He stood on the ground in front of me, scratching his chin, his mismatched limbs catching my attention for a moment as I tried to figure out which graveyard he’d stolen them from. “Well, now, that is interesting. I hadn’t assumed that little,” he said something I assumed was Twilight’s name in CE, “could muster the power for that. Not without...” He trailed off, staring into the sky.

“Without what?”

“Oh, it’s nothing you should be concerned with. Anyhow, I’d better see to the princesses. They’ll want to know I’m here, and Twilight would have my head if I was to play with you any longer. If you want to reach the fountain, try turning left at every blue bush you come to. The rest, you’ll probably need some trial and error, but what fun is life without it?” Laughing to himself, he clicked his fingers and disappeared.

“Well, that was pointless,” I said to myself as I started walking again. “I must be mad. Then again, I’d never have come here otherwise.”

Except that’s not quite true, I thought as I passed the first of the blue bushes Discord mentioned. The leaves themselves were actually blue, and not just the flowers. This is a great big cosmic accident, and I won the lottery.

A right turn at an unmarked corner.

There was no significance to your arrival in Equestria. But maybe it’s better that way. After all, you weren’t any kind of hero back home, either.

Blue bush, left.

I wonder how my family are doing. By now, they’ve probably noticed I’m gone, if time works the same way between our worlds. They might not even be awake yet, or World War III could have come and gone in my absence.

Straight on, forced left turn, into a dead end. Right when I go back, because going straight again would just go backwards.

Could ponies have a nuclear war? They seem too peaceful, and too controlled by Celestia. But no dictator, even a benevolent one, can ever not have detractors...

Another guess. Going right is an immediate dead end, so it has to be straight.

Are there other kingdoms of ponies? Are there other species? I’ll probably never know, cooped up in Canterlot. But for the foreseeable future, I’ll only ever be here. With Twilight, Celestia, Discord, and... Who else is there?

Two ways I can choose from, straight or right. Blue bush here, but no immediate left turn. Straight on it is, then, since it’s about as left as I can go.

I’m not likely to do much socialising, but I should at least learn a couple of names and twenty words of CE. I managed a week in Paris on that much once, though it helped to have family who knew more French than I did.

No intersections yet.

How are my family doing? Are they wondering where I’ve gone, without leaving a note? Whether I was kidnapped or not?

Still nothing, but a few turns at least.

Damn it, now I’m thinking in circles! I need a distraction of some kind for myself. I need to get off this navel-gazing...

And there was the fountain, sitting in the middle of a large courtyard. Seeing the clear water flowing from its exits reminded me of how dry my own throat was, and I ran up to it, taking a drink from the basin to sate my thirst and clear my head. After about a minute just drinking the water, I feel against a nearby tree, its large leaves shading me.

The sun seemed larger, or closer, than the one I was used to. I hadn’t realised just how much I was sweating until I took my jacket off, laying it around me like a blanket. Even if I couldn’t even sleep in broad daylight, I could at least take a rest. Besides, I couldn’t remember the way out if I tried, and I’d want to not have sore feet when I went back into the maze.

~~~

For all her life, she had never been known by any name other than Cloth. Before she’d learned what kind of cloth it was, her parents had disappeared and the only ponies willing to take her in were the servants in the castle. She eventually learned their trade, but had always felt like an outsider to the palace, both its actual residents and its live-in employees.

About the only thing she was good at was keeping a low profile. Servants, she’d always been told, were supposed to be invisible unless they were specifically requested. She’d managed to avoid the notice of just about everypony else for the longest time, and sometimes she wondered whether it really was better that way.

The only time she’d broken that code that she could remember was when she’d investigated the commotion in Princess Twilight’s room the night before. Another of the servants had come with her to see what had happened. She’d run off when the thing that the princess had apparently summoned had tried to talk to her in some unknown dialect.

She still couldn’t believe it. Even the princess couldn’t have been that powerful as to summon something that had never existed before, right?

“Excuse me,” she heard a voice say, and she squeaked and froze up, afraid to turn around. “Are you one of the servants who attended Twilight Sparkle last night?” Turning around, she nodded slowly, not wanting to offend Prince Blueblood. She’d heard the stories of servants that had ‘talked back’ or ‘gotten in the way’. “That’s good. I’d like you to walk with me for a while. There’s a few things that I want to ask you about...”

~~~

I must have fallen asleep at some point, because I only barely felt Twilight poking me with a hoof under the tree. “Hey,” I said, waving with one hand before leaning against the tree and yawning loudly. “What time is it now?” Looking over her shoulder, I could see it was at least sunset, the beautiful orange colour almost drawing me towards it. I turned to my watch, but then realised something. “Hey, how does time work here?”

“What do you mean?” she asked, tilting her head slightly.

“This watch of mine, I don’t know if it’s accurate at all. There’s no reason at all why time in my world should work like yours, with twenty-four hours in a day...”

She looked at my watch for a minute, then started charging a spell. Instinctively, I flinched back, but I didn’t feel anything as just the hands on my watch began to glow, moving slightly until Twilight let go of her spell, letting them move as they had before. “Sixty seconds, sixty minutes, twenty-four hours,” she replied. “Your watch is now accurate to the second, and it should stay that way. You were about three minutes and twenty-two point five seconds fast before.”

