OtterRiffs: The Continuing Adventures of Matt and Rainbow

by LastAmongEquals

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Alternate Universe
Length: 83504

Matt is stuck in Equestria. He has to riff stories. Bad stories. Enjoy his pain.

Matt is a normal human, who used to do normal human things. Thanks to some shenanigans by Pinkie and Twilight, he's now a human who is stuck in Equestria. Thanks to Luna, he's also forced to riff very bad fanfictions in order to save the world—or something like that.

He's really starting to miss those normal human things about now…

This riffverse has an entry on the PonyRiffs archive site, and it also has an entry in the PonyRiffs TV Tropes page. Feel free to add to it if you're a fellow troper!

This riffverse also has an official drinking game, which we do NOT recommend you attempt. Seriously, some of these riffs? You might die.

This is a remastering and continuation of a riffverse created by OtterMatt. All riffs, characters, and stories are used with permission of the original creators/writers.

All original stories being riffed are used without permission or remorse. Sorry, guys, but those are the breaks of the Fair Use non-commercial and parody clauses.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-09 17:47:35 UTC

[02] Queen of Cloudsdale, Pt. 2

The sun was well above the horizon by the time I got out of the shower the next morning, and I was still scrubbing a little water out of my goatee as I got dressed and walked out into the living room.  Even after the refreshing warmth of the shower, I was still at a borderline zombie state.  I had but one focus as I headed towards the kitchen: food.  I muttered as I pulled out a bowl and reached for the pantry.

"Oh, hey, dude!  Morning!"

I actually yelped out loud and dropped the bowl, which clattered against the countertop.  I felt much more awake as I turned around to see Rainbow Dash sitting at my makeshift desk, with several internet browser tabs open on my borrowed computer.  She waved at me cheerfully.  I narrowed my eyes in what I hoped was a dangerous glare.

"Dash, what the hellare you doing in my house?  It's eight in the freaking morning!"

At least she had the decency to look sheepish.  "I, uh—heh.  I sorta took your advice last night."

"Last night?"  I had to focus as my heart rate settled back into the double digits.  "We riffed, you helped me unpack, and... then what?"

She held up a sheet of notebook paper I'd scrawled on the other day.  "You said I needed to do some research on your world if we wanted to riff together.  I thought it was a tonof fun, and I wanted to know what your jokes were about, so I started going through this list of websites you made for me."

I blinked slowly.  "...all night?"

"Heh, yeah.  I sorta lost track of time, and by five in the morning, I just figured I'd nap on the couch and finish up in the morning."  She grinned.  "I finally get that 'knocking' joke you made yesterday!  That's pretty funny in hindsight."

I chuckled.  "Thanks.  What did you get through?"

She began counting off items on her pinions.  "Well, I started reading through memebase, TVTropes, and most of the news and history sites you wrote down.  I feel like I made at least some progress."  She looked away slightly.  "Also, I'm not real sure how to say this, but your world is messed up, dude."

I frowned.  "Yeah, I know it.  We've got issues to work through."

"But I absolutely lovehow you humans will race in anything," Dash said with a huge grin.  "Cars, boats, on hooves, bikes—anything."

I laughed.  "They're 'feet', and yeah, we're a pretty competitive race.  Heck, our space program was mostly because we didn't want to get beat by some other country."  I retrieved my bowl, quickly checking it for cracks.  "You want anything?"

"No thanks, I ate already."

I rolled my eyes.  "I bet.  You're welcome, by the way."  I heard Dash chuckle behind me as I filled my bowl with cereal and milk and started chomping away in a slightly surly, early-morning mood.

On the other side of Rainbow, the TV faded slowly to life.  On the screen, Luna looked quickly around the room and focused in on us.  "Ah, good morning to you both!  I am pleased to see you both up and active so early in the day!"

I grunted and continued with my cereal.

"Hey, Princess Luna," Dash replied, shutting down the browser and spinning idly in my custom-made computer chair.

"Since you are both awake, perchance you would like to partake in the next part of the riff?"

"Hell no," I deadpanned.  "Cereal now, riff later."

Luna pouted, sticking out her bottom lip like a petulant foal being sent to bed.  I rolled my eyes.  "Come on, don't give me that, Luna!  It's early!  How do you possibly expect me to be funny when your world doesn't even have decent caffeine to get me going?"

Rainbow frowned.  "We havecoffee, you know."

"Coffee's disgusting," I huffed.  "I'm just lucky your world has decent tea, otherwise I'd really be screwed.  I practically livedon caffeinated soda back home, and now I'm here cold turkey.  It sucks, man."

"Well," Luna observed, "I feel I must remind you that I control your destiny, and also your doors."  She flicked a switch and the doors and windows latched with a loud thunk.  Rainbow facehoofed as I groaned.

"You know what, fine," I gave in.  "But I'm bringing my damned breakfast."

Rainbow slid off the chair and stomped over to the couch along with me, and we slumped onto the surface in almost perfect mirrored images of the other.

"Fine, let's have it," Rainbow scowled.

I simply took another spoonful of cereal in what I hoped was an intimidating manner.

"Very well, then," Luna crowed, "the second portion of your adventure begins... now!"

The wall-mounted light began spinning, throwing yellow beams across the face of the wall.

Dash and I sighed.  "We got story sign..."

**Queen of Cloudsdale, by hamcon**

Chapter 2 - "History"

When Rainbow Dash woke up, she found that she in the Golden Oaks Library, in Twilight's bed.

*Rainbow: “Oh, Luna, how much cider did I have last night.”*

Getting up, she looked around for Celestia, or the two mayors, but found nothing.

*Matt: Tia’s more of a “love-em-and-leave-em” type, it seems.  Can't form attachments.*

*Rainbow: It's sad, really.*

"Thank Celestia, it must of been a dream," she sighed in relief, but her hopes were crushed when she saw not only her friends, but the princess and the mayors.

*Matt: “Oh, Rainbow Dash, we’ve got piiiiiictuuuuures!”*

"Good to see that you have awaken Rainbow, we were worried when you fainted," Celestia said.

"Well, what do you expect when you find out that you are not only an Alicorn, but Queen of an entire race!?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, throwing her forelegs in the air.

*Rainbow: Like she just didn’t care.*

***Matt:* Verynice!  I can see that time on the internet wasn’t wasted.**

"Rainbow Dash, I know that you are upset, but we had to keep it a secret," Celestia said, causing the rainbow maned Alicorn to raise an eyebrow.

"We?"

"Yes, King Wind Chaser, your parents, Dr. Bandage, and I had to keep it a secret that you were born an Alicorn, until it was your time to rule," Celestia explained.

***Matt: “Dr. Bandage?”  That’s* reallythe best we could come up with, huh?**

*Rainbow: “Dr. Doctor” would be the only step down, and it’s not that far, actually.*

Rainbow Dash stared at the sun princess in disbelief, then glared at her.

*Rainbow: She was apparently disconcerted that “sun princess” is no longer worthy of capital letters.*

***Matt: *in a British accent* Oh, they’re everywhere these days.  We’re practically* trippingover sun princesses.  Bloody ‘eck...**

"Tell me everything," she demanded.

*Matt: “Well then, this is gonna take a while.”  *clears throat*  “About 2.6 billion years ago—”*

***Rainbow: “Tell me* somethings.”**

"Okay Rainbow, it all began when your mother was pregnant."

*Rainbow: More stories should start at that point.  You really miss out on the whole “origins” part of a character if you don’t mention that.*

*Matt: *eats more cereal**

~20 years ago~

~Cloudsdale Hospital ~

*Rainbow: It was a dark and stormy night.*

*Matt: I’d just taken a creative writing course.*

The pregnant Aurora Dash and her husband Spectrum Dash were sitting in the office of Dr. Bandage, who was checking the medical reports of Aurora.

*Matt: Everypony caught up now?*

Aurora, despite her name, was a dark blue Pegasus with a green mane, and wore glasses.  She was nervous, as she wanted to know if her foal was alright.  Her husband, Spectrum, was an almost purple Pegasus with a rainbow mane.

***Rainbow:* Almostpurple.  So, like, blue?**

*Matt: He was actually pink, but he found he caught less flak for it if he said “almost purple” instead of “lightish red.”*

Spectrum put his hoof on Aurora's leg and gave a reassuring smile, which helped calm his wife down.

*Matt: Stories really don’t get any more “tell-y” than this.  It's narrative by Powerpoint.*

Dr. Bandage checked the reports, put them back in their folders and put it in his desk drawer, then went back to the couple.

*Matt: “The cancer is terminal, I’m afraid.”*

*Rainbow: “But I’m just here for a maternity checkup!”*

*Matt: “Huh.  Then what did I tell Mr. Skies when he was just in here?”*

"Well Mrs. Dash, I am glad to say that you and the foal are perfectly healthy, and no defects were found on the foal,"

***Rainbow: “On your* husband, on the other hoof...”**

*Matt: “Seriously!  It’s not pink!”*

"Thank you Dr. Bandage, but we are wondering something," Spectrum said, looking worried.

"And what is it?"

"Well, I have been experiencing pain whenever the foal moves," Aurora explained, rubbing her swollen stomach.

Dr. Bandage was puzzled at this.  "Well, what you are describing is a problem unicorn's bearing foals show, as the foal has a horn, and when it moves around, the horn will jab into the uterus.

**Matt and Rainbow wince**

*Rainbow: Freaking OW.*

*Matt: Ye gods, am I glad to be male right now.*

But this never happens to a Pegasus unless she has a unicorn foal, and according to the reports, you're foal has wings," he explained.

*Rainbow: Your, you’re; what’s the difference?*

*Matt: About a year of middle school.*

"Could it be a defect?  I mean, we can't see the foal," Spectrum asked.

"You could be right, and while the reports do say that the foal is fine, medical technology has only gotten so far so we can't know for certain,

*Rainbow: Our medical technology is advanced enough for me to say that there aren’t any defects on the foal, though.*

***Matt:* Andit can detect wings, but not horns?**

*Rainbow: Convenient excuse is convenient.*

***Matt: *grins* Wow, you made it all the way into memes?  This experience just got a* lotmore fun.**

I suggest you take a look at your family tree, to see if there is a history you don't know," Dr. Bandage said.

*Rainbow: Actually, there IS a unicorn in my family tree somewhere.  True story.*

*Matt: Huh.  Did any of your close relatives ever give birth to a unicorn?*

*Rainbow: Not that I knew, but my family is pretty scattered.*

The couple thank their doctor and left the office.

Dr. Bandage looked over his reports again to see if he misread anything.

***Matt: “Dammit, so* that’swhy Mr. Skies was so happy when I told him he was pregnant...”**

"She is experiencing pain that a mother bearing a unicorn feels, but reports say that the foal has wings.  Could the foal be... No it couldn't,"

*Rainbow: DUN DUN DUUUUNNNN!!*

~Dash Household, Cloudsdale~

*Matt: 9:45 PM.  I had just gotten back from my office to see that someone had trashed the place.*

*Rainbow: I knew that mare was trouble when she walked in.*

The couple were searching through their attic, looking for their family tree.

*Rainbow: Which was stupid, because it was clearly planted outside, in the garden.*

***Matt: *facepalm* Ow, Dash, that was* bad.**

"Found anything Spectrum?" Aurora asked, going through one of the many boxes.

"Not yet, wait I found mine!" Spectrum yelled in excitement, holding up an old book.

***Matt: Maybe the pages were* madefrom their family tree.**

Aurora ran over and saw the book, it looked to be over a thousand years old, the spine was damaged, and it was covered in the thickest layer of dust she has ever seen.

***Rainbow: Somewhere, right now, Twilight Sparkle is throwing a* massivetantrum over this book’s treatment.**

***Matt: If it's a thousand years old, then presumably it's not very current.  It's not easy to* addpages to most books.**

"Are you sure we can find something in this book?" Aurora asked.

"I hope so, this book has been in the Dash family for over a millennium, my father gave it to me, but he never told me what ancestors we had, and I never bothered to read it, but now we have to," Spectrum admitted and opened the book, flipping the pages to find out if there was a deformity in his family.

*Matt: “A deformity?”  Jeez, that’s harsh.*

***Rainbow: Never knew my parents were* racist.  Or named something other than what I called them.  Or pink, for that matter.**

The two saw many things that surprised them,

*Matt: Big Johnny Dash, who married a bear!*

*Rainbow: Layercake Dash, the world’s fattest pegasus!*

*Matt: Heisty Dash, who robbed the Appaloosa Bank twelve times without getting caught!*

*Rainbow: “Heisty Dash?”  Seriously?*

*Matt: What?  It's still a better name than “Dr. Bandage.”*

but they still found nothing that told of a deformity in the family, but when they got to the last page, Aurora jaw dropped, and Spectrum let the book fall.

**Matt and Rainbow jump as a loud BOOM echoes outside the house**

***Matt: What the hell was* that?**

*Rainbow: Judging from the fallout, my guess is it's Twilight throwing a fit over somepony dropping a thousand-year-old book like first-period chemistry.*

"That-that can't be right," Spectrum said, he was beginning to hyperventilate.

*Rainbow: Hey, look!  That period grew a tail and completely screwed up the sentence!*

Aurora picked up the book and began to read it.

"King Spectrum Blitz, king of the Pagesi from 1 C.R (Celestia Rule) to 100 C.R.

*Matt: Pagesi, huh?*

*Rainbow: Sounds foreign.  Maybe they were Bitalian?*

King Spectrum Blitz is the one that led the Pegasi into Equestria and credited for creating Cloudsdale.

*Rainbow: Hate to break it to ya, but no, he didn’t.*

*Matt: I can see how somepony might think that Commander Hurricane was kind of a prick, but getting completely written out of history is a bit much.*

He became allies with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna to stop Discord, and to help keep Equestria safe.  He had a daughter named Firefly, and a son named Thunder Crash.  Firefly married Fire Dash and moved away from Cloudsdale, while Thunder Crash became the next king when Spectrum Blitz died,"

*Matt: Which, of course, would mean nothing to them since royalty follows male bloodlines.*

***Rainbow: In* yourworld, maybe.  Do you seeall the mares around here?**

*Matt: *grins* Yes.  Yes I do.*

*Rainbow: … Perv.*

*Matt: Seriously, though, if the crown doesn’t follow male lines, why wasn’t Firefly the Queen, and why is there a King at all?*

The two stared at each other, then to the swollen stomach of Aurora.

"I'm going to have an Alicorn," Aurora said, not knowing whether to be scared or happy.

"And our foal will become the next King or Queen of the Pegasi," Spectrum said.

***Matt: I’m sorry, but there was* nothingmentioned in that book about alicorns anywhere.  Where did this knowledge come from?  How were wesupposed to know this?**

*Rainbow: And besides, wouldn’t the crown be following Thunder Crash’s bloodline now, not Firefly’s?*

*Matt: Lineage 101, for when you just don’t care enough to set up your descendants properly.*

The next day Spectrum wrote a letter to his brother, who happened to be Celestia's personal guard, so the letter could be sent to Celestia without waiting for days to get a response.

*Rainbow: Taking advantage of your privileged station while on duty seems like the kind of thing that Shining Armor would frown on.*

"Spectrum, are you sure this will work?" Aurora asked.

"I hope so, I don't want our foal to be treated like royalty the moment she or he is born," Spectrum answered, he put the letter in an envelope and but in the mailbox beside their house, now they had to wait.

*Matt: He put his own butt in the mailbox?  Jeez, these ponies are eccentric.*

~Royal Guards Barracks, Canterlot ~

Lightning Dash put on his armour for the day, today he had to guard Celestia as she did her routine of checking a city.

*Matt: No city in particular, just any ol’ city was fine.*

*Rainbow: This narration is freaking boring.Andnonsensical.*

"Lightning Dash, there is a letter for you, it's from your brother!" A mail stallion said walking up to him and giving the guard the letter.

"Thank you," Lightning opened up the letter and read it, his eyes widened and ran out of the barrack to find the sun princess.

*Matt: Lightning Dash himself, though, stood and searched frantically with his hooves for his missing eyes.*

***Rainbow: That* reallyseems like it would hurt.**

~Canterlot Castle, Main Hall~

*Matt: 12:30 am.  I awoke to discover that I was in a Phoenix Wright game...*

Celestia waited patiently for her guard, Lightning Dash, to accompany her during her checking of Trottingham.

*Rainbow: This is a thing, huh?  The Princess just comes by and “checks” your city?*

*Matt: This may be the laziest story I’ve ever read.  “What is she doing?”  “Eh, checking.   I dunno, whatever.”*

She was sipping her tea when the door burst open to reveal a panting Lightning Dash.

"I'm sorry your highness, but I have some urgent news for you," Lightning Dash said in between pants.

***Matt: I didn’t think ponies* worepants.**

*Rainbow: *cuffs Matt across the head**

"And what is it?" Celestia asked, curious about what could be so important.

"It appears that my brother and his wife are going to have a foal,"

"Well, I am glad to hear that, but I do not know why it is so urgent?"

"The foal is going to be an Alicorn,"

*Matt: Because of reasons.*

Celestia froze in place, taking this information in.  A Pegasus couple is going to have an Alicorn?  How is this possible?

*Rainbow: I love how she just believes it without questioning.*

*Matt: That must be one trustworthy guard.  Or he's clairvoyant.  Ask him who's going to win next year's hoofball title!*

"Are you sure you didn't misread it?" Celestia asked, getting a shake from Lightning Dash.

"No your highness, it says in the letter that the Dash family is apparently has King Spectrum Blitz as our great grandfather,"

*Rainbow: Which apparently means something, but the author forgot to tell us if he was an alicorn or not.*

*Matt: I think that’s happening a lot, actually.*

Celestia stood from her throne and turned to her scribe.  "Tell Mayor Worthy that I will not be coming to Trottingham, and that we are going to Las Pegasus to talk to King Wind Chaser,"

The scribe nodded and wrote the letter.

Celestia turned to her two guards with a stern face.

*Matt: She used her special eyes.*

*Rainbow: MY BRAND!*

"Get the chariot ready, we are going to Las Pegasus,"

*Matt: VIVA LAS PEGASUS!!!!*

~Las Pegasus Castle ~

*Rainbow: Slightly behind the craps table.*

King Wind Chaser was sitting across from Princess Celestia, he heard everything that was told to him, but was having trouble believing it.

*Rainbow: This story just keeps on being dull.  The King was sitting across from the Princess.  That’s all.  No posture, no description, no expression, no setup—NOTHING.*

*Matt: He had trouble believing it, but no reaction, no expression, no movements—NOTHING.*

"So Princess, you are telling me that the next King or Queen of the Pegasi is going to be born, from a family of Pegasi that happened to have King Spectrum Blitz as a grandfather over a thousand years ago?"

*Matt: He said, remarkably deadpan for something that is apparently of EARTH-SHATTERING IMPORTANCE.*

"Yes I do," Celestia simply stated, she was trying her best to convince the King of the Pegasi, but it was not going so well.

***Rainbow: Yet another pesky comma splice.  So, in your world, just when* doesa student typically learn about basic sentence construction?**

*Matt: Um, about sixth grade, I think.  If they're slow.*

*Rainbow: *sigh**

"I'm sorry Princess, but how can a family of Pegasi just now have an Alicorn?"

***Matt: There are* formsto be filled out!  You can’t go having alicorns just now because you feel like it!  What about the zoningpermits?**

"We do not know, but it could be that a gene was finally able to be added, or nature itself noticed that you do not have an offspring to take the crown once you die," Celestia explained.

*Rainbow: Did the author really just directly invoke magic because he or she had no idea how to explain this?*

*Matt: Ah, the good ol’ Deus Ex Magica.*

*Rainbow: What’s that?*

*Matt: It’s French for “Are you freaking kidding me?”*

Wind Chaser couldn't help but agree with his higher up, sure he was king, but it was an honorary title given to the Alicorn royalty to stop confusion between the rulers of Equestria and the the ruler of all pegasi.

*Matt: God, this hurts.  It hurts grammatically, it hurts from the comma splice, it hurts from the logic.*

***Rainbow: Yeah, honorary titles are* alwaysgiven to be a higher rank than the people that give them.**

And his only son disappeared years ago.

*Rainbow: Maybe he realized how badly he would have been written and faked his own death?*

He stared at the sun princess and gave a sigh.

*Matt: It was a traditional gift when a King is outranked by a PRINCESS.*

"I will go to Cloudsdale to see if this is true, and if it is, I want this to be kept a secret if words get out, the Pegasus council would be furious that a Alicorn born from a lower class will be the next ruler,"

"Understood, I enjoyed having this talk," with that Celestia walked out of the room, with her two guards beside her.

*Matt: Wat.*

***Rainbow:* Wat.**

***Matt: FRAKING* WHAT?  It’s complete nonsense with commas sprinkled in!  It’s like the flower shop scene in The Room!  It’s a masterpiece of directionless semi-prose!  This fic should be framedand displayedin museums!**

Wind Chaser turned to his guards. "We are going to Cludsdale, and I want you all to keep this a secret, not even your family can know of this," he ordered, the guards saluted and ran out of the room, leaving the king to himself.

***Rainbow: Is it just me, or is the writing actually getting* worse?  Cludsdale?**

***Matt: It’s* waytoo early in the day for this.**

***Rainbow: It's too early in my* lifefor this.**

He took off his crown and stared at it, thinking about how the family will react if it turns out that the foal really is an Alicorn.

***Matt: Yeah, maybe his other son,* Emperor Dash will take over instead.**

*Rainbow: Not gonna let that go, huh?*

*Matt: Not a chance.*

~The Next Day~

~Dash Household, Cloudsdale~

Wind Chaser stood at the door with his guards beside him, thinking about how he would introduce himself.

*Rainbow: “Hi” usually works.*

***Matt: “Hey, I’m a* fake king.”**

*Rainbow: *sigh**

"Your majesty, shouldn't we knock now?" one of the guards asked.

"Hmm, oh, yes, please do,"

The guard nodded and knocked on the door.

The door opened to reveal a light purple Pegasus.

*Matt: Wait, don’t tell me, the pegasus said words.*

***Rainbow:* Andhe did things.**

*Matt: Wow.  Truly, this is a work of great power.*

"Hello sirs, and hello King Wind Chaser," the Pegasus said smiling, but his smile turned into shock in an instance.

"King Wind Chaser!?" the Pegasus bowed before the king and began to apologize, "I'm sorry your highness, I did not mean to be disrespectful!"

***Rainbow: “How* dareyou say hello to the King!  Off with his head!”**

*Matt: *tsks* Such disrespect these days.*

"It is all right Spectrum Dash; you did not know that I would be coming,"

"You know my name?" Spectrum asked, now scared for his life.

*Matt: It had taken him ten years and several fake identities to be free of the police.  Would it all crumble down around him now?*

"Yes I do, and I also know that your wife, Aurora Dash, is pregnant, and you think that the foal will be an Alicorn,"

"Yes your highness, we do, I found out that my great grandfather is King Spectrum Blitz," Spectrum admitted.

*Rainbow: Which apparently means something.*

"Can I see your wife?" Wind Chaser asked.

*Rainbow: What an impertinent thing to ask somepony.*

***Matt: It’s* goodto be the king!**

"Of course your highness, please come in," Spectrum said rather quickly, letting the king and his guards inside.

Wind Chaser looked around the room, and realized that he never been in a home like this, in fact, he never talked directly to one of his subjects before.

*Rainbow: Quite a ruler for the common pony, yeah?*

*Matt: For an honorary monarch, he’s kinda stuck up his own backside, isn’t he?*

"Honey, we have a very important guest," Spectrum called.

Aurora came into the room, and saw Wind Chaser.

"Your highness, what brings you here?" Aurora asked scared.

*Matt: Scared was clearly unable to reply, though, as it was a mere metaphysical concept and not an actual pony.*

*Rainbow: Don’t know why she bothered to ask it at all, actually.*

"I came to find out if your foal is actually an Alicorn," Wind Chaser said.

The Dash couple looked at each other scared.

***Matt:* Againwith that freaking word!  That’s it, I’m passing the hat.  We need to buy this author a freaking thesaurus.**

*Rainbow: My bits are staying right where they are, thank you very much!  This dude's on his own!*

"This won't hurt the foal will it?" Aurora asked.

Wind Chaser shook his head, "No, all I will do is to sense if there is any magic other than Pegasus in the foal," with that his horn glow a bright blue.

***Rainbow: Wow.  I wish our* advanced medical technologyhad been able to do this.**

Aurora walked to their king and allowed him to put his horn to her swollen stomach.

*Matt: She exploded like a balloon.  The end.*

Wind Chaser concentrated; his eyes were closed, in order to see the magic that was coming out of the foal.

*Rainbow: Wait a second!  Is that...?*

*Matt: Couldn’t be...*

*Rainbow: It IS!  It’s an actual semicolon!  I’m impressed the author found out where it lived!*

***Matt: And it’s STILL used wrong!  *cries and pounds the arm of the couch* Oh, Luna,* pleaselet us out of here...**

"I sense Pegasus magic, that is for sure, but I can also sense Earth pony, and unicorn magic, she is an Alicorn, but what is this fourth magic I sense, it could be from the foals mother, but I'm not sure," Wind Chaser thought, he brought his horn away and opened his eyes.

*Matt: Oh, sweet Steven Magnet.  That’s just tragic.  That is one trainwreck of a sentence.*

*Rainbow: Are you overlooking that fact that the author is clearly trying to introduce a non-canon magical ability?*

*Matt: Yes.  Yes I am.  If I concentrate on that right now, I’ll have an undeniable urge to slit my wrists.*

"Aurora, you are having an Alicorn,"

***Both:* DUH!**

Aurora didn't know how to react, she wasn't sure if she should be happy, or scared.

*Matt: Well, “scared” has been the most popular choice by far, to this point.*

*Rainbow: Scared, happy; these are pretty much the only emotions that have been used in this chapter so far.*

*Matt: This is what happens when you write with a fourth grade vocabulary, people.*

"You won't take our foal away when it is born, will you?" Spectrum asked.

"No, I won’t; in fact, nopony will know that the foal is even an Alicorn,”

***Rainbow: This author will do* anythingto avoid using a freaking period.  Did a period murder his parents or something?**

*Matt: He’s like the Batman of punctuation.*

"What do you mean?" Spectrum asked.

"You will see when it is born," with that, Wind Chaser left the house, leaving the couple confused.

*Rainbow: Confused.  That’s a new one.*

*Matt: It’s still as simplistic as possible, but it’s not scared, I’ll give him that.*

~5 months later~

~Cloudsdale Hospital~

*Matt: What is that now, four time jumps?  Five?  Someone should explain to the author what “narrative” means.*

Screams of pain ran through the hospital as Aurora panted, trying to push her foal out.

***Rainbow: So, if* shewas panting, who was screaming?**

*Matt: This hospital is dangerous!  There’s just rogue screams of pain running around unsupervised!*

Spectrum was at her side, holding her hoof, and Dr. Bandage was at the other side, watching while the Royal Canterlot doctors did their work.

*Matt: And they were in Cloudsdale why?*

*Rainbow: I’m just glad somepony realized that Dr. Bandage was incompetent and didn’t let him help.*

*Matt: *snorts* Bandage...*

"Come on Mrs. Dash, you are doing great," the doctor said.

*Matt: Push em out, shove em out, waaaaaayy out!*

The screams continued until she the pain went away,

***Rainbow: That* ishow it usually works, yes.**

only to be replaced with the crying of a foal.

"Congratulation, it's a beautiful Alicorn filly," the doctor said, cleaning the filly and wrapping her in a blanket, giving it to Aurora.

"Spectrum, she's beautiful, she has your mane and eyes," Aurora said, crying from joy.

*Matt: “I was wondering where they were!”*

The filly was a cyan coloured and had magenta eyes, and her mane was a rainbow of colours, she also had a horn, and wings.

*Rainbow: How... bland.*

*Matt: She was described as completely normal and typical—oh and she also had this one amazing thing that made her totally special.  I’m gonna need to fetch my Sue-huntin’ guns, arent’ I?*

***Rainbow: I'm just so amazed that someone could make a description of somepony as distinctive as me so* dull.**

Spectrum couldn't help but also cry at the sight.

*Rainbow: Because the author didn’t really give him an option.*

"Hello there my little Dashie, I'm your daddy,"

*Rainbow: *grits her teeth**

*Matt: Ha!  Dashie...*

*Rainbow: Come on, dude!  The story is one thing, but you, too?*

*Matt: *sticks out his tongue* When it stops bugging you, I stop using it.*

Spectrum brought his hoof to his daughter, who grabbed it with weak hooves, causing Spectrum and Aurora to giggle.

***Matt: Now she’s got his eyes, his mane,* andhis hoof.**

*Rainbow: Seems like she’s kinda greedy.*

"What should we call her?" Aurora asked, smiling as their foal went to sleep.

"How about Rainbow," Spectrum suggested.

"Rainbow, I love that name, our little Rainbow Dash,"

"I like it as well,"

*Rainbow: “I love that name.”*

*Matt: “I like it.”*

*Rainbow: “It’s not bad.”*

*Matt: “I mean, it’s okay, right?”*

*Rainbow: “It’s not thrilling.”*

*Matt: “I’m not a fan.”*

*Rainbow: “I hate it!”*

*Matt: “It’s terrible!”*

Everypony turned their head to see their king, Wind Chaser walk into the room, the ponies bowed, all expect for Aurora and Spectrum.

*Rainbow: Who had paid attention earlier and realized that he wasn’t a real king.*

Wind Chaser walked to the couple and looked at the baby.

"I definitively see you both in her,"

***Matt: That’s* likedefinitely, but not.**

"Your highness, what are you doing?" Spectrum asked.

*Rainbow: “Celestia told me all about this ‘checking’ thing she does.  I’m giving it a shot!”*

"I am making sure that she doesn't get treated like royalty," Wind Chaser's horn glowed, and he brought it to the foal, and before their eyes, the Alicorn became a Pegasus.

*Matt: Um... which alicorn became a pegasus now?*

*Rainbow: Ambiguity, you strike again.*

"What did you do?" Aurora asked, confused at the sight.

*Matt: “I turned myself into a freaking pegasus!  Oh, why am I so bad at magic?”*

"I cast an illusion spell on her, it will last till I die, or until she dies," Wind Chaser explained.

"What do you mean, aren't Alicorns immortal?" Dr. Bandage asked.

*Rainbow: Incoming canon-rape...*

"In most cases yes, but since Rainbow here has more Pegasus than Alicorn in her; she will have the life span of a Pegasus,"

*Matt: *cough*Bullshit*cough**

*Rainbow: Need some water there?*

*Matt: Sorry ‘bout that, I have an allergy to retarded storytelling.*

"Your highness, what do you want us to do?" Spectrum asked.

*Rainbow: “I’d like you to come up with a more plausible story than I just did.”*

"I want you to raise her like you would raise a Pegasus, tell her nothing of her heritage, I want her to rule in my place, with the knowledge of how the world works, and feels," Wind Chaser ordered.

***Matt: “This will make her a* muchsuperior ruler than I am, since I had never even been in a regular home before I met you.”**

***Rainbow: Merciful Luna, he is* sucha crap king.**

The couple bowed their heads at their king.  "Yes, your highness,"

"Good, now I will be going back to Las Pegasus, Celestia will be coming to get her royal doctors; I trust them to not tell anypony,"

***Rainbow: Thanks for* finallyexplaining what they were doing there, story.**

*Matt: We still have it only on the barest of logical conjecture that they’re even pegasi.*

***Rainbow: I'm not even sure they're* alive.  I'm just imagining a cardboard cutout standing near the bed.**

The couple didn't listen, as they went back to their daughter, smiling at the fact that they now have somepony to love them.

***Matt: Isn’t that sorta backwards from the way a family is* supposedto work?**

The rest is history.

*Matt: As are we.  Let’s get the hell outta here, Dash.*

*Rainbow: Right behind ya.*

***The two of us were in the kitchen a few minutes later.  Rainbow sat on the table, swinging her rear hooves in the air as I dug uselessly through the fridge for the third time.  "Aw, man, I* reallythought I had some in here..."**

*"Whatcha lookin’ for?" the mare chimed in.*

*"Booze.  I could have sworn I had some, and I have a suspicion that this job is only gonna get worse as we go on."*

*Rainbow laughed.  "Want me to call up AJ and see if I can get us a stash of cider?"*

*I scowled, almost slamming the refrigerator shut.  "Meh.  That stuff's alright, but it gets old pretty quickly.  Don’t you have anything else in Equestria?"*

*"Like what?"*

*"Note to self," I muttered, "research how to distill bourbon..."*

*The TV blinked back on to show Luna.  "Matt?  Rainbow?  Is this viewer functioning?"*

*" We’re in the kitchen, Princess," Rainbow called out.*

*" Ah.  I shall have to have my visual field expanded in the future.  At any rate, you have both done well.  This story is awful, surely, but you both have taken it in good humor!"*

*Rainbow buffed her hoof on her chest smugly.  "Yeah, well, what can I say?  It’s what we do."*

*I smiled.  "Thanks, Luna.  I guess Dash here just brings out my sarcastic side."*

*"Me?" she blurted.  "I used to be a sweet, innocent mare before you showed up!"*

***"Oh please," I snorted, laughing.  "Like I’d buy that even if I* hadn’tknown about you before I got here."**

*"Which does remind me, Matt," Luna called to us.  "I have taken the liberty of securing your mobile computer from your former world."*

*I jumped into the air, cheering.  "You got my lappy!  Oh thank you!  Thank everything!"*

*Luna smirked.  "Thou art most welcome.  It should arrive soon, and will be delivered to you thence.  Until next time!"  The TV shut off as I pumped my fists in exultation.*

*"Yes!  My music!  It's coming home to me!"*

*"Nice," Rainbow grinned.  "Can’t wait to see what you’ve got worth listening to.  In the meantime, though, what’s for lunch?  I’m starving over here."*

***"And what makes you think* I’mproviding food for you?"**

*"Because you are."*

*I sighed, knowing I wasn't winning this argument and not really into trying.  "Fine, let’s go hit the market.  There ain’t much in here."*

**-fin-**

[03] Queen of Cloudsdale, Pt. 3

I'm still not sure how my phone worked in Equestria, but I found that the less I questioned such things, the happier I was with my new life.  At any rate, it worked just fine.  So much the worse then, as I listened to my wingmare's bad news from the other end of the line.

"Yeah," I said into the handset.  "Oh man...  No, I get it, it's cool...  No, seriously, you take some time to recoup.  Don't go making things worse or anything like that...  I'll see you when you can get here, no need to rush...  Yeah...  Okay, bye, Rainbow."

I ended the call and slumped slightly on the couch, depressed.  In my state, I hardly even noticed the TV turn on and Luna wandered in from off-screen.

"Good day to you, Sir Matt!"

"Yeah, hi, Luna," I replied, distracted.  "Hey,don't you think by now that you can just call me 'Matt'?"

Equestria's ruler hesitated.  "I suppose, though I admit I am still not used to the lack of decorum you show me.  I do not feel it holds to the proper standards of punishment.  You are not intended to enjoy this, after all."

I rolled my eyes.  "Yeah, that must be why you gave me this house to live in.  Come on, we're buddies, aren't we?"

"I—Are we "buddies?"  She stared at me, considering the never-before considered notion.

"Yup," I replied.  "Totally."

Luna beamed happily.  "How wonderful!  I have never before had a "buddy."  What manner of things do "buddies" normally do?"

I kept my face nonchalant.  "Oh, hang out, watch movies, notmake each other riff horrible stories..."

"Oh ho!" the Princess laughed.  "I have indeed seen what thou hast attempted.  Well played."

I folded my arms grumpily.  "Worth a shot..."

" Where is thy compatriot, Rainbow Dash?"

"I just talked to her," I sighed, unhappily relaying my recent call.  "The Wonderbolts called her up to Cloudsdale to train a rookie, and the idiot misread a maneuver, spun out, and got them both injured.  He washed out of the team, and she got a dislocated hip and sprained wing from the landing.  She'll be in the hospital for two days and laid up in her house for another two weeks before she can even fly down to Ponyville again."

Luna winced.  "How terrible.  We must remember to send her a card at least."

"You're not wrong."  I scratched at my hair, distractedly.  "So she's stuck at home for all of that time, and no performance flying for at least a month."  I threw a pointed look at Luna.  "And since I'mstuck here, I'm assuming this isn't merely a social call?"

The alicorn looked chagrined, her ears falling to the sides solemnly.  "Indeed, I dohave yet another chapter for you to tackle, but I do not know that I feel right in giving it to you without a companion..."

I shrugged.  "Well, I mean, sure it's bad, but it's not, like, thatbad."

Luna's ears perked up as she smiled.  "Perhaps I have a solution.  I believe one of the tenants of a "buddy" is that they are to "have your back" when times are difficult.  And since we are now buddies, I shall assist you!"

"Woah, wait.  What?"

I flinched and cried out as a blinding flash bored its way into my eyes.  I rubbed furiously at them, swearing constantly under my breath, and opened them again to see Luna on the couch beside me.

The alicorn cheered happily as the doors and windows activated, clicking shut.  "Huzzah!  Let us begin!"

"Oh sweet Harmony," I moaned.  "Luna, you doknow what you're getting into, right?"

Her reckless grin was infectious.  "Only the barest notions, Matt, but we shall prevail nonetheless!"

In its typical place, the story klaxon blared out its typical wash of light.

Luna practically jumped with glee.  "THE STORY SIGN ACTIVATES!"

"Here goes nothing..." I muttered.

Queen of Cloudsdale, by hamcon

Chapter 3 - “Anger and Acceptance”

~Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville~

Luna: So, what do I do?

Matt: It's easy, just watch and learn.

Rainbow Dash stared down in shock in what she heard.  She didn’t want to believe it, but here she was, an Alicorn who would have to rule over the Pegasi.

Matt: Always good to see the notion of free will getting kicked in the head.

She wanted to be angry at her parents for keeping it a secret from her, but they made her happy, so she couldn’t be mad at them, nor at Celestia or Dr. Bandage.

Matt: If she wants to be a good political leader, she'd better get used to the idea of blaming someone.

Luna: *gasps*  Such cynicism!  Do political dealings in your world follow such patterns?

Matt: Generally, yes, but it's more sarcasm than cynicism.  It's how riffing works, Luna.  Now come on; you're a freaking troll, I knowyou've got a sarcastic side.  Give it a shot!

“I’m sure that this is a lot to take in,” Celestia said, cutting Rainbow Dash’’s thought.

Luna: Um, oh!  Okay.  "It would take weeks for such a cut to heal."  How was that?

Matt: Not bad!  Just let it roll naturally, and boost the snarkiness.

“But we had to do it, so you would know how the real world works when you became queen,”

Matt: Something the previous ruler failed to grasp at all, and what did it get him?

“I guess so, but Celestia, I wonder something?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Luna: Just one thing?

“What is it?”

Matt: "Why dothey call it a flea market when you don't buy fleas?"

“What is this fourth magic Wind Chaser sensed in me?”

Luna: She has raised an excellent point, actually.

The sun princess smiled, “I think you know what it is, you used it to stop Nightmare Moon and Discord,”

Matt: A wild Deus Ex Magica appears!

Luna: What is that?

Matt: Right.You'regetting an education, too, as soon as this is over.  Internets for everypony!

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened in realization.

“You mean-”

“Yes Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty,” Celestia answered.

Matt: Laaaaaaame.

Luna: To claim that revelation as "underwhelming" fails to do it due service, I think.

“Wow, I guess that makes me the most awesome Alicorn, I can’t wait to tell everypony that, but I am going to have to decline, since I have a job, and friends,” Rainbow Dash boasted.

Matt: It amuses me how Rainbow can't seem to decide if she's a self-absorbed braggart or a humble, damaged flower.

Luna:  I am noting quite a number of grammatical errors thus far.  Is such a thing common?

Matt: You kinda start overlooking them after a while.  You have to, or else your brain tries to escape out your ear.

Celestia and the mayors stared at each other in with uneasy looks.

Matt: "In with." You know what?  "Uneasy" isn't scared or happy, so I'll accept it.

“Rainbow Dash, you are going to be Queen of the Pegasi,” Celestia said.

Luna: My sister wouldst never force such a burden on another pony!  Neither wouldst I!

Matt: What about Twilight becoming an alicorn?

Luna: She performed that act herself, my sister's place was merely to help her decide her own path after the fact.

The rainbow Alicorn turned to the princess with a disbelieving look.

“But don’t I have a choice?”

Matt: *waves his hands* THE POWER OF THE PLOT COMPELS YOU!  THE POWER OF THE PLOT COMPELS YOU!

“No, you don’t.  Once the king or queen chooses one to rule, they must become the next ruler, it is a law that must be held,” Celestia answered.

Luna: Such a law is hardly enforceable at best, and shamefully cruel at worst.

Matt: Are we talking about pegasi rulers or Obamacare?  OH SNAP, YES I JUST WENT THERE!

Luna: *stares* Humans are so odd...

Rainbow Dash looked back down, her emotions being masked behind the unseen face.

Luna: Unseen face?  Was Rainbow veiled in some manner?

Matt: AHHHHH!  It's Slenderpony!

“So I have no right to decline it,”

“I’m afraid not,”

“This is bull-shit!” Rainbow Dash yelled,

Matt: She speaks for us all!

she stood on the bed, her wings flared, her horn glowing with magenta magic, and her face concerted in pure rage.

Luna: Is there a meaning for "concerted" that I am not familiar with?

Matt: No, I think he meant "contorted."  The author's just not familiar with the word.  Or, honestly, most words.

Everypony stepped back from the Alicorn, afraid that Rainbow Dash would attack them.

Luna: Why would they assume that?  Is she not an Element of Harmony and a hero of Equestria in this story?

Matt: The first casualty of badfic is logic, Luna.  The author will bend reality itself to fit his plot, no matter how poorly thought-out it may be.

“Please calm down Rainbow Dash, I know that you are mad, but you have to understand that this law was placed by the first King of the Pegasi,” Celestia said, the two mayors were hiding behind the Alicorn princess.

Matt: You know, I hate to harp on this again, but why doesn't Celestia just, you know, overrulethe king who she outranks?

“Calm down!?  You want me to fucking calm down!?” Rainbow Dash yelled, her mane was now crackling with electricity.

Luna: What significance does that word have in your world?

Matt: It's a naughty word for naughty ponies.  Cover your ears, Luna.

Luna: *blusters*  I—you—I am thousandsof years older than—

Matt: Shh, shh... *pats Luna on the shoulder* Hush and enjoy the pain.

Everypony stared at her in shock and fear.  Shock that the Rainbow Dash was swearing, something that was highly frowned upon,

Luna: Swearing?  That warrants nothing less than banishment!

Matt: Harsh, but fair.

and afraid that the Alicorn could do with her magic, since she never used it before.

Matt: If only there were, oh, I dunno, another highly powerful alicorn around who could protect everypony from such an outburst.

Luna: *giggles* This story, 'tis highly absurd.

But out of all of them, the ones most hurt by it were Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie.

Matt: Typecast much?

Fluttershy was silently crying behind Applejack, she could not believe that her first friend, would do say such hurtful things.

Luna: Does this word have such significance in your world as well?

Matt: Bluntly?  No.  You'd figure that if they know what the word is that they'd know it isn't quite the world-shattering invective it's portrayed as here.

Pinkie Pie was tearing up, and her poofy mane was flat, even she knew with all her universe bending powers, she could not cheer up her friend.

Matt: Yet another instance of merely taking a response or act directly from the show without trying to understand it's significance.

Luna: Pinkie would not react thus?

Matt: Not even close.  The last time that happened it was due to her abandonment issues, not just mere sadness.  Pinkie wouldn't fold like a cheap hotel bedsheet just because Dash was unhappy.

Rainbow Dash turned her attention to the two mayors behind Celestia.  “Now tell me, why are you two here!?”

Matt: "Nopony told us why!"

Luna: "We were told there would be cake!"

“W-well you s-see Q-Q-Queen Rainbow Dash, w-we w-w-w-were sent t-to c-convince y-y-you to rule in e-either L-L-Las Pegasus or C-C-Cloudsdale,” the mayor of Cloudsdale stuttered.

Luna: Clearly, this may only be solved by the two mayors engaging in a duel.

This made something in Rainbow Dash snap,

Matt: Which is quite a trick with no thumbs.

“So you were going to take me away from my friends!?  Well that is not going to happen!”

With that said, the rainbow Alicorn’s horn flashed a bright magenta, causing everpony in the room to shield their eyes.  When they removed their hooves, they saw that Rainbow Dash was gone.

Matt: Luna, how many years of study does it take to learn teleporting?

Luna: Almost a dozen, typically.  Twilight Sparkle was one of the veryfew exceptions to that rule.

Matt: Thought so.

“Wh-What happened?” Rarity asked, looking around nervously.

“She teleported, but that not possible, she doesn’t even know how to use magic!” Twilight exclaimed, trying her best to wrap her head around the fact that her friend teleported.

Luna: Well clearly it ispossible, Twilight, because it just happened.  Honestly, it is as if Celestia and I have taught you nothing...

“When a Unicorn or Alicorn gets enraged, they can do things they never thought they could do,” Celestia answered.

Matt: Really?  Where was that during the Changeling attack on Canterlot?

Luna: *winces* I believe ponies these days refer to that as a "burn."

“Where do you think Rainbow teleported to?” Applejack asked worried for her friend.

“I’m guessing that she’s around Ponyville; the magic she used was not powerful enough to send her far,” Celestia guessed.

Matt: Making Up Rules As We Go: The Movie

“Okay, let’s find her girl,” Twilight said, the others nodded and ran out of the library.

Luna: The others would have followed her instead of running out, but she only asked for one girl, after all.

~Sugercube Corner Entrance, Ponyville~

Matt: Needlessly specific...

A bright light appeared, then disappeared to reveal a panting Rainbow Dash.  Her horn was sparking and she was sweating.

Matt: Again, everypony caught up now?

          "That took too much out of me, but I can't let them find me, and fortunately, the only place they can't reach me is my house,” Rainbow Dash said to herself.

Luna: Wait, I am confused.  Who exactly is not capable of reaching her at her home?

Matt: Yeah, because obviously neither Celestianor the leaders of two pegasuscities would be able to flyor anythingGODTHISISSODUMB!!

She spread her wings and took to the air, but instantly regretted it when she felt pain in her body.

Luna: I am beginning to know how she feels...

“Ow, I guess magic does more than just leaving you exhausted,” she thought to herself.

Matt: Is she casting from hit points or something?  Is her mana pool low?  Does it damage her?

Luna: *summons a cherry tart and munches on it* Nope, I didn't lose any internal organs by utilizing magic.  I cannot say what she did wrong.

Rainbow Dash landed on her porch and went into her house, in hopes to rest,

Matt: Ooookay, guess it didn't really hurt that bad, then.

but she saw herself in the mirror, and instantly got angry.

Matt: "I told the mane stylist mediumbangs!"

Luna: "Hey!  That pony owes me money!"

Matt: *falls off the couch laughing* Oh, jeez, oh—that’s too good.  Oh man, I'm telling that one to Rainbow when she gets back...

“Stupid Alicorn blood, stupid laws, and stupid royalty,” Rainbow Dash fumed, walking away from the mirror.

Rainbow Dash was angrier than she has ever felt before.

Matt: A whole THREE stupid's worth of angry-ness.

How could the mayors, and Celestia herself, say that she couldn't turn it down.

Luna: I had heard the others speak of the elusive "ninja comma," is this a "ninja question mark?"

Matt: If we knew, it would already be too late.

She had every right to, but no, it was the law, and she had to follow it.

Matt: Does nopony understand how royalty works?

She stomped her hoof on a nearby table, causing a huge hole in it.

Luna: How does one "cause" a hole?

Matt: It's some high-level chaos theory stuff, Luna.  Better to not question it.

Why couldn't her parents say no to this when she was born, and how dare they keep it a secret.

Matt: They were hoping Nicholas Cage would make National Treasure 3about it?

Looking outside, she decided to do the most reckless thing she would ever do,

Luna: She wouldfinally attempt Pinkie Pie's "eat a bowl of sugar in 60 seconds" challenge.

she ran out of her house and took to the air, her eyes set on Cloudsdale, and her parents, tonight she would get answers.

Matt: "How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Tootsie Roll Tootsie pop?  HOW MANY?  TELL ME, DAMN YOU!"

~Golden Oaks Library Entrance, Ponyville~

Luna: Once again, everypony seems to be crammed into just the doorway.  That seems quite awkward and uncomfortable.

Everypony stared at each other, all of them with worried looks on their faces.

Matt: ALL of them heard the fart, and nopony was confessing...

“Did any of you find Rainbow Dash!?” Twilight exclaimed, getting a shake from all of them.

Luna: All of that shaking could give Twilight a concussion.

Matt: See?  I knewyou would get the hang of this!  You're a natural, Luna!

“I hope she isn’t hurt,” Fluttershy commented quietly.

“This is bad, if Queen Rainbow Dash doesn’t come back, the Pegasus Council will have our heads,” the mayor of Las Pegasus said, shaking in fear.

Matt: Does the council outrank the Queen, too?

Luna: You seem... fixated on this point...

Matt: NOT.  LETTING IT.  GO.

“So that is the most important thing for y’all, to save your own flank?” Applejack asked, glaring at the two mayors, who ended up backing up.

Matt: "No disassemble Johnny Five!"

“Applejack please calm down, yelling at them won’t help,” Twilight said, putting her hoof on the apple farmers back.

“Sorry Twi, I’m just worried about Rainbow Dash,”

“We all are darling, we all are,” Rarity said, a sad look in her eyes.

Matt: We're all just so darling, aren't we?

Luna: Commas areimportant.

“Ah hope Rainbow Dash isn’t going to do something that she will regret,”  Applejack said.

Luna: Spend her life's savings on Wonderbolt trading cards?

Matt: Appear in a Michael Bay film?

Luna: Attempt Pinkie Pie's "eat a bowl of sugar in 60 seconds" challenge?

“Don’t worry, she won’t do something like that,” Twilight reassured, she turned back to the group with a determined look on her face.

“Now let’s continue our search,”

~Dash Household, Cloudsdale~

Aurora Dash was staring at one of the pictures she held in her hooves; the picture was a filly Rainbow Dash on her 9th birthday; she was blowing out the candles while Spectrum Dash was seen singing “happy birthday”.

Matt: Uh oh, that song's under copyright.  Luna, how good are Equestria’s lawyers?

Luna: I can't say that we are accustomed to many copyright cases.

Aurora wiped a tear from her eye, seeing the pictures that were laid out on the floor reminded her that Rainbow Dash was no longer the Pegasus she loved, but now Alicorn royalty.

"Aurora, is something wrong?" Spectrum asked, appearing behind his wife.

Matt: Aww, see, he didn't read the script from last chapter like his wife did.

“No, I was just looking at some pictures of our little filly,” Aurora answered, trying her best to wipe her tears away, but this did not go unnoticed by Spectrum.

“Aurora, I know that you are upset, but we knew that this was coming (even though we wished it didn’t),” Spectrum said, whispering the last part to himself.

Luna: How does one speak in parentheses?

Matt: It's a lazy thing.  Narrative is a foreign word to this author.

“I just hope she decides to visit us before she leaves us forever,”

Luna: Since it would appear that visiting ponies is against the rules or something for royalty.

Spectrum just stared at his wife with a sad expression, but there time together would be cut short by a slamming on the door.

Matt: That's like knocking, or even pounding, but not.

“I’ll get it,” Spectrum walked to the door and opened it, his eyes widened and his mouth gaped open at the sight that befell him.  His daughter, Rainbow Dash, was at his door, as an Alicorn.

Matt: Okay, time out.  Stop the fic, Luna.

Luna: What seems to be the problem, Matt?

Matt: It's time to double down.  If I can call this next conversation, you have to give me the option of not doing any more of it.

Luna: Interesting idea.  Let me hear your hypothesis.

Matt: *clears his throat and counts off on his fingers* Okay then.  Rainbow is 1) gonna bitch and moan to her parents, who will 2) protest that they did the best they could, didn't have a choice in the matter, but she still can't refuse, 3) because of asinine rules and the good of ponykind or some shit like that- DESPITE the fact that the King/Queen literallydoes nothing.  And, 4) the whole thing will be resolved by a loophole that doesn't make any freaking sense.

Luna: ...  Well, let us see how your prognostication plays out.

“Rainbow, what are you doing here?” Spectrum asked, not even noticing his daughters enraged expression.

Luna: Powers of observation don't go far in this story.

“I’ll tell you why I’m here!  I’m here to find out why you didn’t tell King Wind Chaser that I shouldn’t be queen!” Rainbow Dash yelled,

Matt: *holds up one finger* That's one...

her tone just a few decibel short of the Royal Canterlot Voice, but it still had the same effect as Spectrum was forced back.

