Chapter 3.14: In Which Pinkie Violates Ancient and Gratuitously Threatening Commandments
Celestia, Ruler of the Sun, Eternal Diarch and Guardian of all Equestria, yawned into her bathroom mirror. It was still dark outside and she cursed the day that one of her little ponies had invented the alarm clock; before, nopony had noticed if she'd slept in for another five, ten, maybe fifteen minutes: the day started when she started it. Nowadays Dawn Shine would break down her bedroom door if she was as much as a minute late, and she'd long ago given up trying to kill him with bolts of solar fire in the mornings; he always got out of the way and the cleaners had been complaining about the scorch marks it left on the walls when she missed.
Still, at least it wasn't raining; she hated having to maintain a magical umbrella spell everywhere she went and the alternative was... less than amusing.
The memories made her cringe. So many bad mane days.
Celestia glared at her eyelids, insofar as that was possible; they were sagging shut and raising the sun before breakfast always gave her headaches. She wondered briefly about the logistics of turning tap water into fresh coffee (she'd had plenty of practise making wine that way in the olden days) but eventually decided that there lay a slippery slope that ended in a mess of cotton candy clouds, chocolate rain and, if she had her way, cake trees. Contenting herself with a glass of water and a dab of make-up, Celestia's horn flared. She winced as the dawn's first sunlight got into her still tired eyes.
Luna never has this problem. She bemoaned. I'd take soft moonlight over adoring servants any day.
There was no use in complaining. Of the many lessons she'd learned from all her years in power that was possibly the most important. It was followed closely by, as her mother had put it, "Anything can happen at any time for no reason; just roll with it." and "It'll get better if you don't pick at it." Celestia rubbed at her eyes with a hoof and donned her regalia. Breakfast, yes. Some coffee should wake her up, and maybe she could even find something to clear her growing headache.
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Dawn Shine dropped the stack of papers onto the breakfast table with a slightly louder-than-necessary thump and Celestia looked up in confusion, a fork full of strawberry salad half-way to her lips.
Dawn coughed with worrying precision. "I believe there is the small matter of the Griffon Ambassador's latest requests to tend to today your majesty, along with-"
"No."
"Pardon me, your majesty?"
Celestia glared at the paper. "No. Not before breakfast. You know this, Dawn Shine, it's in the contract."
"Excuse me, your majesty, but I believe that you are in fact having breakfast now."
Eyes narrowing with suspicion, Celestia hazarded a nod.
"Then," Dawn Shine continued, smugly, "it can hardly be said to be before breakfast, your majesty."
"You know, Dawn, I've got a whole dungeon for ponies like you."
The stallion jumped suddenly, an alarmed expression passing across his suddenly much less smug features. "Your majesty?"
"Nevermind, nevermind. Just... I need a break." Celestia set down her spoon, decisively. "I'm going out today, ok? Give the paperwork to Blueblood. He and the Griffin ambassador deserve each other." Terrifying as the threat of torture had been, the idea of Prince Blueblood getting his hooves on official documents was worse. Dawn Shine began to stammer out objections but was silenced with the wave of a royal hoof. "No buts, Dawn; if there's anything that you feel that the Prince cannot handle, then you can always wake Princess Luna." Dawn looked like he'd been taken off the hook. Into the cooking pot. "Or maybe you could go to the Noble's Court; I'm sure that they'd listen to you." The stallion twinged at the flood of memories; he'd once been tasked with presenting a pesky bill on zoning permits before the aforementioned Court; the discussion had lasted for about half a minute before the paper-throwing started and perhaps a further minute before some noblepony Dawn had vaguely recognised at the time had begun rambling on at the top of his voice about asparagus and antifreeze. He'd sworn never to go back: beside the Noble's Court, waking the Princess of the Night would be like petting a kitten. Even if it was one that yelled and struck him with lumps of moon-rock.
