That Oh So Plebeian Festival

by gokenshadow

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Random, Princess Celestia, Applejack, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 2267

Rarity is blackmailed into attending a festival that she absolutely loathes.

Rarity is blackmailed into attending a festival that she absolutely loathes.

This fic is written solely in tag-less dialogue, so it may or may not be difficult to understand.

Published 2014-11-01 20:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-01 20:10:04 UTC

Chapter 1

“So, as you can see, an intersection of perpendicular lines will always make 90 degree angles.”

“Rainbow Dash, could you please stop poking me. You’re going to get us in trouble. What is it?”

“I want to know if you’re coming to the festival tonight.”

“I most certainly am not.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because the last ‘festival’ I attended was an uncouth pile of garbage. One could hardly even call it a festival.”

“Trust me, Rar, this one’s gonna be different.”

“Those were your exact words the last time you invited me. I shan’t fall for them again.”

“Come on, Rar, it’s gonna be awesome. You’re gonna miss out.”

“I hardly think I’ll be missing out if this festival was anything like the last one.”

“What’re y’all talkin’ about?”

“None of your beeswax, Applejack.”

“Rainbow, don’t be rude. I was simply telling this ‘fine lady’ that I won’t be attending the celebration tonight.”

“Y’ain’t commin to the festival? Why not?”

“You mean you’re going to attend?”

“You bet she is. Applejack’s the one who started the whole thing.”

“Y-you are?”

“Eeyup, I’ve been arrangin’ them festivals since I was an itty bitty filly.”

“I-I had no idea.”

“So, why aint’tcha comin’, Rarity?”

“Oh, n-no real reason. I’m just a bit busy tonight.”

“Huh, that’s a darn tootin' shame.”

“... busy, huh.”

“Yes, Rainbow, very, VERY busy.”

“...”

“...”

“Hey Rar, my mind’s going blank. Can you remind me what you said earlier?”

“E-earlier?”

“You know, about the festival.”

“W-well … I… isn’t that funny? I can’t seem to recall what I said earlier.”

“Oh, let me help you. It was something about it being a big stinking pile of gar--”

“You know what? Now that I think of it, I-I can probably reschedule. I would love to attend your festival, Applejack.”

“Really? You sure it ain’t in the way of anythin’?”

“Most definitely.”

“Well, okay then. I’ll see y’all there.”

“Heh heh heh…”

“I’ll get you for this, Rainbow, mark my wor--”

“YOUNG LADIES! THIS IS A CLASSROOM! THE NEXT TIME I CATCH ONE OF YOU JABBERING, IT’S DETENTION!”

“Woooooohooooooooo! BUCK YEAH! Festivaaaaaal! *splash*”

“Ugh, this festival is even more garish than last year’s.”

“I know, right? Totally awesome! Let’s go try some of that cake.”

“Ew, no thank you. If I wanted worms wriggling in my mouth, I’d eat dirt.”

“Come on, Rar, it doesn’t look that bad.”

“Easy for you to say. You actually enjoy this rebellious mish mash.”

“Rarity, ya made it!”

“Indeed I did, Applejack. A lady always keeps her word.”

“Well, ain’t that swell. How’re you likin’ the festival so far?”

“It’s... well… it’s certainly... interesting.”

“Tcheeheehee.”

“Wha’cha laughin’ at, Rainbow?”

“Nothing. I was just thinking of a really funny joke.”

“Oh, okay then. Rarity, have ya tried the cake, yet? I made it myself.”

“... the cake… well I--”

“No, she hasn’t. I was actually just about to give her a piece, right Rar?”

“… why… why I I… I... YES. Rainbow was just about to give me a piece of your… your… d-d-d-delicious mud cake.”

“Well, don’t let me stop y’all. Go on and try it.”

“Yeah, Rar, try it.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“*nibble*… it’s… it’s… d-d-delicious, Applejack.”

“Ahh, you’ve just gone and gotten the edge, Rarity. The best part’s in the center. Y’all’re gonna haveta take a nice big bite to get all the flavor.”