Luna: Writers seem to think that the Royal Voice comes naturally to alicorns.  I must say it does not.

Matt: Cadance never learned it?

Luna: Her attempts were quite humorous.

“Please Rainbow, you must understand, we tried our best to stop it, but he wouldn’t hear it,”

Matt: *grunts irritably and holds up fingers two and three*

Spectrum tried to reason with the Alicorn before him, but it was not working.

“Well you should have tried harder!”

Matt: What was the King gonna do, throw you in jail?  How many levels of bureaucracy would he have to go through first?

“Rainbow Marian Dash!  You shouldn’t yell at your father like that,”

Luna: "Marian?"

Matt: Because inserting random human names into ponyfic makes somuch sense.  Especially when they're misspelled.

Rainbow Dash recognized the voice, only one pony called her with her middle name, and it was her mother.

Luna: Every time there's the slightest bit of drama or suspense, the story comes along to defuse the tension for us.

She turned to her mother, who looked at her with stern eyes, ready to discipline the Alicorn.

Matt: "You aren't too big to put over my knee, missy!"

“Why shouldn’t I, it is because of you two that I can no longer live in Ponyville,

Matt: Says who?

I can’t join the Wonderbolts anymore!

Matt: Says who?

And most importantly I... I...,” Rainbow shouted, but when she was getting to the last part of her sentence, her posture broke with her shaking, and fighting back tears.

“I can’t see my friends and you anymore!”

Matt: SAYS WHO?!I swear to Harmony, this fic pulls more things out of its ass th— *jumps as he's cuffed in the back of the head by Luna* Ow!

Luna: Mind thy language around a Princess.

Rainbow Dash cried out, her tears now flowing out.  She ran to her mother and hugged her, crying into her shoulder.

Aurora hugged her sobbing daughter back, petting her mane.  “It’s okay Rainbow Dash; just let it all out,”

“I-(hic) - I can’t be a-(hic)-a queen, I don’t-(hic)-even know how to-(hic)-act like one,” Rainbow Dash continued to sob, her throat was starting to hurt, but she didn’t care, she just wanted to be in her mother's embrace.

Matt: I just can't buy this.  From what we've seen in the story, all a King or Queen everdoes is follow whatever stupid rules were in place before they got there.  She could do anythingin her spare time.  This seems like it should be the greatest thing everto happen to Rainbow Dash.

Spectrum walked up to the two and put his hoof on his daughters shoulder.

“Rainbow Dash, believe me, this is not what we wanted, your mother and I tried our best, but Wind Chaser made it clear that he wanted you to rule in his place, but at least you can choose where you want to live,” Spectrum said, trying to look at the positive side.

Matt: Aaaand there we have it, people: the un-foreshadowed and nonsense loophole to save the day.  Game, set, match.  Can I pleasequit this stupid story now, Luna?

Luna: I will admit, this story proceeds at a most predictable pace, and is not all that entertaining.

Matt: It's worse than just formulaic; it's boring.  There’s not a worse crime fora story than that.

Luna: Hmmm...  Very well, but don't think this is the end of your penance, human.  Let us await an ending point before we stop.

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened in realization at what her father said it was true; she could live where she wanted.  The mayors of Cloudsdale and Las Pegasus were only there to convince her to move to one of the two cities, but she remembered that Queen Surprise ruled from the city of Moose Jaw.

Luna: Where is that?

Matt: Canada.  Ponies live in freaking Canada.  That's it, I'm out.

Luna: I admit that I, too, have had enough of this.

Luna leaned back against the couch, nodding in a satisfied way.  "Well, Matt, I am glad I experienced that with you."

I snorted.  "You're kidding, right?  How could you possibly have enjoyed that?"

"Well, for one, I did enjoy our camaraderie.  It appears to me that we made an adequate pairing to combat such a story as this, even without the aid of our eponymous character, Rainbow Dash."

I grunted in agreement.  "Well, you're not wrong.  You seemed to catch on pretty quickly, Princess."

She grinned evilly at me.  "Besides, I now know what sort of story will be more effective to punish you with in the future."

"Awesome," I sighed.  "I get stories that are even more painful AND you got to practice your sarcasm.  My stay in Equestria just keeps getting better..."

Luna smirked.  "That is all for the future to decide, in any case.  I do believe that you had mentioned something about educationa bit earlier.  Might I ask just what it is that you propose to teach a Princess who is several millennia old?"

I gave her a wide, shit-eating grin of my own.  I ushered the Princess of the Night over to my computer desk, opened up my prized laptop, and navigated my web browser to display the TV Tropes web page for Luna's perusal.

She shifted eagerly in the seat.  "Oh?  What’s this?"

I just chuckled.  "You enjoy that, Luna.  You just enjoy that."

-fin-

[04] A Dash For Dash

"Dost thou have any threes?"

"Go fish."

Luna muttered darkly, reaching forward to the stack of cards in the middle of the table and drawing off the top.  Don't ask me how she was holding cards with hooves, because I can't help you out.

I yawned and stretched my limbs out, placing my cards down on the tabletop.  "Man, It’s a dark day when I’m thinking about wantinga story to riff."

"Now?" Luna questioned, lowering her own cards.  "Without your partner, Rainbow Dash?  Art thou feeling up to it?"

I laughed.  "Oh, Luna, your combination of the archaic and modern speech is hilarious.  And not really, just more like I’m itching for something to do.  It’s freaking boringaround here without Rainbow."  I looked out the window at the beautiful day outside.  "And ever since Rainbow Dash ended up stuck at her place with bits of her broken, I've been bored out of my mind."

The Princess of the Night threw out her lip in the most adorable pout ever.  "Awwww, but I am enjoying our card game!"

"I am, too, and I appreciate you keeping me occupied, but it’s not the same," I said, placating her.  "I’m used to a more athletic lifestyle, and I can alwaystalk Rainbow into a game of hoofball, or running, or something.  When I sit still this long, I just kinda get stir-crazy.  I need something more to focus on."

Thankfully, just at that moment somepony knocked at the front door.  I glanced over and stood up.  "Hang on just a sec, Luna."  I walked over and pulled the door open to see Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle on my porch.  "Oh, hey, guys!  What's up?"

Pinkie beamed in her customary way.  "Hiii!  How’s it goin’, human buddy?"

"Good morning, Matt," Twilight said, hiding a smile at Pinkie's enthusiasm behind her hoof.  "I was wondering if you have the part ready for me?"

I snapped my fingers as I recalled the part she was referring to.  "Oh yeah, it’s on my workbench.  Hang on a moment, I’ll grab it.  Come on in!"

My guests took the invitation.  Pinkie bounced in through the door, as she was wont to do, and Twilight closed the door behind them both before looking up to notice Luna sitting at my kitchen table.  "I—oh, hello, Princess!"

Luna nodded amicably.  "Good morning, Twilight Sparkle.  And to you as well, Pinkie Pie."

Pinkie glanced at the table and all the cards scattered across the surface between our chairs.  "Oooh, you and Luna were playing cards?  Without me?"  She instantly pulled a deck of cards out of hammerspace and started shuffling them between her hooves with a skill that was almost frightening.

I chuckled as I rummaged around my workbench.  "Sorry, Pinks, I learned my lesson at my party, you shark.  I hadn't even earned a bit to my name, and I think I'm already down about twenty-five hundred bucks after that night."  Finally finding what I was looking for, I drew out a small mechanical part, which looked for all the world like a circuit board.  From what I had seen from working on it, it even worked almost exactly like one, too, except that it wasn't meant to handle electrical current, but magical.

Luna perked up, standing up in an attempt to see what I had in my hand.  "What is that for?"

"Oh, it's something to do with thaumic whatsits.  Twilight asked me to make a few modifications to it.  It’s a lot easier for me, given that I’ve got anatural advantage," I explained, holding up a hand and waggling my fingers.

Pinkie scoffled breezily.  "Pfffft, I can do that."

She took in a huge breath of air and lifted a forehoof, but I moved quicker than I ever had in my life, slapping my hand over her mouth.  "No.  No," I said seriously, using my most serious face.  "I don’t everwant to see that again.  It was horrific before, and it’s even worsein person."

Twilight rolled her eyes at us, tucking the part safely away in her saddlebag.  "I’m doing tests on magical resonance and thaumic induction fields," she told Luna.  "I’m testing ways to make magical storage conductors more efficient."

"And it turns out that all that magitech stuff works very similarly to our electronic circuits back home, and I studied those in college," I chimed in.  "So, it actually wasn't very hard for me to work on."

"And dare I inquire why Pinkie is here as well?" Luna asked with a knowing smirk.

Pinkie shrugged.  "Twilight looked like she needed a walking buddy!"

I had come to know and fear well the expression that I suddenly noticed on Luna's face.  "Well, perhaps your request has been granted after all, Matt," she said slyly.

"Wait, what?  Oh no, no you don’t, don't you even—"

Ignoring me with an evil smile, Luna vanished in a flash of teleportation magic, leaving me blinking against the sudden flare of light.  "Damn that alicorn..." I muttered darkly.

Twilight threw me a concerned look.  "Dare I ask?"

I groaned.  "She’s gonna lock us in and force us to riff something."

"Um, she knows I can teleport, too, right?" Twilight asked, somewhere between amused and concerned.

"And that I’m, well, me?" Pinkie added.

I mock-glared at them both.  "Oh, I really hope she thought of that.  This would be a bit of comeuppance, considering that you two are the reason I’m stuck here in the first place."

Twilight shook her head adamantly.  "Not me, that was a versionof me from an alternate dimension of Ponyville."

I snorted.  "Don't you throw your semantics at me, sister.  Dimensional travel is discovered in all dimensions concurrently by definition, ergo, you helped.  And I know Pinkie is to blame.  Somehow."

The vibrant mare just shrugged.  "I’d deny it, but meh.  We needed a riffer, and you were one of the ones recommended!Maybe you’ll meet your friends who set you up someday, you can ask themwhy."

"Well, I need you now," I countered.  "Rainbow's not here to be my wingmare, and Luna’s gonna turn on that light on the wall any second and start the pain.  So, feel like sitting in on a riff with me?"

Pinkie immediately bounced off towards the kitchen.  "Sounds awesome!  I’ll get the popcorn!"

"...but I don’t even haveany—forget it.  Twi?  We could use your powers of sarcasm and literary analysis."

Twilight shrugged and started taking off her saddlebags.  "Sure, why not.  I’ve studied this riffing phenomenon before, so now’s a great time to get my hooves dirty myself, as it were."

The hated light began flashing gold, and Pinkie and Twilight rushed for seats on the couch as I vaulted over the back of the couch to land between the mares.

"WE GOT STORY SIGN!"

A Dash for Dash!, by Delicious Libido

Rainbow Dash, the most beautiful pony I’ve ever seen.

Twilight: Ever seen... flying?

Pinkie: Skiing?

Matt: Snorkling?  Come on, man, give us something here.

Ever since the first time I saw her in flight school, I’ve been enticed by her Beauty.

Matt: She has the dog from The Hills Have Eyes?  Doesn’t seem very enticing to me.

I could never seem to get my mind off of her,

Pinkie: Well, covering the walls of your room with creepy pictures of her probably isn’t helping with that.

I’ve tried liking other ponies, but that just doesn’t seem to work.

Twilight: “Couldn’t you just, like, try notliking Rainbow Dash?”

Matt: They’re gonna send him to some sort of camp, aren’t they?

I’ve never seen any pony as skilled as her. I made it my mission to make her mine.

Matt: *holds up a violently beeping box* Wow!  It only took one paragraph for the creep-o-meter to peg out!

Pinkie: Where did youget that from?

Matt: Rule of Funny.

Pinkie: Oh, you’re gonna start stealing mytricks now?

Sure she can be a little rough around the edges sometimes, and she can be obtuse. But in the end, I know she’s the pony for me.

Twilight: Why are so many OC characters stalkers?  This is a disturbing trend.

Matt: I blame the fact that the most meaningful relationship most fanfic writers have had is with their hand.

Twilight: Ewwwww—Matt, why?

Oh, I never properly introduced myself. My apologies, they call me Aero.

Pinkie: Aww, you can’t get them to stop?

Matt: *snort*

I’m a light brown Pegasus pony. I have dark brown hair, and I have a calculator for cutie mark.

Twilight: And... what’s a calculator?

Matt: Twi, you know what a calculator is.

Twilight: That’s true, but I was making a point.  It’s a pretty strange thing to have as a cutie mark, considering most of Equestria still uses the abacus.

I’ve dedicated a good portion of my life studying math in order to try and build more efficient means of weather control for the other Pegasus.

Pinkie: The bad portion of my life I devoted to stalking mares.

Matt: I have to say, though, so far this is the best-developed OC I’ve riffed.  He’s got a fairly logical name, talent, cutie mark—sorta—and even a mental disorder or two.

Twilight: Truly a character for the ages.

I stayed in cloudsdale to do so, while most of the other ponies left.

Matt: Ah, capitalization, our old nemesis.  This is the hazard of blindly following your Word spellcheck, like complaining about your car being in the lake because your GPS told you to turn left in the middle of a bridge.

I always hoped that I would see Rainbow Dash again, and one day I got an unexpected opportunity.

Pinkie: And by “unexpected,” I mean I was hiding in the bushes outside her house with a camera.

Twilight: Bushes?  On a cloud?

Pinkie: It’s how you haveto do these things.  He probably brought one with him to hide in.

I was relaxing on my day off of work when I hear a commotion going on in the distance.

Matt: It’s Black Bart, he’s come back to town!  Call the sheriff!

As I look to see what it is, I see a particularly angry griffon,

Twilight: So... the griffon wasn’t the source of the commotion then?

one that I’m not truly fond of, Gilda.

Matt: Because no other griffons exist.  Ever.

Pinkie: She really is easy to hate, isn’t she?

Matt: She’s a walking strawman, which sorta drives me nuts.

Gilda is one of the meanest griffons I know, well I only know few griffons, but she is definitely the meanest. But she’s always getting other ponies fired up; it’s quite odd to see it the other way around. I decided to go investigate; maybe I could get a good laugh out of her anger.

Twilight: How noble of you.

I flew over to her and said, “Well, well, well if it isn’t the infamous Gilda.”

Matt: Infamous.  You really shouldn’t have circulated all those posters of her, Pinkie.

Pinkie: Hey, she made Fluttershy cry.  She’s lucky everypony let her live!

Matt: …I see that I’m not the first human you’ve met, then.

“Beat it dweeb,” she snapped, “I’m not in the mood!”

Matt: PMS is a bitch.

Twilight: To be fair, so is Gilda.

Matt: Touché.

“Whoa there griffon, what’s got your feathers in a bunch?” I replied

“I said beat it, now!” she replied angrily.

“I guess you don’t want any more help with your techniques. It’s a shame; I used to love seeing you perform my blueprints for great aerial techniques.” I scoffed.

Pinkie: Dude, this pony is something else.  I don’t like Gilda, but tormenting her for your own amusement is pretty low.

She growled, “Fine! It’s seems that Rainbow Dash has turned into a major Flip flop.

Matt: Rainbow Dash is a major fashion statement.

Pinkie: Rainbow Dash always wears in style!

Twilight: But ponies can’t wear her, because none of us have toes.

That pony Pinkie pie made her so lame!

Pinkie: Ah, it’s tough being the ex.

Matt: She took the break up hard, poor thing.

She used to be so cool, but now she’s just a dweeb like you.”

Twilight: She just calls him a dweeb for no reason?

Matt: Well, to be fair, he doeshave a calculator for a cutie mark.

Twilight: And what’s that supposed to mean?!

Matt: *pats Twilight on the shoulder* Shhhh...  Hush and enjoy the pain.

“So you met her recently?” I asked.

“Yea, I regret it.” She replied.

“Where is she now?” I asked

“Why do you care?” she replied with suspicion.

Matt: Asked, replied, asked, replied.  Somepony get this guy a thesaurus.  Even bad synonyms are entertaining to read.

I got closer to her and yelled, “Because I do! Now tell me, Where is she!?!”

Pinkie: I’m sorry, did Batpony just enter the fic?

Matt: That, or Jack Bauer has made the crossover between dimensions!

She pushed me away, “calm yourself, she’s in that lame town called ponyville.”

Twilight: The writer seems to be having problems with his keyboard.  Every so often his shift key breaks.

Matt: I think I already riffed the story that took all the capital letters this guy lost...

I backed a little and said, “Thank you.”

Pinkie: “And Gilda ripped my face off and ate it.”

Matt: Seriously, it’s one thing when you’re surrounded by ponies, but one on one?  I’d bet Gilda could do some seriously horrific things to this guy.

And I flew off. I knew exactly where ponyville is,

Matt: *whispers in Twilight and Pinkie’s ears*

Twilight: What, seriously?  Why?

Matt: It’s sort of a thing here.

Twilight: *shrug*

All: HOW DID I USING TENSE?!

I’ve cleared some of the clouds there before.

I didn’t know how I’d find her when I got there, but I had to take the chance.

Pinkie: Ah yes, the bustling metropolis that is Ponyville.

Matt: How could anypony possibly know how to find one of the six most famous ponies in the world in a small community like that?

Twilight: I’m just glad nopony’s tried to set up tours of our homes yet.

I flew as fast I could; I was always a pretty fast flyer.

Matt: Race coming?

Twilight: Race coming.

I was nothing special, just slightly above the class average. As I raced towards ponyville, I started to get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Matt: Incontinence can strike without warning.  Ask your doctor about Zalfar.

I was nervous, I haven’t been nervous about something since the last time I saw her.

Twilight: It’s better than “I haven’t been nervous since the last time I was,” but it’s still a pretty close second.

As I got closer, the feeling got more intense.

Matt: I’ll cry laughing if he throws up on Rainbow.

Pinkie: You remember the first time youmet her, right?

Matt: Of course!  Yeah, I was nervous and a bit awestruck, but I wasn’t an emotional wreck.

Twilight: But you weren’t stalking her, either.

Matt: Yeah, thanks to the show, I had an actualexcuse for knowing so much about her.

And before I knew it, I was there. As I landed, I heard a loud gasp. A pink pony started running towards my directions. She had a very curly mane and tail, and she seemed very excited.

Matt: Blind story insert!  If we were drinking, we’d be emptying our glasses on that one.

Pinkie: *produces a large mug of cider from nowhere and promptly drains it down*

Matt: *blinks* Please teach me how to do that.

When she finally got to me she took a deep breath and began ramble on,

Twilight: >begin rambleon.exe /a

Matt: How the hell did you just pronounce that?

Twilight: It’s a talent.

“You must be new here, because I don’t know you, and I know every pony in ponyville, and since I don’t know you that must mean you’re new! Ooh tell me, tell me, tell me what’s your name?”

“Uh, well, uh my name’s Aero.” I replied, “What’s your name?”

“My name’s Pinkie Pie,” she answered, “Well actually my name is Pinkamena Dianne Pie, but all my friends call me Pinkie Pie, and since you’re my new friend, you can call me Pinkie too!” she gave a great big smile.

Matt: It’s a step above a single run-on sentence, but only just.  Also, thank you somuch for not greeting melike that, Pinkie.

Pinkie: No problem.  You looked a bit dimension-sick when I found you anyway.  Not a great time for surprises.

“Well,” I said “it’s nice to meet you. Can you tell me where I can find…”

Matt: “A newt?”

Twilight: “A wrench?”

Pinkie: “A rational character motivation?”

She cut me off before I could finish my statement, “I’m going to through you the most super-duper looper party you’ve ever seen and I’m gonna invite every pony. I don’t have much time, I gotta get started!”

Twilight: How doyou afford all the parties, Pinkie?

Pinkie: I could tell ya, but then I’d have to kill ya!

Matt and Twilight: o_o

Pinkie: *giggles*

And before I knew it, she was gone. Well, if she was going to invite everypony, then I won’t have to worry about finding rainbow dash.

Matt: Did—did he just use logic?

Twilight: It was super effective!

Matt: You have Pokemon?

Twilight: I like strategy games.

I just needed to find a way to occupy my time until then.

Pinkie: “99 buckets of oats on the wall!”

I decided to go look around town for a little bit. My exploration of ponyville proved that it has a wide variety of different types of stores and ponies.

Twilight: One could almost confuse it for a town or something.

Matt: Actually, I havebeen to places on Earth that only have one type of store.  It’s boring as hell, unless you’re REALLY into antiques.

While looking around, I accidentally bumped into somepony spilling all of her apples she was carrying.

Matt: He has the most aggressive “looking around” I’ve ever seen.

Pinkie: “Out of my way, freshman!”

She was an orange pony with a blonde mane and tail; she was also wearing a hat.

Matt: Yes, describe the character we’re all plainly familiar with!

Twilight: Better than some stock descriptions, though.

Pinkie: At least it isn’t an entire paragraph unto itself.

“Oh geez, I’m so sorry. Here, let me help you pick theses apples up”

She got up and smiled at me, “oh it’s ok partner, mighty thanks for yer help. And next time, just try to watch where yer going, ok?

Twilight: Missing quote marks, capitals absent, commas wherever—was this edited with a hedge trimmer?

I laughed a little, “can do.”

Pinkie: “Maybe.  As long as you’re not between me and my obsessi—I mean, crush.”

After we finished picking up the Apples

Matt: Macbooks.  Macbooks everywhere.

Twilight: Either that, or he ran over a lotof her family members.

I said to her “I’m sorry again for running into you like that. My name is Aero, and I hope we can still be friends.”

“Of course we can sugar cube!” she exclaimed “My name Is Applejack, pleased to make your acquaintance. If you ever need anything, just come on over to sweet apple acres, I’ll be glad to help ya.”

Twilight: Proper nouns just don’t get the respect they deserve anymore.

Pinkie: Even punctuation has been hit by the financial crisis.

Matt: Whatfinancial crisis?

Pinkie: The Earth one.  It’s just funny to say.

“Actually,” I said “Do you know of a pony named Rainbow Dash?”

“Do I?” she said “why, she’s one of my best friends. Whatcha need with her?”

Matt: That’s a loaded question.

“I need to find her and talk to her.” I said, “Do you know where I can find her?”

Pinkie: “Well, she’s a bit hard to find since some pegasus she went to flight school with was caught on her porch with a bottle of chloroform...”

She giggled a little “well shucks, that pony is always on the move, looking for her is like looking for a needle in a hay stack. Don’t worry though, Pinkie Pie always throws parties for new ponies in town, and everypony will be there. I’m sure you can find her there.”

Matt: Is Applejack prescient or something?

Twilight: Maybe she just has a good sense of pattern recognition.

Pinkie: Yeah, it’s not like me throwing new ponies a party is an uncommon occurrence or anything.

She started walking “I gotta go now, lotta work to be done down on the farm. Like I said, if ya ever need anything just come by I’ll be there.”

Matt: “Chained to an apple tree, where most fanfic writers leave me.”

Pinkie: *whips out a sign emblazoned with “#FreeApplejack2014” and holds it up*

I shouted out to her “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind! It was nice meeting you!” and then I went off into the other direction. I was glad to have just made a friend, somepony I knew I could count on if I ever needed it.

Twilight: Well that’sa bit of a stretch.  You only just met her, after all.

Matt: Then again, he’s not entirely stable.

I had a few hours to kill, considering that pinkie is preparing my party. She’s quite a weird one.

Matt: Anyway, let’s continue the parade of main characters, shall we?

Twilight: The Cutie Mark Crusaders had an easier time finding Rainbow Dash than this stallion is having.

As I was in my trance like state, my thoughts were interrupted by a purple unicorn. “Why hello new pony, Pinkie told me I could find you somewhere around here. My name is Twilight Sparkle, what’s your name?”

Pinkie: “Ah, she’s in my head!  Get out!”

Matt: He went into a trance and saw Twilight, Princess of Zen.

“My name is Aero, it’s nice to meet you” I replied.

“Well,” she said “I was sent to occupy you and escort you to the party when Pinkie is done the preparations.

Twilight: I think my time is a bitmore valuable than that, thank you very much!

It seems like you’ve already given yourself the grand tour of ponyville, let’s head back to my house.”

Matt: “Well this is sudden, but okay!”

*Pinkie and Twilight cuff Matt on the back of the head*

She started walking, and I followed closely behind her.

Matt: Bow chicka bo—

*Pinkie and Twilight rare back again as Matt ducks and covers his head*

Matt: No hit!  Jeez, I want to riff with a stallion.  Mares are painful...

She brought me to a library made out of a tree.

Twilight: It’s a tree made intoa library.  Subtle but important distinction.  A tree is MUCH harder to make.

When we entered, I saw an extremely wide array of books. Anything I could be possibly searching for would be here, granted of course that you could find it amongst all the books.

Matt: The sum total of all Equestrian knowledge in Twilight’s house?

Pinkie: Yeah, turns out you can reallycram all those books in on those four shelves or so.

“Welcome to my home!” she exclaimed.

“It’s… big!” I said.

Matt: It’s bigger on the inside?

Pinkie: They all say that...

“How many books do you have here?”

“Thousands!”  She replied,

Twilight: “They’re all just very, verysmall, which is why they don’t take up all the available floor space!”

“I love reading them, and studying up as much as possible. While we are here, tell me about yourself. What brings you to ponyville?”

Matt: “Me?  Oh, I plan to kidnap and marry Rainbow Dash.  Do you know where I can find her?”

When she asked me that question, it seemed to echo within my mind.

Pinkie: With all that empty space in there, no wonder.

Matt: Ooh, burn, dude.

Why was I here?

Twilight: Like, the “birds and bees” kind of why, or just a deeper, more philosophical kind of why?

Pinkie: Why are any of us here, really?

Matt: Why am Ihere riffing this story?

Why did I choose to get up and just leave?

Pinkie: The plot demanded it?

Even if I find her here, will she want to give me a chance? All these questions filled my head, but they evaporated into an abyss as a greater thought entered my mind.

Matt: “I just sat in something wet!”

“A chance.” I said. She looked at me in confusion, so I began to explain. “I need a chance, with Rainbow Dash. Ever since the first time I saw her, I’ve been drawn to her like a magnet.

Twilight: “That’s why it’s taken me ten-plus years to do anything about it.”

She’s everything I’ve ever wanted, her beauty intimidated me.

Matt: He isstalking her!  Nobody thinks about attractiveness at flight school age, so this must be pretty recent stuff.

I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to spend time with her, I wanted to kiss her, but I was so fearful of what she would say that I never even tried.

Twilight: She would say, “Jeez, maybe ask first before trying to kiss me?  Creep.”

I need this chance to redeem myself,

Matt: What redeem?  What did he do before?

I made it my goal. After years of waiting, after many nights wondering, I will make her mine. I can do this, I just need the chance.”

Her eyes grew wide and she said,

Pinkie: “I’m calling the cops!”

Twilight: “That’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard!”

Matt: “I’m pony Chris Hanson, why don’t you take a seat over there?”

“Well isn’t that cute. Don’t worry; I’ll give you as much help as possible.

Twilight: Or, you know, that.

Rainbow Dash may take a little bit of convincing, but I’m sure you can do it. You seem like you have enough determination to do it!”

Pinkie: Logic and reason are no match for the power of wishful thinking!

For the next few hours we talked, played a few board games with Spike,

Matt: Spike made the worst Monopoly piece ever.  He covered, like, half the board.

and as the dusk started to come, we prepared for the party. As we were about to leave for the party, we heard a knock at the door. Twilight went to go answer the door and on the other side was a white unicorn with a purple mane and tail.

Pinkie: I was justabout to ask what the author had against Rarity and Fluttershy to leave them out of the Mane6 parade.

She was carrying a black suit.

Matt: This is what we’re gonna bury you in after Dash kills you!

“It’s good to see you twilight.” She said as she walking into the room.

“You too Rarity!” she replied “what’s the suit for?”

Pinkie: “And why is there a bullseye painted on the back?”

“Well Pinkie told me that there was a new Pegasus pony in town and she was throwing a party for him. She told me I could find him with you, so I decided to make him a little ‘welcome to ponyville’ present for him.”

Twilight: Um, what?

She turned to me “It would look much better if I had your exact measurements darling, but I simply did not have enough time. I hope you enjoy it.”

She handed me the suit, “it looks fantastic, I’ll go upstairs and try it on!” I started to walk up the stairs.

Matt: Because he’s ashamed about... dressing... in front of them?

Pinkie: And why is he going to be the only pony at the party who’s dressed?

“Ok darling,” called Rarity, “take your time, just remember we have a party to go to so hurry up!”

Well that’s a contradiction, but hey I got a free suit so I can’t complain. I went to twilight’s room and began to change.

Twilight: Hopefully into somepony who isn’t a creeper!  Get out of my bedroom!

When I was finished changing I noticed that twilight had a picture on her dresser. It was a picture of all her friends, but what really caught my eye was Rainbow Dash.

Matt: “Hmm... I’ll have to eliminate her and these others so they can’t have Dash.”

She still looked as beautiful as I remember.

Twilight: From when you were eight?!

“It begins.” I said to myself.  I proceeded to walk downstairs.

Matt: He tripped and fell, breaking his neck.  The end.

“You look fabulous sweetheart!” she yelled to me.

Pinkie: Who has Rarity ever called “sweetheart”?

Matt: It’s because Aero exudes a pheremone.  It’s called “I’m the writer’s self-insert, so everything goes right for me.”

Twilight: *snorts derisively*  I guess we should be thankful that he isn’t actually going to get to do anything too perverse with Dash in this fic.

Matt: Yeah, I’d prefer to not see that.  I’m a male, not a letch.

Pinkie: Let's all give thanks to the "Teen" rating.  Amen.

“Thank you.” I replied, “Well, I suppose we should leave. Don’t want to be late for the party now do we?”

Pinkie: It’s his party; late is relative.

“Well, let’s get moving then.” Said twilight, “The party is being held at Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s bakery, so it won’t take anytime at all to get there.”

We started to walk to the bakery. As we we’re walking there, I explained my situation to Rarity.

Matt: Past tense, future perfect, present active—throw ‘em all in!

“Well rainbow dash is not the most elegant pony I’ve ever seen,” she said.

Twilight: What, he couldn’t even bother to capitalize her first name anymore?

Matt: The badfic writer has no time for editing!

Twilight: If we weren’t being forced to read this...

Matt: I know, you get used to it.

Twilight gave her a face of disappointment. “But um, well, she can be a very good friend. And you two would make a cute couple.”

Pinkie: “I know this despite the fact that literallythe only thing I know about you is that you’ve got a stalker-crush on Rainbow Dash.”

Matt: Apparently that’s “cute” in this world instead of “jail-worthy.”

Almost as soon as we had left, we were there. Twilight was joking about it not taking any time at all.

Matt: You can almost seethe smoke pouring out of the author’s ears at the idea of having to come up with more ways to kill time with nothing happening.

As we walked in, I saw all the ponies of Ponyville.

Matt: In one room.

Twilight: They were stacked five deep.

Pinkie: Most of the ponies on the bottom were dead or injured, but nopony could get to them.

Matt: It was pure chaos.  Nopony could move, so nopony could get free.

Twilight: In less than a week, the combination of starvation and disease from the rotting carcasses below had taken its toll.

Pinkie: Ponyville was a ghost town, left to the ravages of time.

Matt: And without the Elements of Harmony, Discord succeeds in his coup of Equestria, and death and chaos spread across the land.  Again.

Twilight: All because Pinkie couldn’t stop inviting ponies to a party!

Matt: Equestria is GONE, Pinkie!

Pinkie: *cries huge overwrought tears* I’m sorry!  I’ll fix the world, I promise!

Matt: There, there.

Pinkie Pie had truly invited everypony here.

Matt: That was implied by them all being there, yes.

Pinkie: Maybe some were gate crashers.

There was confetti everywhere, tons of balloons, and more sweets and pastries than a pony with a sweet tooth could dream for.

Matt: Again, howdo you pay for all—

Pinkie: You reallygonna ask me that?

Matt: *sinks down* I’ll be good...

Pinkie Pie burst out of the crowed

All: COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!

and yelled “hey everypony, this is the new pony in town I was telling you all about!”

Matt: “Oh yeah, the guy who we know nothing about other than he’s new!”

Suddenly the attention in the room shifted towards me. I began to greet everypony in the room and make small talk with them, glancing around for any sign of Rainbow Dash. One by one, I met everypony in town but there was still no sign of her. I was ready to give up, when I heard the door fly open.

Pinkie: The pizzas arrived!

She walked in, looking very seraphic. She was the epitome of beauty and precision.

Twilight: Woah... two vocabulary words in a row!

Matt: Let’s give this guy a hand for discovering thesaurus.com!

She was Rainbow Dash. She was my love. This was it. This was my chance.

Pinkie: “Hey, does this rag smell like ether to you?”

“Sorry I’m late everypony,” she said entering the room “I was practicing a new trick and I kinda lost track of time.

Matt: Convenient excuse is... generic?  Dammit, that almost worked.

So who’s the new pony in town?’

“It’s me Rainbow.” I said to her

.

Twilight: Hello, random period.  Glad you could make it to the story.

She turned around and exclaimed. “Aero? It’s been so long! How have you been? What brings you to ponyville?”

Pinkie: She can recognize somepony she hasn’t seen since she was about eight years old?

Matt: That’s fanfiction for ya.

I took a deep breath and said “Well I came to see you, and I’m great now that I’ve finally found you.”

She blushed a little “you came all the way from cloudsdale just to see me?”

Matt: Blushing like a schoolfilly.  What a load of horseapples.

Pinkie: Heh.  Jealous much?

Matt: What—I, no!  Of course not!

Twilight: *grinning* Uh huh...

Matt: I like Rainbow justthe way she is, thank you!

“It's a little more than that.” I replied.

Twilight: Rainbow slowly reaches into her saddlebag for her mace...

“When we were in flight school I thought you were the most beautiful pony I had ever seen. You were the best at flying, you did it so gracefully. You were so confident, and you had reason to be.

Matt: “Your unruly mane and tomcoltish attitude, the way you crashed all the time, the way you constantly felt the need to prove yourself to bullies to—wait a second...  Did I hit my head or something?”

Ever since the first time I met you, I’ve wanted to ask you out.

Pinkie: Again, because young foals know what that is.

I tried to must up the courage, but I never could in time. I’ve waited all this time, for this moment. There’s no backing out now. Rainbow Dash, would you like to go on a date with me?” before I could even hear her answer, I felt a sensation of relief.

All: EWWWWWWW!

I was glad to have that off of my chest.

Matt: Yeah, now it was all over Rainbow’s hooves!

Her face began to blush bright crimson red. “That’s very nice of you to say Aero, I…”

Twilight: “Who are you, again?  I don’t remember you from flight school at all.”

But her sentence was cut short but the door flying open again.

Pinkie: Finally, the pizzas!

This time, we were graced with a face that I none of us were too fond of.

Twilight: “I none of us.”  *shakes her head*

It appears Gilda paid us a visit.

Matt: Tense, man, tense!  GET IT FREAKING STRAIGHT.

Pinkie: What, did she TP the place and leave?

“I thought I’d find you here dweeb, trying to brown nose rainbow dash huh?”

Pinkie: Sheesh, nowwho’s got the stalker-crush on Rainbow?

Matt: Dueling stalkers!

“Gilda!?!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash “what are you doing here? I thought ponyville was too ‘lame’ for you”

Matt: “I mean, I broke up with you hoursago!”

“I’m not here for you Flip Flop,” she snarled,

Twilight: Your trendy fashion is for hipsters and beach bums!

“I’m here for him” and she pointed towards me.

Matt: This is gonna be the most hateful threesome in history.

“I need to start practicing if I want to be called the best flyer in Equestria and knock you outta the sky. And I need him to help me do, so come on dweeb!”

Twilight: What.

Pinkie: What.

Matt: ...da fuq?

I stood up as tall as I could and yelled “No!”

Matt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Pinkie: Search your feelings, colt, you know it to be true!

She looked surprised. “What did you just say to me?”

Twilight: Do ponies often respond to this sort of approach from her?

Matt: Maybe Gilda runs a BDSM club in her spare time and she’s just used to it by now.

With confidence in my voice I replied “I said no! You don’t own me;

Pinkie: “Nopony owns me, and believe me, I’ve triedto sell myself to them!”

you don’t get to tell what to do and when to do it.”

Twilight: “Only how, who, and occasionally why!”

“Please,” she scoffed “I’m stronger than you, faster than you, and better than you. You’d be nothing without me!”

Matt: Wow.  The hate-sex must be magical.

“Prove it.” I said.

Looking surprised again she replied. “Challenge accepted.

Matt: Meme drink!

Twilight: We’re still not drinking, though.

Pinkie: *produces another mug of cider and chugs it down*

Matt: I hate you so much right now.

Follow me” and she began walking outside. I followed right behind her. She pointed to a cloud towards the center of the town. “First one to that cloud and back wins. That’ll prove who the best is.”

Matt: Gilda, playing the part of the 50s greaser in this fic.

Pinkie: And Rainbow as the blond, vapid schoolgirl they’re fighting over.

Twilight: Is this really what’s going to pass as the conflict in this story?

Matt: What, you expected something more?

Twilight: Yes!

I smiled to her “deal”. I was insanely nervous though. I was hoping that by some miracle I would beat Gilda and impress Rainbow Dash. Stranger things have happened I suppose, I needed to give it a shot.

Spike came between us

Matt: I—

Twilight: Don’t you evenmake that remark.

Matt: …I wasn’t going to make a sex joke, honest!

Twilight: Commenting on how you won’t say it still counts!

Matt: Dammit.

and started to shout “Racers take your marks,” we spread our wings. “Get set,” we got into position. This is it, the second before the start is always the longest. I could feel the all the thoughts racing through my mind. A bead of sweat started to drip down my face. And then it came. “Go!” And we went.

Pinkie: Ha!  Oh, the bad pun doesn’t make up for the storytelling, but that's pretty funny.

Matt: Unintentionally, of course.

Pinkie: That's the best kind.

Gilda was slightly ahead of me. I could try to go a fast,

Matt: It’s like Mario and Sonic had a baby.  “Gotta go-a fast!”

but I would burn too much energy.

Twilight: Ponyville’s not thatlarge.  This is a sprint, not a freaking distance race.

I’d have to wait until the last stretch of the race to give it my all.

Pinkie: Seriously, it’s like, a tenth of a mile at best from Sugarcube Corner to the center of town.

Gilda hit the cloud first, then so did I.

Matt: Well that wouldstand to reason, seeing as how she’s in front.

As I turned around I started to flap my wings as hard as I could.

Matt: The equivalent of a football announcer yelling “He’s running really fast and a guy knocks him down!”

Gilda seemed a bit surprised to see her and I tied for first.

Twilight: Ah, but you were also tied for last, smart guy.

Pinkie: Buuuuurn.

She and I were neck and neck; we were rapidly getting close to the finish line. And then we crossed. I had lost. Gilda had won, she beat me. I hung my head in shame.

Matt: As you should.

“I told you dweeb,” Gilda said panting “I’m the best. Now come on we’re leaving”

Pinkie: So, what, now Gilda owns him?

Matt: Were they racing for pink slips or something?

“No!” someone from the crowd shouted. “He’s not going anywhere.”

Pinkie: “I still have the lease on him until October!”

Out from the crowd walked Rainbow Dash. “It doesn’t matter if he won or loss, he’s still a better friend than you! He staying here in ponyville, you can’t make him leave.”

Twilight: Well, apparently Aero just gave Gilda the title to himself, so I guess she can.

“Keep him then!” yelled Gilda Angrily

Matt: I always wondered if Gilda had a last name.

Pinkie: It suits her, weirdly enough.

“I don’t need him. I’ve proven I’m the best, he’s old news.”

Twilight: Sour grapes much?

She turned to me “you should have come with me dweeb, I could have made you famous.”

Matt: Ponies would have paid good money to see the world’s most whipped stallion.

Pinkie: Her dreams of the sideshow lifestyle were over before they began.

She glanced at Rainbow Dash one last time, before flying away.

I turned away from the group in shame. I didn’t win; I couldn’t even properly impress the girl of my dreams. Rainbow Dash came over to me.

Matt: Walked, strolled, strode, galloped, paced, moved, fluttered, flew, bounced, trotted—ALL of these are words that would have worked in these places, but he keeps going with “came.”

Twilight: And "came" is just wrong, technically.  It's just so... passive.

“What’s the matter?” she said “I just stood up to Gilda for you, so why are you so gloom?”

Twilight: If you didn’t want him to be Gloom, you should have pressed ‘B’ when he started evolving!

Matt: Another Pokemon reference.  I’m impressed, Twi.

“I lost.” I replied “I wanted to win to try and Impress you. I failed you, I’m sorry.”

Twilight: There couldn’t possiblybe another way to win a mare!  I’ll just go home now.

She laughed, put her hoof on my face, raised it up, and kissed me. I was surprised,

Matt: Yeah, we are, too.

I wasn’t expecting this. I could feel her tongue in my mouth messaging mine.

Pinkie: Her tongue was all, like, “Hay dood.  A/S/L?”

My reaction was to message her tongue back.

Matt: My tongue was all, like, “do U want 2 cybr?”

She pulled away a little and said

Pinkie: “Kthxbai.”

“I like a guy with confidence. You don’t need to impress me; you just need to be confident.”

Matt: Well, if it were just thateasy...

Twilight: *grins sideways at Matt*

And she began to kiss me again, this time more aggressively. I could feel this warm feeling in my heart.

Twilight: That’s called an arrhythmia.

Pinkie: He died and everypony went back to their lives, just remembering that one time that Rainbow was kind enough to make a dying pony happy with a kiss.

Matt: Not evencreepy at all.  Nope.

I knew she was that special pony for me.

Pinkie: Because that’ssomething new.  He’s apparently known that since before he knew there was a difference between colts and fillies.

She pulled away again and said, “come on, there’s a lot of party left for everypony to enjoy. Do you have a place to stay?”

I replied “actually I don’t”

“Well you do know,” she exclaimed “you’re staying at my place. Hope you don’t mind, I’m a bit forward.”

Matt: *grumpily* No shit, you are.

Pinkie: Um... I’m sensing something here.

Twilight: Pinkie Sense?

Pinkie: Nope, just good ol’ intuition.  Anything to admit, Matt?

Matt: No, of course not!  I mean, Dash and I are friends, and I just get mad when stories treat her like this.  Ponies around here aren't sluts, much less Rainbow Dash!

I giggled “ok, but you have to go on a date with me this weekend.”

Pinkie: Because livingwith her wasn’t respectable enough for you?

She gave a big smile “there’s the confidence I like, you got yourself a deal.” And then we walked back into the party.

I may have lost the race, but I have won the prize.

Matt: The American educational system in one sentence!

All of my hard work has paid off;

Twilight: Whathard work?  You sat around doing nothing but idolizing her for ten years and then got in one race, which you lost.

Pinkie: Conflict?  Character growth?  Pathos?  What’re those?

I finally have the pony of my dreams.

Pinkie: This would be better if it werea dream.

After a long night of partying, we went back to Rainbow Dash’s house. Needless to say we explored other pleasures of the flesh.

Matt: If it was needless to say, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID IT!

Twilight: Caaaalm down, Matt.  It’s not actually Rainbow Dash.

Matt: *mutters* So much hate...

I awoke the next day at dawn, noticing my Beautiful rainbow lying asleep next to me. She is everything I could ask for. She is my prize, she is my love. I may have lost that race, but I won the prize: Love.

Twilight: He already said that.

Pinkie: It’s skipping like a broken record!

Matt: Let’s get out of here before anything else starts to repeat!

Luna laughed as the fic faded to black and was replaced by her webcam image.  "Well done!  And thanks to you, Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle, for not abandoning Matt to this fic alone."

Pinkie giggled.  "That was awesome!  That story totally deserved it anyway."

Even Twilight was grinning happily after the experience.  "I wasn’t really sure what to expect at first, but it was very easy to get into!  I might have to do this again sometime—to establish experimental controls, I mean."

"Uh huh," I taunted, tousling her mane in a brotherly sort of way.  "It’s perfectly fine to admit that you just had fun being sarcastic for a while, Twi."

She huffed her mane out of her face and straightened it with a few telekinetic tugs, trying not to laugh.  "Okay, okay, I admit it.  It wasfun."

On the screen, Luna nodded in agreement.  "I thought so as well, Twilight, when I assisted Matt on a prior tale."

Pinkie perked up.  "Wait, youdid a riff?"

"Indeed!  ‘Twas good fun!"

Twilight stood, shaking her head in amazement as she floated her saddlebags over to herself with her magic.  "Well, I need to get back to the lab.  If you need a partner again, Matt, just let me know."

Pinkie stretched and bounced towards the door.  "I'm out, too.  Gotta go earn that money for all those parties, after all!" she giggled.

I laughed.  "Thanks you two.  I’ll see you around."

The mares left and I closed the door behind them, returning to slouch on the couch.  All of a sudden, the house was almost deathly silent as Luna and I just stared awkwardly at each other through the TV's viewscreen.

"So..." I began.

"Yes?"

"Got any fives?"

-fin-

[05] A Fear of a Pegasus Named Fluttershy

I was about halfway through building the courtyard wall for my Minecraft castle when Rainbow knocked on my door and walked in.

"Wow, it feels good to be back," she said.  "'Sup, Matt?"

I paused the game and jumped up.  "Dash!  Welcome back!" I said, holding my fist out for a hoofbump.  "I missed you, girl.  Things have been pretty damn dull around here without you."

She bumped my hoof and rolled her shoulders, like she was trying to work out some soreness.  "No, you want boring, try being laid up for a few weeks.  I'm sore just from flying here.  I haven't gotten to stretch my wings in weeks."

I nodded sympathetically.  "Yeah, it sounded like you took quite a hit.  I can't imagine that was fun."

She snorted.  "To put it lightly, yeah.  I've neversat in one place for so long!  It was awful."  Rainbow ruffled her feathers and shook her mane out of her face.  "On a cooler note, though, Princess Luna sent me a present.  She gave me my own laptop like yours!"

"Oh, sweet!  At least you had that to pass the time."

Dash nodded.  "Yeah, I did.  I think I saw just about everything.  I read TV Tropes, watched Lets Play videos, and saw more memes than I ever thought could exist.  Why arethere so many cats online?"

I laughed.  "If anyone knew, he would instantly be crowned king of the internet."

Rainbow Dash shook her head and slumped onto the couch, preening her feathers absently.  I was so used to the TV suddenly clicking on that I didn't even jump when it happened now, though I still wasn't prepared for what waited on the screen.

“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING, EQUESTRIA!”

Dash and I both just stared blankly at the screen as Luna strutted smugly.

"I... what?" Dash stammered.

"I, uh, she helped me do a riff while you were gone," I explained.  "I showed her the internet, too, and it seems that she's done her own research as well..."

"I have discovered your Earth's Netflix!" Luna crowed with the cheekiest grin I've ever seen.  "So, you two, how about commencing a new story riff?"

I snorted in surprise.  "Wow, movies certainly have helped your Englis—er, Equestrian improve, Luna."  I took my place on the couch opposite Dash.  "I suppose, I haven't gotten into a story in a while.  Whatd'ya say, Dash?  Feel like getting back to work?"

"Absolutely," she replied, a fire in her voice.  "I've been out of the game for too long.  Let's tear this thing apart!"

"You heard the mare, Luna, hit us!"

The Princess flipped the off-screen switch, and that damned yellow light started flashing merrily away.

"WE GOT STORY SIGN!"

A Fear of a Pegasus Named Fluttershy, by Silver Moon

Rainbow: Just one?

Matt: It does seem that there’s more than a few to choose from.

Rainbow: I mean, she’s my friend and all, but she has issues.

Matt: Don’t worry about it, it makes her more lovable.

“Come on, Fluttershy. You can do this!” The butter yellow Pegasus sighed as she stared at her reflection.

Matt: Let me put it to you this way: YOU FEEL STRONG!  YOU FEEL GREAT!  YOU!  CAN!  DO!  THIS!

Rainbow: Those self-help tapes really aren’t very effective.

“No I can’t!” She cried.

Rainbow: Well not with that attitude, you can’t.

“Yes, you can!

"No!

"Yes!

"No!

Matt: Sensing some bipolar issues here...

"Yes!” This went on for several minutes, stopping only when Angel hopped in front of the pony holding a watch.

Matt: Because that’s what Asshole Bunny does, at least when he’s not expressly being an asshole.

With a gasp, Fluttershy looked at the time. “Oh, no!” She whispered. “I’m late for my spa date with Rarity!” She took off, flying out the door to town.

Matt: Do Lotus and Aloe charge you extra if you’re late or something?

Rainbow: Nah, Fluttershy’s just too polite to be late.

“Hello, darling,” Rarity purred as her panting friend bust into the spa. “Why are you so late today? I don’t think you have ever been late for one of our spa sessions before.”

Rainbow: She’d tell you, but you’d just end up giving her an insane look.

Matt: There’s a reason you don’t usually tell people that you just spent two hours arguing with your reflection.

“Oh, um, I… Um… I was…” Fluttershy cast around for a reason to excuse her lateness, but to no avail.

Rainbow: “Did I leave the iron on?”

Matt: “I think my bunny is double parked!”

“Um… I’ll tell you later. If that’s OK with you, I mean,” she whispered, hiding behind her mane.

Matt: You can almost see her exploding into an adorable ball of psychoses.

“No problem at all, dear. Now let’s get started, the sauna is all warmed up for us,” the white unicorn said, getting up from where she was sitting by the door.

Matt: I never really gotthe spa thing.  I mean, I like a good massage as much as anybody, but saunas just seem like sweaty boxes, and mud just feels weird.

Rainbow: I know!  I don’t know why the other girls keep giving me so much grief about it.

Matt: Maybe because you’re so stallion-esque?

Rainbow: *snorts and waves a hoof over her body* Human, please.  You know you want this.

Matt: *chokes from laughing*

Fluttershy nodded and followed her friend. The spa was almost empty; other than the spa ponies, Rarity and Fluttershy were the only two.

Matt: The economic crisis has been hard on everypony.

Rainbow: Aloe had to switch to domestic mud instead of the imported stuff.

Matt: Le shame!

The latter kept looking at the door in hopes another pony would enter. She wanted to have a private talk with Rarity, but it was almost impossible with the spa ponies always catering to them and no other ponies.

Rainbow: I know modesty isn’t really as big of a thing here in Equestria, but having the sauna visible from the front door just seems...

Matt: Cheap?  Tacky?  Gouache?

Rainbow: I like cheap, let’s go with that.

On the outside, Fluttershy looked just as she always did as the two friends went along their usual spa session, but inside a battle was raging.

Rainbow: The casualties were staggering.

Matt: The end of the war was in sight, but the south would rise again!

Rainbow: Miiiiiiight wanna be careful talking about your south rising in a place like a spa.

Matt: Touché.

Tell her! Now!

Matt: “I actually enjoy watching Equestria’s Got Talent.”

Rainbow: Ouch, thatwasbrave.  I wouldn't admit that.

No, I’m too scared!

Do it!

No!

Do it!

NO!

DO IT!!

Matt: “My sister!—*slap*—my daughter!—*slap*—my sister!—*slap*—my daughter!”

“NO!” Fluttershy cried out in an uncharacteristic volume. Instantly, every pony was looking at her.

Matt: Lotus ducked behind the desk to call the ponies in white coats to bring a straitjacket.

 “Oh, um… sorry,” she whispered, almost silently as she ducked behind her mane in terror.

Rainbow: Her mane gets more screen time than she does.

“No what, dear?” Rarity asked, looking at her friend.

“Nothing,” the shy Pegasus whispered.

Matt: Smooth, Flutters.  Not suspicious in the LEAST.

Tell her! Fluttershy demanded herself in her head.

Rainbow: “Lots of ponies still have their foal blanket!  It’s not that weird!”

Matt: “If I don’t tell her about the rash now, it’s just going to be more awkward when we’re in the bath later!”

Now! You’re almost out of time! It was true; the spa session was almost over.

Matt: Once the spa session is over, Fluttershy turns back into a pumpkin!  Or something.  I dunno.

The two mares were sitting in the big hot tub, as they always finished.

Matt: Um... finished?

Rainbow: It’s not thatkind of story, for Celestia’s sake.  *huffs*  Males...

I can’t! Fluttershy argued with herself.

And why is that?

Rainbow: “I’m bound by the restraining order from speaking to Rarity while in a tub!”

Because Aloe is standing right. Over. There!

Rainbow: Or that.

OK then how about this, the more assertive part of her compromised. If another pony comes in, then Aloe and the others would go see them, not us, right? Right. So how about if that happens, you tell Rarity.