Celestia smiled sweetly at the sweating clerk and finished off her salad while he stood rigid, locked in the horrible depths of his own imagination, or memory, or possibly both. She trotted happily towards the exit and weaved her way slowly through the palace, making for the roof where her chariot was stationed. A day off. She hadn't had a day off in... Ooh, what was it now? Six years? Ten? Royal visits and being trapped in Tartarus didn't count. Excitement building, she considered her options: Manehattan? Vanhoover? Trottingham, perhaps? Or... Yes, why not Ponyville? She'd never done Ponyville before, never unofficially, anyway. Always work, or schedules, or hunting ancient evils (which probably qualified as work, now she came to think about it). She would swear that Ponyville had more malignant prehistoric terrors per square mile than any other location in Equestria, granted they were mostly inside the forest, but what on Equestria had possessed those ponies to build a town beside that forest anyway? Why hadn't she stopped them? It would've saved a whole lot of work in the long run.
Lost in the winding corridors of her mind, Celestia had left the winding corridors of the palace and had stepped onto the bright and airy roof. Half a dozen guards were standing furiously to attention and slowly trying to move in front of whatever card game they had been playing before she had arrived. She smiled at them, warmly. As one pony, they began to sweat.
"Good morning, sergeant. Everything ok up here I hope?"
"Yes, your majesty! Everything safe and secure, your majesty!" The sergeant was staring impassively above Celestia's head. She resisted the urge to walk forwards to see if he fell over backwards.
"Thank you, sergeant. Would you mind lending me a couple of pegasus guards for a flight to Ponyville?"
The unicorn hesitated. "We... Weren't told that you would be venturing out today, your majesty."
"This is an informal visit. Just a little break."
The sergeant looked torn between self preservation and duty. He knew that royal visits were meant to be planned in advance; it was potentially dangerous to have a Princess leave the castle without the prior knowledge of the proper authorities. Finally, protocol won out. "Are you sure that's wise, your majesty?"
Celestia's smile didn't change. "That's a very nice deck of cards you have there, sergeant. Do tell me, what vital guarding task requires them?"
"I'll fetch your chariot right away, your majesty!"
The unicorn uncoiled like a spring under tension, firing across the rooftop and into a stone warehouse at the far edge. The remaining guards maintained their trademarked thousand-stride stare, still sweating gently. Celestia permitted herself a more genuine smile. Carrot and stick, Tia, carrot and stick.
The sergeant returned quickly, pulling the enchanted metal vehicle behind him with his magic. He tapped a couple of guards on the head upon his return and pointed to the harnesses. "Go on then boys, you heard the Princess." The sergeant saluted again, standing back to attention. "Hope you have a pleasant trip, your majesty." he croaked.
"Yes, lieutenant, I'm sure I will." Celestia climbed gracefully into the now stallioned chariot and nodded at them to take off. The guards took a full fifteen seconds to relax after she'd left.
It took the lieutenant ten more to realise what she'd said.
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Celestia had learned long ago that the gift of being pampered everywhere she went came with the downside of being pampered everywhere she went. Back in the castle, she frequently got lost or smothered in her innumerable blankets which led to more than one broken door as she folds upon folds of sheets inadvertently blocked her ears to the indignant shrieks of her alarm clock, but at least the castle staff were used to having a goddess, two now, walking amongst them every day. Some, like that head gardener, took the very sensible view that while she might know all there was to know about running a country, she didn't know anything about roses and couldn't tell her Geraniums from her Pelargoniums without a map. Celestia had been known to pop off quietly to the head gardener's shed for a cup of tea and a casual chat between equals every couple of weeks or so, but Phloem Flow was the exception rather than the rule. Knowing this, she set her chariot down some way from Ponyville itself and began the walk into town on her own.
They'd freak out when they saw her, but there wasn't much that could be done about that.
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Hedonism is a school of thought that argues that pleasure is the primary or most important intrinsic good. In very simple terms, a hedonist strives to maximize net pleasure.
