Pizza Parties and Pleasure Poopers
Loud pop music.
Pillows flying everywhere.
Flashing strobe lights.
It’s a good thing Pinkie Pie had the sense to soundproof her room, thought Twilight Sparkle, staring in mild amusement at the chaos before her. They’re making enough noise to wake the dead in here.
She ducked as a pillow made its desire to violently hug her face known. Raising her head, she poked her tongue out at Rainbow Dash, already in the process of acquiring more fluffy ammunition.
“Your aim needs work, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight teased.
“My aim was just fine, Miss Prissy Pony Princess,” Rainbow countered. “It’s your monster-fighting reflexes that saved you this time. If I didn’t know how bad you were at soccer—mmmph!”
“Well, I know how bad you are at makin’ yourself a hard target, R.D.,” said Applejack. She burst into laughter as Rainbow pulled the pillow from her face and bared her teeth.
“That’s it! You’re gonna get it now, A.J.!” she cried, leaping with two pillows in her hand.
Twilight rolled her eyes and leaned back against the bedhead. She turned to Fluttershy, busy cringing and shielding her face every few seconds.
“Are Pinkie’s parties always like this?” she said, voice raised over the music.
Fluttershy spread her fingers a little so Twilight could see her eyes, and shook her head. “Um, no… normally worse. Rainbow and Applejack haven’t even started on the cider yet.”
“Oh boy…”
Twilight slapped her forehead and returned her attention to the continuous meleé, Sapphire Shores’ latest hit blasting in her ears. The flickering, pulsing strobe light gave her the impression that she was being continuously blasted by the Elements of Harmony themselves.
I wonder if this is similar to what Sunset saw, before we…
Twilight sighed and eyed the bedroom floor. Sitting in front of Pinkie’s television, Pinkie and Sunset appeared to be playing some kind of hand-to-hand combat simulator. Sunset had a smug grin on her face as she methodically pressed a series of buttons on the controller in her hand; her character appeared to be on a much greater amount of health than Pinkie’s.
“I thought you said you knew how to play this game, Pinkie Pie,” Sunset said. “I don’t think I’ve ever had such an easy opponent before.”
Pinkie sat with the tip of her tongue poking out, her eyebrows lowered in frustration. “Gee, you’re really good at this, Sunny. Guess I’ll have to bust out my secret moves.”
“What secret moves? All you’ve been doing so far is button mashing.”
“Uh, duh!” Pinkie said. “Everyone knows the faster you push buttons, the more things happen.”
“Not in this one, Pinkie,” Sunset said as her character unleashed a magical fireball from his hands. “You’ve got to know the proper order—wait, what?”
Twilight and Sunset stared in disbelief as Pinkie’s character caught Sunset’s in a relentless combination of punches, knees, and karate chops. Before anyone could register what had happened, Sunset’s character was twitching on the ground, his bones bent at odd angles and a red pool spreading beneath him. In a heartbeat, the life bar depicting Sunset’s stamina flashed rapidly from green to dark crimson.
“But… but how?” Sunset said, her eyes glued to the screen. “I was totally mopping the floor with you and wringing you out for good measure!”
Pinkie shrugged. “Pinkie just lucky, I guess.”
Sunset sighed and looked up at Twilight. “You saw that, right? How’d she do… Twilight? You okay?”
Twilight moved her hands slowly from her mouth down to her lap and nodded. “Yes, I’m fine, Sunset. I’m just not very… er, comfortable with the sight of blood.”
“Awww, don’t worry about it, Twilight!” Pinkie said, bouncing onto the bed and pulling her into a hug that would make Harry the Bear jealous of her grip. “It’s not real!”
“I understand where she’s coming from, Pinkie,” Sunset said. “In Equestria, there’s really not much violence at all. Hardly anypony ever gets into a real fight, and we haven’t had a murder in the last hundred years since the Princess made the punishment permanent banishment to the sun. I mean, unless anything’s changed since I was there. Twilight?”
Twilight shook her head. “Yes, that law is still in place, and no, Equestria remains ‘murder-free’ for over a century. Violent crime is virtually non-existent these days—well, unless you count the many foes my friends and I have had to battle in the past two years.”
There was a knock on the door; Rarity tentatively poked her head through the gap, promptly withdrawing it as a particularly high note from Sapphire Shores hit her ears.
“Goodness, Pinkie!” she shouted from outside the room. “I’m all for Sapphire Shores, but that volume will give even my cat back at home ruptured eardrums from here.”
“What?”
“My point, darling!”
Twilight rolled her eyes and moved to Pinkie’s bedside table. She turned the dial until the bright pink boom box made the song’s bass less of a boom and more of a thump.
“Thank you, Twilight.”
Rarity entered the room properly, her hair in curlers. “You know, we should try to socialise with your little sisters more, Pinkie Pie. They have quite a flair for fashion—I painted Marble’s nails a gorgeous purple to go with her skin, and Limestone agreed to model for my next line. Oh, and Maud says the pizzas are ready.”
“Pizza?”
