“Wow! Isn't it just a beautiful, wonderful, pony-rific day?”
Rainbow Dash skipped through Ponyville—yes, skipped—breathing in the fresh morning air and smiling wide enough for all of Equestria to see. The sun shone brightly, butterflies danced in the breeze, and the birds sang a merry tune. Soon, Rainbow Dash danced and sang along with them, feeling good to be alive.
It was so weird.
Dash stopped when she saw one of her friends crossing a busy street, then hovered over to her. “Hi, there, Applejack!” Dash greeted with a cheery grin, “How are you this lovely morning?”
Not quite paying attention to the way in which it was imparted, Applejack continued pulling her empty cart back to Sweet Apple Acres. “Oh, I'm doin' fine, Rainbow Dash,” she replied, “Just carryin' this here cart back home. Had a big deliv'ry to make today.”
“Really? Wow, that sounds like really hard work! I could help you, if you want.”
“That's mighty kind of you, sugarcube, but—”
Before Applejack could finish, Rainbow Dash slipped underneath the cart, lifted it into the air, and sped off into the distance, reaching Sweet Apple Acres in record time. As amazed as she was by Dash's speed, Applejack was even more amazed by her helpfulness. She had declined, and that was usually enough to lose the lazy Pegasus' interest. This was highly peculiar.
“YAY!” Dash cheered, “All done! Anything else you need, my bestest, most wonderfullest friend in the whole world?”
Now, it had gone from peculiar to bizarre. “Uhh . . .” Applejack tried to answer, “No. But I do appreciate the help, there, Dash.”
“Aww, what a wonderful thing to say!” Dash replied, hugging Applejack tightly, “But remember, if you need me, I'm right here for you, my lovely friend! Ta-ta, and have a beautiful day!” And with that, Rainbow Dash skipped away, humming a tune.
Now, it had gone from bizarre to disturbing.
* * *
Twilight heard a knock on the door, and set down the book she was reading to go and answer it. She opened the door, and her eyes told her that Rainbow Dash was on the other side.
Her ears, however, told her something entirely different.
“Hello, lovely, sweet Twilight Sparkle! It's ever-so-nice to see you today!”
Surprised by Rainbow Dash's uncharacteristic greeting, Twilight replied, “Uh, good morning, Rainbow Dash. Did you need help with something?”
“Why, yes, I did! Gosh, you're so good at being so helpful! You see, I was looking for a special book.”
Twilight nodded, glad that something made sense, “Ah, I see. You wanted to see if the latest Daring Do novel was here, huh? Well, give me one second, and I'll—”
“Oh, no, not that old stuff. I wanted to know if you had a copy of a book called Pretty Prose for the Practical Pony Poet. You wouldn't happen to have it, would you?”
And now, sense was thrown completely out the door. Poetry? This was so unlike Rainbow Dash. And turning down the chance to read the newest Daring Do novel? What was going on?
Twilight felt her librarian's obligations press her, and she invited Dash inside, “Well, okay, if you're sure. I'm pretty sure it's over here.” Twilight trotted over to the poetry shelf and began scrutinizing it for the title Dash asked for. She glanced over at Dash, and she seemed to be passing the time by petting Owlowicious.
“Ooooh, you little feathery cutie! I could just eat you up, you're so precious! Cootchie-cootchie-coo!”
Owlowiscious hooted in a way that sounded almost like a giggle as Dash tickled him under his beak and gave him a kiss on his head.
Twilight's eyes widened, as if she were watching a train wreck. “Uhh, Rainbow Dash?” she asked, almost not wanting to hear her reply, “Are you okay? You seem . . . . . different today.”
“Why, of course I'm okay!” Dash replied with a huge smile, “I'm just being my old, cheerful, giving, helpful, loving, tolerant self today! Why would you ask, Twilight, my dear friend?”
Twilight was right; she did not want to hear that.
Finally finding the book Dash had asked for, she pulled it off the shelf with her magic, and it hovered in midair before her as she walked back to Dash. “Here you go,” she said, extending the book to Dash, “I'll put you down for the usual checkout rate. Just remember the checkout date, okay? You haven't been good about checking in your books on time.”
“Oh, don't you worry, Twilight! I'll have your book back promptly by this time in exactly one week! In fact, what's the time?” She looked over to the nearest clock, “Ah-ha! Ten-thirty-seven! Expect your book back by ten-thirty-seven in the morning exactly seven days from now! Oh, this is for all my overdue fees.” She pulled a large bag of bits from under her wing and sat it on Twilight's desk. “Keep the change, 'kay, pal? See you later, and have a perfect day!” With one last tickle for Owlowicious, she tucked the poetry book into her wing and skipped—yes, skipped—out of the library.
“But . . .” Twilight mumbled, unable to comprehend what just happened, “The book's due in two weeks . . .”
Standing stunned in the library for a good few seconds, Twilight finally broke out of her stupor, rushed to the reference shelf, ripped a book off the shelf, and dove into it: Common and Severe Neuroses of Pegasi.
* * *
“And when Gilda yelled at you and hurt your feelings, I'm sorry about that. Oh, and when I gave you a hard time on that trip to talk to the dragon? Yeah, I'm sorry about that, too. Oh, and remember the jousting event during the Crystal Faire? Yeah, I'm really, really sorry about that, too . . .”
Rainbow Dash had been shelling out apology after heartfelt apology for the last two hours, and although she didn't want to admit it, it was driving Fluttershy crazy. She continued apologizing even as they walked through town; not even leaving her house to see Rarity had stopped Dash from atoning for every single little thing she'd ever done to Fluttershy, from the time they met as fillies in Cloudsdale to this very moment.
