Antagonists Anonymous

by Monochromation

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 1721

A group of concerned antagonists holds weekly meetings in order to solve some of evil-kind's most pressing problems.

Being an antagonist in Equestria is a hard, thankless, and often dangerous job, one with a list of occupational hazards too long to read in any reasonable amount of time. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding work, and many antagonists feel burnt-out, unappreciated, and flat-out frightened after an average day of work. But, unlike in most jobs, they have nowhere to turn to for help and support.

Until now.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-02 10:40:03 UTC

Week One: On the Subject of the Elements of Harmony

Mrs. Cake trotted down the halls of the Ponyville community center, a pair of bright pink cardboard boxes balancing atop her head. As she shuffled past the numerous doors and branching halls of the building she hummed a cheerful tune to herself, turning into a slim, dark corridor.

The plump mare turned to one of the unlit corridor's few doors, smiling as she knocked.

The door creaked open, revealing a small board room, shrouded in darkness.

"Hellooo?" Mrs. Cake chimed. "This is room 238, right?"

"Yes," a soft, hissing voice replied. A pair of glowing green eyes and gleaming fangs drifted into the doorframe. "What is it?"

Mrs. Cake grinned. "I've got a delivery of two dozen assorted cupcakes for an 'Alias Brown'."

The eyes widened. "Oh, oh, come in, come in!" the voice bubbled, a long, hole-riddled limb extending from the shadows and pulling the stout baker into the room. A spark flew from the darkness, lighting a small cluster of candles resting on a beaten ottoman near the center of the room. The candles' flow soon illuminated the entirety of the room, revealing a small group of ponies sitting around a long table, staring intently at the boxes resting on top of Mrs. Cake's head.

Mrs. Cake looking up at the figure who had ushered into the room, a tall, dark, pony-like creature, who's legs and mane were filled with holes. A jagged, toothy smile hung from the creatures face.

"I'm so sorry about the lighting arrangements in the hall," the thing said, taking the boxes and laying them down upon the table. "The electrician is scheduled to come by later this week. I hope it didn't cause you any trouble."

"Oh, none at all," Mrs. Cake replied. "I think the candles make the place feel cozy."

The thing shrugged, pulling a small pouch from it's mane. "So," it said, "that'll be, what, five bits for the cupcakes?"

Mrs. Cake nodded. "You betcha!"

The thing opened the pouch, removing fifteen golden coins from it and handing it to the mare. "That ought to cover it, yes?"

"Mmhm," Mrs. Cake smiled, stuffing the coins into her saddlebag and turning to the door. "That'll be all dearie. You have a good day now!"

The thing chuckled. "Will do. Bye."

The ponies in the room watched as Mrs. Cake shut the door behind her, their gaze quickly resting on the creature standing at the head of the table.

"So," the thing said, placing it's money pouch back into one it's mane's many holes, "I am Chrysalis—"

"Hello Chrysalis," the ponies around the table chorused.

"Hello everypony," Chrysalis replied. "Anyways, as I was saying, I am Chrysalis, and I'd like to welcome you all to Antagonists Anonymous." She sat down, folding her hooves over each other. "I founded this group with the intention of helping provide the support that we antagonists truly need to keep going in life." Chrysalis paused, looking over the attendees. "Well," she continued, "since it's our first meeting, I think we should start off by introducing ourselves to everyone in the room, since not everypony may be familiar with each other. I'll start."

Chrysalis cleared her throat. "As I said before, my name is Chrysalis—"

"Hello Chrysalis."

"Yes, hello. Anyways," Chrysalis continued, "I am the queen of an immense and powerful hive of changelings. It's a very supportive environment to live in, and I love and cherish every one of my children very much. Some of my notable crimes and accomplishments include the attack on the royal wedding in Canterlot about a year ago, and the near complete finacial conquest of Mareiposa and Ponoma counties in Coltifornia. My hive also operates a succesful perfume smuggling ring in San Prancisco. Through these meetings, I hope to help other antagonists achieve their goals and dreams, however drastic they may be."

The ponies around the table clapped softly, looking to the pony at Chrysalis' left, a large, burly stallion with a dull brown coat and orange mane.

"I," the stallion said, a thick Stalliongrad accent hanging from his words, "am Depleted Uranium. My friends call me Yury." He scowled. "All of you may call me Depleted Uranium."

The room was silent. Chrysalis coughed, glancing nervously at the huge stallion. "Is... Is that all?"

"Да."

"Okay then," the changeling muttered. "Next?"

"I am Umbra Darkshade," the next antagonist, a small, light purple unicorn mare, said, puffing out her chest. "I am from here, in Ponyville, and I'm an undergraduate in criminology at the local community college."

The ponies surrounding the table gasped.

