Bubbles, Bullets, and Bones

by The Slending Angel

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Sad, Other, Derpy Hooves
Length: 1010

The REAL story of Ditzy's Cutie Mark.

Ponies think I am a klutz. They think I'm silly. They think they know me...

They're wrong.

Published 2014-11-08 00:10:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-08 00:10:05 UTC

Bubbles...

It was another ordinary day for me. Send D-108, codenamed, 'Dinky', to school. Grab my Perception Filter Glasses. Run the mail, but not before putting my INSIPID Acid Pistol -lovingly nicknamed, 'The Bubble Buster'- into the bottom of the bag, below the newspapers. Grab a bit of lunch. Then send the Eldritch Abomination back to the Hell it came from, and after that wipe the memory of the townsfolk. Finish my route, then pick up D-108 from the school. Grab a lemonberry muffin, and then go home.

Just another ordinary day in the life of Sergeant Blitzer Scattershot of the Lunar Guard, Boom-Doom Division.

Twenty years ago, if you had told me that I would be the head of the Lunar Guard, I would have laughed in your face. Back then, life was fairly simple. Keep my head down, my voice quiet, and hope nopony noticed me. Which, of course, didn't work, no matter how many times the teachers said it would. They would say that if I was nice to them, everything would turn out perfect, and we could all be friends. Now, all of you that were nerds, geeks, and scrawny types back in the day, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you are quiet, they don't leave you alone. They just hunt you down. They're wolves like that. Singling out the weakest prey...

Yeah, my life was the dumps back then. On the streets of Canterlot, you had to do whatever you could to survive, be you a noble, or an orphan living from the trashcans. If you haven't guessed already, I was in the latter category. I didn't have many worries, but those I did have were pretty important. Such as, "When is my next meal going to be?" Yeah, life as an orphan isn't just sitting around playing with toys as it's made out to be. It's living with evil people, drunk people, and people who are innocent, but don't stay that way for long. But, it wasn't Hell-on-Gaia, either. Yeah, it was hard, but we had liberties nobody else did. Can you honestly say that you have sat on top of the Ponysler Building? Or dug a cave that still exists to this day? No, I don't think you can. The security was tight then and I barely got through, so I doubt you did. And who has the time to build a cave?

Anyway, back to my story. Back then, when Luna wasn't actually escaped from the moon yet, Celestia set up a program in every school; The Tournament. I honestly think she got the basic idea from the Hunger Games, but, I digress. Anyway, all the schools in the entire country would get together in an unknown location to fight, and then, once there was no remaining schools, or, 'Factions', that Faction would split in half, and then when the other side was defeated, in half again. And the process repeated itself until there was a winner. Now, I was by no means a competitive pony, nor did I have distinguishing skills or strength. After the first year, which, by the way, we failed miserably, I decided to check out every single book in the Canterlot Archives about the art of war. I then realized that you didn't need strength to win, nor would you win by fighting fair. You won by being the dirtiest fighter and pulling the most underhoofed tricks. By spending every second of my free time learning and studying, I decided my strategy on how to win. I would quit my Faction (Which was mostly unheard of, because of the thrice damned to the ninth Hell 'Herd Mentality' shit. Bleh.) and hide. Stay there, until there was only one left standing. When he thought he had eliminated the last contestant, I came up from behind him shot him point-blank through the back of the skull, whereas he promptly vanished. Now, this was a sport, so no killing actually took place. When a person got a fatal wound, they would just get teleported to the Spectators Room to watch. And I won. Using the dirtiest tactic I could come up with, I didn't destroy the competition; the competition destroyed itself. You are probably asking, "How does this turn into you being a soldier?" I was getting to that, but since you just want to be really fucking impatient, I guess I could tell you.

The year I won was also the year Princess Luna escaped banishment. Somehow, she showed up right before the game started, which meant she saw me. Watching, waiting, and eventually winning. As I received my prize, guess who showed up to the party? She interrupted the entire ceremony, and told me flat-out she wanted me to join her Guard. I was promised lodging, a job, and, more importantly, FOOD. So, of course I accepted, not knowing what horrors would await me... Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself. I still need to tell you about Basic Training... Ugh. As anyone with ANY military training whatsoever can and will tell you, Basic Training is the single most brutal thing that can be thrust upon the mortal coil. As everybody thinks before entering Basic Training, I thought, 'This won't be so bad...' Ya know, if I really think hard and look back on it, that was the stupidest thought that has ever had the grace of floating through my skull. Now, I'm not going to gloss over details. It was hard, brutal, and usually downright terrifying. Our idea of a day off was having to run 250 laps instead of 500. It wasn't fun. It wasn't pretty. It was bloody, visceral, and preparing us for the ultimate game of chess; War. Ya wanna know why? War isn't just shooting the bad guys. War is killing, slaughtering, and destroying sentient people, with families, homes, and lives, waiting for eternity for them to come back. But, wanna know a secret?

They don't come back.

Author's Note

I hold no rights to music.