Snowpiercer: Mmmisery on the Acrimony Express
Author's Note
This story is a parody of a movie by the same title, (No, the subtitle doesn’t count,) and because it pokes at some of the basic plot(holes) of said movie, it contains spoilers. However, I recognize that some people aren’t going to be deterred by this spoiler alert (especially those of you who are only reading this story because the cover is a picture of Snowdrop with an assault rifle), I’m just going to warn you as best I can:
THIS STORY CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE ‘SNOWPIERCER.’
There, I said it. Do what you want, either read or don’t read, but if you haven’t seen the movie yet, then I advise you to put this story back onto your ‘Read Later’ shelf until you’ve seen it, otherwise if you actually do decide to see it but have read this story first, you will be terribly disappointed when you actually do see it, kind of like this bastard who joined the ‘Fallout: Equestria’ group when he was only halfway through the novel and accidentally found out about Project Cauterize through a group post and—I’ve said too much, haven’t I? Oh, well. It actually wasn’t that surprising because he had already blown up Raven Rock and stormed the purifier in Fallout 3, but it’s still gonna be sure as hell disappointing when it actually happens in FoE because it won’t be a surprise anymore. Oh, well. If you’ve played the ‘No Russian’ mission in CoD, then you already know what’s coming… wait, I haven’t even played CoD… damnit, I should stop talking now…
And thanks to everybody who posted on this thread, especially Butterkeet.
The Ride Never Ends
Choo Choo! Choo choo choo choo… choo! Went the train. Then fwoosh!
But this time the train didn’t burn up. Instead it just kept going, because otherwise there wouldn’t be a story.
Now, the first thing you should know about this train is that it was huge! It just kept going and going, car after car, kind of like the Mammoth Car in that one two-episode story arc of Speed Racer, but way longer, ten kajillion times more fuel efficient, and with more responsible drivers.
The second thing you should know about this train is that it’s traveling through a frozen wasteland with lots of snow on the ground and no signs of life in sight. It looks like all of the buildings have been abandoned for at least twenty years or so, but we all know that ponies have been here recently because the railroad was recently de-iced.
Thirdly, the back of the train—the very back, the tail end, the caboose, the whatever—is full of all these dirty and ragged ponies who spend their days sitting there doing nothing. They’re basically the 21st century version of 1930s railway hobos, which actually tells you a lot about the direction our country’s going.
Now, I could just spend the rest of this story weaving together a paper-thin allegory about capitalism and climate change, but since I already do that stuff in my other works, I’d rather waste this one on randomly quoting semi-obscure pop culture references and describing mindless bloodshed in minimal detail. And yes, this sardonic tone will prevail throughout.
Okay, fourthly, the hobos are pissed because the cops are always mean to them. One day they get especially pissed off because the guards come and take two of the children away. It’s not like this is new or anything because they’ve done this before, but this time they’re jealous because they’ve just realized that the upper classes can abuse the children better than they can.
“Noooooo!!!!!” wailed the character identified as ‘The Helpless Father,’ who kind of looked like Bob Ross. “Give me my child back! This is obviously a mistake!!!”
“There are no mistakes,” said a brown earth pony mare with a humungous plot, aptly named ‘Backy’. “Only happy accidents!”
“But where are you taking them!?!?!?!?!?” asked the Bob Ross pony.
“To the front, of course!” said Backy. Then she squeezed the children into her anus and began trotting towards the front of the train.
“Nnnnnooooooo!!!!!” wailed the Bob Ross pony. “Backyyyyyyyy!!!! Come backkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!”
And then, after a short pause, he added, “Y!”
But it was already too late. Backy was already past the gate which separated the hobos from the respectable ponies. As Bob Ross stared at the gate, all he could do was cry.
“She wot m8?” asked Phoenix, a blue pegasus OC who for some reason had fire magic. “I’ll wreck that cunt! She won’t be having a giggle after I hook her in the gabber, I swear on me mum!”
“That’s nice, Phoenix,” said a pink ball of fluff named ‘Fluffle Puff.’ “But we have to wait. It’s not ready yet. First we have to make a giant pole out of metal drums and trade jello for drugs.”
