To want yet want not

by TheOneAJ

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Sunset Shimmer, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Slice of Life
Length: 3375

After Equestria Grils, and before Rainbow Rocks, there was a broken Sunset Shimmer.

After being blasted by the element of Harmony, Sunset Shimmer is left a wreck as she is left to reflect on her life, and how it came to being all alone with no powers, the only ones who are willing to comfort her are the ones who destroyed her. And while she just wants to be left alone... another part of her feels something that, while she doesn't want, she desperately craves.

Written for the Legend of Equestria, I got the deadline date wrong xp. So, just enjoy as it is, and I'll see for the heck of it if it's good enough for Twilight's Library. Don't worry, the next ch. of Elsa's Snowdrop is coming soon

Published 2014-10-29 22:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-29 22:30:02 UTC

To want

Why does wanting to be alone yet not wanting to be alone have to be such a thing? Why is it that, I can never just want to either be alone, or have some company around me.

I think of this as I sit in my home of an abandoned factory. Once Vice Principal Luna had allowed me to leave for the night after cleaning up the mess I had caused (well, Snips and Snails did as well, but no one gave them any nasty looks).

As I sit alone, I am kept awake by the nasty thoughts the plague my mind, and why those stupid elements of harmony had to ruin my plans. Well… the more I think about, the worse it sounds, but it could have worked.

I would have worked if not for the… magic of friendship… Gah! Why can’t I get that stupid thought out of my head. When have friends ever come through for me, not that I haven’t tried to make friends before.

I use to play with other foals before I became Clestia’s student… Then I would always chase them off whenever I would wipe the floor with them in competitive games of… of… I forget what those stupid games were called, but am I supposed to feel bad when a colt cries when he can’t handle my toss?

It’s how it works, ponies who are better get much further in life than those who don’t. That’s what life at the orphanage had taught me. If you weren’t a foal, the only way you would get adopted was if you were the best possible option for adoption. That was how Celestia found me.

Or rather, that was how I got the chance to enroll in her gifted school, and how my powers earned me her spot as her personal protégé. And there was no pony who got me there but me. It was never about me making friends that got me to where I was, it was always me, and me beating all of those who would have been my friends if it wouldn’t have been either me or them as Celstia’s prized pupil.

So imagine my surprise when she told me one day to try and get along with the other students, and to try to make friends. I laughed at first, but when I realized that she had been serious.

I honestly gave it a chance, I really did, but friendship was never my thing. Hasn’t been even before I got my cutie mark. Those other foals were just far too beneath me to have anything in common. Of course, as I lay in my tattered old bed—probably with more bed bugs in it than I would care to admit—I probably did help my cause when I gloated in their faces when I got higher marks and beat them in any board game they wanted to play.

So, after a week of that, I lied to Celestia about making friends, and would just be hidden in the library whenever I was supposedly ‘hanging out.’ It was where I found several times about dark magic and this world after all.

However, she knew. It shouldn’t have surprised me, but one day she called me out on it, I was completely caught off guard. As she always did, first trying to be funny by asking, how were my friends, what did we do, until I got my cover names and events mixed up.

Maybe if I didn’t react how I did, thing would be different. I actually wanted to cry out about how hard it was to make friends because they didn’t like me, instead, I complained about how hard it was because of how inferior they were.

We got into a very heated debate, regretful words were said, and the next thing I knew, I wasn’t her student anymore. I’ll never forget the last words she says to me after I said all that mattered was power over others, and that’s why she was a princess.

“Until you learn what it means for other’s to truly love you, then you can no longer consider yourself my personal student.”

I never heard another word. Shortly after, I made a run for the mirror. From what I read, the beings of this world had no magic of their own. At the time, I reasoned I could have forced them to love me, and show Celestia that I could make others love me with my magic.

Though, leave it my luck that, once I stepped through the portal, I was turned into one of those pathetic humans with no magic, and the portal sealed behind me once more.

So, I waited, I learned, I studied the goings on in equestrian every full moon when the mirror would at least let me look at my old home, began to rule the school in other ways. Then, when the moment was right, I struck, and failed.

