Welcome to Pony Vale

Chapters

2. The Outsider
3. The Golden Ticket
4. Applebuck Season
5. Birds of Prey
6. The Magician
7. The Scientist
8. The Monster
9. Our Town
10. New Management
1. Moonlight

2. The Outsider

“Hey, Rarity, did you already draw your number for the picnic?” Lyra asks as her friend unlocks the door and beckons Lyra inside. Outside, the sun continues its descent.

“No,” Rarity says as she clicks the door to her house shut and the scientific equations designed to protect the house hum back to life. “I’m one of the… lucky few who doesn’t have to participate.”

Lyra shakes her head and smiles. “Right, I forgot your family has a pass for… how long do you have left?”

“Forty-seven years,” Rarity says as they start climbing the stairs leading to the broadcast room. “Sweetie Belle could very well have grandfoals before we have to go to the picnic.” Rarity raises an eyebrow at her friend, “I take it you weren’t this years winner?”

“Nope!” Lyra says, beaming at her friend as they reach the top of the stairs. As long as Bonnie doesn’t win, we’re in the clear for another year… Hey, Rarity, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course,” Rarity says as she takes a seat behind her broadcasting desk. “What’s on your mind?”

“Well, pretty much everypony’s at the picnic, right, so why are we doing this show? It feels kind of pointless.”

Rarity laughs and shakes her head. “Because we have to be consistent, darling. We can’t just cancel the news because everypony’s at a picnic. Besides, if something major happens, we need to be here to broadcast it. You were at the picnic, right?”

Lyra nods as she starts fiddling with the control board.

“And how many ponies had their radios with them?”

“A lot,” Lyra says, turning her attention from the control board to Rarity. “Plus… there are a lot of unicorns there who can pick up the broadcast, themselves.”

“And there it is, dear. If the mysterious fog starts moving in from the Everfree, we need to be here to warn the ponies at the picnic,” Rarity says, glancing at the scrying orb that sits next to her microphone. In response, it flashes images from the town’s perimeter.

“I guess that makes sense,” Lyra says, scratching idly at her cheek. “Are you ready?”

“Of course, dear,” Rarity says as the on-air light flashes on. “As the summer sun beats down on our sleepy town hosting its annual picnic, scientists tell us that somewhere, someplace, windigos are howling. Welcome to Pony Vale.”

***

A friendly reminder: Even though the nightly curfew has been lifted, the town council still advises taking the utmost precautions when planning a nightly excursion. Remember to bring your rock-salt shotgun and cyanide capsule with you when going out after sundown. The single night howler still hiding out in town has been giving the weather team no end of trouble as they seek to apprehend it. Our sympathies go out to the family members of the weather squad that was torn apart in the attempt to remove the monster.

Also, Rainbow Dash is paying handsomely for anypony who brings in a scrap of a slain weather team member. Now, the bounty only applies if the body part can be verified as coming from a member of the weather team, so no grave robbing. Digging through the graveyard in the middle of the night isn’t just dangerous, it’s disrespectful, and beneath the dignity of our wonderful little town.

The town council is encouraging anypony attending today’s picnic to join the scavenger hunt in Jubilee Park. The family who finds the most equine remains gets a special prize. Remember, foals are wonderful for reaching into those tiny places you can’t get at and searching areas you’d never even think of looking through. This years scavenger hunt is fun for the whole family.

Now, speaking of the picnic, I’ve been hearing complaints from ponies about this town’s annual lottery. While I can understand the pain of losing a family member who won the lottery and the fear of winning the lottery yourself, I have to remind ponies that the lottery is absolutely necessary for the survival of our town. Without the annual blood sacrifice, the equations warding our town from evil will fail and all the horrors of the Everfree can come pouring through. The last time those equations failed, the night howlers found their way into town, and who knows how many ponies were ripped apart by their many toothy mouths?

Pony Vale needs the lottery just as surely as our town needs the weather team or the strange hooded figures occasionally seen leaving, but never returning to, Sugarcube Corner. Without these institutions, our town just isn’t Pony Vale. Ponyville doesn’t have a town lottery, and we don’t want to be like Ponyville, do we, dears?

[A warning klaxon blares in the background]

Listeners, something just crossed the border into town. I’m getting an image of it now, and it… no, she is the most perfect thing I have ever seen. Her coat is a delightful shade of lavender, her purple mane is… Listeners, there are no words to describe how stunning it is, and her nose is…

[Rarity gives a girlish squeal of delight]

Oh, listeners, it is just so cute, I really wish you could see her, The only word I can use to describe her is simply: perfect. That’s what she is listeners, and… Get it together, Rarity, the horrors of the Everfree can take many appealing shapes to entice and deceive us, and we cannot allow ourselves to fall prey to their… admittedly alluring forms. Button Mash is still babbling about extra dimensions and strange colors after playing that game he found on the border of the Everfree.

The… thing that could be but isn’t necessarily a beautiful perfect unicorn is wandering into town, a frown and look of confusion playing out on her wonderfully expressive face, and… Oh! Just as I said that, she started tapping a hoof against her head violently and muttering something I can’t hear. I’m just now seeing this, but following a few paces behind her is a small purple lizard thing with green spines. It is… less cute, but still rather charming.

She is… mouthing something, and I’m turning the audio of my scrying orb on to hear just what she’s saying. Let’s see, she’s saying: “Who keeps talking? The town seems empty, but somepony is…” Her ears are perking up. “How do they know what I’m saying?”

Oh listeners, that’s just delightful, she can hear me. Do you know what that means? It means she really is a unicorn. If she wasn’t, her illusory horn couldn’t pick up this station’s broadcasts. Hello, dear, let me be the first to welcome you to our sleepy little town. Please, enjoy your visit, and I hope you’ll be staying long enough for me to give you a proper greeting.

“Can you please talk about something that isn’t me?” she asks, frowning and rubbing her forehead. How inconsiderate of me, I should have realized how uncomfortable hearing a voice in my head describing my every action would make me.

As fortune would have it, I have an announcement on my desk about the strange winged unicorns – Not alicorns, of course, alicorns don’t exist – first seen on the day that never happened… No, not that one, dear.... No… not that one either… I’m talking about the day we just pretend never happened. Yes, that one. Well, the… winged unicorns have been seen just… hanging around Fluttershy’s cottage. When the weather ponies tried to bring her in to discuss the weather, they were repelled by a wall of kinetic energy created by the winged unicorns, who proclaimed in unison, “This is a safe place, blessed by light, and those who harbor darkness shall come no further.” Well, it sounds like if you plan on going by Miss Fluttershy’s in the near future, be sure not to harbor any darkness, whatever that means. I, for one, will be having her do the visiting until this whole winged unicorn thing blows over.

In response to the winged unicorns perceived act of aggression, the town council issued a statement reading that, “The abominations presence here is an affront to our sovereignty. Unless they turn themselves over to the powers that be, their existence here shall herald the unravelling of all things.” As usual, this statement was issued through forty-foot high letters emblazoned in the sky in a language that blinds all who comprehend it. More on this story as it develops.

Listeners, more on the outsider who is currently wandering through our town. To the unknown yet seemingly perfect outsider, I apologize in advance for describing your actions for the benefit of our listeners. The outsider, with her stunning mane and coat, has been seen wandering through the town’s streets, muttering to her unidentified companion that everything is the same but not, followed by musings that she died in the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters.

It sounds to me like she’s another victim of the crown’s cruelty, so if she came to Pony Vale seeking asylum in either this life or the next, I say we welcome her with open hooves. All who have been lost in the dark are welcome in Pony Vale.

Lyra is passing me a missive direct from the town council: To everypony enjoying or discussing the town picnic, you are prohibited from discussing the central event of the picnic as long as the outsider roams our town’s streets. We cannot risk our secrets being gleaned by one in the employ of the dragons that control the world. They certainly cannot learn of the secret lab located miles below our town.

Listeners, I don’t believe I was meant to read that last bit on air, raising the question of why the town council would include it in the announcement they meant for me to read on air… Unless, I suppose it’s conceivable that they want the outsider to learn about the secret lab beneath our town, for reasons I can’t even begin to guess at. All I know is that I fulfilled my job to the letter, and cannot be charged with misconduct or disseminating information for the benefit of the Enemy.

Back to the outsider, she has moved to a point on the outside of town and ignited her hor– Listeners, the outsider’s horn isn’t runed. I repeat, we have an unruned unicorn loose on the streets of Pony Vale.

[The warning klaxon wails in the background]

This is a Class-A emergency. Everypony is to report back to their houses as soon as possible. If you haven’t drawn… If you haven’t participated in the thing we shouldn’t talk about, please do so with all due haste. This year’s picnic is officially cancelled. To the unruned unicorn, the weather team is currently coming to pick you up for an emergency runing. As soon as the etching process is complete, you will be free to roam the streets of Pony Vale as you see fit. Until then, please stay put.

[The warning klaxon fades away]

No, outsider, you’re supposed to stay where you are. While I understand your enthusiasm to get your horn runed, we can’t risk you running through town in your current state. I promise the situation will be resolved as quickly as possible, just… Listeners, she’s outside my door, she’s… she’s using her horn to blast through the bloodstone, and… it’s working. The door is melting. The amount of mag– The amount of energy required for that to be possible is staggering. Listeners, I have to go. Until I return – assuming that I do return – the weather.

***

The sound of Rarity’s voice is replaced with light jazz as she gets on her hooves.

“Lyra, stay in your booth and make sure the weather keeps playing until I return, I’m going to…” Rarity pauses to swallow her fear. “I’m going to talk with the outsider… If I don’t return, I trust you can continue these broadcasts without me.”

“O– Of course,” Lyra says, giving her best smile while fighting back tears. “I mean, I have the hard job, you just have to sit and talk.”

Rarity returns her friends smile. “That’s what I hoped to hear, just remember, don’t cry on the radio, whatever else you do, don’t do that. It attracts the sorrow spiders.”

Lyra nods as Rarity turns to head downstairs. She takes a deep breath to calm her nerves as she reaches the top of the stairs. Everything’s going to be fine, she tells herself as she heads downstairs.

“H– Hello,” Rarity says as she descends the stairs to her living room. “I know you’re probably upset and confused, but… there’s no reason to do something drastic… like blast a hole through my wards.”

The intruder spins around to look at the pony descending the stairs and her eyes go wide. “What!? No, you can’t be… you look just like Rarity. I mean, I know you sounded like her, but I just thought that was a coincidence.”

Rarity laughs nervously. “Well, of course I do, I am Rarity, after all.”

“No… I mean you look like the Rarity from Ponyville, this whole town looks like Ponyville, but it’s all wrong and… What’s going on? Do you have a sheet of paper I can use?”

“I do,” Rarity says, ignoring the reference to Ponyville and trotting over to a nearby bookcase filled with sheets of paper and bookbindings, and floating a loose sheet towards the intruder. “Can I ask what you–”

“Great!” The intruder says, quickly ripping the paper from her host’s telekinetic field, who offered slightly less resistance than a newborn foal, and if the intruder had been in a less frenzied state of mind, she might’ve noticed that weakness. Instead, she just grabbed a nearby quill (without asking) and started to writing her letter.

“So,” Rarity asks, glancing from the hole in her door to the intruder, and hoping the weather team was listening to her broadcast, “what’s your name, dear?”

“Twilight Sparkle,” the unicorn says as she scratches at the paper. “But you’d know that if you were the real Rarity. If you were the real Rarity…” She growls. “Where the hay am I?”

“You’re in Pony Vale, dear. We’re a small town on the edge of the Everfree, and… I’m sorry, but I have to ask, what’s this about there being a real Rarity? I’m fairly certain I’m real, although I admit to having doubts fueled by existential ennui on occasion, and the very idea that Ponyville is somehow more ‘real’ than Pony Vale is insulting. Those charlatans simply co-opted our good name for their own nefarious plots.”

“There,” Twilight says, stabbing the parchment one last time and rolling it up before floating it to the lizard thing on her back. “Spike, send it.”

“Right away,” Spike says as a jet of green flame shoots out of his mouth, quickly devouring the paper. He looks at Rarity. “So,” he says, “how similar are you to the real Rarity?”

“I don’t know,” Rarity says, frowning as glances impatiently at the door. “I’ve never met the mare, and I’m starting to get insulted by the implication that I’m not the real Rarity. Now can I please ask just what you think you’re doing? Right now, just being around you is probably a felony, so–”

“All I did was use my magic,” Twilight snaps, spinning around to glare at Rarity. “I cast one spell and then sirens started blaring and… why could I hear your voice in my head?”

“Because unicorn horns make excellent receivers, especially unruned ones, and I’m guessing nopony taught you how to tune the noise out, although I’m sure we’ll correct that if you spend much more time here.” Rarity gives a sigh of relief as she spots a familiar cyan pegasus flying towards her door. Twilight follows her gaze and ignites her horn, raising a pink wall of energy up to seal the door.

“Sorry, but staying here isn’t really part of my plan. Any second now, Celestia will get back to me, and I’ll get to go home, I just need to hold… off…” Twilight trails off as she looks at the pegasus crumpled up who just ran face first into her wall. “Rainbow Dash!”

“Yes, otherwise known as the captain of the weather team, otherwise known as the one pony you really don’t want to knock out,” Rarity says, trying to figure out how this situation could be any worse for her or the physically perfect Twilight Sparkle. “Perhaps next you’ll want to burn down town hall or recite the forbidden codex in Jubilee Park, since you seem intent on breaking every single rule in Pony Vale.”

“I don’t even know your town’s stupid rules!” Twilight yells, nostrils flaring. “In your radio broadcast, it’s nothing but ‘don’t do this’ and ‘avoid talking about that,’ and I have no idea what you’re talking about, so maybe you could cut me a little slack and call off the attack dogs.”

The lizard belches out another green flame, and Twilight grabs at the scroll before it fully materialize. She throws the seal to the ground and unfurls it, eyes darting from one side of the paper to another. Rarity watches as the mare deflates before her very eyes and ponders just what to do about the intruder.

She’s certainly quite lovely, Rarity thinks, the gears turning in her head. But that doesn’t change the fact that she’s unruned and a danger to the town. Why, if she casts the wrong spell, the entire town could blow up, or she could be possessed by a rogue spirit, and then we’d have another one of those terrible rampages that just ruins the whole day.

Rarity taps her hoof on the ground. And then there’s the issue of me being seen as aiding and abetting a fugitive by the town council. If that happens… well, Sweetie already lost her mother, and… I don’t want to put her through losing another family member. Not if I can help it Rarity smiles at Twilight, too busy staring at her letter to notice, and heads to the stairs leading to her basement.

Let’s see, apparently my radio broadcasts are almost debilitating for her, which would mean… Her eyes light up as she recognizes a jagged metal cylinder in her weapons cabinet and floats it towards her. Oh, I knew my fifth grade science project would come in handy again. Lovely to see you again, dear, how have the years treated you? She aims the device in front of her as she heads upstairs and tries to keep herself from sobbing.

Upstairs, Twilight is still staring down at the letter, now resting on the ground, mumbling to herself, while Spike stands next to her. He didn’t need to see what was about to happen next. “This… this can’t… I’m here, I couldn’t,” she says.

Rarity clears her throat. “Twilight, dear, could you please send Spike upstairs while we have a… talk?”

Twilight lifts her head up and looks from Spike to the device floating in front of Rarity before nodding her head. “Yeah… Spike, go upstairs… is there anyplace he should wait?”

“Yes, the second door on the right, there’s a lovely unicorn there who I’m sure will delight in having some company while the weather plays.” Rarity smiles at him. “I promise your friend will be back with you before you know it… Until then, let’s say we’re having a sleepover. Won’t that be fun?”

He looks from the stairs to Twilight, “But… what’s going–”

“Spike! Upstairs! Now!” Twilight yells before giving a nervous laugh. “I mean, just… stay with Rarity until I come to get you, and I will come to get you.” Before he can say anything in response, a purple light surrounds Twilight’s horn and he floats up the stairs.

“So,” Twilight says, turning to look back at Rarity. “What’s the plan?”

“I pull the trigger, you pass out, and when you wake up, everything will be fine.”

“You mean I wake up with those marks on my horn,” Twilight says, pointing a hoof at Rarity’s horn.

“For your own safety,” Rarity says, giving the outsider a forced smile. “The last unruned unicorn who came to town went insane and summoned an ancient evil that almost strangled the entire town. We’d prefer not to have a repeat of that incident.”

“You know I could take that from you in a second, right?” Twilight asks, bracing herself.

Rarity nods. “I do, but I can pull the trigger in half a second.”

Twilight nods and ignites her horn as Rarity pulls the trigger. Twilight’s mouth drops open and her entire body spasms before she drops to the floor, limbs still twitching

“I’m really just… very sorry about this, Twilight Sparkle, and I promise I’ll make it up to you,” Rarity says, tears stinging her eyes as two ponies from the weather team come in to take the unconscious unicorn away, while two others tend to their captain.

***

Well, listeners, I have wonderful news, the unruned unicorn is being taken to a secure undisclosed location for the engraving process. Normally, her reckless use of magic would be met with indefinite detention, but I’d like to make an appeal to the powers that be: Twilight Sparkle, the outsider, is new here, and she’s not familiar with our customs. I beseech you to release her after she’s made safe. Let me have a few weeks to teach her the rules of Pony Vale, and if… if she makes a mistake again… well, we have to give her a chance to at least understand our ways before punishing her

[There is a pause as the faint sound of a pony sniffling can be heard, before Rarity’s voice returns, filled with its usual cheer]

If Pony Vale is to thrive in these modern times, we have to learn to, at least, tolerate outsiders and their strange customs. Obviously, our rules still have to be enforced, but we can also show understanding to newcomers. I have no doubt that Pony Vale is the greatest town in Equestria, and if we give outsiders a chance to understand our customs, I’m sure they’ll agree with us.

Stay tuned for the sound of a unicorn undergoing the worst torment imaginable. Good night, Pony Vale. Good night.

Author's Note

I kind of like the dissonance that's developing between the radio broadcasts and the other scenes. When Rarity's on the radio or out in public, she's in character, but then we get these moments where her back's against the wall and her cheery facade drops. Anyways, I'll see you next week.

3. The Golden Ticket

To whoever sent this letter,

While I’ve always enjoyed a good prank, there is a line that should not be crossed, and impersonating one of my students and making me question their health is on the far side of that line, and also, quite frankly, baffling, as the real Twilight Sparkle has been safe in Ponyville for the past two weeks, and has been sending me regular reports.

If this isn’t a prank, and I have a hard time believing that, then you should know I can’t dispatch a rescue team to Pony Vale because I have no record of it existing on any map. If you wish to continue this correspondence, then please respond with some verification that your claims are true.

Princess Celestia

Rarity rereads the letter for the fifth time this hour. Since finding it, she’s kept it locked safely in her room, in the place she reserved solely for hiding incriminating letters and other forbidden things. Every citizen of Pony Vale has a spot they use to hide forbidden items, like straws, paper weights, and oranges.

She tilts her head. Her gut tells her to burn the letter and pretend it never existed, but every time she tries, she can’t find the strength in her to ignite the paper. Of course she can’t, it’s not hers to burn. Rarity sighs as she comes up with a reasonable compromise and trots into the guest bedroom where Spike is sleeping at the foot of the bed.

“Spike,” she calls, causing the dragon to give a startled snort of flame that singes her guest comforter. Rarity makes a note to order a new comforter from… whoever it is that makes quilts. “You care for Twilight, don’t you?”

He nods, his eyes are still puffy from his sobbing the night before. “She… you promised me she’s safe.”

“And she is,” Rarity said, taking a seat next to him. “I’m sure she’ll be back any moment now and everything will be fine, but… on the off chance that doesn’t come to pass, you should probably send a response to… the pony who sent this letter.”

“You mean Princess Celestia?” Spike asks, moving to sit up.

“Absolutely not!” Rarity says, following it up with a nervous laugh. “Princess Celestia… doesn’t exist, she’s just a figurehead created by the secret dragon cabal that actually controls the world. I’m sure there’s a pony who claims to be Princess Celestia, but there’s no immortal goddess who raises the sun every day.”

Spike rubs his head in frustration. “Okay, you know I’m a dragon, right?”

Rarity laughs and pats him on his scaly head. “Spike, don’t be so ridiculous. Dragons are terrifying monsters cloaked in flame and shadow that live under Equestria, and are strictly forbidden in Pony Vale. Why… if you were a dragon, the town would attempt to ritually dismember you. So, are you a dragon?”

There’s a long pause as Spike processes her statement. “...No?”

She smiles at him. “Of course you aren’t, you’re just a… big lizard, right?”

“Uhmm… sure, I guess? Yeah, of course, I’m just a big lizard… that talks… and breathes fire,” he says, trying and failing to contain his sarcasm.

Rarity’s smile grows. “Wonderful to hear that. I’m sure whatever type of giant lizard you are is a wonderful magnificent species that isn’t at all similar to dragons… And speaking of dangerous things to say around town, you shouldn’t talk about the–”

A knock from downstairs interrupts her. “I should go see who that is,” Rarity says, getting up on her hooves. “You should probably stay up here and write your letter to… Well, you should let her know what’s happened and give her some proof that this Twilight is her Twilight… assuming this Twilight isn’t the double, of course.”

“Got it,” Spike says as Rarity floats a quill and parchment to him and trots downstairs to answer the door.

“Hello,” Rarity says as she opens the door to find Rainbow Dash and Twilight standing on the other side. Twilight’s eyes are unfocused as she stares vacantly at the spot where the door used to be, marks now engraved along the length of her horn, a leash runs from her neck to Rainbow Dash’s mouth. Dash spits it out and stomps on it with her hoof.

“Hey, so… I guess the weather team owes you a solid for capturing her, and the town council figures that as long as you’re willing to keep an eye on her, we can release her into your custody. It might take a few hours for her to get her brain back on; we had to give her just a bit of rehab. Should be fine, though,” Rainbow Dash says as Rarity grabs the leash with her horn’s energy and pulls it towards her.

“You–” she grinds her teeth and stops herself before she informs Rainbow Dash just how barbaric her treatment of the unicorn is. Insulting a member of the weather team is on the short list of things you should never do in Pony Vale. “Thank you for returning her. She will get better, right?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Probably. If I had my way, we would have completely re-educated her, but the council said they wanted her original personality as intact as possible. They also said that if she messes up again, the both of you are going to our re-ed camp.”

Rarity nods and gives the pegasus a curt nod. “Duly noted. Now, I need to make sure she’s alright after your… necessary treatment of her. Come on, Twilight, let’s see if some coffee can’t get you to feeling like your old self.” Twilight continues to stare ahead, unresponsive until Rarity gives a tug on her leash. As Twilight steps through the house’s threshold, the recently repaired bloodstone door swishes shut.

***

Three cups of coffee later, and a spark flickers to life in Twilight’s eyes. “Ugh… my head feels like… I don’t know, somepony built a giant dam in it.” She looks around the room, a frown creasing her face. “How did I get here?”

“Your headache is courtesy of the Pony Vale weather team, and they were also responsible for bringing you back here.” Rarity flips through her news for the day and smiles at Twilight. “I do hope their treatment of you wasn’t too barbaric, I feel… just terrible for having to turn you over to those brutes.”

“Don’t be,” Twilight says, shaking her head. “It’s strange, I know I should be mad at you for shooting me with that… what was that, anyways?”

Rarity smiles at Twilight, trying to mask her discomfort as she recalls Rainbow Dash’s comments about re-education. “I call it the sonic rifle. It functions on the same core principle as the radio transmitter at the top of my house, but instead of broadcasting a weaker signal over a very large area, the sonic rifle delivers a very strong pulse in a localized area.”

“Really?” Twilight asks, curiosity supplanting the nausea in her stomach. “Radio transmitters are just science-fiction in the rest of Equestria, to think, your town has a genius capable of designing a working model and somehow managed to keep it a secret from the rest of the world. Do you think I could speak with the designer?”

Rarity laughs. “You’re speaking with her now, and I wouldn’t call myself a genius; I just had a dream and pursued it, and if unicorn horns didn’t make such an excellent conductor, I’d probably still be tinkering in my basement. Instead, my voice is broadcast all throughout Pony Vale.”

“That’s incredible, you’re so much like the real Rarity,” Twilight is interrupted as Rarity clears her throat. “Sorry, you’re so much like the other Rarity in terms of appearance and mannerisms, but there’s an absolutely remarkable variance in your chosen profession and skills. I wonder how all this works? Pony Vale is so like Ponyville, but also so completely different. To think there isn’t some force prompting these similarities is unfathomable.”

“Well, dear, I can’t help you with that, and I’m afraid I simply must be getting to my broadcast booth. The news waits for nopony, after all,” Rarity says, and as if on cue, the front door opens and Lyra trots in. “And my assistant is on time as usual. I promise we’ll talk more after the broadcast.”

“Actually, do you… do you think I could listen in? Maybe sit in the same booth as you, and see how the whole thing works?” Twilight says as Rarity gets to her hooves.

“Well, I suppose it couldn’t hurt,” Rarity says, after tilting her head in thought. “Just… try not to be disruptive. If you’re going to be in the broadcast room, it’s absolutely vital you stay quiet unless you have something you wish to contribute, and even then, you should wait for lulls while I’m talking. Two ponies talking simultaneously does not make for a very pleasant listening experience for our audience.”

“Got it,” Twilight says as she follows Rarity upstairs. “Anything else I should know?”

“Yes,” Rarity says as they reach the top of the stairs and open the door to the broadcast room. “As long as you’re here, you’ll be staying in the room opposite mine. Spike has already made himself at home.”

“Ooh! I should really let him know I’m alright,” Twilight says as Rarity enters the broadcast room. “Do I have time to let him know I’m here?”

“Of course,” Rarity says as she takes her seat while Lyra adjusts several controls in the opposite room. “We’ll start broadcasting in a minute, and if you’re not back in the room by then, you’ll have to wait until the weather to come inside.”

“Got it,” Twilight says as she trots to Spike’s room. “I’ll be back in a few seconds.”

“You’re sure about this?” Lyra asks from her booth. “I thought you hated the idea of having a co-host.”

“And I do,” Rarity says after taking a sip of her tea. “Banter is the bane of good broadcast journalism. Why, if I wanted to listen to two ponies joke with each other, I’d go to Berry’s Bar.”

