Sister. It’s so dark -- I can’t feel your presence. Celestia, please, it’s...it’s becoming so cold! Sister, please, can’t you hear me?
Celestia...
I’m... I’m...
Scared.
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Perpetually black, neverending screams of those around me, and my sister handled it to the best of her abilities. Do I blame her for the way things turned out? Naturally, but I cannot reprove her for doing these things. Could I honestly say, that if I was thrown into her situation, that I would not do the same? The hideous screams of those you had come to call ‘friend’ flooding your very thoughts, the smell of burnt flesh permeating throughout the air, even your own sister staring you in the eye, wishing to take your life. If anything her acts were amiable, I cannot say I would have given her the same courtesy. Yes, my stay on the moon was long, and lonely, but I find myself far better off than had she slain me on the spot.
She is my sister, after all...
But, still.... I find myself with questions. Questions I could not harbor in my mind before -- questions I presumed myself to have the answers to up until recently. As I loomed so close to what I was sure would be my untimely death, I came to several realizations: one, I am not immortal, I shall one day die. When I do, I wish to know of what will happen to my body, and more importantly my being. Thanks to Celestia, I stared my fate in its cold, bleak eyes and saw the face of the eternal reaper. It terrified me.
The second thing I wish to understand, is how I, a pony that has wronged so many, have been gifted a second chance, when there are many in our beloved country that get no such reward for their crimes, crimes of a much less intense manifest. Life must surely be a thing of status if I am allowed to roam the streets. How could Celestia betray her own country for me?
She is my sister, after all...
And I was just a foal, taken over by the seed of corruption that I believe she feels she took part in planting. Again, how am I to blame her? I am no pony of worth to be judging some glorious symbol, her pristine figure gallantly looming over her subjects, untouched by the corruption that had so soiled me.
However, there is one question that I find burning in my mind day after day after day: how could she still love me? Why was I not cast aside like the vermin I was? Once I returned from imprisonment under the banner of that dreaded witch, Nightmare, she embraced me like there was never anything wedged between us; she held me close, and I cried into her chest like a simple foal.
But she was my sister and I cast her aside, just like that--no thought into what the consequences would be in the future. I am no Princess; I am a fool. The worst part is is that I’m forced to relive every single foul deed I’ve ever perpetrated each time I gaze into dearest Celestia’s eyes. Her sins, shining bright through her glowing magenta eyes, piercing my soul with serenity.
I’ve a meeting with her today at high noon; we are to discuss the daily schedule that we will follow from this point forward. It has been many years since Equestria had two rulers, I can only hope the country will be accepting of me.
For now I sit in my bedchamber, watching the seconds pass by like millions of marching ants, carrying away time’s revels. Soon, a lone guard shall enter, begging me to follow him to the main hall for my conference with Celestia. The first real time we’ve been able to sit down and just talk. Perhaps... just maybe, I shall bring up some of my questions. She is a very wise mare, I am sure she will be able to help me, somehow.
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Sister, it seems like it’s been so long since that day. The bad one has finally left me, but sometimes I hear her, speaking softly in the back of my mind. When are you coming to get me? I talk to you all the time, and sometimes I even hear your voice, but you never respond to me.
Can’t you hear me? I wish you were here to hold me. It gets so lonely at night. I’ve lost track of how many nights I’ve spent alone. I dream of the day I get to see you again sister.
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The grandeur linings that paved the way through the massive hallways never changed in our castles. This was the not the castle I remember from so long ago, but its walls remain familiar to me. Even if I cannot find my way, I can take comfort in a familiar surrounding. The guard who took point in front of me groaned quietly, signaling that we were close to the main hall. Sure enough, the same double doors that protected our previous castle stood proud before us. The guard gently nodded, and swiftly turned to leave.
I forced myself into the familiar room, unchanged since my fillyhood. They’ve remained such since the times of our father’s father. Each new castle was to have this exact design for this singular room, not that I much care for it.
I walked between the seemingly endless rows of chairs until I could see Celestia’s smiling face, sitting idly on her grand throne, basking away the morning light. She whispered my name, and a cool chill went up my spine as if somebody had opened window to allow a draft inside. Her voice was always so cold, yet so warm; an oddity I have yet to understand. I returned her generous smile, and placed myself upon the newly erected throne that took its place beside hers.
“Glad to see you made it on time, dearest sister. We have much to discuss, after all -- we’ll need all the time we can get.” She raised a nearby cup to her lips, and sipped gingerly from her tea. I envy her, sometimes, the way life never seems to affect her. Even in the face of terror she was calm, which was what enraged me most. I was a thrall to her venomous glare on that day, so many years ago, and I still am. It’s not evil, no, it is in fact, the most caring I’ve ever seen anybody look at me with. It’s terrifying...
“Luna?” she asked, noticing I had not responded to her. I had lost myself in my own thoughts, something I found myself to be doing more often than I should.