Twilight's brow furrowed at the definition. She couldn't help but attribute it to Pinkie Pie, who had been around earlier wearing a pair of costume cat's ears, giggling and asking for hayburgers. Her latest thing seemed to be dressing up as various animals and Twilight had made sure to have a cleaning spell on hoof in case Pinkie came back, fur-covered costume at the ready. She'd long ago given up trying to resist her antics, what was it Celestia had said? Ah yes, "anything can happen at any time for no reason; just roll with it." Twilight smiled and shelved the dictionary in her castle's extensive library with a small shiver of contentment. The feeling was cut short, however, by the sound of a commotion from outside.
It had started as a commotion, anyway. By the time Twilight reached the window it was more of a disturbance, verging on a fracas. Puzzled, and more than a little worried, she swooped down from her balcony and landed amidst the crowd of ponies now staring fixedly into the distance.
"What's going on? Why's everypony so worried?" Nopony replied, and after a minute Twilight nudged one of the watchers. "Roseluck, what's going on?"
Roseluck turned, startled. "Oh! Princess, sorry, I didn't notice you there. Look," she gestured into the distance. "something's coming."
"Are we going to have the whole, "Zecora Talk" again? It's just a pony. What's wrong?"
"Look closer." Twilight did. It looked like a unicorn, albeit a rather large one. It was wearing some sort of jewellery and it's wings were tucked-
The word "wings", resenting Twilight's fore-brain for ignoring it, struck her medulla with a mallet. Twilight's heart skipped a beat, and she forgot to breathe. "Celestia! It's Princess Celestia!" Silence rippled out across the crowd. The crowd began to stare, open-mouthed, at the approaching figure. Then, as one, they erupted.
Ponies tripped and fell as they ran into the town. Twilight broke into a cold sweat, eyes darting left and right: there was so much to prepare! Dirty roads to brush, wilting flowers to water, the occasional wandering parasprite to exorcise with tambourines. The mess was being added too by the sudden scattering of fresh flowers and concussed ponies expelled by the stampede as it made its chaotic return to Ponyville. Twilight reached out with her magic, grasping frantically for a clipboard or a checklist or something that would make this reasonable, but there was nothing.
No plans. No lists. No schedules.
"Just rolling with it", was becoming rather hard.
Very quietly, Twilight lay down on the grass and curled up into a ball. Her gaze drifted unfocussed into the distance and she tried desperately to block out the flood of horrible futures looming menacingly in her imagination. "Sun- *whimper* Sunshine, sunshine, lady- ladybugs awake..." she mumbled, gooey sobs shaking her body. No schedule... No schedule...
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Pinkie Pie bounced past the stampede of ponies, all but oblivious to their panic. It wasn't until she tripped and fell on a canvas banner that she noticed the chaos and confusion that was resolving itself around her. Bon Bon apologised hastily before resuming dragging the banner into position. She unfurled it. "Welcome Princess Celest". Pinkie watched the townsponies' antics with puzzlement; it looked like they were setting up for a party, but that couldn't be right. And who was Princess Celest? Were there even more Princesses around all of a sudden? Pinkie Pie was not the greatest scholar of Alicorn Physiology but last she remembered there had only been four, and none of them had been called Celest. She made a mental note to ask Twilight next time she was her, and continued down the street and into Sugarcube Corner. Maybe Mrs Cake would know what was happening.
Mrs Cake knew what was happening. Nevertheless, she was far to busy to explain it; the baker was panicking just as much as everypony else. Her teeth were gnashing, her legs were shaking and her hooves were restless and sweaty. It wasn't fair of royalty to turn up unannounced like this: what would Celestia think of them if they couldn't give her a proper welcome? Mrs Cake had never seen Celestia really angry before but she had no desire to start now. And now just to add the icing of chaotic unhelpfulness to the baker's already rising cupcake of hysteria, Pinkie Pie, of all ponies, had wandered into the shop (fair enough, it was where she lived and worked but even so) and was trotting about cheerfully asking what was going on. This was anything but the time for that.
