A relatively short look into the insanity of ponies
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A relatively short look into the insanity of ponies
Rainbow Dash was going over to Sweet Apple Acres early because it was the fall cider season and she wanted to get a taste of the action early.
“Hey where’s the cider press?” Rainbow called out as she watched her best friend in the whole wide world set out a keg of fresh cider Applejack. She smacked her lips as she wanted to get a good mug of the frothy stuff. “Can I have some of that now?”
“Hold your horses there partner, it’s too early to be drinking the good stuff, we wouldn’t want you to have an accident. You’re not getting any until you help me out with production you hear me Rainbow Dash?” Applejack set down the keg on a nearby table and glared at Rainbow.
“Yeah, yeah, now where’s the cider making machine?” Rainbow crossed her hooves and looked bored with having to wait for something she could be having now.
“I’ll get it out in a minute Rainbow; I swear you’re going end up married to Pinkie if you keep drinking our hardier cider.” Applejack shook her head and trotted off to get the press out. “Don’t you dare touch that keg; it’s our last batch we kept around from last cider season like we always do to compare how our ciders taste might have changed. If anything happens to that keg or you drink any of it, I’m going to juice you one good!”
Rainbow got shifty eyed and she glanced around making sure no pony was around to watch her drink from the keg, not seeing anything she picked up the keg.
“Hey Dashie, you do realize the name of this story probably involves you drinking yourself to death?” Pinkie said hopping on to the scene.
“I don’t care. It’s not like Applejack is really going to juice me, it’s not like I’m a fruit.” Rainbow started chugging away on the apple cider and Pinkie shrugged before hopping off and humming to herself. She’d later be the hero of the story, but not quite yet.
“Rainbow Dash, what did I say!” Applejack said as she dragged the cider press out and saw a now drunken Rainbow Dash.
“That you were going to juice me, but you don’t have the stones to!” Rainbow was proven wrong as a minute later she was sitting on the conveyor belt going into the machine and was too drunk to coordinate an escape.
“Well of course I don’t have stones you fruity pony, I’m a mare. I’m going to juice you up something good.” Applejack heard the crunching and squishing noises as Rainbow was turned into a chunky pulp as she worked the press and her remains were forced into a keg after she went through the machine.
A few hours later, the keg was emptied into a wooden basket and Rainbow’s smiling face could be seen in it, much to Twilight’s surprise as she wanted to prove that Applejack had murdered her friend in cold blood this day only to find out that said friend was still very much alive.
It was the culmination of an investigation that this story can’t be bothered to go into great detail on, of the few odd things about the investigation it somehow involved killing Bonbon with a spaghetti noodle and framing Lyra for the murder, legally inverting the color of all purple and white objects into each being each other with some help from Discord and something called a 1-up mushroom that eventually brought Bonbon back to life. The end results of the investigation was that Rarity had a white mane and purple coat which made her look much older and far more crankier, Lyra was still being brought up on the charges of murder despite the fact that Bonbon was clearly killed by Fluttershy in the investigation of Rainbow’s disappearance and Twilight almost proved that Applejack had killed Rainbow Dash.
Applejack mentioned during the investigation that she put Rainbow through the cider press and that Twilight was being more ridiculous then Pinkie Pie by continuing the investigation to begin with and that it went to absurd levels that it took five hours for them to reach this point. All the other ponies pointed out Twilight’s obsessive compulsive disorder about not seeing the obvious solution to the mystery that wasn’t a mystery and also remarked on her penchant for making things convoluted having been taken to its ultimate extreme at this juncture. Every pony agreed that they were all insane so it didn’t matter how they got to this next point.
“You’re still alive?” Twilight asked in horror as the magenta eyes from the rainbow cider look up at her. “That’s physically impossible!”
“Well I guess I was a bit of a fruit… must have cuddled with Fluttershy one too many times, hey I taste delicious.” Rainbow started lapping herself up, but was quickly stopped by Twilight forcing her tongue to stay stuck in her mouth.
“Rainbow, you’re a puddle of mush! You shouldn’t even be alive!” Well it’s not like ponies and their magic made any sense whatsoever to begin with anyway, so Twilight was one to talk when magic itself made little sense except when you put a will to it. “Also you shouldn’t drink yourself you might cease to exist.”
“Aw, but I’m so delicious!” Rainbow’s eyes and mouth pouted as she whined because Twilight kept stopping her from drinking herself to death.
“Look if you’re still alive and despite the infeasibility of your being alive, I just think we may be able to reconstitute you from a completely pulped liquid state into all the solid, liquid and gaseous states that most ponies usually are.” Twilight turned to the rest of her friends and glared at Applejack. “Look, I know you gave her a warning, but did you really have to put her through the cider machine? Don’t let her drink too much of herself, for I’m off to the library!”
“Yes, drinking my holdover barrel from last year actually warrants disproportionate retribution of the highest sort Twi. I certainly don’t feel ashamed for breaking the laws of physics that says Rainbow should be all blood and guts and not just a pool of apple cider with her face in it… I guess you are what you drink after all. Or was it you are what you eat? Does that mean I’m really an apple and I’d be able to bake myself into a pie?” Applejack rubbed the side of her head at the conundrum.
Twilight had waited for her response before she spread her new bat wings that were a part of the heretofore unmentioned side effect of a small incident in the five hour investigation to figure out Applejack had turned Rainbow Dash into cider. The spaghetti noodle was still at large and nobody was the wiser.
“Hey stop channeling me Applejack; I’m right here you know! I can channel myself perfectly fine thank you!” Pinkie said angrily as Applejack was stealing her shtick and Rarity just stepped in to stop the half filled pool as they had all taken their attention off Rainbow Dash and she started drinking herself again.