OK. I think I can do that.

Good. It’s a deal then?

Yes. Fluttershy nodded at the agreement she had made with herself.

Matt: The three-headed knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grailapproves of this conversation.

She then blushed, realizing that she had just done something strange for the second time that day.

Rainbow: Pinkie does nine strange things before Fluttershy even gets out of bed in the morning.  I think she’ll be okay.

She gave Rarity, who was again staring at her, a sheepish grin.

“Are you feeling OK, Fluttershy?” The unicorn asked, tilting her head to one side.

Matt: “Do we have to have you put down?”

“Oh, yes. Thanks Rarity, but I’m fine. I’m-” Fluttershy broke off with a squeak.

Rainbow: Get the superglue, Fluttershy’s broke again!

The door had just opened and a group of 5 walked in. Aloe looked at the mares in the tub and spoke.

“Will you girls be OK?” she asked.

Matt: Aloe hovers more than your table’s waiter when it’s five minutes after closing time at a restaurant.

“Yes, yes,” said Rarity, waving the Earth Pony off. “We can finish up ourselves. Thank you for a wonderful treatment, you never cease to amaze me.”

Matt: Rarity seems oddly un-disturbed about the lack of the happy ending.

Rainbow: Not that kind of story!

“Not at all,” replied the Earth Pony as she walked off to great her newest costumers.

Rainbow: Aloe’s costume this Nightmare Night was going to be AWESOME.

Matt: I hope so.  She had to fire her costumers after last year’s debacle.

“Now,” Rarity spoke again, turning to her friend. “What was it you were about to say?”

“Well, um. I um,” Fluttershy started. “Well, I. Um.”

“Come on, spit it out,” Rarity said, getting exasperated.

Matt: “No, that was it.  I’ve been practicing my stammers to be even more cute than normal.  How are they?”

“Well, I,” the Pegasus stammered one last time. Then she sighed. “Can you keep a secret?” She asked.

Rainbow: Who, the Gossip Queen?

Matt: Bitter about something, Dash?

Rainbow: Um.  Maybe.

“Well, of course darling!” Rarity cried. “Why, this one time Rainbow Dash told me-"

Rainbow: *frustrated sigh*  How does this fic possibly know about that!

Matt: Um, I’m assuming that’s a coincidence.

“FOREVER!!!!” cried Pinkie Pie, bursting up from under the water. “Ever, ever, ever, ever,” she echoed  as she slipped back under the water, going back to whatever party she had been at only moments ago. Rarity sighed.

Matt: Okay, I lovehow that doesn’t even rate a reaction from them.  That’s beautiful.  I wish I could give the author credit for such a perfect under-reaction.

Rainbow: I really don't think it was intentional.

Matt: I know, I said I wish.

“OK, so maybe I’m not that great at keeping secrets,” she admitted. “But you can see that I will never be able to tell anypony, what with Pinkie Pie around and all.”

Rainbow: What with and all.

“I guess…” Fluttershy murmured, looking unsure. Then her eyes lit up. “Pinkie Pie Promise,” she demanded.

“Oh, must I dear?”

Matt: You must dear.  Dear until you can’t dear anymore.

The pompous unicorn asked. “I would, you know that. It’s just that it is a tab bit foolish to do something so… odd… in a public place.”

Matt: On earth, we’d be muchmore concerned with all the public nudity than the oddity.

Rainbow: Yeah, Equestria’s cool that way.

“Yes, you must,” Fluttershy spoke with determination. “You must and you will, if you want to hear what I have to say.”

Rainbow: From passive confusion to determined demanding.

Matt: Fluttershy strikes again.

“Well, you are rather assertive today, aren’t you?”

Matt: Maybe those self-help tapes aren’t as useless as we thought.

Rarity sighed. “Fine. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” she murmured as she did the corresponding actions. “There, will you tell me now?”

“Um, yes,” Fluttershy whispered. “Well, you see… I um. I like somepony and-” Fluttershy was cut off by a large squeal of delight from her friend.

Rainbow: *tsks* Typical Rarity, always thinking things are about her.

Fluttershy ducked behind her mane once more as all eyes turned to the two of them, drawn by the sudden sound. Rarity, however, remained oblivious to the attention.

“Well, this is wonderful!” She exclaimed in full-on gossip mode.

Matt: This is exactlywhy you don’t tell Rarity these things.  There’s no way in hell she’s gonna not tell everypony in the world.

“What does he look like? How old is he? Do we know him? Is he an Earth Pony? Or another Pegasus? Oh, you like a unicorn, don’t you?! OOO, this is so wonderful! What does he look like?!” Rarity demanded once more before finally giving the cowering Pegasus a chance to respond.

Rainbow: Is it just me, or is the use of the word “he” rather... um, prominentin that paragraph?

Matt: Oh, it’s not just you, and it’s nota good sign.  I think I'm going to hate Luna for this one...

“Well. Um. They’re an Earth Pony. I think you might know them.

Matt: Just how many ponies does she have a crush on?

They have beautiful green eyes and they’reamare,” Fluttershy finished quickly and near-silently.

Rainbow: I’m going to assume she said that “they have nine legs.”

Matt: Sounds good to me.

“I’m sorry, but I did not quite catch that last part. What did you say?”

“I said that the pony I like has beautiful green eyes?” Fluttershy said slowly, hopefully.

“No, no, after that part.”

Matt: “The nine legs part, darling.”

“Oh that. Um, I said that the pony I like is a mare. OK I’m done,” Fluttershy finished from behind her mane.

“Come on, Fluttershy!” Rarity said, clearly tired of the game. “Stop murmuring and speak up!”

Rainbow: “I said she’s a lawyer, okay!  I’m sorry!”

“Oh. OK then. Well, what I wanted to tell you is that… Oh, would you look at the time? Our spa session is over. We better get out now!”

“Oh, dear. It appears you are correct. Well, we better dry off then.”

Matt: Convenient excuse is convenient.

Rainbow: And recurring joke is recurring.  Is this going to be a thing for us?

Matt: If I have my way, it will be.

Fluttershy nodded, hopping out of the hot tub. With speed to rival Rainbow Dash, she dried off and headed for the door.

“Just wait a second, could you darling?” Rarity called from where she stood, drying her own fur.

Rainbow: Ask her to dry your back and gauge her reaction!

Matt: I—huh.  That seems like a fairly sound strategy, actually.

“I believe we were in the middle of a conversation.”

“Well, I do really have to get going,” Fluttershy protested, backing away. She froze at the death glare Rarity was giving her. “… but I guess I could stay a little longer.”

Matt: Oh, Rarity.  Guilting her friends into revealing their most personal details for her amusement and eventual dispersal.

Rainbow: What are friends for?

Rarity smiled. A few minutes later, the two of them were walking to the unicorn’s house. Once there, the white mare invited her friend inside, but the Pegasus refused.

“I’d rather not. I’m sorry,” Fluttershy said.

Matt: There’s that restraining order again.  Damn that thing.

“Well, will you at least tell me what you wanted to,” Rarity protested.

“Fine, I will,” Fluttershy responded. Taking a deep breath, she spoke several things in one go. “TheponyIlikeisRose. YesRosethemare. YesIknowthatsheisstraightbutIlikeheranyway. NowIhavetogoIwillseeyoulaterBYE!” Fluttershy finished loudly as she ran off. She took to the sky after a few moments of running, leaving her shocked friend behind her.

Rainbow: Well, we get the nervousness.  Now the question is, will this story end up being a campy, cliche hug session, or the depressing betrayal fic?

Matt: Even without being able to see the story tags, I’m not optimistic.

Once she was home, Fluttershy fled to her room. “Oh dear, oh Celestia, what have I done?”

Matt: “I never should have left home without switching off the lights!  I’ve wasted so much power!”

She asked herself. “Maybe I should go talk to her. Oh, what if I scared her? Oh what did I do, why did I do that?!” Fluttershy curled up, hugging a pillow sadly.

She decided that later she would go talk to Rarity. Just what she would say could be figured out later. Exhausted by fear and a stress let-down, the Pegasus fell asleep.

Rainbow: Okay, okay, wait a second.

Matt: What’s up?

Rainbow: Equestria has a huge female population.

Matt: How huge?

Rainbow: I think Twilight said it was just under 65% of the population.

Matt: Holy crap.  On Earth it's about 54%, or somewhere around that.

Rainbow: And with that many mares around, one would assume that Fluttershy would know that a same-sex relationship isn’tthe most unheard of thing ever.

Matt: Not much of a big deal in Equestria, I’m assuming?

Rainbow: It’s not normal, I’ll admit, but a confession like this really wouldn’t offend that many ponies.  So why is she making such a deal out of it?

Matt: Well, unless I missed my guess earlier, I’m seeing some bad things coming.  The author is just using Flutters as a transparent vessel for his inability to stop from pasting a cheap human conflict onto ponies.

Rainbow: *frustrated sigh*  I’m gonna hate this, aren’t I?

Matt: *pats Rainbow on the shoulder* I will, too, Dash.  I will, too.

*************************************************************************************

Matt: My God, the scene change!It's full of stars!

Rarity looked at her three friends that had gathered at her boutique. Rainbow Dash was flying in circles above the mares, clearly bored.

Rainbow: That does happen, yes.

Matt: You get bored thatquickly?

Rainbow: Twilight insists on calling roll, like, every time we get together.  It gets old in a hurry.

Twilight was sitting patiently on a plush cushion, waiting for Rarity to speak. Pinkie Pie was bouncing up and down, up and down, down and up.

Matt: Gah!  The change there almost broke my head.  Damn my imagination trying to envision what I’m reading...

Rarity peaked out the window,

Rainbow: Twilight immediately began to study why her friend had turned into a mountain.

looking to see if Applejack had finished washing the mud off her hooves yet. Once the orange pony was inside, Rarity called for her friends’ attention. The four of them stopped moving, all except for Pinkie, who never really stops moving.

Rainbow: The first meeting of the Fellowship of the Stereotypes was set to commence!

Matt: Morecut-and-paste show inserts?  We should really start a drinking game or something.

The four of them looked at their friend expectantly. After several long moments of silence, Twilight spoke.

Rainbow: How long is a long moment?

Matt: I dunno, but there were several of them, apparently.

Rainbow: It’s like saying something was two “talls” high, or a place is fourteen "fars" away.  There’s no standard for comparison.

“So, what is the urgent news that you called us here to tell us about?” She asked.

“Today Fluttershy told me something I think you should know. Fluttershy told me that she is-”

“Oh, wait a minute!” Pinkie cried suddenly. “Somepony is about to break a Pinkie Promise! I’ll be right back!”

Matt: I never thought of Pinkie as stupid, myself.  A bit of a bubblehead sometimes, but never this dense.

“Pinkie, wait!” Rarity said, but the pink mare had already poofed away.

Rainbow: Because Pinkie Pie.

Matt: *shrugs* Like logic applies to her.

“FOREV-” Pinkie stopped dead, clearly confused to be in the same place. “Wait, what?” She asked. “Rarity, are you about to break a Pinkie Promise? Tsk tsk, that’s twice in one day I had to stop you.”

Matt: “Cooler.  Zwei weeks.”

“Yes, Pinkie. I am about to break a Pinkie Promise, but for a good reason.

Rainbow: “I needto be a nosy, self-absorbed bitch!”

What Fluttershy told me today I really feel you all should know,” Rarity looked at her friends.

“Rarity, I’m not sure this is a good idea,” Twilight said slowly. “I mean, this is one way to ruin a friendship-”

“FOREVER!” Pinkie cried in her usual Pinkie Pie-ish fashion.

Her cry was so loud that none of the mares noticed the soft knock on the door or the quiet voice asking if anypony was there.

Matt: Cue poorly-written disaster in 5... 4... 3...

“Yes, yes. I know this,” Rarity said. “But I truly think that you girls need to know this.”

Rainbow: “For no Luna-damned reason!”

Luna: Hey!  I’m listening right here!

Rainbow: *blushes* Oh... heh.  Sorry, Princess.

Matt: Seriously, though, is Rarity afraid that Flutters will kill them all in their sleep?  What’s the big rush here?

All eyes were glued to the white unicorn so not one of the ponies noticed the door to the fashion boutique open.

“Hello?” Fluttershy asked as she stepped inside. “Anypony here?”

Matt: The shock caused several heart attacks.

She stopped talking as Rarity spoke again.

“I truly think you girls need to know what Fluttershy told me when we were at the spa today.”

“No,” Fluttershy whispered. “But, you Pinkie Promised!” Her voice was still too soft for the others to hear her.

Matt: *sighs* The not being heard thing is really hard to buy.  They’re not at a construction site, they’re in Rarity’s shop.  Just put it in thoughts already if you need her to be unseen so badly.

“Well, spit it out already!” Rainbow said impatiently. “I have tricks to practise.”

“Very well then. Today Fluttershy told me that she likes somepony,” Rarity hesitated, unsure of how to go on.

“Well, Fluttershy likin’ somepony is nothin’ to hoot at. If that’s all you got to tell us, I better get goin’ I got apples to buck,” Applejack said.

Rainbow: A quiet “Well screw you, too, Applejack!” sounds from the doorway.

Matt: That is pretty harsh.  But then again, if Applejack had things like hobbies or emotions, like, ever, it would break the illusion that she’s completely useless except to kick trees.

“That is not all she told me. She told me who she likes.

Matt: “She’s in love with Harry the Bear.”

Rainbow: The scandal!

You know Rose? The florist?” Her friends nodded.

“Yes, but what does that have to do with Fluttershy?” Twilight asked.

Matt: Twilight is rather thick when it’s plot convenient.

“Ah think she means that Fluttershy likes Rose,” Applejack said, honest and blunt as ever.

“WHAT?!” Rainbow cried, dropping to the floor in surprise. Pinkie Pie felt her chin hit the floor as she gasped in shock.

Rainbow: Overreact much?

“Oh. Well then. Is this right, Rarity?” Twilight asked.

“Yes.”

“Like, as in likes-likes?”

“Yes.”

“As in Fluttershy is…?”

Matt: “A stallion in disguise, yes.”

“Yes. Fluttershy is a fillyfooler,” silence followed Rarity’s words for several moments. Then the silence was broken by Rainbow Dash.

“BWahahaha!!! Oh, oh good one, Rarity! I never knew you liked pranks! Hee hee!” Dash looped in the air, trying to work off the laughter.

Matt: “Next you’ll tell me that Applejack does something other than buck apples all day every day!”

“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity shouted. “I assure you, this is no prank.”

“But it has to be! I mean there is no way I am friends with a fillyfooler. No. Way.”

Rainbow: *cringes* Um, I don’t think I like me in this story...

“Well, unless Fluttershy has found an odd sense of humor recently, this is no prank. And judging by the way she was so reluctant to tell me and how quickly she spoke and ran off once she had told me, I’m going to say it is not a prank. I’m just not sure what to do!”

“I’m not sure we need to do anything,” Twilight said. “I mean, is this a bad thing?”

Matt: Oh man, here it comes.  Duck and cover, Dash...

“Is this a bad thing? Is this a bad thing!?” Dash cried out. “No, not at all! This is just one of the worst things that could happen!”

“Eeyup,” Applejack agreed bluntly.

“Why, yes!” Rarity cried dramatically.

“See, this is why nopony liked her in flight school!” Dash shouted. “Everpony said she was a fillyfooler, but I defended her! Gah, I was such a fool! Fillyfoolers are not welcome here. There is no way I am going to be friends with one,” The Pegasus stomped her hooves irritably as even Pinkie Pie nodded agreement.

Rainbow: Sweet.  Harmony.  Why am I such a prick in this story?

Matt: You may notice that it's not just you, either.

Rainbow: Now that you mention it, yes.  Yes I do.

“I’m still not sure why this is a bad thing, although I admit it is a little… unusual. Abnormal. Strange. Offbeat. Queer. Irregular. Un-”

Matt: Wow, someone found the link to thesaurus.com.

“Get to the point already and stop muddlin’ our minds with your fancy talk!” Snapped Applejack.

Rainbow: All those syllables really hurt Applejack’s head.

Matt: At least they do when it’s StupidHick!Applejack.

Rainbow: Renaming characters?

Matt: If I don’t distinguish these pastiches from the real ponies, I’ll kill someone.  Probably myself.

“Weird,” Twilight finished. “I will feel strange around her from now on, I’m sure.”

“Wait, you still plan on hanging out with her?!” Dash cried, indignantly.

“Well, yes. Why wouldn’t I?”

“’Cause fillyfoolin’ is sinful,” Applejack remarked.

Rainbow: Um, Matt?  What does that mean?

Matt: Ooh boy... Ask me again later, we really, reallydon’t have time to expound on that now.

“And so dirty and wrong!” Added Rarity.

“And just so weird!” Pinkie Pie piped in. “I mean, come on! Think of all the times she has seen us without clothing! How can we know we can trust her?”

Matt: Oh, holy shit.  This is just getting retarded now.  Seen them without clothing?  Is she freaking serious?

Rainbow: Aside from high-society events and a flight suit, I’ve NEVER worn clothing.  And neither has Pinkie, for that matter!

Matt: Okay, so we’ve finally hit the chewy, nougat center of awful.  Wow.

“Oh, I never thought of that,” muttered the purple unicorn. “Oh wow, now this is awkward. I’m not sure what to do anymore.”

Rainbow: Murder.  It’s the only way to be sure.

Matt: Why not?  These characters seem all too eager to think only about themselves.  I'm sure they wouldn't have any problem simply offing Flutters.

“Well I do,” the colourful Pegasus spoke again. “We lose her. Get her out of our lives like AJ bucks rotten apples off her farm. Stop talking to her before word gets out and everypony hates us because we know her. I know that’s what I’m going to do.”

Rainbow: How the heck does anyone think that I could be that much of a prick to my best friend?!

Matt: I know it’s stupid, Rainbow, but it isn’t personal.

Rainbow: No, this is!  This is just insulting!  It’s not like I’m not the freaking Element of Loyalty or anything.  It's not like I grew upwith Fluttershy or anything!

Matt: And Applejack might not be afraid to speak her mind, but she’s not the hateful bastard we see here.  Not even close.

“Ah’m with ya there, Dash,” the orange pony said. “No way in hay am Ah bein’ round such a bad crowd, even if it is only one pony.

“Come on you two,” Twilight tried to reason with her friends. “Fluttershy is still our friend, even if she is a bit… different. What about using the Elements?”

Rainbow: Use the Elements of Harmony to CURE HER?!

Matt: Strawman versus strawman combat at its finest, this is.

“Well, Ah still fit mah element. Ah’m just being plan honest with y’all.”

Matt: She’s right.  Just because she’s suddenly been turned into a massive asshole doesn’t mean she’s not being honest.  Holy balls...

“But what about you, Dash?” Twilight turned to her friend. “I thought you were loyal.”

“I am! Just not to a fillyfooler.”

Matt:  *turns to his laptop and parses through a few pages*  Hmmmmm...

Rainbow: What’s that, Matt?

Matt: “loy-al; adjective. 1. faithful to one's sovereign, government, or state: a loyal subject. 2. faithful to one's oath, commitments, or obligations: to be loyal to a vow. 3. faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend. 4. characterized by or showing faithfulness to commitments, vows, allegiance, obligations, etc.: loyal conduct.”  Nope, I don’t see anything about "only when I feel like it" in the definition of “loyal.”

“Girls, I think we should change the subject now,” Rarity interrupted the argument.

“Why is that?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head to one side.

“Because Fluttershy is standing by the door listening to our every word,” the unicorn replied.

Rainbow: Apparently we were so blinded by STUPID that we couldn’t see her in the five minutes she’d been standing there.

All movement stopped, even Pinkie managed to cease bouncing. Then, as one, they all turned to face a tearful Fluttershy.

“Hi Fluttershy!” Pinkie cried happily. “What ‘cha doooing?”

Matt: What.  The.  Fuck.

Rainbow: *facehoofs*

Matt: I know Pinkie is a bit vapid at times, but seriously, what the hell, man?  You practically accused your best friend of wanting to molest you, and you try to giggle it off?

“Do.. do you all really feel like that?” Fluttershy stammered, ignoring the pink pony’s question as tears feel into an ever-growing puddle on the floor. “Do you all really hate me?”

“I will never be friends with a fillyfooler,” Dash said once more. Looking straight into the yellow mare’s eyes, she spoke with a cold sureness. “Never.”

“I’m sorry, but I just do not feel comfortable around you anymore, dar-, er I mean Fluttershy,” Rarity added.

“AJ?” Fluttershy asked painfully. “Pinkie Pie?”

“Eeyup.”

“Yup!” exclaimed the easily excitable pony.

“Twilight?” Fluttershy looked at the only pony she felt might still be a friend. “Twilight, do you hate me?”

“I… No. I do not hate you,” the unicorn said. Fluttershy felt her face light up as hope filled her. “But,” the purple unicorn continued, “I don’t think that we should hang out anymore. Or talk to each other much. At least not for a little while. I’m sorry.”

Matt: I just—I got nothin’, man.  This deserves a Tragedy tag alright, but it’s because of the writer, not the plot.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I told Rarity and ruined all of our friendships. I’m so sorry. I’m just going to go now. I’m so, so sorry,” Fluttershy murmured as she turned and ran out the door, leaving a river of tears behind her.

“Should one of us go after her?” Twilight asked as she watched her ex-friend flee.

Rainbow: What, nowyou give a damn?

“Nnope,” Dash said in sync with Applejack. The five ponies stood in awkward silence as they listened to the pony they thought they knew ran away.

*************************************************************************************

"Jeez, I just—what the—h—AAAAGHGGHHH!"  Rainbow screamed and threw a pillow at the wall.

I sighed.  "I know, Rainbow.  It’s bad.  It’s really, really bad.  Frankly, the author should probably be beaten for being thisinsulting to so many different groups."

With nothing else to focus her anger on, Rainbow rounded on me fiercely.  "Fine," she snapped, "we’ve got a scene break, so tell me.  What the hay does 'sinful' mean?"

I took a very long, very deep breath.  "Yeah, I guess you haven’t learned that one yet.  Okay, here's the deal.  'Sin' is an earth term that’s very incorrectly applied to Equestria in this case.  It’s derived from words that mean 'trespass,' or 'offense,' and the original usage in earth’s religious texts literally means 'to miss the mark or fall short of expectations.'  It’s a picture of someone who knows something is wrong and does it anyway.  On earth, the word is almost exclusively applied to actions of a moral or ethical nature."

Rainbow's head cocked to the side as she processed this information.  "So Applejack is saying that Fluttershy’s attraction to Rose is immoralthen?"

"In a nutshell, yeah.  A very disturbed nutshell."

"Why?  What did she do?  Who did she hurt?"

I snorted, my own feelings starting to boil.  "See, that’sthe big problem here.  Flutters hasn’t even done anything, they’re judging her based on what she feels."

"So what’s the big deal?"

I had to stall for time.  "This might just be thebiggest of hot-button topics on my world, and there's no easy way to sum up the debate while still being fair."  I sat back, thinking quickly.  "There's two sides to the debate, really.  There's a group who, like you, would see it as no big deal, with no one being harmed.  However, there's alsoa group of humans who believe that there's a divine order to sexual relationships, and that those who go against a strict male-female pairing are doing themselves and society harm."

Dash shut her eyes, trying to understand.  "So a mare who likes another mare is going against a divine order."

"Bingo."

She stomped a hoof in frustration.  "Isn’t that kinda, you know, awful?"

"Oh, it's very easy to say so, but it's not as simple as that."  I sighed.  "It depends how you view the issue and what you do with it.  If you legitimately thought a friend was about to fall off of a cliff and die, you'd try to convince them to come away from that cliffeven if everyone else was saying you were intolerant, yeah?"  Rainbow nodded uncertainly.  "Look, there's plenty of people on either side who honestly and deeplybelieve in their viewpoint, and that's not wrong.  But there are also plenty of people on either side who have used their views to judge others and see them as either intolerant and hateful or immoral and savage.  It's inspired a lot of hate and pain."

Rainbow's jaw dropped slightly.  "...People actually dothat?"

"Sometimes, yes, sadly."  I ran a hand through my hair, frustrated at everything around me.  "That’s the kind of person that all these ponies in the story are meantto sound like, but by making things so blatant, so simple, so over-the-top, he’s completely insulted everyone who genuinely holds those beliefs out of love instead of hate, not to mentionall those people who have gone through this sort of thing in Fluttershy’s position!"

"You... seem to know a lot about this," Rainbow said quietly, taking a small stepcloser to me.

I scowled.  "You could say that.  To—well, to be honest, I've been on bothsides of this debate.  I've been where Fluttershy is andwhere her friends are in this story.  It sucks.  It sucks hard.  And there's no easy way to go through it, no matter what you do."

Dash's ears perked forwards.  "Wait, in Fluttershy’s position?  You mean, you..."

I nodded.  "Yeah.  It was a strange time in my life, and it didn’t turn out well."

"This is a lot to take in, dude."

I gave her a sardonic smirk.  "Time to put your personal stance to the test?"

Her frown was sympathetic, if slightly reproving.  "Dude, come on.  You know I still like you no matter what.  And I knowyou wouldn't ever treat somepony else like these characters are."

"Thanks, Dash," I said, quietly stewing.  "That's just what pisses me off so much.  The worst part is that a goodauthor who actually caredabout their characters could still have Applejack be against a same-sex relationship without being a complete ass about it.  I mean, if Applejack really cared about Fluttershy, she’s be talking to her, offering her friendship and advice, notshutting her out like she’s got a disease.  And again, this isn’t like Fluttershy is coming up and telling her friends that she’s been secretly working as a whore or a contract killer for years.  All she’s said is that she has feelings that she really doesn’t understand!  She’s not responsible for that!"

Rainbow stared at me, her eyes wide and worried, but I didn't really notice.

"It’s not that hard to understand!  Feelings happen regardless of what you want; you can’tbe held responsible for what you feel.  Thoughts happen instinctively, but you can always choose to stop thinking about something.  It’s what you actually dothat matters, and Fluttershy hasn’t doneanything!  It’s completely stupid!"

I slumped, huffing, belatedly realizing that I had practically shoutedmy words at my friend.  "I—I'm sorry, Dash.  I didn't mean to yell..."

She didn't seem upset, though.“Hey, I get it.  I think I can see why you're so worked up over this.”

“Let’s just finish this piece of shit.”

She nodded, sliding over a little more so she was beside me.  "Alright, dude.  Just lean on me if you need it.  We can get through this fic."

Several weeks later, Twilight was walking around Ponyville.

Matt: As one is wont to do.

She had not seen Fluttershy since the ugly encounter at Rarity’s boutique; nopony had.

Rainbow: Ah, the ever-popular Author’s Saving Throw.  You know that thing I spent all of my time writing about?  The one that I crafted all the characters around?  Yeah, I hate that.  That’s stupid and ugly.

Matt: Doesn’t really carry the weight it’s intended to, does it?

Rainbow: It never does.

Twilight was still not sure that they had made the right choice about what they told Fluttershy. It must have been though, it was the truth. The truth is always best, right?

Matt: How can people conflate truth and opinion so easily?  What IS the truthis that you were an asshole while giving your opinion.

Rainbow: And even if you thought you were speaking from truth, you could still do it without ruining somepony else’s life.  I mean, compassion is an Element, after all.

Twilight sighed, allowing herself to get lost in thought. She wandered through the town for a while, too busy thinking to watch where she was going.

Matt: She left a trail of carnage and broken ponies in her wake.

Rainbow: Dude, she IS awfully self-absorbed in this fic.

She was just wondering if she should go check on the animal-loving Pegasus when she stumbled upon a small lump of fur. Looking down, the unicorn let out a gasp.

Rainbow: “My mittens!”

Huddled at her feet there lay a starving bundle of fun and bones.

Matt: “Fun and bones?”  That has GOT to be the most obtuse metaphor ever.  Of all time.

Rainbow: I never thought of Angel as “fun.”  “Demon-possessed,” maybe, but never “fun.”

Matt: Yeah...  There’s no chance whatsoever that it was just yet another stupid typo.

Rainbow: *shakes her head*  Nope.  Not a one.

“Angel?” Twilight asked. “What happened to Fluttershy?

Rainbow: “Did she divorce you?!”

Matt: And they thought being attracted to Rosewas weird!

Oh, never mind that, we have to get you to the vet!” Gently picking up the dying bunny with a haze of magic, Twilight ran off.

A few days later, Angel was well enough to mime what had happened.

Matt: A few days.  A FEW.  DAYS.

Rainbow: Oh, the critter your best friend has devoted her life to is dying, neglected, but that doesn’t mean you should, you know, go checkon her or anything.

Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Rainbow Dash all got together at the library. They sat in a circle with the unwell bunny in the middle.

Matt: The fell demon they summoned was pleased with their sacrifice, and in exchange for the rabbit he bound his power to Twilight for a day, that she may cleanse the world with fire.

After a few hours that seemed like days, the ponies managed to piece together what had happened after the talk in the boutique.

Matt: Where’s the Phoenix Wright music when you need it?

Fluttershy had gone home, crying harder than she ever had, even harder than the time Gabby Gums had spread gossip about her in the paper.

Rainbow: After which she didn’t run home crying at all.  I know, I was there.

Matt: And there's no excuse for the author, either.  We did kinda see it happen, after all.  Pinkie cried at the time, not Flutters.

She had opened up all the food she had for all of her animals then kissed Angel gently on the forehead. After that, she had walked out of her hut into the Everfree Forest.

Rainbow: She was in a gown of pure white, and strode slowly and silently.  Choruses of angelic voices sounded in the background.  The animals of the forest all bowed to her as she passed.  For her heart was too pure, too noble to be contained to this wretched world any longer!  Her pain was too vast, her path too hard...

Matt: …

Rainbow: …

Matt: … Wat.

Rainbow: I mean, the author’s gonna do everything he can to make Fluttershy into a martyr, so why not help out?

Matt: Fair point, actually.

Angel had waited for as long as he could. Although it did not look like it, he truly did care for his owner.

Matt: Asshole Bunny only pretendedto abuse her at every turn and be a controlling, demanding little spaz from hell.

Finally, he and the other animals had run out of food, yet Fluttershy had still not returned.

Rainbow: This took howlong again?

All the other animals left once there was no more food, but the bunny had tried to wait. Eventual, he saw far too hungry to survive, so he had gone to town and that is when Twilight found him.

Matt: That sentence reallybroke down.  You can almost FEEL the author’s excitement as he approaches the climax, unwilling or unable to break from his progress for even the modicum of seconds it would take to reread his work and realize how crap he was writing.

Once the bunny had finished his tale, the 5 mares sat silently. Finally, Twilight broke the silence.

Rainbow: There was silence, and then there was not silence.

Matt: Show versus Tell: How to NOT do it.

“I think we need to look for her.”

“No,” Dash objected. “Why should we? She is no friend of ours. Why should we risk our necks trying to save her? Besides, she probably just is staying a Zecora’s.”

Matt: And the blanket hatred overtakes the obviously ethnic character, too.  Wow.

Rainbow: I don’t even know if the author is doing it on purpose.  I’m starting to think he’s just really stupid enough to believe this crap.

“Ah don’t think so, Dash,” Applejack shot back. “Why would she leave her bunny behind? Somethin’ musta happened to her.”

Rainbow: Oh, now youcare, too?  At least the idiot version of me is consistent. *huffs*

“So?” Dash growled. “What does it matter to us? Even if something happened to her, why should we help her? She lied to us for all those years. She must have known before she told Rarity.”

Rainbow: Oh shut up.  You're awful.

“Dash, stop it,” Twilight said. “She may no longer be our friend, but that does not mean we shouldn’t help her. We need to help everypony that needs help; that is what it means to be an Element of Harmony!”

Matt: WHAT?!

Rainbow: *slams her face into the arm of the couch*

Matt: How the helldoes Harmony mean that you’re allowed to HATE people, especially when you CAUSED the problem in the first place?

“But-”

“No buts, Dash,” Twilight cut across. “We leave now. No arguing. Let’s go.”

Matt: Intolerance isn’t limited to ethnics and the alternate sexualities, I see.  At least that’s something.

Rainbow: It is?

Matt: If you’re going to be a spiteful, stubborn prick, you can at least be egalitarian about it.

Unwilling to waste anymore time, Twilight started off, leaving the others no choice but to follow her. As they neared the forest, the temperature dropped noticeably. It was nearing night time; the darkness seemed more cruel than usual.

Rainbow: Maybe it just reacts to the cast’s cruelty?

Even brave Rainbow dash was reluctant to enter.

Rainbow: Scared now?  Is this even supposedto be me?

“Maybe we should wait until morning. You know, when it is light?” The Pegasus suggested as they stood at the edge of the path.

Matt: But if you did that, the inevitable upcoming scene wouldn't be nearly as tragic and poignant.

“No. We need to find her now. How knows what kind of trouble she had gotten herself into by now?” Twilight said.

Rainbow: "I mean, she admitted to being attracted to a mare!  For all we know, she could be out molesting foals by now!"

Matt: *pats Rainbow on the shoulder*  Stay strong, Dash.  Almost home...

“She’s right, y’all,” Applejack spoke up. “Ah don’t like it either, Dash, but we gotta do what we gotta do.”

Matt: This is the most polite lynch mob ever.

Pinkie Pie and Rarity nodded their heads, fear plainly viable in their eyes are the stared into the shadows.

Matt: They know what evil lurks in the hearts of men.  And ponies, I assume.

“Right then, let’s get going,” swallowing her fear, Twilight lead her friends into the darkness. After about an hour of fruitless wandering, Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. “This is taking too long!”

Rainbow: "I was supposed to be picketing a day care by now!"

She shouted into the night. “Dash, you fly ahead, see if you can find any signs. But stay within earshot, OK?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Dash said before flying off.

Rainbow: Mare-Do-Well, this ain't.

Several minutes of wandering later, the four ground searchers hear a shout.

Matt: How did I using tense?

Rainbow: Ah, love those recurring jokes.  They're always useful.

They froze, frightened by the fearful shout they heard from Dash.

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight shouted. “Can you hear me? Come back!”

“I-I can hear you Twilight. I’m coming back, wait where you are, I’ll find you.”

“OK,” Twilight called back. As the ponies waited, their imaginations took over. Each mare stood lost in her own mind, wondering what Dash had found. They all jumped as the blue Pegasus burst from the trees.

“I found Fluttershy,” Rainbow said softly.

Matt: "It's worse than we thought.  She's... She's a Scientologist..."

Rainbow: What the...?

Matt: Trust me, if you were from Earth, you'd probably be chuckling.

“Is she OK?” Twilight asked, clearly frightened.

“No. She's- no. You- you better come see for yourselves.”

Matt: Is she cold?

Rainbow: Is she hurt?

Matt: Is she beige?

Rainbow: Is she a burrito?

Matt: Is she a clown?

Rainbow: Give us somethin' here!

Without waiting for a response, Rainbow turned and forced her way through the undergrowth.

Matt: Very rude.  She didn't even say "excuse me."

Rainbow: There isno excuse for her.

Exchanging terrified glances, the others followed. Several moments later, they emerged into a clearing. It was beautiful; the moon cast a peaceful glow on the grass. The trees did not seem as frightening as they did outside the clearing and the light illuminated several bushes of bright blue leaves near the center of the clearing.

Rainbow: Oh, Celestia.  I'm gonna be sick.

Matt: Welp, we called it.  It's like Norman Rockwell and Walt Disney had an emo baby and gave it to Tim Burton to raise.

Rainbow: How over-the-top can you get?!

None of the ponies noticed the beauty of the glade; all of them stared at the one thing that seemed to suck any magic from the area.

Rainbow: The new Magi-Suck 3000!

Matt: Cleans up tough mana spills with ease.

In the middle of the grass lay Fluttershy. She had several dried berries in her hooves and dried juice crusted on her lips. It was clear that she had eaten the berries.

Matt: It was true; the snozberries DID taste like snozberries.

She lay without moving, although weeds had sprung up around and on her.

Rainbow: Jeez, now even plants?  Fluttershy is out of control!

Matt: Sensing a liiiittle sarcasm there.

The long tendrils of the plants had crept up onto Fluttershy over the weeks she had lain without moving.

“Is she- Is she dead?” Pinkie asked, for once all joy gone from her voice.

Matt: Obviously hard to tell, since ponies are well-known for taking multi-week naps.  OH WAIT.

“Yes,” Twilight whispered, nodding. “Yes, I’m afraid she is.”

“Oh, I feel simply horrid!” Rarity cried. Tears fell from her eyes, slowly climbing down her face. “Is she dead or almost dead? Is it too late to save her?”

“Yes,” Twilight said again.

“Are ya sure, sugercube?”

“I’m afraid I am.”

“How can you be so sure?” Dash asked, her voice thick with accusation.

Matt: God, this is so STUPID!  What makes them give a damn now?  If these characters were in any way consistent, they'd all be taking turns to piss on her body while Twilight says "Now girls, that might not be very nice..."

“Do you see those berries she was eating?” The others nodded. “Well, I know about those. They are called Instans-Aeacus. It's Latin.

Rainbow: Which is totally a thing in Equestria shut up.

Matt: That's my line...

It translates to ‘instant death.’ They are the most lethal substance on all of Equestria. And-and I think Fluttershy knew that when she ate them.”

“What makes you say that?” Asked Pinkie Pie.

“Because Fluttershy is the one who told me about them.”

Matt: She spoke Latin and knows about plants now?  I thought her things were animals and dressmaking.

Rainbow: You're gonna bring logic into this?

Matt: You're right, it doesn't deserve the courtesy.

An evil muteness filled the air as the four ponies looked at the dead body.

“What do we do now, Twilight?”

“I’m not sure AJ. Rarity, Rainbow, you two knew her best. What do you think?”

“I don’t care. One less fillyfooler on Equestria, the way I see it.”

Matt: Aaaand, the sociopathic dyke hater is back.  That was quick.

“Rainbow Dash, how could you be so cruel?” Rarity shook her head sadly. In the beauty of the copse she could almost pretend the gentle Pegasus was asleep.

Rainbow: But as we've established, all the ponies in this story are bone-shatteringly stupid.

Almost, if not for the scent of death that hung heavy in the air. Rarity sighed. “I think we should leave her here. She always liked nature and she looks so peaceful. I don’t think there is anything we can do here. What do you girls think?”

“I think you’re probabaly right,” Twilight said sadly.

Matt: Yeah!  Why should anypony think to give the rampaging lesbian a decent burial!  She had the gall to come to her friends with her fuckingFEELINGS!

Rainbow: *leans over and gives Matt a side hug* It's okay, dude.  It'll end soon.

“Any objections?” When nopony responded, Twilight nodded. “OK then. We should go back to home now. There is nothing we can do. Goodbye, Fluttershy. I’m sorry,” Twilight said as a tear slipped down to the forest floor.

Matt: Bull.  Shit.

There was nothing left to do so the purple unicorn turned and walked back to the path. Slowly, the others left until only Dash was left. She looked down at the cold, dead pony with hatred. As she stood alone, however, her gaze softened. She turned and walked to the trees her friends had disappeared behind. Turning to look at the Pegasus one last time, Rainbow spoke.

Rainbow: Oh jeez, I'm having anothermood swing?  How much sillier can this get?

“I’m sorry, Fluttershy. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have been so mean. I’m sorry. I never should have laughed at you. So, goodbye. And, I’m sorry.

“I’m so, so sorry.”

Rainbow: *sigh*  Yes.  Yes you are.

Matt: Well, it's over.

Rainbow: Thank the Sisters.

Well, you’re done." Luna declared, closing and shuffling a few folders around on her desk.  "So what's your final verdict?"

I sighed.  "This is one of the worst—if not theworst—thing I've ever read.  Not worst fanfiction, the worst anythingever.  I’ve read more enjoyable leftist propaganda leaflets.  I’d rather read Mein Kampfthan this abomination."

Rainbow nodded in agreement at my side.  "Everything about this story is insulting.  Any reader should be insulted by the blatant simplicity of the plot, never mind the way the story beats you over the head with its premise like a sledgehammer to an ice block."

"And the views are even worse, from every side!" I yelled.  "Don't support same-sex relationships or think they might be the slightest bit unhealthy?  You're a hateful jackass represented by the worst strawmen we could assemble.  Confused about the things you're feeling and want help?  Well, too damn bad; keep it to yourself, because everyone will hate you.  Your friends don't support your choices?  Might as well kill yourself, because angst and suicide are beautiful.  Seriously, I can't think of a worsething to tell a reader!"

"Matt’s shown me some of the classic ‘mane 6 member comes out’stories," Rainbow said, shaking her head, "and they’re ALL boring, trite, generic, simplistic, et cetera—but at least they aren’t this!"

Luna nodded.  "Well, I would say that you both have done justice to this fic.  How do you both feel?"

I grunted.  "Defeated."

"Exhausted," Dash echoed my mood.

"Dumber."

"Hurt."

"Insulted."

"Offended."

"All right, all right!" the Princess protested, throwing up her hooves in a gesture of surrender.  "I get the picture..."

I scowled at her.  "No, Luna, I'm not sure that you do.  Why are we still doing this?"

"...How do you mean?"

"Look," I replied.  "We both know that I didn't actually do anything wrong, yet I'm still here, against my will, being tortured—for what?  For your sadistic amusement?  Come on, Luna, you may be a prankster and a troll, but you're not cruel.  What's really going on?"

Luna's ears fell to the sides as she processed what I'd said.  "Okay, okay," she finally agreed.  "You do deserve to know."

Rainbow leaned in against me as she waited to hear what Luna had to say, but I wasn't sure if she even realized it.

"You were brought here on purpose," Luna confessed.  "Ever since the first human came to a version of Equestria, it weakened the borders in the multiverse and allowed us to bring things back and forth."

"Like the internet?" I asked.

"Exactly.  And for all the good it holds, there aredangers.  The only beings in any version of Equestria who have been made aware of the existence of the internet have been the humans, and those they have deemed able to handle it, like you did with Rainbow and myself."

I nodded slowly.  "Okay, I'm with you so far..."

"The difference," Luna said slowly, "is that Equestria runs on magic.  Things react in a much more... realway here. So these awful fanfictions are more than just bad stories, they're actually infecting the ponies who live here."

Rainbow sat bolt upright.  "Infecting?!  How?"

"It's subconscious, but reading and literacy rates dropped 2% in the first month after we brought through the first human, and the rate has been increasing, whether we bring anything new across or not.  Grades are dropping across Equestria, and foals aren't learning like they should be."

"Seriously?!" I exclaimed.  It was hard to accept.  The whole thing sounded to me like a half-assed fanfiction plot—though that might have just been because I'd read so many recently.

Luna grunted.  "Be grateful; in some other universes, the stories become rampaging monsters who kill ponies and destroy property.  It was Twilight and Pinkie who figured out how to combat the tide, though.  Pinkie saw a story and made fun of how bad it was, and Twilight detected a drop in the story's influence.  She figured out how to weaponize it by 'riffing' the stories like you do."

My head was swimming.  "Okay, I—wow.  So, why me?"

"Every human in Equestria—parallel dimension or no—was hoof-picked.  Your friends, like Twow and Simon, suggested you, and you were brought."  Luna held up a hoof to forestall my protest.  "You haven’t come across them out there because you’re not in quite the same reality they are.  Equestria has multiple versions across the multiverse.  We had to spread the healing effects around more."

"So why couldn't you tell me this before?!  I totally would have helped!"

Luna gave the camera a level look.  "I admit, I wanted to test you, to see what your limits were."  She couldn't resist a bashful grin, though.  "And, yes, I wanted to have a little fun at your expense, especially after you embarrassed me at Pinkie's party."  She sighed, her face and ears falling apologetically.  "I'm sorry I let it drag out like this, Matt.  Can you forgive me?"

I couldn't resist the ear drop even if I wanted to.  "Aww, of course, Luna," I replied.

"So, will you help us—allof us—save Equestria?" Luna asked hopefully.

"Hmmm...  That's a tall order, and I absolutely can't do it alone."  I turned to my wingmare and partner.  "Whad'ya say, Dash?"

She leaned away and gave my arm a playful punch.  "Are you kidding me?  I couldn't abandon you when it was just yoursorry flank on the line, so of courseI'm gonna stick it out for all of Equestria."

I grinned at the TV.  "Well, you heard her, Princess.  We're on the job!"

-fin-

[07] Dangersignal - The History

Rainbow and I sighed in unison as the door closed behind the last of the workers for the day.  We stared at the hole that still gaped in the wall of my house after two weeks, the remainder of work to be completed now covered over with a large plastic sheet.

“Well, it’s better than nothing,” Rainbow said with an almost apologetic shrug.

I hmmphed.  “It’ll have to do,” I replied.  “I don’t see you offering me yourcouch anytime soon, unfortunately.”

“Yeah, you’d have to lose a lotof weight for that to work,” she agreed.

I kicked back and fell flat onto my couch, bouncing lightly.  “At least that damned hammering has stopped for the night.”

“Has it?” Rainbow quipped, shoving my legs to the side as she claimed her corner of the couch and laid down, tucking her legs up under her stomach comfortably.  “I’m pretty sure I can still hear it.  I think I might alwayshear it from now on.”

I grunted and kicked my legs back up, resting them on her back.  She rolled her eyes, but smirked anyway.

I blew a long breath out between my lips noisily.  “At least it’s not winter.”

“At least, yeah.”

“That would be most unfortunate, yes.”

I wasn’t even surprised, somehow.  I let my head loll to the side to see Luna, her typical bedroom setting behind her on the TV.  “Thankyou for fixing that static,” I said flatly.  “But I’d still prefer it if you knocked or something.”

Luna sulked, her ears falling slightly as she realized her surprise had been wasted on us.

“You got a story for us?” Rainbow asked, perking up slightly.

“I do indeed.”

Even as tired and discouraged as I was over the work on my home going so slowly, I still felt something inside of me leap at the prospect of another chance to fulfil my purpose.  “Oh, tell me it’s bad...”

“It’s bad,” Luna smirked.  “And not that dismal, gloomy sort of bad that I’ve beengiving to you both, either.  This story is simple, pure badness.  It’s your favorite, Matt.”

I levered myself up slightly onto my elbows.  “Alicorn OC?”

“Indeed.”

My eyes got slightly wider.  “Self-insert?”

“Quite.”

I jumped up, swinging my legs back to the floor as Rainbow ducked.  Thankfully, I’d only clocked her once doing that so far, and she had quick reflexes.

“Sweet!” I yelled happily.  “Let’s rip it apart!”

Rainbow smirked.  “Okay, this I gotta see.”

Luna grinned.  “Incoming...”

The yellow light on the wall started flashing as always.  I threw a pillow at it, which did very little, but did make me feel pretty good for hitting it.

“WE GOT STORY SIGN!”

Dangersignal-The History, by NWRAlicorn

“My Past and Somewhat Present”

Matt: Oh, is that really his name?  This is going to be amazing.

I have been asked to give an account of my life before becoming the Alicorn known as Dangersignal.

Rainbow: Okay, stop.  One sentence in and I’m already calling BS on this story.No oneasked for this.

The short version is that the universe used me as a punching bag. The long version is as follows.

Matt: I liked the short version just fine, thanks.

Rainbow: Doesn’t exactly make the minimum word limit, though, does it?

Matt: You’re assuming that this needed to be published at all.

I was born on Hearthswarming Eve, in the Crystal Empire, long before Sombra ever took over and became Dictator.

Rainbow: Man, that’s the worst.  You never get to feel like you have your own special day when your birthday is on Hearth’s Warming.

Matt: Which is two words.

Most anyone who knows anything about the Crystal Empire sees them as kindhearted souls who wouldn’t harm a little horsefly. Oh boy have you got your heads in the clouds.

Matt: Maybe I’m weird, but I saw them as brutally slaughtered and kept as horrifically mistreated slaves, so maybe they could be forgiven for being slightly flat, emotionally.

Rainbow: Well, this waslong before that.  Maybe they were all assholes and totally deserved it.

When I was nothing more than a young filly, many of the early residents were straight up bullies, some going as far as to blackmail others who didn’t raise anyone who was of their “kind”.

Rainbow: Their “kind”?  Crystal ponies?

Matt: Other bullies?

School was worse than anything,

Matt: I hear ya, sister.

mainly because the professors refused to do anything about my bullying problems,

Rainbow: Your school as a filly had professors?  That’s some private school business right there.

Matt: Dude, their tuition must be ridiculous if primary and secondary schoolteachers are thatoverqualified.

which lead to depression and thoughts that aren’t fit to be told here.

Matt: Well, if it wasn’t for people like this, Linkin Park wouldn’t have had a career.  So I guess at least they have that going for them, which is nice.

Some time later, my younger brother was born, as an unicorn, whilst I was a Pegasus.

Rainbow: That would have been nice to know earlier.

Matt: She implied that she was picked on because of what type of pony she was, but refused to tell us until now what type she actuallywas.

He and I became close

Rainbow: Dont you even—

Matt: *snorts*  I know, I know, not that kind of story...

and by the time he was able to start Canterlot schooling, I was finished with Canterlot schools

Rainbow: She’s so finished with Canterlot schools.  Just done with it.

Matt: So over it, she can’t even.

and had moved to Cloudsdale to go to school to learn how to handle weather.

Matt: That makes sense, I suppose.

That lasted only one day, then I got kicked out for “being too good” (in other words, I was kicked out because I didn’t belong with Pegasi, despite me being a Pegasus).

Rainbow: Aaand, there’s the sentence that counters the sense-making.

Matt: Wow, this is some textbook Mary Sue-ing going on right here, people.

While I was trying to find my calling in life, my parents gave birth to a girl, and an earth pony,

Matt: Which just threw off the whole thing.

which completed the triad of ponies in Equestria.

Rainbow: Okay, I knowyou’re weirdly obsessive about these sorts of things, so what arethe odds of that?

Matt: It’s hard to say without knowing what both parents were and their heritages, but I can make a rough approximation.  If both parents are Earth Ponies, then the chance is no better than about one-tenth of one percent.  If they’re not, then about one percent.  I suppose it’s almost inevitable that it’s happened somewhere in Equestria.

However, things weren’t all sunshine and smiles with my youngest sibling and the parents. My sister had some kind of rare disease, and it seemed to be whittling away her life.

Matt: Ooh, “whittling”.  Can’t you just feel the angst building?

It was agreed that they’d go to Canterlot to see if the hospitals could save her life.

Rainbow: Pretty sure the doctors insidethe hospitals are the key.

I had wanted to go, but was summoned, by special delivery letter, to go see Princess Celestia.

Matt: Those commas make this sentence seem like it’s out of breath.

Rainbow: She should work on improving her stamina if she doesn’t want to be embarrassed meeting the Princess.

She had heard about my situation with my family and wanted to see if I was capable of being one of her prestigious Elite Guards.

Matt and Rainbow: *shake their heads*

Matt: Did we miss something?  This story just took a weird left turn.

Rainbow: Is the “Elite Guards” a code phrase for “charity”, or is there something about angsty teenaged ponies that makes better guards?

Matt: Maybe it’s like how MI6 and the CIA love recruiting orphans or something.  Still nonsense, of course.

My brother was also summoned to be inspected by Princess Luna for the same purpose.

Rainbow: I guess he was a pony that existed, sure, why not.

Matt: The “because reasons” are strong in this one.

Normal ponies would jump at the chance to be one of Luna and Celestia’s Elite Guard, but not me.

Matt: “I was too angsty, unique, and Anti-Sue to simply fall into thatold cliche.”

‘This will make me way too perfect,’ I thought. ‘No-one will ever speak to me again.’

Matt and Rainbow: *snort with laughter*

Rainbow: Most ponies have to dosomething first in order to be seen as perfect.

Matt: Welp, that’s quite a few checks off the Wall-O-Sue List™.

That statement was true.

Rainbow: Oh, well then, I guess if the story says so, then it’s indisputable.

Most of my family were dead by this point,

Matt: Due to the aforementioned “because reasons”.

Rainbow: Well, if everything ever didn’tgo wrong for our protagonist, then she wouldn’t qualify for Anti-Sue status.

but me and one uncle were not on “pleasant” speaking terms.

Matt: “He never gave back that lawn mower before my parents were plot-murdered.  I swore he would pay.”

If I were chosen, then he and I would burn bridges, finally ending that painful relationship.

Rainbow: Chosen?  For what, the Hunger Games?

Matt: I’d volunteer as tribute if it meant not needing to read bad fanfics anymore.

Rainbow: Well, either way, I’m glad the story took the time to add in that pointless bit of narrative aside.  Otherwise I’d have never known that she had an uncle who was completely inconsequential to the plot!

