I Can Change

by Shadowed Rainbow

Rating: everyone
Tags: Sunset Shimmer, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Sad, Main 6, Dark, Equestria Girls
Length: 3783

Sunset Shimmer reflects on her previous actions, and how to overcome the past that haunts her. Sunset's POV.

I did some things I regret in my life, both as a pony and as a human. They're mistakes that will probably leave traces in some form for the rest of my life.

But that doesn't mean I won't try to change. Even if the past does follow me wherever I go...

(First person, Sunset's POV, set after the events of Rainbow Rocks)

EDIT: While this was initially started as just a quick thing I wrote for the Equestria Daily Friend Off that I threw together at the last minute, I have now decided to improve on and expand it.

Published 2014-11-02 11:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-02 11:10:03 UTC

Regret

"Alright! Great work, everybody!"

The moment Rainbow Dash gave the call for our band practice that day to be over, the music resonating from our instruments gradually stopped, being replaced by the sound of chairs moving around and instruments starting to be put away.

I could see the last rays of the setting sun on the horizon just northwest of the stage, the fading light splashing the sky with streaks of gold and pink. At least it provided some illumination aside from the stage lights overhead.

"How long were we playing?" I wondered, so quietly that I don't think anyone else heard me. When we had started our session, the sky had been bright blue with the afternoon sun, unmoved by any earthly force like in Equestria, shining above us. The light fading was somewhat jarring to me, especially seeing as for the most part I had been glancing down at my guitar the entire time, unaware of the time passing.

I removed the red guitar strap from around my shoulders, relieved that the weight was finally lifted from them. If only every weight I felt could be lifted from my shoulders so easily...

"Maybe I need a lighter guitar," I muttered, opening my guitar case and placing the bright red instrument with gold-colored bordering inside, latching the case shut.

"Or maybe Rainbow Dash needs to not give us a four-hour rehearsal for playin' two songs," Applejack pointed out behind me. She gave her friend a meaningful glare.

"Aw, come on," Rainbow said with a dismissive wave of her hand. She looked back at us. "It wasn't that long, was it?"

Silent for a moment, the rest of us all nodded and mumbled that yes, it had indeed been as long as Applejack said. Sometimes she really needed to learn to think of someone other than herself.

"I didn't think it seemed that long," I said kindly, trying to be nice. In truth, to me, the time that we had been playing hadn't seemed that long at all.

Then again, I realized, it's probably because my heart wasn't in it.

Reflecting on it, I realized that my thoughts were indeed true. While I strummed my guitar when Rainbow gave the command throughout rehearsal, trying to be engaged, my fingers moved on autopilot. Like I had retreated in my own mind for a while and automatic reflexes took over the playing for me halfway through.

Rainbow, however, seemed unfazed, not offended in the slightest. "Well, it'll all be worth it, you'll see! We're gonna totally rock any competition we're in!"

"I'm actually not sure how we're gonna top the Battle of the Bands!" Pinkie exclaimed, practically bouncing up and down as she played a rapid little drum solo. "I mean, with the awesome lasers and us using our rainbow power against the Dazzlings! Really, who can top that?!"

I managed a smile at remembering that circumstance. It hadn't just been a school competition for us. It had been a fight against the three Sirens who intended to put the whole school under their spell, and nearly succeeded in doing so. That is, until we were able to use a counterspell and the magic of friendship to beat them with our own power.

Friendship... the smile grew as I glanced at the others. My friends in this world. I hadn't realized until recently just how good it felt to have friends, and what that really meant. I guess having a potential world-controlling threat on your hands can help really show that to a person—or pony, for that matter.

For the time being, I actually felt happy. After everything I had tried to run away from, to change about myself, I felt as if I had been robbed of true happiness for quite a while before now.

"I have to say, that was a feat that could be very difficult to top," Rarity agreed, dusting off her instrument before putting it away as well. "It was like we had a whole laser show on our side! You know, I bet it looked fantastic to the other students." She picked up her new designer coat from the back of her chair and started to put it on.

"Haha, yeah," Rainbow said eagerly as I watched her carry her guitar like it was the most powerful thing in the world. "That's the second time we were able to save Canterlot High from being taken over by some freaky mind-control people!"

The smile that had been on my face vanished, and I looked away. I had been the "freaky mind-control person" the first time, back at the Fall Formal earlier in the year. Disillusioned by power, I had become something that wasn't me, a monster, a demon... It had been me, once, but it was a thing I regretted and didn't really like thinking about.