“Uhmm… didn’t you pretty much write the book on broadcast journalism?” Lyra asks, smiling at Rarity while Rarity flips through the day’s news bulletins.

“Oh, shush,” Rarity says, returning her friend’s smile. “Don’t worry, Lyra, if I ever wanted a co-host for my show, I’d pick you in a heartbeat. Allowing Twilight to sit in today is simply my way of apologizing for being forced to shoot her with the sonic rifle.”

“Hey, it’s her fault for coming to town without runing her horn first. That’s just asking for trouble,” Lyra says over the control room’s broadcast system.

“Well, it’s not like she knew, the poor dear just wandered into town from the Everfree Forest and–” Rarity stops talking as Twilight trots into the broadcast room and takes a seat next to Rarity.

“Alright, I’m ready,” Twilight says, turning her head to look at Rarity. “So, what do we do now?”

“Well, you stay quiet, and I read the news to our little town,” Rarity says before giving Lyra a nod to start the broadcast. “It is the nature of life to consume and be consumed, and miles below our little town, the Devourer is awakening. Welcome to Pony Vale.”

***

Uhmm… Excuse me.

[A sigh is briefly audible]

Well, listeners, we have a special guest today. Remember the intruder from yesterday? The one who ruined our picnic? The one with the perfect mane and flank? Well she’s going to be staying with me for the foreseeable future and–

I’m sorry, but I really don’t think my mane could be considered perfect. It’s actually really utilitarian, so I guess if that’s what you consider perfect then, maybe the term would work, but it’s not traditionally styled and…

For those of you who can’t see what’s happening, I’ve just used my scrying pool to show Twilight – that’s the unicorn from yesterday – an image of herself and–

What the hay happened to my mane! It’s all wrong and… how did I not notice this earlier… It… How? Why?

Deep breaths, Twilight, your mane looks absolutely wonderful, and I really don’t see why you’re so upset. However, if you’re going to keep complaining about your mane and delaying the news, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave, dear.

Right, I’m sorry, it’s just… why did my mane change? When did it change?

[Rarity clears her throat]

Sorry, sorry… I was actually curious about something though. Is it okay if I–

Interrupt the program? I believe we can manage. What’s your question, dear?

Well, it’s just… what were you talking about earlier? You know, the stuff about the Devourer awakening?

That? It was just today’s little intro. You know, like “good morning” or “we hope you slept well” or any great number of friendly introductions. You know, just something I thought up while writing out today’s broadcast.

But it’s not friendly. It’s ominous and just asking for some sort of explanation, and… Is there actually a devourer that’s waking up?

Well, I suppose there could be, but I’m afraid I don’t have any hard evidence to support the claim either way. What makes you ask?

[Twilight lets out a growl mixed with a sigh and the sound of a head thunking against wood is heard shortly after]

Nevermind.

Well then, if that’s settled, on to today’s top story: The tiny black hole floating above our town. A precursory investigation by the weather team reveals the hole to appear the same from above as below. However, when viewed from the side, the hole completely disappears. When a member of the weather team attempted to touch the rift, their body burned to ash that rained down on our town. Our condolences go out to the family of the deceased and those ponies that were coated in his or her remains.

On a brighter note, sitting under the hole is proving to be quite popular with ponies looking to take shelter from the tyranny of the sun, so if you’re looking to beat the summer in style, feel free to grab a delicious iced beverage, pull out a folding chair, and take a seat under Pony Vale’s very own rift in reality. Remember, space is limited and it’s strictly first come, first served.

That’s horrifying! How can you be so cavalier about somepony dying? Your town clearly has a dangerous… object, and you’re just… sitting underneath it.

Well, what are we supposed to do? Not enjoy the shade our little rift in reality provides? Our town has been given a gift, and it would be absolutely wasteful if we didn’t use it to it’s full potential, and I resent the implication that my reaction to a weather pony’s death is “cavalier.” Obviously, his or her death is a tragedy of the highest order, and my sympathies go out to those who knew and loved him or her. However, if we just drop everything we’re doing because somepony died in a tragic and gruesome manner, then this town will never get anything done.

Gah! That’s the problem. Yesterday, you made a game of looking for the dismembered remains of ponies in Jubilee Park, and now you’re sitting under a rift in reality that killed somepony. Also, your town has a rift in reality above it, and are you even investigating it?

Of course we are! Why, just today, we sent a member of the weather team to investigate the rift and discovered it’s highly lethal, and I’m sure our town’s scientists won’t rest until they discover every property the rift in the world possesses. Our town has always been very scientifically minded; we were the first town to disprove the existence of magic.

But… magic does–

[Twilight emits a gargled cry]

Twilight, listen to me very carefully. There is no such thing as magic. Claiming otherwise is a clear sign of mental illness and leads to a lovely visit to one of our towns many… rehabilitation clinics, do you understand?

[There are several seconds of dead air]

And does magic actually exist?

No...

Wonderful to hear. While our rehabilitation clinics are top of the line, I’d hate for you to be sent there just because you made a joke that was in particularly bad taste.

[Twilight just growls in irritation]

Ooh! Listeners, this is exciting. Applejack, you know, the farmer found a golden ticket on the edge of the Everfree. She described the ticket as an engraved invitation to the annual Apple Expo, a convention for Equestria’s premier apple growers, a highly exclusive event, and one she didn’t even know existed until she saw the ticket. Of course, like any good citizen of Pony Vale, she’s not picking up the ticket until our team of experts can make sure that this isn’t just another ploy by the horrors that lurk in the Everfree to drive our town to ruin. We’d like to commend Applejack for being such a good citizen and working to keep our town safe.

Now, a message from our sponsors: You are alone. Utterly and completely alone, trapped in a prison of skin. You were born alone. You live alone, futilely seeking some companionship, some confirmation that this nagging sense of isolation and ennui that has hounded you for as long as you can remember isn’t just isolated to you, that your suffering is a shared experience. You seek community, but in your heart of hearts, you know you’re alone, you will live alone, and you will die alone, finally finding the solace in oblivion that was denied you in life. This message was brought to you by Apple Family Cider. Drink up.

What the hay was that?!

An advertisement, they’re things where sponsors pay money for you to advertise their product or–

I know what an advertisement is, I’m not a foal. What I can’t understand is why anypony would pay you money to read that on air. That doesn’t make me want to buy their product, it just makes me feel sad and depressed.

Twilight, dear, do you perhaps feel as if you need a drink?

Actually, yeah, that kind of sounds like… Oh no.

See, it’s a wonderfully effective advertisement, maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to judge.

I still think there are better things to associate your product with than isolation and ennui.

Tis not my place to judge, Twilight, merely to read.

A low persistent wailing has been heard coming from the scrublands over the last few days, with some residents describing it as “hauntingly beautiful,” and others saying “Oh please make it stop, take it away, the howling, it’s always there, always whispering in my ears. Whispering secrets it should not know. Whispering secrets I should not know. Whispering, burrowing, slowly devouring me. Please. Please make it stop. Please. I can’t go on much longer.”

That’s horrible! I–

I know, for years, we’ve all endured the banshee wails of the night howlers with nary a complaint, but now we’re having citizens complain about a low persistent wailing after just a few days? For shame, citizens, for shame. Our town is stronger than this. Certainly, if we can endure the smoke demon that visits us at night and shows us the reality between reality, we can handle a low persistent wailing. We are made of sterner stuff, aren’t we Pony Vale? If you can’t handle a wailing voice whispering in your ear for every waking moment, just invest in a pair of ear plugs. Or, for our more affluent citizens, see if Doctor Flatline won’t just take your ears from you and…

[Rarity sighs]

Yes. Twilight? Oh, and thank you for raising your hoof.

I’m really sorry, but uhmm… what was that about a smoke demon visiting us at night? Is that… a regular thing or...

Oh, listeners, you should really see her right now, There’s this cute little look of trepidation on her face, and her beautiful symmetrical lips have the faintest quiver to them. Our town’s newest resident is absolutely adorable.

You know I’m right here, right? Also, how can you go from giving me a glare one second and talking about how adorable I am the next?

I’m sorry, Twilight, I suppose I’m just a touch protective of the show and get rather… snippy if I think anything is jeopardizing its quality.

It’s true, I brought a soda into the control booth once and she chased me around with a bit of wood for an hour.

Thank you, Lyra. Anyways, I have an exciting development on the golden ticket story. The team dispatched to investigate the ticket are reporting wildly different findings. One pony reports seeing it as–

What about the smoke demon?

Oh, it’s harmless, and hardly ever drives a pony insane. Anyways, one pony describes the ticket as an invitation to attend his wedding, another sees it as an invitation to tour a chocolate factory, and yet another sees a one way ticket out of town on a train line that doesn’t exist. I am trying to use my scrying orb to get a better view of the ticket, but am unable to as the three ponies have started fighting for possession of the golden ticket. Applejack, you know, the farmer, is also entering the melee, and… yes, she has grabbed the ticket with her mouth and is now carrying it into the heart of town.

Sounds like a want-it need-it sp– Hey, Rarity, since spells and magic don’t exist, what do you call something that simpler less-advanced ponies might mistake for a spell.

Well, I suppose an equation could be confused with a spell given the proper circumstances.

Great. Listen, it sounds like the paper has a want-it need-it… equation inscribed on it. Based on the time it took for ponies to become completely enthralled by it, I doubt there’s an active caster currently fueling the… equation, so the only way a pony can be enthralled is by looking directly at it. Unfortunately, it sounds like the… equation gains power the more ponies want the ticket, creating an autocatalytic response. If you see the golden ticket, please don’t look directly at it. I’m going to try and work on a counter-equation.

Thank you for the insight, Twilight, you never told me you were a scientist.

Uh-huh. Do you have a quill and paper?

[Faint sound of papers ruffling in the background]

Thank you… Ugh, this would be so much easier if my horn wasn’t runed. Now I have to calculate my maximum… energy output and factor that into how quickly I can make the equation work.

Well, listeners, you heard Twilight, isn’t she just adorable?

Also, still right here.

Yes, you’re right. I shouldn’t talk about you when you’re around.

Or on the radio. Which I can hear. All the time. Because my horn apparently doubles as a radio transmitter.

Well, we can work on that later. The important thing right now is that–

Work on what? Helping me tune out your radio broadcasts or not talking about how cute I am on air?

Yes. The one… Both, of course. Obviously, I shouldn’t just go around talking about how cute and wonderful you are on the radio, nor should I talk about your perfect flowing mane and the way it accentuates your–

Rarity!

You’re right, I’m very sorry dear. How’s the counter equation going?

Would be going better if you didn’t keep distracting me. How’s the town?

Oh… Oh dear. Apparently, while we were talking, the riot made its way to the heart of the town, and there is now quite the commotion outside my house as ponies fight for possession of the golden ticket. If you aren’t affect by the ticket, please head inside immediately, and wait for a member of the weather team to give you the all clear. Listeners, I am getting a clear view of the ticket now and…

No! I can’t look at it. I can’t, but… Listeners, it’s absolutely wonderful, and I want it… No, I need it. It’s simply… the most beautiful thing in the world.

Wait! Rarity! You can’t leave now, who’s going to do the–

[The sound of a door opening and closing is audible as Twilight sighs]

Just great, what am I supposed to do now… What was that thing she did yesterday when she had to leave? Oh right! And now, the weather, I guess.

***

“Great!” Twilight yells as Rarity leaves the building to join the melee. “I didn’t need your help anyways. Why am I even trying to help this town, it’s clear everypony here is crazy!”

“You know, I can still hear you,” Lyra says from the control booth.

Twilight grinds her teeth. “And I don’t really care. You’re a part of this town, you’re a part of the madness, and I just… how can you live like this?”

As Twilight speaks, a wave of calm runs the length of her body, and her irritation at the town fades. Pony Vale is a wonderful town. You love it here, a voice in the back of her head reminds her. “Sorry,” Twilight says, shaking her head. “I guess I kind of spaced out there for a minute. Anyways, I think I have the counter equation ready, I just need time to cast it.” Which would be a lot easier if I didn’t have these stupid runes on my horn. Definitely going to be researching how these runes work once I’m done here. Hopefully their library is well stocked, Twilight mentally adds.

“Got it, how long do you need?” Lyra asks as Twilight gets up and heads to the door.

“No idea, if I knew more about how the… equation worked, it wouldn’t be a problem, but for that to happen, I’d need to look at the ticket, and that’s a bit of a problem,” Twilight says as the two unicorns head downstairs. “Hopefully nopony gets seriously hurt. Want-it need-it equations are incredibly dangerous if the caster doesn’t know how to undo the spell… err, equation. Hopefully I have the ma… resonance right.”

They open Rarity’s bloodstone door with a small offering, and stare out into the riot that Rarity is now forcing her way into the middle of. “It’s mine!” she yells at the top of her lungs. “Nopony else can have her… it. It’s mine!”

“I wonder what she sees,” Lyra says as Twilight’s horn begins to glow. “I bet it’s something really good.”

“Based on the feedback, I think it shows the viewer what they want most in the world. Actually, Rarity saying it was a golden ticket might have been a good thing because it shape locked the object in the mind of anypony hearing the broadcast.” Twilight frowns as the mob moves away from the building, a cream-colored mare grabbing the ticket and sprinting away.

Twilight and Lyra chase after the mob, careful to look at the ground as they pursue the crowd. Eventually, the chase reaches the entrance to Sugarcube Corner and the fighting mob stills as the pink herald emerges, her coat a shade of pink so violent it hurts the mind to comprehend. At least, it does for everypony but Twilight.

“What’s the big deal?” she asks Lyra. “It’s just this town’s version of Pinkie Pie.”

Lyra gasps. “You… look at her. She’s a monster. Nothing should be that pink. She’s a monster and my marefriend is trotting right for her.” Lyra throws herself at the crowd, struggling to break through the wall of ponies.

Twilight’s horn glows brighter as she continues to siphon the magic she needs for her spellwork. “Nope, Pinkie is always that pink. Not really that big an issue. I mean… it’s a bit more colorful than the rest of the town but… Actually, it’s a lot more colorful than this town. Why are the ponies here so gray? Why do I feel so gra–”

“Bon-Bon!” the Pink Herald yells. “You are the winner of our contest, do you know what that means?”

“I get to tour the confectionary?” Bon-Bon asks, her eyes wide and unfocused as she takes a step towards the Pink Herald as the other ponies in the crowd look at each other as their minds return to them.

“Yupperooni! Just step on inside, and we can start the tour,” the Pink Herald says, a giant smile plastered on her face. Bon-Bon trots towards opened door.

“Twilight, you have to do something,” Lyra pleads, looking back at her friend from the crowd she’s half wedged in. “I know… I know you don’t like it here, and you have no reason to do anything for this town after what it did to you, but she’s my marefriend, and she doesn’t deserve… She doesn’t deserve whatever the Pink Herald has planned.”

Without a second of hesitation, a beam of energy erupts from Twilight’s horn, arcing out towards the ticket and consuming it in a blast of violet energy, and causing Bon-Bon to stop in her tracks, suddenly aware of just where she is. The Pink Herald’s head swivels around towards the equation’s source, and she bounds over the entire crowd in an instant, landing just inches from Twilight Sparkle’s face. The Herald twists her head upside down and giggles.

“Ooh! The outsider Sparkle wants to play the game, not understanding the stakes. Not even understanding her own role in the game. Pawn of Harmony, sent to do what the rainbow couldn’t, but harmony will never find purchase in the land of madness and chaos. You will fail Twilight. This town will bind you to it, and make you just as broken as the rest of these ponies.” Pinkie lets out another bout of giggles. “Oh! It will be so fun to watch you be consumed by madness, and I’m sure when the Founder returns, you’ll worship at his feet just like everypony else in this town.”

Before Twilight can respond, the Pink Herald leaps back through the air and lands at the entrance to Sugarcube Corner, untwisting her head and giving the crowd a flourish. “Until next time, ponies, I hope to see you all at Sugarcube Corner one day soon.” She winks at Twilight. “And me and my friends will be sure to keep an eye on you, Sparkie. Can’t wait to see what you’ll get up to next.” With that, she bounces back into the bakery and the pink doors slam shut. The crowd quickly disperses leaving Twilight, Lyra, and Rarity to walk back to Rarity’s house, while Rarity makes a point of not looking at anypony.

“Alright,” Twilight says as they finally enter Rarity’s house. “Your Pinkie is definitely creepier than mine.”

***

Well, listeners, it looks like our town has a new protector: The outsider Twilight Sparkle. On her first day in town, she managed to save one of our citizens and a dear friend of mine. If this isn’t proof that our town shouldn’t be so closed minded, then I don’t know what is. That’s right, our town has something it hasn’t had in a long time: A hero, and not only is she smart and beautiful, but she is also my roommate. Ooh! I’m so excited I can barely contain myself.

[The muffled sound of a pony pounding on a door can be heard in the background]

Oh yes, I simply must learn not to talk about Twilight and her perfect mane on the air. For being a hero, she is certainly humble.

I’m not a hero.

Spoken with all the humility I’m coming to expect from her. Anyways, I think it’s important we all meditate on what the word 'hero' means. Maybe it isn’t that hard. Maybe being a hero just requires stepping up and doing the right thing when nopony else will. Maybe it just means doing something to help somepony else. Pony Vale is a great town, a wonderful, terrific city, epitomizing the ideas of equality and scientific rigor, but I believe that all of us can combine to make this town even better.

Perhaps our town’s problems aren’t so insurmountable. Perhaps we can deal with the night howler that still roams our town, although… maybe we should start with something smaller. Maybe we can start by helping those citizens troubled by the wailing of the scrublands get a good night’s sleep. Stay tuned for the sounds of a gentle lullaby. Good night, Pony Vale. Good night.

***

Late that night, a ~~small dragon~~ talking lizard sleeps at the foot of a bed, dreaming of a mountain of gems as the clopping of hooves on the floor slowly pulls him from his sleep. “Twilight?” he asks, looking at his guardian who’s pacing in a nervous circle. “What’s going on?”

“I’m thinking, Spike,” she says, turning to look at the ~~dragon~~ lizard. Twilight gestures at the scrolls from Princess Celestia. “This whole town is sick, Spike, and Celestia… she can’t even find us on a map. But… I think I have a plan. I think I know how we can bring Celestia here and save Pony Vale, and it all hinges on Rarity’s radio.”

Author's Note

Okay! So, we now have music to go with the weather. Not to spoil anything, but expect a lot of orchestral stuff, stuff from Yourenigma, and non-english pony songs. If you have non-copyrighted music you'd like to see for the weather, please feel free to send me a private message and I will consider your request. See you next Saturday.

4. Applebuck Season

“So, Rarity, can you show me how the radio works some time?” Twilight asks as the two unicorns and Spike share an early dinner. “There’s absolutely nothing like it in the rest of Equestria, and I’d just love to know more about it. Actually, it’s really fascinating seeing how a community developed without the use of magic. You managed to turn coal into electricity, and your explanations for systems that don’t involve magic is… well, some of them actually sound plausible.”

Rarity smiles and clears her throat. “While your enthusiasm is just delightful, I’d like to remind you that the reason we do everything without magic is because it doesn’t exist. It’s not as if we chose to ignore it, although I do hope the rest of Equestria follows our enlightened example and eschews the cult of superstition that they’ve been indoctrinated in to. Hopefully, your letters to your… friend will prove informative to them.”

“Oh, they definitely are,” Twilight says between bites of her daisy sandwich. She’s actually checking her libraries looking for any reference to your town. It looks like Pony Vale is quite the enigma, and I’m sure you’ll have lots to tell the outside world when they finally find you. Why, I bet the things you know could fill up a book. You created Equestria’s first radio station in a time when the rest of the world relies on pegasus relays for rapid communication.”

“You are too kind, Twilight,” Rarity says, blushing. “I’m afraid I’m nothing special though, just a mare who had a dream implanted in her by the Founder.”

“Yeah, actually, I was kind of curious about that,” Spike says, finishing off his gemstone salad. “You keep talking about the town’s founder, but I haven’t seen her yet. Is she alive, dead, what?”

Rarity’s expression goes flat and she regards Spike with complete detachment. “That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons pass, even death may die.”

“Uhh… what?” Twilight asks, frowning at her friend. Over the past few weeks, such displays have lost their shock, but her nature still compels her to dig deeper.

“I’m sorry, dear, did I say something?” Rarity asks, shaking off the malaise that befell her. “I’m afraid I just ‘spaced out’ for a minute, as they say.”

“Right,” Spike says, pushing his now empty bowl of gems. “I’ll just file this away as Creepy Pony Vale Mystery #238. Why aren’t we taking our chances in the Everfree again?”

Twilight giggles, a noise that strikes her assistant as unnatural. It wasn’t something she did until she came to this town and had those marks etched on her horn. Was she sure they didn’t mess with her head? “Spike! This town is fascinating, and there’s just so much I can learn here. Why would I want to leave until I’ve learned everything I can?” She glares in the general direction of where she thinks Ponyville should be. “Besides, even if we could get out of here, I don’t want to deal with her. Celestia still doesn’t believe I’m the real Twilight, even after everything I told her.”

“Well, at least she’s trying to find you,” Spike says. “She said she has ponies flying all over the Everfree Forest.”

“But we haven’t seen anything,” Twilight says, rolling her eyes. “It’s been three weeks and there’s been nothing, no sign of the outside world at all. You’d think if they were actually looking for us, we’d have seen something by now.”

“Yeah,” Spike says, frowning at Twilight. Was she always this temperamental? Was he just imagining things? “Maybe, but I don’t think this place plays by the same rules as everywhere else.”

Twilight sighs and glances at Rarity. “You’re probably right, Spike,” she says, rubbing her forehead. “But it’s not like this place is bad. There’s… it has mysteries, but that’s what makes it so interesting. In fact, I think it’s the most interesting town I’ve ever been to.”

Spike rolls his eyes. “Right. You’ve only been to two towns though, and you were at one of them for like… a day. You don’t really have a lot of experience–”

He’s interrupted as Rarity suddenly gets to her hooves. “I’m so sorry, dears, but I’m afraid I must get ready for the show. Will you be fine on your own?”

Twilight nods. “I have a few things I wanted to get done in town while you were doing the broadcast. I’m guessing all the stores are close to their Ponyville counterparts?”

“You’d know more about that than I would,” Rarity says as her bloodstone door rolls open and Lyra walks into the building. “Just try not to go near Sweet Apple Acres today.”

“Got it,” Twilight says as she heads out the door. “Any reason why?”

Rarity smiles at her as she follows Lyra up the stairs. “Oh, I’m sure you’ll hear about it on the news today.”

“Great,” Twilight mumbles. “I can’t wait to hear you talk about how adorable I am.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Rarity says, stopping her climb and turning to look back at the door. “I do try to contain myself, but you’re simply so adorable it’s hard to contain myself. I will try to be better about that today, though.”

“I guess I’ll take it,” Twilight says, flashing Rarity a brief smile as the bloodstone door rolls closed. “Oh, and promise me we’ll talk about how the radio works sometime? I’d really love to work the control board if Lyra can’t make it.” Her eyes sparkle. “Maybe you can give her a day off to spend with Bon-Bon.”

Before either Rarity or Lyra can respond to her, the bloodstone door slides shut, leaving Rarity and Lyra to stare at each other. “Well,” Rarity says, turning to Lyra. “I’d be amenable to such an arrangement, if you are. How long has it been since you last had a personal day?”

“Too long,” Lyra groans, “and a day with Bon-Bon would be fun. I mean, I’d be up for a day off, just as long as your marefriend doing my job doesn’t become a permanent thing.”

“She is not my marefriend,” Rarity scoffs as she enters the broadcast room. “Merely a roommate who I’m… quite fond of.”

“Uh-huh,” Lyra says as she takes her spot in the control booth. “You know the contents of your radio broadcast aren’t exactly secret, right?”

“Well,” Rarity scoffs, “it’s not as if I can be blamed for noticing her perfect body and mane… and teeth… and–”

“I get it,” Lyra says, flipping several switches with her horn’s energy. “Whenever you’re ready, by the way.”

Rarity smiles and leans close to the microphone. “A friendly voice calls you into a dark void. Welcome to Pony Vale.”

***

Hello, listeners. Today marks the start of applebuck season, and you know what that means, right? We’re just a few days away from those delicious Apple Family apples. Ponies wishing to help in the annual harvest should head to their orchards as quickly as possible. If you get lost, just follow the sound of disembodied screaming. You can’t go wrong. Those of you who value your lives over first pick of the Apple Family’s delicious apples are encouraged to stay inside today. Rampaging apple trees are no joking matter.

In related news, with the town’s harvest coming up, it’s time we talked about sacrifice. It is such an important facet of our community that’s regularly ignored. Our town thrives on sacrifice, most importantly, your sacrifice. Remember to head to the altar at Jubilee Park, cut your left forehoof with the ritual knife, and make an offering to quell the rampaging trees as soon as you can. If you don’t, the weather team will be visiting you and encouraging you to make a larger donation. Remember, either pay a little now or pay a lot later.

Speaking of donations, the station would like to commend the ponies that donated so much last year. If you see a soulless husk wandering our town’s streets, dead to the pleasures of the physical world, be sure to give them your thanks. Their sacrifice allows us to have such delicious apples. Mhmm, apples.

Some good news for the ponies in town that are just looking for a shady place to sit: The mysterious rift in reality that appeared above our town three weeks ago is growing. In just a few weeks, it’s managed to double in size, to the delight of everypony seeking its shadow. The nature of the rift and just why it appeared above our town remains a mystery, constantly tugging at the back of my mind, but I’m sure nopony’s going to complain about the free shade.

Hmm… listeners, I am receiving an interesting development. The clock beneath the statue of the town founder has started to move. It’s hands move slowly, but they are moving, inexorably making their around the face of the clock. What happens when they complete the circuit, I don’t know, but they are moving. After a thousand years, they are moving, and my gut tells me something will happen when the clock strikes midnight.

I have good news: The weather team is recruiting. All pegasi who aren’t affiliated with the weather team are invited to try-out at their bunker out by the edge of town. Rainbow Dash made a point of extending the invitation to Fluttershy, out near the Everfree. Rainbow Dash said she would love it if Fluttershy could fly to the bunker without the escort of the winged unicorns who have taken up residence in her cottage. Winged unicorns are not invited to try out for the weather team. Winged unicorns are not allowed in town. We are not even supposed to acknowledge the existence of winged unicorns due to their similarity to alicorns, which obviously do not exist.