It wasn’t until the crown failed me that I truly understood the power of friendship. Don’t ask how, makes about as much sense as how those humans had defeated me. I take that back, I knew the human element bears might have magic in them, that’s why I worked the hardest to drive them apart.

Still, after seeing what friendship could do, I was left with nothing. No one, no home, no minions… no Flash. Sure, I might have simply been using him to elevate my statue, and prove to Celestia that I could be loved, but that ended well.

So, I lay on my bed, wishing to be left alone, yet, craving for someone to be there.

*Knock, knock, knock

Of all my rotten luck.

“Sunset,” I hear a familiar voice say, “are you in there, darling?”

“We all came over to see if y’all were okay.”

“Yeah! I mean, no one should be alone after you tried to take over the world, and we though, hey, maybe she could use a friend after being such a big—OW!”

“Quite, Pinkie.”

I throw my pillow over my head. The last thing I needed were those five here. Part of me might not have wanted to be alone, but I certainly didn’t want to be with them.

“Um… if it wouldn’t be too much of a problem, would you open the door, Sunset?”

I still have inner turmoil as I get out of bed, but I figure that they won’t leave until I answer the door. Of course, since I have to be me, I open it just as one of them starts to suggest that I don’t live here.

Before I can moan, the pink one attacks me in a suffocating bear hug.

“Oh, we were so worried about you, and we just had to come over and—”

“Can’t…Breath!” I mutter as the other girls pulled Pinkie off of me.

“Sorry about that, Darling,” Rarity says as she offers me a hand.

I instinctively reject it.

We stand silently in that entrance way for what felt like hours, until at last, I ask, “What are you all doing here? Come to rub it in my face about how you defeated me?”

“Actually, Sugarcube,” Applejack says as she twiddles her hat, “we’d, thought we ask you out for some coffee, get you out of your…” I see her eye some of the rusty pipes, “place you got here.”

I snort. “Yeah, well it’s what I got for a home. Wait, how did you even find me?”

Like a bouncy ball, Pinkie leapt over the over girls and stared me right in the face. “Because,” she says as she—in one fluid motion—removes her left sock and shoe and puts the exposed foot right into my face. “I had a pinkie toe wiggles to the left, while my back broke out in pimples, so that meant, a girl who really needed a friend was mopping in an abandoned factory.”

As I struggle to understand how that made sense, when something else that made even less sense crossed my mind. “Wait a minute, are you seriously here… to ask me to hang out with you?”

All except for Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy say yes right away. Rainbow dose so after Applejack slaps her on the back of the head, and I almost didn’t hear Fluttershy say, “Well, if you want to.”

I laugh. “Oh, and I though what I did was cruel humor, but you girls got it nailed down.” Once my laugher begins to die down, I notice that none of the others are laughing, not even Pinkie Pie. “Alright… You can quit with the act.” They don’t say anything. “I mean, why would you five want to have anything to do with me?”

Pinkie blurs out the answer. “Because Princess twilight told use—” Rarity elbowed her, but the damage has already been done.

“Oh, I get it, you’re only here because I’m some sort of charity case.” I begin to close the door. “But you know what? I don’t need friendship, never had, never will.”

I am about to slam the door in their faces, when of all of the, Fluttershy puts her foot in the door. “Wait,” she shirks, pain in her eyes, but her resolve being unmoved. “I know what it’s like to not have anybody want to be your friend, and what it means to not want to be their friend.” I consider pushing her out, and ending it there, but the way she worded her last sentence makes my brain give her a chance.

“I thought that, all I ever needed were my animal friends, and that was all I needed to be happy. I used to get teased a lot for it, and it only made me want to make friends less. Then, when rainbow dash stood up for me one day when a few kids were picking on me, I realized that there was more to life than being alone. Sure, my animals comforted me, but what I really needed, was people. People who, would watch out for me, help me get through the things I couldn’t. And,” she took in a long gulp, “when you broke us up, and I didn’t have any of the girls, I was devastated.”

“So, why would you want me as a friend for all the pain I caused you?” My tone has become lighter, and I loosen my grip on the door.