"Let me tell you, with our unstobbable forces, there's not gonna be any power-hungry magic-users trying to take over our world anymore!"

"Rainbow..."

I noticed that everyone had fallen silent. They looked over at me.

"Um, Sunset?" Fluttershy said quietly, disturbing the silence. "Are you okay?"

"... Fine," I muttered, my past coming back to haunt me again in the back of my mind. I looked away. I had tried to put the events of the Fall Formal behind me, to place them squarely in the past where I wouldn't have to think about them anymore. Seems like the universe kept having a way of bringing it back.

Carefully adjusting my grip on my guitar case to carry it more comfortably, I walked off to the right side of the stage, stepping down and hurrying out of the area.

As I was leaving, I heard Rainbow Dash call out: "Was it something I said?"

Since the school was practically deserted now—no Fall Formal or Battle of the Bands to keep the students around after hours—I decided to go near the front of the high school in order to be alone and think. More specifically, going next to the white marble statue out front, where the form of a horse towered over me.

I gently placed my hand one one of the sides, half-expecting, even hoping, that my hand would pass through it with a shimmering white glow, but I made contact with the same stone surface that anyone else would expect. Twilight must not have had the portal open then.

I had almost wanted to step through into Equestria again.

Am I feeling homesick?

I dismissed the thought soon after I had come up with it. Homesick would be the other way around, if I were in Equestria and was missing here. This had been my home for the past few years, and I had easily passed off as human once I got past the being-bipedal-and-having-hands thing. And now I had friends here, actual friends. If anything, this world was now more of a home than Equestria had ever been.

I looked up, seeing the moon beginning to rise in the sky, a crescent this time. Princess Luna was probably raising the moon in Equestria right now.

With my thoughts beginning to drift again, they started to turn to other things, other memories. Memories that I didn't really want to relive.

Here, right near this statue, was where I had gained possession of the Element of Magic, intending to gain more power than I could ever imagine.

I clenched my fists at the thought, and the control I had of the students then, of the monstrous demon that I had become. The transformation had been painful for a few moments, the Element resonating with a power as if it could sense that the one wearing it was not the rightful owner. Yet I still wanted control. I wanted what Celestia couldn't give me, what I felt she refused to give me...

The day that I ran from Equestria was another painful memory I didn't want to bring up. But sometimes the mind likes to play cruel games...

I remembered it vividly. Back when I was in my world, as a unicorn, mentor against student as we stood in Celestia's throne room of Canterlot Castle. The guards had just left s, having brought me here after I had broken into more secure areas of the Canterlot Archives, more specifically the Starswirl the Bearded wing. All I had wanted was to learn things, to understand about all the different types of magic, to gan as much power and ability as I could. Why was that so wrong? Why was everything kept hidden?

"Why won't you teach me more advanced magic?" I remembered shouting to her. "Why won't you let me into the archives?!"

"You're not ready to learn about that kind of magic yet," Celestia said.

The motherly tone she was using disgusted me. "Is it that you don't think I'm good enough?!"

"It's not that, Sunset," Celestia said. I could hear regret in her voice, but at the time I thought it was false. "You need to go into studying these stronger types of magic with the right mindset." She took several steps closer to me, slow but graceful and purposeful, as was common for her. "Taking it on alone, without guidance and an ability to control it... there are some forms of magic that you can't know about.—"

My eyes widened. If she had said that I would learn about it eventually, that I wasn't quite ready yet, maybe I would have been a little willing to believe her. But to say that couldn't know about some forms of magic... so what if they were dangerous? I was smart. If a spell could have consequences that I didn't like, I wouldn't use it.

I stepped back, my horn glowing with an aqua hue. "You're keeping things from me? You don't want me to have knowledge and power? You don't want me to be strong?"

"Sunset, please..."

But I was stubborn back then, stubborn and power-hungry. I wanted to prove I was good enough, to prove that I could have the ability to rival and even defeat any being in Equestria. Even Celestia. I wanted to know everything I could, and to have me denied of that knowledge...

"You're trying to limit me!" I shouted at her. "You can't try to control what I do and don't learn! You can't try to control me!"

Blinded by anger, I fired a beam of magic at her. I expected her to dodge it, not willing to fire on her student, so I took the opportunity to gallop away. Using a combination of galloping and teleportation, I frantically searched through the castle.

