Dear Negative Subscriber,
From: Customer Service, Thaumaturgy Review
To: Ms. Twilight Sparkle
Junior Librarian
Canterlot Archives
Department Of Ancient History
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
While we have received your request to officially change the mailing address of your subscription from your previous Canterlot residence to the Ponyville library, we are unable to honor it at this time. We can only recognize and process official correspondence, which in this case represents mail delivered by the Equestrian Postal Service. According to our legal department, "scrolls which appear out of nowhere in a burst of green flame" do not count.
Please restate your request in the form of something which arrives with a stamp. Thank you.
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
We have corrected the error. The subscription clearly never should have been sent to the Ancient History department in the first place. You may now properly locate it in the Periodicals section.
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
Upon contacting the Archives, we were informed that you are still maintaining an onsite apartment within. Therefore, any request to have your subscription transferred for the duration of your Ponyville "vacation" is clearly a waste of time on the part of both our customer service and subscription departments, as your issues will be waiting for you at your home when you return. In an emergency, the Equestrian Postal Service should be able to conduct temporary mail forwarding after completion of the proper forms, which would be EPS 2:34:12 through EPS 4:19:17. Please consult the nearest mail carrier immediately for additional information. Otherwise, we consider this matter closed and suggest that you do so as well.
We have also noticed that you have a mere forty issues remaining on your subscription. As a courtesy, enclosed please find a renewal form which will allow you to lock in at a bargain rate.
Thank you for your patronage.
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
For security purposes, we require you to provide certain identity verification information before we can consider fixing the claimed "error" in your subscription, as follows:
Your birthdate
A list of all other magazines you subscribe to
Shopping interests
Mailing lists you are already on
Proof that this supposed "Ponyville" actually exists
Thank you.
Dear Ms. Sparkle.
Your suggestion that we "refresh our atlas supply to include something published within the last sixty years" has been noted and forwarded to our accountants, where it was dismissed as a non-essential expense.
Additionally, we are told that you attempted to send some form of personal representative to our offices. Some small purple unicorn mare? (Our security personnel didn't get her name before throwing her out of the building.) Our legal department requires us to inform you that we do not normally deal in snout-to-snout interaction outside a court of law, and all counsel you may retain for some unknown reason which would cost you bits better spent on our product may only meet with them in an appropriate setting while carrying full proof of their status, after paying the 3,000 bit contact fee as compensation for wasting our time.
Otherwise, communicate through correspondence only. Thank you.
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
We wish to offer our apologies for all the delays and frustration you have suffered through. Our subscription services should have caught the fact that the Canterlot Archives Periodicals Department has been receiving their own subscription for over three centuries and thus any extras sent there would clearly represent a misdirected personal copy.
Accordingly, your subscription has been transferred back to the Ancient History department. Have a great day, and remember to renew soon!
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
The reason we require you to send a complete breakdown of your previous correspondence with us is because we do not keep records of our customer service dealings. As we solve each problem after a single inquiry, there is no reason to occupy precious storage space with records of success after success. Furthermore, there is also no need for you to deal with the same pony with each subsequent letter. All of our personnel are equally trained and capable of managing your subscription needs.
With that said, our records indicate that, contrary to your claims, you have in fact had your subscribed issues sent to the proper Canterlot address for the past several moons. Have you considered the possibility that your local EPS branch has been mishoofing your magazines? How well do you truly know your mailmare? Things go missing all the time, you know, or so our legal department assures us we can prove in court. Should you see your regional delivery agent perusing our Silver Vs. Platinum: Which Channeling Wire Is Best For You? survey, consider checking the cover for an address label. You may be dismayed by the result, resulting in emotional damage which our legal department suggests you sue that party for.
Also, as you claim to be a magic researcher, it is entirely possible that you have suffered a recent accident (completely unrelated to the contents of our articles) which has caused you to forget receiving our issues, that you read them at all, where you put them, and the proper phrasing and politeness to be used when dealing with Customer Service. Our legal department assures us that they have created sufficient doubt in juries regarding such situations before this and stand ready to do so again, and further suggest that in order to keep things civil all around, you consider openly admitting, in writing, that this is all your fault, especially since you wouldn't remember otherwise. Enclosed please find an Open Confession Of Magic-Induced Amnesiac Guilt form, along with a guideline for filling it out in a way which will close this correspondence once and for all. (You will need to provide your own stamp.)