Remember, if you’re a pegasus and not already a part of the weather team, why aren’t you already a part of the weather team? As of today, all pegasi are required to join, or at least try out for, the weather team, and you don’t want to be found in violation of a town ordinance, do you? No. No, you don’t.

Fluttershy, I know you’re listening out there, and if you aren’t, then certainly, one of your… winged unicorn friends is. Please listen carefully to what I’m saying: You shouldn’t hide in your cottage under the protection of your guests, and if you have to go out to town for any reason, you definitely shouldn’t travel with an escort of two winged unicorns. After all, the weather team just wants what’s best for you. Also, should I bring chips and hummus or a fruit bowl to our next get together? Just send one of your roommates to… the usual place with the answer.

On the topic of the weather team, I have a public service announcement: Face stealers. They are out there, constantly trying to infiltrate our society, and they could be anywhere. Has a loved one been acting strange lately? Perhaps discussing forbidden topics they should know better than to speak of in polite company? Have they been putting more sugar in their tea than usual, lately? Less? Maybe they’ve switched from tea to coffee entirely? Remember, even the slightest deviation from routine could be a sign that your loved one was replaced by a face stealer. Don’t take chances. Report them to the weather team immediately. If they learn you reported them to the weather team and grow upset, then they’re definitely a face stealer and should be burned as quickly as possible. Also, remember to keep your face-stealer incinerator fueled at all times. We don’t want to be caught unprepared by the face stealing menace.

Listeners! A distressing update, my roommate Twilight Sparkle, with her perfectly teeth and mane has been spotted leaving Barber Groomsby’s with a manecut. The barber… no, the butcher has hacked away at her long, beautiful, indescribable mane, leaving something short, ugly, and completely unstyled in its place. How could a stallion living in this civilized time to something so barbaric? How could he so callously destroy something that brings pleasure to so many ponies? How can you dare look at yourself in the mirror after cutting something so beautiful to pieces? How could you, Barber Groomsby?

Now, you know I’m not mare to incite acts of violence against somepony, but if a vigilante fueled by righteous rage wished to bring some sort of retribution down upon Barber Groomsby’s head… Could anypony here blame them? Has there ever been a more deserving target of such an action? Have our principles of love and tolerance ever been so sorely tested? I certainly can’t think of an example, and would like to tell any vigilantes out there that I wouldn’t blame you. Not. At. All. Have you seen Twilight’s new manecut? It’s absolutely dreadful.

In brighter news, a group of enraged trees have escaped from the Applebucking Grounds and are heading towards town, presumably to enact a bloodthirsty rampage. If you’re out on the town’s streets, please head inside where the wards can protect you. If you’re feeling brave, feel free to attempt bucking the trees into submission, and remember to avoid their deadly roots and limbs. Bucking the trees in the nose is the fastest way to subdue them, just remember to avoid their ever-hungering mouths. The trees will not hesitate to devour you, so you must not show fear or hesitation. I will keep you updated as the story develops.

Do you remember that haunting wailing that started in the scrublands a few weeks ago? The one some listeners swore was calling to them and compelling them to do unspeakable things? Well, there is now a withered old mare standing on the border of town, staring at us all with black eyes that devour worlds. She points at us all with a withered hoof as she recites the litany of our sins in alphabetical order, while simultaneously making the low wail that fills the southern half of our town. I do not know what will happen when she finishes her recitation, but my heart is filled with fear and trepidation. Also, I heard what you did at my sister’s birthday, Twist. How could you?

The secret lab miles beneath our town has issued a statement that, “At 4:37 this morning, we managed to successfully test a large fusion device under the town. The device performed better than anticipated, and we expect to successfully deploy it in the war against the crown in the next decade. We merely await the town council to give us the final go ahead, and they can contact us in… the usual way. We apologize for any disturbance the test might have caused.”

Well, listeners, isn’t that a relief? When I woke up this morning to find the ground violently shaking, I feared our town was experiencing an earthquake, but it turns out the secret lab was just testing a perfectly harmless fusion device. You see, listeners, our fears usually have a reasonable harmless explanation..

Now, a word from our sponsors:

[A cheerful upbeat voice speaks]

Cupcakes.

[Several seconds of silence]

Succinct. Hmm,.. I swear the initial message was a lot longer, but maybe it’s my memory that’s in error. Certainly nothing to worry about. There is absolutely nothing for any of us to worry about… Except for the tree monsters rampaging through town, I suppose, but that’s hardly anything unusual, just another one of our town’s little annual hassles.

[Several seconds of dead air as a static buzz takes over the station]

Listeners, the mayor is announcing an emergency press conference to discuss today’s troubling events. She is stepping up to the podium and leading us in the town’s anthem…

[A minute and a half of shrieking]

The anthem has concluded, and she is making her announcement. Her mouth has wrenched itself open, and she speaks without moving her mouth. “Citizens of Pony Vale, I wish to speak with you about today’s troubling event. Please, rest assured that the town council is investigating just why the clock on the statue of the city founder has moved. This incident is troubling to everypony in town, and I want you to know we take your concerns seriously. If anypony finds an ancient prediction speaking of the Founder’s return or the unravelling of all things, please ignore its contents and bring it to town hall immediately so the item can be disposed of. Are there any questions?”

A light-blue mare… Truth Seeker, of the Pony Vale Gazette, is raising a hoof and asking if this has anything to do with the rift in reality that recently appeared above our town.

The mayor is staring at Truth Seeker with cold eyes and starting to shake violently. She is gnashing her teeth violently, and blood, spit, and foam are frothing from her mouth as she bashes her head against the solid wood podium, and… Ah! Locusts are now flying from Mayor Mare’s mouth, which means she has no comment on the issue. You know, it really is remarkable how amazing an orator our mayor is. Who but her can adequately summarise such complicated issues?

An aide is cleaning the mayor up now that she has regained her composure and asking for another question. Wait… No, the aide’s eyes have gone wide, and he is pulling the mayor back to the town hall. Several reporters are turning see what the aide saw, and… the angry orchard is coming towards the press ponies. They have them…

[Ponies scream in the background]

The press ponies have been surrounded, the trees are wrapping their branches around them, and… they are squeezing, listeners. No, not just squeezing, the apple trees are pulling them apart. One pony has been split in half by the pressure applied to his midsection, but… Truth Seeker is leading a resistance. She has bucked one of the trees directly in the nose and stunned it. Several other ponies are managing to hold off the rampaging trees, and… One of the trees is anointing himself in the blood of a slain pony. The tree’s limbs are slowing, and it is taking root right in the middle of the emergency press conference area. Isn’t this going to be a hassle? Now, we’re going to have to chop the tree down, change the emergency press conference area, or wait until next harvest for the tree to move.

Oh, excuse me, listeners, while I was talking, it seems the entire Pony Vale press corp was slaughtered, and the trees are preparing to anoint themselves. Listeners, I cannot emphasize how terrible this news is, the town council is worried about what’s making the clock on the statue of the town founder move. The town council is never worried. They are our brave fearless leaders, tasked with leading us through the troubles that… occasionally befall our town, and to know that they’re scared is troubling news indeed–

[She’s interrupted as the pop of ~~magic~~ energy can be heard in the studio]

Listeners, the charming and beautiful Twilight Sparkle has just materialized in the broadcast room, and she is furious. Also, now that I have a better look at it, the new manecut isn’that terrible, it accentuates a certain softness and bookishness in her, and–

Rarity!

It seems I am being called away to have a discussion with my roommate, and… I don’t think she’s willing to wait until the news is over, so until I can return, the weather.

***

“You know I hate it when you interrupt my broadcasts, right?” Rarity asks as Lyra switches on the music.

“And I hate it when you see a dozen ponies get brutally murdered and don’t even bother to react,” Twilight yells. “Just… how could you be more concerned with a press conference than the fact that all the press ponies were killed by marauding trees? Also, what kind of warning is ‘don’t go near Sweet Apple Acres’ when half the town is fighting an angry orchard?”

“Well, first of all,” Rarity says, giving Twilight a small smile. “The trees were never supposed to escape the farm, I assumed you would be perfectly safe going out to explore the town. Second of all, the Pony Vale press corp dies almost every time we have an emergency press conference. We don’t even have to hire replacements, the mayor just announces a press conference, twelve ponies show up, something goes wrong, and they die. I’m… a part of me thinks the press corp doesn’t actually die.”

“It’s true,” Lyra says from behind her booth. “Nopony in the press corp has ever had a funeral. Sure, ponies in the press corp die all the time, but I’ve never seen one of them be buried. Of course, I’ve never seen one of them come back to life either, so… I’m not sure, either way.”

“Are you saying you have immortal ponies in this town?” Twilight asks, her eyes wide. “That they just… die, respawn, and die again?”

Rarity laughs and shakes her head. “Of course not, Twilight, that would just be… absurd. However, I’m not arguing against it either. Merely pointing out that… a lot of ponies die in this town, but the population never seems to dip.” She looks between Twilight and Lyra. “And speaking of… peculiarities in the town’s population, have you seen the doubles too?”

Lyra nods her head while Twilight’s frown just deepens. “Doubles?”

“Yes, if you’re ever in a crowd, look at the periphery of your vision. You can’t look directly at them, but if you’re careful, you can see them, duplicates of other ponies. Why, I was walking through the market just the other day and I swear I saw three Lyra’s,” Rarity says, looking at her friend.

“It’s true,” Lyra says, glancing at Twilight. “There’s probably another me just… wandering the streets of Pony Vale right now, filling up the background as long as you don’t look too closely at her.”

“And I’m guessing…” Twilight sighs. “Why do I already believe you? Your claim is completely crazy, but… this is Pony Vale, completely crazy is the norm here, right?”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Rarity says, frowning. “Our town just has a few… peculiarities. Eccentricities that set it apart from other towns. Really, I like to think we’re just your normal Equestrian town.”

“Uh-huh,” Twilight says, slowly nodding her head. “I’m sure you do. So, what are we going to do about the killer trees?”

Rarity tilts her head. “Them? Nothing, I would imagine. Those that can still move will be corralled back into the orchard, and the rest will stay where they rooted. Oh! Twilight, we really must go to Jubilee Park to make our blood oaths after the show’s over. Without them… Well, we don’t want to get on Rainbow Dash’s badside.”

Twilight groans and mutters to herself. “Everypony in this town is crazy.”

***

Well, listeners, our tree situation is now under control. The former emergency press conference area is now a forested park we can all enjoy, and I think we should turn it into a memorial park for the members of the Pony Vale press conference, trapped in a seemingly endless cycle of death and rebirth. But then, aren’t we all? Are we just a single entity, springing forth from nothingness before fading back into oblivion, or are we a part of something larger? Are our deaths just the beginning of another cycle? Not the end of the book as so many believe, but merely the end of the chapter.

I think our new garden is the perfect place to contemplate our roles in life’s grand sweeping narrative and the roles of the ponies that fill our lives. We will seek shade under the trees that will wake up in a year and try to murder us, they will anoint themselves in our blood sacrifices, and we will taste of their juicy ripe red apples. We are all connected, citizens, permanently bound to the world around us in a narrative far greater than any individual. Our deaths are not the end of the story, simply an exit for one character so another might take their place. I’d suggest everypony think about that as we enjoy those delicious Apple Family Apples this year.

Stay tuned for this broadcast played in reverse. Can you spot all the hidden messages? Good night, Pony Vale. Good night.

Author's Note

Another Saturday, another chapter. Hope you all enjoyed this one, it was super fun to write. Actually, I had some things I didn't like about it, but those were mostly fixed, and I'm really excited to write next week's chapter.

5. Birds of Prey

“Hey, Rarity,” Twilight says as her friend checks on her in the control booth. “Have I mentioned how incredible this radio is? It’s like something out of a science-fiction story, but I’m touching it with my own hooves.”

Rarity smiles, sitting next to the other unicorn. “You’ve only mentioned it several dozen times, and really, it’s not that fascinating. I’m sure the secret lab under the town has much more interesting toys for you to investigate.”

“Maybe,” Twilight says, rolling her eyes. “But I can’t exactly get there, now can I?”

“No, I suppose not,” Rarity says, her smile tightening. “Well, I’m glad you’re finding something to occupy yourself with. Is there anything else you need?”

Twilight’s eyes light up. “Books. I’ve looked through your house a few times, and you don’t have any books but romance novels, and I read those on my first week here. Do you have anything that explains that weird rune language you use? I’d love to know just what all these equations mean.”

Rarity’s smile vanishes. “No, any books pertaining to our town’s secret knowledge are stored in the library… For security, of course.”

“Security?” Twilight asks, raising an eyebrow. “I thought this town valued knowledge.”

“And we do,” Rarity says, laughing nervously. “Knowledge is the most valuable thing in our society, but… value is determined by scarcity, you see, so we put our books in a place that only ponies truly possessed by the desire to learn could reach. That would be the library.”

“But I walk past the library all the time,” Twilight says, pouting slightly. “I could walk into it pretty much anytime I want. I just… haven’t, for some reason, which now that I think about it, is kind of weird. I wonder why that is.”

“It’s because your survival instincts have more sense than you do, I’m afraid. Walking into the library isn’t the challenge, it’s dealing with the librarians.”

Twilight laughs at that. “Oh, come on, Rarity, I’m sure they’re not that bad. I thought you were being serious when you said the library was dangerous. Everything else in this town is.”

“The library’s not dangerous, Twilight, but the librarians are absolute monsters,” Rarity says. Twilight opens her mouth to say something, but Rarity shushes her. “No, Twilight, I’m not exaggerating or engaging in metaphorical speech. The librarians are literally monsters. Only one in ten ponies who walk into the library leave.”

Twilight gulps. “Oh,” she eventually says, “how bad is it?”

“Only one in ten ponies leave. I feel that should sufficiently answer your question,” Rarity says, tilting her head at Twilight.

“Fine, maybe I should…” She trails off before shaking her head. “No. I need to know what they did to me. I need to know if I can fix this… To know if… I need to know, no matter what the risks are.”

Rarity gives Twilight a wan smile. “Spoken like one of our scientists, determined to unlock the mysteries of the universe even if it kills them or drives us all horrifically mad. Are you sure you’re not a scientist.”

“I don’t think so,” Twilight says, “but the idea doesn’t sound too terrible. Can you imagine how I’d look in a lab coat?”

“All too well,” Rarity says with a sigh bordering on the idyllic before staring off into fantasy.

“Rarity!” Twilight yells. “You’re doing the day dream thing again, you know how uncomfortable that makes me.”

“I’m sorry, dear,” Rarity says, “I can’t help it, you’d just look so cute in a lab coat and… You know, I could try my hoof at sewing if you wanted.”

Twilight laughs to herself. “And I’m sure you’d be great at it, but right now can we focus on getting me ready for the library?”

“Of course, dear,” Rarity says, getting up on her hooves. “I’m sure we can find something to make you a lean, mean, librarian-fighting machine – Not an actual automaton though, I’m afraid the process for that is far too time consuming and tends to drain the subject of their equanity.”

“I’m not sure if I should be excited or terrified about the fact that you had to clarify the fact you were speaking figuratively,” Twilight says. “Do you think we can see one of the robots some time?”

“It could be arranged,” Rarity says as they exit the control room. “Now let’s see what I have in the armory.”

***

An hour later, Twilight stands in the living room, clad in leather armor, a shotgun floating beside her, and saddlebags filled with ink, quills, and shells. “Now remember,” Rarity says, “The shells are loaded with my own special blend of shrapnel and rock salt, wrapped around an anti-evil equation that… I can’t explain in detail without violating several of the town’s rules. Oh, and take this.” She floats a headset up to Twilight for the unicorn to use. “This will allow you to hear me clearly and relay messages back to me. We’ll be in constant communication throughout your entire journey.”

“Uhmm… shouldn’t I be able to hear you anyways, you’ll be on the radio while I’m gone, right?” Twilight asks. “Also, why do you have leather?”

Rarity’s eyes go wide as she glances from her friend to the clock and back to her friend again. “Oh dear,” she says, before sprinting up stairs to the broadcast room, leaving Twilight behind with an unanswered question. Lyra sits at her usual spot in the control booth.

“When did you get here?” Rarity asks as she takes her seat.

“You were busy playing dress-up with your marefriend, so I figured I’d just set things up while I waited. You ready?”

Rarity nods as the On-Air light switches on. “Five dimensional thinking in a three dimensional world. Welcome to Pony Vale.”

***

Some of our more observant citizens might have seen the birds of prey – Twilight tells me they’re called griffons – flying above our sleepy little town. The weather team tried to appreh– Err, welcome the griffons to our town, only to find that they are almost completely intangible, with the exceptions of their claws and beaks. If you see one of them in the sky, return immediately to your home, close the blinds, and stay there until your teeth vibrate to the town’s “all clear” signal. Also, if you see the vivisected remains of one of the ponies in our first contact team… Well, you know what to do.

Oh! Listeners, you’ll be thrilled to know our blood sacrifices led to a very successful apple harvest. The Apple family wishes to thank you all for your blood, sweat, and tears, although they are, of course, most thankful for your blood offerings. It is, after all, what allows us to enjoy that rich Apple Family Cider and stay safe from the marauding apple trees for another year. Mhmm, apples. Is there anything better than a fresh crisp apple in the morning? I certainly can’t think of anything. The first batch of cider should be ready within a fortnight, so get ready, everypony.

The Ponyville PTA had its monthly meeting last night, where a few over-protective parents thought our history textbooks lengthy descriptions of crimes committed by the crown, our chemistry book discussing just how to make timed explosives, and our physics books discussing key structural weaknesses in Canterlot Mountain might constitute treason.

Listeners, that is ridiculous. First of all, we aren’t encouraging ponies to do anything, merely offering a wide-array of facts that could conceivably be used to fan the passions of our youth and train an armed insurrection against our corrupt monarchy– Excuse me, my lovely and adorable roommate has a direct line to me, and she is not happy about my description of the crown. Yes, dear, we can discuss it when you get back from the library, but if Celestia really cared about you, don’t you think we would have seen some sign of her search by now?

Yes, I know, we can discuss it later, just stay safe on your trip, and I’ll be using my scrying orb to keep an eye out for librarians.

Anyways, as I was saying before, is it treason to present information that could possibly be used to lead an armed bloody insurrection, or is the real treason keeping ponykind ignorant so that the shadowy draconic cabal that controls Equestria can continue their oppression of us? I’ll leave the solution to that problem as an exercise for the listeners.

The concern of guns in school was also raised during the monthly meeting, with weaponsmith Friendly Fire arguing that our children simply aren’t armed enough to deal with potentially violent incursions in town. while Cheerilee claimed that the solution isn’t arming our children but creating heavily-armored weapon platforms capable of patrolling and defending our school.

Now, I try to avoid letting editorial bias tinge my show, but I have to say building these so called “death bots” is simply a short-term solution that doesn’t prepare our children for the harsh realities of the world. If they are to thrive in this dangerous world, they need to know how to defend themselves as soon as possible. Not to mention the fact that properly arming our children is the cheaper solution that also prepares our town for… liberation day.

[A second of silence]

No, Twilight, I promise our town isn’t preparing an armed incursion against the tyrant– against the crown.

[Silence]

Of course, I completely agree, violent armed uprisings are never the answer to civic problems, even though every mayor of ours has achieved the office by violently deposing their predecessor.

[Silence]

Yes, I fully agree, such customs are barbaric… Excuse me, I’m having an issue with my headset, so I need to turn it off for just one second. Also, could you please use the equation of yours that dampens your ability to hear the radio to prevent interference? Yes? Good. Listeners, she means well, but she spent her entire life as a pawn of a crown that abused and ultimately discarded her. It’s going to take her time to see things properly, and until then, I’m simply… humoring some of her more fanciful notions. Alright, Twilight, I’m back. I hope you didn’t miss me too terribly.

Speaking of our children, the Cutie Mark Crusaders will be recruiting soon. Children who have been… chosen will receive letters in the mail with a red dot on them. Families of the chosen must bring them to the squat black building covered in ancient hieroglyphics on induction day or face the consequences. We cannot bargain with the Crusade, and I’m sure we all remember what happened the last time we tried.

[A pony can be heard shuddering]

Besides, why would we want to? The Crusade is an established Pony Vale institution, and every family has children who are members. When the Crusade’s black doors finally swing open on the day of judgment, I’m sure we’ll all be thrilled to see the children of past generations returned to us as they bring purification to Equestria. Why, I can already hear the scream of the heretics as they’re thrown on the pyre. Remember, our souls must be kept clean so we’re not found wanting.

Listeners, I am pleased to report that my darling Twilight has reached the front door to the library, and is preparing her expedition to find some ancient tomes on… our town’s history. Of course, she would never look for anything dangerous, she’s simply an inquisitive mind who better wants to understand the town she found herself in.

My Twilight is opening the door, trotting inside the library – be sure to close the door, Twilight – and… there are no librarians in sight. Twilight is commenting that there’s no way such a massive library can fit inside such a tiny building, and I must admit, the rows and rows of bookcases are far larger than the building’s small exterior would lead you to believe. Who knew you could fit so much knowledge in a small tree library.

Now, Twilight, I love hearing your thoughts, but I have to ask you to go silent now. The librarians hate nothing more than ponies talking in the library. If you’re quiet, you might manage to find the books you need without ever seeing a librarian. I’ll be using my scrying pool to keep an eye out for librarians, and if I see something, I’ll let you know as quickly as possible.

During my weekly luncheon with Fluttershy, out near the Everfree, I actually got a chance to meet one of her… winged unicorns. Apparently, they are all named Erika and have come to our town to stop the unraveling of all things before it can spread back in time and unmake us. According to… Erika, with a K, apparently that’s very important, the world is being unmade from the past, and if not contained soon, things will go… missing.

Erika was vague about just what would go missing, but Fluttershy assured me that everything would be fine. She said the… winged unicorns have been very kind to her and are doing everything they can to stop the unravelling. You see, the winged unicorns are here to help, so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Everything’s fine.

Twilight, I have finally found the librarians. They are currently hanging from the ceiling, clustered together with their long reptilian wings forming a sort of cocoon. As long as you stay away from the… back-left corner of the library, you should be fine. Just… don’t make too much… or any noise. Their massive ears are tuned to hear even the faintest sound.

A word from our sponsors: Why are any of us here? Glorious souls are trapped in broken bodies of bone and flesh, doomed to wither and die with every second. Cursed with the knowledge that we are inexorably being drawn towards oblivion, we break, indulging in base senseless pleasures, the taste of an apple or the caress of a lover, desperately seeking some distraction from our own frail existence. We indulge the same senses that tie us to such a mundane and broken reality in the hopes of finding some escapism and reducing us to the level of animals. But we are not animals. We are luminous beings, desperate for the chance to escape this curse of flesh, and we shall not despair because judgment is coming. The day we can all escape these frail mortal forms is rapidly approaching, so rejoice! Rejoice and exalt! Judgment is coming! This message paid for by the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Remember, the Crusade is coming.

An update on the old lady standing on the edge of town reciting the litany of our sins. She’s still standing on the edge of town, still reciting the litany of our sins, and we still have no idea what she’s doing there. When members of the weather team tried to apprehend her, she turned to them with her infinite black eyes that contain the cosmos and recited the secrets they dare not tell themselves to all who could hear her. Since then, nopony has approached her.

Several fights have broken out in town as old sins have been exposed to the entire town, and several grudges and rivalries have been reignited. For the last week, the weather team has been pulling double shifts in an attempt to keep order in the southern part of town as an increasingly sleep-deprived populace lashes out at those who wronged them.

On the upside, we’ve found the source of the incessant droning as a swarm of locusts are emerging from the old lady’s mouth while she continues her infernal recitation. The size of the locust swarm is currently three times as large as the old lady, raising several questions about just where the locusts are coming from. More on this story as it develops.

Twilight have you finished collecting your books? The librarians have started to stir from their slumber, and I don’t know how much longer you have until they start patrolling the library.

[Silence]

No, you should still take some time to copy what you need from the reference books.

[Silence]

No, you definitely shouldn’t remove the reference books from the library. The librarians are very… protective of them. Retrieving them is one of the few reasons a librarian will leave the library. Also, did you know direct sunlight drives librarians into a murderous frenzy? Besides, what if somepony comes along after you and needs those books? The threat of an excruciating death doesn’t excuse selfishness, and–

Twilight, a librarian has dropped on to the floor and started patrolling, pushed forward by its squirming tentacles, taloned claws ready to toss anything into it’s toothy maw. However, I must say it’s being remarkably quiet. I suppose that comes with being a librarian, though. Several more librarians have followed suit and are starting to patrol the area. Now that I have a better look at them, there’s something… vaguely equine about their shape. Yes, the back legs have been twisted into a mass of tentacles, and the forelegs now end in taloned claws, but there’s a touch equanity in those twisted faces. They also have a large jagged bony protrusion emerging from their heads, reminiscent of a unicorn’s horn, and… oh, it is heading right for you, Twilight, so… I’d write quickly. Very quickly. If you can write while running, I’d try that.

Oh, uhmm… Twilight dear, I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but… when I told you to run, I might have made a small… mistake. You see, I forgot that running is loud. The librarians are releasing a shriek that is… Yes, my ears are bleeding now, and I can only imagine how traumatic their wailing is for my dear Twilight. I–

Hi there!

Listeners, the Pink Herald is in… she somehow appeared in my studio. The Herald is–

Please, you can call me Pinkie. All my friends call me Pinkie. In fact, I insist you call me Pinkie.

Yes, well… Pinkie, what’s on your mind? Anything in particular that brings you into the studio today?

Oh yes, I’ve got a great little deal for you, but first… Can we do the thing where you play music?

I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about, Pinkie.

Oh, you know, the one that starts with you saying “And now listeners, the weather.”

***

“Alright,” Rarity says as the music turns on. “Do you care to tell me just what’s so important? And… what are you doing here?”

“Oh, silly, I just wanted to congratulate you on running such a super-awesome radio program. It’s probably the best show in the whole world,” Pinkie says, laughing.