"Mrs Cake? What's-" Pinkie Pie cut off as Mrs Cake swept into the next room, six trays of cupcakes expertly balanced on her body and roll of bunting in hoof. Pinkie made to follow her, eyebrow raised, but was sent spinning when the other mare re-emerged from the room at high speed with a linen tablecloth over one shoulder. Shocked, Mrs Cake turned around.
"Oh, um, I'm sorry about that, Pinkie but I'm really busy right now. You see-" Vivid memories of the Princess's last visit to Sugarcube Corner surfaced in Mrs Cake's mind like unwelcome bubbles rising from a pit of black ooze. Her mental processing centre lit up violently. "You see... There's a big game of hide and seek going on, Pinkie, and we're baking everypony cupcakes." The baker began to sweat profusely, but Pinkie was too absorbed in her words to notice. "Yes, and it's your turn to hide, and you have to hide upstairs, in your room. Silently." Guilt weighed on Mrs Cake's expression so heavily that her head might have sunk to the floor. Even so, Pinkie Pie seemed to have bought it; a streak of pink light travelled up the stairs and into its room, immediately diving, through dimensions that neither ponies nor streaks of light were not meant to enter, into the vase on its desk. The vase rattled slightly, and giggled, before falling silent.
Mrs Cake told herself that it was for the greater good.
Outside, the ponies in the street had stopped running about and yelling and were instead standing very still. Mrs Cake felt worried, and she peered out of her window and into the erraticly decorated street. Princess Celestia, Ruler of the Sun, was wandering calmly down the path; she deftly avoided the chaotic spread of decorations on the floor and glanced in puzzlement at the bunting and banners, lingering for a second longer on, "Welcome Princess Celest" and smirking. Finally, from the silent crowd of ponies, Princess Twilight Sparkle stepped forwards, head bowed.
"I- I'm sorry, Princess. If only we'd had more warning we might have- we might..." Twilight trailed off with a whimper and Celestia stepped forwards concernedly.
"Twilight? Whatever is the matter?"
Twilight looked up. "We know what kind of greeting you expect. I'm sorry that I couldn't get it prepared in time. Were you testing my organisation?"
"What? Of course not, Twilight. This is only a friendly visit." Celestia cocked her head. "What do you mean, 'kind of greeting I expect.'?"
"The banners, the bunting, the crowds. I- I just..."
Celestia lay a hoof on her former student's shoulder. "Twilight, listen." She appeared to think for a moment. "No." she said, raising her voice to the crowd. "Everypony listen. It's fine. It really is. I'm not upset with you, or angry, or even disappointed." Mrs Cake began to step out of her doorway, and other ponies walked closer to the Princess, eyes firmly fixed on the speech. "I'm not a huge fan of bunting, to be honest, and banners aren't really my thing either. I'm not unhappy that you didn't do those things for me. If I'd wanted to be treated specially then I'd have made sure that you knew I was coming; I'd have given you days, weeks even, of warning." Celestia walked away from Twilight, who was looking up with hope, and towards the enraptured crowd. She looked down at the assemblage of ponykind: pegasi, unicorns, earth ponies, it made her heart warm, and she rested her hoof on each of their shoulders in turn. "Believe it or not, my little ponies, I quite like to get away from stuffy old Canterlot from time to time. The last thing I want is for you to recreate your own little Canterlot here when I visit." Celestia smiled, "I don't want finest truffle oil and ginger salads, I'd much rather try some hayfries." she looked suddenly pained. "The last time I had hayfries was one-hundred and twenty-two years ago, when they were invented; ever since the aristocracy shunned them I haven't been able to get a bite of one. Do you know what it's like not to have eaten food like hayfires in more than one hundred years? Don't make me suffer that. Please?" The smile returned, playful. "Now, Twilight, were can I find some hayfries?"
