Button Vash

by AppleTank

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Random, Slice of Life, Crossover
Length: 1436

A life in a day of a not really a pony Button Mash.

A life in a day of a not really a pony Button Mash, and other weird things.

This is Razgriz's fault.

I regret everything.

Author's note: Please don't read this. It is bad. I'm saying it now. Don't come in with any hope of an interesting tale. In fact, please leave and read the other Button -ash fics that are written by actually good writers?

Published 2014-11-01 17:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-01 17:40:04 UTC

Word Barfing

An alarm clock beeped and jittered in a near pitch black room. A colt named Button Mash raised his hoof and tapped the snooze button without blinking. He pulled his hoof back underneath the covers and nuzzled his pillow. A few seconds later, he was tossed off the bed, bouncing off the floor.

“Ow!” he moaned. “I’m up, I’m up! No need to throw me...

“That was only once on Friday! I thought it was Saturday!

“Whatever. I was going to get up in a minute anyways.” He gathered his limbs from off the floor and trudged into the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and glanced at the mirror to make sure he looked alright before finally stepping out of the darkness that was his rooms and downstairs to the kitchen.

His mouth watered slightly at the sight of pancakes, but a casual sniffing inspection made him notice it was missing something. “Mom? You forgot to - “

A stream of golden-brown syrup arched over the kitchen’s swinging doors and onto the pancakes.

“ - add the ...syrup. Nevermind!” The colt happily shoveled his breakfast down his throat. When he finished, he took the plates to the sink.

He was checking his saddlebags when his mother glided over and whispered, “Those Crusaders came over to pick you up.” Button froze and gulped. He lived a bit further away from the school than most ponies, rather close to the Apple Family, in fact. His mom asked around, and ended up asking if the Crusaders could swing by when they picked their members up. They agreed to be ‘Cutie Mark Taxi Drivers,’ apparently.

He wasn’t really sure of the wisdom of this decision. Chaos and destruction tended to follow them around, and now that he was going to be within touching range? On the other hoof, it might instead have an “eye of the storm” effect, and all the chaos happens to other ponies.

He was lost in thought as he trotted to the door, and so when he opened the door and was met with an orange hoof. “AHHHHH!”

Scootaloo raised an unamused eyebrow at the colt shivering underneath flowerpot, moaning “Not the sap. I don’t want to get sapped.”. She sighed. “Button, get Apple Bloom off of you. She doesn’t like getting flipped over.” The colt carefully removed the pot and noticed a large, glaring flower. Her bow was covered in dirt.

“Eh...heh heh. Sorry.” He pushed the dirt into a pile before shoveling the rest back into the flowerpot. The flower girl stuck her roots through rubber tubes that acted like shoes and shuffled away, somewhat annoyed.

“Watch what you grab next time, will you?” she said. “We don’t cause that much damage,” she muttered as Sweetie Belle helped her onto the wagon. Button nodded and stood up, shuffling nervously to the wagon. Meanwhile, Scootaloo hitched herself up to the wagon, transforming into a motorized scooter with her wings buzzing.

Button Mash got as close to raising his hoof before freezing. The three Crusaders slowly turned to look at him with glares. Sweat beaded across Button Mash’s body.

Five minutes of awkward staring later, his Mom poked her head out and ordered him to ride with the shadows of the wagon.

They traveled through the dirt roads leading to the town proper. Sweetie Belle sighed. “Button, why can’t you sit in the wagon like a normal pony?”

“You guys do know of your reputation, right? Your Crusading antics tend to make things catch on fire, explode, get covered in sap, or all three at once. I got hit by a cabbage once while Scootaloo was strength training.”

Scootaloo opened her mouth in protest. “Well, you shouldn’t have gotten so close -”

“I was inside a building,” Button moaned. “I saw you set up that obstacle course, and hid. You missed one and headbutted that cabbage through a window and into the bathroom! I got flooded with toilet water.”

Apple Bloom looked at the blushing robo-pegasus. “Are you sure you can’t do magic? That kind of luck is what gets lottery tickets won.”