“And the time I practically forced you to train to help with that tornado just so I could beat some silly record? I'm really sorry! Gosh, that was so selfish of me! And the time I made you walk into the Everfree Forest, and that phantom pony scared you? I'm sooooooooo sorry! I was such an inconsiderate bully—”
“Rainbow Dash, please!” Fluttershy spoke up over her, but recoiled quickly, “Oh, um, I'm sorry for interrupting . . . but, you've said enough, really. You're my friend, and I forgive you, I really do.”
“Oh, but it's just not enough!” Dash fretted, “I've been so mean and hurtful to you, and you've done nothing but forgive me, or brush it off, every single time! You're my friend, we came from the same town, and we're both Pegasi! We're practically sisters! And I've been a terrible sister! You don't deserve to have a meanie like me as your friend! And I don't deserve to have a sweet, kind, caring, compassionate, sympathetic pony like you as a fr—”
“RAINBOW DASH!” Fluttershy squealed as they both stopped, finally feeling it unnecessary to account for her rudeness, “Please, you don't have to do this. You've done bad things, I know. But you're still my friend, and I forgive you, honest. Just please, stop feeling so bad about this. It's all in the past, okay?”
Dash's eyes widened and misted upon hearing this, and she pulled Fluttershy in for a hug so strong, she felt several joints snap. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!” she cried out joyfully, “You're the sweetest pony in the whole, big, wide world! And I will never be mean to you again, Fluttershy! I promise!”
If that promise was any indication of Dash's unusual behavior, then Fluttershy was inclined to miss the old, rude, lazy, pushy, selfish, tactless Rainbow Dash.
They finally reached Rarity's boutique together, and when Fluttershy knocked, Rarity let them in. “Fluttershy! Glad you could come, darling!” the Unicorn greeted her, and was surprised to see her company, “And Rainbow Dash! What a surprise! Did you want to review my latest project, as well?”
“Oh, I don't think so, Rarity,” Fluttershy said passively, “Rainbow Dash just came with me to . . . umm . . . say a few things to me. I, I didn't even tell her about—”
“OOOOOOOOOOH!” Dash squealed, fawning over a cute, pink, frilly dress hanging on one of the mannequins, “This is sooooooo adorable! I so need something like this for our trips to the Crystal Empire! Could you resize it a little for me, Rarity? Maybe add a few ruffles to the skirt? Ooh, and a big pink bow right on the butt! Oooh, I could help you make it at least 20 percent cuter!”
Rarity was dumbstruck. It helped that Dash had found another garment to go gaga over, for she knew she had to have answers. Slowly, she leaned over to Fluttershy and muttered, “What did Discord do to her?”
“I thought the same thing,” Fluttershy mumbled back, “But, Discord's in Canterlot, doing community service for Princess Celestia. He's been gone for three days.”
* * *
“Yay! A wonderful little get-together with my bestest friends in the whole wide world! So, what are we celebrating, my sweet, lovely friends?”
The group had reunited in Twilight's library, waiting only for their sixth friend to arrive. Applejack guarded the door, Fluttershy and Rarity stood on either side of Dash, and Twilight stood in front of her, almost as though she were interrogating Dash.
“This isn't a celebration, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight told her, “This is an intervention. We need to figure out why you are behaving so strangely.”
“Why, whatever do you mean, Twilight?” Dash smiled, “Is it really that strange to be fun, friendly, and helpful?”
“It is fer you!” Applejack interjected from the door, “You're a nice pony, sugarcube, don't get us wrong. But this is way too much, 'specially for you!”
“Absolutely!” Rarity agreed, “You aren't nearly this sickly saccharine any other day! You consistently compliment us for no reason, you apologize for every single little thing you've ever done wrong, and you just . . . well . . . you just aren't the same tough-as-nails pony we all know.”
Dash looked back at her friends, looking as though she wanted to cry. “But . . . why?” she asked, her voice breaking slightly, “Why do you want me to be that way? I was mean and selfish. I was childish and immature. I was so unkind and self-centered and egotistical and pushy and obnoxious and rude. Why would you want me to be that way? Don't you like me better when I'm sweet and selfless and encouraging and gentle and unobtrusive and nice?”
There was a pause in which Dash's friends glanced at each other. It seemed as though she had pointed out her own flaws very effectively, and had even gone to the trouble of deliberately casting them aside. But they had always agreed to love their friend Rainbow Dash in spite of her flaws, however many and however annoying they were sometimes. It was her strength, character, and loyalty that they respected and admired, and admittedly missed.
Which was better? Decent-yet-annoying Dash, or disgustingly nice Dash?
There was a knock at the door, and Applejack answered it, “Well, it's about time! Pinkie Pie, we've been waitin' for ya—” she cut herself off when she saw who was at the door.
It closely resembled Pinkie Pie, but her coat was darker and coarser than usual, and her mane and tail were straight and limp, completely devoid of their distinct puffiness. Her eyes were blank and soulless, and had an even more lackluster feel to them than her sister, Maud's. Then she spoke, and the contrast between old Pinkie and new Pinkie was even sharper:
“Life is pain. Cruel, unending pain. There's no way out of the torture of your pitiful, meaningless existences. Agony and misery will infect your sad, deluded souls for all eternity.”
Author's Note
Okay, consider this whole story as one big joke. But I just saw one dislike too many, and an idea was born.
Sorry. 