I didn’t have a response to Twilight’s accuracy, or the fact that she’d noticed my watch was fast, so I couldn’t stop her next question. “But how did you get a watch so small as to fit on your arm? That’s an amazing invention. Never having to keep it in a pocket, or pull it out... I don’t need a watch myself after learning a time-keeping spell, but for other ponies, that’d be amazing. Are you some kind of clockmaker back in your world?”

“Nothing so interesting,” I replied. “Wristwatches are pretty common where I’m from. Hell, this one wasn’t even that expensive.” The time, as I checked it, was about twenty minutes past six, I assumed PM. “Did I really stay out that long?” I wondered out loud.

“It’s nearly sunset. You’d better get back inside before someone notices you’re gone. I can...”

“Don’t, Twilight. I can find my way out without going through torture.”

“...I was going to offer to lead you out. I hadn’t forgotten what magic does to you.” She looked away from me, frowning, and I felt myself blushing. And now I look like an insensitive douchebag to the only pony who I can actually talk to. I started to apologise, but she held up a hoof and shook her head. “I memorised the maze’s path years ago. Follow me.”

As we set off through the maze, I began, “Oh, I met somebody else in the maze before...”

“Discord?” Twilight said. “He asked me a lot about you. There wasn’t much I could tell him, though. He shouldn’t bother you too much; he’s usually in Ponyville these days. The only pony keeping him from going completely insane and trying to take over Equestria again is there, after all.”

“Sounds like there’s quite a story behind that. But I’m not really interested in the past, for now. I need something to do in the present that’ll keep me busy. I’m my own worst enemy when I get bored.” I started to fidget with the cuff of my jacket, emphasising my point. “Hell, even when I was just wandering around here, I started thinking in circles. But I don’t think I’d really be able to get out into the city without causing some kind of uproar...”

“What kinds of things did you do back in your world?”

“I’m not sure they really have analogues in this world. I know you probably have games of some kind, and it’s possible that you have some kind of drama or theatre, but again, the problem would be getting to them. And...” I’d forgotten what I was going to say next, because my stomach rumbled again. “Heh, guess it’s about that time. Forgot to each lunch, that’d do it.”

“So you actually were asleep all that time?”

“Don’t be so surprised. I can sleep, I just usually don’t sleep all night through. And I still get tired, so sometimes I just fall over in the middle of the day.” I stretched out my arms and yawned. It was a reflex, but it proved my point fine. “And I don’t think many ponies, even if I could communicate, would appreciate me yawning at them. People usually don’t. They think I’m just antisocial.”

“Are you?” Twilight asked, stopping and turning around.

The question took me off guard, and I had to think for a minute. “I tend not to handle myself well when I’m actively talking to other people. Using the term widely, of course.” Twilight nodded, and I continued, “I can handle myself just fine when I’m given time to think about what I’m going to say, though that hasn’t stopped me from writing stupid things too. But stuff like those outbursts I gave you and Celestia happen a lot more often in person.

“I tend to avoid social contact wherever I can, because I know that talking to someone too long will end in me saying something I shouldn’t after long enough. I’ve hurt myself that way too many times to take a chance on it anymore. Family, friends, friends of friends... I don’t have anyone left that I can talk to, without feeling like I’ve blown it, and I can never really connect with them again.

“And that’s not even getting into the people who made fun of me for who I am. In school, I was bullied pretty much constantly, and any attempts I tried at making friends fell apart immediately. I’m not sure how much of it was me overreacting to good-natured ribbing and how much was actually trying to hurt me, but enough of it hurt all the same. Nobody is ever truly antisocial, but after I’ve been hurt too many times, I’m not willing to try again. I guess that puts me further out than most. So yes, I am antisocial, by that definition.”

Twilight didn’t say anything for a little while. When she finally spoke, she seemed almost angry, or at least forceful. “You said you weren’t interested in hearing about my past with Discord. But now, I want to tell you, and I hope you’ll listen.” She barred the path we’d been walking down with her wings, and I sat down against the hedge, mumbling some level of consent.

“It was about a year ago. For the last thousand years, he’d been trapped as a statue in the gardens here. When he broke out, we noticed the changes immediately. At first it was just clouds made of cotton candy that rained chocolate milk, but things quickly started getting completely out of hand. My friends and I... Well, long story short, we were the only ones who could do anything about it.

“Discord split us up, and he did... something to each of us, except me. He lied to us, twisted us, and turned us into mockeries of ourselves. He only left me alone, so I could see all my friends distorted, as though our friendship was for nothing. I actually believed that for a while... but someone was still immune to the chaos. It was Celestia.

“Through her actions, I was able to regain control of myself, and I helped my friends to get themselves back too. We managed to return Discord to his stone imprisonment. It wasn’t until later that Celestia thought of reforming him, which was mostly pretty successful. But that’s another story for another time.

“For now, there’s one lesson that defeated Discord in the end, and that’s what I want to tell you. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard it is to find or maintain, friendship is always worth fighting for. Having tried and failed in the past is no excuse for giving up. Even if it’s only one pony, even if you never actually meet them, and no matter how much you argue or whatever you say, that friendship is worth fighting for. Never forget that.”

The first thing I wanted to say was to call her out for hitting me over the head so hard with it, but I didn’t say that. I don’t know quite how I held myself back from it, but maybe it was that I’d been thinking how to reply for her entire tirade. In the end, what I said was, “I don’t know if I can, anymore. But I guess... Being here, it’ll be good for me. A fresh start...”

Before I could continue my navel-gazing, my stomach rumbled again, followed by Twilight’s. “But now’s not the time for this shit,” I laughed. “Let’s get something to eat.”