The cart hit a bump and went airborne. “The other thing is that there seems to be no safety features on this thing,” Button commented. “I like to not groan in pain before I can concentrate enough to fix it.”

“Bah. Weakling,” Scootaloo said. “You’re a cloud. You can’t get killed anyways.”

“I’ll have you know I am terrified of Doctors. My mom warned me that Doctors might kill you in a fit of rage and/or fear.”

“I don’t get it,” Sweetie Belle said. “My doctor always helps me when I get sick.”

“Other type of doctor, Sweetie Belle. My mom had some nasty relatives. She adopted me. A lot of paint helped make her look not as threatening, and while its enough for Ponyville, she isn’t really sure they’ll notice.”

“Sorry for bringing it up.”

“Nah, its fine. Somepony’s going to ask about it. Thanks for not freaking out.”

“Hey, if anypony tries hurting you, call us and we’ll beat them up first,” Scootaloo called from the front.

“Cutie Mark Security Guards?”

Apple Bloom glanced nervously at her pot. “If that’s what yer thinking of doing, I’m going to be needing a harder pot.”

“We’re here,” Scootaloo said abruptly. “I’m going to put my Scooter in the closet, you guys go ahead.”

Buttom Mash reformed from the wagon. “Thanks for the ride. And not killing me”

“I heard that!”

“Okay class, its time for family history,” Cheerilee began.

Button Mash sank into his seat. He didn’t like talking about his family much. It was a bit of an awkward affair. He managed to push it back, but today was quite literally the last day he had to do the presentation.

After some introductions, the presentations started. Button was second to last. Hopefully, he would be able to blaze through it and sit down before anypony started asking questions.He hoped the roughly thirty minutes he had before then would be enough to gather his nerves enough for five or so minutes of talking. He scanned his flashcards frantically.

30 minutes later...

“Button Mash?”

Crap. “...yyeesss?”

“You’re up next.”

Dangit. The colt looked longingly at his flashcards as his shadows dragged his unresponsive hooves to the front of the class. He took a deep breath. “So, uh, you might have noticed I’m not exactly a biological being.”

“Tho?” a filly with red and white stripes asked. “I’m a candy.”

“There are ... um, stories from where I used to be from. My species tend to be flesh eating monsters that hide in shadows.” The room went instantly quiet. “I don’t do that anymore, I swear!” He looked frantically around. “My mom can prove my innocence. Mom? Where are you? Ms. Cheerilee, isn’t my mom supposed to be here?”

The mare frowned. She went to the classroom’s doorway and poked her head out. Button Mash started sinking into his shadow. There was a thrumming noise behind him, and suddenly a large shadow covered his form.

“Wow, we need to work on your public speaking skills.” Button shot up, bouncing off the ceiling when his Mom uncloaked herself. “Hi everyone,” she said, waving at the class. “I wanted to see whether his ‘practice’ actually got him anywhere, and so I waited by the side, hiding.” She glanced at the groaning colt. “I’ll speak for him while he recovers. The most common name for his species is “Vashta Nerada. They tend to be colonies of black, spore sized carnivores. They can hide in one’s shadow, and tend to dislike large amounts of light.”

She talked on for another eight minutes, briefly talking about how she came to adopt him and other random tidbits. She was interrupted by loud pounding steps outside the room. A pale pink unicorn perked up. “That sounds like Daddy.”

Cheerilee looked at the clock. “Ah, sorry Miss Love. Its Dinky’s turn. Her father seems to be running a bit late, and let you talk for a bit longer than normal.”

The door burst open, letting in a brown stallion with a messy, spiked up mane. “Sorry, sorry! Ran late with some other business, hope it isn’t too - DALEK!”

Button Mash’s mother sighed, picked up the boneless form of Buttom Mash and jumped out the window.

Then everything exploded.

Author's Note

I’m sorry, I can’t keep going on like this.
What am I doing. This is all Razgriz's fault.

A little bit Obs's too.
Why did you read far enough to get here. You bad, bad reader.