And so they did. For some reason, everypony considered Fluffle Puff to be their leader, even though Fluffle Puff wasn’t faring any better than the rest of them. But Fluffle Puff didn’t consider herself to be the leader—instead, she always looked to Zombie Trotsky for guidance. Considering that Zombie Trotsky was a survivor of the great exodus of 2012, who wouldn’t?
“Ok, you can do the revolution now,” said Zombie Trotsky. “I checked with my boss—er, I mean… God… and he said it was ok.”
“Great!” exclaimed Fluffle Puff. “Now let’s do this!”
“Wait!” yelled the Bob Ross pony. “Aren’t you going to stick my hoof out the window and then smash it with a hammer? It’ll only take seven minutes!”
“Ain’t nopony got time for that!” said ~~that one black chick~~ the determined mother, who by the way, despite not volunteering when the soldiers asked for experienced violinists, is played by an actress named ‘Octavia.’ Go figure.
“She’s right,” said Fluffle Puff. “We don’t have time for that. We’re already in the prison section!”
Suddenly they were all standing in the prison section of the train, without any explanation as to how they got there.
“’Ay! What kind of prison is this?” asked Phoenix angrily. “Where are all the guards?”
“We beat them up, remember?” asked Fluffle Puff.
“Oh, yeah,” said Phoenix, remembering. “It’s like the action scenes just flew right over our heads or something.”
But Fluffle Puff wasn’t listening. Instead she was kneeling down next to a drawer, fiddling with one of many keys on a massive keychain and trying to find the one that fit the lock. Then she found it and opened the drawer.
The drawer rolled out, revealing a cadaver of a greyish unicorn inside.
“Wakey, wakey” said Fluffle Puff as she gave the cadaver two quick slaps in the face with two rapid flicks of her fetlock.
The cadaver woke up.
“Wha—huh?” asked the cadaver.
“Are you Littlepip?” asked Fluffle Puff.
“Yeah…” said the cadaver.
“Good,” said Fluffle Puff. “We’re trying to get to the front of the train. We’ll give you one Party Time Mint-al for every lock you pick.”
“Deal!” said Littlepip. “Just let me get my marefriend.”
Fluffle Puff unlocked the drawer next to Littlepip’s. Inside it was a small tube with a three apple cutie mark on it.
“This is my wife-daughter thing,” explained Littlepip as she worked her magic on the door out of the prison section. “They didn’t really explain it until the very end, so I just use her for both. Did you know she’s clairvoyant? ”
But Fluffle Puff and Co. didn’t care. Littlepip had finished breaking the lock and the door was opened. She plopped a Mint-al onto the outstretched tongue of Littlepip, who received it like a Pez dispenser in reverse.
Fluffle Puff was actually able to get quite far, blowing through the guards’ quarters, the jello factory, and a whole bunch of other cars that nopony cared about. All of the cars were strangely empty though, which should have been a warning to the hobos that the rest of the train had something planned, but instead the hobo ponies basked in their own success, celebrating their victory over the guards they had never fought.
Finally, they opened this one door only to find a massive shock. Standing there, crowding the traincar and blocking the way to the front of the train, was a huge gang of red-and-black alicorn OCs. Armed with knives and stuff. It’s not like they needed knives or anything, because we all know just how badass red-and-black alicorn OCs are. But still, they had them, if only for dramatic effect.
Were the hobos intimidated? Hell no. If you’ve seen an actual hobo before, you’ll know that they’re way more intimidating than red-and-black alicorn OCs, even if those red-and-black alicorn OCs are wielding knives. In fact, it was the red-and-black alicorn OCs who were scared shitless, because none of their sheltered suburban edginess could protect them from the sheer grittiness of the hobos.
The atmosphere is really tense and shit, and it gets even tenser when one of the red-and-black alicorn OCs pulls out this fish and starts gutting it like Varadman Bundren in As I Lay Dying.
Then suddenly there’s this orange earth pony mare with a brown mane who jumps out of nowhere and flies toward the red-and-black alicorn OCs screaming, “YA ES HORA!!!”
Now, I’m not quite sure what happened to the orange pony after that. She probably got killed because I didn’t see her for the rest of the story… actually, that was probably the only time I saw her. Well, anyway, her charging head first into the crowd started this huge fight between the hobos and the red-and-black alicorn OCs, and then there’s this really long and drawn out montage where Fluffle Puff goes around killing red-and-black alicorn OCs with an axe.