That was the only pleasing thought that entered my mind as Princess Celestia walked around, eyeing me, complementing and even praising me for my “snap to attention” appearance.

Matt: Bow-chicka?

Rainbow: Meh, whatever.  Go for it.

Matt: BOW-CHICKA-BOW WOW!

I was hoping that my brother was faring much better.

Rainbow: Much... better?

Matt: Better than being praised by your nation’s sovereign ruler?

Rainbow: This character could win the lottery, while being buried under adorable kittens and puppies, whilesaving the known world from a bomb and narrating her best-selling autobiography, and she’d stillfind a way to moan about it and make it negative.

Time passed slower than anything. When Celestia was finished with her inspection, she told me to go to the guest room in the castle and relax.

Matt: “I had to ask somepony how to do that, though.”

Rainbow: “I relaxed once.  It was awful.”

It was comfortable, I’ll admit that, but I was starting to worry about my family and how they were fairing.

Rainbow: Is this the 90% dead family?  Yeah, I bet they’re fine.

Matt: Maybe they were all at the State Fair or something.  Because otherwise, she’d wonder about how they were faring.

As I was starting to turn towards the window to stargaze,

Matt: Wait, so it’s nightall of a sudden?  I’m getting whiplash from this story.

which kept me calm, the door opened and there stood my younger brother, smiling.

Rainbow: How dare he smile!  Doesn’t he know the world is wretched and miserable?!

“Hey there,” he said. “I’ve got great news! I’m to be one of Luna’s guards, and work in rotation with someone on Celestia’s guard, but they don’t know who yet.”

Matt: Gee, I just wonder...

Rainbow: *sighs*

I smiled at him and chuckled.

Matt: Of course thatis the thing that seems OOC to me.

I then noticed a Cutie Mark on his flanks-A dragon surrounded by a flame aura.

Rainbow: He literally lived for his entire childhood without a cutie mark?  Yeesh, maybe the Crusaders dohave something to worry about.

He grinned at me.

“I found my specialty-fire spells,” he said.

Matt: “They were under the couch!”

“Found it while you were being inspected by Celestia. Since our parents never gave either of us a name, I decided to take up the name “Dragonstorm” to match my Cutie Mark.”

Rainbow: *snorts and chokes, falling over the side of the couch, coughing and laughing*

Matt: You have gotto be kidding me.  Who the hell doesn’t nametheir freaking children?  Maybe nopony liked our hero in school because she didn’t have a cutie mark or a freaking name!

Rainbow: And that’sthe name he picks?  It’s like letting a five-year-old name themselves.

Matt: Did the name come with tribal tattoos and a douchey fauxhawk, or is that optional to add later on?

I smiled and the two of us sat down and stargazed for several minutes. Once we had finished, the two of us turned and were preparing for bed, with Dragonstorm taking the bed and me taking the floor

Matt: What a noble brother he is, putting his sister on the freaking floorfor the night.  Not even a couch.

when there came a knock at the door.

Rainbow: What a forward knock, just coming up to your door like that.

“Come in,” Dragonstorm said.

Princess Celestia came in and looked at me. She had a gleam in her eye that I didn’t know at all.

Rainbow: Well, to be fair, you only mether an hour ago.

Matt: That gleam came from the fact that after Celestia heard what name her brother chose for himself, she laughed herself to orgasm.

“After some deliberation with my sister, we agreed that you would be great to work in guard rotation with your younger brother,” she said.

Matt: Because that makes sense.  Militaries loveto put siblings in the same unit.

Rainbow: Who cares?  It’s not like they have any next-of-kin to notify if something happens.

“Luna would like you to take up night duties tomorrow night.

Rainbow: I’ve heard of on-the-job training, but never for a soldier.

Matt: I can’t wait for the first time they have to use a grenade.  That would be hilarious.

As for your younger brother, I will request his appearance in the main hall.”

“Yes, M’Lady,” we said.

Matt: Because a “lady” is a thing that exists in Equestria shut up.

Rainbow: Maybe it’s a contracted form of “malady”, and they’re saying that Celestia makes them sick?

“You best get some sleep, both of you,” she said.

We agreed and settled down to sleep. My mind drifted off to the thought of being one of the Princess’s Elite guards. I didn’t know what Dragonstorm was dreaming of, but he was snoring contentedly.

Matt: The bastard.

Rainbow: Bet that bed was comfortable.  Hope you sleep well.  I’ll just be here on the floor, shivering!

When first light came, Dragonstorm was out the door and trotting to the main hall, where he was to meet Celestia and accept official duty.

Rainbow: Unfortunately, he was disqualified from the race.

Matt: Everypony knows you have to wait for the fourth light before you start the race.  It’s red, red, red, thengreen.

I sleep for another twenty minutes before I yawned around and finally woke up.

Matt and Rainbow: HOW DID I USING TENSE?

Once I had cleaned myself up,

Rainbow: That floor was hella dusty.

I headed off to the headquarters of Celestia and Luna’s guard units. It was there, that I would receive my orders and my armor.

‘At last!’ I thought. ‘Proper work at last!’

Matt: Okay, so, I’m figuring at least eighteen years old, no name, no cutie mark, and no JOB up to now.  I can see why she thinks that she’s perfect.

Rainbow: *eyerolls*

I wasn’t like most ponies, who preferred to take things easy. I had an incurable itch to be busy

Rainbow: Well, this is news to us.  Yet again, we haven’t seen this pony doanything aside from sitting and stargazing out of a window.  That’s literallythe only thing she’s done so far.

and often times that got me bullied about and even laughed at, saying that I was way too crazy for this world.

Matt: Where the hell does she live that a pony who likes to work is seen as insane?

Rainbow: I’ve seen a World of Cardboard before, but a World of Strawmen is a new trick to me.

I would do my best to ignore them, but it started to be picked up by that one “uncle” who I hated.

Matt: Holy crap, he’s back!  I’m stunned!

When the news was told to him, he finally left, saying I was nothing.

Rainbow: ...

Matt: ...

Matt and Rainbow: WHAT?!

Several days later, he was found, in a ravine, dead.

Rainbow: *snorts* Of coursehe was.

He had been in such a temper that he lost his footing and being an Earth Pony, he had no spells or wings to save him.

Matt: *doubles over laughing*  I can’t even.  This freaking story.

Rainbow: I know right?  Let’s sum up:  A pegasus filly who never did anything and yet apparently still has a burning need to be busy disappoints her uncle so much by not being lazy that he forgets how to walk and dies in a hole, has almost all of her family die offscreen, and gets accepted into Celestia’s guard corps because she’s an orphan.

Matt: It’s just so... awful!

Me and my brother didn’t shed any tears, seeing as that “uncle” never talked with my younger brother and was nasty to me.

Rainbow: Convenient excuse is convenient.

With him gone, we could focus on our jobs.

Matt: That we got because of reasons.

However, we weren’t through with shocks and blows.

Rainbow: That really just sounds like the worst, kinkiest weekend ever.

Matt: Isn’t that supposed to be myline?

Rainbow: Yeah, well, I can’t let you have allthe fun if the story’s gonna be this bad.

Three days later, me and Dragonstorm were summoned to Princess Luna’s chambers.

Matt: For reference, apparently her name is “me”.

For her to summon us herself was unusual, seeing as she had plenty of messengers, but for her to summon us to her quarters alone was out of the ordinary.

Rainbow: They would know this, having been employed at the palace for all of eight hours.

“What did we do?” Dragonstorm asked me.

“I don’t know,” I replied.

I knocked on the door.

“Come,” came the reply.

Matt: That... is a gloriouslybad line.  It might just be the most spectacularly awful thing I’ve ever read.  It’s practically meta.

I gently pushed open the door and Luna stood, tears in her eyes. I glanced around, no Celestia.

Rainbow: Homicide, I’m calling it.

Confusion mounted like trash in the landfill until Luna spoke.

Matt: This isn’t a trollfic, right?  These similes aren’t intentional, right?  Right?

“It’s about your parents and baby sister,” she said, wiping tears. “They’re…dead.”

Rainbow: Weren’t they already dead before?  Or was that some other“most of my family” who were already dead?

Matt: Make up your freaking mind, story.

Nobody said anything. Silence and pain made themselves known.

Rainbow: Probably by walking up and telling each character in sequence that they were supposed to be sad.

Dragonstorm buried his face under my chin and began to cry. Luna was losing a battle of holding her tears back. I simply stood, rooted to the spot. It took me several minutes to find my voice.

Matt: “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit...”

“What happened?” I asked.

Matt: “The author decided that your life wasn’t stupidly, implausibly sad enough, but he can’t write actual conflict or drama, so this is what you get.”

Rainbow: Deal with it, yo.

“Their train ran into a landslide. Their coach was completely crushed and there were no survivors from the accident,” she said. “Celestia has gone to inspect the scene.”

Rainbow: Speaking of which, why is Luna sad?  She’s known these ponies for all of eight or nine hours in one’s case, and about four minutes for the other one.  And I don’t believe for a second that this is the first time she’s had to tell a pony this news in the last few thousand years.

Matt: Seriously.  How about a little professional detachment, eh, Luna?  We knowthe nameless protagonist is a walking Sue-shaped box of cliches, but could you not reinforce the notion at least?

I nodded, then listening to my brother’s sorrow, I turned to Luna.

“May I request some time off?” I asked. “To help comfort my brother and see him through this whole ordeal?”

“I can grant that,” she said. “You two are going to need each other right now.”

Matt: Why the hell not?  I mean, it’s only your first freaking day on the job, why wouldn’t you need time away?  You wanna schedule some vacation next week while you’re at it?

Rainbow: But, how will she survive without working constantly?

Matt: I’m guessing the same way she did for the lasttwenty years or so.

I thanked her again and lead my brother to our room, where he was placed on the bed. I stayed with him, letting him cry on my shoulder. I didn’t let it bother me on the outside, but I was completely torn up on the inside.

Rainbow: Crying is too mainstream for Nonconformitist Pony.

I waited until he was done and after speaking softly to him, I let him go to bed and I decided to go out and stargaze on a hill near the castle.

Matt: Good, good, that “need to stay busy” is really helping you along.

Sitting under a tree, I looked up and sighed. I had been hoping for the best and instead I got the worst.

Rainbow: You wouldn’t know the “best” if it kicked you in the snout, you navel-gazing pile of simpering emo.

I let my head drop down, as the night air wasn’t clearing my head. Slowly climbing to my feet, I saw Luna coming towards me.

“Clearing your head?” she asked.

Matt: Did you read the previous sentence?  Can you see the Matrix?  Are—are you GOD?!

I nodded. She stopped and sat down, then beckoned with one of her wings for me to do the same. I did so and she looked at me.

Rainbow: I know stuff shouldseem like it’s happening here, but all I can think of is that stupid emo fic we did where Twilight takes forever to die.  “Luna sat down.  She told me to sit down.  I sat down.”

Matt: It’s either a lesson on conjugation, or the writer hasn’t made it beyond “See Dick Run” yet in school.

“I want you to remember something,” she told me. “Your family who cared for you maybe gone physically, but they’re with you in your heart.”

Matt: Convenient, because they were never there in physical form at all.  Literally, we know nothingabout them other than they used to exist, sorta.

I smiled faintly, but I started to feel my position in the family now. Being the oldest meant that I had to not only look after myself, but I had to look after my younger brother and make sure that everything was up to scratch. The responsibility overload began to show and Luna encouraged me to take things slowly.

Rainbow: No you don’t, the plot will conveniently allow you to never experience these things unless he wants you to look pitiful and distressed.

Matt: That’s disturbing when you put it that way, but I can’t exactly dispute it.

“You’re under a lot of stress and pain from the news of your family’s tragic death,” she said. “I still want you to take it easy for another few days.

Matt: You’ve just been working waytoo hard.  I mean, first you stood there and let Celestia look at you and apparently make passes at you, and then you went to sleep!  Stop and think about yourself for a change!

From there, I’m going to tell my sister to have you put on light duties. As you recover, bit by bit, we’ll move you both into full time rotational duties.”

Rainbow: The first thing in this story that’s been logical!

I agreed and we walked back to the castle, where we parted ways. Dragonstorm was sleeping, but his cheeks were redder than his bright red coat.

Matt: How?  Was he on fire?  Did he swallow a flashlight?  Is he genetically part ambulance siren?

I could still sense the pain lingering over him like a mighty weapon of destruction.

Rainbow: Weapons of mass destruction linger over people?

Matt: Why do I get the idea this writer just lovedFinal Fantasy 13?

Being the caring big brother that I was,

Matt: Woah, woah, woah, back that train up.  Did this character just change freaking gender?

Rainbow: That’s not even a “he/she” error, either, that’s a full-on fuckup.

I gingerly moved him with my magic, climbed into bed and let him curl up next to me. Being a big brother wasn’t all serious, it had it’s tender moments tied to it as well.

Rainbow: If only we’d seen some of that tenderness LAST night when you spent the night on the freaking floor!

Days passed and the wounds were healing, but it was still going to be a long process.

Matt: Clever.  A competentauthor might have shown us that sort of healing happening, but that’s awfully mainstream.

As we showed signs of making headway, we were placed on light duties. Dragonstorm worked along Thestrals while I worked along side other Unicorns, Pegasi and Earth Ponies.

Rainbow: Other... how?  That wording seems to imply that Me isn’t a pegasus.

My superiors were  Staff Sergeant Blazewinds and Lance Corporal Ice Blade. Both were rather nasty to me, because I was a simple Unicorn with a memory that makes all filing systems look outdated.

Matt: Okay, so now he/she isn’ta pegasus?  What the actual fuck, man?

Rainbow: And is that another new power with no precedent that exists solely to make the protagonist look good compared to everypony else in the story?  I think it is!

Matt: The Wall-O-Sue™ is more checkmarks than white space at this point.

They did anything to just mess me over.

Matt: Because the Anti-Sue must alwayshave a reason to be angsty and whiny!

Skipping my promotions, putting me on all odd duties, giving me days off that I didn’t need. You name it, they did it. I took it in stride and learned to live with it.

Rainbow: Of course, he cried him-or-herself to sleep every night while fantasizing about cutting, but that technically qualifies as “living with it”.

According to some local gossip, Dragonstorm was making friends with Princess Luna’s guards, which are Thestrals.

Matt: Which is a thing that means something shut up.

To me, that was a surprise, mainly because Thestrals were uptight and had a tendency to be rather closed off to outsiders.

Rainbow: I think our protagonistis just making crap up, not just the author.  This is the most unreliable narrator I’ve everseen.

Then again, he was more outgoing and willing to make friends than I was.

Matt: Making friends would get in the way of his “My Chemical Romance Time”.

All my time in the Canterlot schools built up a brick wall exoskeleton, with no cracks.

Rainbow: This guy’s metaphorical emo bangs reach to the floor, dude.

When I worked night shifts, I was approached by some Thestrals, one of which was easy going.

Matt: Which, we remind you, was weird because they’re all pricks.

One thing about him was that he tended to choose his words carefully and it started with him and I going out to the local doughnut joint in Canterlot when on break and he’d break down my walls while we ate doughnuts and drank cocoa.

Rainbow: Dear.  Celestia.  What in Equestria is that monstrosity of a sentence?

Matt: I’m really hoping that “he’d break down my walls” is a euphemism, because otherwise this is just freakin’ boring.

One bitterly cold night, a few days before Heartswarming Eve, he and I were at the local doughnut joint. We had the night off and I decided to repay his kindness by buying the doughnuts and cocoa.

“I wanted to ask you something rather personal,” the Thestral said. “If you don’t mind?”

“Go ahead,” I said.

“What were your parent’s like?” he asked.

Matt: My parent’s what?  Their clothes?

Rainbow: Their eyes?

Matt: Their bank accounts?

Rainbow: Their hideous screaming death?

I took a deep breath and after hiding the pain,

Matt: My God, he’s like Batman.  Except somehow less interesting in every way.

Rainbow: All he everdoes is hide pain.  He’s so good at it that we can’t see anyevidence of pain in his life whatsoever!

I explained at how they were the sweetest pair of ponies that anypony could have ever asked for.

Rainbow: Offscreen, of course.

“Now, I want to ask you why you refuse to show pain and let other ponies help you? Friends are the best healing method I know of,” the Thestral said.

Matt: “But Papa Roach taught me that it’s not cool to heal!”

“Well, given how cruelly I was treated when I was in the Canterlot School System

Matt: Anecdotally.

and how many of the residents of the Crystal Empire treated me and my younger brother,

Rainbow: Allegedly.

seeing as we’re not crystal ponies, I decided that having friends would be a bigger burden than it was worth,” came the reply.

Rainbow: You know, we reallyonly have Me’s word that any of this actually happened, and given how he described himself as a FILLY and a PEGASUS earlier on, I’m not inclined to believe that any of it is true.

He nodded gravely, then said that I should attempt to make friends. This was something that I didn’t want to do, but I figured that if I made friends, then maybe things would look up.

Matt: Lolnope.  NO LAUGHS NOW, ONLY TEARS.

Of course, the two of us had hit it off and became good friends. He introduced himself as Battery Sergeant Major Shaydefire.

Rainbow: Just how many freaking ranks are there in this army?

I introduced myself as Peon n No-Name, seeing as I was never given a name.

Matt: Are you fucking kidding me?  That’s seriously the best you could do?

Rainbow: How about Sir Whiny Bitchpants?

Matt: Useless Von Crybaby?

Rainbow: Emo McEmoEmo?

Matt: He’s the emo-est!

From there, things were looking up. I was given the unofficial name of “Dipper” as he noticed my tendency to “dip” into other duties.

Matt: Okay, that has gotto be a euphemism.

Rainbow: Why does everythingin this story happen offscreen with no explanation?!

However, things were also crashing down around me.

Matt: Really?  You sure about that?  I’m just not sure I can accept such an unforeseen twist!

Rainbow: Seriously, who could have seen this coming?

My two superior officers when I was on guard duties for Celestia kept giving me the unpleasant duties and would pass me up for promotion, promoting guys who couldn’t find the broadside of a barn if they were locked inside.

Rainbow: No reasons given, of course.

Matt: With just a little reading between the lines, I can guess that it’s because he keeps notdoing his job and wasting time with otherponies’ jobs.  You know, because he has to stay busy and all that.

Rainbow: Or maybe because he was recruited for a job with absolutely no practical or demonstrable skills or talents?  Or even a motherbucking name?

The newly promoted dim bulbs loved to get physical and assault me, while the superiors looked the other way.

Matt: Wow.  Even in the Bible, Job didn’t have it as bad as this guy.  I’ve read plenty of implausible stuff in my day, but this not only takes the cake, it shoplifts an entire bakery.

‘If they’re happy, why stop?’ I thought one night, after being so warmly bashed about for doing my duties.

Rainbow: Why... stop...  Is he suggesting that he should letthem beat him up because it makes them happy?!

Matt: Wow.  I think I would actually like to show this author something that’s really worth being mopey about.  I’m sure suburbia’s plenty rough, man, but he’s got more than a few things to learn about life.

Shaydefire decided enough was enough and after my brother came back with his front left leg broken, he decided that a deputation was necessary.

Matt: His brother now?  What the hell?  Did he make the mistake of telling them the stupid name he picked out for himself?

After telling me and my brother to take the night off, he was gone for some hours.

“Do you think we’ll be fine in this kind of environment?” Dragonstorm asked me. “Constantly being battered about?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I really don’t know.”

Rainbow: I’m kind of hoping it doesn’t change.  I’m starting to agree that they might deserve it.

Matt: An author can only expect the audience to accept so much in a character before they just give up and say “You know what?  I’m withthe antagonists now.Fuck this dude.”

It tore me up having to say that, as I always had the answer to any problem and could make it better,

Matt: Ah, there’s that offscreen perfection we keep hearing so much about.

but this blocked me at the start line. As I was thinking of a way around the blockage, Shaydefire returned and was beaming.

Rainbow: You should flash your brights at him, get him to turn those things down.

“Princess Luna and Princess Celestia are coming here to see you both,” he said, beaming.

Matt: Again.  Unnecessarily.

“I take it something good is coming our way?” Dragonstorm asked him.

Rainbow: Death, if there’s any mercy for us.

I was reading the Thestral’s face and he was hiding nothing. I smiled in reply and thanked him. He stood by the door and waited. Soon, the two princesses appeared and after Luna healed Dragonstorm’s leg, she and Celestia looked at us and asked us to explain everything, which we did.

Matt: Wow.  Thank God there’s no chance of any sort of suspense, intrigue, interest, engagement, drama, or subtlety here, or else I might actually start to pay attention to this story!

Rainbow: Yeah, we really dodged a bullet there.

“So, I hired disreputable guards to be your superiors?” Celestia asked, her brows lowering darkly. “Luna, time we showed these “superiors” who’s in charge!”

Rainbow: Wow.  Nice to know that the bullies work for an even biggerbully.

Luna agreed and the two left. I didn’t like the sound of that at all. Given Celestia’s banishment policy, I was prepared to see them banished. Instead of seeing them banished, we got to make them angry.

Matt: What, did you poke them with sticks?  I’m sure they were never angry before while they beat the living hell out of you, so this seems like a greatsolution to me.

The day before Hearthswarming Eve,

Rainbow: I think this is the only day that exists in the author’s world.  It’s like Groundhog Day, except that instead of chuckling at Bill Murray, I want to die.

Luna summoned us to the conference room. When we entered, there were the guards and superior officers. Celestia was glaring around the room, and after I shut the door, she tore into the superior officers and the guards for poor conduct and disrespect.

Matt: Blood went everywhere.

“I will grant you one more chance,” she hissed. “Blow it this time and say hello to the moon for two thousand years!”

Rainbow: What, were the previous few yearsnot enough of a pattern of behavior for you, Tia?

That scared them stiff.

Matt: BOW-CHICKA—

Rainbow: Oh, give it up.

Luna then turned to me and my brother. She was smiling broadly and passed both of us a sly wink.

“Ready?” she asked.

“Ready for what?” I quizzed.

“Ready to make up for your missed ranks?” she asked.

Rainbow: It’s widely recognized that there’s no one in the entire kingdom as rank as you two!

“Please,” me and Dragonstorm chorused.

She had us close our eyes and wait a few minutes.

Matt: Oh, this just seems like it’s going to be dirty.  Or cruel.  One or the other.

Soon, she ordered us to open them. I looked up and noticed a horn, similar in fashion to a Unicorn, but I could still feel and even see my wings. My brother gained wings, while he still had his horn.

“We’re now Alicorns?” I asked.

Rainbow: *falls off the couch laughing*

Matt: *pounds on the arm of the chair in laughter*

Rainbow: BWAHAHAHAHA!  Oh, no, oh jeez...

Matt: Sure, Twilight took most of a season of searching, but these two get ascended to Godhood simply by getting the hell beat out of them!  Whoo...

Rainbow: Worst.  Deities.  EVER.

Matt: Pussitas, Roman god of getting the crap kicked out of him!

“Yes,” Luna said. “It should make up for your ranks and hopefully give you both a new outlook on being in the guard.”

We thanked them both and smiled sweetly at the seething superior officers.

Matt: I can’t waitto see a pair of alicorns get the hell beat out of them in the next scene.

Shaydefire came and to congratulate us on making up lost ranks, we went for doughnuts and cocoa.

Rainbow: The weeaboo!  It’s over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAND!

He was smiling, feeling pleased with himself. I thanked him for all that he did, even going against superior officers.

“Breach of rules is not a good thing,” he said. “Anyone who breaches the rules deserves full punishment.”

Matt: But what if the rules are breech-loaders?  You have to clear them whenever you enter a building to avoid accidents!

I agreed and we ate our doughnuts and drank our cocoa in contented peace. When we returned, we found that we were now in charge of the Elite guard while our superior officers were on leave.

Rainbow: That’s code for “they quit rather than serve under the world’s wimpiest ponies”.

I was in charge of Celestia’s Elite Guard while Dragonstorm was in charge of Luna’s Elite Guard. With us in charge, we ran them efficiently and made sure that everything was to regulation.

Matt: Despite having no experience and not having done anything in the guard to date that would demonstrate any level of competence.

From there, I gained a reputation for being a rules heavy leader,

Rainbow: He just kept eating rules all the time, gained a tonof weight.

which made me a lot of friends and enemies. That lead to many things, including my time protecting the Crystal Empire (For the basics, check out “Upgrading the Railway Network) and that lead to me getting a Grand Galloping Gala night off.

Matt: Holy hell, did he seriously just plug his own work parenthetically in first-person narrative?

Rainbow: Has this author everread a book before?

Matt: Man, if you thought this was painful and too long, I can only imaginewhat agonies await in that thing.

It was there, after being cleaned up (including trimming my non existent mane)

Rainbow: He has no mane, but it still got trimmed?  How do you even?

and putting on a tuxedo, making me look sharp that I met her.

Matt: Oh, Harmony, no.  Of course.

A cyan colored Pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail named Rainbow Dash, who was fawning over the Wonderbolts, who I thought were nothing more than show-offs and useless as protectors and heroes.

Rainbow: Oh, I want to throw up.  How the hoofdid I end up in this piece of cowflop?

Matt: And, of course, the best fliers in Equestria are hacks and weaklings according to the protagonist!Why wouldn’twe take his word, other than the fact that he has no abilities and gets beaten up by everyone?

Of course, I was rather nervous.

Matt: You should be.  My girl Rainbow could beat the stuffing out of you with one hoof.

Rainbow: *chuckles*

Me and a girl, having a pleasant chat was something I was not used to, but Luna took care of that by asking Rainbow Dash to follow her over to me. She was also looking nervous, but after we looked in each other’s eyes, we began to chat like old friends, and even strolled through the garden, with the moon and stars dancing like ballroom couples.

Rainbow: So... the world’s falling out of orbit?  Why are the moon and stars wobbling around the sky?

“You…look…handsome,” Rainbow Dash forced out, blushing and trying to hide it.

Matt: It wasn’t because she was embarrassed, it was because she threw up in her mouth slightly as she tried to say it out loud.

“You…also…look…stunning,” I replied in kind.

Of course, from there, we began to get to know each other and one thing lead to another and we fell in love.

Rainbow: Wow, I think this guy/girl might just qualify for Black Hole Sue status.

Matt: There’s plenty to make that argument, yes.

From here on out, my chronicler will detail everything about my present life.

Matt: How many laws did that poor pony break to deserve that punishment?

Please, feel free to ask me anything.

Rainbow: What the hell is wrong with you?

Matt: Will you please die?

Dangersignal.

Matt: I still prefer Useless Von Crybaby.

As the fic faded away, I sat, rubbing my eyes with my fingers and moaning in anguish.  I was reasonably sure that I would hit the back of my skull before the pain went away.

Rainbow, on the other hoof, had collapsed bonelessly, exhausted after suffering through that ordeal.  She flopped onto the couch at length, her head dropping into my lap as she stared blankly at the ceiling.

“So,” Luna chirped brightly enough to be annoying, “that was a thing.”

“I’m not even sure about that,” I replied.  “I’ve seen a lotof bad fiction in my time, but I think I can count on my hands the number of times I’d recommend that an author just give up and never, ever try writing again.”

“Yeah, this qualifies,” Rainbow agreed.

Luna smirked.  “Well, you should both know that you took down quite a large opponent today.  That fiction was influencing Equestrian citizens on a level that no other story to date has done, and you defeated it—together.”

I looked down at the rainbow-maned pegasus and smiled.  “Yeah, we did okay as a team.”

She looked up and gave me an amused snort.  “Pffft.  I’d say we were better than just okay.”

“Alright, fair enough, you’re right.  We’re freaking amazing together.”

Luna practically beamed from the television.  “I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

-fin-

[08] End of the Rainbow (clop [anal])

One of the most prevalent scourges we came across in our riffs was the dreaded Mary Sue.  They had all sorts of forms and popped up like weeds in badfics, but they weren't all that hard to take down and the stories themselves were usually enjoyably bad.  So when Luna popped up on the TV and told Rainbow and I that she had a bog-standard "Mary Sue has a meet-and-greet with the Mane6" fic, we were practically giddy with excitement.

The two of us bounded across the room and onto the couch, colliding against each other and laughing out loud.  She gave me a smack with a hoof and I pushed her back, and we were just about to the "roughhousing" stage when Luna cleared her throat.

"Ahem."

We both straightened up.

"Sorry mother," I said.

Luna smirked, adopting a matronly tone.  "Listen you two, mommy has to go out and run some errands.  I am going to leave you with a story, so be good and watch the awful fanfiction, okay?"

"Yes, mom!" Rainbow and I replied in unison.

"And no snacks before dinner."

"Yes, mom."

"And no parties!" Luna said, stifling a giggle.

"Awwwwwww!" we both groaned.

"To be serious, though, this story should not be too bad," Luna said, shaking off her mirth.  "It's called New Filly In Town, and it's nothing we have not seen before."

"Well, let's have it!" I called as Rainbow reached out to smack my arm again.

Luna sighed in mock exasperation.  "Kids these days..."

She flipped the switch and left the screen muttering to herself as the light did its merry dance on the wall.

"WE GOT STORY SIGN!"

End of the Rainbow, by Plotpony

Matt: Um... that's not right.  Luna?  Hey, Luna?

Rainbow: That's weird.

Matt: Did you catch the story tags before they disappeared?

Rainbow: All I saw was the [Human] tag.  I wasn't really looking.

The Ponyville Gym wasn’t usually the kind of place you would visit, but Rainbow Dash had you for the day, and that’s where she wanted to go.

Matt: Aww, second person?  Seriously?  I hate these things.

Rainbow: Ha!  This is awesome; now I get to pretend that this character is youand see how youlike being riffed at.

Matt: *shrugs*  Fair is fair, I suppose.  Remember you're in it, too, though.

You hadn’t been able to spend much time with her as opposed to the other main six since she’d usually been busy with weather work any time you happened to be free. She’d confronted you about it a week ago, convinced you didn’t like her.

Rainbow: Because that makes sense.  You're avoiding me because I'mbusy.

Matt: Maybe I shouldn't have given Pinkie my day planner.  I should have known she'd just fill in every day without asking.

After soothing her fears, you explained yourself and canceled your plans with Rarity to spend some time with her. After her previous outburst you certainly didn’t want to disappoint her, so the gym it was.

Matt: Well, aren't I just the gentleman.

Rainbow: Hey, I play video games with you.

Matt: Yeah, but you lovedoing that.

She flew above you, her strong wings flapping as her primary feathers flowed with the breeze. You tried to keep up, but you were really regretting not visiting the gym more after the first few minutes of jogging along below her. You didn’t consider yourself particularly out of shape, even for your lack of exercise, but it was like trying to keep up with a small plane.

Rainbow: Hey, are you calling me fat?

Matt: Never!

Rainbow: You just compared me to a Cessna!

Matt: Only a one-seventy-two, honest!

She noticed after a while and decided to land, examining you as you tried to catch your breath.

Matt: "Examining"?  That's a bit intense.

Rainbow: If you fail the exam, can you still graduate?

“Wow, looks like I picked the right place huh? You’re pretty slow,” she jabbed your leg with a hoof.

Rainbow: *chuckles*  True story, bro.

Matt: Hey, I'm not built for long distances, okay?

Rainbow: Like, anything over the distance from here to the fridge?

Matt: Ouch, my pride...

You’re pretty sure she didn’t realize just how hard those things could be when force was applied. But you hid the pain well.

Matt: I've always found hooves in Equestria to be rather soft myself, considering that on my world hooves are nothing but keratin.  Yours are still about as hard as a fist, though.

“I guess I can walk, but try to keep up, kay?” she giggled a bit turning to walk away.

You really can’t help it, you take a little peek at her ass as she walks, following behind to the best of your ability.

Matt: Oh, you won Cranky Doodle Donkey in a poker game or something?

Rainbow: Yeah, I just thought he'd be good company at the gym.  Not real sure whyI thought that, though.

Her ass isn’t huge and cushy like Pinkie Pie’s,

Rainbow: Well, if Mulia would quit sampling the deserts she makes, that wouldn't be a problem!

and oddly, it’s not toned and hard like Applejacks despite her athleticism.

Matt: Joking aside, I'm a bit disturbed as to how he knows so much about the asses of various ponies.

It’s right in the middle.

Rainbow: That really seems awkward.  Isn't your bottom usually on your bottom, not your middle?

It’s a pert little plot with just a tiny little jiggle, a little bubble of flesh bouncing along with her hips. You could still bounce a quarter off it, but damn if it doesn’t look soft anyway.

Matt: Fur is great that way.  You could cover an anvil in pony fur and it would be cuddly.

Rainbow: I'm not sure if you comparing my flank to an anvil is a compliment or not...

This isn’t an ass you want to take and squeeze, it’s one you want to hug. It’s frankly adorable. And your lower nature certainly thinks so too.

Matt: I what?

Rainbow: You what?

You manage to look away before she turns to look at you over her shoulder.

“You’re gonna love this gym, it’s got lots of awesome things,” she chuckled. “Well of course it does, I wouldn’t go there if it wasn’t awesome.” she bounced in place a bit, almost Pinkie Pie style. “It’s gonna be...well...awesome!”

Matt: *snorts and claps a hand over his mouth*

Rainbow: Problems there, dude?

Matt: Oh Celestia, I can see it in my head, and it's adorable.  It's just so you.

Rainbow: *rolls her eyes*

You can’t help but smile, you had no idea she’d be so excited to hang out with you, it pretty much makes up for the activity she picked.

Rainbow: Not one for the workout, eh?

Matt: *slaps his stomach*  Maybe back in my school days when I was an athlete, but now I'm just too damn lazy.

Rainbow: You should get back into that.  Maybe we can work something out after this.

The two of you continue to walk, you stealing the occasional glance at her rump as you made your way through town. If you were going to be following her you might as well enjoy it just a little.

Rainbow: *turns to stare suspiciously at Matt*

Matt: What—I never!  I swear!

Rainbow: Well, either way, you'releading from now on.

She starts to bounce a bit as she walks.

Matt: Like a basketball?

Okay maybe a lot.

Matt: Ah, like Flubber.  Thanks for clearing that up, story.

Rainbow: Pony knees reallyaren't made for bouncing.  I have noidea how Pinkie does it all the time.

You finally reached the gym after a few minutes of walking. She paused suddenly with a frown. It was a large building, with various pictures of ponies in exercise positions. But for some reason...it’s dark and empty.

Rainbow: Well, that's the economy for ya.

Matt: Maybe it's a holiday?

“What?...It’s the middle of the day, it should be open...” her face continued to fall as she gets closer, you can feel the disappointment radiating off her as she looks for some sign that there’s been some mistake.

Matt: Instead, she finds a sign that says "Closed by order of the Health Department".

Rainbow: Wow, this is a classy place.

“Aww man...” she kicks the dirt with a hoof, looking down. “This is so lame! It should totally be open, no way would they close in the middle of the day like this. What the heck!?” she sighed, hanging her head. “I guess our hangout day is kinda ruined...I’m sorry..”

Rainbow: The whole day?  Just like that?

Matt: *smirks*  Well, maybe if you'd picked a gym that was closer than a three-hour walk to get to, we'd have time to do something else instead!

Rainbow: *giggling*  See, this is why we don't do anything together; we always end up fighting.

She looks so heartbroken. You can’t just leave...

Matt: But you can't go in, either.  We have reached an impasse.

“Um...wait a minute, let me try...” You walk forwards and examine the door. You really can’t help but blink.

Rainbow: If the door would just stop blowing air in your face for a moment you might not have to blink so much.

Matt: That's just rude.

The door he held close by a plank of wood on the other side of a gate....you can easily lift it even from this side...You guess with hooves the owner figured no one could open it...

You worked your hand through the gate and lifted it with ease, looking back at Rainbow with a grin.

Matt: Oh, yeah, and that was with onehand.  Just imaginewhat I could do with two! *waggles his eyebrows*

Rainbow: *mock swoons*

“Well M’lady, you wanted to spend the day at the gym? Well now we’ve got our own personal one.”

Rainbow: I mean, it was closed by the Health Department, sure, but that's no reason not to go in!

She looked at you reproachfully, pointing a hoof accusingly in your direction. “Hey! That’s breaking and entering, what kind of jerk does something like that! No way am I sneaking in! It’s not right! It’s dangerous!”

Matt: You literallybroke into my housejust last week!

Rainbow: Well, I askedyou for a key.

Matt: Speaking of which, I do finally have one for you.

You’re at a loss for words for a moment, you open your mouth to reply only to be interrupted by her laughter.

Matt: Uh oh, tense is getting shaky.  Better shore up those adjectives, Rainbow.  This fic could cave in at any moment here.

“Haha! You should see your face, heck yeah I want in! The whole gym to just us? I’m not turning that down. Come on!”

Rainbow: Oh, that sounds like a dream.

Matt: Not a fan of ponies watching you work out?

Rainbow: Nah.  It's kinda weird.

Matt: Yeah, I get that.  It's just not the same as it was back in school, when I was one of the mostfit people in the room instead of the least.

She raced past you into the gym and with a laugh you followed.

You found the lightswitch after a moment, flicking it on, it was a fairly large gym, filled with treadmills and hay bales, bucking posts and even a flying course on the ceiling for pegusi.

Matt: Dat comma splice.  Or, rather, dem comma splices.

Rainbow: What's a "pegusi"?

Matt: Don't they make sports cars?

You look around, realizing suddenly that there’s not much for you to do, most everything inside is tailored to equines. Dash has already flown off to test herself against the obstacle course. Leaving you alone on the ground.

Rainbow: What genius thought that an indoorflying course made sense?  It's only, like, ten feet above the ground, and you couldn't get any speed up without plowing into a wall.

You’re really not sure what to do with yourself, the treadmills all have strange pony interfaces you’re not quite sure how to work and the barbells appear to be fitted with mouth grips...

Matt: Yeah, the treadmills are all fourth-dimensional hypercubes instead of flat conveyor belts in Equestria.  You know, to accommodate ponies.

Rainbow: And a mouth grip is just a padded handle.  Seems like a hand would work just fine for that.

you’re not quite sure how far Equestria goes for sanitation, but you’re not quite willing to test it either.

Rainbow: I think the sign on the front door answered that question well enough, thanks.

So you decide to just stand there, watching Rainbow as she flies through various hoops and loops, around poles and under boarders, testing her agility as she goes faster and faster.

Matt: Ah, now thisis my kind of workout.  Watching someone elsework up a sweat.

You really have to admire her body,

Matt: I do?

Rainbow: What, not good enough for you or something?

Matt: Of course it is, I just resent being forced to do things.

through years of training it had become a finely tuned instrument for her will. She could stop on a dime, change directions on a moment and fly through the course almost faster than your eyes could track.

Rainbow: *buffs a hoof against her chest smugly*  Damn right, I can.

Every time she slowed you could not help but notice how the muscles bunch and relax with every beat of her wings. When she opened those feathery appendages to slow for turns, you couldn’t help but particularly notice how she used her legs as rudders to comb through the air. The flesh of her thighs tensing like coiled springs before releasing sending her bubbly little plot bouncing with momentum as she shot off in the opposite direction.

Matt: *shifts awkwardly in his seat*

Rainbow: Problems, buddy?

Matt: Um, not yet.  *mutters*  Give it time...

It was quite a show.

Still...she didn’t bring you to the gym just so you could check her out while she works out. That would just be creepy, still there’s little else for you to do.

Rainbow: Oh would it?  Do you think?

Matt: What, you think it doesn't happen when you perform?

Rainbow: Dude, don't make me think about that right now.

She finally notices how lost you are and flies down to land in front of you, a little blush on her cheeks.

“Heh...sorry, I guess I didn’t think about your....size, when I picked this place.

Matt: *eyebrow waggle*

Rainbow: *facehoof*

Didn’t mean to leave you hanging.”

Matt: *waggling intensifies*

Rainbow: *double facehoof*

Matt: Man, if this fic doesn't let up, I'm gonna sprain an eyebrow or something.

She looked around for something you could do together. “Um....Oh! How about you spot me? With those hands of yours you’d probably be better at it anyway.”

Matt: I'm still not feeling like it's worth my being here.  Not really working up a sweat, you know.

You blinked, not quite sure what spotting a pony would entail but hey, it had to be better than standing around. “Alright, what do you want to do?”

Rainbow: Here's your binoculars and Pony Spotting Fieldbook.

“Well, help me do a few stretches”

She positioned herself in front of you and your jaw almost dropped, she streached like a cat,

Rainbow: I have no idea what "streaching" is, but damndoes it sound painful.

Matt: Almost as painful as this grammar.

arching her back inwards, her plot tensing, the muscles obvious. That bubble wans’t all bubble,

Rainbow: What's with the "bubble" metaphors?  I'm a professional athlete, dude!  I'm toned as all get out!

Matt: *nods* Truth.

Rainbow: HA!  So you havebeen checking me out!

Matt: *pauses, realizing he'd been trapped*  There's no way to respond to that without digging the hole deeper, is there?

there was muscle in there too. Hell this filly could probably crack a walnut with those things.

Matt: *winces*  I'm really trying to not think about that, because there's just no way it isn't painful.

“Just place your hands on my back and stand to the side, I’m going to do some bucking exercises, get my legs loose.”

*Matt and Rainbow go silent, looking off into the distance as they try to envision the position described*

Matt: Back...to the side...why?

Rainbow: I'm not seeing the point here.

You snap out of your trance. She’s concentrating on the far wall. Thank God, otherwise she would have noticed you checking her out so blatantly.

Matt: *scowls* This fic is really going to drive this point home, isn't it?

Rainbow: *frowning at Matt*  Are you offended or something?

Matt: Oh, no you don't, you're not trapping me again.

“Um...okay...”

You step to the side, placing your hands on either side of her back. You can feel the muscles along her abdomen, and that tiny bit of adorable give in her belly.

Rainbow: Through my back?

She’s soft, like she’s covered in peach fuzz, but you can still feel the skin underneath, hot from working out.

Matt: Peach fuzz it ain't.  Fur that thin wouldn't do jack against the temperatures at altitude.

Rainbow: *shifts a little in her seat*  Yeah, that'sthe problem here.

“There we go, make sure you’ve got a good grip, don’t drop me okay?”

Rainbow: Merciful Harmony, this is cheesy.  And blatant.

Matt: You don't think...  Nah.

Rainbow: What?

Matt: Well, Luna sent us the wrong story.  I'm just desperately hoping that she didn't screw up the rating, too.

Rainbow: *stares at Matt, her eyes wide*  Aaaaand, it just got uncomfortable in here.

You tear your eyes away from her body to nod. And then, she lifts her hind legs.

Your eyes are drawn right back to her ass, the soft flesh bunching up for a moment as gravity falls out of the equation,

Matt: Oh God, it is.  I just know it.

her petite frame drawing it back into two perfect little spheres that hoover

Rainbow: Odd, but useful.  This place could use a good hoovering.

Matt: Maybe if they'd cleaned at all before now, they wouldn't have gotten shut down by the Health Department.

and jiggle for a moment before her legs kick out. Those same tendons and muscles drawing taunt, her thighs shaking with force as she kicks backwards, the force of it making you hold her a little tighter.

Matt: *shifts again*  Why does thishave to be the first fic we get to do descriptions even decently well?

She bucks out a few more times, your eyes never leaving her ass as it shakes under the strain. The cheeks turning red to match that perfect blue as she begins to work up a sweat. Glistening under the lights of the gym ceiling. They looked so firm yet so...squeezable...soft...

Unfortunately that sweat makes her slippery.

Rainbow: Are you serious?  We're really going there?  I thought this plot device was banned under the Geneva Convention.

Matt: I never thought the day would come when I would long for the simplistic straightforwardness of "I'm here to fix the cable."

She lets out a rather unflattering yelp as your left hand loses it’s grip, the force of her buck sending her spinning towards you.

Matt: Physics!  What can'tit do?

Rainbow: Well, that, for one.  I kicked in a straight line and glitched through the floor, apparently.

Your leg came out from under you as the force takes you by surprise.

Matt and Rainbow: HOW DID I USING TENSE?

WIth a yelp of your own you fall to the gym floor, thankful for the matt,

Rainbow: *snorts*

Matt: Oh, come on now, that'sjust unfortunate.

while it’s not the softest thing in the world, it’s better than the hardwood floor.

Rainbow: *reaches over and pokes Matt in the stomach*  I'll say it's softer.

Matt: Hey!  *pushes her hoof away*  Don't make fun of my pudge!

Speaking of soft things, Rainbow’s ass has landed squarely on your chest.

Matt: Cracking several of my ribs.

Rainbow: Really, dude?

Matt: What?  You weigh almost three-quarters of what I do.  That would freaking hurt, no matter how short the fall!

What little chub there was spreading out along your abs, not very far at all from your face, her prismatic tail tickling against your chin.

Rainbow: Please don't sneeze on my backside, dude.  That would just be gross.

Matt: Wouldn't make the room any worse off, though.

Rainbow looks confused for a moment, she turns around, looking for you,

Matt: Really?  You can't realize that you're sitting on me?  I'm six feet tall—hardly inconspicuous.

Rainbow: I think the fact that physics just reversed itself to let me end up on top sort of broke my mind for a moment there.

which does very interesting things to her cheeks as they rub against your chest. You can feel every facet of that adorable little plot as they shift around. You’re quite thankful she’s not extremely heavy, the motion forces a bit of air from your lungs, but nothing too bad.

Matt: I mean, breathing inis a never-ending agony with those broken ribs, but still, I hate to complain.

She freezes, you can feel her body stiffen, not unpleasantly above you. Her blue body turning a shade of red. She slowly turns her head down to look you in the eye.

“OHMYGOSHOHYMYGOSH!!” she yelled.

Rainbow: Apparently the Wonderbolts just walked in.  Sorry, Matt, but you're out.  Dash has got bigger fish to fry!

She was off you in a flash, and you suddenly notice how cold the gym is for the loss for her warmth.

Matt: You don't exactly qualify as "blanket-sized".  Not sure the warmth was as all-encompassing as we're being led to believe.

“I’m SO sorry! I mean I just wanted to come here, and work out,” she says, talking a mile a minute. “Maybe show you some of my moves, get to know you a little better, you know, because I like you and...” Suddenly she goes from red to crimson. “I MEAN NOT LIKE LIKE...” she pauses. “Well....maybe a little...b-but I....YOU DIDN’T HEAR THAT.”

Rainbow: Now I have to kill you so you don't tell anypony.

Matt: I'm flattered, Rainbow.  Unfortunately, I'm also slightly flatternow as well, so if you could just get me to a hospital, I'd be most appreciative.

Rainbow: *blushes and punches Matt in the arm*  Will you quit making me sound fat?  Sheesh...

You stare at her for a moment, unsure how to respond.

She looked back, suddenly aware that it was all out in the open. She rubbed one foreleg with the other, looking at her hooves, still blushing furiously. “I...I mean...I...”

Matt: Awww, you're just too cute when you're flustered.

Rainbow: *snorts*

You get up, and walk over to her, blushing a bit yourself. “Um...I think I know what you mean...” You smile.

Matt: "I likeyou like you, Flint!"

She looks up at you, and, seeing your smile she smiles back. “Y-you do?”

You nodded. “I do...” you placed a hand on her chin and tilted her head up a bit more.

Rainbow: "Sorry, but you've got something in your teeth.  It's really bugging me."

And that’s when she flipped you over her shoulder and slammed you to the ground.

Matt and Rainbow: *winces*

Matt: Da fuq?

Rainbow: Well that was... random.

Stars swam in front of your vision. You’re really not quite sure how this kind of thing usually goes in pony circles, but you’re fairly certain body slams aren’t usually involved.

As your vision clears you see her smiling above you, a bit of her old confidence back.

Matt: Okay, but that doesn't explain why there's suddenly three of you, Dash.

Rainbow: Crap, I hit him too hard...

“Then let’s have some fun! Rainbow Dash style, I saw some pony wrestling in the town square the other day,

Rainbow: Yes, and they're in jailnow for doing thatin public!

I’ve been dying to try it out...I wasn’t going to do it with you since...well that’d be awkward if I didn't know you liked me...but” her blush returned a bit. “Since you do...”

Matt: Rainbow, you realize that when your mommy and daddy told you they were wrestling, they weren't actuallywrestling, right?

Rainbow: Dude! *punches Matt in the arm again*  Harmony, but you are awful sometimes.

She jumped up and landed on your stomach, she wasn’t all that heavy but it still knocked the wind out of you. Her plot squishes against your belly, those adorable little blue bubbles compressing like cushions against you.

Matt and Rainbow: *shift awkwardly in their seats*

You try to keep your blush to a minimum...but hey if she wanted to wrestle...

Matt: Are you sure I can't call a "time-out" until after I've healed up a bit?

You smiled a crafty smile and rolled over, Rainbow yelped as she was thrown to the ground.You rolled on top of her, your arms going around her plush little belly to hold her.

Rainbow: Who you callin' "plush", story?

Matt: I can vouch for you on that respect.  Your abs are like cinder blocks.

Rainbow: Thank you.

Matt: Again though, covered with pony fur, so still cuddly.

“Hey!”

You chuckled. “Well you’re the one who picked someone three times your size, with opposable thumbs as a wrestling partner.”

Matt: Threetimes her size?

Rainbow: I reallyhope you're just bad at estimating, or I get the feeling that this is about to get a lot more uncomfortable very quickly...

She wiggled under you, trying to get free. Well...that was an interesting sensation.

Her rump happened to be right at crotch level.

Matt: Which would apparently put her head about the level of my chest, it seems.

Of course you’d have to wear thin gymshorts today.

Rainbow: Why would you wear those ever?

Matt: No kidding.  I don't even ownany basketball shorts from the 1970s.

You can feel her lieth,

Matt: *strikes a Shakespearean pose*  One canst not trust a booty, for they always lieth.

Rainbow: But dem hips don't lie, right?

practiced muscles tensing under that nice little layer of fat, right up against you. She wiggled back and forth, up and down trying to get out of your grip, that slightly raspy voice of hers in your ears as she makes the cutest little sounds of struggle.

You really couldn’t help but get excited.

Rainbow: Okay, I realize this is going to sound weird no matter what, but I'm almost offended here.

Matt: Almost?

Rainbow: Not about that.  I mean, yourealize that I'm female, right?

Matt: Of course.

Rainbow: And yet, this version of you can apparently only focus on my ass.  I know I'm a tomcolt, but sheesh.  It's a bit upsetting that my bestasset is going unappreciated.

Matt: *blushes intensely*

And of course...she couldn’t help but notice.

Matt: Of course?  Well, I suppose if I were actually three times your size, that might make a pretty big difference.

Rainbow: Aww, come on.  You're not bad off.  You can't compare yourself against a stallion, dude.  I'm sure you could do things that no pony cou—

Matt: Dashie, buddy, you might recall that we agreed that we would notbring that up again.  Do you need anotherlecture about respecting closed doors in someone else's house?

Rainbow: *sorts and rolls her eyes*  Males...

She stopped wiggling,and it just so happened the little tent in those shorts was poking directly between those blue, soft hills.

There’s silence for several moments. Oh God, you should say something.

Matt: "So, how about those Yankees, huh?"

Rainbow: Thinking of baseball at a time like this?

Matt: It's necessary.  Just trust me.

“I-”

“Are you gonna take those pants off or what?” she says, a little too quickly, even with her underneath you you can see the deep blush on her cheeks.

“W-what?...” is all you can manage.

Rainbow: You don't catch on very fast.

Matt: I really don't, it would seem.

“You’ve been staring at my ass all day...apparently you like it...”

Rainbow: I mean, you've put, like, five hundred words into describing it alone.

She turned to look at you over her shoulder, she was...smiling a little, was she trying to be seductive?

Matt: Oh God, that's adorable.

Oh God, that’s adorib-

Matt: Hey, that's what I said!  Only it's spelled wrong.

Any thought process you might have had was interrupted as she gave her rump a little wiggle, the tent in your pants roaming over the left cheek, then the right.

“Well...wanna get rid of them? This place is closed...”

Rainbow: Yeah!  And I remember whyit's closed, too!

Matt: I wouldn't take my pants off in there for fifty bits.  Who knows what I might catch?

You couldn’t move fast enough.

Matt: The clock struck midnight and I turned back into a pumpkin.

Rainbow: Should have moved faster, dude.

You managed to wiggle out of your shorts while holding onto her with a hand, she gives a shy laugh as you struggle with them, the waistband sinking down, but in the process you had to let her go. You did not realize just how much of a mistake that was until several seconds later.

Rainbow: Apparently you just now noticed the security cameras.

The second your pants drop you get the wind knocked out of you as she slams backwards onto your lower chest, her ass hitting you like a pair of beanbags fired from a cannon.

Matt: And again with my ribs.  How about some advance notice here, eh?

Rainbow: Wasn't the backup beep enough of a warning?