“It’s the only radio program in the world,” Rarity says, glancing nervously at the Pink Herald. “Is that all? If so, I thank you very much for your consideration and kind words, and I ask you to leave so I can turn my attention back to–”

“Watching your super-secret crush getting eaten by monsters?” Pinkie asks, her eyes lighting up as she looks at the reflecting pool showing Twilight being chased by a pack of librarians. “It’s just so fun, right?”

“No,” Rarity says, her eyes fixed on the reflecting pool. “I’m actually trying to save her, so–”

“So anyways, the town council is just super thrilled with your work, I mean, you have no idea how happy your little show’s made them. Actually, it’s funny, they’re going to approach you with an offer to turn this station into a twenty-four hour broadcast center with a whole slew of new shows. You’ll even have station managers and it’s just going to be so funnerific,” Pinkie says, her lips twisted into a vicious parody of a smile. “Anyways, I just wanted to strongly advise you to say ‘yes.’”

“And why should I do that?” Rarity asks, eyes suddenly narrowing. She created this station with her own hooves, and her gut twists in revulsion at the idea of seeing the town gain control of it.

“Well,” Pinkie says, smile still splitting her face in two. “It’s the only way to save her for starters. Or… it makes me feel inclined to save her. You know, you help me, I help you. Or at the very least, I don’t make the exit to the library open back into the library. Same difference, really.”

Rarity swallows nervously. On the screen, Twilight sprints to the door, throwing aside the reference books as she pulls it open to reveal… the library. Around her, the librarians encircle her, cutting off her escape. “So… I give the town council control of my station and you save her?”

Pinkie laughs. “Oh no, silly, that’s hardly fair on my end. No, you agree to the town council’s wishes and I let her leave the library. The saving is for another deal, and I’m sure you’ll be really just… super happy to take it when the time comes. Ooh, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise. It’s going to be funnerific.” As she talks, the tallest librarian slithers towards Twilight, eating the blasts of ~~magic~~ ~~energy the unicorn hurls at it before grabbing Twilight with one grasping claw and lifting her up to its eye level.~~

~~“Alright!” Rarity yells as Twilight’s screams echo in her headset. “I’ll agree to anything you want, just let her live. Please… Please.”~~

~~“Shh…” Pinkie says, looking up from the scrying pool, a box of popcorn in her hooves. “This is the good part.” With its other grasping claw-arm, the head librarian lifts a single talon up to it’s jagged broken horn, delicately touching the tip before moving to touch the tip of Twilight’s horn. Giving a small shriek, it gingerly sets Twilight back on the ground, and bows before her. A second later, the other librarians follow suit as the door shifts violently to show Pony Vale’s exterior. The librarians end their bow and slither off back into the dark recesses of the library, leaving a confused Twilight Sparkle to stagger out of the library, careful to shut the door behind her.~~

~~“Just remember,” Pinkie says, leaning in close to whisper in Rarity’s ear, making sure Rarity’s headset can relay the message to Twilight as well, “I let her leave today. I let her~~ live ~~today. Any future she has is mine to give or take, so you should probably work~~ reeeaaaaal ~~hard to keep me happy. Otherwise, who knows what might happen? Anyways, your weather’s almost over, so I guess I’ll be popping off now, catch you later, Rares!”~~

~~With that, the Pink Herald ducks under the table and vanishes from the room, leaving a perplexed crying Rarity to stare into the scrying orb as Twilight staggers back home.~~

~~***~~

~~The Pink Herald is gone and Twilight is safe. All is right with the world, and… listeners… Sometimes… Sometimes you do something terrible. You don’t know how terrible it is when you agree, but every fiber of your being warns you that the consequences of your decision will follow you for the rest of your life.~~

~~It’s terrible, and you know something unspeakably foul will happen because of it, but the alternative is so completely unbearable you have to do it. You have to sacrifice something that’s dear to you to help somepony you… care for, knowing that the deal is imperfect, that something is now broken and might never be restored, and you tell yourself its all fine because at least they’re okay. At least they still have a future, no matter how terrible it might be.~~

~~We all make… sacrifices in our lives. Be it a job, or a treasured possession, or our souls, we will all be called up on to give up that which is most dear to us. That which we can’t live without, because… Because other ponies are worth it. I think we must be generous, and even in the face of those who seek to twist our generosity into something wicked, we must endure. We must not fall into selfish greed that devours all it touches, we must think always of our fellow ponies. I’ve always believed that, and this evening my principles were put to the test. I pray I lived up to them. Good night, Pony Vale. Good night.~~

~~***~~

~~An hour later, Rarity still sits behind her table, staring numbly at her blank scrying pool, hoping to see all the possible futures that might emerge from her choice. Lyra is long gone, and the lights to the studio are dim. She doesn’t hear the door open or the sound of hooves trotting on soft carpet. She barely registers when a pair of purple forelegs wrap around her neck and barrel. A voice whispers into her ear. “Rarity, I heard everything you said. I know, and it’s… Thank you.”~~

~~As soft fur nuzzles against her cheek, a small smile forms on Rarity’s lips. For a second, her doubt vanishes, and she allows herself to believe the trade was worth it.~~

Author's Note

Well, that's nearly a month of this project. Next week, we'll be celebrating with a special two parter "inspired" by Boast Busters. Hope you all enjoy it. Also, please feel free to leave a comment, I love reading them.

6. The Magician

“So,” Rarity says as she enters the room Twilight repurposed into her study, a red Santa Hooves hat sitting on Rarity’s head. “What do you want to do for Hearth’s Warming? I mean… What does the rest of Equestria do for Hearth’s Warming? Is there anything I can do to make your holidays feel more… special?”

Twilight rubs her head. “Actually…” She frowns. “I came here a month ago, right? Maybe two months, depending on how long I was… in the runing place?”

Rarity nods. “That sounds about right to me, why do you ask?”

“Because, according to you, I came here about two weeks after the Summer Sun Festival, so how is it already December?” Twilight says, glancing back to her notes. “This book mentions some distortions in the town’s magical field, which – I’m just quoting what the book says, not arguing that magic exists – could explain some temporal anomalies, but… is anypony else noticing this, or is it just me?”

“No,” Rarity says, tilting her head. “Now that you mention it, this summer was unseasonably short.” She reaches out towards one of Twilight’s books. “If you want, I can–”

“No!” Twilight yells, slamming her hoof down on the book Rarity reached towards. “No… It’s fine.” She laughs nervously. “I just… I know you have to get ready for your radio show, and I don’t want to bother you. I’ll be fine.”

Rarity frowns as she pulls her hoof back. “Are you sure, Twilight? You’ve been up here for the last week, and I really must insist you get out of this drab old room… I’ll even let you sit in on the show with me. Won’t that be fun?”

“Really?” Twilight asks, raising an eyebrow. “I thought you hated ponies sitting in while you broadcast.”

“That’s… very true,” Rarity says, giving Twilight a tiny smile. “However, there are a few extenuating circumstances. First, you’re… I don’t know, are we actually dating?”

“You’ll have to tell me,” Twilight says, her eyes drifting back to her books. Her beautiful, beautiful books. “I’ve never really dated before, but I definitely like you, so that’s something, right? Ooh. Maybe I should find some books in the library on dating so I can qualify our relationship.”

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Rarity says, draping a forehoof over Twilight’s shoulders, prompting Twilight to lean into her. “I’d prefer not to have… a repeat of last time.”

Twilight’s lips twist into a playful pout. “But you were so great last time. You saved my life.”

“Yes, but I’d prefer it if you didn’t put yourself in situations where your life needed saving. I’m not as…” Rarity gestures to Twilight’s horn, careful not to say the word. “Strong as you are.”

“Yeah, speaking of that, did you know the really old books talk about the town’s magic fields and possible effects of a unicorn tapping into them? If my horn wasn’t runed I could actually see it myself and maybe see just what’s wrong with this town,” Twilight says, enthusiastically gesturing at her books. Rarity just glares at her.

“Okay, I know you really like this town, but even you’ve admitted it’s kind of crazy,” Twilight hastily adds.

“That’s not what’s bothering me,” Rarity says, sighing. “What bothers me is that… Have you considered that, assuming magic is real, maybe our town forgot about it for a reason?”

“No! I mean… yes… I mean… Just looking at it can’t be that bad though, right?” Twilight says, frowning as she looks through her notes, not noticing as Rarity raises an eyebrow. “Look, maybe if we can just see what’s affecting the town’s magical field, we can fix it.”

“Can we please talk about this later, Twilight? You’re not going to do anything drastic today, are you?” Rarity asks, wearing a weary frown.

“Sure,” Twilight says, smiling as she nuzzles at Rarity’s neck. “Want me to help you put up your Hearth’s Warming decorations?”

Rarity laughs and strokes Twilight’s mane. “Twilight, I did that yesterday. I can’t believe you haven’t noticed yet.” She frowns. “Although, I suppose you wouldn’t since you’ve been cooped up in here so long. Spike’s fine, by the way.”

“Thanks for looking after him, I just… I don’t think he should be seeing some of these books, they’re kind of…”

“Disturbing?” Rarity fills in. “Most new knowledge is.”

“Right,” Twilight says, nodding and trying not to roll her eyes. A part of her wants to call Rarity out on the strange love-hate relationship she has with knowledge, but the other, greater, part of her wants to enjoy the sensation of leaning against her… marefriend. She decides the word is adequate for describing her relationship with Rarity. “So… Have anything special planned for Hearth’s Warming? Let me guess, this town’s Hearth’s Warming celebration involves making a sacrifice to some old god buried under the earth.”

Rarity laughs. “Don’t be ridiculous, Twilight, we celebrate Hearth’s Warming just like everypony else. We gather our friends and family, cook a lovely meal, close the curtains, and spend the night cowering in the basement hoping you didn't get put on Santa Hooves' naughty list.”

“Uh-huh,” Twilight says. “We definitely do those first two things, but…” Her ears perk up “Wait. You actually have a Santa Hooves?”

“Of course,” Rarity says. “Why wouldn’t we?”

“Huh… I’m just going to put that in my big pile of things to figure out later.” Twilight smiles up at Rarity. “You’re really okay with me sitting in on your show?”

Rarity nods. “Besides my… emotional attachment to a mare who is nothing short of perfect, I also have a decidedly more practical reason. If the radio station is going to be taken over by the town council, I’d prefer it if I had ponies I trusted fill the air time. I figure you can do a show on the sciences, and Lyra can talk about music, maybe showcase some local talents. I hear she’s friends with a rather popular DJ.”

“Are you sure?” Twilight asks, a tightness forming in her chest as she thinks about talking to hundreds of ponies.

“It’s just an idea,” Rarity says, stroking Twilight’s side until she feels the tension in her marefriend dissolve. “I just want you to think about it and I thought letting you be a… special guest co-host might help you get used to the idea.”

“I guess it can’t hurt,” Twilight says, leaning into Rarity’s soft fur. “So, are you doing anything special on the show to celebrate Hearth’s Warming Eve this month?”

Rarity just smiles at her. “Oh, I have something planned, but I suppose you’ll just have to listen to find out.”

***

An hour later, the two unicorns sit in the broadcast room. “The snow is falling around us, but science tells us that somewhere, in the deserts far to our south, the sun is bright and warm. Welcome to Pony Vale.”

***

Isn’t the snow lovely, listeners? Seeing it blanket the town is a perfect reminder that the holidays are coming. Speaking of which, have you done your holiday shopping yet? Remember, if you've been good this year, stock up on lots of things you don't care about for Santa Hooves to take, and if you've been bad... Well, nothing can save you from his gifts now.

Oh! Listeners, I have a special treat for you all today. The absolutely wonderful Twilight Sparkle is in the studio with me to discuss today’s news. I’m sure her commentary will be insightful and on point. Isn’t that right, Twilight?

Of course. I… You know, I’m just here to provide a… scientific perspective, I guess? Right? Is that okay? Sorry, do I have my own segment or?

No. Just… comment. Talk like we normally do, dear. You were absolutely fine the first time you guest hosted with me.”

Yeah, but… I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t thinking about talking to them, I was just talking with you.

Then do that, dear. Now, a bit of good news. The complaints about the old woman reciting the litany of our sins have plummeted to near-zero levels. She’s still there, still reciting the litany of our sins, but now most residents inhabiting the southern part of town have taken to complaining about the swarm of locusts coming from her mouth. Reports indicate that the locusts form a carpet on the ground that rises up to residents’ knees. While I’m sure the locusts will look absolutely lovely covered in snow, but I would advise residents going outside to cover their hooves. Digging dead insect matter out of your hooves is an absolutely dreadful way to spend an evening.

Twilight, how do you think the locust swarm will impact the holiday shopping season?

That’s… it? Your town has a swarm of locusts plaguing it and you’re first question is about how it will impact holiday shopping? Why don’t we try to figure out just how this old woman can vomit out an endless swarm of locusts while still managing to talk?

[Rarity laughs]

That’s my marefriend for you, always looking at how the little things work while the rest of us focus on the big picture. Why, I never considered just how the old woman could be creating all these locusts until my dear Twilight brought it up. She’s such a scientist at heart, that I’m afraid the secret lab miles under our town is going to try and take her away from me.

[Twilight sighs]

Please tell me that’s not an actual possibility.

[Several seconds of silence]

Oh! Listeners, I have more good news… Is it okay if I tell them, Twilight?

Fine.

Listeners, this is perhaps the greatest news to grace our town since most of the night howlers were banished: Twilight and I are dating.

[Rarity squeals]

I know, I can barely believe it myself, the last week has just felt like a dream come true, and… Oh, listeners, she’s blushing right now. She is so darling, right now, why I could just–

Alright, that’s enough, Rarity. Professionalism, right?

[Rarity clears her throat]

Yes, yes, I suppose you’re right. I can gush like a fanfilly off air. Right now, I must keep my mind on the news. Oh! A special report, a blue unicorn has been seen pulling a wagon into the town square and setting up a show. Reports indicate that she is a… Oh! She’s a travelling magician. Isn’t that delightful citizens?

Wait. I’m sorry, but I thought magic was illegal here. Isn’t that why you runed my horn in the first place?

Twilight, don’t be ridiculous. Magic isn’t illegal, it’s just not real.

And that makes a travelling magic show better?

Of course. If it doesn’t exist, then our travelling magician is clearly just a very talented illusionist here to take us away from the realities of a harsh unforgiving world by letting us believe a fun lie for a few hours. Actually, the fact that we have travelling magicians is just more proof that magic can’t exist.

What? That makes… no sense.

Doesn’t it? The rest of Equestria believes any unicorn can use magic, right?

Right...

So, if just anypony could use magic, why would you ever need a travelling magician? If magic was commonplace, why would anypony pay to see a magic show?

That’s… Ugh, I’m having a harder time arguing that than I should. Give me a minute.

Of course. In other news, there is now an empty lot in the heart of Pony Vale. Nopony’s really sure how it got there, or what – if anything – was there before it appeared, but citizens are thrilled. Space is limited in downtown Pony Vale, and this empty lot is sparking a bidding war between land developers. This piece of prime real estate is going fast, so if you’re interested in acquiring this empty lot for your own purposes, give your bid to town hall.

Since the lot was first found, several winged unicorns have been seen patrolling the area, looking for… something or someone. Are they seeking the past owner of the lot, or did they perhaps play a role in the lot’s appearance? As of now, we can only speculate, but I invite any of the Erikas to come on my show and discuss their interest in the empty lot. I promise this isn’t a ploy to capture you hatched by the town council.

I’ve got it! Most unicorns are only good at magic relating to their special talent, so a unicorn who can use a lot of spells is still a novelty, especially if that unicorn is good at… flashier spells.

I’m sorry, Twilight, but it sounds like you’re reaching for an explanation to me. Also, isn’t there something you’re forgetting?

[Whispering can be heard in the background]

Oh, right, me talking about magic is just a hypothetical “what-if” scenario. Obviously, magic isn’t real, and anypony who believes otherwise should head to one of the town’s rehabilitation clinics.

Remember, there’s no such thing as thought crime, just thoughts that don’t know better. If you’re having unruly thoughts, be sure to report to a rehabilitation clinic for proper education.

Listeners, if you’re interested in watching the show, the magician is setting up right in front of town hall. Be sure to bundle up before heading out though, it’s cold out there. Actually… No, it seems the area immediately around the town hall is in early autumn. While… unexpected, it’s certainly convenient. Maybe our travelling magician knows how to change the seasons.

Or maybe there’s something wrong with time in this town.

That’s true. Listeners, Twilight informed me of something interesting this afternoon. Did you know that the time between the summer solstice and the first of December was only about two months? It looks like winter came early this year.

[Twilight sighs]

Rarity, that’s… that’s not how it works.

What do you mean, dear?

When most ponies talk about winter coming early, they mean it got cold earlier than usual. They don’t mean that four months just vanished into thin air.

Oh. Well… Listeners, while I admit that several months just vanishing is certainly odd, is it really that unusual? We are constantly losing time. We wake up in the morning with so much planned to do, but the day just vanishes into nothing, like sand held in our hooves. The harder we try to hold onto it, the faster it slips away, leaving behind only memories of events we can never be sure actually happened.

Is the whole town missing four months really that unusual, or is it just our experience with the ephemeral nature of time writ large? I think it’s time for us to stop quantifying time, to stop trying to break it down into distinct measurable units and instead use what seconds we’re allotted to make as many memories as we can.

Wow, Rarity, that’s a… that’s a beautiful sentiment. It doesn’t really help explain why we lost a few months, but… I’m definitely up for enjoying our allotted seconds after the show’s over.

[Rarity coughs]

Well, listeners, I’m sorely tempted to cut to weather, but there’s is still news to cover, and I am nothing if not a professional.

[Silence]

Twilight, if you’re going to nibble on my ear, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave the broadcast room.

I’m… sorry, I don’t know what got into me. It’s… I’d never dream of doing something like that in public, or on-air, or… I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

It’s fine, Twilight, I struggle with such thoughts on a daily basis, and I understand that we all occasionally lose control. Just… try to keep such lovely acts of affection out of the broadcast room.

I don’t think it was an act of affection, though.

Anyways… The magician is starting her show. She’s addressing the audience and saying “For one night only, let your guest, the humble Trixie, regale you with stories of magic and valor from a world long vanished.” Oh! Listeners, she pulled a bouquet of flowers out of thin air. That is absolutely… Twilight, how do you think she pulled that off?

I don’t know, Rarity, I want to say it’s magic, but that can’t be it because magic isn’t real. So probably… Science?

[Rarity laughs]

Twilight, that’s ridiculous… You can’t just do things with science, it’s not some cure all that resolves all our problems. It’s a way of understanding the world and our place in it. Science can allow us to understand the optical tricks an illusionist can use to exploit her audience, but to understand the actual sleight-of-hoof they use… I’m afraid we’re simply left to ask and wonder.

[Twilight growls]

Of course, you are.

Listeners, you really should head down to the town square, this magician is… Well, I have no idea how she does these tricks.

Wait! She’s a unicorn. An unruned unicorn. Doesn’t that mean you should… you know.

That is a… very good question. We certainly should, but the siren’s aren’t blaring, in fact… Listeners, a letter from the town council just materialized in front of me. I’m glancing obliquely at it, careful not to look directly at it lest I risk my mind being ripped to shreds, and… let’s see… Oh! The town council just passed a new law. It seems unruned unicorns will be allowed to stay in our town for a period not exceeding seventy-two hours. Isn’t that–

Are you kidding me?! I wander into town, and twenty minutes later, I’m in some underground bunker having… things carved into my horn, but this magician comes in with a magic show and the town passes a special law so she can perform? I…

I can use this. If she’s unruned, then… I have to go.

Twilight, don’t you want to–

[A door shuts]

Oh well, It looks like it’s just you and me, listeners. How are you?

[Silence]

I am wonderful, and thank you for asking. Twilight is, of course, a dear, even if she’s… a bit fussy when it comes to certain subjects, but… Oh, listeners, beyond that, I can’t find a thing to complain about, she’s just so charming and sweet and… Listeners, you might have figured some of this out from our conversations on air, but she’s incredibly passionate. Talking with her is like talking with a beautiful enticing forest fire, and… Right, the news.

Applejack, you know, the farmer has reported seeing a cloud of gathering darkness on the edge of her farm. It doesn’t seem to do anything, and when she walked into it, nothing happened, so… it seems harmless. However, it is growing, so if you’re heading out to the edge of her orchard, be sure to use caution. I don’t think I need to recount what happened the last time a cloud of animate madness cloaked our town.

Oh! The magician just transformed two colts into rabbits. This… She is an absolute wonder to watch, not as wonderful as my Twilight, of course, but still, watching her and I can almost imagine magic being real. I hope she does a repeat performance so I can see her in person. She is now bowing before the audience and announcing her plan to take a short break before continuing the show, claiming she needs to recover her mystical powers. Listeners, if I were you, I’d head to the town hall as quickly as possible. Why, even my Twilight is heading to the show.

And now, listeners, the weather.

***

“Excuse me,” Twilight says, a saddle protecting her from the frigid winter. “Can you help me out with something?”

“Of course,” Trixie says, turning around to look at Twilight and smiling. “What can I do to help you? I might not be the most magically adept mare in the world, but I’ll do what I can to help.”

“Well, I was wondering if you could… Look at the town’s magical field. I would but…” Twilight gestures to the runes on her horn.

Trixie’s face turns a pale shade of green as she notices the runes etched along the length of Twilight’s horn. “Are you telling Trix– Telling me that you can’t…”

“It takes forever for me to get the energy needed to cast anything beyond a basic levitation cantrip, and I can’t check magical auras at all, so if you could do it for me and tell me what you see, I’d really appreciate it,” Twilight says.

“I…” Trixie slowly regains her composure. “I’d be happy to, just... “ Her horn lights up and she closes her eyes. She winces. “It’s wrong.”

“What is?” Twilight asks, pulling a pen and notepad out.

“The magic field,” Trixie says, struggling to keep the disgust out of her voice. “It’s… I’m not even looking at it yet, and it’s already wrong. Too oily and slimy, like…” She opens her eyes and looks around, eyes glowing. “There’s a snarl here. Right in the heart of town. Ley lines have been ripped out of their natural positions and twisted around each other, and it all leads… If I could just reach out and touch it–” The energy in her eyes vanishes and she glares at Twilight. “Begone.”

Twilight takes a step back from the mare. “Excuse me?”

“You heard Trixie, she doesn’t have the time to waste on broken worms like you, when she can instead wrap the arcane around her hooves and break the world to her will.”

Panic and bile rise in Twilight’s throat. “Trixie… Please, tell me what you saw.”

Trixie laughs. “Something an insect like you could never understand. No, only a pony as great and powerful as Trixie could see the power shaping creation and return unscathed. Only Trixie could see his face and not cower in fear! If this town wants to see magic, then Trixie will give it a show they’ll never forget. Now, begone.”

The world around Twilight jerks around her, dissolving into a mass of swirling colors that reform into Twilight’s room at Rarity’s. Twilight lurches forward as the world spins around her. “Rarity!” she yells, opening the door to the broadcast room. “You need to get on air right now. I think… I did something really bad.”

Rarity smiles at her. “Twilight, it couldn’t have been that terrible.” She points at her scrying pool. “Look everypony’s having a wonderful time at the town square and the magician… Trixie, I think her name is, is about to resume the show. Oh, I wonder what her next trick will be.”

“That’s the problem,” Twilight says. “I… I asked her to look at the town’s magical field for me, and… Rarity, you’re right, I shouldn’t have looked. I think it drove Trixie crazy.”

The blood drains from Rarity’s face as she turns to look at her microphone. “Oh dear. Lyra, I need to go live now.”

“Right away, boss,” Lyra says as she flips the switches on her control board. “You’re live in 3… 2… 1.”

***

[Emergency sirens blare]

Listeners! An emergency update. Get away from the town hall as quickly as possible. We have reason to believe that… As of now, the magician should be considered contaminated by a foreign presence. Get away from her as quickly as possible. Return to your homes as quickly as possible. Trixie, the magician is has taken the stage and is currently extolling her great magical prowess. Now… she is promising a finale which we will not believe, and I fear it’s not something any sane mind should witness.

A black viscous energy is surrounding her horn, and a gateway to places unknown is forming in the town center. Trixie is beseeching for… something to emerge from it. I am receiving a special report from the town council saying that their recent decision to allow unruned unicorns access to our town for seventy-two hours has been overturned. So… That’s a bit of good news, I suppose.

Something is… oozing from the portal, and– Listeners, I cannot bear to look at it. The very sight of its hideous fleshy mass tears at my mind, and its million eyes pierce my soul. Listeners, do not, under any circumstances, look at the creature. This is the highest-priority emergency. Stay inside until the all clear is sounded. Do not attempt to reach your loved ones. Activate your emergency wards and get your cyanide pills at the ready. Death is certainly a preferable alternative to whatever horrors this thing plans to inflict on us. We are experiencing some disturbances at the station. My radio equipment is warping, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep broadcasting.

Until I can broadcast further, good night, Pony Vale. Good night.

***

That night, Twilight paces alone in her study as ponies’ screams in the background are punctuated by the occasional boom of an explosion. It’s my fault, she thinks to herself. I just… Rarity warned me not to look into this, but what did I do? I ignored her and now there’s this monster, and… It’s all my fault.

She collapses onto the floor, tears forming in her eyes. Ponies are dying, Rarity probably hates me, and… She spots her notes on magic in Pony Vale. Magic. It… It failed me. Her eyes narrow as she floats her notes towards her. No. it betrayed me. None of this would have happened if it wasn’t for magic. The papers burst into flame, leaving only ashes as Twilight gets to her hooves. She catches sight of herself in the mirror and sighs.

But I’m the element of magic. What am I supposed to do without it? Twilight asks herself as she looks around the room, before her eyes rest on a book sitting on her desk.

Reinvent yourself. If Rarity can be a radio host, and Pinkie Pie can be… Whatever Pinkie Pie is, then who’s to say Twilight Sparkle can’t be… Twilight floats the book over to her and reads the title.

A scientist.

Author's Note

And that's the first of our Christmas Hearth's Warming episodes. We've got Old Gods, Santa Hooves, and who knows what other perfectly normal Hearth's Warming paraphernalia. Speaking of Old Gods, I'm taking a break from brony music for the weather and instead posting perfectly normal public-domain Christmas carols. I... don't think I should get into trouble for this, because the base songs are public domain. Even if I do, fans of the story or the Lovecraft mythos in general should totally check out the Lovecraft Historical Society's Christmas Albums.