Then all of a sudden, everypony stops fighting. It’s really sudden like that. By now most of the ponies are dead, including almost all of the red-and-black alicorn OCs, and by now Fluffle Puff and her crew are near the front of the car. But in front of the gate to the next car, there’s this podium where there’s this blue pegasus filly in a military uniform.
“This is so disappointing!” she says. “The divine and benevolent Mr. Red Pony gives you a place to sleep and all the jello you can eat, but you guys are ungrateful! The caste system is the barrier that holds back the frozen death, and now that you’ve broken it, you all have to die!” And she readies an assault rifle.
Suddenly the train enters a tunnel and everything goes dark. The blue filly puts on a pair of night vision goggles, but then their batteries die.
“Ha, ha!” taunted Phoenix. “It’s dark as fuck and you can see anything! Now you can’t massacre us!”
Then the blue filly says, “I don’t need to see anything to massacre you!”
Then she shoots Phoenix in the head and he dies. Then all the red-and –black alicorn OCs turn on their night vision spells and take out their assault rifles and start shooting at the hobos. The hobos are screwed because they can’t see and they don’t have any guns, but then Fluffle Puff says, “Burning Pain! We need fire!”
A black earth pony with a maroon mane and a cutie mark of a flame, a.k.a. the emo-est and most depressing pony oc who ever lived, takes out a match. The match helps, but it still isn’t light enough to illuminate the whole room, but then she remembers something about Phoenix having unwarranted ‘fire powers,’ so she throws the match over to him.
But phoenix is dead, so the match just falls onto his limp body. Surprisingly, the body catches fire and makes a flame so big that it lights up the entire room. Turns out he actually had fire powers after all.
Now that they can finally see again, the hobos start winning the battle. They wrestle the assault rifles away from the red-and-black alicorn OCs and use them against them, until there are no more red-and-black alicorn OCs in the room. Then Fluffle Puff captures the blue pegasus filly.
The pegasus filly is so cute that Fluffle Puff considers keeping her as a prisoner, but after a brief convo with the bitch, Fluffle Puff realizes that she’s absolutely psycho and decides it would be a hell of a lot more convenient to simply kill her then and there, so she does.
The hobos continue into the next car, which contains the train’s water supply. The hobos think they can rest easy because they control the water supply for the entire train, but they soon realize that the place where the water chip is supposed to be is buried under immovable rubble, necessitating a trip all the way down to ~~Bakersfield~~ the front of the train to get it.
The hobos went on through the next three cars, where they encountered no resistance. The only ponies who were there were old ladies knitting in the garden, blacks making sushi, and Japanese raising chicken. One of the sushi ponies talked about sustainability and balanced ecosystems, but none of the hobos were listening because hobos don’t care about that kind of stuff; they just want food.
Then the hobos arrived at the school car where the youth were being ~~indoctrinated~~ educated for the future by Ms. Windith, who was pregnant for some reason.
Then there was this one snooty rich filly in the front of the classroom who stood up and faced the hobos. Her name was Bauble and she was the alicorn daughter of Shining Armor and Cadence. She was rather pretty, but not excessively so, bearing what was more or less the color scheme of the G1 Twilight. Even though she was a talentess, magicless, flightless blank flank, she was still more or less a pain in the ass because she believed herself to be Celestia’s gift to ponykind. For some reason, her vanity, entitlement, and self-centeredness only made her more popular, even though rationally one would think that these qualities would only make her repulsive. It’s strange how society works, isn’t it?
Anyway, Bauble looked at the hobos and blabbered on and on about how stupid and ugly and lazy they were.
“…but you guys got put at the back of the train not because you’re poor and stupid and whatever, but because you’re all just stupid OCs that nopony actually likes,” concluded Bauble.
“Very good, Bauble!” cooed Ms. Windith, with the air of a teacher who takes every chance she gets to coddle her favorite students and bully the unpopular ones.
Then there was a loud ‘Bang!’ and Bauble fell to the ground.
“You forgot ‘overpowered,’” said Fluffle Puff. “And the readers don’t like you, so get your ass back to the rear of the train! Now who’s next?” she said, looking around menacingly.
The students were all cowering in fear beneath their desks.
Suddenly Ms. Windith pulled out an assault rifle and started shooting at the hobos. This started a gunfight in the classroom between Fluffle Puff and Ms. Windith, but amazingly all of the bullets ended up hitting this one kid who was later identified by the autopsy as ‘Kenny McCormick.’