Matt: I wasn't aware your wings even hada reverse gear.

You hit the wall, pinned by her her plot as she lowers her forelegs and keeps her rear ones high, your erection pinned right between her cheeks as she starts to wiggle.

“I don’t like losing at wrestling by the way, so I’m going to show you just how good I am at it.”

Matt: *grimaces awkwardly*  I've heard of angry sex, but I'm not sure about competitivesex.  Doesn't sound all that appealing to me.

Rainbow: *slightly flushed*  I dunno, I could get used to it, I think.

Matt: Somehow, I'm really not surprised...

She starts to move her ass in a more direct focused manner, the softness of her blue cheeks caressing against your member from all angles, the marshmallow plot making you squirm against the wall,

Rainbow: Marshmallow?  Woah, woah, woah; who the hell invited Rarity to this fic?

Matt: What, you don't feel like sharing me?

Rainbow: Cute, dude.  And no, not really.  Certainly not with her.

Matt: *blushes*

though you can’t hope to escape, she’s an athlete and her strength is suddenly quite obvious, the pressure of that blue bubble butt tells you you aren’t going anywhere.

Matt: Yeah, I mean, I'm only three timesher size, how could I possibly free myself?

Rainbow: Why would you want to?

Matt: I didn't say that.

Your cock is totally smothered in the deepest hotdog you could possibly receive,

Matt and Rainbow: *grimaces*

Rainbow: I know humans have some weird euphemisms for sex, but under nocircumstances does that sound sexy.

Matt: Agreed.  It makes me think that someone's about to eatmy—why am I thinkingabout this?

you can’t even see it under her pressing plot. She jiggles and bounces those adorable blue bundles of flesh against you as she looks over her shoulder.

“You ready?"

Matt and Rainbow: "Nope."

You can only nod weakly and try not to moan.

In that very second she lifts her ass, only to slam it back down against your hips, your cock entering her asshole to the hilt.

Rainbow: *screams and throws her hooves between her legs protectively*  Oh, BUCKING HELL!  *falls off of the couch to roll on the floor*OW OW OW OW!

Matt: *winces and curls up*  Sweet mother of pony, that just ain't right!

Rainbow: *from the carpet*  Oh, Harmony, not even any foreplay!

Matt: I don't even want to think about how much damage that couldhave caused to both of us if you had missed even a littlebit.

Rainbow: That would cause pretty extreme damage to meno matter what!  Dear Luna, I mean, that would hurt from you, but if you were three TIMES my size?!

You’d expected her slit, but no, she knew you liked her ass,

Rainbow: Yeah, that's what I was saying earlier.  I suppose it makes more sense now that I know I'm apparently a masochist!

and she was planning to use it, it was so unbelievably tight, she grunted as she did it, moments before it turned into a moan.

Matt: And then a whimper, and then crying, and then a request for a trip to the hospital due to all the internal bleeding.

Your own sounds join in harmony with hers, everything about her speaks of athletics, she controls that ass of hers with precision and grace, she was fast and hard, and so to would htis be,

Matt: Oh, God, here come the typos.  The author's getting too close to his climax to bother proofreading now.

Rainbow: *slowly crawls back up onto the couch, still curled into as small of a ball as she can manage*

she pulls up again leaving only your tip inside, moments before slamming back into your groin sending your balls shaking about at the force of it, pressing you back agaisnt the wall again,

Rainbow: *winces*  Man, I really think you might be dead now, after all the abuse your chest took earlier.

there would be no escaping this until she was good and ready. She gyrates and thrusts up and down riding you as you can do nothing but clench your hands against the wall and cry out at the pleasure. It doesn’t take you long.

Matt: Even though in reality, the friction from that first thrust would have damn near torn the skin off of my—holy fuck, why am I thinking about these things?!OW.

You cum in seconds.

Matt: Don't you dare laugh.

Rainbow: Are you kidding?  I may never laugh again after this.  Hell, just thinkingabout sex hurts right now.

She pauses, your cock still inside her ass, and those cheeks still pinning you to the wall.

“And I thought I was fast...” she commented, moments before she starts again.

Matt: BA DUM TISH

Rainbow: Obvious joke is obvious.

The result is the same, the tightness, the softness, the speed and skill of her, you cum again...

Matt: Wat.

and again...

Matt: WAT.

and again,

Matt: WAT.

Rainbow: Okay, I may not be a very experienced mare, but even Iknow that males can't just "get up and go" like that.

Matt: Hell, it's even worse for human males.  A pony might only have a refractory period of a few minutes, but a human could take up to an hour.

Rainbow: Bummer.

Matt: Nah, that just means more time for cuddling afterwards.  That's the best part anyway.

she leaves you howling on the gym wall

Matt: Yeah, in pain.

Rainbow: Apparently it's "death by snoo-snoo" for you.

and never lets you rest, you wanted an athlete and you got one.

Matt: *grizzled soldier voice* I wanted an athlete, and for my sins, they gave me one.

It seems like hours, but your mind becomes a haze,

Rainbow: Seriously.  I think you're dying.

Matt: Seriously.  I think I'd wantthat around this point.

you can hardly think as pleasure overwhelms your mind. Somewhere around the 10th time, she finally comes,

Matt: Good.  God.

Rainbow: Okay, I get that sex is nice, but if I actually did that it would be straight-up cruel.

her back arching and her wings flaring out to either side as she squirms on the floor, her ass moving against your hips.

The sight of her so pleasured is too much.

You black out.

Matt: Dehydration, exhaustion, and copious amounts of bleeding will do that to a man.

Rainbow: *grimaces and shakes her head*  Dude, dude, dude, dude!Gah!No!

When you finally open your eyes it’s nighttime,

Rainbow: Having finally blown his load—

Matt: Literally andmetaphorically...

Rainbow: —the author completely gives up on error-checking and just falls asleep.

the gym is still there, but where is....

Matt: My chest?  Why can't I feel my chest?

You look up to find her fast asleep on your stomach, snoring lightly. You can’t help but smile at that, you reach up and stroke through her rainbow colored mane, this had been an interesting day to say the least...You chuckle, and then stop immediately as she opens one eye.

“Oh good you’re awake.”

Rainbow: Because that was a serious concern after that ordeal, right?

You nod. “Yeah...I needed, some rest after that.”

Matt: I'd need a comaafter that.  Along with about a gallon of orange juice and three pounds of Vitamin D tablets.

She smiles. “Oh, so you’re rested?” Her face takes a competitive edge. “Then it’s time for round 2...”

Rainbow: Well, that confirms it.  He died.  This is hell.

Matt: Ironic punishments are the worst.

The fic faded to black and Luna's typical room reappeared on the screen, but sans the nocturnal ruler's face.  It seemed fitting, considering how there was an almost unearthly silence on our end of the line, too.

Rainbow and I sat as far away from each other as we could possibly get.  I dunno about her, because I couldn't bring myself to look, but I don't think I've ever felt more awkward and embarrassed than I did right then and there.  I'm sure you could start fires by getting too close to the heat coming off of my face.

I heard a clattering of hooves approaching the screen, and Luna skidded to a halt in front of the camera.

"Well, you two, it seems that you—why are you both sitting so far away from each other?"

We said nothing, not even acknowledging the screen in the least.

"Hello?  Rainbow?  Matt?"

Reluctantly, we both slowly turned to look at the TV.

Luna huffed.  "I swear, what has gotten into you both all of a sudden?"  She started looking through files on her desk.  "One would think that you two had just—oh motherbuck."

The sheer absurdity of hearing Luna swear so bluntly shook me out of my trance.  "What did you say?"

Luna looked back up, and now her ears were flat against her head and she had a burning blush.  "It would appear that I have made an error..."

"DO YA THINK?" Rainbow blurted out.

"I apologize.  I did not mean to send you that story."

I frowned.  "Well, that's good to know, but why did you even haveit in your—"

"Perhaps we'll get to the original fiction next time," Luna quickly piped up, cutting me off.  "For the moment, I suppose you two have earned some time off."

Rainbow and I both looked at each other, our eyes wide, before taking off in opposite directions.  As we each slammed a door behind us, Luna sighed.

"Nice job, Luna.  Now they'll probably neverget together..." she muttered before switching off the TV.

-fin-

[09] The Tour (ft. Simon O'Sullivan)

My house was almost silent.  It had been so for two weeks straight.

Somehow, this near-silence was worse than the real thing.  It was a tense, uncomfortable sort of quiet, the kind that fills a room where two people are trying very hard to not acknowledge each other.  In this case, though, it was one person and a pony.

Rainbow and I hadn’t done a story riff in half a month.  Hell, we’d barely even spokensince then.  The last riff had left us both so messed up around each other that any attempt at conversation quickly broke down into barbed remarks and hurtful words, so we just avoided it altogether.  Of course that’s never solved anything, I knew that, but somehow it was just too painful for me to bear having Rainbow against me.  Thus, we had this tense standoff between us, with our nerves only growing more raw with time.

A body can only play so much Minecraft, though, so I almost jumped out of my computer chair in glee at the first real distraction to come our way.  Thankfully, it was a biggy, and it came with a very recognizable noise.

*vworp vworpvworpvworp VWORP VWORP*

I walked over to the window and peered out, glancing around to try to locate the source of the uncannily familiar noise of a landing TARDIS.

“Well,” I said, “At least they had the decency to land outside this time...”

I heard a knock on the door, and I suddenly realized just how different knuckles sound on a wood surface than hooves do.  Simon O’Sullivan was on the other side of that door, without a doubt.  I walked over and pulled the door open, only to goggle in disbelief at what I saw.

Outside, where I had expected to see a large, intimidating man with a flowing beard in chain mail and leather sporting more sharp metal than a dentistry school, I instead saw a large, mostly-unassuming man with barely a five o'clock shadow, decked out in a hawaiian t-shirt and cargo shorts.

“Simon?  That is you, right?”

He grinned back at me.  “You have no idea how I’ve missed this place!  You haven’t changed a thing since I was here last time.”  He gave his fuzzy chin a scratch as he looked over the room.  “Okay, save for the massive hole in the back wall, but honestly, that just had to go.”

“To be fair, you were just here a few months ago,” I replied, trying to catch up with everything my brain was telling me.  “Dear Harmony, man, how long has it been for you?”  I waved a hand at his form.  “Shaven?  I used to identify you as ‘That guy who was attached to the huge beard’.  And where’s the armor?  Are you not fighting monsters anymore?”

“Simon?  Is that you?”  Rainbow trotted over from the kitchen, trying discreetly to look around the human. “Dude, what’s up!  Is Drakkar here, too?”

“There you are, my dear friends!” he greeted Rainbow with a large smile.  “Two years have passed for me since we last saw each other, traveling worlds and dimensions.”

I grinned.  “Two years?  Wow, I’m gonna have to start keeping a diary if we keep running into each other like this in the future.”

Simon shook his head.  “Things are as crazy as usual.  Drakkar is not with me right now; his kids are a bit too demanding of attention these days, especially the newborn twins.”  I didn’t miss the way Rainbow failed to hide a pout at the news.  Simon didn’t seem to notice as his smile grew even more.  “But I did bring a companion with me.  Just fresh from our honeymoon, actually.”

“Honeymoon?  You’re married?  Dude, that’s big.  Who’s the lucky lady?”

“Lucky mare, actually.I’m sure you know her.  Well, technically you know anotherher, but you know how these dimensions work...”  He leaned back around the doorway, back towards where the TARDIS was apparently parked out of our sight.  “Cup Cake, sweetie, come on over!”

My eyebrow shot up as the co-owner of my favorite sweets shop walked slowly over to Simon’s side, giving him a tender nuzzle as she glanced around at the outside of the house.  “When you mentioned we would be traveling far away, I kinda expected something the likes of the Crystal Empire, if I have to be honest.”  Something in my mind wanted to snap at the unnatural feeling of seeing a pony who wasn’t the same pony that I saw almost every day around town.  It was like I could feel the time-space continuum starting to flex dangerously just from the two versions being in such close proximity to each other.

It wasn’t the only thing I could feel, either, as Rainbow glowered straight through my back.  I tried to offer up a smile, but I was sure it came off awfully weak.  “Oh, so you married a pony, huh?  That’s cool, dude.  That’s cool.”

Simon scoffed at me in his typical good humor.  “Hey now, you’re a close second for that from what I remember last time we met, so no judging me.”

Rainbow snorted, her disapproval to that comment easily understood.

“No no, honestly, I’m not saying...”  I sighed, slapping a hand over my face in mortified embarrassment.  “You know what, just ignore me.”  I stepped forward, hoping to negate any damage I’d inflicted as I gave Cup Cake a heartfelt shake of the hoof.  “I’m happy for you two, I honestly am, and I hope you two are happy together, too.”

“Yeah, I mean, like, to each their own, right?” Rainbow muttered.

I turned and scowled at her.  “Rainbow…”

Cup cleared her throat.  “So these are the friends you have been insisting on visiting.  I recognize Rainbow Dash; who is this human?”

Simon clapped a hand on my shoulder.  “Matt’s his name, and he is a great friend of mine.  We have fought together in the past—he and Rainbow both.  I was going to say that they are a fantastic team, but I have to admit that something seems rather off here.”

I shook my head.  “Man, I’m all over the place today.  I’m sorry, Cup, I keep forgetting that I don’t already know you.  All this multiverse stuff really messes with my head.  It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Rainbow threw herself onto the couch, lounging back against the armrest as I welcomed the pair inside, closing the door.  “So, what brought you two together?” she asked.

Simon nodded, glad to reminisce.  “Long story short, I hit a dimensional vortex while traveling with the Doctor.  It threw us to an alternate dimension of Ponyville, almost identical in every way, with only slight differences in the history.  Nothing too big, but noticeable nonetheless.  We saved the day, I decided to stay vigilant on the dimension to deal with a rift that kept throwing up fanfic monsters—”  He sighed, perhaps a bit wearily.  “That’s why I hate Earth vacation periods; everyone has more free time for writing, and a lot of what comes out is horrible.”

I nodded knowingly as Cup picked up the tale.

“After several months had passed, he seemed to be rather interested in me, and he was a common patron at the bakery I own.  It didn’t take too long until he asked me out, and almost two years later he asked for my hoof.”

I thought it rather prudent to notbring up how she was married with kids—and Pinkie—in this world.

“Pretty much that, short version and all,” Simon concluded.

“Now that’s romance if I’ve ever heard it,” I said.  “So, you two just looking for some downtime, or a fic that doesn’t fight back, or what?”

“Riffing is a bit... different now,” Simon said.  “I still travel with the rest of the crew, but with Cup Cake here waiting for my return, I admit I have been more cautious and more eager to keep safe distances.  Drakkar’s a married stallion, so he understands, and the Doctor has nothing against that either.”

“Yeah,” I replied, “if there’s one thing the Doctor has ever been good at, it’s coming up with new companions when he needs them.”

“The fact that there’s still an active rift in Cup’s dimension means that I can stick around without getting too bored, but I still have plenty of time with her.  We’ve just finished resting after the honeymoon, but I miss just sitting in front of a bad story to point and laugh at it without worrying for my safety.”

Cup Cake rolled her eyes in good humor.  “Good thing I learned about that before marrying him; he has quite a… unique sense of humor sometimes.”

“Oh, I totally understand,” Rainbow chimed in.  “You should see what I have to put up with sometimes.”

“What youhave to put up with?  Do you know how long it takes those bruises on my arms to fade?”  I snorted in irritation, rubbing my eyes as I tried to refocus myself on positive emotions.  “I can’t even...  Okay.  You know what?  We have been falling behind lately.  Maybe a good ol’ riffbait story will get us out of this funk.”

Cup leaned over to Simon.  “You said they weren’t a thing, but they really behave like an old married couple,” she muttered.

Simon snorted, amused.  “A fic sounds great.  What did you have in mind?”

I started to call out a fic, but stopped short as I realized my mind was utterly blank.  “...You know, I don’t even know anymore.  Rainbow, has Luna been on lately?”

Rainbow stretched her neck out, peering at the screen of the laptop that was now connected to the television by a cable.  “Um, she hasn’t been for a few days, but I think she might actually be online right now.”

“Alright, go ahead and make a call,” I said, sweeping an arm towards the couch in invitation.  “If you’ll join us?”

“Honored, as usual,” Simon replied, taking a seat on the edge of the couch and patting his lap invitingly.  I had to mentally catch myself from laughing and the sheer awkward adorableness of the gesture from someone I mostly pictured in my head as being covered in exploded fanfic demon bits.

Cup eagerly trotted over and hopped onto Simon’s lap.  “You sure you are comfortable, dear?”

“Very!”

I took the last remaining space, in the center of the couch.  I glanced at Simon and Cup trading a tender nuzzle, suddenly very aware of just how much space there was between Rainbow and I.

The call chime cut off and Luna appeared on the television, the picture fading and brightening slightly as Luna’s webcam metered the light in her chambers.  “Good afternoon,” the Princess of the Night answered.

Cup Cake gasped, trying awkwardly to bow without actually being on the ground.  “Sweet Celestia, it’s Princess Luna herself! Such an honor being in front of her!”

“Honor my flank,” I replied, scoffing at Luna.  “That psychotic mare is the reason I had to start putting up with these stories in the first place.”

Far from being offended, Luna merely stuck out her tongue at me.  “Nyah.”  We both had to laugh.  “I must admit that you were right, Matt, I much prefer this ‘Skype’ method of chatting.”

I rolled my eyes.  “I much prefer you not being able to surprise me with a video chat anymore when I’m walking around in a less-than-dressed state.”

The Princess of Trolls returned my eyeroll.  “Yes, well, as that may be, I take it you’re interested in a story to riff, since you have guests over and sitting on the couch?”

“You got it, your Highness!” Rainbow chirped, apparently all but itching for something to focus her anxious energy on.

I glanced over at our guests.  “Has Simon explained how this all works, then?”

Simon nodded a bit uncertainly.  “Uh... yeah, pretty much.  I mean, I’ve told her about my previous adventures and such.  I think she’s got the basic idea from that.”

I nodded at the warning light as it started flaring ochre.  “Well, we’re about to find out,” I said.

Rainbow pumped a hoof.  “Let’s do this, ponies!”

“WE GOT STORY SIGN!”

The Tour, by Baron

“Leg One”

Matt: Is that trying to imply more chapters?  This thing was marked “complete”, I thought.

Warm water rushed up from the bottom of the tub and engulfed Fluttershy’s aching body.

Rainbow: Should we have knocked before coming in, story?

Simon: I feel like we’re missing something that would have been awesome to see.

Cup Cake: Or horrifying.  Poor Fluttershy.

Simon: I have seen Fluttershy portrayed as an expert dominatrix.  I refuse to believe she was on the receiving end unless I have foolproof evidence of it.

The mare let out a long, heavy sigh and shut off the faucet.

Simon: “Faucet?”  Alas, she’s speaking fancy!

Cup Cake: Sweetie, I use that word all the time.

Simon: That doesn’t mean I know what you try to tell me when you say it.

The steady, low beat of raindrops on the roof above her soothed her tired nerves. It was times like these, resting after a long day taking care of the animals, when she felt satisfied with life.

Matt: That is soa feeling I know.  Long showers are the best.

Rainbow: Seriously, do you ever get out of those things?

Matt: Hey, my house, my rules.  Besides, I don’t have to pay a water bill here like I did back home.

Working with wildlife was rewarding in itself,

Simon: Yeah, cleaning a stable while the horse decides to stormshit all over the place is really satisfying.

Cup Cake and Rainbow: *Stare furiously at him*

Matt: Dude, I socould have told you that was coming...

Simon: What?!  It’s true!  On Earth, horses don’t use the restroom!

but time off was always a nice bonus.

Rainbow: A day off?  Does the wildlife just stop eating?  Does she power them down in the closet for the weekend?

Eating a nice, calm dinner and then soaking in the bathroom; it was sort of like the spa trips she was fond of taking with Rarity.

Matt: Come to think of it, fanfictions do seem to have ponies spending an inordinate amount of time in water.

Simon: I think that they’re talking about another kind of trip.  Those spa ponies use some weird herbs there.

She closed her eyes to the low lights and began to drift off...

Rainbow: She drowned.  The end.

Matt: It’s like an Evanescence song up in here...

really hate when you say that, regardless of the context.

Matt: Hashtag: awkward, bro.

A loud knocking at the front of the cottage rang through the dull patter of rain. She was alert at once; looking around she couldn’t tell whether any time had passed at all in the dark room.

Rainbow: No lights at all?  Good thing she didn’t lose the soap or anything, she’d never find it again.

Cup Cake: How long has she been there?

Simon: Dunno, but she must be wrinkled as hell.

In any case, Fluttershy knew that anypony or anything coming to her at this hour had to be in some sort of trouble.

Matt: But what kind?  Legal?  Financial?

Rainbow: Parental?  Emotional?

With a disappointed moan, she unstopped

Simon: Unstopped?  Why does he insist on making up words?

Matt: I suppose you could make an argument that it technicallymakes sense, but...

the bath and stepped out, drying herself roughly with a quick wing shake and towel swipe. Walking through rooms quickly, she stopped to turn on some lights and check the clock.

Rainbow: Since she was still drippingwet, she was shocked by the lightswitch.  The end.

Past midnight; she’d only been inside for an hour or so. She looked through her front window but could see nothing through the rain.

Matt: Rain either comes down in wall form now, or this story is taking place in the middle of Hurricane Katrina.

Simon: They must be selling canoes out there.

She unlocked the door.

Cup Cake: The floor pushed her inside.

Simon: You already want to kill her too?

Opening it with a slow creaking noise, she peeked out into the dark.

Rainbow: Don’t do it!  This is always how the Land Shark gets in!

Nopony was there. She looked from side to side, with no better results. Hm. She closed the door and locked it again. Maybe it was just her im-

Clanging noises and hoofsteps interrupted her thoughts. They were coming from behind her.

Rainbow: The knocks are coming from inside the house!

Simon: Is Fluttershy playing knock knock jokes on herself?

Fluttershy spun around to see shadows at the back of the cottage, somepony moving around in the dark.

Matt: Wait, didn’t she just turn the lights on?

They were in her house! A frantic fear raced in her heart; who or what would sneak into her cottage in the dead of night?

Simon: Probably any of her nocturnal animals?

Cup Cake: She’s an animal hoarder in this world as well?

Simon: I think the word is “caretaker.”

She was paralyzed with terror, standing in front of the door while her mind raced uncontrollably. Maybe it was a robber, or a murderer, or something even worse...

Matt: “Hi, I’m from the Equestrian Revenue Service, and I’m here for your tax audit...”

Doors opened and shut in the shadows and behind walls.

Matt: Why are all the doors opening?  Is the ghost going through her clothes?

Simon: Where is her house built, under an indian cemetery?

Rainbow: Under?

Simon: ...I’ve seen some shit.

Cup Cake: Won’t you admit you just misspoke?

Simon: Never!

Cup Cake: *frowns*

Simon: *sighs*  Oookay, my bad.

Then she heard thumping on the stairs. It was going upstairs!

She slowly and quietly moved to the back of the cottage.

Rainbow: Yes, go furtherinto confined spaces!  Good choice, Flutters!

Simon: Pink-haired fillies always so stupid in horror movies.

Cup Cake: Excuse me?!

Simon: You’re magenta, dammit!

Cup Cake: Hmpf… you’re learning.

Simon: Pure survival.

The window over the tub was hanging open; how could she have forgotten to lock it?

Matt: And why is somepony outside your bathroomwindow while you’re in the tub?

Simon: I could give you an answer, but you wouldn’t like it.

She could hear movement upstairs, opening and closing bedroom doors, lights flicking on...

Rainbow: This is the most schizophrenic ghost ever.

A part of her wanted to run, to get help, but another, even more frightened part of her was too shocked to even think straight.

Simon: So she started having lesbian thoughts?

Rainbow and Cup: *smack Simon over the head*

Matt: See, dude?  Riffing with mares is painful.

The noises started moving above her head, back towards the stairs. She was suddenly gripped in indecision and fear, and her heart beat faster and faster as the unknown intruder came closer and closer, down the stairs, around the last landing and into the light-

“Fluttershy!”

Cup Cake: How can Fluttershy see absolutely nothing but whoever this is can see her?

Simon: I don’t really question that kind of thing anymore.

“EEEEEEK!” The scared pegasus dropped to her knees and cowered. She knew this was bad, she was going to die-

Matt: Worst.  Surprise birthday party.  Ever.

Rainbow: Of all time.

“Fluttershy, it’s me, Dash.

Simon: I expected Pinkie.  I am not sure if I should be happy or disappointed.

Cup Cake: I would be angry at being scared like that.

Simon: Yes, no more butt-grabbing monster pranks, I got that when you bucked me in the stomach.

Where have you been? What’s the matter?” Rainbow Dash bent down to examine her friend. Even for her, this was sort of unusual...

Rainbow: “I mean, the lasttime I broke into your house at midnight and started going through all of your stuff, you were totally cool with it!”

Simon: What are friends for?

Matt: Heart attacks, apparently.

Fluttershy gradually stopped shivering and then opened her eyes a little to assure herself it was really the familiar blue flier.

Cup Cake: Was that really necessary? Couldn’t the author just say “Rainbow Dash?”

Simon: They fear using names too many times, so they make up stuff all the time.  At least there was no heavy alliteration here.

Matt: The dreaded Lavender Unicorn comes in many guises.

Her nerves calmed. Standing up, she felt herself blush at being so silly and overreacting. Rainbow would probably laugh at her, maybe wouldn’t want to come over anymore, maybe-

“Come on, Fluttershy. You didn’t answer and the front door was locked.

Matt: She had a whole eight seconds or so to respond, so I can see why Rainbow would get impatient.

Rainbow: Seriously?  Are you reallygoing to make this a thing right now?

Matt: ... Jeez, Dash, relax.  I wasn’t even talking about you.

Simon: Uh… everything alright?

Matt and Rainbow: *give Simon a meaningful glare*

Why are you so upset?” Rainbow Dash was still looking at her.

“I, I was just scared. You came in through the bathroom window and all... I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad. I won’t be scared anymore, I promise.”

Rainbow: New, Fluttershy, with advanced Stockholm Syndrome action!  “Don’t hit me, I won’t be scared anymore!”

“Well, I’m not mad. It’s alright. I just wanted to see if you were ready to go in the morning.”

Fluttershy’s ears perked up. “In the morning? What’s happening?”

Matt: Oh, sun comes up, the air gets warmer, occasionally a pony wakes up... Same ol’ same ol’.

“We’re taking a trip, duh. Everypony but you, apparently, has been excited all week. Wait... Did you really forget? Oh, that’s just too funny!” She began to chuckle.

“Just wait until the others hear about this! You, forgetting, the vacation that was your idea in the first place, oh man.”

Simon: Okay, it’s official; we’re missing something important here!

Cup Cake: I would quite mad if somepony forgot the trip they wanted to go on.

Simon: You were taking care of my injuries back then; you wouldn’t expect me to go rock climbing with a plastered leg, right?

Cup Cake: We never made plans to go again, and I was so looking forward to it.

Simon: Okay, we’ll do something about it when we’re back, jeez!

Matt: ...

Rainbow Dash’s laughter was painful to the other mare’s already low self-esteem. She blushed more deeply than before.

Rainbow: Oh, come on, I’m not heartless!  I wouldn’t laugh atmy friend like that.

“I thought that... I thought it was next week,” she squeaked.

“Didn’t anybody tell you? We moved it up because Big Mac’s birthday is the week after next. Now hurry up and start packing, we only have a few more hours until we have to leave!”

Matt: Wait, wait, stop the fic!  This needs to be analyzed.

Cup Cake: So Rainbow Dash basically laughed at her best friend in her face for not knowing about a change of plans nopony told her about?

Matt: Not basically, that’s exactlywhat just went down here.  Fluttershy suggested a group activity, that everypony else then changed, and expected her to know about it.

Rainbow: On topof which, they’re apparently leaving on this trip at two or three in the morning?  We were just told that it was midnight when Das—I, whatever—barged into her home.  What train runs at that time, much less who would be waiting for it for a vacation?

Matt: *glances at Rainbow*

Rainbow: *returns the look*

Matt: Yup.  This is what we’re in for, guys.

Matt: Transition drin—ah, dammit, I forgot the liquor again.

Twilight was being Twilight again.

Matt: Well, she’s had so much practice at it, why change things up now?

Simon: Maybe yesterday was Topsy Turvy Day?

While the minutes ticked by she paced back and forth at the departure platform, checking the time and staring into town with a frown. The sun was already up.

Rainbow: At three in the morning?  Either Celestia’s on a bender or this version of me has a really weird definition of “a few hours”.

It was getting late. The train was going to leave with or without them, and she for one wanted to start out their trip on schedule.

Simon: For ONE? Jesus, having sex with that mare must give anxiety. “Okay, after all my schedule is done, we have two breaks of three minutes. You better come already with an erection because I won’t be able to off you otherwise. Stick to the schedule, you know!”

Why, oh why had they not made plans to meet up the night before?

Matt: Because everypony assumed that getting Fluttershy at midnight would be warning enough?

Spike should be able to watch everything while they’re gone, right? Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were both running behind, Celestia knew what for. It had been all laid out, everypony else was ready-

Rainbow: Yeah, and then you changed the week you were going.Dur.

“Hey! Look, there they are!” Pinkie Pie suddenly shouted out behind her.

Cup Cake: You don’t yell at three in the damn morning!

Simon: Tell that to the crazy hobo that comes late at night to scream at the square next to where I live.

Twilight turned to see the pegasi making top speed towards the depot, flying straight across town. Fluttershy was hauling a lot more luggage than Dash; that mare had never been one to pull her own weight!

Matt: First person—narrative in third—person story... *clutches his head*  Owwwwwww...

Rainbow: And on top of that, I’m not actually sure which pegasus it’s talking about.  I’m assumingit’s about me, but Fluttershy is the direct object of that sentence, so it’s... just wrong.

As the two landed, one somewhat more precariously than the other,

Simon: And THIS is where I have no idea who the author’s talking about.

she felt relieved.

Rainbow: Ewww, jeez, Twi!  The bathroom’s just right inside the station!

Matt: *scowls* Dammit, you beat me to that one...

It looked like they would be making it after all.

That’s when the whistle blew and the Manehattan Express began to pull out of the station.

Matt: Oh, comedy smash cuts, you never cease to be amusing.  I’m expecting a laugh track next.

“Buck!

Simon: I honestly can’t take ponified insults seriously. It’s like hearing threats from an Italian. They sound so sweet and goofy.

Why are they leaving?! Hey, HEY!”

Matt: It’s for horses!

Rainbow: We’re ponies, dude.

Matt: I—you—crap.  So close...

Twilight took off in the direction of the locomotive, leaving her bags behind.

Cup Cake: Even if she does stop the train, she’s going to have to get those back.

Simon: And delay the train even further.

The others exchanged surprised glances and then galloped after her.

Steam blew and tracks clattered. The Express was on full thrust.

Rainbow: Warp factor five!  Make it so!

How could they leave without them?

Matt: Very easily, it seems.

It would only have taken a minute or so to board.

Simon: Yeah, but that shit starts running at the exact time, so if you aren’t up, you’re screwed. Also, not even a warning? No classic “aaaall aboaaaaard!” or nothing?

Twilight could see the conductor watch her through a window, shrugging. How dare he!

Rainbow: *laughing*  Oh, wow.  That is stonecold.

Matt: And not a single buck was given that day.

She could see the wooden platform’s edge a few yards ahead; she only needed to go a little faster to be able to jump onto one of the cars!

Simon: Or… you know, you canfucking teleporton one of those!

She breathed heavily, her legs pounded hard, but she just couldn’t build up enough speed, and a few seconds later she flew right off the edge and into the dirt.

Matt: WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Rainbow: I want this made into a fan movie.  This is glorious comedy, right here.

As the platform fell out under their hooves, the other mares came to a sudden stop at the edge of the station.

Twilight pulled her face out of the ground, expression furious. No rogue train was going to keep her from this vacation! She concentrated intensely, and her horn began to glow with a passion.

Matt: Woah, I didn’t know this was that kind of a fic.

Rainbow: *cuffs Matt in the shoulder*  No.  It is notthat kind of fic.  It will neverbe that kind of fic.  Never again.

Matt: …

Cup Cake: *discreetly looks at them*

She was enveloped in a blinding purple light and then suddenly vanished.

Simon: So nowshe remembers she can do that!

Matt: That might be the most true-to-canon thing so far.

She materialized in the middle of first class and immediately crashed into the back of the car.

Rainbow: Physics?  In myfanfiction?

Matt: It’s more likely than you’d think.

Simon: Especially if it results in pain for others.

Rainbow: You know what?  I’m liking seeing somepony else be the crash dummy for a change.

Startled ponies watched, mouths agape, as she slowly and unsteadily climbed to her feet.

Matt: “No ticket...  Wait, sorry, wrong movie... Oh, concussion...”

Rubbing her forehead, she turned around and stumbled off, heading for the front of the train. More than a few tea trays smashed on the floor as she half-walked, half-jumped her way through the aisle.

“Sorry. Oh, sorry. Excuse- Oh, I’m so sorry.” Twilight muttered to the confused occupants of the car over the sound of breaking china.

How could she be so stupid, forgetting the difference between her momentum and the train’s?

Rainbow: I’m not sure, but it was hilarious.

The throbbing pain in her head didn’t help her situation; it was hard to keep everything in focus.

Matt: Wow, she might actually have some significant head trauma here.  Twi?  How many hooves am I holding up?

She found herself facing the door of the car. Grimacing, she opened it and stepped into the space between cars. Her hair flew around in the wind, obscuring her view of the gap in front of her; she took a couple of steps forward, wobbling dangerously. Taking a leap of faith,

Cup Cake: Isn’t a leap of faith jumping somewhere you can’t see or to something you don’t know what it might be?

Simon: Which is… not the case here, unless you count the “mane in the eyes that I refuse to push away for some reason.”

Matt: She is pretty heavily concussed, though.  Maybe her vision really is just that shallow at the moment.

she managed to cross the space without falling.

Matt: Yeah, that gap of typically less than a foot is pretty intimidating.

Rainbow: “Hop, skip, and jump.”

She leaned heavily on the rails of the new car while catching her breath.

Rainbow: Jeez, do some calisthenics or something, girl.  You have no stamina.

Twilight had no idea how far she was from the locomotive. First class stretched for about five or six cars,

Cup Cake: Just how many rich ponies are in this Equestria?

Simon: Yeah, unless you have, like, two passengers for each car, that’s pretty excessive.

and she could be anywhere from one car away to five. She might not make it before somepony caught her without a ticket to ride. But she had to try.

Calming her heaving lungs and massaging her temples, she entered the car.

Matt: She’s about to walk right out of a window or something.  Somepony get her an ice pack.

“And you persuaded the conductor to stop and turn around, just like that?” Pinkie Pie asked incredulously.

Rainbow: “Did you seriously just skip right past the most interesting scene in the story so far?” I asked incredulously.

It was actually less persuasion and more intimidation, but what her friends didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. “Just like that,” Twilight confirmed.

Simon: Nonono, this doesn’t work that way. She’s a princess, that should be more than enough to just make anypony say “oh, shit!” But… “turn around?” You have ANY idea how trains work?!

Matt: Is this not the pre-princess version of Purple Smart?  I haven’t seen anything about wings mentioned yet, though it would hardly surprise me if the writer forgot about them, too.

They were all sitting in first class with their luggage.

Rainbow: As a punishment for delaying the train, the staff refused to put their bags in the baggage car, like everypony else’s.

Twilight’s head and horn were lightly bandaged up, and she wasn’t going to be using lots of magic for a day or two.

Simon: I WANT to know how that happened, dammit!

Matt: No kidding!  I actually laughed picturing that last scene!  I feel freaking cheated.

Still, it had been worth it. This vacation had been in the works for a month, and everypony deserved it after all the hijinks they had been through lately.

Matt: Gee, I bet thosewould have been interesting to read about.

Rainbow: Hijinks?  Were they with Scooby and the gang?

“Wow! Twilight, you are so awesome! You were even willing to crash into the train for us! You know what this calls for? A PARTY!” Pinkie reached into her bag.

Simon: Here we go again.

Cup Cake: Awww, but you love our parties!

Simon: Yes, but hers have balloons.

Cup Cake: Does my rump count?

Simon: That’s the kind of question that, no matter how I answer it, I will die horribly.

Matt: Hey, is it awkward in here, or is that just me?

Oh no...

Rainbow: Aww, that’s nice, the story guessed what we were thinking.

Matt: Again with the weird internal monologue asides in a third-person story.  Who is narrating this, anyway?

Matt: Metaphorical scene transition drink!  *sighs*

Rainbow: You reallydon’t have anything?

Matt: I’m working on it, but at this point it’s barely distilled and tastes like varnish remover.

Simon: This story keeps throwing at me boring and/or stupid stuff, but refuses to give me the awesome stuff that is implied!  I want to see it!

The rolling countryside of Equestria ambled past in the window.

Matt: I’m so glad the story decided to describe this instead of Twilight assaulting a train conductor.

Rainbow: Hey, the train stopped and now the countryside is running around on its own.  That’s pretty interesting.

Matt: Solipsist train is best train.

Rainbow: That might be the most obscure thing you’ve ever said...

It was a long ride to Manehattan, even on the Express.

Cup Cake: Really?  I used to go there quite often; I don’t remember it being that distant.

Applejack had only walked to the city before, and the train was definitely much more comfortable.

Rainbow: You sure about that?  A train is more comfortable than walking for weeks on end?  I dunno, that’s a lot to swallow, story.

She wondered how much the Big Apple had changed since she was a filly.

Simon: How… old is this fic again?  Because they have been to Manehattan a few times already.

She wouldn’t be lonely on this trip. Not with all her friends. She smiled at the sleeping mares lying about the car.

Matt: Finally, being forced to get up at three in the morning takes its toll.

Simon: Yeah but why are we centered around Applejack at the moment?  We went from Fluttershy then Twilight and now her.

Matt: POV is for hacks, man.

Confetti and deflated balloons were strewn all around them, and more than one face was covered in chocolate cake.

Cup Cake: And know that Pinkie usually cleans all that before he workday ends.  Just imagine the poor parents who have to clean the birthday party’s leftovers when she isn’t around to do it.

Rarity would probably freak out when she woke up to discover all the icing on her pretty little snout... Applejack chuckled quietly.

Rainbow: “Crap, I hope I didn’t just think that out loud...”

Cup Cake: I can see the smile on your face, Simon.

Simon: You have eyes on the back of your head or what?

Though they might be wild every now and then, her friends were always dependable. Looking out the window again, she noticed that buildings and roads were beginning to appear.

Matt: The pop-in on this game is terrible for current-gen graphics.

Everypony awoke at once when the conductor began to talk on the intercom, his voice trembling slightly. “Attention passengers, we are almost to Manehattan terminal. Please prepare for departure.”

Rainbow: He always gets emotional when he pulls in to Manehattan.

Matt: So many memories...  So much pain...

Rainbow: Did she still think about him?

Matt: What if he has just given up on the railroad altogether to be with her?  Why couldn’t he choose?!

Rainbow:  You know what, this is a much better story.

Simon: Are you kidding?  The dust bunnies lying under the seat have a much more alluring story to tell.

“Wha- What happened?” Fluttershy rubbed her eyes.

Matt: “Tango down!  Cover me!  Johhhhnnnnyyyyyyyy!”

Rainbow: And those flashbacks are just from Pinkie’s lastparty.

“Don’t ya’ll worry. Everypony just fell asleep after the party, that’s all.”

“YAY! We’re here!” Pinkie rebounded off the floor with a vengeance.

Simon: “Ah, treacherous floor, this is for hitting my face last night while I was drunk.  I still am, but I remember it, and I hate you!”

Matt: Pinkie Bounce: Revengeance.  Ten outta ten, game of the year!

You could have sworn she hadn’t been sleeping just a moment before.

Simon: Not the kind of mare you can bang while she’s asleep.

Cup Cake: And you better not try it with me.

They all began to gather their bags and clean up. The train slowed noticeably; passengers in the car behind them were moving around. Squeals issued from below as the brakes kicked in, and a platform came into view in the window. When the train came to a stop just a few minutes after the announcement, Applejack dragged her suitcase to the door and pushed it open.

Rainbow: “Are you expecting me to do something about the door?  I’m just a suitcase!”

Matt: Man, those sentence objects are tricksy little buggers.

Blinding noon light flashed in her eyes.

Matt: Okay, noon.  I’ll buy that.  So that means that they were on the train for about eight hours.  Even at a generously slow average speed range of a mere 35 to 55 miles per hour, that still puts Manehattan anywhere from 280 to 480 miles away, and Applejack walkedthat?  As a filly?!  That’s over eight daysof continuous walking at a regular pace!

Simon: And then she returned.  ON FOOT.  AGAIN!

She blinked a couple times before stepping out; the others filed out after her. They all looked around at the tall buildings and busy arrivals near the station, with ponies milling about and plasticine porters rolling luggage in every direction.

Rainbow: The porters were made of plastic?  Like ponnequins?

Matt: Wait, I saw that episode of Doctor Who.  It was pretty freaky.

“Ah, well, isn’t this nice?” Rarity exclaimed. “It looks like we’re in for a fun while on the big town!”

Cup Cake: That depends; how long were you planning on staying here?

“Well, ah, sweetie, ya see that clock up there?”

“Why, yes. What does that have to do with anything?”

“It’s past noon. Our ship leaves in thirty minutes.”

Rainbow: Manehattan, and now a ship?  Where the hoof are they going?

Everypony looked alarmed at Applejack’s announcement. “But- The train was supposed get us here by ten!” Twilight looked like she might pop.

“We were late, and ya’ll made the conductor turn around, remember?” Applejack gently rebuked.

Matt: The train got a whole hundred yards or so from the platform before it hit the brakes!  Did the conductor have to get out and pushthe train backwards for it to put them back by two hours?!

Rainbow Dash flexed her wings. “Let’s go then. The port is only on the other side of town.”

Cup Cake: She is quite optimistic, I will give her that.

Rainbow: As if I couldn’t make it across Manehattan in ten minutes.

The country pony rolled her eyes. “It’s a big town, R.D. And not all of us have wings!”

“Look! Look! Cabs! We can take a cab!”

Matt: Dialogue attribution.  Sometimes it’s notoptional.

They turned their heads in unison the way Pinkie was pointing. Yellow carriages and rickshaws were indeed lined up on the street.

Applejack looked into her bag. “Anypony got some bits?”

Simon: Okay, you honestly can’t be serious.  Emergency money is a MUST!

The carriage careened on a corner of the sidewalk, knocking over a fruit stand and several pedestrians.

Rainbow: Obligatory fruit stand crash!  That should be a cliche in the drinking game.

Cup Cake: “Fruit Stand Crash”, huh?  I think I have an idea for Sugarcube Corner.

Applejack felt sick to her stomach.

Matt: Those poor apples!

Driving a carriage at this speed was one thing, but jostling around in the back of one while an insane cabbie crashed them through every obstacle on the narrow city roads was another.

Rainbow: ...driving?

“Feeling good back there?!” the driver yelled.

Rainbow: Apparently he was very confused, if the double punctuation is to be believed.

She said nothing.

“Yeah!” Rainbow answered.

Who would have guessed that Dash was a cab gal?

Matt: That sounds dirty—and don’t you dare hit me!

Rainbow: *hmmphs*

Simon: We’ve called each other weirder things.

Cup Cake: Ahem…

Simon: Oh, right, sorry.

Applejack could have been sure that all that flying meant she didn’t feel good on the ground. But there she was, sticking her head out the window and enjoying the breeze.

Rainbow: Now if only we could get her to stop barking at all the other taxis.

Simon: If she sticking her tongue out?  That would be cute!

Cup Cake: I don’t remember you using that word when I stick my tongue out.

She for one needed to stick her head out for an entirely different reason...

“Hey, AJ, you ok?”

Cup Cake: That’s some lame rhyming if I ever saw it.

Pinkie looked concerned as she pulled back into the carriage.

Applejack’s face was an interesting shade of green. “For now...”

In the rear window, she could see the two rickshaws carrying the rest of the gang.

Simon: Good to know they had enough money to pay for three of those.

They all looked fine, even at the breakneck pace everypony was going. One of the drivers barely managed to hold her vehicle together as it bowled over a mailbox.

Matt: Fast and the Furious: Manehattan Drift.

Rainbow: Coming never to a theater near nowhere.

Thank Celestia they weren’t sticking around for long; the damages they were incurring, never mind the speeding, could put them all back a few hundred bits.

Rainbow: The Elements of Harmony really aren’t very good role models, you notice that?

Matt: You know, my last speeding ticket put me back almost two hundred bucks.  Equestria is freaking lenient.

“There’s the port ahead!” The driver gestured with his one free hoof.

Huge ships and loading docks loomed down the street, framed by brick buildings on either side.

Matt: Are they going to have to jump the carriage into the ship as it pulls away?  Because that would be freaking epic.

Simon: Either that or they will build a catapult and fling themselves there.

Applejack’s nausea subsided for a moment. None of the boats seemed to be leaving.

She turned to Pinkie. “Well, looks like your quick thinkin’ got us out of this hitch.”

“Hitch? No, silly, this is a carriage. And we’re still in it!”

Matt: BA DUM TISH!

“Never mind.”

Rainbow: We haven’t so far, so I think you’re okay.

The driver jerked back on the reins suddenly,

Rainbow: Reins?  Reins to... what?

Matt: Is the driver driving or pulling?

Simon: Apparently there’s a pony who drives and… other ponies who run?

Matt: That is someta.

bringing them screeching to a sideways stop just outside the port. She clutched onto her seat for a minute, and then jumped out of the carriage and onto firm, sweet ground.

Rainbow: Where she kissed the cobblestones repeatedly.

Simon: I know one of our Popes did that once.  I guess he didn’t have much faith in that airline.

Matt: Now that’sirony.

Cup Cake: That wasn’t really funny.

Simon: It still happened.

Dash hurriedly paid the cabbie, with a generous tip, and grabbed her bags. Pinkie Pie patted AJ’s shoulder sympathetically while at the same time gushing about the exciting ride. Her hyper personality obviously fit in well with the big city rush. The shaken country mare, on the other hand, couldn’t wait to get on the boat.

Matt: Well, I’m glad they had enough bits for the generous tip.  Hopefully they don’t need to rent anything elseto get to the end of the world, or wherever they’re going.

Dash sighed heavily, rubbing a hoof across her forehead as the story rolled yet another transition.  “Okay, no joke, I really do need a drink or something.  I’m calling a break.  Luna, can you put this thing on pause for a few minutes?”

Luna popped back up in the corner of the screen.  “I can,” she replied as the story flickered, waving with weird, disjointed lines running through it.

“Okay, that’sweird,” I said.

Dash didn’t say anything, simply jumping up into the air and flying out the door as quickly as she could, practically slamming it behind herself as she went.

Cup craned her neck around to look at her husband.  “Honey, I have the feeling something… off is going on here between those two.”

I sighed loudly, slumping sideways onto the couch.  “I’m, like, righthere, you know.”

“And I thought you were the more discreet of the two of us,” Simon said, smirking.

Cup rolled her eyes, but didn’t bother dignifying him with a reply.  “So what’s going on, Matt?  Simon said that you and Dash were doing really well.  I wasn’t expecting you and Rainbow to be all over each other like teenagers, but I certainly didn’t expect… well, this.”

“It’s that obvious, huh?  Simon, did you pick it up, too?”

The mare smiled.  “Honey, my husband here is so bad at reading between the lines that I just resigned to bluntly tell him I’m horny and want it.  But I’m a mare, dear, and I can totally see that you two are notokay.”

I facepalmed.  “That is sotoo much information, by the way...”  I sat back up, trying to figure out what I hadn’t been able to put words to all week.  “The problem here is that Idon’t get it, either.  We’ve been like this for almost two weeks now.  The last time we did a riff together, it was super awkward because Luna screwed up and sent us a clopfic instead, and it just... I dunno.  We’ve barely spoken to each other since then.  Every time I try to make conversation, Dash ends up sniping at me, and we get into some huge fight that isn’t even about anything!  Hell, I don’t even know what she’s mad at me for!”

Cup hmmmed thoughtfully.  “Maybe I should talk to her and try and chew it a bit for you.  Sometimes a mare just needs another mare to talk to.”

Simon nodded his agreement.  “Can’t hurt to try.  The sooner we fix this problem you two have, the sooner everything will come back to normal.”

“Whatever normal is these days...” I said unhappily.

Far sooner than I had anticipated, the door began to rattle as the latch was worked slowly and awkwardly.  I was about to go over and see what was up when the door finally opened and Rainbow fluttered in, both her front hooves filled with a pair of large cider bottles.

“Okay, I got us something,” she announced.  “Maybe it’ll get us through this thing.”

I got up, not really sure if I was happy she was back or upset at our little roundtable session being interrupted before I’d been able to figure anything out.  “I’ll grab some glasses.  Anything for either of you two?  Cider’s not really all that powerful, but it’s still worth the effort.”

The yellow-coated mare shook her head.  “It’s alright; I’m not that much of a drinker myself.”

“Yeah, I drink enough for the two of us,” Simon said with a belly laugh.

His wife snorted.  “Onlyfor two?”

“I might get tipsy sometimes, but never enough to get drunk; you know I don’t like going that far.”

I shrugged and headed for the kitchen, returning with a trio of glasses for us to use as Rainbow started divvying out the alcohol.

“Okay, Princess, we’re back,” Rainbow said, suddenly reminding me that the princess had been listening to our conversation the entire time Dash had been gone.  I tried to resist suddenly blushing.  “Let’s finish this thing.”

Matt: Transition drink!

Rainbow: Freaking finally!

“What do you mean, there’s no more room on board?!”

“I’m sorry, Ms. Dash, but we simply cannot berth any more passengers,”

Matt: This sailor was shipped in directly from the 1800s, it seems.  Nice word choice there.

the sailor explained. “Captain’s orders.”

Simon: Okay! Hold on! NO! It’s CRYSTAL CLEAR that they have already booked tickets on the damn thing!  How is this even possible?

Matt: You ask that, but I’m pretty sure that American Airlines overbooks every damn flight they have.

Rainbow Dash gave a quick, angry look back at the others, who were mouthing to her their agreement with the crewmember. No. She would not back down after they had come all this way. They were getting on that boat.

Cup Cake: Even if it involves breaking the law?

Simon: Especiallyif it involves breaking the law!

Rainbow: So... we’re following myPOV now?  I really wish this fic would just pick one and stick with it.

She turned back to the sailor, her expression softening a bit.

Matt: That Manehattan summer sun will just make ya melt, I tells ya.

“Look, we just want to take our trip. What if...” She saw their large pile of luggage in the corner of her eye.

“What if we leave some of our bags behind?” She ignored the surprised noises behind her.

Rainbow: How does that helpthe trip?

Matt: Maybe all those emergency bits will cover additional toiletries, too.  Good thing they don’t have to pack clothes.

Rainbow: Speaking of which, just what isin all those bags anyway?  Or are they all just for Rarity?  Because I’d totally believe that.

“Well... I suppose, I would have to talk with the captain...”

Simon: Where are the adamant orders of the captain now?

Rainbow pulled out a handful of bits.

All: HOOFful.

“And we give a little extra fare?”

The sailor took a short glance around, then scooped the money out of her hand.

All: HOOF.

“Welcome aboard, ma’am.”

Cup Cake: Bribing?

Simon: Bribing!  I know they don’t earn fortunes, but damn, disobeying a direct order from his superior?  How much did she give him again?

Matt: It’s good to know that this shipping company works on the same principles as African military.  Or African police.  Or basically anything else in Africa.

Simon: You know I live in Africa, right?

Matt: Prove me wrong, Silent Bob.

Simon: You know I can’t, and that’s part of what infuriates me.

Giving a triumphant look behind her, and picking up her small toiletries bag, she stepped onto the deck of the Sea Stripes.

Rainbow: I’m pretty sure Pinkie sells Sea Stripes bubble gum at Sugarcube Corner.

The cruise ship filled mostly with middle-aged ponies and a few giggling adolescents, as far as she could tell.

Matt: Giggling?  Did they sneak on board or something?

Simon: Part of me is praying for this to be the Titanic of Equestria.

Matt: ... Premonition accepted.

Her friends joined her on deck, some grumbling about losing their luggage more than others.

Matt: *cough*Rarity*cough*

She knew that were secretly admiring her though, amazed at her smoothness at negotiation and epic skills.

Rainbow: Well, clearly they’ll have to get in line behind meto admire me.