Also, I've set up a few recurrent plot narratives in the story, some which will be paying off soon and others that are going to take several "seasons" to pay off. Care for some rampant speculation about what they are and how they'll shake out?

7. The Scientist

“Twilight, what are you doing now?” Rarity asks, following her marefriend upstairs as Twilight carries the sonic rifle up to her room. “You know, that object has a great deal of sentimental value to me.”

“I know,” Twilight says, opening the door to her room. “But I need it if I’m going to save the town.”

Rarity rolls her eyes before glancing at the solid fleshy mass that’s formed around her house. “I highly doubt the sonic rifle’s going to have any effect against… that thing.”

“Absolutely not. Well… probably not,” Twilight says as she places the sonic rifle on her work desk and opens up its chassis. “Even if we can find a sonic frequency that hurts it, I won’t be able to effectively modify the sonic rifle in the field. I guess we could make the modifications for future raids, but I’d prefer it if we didn’t alter this version too much.” Twilight pulls a microphone from her workbench and works to connect it with the sonic rifle.

“So then… what’s your plan, Twilight? Is there anything I can do to help?” Rarity asks, frowning as she steps forward to observe Twilight’s modifications to her rifle. Rarity tries to decide if she’s happy or annoyed that her marefriend could already modify her inventions… at least, the simpler ones.

“I’d tell you, but… It’s kind of morally ambiguous, and I’d prefer it if nopony knew this type of thing is possible.” Twilight gives Rarity a tiny smile before kissing Rarity on the cheek. “You know I’d tell you if I could, but… what I’m about to do to Trixie is probably the worst thing I’ve ever done. I wouldn’t even have considered it before coming to this town, but… if the choice is save the town or not do this, I’m going to save the town.”

Rarity smiles at Twilight, hoping the mare finds it comforting. “You don’t have to save the town, dear. Hardly anypony’s died since the first wave of shellings stopped, and I’m sure that, in time, our town can learn to live with its newest resident.”

“It’s a monster, whose image tears at our psyches, I don’t think peaceful resolution is really an option here. Do you have the program?” Twilight asks as she finishes soldering her attachments to the sonic rifle.

“I do.” Rarity nods. “It’s in the control room waiting to be broadcast. I’m not sure why you want me to mask it with the news, though.”

“Because, I don’t know if… it can hear the radio, so I want everything to sound normal. Besides… Well, this is probably going to sound really dumb, but…” Twilight trails off.

“But what, dear?” Rarity asks, tilting her head.

“Two things, and you’re probably going to think they’re both pretty silly.”

“Never,” Rarity says, stroking Twilight’s mane. “Twilight Sparkle, you are one of the smartest mares I know. Yes, you might subscribe to some… outmoded ideas, but your mind is as sharp as any I’ve ever seen. Now, what is it?”

A faint blush creeps onto Twilight’s cheeks. “Well, it’s just, when I’m out on the streets of Pony Vale, it makes me feel better to hear you constantly talking in the back of my head. It makes me feel less alone to have your voice with me.”

The blush spreads to Rarity’s cheeks as well, and there’s a long silence as the two draw together and kiss, their lips forming a vacuum-tight seal. Several seconds later, the kiss ends and the silence breaks. “Right…” Twilight says after giving a nervous giggle. “The second thing is… This is going to sound crazy, but I noticed important things always seem to happen when you’re broadcasting. Not always, but… there are certain shows where I have this feeling in my gut… like the eyes of the world are watching us, or… It’s crazy, I know, but I guess I feel like if you do the show tonight, something will happen. That’s probably crazy, right?”

Rarity laughs and kisses Twilight on the cheek. “No, Twilight, that’s a hypothesis. You have a theory, so… let’s test it, shall we? I’ll go take my place in the control booth.” She takes a few steps towards the door before pausing and turning around.

“Before I go though, I made a little… surprise for you.” Rarity’s horn lights up and a dresser drawer opens, revealing a white coat inside. “Now, I’m not the best when it comes to coat-making, but I managed to make you your very own labcoat.” Rarity floats it out of the dresser and unfolds it, revealing a six-sided star stitched over where the flank would be. “If my marefriend’s going to be a scientist, I’m going to be sure she looks the part… Besides, I’ve always had a softness for mares in lab coats.”

“You want me to wear it during bedtime, don’t you?” Twilight asks as she grabs the coat with her own telekinetic field, bringing it to her for inspection.

Rarity nods. “That would be delightful, but that’s completely up to you, dear.”

Twilight smiles and leans in to kiss Rarity. “Well, it’s perfect,” she says. “I promise I’ll wear it for you after I get back.” She gives Rarity another kiss on the cheek. “Now, I need to get the rest of my stuff organized, tell Spike goodbye, and try to get enough energy to teleport outside the house. I think you have to get ready too.”

Rarity nods and gives her marefriend one final kiss. “I have the news and the ever updating list of town casualties the council sent me, dear, just… try to be safe out there. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened.”

“Don’t worry,” Twilight says as she puts the remainder of her equipment in her saddlebags. “I have you to watch after me.”

Rarity sighs as she trots to the empty control room. It had been years since she’d had to do a show solo, and… Rarity frowns as she looks at her scrying pool perched over one of the soundboards. This can only end well.

She flips a few switches in her control booth. “If somepony… Anypony out there is listening, send help. Send everything you have. Welcome to Pony Vale.”

***

[Emergency distress signal beeping in the background]

Well, everypony, it’s been over a week since the horror from beyond the stars first appeared in our sleepy town. I’m proud to say that it’s been over twenty-four hours since somepony died, or – let me check the scrying pool here – Whoops! Make that zero hours. My apologies and sympathies also go out to the family and loved ones of Quick Tinker. He will be missed.

I have, in my hooves, a list of those lost during the attack and would now like to take a moment to mourn those lost: Thunder Locket was tragically slain by a friendly artillery strike. My sympathies go out to his family and loved ones. He will be missed. Ebony Game was tragically slain by a friendly artillery strike. My sympathies go out to his family and loved ones. Shuffling Saddle was tragically slain by a friendly artillery strike. My sympathies… You know the rest.

Was there anypony who wasn’t killed by a friendly artillery strike? Bronze Amethyst: artillery strike. Quick Shield: artillery strike and also apparently not as quick with his shield as his name might otherwise indicate. Cursed Pauldron, artillery strike. Bubbly Tomato: artillery strike. Crystal Glacier: artillery strike. Honey Shield: artillery strike. Tomato Nectar, Mocha Metal, Apple Ire, Amethyst Sapphire, Lightning Fluff, and Lucky Chance – Really, Lucky Chance? – were all slain by friendly artillery strikes.

It goes on like this for several pages and…

[Papers shuffle in the background]

Oh! Listeners, it seems all the inmates in the Pony Vale correctional facility were slain by a friendly artillery strike. Actually, the report here indicates that it was a barrage of friendly artillery strikes. Oh! Here’s a pony who didn’t die from an artillery strike: Titanium Assault, the pony in charge of Pony Vale’s Artillery Brigade, tragically tripped and cracked his head on one of our cannons when fighting started.

Well, listeners, I’m three pages in and so far, I’m seeing zero deaths attributable to the rampaging horror from beyond time and space, and instead, the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade has been responsible for all fatalities since the start of hostilities. If I may be allowed to editorialize, I think we might want to consider rethinking how many acceptable losses inflicted by the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade we’re willing to toler–

Pardon me, my scrying pool is showing images of the artillery program adjusting sights to target my house, so… You know, the artillery program is the greatest defense our town has, and it would be foolishly short-sighted of us to question their efficacy due to a small number of unavoidable civilian deaths. Besides, they blew up a prison, so… really, it was a public service.

Here’s a death that isn’t related to the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade. A large number of ponies living in the south side of town were killed by a horde of angry locusts. An even larger number of ponies living in the south side of were killed by retaliatory artillery strikes. Of course they were. So, the final tally is zero deaths caused by the horror beyond space and time, thirty death resulting from a plague of angry locusts, and nearly a thousand resulting from… collateral damage, most of whom were inmates at the Pony Vale correctional facility. I can sleep soundly at night knowing there are such dedicated civil servants defending our town.

On to news less likely to cause my house to explode, I realize a majority of my listeners have been trapped inside their house for the past week after strange fleshy growths enveloped our town, and those who were trapped outside probably aren’t listening to this broadcast. Some of you might be wondering what the world outside looks like, so allow me to serve as your eyes.

As some of you might have gathered, every building still standing is enveloped in the strange fleshy growth that is presumably related to the… entity that’s currently calling our sleepy town home. However, a great number of buildings have been blown to tiny pieces thanks to Pony Vale’s acceptable collateral program. Do you remember the open lot that was causing such a big stir last week? Well, now we have several dozen more to bid on. I’m sure we’ll have quite the bidding war once we’re able to leave our houses.

At the first sign of trouble, Sugarcube Corner twisted out of this reality, leaving behind only a shadow to mark its location. I’m sure once this trouble settles, our town’s… favorite bakery will be back open for business. Please remember: Do not step hoof inside Sugarcube Corner. There are ponies out there who care about you and would miss you terribly if you stepped inside. If at some point, you feel so lost that the only thing you can do is step inside Sugarcube Corner, just remember, it’s effectively suicide.

However, most traditional forms of suicide have the advantage of being substantially less painful than whatever horrors are sure to be inflicted upon you inside Sugarcube Corner. Plus, traditional forms of suicide leave a body behind for your loved ones to bury or consume as they see fit. Remember, you always have options that are infinitely better than walking into Sugarcube Corner.

Let’s see… Oh! A bubble of light has surrounded Fluttershy’s cottage out near the Everfree, making it the only currently standing structure to not be covered by the fleshy mass. Well, isn’t that good news? If you’re still outside and having trouble finding shelter, head over to Fluttershy’s cottage. I’m not sure if they’ll actually let you in, but your odds have to be better there than they are in the middle of a town besieged by both a mind-shattering horror and dedicated civil servants intent on bombing everything but said mind-shattering horror.

Also, if there are any dedicated citizens trying to save our town, you should know the artillery bank is on the hill just south of town, that the guard changes at roughly 6:00 every evening, approximately five minutes from now, and that the paste in your saddlebags can be used to permanently disable the trigger mechanism used by the artillery. Obviously, you should know this so you don’t accidentally act on that information.

One last note on the artillery operators, they are currently aiming their guns in the direction of my house, so I will stop talking about them entirely, and hope that’s enough to appease them. If not, I predict this broadcast will be going quiet in just a few minutes…

Listeners, do you remember the magician who first brought this nighmarish horror to our town? Well, she’s still here, and she is still practicing magic. Not real magic, of course, but her horn’s lighting up and the world around her is slowly reshaping itself to her whims. You know, stage magic. If you feel like watching one of her shows after thanking thePony Vale Artillery Brigade for their outstanding service, she is next to the smoking remains of town hall. Luckily, the town council is safe and sound in their emergency monster-invasion bunker complete with… spa service and a pool. I know I will sleep soundly tonight knowing they are living safely in the lap of luxury.

Oh… This is interesting, my radio receiver is… well, receiving a message. Let’s see… I’m supposed to read the message directly and without alteration or risk being fired upon by the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade as “collateral” damage. Well, when faced with an offer as lovely as that, how could I possibly refuse?

“It has been made clear over the past week that the town council is grossly unprepared to deal with potential threats to Pony Vale. A hundred ponies were bombed by a group of rogue cannoneers and the town council’s only response was to request that the rogue cannoneers bomb the local prison. Clearly, the town council is exploiting this tragedy for their own personal gain, and doing nothing to check the growing power of neither the rogue cannoneers nor the horror from beyond space and time.

“Therefore, it falls to us, the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade, to restore order in this town. Any adherents to the old order risk being bombed by the rogue cannoneers. Also, we call upon Rarity to use her scrying pool to find the location of the town council’s secret bunker. If she doesn’t comply in ten minutes, she’ll be considered an enemy of the people and we will have… no choice… but to open… fire.”

Well, listeners, it seems I’m in quite the conundrum. I certainly don’t want these rogue cannoneers, located on the big hill out of town, to open fire on me so… Of course, my marefriend Twilight Sparkle is using the scrying pool to locate the council’s secret bunker, and as soon as we know its location, we’ll send that right over to you. Twilight, I hope you know what you’re doing.

[Sounds of papers shuffling]

Oh, listeners, I have some good non-threatening news. The Church of Edax Terra says that the final prophecy has come to pass. Now, I’m not a member of Edax Terra or completely familiar with their beliefs, but I feel this is great news. This holiday season’s been consumed by talk of artillery strikes and horrors from beyond our understanding, so it’s nice to see a group of people remembering what Hearth’s Warming’s all about: The fulfillment of obscure life-changing prophecy, and of course, spending time with loved while fulfilling those prophecies.

Speaking of prophecies, it’s time for us to talk about just what’s coming up this week, assuming we are ever able to leave our homes: Thursday, the school is having its annual bake sale in… Well, they can’t have it there, that building was absolutely levelled. I guess we’d be having at… No, the town park is covered in rubble and it’s the middle of winter, so… Thursday, the school will be having its annual bake sale at a location to be decided later. Assuming we can even go outside.

Friday, the Church of Edax Terra will be celebrating the season by… burying a pony alive. Well, I’m not sure why they’d want to do that or what it would accomplish, but who am I to judge other ponies? Certainly, my Hearth’s Warming tradition of spending an evening with friends and loved ones is… peculiar to most ponies in this town, and I’m certainly not going to judge others for how they want to spend the most wonderful time of the year.

Saturday, we will be holding the annual burning of the Hearth’s Warming tree. However, the bombardment by rogue cannoneers has already turned the tree into a pile of ash. Oh well, I suppose our small town can be forgiven for moving the festivities up a few days earlier than planned. With our hectic schedules, we can never be sure of tomorrow, and while burning the tree with all of our friends and family would have been a wonderful opportunity to make memories we can treasure in our darkest days… At least the tree burned, isn’t that the important thing?

Sunday– Oh, it seems I’m receiving a message from our friends in the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade. Apparently somepony’s attacking them and… Oh, dear, listeners, the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade is under fire. They’re ordering me to use my scrying pool to reveal the identity of the attacker and help in their defeat, otherwise I will be fired upon immediately.

[Rarity laughs]

Well, I can help with one of those things. The pony who’s, to use your words, “tearing our base apart” is my marefriend, the wonderful lovely scientist, Twilight Sparkle, and if I were you, I’d pray she’s kinder than I am to ponies who bomb my home town, you monsters. I hope she leaves some of you alive just so the weather team can get their hooves on you. Did you hear that–

[A dull thud can be heard in the distance]

It appears I spoke too soon. There are several mortar rounds heading towards my house as I speak. Listeners, it has been an honor to give you the news these last few years and to preserve a slice of life in our town for future generation to listen. Twilight, I lo–

***

Three more.

Twilight yells loud enough to drown out the sound of explosions in the distance as she drives a jagged piece of metal into an artillery pony’s hoof. Only three more cannons to disable. If she had just a few more minutes– No, a few more seconds, everything would’ve been fine.

But she didn’t.

She is too slow, too weak, and now three cannons were smoking and in the back of her head there was… dead air where her marefriend’s voice should be. Dead air and pain and anger. A dam inside her head is breaking, and something black and viscous and filled with a primal wrath is surging forth.

Twilight looks at the three cannons that stand as monument to her failure and the black tide consumes her. She reaches out with her rage and grabs the cannons, lifting them into the air and mashing them together, warping and bending the steel and iron like puddy. An ancient animal in her demands she do the same thing to the ponies who killed Rarity.

But they could be made useful, another voice whispers.Don’t discard tools when you can use them. Drain them like marrow drained from a bone.

Twilight’s eye twitches as she reaches a decision. “Alright!” she yells. “Anypony who doesn’t want to be added to the pile of metal floating over your heads, drop your weapons right now and bend the knee.”

The sound of weapons clattering fills the air as the remainder of the Brigade drops their weapons. Above her head, the winged unicorns circle around, slowly descending towards the encampment.

“Alright,” Twilight yells, waving her modified sonic rifle around and flinging the ball of twisted metal to the ground for emphasis. “Anypony who doesn’t want to get a taste of my freeze ray needs to head over to that tent right there,” she bluffs before pointing to one of the few tents still left standing as a familiar hum springs to life in the back of Twilight’s head. She’s alive. Twilight struggles to contain her smile as she looks at her fresh new prisoners. “And could somepony take me to your radio transmitter?”

***

Well, listeners, I’m glad to be back here with you. Several seconds before the mortars hit, a group of winged unicorns flew between my house and the mortars and constructed a shield of white energy around my house to shield me. Unfortunately, the shield had the side effect of cutting off my ability to broadcast, so… I apologize for any unfounded worries.

Thankfully, once the remaining artillery were destroyed, my guardian angels lowered the shield, and so, here I am, back with an enthusiasm that comes only from cheating death. Twilight, I’m absolutely fine, so don’t worry. Also, thank you, seeing you threaten to turn the entire Pony Vale Artillery Brigade into a ball of flesh and steel really makes a mare feel loved. I suppose we should talk about this more at home, or at least wait until we can properly communicate.

[Cackling of a radio in the background]

I can do that right now

What, Twilight? You’re on the radio, how?

Well, I’m taking the transmitter they used to broadcast to you and just… broadcasting. For the next few minutes, Pony Vale has twice as many radio station.

Twilight, are you alright? I saw your fight with my scrying orb, but… I just want to make sure.

Rarity, I’m fine. I should be asking you the same question. You were the one who almost got blown up, after all.

[Rarity laughs slightly]

Yes, I suppose you have a point there, darling. I have to say, you did a wonderful job improvising once it became clear the PVAB was a greater threat to Pony Vale than the horror sitting in the center of our town.

Give yourself some credit, Rarity, you told me what I needed to do and kept the Artillery Brigade distracted until I could make my attack. You almost died to save this town, and you’re treating it like it’s no big deal… We really need to have a talk soon.

Agreed, Twilight. Also, I’m afraid our original target has retreated into her own pocket dimension. Apparently something in our conversation startled her.

Right, because she can hear all this.

[Twilight sighs]

So, dear, what’s the plan? I feel having you charge off into… whatever place Trixie currently calls home is something of a bad idea at the moment.

Well, right now I’m having the winged unicorns who just showed up guard my prisoners while I make some necklaces, and then I’m going to have the bomb squad cut some ponies free from their houses. I’m thinking we’ll start with the weather team and work from there.

Bomb squad?

[Twilight gives something that’s a cross between a giggle and a mad cackle]

Right, well… you know how those ponies almost killed you? Well, for payback, I’m fashioning small mortar rounds to radio activated collars. It’s… It’s going to take a while, but once I have them ready, I can turn the remains of the PVAB into something useful, or if you want, I can give you the radio frequencies the collars trigger at and let you get some revenge. Ooh! If we get one of these artilleries repaired, we can actually shell the monster instead of attacking literally everything else.

That sounds… I’m glad you’re my marefriend and not my enemy.

Me too. Anyways, I’m going to get a sample of some of this weird fleshy growth and hit it with everything in the radio spectrum to see what happens. I’ll be back tonight, but until then… I love you.

[Rarity giggles]

Did you hear that, listeners? She said–

[Rarity clears her throat]

I mean, I love you too, and I can’t wait for you to get back home. Until then, good night, Pony Vale. Good night.

Author's Note

First thing's first, TheIfOfZ (Capitalization mine) recently published a blog reviewing this little fic. If you want to read his thoughts on my story or read a comment of mine that serves as a little behind-the-scenes commentary, click here.

Also, some of you might think the romance between Rarity and Twilight feels a little rushed. Don't worry, there is an... explanation coming down the pipe that fits with the nature of Pony Vale.

Finally, I love it when Rarity's being forced to deliver bad news in a good way. She's just so perfect at staying positive while making her disdain known.

8. The Monster

Rarity trots downstairs, glancing at the clipboard floating next to her. “Twilight, it’s Hearth’s Warming Eve, are you sure we should do this today of all days? We should be spending today with those we hold dear, not fighting for our lives against some horror from beyond time and space. Besides, maybe we’ll get lucky and Santa Hooves will just take the monster away.” In the living room, Twilight examines two devices, one long and jagged, and the other short and blunt.

“That’s exactly why we should do it today,” Twilight says checking the reading on the short blunt device. “I want to get you the perfect Hearth’s Warming gift, and there’s nothing better than a monster-free town. Besides, the EM Mk. I is fully charged so I really have to get this done in the next four hours unless I want to spend the next two days recharging the energy crystals.”

“I know,” Rarity says, sighing and trotting the rest of the way downstairs to kiss her marefriend, savoring the warmth of Twilight’s breath on her neck. “Still, you can’t blame me for wanting my marefriend safe by my side on Hearth’s Warming Eve instead of leading a battle against… that thing.”

Twilight kisses Rarity’s cheek. “Don’t worry, I’ve got the modified sonic rifle and the Energy Manipulator Mk. I. I’ll be back in time for Hearth’s Warming dinner..”

“Yes, actually, I’ve been meaning to ask you about the EM Mk. I for a while. How exactly did you manage to build a device that can so deftly manipulate this town’s… energy fields in less than a week,” Rarity asks.

“Well, it’s not that good yet,” Twilight says, adjusting one of the dials on it. “Sure, it can form a psychic connection with the unicorn using it and tap into the world’s ambient energy fields without risking… contamination, but I still can’t get any real observable data to see what’s wrong with this town’s energy fields. I just have Trixie’s report to work off of.”

Rarity frowns. “Twilight, darling, that’s… really quite impressive. How did you come up with this again?”

Twilight’s right eye twitches. “I… I don’t know. They just come to me, the ideas come in from the tip of my horn, trickle down inside my head, and if I ever need a book, I can always find it somewhere in my room.”

“Yes,” Rarity says, glancing up in the direction of Twilight’s room. “You’re room’s turned into quite the little library, hasn’t it? Amazing you were able to take so many during your one trip to the library.”

“I guess I’m just lucky,” Twilight says, smiling at Rarity. “Without all those books, there’s no way I could’ve modified your sonic rifle or made the Energy Manipulator, or anything…” The beeping of the EM Mk. I draws her attention back to it. “Anyways, I’ve really got to get going.” She stops and kisses Rarity on the cheek. “And you should get going too, Pony Vale needs somepony to be the voice of the revolution. Besides, where would I be without your voice in the back of my head?”

“That’s a very good question,” Rarity says, struggling to keep a frown from forming on her face. “Promise me we’ll talk after all this is said and done?”

“Of course,” Twilight says, pricking her hoof with a needle and pressing the bleeding hoof against the bloodstone doors. “But I’ve really got to get going, so…”

“Good luck,” Rarity says, as her marefriend trots out into the snow-covered streets of Pony Vale. She frowns as the door rolls shut. “I very much fear we’ll both need it.” She glances back at her clipboard and yells. “Lyra, is everything almost ready?”

“Just a few more minutes,” Lyra yells from the control booth as Rarity trots upstairs. “Getting this thing rigged to send out a pulse at… 327 MHz like Twilight wants is kind of tricky. It’s a way higher frequency than–”

“I know,” Rarity says interrupting Lyra as she reaches the top of the stairs. “I designed this station, you don’t need to tell me what it can and can’t do.”

“Geeze, sorry,” Lyra says, peeking her head out from the control booth. “No need to bite my head off.”

Rarity sits down at her spot in the broadcast room and sighs, floating her cup of tea towards her. “I know, Lyra, I’m just… Something tells me I should be worried about Twilight.”

“Well, yeah, she’s going off to fight a blob monster and that crazy stage magician. If Bon-Bon was in her shoes, I’d be worried too. That’s like… Super crazy,” Lyra says, ducking back under the control panel. “Still, she took out the PVAB, I bet she can handle one measly horror from beyond space and time. Oh… and a crazy magician.”

“That’s… actually not what I was worried about,” Rarity says, her frown deepening. “Although, yes, now that you mention it, I should be worried about that as well. Thank you for reminding me.”

“Alright then, what are you worried about? That the scientists in the secret lab under the town will force her to join them? Because I’m pretty sure they abduct entire families when they’re recruiting so… Hey, you’ll get to live in a super-secret lab under Pony Vale if you want to.”

“Again, not what I was worried about, it’s just... “ Rarity rubs her forehead. “Have you seen the number of books in Twilight’s room? I know she didn’t bring that many with her from the library, so where are they coming from? And when she sleeps at night… I swear she whispers things just a bit too quiet for me to really hear. Also... “ Rarity pauses as her stomach drops out from beneath her. “What happened to her lizard pet, and why hasn’t Twilight noticed? Why hasn’t anypony noticed? Why can’t I remember anything about it?”

“Yeah,” Lyra says, getting out from under the control panel. “What was up with that thing? Like, I remember it trotting around here for a few weeks, but now… Totally just gone. Weird, right?”

Rarity sighs. “Yes, dear, the word ‘weird’ isn’t exactly what I’d use, but it’s certainly accurate. Oh, Twilight will simply kill me if some alien horror ate it while I wasn’t looking. Maybe… Hopefully she won’t notice it’s gone while we find it.”

“How long do you think that will take?” Lyra asks, flipping a few switches on the control panel. “Because, we’re kind of on a tight schedule right now. Twilight wants you on air to… You know, rally the troops and keep an eye on the situation.”

“I wasn’t suggesting we do it now, just… we need to do it soon. Preferably after we’ve saved the town from the thing. Now then, shall we?” Rarity says, taking one last sip of her tea and placing her clipboard of news next to her microphone as the on-air light flips on.

“Citizens, arise. Today, we take back our town. Today, we take a stand against the horrors that plague us. Today, we are victorious! Welcome to Pony Vale.”

***

[Fanfare plays in the background]

Everypony, our weeks of being subjugated by the horror from beyond space and time are at an end. Today, we force it to leave our fair townand take revenge against the stage magician who summoned it. Today, my wonderful perfect marefriend Twilight Sparkle leads us to triumph against adversity. Citizens, emerge from your houses and head towards Artillery Hill. We need as many ponies as we can in this fight, and unlike the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade, my marefriend is actually concerned about collateral damage. Evacuate town as quickly as you can, and take care not to look directly at the horror beyond time and space. It’s visage is hazardous to most ponies’ health.