Rainbow and Applejack cried out in tandem and dropped their pillows. “Why didn’t ya say so first, Rarity? Applejack asked. “We could have filled our stomachs a whole five seconds faster!”
“You mean, I could have,” Rainbow said, already racing for the door. “I’ll try to leave you some—no promises though!”
“Oh, no you don’t!”
Everyone laughed as Applejack bolted downstairs after the rainbow trail left in her friend’s wake.
“That Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said. “I swear, she could run a pizza business into the ground by herself.”
“Um, should we follow them? I don’t want to go to bed hungry tonight…”
Sunset looked at Fluttershy. “Knowing those two, you’re probably right. Come on, girls—that pizza will be blasting off in T-minus five seconds if we don’t stop the ignition sequence.”
I am never eating pizza again, Twilight thought, rubbing her swollen midsection. Back in Pinkie’s room, she looked down to her own plate, where the remains of her cheese-and-rock-salt pizza sat going cold. “Hey, girls? Anyone want my last slice? I think if I eat any more, I’ll explode—possibly twice over.”
A loud belch answered her; she looked up to see Sunset’s outstretched arms and grasping fingers almost in her face.
“Sure thing, Twilight. I’m always there for my friends,” she said with a wink.
Before Twilight could close the distance, a rainbow blur shot between her and Sunset. The slice of pizza disappeared as Rainbow practically scarfed down the whole thing in one bite.
“Holy horseshoes, Rainbow!” Twilight yelled. “Are you sure you haven’t broken the sound barrier in this world too?”
Rainbow sighed as slice number thirteen made its way to her gut. “Aw yeah, that hit the spot. Cheers, Twilight.” She grinned. “Oh, and no, although I have been up in a stunt plane before with Captain Spitfire of the Wonderbolts. Best birthday present ever!”
“So, anyway, what’s it like to have your own palace and kingdom now, Princess?” Rarity interjected, a scowl on her face as she stared at Rainbow.
“Oh. Uh, well, not much has changed, really,” Twilight said. “Everything’s been peaceful since Tirek and the Dazzlings were defeated. Yet even so, my meddling sister-in-law insisted she lend me some of her Royal Guard. I pretty much just let them do what they want, though. At least they stay out of my way. That’s always nice.”
“Oh, but surely you relish in the attention? The concern? The servants at your beck and call?”
Twilight made to answer when suddenly a fierce, white-hot pain shot through her abdomen.
“Ah!” She bent double as the pain intensified; it felt like someone repeatedly stabbing her.
“Twilight, are you okay?”
Twilight looked up as she felt Fluttershy’s hand on her shoulder. “What’s wrong? Did you eat too much?”
“No, I… argh! I don’t know… what this is!” Twilight said through gritted teeth. She sucked in a gasp of air through pursed lips. “Pinkie… where’s your bathroom? I think I’m gonna be sick.”
“Two shakes of your tail down the hall, a leap to the right, and a pirouette through the door. Easy peasy.”
“Right… thank you—argh!”
Twilight made to stand, but fell back down again as yet another hot knife plunged itself into her gut. Her hands immediately flew back to her abdomen.
“C’mere, Twilight.”
Applejack grasped her under the arms and lifted her to her feet. “Ah, sorry, sugarcube,” she said as Twilight cried out again. “I’ll try to be gentle, promise.”
Twilight nodded, teeth clenched, and let herself be led out in Applejack’s supportive grip. They came to the turn and saw the door at the end of the narrow passage. Applejack pushed it open, but before she could guide Twilight through the door, Sunset rounded the corner.
“Hey, uh… I think I know what’s going on. Twilight—” they locked gazes “—describe your pain to me. Do you feel like a giant hand has grabbed your insides and twisted?”
“More like the hand has crushed them and is trying to… grrrr... tear them through my skin.”
Twilight watched as Sunset fell silent and covered her mouth; she looked at Applejack and mouthed something, to which Applejack’s eyes widened.
“Okay, you sort her out. It’ll be better if she hears it from you, Sunset.”
At Sunset’s nod, Applejack clenched Twilight’s shoulder. “You listen here, Twilight,” she said. “You’re in good hands with Sunset. Just try not to freak out, okay?”
“What’s… argh… going on?”
“Good luck.”
Applejack released Twilight after a quick hug, and for some reason looked at the floor before walking back to Pinkie’s room.
“Come on, Twilight,” Sunset said. “Let’s get you in there. We don’t need Cloudy Quartz yelling at us in the morning for making a mess.”
“Sunset, please, tell me. Am I dying?”
The bathroom door closed behind them as Sunset guided Twilight over to the bathtub. She reached over the porcelain bowl and turned on both faucets.
“No, you’re not dying, Twilight,” Sunset said over the running water, “although I’m sure right now you probably wish you were. Trust me, I know exactly what you’re going through, and it’s not pretty.”
“Sunset Shimmer, you tell me this instant what is wrong with me, or so help me Celestia I will tear your hair out!”
“Okay, okay! Settle, petal. Look, long story short… you’re on your period.”
“My what? What in Tartarus does that mean?” Twilight growled.
