So You Think You Can Troll?
So You Think You Can Troll?
By: Sorren
Gabe Newell sat at his computer desk in a barely-lit room, a can of open soda to the right and a bag of chips next to that. He snickered silently to himself. He had just finished an expert-realism game on ‘Left 4 dead 2.’ He and three other players had painstakingly fought their way through four stages of hell. But the best part was at the end. After retrying the bridge finale for the seventeenth time, he had incapacitated all his teammates as they were approaching the helicopter. From there he had spacebarred around until a Charger took him. He was now sitting in the safe room with Ellis Rochelle and Nick, the previous players nowhere to be seen.
Feeling snacky, he emptied the remnants of chip bag and washed it down with the remaining soda. He stifled a belch and rearranged himself in the ergonomic rollychair. He hit escape and moused over to leave this lobby. The message “Are you sure you want to leave?” met his gaze. “You will be letting your teammates down!” Gabe clicked the override and was returned to the title screen.
He was about to join another game when something prodded him in the shoulder. “Yes?” he asked.
“Listen to this,” a gleeful voice said.
Gabe removed his own headphones and grasped the pair that levitated next to his ear. He put the headset on to hear the sound of yelling voices.
“Who is this guy!?” a teenager yelled.
“Can’t we just kick him?” asked another.
“I’ve already tried!” the first replied. “He doesn’t even show up on the list!”
“Look asshole,” a gruff voice growled. “If you don’t cut it out, I’m going to hunt you down and kill you in real life!”
Gabe snickered. “Looks like you found yourself an internet tough guy,” he said to the figure behind him. “Pretty good,” he complimented.
“Pretty good?” a female voice replied, sounding hurt. “That’s it?”
He shrugged. “I’ve seen better.”
“Really now?” Gabe grasped his keyboard tray as it was magically pushed into the desk. He pulled it back out, fought with it for a minute, and then gave up. The tray slammed into the desk.
He spun slowly around in his chair. “Was that necessary?” he asked the alicorn.
Celestia nodded. “Of course it was.”
He leveled his gaze with the goddess. “I thought we already went over this. You don’t touch my keyboard.”
She shrugged. “Slipped my mind.”
“About those gamers you had your way with,” he changed topics. “You know I’ve done better. You know you’ve done better.” He adjusted his glasses, examining the alicorn’s expression in the dull light.
“Oh yeah?” she challenged. “When have you done better?”
“All the time,” he replied crossing his arms. “You’re just normally on the dayshift at Canterlot.”
“Oh sure,” she said sarcastically. “You become the troll master when I’m away on my duties.”
Gabe nodded. “Yep. During the day, most of the kids on are homeschoolers. And you know how pissy homeschoolers get.”
Celestia nodded in agreement. “True,” she murmured. “But do you want to back it up?”
“Of course I do.” Gabe stood up. “But I’m hungry. You better try and hone in your skills while I go heat up some hot pockets.” He turned to her. “You want one?”
“Absolutely.” Celestia returned to her own computer. The keys on the keyboard began to magically press themselves. The mouse animated itself and began to move. She cast Gabe a glance before he left. “I await your return.”
He gave her a brief nod and left the room.
Celestia turned to her computer screen and brought up ‘Team fortress 2.’ After a minute she was well into the game. Reading the dialogue box was one of her favorite pastimes.
ROFLgamer: Who’s that engie dancing on the dispenser?
BoBtHeDeStRoYeR: It says ToTheMoon
ROFLgamer: is there an admin here?
ToTheMoon: Nope.
Celestia couldn’t help herself. The best route to trolling was never to speak. But sometimes the occasional jibe really helped the situation.
JohnnyBRavado: I think there’s a votekick mod.
ROFLgamer: Votekick ToTheMoon
Joey: Hey. can anybody give me free stuff. I’m f2p.
BoBtHeDeStRoYeR: no
JohnnyBRavado: NO!
jimbob: No way.
ROFLgamer: You suck, uninstall the game.
Celestia smiled to herself. She was barely even having to do anything. This server was taking care of itself. She danced on her dispenser a while longer until her teammates needed it. Then she destroyed it, instead switching to a different class and calling for a dispenser.
Gabe re-entered the room carrying two paper plates, each one sporting a steaming hot pocket. Celestia levitated one of the plates from his hand and set it next to the computer.
Gabe looked at her seriously. “You aren’t actually going to challenge me to a troll battle?”
Celestia shot him a look. “You’ve known me long enough. Does it look like I’m joking?”
“Nope.” He sat down and blew gingerly on his hot pocket. “Who gets the first go?”
“Why, me of course.” Celestia levitated her hot pocket and took a generous bite.
Gabe just rolled his eyes. “The gamers are going to be talking about this one for a long time.”
“Are you ready?” she implied.
He shrugged. “Whenever you are.”
Celestia pointedly turned back to her screen and magically unplugged the headset. “Let the fun commence.”
Gabe pulled up his rollychair and sat behind Celestia as she joined a random game. He watched her go medic and for the next three minutes, tag around her teammates building and ubercharge. A heavy called for her and she followed him into the heat of battle. All attention turned to the heavy as he and Celestia neared the point.