Cup Cake: Considering we don’t really wear clothes that often—

Simon: Which I really appreciate, by the way.

Cup Cake: *rolls her eyes* Even with that, I’m surprised to think what in the world they’re bringing with them that requires so much luggage.  I mean, Rarity?  Understandable.  But the others?

She’d like to see one of them get them past a bind like that!

Rainbow: Rarity fought off a battalion of Diamond Dogs using nothing but her voice.  I’m pretty sure she could have gotten on that ship if she wanted to.  The porter probably would have paid her, too.

A voice came on over the loudspeakers. “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlecolts, this your captain speaking. We are almost ready to embark on our cruise; please make your way belowdeck so that we may undock.”

Matt: “Undock.”  Again, technically accurate, but it sounds wrong in almost every way.

Rainbow: Are you describing that word, or the whole fic?

Simon: Using obscure words doesn’t make you a better writer.  There must be a sticker with that somewhere.

Matt: There will be after I get to wordpress.com, anyway...

Rainbow: Drinking time!

Matt and Rainbow: *take largeswigs of cider*

Matt: *wipes off his mouth with the back of his hand*  Man, this story sure is generous with the scene transitions.  As much as I’d like to know what’s going on, I really appreciate all the drinking breaks.

Simon: Same here.  I don’t mind some flourish words, but using too many odd words actually alienates readers.

Ah. This was the life.

Rainbow: Says who?

Matt: Are you arguing?

Rainbow: No, seriously!  Whose head are we in thistime?

Cup Cake: That is actually a good question.  I am assuming that somepony we haven’t seen through yet.

Relaxing in the sunshine, sipping a nice cool drink, enjoying a well-deserved hooficure...

Simon: Rarity?

Rainbow and Matt: Rarity.

Rarity was made for this. She had needed a vacation for so long, what with all the work she did.

Simon: Considering that I think she basically is the pony that keeps the spa up and running, I’m surprised she needs any sort of holidays.

 Twilight was enjoying the same ministrations she was; they were both sitting on the luxury deck

Rainbow: It was a tough call between that or the “flesh-eating eels” deck.

and making idle conversation about what they would do upon their arrival at Canteroon.

Matt: Canteroon.That’s a thing that just happened.

Simon: As in… where the fuck are they going? What human equivalent is this a pun of?

Matt: Cancun.  Which is actually pretty shitty, considering how it’s clogged up with nothing but tourists.  Either that, or it’s supposed to be Cameroon, which I’m pretty sure is still an active war zone.

“I can’t wait to hear the music,” Twilight sighed. “It’s supposed to be very interesting.”

“And the cuisine! It’s to die for!”

Simon: Considering you almost did several times throughout this fic, I will believe it.

Rainbow: It’d better be.

“Mm-hm. Oh, only a few more days... It’ll be the best vacation ever!”

Matt: So, just to be clear, this cruise?Notthe vacation.  Glad we cleared that up.

Rarity lowered her sunglasses for a moment to watch Pinkie score an incredible power spike against Fluttershy. That mare really knew her volleyball. Settling back into her seat, she wondered what Applejack and Dash were doing belowdeck...

Matt: BOW CHICKA—

Rainbow: *smacks Matt right in the side of the head*  Will you give it a restalready?!

Matt: Oh, come the fuck on!  That was ideal!

Cup Cake: Dash, sweetie, we’re going to have a talk later.

When the hooficurists finished, they lay in the sunshine for a few more minutes before Rarity became bored.

Simon: Honey, are hooficures really THAT thrilling?

Cup Cake: They’re actually pretty boring, if you ask me.

There really wasn’t much to do on the cruise, other than relax, talk, play deck sports, or take advantage of the endless buffet.

Matt: Sounds like a freaking nightmare.  How will they cope?

Simon: For several days?  Screw everything!  I’m walking the plank!

She’d heard both Twilight and Rainbow complain of not having their books to read; it was ironic that Rainbow had been the one to make them leave their bags behind.

Rainbow: Welp, thatjust cleared up why there were so many bags to start with.

Matt: Good ol’ Purple Smart.

What she really needed was to work on something...

“Hey, Twilight-”

“...”

Matt: *throws a yellow flag at the TV*  Foul!  Illegal ellipsis in spoken narrative!  Fifteen yards, and replay the sentence!

Her friend’s eyes were closed and she was making low snoring sounds.

She decided to go explore the ship on her own. Leaving the others to enjoy the last few minutes of daytime,

Cup Cake: The ship was supposed to begin the trip at noon. How long have they been there doing nothing?

she made her way belowdeck and wandered around the crew area.

Rainbow: All of those “crew only” signs were clearlymeant for somepony else, after all.

Simon: After bribing your way in, the last thing you want to do is start walking around restricted areas.

Here were bunks, the kitchen, the storerooms- Aha! The captain’s quarters. Lights were on inside the small room, so she quietly stepped up and laid her ear to the door.

Matt: I’ve been bored before, but this is some next levelboredom when you decide to go snoopon the ship’s crew.

“-size, Captain. We’ve thrown over as much weight as we can, but in the past few hours the situation in the bilge has grown worse.

Rainbow: “We put up a sign asking the passengers to stop taking dumps in it, what more can we do?”

She’s sitting very low in the water and there’s a storm coming.”

Matt: Holy shit, Simon, you called it.  I can’t even right now.

Simon: I should stop making jokes about the worst possible thing that comes to mind; they keep becoming true!

Matt: Quick!  Joke about me having a million dollars!

Cup Cake: He joked about me getting pregnant, and it hasn’t happened yet.

Simon: I know your version here has twins, but let’s enjoy our married life a bit longer before thinking about that.

Matt: There’s, like, so many things wrong with that, chromosomally...

“I don’t understand. How could this happen? I know we’ve taken on a large amount of passengers, but we were within the load-”

Rarity made a small, frightened sound and immediately covered her mouth.

“... Did you hear that?”

She ran.

Rainbow: She ran so far awaa-aa-aayy.

Matt: But she just couldn’t get away.

Matt: Everypony knows the drill by now!

Matt, Rainbow, and Simon: *chug*

Everypony was gathered around Rarity; the gang was all sitting in their suite.

Cup Cake: No wonder this thing’s sinking, if they’re packing six ponies into every suite.

Worried looks and expressions of disbelief were on all their faces.

Rainbow: They wouldn’t go away no matter how many times they tried to shoo the looks and expressions out of the window.

Matt: Passive voice, people.

They were quiet for a moment.

“Are you sure, Rarity?” Twilight whispered.

“Positive. They sounded scared. I only heard a bit, but we’re definitely in trouble.”

Simon: Is this going to be one of those misunderstandings because they only heard PART of a conversation, ignoring REALLY important parts?  Because that’s really overused, and I will be mad if I got that right again!

Rainbow hung her head. “This is all my fault. If I had just listened to you all and we had stayed in Manehattan-”

Simon: I don’t think ANYPONY wanted to stay in Manehattan.  Wasn’t Canteroon the goal of the trip?

Matt: I’m just waiting for the first pony to call another one “lard-butt” and blame them for putting the ship over the weight limit.

“Now, Rainbow, don’t be so hard on yourself,” Fluttershy assured her. “We’re going to get through this.”

Applejack looked resigned. “I guess we’ll have to abandon ship, then. For the good of everypony else.”

Matt: Wait, I know this story.  They’re all going to get swallowed by a whale and spend three days and three nights in its belly, right?

Rainbow: I think you might have a few stories just slightlymixed up there.

Her words resounded in their minds. It was an inevitable conclusion.

“There’s lifeboats on deck. Maybe we can take one of those!” Pinkie Pie suggested.

Rainbow: Mares and foals first!

Matt: Just behind the captain!

“That sounds like a plan. Any other ideas?” inquired Twilight.

Nopony answered.

“It’s set then,” Twilight wore an expression of determination. “Let’s go steal a lifeboat.”

Rainbow: I don’t remember the girls having quitethis reckless disregard for the law before.

Matt: Rebels without a clue.

Cup Cake: I think the moment Twilight assaulted a train conductor was when I stopped thinking of them as the real ponies I’ve met.

Matt: Yeah, if you try to assume that they’re the same, you can end up in some real trouble.

Rainbow: *mutters darkly*

Matt: Last transition, everybody!  Bottoms up!

“Hey!” Rainbow hissed at nopony in particular. “Watch it!”

“Sorry,” Applejack and Fluttershy said at once.

They were all crowded in the lifeboat,

Simon: Oh, come on! Those things are huge!  They are supposed to be enough of them and big enough to save ALL the passengers AND the crew!  You know, to prevent shit like what happened in the Titanic from happening again!

Matt: Well, Rarity refused to leave her bags behind, so here we are.  Granted, the cruise ship is definitelylighter now without all her luggage on board.

holding on to the rails and their supplies. Pinkie made one last mental check, making sure everything was ready. Her candy, blanket, balloons...

Rainbow: Someof these things are not like the others.

Simon: Why didn’t the inflate all the balloons to lift the ship?  I mean, if we’re going for the realm of impossibility...

“Everypony okay? Ready?” Twilight repeated.

This time they all agreed. “Yes!”

Twilight unfastened the rope with her magic and they immediately fell. Pinkie felt her stomach lurch upwards, and everything blurred for a moment while her ears were filled with screams.

Cup Cake: Are we lowering a boat or are we in a theme park ride?

Then they hit the water, hard, and then everything was quiet.

Rainbow: Everypony was dead.  The end.

The ship drifted away through the night, apparently oblivious of their departure. The lifeboat sailed on, moving up and down on the waves. They all watched as an oncoming storm bore down from the sky.

“Well, what do we do now?” Rainbow asked.

Pinkie felt a smug smile creep onto her face. “Let’s party.”

Matt: It’s the end of the world as they knew it, and Pinkie feels fine!

Matt: ONE FOR THE ROAD!

The End

Rainbow: Oh, empty night, they really did all die...

Matt: And it wasthe end…

Cup Cake: So… do they make it to Canteroon?  Do they not?

Simon: Don’t lose your sleep over it, sweetie.

Matt: Yeah, depending on the tides, I’m sure at least partsof them made it to shore eventually.

The story faded to black in its typical format, and Luna reappeared on the screen.  “Well?” she asked.  “On a scale from one to ‘suicide’, how bad was it?”

Rainbow shrugged, nonplussed.  “We’ve seen worse.  Parts of it were actually really funny, for what that’s worth.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “if only those had been intentional, or not just skipped over by the story entirely.  I swear, this whole fic is like a bad episode—”  I froze, slowly facepalming as clarity dawned on me.  “Buck me, I just figured out the title,” I muttered.

Simon gave me a confused look.  “You mean the leg one part?  I’m afraid I don’t follow you.”

“No, The Tour,” I sighed.  “It’s a three-hour tour, if you catch my drift.”

Rainbow and Luna went silent, digesting this new idea.  “So...” Luna finally offered, “does that mean that Pinkie is Gilligan?”

Simon frowned.  “I… think I know what you’re trying to say, but I have never watched that show.  I don’t think it even aired where I came from.”

“I’ll grant you, if it isan allusion to Gilligan’s Island, then this story just jumped from ‘mediocre slice-of-life tale’ to ‘brilliant and wickedly subtle parody’,” I said.  “I’m just not sure I’m ready to give the author that kind of credit.”

Cup slid off of Simon’s lap, getting to her hooves as we began to move around a bit more.  “Simon has told me about a lot about riffing before, but being here myself was quite an experience.  I’m still not sure if it’s good or bad. Just… very different.”

“The fics might not grow fangs and attack here,” Rainbow replied, “but it's just as important for us to beat them back.”

Luna consulted her screen, staring off from the webcam’s eye.  “Well, the readings here show that this fic has been neutralized.  Well done, everypony!  I’ll see you again soon for another story!”  The connection cut as Luna ended the Skype call, the screen slowly fading back to an unpowered black.

I yawned, stretching my limbs out.  “That wasn't too bad.”

Simon agreed.  “Not the worst I’ve seen, but I kinda expected them to reach Canteroon at least.  I kinda feel cheated here.  It’s like playing a game where the end boss is hyped the whole game, but you never fight him in it.”

“Well, sometimes the ending really isn't worth getting to,” Rainbow said quietly, her voice dark.

I gave her a sideways glance, torn between pity and utter frustration.  “You know, why don't I go clean these up...” I said, deciding to dodge the issue entirely.  I gathered up the glasses and empty bottles and started carrying them all off towards the kitchen.

Simon climbed to his feet, offering his wife a wink.  “Let me help you with that.  You just rest here for a bit, dear.  Your first riff always takes it out of you.”

Cup gave him a knowing nod of thanks and sat back down on the couch, waiting until we had left the room and made it out of earshot.

- - - - -

“Rainbow Dash, sweetie, what’s bothering you?”

Rainbow snorted.  “Who says anything's bothering me?”

Cup Cake gave the younger mare a wry look.  “With age comes wisdom, dear, though it’s not exactly hard to tell.  I’ve heard my husband talk wonders about Matt and you, but you seem so… passive aggressive to each other.  Honey, Simon has noticed, and you have no idea how troublesome it is for him to figure these sorts of things out.”

“Yeah, yeah, fine, whatever...” Dash said, finally giving in.  She jumped back up to flop on the other end of the couch.  “I don’t know what it is, I just feel so... uncomfortablearound him lately.”

“Well, what’s changed?”

“I dunno,” she said unconvincingly.  “There was this story we did, and I—we’ve done tons of stories before, but this one just messed me up so bad.  I think it messed him up, too.”

Cup frowned, concentrating on Dash.  “What kind of story was it?”

“It...  It was a clopfic.  About me.”

“You know it wasn’t actuallyabout you, dear, right?”

“Of course I know that,” Dash huffed.  “It’s sort of a game we play.  It was a second-pony story, and I thought it would be fun to pretend the story was about Matt, just to see how he liked being projected on.  It was just supposed to be fun, but we didn’t know that it was going to end up being a sex story until it was too late to do anything about it.”

Cup leaned in, trying to be comforting to the obviously distraught pegasus.  “So, you pictured yourself with Matt?”

“Yeah...”  Rainbow nodded, biting her lower lip anxiously.  “And, well...”  She swallowed hard.  “I kinda, sorta... liked it.”

The older mare cocked her head to the side.  “Do you feel like you should be ashamed of it?”  Rainbow nodded slowly.  “Dear, it’s not such a big deal as that.  For what it’s worth, I’m sure Matt enjoyed thinking about it as well.  I know Simon and I haven’t had any problems being married to each other.”

Dash frowned.  “Yeah, see, that’s sort of weird, too, seeing you two here right now.  I mean, I don’t want to sound mean or anything like that, but I just don’t know how I feel about ponies and humans... you know.”

“Do you think it’s wrong for a pony to love a human, dear?”

“I—I don’t really know.  I mean, Matt’s easily my best friend outside of the girls, and I’d hate to put him in some kind of weird situation.”  Rainbow blushed, twiddling her hooves as she looked away from Cup Cake.  “Every so often I think about it, and it really doesn’t seem so bad at the time, but I just don’t know how hefeels about it.  I mean, he seemed kind of weirded out by that fic.”

Cup Cake furrowed her brow.  “Did he say he was upset by a pony and a human having sex specifically?  It could very easily be something else.  I mean, if this was hardly the worst story you two have done, I can’t imagine a story that bad would handle something like sexgracefully.”

“I—I don’t know...”

Cup scooted in, putting a gentle hoof on Rainbow’s shoulder.  “Rainbow, dear, let me give you a few... observations I’ve made.”  Dash nodded.  “First, human males aren’t all that different from Equestrian males.  They still crave affection and love the same way a pony does.  And secondly, think about this from Matt’s perspective.  If he’s really disgusted by the idea of loving a pony, wouldn’t he have said something by now?  I mean, he’s the only human in this world.  What other options does he have?”  Rainbow froze slightly as the weight of that thought sank in.

“Finally,” Cup continued, “he’s still a male, dear.  They don’t bring up topics like feelings and love quickly, if ever.  If you’re wondering, if you think you might like him even a little bit, you should talk it over with him.”

Rainbow shifted uncomfortably, suddenly very occupied with the feathers on one of her wings.  “It’s not like Iget to feelings very quickly either...”

Cup smiled.  “Okay, then let that lay until you’re sure.  But you absolutely need to talk about what’s bothering you, and at least know for sure where he stands and what’s upsetting you both.  He’s already said that he misses you.  He just wants to be around you without both of you being so on edge and uncomfortable, and that won’t happen until you get this all out into the open.  You’re not shy, Rainbow Dash, you can do it.”

Rainbow closed her eyes, nodding slowly.  “I know.  Thanks, Cup Cake, I did need to hear that, I guess.”  She chuckled.  “It’s so weird to think that I’ll see you soon and you’ll have no idea we even had this conversation in the first place.”

Cup smiled warmly.  “It’s my pleasure, Rainbow.”

- - - - -

Simon and I walked back over as soon as we noticed the girls’ conversation wrapping up.  Simon put an arm around his wife.  “Well, that was a lot of fun, but I suppose we should move on.  We have a home to set up, after all.”

Cup nodded happily.  “Oh, that will be fun.  Thank you both so much, dears.  I had a great time, and it was so nice to get to meet you both.”

I smiled.  “It was, and of course, you’re welcome back anytime you can make it.”

I glanced back at Rainbow to see her giving the couple an easy smile I hadn’t seen the likes of in weeks.  “Thanks, you two.  Please come back sometime.”

After a few more rounds of goodbyes, I closed the door behind the couple, listening silently with my eyes shut to the sound of a TARDIS powering up and leaving.  I turned around, coming face to face with Rainbow.

She stood awkwardly, staring into my eyes in silence.  I met her gaze as best I could until she finally shifted her weight and rubbed her neck with a hoof.

“Hey, can we talk?”

-fin-

[10] Captain For A Day

Rainbow practically kicked my front door open, prancing inside, pleased as could be with herself.  I trailed behind her, still in my old basketball shorts and a workout t-shirt, practically dripping sweat.  I suppose Rainbow was equally exhausted, but I guess there’s something about victory that just makes it easy to ignore the little things like that.

It was so nice having my best friend back.  I’d really forgotten how few ponies I’d really connected with since arriving in Equestria.  Sure, almost everypony was friendly, but Rainbow and I were friends of a much higher caliber.  When she finally admitted why she’d been avoiding me and being so irritable, it really cleared things up between us.  We were finally back, as a real team now.

Of course, one of the things that being a team apparently involved was Rainbow trying to whoop me at literally everything under Celestia’s sun.  I loved the competition as much as she did—and truth be told, with all the exercise and sports we did, I hadn’t been in such good shape since I graduated high school.

“Ha!” she yelled proudly, “I told you, human, I’ve just got it.  Anything you can do, Ican do better.”

I closed the door behind me, shutting out the early evening with a disgruntled sigh, trying to keep Ethel Merman showtunes out of my head.  I stripped off my soggy t-shirt and headed for my bedroom.  “Pony, please,” I replied, calling back out to the main room.  “Just because you won a game of hoops doesn’t mean anything.  Anypony can get lucky.”

I came back out into the main room after toweling myself off a bit, with a fresh shirt in my hand.  Rainbow stared down her muzzle at me condescendingly, which is a mean trick, considering that my head is a full two feet above hers.  “Oh, then how about when I whooped you at video games?”

I rolled my eyes and pulled the t-shirt over my head.  “That was just a few matches.  I schooled you, filly.”

“And what about racing?  I can beat you on hoof orin the air any day of the week.  Just like I can in hoofball, eating, drinking, hoof wrestling—”

“Okay, okay, woah there,” I interrupted, waving her down before she could get any momentum going.  “Hoof wrestling?  That’s a stretch—you cheated.  Anyway, how about actualwrestling?  You couldn’t keep me down if your life depended on it.  And then there’s baseball, and scootering, and anything at all involving me using my fingers...”

Rainbow huffed.  “Nowwho’s keeping score?”

“And we never even mentioneddrinking before.”

She blinked, surprised.  “We haven’t?  Seriously?”

“Not even once,” I confirmed.

Dash grinned, her competitive spirit ablaze with the notion of a new challenge.  “Okay, we are sosettling this.”

“And what do you have in mind, oh Iron Pony?” I teased.

As luck would have it, at that exact moment somepony knocked at my door.  I called out “come in”, and the door opened, Twilight Sparkle walking into my home.

“Hello?  Anypony home?” she asked.

I smiled.  “Yup!  And there’s even a human here, too!”

Twilight snorted dryly.  “Yeah, that line never gets old, Matt.  I came over to ask you a few questions about Earth literature.”  She trotted over towards us, stopping short as she noticed Rainbow’s disheveled mane and the way my hair was sticking in every direction at once after scrubbing it down with a towel.  “Yeesh, did you two just get done running a marathon or something?”

“Oh, we just had a friendly competition that’s about to get a little bit more competitive,” I replied, still staring Rainbow down.

The multi-chromatic mare suddenly got a glint in her eye and a grin on her muzzle.  “Hey!  You’re justthe pony we wanted to see, Twi...”

“Um, I am?” Twilight hesitated, rocking back on her hooves.  “Any particular reason?”

I felt a grin on my own face as I realized what Rainbow’s idea was.  “Ooohhhhh yeaaaahhh...”

Rainbow turned and began herding Twilight over towards the living room media area.  “Twi, we’re gonna need you to referee for us.”

“Referee?” Twilight asked, bewildered.  “For what?”

“Rainbow’s finally bitten off more than she can chew,” I explained.  “She thinks she can outdrink a creature that outweighs her by at least eighty pounds.”

Twilight held up her hooves, waving them dramatically.  “Woah, woah, I did notagree to this.”

“Comeon, Twi, it’s not much,” Rainbow begged.  “You just gotta witness when I totally school him.”

“Yeah, but a drinkingcompetition?  Isn’t this just a bitirresponsible?”

“No, normally it’s veryirresponsible,” I replied with a laugh.  She did not share my amusement, so I answered her a bit more levelly instead.  “Twi, we’ve got it under control.  We’re both adults here, and you’ll have control over how much drinking we do, not to mention that you can keep an eye on us.”

Rainbow nodded.  “Yeah, and I’ve already spent several nights on Matt’s couch anyway, so I don’t even have to fly afterwards.  Nothing to worry about.”

Twilight nodded, but didn’t particularly look happy about it.  “Well, I suppose I couldn’t ask for much more than that,” she agreed.  “Okay, so what’s the game?”

I held up a finger.  “As the challenged party, I get to call the game.”

“I’ll say you’re challenged…” Rainbow muttered.

I sighed.  “Hush, Dashie, or I’ll brush your mane and ask you ‘who’saprettygirl’ for the next hour.”

“Dashie” gritted her teeth and growled as Twilight stifled a giggle.  I walked away, running a quick circuit of the house as I came back to the media area with everything I needed to set up.  I plopped down two shot glasses and two spools of wire from my workbench onto the coffee table.  “All right, we’re going to riff.”

“Um, how is thata challenge?” Rainbow asked, eyebrow raised in confusion.

“Easy.  When something particularly bad comes up, Twilight calls a drink.  And it’s totally up to her what that is.  Down the shot, and stand the glass on the spool.  If it falls off, you’re out.  If you can’t keep the shot down, you’re out.  If you can’t take the shot, you’re out.”

Twilight perked up, her earlier reticence overwhelmed by her fascination at a new methodology to study.  “Oh, so it’s not only drinking, but dexterity as well.  And you’re both riffing, too, so that challenge is present, too!  This is an interesting idea…  Do I help riff?”

“Absolutely,” I replied.  “The more the merrier, just leave the heavy drinking to us.”

Rainbow puffed out her chest.  “Pffft, I’ll take this, easy peasy.  I can put cider back until next harvest season, and have AJ bring me a fresh barrel!”

I gave her an absolutely wicked grin.  “Oh, no you don’t.  We’re not playing in the little filly’s league anymore, Dash.”

“Huh?”

I nodded at our guest arbitrator.  “I had Twi here do an analysis of your cider a while back, and it’s only about seven percent alcohol.  More than a cheap beer on Earth, but nothing close to liquor.  And remember when I said something about researching how to distill bourbon?  Well, I got close.”

Rainbow’s brave facade cracked, ever so slightly.  “Sooo…?”

I plunked a large bottle of brown liquid onto the center of the table.  “It’s not fully aged, so it’s pretty unrefined, but even at this point I’m close to thirty-five percent.  It’s not bad, either.”

Rainbow stared at the bottle with slightly wide eyes and gulped nervously.

“Whadya say, Iron Pony?  You game?”

She narrowed her eyes at me.  “I’ve never backed down from a challenge before.  What makes you think I’d quit now?”

I grinned triumphantly, and spun around, reaching out to thump a fist down on top of the TV.  Instantly, the TV switched on, showing us a view of Princess Luna eating dinner.  “Luna?”

The monarch sputtered, dropping a forkful of food back onto the table and her lap in equal portions.  “Wha—how did you—Matt?”

I smirked.  “Rule of Cool.”

Luna’s scowl could have melted glass.  “I knew Pinkie was a bad influence on you.  What do you want?” she snapped.

“Send us a bad one.”

She froze.  “... You must be kidding.”

“Nope.  We got a scoreto settle over here.”

Luna muttered darkly as her horn began to glow, flipping off-screen switches.  “Interrupt mymeal, will you?  Oh, you’ll get a bad one all right…”

If anything, the light on the wall pulsed even more darkly than normal, perhaps owing to the sense of occasion, or even just how obviously pissed off Luna was at the moment.  Neither Rainbow nor I could have cared less, even if we had noticed.  We stared each other down, hoof-bumping each other in our traditional sign of a commenced challenge.

“WE GOT STORY SIGN!”

Captain For A Day, by Pretzelninja

Matt: Warm up?

Rainbow: Warm up.

*both put down a shot and set the glasses down without trouble*

Rainbow: *coughs and sputters*Wow...

Twilight: *sighs and refills both glasses equally*

Ponyville was preparing for the Wonderbolts to come to town and do their last show of the season, which happened to be in 2 days!

Matt: One would have suspected they’d be done making plans by this point.

Twilight: If they’d put mein charge, everything would have been done a monthago.

Everypony had been setting up banners and posters all over the place as ponies and other creatures from all over Equestria started coming into town.

Rainbow: The ticket scalpers were out in force.

Rainbow Dash, who had got a ticket as soon as she was legally able to,

Twilight: Like, legal time period, or legal age?

Matt: Is there a big black-market trade for tickets that haven’t been released yet, or is she planning on drinkingthe tickets?

was talking about this show for the past month; much to the annoyance of her friends, who had kinda avoided her to spare themselves another speech.

Matt: Oh, this one features Fangirl!Rainbow.  Good to know.

Rainbow: OOC much?  I totally don’t do that!

Twilight: What?  You once trapped me with an hour-and-a-half long debate—with yourself—about whether Fleetfoot or Soarin would win in an Iron Pony competition!

Rainbow: So?

Twilight: You had charts!

Rainbow: *blushes*

Matt: *stifles a laugh* Ha!  Egghead...

Dash had been practicing every one of her best tricks to show off in front of the Wonderbolts.

Twilight: The odds of being allowed near the celebrities should have been just about nil, of course.

Matt: Security seems to need a boost all over, I’m noticing.

She was almost certain they would have no other choice but to let her join after they saw the crazy aerodynamic maneuvers she was able to pull. Nothing was going to get in between her and her life dream.

Twilight: Wow, was that seriously only about a hundred words for a scene?  Yeesh.  Anyway, scene transition drink!

*Matt and Rainbow swiftly dispatch another shot each, Rainbow coughing slightly as she settles the glass down onto the tiny spool*

Matt: Gonna hang in there, filly?

Rainbow: Don’t—*cough*—don’t you forget it...

Everypony lined the streets as the Wonderbolts limo-chariot pulled into downtown Ponyville,

Matt: “limo-chariot?”  The hay…?

Twilight: *cocks her head to the side, confused*  I’m not real sure.  Is it extra long, or merely really nice inside?

Rainbow: You think Celestia has one?

being escorted by some off-duty officers in the royal guard. All of the fans cheered and screamed as the limo-chariot passed by.

Matt: And let me guess...

Rainbow Dash was right in the middle of the crowd doing the same thing.

Matt: Eeyup.

Twilight: Awww, it’s so cute!

Rainbow: *grits her teeth and tries to look neutral*

“This is sooo awesome!” she thought, screaming “I love you!” at her passing life-long idols.

Matt: *bursts out laughing*

Twilight: Okay, that’s just too OOC for me.  Drink!

*both participants down a third shot*

Rainbow: *wipes a hoof across her mouth, letting out a large breath*  Phwoar, that stuff’s intense.  I guess I should be thankful that you realized I’m not like that.

Matt: Yeah, Twi’s gonna compliment you right out of this competition.

Then suddenly the sunroof in the top of the limo opened and Soarin's head popped out.

Matt: And bounced down the road.

Rainbow: I knew Spitfire had a temper, but jeez...

He waved at the crowds of people on the side of the road as he passed them. Everypony screamed and cheered, but not as loud as Rainbow Dash.

Twilight: She out-screamed the entire crowd?  Wow.

Matt: Next she’s gonna throw her panties at the carriage.

Her voice was loud enough to rival Luna's causing Soarin to make eye contact with Dash

Rainbow: And many pony’s ears to bleed.

as he winked and smiled at her.

Matt: *pantomimes furious typing*  And there was totally a twinkle, and the world stopped and rays of light shot out from behind Soarin, and it was SOOO KAWAII!!!!

The amount of awesomeness in the situation was too much for Dash to handle. The world around her began to swirl and she fell against the ground unconscious.

Rainbow: Dude, what the heck?!

Matt: HA!  The Fangirl Faint!  Classic.

Twilight: Dash being OOC, and a transition.  That’s a double.

Rainbow: *pulls a nervous face*

*both take a deep breath and put the drink down, both sputtering and coughing*

Matt: Gah.

Rainbow: You said it.

Rainbow woke up in a bed she knew wasn’t hers.

Matt: You know, that reminds me: just what plans didyou have in mind when you flew off with those two Wonderbolt stallions after the Best Young Flyers Competition?

Rainbow: *sputtering and blushing furiously* I—no, I didn’t—what would—no, just no!

Twilight: *chuckles*

Rainbow: *tries to smooth her mane as she regains her composure*  You read too many fanfics, dude...

Then she recognized the florescent lights on the ceiling and the funny smell lingering in the room.

Twilight: Oh, for crying out loud, Rainbow, the bathroom’s rightthere!

She was laying inside a room at the hospital, with a curtain separating her and another one of the beds.

Matt: It really says something that you can recognize the lightsin the hospital recovery room.

Rainbow: Yeah…  Not gonna bother trying to deny that one.  Heh...

“What happened?” she asked herself aloud.

“Oh your awake” a mares voice behind the curtain said, startling Dash. “I think you were the one who passed out when Soarin winked at you”

Twilight: *wincing* Oh, wow, where did all these errors come from?  Take a drink, both of you.

Rainbow: *sighs*

*both drink.  Rainbow sets her drink down, inhaling sharply as the glass wobbles, but doesn’t fall*

Matt: Close...

The cyan pony blushed, happy to know the other mare couldn't see her.

“Oh... Yeah that’s right” Rainbow said. “How long has it been?”

“I'm not sure but I would think about 2 days, you must have been really tired or something”

Twilight: Two days is not a nap.  Two days is not a faint.  Two days is a coma.

Rainbow: Such is the power of Soarin.

Matt: He’s like a pony David Bowie, minus the intimidating package.

A surge of realization ran through Rainbow Dash's body, causing her joints to contract and her eyelids to open real wide.

Matt: My only regret is that I have Boneitis!

“Oh crap! I'm going to miss the Wonderbolts! Or have I already!?” Rainbow said, shooting straight up in bed.

Rainbow: She’s gonna have to pay for the hole in the ceiling if she’s shooting indoors.  Hopefully nopony was on the floor above her.

Twilight: Not to mention the careless way she just flings punctuation around the room.  Somepony could get hurt.

“ No you haven’t missed them. Haha, They cant start without their captain!” said the mare.

Matt: *deadpan*  Haha.

Twilight: I’ve read elementary school book reports with more lively writing.

Rainbow: I’ve read milk cartonswith more lively writing.

“What do you mean?” Rainbow dash said, as the curtain was pulled back by the other mare.

Rainbow: W-why do writers keep forgetting that bothof my names are capitalized?

Matt: Still wanting that “D”, eh, Rainbow?

Rainbow: *blushes and punches Matt in the arm*

Matt: Ow…

She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Right in the bed next to her was Spitfire. The Captain of the Amazing Wonderbolts.

Twilight: I know it’s not meaning in the samebed, but the wording is… ambiguous.

Matt: Good to know it’s now the “Amazing Wonderbolts.”  I guess the “amazing” part is on loan from the Spider Man universe.

“Oh my gosh!” Dash said, almost having a Rarity-like fainting moment. “What are you doing here”

Twilight: GAH.  All these errors are driving me insane.  Guess what?

Matt: Yeah, yeah, we know the drill…

*human and pony alike down a shot, gasping for air afterwards and slowly setting the glasses down, eyes slightly glazed.*

Twilight: Gimme that.

*Twilight pours and downs a shot herself, slamming the shot glass onto the tabletop and coughing loudly*

Matt: Jeez, Twi, go easy on that stuff!  It’ll take the paint right off your stomach.

Twilight: Won’t… make it—*cough*—through this… otherwise.

“Well I was getting a quick checkup before the big show started and they ran out of rooms downstairs because of all these tourists, so they put me in here.

Rainbow: That’s what happens when you s-schedule the Beb-bbubo— Plague convention in the same week.

Matt: That, or all the other fangirls trampled everypony else.

That's when I recognized you.” Spitfire said.

Matt: She never forgets a passed-out face.

Twilight: Totally not creepy at all...

“This is amazing!” the cyan pony said, her health returning.

Twilight: Like, walking in the door?  Health doesn’t usually just come back like a lost dog.

A stallion walked through the door dressed in a white lab coat. He was holding a clipboard suspended by an aura of blue magic in the air.

Matt: Doctor Bandage?!

Rainbow: Doctor Caramel?  Hurray!  This story just got good!

“Well spitfire your tests have come back.” the stallion said.

Twilight: “You got a C-.”

Rainbow: But she studied all night!

“Good, I'm ready to get out of here and start the show.” the Wonderbolt eagerly said, getting off the bed.

Matt: I mean, she’s apparently been in there for two days, I can understand her eagerness.

“I'm sorry Spitfire but I'm afraid you cant.” he said.

Twilight: She leans slightly to the side?

Matt: Maybe it upsets her balance in the air.

“Your wings have undergone too much stress lately, to preform today would really hurt your muscles.”

Matt: Convenient excuse is convenient.

Twilight: Also, you just ate, and you should wait for an hour before flying.

Rainbow: Pff, that’s an old mare’s tale.

“WHAT!?!” Spitfire and dash said in unison.

Twilight: I need another drink, so you both get one, too.

*all three take a drink, taking their time to do it*

Matt: You all right there, Skittles?  Lookin’ a little wobbly...

Rainbow: Sh-shut up.  I’m f-f-fine.

“I have to preform today!” Spitfire said. “Its the last show of the season and I'm the captain!”

Matt: It’s even morre disturbing that that issn’t a typo; he keeps making that error on purpose.

Rainbow: Got—got some sslur there, dude.

Twilight: *giggles*  You’re one to talk.

“I'm sorry miss but I cant let you do that.” the doctor said, leaving the room.

Matt: *pokes Rainbow*  He sseems just as drunk as you, with all the typos.

Rainbow: *giggles before stuffing her hoof in her mouth with a shocked expression*

Twilight: You actually giggled!  *Twilight and Matt burst out laughing*

“I'll leave you to try and figure out what you have to do about the show, just know you can not preform.”

Twilight: But she couldn’t hear him, because he already left the room.

Matt: Man, this “preform” stuff is hilarious!

Rainbow: *hiccups*

“This is bad.” the Wonderbolt said,hanging her head. “Were going to have to cancel the show”

Rainbow: Yeah, b-because it’s not like the othereleven Wonderbolts on the roster could do the sshow!  Ssheesh, you’d think nopony ever takes time off for vacation or anything.

Matt: I keep forgetting how you know all this sstuff.

Rainbow: Dude, I b-been on the minor league rosster for, like, two years now.

“Wait! No you don’t!” Rainbow said. “I can preform for you!”

Twilight: *lets out a frustrated huff* ENOUGH!  Drink already!

*Matt downs a shot and grimaces*

*Rainbow takes a deep breath, almost gagging on her shot as she forces it down*

Rainbow: This… issn’t as much fun as it was when we sstarted…

Rainbow Dash hopped out of her bed and stood as tall as she can, trying to look capable of the task of leading the Wonderbolts.

Matt: Because that’s totally how it works.

“Oh please, how do you expect to do that” Spitfire said. "The doctor hasn't even said you could leave yet."

Twilight: What a good point.  Also, why wouldn’t somepony capable take her place instead?

Rainbow: Hey!  I could t-totally do it if I wanted to.

Matt: Maybe not right now.

Truth was, Dash couldn't even afford a trip to the hospital after all of her failed attempts of tricks over the past couple months, and she wasn't exactly insured. So she was as eager as ever to get out of the hospital before she had to start another "loan."

Matt: She’s like the Jackie Chan of Equestria.

Rainbow: *looks down at her lap and rubs her foreleg ruefully with her other hoof*

“I have studied all of the Wonderbolts tricks and formations! I know everything about you and your team! This would be easy.” Dash said.

Twilight: Even Iknow that studying something and actually doing it in a competition are completely different things.

"And well... I don't really have any... lets just say I'm not in good hands ok?"

Matt: What?

Rainbow: What’s a “hands”?

Twilight: What’s an “ok”?

"Good hands?" Spitfire began to ask. "Ohhh"

Rainbow: Either sshe knew a human, or she just asssumed Rainbow had mental damage from her coma.

Spitfire considered Dash's idea for a moment.

Twilight: But no longer, because the idea was plainly stupid.

Staring at the ground below her, taking what seemed like forever to the cyan pony standing in front of her.

Matt: Iss totally not a ssentence.

Twilight: Heh.  Ironic.

"An uninsured pony becoming captain of the Wonderbolts on their most important show of the season?" she thought. "Seems like the kind of risk I like to take!"

Twilight: Aaaaand, that has to be a drink.

Rainbow: *whimper*

*Matt and Rainbow slowly and hesitantly take another shot.  Rainbow closes her eyes and takes a deep breath*

Matt: Hey, s-sseriously, you all right?

Rainbow: Yeah, I-I—  *face falls*  Maybe...

“Well... If your telling the truth about knowing all of our stuff. I guess its better to give some sort of show then no show..” the captain said.

Matt: Yeah, even a c-crappy sshow that disappoints everyone—pony and possibly ends poniesess careers due to injurury is better than refunding and scheduling!

Rainbow's eyes lit up as she jumped up in the air.

Twilight: She’s possessed!

“You mean yes?!” she said starting to shake with excitement.

“Yeah sure”

Twilight: “I have no way to verify that you’re telling the truth, or that you have any idea how our routines go, or that you’re actually that good of a flyer—but I’m high on painkillers, so sure.”

“OHMIGOSHOHMIGOSHOHMIGOSH, this is the best day of my life!” rainbow said doing a flip.

Matt: Heh.  Hey, Rainbow, they fforgot your capital again.

Rainbow: Meh.

“Well we better get going to the prep tent, I'll have to explain this to the other Wonderbolt's” Spitfire said leaving the room followed by the overjoyed Pegasus.

Twilight: One more for the road?

Matt: *looks at the crestfallen look on Rainbow’s face, reaches out, and very deliberately turns his glass over and sets it on the table*

Rainbow: *looks up at Matt, confused*

Matt: Yeah, I th-think we’re done here.

"Lets go out the window, I don't want to deal with all of the papers" Dash said smiling sheepishly.

"OK fine, but lets hurry"

Rainbow dash walked out of the changing room set up in the big prep tent dressed in a blue jumpsuit with lightning bolts on it, and stepped into a room filled with other Wonderbolts.

Twilight: The lightning bolts shocked everypony.

Matt: The knowledge that S-Spitfire trusted shomepony she just met over all of them was pretty sshocking, too.

“Attention everypony!” Spitfire shouted, at the sight of Dash walking out.

Matt: Man, sshe didn’t stay long.

“As you might have heard I cant fly for the time being, so filling in for me as captain for today will be Rainbow Dash.”

Twilight: “Screw all of you.”

Rainbow Dash smiled as all of the other Wonderbolts looked her over, nodding their approval.

Rainbow: *rolls her eyes*

Matt: Lawl.  Lawl, I ssay.

She started to get an amazing feeling inside.

Twilight: Um… Is she getting aroused by the idea of being a Wonderbolt?

Matt: Does that ack-actually happen?

Rainbow: Come on, dude...

“Uh... lets get this show started.” Dash said nervously smiling at the very people who had been displayed on posters all over her room since she was a filly.

Twilight: And by “people,” we of course mean “not people.”

"I cant believe this is happening!" she thought.

All: Yeah, us too!

All of the other team members smiled back and walked outside of the tent to take positions.

Matt: It’s important to sstart each show with a “vogue” moment.

“Good luck” Spitfire said and patted Rainbow on the back.

Twilight: Who’seagoodgirlthen?

Rainbow: This is… this sucks.

All of the Wonderbolts were in position on the ground ready for takeoff with Rainbow Dash in the front. Then Spitfire started the countdown.

“3...2...1... GO!"

Every one of the pegesi shot off of the ground simultaneously and raced away from the tent.

Matt: “pegesi?”

Rainbow: *shrugs*

Twilight: They realized that Spitfire had sold them out and they had to get away as fast as possible.

The air field was about a half mile away and they flew in a V formation like all great winged creatures.

Matt: Why wouldn’t they shtart from where the show iss?  They don’t have engines, is not like they n-need a run up or anything.

Upon arrival they did a flyby on the field and over the stands where hundreds of thousands of fans were sitting and cheering.

Twilight: That’s… over twenty times the population of Ponyville, and a significantportion of the entire population of Equestria.

They went wild when they passed low overhead, letting their audience feel the wind given off as they flew by.

“OK formation 4!” rainbow said as they all formed a giant W for "Wonderbolts" in the sky, the crowds cheers could be heard from up in the clouds.

Rainbow: O-okay, I—I seriously can’t take thiss anymore.

Matt: Hey, you okay?

Rainbow: Yeah.  You t-two finish the fic.  I need to… think.

Twilight: Okay… If you say so…

*Rainbow walks unsteadily out the front door and closes the door behind her*

Matt: Well that was… sobering.

The Show lasted for about an hour, with Rainbow Dash loving every second of it. At the end of the show all of the Wonderbolts looped around the crowd of fans and started heading back to the tent in the same V formation of which they came in.

Twilight: Not a very interesting show, if they just flew in that formation for an hour.

“You lead us back Soarin'” Dash said. “Ill be right back”

Matt: “There’s a concession stand back there with only a 45-minute line!”

Twilight: Wow, you just can’t pass that up.

“Uh...Alright” Soarin said, taking the lead position.

Twilight: Like he should have hours ago.

Rainbow Dash came back around and looped around the stands again.

Matt: “Nachos, nachos, I know someponyout here has nachos!”

Every one of the fans were cheering for her, this was her big moment.

Twilight: Why would any of the ponies know who she was?  It’s pretty obvious that she’s not Spitfire.

She knew what she had to do.

"Wings, don't fail me now!"

She flew straight up into the air. Passing all of the clouds until the ponies below her could barely be seen. Then…

Twilight: “she took a nap.”

Matt: Tha—that’s harsh.

Twilight: I know...

Dash stopped flapping and slowed, everything around her stopped, making her feel weightless. Dash, flipped around, pointing her nose toward the ground and shot straight down, picking up extreme speed.

Twilight: Comma splice, you strike again.

As the moved she shredded through the clouds reducing them to nothing.

Matt: “The moved.”  Shame that Microsoft Word doesn’t detect derp along with spelling errors.

“Just a bit faster.” she thought, taking her wings to the maximum.

Matt: Taking them to the limit!

Twilight: Totally extreme!

Matt: With extra “X”!

Then suddenly the air around her turned white and began to bend around the mare causing a loud “BOOM".

Twilight: She blew up and was never seen again.  The end.

A flash of colors enveloped out from around her, completing her Sonic Rainboom. The crowd went crazy. She pulled out of her dive and headed back to the tent, felling more awesome then she ever had before.

Matt: She did a rainboom at the freaking royal wedding, how is this so much more awesome?

Twilight: Well, allof Equestria was here for this one.

Matt: You aren’t kidding.

“That was truly amazing” Spitfire said. “I saw it all the way from the tent”

Twilight: Considering how far it went when Rainbow was a filly, she probably should have been physically harmed at that range, never mind seeing it.

Matt: So… hundreds of thousands of ponies rightbelow an almost atomic release of energy…

“Yeah that was radical!” said Soarin. “You were awesome out there”

All Rainbow Dash could do was stand there and smile, truly speechless of her life-long idols complimenting her at her flying abilities.

Matt: Why?  Haven’t they already complimented her multiple times before?  She’s met them all, like, a half-dozen times.

“We can use talent like you” Spitfire said.

“Really?” Dash said, her mouth dropping.

Twilight: “Yeah, we haven’t had a janitor for months, ever since Sweepy quit.”

“Yeah! How bout we sign you two a 2 year contract?” Soarin asked.

For Rainbow Dash, the amount of awesomeness was again too much for her to handle. The world around her began to swirl and she fell against the ground.

“I'll take that as a yes”

Matt: Uugh, I wish Iwere unconscious right now...

I walked out onto the front porch of my house, only slightly unsteady on my feet as I shut the door quietly.  Sitting on the porch, at the top of the steps, was Rainbow Dash.  She didn’t say anything as I walked up and sat down next to her, she just kept staring off blankly into the distance, her eyes sadder than I’d ever seen before.

I reached out an arm and nudged her side.  “Hey, you okay?”

She sighed.  “I—I’m not so sure anymore.”

“Hey, talk to me.  What’s up?”

“This fic, it just... hurts.”

I frowned, confused.  “It was bad, sure, but hardly the worst thing we’ve ever done.  Heck, it was actually pretty funny!  What specifically was so bad about it?”

Rainbow shook her head.  “No, no, it’s just me.This whole... Wonderbolts... thing.”

“But you area Wonderbolt.  You’re on contract and everything.”

She looked down, hanging her mane in front of her face.  “I’ve been on the juniorroster for almost two years now.  I’ve been passed up by other ponies already.  Did you know that Rapid Fire and I were in the same class when we tried out?”  She sighed heavily.  “And now with this wreck...”

Comprehension dawned on me.  “Ohh...  You mean when you went to train that colt and he got you injured, right?  Wasn’t that monthsago?”

She nodded, still not looking at me.  “Yeah.  And I’m monthsbehind everypony else now.  My contract is up for renewal in two months, Matt.  If I don’t measure up against the rest, they might drop me!”  She finally looked up, her eyes red and distraught.  “I can’twash out like this!  There’s nothing else I’ve ever wanted as much as this.  If I can’t be a Wonderbolt, I don’t know what else I canbe.  I’ve never tried anything else.  It—pah,” she snorted, flicking her ears in irritation.  “I’m not even sure if you can understand or not.”

“Understand what?  That you’re twenty-five?  Spent your entire life pursuing only one goal, so much so that if you can’t get it you don’t even know if you have any other skills?  Feeling like you might have wasted a quarter of your expected lifespan chasing a phantom, realizing that your best years might be behind you?”

Dash’s eyes got wide as she met mine.  “...I—yeah.  You understand?”

“Look, Dash, I doget it.”  I slid slightly closer to her side.  “I might not have a tattoo on my butt showing me my greatest desire, but I get it.  When I graduated from high school—er, secondary school here, I guess—all I knew was baseball.  I was determined that I would play in college and go pro.  I had the tools to do it, too.  And then things started not working out.”

Rainbow straightened up slightly, caught up in my story as she paid attention.  “What happened?”

I sighed, looking off into the night sky myself.  “Life did, I suppose.  I didn’t get into the schools I wanted to attend—the more athletic schools.  I got distracted by other things, and I was stuck in a small school where no scouts would ever hear my name or see me play.  It was a complete dead end.  Baseball just ended up... not being important anymore.”

“That—that’s awful...”

“It was rough, yeah,” I admitted, nodding.  “There were a few years where I wasn’t sure who I was or what I should be doing.  So I’ve been exactly where you’re scared of finding yourself.”

Rainbow shivered, though I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with the encroaching cold of the late autumn night.  “I can’t even imagine.  I mean, if I had three wishes, this would be first on the list.”

I tried to give her a brave smile.  “Hey, I don’t know if my word counts for much, but I don’t think you’ve got as much to worry about as you’re afraid of.”  She smiled back, just slightly.  “I may not be from here, but I know a natural talent when I see it, and you’ve got that, Dash.  You’re on another level from all of the other Wonderbolts hopefuls.  What they have to work for, you just feel.  Your biggest problem is working on the teamwork aspects, and that’s not so bad.  Anypony can learn that with time.  But nopony can be taught to fly like you do.”

She swiped a hoof across her nose and eyes, drying them off.  “Heh.  Thanks, Matt.”

“And look, this is your dream,” I said, looking back off into the distance again.  “If it’s important to you, then it’s important to me.  So I’ll do whatever it takes to help out.  If you need a training partner, or a coach, or cheerleader, or whatever.  Even if I just have to sit at home and not get in the way and give you wing massages after you work out, I’ll do it.”

Rainbow was silent for a long time.  “Y-you—you’d do that?  For me?” she finally asked, her voice cracking.

“Well, yeah.  I mean, you were my first friend in this world, and you’ve never left my side.  And even if I didn’towe it to you, what other reason would I need other than that you’re my friend?”

She didn’t respond.  I finally glanced back over to see a tear run down the side of her muzzle as she very pointedly did notlook at me.

“So,” I said lightly, trying to break the solemnity a bit, “your first wish would be to join the ‘Bolts, huh?  What’s wish number two?”

Rainbow actually flushed red, her ears falling back against her head.  She refused to look at me, ducking her head in embarrassment.  “No, it—it’s weird.  Especially now.”

“What, I promise I won’t laugh or anything.”

“No way!” she protested.  “I—I can’t...”

“Please?”  She finally turned to meet my eyes.  “Tell me, Skittles.  For me?  What do you wish for after making the Wonderbolts?”

She swallowed hard.  “For you to be a pegasus...” she said, just barely above a whisper.  “So you could be there when it happens...”

I froze as a dumb smile started to creep onto the corner of my mouth.  An inexplicable sense of warmth began to spread outwards from my chest as I looked at her, realizing how utterly vulnerable she had just been with me.  I couldn’t have cared less if it wasthe alcohol talking, I could tell the honesty behind it without any trouble.  I reached out with one arm, wrapping it around her shoulders and pulling her close.  “Aww, Dashie...”

“You and that stupid nickname...” she muttered, nuzzling up against my chest before going still, leaning up against my side.

I have no idea how long we stayed there, but I finally realized from the steady, rhythmic rise and fall of her chest that Dash had fallen asleep.  I braced her with an arm as I stood up, finally realizing just how chilly the evening really was without Rainbow’s shared warmth against my side.  I was just able to get my arms under her and scoop her up.

Her head lolled forward, coming to rest in the crook of my neck.  She muttered something contented in her sleep, and I couldn’t stop a happy blush from appearing on my face.

Not for the first time, I was grateful for the lever-style door handles in Equestria, because I could work it with my knee as my arms were full.  I shut the door as carefully and quietly as I could, even though I was pretty sure that it didn’t matter.  Rainbow was sleeping the sleep of the thoroughly soused, and nothing would wake her at this point.  I envied her as I yawned.

Twilight trotted over from the kitchen.  “Hey, I put the glasses in the sink.  The bottle is just on the counter an—”

She stopped as I managed to hold up a finger and put my mouth behind it, giving her a shhhhgesture.

“Is—is she okay?” she asked quietly.

I nodded.  “She’s just asleep.”

Twilight put a hoof to her muzzle, only halfway covering up a massive, adorable smile at the sight of me holding a sleeping Rainbow Dash.

I blushed more, choosing to nod towards my bedroom rather than acknowledge Twilight’s attention.  “I think I’ll just let her rest for a while.  I’ll take the couch tonight,” I said as I walked carefully towards the doorway.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Twilight said softly, nodding.  “I’ll let you two sleep this story off, then.  Good night, Matt.”