“She makes a good point.” Rainbow dash’s comment earns her an elbow from Applejack.

“Because…” Applejack ponders as my finger grip the door.

“Because everyone deserves a chance,” Fluttershy quickly answers, “as long they are willing to try. Sure, we might be doing this because Princess Twilight, asked us,” she put a surprising amount of volume in that last part, “but, now that she’s not here, we didn’t have to come.”

I am stunned, lost for words as I look at them, to which they all seem to be silently agreeing with Fluttershy as their arms and legs twirled around.

As they stood in silence, a fierce battle waged inside of me. I shouldn’t have trusted them, for I knew that it would only end in pain. Yet, as I thought about stepping out, I began to wonder, why not? It wasn’t as if I had anything to loss.

“I… suppose I could, just a drink of coffee, right?” The air is squeezed out of me as Pinkie Pie hugs me again.

“Oh, you said yes, you said yes!” My situation is made worse as she bounces up and down.

“Pinkie,” I say through short breaths, “release me, or I will punch you!”

With a chuckle, Pinkie set me down. “Sorry, I just really like making new friends.”

I rub my forehead. “I noticed.”

“Um-hum, right,” Rarity interrupts, “shall we be off then?”

I shrug. “Yeah, sure.”

*****

We arrive at Sugarcube corner with, the less of pleased faces. Fortunately, it’s not that crowded, but there are enough CHS students to give me a nasty glare.

“Don’t mind them, Sugarcube,” Applejack assure as she places a hand on my shoulder, “let’s just try to have a good time, alright?”

I stuff my hands in my pocket. “Yeah, whatever.” I shouldn’t have cared about what these pathetic humans though of me, but I guess once you loss all you power it’s another story.

“Aw, cheer up, Sunny,” Pinkie says as she uses both of her hands to force my frown into a smile.

I narrow my eyes. “Pinkie?”

“Yeah?”

“Release, or you loss the hands.”

“Hey,” Rainbow says as she spins around to glare at me, “don’t talk to her like that!”

“Now, Rainbow,” Fluttershy says as she puts an arm on her shoulder, “we said we’d give her a chance.”

Rainbow snorts through her nose. “I… Yeah, a chance.” She then wraps an arm around Fluttershy as we continue our walk.

I on the other hand, feel the pits of my stomach grow cold and… Gah! Why Am I feeling this way? Hasn’t happened since I… Since I tried to make friends.

“Oh,” Rarity says in a hushed voice, “don’t mind that ruffian. She’s just, the most upset,. She is trying to be your friend, just like us, it’s just that her and Fluttershy went way back, and—”

“You don’t have to tell me,” I interrupt as we reach the counter, head looking towards the floor as I consider taking my coffee in one gulp just to burn myself to get out of here sooner

*****
For whatever reason, I didn’t take that big slurp. Instead, we made our way over to a table and chatted. Or rather, they sit and talked for the next hour about this and that, and tried their best not to mention the fall formal, but whenever they did, they apologized and I said, ‘none taken,’ while I sipped my coffee. I didn’t really add much since I don’t really want to talk, even if I knew what to say in one of these ‘friend groups.’ Past experience has taught me that I’m usually a mood killer.

After a while, I guess what I should have seen as inevitable happens as one of them tries to get me to talk. “So,” Applejack asks, “you’ve been awfully quiet, Sunny, you got anything to say?”

I… Um,” I stutter as I look away, “nothing that doesn’t involve trying to take over the world.” Comedy ladies and gentlemen, I suck at it.

Of course, leave it to Pinkie Pie to think it was funny as she burst out laughing loudly.

“Well, um,” Rarity intervenes, “perhaps, we should start with, learning more about you. I mean, what is your home like? What did you do for fun and so on?”

I nervously sip on the remaining bit of my coffee. “Oh, it’s not stuff I like to talk about. Personal and so on.”

“Oh,” Rarity says as she slumps into her seat, left hand racing through her hair.

“How about games?” Pinkie asks as she pulls out an already set up game of checkers out of her hair.

My eyes widen, not so much on how that was even possible—my mind got some relief when I realized the checker pieces were magentas on a metal board—but that wasn’t what I was worried about.