Citizens, I must tell you, the recently renamed Artillery Hill is a marvel to behold. The artillery emplacements have been fortified, and the weather team has restationed there after Twilight and her bomb squad freed them from their bunker.

Speaking of the bomb squad, if you lost somepony to the PVAB, you can redeem three punches that are good against any member of the bomb squad. This offer does not stack if you lost multiple ponies to the PVAB’s bombardment, so use those three punches carefully. The town council will supply the names of the PVAB’s leadership when the council emerges from its bunker/resort, so I would suggest we all redeem those punches against the ponies at the top. I would also recommend we also redeem these punches all at once in a public place, perhaps Jubilee Park?

Also, if any vengeful family members have any radio equipment just… laying around, try not to broadcast at the 2400 MHz range as that will cause the bomb collars fashioned to the members of the bomb squad’s necks to detonate, and we wouldn’t want that to happen. Also, on a completely unrelated note, the members of the bomb squad have had their citizenship revoked by the town council, so if something terribly tragic were to happen to them, it wouldn’t be a crime in the eyes of the Pony Vale government. Well, isn’t that interesting?

Today is Hearth’s Warming Eve, so assuming at least some of us survive today’s battle, do you know what that means? That’s right, Santa Hooves is coming to town to take something from all the good fillies and colts and give something to all the bad ponies in town. I wonder what he’ll take this year: An illness, the sting of loss, an eye, a parent, death? Who knows. And what will he give us: A broken leg, a monster, pain, toys, sheep’s entrails, an illness, a parent, why the possibilities are absolutely endless, and I can’t help but wonder whether I’ll be getting something or losing something this year.

Now, for the past few years, our town as a whole has been judged naughty by Santa Hooves, so we’ve gotten various big gifts from him. A few years ago, we got that bloody miasma that refused to leave our town, a few years before that, we got the plague, and I’m sure we all remember when he gave our town the gift of night howlers. However, I really think we might have a chance of getting on his nice list this year. Why… we’ve completed all our sacrifices on time, we managed to save ourselves on numerous occasions, and I really think that if we can get rid of this monster on our own, Santa Hooves might come and take something from us this year instead of giving it. Perhaps if we’re really lucky, he might even take away the library… or better yet, Sugarcube Corner.

Listeners, as I speak, the members of the weather team are cutting open the last few sealed doors in Pony Vale. If you are still trapped by the fleshy growth that cocooned our town, and didn’t cut your way free with the butane torch that should be in your house for use in exactly these types of emergencies – and that we all seem to have forgotten recently – a member of the weather team is cutting you free now.

Back at Artillery Hill, members of the weather team are arming themselves with flamethrowers and assault rifles to fight the monster, and blindfolds to keep from seeing the monster. It’s certainly not the ideal way to head into battle, but it’s… an unfortunate necessity given the current situation. Above Artillery Hill, the weather team’s airship is tethered. The last few explosive ordinances are being loaded aboard, and soon it will launch, hoping to find a vulnerable spot on the horror from beyond time. Piloting the airship will be the only mare who’s shown any resistance to the creature’s image, our mailmare, Ditzy Doo. Well, that’s certainly unexpected, but… I suppose her eyes were always a little special, so… I’m just glad we have somepony who can kind of see to pilot our ship, even if her depth perception is… limited.

The Apple Family is carting in apples to feed our citizens before they head to battle. Strange that they have fresh apples during the winter, but I’m sure it has something to do with this secret ingredient the weather team asked Applejack to add. What that secret ingredient might be, I have no idea, but I’m sure it will give our citizens that extra oomph needed to fight the horror from beyond time, so if you’re feeling peckish and want to help the assault, head to the Sweet Apple Acres wagon and grab an apple. Mhmm apples. They sure are tasty.

Anypony who doesn’t want to join the assault to take our town back, please head to Fluttershy’s cottage. Several winged unicorns are staying behind to keep the protective shield up, a few more are standing by to protect this station from any potential friendly fire, and the rest will be serving to shield the assault team and airship.

Listeners, the town council has an issued a statement to be read before the battle starts, let’s see:

[Rarity clears her throat]

Blood will be spilled. The fields will be fertilized. Our town shall be coated in the bodies of the broken. Mortals, despair. Despair and lament at the ending of your short wretched lives. Abandon hope and bow the knee to the marauding horror. There is no hope. There is no survival. Make peace with your gods. Good luck.

Did you hear that, listeners? They wished us good luck. Why, if that doesn’t lift your spirits on the eve of a potentially suicidal battle, I don’t know what will. Ooh! Speaking of good news, my marefriend Twilight is addressing the citizens, let’s hear what she has to say.

I know some of you are scared. Being scared of… whatever’s sitting in the center of town is a completely normal and healthy reaction. Being scared is okay. What’s not okay is sitting back and doing nothing because of that fear. What’s not okay is letting the darkness of the arcane and unknown consume us. Every hour, every minute, every second, we let that thing stay in our town is a failure, because it means we tacitly accept and fear the unknown. That’s not what Pony Vale is about. Pony Vale is about understanding. Pony Vale is about banishing the horrors of the unknown and the arcane with the burning light of scientific understanding. I’ve come to accept and embrace that wonderful facet of this strange town, and I’m not about to let any “horror from beyond the depths of time” take that away from this town. It’s time we banish that thing from our town and push it back into the darkness beyond time and space! For science! For reason! For Pony Vale!

Oh, I have goosebumps right now, listeners. You should really see her, she’s waving her… well, my sonic rifle in the air, and who knew she was such a good public speaker? Well, it makes sense, I suppose, she’s just so wonderful at everything, it would be silly to imagine her failing at something. She’s certainly gotten me ready to fight an entity from another dimension. Citizens are following her towards the town as the winged unicorns fly above them, flanking the weather team’s airship. Listeners, the fight will soon be upon us! Our town will soon be saved!

Ooh! Listeners, I have a press release in my hooves. I’m not sure how I managed to acquire it, but… let’s see. Oh, apparently the Institute of Lost and Forgotten Things is opening a branch in Pony Vale. They specialize in recovering that which has been lost… Hmm, perhaps they could help me find something I’ve recently lost track of. This is certainly exciting, listeners. Assuming we survive this coming battle, I’m sure the Institute will have plenty of empty land to build on, and you know, we could always use more business.

Business is such an important part of the community, but so often it’s neglected. While I’m all for local government, we can’t neglect the entrepreneurs that generate wealth for our community and give us local institutions such as the End of All Things Bookstore, our town’s number one supplier of blank books; the Burning Pit of Despair, a fun family-friendly restaurant; and Carousel Boutique, the…

[Buzzing in background]

I’m sorry listeners, my head is suddenly throbbing, and I find myself unable to finish… whatever I was thinking about. It’s as if there are a hundred hornets in my skull, jabbing their stingers deeper and deeper into my brain, tearing apart neural pathways, and…

[Buzzing reaches a crescendo before fading away]

What was I talking about, listeners? Oh, right, business. Business is such an… Hmm, apparently somepony scratched through my show notes and wrote false memories, false names, false ponies, the false town must be purged in the name of the Founder. Well, that’s certainly interesting. Do you think they’re talking about the town founder or…

Twilight! Trixie’s portal is opening, and shadows are coming forth, slipping across the ground and heading towards the army. I’m not sure what they can do, but I would imagine they should be dealt with as quickly as possible.

[Rarity sighs]

I hate myself for saying this, but perhaps you should head there now and deal with her while the rest of the army fights the horror from beyond space and time. You are the only pony in town equipped to deal with her, and the longer she has to do whatever she’s doing, the worse the fight will be for the rest of town. Just… be careful. If you want to fight Trixie, take a left at the next street, and then a right three streets later. She’ll be in the first ominous, green, glowing portal on your left.

[An explosion booms in the background]

Ah! And for those of you who didn’t hear that, the artillery has opened fire, and I think we scored several hits, I would check to see, but… I can’t for reasons I shouldn’t have to explain. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like the monster has responded to our barrage at all, so... that’s rather disheartening. Don’t despair though, listeners, there are several more plans in motion, and I am confident that by the end of the day, this monster will leave our town. Either that or we will all die in the attempt.

Oh! Was that not mentioned? Apparently, the science lab granted the town council one of those wonderful fusion devices they were testing a few weeks – or a few months – ago, and the council plans to use it if the situation hasn’t resolved itself by tonight, saying that, “Everyone in this town should be safe from fear. Everyone in this town should be able to go outside without fearing death. This fusion device grants us the freedom from fear we so desperately need. This fusion device will grant us all the ultimate freedom as our atoms are freed from their bonds.”

Isn’t that… marvelous listeners? If we fail to save the town today, we always have a backup backup backup plan that will probably kill the monster and almost certainly… Actually, I don’t quite know what they mean when they mention freeing our atoms from their bonds, but something tells me it’s a rather drastic measure. I will have to ask Twilight more about that when I see her next… assuming I see her next. Lyra, is that “special” broadcast ready?

It is? Wonderful. Artillery, hold your fire until we transmit the signal. Miss Doo, don’t let the sharpshooters fire until we have… Actually, as I say this, I realize having sharpshooters aim at the monster might not be the most successful of endeavors. I suppose just… tell the sharpshooters to blindfold themselves and fly around until they hit the monster. Once they do that, just kind of shoot at it at point blank range. That could possibly work. It could also be incredibly dangerous, because I’m not sure pegasi are supposed to fly blind, especially when there’s a terrible monster with a thousand groping maws and a thousand more gnashing teeth in the area, but… who knows, maybe it’s digestive system is particularly vulnerable.

While Miss Doo plans out the logistics of what I’m dubbing Operation: Flying Blind, my darling Twilight has reached the mouth of the portal and is pointing her – what is it? – Energy Manipulator at it. There are some flashing lights, not sure what those mean, and now she’s trotting into the portal. Good luck, Twilight! Also, do you think you could create a portal we could evacuate the town into? You know, if it’s sundown and the situation is still unresolved? Just food for thought, dear. Now go show that showmare just what science can do. I love you!

[Rarity clears her throat]

Oh, I do apologize for that bout of unprofessionalism, but what could I do? We are fighting for our town’s existence, and I think it’s important we tell the ponies in our life what we really think of them. If there’s a pony you love near you, be sure to tell them how you feel. Who knows when you’ll get a chance to again? Go on, tell them you love them.

[Silence]

Doesn’t that feel better, listeners? Like a weight has been lifted from your chest? Love is such an important thing, especially during the holidays, so let’s just remember that love while we fight for our town. Whatever compels you to fight today, be it love for friends, family, or the town itself, hold it close in your heart today. Believe in it. This is Hearth’s Warming Eve, if we forget love now, we are nothing but barbaric animals. If we forget love now, we might save Pony Vale, but our town will certainly lose it’s soul. So hold onto love as you take your positions and prepare to murder a horrifying monster.

Well, most of our army is in position. They’ve blindly groped their ways to the monster’s position and have placed the barrel of their weapons directly against it. The rest of our citizens are blindly wandering around the town. Everypony, on my mark.

Lyra, are you ready?

Get set!

Fire!

[Static crackles in the background]

Don’t stop firing, everypony, this is our chance to save the town. Yes, there might be some casualties, Miss Doo, it seems, has been swallowed up by one of the monster’s many maws, and several other citizens have been grasped by… something, but we can’t stop now. This is liberation day! This is Hearth’s Warming Eve! Today, let’s give ourselves the greatest gift we can: A future.

[Many mouths wail in unison]

Listener’s… I think… Listener’s, it’s wail is ripping into my mind. I see… a circle, turning to a sphere, turning into something unfathomable, and then shifting into something that’s… somehow even more incomprehensible. Everypony… I… Everypony in the field is cowering, grasping at their heads for some relief. Lyra has collapsed at her desk, and… I don’t know how much longer I can keep my focus, so… until… Listeners… The weather.

***

Darkness surrounds Twilight. Up ahead, she sees blue lights flickering and flowing around each other. Drawing her sonic rifle close and hiding the EM Mk. I behind her, she trots towards the lights. After either a minute or an hour of walking, she reaches the lights. Trixie basks under a giant blue stage light.

“Come one and all, come and see, the Great and Powerful Trixie accepts all challengers to the title of ‘World’s Greatest Magician,’ but who could ever hope to compete with her?” Trixie says, giving her cape a dramatic flourish as she addresses an unknown audience. “She has been blessed by Him, a being whose power is so incredibly vast that you are less than insects to him.

“Alright,” Twilight says, trotting into the light. “Well, I don’t know if I’m much of a magician anymore, but I think I make a pretty decent scientist.” She flips a switch on her sonic rifle and speaks into it. “Surrender. Tell Twilight what you saw when you looked at Pony Vale’s energy field. Obey all commands given by Twilight. Surrender. Tell Twilight what you saw when you looked at Pony Vale’s energy field. Obey all commands given by Twilight. Surrender.”

“And just what do you think you’re doing?” Trixie asks, rolling her eyes. “Is this your grand plan to upstage Trixie? Just telling her what to do?”

Twilight flips another switch and pulls the rifle’s trigger, a grin breaking out on her face. “Oh! No, I wasn’t… Well, I guess I kind of was telling you what to do. Actually, it’s really cool. See, I’m sure you noticed how your horn kept picking up all those radio broadcasts, right?” Twilight pauses and tilts her head, listening. “I guess you can’t hear them here, but out there, I’m sure they annoyed you. I remember how when I first came here, it felt like somepony was just yelling in my head.”

She keeps her eyes and the rifle trained on Trixie, watching as Trixie’s eyes glaze over. “Right! So anyways, I really needed you to tell me what you saw, but after our first encounter, I thought you might be a bit difficult, so I modified this to beam a message through your horn and right into your subconscious, pretty nifty huh? And the best part is, as long as I keep the trigger held down, it will just keep repeating that message, kind of creating an irresistible compulsion. Now, after a minute, the compulsion should become your own, so you’ll think you’re doing what I want out of your own volition, but… obviously I couldn’t test that out without some pretty major ethical violations, so I don’t know if that works 100%, so I’m sorry you have to be my guinea pig for this. I really hope you’re okay..”

Behind Twilight, the EM Mk. I drifts towards Trixie. In her mind’s eye, Twilight imagines strands of ambient world energy flowing through Trixie. Carefully, she plucks the strands away and twists them into a cocoon binding the showmare and cutting her off from the world’s energy. A part of Twilight heaves and screams at the idea of destroying a unicorn’s connection to the world’s magical field, but the rest of her remembers that magic is merely an obstacle in the path of scientific understanding.

“Shoot!” Twilight says, trying to keep Trixie’s mind occupied as both her tools do their work. “You know what, I really should’ve tested this out on some members of the bomb squad. I mean, they killed hundreds of ponies. Of course, they only killed hundreds of ponies because you summoned that thing here, so… hard to say who’s worse. Anyways…” She depresses the trigger to the sonic rifle. “What do you feel like doing now, Trixie?”

The mare stares straight ahead and opens her mouth, her voice a flat monotone. “Surrender. Tell Twilight what I saw when I looked at Pony Vale’s energy field. Obey–”

Twilight throws her head back and laughs. “Great! Field trial of the modified sonic rifle is a complete success. Make sure the town council doesn’t find out about this technology. In the wrong hooves, this could definitely be pretty dangerous. Anyways, Trixie, what did you see? You mentioned something had twisted the town’s laylines?”

Trixie nods. “Yes. It was tall, taller than a mountain. Tall enough to pierce the sun. And it stared down at Trixie with great burning green eyes. Showed her what was… Showed her things beyond us and ordered her to open a rift between the worlds. Open a rift large enough for Pony Vale to fall through.” Trixie winces. “His eyes, they burned Trixie. His voice rang out and ripped Trixie apart, leaving nothing behind. He… It told Trixie if she followed his orders, she would become Great and Powerful. He made it so that was all Trixie wanted. Trixie… She obeyed his commands. It’s the only thing she could do.”

“Great!” Twilight says, nodding enthusiastically and wishing she’d brought her notepad with her. “Do you remember what he looks like?”

Trixie screams. “No! Agh… He looked…” She bites at her tongue. “Like… Nothing. Nothing describes him. Please don’t make Trixie remember.”

“Alright,” Twilight says, flipping another switch on the modified sonic rifle. “So… I’m really sorry for making you see that, and I’m even sorrier for making you remember all that, but… I had to, Trixie. I need to know what I’m dealing with. I need to understand everything.” She speaks into the microphone again. “Leave this town. Never come back. Forget everything that happened here. Forget this town exists. Leave this town. Never come back. Forget everything that happened here. Forget this town exists.”

Twilight flashes Trixie a tiny smile as she pulls the trigger again. “At the very least, you won’t have to remember this anymore, so… really, you’re kind of lucky. If you’re not careful, this town can kind of make you crazy..” She glances back at the portal to town as Trixie’s memories of Pony Vale are crushed. “Oh, I hope the rest of the town is doing okay.”

***

Well listeners, it seems… we’ve failed. Our invasion faltered, the airship crashed, and most of our citizens are now collapsed in the town’s square after falling to the creature’s psychic assault. If you can get out of town, do it now. I don’t know what the fusion device will bring, but I doubt anypony will want to be here to–

[A window shatters]

Waaaaaaait!

Listeners, it’s… Miss Doo, I thought that horrid monster ate you. How did you get here?

It didn’t eat me. It wanted to talk with me. It tried to talk with all of you, but then you just started screaming and collapsing. How could you not understand him? He even tried to show you how to think with that circle thing.

I… I don’t follow. Are you… What did the circles have to do with anything?

It was trying to show you how many dimensions you needed to think in. A circle is to a sphere what a sphere is to… I guess you’d call the next thing a 3-sphere, and then a 3-sphere is to a 4-sphere. All you had to do to understand it was think five dimensionally.

[Silence]

Ditzy… Most ponies can’t think five dimensionally. It’s not just a mental switch we can flip.

Really? Then how do you get anywhere without using the… Not important. Anyways, the important thing is he doesn’t want to destroy our town, he just wants to move here. Well, I say he, but really the proper gendered word doesn’t actually exist in… any known language. He told me the right term, but it’s pretty much indescribable.

I’m sorry… Why does he want to move here?

Uh… duh, the places beyond time and space aren’t exactly the best for raising a family, especially since his wife left him, so he swallowed his son up and headed to Pony Vale. He had to wait a while to get here since the door was closed, but then somepony opened the door and he headed on through.

And you know all this… how? Exactly?

Obviously, he told me when I was in his communication pod. Again, you probably couldn’t understand it unless you’re familiar with five-dimensional thinking, but… Actually, he’s really sweet. He even asked what I was doing for the tri-fold celestial equinox.

So… he doesn’t want to take our town over? What about the flesh sacs he coated the city with?

Oh! Welcoming gifts. He didn’t want to move here and not get the town something, so he gave us a bunch of flesh. Apparently it’s a pretty popular gift in the other worlds. He feels really terrible that we didn’t understand the gift.

And why… why was he just sitting in the center of town? For two weeks?

He didn’t want to accidentally trespass on somepony else’s property, so he was waiting for our emissary to show him where he could stay. All of this was just a huge misunderstanding.

Well, in that case, don’t I feel embarrassed. All this time we thought we had an invader, when in reality we had a brand new citizen. Well, Ditzy, what’s the name of our newest resident?

Well, you can’t really pronounce it without a few hundred more mouths and an ability to make sounds that don’t exist in this dimension, and even if you could do that it would take a thousand years to even pronounce the first syllable of his true name, so… he’s just good with whatever. Also, he wants to know if it’s too late to enroll his son. I told him he could probably start next semester.

[Energy crackles]

I’m back! Did we kill the monster? Is the town saved?

Actually, Ditzy Doo here was just telling us how the monster isn’t a monster at all. All he wants is to move here and raise his son in peace. All of this was a massive misunderstanding.

But… Wait, he didn’t kill anypony, did he?

No, he did not. All our fatalities during this war were… entirely self inflicted.

But… this can’t be right. He forced Trixie to open the portal and drove her crazy.

Actually, he… didn’t. He just thought the door opened because we saw him waiting there.

But then… what made her open the door? Ugh, I need to get my hooves on some more books. They have all the answers.

[Rarity sighs]

I’m sure they’ll turn up… Oh! Excuse me, a letter from the town council just appeared. Let’s see, “While we welcome our newest citizen with open arms, we regret to inform you that we have already deployed the fusion device in an attempt to save Pony Vale. The device has been deployed in the remains of town hall and you have thirty minutes to evacuate. We apologize for the inconvenience and wish you all the happiest of holidays.”

What?!

Really?

Oh… dear. Well, listeners. You heard the council, we need to get as far away from the town as possible. While the scrublands to our south are barely hospitable, they’re certainly more hospitable than the Everfree Forest, so try to head south. Hopefully some of us will survive. Sweetie, if you’re listening, don’t wait for me, just head south as fast as you can. See if you can’t find one of the winged unicorns to help you.

[Sleigh bells ring]

Wonderful, and now we have Santa Hooves. I wonder what he will give our town this year. Certainly, it can’t be any worse than a fusion device. Listeners, it has been an honor serving you and–

Wait! What’s he doing?

Listeners, for the first time in years, Santa Hooves is taking something from our town instead of giving it something. He’s packing the fusion device into a box and shoving it into his Sack of Many Things. It’s a Hearth’s Warming Eve miracle, listeners. Go out, celebrate with your loved ones, welcome our town’s newest resident – but please don’t look at him – and say thank you to Santa Hooves as he gives or takes your Hearth’s Warming gifts.

From all of us who work so hard to bring the news to you, I just want to wish you all a happy holidays.

Happy Hearth’s Warming, Pony Vale. Happy Hearth’s Warming.

Author's Note

I am particularly happy with how this chapter turned out. Also, what's up with Twilight? I'm ready to hear rampant speculation.

9. Our Town

A knock comes from the door to Twilight’s library. “Twilight, darling, you’ve been locked in your room ever since Hearth’s Warming. The only time I ever get to see you is before you go to bed, and that… contact is far too fleeting for my tastes.”

As she talks, Twilight trots over to the door and opens it, stepping inside to allow Rarity access. “I’m sorry, I just… I need to understand something.”

“And what, exactly, is that?” Rarity asks, looking around the room for any signs of what Twilight’s been eating the last few days.

“Time, the missing months… What happened during them?” Twilight asks, trotting back to the small fort of books she’s constructed around herself. “It… basic studies with the EM Mk. II seem to indicate that the missing time happened, but – but – we don’t remember it and are kind of… just filling in the blanks for ourselves. Like, from our perspective, we went from dating to loving each other in the span of a week, but really we had several months of dating before that happened. We just don’t remember it.”

Rarity frowns. “So… you’re saying our feelings carried over but our memories didn’t? Are you sure–”

“That’s not even the tip of it!” Twilight says, smiling enthusiastically. “This whole town’s sense of time is weird. Like… The battle against the horror beyond time and space–”

“He prefers it if we call him Bob,” Rarity says, sniffing the air. “Although he does readily admit to being a horror beyond time and space by definition. At least, that’s what his translator says. Ooh! I should do a segment on how they’re doing. He’s moving to the south part of town today.”

“Whatever,” Twilight says, shaking her head. “The important thing is this: Your radio show usually runs about a half hour, but it took me three hours to leave your house, rally the troops, and enter Trixie’s portal. Your clocks don’t even work correctly. In your bedroom,they go from seven to eleven to one to three, but downstairs they go from one to nine to twelve to three, and depending on…” She stops to scratch at her cheek. “I don’t know what, a minute can be as short as ten seconds oras long as forty minutes. Your whole town is a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma.”

“While that’s all very interesting, Twilight, I still think you need to get out more. Your coat looks positively dreadful, darling, you need a spa day. Also… have you been filing your horn?” Rarity asks, giving her marefriend a critical eye.

“No,” Twilight says, briefly pulling her attention away from one of her books. The room is roughly 90% books now. “Why do you ask?”

“It just… looks sharper than I recall,” Rarity says, her exchange with the Pink Herald sharp in her mind. And longer. Rarity bites her lower lip. “Although… you know, I’m sure I’m just imagining that. Twilight, I know you’re busy studying time, but I’d very much appreciate it if you made some time for me. Just… an evening every now and then is all I ask.”

Twilight sighs, stares at her book, and moves to close it, wincing as she does. “You’re… absolutely right. I’m sorry, I just… these books are so important, and there’s this… I don’t know, compulsion, like if I stop reading or researching, something terrible will happen. I mean… what if another monster attacks tomorrow and something I read tonight could prevent it?”

Rarity trots towards her marefriend and kisses her neck. “Twilight, you can’t save this town from every emergency. Just… all I want is to spend some time with you, perhaps have a spa day if you feel so inclined. Pardon me for being so blunt, but your coat could certainly use it.

“You’re right,” Twilight says, smiling and returning Rarity’s kiss. “I promise, after your show we’ll spend some time together, alright? Just the two of us.”

“That sounds delightful,” Rarity says, giving the briefest of smiles. “I can certainly use a distraction after… recent news. Oh! The council’s started construction ofthe new radio station, Are you up for doing that science show we discussed?”

“I am,” Twilight says, glancing from Rarity to her books. “I… I guess it will get me out of the room, so that’s good. Anyways, isn’t it time for you to do your show?”

“Once again, Twilight, you are absolutely right, I just wanted to make sure you were alright first. You’ll be listening to the broadcast, I hope?”

Twilight smiles as Rarity trots back to the door. “I never miss it.”

Rarity trots back to the broadcast room and takes her seat, glancing at the special guest sitting across from her. “If you have to ask, then you shouldn’t know. Welcome to Pony Vale.”

***

Well, listeners, did you all have a merry Hearth’s Warming? I certainly know I did. Santa Hooves took away… a few debts I had to deal with, while Twilight was given a number. I also kept my deal with the Pink Herald, meaning that in a few weeks, our town will have a brand-new full-time radio station. While a part of me is sad to see my baby grow up and leave the nest, I am thrilled to know that you, dear listeners, will have a friendly voice to listen to at all hours. The new building is being built next to my home, so I’ll be able to keep a close eye on the new station and hopefully develop a good working relationship with the new station management, whoever or whatever they maybe.