-fin-

[11] Love Interruption

I stamped my feet, trying to keep the cold at bay through movement.  The fall season was waning fast, meaning the onset of winter was due any day now.  Dash had let slip to me that the weather teams were even planning to break winter in a bit earlier this year, owing to the highly fruitful and rapid harvests across most of Equestria.  She couldn’t tell me any timetables ahead of schedule, but the first snowfall of the season was expected soon.

Dash herself had spent the last few days out and about, setting up cloud formations, trying to coax thermal fronts to cool and make way for the drier air of winter.  Her first day off in the week had been last night, and we’d spent it shooting hoops, getting drunk, and riffing a horrible story.  Now, I was out here, watching her train.

Not for the first time since arriving in this land, I was jealous of a pegasi’s furry coat.  Dash had no problem whatsoever dealing with the cold at altitude, while I stood on the ground bundled up in my own custom-made coat.  I made a mental note to sent Rarity a thank-you basket, even if I had paid for it.  Her work was above and beyond the call, as typical.

I stared into the sky, watching the blurred trail of my sometime roommate, trying to decide exactly what it was I was feeling as I did so.  I remembered last night without any problem, as I hadn’t made it to nearly the level of intoxication that Dash had.  I wondered if she remembered.  When she finally work up and walked out of my bedroom, she hadn’t said anything about it one way or the other.  I chalked it up to the massive hangover she had undoubtedly been experiencing, and I decided to let the sleeping dog lie, as it were.  After a hearty breakfast and half a day of recuperating, we still hadn’t really said anything of substance to one another.

Earlier in the afternoon, Rainbow had said she felt like getting out and getting some flight practice, and she invited me along.  It was the first thing she’d really said to me today, and I didn’t want to pass on the chance—but I knew that she was just putting things off until she could sort through her own thoughts.  She’d admitted in the past that she did her best thinking when she was in the air, and the stunts she was practicing were simple; the kind of tricks she could do in her sleep.  I understood why she was here.

I watched her bank, cutting a turn right around a cloud as she headed back towards me.  The sun didn’t have much time left above the horizon, and the golden tinge of the light played across her feathers.  For Dash to lay her soul open the way she did last night was a big deal.  I had no idea how she would end up taking my offer to be by her side as she worked her way back to top form, but—

“Dude, you awake?”

I jumped, shaking myself back into the moment.  Rainbow had touched down and was standing next to me, staring at me with her eyebrow raised.  “I, uh, yeah.”

“So, what did ya think?”

I nodded.  “You looked good up there.  There’s a few high-speed turns where your limbs aren’t held in quite as tightly, I guess that might hurt you a little on speed.”  I really didn’t have much to go on.  Aerodynamics wasn’t my field, I was just trying to find something helpful.

I guess it worked, because she nodded, stretching out her back like a cat.  “Yeah, I dunno if it’s just the time off or all that booze holding me back, but my muscles are definitely a bit sluggish today.”

I chuckled.  “I can’t believe you’re back to flying after the hangover you had.”

“Hey, I’m an athlete, buddy,” she pointed out, “my body is tuned to recover.”

“You ready to head home then?”

Rainbow nodded.  “Yeah.  I got a decent workout in, and you’re practically shivering out here.  Let’s get back to the house.”

I thought about protesting, but she was right; it was cold, and the sun going down wasn’t helping.  We starting walking back towards Ponyville, cutting across town.  All around us, shops closed down as the street lamps started to flare to life.  Homes began to glow with lights as families sat down to dinner.  It was a beautiful scene, and the two of us were alone to observe it as we walked.

I was starting to get worried that we were going to avoid the topic yet again, when Dash finally broke the silence.

“Hey, I know I haven’t said anything yet, but thanks for being cool last night.”

I smiled.  “It’s no problem.”

“You really didn’t have to put yourself out on the couch, though.  It’s not like I haven’t slept there before.”

I shook my head slightly.  “No, I think I did need to.”  She looked up at me, slight confusion in her expression.  “Look,” I said, “things got pretty deep last night.  You admitted some stuff to me, and I promised to help you out, to be there for you.  If I’d just left you on the couch after all that, it would have been pretty easy for us to just laugh it all away; to say it was just the booze talking.”  I looked up at the rose-streaked horizon.  “I wanted to make sure you knew I meant it.  And that meant doing something special for you.”

Rainbow didn’t say anything for quite a while as we continued walking.  Just a handful of yards from my home—or, honestly, ourhome, as I was starting to think of it—she finally spoke again.

“So... does that mean that offer of a wingrub is still open?”

I laughed.  “Hey, as long as you don’t think I’m doing anything inappropriate by it, absolutely.”

“What is it with you humans and wings?” she scoffed, huffing in mock frustration.  “They’re more than just a giant erogenous zone, you know.  Do you think flying would be easy if they were thateasily stimulated?”

“I know, I know,” I replied, trying to keep my laughter down.  “I could—wait, morethan just an erogenous zone?  So that still applies then?”

She rolled her eyes.  “Do you get aroused when somepony shakes your hand?”

“Of course not.”

“Now how about if your special somepony is licking your hand and sucking on your fingers.  How about then?”

I blushed, shrugging the collar of my jacket up a little higher to try and hide my cheeks.  I knew it was pointless; Rainbow was a practiced genius at making me blush in embarrassment.  Curse my pale skin and lack of colorful fur to obscure it.  “Okay, I think I see the picture.”

I ignored her silent giggles as I opened the door and allowed her into the house.

“Look,” I said as I shrugged off my coat and hung it on the wall by the door, “I have no problems offering you a—oh, bugger.”  Rainbow turned around to look at me, confused by my reaction.  I hooked a thumb at the TV, where the “incoming call” icon was jingling away on the screen.  “Sorry, Skittles, I think the backrub may have to wait.”

She snorted, hopping up onto her normal place on the couch.  “Always.  Oh well, let’s see what she’s got for us tonight.”

I slapped the space bar and sat down as the call went through.  On the other end, Luna looked up from her book and set it aside.  “Oh, there you two are.  I wasn’t sure if you were ever going to pick up.”

I smiled.  “We wouldn’t ignore you, Luna, we just got back in a few moments ago.  What’s up?”

Luna looked a bit serious to me.  “We’ve got a small storm brewing.  Romance fics are coming en masse, as you humans say, and we need to knock their influence back down before they build up too much steam.”

“Psssh, I’ve been doing that all week with clouds,” Rainbow said dryly.  “I’m sure a story won’t be much of a task.”

“It’s not a very long one,” Luna agreed, floating a clipboard over to her hoof with her magic.  “It might even be fun if you go into it with the right mindset.  We shall see.  It’s called Love Interruption, and I honestly don’t even understand what I’m seeing here.  It appears to be...”  The princess squinted at the data.  “Song lyrics?”

“Oh no...” I moaned.  “One of those.”

“Pah, we got this, Luna.”

Our boss nodded firmly.  “Very well then.  Go to it.  Good luck go with you.”

The light did its thing, and we did ours.

“WE GOT STORY SIGN!”

Love Interruption, by Closer-To-The-Sun

Rainbow: Well, that’s just rude.

Matt: Fanficus Interruptus?

Rainbow: I suppose I’d still rather have a love interruption than a love eruption.  Less cleanup to do.

Chapter 1: Rotten Apples

Rainbow: Ooh, apples?  Has AJ’s day in the sun finally come?

It was a warm and pleasant day at Sweet Apple Acres.

Matt: It is!  *Matt and Rainbow bump hooves*  That’s AJ off the checklist...

On the farm, there was an orange mare working hard amongst the grove of trees. She seemed to not be performing at her peak.

Matt: Sounds like she could use a 5-Hour Energy.

It was if something was bothering her, and yet she didn't seem to know what it was.

Rainbow: Now see, in a good fic, we’d get an internal monologue, or perhaps we’d follow her around for a while and see her discontent for ourselves.  But nope, we can just save so much time by telling you that something’s bothering AJ!

With a sigh, she continued and got lost in her work.

Matt: I didn’t think Sweet Apple Acres was all that big that you’d get lost.

Her attention was turned from her work when a friend of hers trotted by on the nearby path.

"Hello there, Applejack!" a cheerful voice called out.

"Oh, howdy, Twilight. An' same ta ya, Spike," Applejack replied, looking up to the purple unicorn and the purple dragon that was riding on her back, "what brings ya'll to this neck of the woods?"

Twilight answered, "I need to pick a few apples for later."

Matt: “And I really didn’t feel like paying, so I came here.”

Rainbow: If only there was a store or a market she could pick such things up at.

"Alright. Well, Big Mac should be up at the farm ta help ya out," the orange pony stated, trying to force a smile.

Rainbow: “Harmony, I can’t stand her.  Just keep smiling...”

"Can I stay here with Applejack?" Spike asked.

Rainbow: AJ’s in the background shaking her head and waving her hooves furiously in silent protest.

"Well, as long as she's fine with it. Just don't distract her too much," the unicorn was unsure.

Matt: “Unsure” is not a speaking verb.

"It's fine, Twi, ah don't mind."

Twilight shrugged as Spike hopped down from her back, "Just don't give her too much of a hassle, Spike." She then continued down the pathway towards the barn.

Rainbow: And try to not get both of you almost killed this time.

Spike, on the other hoof, made his way over towards Applejack. As he got closer, he noticed that the pony seemed off.

Matt: Off... her game?

Rainbow: Her rocker?

Matt: The chain?

Rainbow: The hook?

Matt: The heezy fo’ sheezy?

"Hey Applejack, ya alright?" the dragon asked with concern.

The earth pony honestly didn't want to reply, but not wanting to be rude to the dragon, she lied, "Yeah, ah'm fine, just worried about not gettin' the applebuckin' done by mahself today." After speaking, Applejack realized the statement was partially true.

Rainbow: Wow, I know she’s bad at lying, but I’ve never seen a pony end up telling the truth by accidentbefore.

Matt: How bad do you think this accent is going to get before we’re done?

"Oh, is that it? I can help you then!" Spike spoke cheerfully.

Matt and Rainbow: *cock their heads to the side, staring incredulously*  Uh... how?

"Huh?" Applejack wasn't expecting such a reply from Spike, "Uh, Spike, ya really don't need ta do anythin' like that. Ah can handle this."

"But you were just saying there's a lot to do," the dragon pointed out.

Rainbow: What are you going to do, Spike, burnthe orchard down?

"Well, ah guess ya can help if ya really want ta," Applejack gave in. From there, she gave instructions to Spike of what to do to help her with the bucking of the trees.

Matt: “Sit over there and don’t move.”

To the surprise of them both, Applejack and Spike finished their applebucking in what seemed to be record time.

Rainbow: Yes, that would be a surprise, if I thought it were even remotely plausible.

Matt: Spike helping is like when the Dirty Jobs crew comes by to “help” at your job.  No matter what, you’re going to lose money on that day.

Rainbow: The show’s version of Spike is completely useless for applebucking.  I’m not even sure if the real Spike could do much.

Matt: He’s the magikarp of ponies.  *laughs*  Aaaaaand, now I’m imagining Applejack using Spike like a club and swinging him at trees to knock the apples down.

Chapter 2: Blue Sky

Matt: *blinks*  Wait, that was supposed to be a chapter?  It barely even constituted a scene!

Rainbow: What was that, 300 words?  320, maybe?

Matt: Oh, buck me—the name is another song title.  Yeesh, the drinking game would not be kind to this story.

Rainbow: Well, I suppose we can check Spike off the riff list, too.  It’s pretty obvious where we’re going here.

After completing the applebucking, Applejack and Spike were lying down on the grass.

Rainbow: Spike was dead.  Applejack was being restrained by the police.

The orange mare and purple dragon were close as they looked up to the partly cloudy sky.

Matt: Close?  Like, close friends?

Rainbow: Close to finishing?

Matt: Close to... me?  Dangit, now I’ve got songs by The Cure stuck in my head.

A gently breeze

Rainbow: Gently breeze.  I know it’s a typo, but it’s pretty funny to think about a posh breeze with a monocle and a cane.

Matt: How gentlemanly.

Rainbow: Like a sir.

was slowly pushing the clouds across the blue atmosphere, causing the two to point out the shapes.

Matt: Purple prose, passive voice, and bad grammar.  This sentence has it all, I tells ya.

"Hey Applejack, that one looks like a top hat!" Spike pointed up to the sky.

Rainbow: Well, what else would such a gently breeze wear?

"Yer right, it kinda does. That one there looks like some kinda animal, like a rodent or somethin'," Applejack pointed to a different cloud.

Matt: Applejack, Queen of Description.  “It’s like an animal, kind of, maybe.”

Rainbow: She really should have specified whether it was a bear or a mouse, though I know they look really similar.

Spike had trouble seeing what the pony saw,

Rainbow: Due to his being deeply concussed?

Matt: I think it’s due to the fact that AJ has no idea what she saw either.

"I guess it kinda does. Maybe if it's super fat or something like that!" he then laughed at his own comment.

Matt: Spike, fat-shaming the clouds is notokay.

Rainbow: Foals say the darndest things.

Applejack couldn't help but smile, "There's a few there that look like a bunch of apples."

Spike laughed again, "Of course you'd notice that, Applejack!"

"Haha, well what did ya expect, sugarcube? Ah am Applejack after all!" the orange pony gave a relaxed laugh.

Rainbow: “If I had any other aspects of my personality at all, I wouldn’t be in bad fanfiction!”

Matt: What didwe expect, if not that?

Spike laughed as well before continuing his cloud watching, "Oh! There's some over there that look like a few gems!"

Matt: The cloud looks like something that can be cut and formed into almost any shape?  That’s almost meta, dude.

"Huh? Where at, Spike?" Applejack seemed to not find the particular clouds the dragon was talking about.

Rainbow: Well, color me surprised.

The dragon scooted closer to the orange mare and raised his claw up in the air to point, "Right over there! It looks like an emerald gem!"

Matt: Clouds probably shouldn’t be greenlike that, though.

Rainbow: Somepony should probably go check that out.

Applejack finally noticed the cloud Spike was talking about, however, her thoughts were focused on the dragon scales touching her coat. The scales felt alien on her coat. They felt rough and bumpy at the immediate touch, but to Applejack it was wonderful. She had no idea why but she liked it, a lot.

Rainbow: Aaaand, just like that, it’s uncomfortable in here.

"Did ya see it?"

"A-Ah beg yer pardon?" the earth pony's face was slightly pink.

Spike turned his head slightly to Applejack, "The clouds, did ya see them?"

"Oh, right, ah saw them gem clouds," Applejack replied.

Matt: “That one looks like an amoeba!”

Rainbow: “That one looks like a cloud!”

Matt: Woah, that’s deep.

Spike gave a small laugh to himself, "They are actually kinda making me hungry."

Rainbow: Maybe he can eat that laugh he just gave himself as a gift.

"Oh, if ya want, Spike, ya can get an apple ta eat," the orange pony stated, trying to brush off the pink tint to her face.

Matt: Did she spill paint on herself?  Does scrubbing typically remove a blush?

Spike stood up on his bottom claws

Rainbow: Okay... I knowwhat the writer is tryingto say, but the mental image this gives is... not pleasant.  Just say “hind” or “back” claws, so my brain can stop doing flips trying to envision what I’m reading, please.

and quickly made his way to grab an apple from a bucket. The dragon grabbed a yellow apple and returned to where he and the earth pony were lying on the ground. Sitting on the ground, Spike then laid back down with his head resting on the side of the mare's torso.

Matt: He stood up, he walked over, he got, he walked back, he laid down again.

Rainbow: You know, after all this beige, I’m actually almost wishingfor something overly florid to come our way.

Matt: Do notwish for that.  I’ve seenthat side of writing, and it is notfun...

Taking a bite of the apple, Spike spoke, "You don't mind this, do ya?"

Applejack was uneasy despite her reply, "Not at all, Spike. Make yerself comfortable."

"Thanks."

Applejack and Spike continued their cloud watching as the wind brought in new clouds from other places of Equestria and in different shapes.

Rainbow: Nothing Happens: The Musical!

Matt: Musical?

Rainbow: Hey, I can wish for somethingdifferent here.  I’m trying not to yawn through this.

With Spike's head resting on her body, Applejack was flustered.

Matt: Ooh, “flustered.”  Wonder if he looked that one up or not?

She never had anypony, or anything for that matter, be so comfortable around her. To her, it was completely weird and foreign. But to her, it felt right.

Rainbow: Hey, AJ?  Remember not all that long ago when Spike was the biggest pain on the planet to you?  Remember how he almost got you killed by timberwolves?  Yeah, just think about that for a moment while you settle in there.

"Alright, I think I should head back to the library now. Twilight might get worried if I stay longer," Spike said, standing up and stretching his arms out.

Matt: What a perfunctory reminder that Spike is a child...

"Oh, alright then. Thank ya very much fer yer help, Spike. It was much appreciated," Applejack sat up from her position on the ground, keeping her eyes on the purple dragon.

Rainbow: Ouch, she should put those back in her head.

Spike turned back to the pony and warmly smiled, "It was no big deal, I had fun!"

"Heh, fun isn't what applebuckin' is about, sugarcube, but still thanks fer all yer hard work," Applejack smiled back.

"Of course. If ya need anymore help, just let me know!"

Applejack paused before continuing, "Actually, ah will need some help tomorra in the afternoon if yer okay with it. Ya don't hafta if ya don't wanna."

Matt: “I might try throwingyou into the trees tomorrow!”

Spike gave a smirk, "Consider me there!"

A pleasant expression appeared on the pony's face as she joked, "Yer spoilin' me, Spike. Ah think Twilight might get jealous."

Rainbow: If she hasn’t gotten jealous of Rarity yet, I think we’re safe.

Spike laughed before turning to leave, "Nah, don't worry about her. I'll see ya tomorrow!"

"See ya," Applejack watched the dragon walk out of her sight. When he was gone, the mare laid right back down on the grass, looking back up at the blue sky, watching the clouds roll by.

Matt: Blue sky.  I C Wut U Did Thar.

Chapter 3: Tangled Up In Blue

Matt: ...that’s a Bob Dylan reference.  *shudders*

Applejack continued to watch the clouds roll by in the sky.

Rainbow: If she’s still there, was the chapter break reallynecessary?  Did your hand wear out after writing a whole 719 words?

With a heavy sigh, the orange pony's stare into the blue sky was accompanied with thoughts about Spike.

Matt: STOP.  DESCRIBING.  THE COLORS OF THE EVERYTHING.  AJ is orange.  The sky is blue.  We freaking getit!

She couldn't help but think about him.

Rainbow: Yeah?  Well then, what color was he, huh, story?

'Why am ah so caught up with Spike? He's just a little dragon. Granted, quite cute, but he's jus' a little guy,' Applejack closed her eyes before continuing in her thoughts, 'It's jus' plain weird though. With Spike bein' so chummy and comfortable with me, it felt really nice.'

Matt: Yes.  Yes, it isweird.  Stop right now, AJ, back away from the fic, and let’s check you into some psychiatric care.

"Maybe ah'm jus' out of it right now," Applejack spoke aloud to herself, keeping her eyes closed.

Rainbow: Out of... time?

Matt: Out of your mind?

Rainbow: Out of your league?

Matt: Out of debt?

Rainbow: Out of Dodge?

"Well, of course you are, Applejack, your frown isn't upside down!" a cheery voice blurted out.

The startled orange mare opened her eyes quickly to see the upside down head of Pinkie Pie a few inches from her own.

Matt: Wait, if Pinkie’s upside down, then does that mean AJ’s frown isor isn’tupside down?  I’m lost in the point of reference, here.

"Wah! Uh….Pinkie?"

"Hiya!" the pink pony smiled, retreating her face back to the rest of her body.

Matt and Rainbow: GYAHH!  *both shudder*

Rainbow: Don’t DO that!  That’s horrifying!

Matt: What the buck is Ko, The Face Stealer doing in this fic?

Applejack sat up, "What are ya doin'?"

Matt: You eldritch abomination, you.

"I was playing hide-and-seek with the Cake twins, but I can't find them anywhere!" Pinkie stated to her fellow earth pony before calling out, "Come out, come out! Olly olly oxen free!"

Rainbow: Yeah, Olly!  Set those oxen free!  Ox-en free!  Ox-en free!

"Uh, ah don't think they'd be out here on the farm," the orange mare was puzzled with her friend.

Matt: Maybe you sacrificed them to a dark god for your horrific reality-bending powers and just forgot.

"You're right. So why are you so down?" Pinkie Pie tilted her head to the side.

Rainbow: “Because I’m laying on the grass.  Give me a moment and I can be up instead.”

Applejack laid back down on her back, "Ya want me ta be honest?"

"Aren't you the element of honesty?" Pinkie asked

Matt: Is this hackneyed or not?  I can’t even tell anymore.

Rainbow: I don’t know, but with all this AJ dialogue going on, it’s starting to look like the punctuation was done by a shotgun.

Applejack slightly smiled, "Guess ya gotta point. Ah guess ah feel like there's somethin' missin'. Like when Spike was here earlier, we were just starin' up at the clouds, and….it was quite amazin'."

"It was?"

Rainbow: Pinkie’s understandably confused, since the fic forgot to get that “amazing” feeling across to us.

The cheeks on Applejack's face were pink,

Matt: No, the cheeks on Applejack’s face are ORANGE.  They do not just CHANGE colors.  They may turnpink, they may be tingedwith pink, they may take on a pink hue, or perhaps even darkenwith embarrassment, but they are still ORANGE.

"Y-Yeah, it was really enjoyable….just bein' right next ta the little guy."

"Oh, Applejack, that's wonderful!" Pinkie picked up Applejack, giving her a tight hug.

The orange pony was confused, "It is?"

Rainbow: I’m confused, too, ‘cause from here, it seems more horrifying than wonderful.

"Yes, it is!" Pinkie chimed in,

Matt: “I’ll teach you how to make a shank!  You’ll rule the prison in no time!”

"You figured out what you're missing in record time! It's Spike!"

"Uh….ah'm not sure about that…." Applejack was skeptical despite being almost certain Pinkie's hunch was correct.

"Sure you're sure!" Pinkie's optimism answered.

Matt: I know Equestria’s laws are a bit loose compared to Earth’s, but I’m still not seeing how pederasty is considered a great idea.

"Hmm…." the orange pony looked back up to the sky, noticing it was getting darker.

Pinkie looked up to the blue sky as well. "Now I see why you two were doing cloud watching, there are some fun shapes!"

A smile returned to Applejack's face, "It sure was fun."

Rainbow: Against all odds.

The skygazing was interrupted by the twitching of Pinkie Pie's entire body. "Oh, twitch-a-twitch! Twitch-a-twitch! I know where Pound and Pumpkin Cake are! There are about to get to my super-secret-sugar-stash! I got to stop them!"

Matt: Okay, I knowI’m just being obtuse, but Pinkie’s behavior in this fic makes a lot more sense if I imagine that her “super-secret-sugar-stash” is actually her code word for her hidden cache of crystal meth.  This pony has gotto be high or something.

"Haha, alright, you go on ahead. Ah'll see ya around then, Pinkie,"

Pinkie Pie dashed off, "Bye-bye!"

Applejack raised a hoof to wave goodbye to her friend. Taking a deep breath, the orange mare

Rainbow: Really, story?  Is she orange?  Are you sureabout that?

softly gave a small smile, "Ya sure hit the nail on the head with that, Pinkie. Ah guess ah am missin' Spike."

Chapter 4: Stop Draggin' My Heart Around

Rainbow: Oh, I get it, because it’s a PUN.

Matt: ELO, Bob Dylan, and now Heart?  This author has some of the most eccentric tastes in music I’ve ever seen.

Celestia's sun was just beginning the go down in the east after another day of work at Sweet Apple Acres.

Matt: Stop.  Just stop.

Rainbow: Huh?

Matt: Tell me you see that.

Rainbow: I... *facehooves*  Oh, wow.  The sun going down in the east?

Matt: *throws up his arms*  I can’t even.  There is no more even.  We’re dealing with an author who can’t even figure out which direction the freaking sun travels.

Applejack was slightly troubled with her work during the day.

Rainbow: I’d be trouble, too, if the world had just suddenly switched its rotation.

This due to her recent revelation.

Matt: This not a sentence.

Rainbow: It’s the most sentence ever.

Almost 24 hours beforehoof, the orange mare came to the conclusion that she was fond of Spike the dragon. Despite her persistent mind thinking about the dragon, Applejack continued with her chores, including the barreling in the barn that she was doing when the purple dragon stopped by.

Rainbow: Barreling?  Did this story just, like, verb the word barreland just roll with it?

Matt: It’s not horrible as made-up words go, but it’s still not a WORD!

"Hey Applejack! I'm really sorry that I'm late! I had to help Twilight and I totally lost track of time!" Spike rushed through the open doors.

Matt: Wouldn’t he normally rush through the doors and thensay stuff to AJ?

Applejack was a bit caught of guard by his sudden appearance, "Huh?! Oh, howdy there, Spike. No need to fret. Just figured ah'd get started before ya got here."

"Well, seems ya didn't need me all that much," Spike commented, noticing that the pony was close to finishing her barreling.

Rainbow: Still not a word.  Also, what, exactly, would Spike have done to help?

Matt: He could have sent the barrels to Celestia, I guess.

Rainbow: *winces*  Ooh, just imagine expecting a letter and getting a 200-pound cask to the head instead...

The orange mare didn't turn to reply to Spike this time, "Ah guess, but ya can stick around if ya like." Her voice was meek, almost uncharacteristic for her.

Spike hopped up on top a barrel and began jumping from one to another until he got closer to Applejack, "Sure, why not? I like hanging around the farm." After enough hopping, he sat down on one of the barrels.

On her face, Applejack looked worried.

Matt: This writer seems to treat colors and expressions like Fuzzy-Felt stickers that he can just apply to the exterior of a character whenever he needs to.

She continued her barreling of the apples and tried to force herself to make small talk with Spike. The dragon seemed more than happy to oblige, talking about his day at the library.

Rainbow: “First, I slept.  Then I ate something.  Then I did a bunch of busy work for Twilight.  Then I ran away and came here instead, since I knew there was nothingI could do to help here.”

He in returned asked Applejack about how she was feeling. It was this question that caused her to fall silent.

Matt: ARRRRRGH, this passive voice is just killingme!  Not, the question did not CAUSE her to fall silent.  It did not gag her and put a gun to her head.  It may have promptedher to do so, but a character's actions should not be causedto happen by outside stimuli!

"Everything alright, AJ?" Spike asked with a puzzled look after a few moments of stillness.

Rainbow: “Sorry, Spike, I just appear to be a bit vaguely-written today.”

"Truth be told, ah'm not exactly sure," Applejack admitted.

Spike gave a concerned look, "What seems to be the problem?"

Matt: “Well, there’s this rash...”

Rainbow: “Nope!  I’m good now!  Bye!”

Taking a deep breath, Applejack turned to Spike and answered, "Spike, ah think ah'm keen on ya."

The dragon paused before replying, "Come again?"

Rainbow: *turns and stares at Matt*

Matt: *edges towards the armrest*  Nope!  Wasn’t even thinking it!  Stay away from me, you prismatic psycho!

Rainbow: *sticks her tongue out at Matt*  Huh... maybe you can learn.

"Ah mean it, ah really like ya."

The content and happy-go-lucky atmosphere around Spike vanished.

Rainbow: Wow, he’s reallydisappointed.

Matt: I mean, I know he was hoping for Rarity, but now he knows another of his friends is a potential foal-diddler.  That’s gotta bring you down.

What was left was a very nervous and bashful little dragon. With pink on his cheeks,

Rainbow: Apparently he was playing around in Twilight’s makeup kit before he came over.

Matt: This story just keeps raising more and more questions that I’d like answered.

Spike replied, "Oh….uh….well….I really like you too, Applejack….you are a great friend and what not…."

Rainbow: Is he reading from a cue card just offscreen?

Matt: I think he forgot his glasses if that’s the case.

Seeing the timid and blushing Spike caused Applejack to warmly smile and caused her own nervousness to vanish. Trotting closer to him, Applejack spoke, "Ah'm sorry if that sounded all sudden and weird fer ya. Didn't mean ta make things strange or nothin'.

Matt: Well, too bad, cause it’s freaking strange now!

It's jus' after a lotta thinkin', ah really like ya….well, maybe more than just likin' somepony…."

"For real?" Spike asked, his face blushing a bold pink.

"Really real, sugarcube," Applejack's smile seemed to rub off onto the dragon.

Rainbow: Cheap, imported smiles will rub off if you’re not careful with them.

Matt: It’s always better to by the real, Equestrian stuff.

"Well," looking away and rubbing one of his arms with the opposite claw, Spike began to state his mind, "I have to admit this is really sudden and stuff….but I would be lying if I said I didn't think you were pretty cool, Applejack. And I have always liked helping you out with stuff on the farm because….well, you wouldn't treat me like a some sort of baby."

Matt: Sure, he might accidentally almost wreck the place while trying.

Rainbow: I mean, just because he isa baby is no reason to treat him like one, right?

Spike's face not only had a smile, but was also blushing fiercely.

Matt: *gets up, walks slowly over to the wall, and starts to repeatedly slam his head against it*

Finally, with a nervous smile, Spike turned back to face Applejack.

The dragon's innocent and tense expression was enough to make Applejack softly chuckle.

Rainbow: Innocent andtense?  How does that even work?

Matt: I don’t know, but if this author puts one more adverb in front of the verb it’s modifying, I’m going to start cutting myself.

With a smile, she planted a light peck on Spike's forehead. "Do ya know that yer mighty adorable, sugarcube?"

Spike couldn't help but give a small laugh at Applejack's comment, causing his face to grow an even bolder shade of red.

Rainbow: I think he’s going to explode.

While the two laughed at their own awkward moment of admitting their feelings, an idea entered the mare's mind, "Say Spike, hop on mah back, will ya?"

Matt: Bad touch!  Bad touch!  I need an adult!

Spike agreed to do so, and Applejack took the two of them to the barn's ladder that would go up to the second floor rafters. Being careful with her steps, Applejack carried Spike to the front wooden wall, where just below was the entrance that Spike entered not too long ago. Applejack signaled for Spike to dismount from her, to which he did so.

Rainbow: “There, now nopony will see us so I won’t go to jail.”

The dragon looked at the wall that Applejack seemed to be fiddling around with.

Matt: A grown mare just admitted to wanting a romantic relationship with a toddler.Pleasedon’t use the word “fiddling” in your story.

Suddenly, with a grunt from Applejack as she pushed the wall, it opened, revealing that it was the second floor door which is normally used for getting items to the second floor of the barn for storage.

Rainbow: This sentence brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

Both the pony and dragon looked out from the second floor door to see the setting sun in the distance, accompanied by a breathtaking landscape. As Celestia's sun was setting, it painted the sky multiple colors.

Matt: Given this story’s level of subtext, it probably did so with an actual paintbrush.

With a smirk, Applejack looked at Spike who seemed to be at a loss for words, "What'cha think, sugarcube?"

Matt: “It’s the same sun that we just saw a few moments ago, only now we’re slightly taller and more precarious.  Are you not impressed?”

"Whoa…." was all Spike could utter. The beauty of the scenery left the dragon astonished.

Applejack laid on her stomach on top of a nearby bushel of hay, "This little getaway spot is kinda a secret of mine. Ah always liked comin' up here alone after a hard day's work, but ah don't mind sharin' it with a special dragon."

Matt and Rainbow: *shudder*

Rainbow: There’s some serious creepy vibes coming off of this fic, man.

Spike smiled at Applejack's words as he sat down to lean back against Applejack's body, "I would be honored to."

Applejack gave a warm laugh before she kissed Spike's check lovingly. The two continued watched the sunset from the top of the barn.

Inside, Applejack finally felt that the void that was previously present was completely gone. It had been filled by her love of a small purple dragon.

Matt: The void in her life was filled by HER love of somepony else?  Even if that made sense, it still doesn’t.

Rainbow: I just think it’s funny how you’ve finally started saying “somepony” by default instead of “someone”.

Matt: Well, after a few months, it just doesn’t make sense anymore.  I mean, I amthe only human here, after all.

END

Rainbow: Oh, thank the Sisters, it cut before things got reallyweird.

Matt: Did it?  Did it really?

I took a moment to shake myself as the story faded out.  “Well, thatwas uncomfortable,” I said.

Rainbow agreed wholeheartedly.  “You’re not kidding, dude.  I mean, you said the show only covered up to, what, a maximum of two or three years after Twilight came to Ponyville?  I mean, Spike’s barely the size of a pony now, and it’s years later than the show ever portrayed.”

“So,” Luna chimed in, “I take it you are satisfied with your riff?”

“I think so,” I replied.  “Did we get it?  Please tell me we beat it.”

Luna consulted her charts.  “Things are stabilized for now, but do not be surprised if we are required to revisit romance fics in the future.”

“They’re a never-ending source of riff-bait,” I agreed.

“Well, I shall see you both again soon!  Good night to you both!”

Luna blinked out as the call ended and the TV shut itself off.  I leaned back against the couch, slumping into the cushions.  “Romance, pah,” I spat.  “These fanfic writers wouldn’t know romance if it took them to bed.  It’s so easy to spot authors who have no idea what they’re writing about.”

Rainbow looked over at me.  “Are you saying you can tell this author doesn’t understand love?”

“What, is it not obvious?  It is to me.”

My wingmare gave me a hard stare, evaluating me.  “Okay, fine,” she said, “prove it to me.”

I started.  “I, huh?  What do you mean?”

“Explain love to me.  I assume you know what you’re talking about, so explain it.”

I took a deep breath, not really expecting the topic to come up quite so abruptly.  “It—look, the main problem inexperienced writers make is they mistake love for an emotion.  They mix it up with a schoolfilly crush, like this one, or they just confuse it for lust because they think that sex equals love.”

I glanced over at Rainbow, who was leaning in, listening attentively to what I had to say.  I tried to not feel nervous.

“The thing about emotions is that they’re like fires.  They can burn low or hot, fast or slow, broadly or contained.  They can also start and end.  What you feel today might not be the same thing you feel tomorrow.  Emotions are fickle, and dictated largely by whims and circumstances.”  I looked down at my hands.  “Love can’t depend on something so flighty.”

“So... what isit about, then?” Rainbow asked quietly.

“The thing about attraction and lust is that they’re all about you.  You desire something that somepony else has, and you want it.  Their personality, or a trait, or just their body—what it is doesn’t really matter.  The point is that you want it for yourself.  It’s not necessarily wrongto want somepony else, but it’s not good to use as the sole basis for a lasting relationship.  It’s a poor foundation.

“Real love isn’t like that.  It’s never about you.  It’s always about somepony else.  Emotions will, at some point, fade and flicker.  Hopefully not forever, but there will always be times when you lose that feeling.  Love is a commitment, and that doesn’t just die out.”

I suddenly realized that Rainbow had scooted all the way over to my side as she listened.  She looked almost enraptured by what I was saying.  “And... you can tell?” she asked.

“When you understand the real thing, you can spot a fake without much trouble.”

Rainbow looked up at me.  It wasn’t easy to read her eyes, but they looked hesitant, almost fearful.  “You’ve been in love before, then?”

I looked away, nodding slowly.  “Yeah.  It—It’s been a while, but I had the real thing.  I was married once.”

“Are—did coming here end that?”

Her voice seemed so sad and worried that I had to put a hand on her hoof to reassure her.  “No, it was a few years ago.  I—” I shook my head, fighting down old emotions.  “She passed on long before I was brought to Equestria.”

“Matt, I’m so sorry...”

I looked back down at Dash’s sad eyes.  “It’s okay,” I said, “I’ve had my grieving time.  Now it’s just a dull ache, remembering what I’d lost.  But it makes me cling a little more tightly to the things I care about now.”  I craned my neck around, looking back into the rest of the small house.  “Which does remind me,” I said slowly, “I had something I wanted to bring up to you.”

“Yeah?”

“Well,” I hesitated, hoping that this wasn’t about to come off all awkward.  “See, you’ve pretty much been living here.  I mean, you spend at least some of most days here with me, and you’ve crashed on my couch more than a few times in the last five months.”

Dash’s ears perked forward anxiously.  “Wait, are you...  Is that a problem?”

“What?  No!  Of course not—having you around has been awesome.  I just thought that... well...”  I swept my hair back nervously with one hand.  “I was thinking about cleaning those few boxes out of the spare room.  If you’d like, you’re welcome to have it.”

Rainbow’s ears folded down slightly as a grin spread across her muzzle.  “Are... are you asking me to move inwith you?”

“I, uh, heh—I guess I sorta am.  What do you say, Skittles, wanna be roommates?”

“I really do,” she replied, letting herself sink in fully against my side.  Without really thinking about it, I let my arm drift over and wrap itself around her shoulders as she lay against me.  We both just sat there, silently staring at nothing for several minutes, simply enjoying the feeling of a close friend by our sides.

“Matt?” Dash asked, barely above a whisper, “what are we?”

I didn’t say anything at first.  I didn’t really have anything tosay.  The same question had been in my head all day today, even if I hadn’t thought of it in those exact terms before.  “I don’t really know,” I said slowly.  “I don’t really have the words for it right now.”

“But... this is okay, right?”

I scratched my fingers through the fur of her shoulder, which drew a contented sigh from the mare.  “This is better than just okay, Dash.  Just because I’m not prepared to put a label or anything on us doesn’t mean we’re not doing fine.  We’ll always be friends, and we’ll always be a team.  After that, well...  We can just take our time and figure it out for ourselves.”

That seemed to be just fine with Rainbow, as she settled in, her chin resting on my thigh.  “Hey,” she said, looking at the front window, “it’s snowing...”

I glanced outside, where I could just see the first flakes of the season starting to fall, glinting in the light of the full moon.  I wasn’t one for omens or anything like that, but I couldn’t deny what I was feeling at the moment.

Here, in this strange land, cut off from almost everything that made me human in the first place, with a mare at my side, I felt at peace.

It was perfect.

-fin-

[01] Queen of Cloudsdale, Pt. 1

The rain fell sparsely as I folded up yet another empty cardboard box and added it to a growing stack near the front door.  All around me, piles of what could only be called "stuff" were spreading, taking over this living space I now called home.It was a fine enough domicile as such things went—and one that was actually built to fit a human's dimensions, no less.

I sliced open yet another box of freshly purchased items and dropped the pair of scissors to the carpet.  I glanced inside.Hmm, mostly dishes.  I guess I'll move that one to the kitchen before unpacking it.

I stood, unable to resist taking a huge stretch.  It had to go sideways on account of the ceiling only being eight feet up, but it felt good to finally be able to expand myself in a room without knocking things over.  As I bent to pick up my crate of flatware, I heard a knock come from the open door.

"Hey!  Anypony home in here?"

Straightening back up, I turned to see my new friend, compatriate, buddy, and cohort;Rainbow Dash.  Despite only having been in Equestria for a few weeks, the two of us had hit it off fast.  Maybe it was because there was finally someone around who she couldn't outwrestle, or maybe just because we both had athletic backgrounds.  I don't know.  All I know is that once the initial shock of my arrival had worn off (as well as the surprise that I knew everything from the show about her and her friends), the two of us had hung out nearly constantly.  It was one of the few things that made me almost forgive Pinkie Pie for replacing my bathroom door with a portal to Equestria.

I had really needed the bathroom at the time, too...

At any rate, after realizing that I was the only human stuck in a world of talking equines with no obvious way of getting home again, having a best friend (and now a home) was the broken spar of normalcy that I was clinging to in an ocean of weird.

I shook myself back into the moment.  "What up, Dashie?  Come on in."

Dash walked in from the covered porch, obviously resisting the urge to shake more water out of her wings.  "Dude, are you reallygoing to stick with that nickname?  You knowI hate being called 'Dashie'."

I grinned.  "Yeah, I know.  S'why I do it."

Rainbow rolled her eyesas she stepped in and started looking around.  "So, Matt, this is it, huh?  The new place?"

"Seems so."  I glanced around, a bit proud of my home.  "And it's all mine, too.  I've got a spare bedroom, a large kitchen, and an absolutely perfect place for my new TV and stuff.  Once I finally get all of these boxes squared away, I'll be set!"

"Seriously, dude, where didyou get all of this from?" she asked, looking over the pile of discarded boxes—and the remaining stacks of full ones.

"I, uh," I said, frowning slightly, "I had to get a bit of a loan from Luna.  She said I can pay her back when I get a job."

"So, she gives you a house for free, and makes you loan the bits to fill it?"

I nodded.

"Yeah, okay, why not..." Dash muttered as she threw herself onto my couch.  "So, where have you been lately?  I haven't seen you since Pinkie's 'Welcome the Extradimensional Alien to Ponyville' party, and you sorta disappeared halfway through that."

"Yeah, I stilldon't know why she couldn't have just said 'human' on the sign," I said, shaking my head.  "See, the thing is, well..."  I felt my face growing warm.  "There was an... incident."

Dash flipped over to face me, her muzzle propped up on the arm of the couch.  "Oh, I know that tone.  This is gonna be good."

I took a seat on one of my still-cellophane-wrapped kitchen chairs.  "Okay, see, the thing is, I'm taller than most ponies are.  By quite a bit."

She snorted.  "You're only a few inches taller than me, dude!"

"Well, yeah, sure, if you're standing on your hind legs.  Common rooms are built plenty high in this town, but hallways and back rooms  are generally sized more for getting about on four legs.  Plus, as it turns out, your buildings can be ridiculously prone to termite infestations."

"Seriously?" Dash replied, her face scrunched up in what I had come to recognize as disbelief.

"Yeah.  You've got it freaking nice up there in the clouds.  I mean, Derpy was able to sit straight through the floor of City Hall.  That ain't normal."

"Well, neither is the wayyou knewabout things like thatin our world before you ever showed up here."  Rainbow shook her head in amusement, her mane waving about.  "So, is there a point to this little architectural lesson?"

"Well..."  I blushed again.  "At the party, I was looking for the bathroom.  The ceiling in that hallway was only right at my head level, and I kinda stood up too fast."

"So, your head..."

"Yup."  I grimaced.  "Broke the ceiling."

Dash smirked.  "Okay, that's pretty funny, but hardly worth running away over."

"Oh, it wasn't my idea," I countered.  "See, it wouldn't have been a problem had someone not been on the second floor, directly above me at the time."

She smirked again, a mischievous grin working onto her face.

"And it reallywould have been less of a deal had it not been Princess Luna.  She didn't appreciate it when her weight and the cracks from my head caused the floor to collapse from under her."

Rainbow snorted, trying hard to not miss any of the story.

"I mean, shefell on me, not the other way around!"

The mare's snorts were almost constant now, her eyes starting to water from holding her laughter in.

"And it only lookedimproper at first glance!  Any pony could clearlysee that I was being suffocated by herflank!"

The dam broke, and Rainbow fell off the couch, rolling on the floor in a fit of belly laughs.  I scowled at her, not that she noticed.  "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, Skittles."

Dash tried to get herself under control, climbing back to her hooves and wiping the tears out of her eyes.  "Oh, wow, I'm sorry.  I'm better now," she claimed between chuckles.  "So you broke Sugarcube Corner, then—*snrrk*—molested the Moon Goddess herself, and you got a sweet new house out of the deal?  Seems pretty nice to me."

I shrugged, still pretty red in the face.  "It's not all bad.  The TV is huge, the bed is comfy, apparently the internet works between dimensions, and I finally have a refrigerator I can store my own food and drinks in."

"Not allbad?  Dude, it sounds allawesome to me."

"Yeah, well..."  I sighed.  "The thing is, I'm sort of under house arrest, and Luna made sure thishouse had a few extra... features."

Dash's muzzle scrunched up again.  "Such as?"

"Well, the door and window locks aren't in my control.  Every so often, Luna locks me in my house without my consent and forces me to sit through some of the worst fanfiction imaginable."

Rainbow stared at me blankly.

"Yup," I confirmed.  "This is my penance."

"Okay, wow."  Dash put a hoof to her head as though getting over a headache.  "That's a little bit hilarious, actually.  I knew Luna was a bit of a prankster, but this is a new level of greatness."

I couldn't resist a grin of my own.  "Yeah, she's got some epic-level trolling skills, no doubt.  I mean, it could be worse, of course.  Not that this won't be really, reallybad on its own, but it could be worse.  I mean, I amallowed to riff them, so that'll be nice."

Rainbow nodded absently.  "So...  alone?"

I did a doubletake.  "I, what?"

"Did she say you had to do it alone?"

I think my own face scrunched a bit in confusion.  "Wait, what?  You did notjust volunteer for this, did you?  Dash, this is gonna suuuuck."

Rainbow shrugged her wings in a way that I've always been rather envious of.  "Eh, why not?  It kinda sounds fun, and definitely not the sort of thing that you should have to suffer through by yourself.  I mean, we play pretty well off each other—and sarcasm?"  She snorted breezily.  "Forget about it, right?  That's right up my street.  Lemme try it out once, you never know.  Maybe we'll be a good team!"

I laughed.  "All right, but don't say I didn't warn ya," I agreed, holding out my fist to her.

"Deal."  She bumped it with her hoof, grinning.  "So, when does Luna usually send you these things, anyway?"

I frowned slightly.  "Well, she hasn't sent me one yet.  But she does know that I'm moving in today, so I'm almost half expecting her to—"

The large flatscreen TV in the corner of the room suddenly burst into life of its own volition, a loud punch of static coming from the speakers.  Both Rainbow and I jumped, startled by the intrusion.  Within a second, though, the screen steadied to show the face of Luna, still in her room in Canterlot.  "Well met, Matt.  I see thou—I mean, you—are settling into thy dwelling well.  We have a task for you and... Rainbow Dash?"

Rainbow stepped up to my side.  I felt her flail her hoof against my back a few times, apparently trying to reach my shoulders, before giving up and settling for my waist.  "Hey, Princess Luna," she said casually.  "Matt told me what's going on here, and I'm in."

The indigo-coated alicorn nodded agreeably.  "This is most unexpected, but certainly not unwelcome.  Thou should be grateful to have such a friend as Rainbow Dash."

I grinned.  "Oh, I am.  And if you stick to your Princess of Trolls method, I get the idea that I'm going to need the help."

Luna's face practically lit up.  "Huzzah!  The mental anguish has been doubled!"

Rainbow and I facepalmed simultaneously.

"Let us begin your penance!" Luna cried as the door magically slammed shut, an ominous clickcoming from every outside door and window.

Rainbow swallowed loudly as we both shrugged and sat down on the couch.  "You know," I said trying to distract myself, "this thing really is pretty comfortable."

"Your first assignment, should you choose to accept it—and thou mustaccept it or be imprisoned in ourdungeons—is to view a story called Queen of Cloudsdale, featuring—"  She stopped, suddenly perking up even more.  "Oh, what happy circumstance!"

"Uh oh," I muttered, “she’s happy...”

"Featuring Rainbow Dash!"

"What?" Dash squeaked.  "Your first fanfic is about me?  So awesome!"

"Trust me," I said, "it's not the honor you think it is."

Luna picked up a notepad, scanning over it.  "Let us see here...  Twilight gave us notes as to the protocol for this sort of thing..."

I turned to Dash and silently mouthed, Twilight?She shrugged back at me.

"Apparently I am to flip this switch here, which will activate your beacon."  The alicorn's hoof hit a toggle off-screen, and true to her word, a large yellow light appeared on the wall of my house and began to throw garish yellow light across the room.  "Once the indicator has been lit, it is customary for the recipients in question to declare the presence of the story, upon which the story may begin!"

I groaned.  "Seriously?  We have to call it?"

Luna scowled, almost pouting.  "Yes.  Or else dungeon.  One thousand years."

I shrugged.  "All right, Dashie, let's do this thing."

She growled at my use of her hated nicknameas I crowed my challenge to the task at hand:

"WE GOT STORY SIGN!"

- - - - -

Queen of Cloudsdale, by hamcon

Chapter 1 - "I'm a Queen?"

*Knock* *knock* *Knock*

*Matt: I couldn’t understand why the mail pegasus couldn’t just leave the package on the porch like I told him to.*

Rainbow Dash stirred in her sleep from the knocking on her door.  She didn't want to answer it, it was her day off, and she wanted to sleep in.  She turned her head so her face was on the pillow, but felt some resistance, like there was something coming out of her head, but was too tired to check.

*Rainbow: I would think that if I felt something coming out of my head, that would take priority over sleep.  I mean, I like naps as much as any pony—*

*Matt: Or more.*

***Rainbow: *glares* but really, something coming out of my* head?**

*knock* *knock* *knock*

*Matt: Penny...*

She was now getting irritated by the constant knocking; she grabbed her pillow and put it around her ears in hopes to muffle out the knocking.

***Rainbow: How would somepony even be knocking on my door?  It’s made of* clouds!**

*knock* *knock* *knock*

*Matt: Sounds like your house is knocking, there, Rainbow.  You might want to switch to a premium gasoline.*

*Rainbow: Say what now?*

***Matt: Okay, if we’re going to do this together, you have* gotto spend some time on the internet learning about Earth pop culture.  This just isn’t going to work as a one-way street.**

She couldn't take it anymore; she jumped out of her bed and stormed to the door, not bothering to notice that everything looked smaller now.  She opened the door and glared at the knocker.

***Rainbow: Stupid knocker.  It’s definitely my* leastfavorite part of the door, right behind the mail slot.**

"What do you want?" She growled, the knocker was no other than Pinkie Pie, being held afloat by balloons tied around her stomach.

"Hi yeah Dashie!  I wanted to see if you would like to come out to play and... Oh, when did you get so big, and when did you get a horn?" Pinkie was saying, until she noticed that the Pegasus looked different, but was still smiling.

*Matt: Looking different always puts me in a bad mood, so I can see why Pinkie might be surprised by your smile.*

"H-horn?  B-bigger?" Rainbow Dash stuttered, before running to her bathroom to see not a tomboy Pegasus, but a beautiful Alicorn.

*Rainbow: *catches Matt staring at her* ...What?*

*Matt: I thought you might be offended by the implication that tomboys aren’t beautiful.*

*Rainbow: Not really.  I mean, maybe a little.*

*Matt: Huh.  Well, I’m sure the reaction I expected will come eventually.*

She was most likely just a hoof smaller than Celestia, her wings were much larger, looking more like an eagles than a falcons,

*Matt: "An eagles."  *sighs*  Anyway, I really wouldn’t have compared your wings in the show to either one, actually.*

*Rainbow: *spreads a wing out* Something wrong with my wings?*

*Matt: Nah, but the show has a really simplistic style.  It doesn’t do you pegasi justice.*

her mane and tail were much longer, in fact, she swore she could see it sparkle.

*Rainbow: *gags**

***Matt:* There'sthe reaction I expected.**

Then there was her newest appendage, her horn, it was almost as long as Celestia's.  She began to hyperventilate, her mind refusing to believe the fact that she was now an Alicorn.

*Matt: Well, it’s good to see a character in a fanfic that actually responds to changes in an understandable way.*

She began to think about what happened yesterday.  “Okay calm down Rainbow, what did you do yesterday.  You got up, brushed your teeth, had a shower, had some breakfast while reading the Cloudsdale Press, to find out that King Wind Crasher died.

*Rainbow: One of these things stands out somehow.*

*Matt: *NNNRRT* PLOT POINT  *NNNRRT* PLOT POINT  *NNNRRT* PLOT POINT*

Then I went through my daily routine of work, friends, naps, and then sleep.  I can’t think of anything that could have done this, so why is it happening!?” She mentally screamed, shaking her head.

Pinkie came into the house, to see her friend hyperventilate.

*Matt: She had been waiting to see it all morning.  It had gotten great reviews in the Foal Free Press.*

"Dashie, are you alright?" Pinkie Pie asked, not sure how to handle this, she could handle parties sure, and the Cakes twins, but making an Alicorn happy was not something she had experience with.

*Matt: Ow, these comma splices.*

*Rainbow: Ow, that nickname.*

Rainbow Dash turned to her friend, "Pinkie, I'm going to Twilight’s, to figure out what happened,” with that she ran out of her house and flew to the library.

As she was flying, she did her best to not get spotted by passing Pegasi.

*Matt: You hide from your fans now?*

*Rainbow: Hey, autographs are time consuming!*

Whenever one did come she would hide behind a cloud, or fly below them.

*Matt: Nopony ever thinks to look down...*

It was hard work for her, but she did not want to be treated like a princess, she didn’t even know if this was permanent.

*Matt: I would have thought that you’d be enjoying the popularity.*

*Rainbow: Why would you think that?*

*Matt: *cough*Mare Do Well*cough**

*Rainbow: You jerk!  *punches Matt in the arm**

Rainbow got to Twilights house and began to slam her hoof against the wooden door.

*Matt: For the first time ever, you use the door.*

*Rainbow: Windows are quicker and easier, it’s true.*

Twilight was busy cleaning the library with her assistant Spike, when she heard somepony slamming at her door.

