Button Bash

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 1703

King of the Hill is taken way too far by one colt's overactive imagination and lack of restraint.

Button the Masher, the most fearsome warrior on the battlefields, defends his championship as king of the bloody hill from all contenders. But today there is a new combatant in the fight, one who could prove to usurp Button's title and honor from him.

Not if Button's axe has anything to say about that!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-01 23:30:07 UTC

Chapter 1: Masher The Basher Of Bashing The Mash

“Are no challengers worthy of mine might? Is there not one, one single contender who has the bravery to test mine strength in the field of battle? Are thine lot just a bunch of cowards?” Button Mash raised his axe to the heavens, which were darkened by the black clouds of battle. “Come at me if thee—thine—whatever, dares!”

Approaching from the bottom of the bloody hill were two challengers ready to meet Button’s demands for combat. Button let out a echoing laugh, standing tall above all else.

“I see that mine enemies approach. Snips the Slayer and Snails the… er… Snipper!”

The two unicorn stallions were clad in dent metal armor and leather that had gone past the state of wear and tear and into badly degraded from one too many battles. Snips held aloft in his magic two pairs of one-edged swords, performing a snipping motion with them as he snarled at Button. Snails just smiled and waved, swinging his club around in greetings.

“Your reign of terror ends here, Button the Masher!” Snips yelled from the bottom of the hill, his voice carrying with it great courage and vigor.

“Hey Button, do we get a bathroom break?” Snails asked, his expression as aloof as ever, the inner workings of his devious mind an enigma as always.

“There shall be no end to mine reign or bathroom breaks for either of thee!” Button said at the top of his lungs, disappointed cries from the pair following soon after. “Now meet me in battle so that I may take mine honor and glory with thine blood!”

Snips lowered his swords, eyes shifting furtively between Snails and Button. “Whoa, wait, blood? But I don’t have any bandages on me. And my mom said I’d get grounded if I track something disgusting and hard to wash off in the house again.”

“Hey Button,” Snails called, still swinging his club, “when is our bathroom break?”

“The only breaks thou wilt be hearing is thine own spines breaking!” Button leaped from his position at the top of the hill, soaring through the air like an eagle—wait, no, a falcon! Wait, wait, no, he was totally a phoenix. Waaaaait, better yet, he was a dragon! A super cool and extremely deadly dragon, ready to breathe down a storm of fire, fangs, and claws upon his opponents.

Snips drew up his dual-blades for a defense, but Button’s axeblade easily knocked them aside. The terror that was Infinity Axe Double Barrage of Doom was not to be trifled with, as Snips well learned. In only one swing he had been defeated surely, his head rolling to the side, down and down the hill he went, his cries further feeding Button’s bloodlust.

Snails just stared at Button, blinking lazily as a butterfly floated by, capturing his attention completely. A tricky wizard, that Snails was, there was no telling what he was capable of! Button stood his ground and raised his axe wearily, waiting for his moment to strike.

However, his moment was cut short when something knocked into the back of his noggin when he wasn’t looking.

“Ow!” Button screamed, rubbing the back of his head as tears sprung up in his eyes. Turning to his assailant, it was none other than Snips the Slayer, his headless body wielding a fearsome rock to smash into Button’s head once more.

“Hey, no fair, I already slayed yo—I mean, thee!”

“I’m an undead necromancer barbarian!” Snips called down from his head’s position in a ditch at the bottom of a hill.

Button frowned, stomping his hoof into the ground. “No fair, no fair! You can’t do that! That’s against the rules!”

“Says who?” Snips dared to ask.

“Me, Button the Masher!” Button raised his sword up high. “The mightiest—ow! Stop hitting me! If it was against the rules the first time, it’s super against the rules the second time!”

Button feebly attempted to defend himself against the barrage of attacks from his opponent and his weapon of almost undefeatable strength, a rock.

“What the heck are you two doing?” a voice spoke from the side of the two duelists.

It was none other than the most devious and dastardly duo in all of the world. Diamond Witch and her sinister assistant, Sorceress Silver! A more evil pairing Button the Masher couldn’t think of.

Diamond Witch was staring at the two of them with a crease in her brow, that ever insufferable sneer permanently stuck to her lip. Sorceress Silver followed suit, but made amends to wave at Snails the Snipper when he waved at her.

“We are dueling in a contest of strength and fortitude, which I might add he is cheating at! I mean… thee is cheating at!” All three of them (save for Snails, who was back to watching that butterfly again) were looking at Button. Button in turn huffed and said, “You know what I mean!”

“Oh, so it’s just colts being morons. Silly me for guessing otherwise.” Diamond Witch and Sorceress Silver shared a laugh, Button’s cheeks growing hot with anger. And probably embarrassment. But mostly anger!