“Oh my god, you killed Kenny!” cried the ‘Ain’t nopony got time for that’ pony and the Bob Ross pony in unison. Then they leapt on Ms. Windith and killed her before anypony could say ‘You Bastard.’ Suddenly they were gunned down by a new pony in the front doorway.
It was that one guy who had the firefight with Chris in the movie. They never said what his name was, but I’m just going to start calling him ‘Boris’ because he kind of looked like Boris Yeltsin.
“You’re not going anywhere, bitch!” said Boris as he loaded his assault rifle.
Then a TV turned on and it showed live CCTV footage of Zombie Trotsky, who Fluffle Puff had ordered to stay in the back of the train with the children and prisoners. Suddenly he died of a heart attack because he was old.
“Nnnnnnoooooooo!!!!!!” cried Fluffle Puff, who took her revenge by killing Boris.
Fluffle Puff, Littlepip, Li’l Macintosh, and their remaining followers stormed through the front sections of the train. There were lots of luxuries and lots of upper class ponies, mostly just Diamond Tiara recolors, but all of the upper class Diamond Tiara recolors were too busy being stuck-up rich ponies to notice the hobos that were storming their section.
Littlepip ran up ahead, all the way to the nightclub car, where her curiosity got the better of her and she started picking all of the ponies’ pockets, which were all filled with drugs. The nightclub ravers got angry and chased her through the computer car and all the way up to the engine, where they formed an angry mob and tried to kill her for taking their drugs.
Littlepip saved herself from the mob by using her telekinesis to lift the train car at the very end, then float it all the way up to the front and drop it on the angry mob. It killed them all, leaving Littlepip safe, but she could not enjoy her peace for long because she was standing so close to the perpetual motion engine which ran the train that her mane got caught and pulled her in, crushing and killing her.
Meanwhile, Fluffle Puff was still in the sauna car, scouting about for enemies lying in ambush while the last remains of her followers stayed in the pool car, splashing water at each other and generally being a bunch of idiots.
Suddenly she felt a shot whiz over her head. She turned around and saw Boris standing in the doorway with an assault rifle.
“Boris, I thought you were dead!” she exclaimed. “I killed you, remember?”
“Not anymore!” said Boris, and the two engaged in an explosive firefight. It took a while, but eventually Fluffle Puff won, not because she was a better fighter or anything but because the story needs to go on for just a little bit longer.
But while Fluffle Puff was distracted by the firefight with reincarnated Boris, somepony arrived with an axe and began mowing down the remainder of Fluffle Puff’s supporters.
Once Fluffle Puff was finally finished with Boris, the mysterious mower-downer pony stepped into the doorway.
“S-S-S—Santa Claus???” asked Fluffle Puff, reeling in horror.
Then the Santa Claus pony exploded.
“Actually is Snowdrop!” said Snowdrop, standing in the middle of a pile of exploded Santa guts.
“But I killed you!” said Fluffle Puff. “How the hell are you still alive?!?”
“Two extra plot holes, bitch!” says Snowdrop. Then she raises the axe above her head and prepares to chop Fluffle Puff in two.
Fluffle Puff sidesteps, and the axe falls upon Nimbus Gust of the Winningverse, who was standing behind Fluffle Puff for no particular reason. Supposedly she was the type of pony who kicked quite a bit of ass in her own time, but no amount of ass-kicking could possibly have saved her from the wrath of the Snowpiercer.
Fluffle Puff knew that shit was going down, so she tried to high-tail it back to the tail of the train. Unfortunately for her, Snowdrop slid in front of the doorway, blocking her path. A wide, mocking grin spread across Snowdrop’s face.
Fluffle Puff jumped up into the air and kicked Snowdrop in the chest so hard it sent her sliding into the next car. Then Fluffle Puff turned around and began running towards Mr. Red Pony’s room at the front of the train, but it was surrounded by red-and-black alicorn OCs. Rainbow Power red-and-black alicorn OCs.
Fluffle Puff ran back to Snowdrop, picked up Snowdrop’s axe, then ran back over to the Rainbow Power red-and-black alicorn OCs. Then she started killing them off in an epic combat montage that could easily pass for an Assassin’s Creed trailer if you didn’t already know the context.