“PHpsheehehheh...!”

“Rainbow, what’s goin’ on with you? You sound like yur chokin’ or somethin’.”

“PHmch… ‘t’sNothing.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“*chomp*...... Hkk.... Hughm… Hugh… Hhkkk… ”

“... uh, ‘re you okay, Rarity?”

“mmmMMMMMMM! If ferry goof, Afflejaff! Hukkk… Hugh… Hwogh... FERRY GOOF! If DELIFOUFSH!”

“Well, I’m glad ya like it. Feel free ta have as much as ya want. I made plenty.”

“I FERFANLY VILL!”

“...”

“Madame Applejack, I apologize for bothering you, but your assistance is needed at table three.”

“Dagnabit, Neat Tux! Why’d’ya keep callin’ me ‘madame’ like I’m some kinda hoity toity Canterlotian or somethin’. It’s just plain Applejack. Apple Jack.”

“Very well, Apple Jack, your assistance is needed at--”

“Table three. I gotcha the first time. What’s the problem?”

“It appears your little sister is causing some sort of ruckus.”

“Applebloom!? She’s here!?”

“It appears so.”

“I thought I told that filly to stay at the farm. Where is she?”

“She appears to be at table three.”

“Shoot! Sorry Rarity, Rainbow. I gotta go take care o’ somethin’. See y’all later.”

“...”

“Vwueaaaaaaaaaa! *cough* *cough* *cough*”

“Baaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”

“Oh, do go on laughing. *cough* *cough* This is so incredibly funny.”

“Best. Festival. EVER!”

“I can’t believe you, Rainbow Dash! How could you possibly do something like that!? I’m your friend!”

“Heeheehee… I can’t believe you went that far.”

“You expected me to simply say ‘no’ to Applejack!?”

“Well yeah, that’s what any normal pony would do.”

“I am a lady, and ladies always act with politeness and dignity.”

“I didn’t know it was polite to lie.”

“Why you… uncouth... dirty... scoundrel! How dare you accuse me of lying!”

“So you’re saying you actually liked the cake?”

“... *sigh*, Rainbow, it is rude for a guest to say that the food she’s been given is disgusting. If I had told Applejack the truth, it would have hurt her feelings.”

“So if Applejack asked you jump off a cliff, you’d do it to not hurt her feelings?”

“...”

“That’s so wrong, Rar.”

“You’re the one who’s wrong! I was simply trying to be polite. There’s nothing wrong with having good manners.”

“There’s nothing wrong with saying ‘no’ if you don’t like something.”

“Yes there is! Augh, you have absolutely no sense of good behaviour whatsoever! Just as I’d expect of a…a... ”

“A what?”

“...”

“...”

“... nevermind.”

“No, tell me. Tell me what you really think of me, miss snooty snot. I’d like to know.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“You know something, Rar? The stuff you don’t say hurts a hay of a lot more than the stuff you do say. You wanna leave this ‘stinking pile of garbage’ so badly? Go ahead. I won’t tell Applejack your precious little feelings about it. I’m gonna go have some real fun.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...*sigh*”

“Now get yur high tale turnin’ and head on back to the farm, Applebloom.”

“But sis, I wanna--”

“No more buts, little missy. Get movin’.”

“...fine.”

“Land sakes, that filly can be such a varment sometimes.”

“...”

“...”

“... Applejack?”

“Oh, hey, Rarity, what’s goin’ on?”

“... I... I have something to tell you.”

“Okay, I’m listenin.”

“... it’s about the festival... I…don’t…”

“...”

“...”

“You okay, Rarity? You look kinda antzy.”

“I don’t like it!”

“Woah, calm down now, I didn’t mean to offend ya.”

“No, I mean the festival.”

“The festival?”

“Yes, I don’t like this festival... at all.”

“... you don’t?”

“No, I don’t. To be honest, it’s possibly the most disgusting event I’ve ever attended.”

“...”

“The attendees are the most boorish brutes I have ever laid eyes on.”

“...”

“The events are the most rubbish mish mash I have ever taken part in.”