“Thee dare mock mine noble pursuit for honor and glory? Do thee not know who I am?” Button pointed his axe at the duo. “I am Button the Masher, defeater of a thousand ghouls, savior of all of ponykind, knight of the Sun Prancers, slayer of evil everywhere! Mine name carries with it a reputation unmatched and a history that cannot be beaten by any amount of blood!”

Diamond Witch snorted. “Actually, it sounds like you guys are just being a stupid colts playing some ridiculous game of that nerdy board game. What was it called again, Silver?”

“Something super geeky, like Dorks and Dungeons,” Sorceress Silver said with a laugh.

Diamond Witch joined in. “Oh, right, Dorks and Dungeons! Because that’s all these dolts are!”

“How dare thee disgrace the name of the greatest game of all kind,” Button said, gritting his teeth as his bloodlust grew more powerful. “Also, it’s a tabletop game, get your facts straight!”

“Whatever, losers.” Diamond Witch and Sorceress Silver turned away from the warriors, still laughing all the while. “We’ll just leave the blank flank and his two loser friends alone then.”

Blank flank? BLANK FLANK? Did those foul enchanters truly make such an insult upon Button’s name? His bloodlust was in full swing, his blood practically boiling. Why, there was no telling what he’d do now. Trained veterans of combat who had fought in decades of war would turn around and run away screaming when they met Button the Masher in such a state. None was a more fearsome sight than a stallion whose honor has been shamed by one as sinister as that witch.

With a battle cry that would make even demons shiver in fright, Button the Masher charged at the two, his axe-blade cleaving through the air to meet their necks.

“Button Mash is in trouble. Again.”

“Okay, what did he do this time?”

Cheerilee sighed, tapping a hoof against her desk. “Button Mash assaulted one of his classmates with a pointy stick. Again.”

Button’s Mom slowly turned her head to her son, seated by her side, who was hiding from her glare by staring disapproving at the floor with his hooves crossed over his chest.

“Again?” she asked.

Cheerilee nodded. “Indeed. This time with Diamond Tiara.”

Button muttered underneath his breath, “Witch.”

“I hope that she’s okay and… not willing to press charges?”

“She only got a few scrapes before I was there to break them up. Again.” Cheerilee sighed again. All she’s been doing for the past hour was sighing. Especially when she glanced at Button Mash. “Although at this point I’m starting to sense a problem develop.”

“Me as well.” Button’s Mom glared at Button, the intensity of her eyes enough to melt through steel. “Button, how could you even think of hurting one of your classmates? These scruffles are getting out of hand!”

“But mom, she started it!” Button replied, holding his hooves up to defend himself from her verbal assault. “Plus, we were playing King of the Hill! I couldn’t back down and ruin my reputation!”

“I don’t care about your reputation or whatever games you’re playing, Button, violence is out of the question!”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Cheerilee said. She pointed to the door. “While your mother and I discuss the nature of your punishment both in school and in the household, Diamond Tiara is outside. She’ll be waiting for an apology.”

“But Miss Cheeeeerileeeee!”

“Do it, Button,” Button’s Mom practically growled. “Or else you’ll be getting an entire four weeks without video games instead of the three I’m planning to dish out for you pulling this stunt.”

“But moooooooooooooooooooom!”

“Button Mash!”

Button grumbled under his breath, but nonetheless got up out of his seat and made for the door, closing it behind himself.

“Button Mash is in trouble. Again. For the second time in less than five seconds.”

Button jumped out of his chair, sporting a black eye on his bruised face. “Okay, this time she totally started it!”

Button’s Mom was close to pulling out her mane, her molars nearly cracking at the force of gritting her teeth together. “Button Mash, you went to apologize to Diamond Tiara but instead you punched her in the face?!”

“She called video games stupid and ponies who liked them dorks!”

“That’s no need to hit ponies!” Cheerilee said.

Button shrugged. “Actually, that’s a perfectly good reason in my books.”

Both mares groaned.

Rubbing at her temples, Button’s Mom said, “That’s it. No video games for an entire month.”

“But moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo—” Button sucked in a huge breath of air, “—oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom.”

“Two months now.”

Button Mash opened his mouth, then thought better of it for once and instead sulked further into his seat.

“Shit.”

“Three months now!”

“Fu—” Button’s eyes went wide and he gulped back a breath of air, “—uuuuuuuuuuuuudge puppies!”

Button’s Mom glared at him for several silent seconds, then nodded. “Four months.”

“Ffffffffffffff!” Button Mash fell to the floor, sobbing as his mom smiled.

As the saying goes, the King is dead, long live the King!