“Right. An explanation, then. Er… yeah, the thing is…”
An hour later, Twilight lay on Pinkie’s bed, holding her stomach. She groaned as the pain clenched her again, although it had mercifully ebbed to a more manageable ache thanks to the half-gram of naproxen pills that Rarity had supplied her with.
“So, you’re telling me that ponies… don’t experience… well, you know.”
“No, Rarity, they—we don’t,” Twilight said. “And I don’t understand how any of you can possibly live through this. I’ve never experienced such agony in my life. Not even the time when the contents of a removalist carriage fell on me compares to… this.”
She sucked in another quick breath. “I mean, I’m all for research and learning, but I think I’d rather have not known about, er, ‘shark week,’ as Sunset so eloquently put it in the bathroom.”
“You poor thing,” Fluttershy said. “We’ve all had to deal with this since before freshman year, so we’re used to it by now. But you’re an adult by Equestrian standards, aren’t you? Oh, I can’t imagine…” She covered her face and looked away.
“You know, this would probably explain the times where Sunset went into Super Bitch Mode as opposed to Regular Bitch Mode back in the day,” Rainbow said. She snuck a glance sideways. “Er, no offense, Sunset.”
“None taken,” Sunset replied. “I was a pretty big bitch to you all. And of course, I completely understand that you weren’t in your right mind in there earlier, Twilight, so I forgive all the horrible things you said in the bathroom to me.”
“Uh, yeah… sorry about all that,” Twilight said, her face reddening. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“Oh, that just happens sometimes,” Fluttershy said. “I mean, I have anaemia naturally, so it affects me terribly. I usually just say I’m sick from school. Trust me—you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
“But, I’m going to have to endure this for the rest of my vacation!”
Twilight slumped further down onto the bed and covered her head, groaning through the pillow. After a second, she discarded it. “This is, quite honestly, the most horrible experience I’ve ever had. I don’t think I could take another four days of this.”
“Five, darling.”
“Not helping, Rarity!” Twilight hissed.
“I’m sorry, Twilight, but it looks like you’re going to have to wait it out,” Sunset said. She grabbed Twilight’s hand and gently squeezed. “I know it’s going to be hard, but we’ll help you get through it. And just think—when it’s time to go home, you won’t get it anymore!”
Twilight’s eyes shot open.
“Sunset Shimmer, I could kiss you for that. You’re a genius!” She bolted upright, ignoring the accompanying pang. “It’s really that easy! I can’t believe I didn’t think of it!”
“Um, I don’t think you should do that, Twilight—”
“I’ll just activate the portal again,” Twilight continued, ignoring Fluttershy. “I’ll go back to Equestria—”
“Actually, that’s a really bad idea, Twilight—”
“I’ll reschedule my vacation—”
“Please, listen to me, Twilight—”
“And I’ll return pain-and-mess-free! This is perfect!”
Fluttershy made to raise a hand, but lowered it and closed her mouth as Twilight jumped off the bed.
“I’m sorry to abandon you all, girls. Sorry for you, Pinkie—this really was a great party, at least until my dumb body decided it was in its best interests to self-destruct.”
“Aw, it’s okay,” Pinkie said. “We can have double double the party party next time, so then we can double double the fun fun fun fun!”
“You will be back, won’t you, darling?” Rarity asked.
Twilight nodded and raised her hand. “It’s a promise, everyone. A Pinkie Promise, even.” She lowered her hand to her chest and moved it in a specific, familiar motion; everyone else followed suit.
“Cross my heart and hope to fly,
Stick a cupcake in my eye.”
After the chorus faded, Twilight smiled around at her friends. She opened her arms, and they all rushed in to collectively squeeze each other.
“See you all in about a week, okay? I’ll miss you.”
“We’ll miss you too,” said Sunset with a wave.
After a final salute, Twilight opened Pinkie’s bedroom door and descended the stairs. She made it to the landing and strolled toward the front door. On her left in the kitchen, she waved to Maud, stopping only to raise an eyebrow at the steadily growing pile of cereal pops on the bench, Boulder at their centre.
Her stomach clenched again as she took her first step out into the cool night air. She rubbed it, taking a deep breath. “No, I definitely won’t miss you,” she told it.
“Okay, now where did I park that thing?”
Immediately after she stumbled back through the magic mirror, Twilight checked her vital signs.
Pulse… okay. Pain… gone. Urge to yell Celestial murder at everypony I meet… fading. Excellent!
After skipping in place for a moment, Twilight trotted down the corridor. Everything was going to be fine. Everything was normal. Everything was—
A familiar heat arose in her loins, just as an all-too-familiar guard poked his orange head around the corner to investigate the hoofsteps.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
“Back already, Princess Twilight? We weren’t expecting you for—”
A flash of light later, a purple hoof was pressed against his mouth.
“You. Me. Bedroom. Now.”
Author's Note
Written for the hell of it. It had to be done.
Hope it entertains at least some of you.
"We officially have done too much research on periods."
Syeekoh
"I never thought I'd see you type stuff like this, CV. You have done well, young padawan."
Stiggerzz
For those who don't understand the ending, Twilight switched straight from menstruation to estrus.