In advance of your inevitably discovering the theft or admitting to your obvious fault in this matter, we regret to inform you that we cannot ship replacement issues, as all editions go out of print as soon as they are shipped. However, as a courtesy and sign of respect for your having been with us for so many years, enclosed please find a free postage-due copy of our Collector's Catalog, where you may purchase rare issues starting from last week's edition. Order soon -- the prices are going up!
(Ask about our ultra-rare Cover Torn Off During Delivery Variation! Only twenty left in stock!)
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
Your subscription mailing address has been altered as follows:
Previous address: Department Of Ancient History, Canterlot Archives
New address: Department Of Ancient History, Canterlot Archives
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
Do you have anything better to do than send us letters once per week for nearly two years regarding a claimed problem which our records show does not exist? (Because a true researcher would.) Again: your subscription can currently be found at what our original subscription records guarantee is the proper address. We do not know what is happening at the School For Gifted Unicorns which prevents students from receiving their mail, but our legal department informs us that it is not our fault in any way. Should you continue to pester us in this fashion, we will have no choice but to report you to your principal.
Good day.
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
And how are we supposed to know how old you are? According to our former customer service representative whom we were forced to track down (see enclosed finder's fee bill), you refused to answer the identity verification questions!
Clearly this is proof that you are not who you claim to be. Whoever that is. I'm sure this invented claim of 'Element-Bearer' is very important within the realm of your delusion. However, as we have no interest in being part of such pointless fantasies, please be sure to omit us from any and all such error-induced hallucinations in the future. Additionally, our legal department wishes us to suggest that you pick a more authentic-sounding title, as they feel yours is just stupid.
We have also noted that you have yet to renew your subscription. May we point out that if you send in your voucher today, we will include a completely authentic Star Swirl replica hat bell?
Dear criminal,
We are on to you.
How low can you possibly sink? To try and take the identity of another for your own selfish purposes is one thing, but to falsely claim that status? Everypony knows who Princess Twilight is! You couldn't even be bothered to place the proper title in any of your previous correspondence with us! How long did you think it would take us to catch on to your falsehoods?
Well, you are not going to get away with this. We have passed on all relevant information regarding your attempt to steal the rightful magazines of the Princess to the Guards, including that which we have reconstructed from our best interpretation of the events. Additionally, from this point forward, all issues will be sent directly to the palace, where such a party clearly resides and has been waiting for the articles which you have stolen, with instructions to our subscription department to never ever change that destination again for all of her expected lifespan.
We suggest you stay right where you are and await the arrest which you so dearly deserve.
You are scum. You are the lowest of the low. Diamond Dogs would not dig down to the level where you belong. Tartarus is too good for the likes of you. And as such, we are rescinding your previously-offered subscription discount. From now on, you pay 95% of full price, but only if you respond within ten days. Otherwise, we will be forced to increase your rate.
(Please note that we do send to all major prisons. Some articles may be censored.)
From: Subscription Services, Thaumaturgy Review
To: Librarian In Residence, Ponyville Branch
Have you considered the benefits your settled zone's residents would gain from a library subscription to our magazine?
We feature the finest in magical study, and have for centuries! By restricting our submissions to only allow articles from those with at least forty years of experience, we ensure a quality publication based in true knowledge, without any undue "wild ideas". When it comes to applying the wisdom of the ages against the ill-advised experiments of the modern day, you'll find no better debunking source. Heard a theory you think is stupid? We've probably already rejected it!
And today, we can offer a subscription rate unlike any we've ever offered before! That's right: if you take advantage right now during our Help Us Rebuild Our Customer Service And Legal Department Offices Drive, you can lock in for a full decade at a mere 25% of cover price!***
So tell the unicorns in your settled zone to queue up! Consider ordering extra copies so nopony will have to wait! And to really get your branch's archives in order, consult our Collector's Catalog and purchase a full line of back issues! (Ask about our recently-released Singed And Scorched Variation! Never-before offered! Only six thousand left in stock!)
Thaumaturgy Review. Because wherever a serious researcher should find their studies taking them, we should be there too -- keeping them in line.
*** Full payment in advance. Bits only: no vouchers of any kind. First four or more issues will be black and white only until we are sufficiently funded to rebuild our color presses. Please include the following information on your subscription form: your birthdate, a list of all other magazines you subscribe to, shopping interests, mailing lists you are already on, any recent proximity to unexpected Rainbow Blasts Of Death, and the names of any cheap & reliable repairponies you may know.
Due to certain financial and legal issues, we are currently unable to ship outside Canterlot. (Out-of-region subscribers may travel to our offices and pick up their copies at their own discretion and expense.) Thank you.