Speaking of new buildings, the town’s reconstruction continues. The rubble has been cleared from half the lots and the foundation has been started for several new buildings. Amongst them is the Institute of Lost and Forgotten Things. While I’m still not entirely sure what the Institute’s purpose is, when questioned about their purpose here, a pony of… seemingly indeterminate appearance remarked that “Pony Vale is home to many lost things, and many things are forgotten in Pony Vale. We must be here.”

They also announced that if a pony has lost or forgotten something, the Institute will be happy to buy that thing from you. They neglected to explain how they could claim something that has been forgotten, but I’m not a businessmare, I’m sure they have several pages worth of charts and diagrams that explain it in perfectly concise legalese. Hopefully, we’ll learn more about what they actually do during the following weeks.

An update on the southern part of town: The southern part of town has been completely abandoned by ponies. However, it is host to an absolutely stunning number of locusts. The town council says they currently have no plans to confront the old lady reciting the litany of our sins and now residing in the southern part of town because, quote, “our sins are manifold and deep, and for them to be heard by equine ears would risk the balance.” Hmm, well… While I would prefer it if our town’s locust problem was resolved, I can’t argue with their logic. I certainly wouldn’t want them to jeopardize “the balance,” whatever that means.

[Sound of papers shuffling]

However, according to Miss Doo, the horror beyond space and time, or Bob as he prefers to be called, is moving to the south side of town today due to the ready abundance of open space and the fact that horrors beyond space and time are not perturbed by locusts in the slightest, and he “highly doubts a creature constrained to four dimensions could comprehend his sins.” Also, he’s apparently very excited for school starting back up next week.

A note to the schoolchildren in the audience: You’re going to be getting a brand new classmate soon. While he might not look like the rest of your classmates, and many of his ways and mannerisms are incomprehensible to us, he’s still a student just like you are, and I expect you to make him feel welcome. How can you do that? Here are a few simple suggestions, from me to you.

Don’t look at him. You don’t want ponies looking at you all the time, so give him the same respect. Now, obviously, if you’re talking or playing with him, you should do your best to maintain eye contact with… at least one pair of his eyes, but I don’t want you all to stare.

Invite him to your games. Just because a… thing doesn’t have hooves, doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy a good old-fashioned game of hoofball. According to Ditzy Doo, her daughter Dinky and the son of the horror beyond space and time have been getting along great. The two love nothing more than exploring the edge of the Everfree together while the son of the horror beyond space and time shovels all sorts of exotic creatures into his mouths and causes the grass around him to wither and die.

Ask him about where he’s from. There’s no faster way to make friends with someone than learning about them, and that’s just as true with horrors beyond space and time as it is with ponies. Granted, you have something of a disadvantage here as the horror beyond space and time can’t understand our primitive three-dimensional language anymore than we can understand his five-dimensional thought clouds. However, the Doos seem to have an affinity for bridging dimensional communication gaps, so if you have a question for the son of the horror beyond space and time, just ask her and she’ll translate it for you.

Don’t give him special treatment. I know this sounds… incompatible with the list, but I know none of you want to be treated with foal gloves, so just treat the son of the horror beyond space and time like you would anypony else. You know, if looking directly at that other pony tore away at your conception of a fundamentally sane and rational world, causing you to truly glimpse the insignificance of our little island of ignorance. So… that’s another reason you shouldn’t stare at your newest classmate.

However, I’m sure you’ll all learn lots of things from your new classmate, like how to think in five dimensions… Or even what the fifth dimension is. I certainly know I’m curious.

I’d also like to take a moment to applaud the services of the Doos. They have done so much to make our newest citizens feel welcome in Pony Vale and I commend their efforts. Why, I even heard whispers around town that… Bob invited the Doos to live in his thought palace while they rebuild their old house after it was tragically destroyed by the PVAB’s bombardment. Ooh, listeners, is there a chance for interdimensional romance to bloom in our town.

Speaking of the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade, I have an… unfortunate announcement. It seems, several former members of the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade, now members of the bomb squad, have died after their collars prematurely detonated. It seems somepony is accidentally broadcasting at 2400 MHz. To whoever’s doing this, I have an important message:

While vigilante justice is both commendable and a great way to enforce the laws, you should really be more careful. I mean, what if somepony’s caught as collateral in the explosion? You don’t want that on your conscience. Besides, killing them is exactly what they want you to do. The members of the bomb squad are now firmly in the hooves of the weather team and… my marefriend, and subject to whatever obscure byzantine punishments they devise. We don’t want to release them from their suffering early, do we Pony Vale? Not after what they did to us. No, let’s let our town visit upon them a fate worse than death after the bomb squad finishes their reconstruction efforts. Until then… Why would we want to get rid of free labor?

I know last week, it might have sounded like I was advocating vigilante justice, and perhaps I was, but since then, I’ve spoken with my marefriend and she made some very salient points about the utility of free labor and shared her plans on what she and Rainbow Dash want to do to them once reconstruction is finished. Without spoiling anything, I have to say that death seems like a comparative slap on the wrists.

Have you felt strange vibrations in the earth? Perhaps you thought it was just the secret lab under town testing some more of those… fusion devices that we almost got intimately acquainted with last week, but they inform me that that is not the case. They claim the epicenter, that is, the origin of the earthquake, is coming from miles below them and that they have no idea what the cause could be. More on this story as it hopefully doesn’t develop in the following weeks.

Now, a word from our sponsors:

I’m walking through an empty parking garage, my keys jingling in my pocket with each step. Is today the day? Will I finally stand up to my boss? Every step brings me further away from my car. Further away from safety. I want to run away, hop back in my car, and drive to home, but I don’t. I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. Instead, I wave my badge to the security guard and he gives me a nod.

I take my elevator up to the 13th floor. Bad luck, I know, but that’s probably the best way to describe my life right now: bad luck. Bad luck that my boss makes me work twice the hours everybody else does. Bad luck that I can barely afford to pay off my debt. Bad luck I can’t find the time to meet anyone. I’m so alone. I look around the office. It’s empty of course, no one else will be arriving for the next few hours. Of course they won’t, it’s only 5:00 AM. With a sigh, I turn my computer on and get to work.

Hours spent punching numbers in. Hours spent feeling my life drain away. I’m dying. Dying by inches. I want to burn the place down or storm out after telling my boss exactly what I think about this job, but I can’t. I need it to live. I need this job to live, but it makes me wish I was dead. Ha. Is that irony? I’m never sure. It never is.

Finally, it’s lunch. A little hour spent away from the computer. An hour spent talking with co-workers and complaining about the job. About the hours spent doing a job that could be better done by a computer, knowing it’s only a matter of time until the boot drops and I have to find some other way to make ends meet. When I get home tonight, I’m going to submit my resume to more places. Maybe I can get out before the inevitable. If not, at least I can collect unemployment for a few months.

Lunch is over. Back to the grind. Has it been seconds or hours since I got back here? It feels like time isn’t moving at all. The boss calls me over. Tells me I’m still not meeting standards, that I need to put in more hours. He doesn’t do this with anyone else. Does he just hate me or am I doing something wrong? I do my best, I put in the hours, but… I don’t know. I don’t think I care anymore. I stare at my computer and try to get myself to care about something, but all I can think about is the job. This job weighing me down and pushing me deeper into a lake of ooze. I’m up to my nose in it and still sinking.

The workday ends. Several hours later, I can go home. It’s dark out when I reach my car. It was dark out when I came in. I only get to see the sun on weekends, and even then, I have to come in for work. Is this hell? Is that it? Am I dead? I drive through the city, surrounded by lights in the darkness, rain splattering against my windshield. In front of me, I see the softly glowing arches and my stomach rumbles. How long has it been since I last ate? How long has it been since lunch? I can’t remember anymore.

I pull into the parking lot. I remember when I started this job. When I thought I was so lucky to be here. When I could care. I stare at the menu, trying to think of… What am I doing? This is… Just another meal. Just another day. I order my burger and sit down, unwrap it, and bite in. The moment I swallow the first bite, I know. I know this is my life. This is eternity.

Brought to you by Sugarcube Corner.

Ahh… Listeners, what did I just read? I feel… I don’t even know anymore. Listeners, I need some time to think, so until then, the weather.

***

Twilight’s ears perk up as the door to her library opens, a disheveled Rarity trots in and promptly collapses next to Twilight’s book fort. Before Rarity can hit the ground, Twilight’s left her book fort and has her arms around her marefriend. “What’s wrong?” Twilight asks, trying to lift Rarity up.

“That ad,” Rarity says, her voice flat. “When I was reading it, I could… I could feel the words taking something from me, like... “ She shakes her head. “It’s nothing, I’m probably just imagining things.”

“I don’t know,” Twilight says, abandoning her attempts to lift Rarity up and instead moving to cuddle Rarity, hoping the warmth of Twilight pressed against her will somehow improve Rarity’s mood. “Words have power in them. I mean, I’ve been doing some reading on subliminal suggestion, and it’s really fascinating, and… books.”

“Fiction, you read it, and… there’s nothing important or real about it, but if you do it right… if you put the words in the right order with the right emphasis, you can get ponies to care. You can make them laugh or cry and feel. Reading the right words can be like reading an incantation, twisting the victim to feel exactly what you want them to feel. Maybe…” She shrugs. “I don’t know, there could be something there. Future avenues of research on the potential properties of words. Ooh! This is so exciting and–” Twilight’s attentions return to the mare her forelegs are wrapped around. “Sorry, that’s probably not what you want to hear.”

Rarity smiles. “Actually, it’s…” She turns around and seals her lips against Twilight’s, the two creating a vacuum seal that entwines their tongues and draws them closer together. For several seconds, the two remain, enjoying the feeling of the other before Rarity reluctantly pulls away. “I’m sorry,” she says, a blush on her cheeks. “It’s just… listening to you enthuse about a new study on the property of words, I felt a flicker of excitement, and it was enough to thaw me from… whatever that ad was.” Rarity smiles and the two kiss again, drawing their bodies so tight together that no light can escape.

“That’s…” A long content sigh escapes from Rarity’s lips. “I love your passion, Twilight, and I don’t want to stymie your natural curiosity, I just wish… I’d like to feel some of that passion directed towards me. To feel like your love and not a burden. It’s… Oh, now you probably think I’m just some terrible nag.”

Twilight brings a hoof to stroke Rarity’s mane. “I’d never, it’s just… I’m kind of new to all this dating stuff, and there’s just so much to do, I kind of forget about… I know you’ll be there for me anyways, so… maybe I take you for granted a bit more than I should, but I promise I’ll make time for us every night. If I don’t, I give you my permission to drag me from the library kicking and screaming.”

“And that’s all I ever wanted to hear,” Rarity says, kissing Twilight’s cheek. “Now, as much as I’d love to stay and cuddle, I’m afraid the news waits for no mare and the weather will be over soon. Besides, I simply can’t keep Fluttershy waiting much longer.”

***

Well, listeners, I’m back and feeling infinitely better thanks to the tender ministrations of my marefriend, Twilight Sparkle. Speaking of Twilight Sparkle, do you remember Barber Groomsby, the butcher who cut my marefriend’s mane several weeks/months ago? Well, he was last seen screaming inside his barber shop, setting fire to his shop, and asking for the mercy of a just god. While I hate speculating on what “sins” he might be seeking forgiveness for, I think we all know his crime and his shame, and I can only say that I hope that his gods are kinder than I am. Also, I’m afraid my dear Twilight needs to learn that a barbershop is not the place for a lady to have her mane styled.

It recently came to my attention that Fluttershy, out near the Everfree, was having her own little adventure while our town struggled with the horror beyond space and time. To tell us more about it, we have Fluttershy.

Oh, uhmm… hello. Is it… is it time for me to talk?

It is dear. Would you like to tell us a little bit about your adventure? I hear it’s quite the story.

Oh no, it’s nothing special really, a dragon just started nesting in a cave in the Everfree, and I made him move somewhere further away from Pony Vale. There’s really… It’s nothing special.

Fluttershy, you’ll have to forgive me, but I have a hard time imagining a dragon living out in the middle of some dirty old forest. Could a dragon even live in a forest without burning it down? I’d imagine that if one got within a hundred feet of a forest, the whole thing would catch fire.

Uhmm… Rarity, I’d never want to correct you, but… these dragons you’re imagining, are they… would you describe them as creatures of flame and shadow?

Yes dear, that’s Dragonology 101. We all know dragons are subterranean evils made of fire and terror–

I’m sorry to interrupt you, but those aren’t dragons. Dragons are giant winged reptiles that can breathe fire. You’re… I think you’re thinking of Balrogs.

Really? So Balrogs are the creatures of flame and shadow that live in the deep places of Equestria? Hmm… which one is it that secretly controls the Equestrian government?

Neither… Dragons are far too solitary and direct to ever form a shadow government, and Balrogs are sealed evils that await the call of their master to cover Equestria in fire and destruction. It’s snake ponies that control the government. It’s an easy mistake to make though, snake ponies are very good at hiding in the shadows and being forgotten. Did you know that at this very moment a snake pony could be watching us? They are anywhere and everywhere, and they hate it when we talk about them, so… Maybe we should talk about something else.

A very good suggestion Fluttershy. So, is there any chance you care to shed some light on what the winged unicorns are doing here? They are all very mysterious.

Oh, they’re not that mysterious, they’re just on a holy mission to stop the unravelling of all things. They say it starts and ends in Pony Vale, but they don’t want to say anymore for fear of… I think they call it “influencing the myriad futures.” They’re just really worried about us. Like… every day, they tell me I have nothing to fear, and whenever I tell them I’m not afraid, they just get really upset, like they know I’m lying to make them feel better. I really couldn’t ask for more caring roommates.

Well, listeners, you heard it here first: The winged unicorns are just good roommates, here to protect us from the unravelling of all things. I know I’ll sleep soundly tonight knowing I’m in good hooves. Thank you for stopping by today and talking with us, Fluttershy. Also, if you want to learn more about Equestria’s flora and fauna, Fluttershy’s going to be hosting a new show when the station relaunches next year. I know I can’t wait to hear it.

Thank you, I really look forward to talking with everypony about which animals should terrify you the most. Did you know there’s a brainworm in the Everfree that can make you fall in love with anypony if it gets in your head? Actually, it’s not a worm, it’s technically considered an insect.

So… I suppose you could call it a lovebug?

That’s… I guess you could if it wasn’t absolutely horrifying. Why would you even want to joke about that?

Fluttershy, if we couldn’t laugh in the face of unspeakable horror, Pony Vale would be a very grim place indeed.

Listeners, before I leave you all tonight, I have a touch of good news. It seems that upon seeing Bob, the old woman reciting the litany of our sin’s mouth stretched into something strange and grotesque. Ditzy Doo reports that her mouth warped and cracked, growing steadily larger, quickly growing to eclipse the old woman in size. The second she tried to utter the first syllable of Bob’s sins, her whole body violently twisted out of existence as she fell into a dimension we cannot even begin to perceive. With her passing, her locust swarm–

Excuse me, those aren’t locusts, they’re… uhmm… they’re parasprites, actually.

Yes, well her parasprite swarm departed into the Everfree for parts unknown. Good riddance, I say. Hopefully, those foul creatures will never blight our skies again, and we shall never again hear the sound of an old woman reciting the litany of our sins.

And with that, listeners, I’m afraid I must bid you all adieue. I look forward to seeing you all next year and giving you the news in our new and improved station. Until then, good night, Pony Vale. Good night.

Author's Note

~~And that's it for the year. I'll be taking next Sunday off because I'll be coming back from vacation, so until we next meet readers, good night.~~

And I'm back from vacation and just finished making a few slight changes to the story. I'm still taking today off to recover from yesterday's twelve hour drive, and will instead be working on editing a few stories. I'll see you in two weeks, so until then, good night.

10. New Management

Rarity sighs and flicks her ears in irritation as she looks at the monstrosity attached to her home. They could have at least tried for a unified aesthetic, she thinks as she compares the grey cement radio building to her house’s gently swooping gables. She trots around her house, looking for an angle where the new addition is masked by her house. Finding the proper angle, she gives her house a curt nod of approval.

At least I won’t have to deal with that awful construction racket anymore. Maybe things might finally approach a degree of normalcy around here, she thinks as she trots to her front door. Rarity pulls a needle out of her saddlebag and pricks her hoof before pressing it against the bloodstone door. The door’s runes glow red as it rolls open and Rarity trots inside. A despondent Twilight curled up on the couch immediately crushes her hopes for normalcy. “Twilight, dear, what’s wrong?” Rarity asks, moving to sit next to her marefriend and stroke Twilight’s mane.

“Everything!” Twilight yells, twisting her head around to look at Rarity. With a sigh of relief, Rarity notes that Twilight’s coat is back to its usual lavender hue. “My life doesn’t make sense… and not just in the Pony Vale way, I mean there are really big gaps in my history that I can’t fill… Like, do you remember when I first moved in with you?”

“Quite well,” Rarity says, nodding her head. “What wonderful heady days those were.”

“Right, well, I sent a lot of letters to Princess Celestia, or at least a pony I thought was Celestia, but now… How did I get her the letters? How did she get me the letters?”

Rarity bites her tongue while Twilight continues. “And that’s just the big thing. There are other things… I have a life back in Canterlot, family, a brother, so… why haven’t I tried harder to get back to them. Why can I only really seem to focus on Pony Vale? Even now, when I’m thinking about all the ways my life doesn’t make sense, a part of me keeps thinking about tests I can run to see if Pony Vale has some previously undiscovered mind-manipulating property or…” She frowns and rolls her eyes up. “My horn! Maybe when the town runed it, they put in some sort of glyph that… I have to go!”

Before Rarity can respond, Twilight sprints upstairs. Rarity sighs as she hears the door to Twilight’s library swing open and bolt shut. “Well, this can only end well,” Rarity mutters to herself as she glances at the clock. “And why does she always have to have these big fits right before my show? It’s like she times it so I can’t do anything until after the show… or during the weather.” She shakes her head as a clicking sound comes from the new door connecting Rarity’s house to the station.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” she says as she pushes herself off the couch and trots towards the door. “And I’d appreciate it if you all didn’t eavesdrop on conversations that take place in my home. I don’t micromanage your side of things do I?”

The clicking intensifies as a wave of tiny crabs scurry away from the doorway and begin to coalesce into a solid vaguely-equine form. Its barrel has six legs and a set of claws and its eyes sit on a pair of stalks. The creature clicks at her as the tiny crabs crawl into its carapace.

“Alright, alright, I admit that… perhaps I’ve been a bit controlling lately but that’s only because I want this transition to be as smooth and painless as possible. Once I’m confident that you’ll be able to carry the torch in my steed, I’ll gladly pass over the reins.”

Rarity steps into the radio station and closes the door behind her as the creature continues its emphatic clicking. “This station is my child, I have a right to be protective of it.” The creature clicks in response. “No, I’m not being racist. I’d be reluctant to relinquish control no matter who was taking over, be they unicorn, earth pony, pegasus, or crab pony. Honestly, I’ve been nothing but polite to you, but you still brandish these filthy accusations of racism when you don’t get your way.”

The creature glares and clicks in response. “One time – one time! – I say you’re a bit crabby, and now I never hear the end of it. You know I was just commenting on your mood.” Rarity trots into the new broadcast room. “Now, I simply must deliver the news, so if you really wish to continue this conversation, we can do it after your interview, alright?” She nods at Lyra as she takes her seat while the crab pony clicks some more. “I’m putting you after the weather because I want to end on the most interesting news of the day, not because of some secret anti-crab-pony agenda, so can you please put the race card back in the deck?”

After a bit more clicking and cracking, the creature scuttles away. “And I haven’t called you by your name because I literally can’t pronounce a single syllable of it. I’d be happy to call you by a name I can pronounce.”

“You alright?” Lyra asks from the control booth as Rarity takes a sip from the tea sitting next to her microphone.

“Just fine,” Rarity says. “My marefriend is apparently having some identity crisis, and I’m in a bit of hot water with the new manage–” She winces. “Please tell me you didn’t hear that.”

A clicking comes from the wall in response. “Wonderful. Just what I needed.” She leans close to the microphone as the soundproof door clicks shut and the on-air light clicks on. “Back from the dead we come, brighter and louder than ever. Welcome to Pony Vale.”

***

Did you miss me, listeners? I certainly missed you. I missed sitting here, informing you of the days events, giving you the latest updates on our towns newest resident, and… I could just go on and on about what I missed, but instead of doing that, let’s just get back into the swing of things, shall we?

We first heard about this story as a tip from one of our temporally-displaced citizens several weeks ago, and even though his prediction only recently came to pass, I’d still like to applaud this citizen’s diligence in reporting the news. We here at the station depend on listeners like him or her to keep the news current. Remember, if you see something… Well, don’t say anything, of course, but if you think it’s newsworthy, give us the message in the usual way, as our station now has a pony posted on the roof at all times searching for semaphore messages. After you deliver the message, please report to the spa for a complimentary mind scrub.

Anyways, some of you might have noticed your packages are coming from the post office with their contents replaced by a viscous slime that responds… strangely to equine contact. Don’t worry, though, our town hasn’t been invaded and we aren’t about to deal with those terrible slugs again. Bob, the horror from beyond space and time, is helping Ditzy Doo sort and deliver the mail, and that means that occasionally the contents of your packages will turn into extra-dimensional ooze.

While I can understand your frustration, we shouldn’t get upset with Bob. He’s just trying to fit in, and can’t we all empathize with being the outsider desperately seeking acceptance? Just buy package insurance before you send anything, and for the love of all you hold dear, please do not touch the extra-dimensional ooze. It has properties not native to this dimension and should be considered a class-zeep biohazard.

Just a reminder, of all the possible biohazards, a class-zeep biohazard is The. Worst. Possible. Biohazard. So… you know, just follow class-zeep biohazard protocol if you get one of these special packages and everything will be fine. Euthanasia booths are conveniently located on every street corner in Pony Vale.

Oh, and on the topic of Bob, have you seen him and Ditzy Doo together? They are just so cute. It almost makes the scars his terrible visage inflicts upon my psyche worth it. Why, rumor has it that the two are going on a date to Jubilee Park this very evening to witness the triumphal winter fall, apparently a very rare astrological event that signifies the upending of an era. Doesn’t that just sound so romantic, listeners? Maybe after I’m done here, I’ll take my darling Twilight out on the balcony so we can observe this rare phenomenon for ourselves. She does so love the stars. Anyways, I hope Bob and Ditzy have a wonderful night out on the town, and I hope the rest of the town respects the couple’s privacy and steers clear of Jubilee Park.

[Wind howls]

Oh… Listeners… This year’s Cutie Mark Crusader letters have been mailed. If you receive a sheet of blank parchment with a black bit-sized dot located precisely in the center of it, you know what to do. Your youngest has been selected to join the Crusade. The induction ceremony will be held when the snow melts and the timber wolves howl. Savor the time you have with your fillies and colts now for it might be coming to an end.

Hmm, well, this is… unfortunate. The winged unicorns have issued a statement. Let’s see… “Those who sought to harness the sun, in their hubris, awoke the hunger that sleeps. Now, he arises to devour and we are bound by ancient accord not to interfere. The hopes for your town rest in the hooves of the star-child.” Oh… It’s one of those statements isn’t it? You know, just once, I’d like to hear somepony say that everything’s fine. We haven’t had a good “everything’s fine” statement in sooooo long. Anyways, to whoever this star-child might be, please do what needs to be done to save our town and fulfill whatever vague prophecy shapes these events. You are, of course, our only hope.

[Muttering]

At the very least, you’d think these prophecies could be direct. Say something like, “a giant scaly toothy monster is coming from the Everfree to eat us all, but his third left tooth is particularly sensitive so just hit him there.” Is that too much to ask for?

[Rarity takes several deep breaths]

But, I digress, listeners. Obviously, we shouldn’t get mad at the winged unicorns for giving us vague and ominous prophecies, we should be thanking them for giving us any prophecy at all. At least now, we know that some vague and undefined doom is heading towards us, and knowing, as they say, is an undisclosed percentage of the battle.

In better news, our tiny town now has oceanfront property… and an ocean. Residents were surprised to come outside after a major winter storm to see that a large portion of the south side of town had been replaced with a seemingly endless ocean. While you can walk around this ocean in roughly an hour, the ocean always appears endless from the shore, and nopony has managed to cross it directly. I, for one, can’t wait to hit our town’s newest feature once summer comes.

[Irritated clicking]

Yes, I’m getting to that. The ocean is also host to the race of sentient crab ponies you might have seen wandering around town the last few days. While they might appear strange, they are ponies just like the rest of you, and we should welcome them with open claw– Hooves! We should welcome them with open hooves.

[More irritated clicking]

It was a slip of the tongue, that doesn’t make me a racist.

[Rarity sighs while the clicking continues]

As some of you might have guessed, our new station manager is a crab pony, and he is an–

[Furious clicking]

She! She? Really? Well, she is an absolute delight to work with, and we will be having an interview with her later in the show.

[Resentful clicking]

Well, now, how was I supposed to know your gender? I’m not really familiar with… any of the sexual characteristics of crab ponies, actually, and before you start, no, that doesn’t make me a racist, it just makes me uninformed. Now, I have a show to do, or… actually, now we have a word from our sponsors and…

[Shuffles through papers]

This time, it isn’t from Sugarcube Corner. I would like to apologize to all my listeners again for that obscene and, frankly, grotesque advertisement we played a few weeks ago. I promise that nothing like it will happen again.

Have you been feeling too thin, too fat, too sweaty, too clammy, too cold, too hot, too shaky, too irritable, too depressed, too happy, too nauseated, too gassy, too tired, too anxious, too angry, too achy, too jittery, or just plain worn out? Then ask your doctor about Reversia, absolutely guaranteed to reverse your symptoms.

Warning, side effects of Reversia can include but are not limited to anorexia, obesity, intense sweats, fever, chills, intense irritability, depression, mania, vomiting, diarrhea, anxiety, anger-management issues, deep muscle aches, the shakes, exhaustion, dementia, coma, death, reanimation, a hunger for the flesh of the living, the living rot, consumption, forgetfulness, ultra-death, the ability to see through the chain of causation that binds us, and nausea. Results are not typical or guaranteed, and if you feel any of the above-mentioned symptoms, then it’s absolutely vital you keep taking Reversia. If you don’t, then you might experience…

Hmm, they just have a strange glyph here that burns my eyes and parts the veiled fog of my subconscious… I feel… I feel…

[The pitch of Rarity’s voice changes]

No, this is all wrong, this… I’m not… where’s the boutique? Why am I… what’s this thing in front of me? I don’t think I’m supposed to be here.