“Yes, we must get Rainbow back to normal before she ceases to exist.” Rarity was holding the Rainbows struggling tongue to stop it from lapping itself up.
“Yes, today has been a rather odd one, even for us.” Shyly spoke Fluttershy who had murdered Bonbon a while ago in front of every pony and yet somehow Lyra was still getting the blame and jail time. This was even if Bonbon was now currently alive and in court stating the fact that Fluttershy was both her murderer and the accomplice of that spaghetti noodle that did her in.
“Who cares, It’s not like anything we do or whatever happens to us ever comes of any real consequence. Heck even when Spike went on a rampage, Fluttershy brought parasprites into town or even Rarity went crazy with all that dark magic, we never had to pay a single bit for all of it. At this point we’re all karma hoofdini’s and could probably get away with anything, heck Fluttershy is getting away with murder because everyone loves her too much so the universe changed everything so that Lyra really did kill and eventually revive Bonbon using some weird funky magical fungus.” Rainbow had a point, she kicked a sleeping dragon and she hasn’t died yet. Well she might if she kept slurping herself up in the ever shrinking amount of liquid in the basket she was currently filling up with herself.
“Well I guess you’re right, everybody seems to be ignoring the fact that I robbed Blueblood of his fortune in broad daylight with hundreds of witnesses thirty minutes ago when Twilight was investigating that dust bunny stuck to Luna’s hoof which led to her figuring out that Rainbow’s body was mulched and put into this now empty keg. Still, I wish that dreadful investigation she dragged us all on didn’t involve political actions that lead to the changes in my coat, mane and tail colors.” After giving it some thought Rarity decided to add something else. “Well at least Spike has lost all interest in me, there’s always a silver lining to these things… I might just dye my mane grey, it’s better than this particular horrid shade of white.”
They stood around talking for ten minutes waiting for Twilight to come running up to them with the solution however they had all forgot to stop Rainbow from drinking the last of herself. There wasn’t a single drop left of Rainbow Dash the liquid cider pony.
“Oh great, Rainbow just committed sui-cider and Applejack can’t be held accountable because there’s no evidence left that she killed Rainbow except for that brown booger I found in Celestia’s right nostril that’s going in my shrine to Celestia. It can’t be used as evidence as I refuse to let such a priceless artifact be used in a court of law.” Twilight sighed sadly; she had gotten back with the solution too late.
“Maybe she’s not fully gone yet… I have an idea of how we can get her back, but you’re going to have to wait for another twenty or so minutes for things to pass on.” Every pony there quirked their heads at Pinkie wondering if she would explain, but she didn’t and then after the time was up Pinkie address all the sad ponies with cheerful demeanor. “Applejack can I use you’re outhouse I have really got to go.”
“Why shoot, of course you can Pinkie. At least Rainbow went happily drinking herself out of existence; don’t rightly know why you said we had to wait for about the twenty three minutes we actually did.” The answer was not forthcoming as Pinkie ran off into the outhouse, after hearing Pinkie use the toilet and they made sure they heard Pinkie wash her hooves. They watched Pinkie come out of the outhouse with a smile.
“Okay Twilight it’s all yours, go in there for a spell.” Every pony wondered what Pinkie Pie was talking about, Twilight didn't look like she needed to go.
“Um… what do you mean Pinkie, which is if it’s okay to ask?” Fluttershy would be haunted by the memory of the evil sadistic spaghetti noodle for quite a while, is it any wonder she never wanting to leave her house on Nightmare Night.
“Oh I drank the last of Rainbow Dash before she could finish herself off. She's passed on... through my body and she’s no longer made of cider so I doubt she’d really want to drink the rest of herself out of existence now.” The disgusted looks on every other pony’s face was quite obvious, but Pinkie had just saved Rainbow’s life.
“Okay then, well this wraps up another horrific day. So after I’m done here, I’m going to go to bed early. At least there weren’t any eldritch abominations involved in all this.” Twilight entered the outhouse with her horn glowing bright; eventually both Twilight and a pegasus that really needed a shower came out.
“Thanks for the saving me from nonexistence Pinkie, I’m sorry that you had to do that.” Rainbow said quietly.
“What do you have to be sorry for my daughter?” The other five ponies just stared at Pinkie strangely. “What? I did just kind of carry and give birth to Rainbow Dash.”
“Applejack I would like to make a formal apology to you, also let us never speak of or do this again. I think I’ll just take up drinking tea from now on.” It was something none of the others ever thought Rainbow would ever say, they all started exchanging bits between themselves and Fluttershy won the majority of the pot.
“So if you were to get married to Pinkie now, would that make you your own mother?” Applejack asked out of the blue which after what she said earlier in the day about Rainbow marrying Pinkie while she was drunk. “Aside from that come on every pony, Big Mac probably has a meal waiting for us by now. Then maybe we can put all this behind us and get our costumes on for Nightmare Night.”
“Can we not think about it? Also can I use the shower in your house?” Rainbow said dryly, she recieved a nod from farmer who had temporarily turned her into cider.
“Please do drop it Applejack darling, it’s almost as bad as the time Twilight became her own great grandmother and she's still my grandma at the same time. I swear she should have never messed with time travel further than she already has.” Rarity just shuddered at the fact that her grandmother was Twilight Sparkle, she tried very hard not to think about it everyday.
“Even after all the strange things we’ve done or been through, I still can’t get Twilight to turn me into a bit of shrubbery.” Fluttershy lamented and shook her head and followed all of her friends as they made their way into the Apple Family homestead.