“...”

“And the cake… the cake… ...”

“Uh huh, what about the cake?”

“The cake was the most disgusting thing I ever put in my mouth. I nearly vomited.”

“...”

“...”

“... I’m really sorry, Applejack, I didn’t mean to--”

“Well, if ya didn’t like it, why the hay’d you even come?”

“... I ...I suppose I didn’t want you to know that I didn’t like it.”

“You suppose.”

“I… I...”

“Lyin’ is not a nice thing to do, Rarity.”

“...”

“It’s a downright despicable thing to do.”

“... I’m--”

“Despicable, I tells ya!”

“...”

“It’s a downright, gaul-durn, hop-toppin’, scuttle bustin’, despicable thang ta do! And you just did it jus’ now!”

“...”

“Why, somepony lyin’s wors’n somepony murderin’ a thousand little fillies in cold blood! You’n aughta be sent straight down to Tartarus fur doin’ what ya’ll gaul durn just did right then and there!”

“... eh?“

“Rarity, from now on, I don’t ever wanna see your ugly lyin’ face again. Not now, not--heh heh heh, I can’t do it no more. Heh heh hahahahahaaa! I really had ya goin’ there, didn’t I?”

“... had me going?”

“Rarity, I knew ya didn’t like the cake right when ya put the thing in yur mouth. I could see it on yur face.”

“... you could?”

“Yeah, and I didn’t expect ya ta like the festival either. To be honest, I wasn’t even expectin’ ya to show up. I know this it ain’t yur type o’ thing. So don’t worry so much. Yur face made ya look like ya’ll were about to commit a murder’r somethin’.”

"..."

"..."

“KNnkk…chknkkk...khkk...kchnkk”

“Woah nelly, are you cryin’?”

“Kkchk… No! I’m simply…filled with...oh who to hay with it! Whaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaahaaaaa. AhhhhhhhhhhHhhhhhhhhh!“

“Woah, now, calm down, Rarity. Everythin’s gonna be alright.”

“Naohoho ihihit issnnnnnnnnnn’t! I’ve been such a… such a… such a… Phvvaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaa!”

“Rarity, please calm down. I forgive ya. I forgive ya.”

“Eeeheeeeeeeeeeeee…kkkkn…eeeheeeeeeeee… kkhh... EeheeheeheEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaehhhhhhh Eeeeeeehaahhahhahhhhhh!”

“... uh…Rarity?”

“Eeeeeeehaaawwwwwww! Eeeeeeeeeehawwwwwwwwwww!”

“... Rarity?”

“Eeeeeeeeeeehawwwwwwwwww!”

“... what in tarnation is goin’ on?”

“Eeeeeeeeeeehawwwwwwwwww!”

“Hey AJ, where the hay is that noise coming from? It sounds like a--”

“Eeeeeeeeeeehawwwwwwwwww!”

“Rainbow! Thank Celestia. Rarity here won’t stop cryin’. And now she’s gone and started actin’ like a donkey out o’ the blue. I don’t even know what ta say.”

“Eeeeeeehaaawwwwwwww! Eeeeeeehaaawwwwwwww!”

“... yeah… that might be my fault.”

“Your fault?”

“I kinda had an argument with her earlier, and it didn’t end well.”

“Eeeeeeehaaawwwwwwww!”

“Well go on and fix it, Rainbow.”

“...”

“Eeeeeeehaaawwwwwwww!”

“Rainbow!? What’s wrong with you? Go on and fix it already!”

“But she started it!”

“Eeeeeeeeeeeee--I most certainly did not start it, Rainbow--haaawwwwwwww!”

“Yes you did!”

“You were the one who--eeeeeeeeeeeee--blackmailed me into coming to this--hawwwwwwwww--festival in the first place!”

“Well you’re the one who’s a--”

“Eeeeeeeeeehaaawwwwwwww!”

“Could you stop doing that!?”

“Eeeeeeeeeee--I can’t--hawwwwwwww!”

“Why not!?”

“Eeeeeeeeeehaaawwwwwwww!”