[Rarity screams]

Everything is wrong. I’m not supposed to be here. None of us are supposed to be here. This place, it’s wrong. It’s completely utterly wrong–

[Rarity clears her throat]

You’ll have to pardon me, listeners, I have no idea what came over me, but for one terrifying moment, I was convinced that… It doesn’t matter, listeners, what does matter is that I’m back to normal now, and the news shall continue as planned. Also, to any future advertisers, please make sure all symbols in your scripts are Equestrian in origin.

An update from the secret lab buried miles below town: “The epicenter of the earthquakes continues to rise. In a few weeks, it will be upon us. Already, our lab fissures and cracks with each earthquake. We do not know how much longer we can last, but we will continue to research until that last dark day is upon us. It is our fondest hope that we can discover the cause of these earthquakes before the end is upon us.”

I would like to thank the members of the secret lab miles below Pony Vale for their tireless efforts to push the envelope of equine understanding, and I promise that should the worst come to pass, your names will be etched upon the endless stone monuments of Jubilee Park. Also, could you see about transmitting the names of everypony in your lab up here?

The PTA will be having another bake sale to help rebuild the school, and… Oh! Bob will be baking a special treat from his home dimension. If you ever wanted to know what horrors from beyond space and time eat, head on by the school gymnasium on Thursday, Silnyax 57th. I’m sure it will be absolutely delicious… or positively indigestible. Either way, it promises to be an interesting bake sale.

Do you remember the stone clock at the base of the Founder’s statue? The one that started moving of its own accord recently? Well, it is now over halfway to noon… or midnight, as you prefer to see it. While I have no idea what will happen when the clock inevitably finishes its rotation, I’m sure it will be interesting. Right now, most ponies seem to think its a viral marketing campaign for the mysterious castle we occasionally see floating on the bank of fog. Others think it’s a countdown for a special parade in honor of the Founder. Well, you can certainly color me excited.

[A clock chimes]

And… Oh… News from the library. Citizens have reported seeing librarians emerging from the library late at night when most ponies are safely asleep. After leaving the library, the librarians were seen slithering over to the… radio station, where they completely encircled it and sang sweet sad unfathomable songs that seemed to promise tantalizingly forbidden knowl… Oh no. Listeners, I’m afraid I must go, so… until I return, the weather.

***

Rarity sprints out of the broadcast room, racing towards Twilight’s room, leaving Lyra behind to deal with an angry clicking crab pony. Inside Rarity’s mind, the tumblers fall into place. The strange behavior, the elongated horn, the ritual the librarians performed, the Pink Herald’s cryptic wo–

“Hiya!” A pink shape says, suddenly appearing at the top of the stairs. Its smile threatens to swallow its whole face and its eyes are the pale blue of a cold winter day. “So…” the Pink Herald says. “Whatcha up to?”

Rarity tries to get around her, but the Pink Herald always seems to be directly in front of her. “Oh, and you should really call me Pinkie. I can’t tell you how much I hate that little nickname those silly panicky villagers gave me.”

“Uh… what?” Rarity says as Pinkie shifts to allow Rarity access to the landing while still blocking the path to Twilight’s room.

“Wasn’t talking to you, silly,” Pinkie says, twirling around and laughing. “No… That message wasn’t for you, but this one is: Your sweet little Twilight is so… well, she’s kind of happy, right now. Do you really want to take that from her? To replace her ignorance with terrible knowledge? Why… if you told her the truth, that might speed up the transformation. Right now, maybe her ignorance is all that’s keeping her her. Who knows? But if I were you, I’d definitely try to keep her in the dark and away from all those books of forbidden knowledge. Hopefully she’ll last long enough for us to make our deal.”

“I can make that deal now,” Rarity says, still struggling to get past Pinkie. “Name your price and you’ll have it. Anything I have is yours if it will save her.”

Pinkie laughs. “I know, silly, that’s why I chose her as my leverage. Unfortunately, I don’t need anything from you yet, and if I save her now, well… I hate to say it, but you might try to get out of fulfilling your oath, and I’m sure none of us want that. So… anyways, you should probably try super hard to keep her from getting all librarian-ey for as long as you can.”

“I’ll take that into consideration,” Rarity says, glaring as Pinkie slides to the side. “Is there any more advise you have to give or is that it?”

“Ooh! Just one more thing,” Pinkie says, shooting a hoof up into the air. “Remember what those pretty little runes on your horn do and try to keep Twilight from doing something stupid. Anyways, I’ll let you two crazy kids have fun for now. T-T-Y-L!” Pinkie says as she bounces into the air and out of existence, leaving a deflated Rarity to lean into the wall and stagger to Twilight’s room.

“Rarity?” Twilight says, opening the door before Rarity can reach it. “Are you alright? I thought I heard voices.” Rarity notes that Twilight’s eyes are bloodshot and the horn is pointier than it was. Hopefully the bloodshot eyes are just an effect of her crying.

“Oh, yes, dear, I’m fine. I just… I wanted to check on how you were doing after our little talk earlier. I’m afraid I only have a few minutes, though…”

“The weather?” Twilight asks, raising an eyebrow. Rarity nods. “You know, you could just talk to me after. Oh! And thank you so much for radio-proofing the upstairs. I can’t hear the radio in my head at all.”

Rarity gives a small smile that doesn’t reach the eyes. “Of course, darling, I just thought that since the station would be playing non-stop now, you could use a little sanctuary.”

“And it’s great. There are just… Oh, I feel like I can do anything, right now.” Her horn lights up and she arranges a pile of books behind her, making sure to shelve them in proper alphabetical order. She doesn’t have to look back at them. “I’ve been reading through this rune language you use, and I think I’m starting to figure out what all these marks on my horn mean. It’s… a lot of these marks don’t have anything to do with blocking out the world’s energy field.”

Rarity sits at a crossroads, two paths laid out for her. One burns with a hungry honesty that threatens to devour the world in an attempt to reveal the “truth.” The other… It gives her time to think of a better solution.

“Well, just don’t do anything drastic, alright, Twilight? I… if you feel anything wrong at all, let me know.” Rarity says, giving closer attention to the room. At this point, there are so many stacks of books, Rarity worries the floor doesn’t have enough support. “Also, what do you say the two of us have a little date night tonight? There’s supposed to be a simply wonderful stellar alignment… maybe we could talk about our favorite constellations over a few glasses of wine?”

“Sure!” Twilight says, beaming as Rarity nuzzles her neck. “That sounds… just great. Ooh! I could bring my book of star charts. and–”

“That won’t be necessary,” Rarity says before kissing Twilight’s neck. “I’d prefer it if it’s just the two of us and a few bottles of wine. You can go awhile without your books, right?”

“Yeah,” Twilight says, glancing back at her stacks and stacks of tomes. “Yeah, I can go awhile. I mean… Yeah, I can go for a bit.”

“You don’t know how happy I am to hear you say that,” Rarity says before her thoughts turn back to the broadcast. She sighs. “I will be back in a few minutes, perhaps you can head downstairs and choose which wines you want to taste tonight while I finish up the show.”

“Sounds great,” Twilight says, quickly re-sorting another stack of books. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

***

Well, listeners, I apologize for leaving so suddenly, but there was something I had to take care of. Anyways–

[Eager clicking]

I was getting to that. To celebrate our grand relaunching, I have a special interview with our new station manager, a very wonderful and delightful crab pony.

[Irritated clicking]

Well, I don’t know how to pronounce your name, so unless you have a–

[Exasperated clicking]

Fine. Susan it is. Please welcome the wonderful and delightful Susan to the Pony Vale Public Radio family. So, Susan, for the sake of our listeners, what do you do at the station?

[Several minutes of informative clicking]

Well, I see. That is a very big responsibility, one I’m sure you’re more than able to handle. After all, it’s not like the town council literally picked a random pony off the street to be a station manager.

[Angry clicking]

No, I wasn’t being condescending, I was… I’m sure the town council had a perfectly valid reason to pick you as the station manager, even if you don’t have any radio experience.

[Angrier clicking]

It’s not racist! Your lack of experience has nothing to do with you being a giant crab pony. I would have the exact same complaint if you were a unicorn, an earth pony, or a pegasus. Your race has absolutely nothing to do with this, and quite frankly, I’m getting a little tired of you saying everything’s racist. I am putting my best hoof forward here, and I would appreciate it if you’d try to do the same.

[Pedantic clicking]

Oh, so I’m supposed to say best claw forward around you? Because… You told me not to use the term claw around you before you went to the weather. You can’t have it both ways Susan. Either I treat you like everypony else or I treat you like a crab pony. And before you start, yes, I suppose that is a little racist, since you’re asking for special treatment based on race, which is the definition of racism!

[Terse clicking]

You can’t fire me! Check the station contract, as long as there’s a station, I still have my show and I have 50% control of the station, so we’re stuck with each other, and this station can’t do anything unless the two of us agree to it. That’s what this is about, isn’t it? You just want me out so you can have complete control of the station and play… whatever you want.

[Racist clicking]

Really? After all your accusations of racism, you go and say that? This interview is over!

[Affirmative clicking]

Well, listeners, that’s our time for today. Once again, I would like to extend a hearty welcome to Susan and I sincerely hope she finds a place at the Pony Vale Public Radio family table. Perhaps as the main dish. Stay tuned for the sound of boiling water. Good night, Pony Vale. Good night.

Author's Note

Boom. More ~~Pink Herald~~ Pinkie for your reading pleasure and a glimpse at her master plan.

1. Moonlight

A white unicorn sits behind her desk, moonlight gently streaming in through the windows, it’s gentle beams of light catch in her elegantly-coiffed violet mane. She takes another sip of her honey tea and adjusts her microphone one last time. In a room next to hers, a mint-green unicorn speaks, her voice crackling through the speakers.

“Are you ready, Rarity?” the voice asks, causing the white unicorn to jump up. Everyday, the mint-green unicorn asks her if her coworker’s ready, and everyday, she manages to startle Rarity.

“Of course, darling,” Rarity says, before draining the dregs of her tea and giving her colleague her best reassuring smile. “On your mark, Lyra.”

Lyra flips a few switches on a board made of switches before gesturing at Rarity. Rarity leans towards the microphone and speaks, her voice filling the air and being broadcast to every corner of her sleepy little town. “A friendly forest community, where the moon is beautiful, the sun is… absent, and a gentle fog from the Everfree caresses us while we all pretend to sleep. Welcome to Pony Vale.”

***

Our top story tod– tonight, excuse me, is the opening of the bakery Sugarcube Corner. Now, I know many of you have watched as the building grew from a tiny seedling planted by the mysterious hooded bipedal figures that occasionally frequent our town into the absolutely delightful bakery it is today, and some of you might be tempted to go in and buy something to eat. I know I’ve found the smells wafting from the building to be positively delightful, and I’m sure the smell of vanilla cupcakes that surrounds the building will be an absolute delight for our community in the following years.

However, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind everypony not to go in the bakery. Whatever you do, do not go into the bakery, the town council has decreed it to be strictly off-limits. If for some reason, the doors to the bakery open, do not walk in. Do not look at the bakery. Do not think about the bakery. Do not look at the hooded bipedal figures that occasionally emerge from the bakery, and definitely do not look at or think about Pink Herald. If at any time you should find yourself considering these forbidden thoughts, stop immediately and instead think about the pleasant aroma of vanilla cupcakes. Mhmm… cupcakes. How delightful.

On a lighter, or should I say, darker note, the sun failed to rise today. Applejack, you know, the farmer was the first pony to notice when she walked outside to tend to her orchard this morning, or not-morning. Reactions on the missed day have been decidedly mixed. “I like it,” one townsperson said from her own house after spending several minutes questioning just how our reporter managed to slip through her locked door. “I’ve been wanting to take some me time for so long, but just haven’t had the time. Today was just what I needed.”

Business owners have been decidedly less enthusiastic. “Today’s a perfect example of why we need to change our town’s curfew laws,” local business magnate, Filthy Rich said. “Sure, they might’ve had a place back when the night howlers first moved into town, but in the past few years, they’ve barely killed anypony. We have to accept that night howlers are just a part of life here in Pony Vale, and it’s time we stopped letting them control when we can and can’t go outside. If ponies can’t go outside, they can’t work, and our economy suffers for it.”

Well, I don’t know about you Pony Vale, but I think the occasional sunless day is a good thing. So long, we scurry from point to point in the bustle of modern life, and never take the time to think. Think about who we are, what we want, and where we want to be going, an evening spent thinking in our homes as the night howlers maraud through town, checking for any unlocked doors is the perfect opportunity for self-reflection.

Local scientists are attempting to discover just why the sun didn’t rise today. Leading theories are that Equus’s rotation has slowed down, leading to a prolonged period of darkness. Town sponsored scientists, continue their research, but I’d like to take this opportunity to remind everypony that this has nothing to do with our supposedly immortal ruler Princess Celestia. We live in an enlightened age, one where ponies are free to unlock the scientific mysteries that keep the universe from unravelling, but still the crown tries to convince us that magic is real, just to secure the tyrant Celestia’s power base.

Remember, Pony Vale, magic is not real, no matter how much the crown says otherwise. Alicorns are not real. All evidence to the contrary is nothing more than a fabrication created by the ancient dragon cabal that seeks to keep pony minds ignorant. Do not allow yourself to fall to their sweet promising lies.

Now, a note from Rainbow Dash:

Hey guys, I’m Rainbow Dash, head of the Pony Vale weather team. I just wanted to take the time to deal with a few rumors that have been cropping up around town lately. First of all, the weather team still has an important role to play in Pony Vale even if the weather this close to the Everfree is impossible to control. Second, the thermometers we gave to everypony in town are not listening in on your conversations, so feel free to put those in your living room or anywhere you spend a lot of time talking. Finally, can Autumn Berry, Snow Almond, Apple Jubilee, and Honey Cupcake report to the weather station soon? If you can’t make it today, that’s totally fine, I’ll send a few pegasi to pick you up tomorrow. I’ll talk to you later, and remember, the weather team is dedicated to keeping Pony Vale safe from all weather-related threats. All weather-related threats.

Ahahaha, just a reminder, any suggestions given by the weather team are to be considered direct orders, and absolute compliance is mandatory. The weather team just wants to make sure all our citizens are safe and informed about the weather. Anypony mentioned in the announcement should head to the grey windowless concrete bunker that the weather team calls their headquarters. If you need help getting past the several layers of barbed wire that surround the perimeter, a weather pegasus will be happy to ferry you into the building.

Ooh! Listeners, you will not believe what Lyra just put on my desk. Apparently, in Ponyville – Ugh, dreadful hideous Ponyville – Princess Celestia has gone missing. The rumor in town is that her disappearance is somehow tied to the sun’s, and… six mares have gone into the heart of the Everfree to rescue her. Listeners, I’d like to talk to you again about the dangers of believing in magic.

In Ponyville, six mares have just thrown their lives away because they believed in magic. Because they believed Princess Celestia – who probably isn’t even real – is the immortal ruler of the sun. I know we tend to think of magic as harmless. We think that there’s no way such a silly little belief could actually hurt ponies, but now we can see first hoof what happens when ponies believe what the crown is constantly trying to force down our throats. We must believe in things that are real. We must believe in science. We must believe in the scientific method. We must – We must – believe in the equations carved around the base of all our houses to ward us from evil. I can not stress how important it is we keep believing in those equations.

On a more positive note, I can only assume Celestia’s disappearance is the spark of the proletariat revolution our town founders propheci– predicted. They predicted. Prophecy is in the domain of magic, and thus not real. I will keep you updated on the burgeoning revolution, and I’d urge all listeners to find their firearms and stay close to the radio while the situation develops. If the crown is falling, then Pony Vale will be there to sweep away the corrupt old order and usher in an age of reason and understanding. Fear of the unknown shall be replaced by fear of the known. The terrible knowns that keep us up every night as surely as the screams of the night howlers.

Now, a message from our sponsors. Grass, it’s a simple thing, isn’t it? We relish it’s feeling under our hooves, and use it in all the finest dishes. But do we ever really ask ourselves what grass is? Food? Scenery? Something greater than we could ever imagine? We eat the grass blindly, obliviously shoveling it down our ever-hungering throats. We fill ourselves with the grass until there is nothing left. We fill ourselves with the grass until we are no more, our bodies collapsing into the ground, always eager to devour us.

Our bodies are consumed inch by inch by the worms and maggots as roots wrap around our empty husk, draining us of what little value we have left. Above us, the grass grows tall and our daughters eat the grass. We eat the grass. We eat our mothers. Brought to you by Hayburger. Hay, what’s for dinner?

Listeners, the door to Sugarcube Corner has opened, and the hooded bipedal figures are emerging into town, gaping mouths open as chanting from a long-forgotten language fills the town. Oh no… Listeners, the pink herald has emerged from Sugarcube Corner. The Pink Herald is in Pony Vale, her terrible violently pink form available for all to behold and despair. Remember, for your own safety, do not look at the Pink Herald. Just ignore her, and she’ll go away eventually.

The mysterious bipedal figures are walk– no, hovering through the town’s streets, forcing the night howlers back as they move. Listeners, through my equation-etched window, I can see – making a point not to look directly at the mysterious hooded bipedal figures – the mysterious bipedal figures are pushing the night howlers back into the Everfree forest. For the first time in years, we can go outside at night. I’d say we should all thank the mysterious hooded figures who saved our town from the terrible night howlers, but under no circumstances should we speak to the hooded figures. That, listeners, is strictly forbidden by the town council, and their will is unassailable.

The chanting of the mysterious bipedal figures is fading, and for the first time in years, ponies are walking the streets of Pony Vale at night. Mayor Mare is stepping out from the town flanked by two of the… figures that Lyra is now informing me I should stop speaking about. The mayor is setting up her emergency press conference podium, and ponies are being drawn towards her as if in a hypnotic trance. To hear her announcement, I turn now to my reliable scrying orb, a perfectly valid scientific instrument..

Let’s see, yes, the mayor is opening her mouth and a terrible screech that reverberates and claws at my soul springs from it. Everypony around her is taking up the scream and it is now filling the town, with a thousand ponies taking up her call. Silence falls upon the crowd as our town’s happy little anthem concludes, and ponies are glancing expectantly at the mayor, whose mouth is still wide open.

Yes, she’s speaking now, her mouth still completely unmoving as she says, “Celebrate and rejoice, for this night shall last forever. All hail this new age of darkness.” The mayor is now closing her mouth and glancing nervously at the… figures who are giving her a nod of approval, and she is now shuffling back into the town hall.

Did you hear that Pony Vale? It looks like this night’s going to go on even longer than we expected. I, for one, am quite excited about this development. With no more sun, our town’s skin cancer rates are absolutely going to plummet. Gone are the days of boring picnics and sweltering summer heat. Instead we can look forward to nights of stargazing and… invigorating winters. Think of all the hours we can spend huddled up next to our fireplaces desperately trying to keep warm. For those of you without a fireplace, I’d recommend buying one as soon as you can. They’re absolutely delightful on those cold winter nights which, I can only imagine, are going to be a lot more common now.

Since it’s been years since our citizens were able to go out at night, I think it’s time we talk about what is and isn’t an appropriate nighttime activity. Stargazing is an absolutely wonderful activity that I cannot encourage enough. There are few pleasures finer than laying on your back and appreciating the night sky. Romantic moonlight dinners are also simply divine, and can be enjoyed on your own. Remember, with the night howlers gone, you can leave your windows open, and get some fresh air in your house.

However, unless it’s town mandated or you’ve made a reservation, ritual sacrifice at Jubilee Park is not an appropriate activity. Remember, we have to share the park with other ponies, and monopolizing the one ritual altar in the park simply isn’t appropriate behavior. If you need to make a sacrifice, just use the bloodstone altar in your own home. If you don’t have a bloodstone altar in your home, what are you doing in violation of a town edict? You know what happens if you break a town edict, and nopony wants to clean up that… mess.

Listeners, I have a special treat for you tonight. Applejack, you know, the farmer, is standing inside my studio and it sounds like she has something very important to discuss. What’s on your mind?

Uh, hey, Rarity, Ah actually wanna talk about this whole eternal night thing. Now, Ah’m as happy as anypony else to be able to go out at night, but mah apples need sunlight to grow. That’s just a scientific fact.

And up until this morning, the sun rising every morning was a scientific fact. Scientific facts change all the time, that’s what makes science so endlessly fascinating. One day, you’re in a heliocentric solar system, and the next, you’re in a world of perpetual night. Things change. Maybe tomorrow, we’ll find out plants grow just fine in moonlight. Maybe we’ll find out it makes them grow better. The world is filled with bright shining new possibilities, and we can’t let ourselves get caught up in the dogma of the past. That’s the kind of thinking that leads to believing in magic. You don’t believe in magic, do you?

What? No, Ah ain’t given to all that fancy thinkin’. Ah just try to focus on practical things, like how they hay are we gonna eat if we can’t grow crops? Ah’d never… You know me, Ah love Pony Vale just as much as anypony. Mah parents even volunteered to be Crusade leaders. Not many ponies can claim that.

And I’d never want to question your family’s sacrifice. I just want to point out that we should never doubt the town council’s decisions. Our town has prospered for centuries under their enlightened guidance, and I don’t think we should turn away from that now. Besides, if we somehow can’t grow crops in the eternal night that’s going to define our town from now on, I’m sure the secret lab miles under the town can help us. I’m sure…

Listeners! I can see a series of bright flashes coming from the heart of the Everfree Forest. They are… it’s coming right for us. I don’t know what it is, but it’s almost certainly a herald of approaching doom. Yes, I can see it now, there are stripes of… pink in the strange wave of lights approaching us. Listeners, I don’t know what this wave means, but I think we should all find those we hold dear and draw closer to them. Draw close and wait for this to pass. Draw close and listen… Yes, listen, listen to the weather.

***

Rarity and Applejack, you know, the farmer, sprint out of the booth, each heading to drastically different destinations, leaving Lyra behind to stare at the strange prismatic light that’s surrounding the town. She frowns. Tomorrow is her birthday, the world ending now would absolutely ruin her birthday plans. Lyra shakes her head slowly before nodding it in time with the weather. At least that’s nice today.

Outside now, Rarity runs through Pony Vale’s streets, keeping her eyes fixed firmly on the ground beneath her, and most certainly not at the sky above her. Not at the strange flashing lights that resemble nothing she’s ever seen before. They burn and crackle and are far far too bright. How could anything possibly be so bright? No, the only thing that bright is the pink herald, and all things she touch end in… Rarity must not think about that. Thinking about the pink herald only invites despair and madness.

Around her, the hooded figures retreat back to the bakery, perhaps a little faster than they came from it. Rarity doesn’t notice though, there’s only one thing on her mind. “Sweetie Belle,” she says as she bursts through the door to her parents house, the equations inscribed on the door only putting up the faintest resistance as she passes through their barrier. She wraps her forehooves around her younger sister. “I’m here, everything’s going to be fine, I promise.”

“What- What’s going on?” Sweetie Belle asks, looking up at her older sister as Rarity strokes her mane.

“I don’t know,” Rarity says, drawing her little sister close against her. “But it’s going to be fin–” She stops as a crack echoes in the air. Above her, the sky flashes blood red every time the prism of light clashes with the equations. Red cracks are forming in the sky, slowly snaking to fill the sky as the unnatural light begins to bleed through.

“Sweetie, I know… I say a lot of things for my work, and some of them… you might think they’re rather silly, but I only say them so–” The cracking dims as beings appear in the sky. To Rarity, they look like winged unicorns – Alicorns, she might say, if such things existed – They are all alike, all a pale white with empty black eyes, and they are all channeling energy to power the equations protecting the town. The sky gives one last tortured groan before the many-hued lights fade away, leaving behind a sunny day.

The not-alicorns turn to look down at the town, their eyes lingering for a moment before the head off to an undetermined point on the periphery of town. As Rarity looks at them, a smile forms on her lips. “Well, Sweetie, I’m afraid I need to get back to work. I’ll see you for dinner?”

Sweetie Belle nods. “Of course, but… what did you want to tell me about?”

Rarity gives a perfectly rehearsed laugh. “It can wait, Sweetie. Now, I need to get back home before the weather finishes.”

***

Well, listeners, it seems we have survived whatever calamity the strange light wished to bring down on us, and it looks like our sleepy little town has some new visitors. Those of you watching the sky, no doubt saw the al– winged unicorns that helped power our city’s protective equations when they were about to fail. I don’t know where they came from, but it’s always nice to see a friendly face around town. If you see them, be sure to tell them how grateful you are that they saved our town.

You know, today has really given me a chance to think about the ephemeral and transitory nature of life. We woke up today to a sunless sky, were told we would live in an age of eternal night, were able to walk out under the night sky for the first time in my memory, were attacked by an angry light, saved by… winged unicorns, and then the sun came back.

It’s amazing to think how quickly things can change, how quickly our lives can rearrange themselves on the whims of a capricious cold uncaring universe, and we should never limit ourselves to our humdrum of our expectations. There’s a beautiful terrifying world out there, housing truths we cannot even begin to comprehend, so why should we limit ourselves to what we can–

Excuse me, Lyra is passing me a notice from the town council, written with their elegantly flowing blood runes, and… Let’s see, any discussion of today or today’s events is being made a class-4 felony, punishable by immediate re-education, so I suppose… Hmm… I suppose that’s our news for today. Good night, Pony Vale. Good night.

Author's Note

A bonus ~~Halloween~~ Nightmare Night treat for you all. If you have a question you want to ask everyone's favorite radio host, Rarity will be more than happy to answer your questions, isn't that right?

Of course, darling, I'm always happy to answer questions from my adoring public between broadcasts, and my only request is that they try not to ask questions that get me in trouble with the Powers That Be. I'm already in plenty of trouble for discussing the bakery nopony's supposed to talk about, and I'd prefer not to be sent to the re-education centers again, although, of course, they are quite lovely.