“Well…I,” I mumble as an ancient instinct kicks in. “I, used to be pretty good at strategy games, but—”

“Then let’s get to it!” Rainbow says as she pushes Fluttershy out of the way to stare directly at me, and almost intently, I can feel the hate radiate off her.

Scared of what to do, I gasp, ready to respond, when I feel a cold beverage run down my shirt.

“Well, that’s one way to put out a fiery demon,” one of the guys says from school says as his group of friends laugh.

Suddenly, I am reminded of when I was younger, back at the orphanage, the day I got my cutie mark. I was reading a book, when some colts poured some ice-water on me. I got so furious, that I was lost in magical storm that ended up putting some seriously deep burns on them. While everyone worried about those poor colts, no one came to comfort me. They acknowledged my cutie mark, and let me off the hook, but no one tried to see if I was alright.

Now, it was happening all over again. A part of me wanted to put these jerks in the hospital, yet, I knew it wouldn’t change anything. No one would ask if I was okay, and I would…

A blue of colors rush past me as rainbow Dash punches the guy who dumped the soda down my back, and then grabs one of the other guys by the collar, and head-butts him in the skull.

“Now get,” she threatens to the rest of them, who go off running. I guys she took out try to stand up, but all rainbow dose is grab them by the collar and shove them into my face. “Say you’re sorry, now!”

“Sorry, sorry!” they squeal, which makes me grin from ear to ear.

“Now, I know she was a monster before, but that’s no reason to act like her. Now,” she tosses them, “get out.”

The scram, as I am left speechless as rainbow dash simply sits back in her seat as we all stare at her.

“What?”

“What?” Rarity shrieks. What do you mean, what? That was uncalled for!”

“Yeah,” Applejack nods, “I mean, yeah, they probably deserved a good beating, but that didn’t mean you had to.”

I, simply sit there, trying to process what had happened.

Meanwhile, I catch a glance from Fluttershy who right lip is curling into a smile. She then stuns us all as she wraps her arms around Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, Dashie, I knew you cared.”

Awkwardly looking around, she sighs and returns the hug. “Yeah, well… Okay, so I’m not entirely onboard with befriending sunset, but, as long as she wants to be our friend, she comes with the same package deal you all got.” She then goes sheepish as she looks at me. “If, that’s alright with you of course, Sunset.”

“I… I…” the words can’t come clearly out of my mouth. “You.. you would really like to be my friend?”

“Of course we do,” Pinkie says, thinking about hugging me, but hold herself back and only places a hand on mine.

“Really, darling,” Rarity says as she moves in, “we’re friends.”

“Yes sir-e,” Applejack said as she walked over to me, “I believe yah changed, or want to, so that will do it for me.”

Fluttershy walks up to me next, she doesn’t say anything, but doesn’t need to.

We then all stare at Rainbow Dash, who seems hesitant, but eventually sighs and says, “Only because you’re new, will I allow a group hug.”

Before she could resist, Pinkie Pie grabs her by the elbow, and piles us into the most magical moment of my life.

“Alright then,” Rainbow says as she cracks her knuckles and sets back up the board. “So, you still on for that game?”

I consider it, the joy of winning, when I push the board away. “Probably not, I ...don’t take winning well.”

Rainbow huffs, but shrugs and say. “Cool with me, whenever you want to do though.”

I chuckle. “Yeah, when I’m ready for that.”

“Um, darling,” Rarity intervenes.

“Yeah?”

“Perhaps, we should get you a clean pair of cloths.”

“That… that sounds fine, I got a washing machine back at the factory—”

“Phh,” she snarls, “I will have none of that, I am forced to walk out of the cafe. “We’ll get you back to my boutique, and see if we can’t get you some new cloths. Oh! Maybe something that shimmers. Oh, I’m getting my ideas.”

I nervously look to the others. “Are friendships really like…”

“Don’t worry,” Rainbow Dash nods, “we’ll help you out.”

I think to my bed, and how comfortable it would be, yet at the same time how… include, I think that’s the right word, I feel right now. “Yeah, I think I could use some help.”