“Sorry, sister. Shall we get started now? I think it’s best if we finish this in a swift manner.” She smiled, again, and nodded her head gently. We spent the next few hours simply conversing over various topics of Equestrian Politics. So much has changed since my brief time as ruler. For instance, the griffons are now friendly with pony civilization, something I never thought possible. Celestia accomplished so much I didn’t think possible while I was on the moon. She has sinned, as every mortal creature does, but she has redeemed herself a hundred times over, what I have failed to do.
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I...I started to remember today, Celestia. Only flashes, but I saw all I needed to. I think I understand now why you haven’t been responding to me, why I’ve spent all these dark nights alone. It’s because you are the one who sent me. How could you banish your own sister to such a terrible fate? Am I really that bad of a pony, sister? I just wanted to help. I just wanted to help....
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Throughout our conversation, I couldn’t help but remember back to that icy day. The way she looked at me as she readied the elements, and prepared to banish me. How collected, she was, as the magnificent beam struck me and sent me soaring towards the massive celestial body that found itself hanging luminescently above us. I wanted a look, no, just a peek at what lay beneath those shiny eyes of hers.
“Sister,” I protruded, breaking her steady flow of silky words that she so enjoyed babbling. “Why am I even allowed into these meetings? I’m deadweight, undeserving of such a profound station.”
Celestia ogled me for a second, taking in my very essence as she usually did. Soon, she will smile, laugh gently, and spout some wise nonsense as she always does. As if right on cue, she giggled softly and placed her tea down on the pedestal that lay before her.
“Luna, whatever made you think that you are undeserving of deciding on royal matters? You are every bit a Princess as I, after all.” she said, that gentle smile carresing her lips. How could she be so perfect? How could I be her sole flaw? I bared my teeth, and tried to hide my shame.
“We both know what I mean.” I hissed, my anger building up within me. I don’t know why I was becoming so enraged; in the months that I had been back I had not once felt like this before. However, as I sit before her as she coordinates an entire nation, I find myself enthralled.
“I’m afraid I don’t.” she said softly. “Care to share what’s on your mind, Lulu?”
I wanted to say no but my mind needed such comforts now. I felt myself drawn forward in my chair, inching closer to the edge. “There are... a few things that have come to mind, recently.”
“Anything in particular?” she asked, her peculiar grin never fading from her cheeks.
I paused, if only for a moment, to stop and think -- consider the possibilities of a revelation. I lowered my head, my decision fresh in hoof. “The day of the wedding, I heard you battled Chrysalis.”
Celestia giggled and leaned forward in her chair so she could be face to face with me. “I wouldn’t exactly call it a battle, more like a one sided fritter.” she joked. “What of it? How does this have anything to do with our meeting?”
“It just...got me thinking, you know? About the day you banished me.” Celestia opened her mouth to speak, but I interrupted her. I already knew what she was going to say -- the same thing she always said, words of comfort and apologies. “I do not hold a grudge against you for such actions, I simply wish to understand something. One, simple, measly question follows me to this day. Why did you spare me? I know you Celestia, you had more than enough power to destroy me. Yet you decided to use those blasted elements to banish me to a millenium of loneliness.”
Celestia sat in silence for what seemed an endless battle against time. Her face remain locked in the same wise look it always poised, yet I could tell by looking into her eyes something was troubling her. Finally, her mouth fell open, and her same, sweet voice fell out in a whisper. “Are you asking why I spared your life? I always figured that answer would be obvious.”
I shook my head. “I’m your sister, I know.” I felt her reach across the distance enclosed between us and place her hoof on my shoulder. It was cold, and made me shiver slightly.
No; that had nothing to do with it.” I turned to her and raised a brow. “I did it because I loved you, and knew that you weren’t a rotten pony. Besides, it’s not like you could do anything to Equestria from the moon. What does this have to do with anything, sister?”
I don't know why, but it crept upon my face like a venomous snake. revealing true intentions that even I did not know of. “It was rough, you know, being on the moon all those years. I ended up hating you, Celestia. I used to scream for you, or at you... I can’t even remember anymore. The point is I’ve changed, and not for the better.”
“Sister, I-”
I pressed on, the gates were open and there was no closing them now. “When Twilight and her friends sealed Nightmare Moon back inside me, I thought I’d be able to toss aside all my anger and hate. I tried -- oh gods I tried. It was no use though, I still look at you and become infuriated. You’re a better pony than I am, sister, and I’m no fool. How am I to compete with such honesty, Celestia?” I was breathing frantically now and my heartbeat raced beneath my breast.
As always, Celestia remained calm and collected, eyeing me up and down with her gentle gaze. Then, as a rose loses its petal, her face distorted into a frown, and tears began to leak from her eyes. It was the first time I’ve ever seen her lose her composure, to see her show emotion other than regality.