The crowd had relaxed, they were smiling. Celestia noted, gleefully, that some were even laughing. A filly raised a hoof to wave at her and it's mother copied her rather then pushing the hoof down. Celestia waved back, grinning widely. Twilight looked up at the elder Princess with the look of a filly who has just been told that, actually, they can have as many cookies as they want to and mummy won't mind at all.
It was the most beautiful look imaginable, and it lasted until Pinkie Pie landed on Celestia's head.
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She'd grown bored of the hide and seek; she always did. Pinkie Pie uncurled herself from the vase and returned to the normal three dimensions of the everyday world. The building downstairs sounded empty, but gentle laughter blew in from the street outside and Pinkie gravitated to it like a satellite; eager to orbit the joke and make observations. As she stepped onto the balcony she saw a street full of ponies, and immediately below was none other than Princess Celestia. Pinkie hadn't seen her in ages; she loved the Princess, she always gave the best hugs.
Excited, and eager, she took the quickest method of descent she could find.
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Something had gone wrong. The townsponies backed away from her as she stood up; she must've been knocked down but she hardly noticed once she felt the presence there. In her mane.
One eye twitched and, disregarded completely, ponies began to bolt.
Somepony was going to bucking burn.
Celestia's horn flared and a white light obscured her eyes as the pink shape on her head was tossed into the air and suspended there. Pinkie giggled at the sensation of magic running across her coat and looked down at the Princess in puzzlement.
"YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES, PINKAMENA DIANA PIE!" The thunder of the Royal Canterlot Voice echoed around the town and Twilight recoiled at the foreign sound of it from her mentor.
Celestia hadn't used the tone in hundreds of years but, in her rage, the old phrases came rushing right back. "WHAT HATH THOU TO SAY FOR THINE SELF?"
Even in the face of the Voice, Pinkie continued to giggle; she was thinking of Luna's first nightmare night, and all the trouble they had caused. "You're still not as scary as Loony." she managed.
The Sun Goddess' mane shot out from her head as if caught in a solar wind. She rose up from the ground and a great current of air began to swirl up and around the two figures. Twilight called out to them, but in the rushing air and blinding light she was payed no heed. She raised her wings to protect her face and watched with one eye the unfolding drama. Celestia's horn shone yet brighter, obscuring all vision, and the sound of the storm began to fade. Twilight envisioned with terror the sight of Pinkie Pie, incinerated or evaporated or banished to the moon (all of which, she realised later, would have meant that there was no Pinkie Pie to see once the light faded), but as she cautiously opened her eyes the scene she witnessed was far stranger than any she cold have imagined.
Sitting on the cobbles, with Princess Celestia standing over it, was a lone cupcake. It's wrapper was pink, and it's icing was pink, and even the sponge, upon closer inspection, was pink. Twilight knew without asking what had happened to her friend and she glanced up in horror at her mentor, who seemed light headed but otherwise perfectly calm once again.
"Ce- Ce- Celestia. What have you done?"
The towering white alicorn looked down at her creation and seemed to decide, after a moment's concussed thought, that it was good. "Where, Twilight, is the point in a law that is not enforced."
"But you've killed her!"
"No, no no no. No." Celestia paused. "No. She'll be fine in a couple of hours. Just give her plenty of bed-rest and make sure she drinks lots... of... fluids..."
And with that wisdom, Celestia fell over backwards. Because a squashed cupcake was much less likely to survive than a whole one, Twilight swiped her friend from the pavement as Celestia collapsed.
Pinkie had a lot to thank her for, later on.
Author's Note
It's three minutes past midnight. I'm tired and I haven't published anything for some time. Have some nonsense.
For anyone interested in the flavour of the cupcake, it was laughter flavoured. Anyone who is not willing to imagine what laughter tastes like, or would prefer a so called "real" flavour, should not be reading fics with the random tag.
This was subconsciously inspired, at least in part, by, "Unicorn Horns are Made of Candy", and was written because of the cover art that I found somewhere within the depths of the internet. That place is always good for a laugh.
And finally, thanks to RemareShadows for giving me the kick up the backside necessary to finish this damn thing off.