I couldn't stay with Celestia any longer. I had to find my own way. Maybe if I fled somewhere, had her forget about me, I would eventually find a way to get the power and knowledge I sought. And Celestia would never see it coming.

I finally arrived in a small bedroom, that which I called my own when I was staying with Celestia. I dug through my drawers, searching for what I was going to take with me. I only settled on a small saddlebag that held a book within it, a book that Celestia had given me to be able to contact her on those times when I was away. Just in case.

It was the only memento of Celestia's that I was going to permit myself to have.

With another frantic charge through the halls and flashes of teleportation to further fuel my speed, I galloped down corridors before I finally found a room near the lower ends of the castle. There were no windows here, only light blue walls and a few bookcases that caused the rom to look like a minature library.

But this wasn't the library, nor was it the Canterlot Archives. The only other thing of note inside was a mirror, a mirror that normally had its surface dull and faded with age.

Now, however, it seemed to look just a little more vibrant.

Several weeks earlier, Celestia had shown me this mirror, explaining that it was a gateway to another world, only open once every thirty moons. It was around that time that I had begun to suspect her of withholding information from me, to try to prevent my talents from growing as they should. Why was it such a bad thing that I wanted to learn more?

Since then, I had been planning on stepping through it as soon as it opened, knowing Celestia wouldn't follow. That time was now. I had my chance.

Determined not to look back, not wanting to see my mentor's stunned face but internally swearing my revenge, I dove through the mirror and into the world I eventually would come to call home, even as I heard her shout for me to come back.

If there was one thing I knew, it was that there were some places that even Celestia wouldn't dare to go to. For even she had one thing that just about everyone has: a fear of the unknown.

I had never looked back since then, reasonably content to remain in this world. Started a new life here, hoping that someday I would be able to get what I wanted. What I felt I needed.

And even when I learned that was wrong, when I realized how terrible I had been, my reputation stayed. Sometimes I heard the students whispering things about me, sometimes they openly jeered. It further pained my heart when I realized that I had caused a similar rift between my new friends, back during freshman year when the desire for power that I couldn't obtain from Celestia was fresh in my mind.

I had wanted to have everyone else feel as terrible as I did when I felt betrayed by Celestia. And now, I hate my past self for it.

Sometimes, when I try to go to sleep, I think I hear the whisper of my darker self in my mind, my demon self. Taunting me for what I was, that I might always be that way deep down. Imagination or not, I have to prove that it's wrong. I have to.

I wrapped my arms around myself and closed my eyes. No matter if my eyes were open or closed, the visions and memories still came. Of who I had been, the person who had no true regard for others and only cared for herself.

"S-Sunset?"

I had been so lost in my thoughts that the break in the silence caught me off guard. I turned quickly around at the voice, which was soft. The voice had been Fluttershy's, but all five of my friends stood alongside her, all of them looking at me with concern and regret.

Applejack nudged Rainbow forward slightly.

"Hey!"

"Say it, Rainbow." Applejack made it clear by her tone as she crossed her arms that she meant it.

Rainbow looked back and forth from the others to me before sighing. Her eyes met mine.

"I'm sorry." Any trace of cockiness in her voice was absent. "I didn't mean to have you think about all that crazy past stuff. I was being a little insensitive."

"A little?" Rarity said, giving Rainbow a skeptical look.

"Okay, more than a little."

I sighed, grateful for her apology but still guilt-ridden for my actions in the past. "... But you're right. I was power-hungry, and I was malicious and rude and a generally awful human being." I paused, wringing my hands together. "And pony."

"But you've gotten better!" Pinkie exclaimed, trying to cheer me up by coming over and put a hand on my shoulder. "You're not that kind of meany-pants person you were anymore!"

"Look, Sunset," Rainbow assured me, putting her hands at level with her head in an "it's all cool" gesture, "we know you've done some bad things, and some of them were kinda freaky. But I gotta admit, you showed during the Battle of the Bands that you can be one of the most loyal people around."

I blinked, looking at her in surprise. To hear anyone call me loyal, to give me any sort of compliment, was a surprise that was very much welcomed. Coming from Rainbow Dash, assuming she was being sincere, it only seemed to have more of an impact. "I... I am?"

"Yeah," Fluttershy said with a smile on her face that radiated the kindness she was known for expressing. "You've been a really good friend to us since we started out actually being friends."

"And you haven' done anythin' to spite us since then," Applejack added. "Yeh've tried to do your part in helpin' us when ya can."