“I’m...so sorry, Luna.” she managed to say between exasperated sobs. I could not fathom a reason for her to apologize, my time on the moon was my own fault. I remained quiet, eager to hear her reasons for such an outburst.
“Leaving you up there was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’m no symbol of purity for I turned my back on my own sister. When you needed me most, I simply ushered you to the side. Everyday I lived with the regret of losing you, but now I’m just glad to have you have back by my side.” Slowly that same familiar smile crept its way back upon her rosen cheeks.
There it was. Everything collapsed around me. For months I’ve relied on the idea that she showed no remorse for what she did, because what was done was necessary. To know that it affected her so deeply changed everything, I am no longer the victim of a simple necessity, but the result of love. Something I am not deserving of -- something that should only be reserved for somepony whose heart is open to such things. That was all I had, my hate, my loathing, my sinister intentions that remained with me even to this day.
“Why do you love me?” The phrase came out as nothing more than a whisper, barely making it past the part in my own lips.
I waited for a response. I needed one, I needed to know how somepony could love a pony as vile as I. Yet none came, Celestia just stared at her hooves, tears still leaking silently from the corners of her eyes.
“Answer me!” I shouted, causing her to jump slightly.
“I don’t know...” she mumbled, nodding her head gently. “You’re my sister, how could I not? In the end, we only have each other, right?”
“There was a time I believed that.” I responded. “But now I see you everyday with ponies of all sorts. You don’t need me Celestia, you never did. You have your subjects, the servants, and dearest Twilight of course. Life moved on without me, sister, and I no longer have a place in it.” The words stung her, I could tell, but they were the truth. As hard as the truth is, it is always best to bear the brunt of it rather than drawing it out in a sickly game.
“I am no Princess, Celestia, I am the simple remains of a leftover villain, tossed aside like the rest.” I pulled myself from the chair, and swiftly left the room to retreat to my dark chambers. On the way out I heard the soft sobs of my sister, echoing in the very essence of my being.
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The next few days were extremely tense between us. Our schedule became a set routine, where we’d have a quick meeting, and go our separate ways for the rest of the day. I felt alone; more alone than I had felt in a thousand years. At least on the moon I could hold onto the hope that I would find a place where I belong, but in the end there was no such place. I either have to carve my own, or cast myself aside to make room for others.
I was showed that day just how utterly useless I truly am. Circumstance has run my life, and even allowed me safe passage through life. Were Celestia not my sister, perhaps things would have gone differently all those years ago, maybe I would not be here today.
You know, that reminds me of a tale I was told as a filly. At the time I thought it nothing more than a fairy tale told to foals to please them, but I can’t help but hope it holds some truth now. My keeper told me that alicorns are born in a very specific manner -- rebirth. Like a beautiful phoenix, we come back in a new body. Only we do not get to keep our past experiences and memories, only our soul. I can only pray that if I am reborn that I come back as somepony respectable. That would be nice, I think.
For months I have struggled to determine the purpose of my existence only to realize that it is well away from my grasp now. So, when pushed into a corner, what is there left for me to do? To become a beautiful phoenix, of course.
There only remained one loose end for me to tie, but she would not miss me. She survived a thousand years without my embrace, and a thousand more shall soon follow. It is a terrible cycle indeed, but one we must live with if we hope to survive in a faltering world. I entrust her to keep the light burning, to help ponykind progress farther than it ever has before.
I grasped the nearby canister in a magical aura, and titled it so the smooth, strong smelling liquid fell out onto the floor below. I made a circle around the spot I was standing, and soaked the lining around my hooves.
Just a little longer, and then I would be free. Silence, and peace would wash over me. no thoughts, no sinister glares, just quiet.
Philomena flew in through the open window that graced my dorm. I suspect she smelled the fluid and came to investigate. No matter, it is best she come now anyway, I had a note that must be delivered.
I raised my hoof beckoning the bird over. She landed gracefully and I planted a scroll upon her leg. “To Celestia.” I whispered, and she took off, leaving me to my bidding.
I closed my eyes, and felt a gentle spark form on the tip of my horn. One second, one measly second, and all wrongs shall be corrected. I shall find myself amongst the elders in the great gardens. I shall experience my saving grace. Then it happened, just like that the spark was released and my life flashed before me in a great white flame.
Rebirth.
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Celestia... I am beaten, battered, and bruised...but today I stand strong. Today I find myself as a mare capable of sustaining herself. I don’t know if you can hear me, but I want you to know that I’ve always loved you. I have a deep hate for what you’ve done, yet I cannot remove you from my soul. We are one in the same, you and I. I can only hope that one day I make you proud, and you’ll embrace me as the sister you’ve always dreamed of. One day, sister, we’ll rule Equestria together as we were meant to -- just the two of us. We’ll have a great time, laughing and playing when we can. I’d like that, it gets boring here. It’s dark and cold and stuffy and I don’t like it. But that’s okay...because I have a dream, something I can live for.