"I firmly believe," Umbra continued, "that in order to defeat you enemy, you must first understand their practices and patterns of thought entirely."

"Ooooh," the ponies sighed in relief.

Chrysalis shrugged. "Makes sense. Please, continue."

"My goal is to become the local police chief so that I can commit crimes without ever being suspected at all."

A chorus of 'Ooooo's and 'Ahhhhh's echoed around the room. A hoof went up from across the table.

"Yes?" Chrysalis asked.

"I just wanted to ask miss Umbra Darkshade if that was her real name."

Umbra growled. "It is so my real name. Why?"

The white pegasus stallion who had asked chuckled. "I'm sorry," he said, "it just doesn't really seem to fit you."

"Oh yeah?" Umbra huffed. "We'll what's your name, then?"

The stallion blew an errant tuft of light grey hair from his silvery eyes. "Monochrome."

"Oh," Umbra said, deflating. "That... that is a rather fitting name."

Chrysalis sighed, rubbing her eyes. "Okay," she said, standing up. "This is taking longer than I expected. I'm sure we'll all get to know each other eventually, let's just move on to discussing today's topic," the changeling paused, "the Elements... of Harmony!"

The room erupted into furtive murmurs, ponies glancing nervously at Chrysalis as she stood, waiting for them to quiet.

"Now," she continued, "I know this is a sensitive topic. I'm sure many of us have lost something to them. I know I have. But today we're going to remind each other that, as long as we remember who we are, and what we stand for, they don't have to be so scary. First off, I'm going to start by explaining why they're such a nuisance."

Chrysalis ruffled around her mane, eventually pulling out a small, crumpled ball of paper, which she hastily unrolled, revealing a scribbled crayon drawing of six colourful crystals. "These," she said, "are the Elements of Harmony. They are magical super-generator-thingies that embody the very being of happiness, peace, and friendship, essentially making them the exact opposite of what we, as antagonists, strive for. These," she said, flipping the paper over and showing the ponies assembled in the room a picture of six multicolored stick figures, "are the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. They are the e,bodiments of the embodiments of happiness, peace, and friendship, and have a bunch of cutesy names like 'the Element of Laughter,' and 'the Element of Loyalty,' and the super useless 'Element of Honesty'. They're basically the anti-antagonist squad, and they go around solving all of Equestria's problems all of the time, and we can't technically stop them 'cause one of them is a god, and they're endorsed by the other two gods who just happen to control the sun and the moon."

Chrysalis stuffed the paper back into her mane. "They are a problem because the horseapples they can pull are super random. I mean, just look at what they've done to some of the best of us! They turned Discord into a statue twice, then reformed him. They sent Nightmare Moon to the moon, then reformed her. They somehow foiled my foolproof plan of attack at Canterlot by pulling a bunch of love is more powerful than any darkness crap." Chrysalis snorted. "Thousands of my changelings are still suffering long-term mental disabilities from cuncussions they received when Shining Armor threw us all out of Canterlot with his über anti-insect love-shield-bubble, and I know that thing squashed at least two hundred of my children that just happened to be standing in front of walls at the time." The changeling then pulled a black, curved horn from her mane. "This is all that's left of Sombra after they straight up murdered him. I found it out on the tundra around the Crystal Empire when I was leading the search party looking for the rest of my MIA changelings."

Chrysalis sat back down. "And it doesn't stop with their 'heroic' victories. They bagged and dragged Sleight of Hoof after her big bank heist two months ago. I haven't seen her since." She pointed at a stallion sitting at the far end of the table who wore an eyepatch over his left eye. "Hay, One-Eye over there used to be named Two-Eye before they cornered him in an alley three years back. I mean, I think we can all agree it's a big improvement, but my point still stands. However," Chrysalis continued, smiling, "if you're careful, and you don't take too may risks, you can get past them, and even hurt them."

"Last week," Chrysalis said, flourishing her hoof, "one of my infiltrators replaced the Element of Generosity's younger sister. We're currently holding the brat hostage, and we intend to ransom her off for quite a lot of bits. In the mean-time, however, my agent is being the angstiest teenager she can manage, and it is driving the mare up the wall." The room erupted in laughter. Chrysalis grinned, motioning for the room to quiet down. "What I'm saying," she said, looking over the attentive group of antagonists, "is that you don't have to be afraid of these monsters. They have weaknesses, and they aren't omniscient. So go ahead, be evil, antagonize them, and remember that they aren't perfect. And, if you're really lucky, you might just get your own episode."

The ponies cheered, clapping and bouncing in their seats.

"Okay," Chrysalis said once the cheering had quieted down, "that's all for this meeting. Feel free to help yourselves to the cupcakes, stick around, mingle, and we'll pick this up next week." She turned to the ottoman next to her, staring at the softly flickering candles. "I think we're all going to get along real well."