"We all make mistakes, dear," Rarity said. "And you've learned to show us you can look past them, and you've learned a lot from them."

I half-smiled, my past becoming a bit farther removed from my mind. Even if part of me, my inner, doubting part, tried to convince me that she was just trying to help me feel better, that they didn't mean it...

No, they do mean it, I told myself. They're my friends.

Pinkie's face lit up with a grin, her smiling practically contagious as she saw I was cheering up a little. "You could've ended up staying a power-crazy mean person," she said, "but you changed into a super-awesome, friendly, helpful, help-us-save-the-day person!" She practically knocked me over as she leapt at me to wrap her arms tightly around me in a hug. She released me for a moment to pull everyone else into the hug as well, so fast it caught all of us off guard. "Group hug!" she exclaimed.

I tensed up for a moment, feeling like it was odd being so close to so many people at the same time. But I told myself these were people who cared about me, who helped me to change, wanted me to be their friend. After a moment, I returned the hug.

After we broke off, laughing lightly and grinning at one another, I noticed a certain gleam in Rainbow's eyes, the excited look when she got an idea. She went over to her duffel bag and, after digging through it, pulled out a microphone. She came back over to our group and handed it to me. "You wanna sing?"

Glad for her offer, and feeling further comforted by this inclusion, I carefully grasped the microphone in my hands. Remembering that moment when we had fought the Sirens, when I had helped my new friends to use the magic of friendship to face the Sirens who threatened us. But this wasn't a memory like the others, that had sent me into feelings of guilt. This was a memory that I savored, one, one that shown me I could change.

That I had changed.

With my bad memories pushed farther and farther from my mind, I led my friends in singing our song.

"You're never gonna bring me down,
You're never gonna break this part of me.
My friends are here to bring me 'round,
Not singing just for popularity...."

Returning home that night, my house about a mile from the school, I went to my room, leaning my guitar case against the wall where I propped it up. I checked the clock. It was only 9:30, but I felt as if it was 11. I rubbed my eyes to try to wake myself up—after all, I still had homework to do.

Sitting down against my bed and opening up my laptop to type my English essay due the next day, I glanced overhead at a picture on the wall. It was one I had hung up just the other day, a small painting of me and all my friends playing our instruments and sporting our pony ears, tails, and, in Rainbow and Fluttershy's case, wings. Pinkie Pie had drawn it for me.

I wiped a single tear from my eyes, touched that Pinkie had done such a thing for me, helping me to really feel like I belonged with them. That I was a part of their group, that I had changed.

As time wore on, my eyes started to drift closed.

You think you've changed? You'll never change.

I froze, my head shooting up from having nearly fallen on my laptop. I knew that voice, my own voice, but laced with the sinister tone I had when I was in my demon form from before.

I listened for it again, reluctantly, but I didn't hear it anymore. I had hoped that I wouldn't hear it again, not tonight, not after I had been with my friends to comfort me...

"I have changed," I said aloud, hoping that it would dispell any inclination to listen to the voice. "That voice isn't real. That's behind me. I'm a changed person."

When I finally finished my essay, along with all my other homework, it really was 11pm and I was feeling exhausted. Shutting down my laptop and placing it in the charger nearby, I brushed my teeth, changed into pajamas, and got into bed, wrapping the covers around myself and starting to drift off to sleep.

And then I heard it again.

You'll never change.

I shut my eyes tighter, willing the thought away. I tried to tell myself it was just a thought, not a physical voice, not a remnant of my darker persona that remained... "I've changed," I told it. "I'm not like that anymore."

Maybe not in the sense that you're willing to cause discord between others, but you still want power, the voice said. You can't deny that power isn't something you want, right?

"I..."

See? You'll always want power. You'll just use people again now that you know there are ways for magic to be brought back. And you can go back to Equestria much more often now. You could take that power back.

"You're wrong."

Am I really, Sunset? Am I?

I sat up abruptly. "I'VE CHANGED!"

My shout seemed to echo for a moment in my room, but there was no internal reply, no comeback.

Taking a shaky breath, I put my head down and tried to go to sleep again. The voice was wrong, it had to be wrong... right?

"I've changed..."

The whisper was my own now. I closed my eyes and was finally able to start to drift off into sleep. The last thing I was consciously aware of in the waking world was of another tear falling down my face, just as when I had looked at the painting Pinkie had drawn—but for an entirely different reason.