“Stop it!”

“Eeeeeeeeeehaaawwwwwwww!”

“Rarity!”

“Eeeeeeeeeehaaawwwwwwww!”

“...I’m sorry, alright.”

“Eeeeeeeeee--sorry about what?--haaawwwwwwww!”

“I shouldn’t have blackmailed you into coming, alright! I’m sorry! Now stop doing that!”

“Do you honestly think that--Eeeeeeeeeeee--I wouldn’t stop doing this--hawwwwwwwww--the moment that I could!”

“You mean you’re not doing it because you’re mad at me!?”

“Why would I--eeeeeeeeehaaaawwww--ever do something as embarrassing as this--eeeeehawwwwwwwwwww--just because I’m--eeeeeeeee---eee--e… it… it stopped.”

“It stopped?”

“Yes, it stopped. Ewwwww, that was absolutely horrendous. It was like I had no control whatsoever over my actions.”

“Woah nelly, look behind ya, Rarity.”

“......... oh my stars, Princess Celestia!?”

“Hello, my little ponies, it looks like you’ve learned a valuable lesson about friendship.”

“... what?”

“And all I needed to do was cast an ‘act like a donkey’ spell on you.”

“... what?”

“I used my ‘princess of the sun’ magic to cast an ‘act like a donkey’ spell on you, my dear Rarity.”

“... what?”

“The spell that I cast on you made you go ‘heeehawww!’ like a donkey.”

“... wh… WHY IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA-- I-I mean… why in the name of YOU would you ever do something like that?”

“To get this stubborn pegasus here to say she was sorry to you, of course.”

“Hey, stop messing with my mane!”

“... what?”

“You see, Rainbow Dash never would have come here if you hadn’t acted like a donkey, and she never would have apologized if you hadn’t kept on doing it. Isn’t that right, my little gumdrop?”

“Stop messing with my mane!”

“... what?”

“If you hadn’t cried out like a donkey, Rainbow here never would have learned that true friends apologize to each other.”

“Ffnaaah, stop messing with my mane!”

“... what?”

“What in the tarn of all ation is goin’ on?”

“Oh stay out of this, Applejack, you’re completely ruining Rainbow’s half of the lesson.”

“Akk, stop messing with my mane!”

“*FLASH*”

“Sweet Apple Acres incarnate, TWO princess Celestias!? Dagnabit, what the hay is goin’ on!?”

“Discord, you wretched, wretched beast! What the hell do you think you’re doing taking my appearance!?”

“... what?”

“Oh fooie! And just when it was getting good! *poof* Why do you have to ruin everything, Celi!? I was just about to get these ponies to learn one of your, oh so important, lessons about friendship, especially this rainbow one.”

“Stop messing with my mane!”

“But now they have to leave this festival completely empty-hoofed. You really are a nag, Celestia. I was this close to getting Rainbow here to learn.”

“Stop messing with my freaking mane, ahhhh!”

“Discord, you are herefore warned, if you ever take my form again, I’ll have you turned to stone.”

“Hah, very well. This whole ordeal became boring the minute you appeared, anyways. See you later, my little ponies, and goodbye, ‘princess.’ *poof*”

“...”

“My most sincere apologies to you three. Discord has been acting much more chaotic than usual as of late.”

“... what?”

“It seems like the foul weather we’ve been having recently has somehow affected his politeness. I’ll have to have him watched much more closely.”

“... what?”

“I said I’ll have to have Discord watched more closely.”

“... what?”

“Discord. I’ll have to have him watched more closely.”

“... what?”

“Good gravy, Rarity, what the hay is wrong with you!? Even I understood that?”

“... what?”

“Oh, I see, Discord must have placed a repetition spell on you. It will only take me a moment to undo it. *flash* There, better now?”

“... much better, thank you. Eghh, I absolutely loathe being controlled like that.”

“Tcheeheheeehee.”

“Rainbow, why are you laughing?”

“Are you sure you don’t like being controlled, Rarity?”

“... what?”

“Hahahahaaahahahahaaa!”

“...what!?”