But finally, just as Fluffle Puff was strangling the last Rainbow Power red-and-black alicorn OC with a rosary, Snowdrop snuck up behind her. Then Snowdrop raised her axe up toward the heavens, and with a glint in her eye like the villager from Animal Crossing about to chop down a tree, [] Snowdrop brought the axe down onto Fluffle Puff’s head, splitting it right down the middle, then brought it back up, then thrust it back down again into Fluffle Puff’s bleeding body, then back up again, and then back down, then up, then down, then up, then down, and continued to do so in a brutal manner that would have made Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov proud.
At long last, Snowdrop put down the axe and stood back to admire her work. Even though she couldn’t see it, she knew that the body had been reduced to an unrecognizable pile of organs and bones, smothered in a thick, viscous sauce of iron oxide. Then she put on a pair of sunglasses, not because she needed them or anything, but because she was a total badass. Then the scene cuts to an exterior view of the train chugging through the icy wilderness.
“Awwww yeahhhh!”
….
A big red hoof held a solid white egg up to the light.
“This is your brain,” said the pony who was holding the egg.
The hoof pulled back a little bit, then made a rapid stabbing motion through the air, cracking the egg against a nearly vertical black surface.
The red pony brought another hoof up to the egg, then pulled the two halves of the egg’s shell apart from each other. The yolk and the whites landed in a goopy puddle of butter and vegetable oil which sizzled on the frying pan.
“This is your brain on drugs,” said the red pony. His eyes were now fixated on a Littlepip plushie seated in a chair next to a long dining table.
Except it was not a plushie. It was the real thing. The body and internal organs couldn’t be saved, mind you, but thanks to the handiwork of Chuck Testa, the shards of skin could be salvaged and sewn back together into a durable frame. A small tailor-made stable jumpsuit adorned her chest, and an Apple iWatch was wrapped snugly around her forehoof. The interior of the plushie was made entirely of stuffing, which made for significantly better hugging than the bony meat chunks which previously resided there.
The plushie of course, didn’t respond, because it was a plushie. It was still unbearably cute though.
“Oh, you silly pony!” said the Red Pony as he took Li’l Macintosh out of the coffee cubbie which he conveniently had installed in the rear of his plushie.
Then the Red Pony called for his assistants.
“Grey Mouse! Backy!” he called, “Bring Nyx out of the dungeon! I need her.”
A hatch in the door opened and three ponies emerged. One was Nyx, the filly that everypony should know by now, followed by Backy, the brown mare who took Nyx away back at the beginning of the story. The third was Grey Mouse, a bat pony of someone else’s creation who serves no particular purpose in this story, but I just decided to throw her in at the last minute because of reasons.
“Ladies, I’ve been thinking,…” he began. The three ponies had already been conditioned to be very attentive of him whenever he spoke.
“…I’ve been kind of bored lately,” he said. “Starting that rebellion way back in the end of the train was kind of fun and all, but now that it’s over, things are just soooooooo boring! Sometimes I wish that Fluffle Puff had actually killed Snowdrop and gotten all the way over to my quarters, but I decided not to because I’m such a chicken…”
“Oh, sweetums!” cooed Backy. “Don’t say that! They don’t call you ‘Big Brian’ for nothing!”
“That’s right,” said the Red Pony, “They don’t. Still, it’s quite lonely maintaining the eternal engine all day up at the front of this train. I’ve been looking forward to getting some crystal hookers when we pull into the Crystal Empire, but there’s no way I can wait that long.”
There was an awkward silence. The sound of a falling writer’s block could be heard in the previous car.
“Let’s do my favorite position again…” said the Red Pony.
“Oh boy, the train position!” squealed Backy. “Can I be in the front this time??? Pleeeeaaaaasseeee????”
“Certainly!” said the Red Pony. “I’d like to have a change for once. Nyx will be behind you, then I’ll be behind Nyx, and then Grey Mouse. This time at the very back we’ll have Li’l Macintosh, so Grey Mouse no longer has to be at the very back of the train.”
“Thank you!” said the mare named Grey Mouse. “You are a good person!”
“Yeah, yeah,” said the Red Pony with a dismissive wave of his hoof. “Shut up. Just sit back, relax, and prepare your anus!”
You thought that was a link, didn't you?
-The End-