“Get ready medic,” a player named Razzlefrazzle said.
Celestia popped the ubercharge and turned herself invincible. But instead of using the effect on the heavy, she used it on the nearby disguised spy, about to take out the enemy sentry gun. The heavy was taken out by the overwhelming enemy force while the invincible spy looked at the character she was playing.
“The fuck?” he typed.
“Why’d you do that!?” yelled Razzlefrazzle. “Fucking moron, we could have won!”
Gabe took a bite of his hot pocket, stifling a yawn. “Come on Celestia. You’ve been trolling with me for almost a year; I know you can do better.”
She left the game and turned to face him. “Your turn.”
Gabe cocked an eyebrow. “That’s it?”
“I was just getting warmed up.”
“Okay then.” Gabe rolled his chair back over to his computer. Celestia stood and watched his screen expectantly.
He looked back at her. “Fun trolling or angry?”
“Fun,” she replied.
Gabe brought up the left 4 dead 2 screen and joined a game in finale. It was the end of Dark Carnival. The players were waiting expectantly for the helicopter that would be flying into the stadium at any minute. He opened the developers console and initiated a sequence of complex codes.
“What are you doing?” Celestia asked him.
Gabe didn’t look away from the screen. “You’ll see.”
“Look!” Rochelle yelled from the game. “The helicopter’s here.”
“Yeeeeehaw!” a Cajun voice yelled. “Get on da’ boat!”
Gabe smiled to himself a fishing boat came flying in from the sky. It flew to a stop and hovered in the air, waiting for the players to board.
“Uhhhhhh,” The person playing as Ellis drawled.
Orange typed, “lolwhat?”
“Come awn!” the person playing Rochelle yelled with fake urgency. “Get to da’ magic flyin’ boat!”
Gabe typed another series of code. He closed the developers console and leaned back in his chair. His current character, Coach, exploded like a propane tank.
A player laughed into his mic. “What the hell is going on?”
The game switched to the cinematic as the remaining players boarded the heliboat. They flew away out of the stadium and the credits started rolling.
Gabe turned in his chair and looked expectantly at Celestia.
The alicorn looked back at him levelly. “I’ll admit, that was pretty funny.”
Gabe nodded towards Celestia’s computer. “Your turn.”
She cocked her head. “Before I begin, are there any rules?”
Gabe shook his head. “No, just don’t mess up the servers too much.”
Celestia smiled evilly. “Don’t worry, I won’t.”
She turned to her computer and opened the steam maintenance server. She began typing long streams of code. Gabe had taught her the code himself. Now he wished he hadn’t.
“What are you doing?” he asked her.
She didn’t turn to reply. “Oh not much. I’m just rerouting the server packets for the tf2 tournament servers.”
Gabe raised an eyebrow, watching as she completed the code. “Where are you sending them?”
She grinned. “Through the moon.”
He frowned. “What does that put the ping at?”
Celestia layered her voice with sarcasm. “I’d say over nine thousand. But that joke got old a long time ago.”
“You do know I’m going to going to get a lot of hatemail because of that.”
“Your problem, not mine,” she said impartially. She hit the enter key and they both watched as the ping for the tournament servers skyrocketed.
Gabe rolled his eyes as his email notification went off. “My turn,” he stated.
He rolled over to his computer and began his work. Celestia watched eagerly. Gabe began entering his own lines of code.
Celestia leaned over his shoulder and whispered in his ear. “Nice typo keyboard warrior.”
Gabe’s fingers stopped moving for a second. “Aren’t you supposed to be trolling on the internet?”
Celestia typed a quick message on her own computer.
A steam message popped up in the lower right-hand corner of Gabe’s screen.
ToTheMoon: Gayben? It read.
He turned away from his monitor and deadpanned at her cheeky expression. “You’re not funny.” he said coolly. He went back to what he was doing.
“Okay,” he said after a minute. “Since you’re so keen to send things to the moon, I did it myself.
Celestia grinned. “What did you do?”
Gabe sat back and crossed his arms. “Anyone who has World of Warcraft added to their steam library will auto exit the game. Then steam will install and auto-launch Moonbase Alpha.”
“Hey,” Celestia protested. “That’s my trademark.”
Gabe shrugged. “I thought this was a troll battle?”
“Fine,” Celestia replied haughtily. “Have it your way.” She returned to her station and launched Left 4 Dead 2. Hopping onto a random server, she began to mess with the code.
“Just curious?” Gabe asked. “Are we like, cheating?”
Celestia turned to him. “Cheating?”
“Using the source code to mess with people.”
She nickered. “Nah, it’s all in fair game.”
The players in her game began to cry out with rage and confusion.
“They’re all boomers!” one yelled.
“Alright, who’s hacking!?” another called angrily.
“I’m not letting you win,” Gabe said matter-of-factly. He pulled up a window and did some crafty keyboard work. “There,” he declared triumphantly. “Added a re-skin of a weapon to tf2 and made it really valuable on the spreadsheet.”
“Oh I see,” Celestia mused. “Then everyone buys it and the price drops to near nothing.”
“Yep.”
“Very clever,” she chided. “Maybe you want to see what I’m doing.”
Gabe sighed and turned in his chair. “Yes?”
Celestia was currently in the process of finishing the end of Portal. She threw the final part into the incinerator and the machine in the center of the big circular room let out an electronic cry of rage and pain.
“Impressive,” Gabe drawled.
“Wait for it,” Celestia said eagerly.
The two watched as parts of the large dome began to fall apart. Gabe made a queue with his finger at the point where GLaD0S would fly away team rocket style. Instead, everything stopped and Gabe froze in the middle of his gesture. Slowly, a hatch opened in the ground and a small cake rose up on a platform.
“Caaaaaaaake,” Glad0s said.
Gabe’s mouth fell open. “What have you done?”
Celestia shot him a venomous look. “She wasn’t lying about the cake, was she?”
Gabe turned to his computer and quickly brought up the Steam library. He looked down the list to see a small line of yellow letters.
“1 item downloading: currently updating; Portal, 24% complete.”
Something dropped in his mind. “You wanted a battle,” he said in monotone. “You got one.” He cracked his knuckles. He launched steam. After that, he opened the notification browser and composed a message to every steam player. He thought for a moment and began to type.
Dear steam users. It is with great excitement that I proudly announce the future release of team fortress three. But it is also my duty to inform you that you that the items will not be rolling over from the previous game. Also, we are now sponsoring Call of Duty, and may merge some of the game’s key concepts with our new allies.
Sincerely:
Gabe
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Very impressive.” She thought for a moment. “I didn’t know you could count to three?”
Gabe shot her a curious look. “I don’t understand.”
“Well,” she mused. “There’s Half Life 2 episode two, Left 4 dead, Team Fortress 2, Portal 2. You always stop at three. Then you jumped to four with Left 4 Dead. I always thought you just forgot about the number three.”
Gabe’s eye twitched. “Right.” He turned back to his computer. “Oh wait,” he stated. “It’s your turn.”
“Very well.” Her horn lit up and she began to type. Gabe would have been worried had he not put up a mental wall when the cake had stopped being a lie.
“Just took hats out of tf2,” she declared gleefully.
Gabe nodded. “Cool.” He turned back to his computer and set to work. A determined look set in eye. He would win this.
“What are you going to do?” Celestia asked, sounding genuinely interested.
Gabe thought about it. “Well, I would make tf2 free to play, but I already did that to get a good kick last year.” He hit a few keys. “Here we go.” He smiled genuinely to himself. “Let’s give every person with Call of Duty a free copy of Counter Strike. OH, and let the Xbox piggyback on the pc servers.”
Celestia watched silently as Gabe unleashed hell upon his gamers. Finally, he turned to her and adjusted his glasses, which had fallen askew. “Done,” he stated.
She shot him a devious smile. “You won’t beat this.” He watched as she set to work.
Gabe no longer cared about his servers. He had to win. There was no way he could let Celestia beat him. He was the best troll. Not this alicorn who trolled with him for her nights off from duties at Canterlot.
She won’t win, he told himself. No matter what, she wasn’t going to win.
“And done!” she declared. “I just set a monthly fee for the installation and use of Steam.
Gabe cringed. That would be hard to beat.
“I dare you to beat that,” Celestia said triumphantly.
A wide grin crept across Gabe’s face. “I will.” He rolled himself closer to his computer and wiggled his fingers experimentally above the keyboard. He opened the list of games and their release dates and moused over the name ‘Half Life 3.’ He skimmed the contents.
Half Life 3: OFFICAL release date, January 1st, 2013.
He selected the section of text, and with a little chuckle, typed in the new information
Half Life 3: SUSPENDED INDEFINATELY.
Celestia’s mouth opened a little.
Gabe opened the folder containing the completed and only digital copy of the game. He then right clicked and scrolled down to the option ‘shred.’
He swiveled in his chair and turned a triumphant gaze on Celestia. “What was that you were saying about me not winning?”
The alicorn’s jaw sagged. She looked around the room in dumbstruck awe. “Wow,” she muttered confusedly. “Yeah… yeah, you won.”
Gabe crossed his arms. “Told you so.”
Celestia nodded absently. “Yeah… yeah you did… wow.” She trailed off, balking at Gabe. “Well, I have to get back to Canterlot,” she declared awkwardly. There was a bright flash of white light and the alicorn was gone.
* * *
“We are currently outside the Steam headquarters!” yelled the news reporter into his microphone. “And it’s living hell out here. Seven hours ago, Gabriel Newell, the co-founder and managing director of the company Valve, officially declared that the game ‘Half Life 3’ will never be released!”
A mob of people ran by in the background and the reporter was forced to dodge out of the way or be trampled. “The community has not taken kindly the devastating news and rioting has been reported worldwide! Two hours ago, the United States Government declared that we are at DEFCON ONE. WE still don’t know how this will turn out!” The reporter looked worriedly into the camera. “But the question that is on all of our minds right now is. ‘Why Gabe why? What were you thinking?” he looked back at the camera. “This is John Sanders, signing off.”
* * *
Gabe turned off the television, having just seen the live broadcast. A wide smile slowly crept across his face. “I won.”
I just shit bricks.