*Matt: Knocking hadn’t gotten results fast enough.  On to full-body slams!*

"Twilight!  I need to talk to you!"

Twilight realized that the voice that was yelling was Rainbow Dash, but she always barged in, not slam her door.

***Rainbow: Okay, I suppose I* didjust admit to that.**

*Matt: Though I’d have appreciated slightly more grammar in any case...*

She opened the door, causing her mouth to gape open when she saw Rainbow Dash tower above her, as an Alicorn.

*Rainbow: Is this going to be a thing in this fic?  Is “Alicorn” always going to be capitalized like that?*

*Matt: If I had to guess, I’d say yes.*

***Rainbow:* Howmany more parts are there to this thing?**

*Matt: Um...*

*Luna (from TV): Several.*

*Rainbow: *groans**

"Rainbow Dash?  What happened to you?" Twilight asked, trying to wrap her head around this new dilemma

*Matt: The author ninja’d the period there.*

***Rainbow: Is she* actuallytrying to wrap her head around me?  Sounds hard on the neck.**

"That is what I am wondering?  Can you send a letter to Celestia?" Rainbow Dash asked.

***Rainbow: Do I* reallysound like that?**

*Matt: Maybe you did in a grade school play, but not now.*

Twilight nodded and called to Spike.  "Spike!  Take a letter!"

***Matt: You have* one jobto do, Spike!**

There was some crashing coming from the room Spike was in, when he came over to them with a paper and quill.

Twilight cleared her throat and spoke.

*Rainbow: It was much more successful than the letter she tried to dictate via interpretive dance.*

***Matt: Now* that’sa mental image...**

Dear Princess Celestia,

My friend Rainbow Dash woke up as an Alicorn, and she wants to know why this is.

Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle.

*Matt: Brevity is the soul of wit, I guess.*

*Rainbow: Given the circumstances, Twilight could be forgiven for skipping the pleasantries.*

*Matt: Still, makes you wonder why she needed to go to the trouble of dictating it.*

With that Spike rolled up the letter and blew his magic fire to send it.

*Matt: Now get the heck out of this scene, Spike.  What do you think you are, a main character?*

"Well Rainbow, Celestia will be getting it soon, then we can find out what happened," Twilight said, smiling.

*Rainbow: Well Rainbow?*

*Matt: Is this fic introducing new characters now?*

"Thanks Twilight," Rainbow Dash said, in a saddened tone.

*Rainbow: And now we meet Thanks Twilight!*

*Matt: Commas are important, guys.  “Eats, shoots, and leaves.”*

Twilight stared at her friend with concern, she never saw Rainbow Dash act like this.

"Rainbow, what's wrong?"

*Matt: Did you forget about the javelin coming out of her forehead?*

Rainbow’s eyes watered as she answered."I'm scared,"

Twilight couldn't believe what she heard, Rainbow Dash was scared?  She never heard her say that.

***Rainbow: Because it’s just* suchan unreasonable reaction to being freaking transformed in your sleep.  Sheesh...**

"What are you scared of Rainbow?" she asked, sitting next to the saddened Pegasus turned Alicorn.

*Matt: Aaaand, the fic answers its own question.*

"I'm scared that I will have to leave Ponyville; scared that I will live longer than you girls; scared that you won't be my friends, and I'm especially scared that I will be forced to no longer see you,” Rainbow confessed, soon tears were falling out, she hated doing this in front of anypony, especially a friend, but she couldn’t help it.

***Matt: Okay, it hurts, but I have to ignore the* numerous comma splices for a moment.  The reaction is good, and I respect your mental skills, Rainbow, but you made some rather incredible leaps of logic pretty freaking quickly.**

***Rainbow: Yeah, I have to agree with you there.  In reality, I think I’d still be trying to get over the fact that a* hornhad grown out of my face.**

"Rainbow, I know for a fact that Celestia would never force you to leave Ponyville, and we will always be your friends, Princess or not, and no force in Equestria can stop us," Twilight proclaimed, standing up to face her friend, a determined look on her face.

*Matt: Intense Twilight is intense.*

*Rainbow: Do I hear electric guitars?*

This caused the cyan Alicorn to smile and nuzzle Twilight.  "Thank you,"

*Matt: Bow chicka bow wow...*

*Rainbow: *glares**

"That is what friends are for,"

*Matt: BOW CHICKA BOW—OW, jeez, Rainbow!  *clutches at his now-sore arm**

*Rainbow: *rubs her punching hoof, grinning evilly**

Spike stared at the situation with annoyance, and did a gagging expression, but was interrupted when an actual gagging reflex happened, and he burped up a letter.

*Rainbow: Well, he sent a letter and received a letter.  Wanna bet on if he shows up again in this story?*

*Matt: Nooo thank you.  I like my bits right where they are.*

"That was quick," Twilight commented before opening up and reading it.

My Faithful Student Twilight,

I can tell you why this,

*Matt: Why, Twilight.  Why you this?*

*Rainbow: Hey look, there’s a “happened” on the ground.  Story, you drop this?*

*Matt: Nice.*

but I prefer to talk to her in person,

*Matt and Rainbow: PONY*

I will be there the next day, I am also bringing the mayor of Cloudsdale and Las Pegasus with me, all shall be explained soon.

Princess Celestia

"Why is she bringing the mayor of Equestria's two biggest Pegasus population?" Rainbow asked.

*Rainbow: Because it was easier than finding two Alicorn populations?*

*Matt: Still with the needless capitalizations.  Jeez, this fic...*

"I don't know, but we better tell all our friends about you," Twilight said.

*Matt: That is a terrible sentence, and it sounds even worse coming from Twilight.*

Rainbow nodded and walked out with Twilight.

*Matt: Is it Beige in here, or is that just me?*

*Rainbow: What?*

*Matt: Beige Prose.  Completely boring writing.  As interesting to read as a blank beige wall.*

*Rainbow: Ah, I gotcha.*

The day went by with the citizens of Ponyville not knowing whether to bow at Rainbow or not.

Rainbow noticed them looking at her, and tried her best to hide behind her wing.

***Matt: Again, I’m sorry, but you* loveattention.**

*Rainbow: I do not!*

*Matt: *meaningful look**

*Rainbow: Well, okay, maybe a bit...*

“Rainbow Dash, I know that this is hard for you, but you have to realize that all Alicorns are considered royalty, and seeing you as an Alicorn makes them nervous,” Twilight explained, trying her best to cheer up her friend, but she noticed that it wasn’t working.

*Rainbow: It didn’t help that Twilight was reminding her of the inherent racism and class elitism in the pony culture.*

*Matt: Alicorns always trying to keep the pegasus man down!*

“Twilight, I don’t want them to see me as royalty, I want them to see me as Rainbow Dash, the Pegasus that did the Sonic Rainboom and won the Best Young Flyers Competition,”

*Matt: Aaand, that’s all the author could remember about you, I guess.*

***Rainbow: I* mighthave friends and emotions and stuff, too, but whatever.**

Twilight couldn’t help but agree with Rainbow Dash, her friend loved to brag how awesome she was, but now being an Alicorn, well, ponies will suspect her of doing all those things.

*Matt: ...what?*

*Rainbow: Ponies would suspect me of doing all the things I did?  Isn’t that redundant?*

The two ponies got to Carousel Boutique, and went inside to find Rarity.

*Matt: Welcome to Carousel Boutique, now apparently a town instead of a building!*

*Rainbows: “The” is such a small word, yet it counts for so much.*

“Rarity!  Are you here!?” Twilight shouted, waiting for an answer.  What she got instead was a loud crash, followed by some yelling.

“Sweetie Bell!  Look at what you’ve done,”

***Matt: "It’ll take all* weekto hide all these bodies!"**

*Rainbow: Daaaark.  Nice.*

*Matt: I try.*

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,”

*Matt: Mass murder is just part of her programming.  Crush, Kill, Destroy, Swag.*

*Rainbow: I feel like I'm missing something...*

The unicorn and Alicorn stared at each other and shook their heads.

“Sweetie Bell, go check who is here, while I clean up this mess,”

“Yes sis,”

*Rainbow: "Good thing the police commissioner owes me all those favors."*

*Matt: *snort**

The two ponies saw Rarity’s little sister, Sweetie Bell, come down the stairs, but stopped mid step when she saw Rainbow Dash.

“Rarity!  Your friends are here, and Rainbow got a new look!” Sweetie Bell yelled.

*Matt: Understatement, thy name is Sweetie Belle.*

*Rainbow: Gaining a horn and twelve inches in height counts as a "look?"*

Rainbow Dash felt her heart stop,

*Matt: It was a cardiac arrhythmia and she died.  The end.*

she had no idea how Rarity would react to her, she held her breath while she saw Rarity walk down the stairs.

*Rainbow: She held it too long and died.  The end.*

***Matt: Hey, that's* youyou're talking about!**

***Rainbow: What?  This is about as far from me as you can* get!  Besides, you started the trend, I'm just going with it.**

“Well, I was not expecting my friends to come over, and what is this new look... Rainbow... Has?” Rarity started to say, but was interrupted by the sight that befell her, Rainbow Dash as an Alicorn.

*Matt: Dat comma splice.*

*Rainbow: Haven't we ignored at least a dozen of those by this point?*

***Matt: Dat comma splice* again.**

Her jaw was opened wide, and her eyes bulged.

*Matt: Urge to make... dirty comment... rising...*

***Rainbow: *panicked look at the TV* Luna,* pleasetell me we don't have to do any of thosekinds of fics!**

*Luna (from TV): You don't have to do any clopfics.*

*Matt and Rainbow: Phew.*

*Luna: ...Yet.*

*Matt: What.*

Twilight and Rainbow wanted to do something, but didn’t have to when a fly flew into Rarity’s mouth and down her throat, causing her cough.

*Matt: The syntax seems rather off here.*

*Rainbow:  Apparently, the fly was so powerful that it went back in time and caused the cough Rarity already had.*

“I’m sorry for staring, but why is Rainbow Dash an Alicorn before me!?” Rarity yelled.

*Matt:  "Is this an alicorn I see before me, the horn to my hand?"*

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow and gave a small smirk. “Before you?”

“Well...Uh... You see,” Rarity stammered, trying to make up an excuse.

*Rainbow: Rarity had been conducting a series of brutal experiments on ponies, searching for the key to alicorn ascension.*

*Matt: The Celestian Intelligence Agency had been searching for her for years.*

Rainbow chuckled and waved her hoof.  “Don’t worry about it Rares, Me and Twilight are just here to see how you would react, and your reaction was pretty funny,”

*Rainbow: Comma splice or missing one for the address.  Either way, really funny to read out loud.*

“Oh, thank goodness, well Rainbow Dash, since of your new... size,

*Matt: Beyotch, who you callin' fat?*

*Rainbow: Well, since of, after all.*

I think you should get measured, what do you say?”  Rarity asked, hoping that the answer would be yes.

“Sure, I’ll come over later; just don’t make me wear all that girly stuff,”

“Rainbow, what type of mare do you think I am?”

***Matt: Okay, context or no,* thatjust sounded dirty.**

*Rainbow: As much as I want to make fun of you for being a typical male, you're kinda right.*

 Rarity said, Rainbow just shook her head smiling, and walked out of the boutique with Twilight close behind.

***Matt: This author must have gotten a* greatdeal on commas to be sprinkling them around so liberally.**

"That went better than I expected," Twilight said.

*Rainbow: She knew about Sweetie's kill streak beforehoof, so it could have gone a lot worse.*

Rainbow was not that optimistic, "Let's see how the rest of our friends will react,"

***Matt: Because why not.  One reaction was dull, two was tedious, so six should be* great.**

"Should we go to Pinkie next?" Twilight asked.

Rainbow shook her head, "No, she already knows, and besides, she is probably planning a party for me," she explained, getting a knowing nod from Twilight.

"That's true, how about we go to Applejack next?"

"Yeah, let's go,"

*Rainbow: How bad could this be?*

*Matt: Never ask that!*

Thankfully, the walk to Sweet Apple Acres didn’t have that many ponies, so Rainbow could actually let her wings rest at her sides.

When Twilight and Rainbow Dash got to the farm, they saw Applejack doing her usual thing, bucking trees and having the apples fall down into baskets.

***Matt: Having the apples... Whaaaa?  There's* passivevoice and then there's that.**

Twilight thought that out of all their friends, Applejack would take the news quite well and not overreact.

*Rainbow: Not exactly what you'd call subtle with the foreshadowing, is he?*

“Well Rainbow Dash, let’s go talk to Applejack.. Rainbow Dash?” Twilight turned her head to see her rainbow friend staring at an apple on one of the trees.

*Matt: Double period, check.*

*Rainbow: Missing commas for personal address, check.*

*Matt: And a sentence that tells us what we already knew was happening for the trifecta.*

“Rainbow, what are you doing?”

*Rainbow: "The apple spoke to me."*

The question went unanswered as Rainbow closed her eyes and pointed her horn towards the apple.  Her face became tense and her body began to shake.

*Matt: Diarrhea can strike without warning...*

Twilight's eyes widened in realization, “She’s trying to use magic,” she thought to herself as she watched her friend.

*Rainbow: DUCK AND COVER!*

A couple of magenta sparks flew out of her horn, but she couldn’t take the stress anymore and fell on her haunches, panting.

*Rainbow: Well that was underwhelmingly realistic.*

*Matt: Don't worry, this is how a bad author tries to write conflict.  One token failure before success comes with laughable ease.*

*Rainbow: Meh.*

“That was a good first try Rainbow, but I think you should learn about magic later,” Twilight said, getting a weak nod from the Alicorn.

*Matt: Well, that little diversion was neither interesting nor important, but at least it provided us no new information.*

*Rainbow: *snorts**

The two ponies trotted over to Applejack, who was now putting some of the baskets into the wagon.

*Rainbow: This fic keeps jumping between tedious detail and not enough detail.*

“Hello Applejack,” Twilight greeted, causing the orange mare to look away from her work.

“Howdy Twi, how are you... and... Rainbow Dash... Why is Rainbow Dash an Alicorn?” Applejack asked, staring at cyan Alicorn.

*Matt: Because alicorn alicorn wingyhorns.*

*Rainbow: This writer does love that word, doesn't he?*

“I woke up as an Alicorn, but we don’t know if it’s permanent or not,” Rainbow answered.

“So, Ah guess that makes you part Earth Pony also,” Applejack grinned.

*Matt: ...*

*Rainbow: Huh.  Just skip right past surprise, disbelief, denial, explanation—*

***Matt: It's* nota good sign when Pinkie's reactions are the most believable in a story.**

“Yes it does, what are you getting at?”

*Matt: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Applejack?*

“I was thinking on how strong you are, but you’re most likely not as strong as my babies,” Applejack proclaimed, bucking a tree behind her.

*Rainbow: Bloomburg, no!*

*Matt: Oh, wow, I completely forgot about that.  That was a good one.*

“Oh, you are on Applejack, how about tomorrow?”

“That works for me,”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack spit into their hoof and hoof bumped.

***Matt: The author's* killingme, man.  It's like he just stitched scenes from the show into each character, and the results walk and talk like Frankenstein's monster.**

After that, Twilight and Rainbow Dash walked away, on their way to Fluttershy’s.

***Rainbow: Oh, Celestia, no!  Not* anotherone of these pointless scenes!**

*Matt: Maybe Flutters will charge out and try to shank Rainbow for being an alicorn.*

***Rainbow: How does* thatmake any sense?**

***Matt: Who's trying to make sense?  I just want something to* happen!**

“Did you really have to challenge Applejack,” Twilight asked.

Rainbow Dash just shrugged, “Applejack made a challenge, and I accepted it,”

*Matt: Thanks for showing us that conversation, fic.  It was wonderful.*

*Rainbow: Um, are you jamming a pencil into your leg?*

*Matt: ...yeah...*

The two mares were now at the steps of the cottage,

*Rainbow: But there are still so many unanswered questions!*

Rainbow Dash took in a deep breath and knocked on the door, causing it to open a little

***Matt: The* knockdid not cause the door to open.**

and show a cyan eye looking through the crack.

*Matt: And it certainly didn't cause an eye to appear.*

*Rainbow: Pony not included, apparently.*

*Matt: *grimaces* Gyeesh...*

“Oh, hello Rainbow, hello Twilight,” came a weak voice.

“Hello Fluttershy, can we come in?” Twilight asked.

*Matt: I just can't bring myself to keep pointing out all of these stupid punctuation errors.*

*Rainbow: Please don't, I have weather stuff to do eventually.*

The yellow pegasus gave a nod and opened the door two let the two ponies in.

Rainbow Dash walked in; confused by the fact that Fluttershy wasn’t even reacting to the fact that she was now an Alicorn.

*Rainbow: As are we all.*

All three ponies were now in the living room, drinking a beverage that Fluttershy gave them.

*Matt: This would be a much easier read if this fic would just pick a pace.  It drags in meaningless trivium, and then, out of nowhere, jumps to completely new scenes.  It’s maddening, I tells ya.*

But Rainbow Dash was getting more confused by the minute that Fluttershy wasn’t even looking at her in a weird way, she couldn’t take it anymore and decided to ask. “Fluttershy, do you know anything different about me?”

*Matt: "Of course I know different things about you.  For instance, I know that trick you do with ping pong balls and-"*

***Rainbow: Dude! *tackles Matt, punching him repeatedly before climbing back up onto the couch** Notcool.**

*Matt: ... Worth... It...*

“Yes I do, you're an Alicorn now,” Fluttershy answered.

*Matt: *winces* Ow...  Fluttershy, queen of the no-sell.*

“Okay so you’ve notice, any reactions like, “Why are you an Alicorn?”, or “How are you an Alicorn?”?” Rainbow Dash asked,

*Rainbow: A perfectly valid question, I'd think.*

getting a shake from Fluttershy.

*Rainbow:S-s-s-top s-s-sh-a-k-ing m-m-e-e!*

*Matt: Ha! *winces* Oh, it still hurts to laugh...*

*Rainbow: *glares* You deserved it!*

*Matt: I really did.*

“Why should I, you're my friend Rainbow Dash, and nothing is going to change that,” Fluttershy said.

*Matt and Rainbow: Wat.*

Rainbow Dash stared at her friend; tears were forming in her eyes, and embraced Fluttershy in a hug.

“Thank you Fluttershy,”

*Matt: No, really, what the hell?*

*Rainbow: I don't care how docile you are or how many drugs you're on, you have a reaction to something like this!*

*Matt: If you showed up here as a stallion instead of a mare, I'd flip my lid!  This kind of anti-reaction just makes no sense!*

Fluttershy didn’t know how to react,

***Rainbow: NO,* really?**

and just hugged her crying friend.  “It’s okay Rainbow,”

“Fluttershy, you have no idea how good it is to hear that,”

“I can only think about what you feel,”

Twilight couldn’t help but awe at the sight;

*Matt: ... I'm gonna hurt this guy.  That's just awful.*

 it was the most heartwarming thing she has seen today.

*Rainbow: How did I using tense?*

“Rainbow Dash, I’m sorry to say, but I think we should go, Rarity wants to get some measurements,”

*Matt: If you know what I'm sayin'.  *winks**

***Rainbow: What* areyou saying?**

*Matt: I'm not even sure anymore.*

Rainbow Dash nodded and said good bye to her friend, then followed Twilight out of the cottage.

“I’m so glad that Fluttershy doesn’t see me differently,”

“Well Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy doesn’t judge ponies on appearances,”

*Matt: *facepalm**

*Rainbow: *facehoof**

“Yeah, that’s what I like about her,”

***Matt: It takes a rare skill to be both nonsensical* andto drop the morality anvil at the same time.**

Soon the day was over, Rainbow got her new measurements and flew back home to feed Tank and to make supper.  But all of this could not stop her from being nervous of meeting the princess and two mayors.

***Rainbow: Nervous* of?**

*Matt: I would say there's no way English is this guy's first language, but I've been around way too long to give out that kind of credit.*

“I hope I don’t become a princess, or become immortal,” she thought, she noticed that she was tired when she yawned and her eyelids became heavy.

*Matt: Awful.  Just awful.*

***Rainbow: Are most ponies* constipatedwhen their eyes get heavy?  Do we need to be told that she's tired also?**

“Wow, I’m tired, must be all the walking I had to do today,” she reasoned,

*Matt: Pansy.*

*Rainbow: Wow, it's like the author forgot that I'm a world-class athlete or something!*

she ate her dinner and went straight to bed, but found it hard to get comfortable on her now small bed.

“I hope Celestia brings a bed with her,” with that final thought she went to sleep.

*Matt: You seem to get a bit nonsensical when you're tired.*

*Rainbow: Well, it's not easy to think when I'm half-asleep!*

It was time,

*Matt: Ow!  Jeez, scene, whiplash much?*

Rainbow and her friends were waiting for Celestia and the two mayors to arrive.  Pinkie was bouncing in excitement.

"Oh I can't wait for Princess Celestia to come, and with two mayors, this will make the "Rainbow Dash turns into an Alicorn Party" so much better.

*Rainbow: In what world does Pinkie sound like that?  It's just.  So.Dull.***

*Matt: *rocks gently and holds his head* I can't, man, I just can't...*

"Pinkie let’s wait till the Princess gets here to see if Rainbow Dash will stay as an Alicorn," Twilight said, in hopes to calm down the hyperactive pony.

Rainbow Dash was nervous, she had no idea why Celestia would want to come, or why she would bring the mayors of Equestria's two biggest Pegasus populations.

*Rainbow: Because it was too hard... to...  Didn't we do this joke already?*

*Matt: Oh, God, the fic is iterating!  Abandon fic!  Everypony for themselves!*

From the sky, the Princess of the Sun's chariot came into view, with said princess on it, and the two mayors.

*Matt: Welcome to World of Cardboard, where no one does looks, speaks, or acts differently, or stands out in any way worth mentioning or describing.*

*Rainbow: Saves time, I guess.*

*Matt: Yeah, but I’d rather read a shampoo bottle.*

The chariot landed and the three ponies got out meeting the six ponies.

***Matt:* Three Ponies For Six Ponieswas a terrible play, and confusing as hell, too.**

Everypony in Ponyville bowed to Celestia all expect for Rainbow Dash, as she did not know if she should or not, and she did see the two mayors bow down, to her.  Now she was confused.

*Rainbow: Now she was hungry.  Now she was sleepy.*

*Matt: Kinda makes you wonder what reactions Dash would have actually had if the author wasn't pasting all these reactions onto her.*

"Princess Celestia, why are the mayors of Cloudsdale and Las Pegasus bowing down to me?" she asked, having a nervous look on her face.

*Matt: Aarrgh, I quit.*

*Rainbow: Aw, don't be like that.  It's just an incorrect word usage.*

*Matt: No, it's all too much.  I just can't anymore...*

*Rainbow: There’s only, like, a few lines left.  Don’t be such a foal.*

"I have to go with Rainbow Dash, why are they?" Twilight asked.

"Well, I think these two should tell her themselves," Celestia answered.

The two mayors got up and looked at Rainbow Dash.

*Rainbow: Nothin'?*

*Matt: Hmph.*

"Queen Rainbow Dash, it is an honor to meet you," the mayor of Cloudsdale said.

Rainbow Dash was taken back by the title she was given. "Queen?  Queen of what?"

*Rainbow: ...Oh, come on, Matt!  This one's a cheap shot!*

*Matt: Okay, fine, um...  "Dancing Queen, so don't get excited."*

*Rainbow: There ya go, buddy.*

"Queen of the Pegasus race, you are the last descendant of Alicorn that rule the Pegasi," Celestia explained, with a smile on her face.

*Rainbow: It's on my face!  Get it off!*

*Matt: This doesn't even make sense.  Pegasi were historically a military oligarchy, right?*

***Rainbow: Yeah, but I do* youthink this author actually did any homework for this?**

*Matt: Touché.*

Rainbow Dash, being the awesome pony that she is, did the most reasonable thing after hearing that she was Queen of the Pegasus.

She fainted.

***I rolled my eyes, slumping against the couch next to my wingmare.  "Man, I wish* I'd have fainted like that about 30 minutes ago..."**

*"That was absurd," Rainbow whined.  "Are we done?  Can we leave now?"*

*Luna's face expanded from the PIP corner window to the main screen as the fic faded off to black.  "Yes, thou art done for now.  You have performed adequately, Matt and Rainbow Dash."  The doors and windows unlatched with a loud clatter.*

***"Gee, Luna,  thanks for the glowing review.  And you chose this method of punishment* why?"**

*Luna's grin was terrifying.  "Twilight has a theory that we may be able to create an Equestrian defense weapon powered by mental anguish!"*

*"I—I'm sorry I asked."*

*Rainbow patted my forearm with a hoof.  "Come on, dude, let's get a drink.  I think we deserve it after that madness."*

*"Hasten back, though," Luna chirped brightly from the television.  "Part two awaits!"*

*We stared at each other, our eyes fearful.*

*"Run?" Dash asked.*

*I nodded.  "Run."*

**-fin-**

[06] Memories (ft. Simon O'Sullivan and crew)

I groaned as my Spartan disintegrated in a flurry of charged particles, courtesy of Rainbow’s superior aim and Forerunner firepower.

“WOOOO!” she yelled.  “That’s game!  Suck plasma bolts, loser!”

I shook my head, still not sure how I had earned such a drubbing at my own game.  “Yeah, yeah.  You might remember, though, that after all of the different games we played, I’m still leading overall, 5-2.”

Rainbow leaned back against the arm of the couch, buffing a hoof idly against her chest fur with the smuggest grin I’ve ever seen.  “Hey, I’m a pony who’s never even played video games before.  The fact that I’m winning anythingdoesn’t bode well for you.”

“I’m still getting over the fact that you’re able to hold the controller to begin with...” I muttered.  Earlier in the week, Luna had managed to acquire my video game consoles for me.  I wasn’t about to inquire as to how or why, especially after she had made a point of saying that bringing anything other than information across the dimensional divide wasn’t exactly easy.  I have a suspicion, though, that she did it because I was still a bit uneasy over being the only human in the world.  It was just another bit of my old life that I was able to integrate into Equestria thanks to Rainbow’s enthusiasm.

Come to think of it, she took to it rather well.  “I’m on a hot streak!  What’s next?” she demanded, practically bouncing on the couch.

I sighed, scanning my options.  “Hmm...  I think I need to regain some dignity here.  I’m gonna have to school you in Goldeneye,” I said, reaching for the battered and well-used cartridge.“Sorry, Dash, it’s nothing personal.”

She snorted.  “Sure, you think that just because I—”

Rainbow’s challenge cut off as we were both thrown to the floor by a massive rush of wind and force.  We bounced off of each other, and I threw my arms over both of our heads as I heard a ground-shaking crash that echoed with the sounds of rending timber and falling debris from somewhere near my kitchen.  When the sound had dissipated and dust was starting to roll over us, we sat up and looked back to see the rear wall of my house almost completely torn apart.  Through the enormous hole I could just catch a glimpse of a monstrous, shambling mass of brownish fur lumbering off towards the forest.  I could only stare blankly at the creature that had just appeared out of nowhere and gone through my back wall like it wasn’t even there.

Rainbow jumped to her hooves, her wings flared and eyes wide.  “What the hay is THAT?!”  She turned to look at me.  “Did you seewhat it just did?!”  Her brow furrowed at my complete lack of comprehension and she batted a hoof at my hanging jaw.  “Dude, Matt, speak to me, buddy!”

“MY HOUSE!” I shrieked.

“Uh, yeah, that.”

“Ijust got this place!” I yelled, feeling a mild panic attack settling in.  “I just got everything where I wanted it!I like itwith no holes in it!”

“Look, dude, I think we can fix it up later,” Rainbow said, lightly shaking me, trying to get me out of my freak-out.  “Just for now, though, what in Equestria wasthat thing?  Are we supposed to go after it?Should I go get the girls?”

“A-all I could tell was huge, ugly, and vaguely brown,” I said slowly.  “I—I don’t think it’s from here...”

I trailed off as I noticed Rainbow’s ears swiveling around, picking up a sound that I could only just now hear as it grew.  My eyes got even wider, somehow, as I realized just how well I knew that sound, and how impossible it was for me to be hearing it.

*vworp vworp vworp  vworp VWORP VWORP*

Dash’s jaw dropped right alongside mine as I climbed slowly to my feet, the two of us staring in dumb silence at the obscenely blue, human-sized box that had just materialized in my kitchen.

“You have gotto be kidding me...” I muttered.

For some reason, I had to fight the urge to hide behind the couch as the door to the box unlatched.  The feeling of uncomprehending dread suddenly vanished in a flash, to be replaced with utter and complete confusion as a human stepped out of the box.  He was slightly taller than I was, and adorned in a chain mail shirt and iron cap, carrying a large, double-bladed war axe loosely in one hand.

“Okay,” the human growled as he stamped into my kitchen and glanced towards the rubble-strewn hole, “according to your coordinates, the thing we’re looking for should be around heresomewhere.”

Behind the armored man, a hulking version of a pony stepped out as well.  “I wouldn’t have guessed. Though the huge hole there certainly looks like a clue.”

From still inside the box, a voice called out “We’re here; that’s what matters. I’ll try to get everypony else to safety. Take care of that thing while I’m on this!”

I finally managed to bring myself back into the moment.  “I—what the actual...  Wait a second,” I stammered, the cogs in my brain beginning to turn again as I stared at the other human.  “Human, axe, armor... Simon?  Is that seriously you?  What the hell are you doing here?”

The human spun around, noticing me for the first time.  His eyes widened slightly as he recognized me.  “Well, look who’s here!  Matt!  Long time no see.”

The gargantuan stallion turned to evaluate me.  “You know him?” he asked his partner.

Simon nodded, spinning his axe around in his hand.  “A fine lad. We’ve had a drink or two together before, in older days.”  He nodded towards what was left of my home.  “Is this your...”

I shrugged pitifully.  “It used to be, I guess...”

I felt Rainbow bump up against my backside, and I glanced down to see her trying very hard to not look like she was hiding behind my legs.  “Um, I'm reallyhoping you know these guys, Matt.”

“Somewhat, yeah,” I said, pointing at my old friend.  “That’s Simon O’Sullivan.Writer, fellow snarky bastard, and all-around cool guy.  Just, you know, watch out for the pointy metal.”  I angled my extended finger at the stallion.  “I have no idea who thatis—” I whirled to point at what was unmistakably a TARDIS, “—and THATshouldn’t even be possible.”

A light brown tie-wearing stallion of much more reasonable proportions trotted happily to the doorway of the police box, twirling a sonic screwdriver in his hoof.  “Oh, my good friend, you wouldn’t believe how many things are considered impossible simply because no one believed enough to try.”

The massive stallion shook his head, chuckling in his deep, rich voice.  “There you go again, Doctor.Iam Drakkar Veiðǫrvarson, hoofcarl of Scandineighvia,” he announced, bowing slightly to Rainbow Dash and I as he clutched a hoof to the paw of the bear pelt thrown over his shoulders in a salutary gesture.

Rainbow stepped out from behind me, smoothing her mane down with a hoof distractedly.  “Uh, hey!” she said awkwardly.

“Drakkar?  But aren’t you...” I shook my head emphatically, turning to point at the tan time traveler.  “Youcan’t possibly be the Doctor, unless you possessed that pony whose body you’ve got.  I've metyou - him before!  In Ponyville!  His name's Time Turner, and he's so normal it’s depressing!  My brain hurts...”

The Doctor chuckled.  “In that case, I’m sure you haven’t met the good version of me.”

I simply fell to my knees and clutched at my head with an anguished groan.  “Oh, God, it’s too much...” I muttered.

“So,” Rainbow said,“you guys are, like, chasing that thing?  What isit?”

“That, short answer, is a story,” the Doctor replied breezily.  “Long answer, it’s a physical manifestation of an atrocious piece of fanmade literature that is so awful that it became self-aware and grew a body of its own.”

Drakkar snorted.  “It’s a fanfiction monster,” he said curtly.

“You couldsayit like that, yes,” the Doctor said, slightly huffy at being simplified.

I finally stopped having a breakdown long enough to rejoin the conversation.  “Wait a second,” I protested, climbing back to my feet,“I thought badfics were just manifesting as some kind of psychic pressure or something, making ponies dumber.  Heck, Rainbow and I have been taking those things on for months now.”

The Doctor put a hoof to his chin thoughtfully.  “Hmm, perhapsthere are different ways nefarious literature can strike.”

“Remember what Luna said?” Rainbow interjected, tapping my side with a hoof.“All the travel between dimensions Pinkie and Twilight and various humanshave been doing has weakened the barriers between the Equestrian universes.  Maybe this thing isn’t actually fromour side.”

“What an interesting discovery!” the Doctor said brightly, eager to do some research.  “I’ll try to compare our notes. Think you two can handle this one on your own?”

Simon hefted his axe meaningfully.  “No problem.  Just give us what you know about this one.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” he replied, levelling his sonic screwdriver at the retreating fiction demon.  “It seems that this one comes from the story ‘Memories.’”

Simonwinced.  “That title’s so vague that if it tried harder, it could qualify asvegetative.”

“I guess maybe that’s why it doesn’t seem to have any distinct shape?” I offered, trying to be helpful.

Drakkar nodded, his hooves scraping against the kitchen floor eagerly.  “Most likely. At least it promises to be a decent fight.”

The Doctor grinned, turning to head back into the TARDIS.  “I’ll leave you four there, then. This calls for further investigation!”

“For SCIENCE!” Rainbow yelled.  I snorted in laughter.

“Yeah, you do that,” Simon told his travelling companion.

Rainbow’s tail whipped back and forth, eager to get a chance to burn off her adrenaline.  “All right, guys, let's get that thing!” she yelled.  “For Equestria!”

“For my house!” I countered, grabbing my baseball bat from its rack on the wall.

“Gef grið eigi!” Drakkar bellowed.

“Onward!” Simon called.

“CHAAAAAAARGE!”

Memories, by Goldey

Matt: Please, pleasedon’t let this be a crossover with Cats.

Simon: The readings mentioned nothing about that, so we should be fine.

Twilight Sparkle woke up, and got up from her bed,

Rainbow: The hoverlifts she had just had installed meant that she didn’t have to walk, crawl, clamber or climb - just up!

Drakkar: Well, at least we know that she’s not sleepwalking.

her legs started to shake and he took a step forward,

Simon: Looks like somepony has been going to Sugarcube Corner a bit too often.

Matt: Her gender changed in mid-sentence.  No one pony should have that kind of power.

Spike watched her and turned around seeing that Twilight might of been acting that she couldn't walk.

Rainbow: *puts a hoof over her mouth* I—oh wow.  This is gonna be bruuuutal.

Drakkar: Yup, Twilightmust beREALLY fat here.

Matt: I hope that’s the explanation.  Or that the author is acting that he can’t write.

Twilight Sparkle kept trying to walk, it took her time to get to her book shelf.

Rainbow: As opposed to being there instantaneously, obviously.

Simon: Or saying “book, come here!” and levitate it close to her with her magic.

Drakkar: It works for Þórr, so why not?

Spike saw her looking for a book Spike took the book he wanted to read, so he can win Rarity's heart.

Matt: It was called “Fun With Roofies: Volume 1.”

Simon: Sometimes a way to a woman’s heart lies in correctly stimulating the nether regions. It’s not a surefire bet, but it surely allows to keep her around.

Rainbow: Either way, I’m pretty sure there’d be jail time in Spike’s future.

Drakkar: *shrugs* He’s a kid; he’d go to a correctional facility at worst.

He didn't notice Twilight was loosing the ability to do something.

Rainbow: The ability to spell.

Simon: Twilight was losing the ability to be Twilight.

Matt: You know, I’m almost gladthis is a monster instead.  I can’t even imagine how dumb this story would make Equestria’s youth...

He went on his bed and started to read.

Drakkar: Spike doesn’t give a damn about Twilight after a few seconds. He’s amazingly selfish.

Matt: “Busy now.  Gotta learn about how to drug Rarity!”

Simon: It took him a rare jewel to get a peck on the cheek. Rarity MIGHT have a price, but it’s sure as hell going to be high as fuck.

Matt: Speaking of “high as fuck,” how about this author, eh?  HIYO!

Twilight sparkle was slowly trying to walk downstairs one step she took was wrong she dropped her book and fell down the stairs,

Rainbow: Is this a pony fanfiction, or a QWOP fanfiction?

Drakkar: A what now?

Simon: Don’t worry about him; you’ll get used to that.

Rainbow: I’ll show ya later, Drakkar.  It’s fun!

Spike dropped his book and ran to save Twilight,

Simon: So she’s basically unable to walk and Spike doesn’t give a damn until she crashes somewhere. Three hurrays for the so-called number one assistant!

Drakkar: Hip hip fuck you!

It was to late she tried to get up instead she fell back down.

Simon: “Help, I’m a pony and I can’t get up!”

Matt: “Damnyou, MedAlert!I’ve been here for four hours, you pricks!”

Spike gulped and went to her.

Matt: I propose a new title for this story.“A Series of Unrelated Events”

Rainbow: Seriously...

"Twilight what happened!?" Spike asked.

Simon: At least he didn’t ask “are you alright”?

Matt: “Also, where do we keep the ether?”

Rainbow: You're gonna run with that joke, huh?

Matt: Yeah...

"I think.. I lost the ability to walk!, This morning I could barely walk to the bookshelf from my bed" Twilight sparkle replied.

Simon: I’m pretty sure her legs are numb. She should just shake them for a while.

Drakkar: That’s why I always sleep on my side.

Spike gasped, he ran to get Rainbow dash and Fluttershy,

Simon: Leaving a totally handicapped Twilight on her own. Bravo!

Matt: I’m sure there’s a book in there somewhere that will keep her alive.  If she didn’t loose it already.

once he told then both they all rushed to Twilight's house, Rainbow dash and Fluttershy took her to the hospital with a blanket.

Rainbow: What, am I not good enough to get my whole name capitalized?  Why do fanfic authors hate my name?

Drakkar: I’m more concerned about the fact that they won’t call the Hospital to take Twilight there themselves. I mean, a blanket?

Rainbow: That isa good point.  Why do these stories keep treating me and the girls as all-purpose emergency services?  We haveEMS ponies, you know.

Drakkar: Not to mention that you would be able to carry Twilight on your own without help.

Matt: Wait, wait, maybe the author means they brought her anda blanket?  You know, for moral support or something?

Simon: You mean like that little kid from the Charlie Brown show?

Matt: Yeah, man, that’s it.

Twilight sparkle was put in a bed, Rainbow Dash looked at the doctor as he did the tests.

Rainbow: *throws up her hooves* Pffffft, finally.

The Doctor called the three into the waiting room. Leaving Twilight Sparkle alone.

Matt: I’m sensing a theme here...

Simon: Something’s cracking my engines, but I just can’t put my finger on what exactly.

"It Appear that,

All: *wince*

Twilight Sparkle lost her ability to walk,

Simon: Yes, we noticed that when she hilariously fell down the stairs.

She also has some brain damage and her neck is injured." The doctor told them.

Matt: Brain damage.  Just, out of nowhere?

Rainbow: Maybe the author is just writing what he knows?

Matt: Burn.

Simon: Or it could’ve been a fall of epic proportions.

Matt: So that’swhat happened after she flew offscreen at the end of season 3.  She just wiped out on the landing and got all this brain damage!

"Would she ever be able to walk again?" Fluttershy asked

"Sadly, no.

Drakkar: Spike’s still a little dragon, right?

Simon: Apparently so.

Drakkar: And that Dash is the same age as *points at Rainbow Dash* this one.

Simon: *stares at Dash* Pretty much, yes.

Drakkar: So this is not a story that takes places in the FAR future when they’re all old and dying. Instead, Twilight and ONLY Twilight, because I guess she’s the pony the author hates the most, has the health of a crushed skeleton.

Matt: Sadly, this isn’t the first fic we’ve come across where the author seems to have a rage-boner for one of the cast.

and her injury in her neck is very serve.

Rainbow: No, she gotserved.

Matt: It was brutal...

We could probably have a meeting with Twilight's parents are her friends. Including her Brother as well if she has one"

Matt: If.  How famous is Twilight, again?

Simon: Well, in Canterlot they lose their shit for her, that’s as far as I know. I kinda expected her to be some sort of minor celebrity. Being Celestia’s student and the sister-in-law of the Princess of the Crystal Empire.

Matt: And nopony realizes if she has one of the most famous brothers in the land or not?

Rainbow: That just seems like a REALLY odd thing for a doctor to say.  “As well as her cat, if she has one.”

The docter replied.

Rainbow: ♫ “Docter, docter, give me the news, I’ve got a—BAD CASE—of spelling blues!”♫

Matt: Should I regret letting you browse through my music library, Dash?

Drakkar: At least it can’t be worse than Simon’s repertoire.

Simon: Hey, my songs are nice!

Drakkar: We’re not going to have that discussion again. You really must listen to new songs.

"Of course, We should tell Celestia right away and have a meeting in the castle" Rainbow dash said.

Rainbow: Spike is right there.  He can send letters directlyto the Princess. Why would you leave her again?  Also, spell my freaking name right!

The doctor nodded, and Fluttershy went with Rainbow dash, Spike ran home,  Celestia saw Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy she stopped to talk to them.

Matt: And all in the space of a single sentence!  Wow!

Simon: And Celestia was just coincidentally walking around the place.

Matt: We don’t need logic where we’re going!

"Is there something wrong" She asked

Matt: Somehow, despite the inflection one would typically need from a question mark.

"Yes, Princess, Its about Twilight" Fluttershy replied.

"She ended up in the hospital and the doctor wants a important meeting at the castle with  her family and friends and you guys" Rainbow dash added.

Simon: It’s amazing how sadness can overcome formality. Or maybe what shocks me is the fact that Dash doesn’t consider Celestia friends or family for Twilight, just “you guys”.

Rainbow: Do you think Spike counts as “family” or just “you guys?”

Celestia transported them to the meeting room, then brought the Doctor here.

Drakkar: Wow, he’s easier to locate than he lets us think.

Doctor: *from inside the TARDIS* That’s not me!

Drakkar: But he has the capital “d” and everything!

Rainbow: Hey, that’s MY capital “d”!  Give it back!

Simon: *laughs* Damn, Matt. Rainbow REALLY wants the D.

Matt: *falls over laughing*

Rainbow: *blushes furiously*  Hate you.Hate you all...

Drakkar: Apologies; we’re not used to having mares around, so we’re not as inhibited as we probably should be.

She sent letters to everyone in Twilight's family and friends. They went to the meeting room as soon as Possible.

Matt: As I saw it, Possible beat them there by a nose, but we’ll call it a tie so everypony feels good about it.

Simon: I imagine Spike sending all the letters to Twilight’s family and friends, only to end up all of them in Canterlot’s palace for Celestia to read.

Matt: Tia forgot to turn off her swag.  She woke up covered in letters.

Shining Armor was very worried about his sister, The Doctor cleared his throat and Celestia let him talk first.

Matt: “Whatever you do, don’t blink!”

Drakkar: It really makes it hard not to think—

Doctor: I said that’s not me!

"Alright, all of you here today, Twilight's family and friends, Please don't be surprise,

Simon: That’s like saying “please don’t drown” while throwing you to a pool with concrete boots on.

Rainbow: Maybe he’s trying to say “please don’t be Surprise,” because he’s right, a second pony like Pinkie Pie would just ruin this story.

Drakkar: Still makes me wonder how she would organize a funeral party.

But Twilight has ended up in the hospital, she has a very serve neck injury,

Matt: Probably acquired from being flown to the hospital in a blanket.

She also lost her ability to walk, and she will not be able to, She might have forgotten

Rainbow: She could just remember again.  I mean, since forgetting is a thing that apparently happens...

Simon: Well, Peter Griffin forgot how to sit, so there’s a precedent.

Matt: “They did it on Family Guy” is not a reason to do anything.  Ever.  Not even breathing.

or something terrible happened to her legs." The Doctor explained.

Luna put her hoof on the table,

Simon: Hopefully saying “We can rebuild her! We have the technology!”

Matt: The Six Million Dollar Mare!

Celestia looked at her

Matt: ...and said “When the hell did you get here?”

and Luna took her hoof off,

Drakkar: So she has prosthetic hooves?

Rainbow: Aaaaaaaaaand, that’s the extent of Luna’s involvement in this fic.  Let’s thank her for coming out, shall we?

Matt: *applauds lightly*  Hell, cyborg Luna is the best part of this fic so far.

Celestia looked at the doctor.

"She also, will be stuck in the hospital, maybe for the rest of her life" The doctor added.

Simon: Which looking down the story, it won’t be long.

Matt: Nursing homes don’t exist?  Or live-in care?  Harsh.

"Doctor, Your saying my daughter is stuck in the hospital until you guys find out whats wrong?" Mr.Sparkle asked.

Drakkar: They know what’s wrong, but apparently there’s no way to get over it.

Matt: Honestly, I never thought I’d find anything dumber than dying of a broken heart in a fanfiction, but “I forgot how to walk” just did it.

"No, I am saying she is stuck in the hospital for awhile or the rest of her life" He replied.

Simon: For what you said, doctor, I don’t think this is a either this or that decision.

Drakkar: Maybe he’s going for a “she can either die any minute now or survive as a vegetative forever” kind of thing.

Simon: That’s some dark thoughts there, man.

"What about her neck injury!" Shining armor asked

Simon: Right, because Twilight is more fucked up than just having one of the most retarded memory gaps in the history of the universe.

Rainbow: He asked with an exclamation point instead of a question mark.

Matt: Seriously, did a question mark kill this author’s family or something?

"Oh that, You might loose her due to the neck injury" The doctor answered

Simon: This is Doctor House; I’m calling it.

Rainbow: Talk about your bedside manners...

Everyone gasped, Shining Armor was about to cry, Cadance patted his back.

Drakkar: It’s sad to see my buddy like that, much more for this preposterous events.

Mrs.Sparkle was crying into Mr.Sparkle's shoulders. Celestia sighed and teared up. Luna nuzzled her sister to make her feel better.

Matt: “COMMENCE SISTER SUPPORTING ALGORITHMS.  THERE THERE.”

Rainbow: *chuckles*

The meeting was over everyone went home,

Drakkar: And nopony cares about Twilight anymore.

Matt: At least she has all the leftover doughnuts and coffee from the meeting.

The doctor went to check on Twilight Sparkle.

"I want to see my Sister-in-law and Big brother" She yelled.

Dr. Caramel let them in, He left and they chatted.

Rainbow: Wait, Caramel?  As a doctor?  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Matt: The pony who lost grass seed?  I think this story might have just gotten funny after all...

"Twiley, I'm glad to see you.." Shining Armor smiled.

"It's glad to see you both again" She replied

Cadance gave Twilight Sparkle some roses.

Drakkar: Where and when did she buy those?

Matt: I would say she pulled them out of her ass, but OW. >_<

"We hope you get better Twilight" She says.

Simon: Well, as long as she doesn’t listen to heavy metal, she’ll probably survive long enough.

Rainbow: Some ponies just aren’t cut out for headbanging.

Dr.Caramel told them they had to leave so they did. Twilight sparkle looked at the tag knowing it was from both of them, Dr.Caramel smiled and exited her room.

Then her friends visited her, Rarity started to cry and then their visiting hour ended so they all left,

Matt: HOW DIDI USINGTENSE?!

Rainbow: Okay, that is officiallya running gag now.

Simon: I really can’t be sad at this, because I just pictured ponies going “Hi, Twilight! Bye!”

Twilight sparkle was wondering why Rarity was crying, she looked at the thing Rarity gave her, A gem. It was Emerald.

Rainbow: I'm sure that means something in the author's head, but darned if I know what.

Drakkar: To me, it means that Spike would eat it in one bite when either nopony’s paying attention or when Twilight dies.

Matt: That seems about right.

Twilight sparkle gave her friends things as well when they visited her.

Matt: As is the ancient tradition when one is dying.

Simon: Where the hell did she get stuff for them in a hospital anyways? What did she give them, brochures and coupons for plastic surgery?

Rainbow: Amazon.com?

It got dark so Twilight sparkle turned of her light and tucked herself in.

Matt: This is clearly a metaphor for the smothering narrative.

Drakkar: Hmm it was dark, so she turned off the light. That’s a logic I just can’t follow.

She slowly closed her eyes and went to sleep. Dr.Caramel went to see her, she was sound asleep and okay, He had to check to make sure she was still breathing when she goes to sleep.

Rainbow: *flinches* Gah!  This story...

Matt: *pats her on the back*  I know, we'll make it somehow.

Simon: *shakes head* Another one of these.

Drakkar: You really expect something more to be needed to make readers cry themselves to death.

Matt: That’s just the feeling of your brain dying that makes you cry like that.

He left the room and went into his room for the night.

Matt: Doctor Caramel is a patient, too?

Rainbow: He's a mental patient!  This fic ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!

Simon: Either that or, according to this author, the medical crew live in the hospital. But I like your idea MUCH better. I’m sure there’s a movie about that somewhere.

Morning came and the dews of the sun

Matt and Rainbow: Wat.

Simon: I’d make a sex joke, but that would make this part have the slightest glimpse of logic. And I’m not prepared to dothat.

made Twilight sparkle sneezed,

Rainbow: How - dews, sneezing, tense, logic—what?

she woke up and sat up, eating her breakfast that Dr.Caramel gave her.

She got visited by Princess Celestia and was given  a gift, a book, Twilight sparkle said her thank yous and started to read it,

Matt: She'd better, she ain't got much time left.

Celestia left the room and went back to her castle,

Drakkar: This is really depressing when you think about it, but not in the way the author wanted.

Simon: Yeah, Celestia just came and said “Here, a book. You... seem to like these things. Bye.”

She kept getting visited my everyone she knows and they give her something, She has a lot of things a lot of her friends gave her and her family gave her things to.

Matt: Things to what?!Explain, story, explain!

Drakkar: Probably to end her misery. I would expect my friends to do that to me if I became unable to move a muscle without fear of dying.

Matt: *huffs* I'd prefer if this story gave methe means to end my misery...

Twilight sparkle decided to take a nap, she fell asleep, Dr.Caramel checked up on her and then left the room knowing she was still alive.

Rainbow: Merciful Harmony, the writing's getting worse!  Is this thing gaining power?

Drakkar: If would be the first time that happened, but I guess it’s possible.

Twilight sparkle woke up and yawned right when her lunch was given, she ate it all and the nurses left.

Twilight sparkle had some water and chugged it down, She kept reading her book and then night grew she put her book down and turned off the light and tucked herself in falling asleep. The doctor did his duty and went to bed after.

Simon: This is a story’s equivalent of going “blah blah blah blah blah”.

Matt: "Did his duty."  Heh.

Rainbow: *cuffs Matt in the back of the head* Oh, grow up.

Twilight sparkle woke up, She sat up and put her hoof to her chest,

Matt: It was still full of all her plundered booty.

Rainbow: *chuckles* Booty...

Matt: Did you not justhit me for doing that?

Simon: You have to ask; which one of the four hooves did she put to her chest?

Breathing slowly, she looked at Dr. Caramel coming in her room. Seeing he was concerned about her, She put her hoof down and smiled like she was okay. Nurse Red Heart came in with Twilight's breakfast, she handed it to her, Twilight sparkle looked down at her meal and ate it slowly,

Simon: Isn’t hospital food good enough to make you want to gobble that shit right down?

Matt: Haven’t spent much time as a patient, eh, Simon?

Dr. Caramel became very worried about his patient.

Rainbow: Most patients didn’t fall for his prank of replacing their food with ball bearings, but Twilight just chomped right down...

Drakkar: Being a doctor allows a lot of freedom for pranks, apparently.

Matt: You wouldn’t believe how many holes there are in Celestia’s Healthcare Reform bill.

Twilight sparkle still had a sharp pain in her chest, she groaned a bit, her chest hurting,

Simon: Am I the only one who noticed that Twilight woke up dying out of the blue?

Matt: Offering a medical diagnosis would tax the author’s writing beyond the breaking point.

She called Dr.Caramel in to talk to him.

Dr.Caramel entered her room and looked at her, Twilight sparkle smiled and then her eyes teared up. She couldn't take the pain she felt in her heart.

Matt: She had to—shewouldconfess her love right here and now!

Simon: Aha!  She feigned this extreme sickness to be with Caramel!

Rainbow: *swoons* HOW WOMANTIC!

"What is it, Twilight?" Dr.Caramel asked

Drakkar: “I don’t know, you’re the doctor.  YOU tell me!”

"Dr.Caramel, I have been having pains today in my chest, I need help identifying what it is"

Rainbow: Heh, the ol’ “I’m having pains in my chest” line.  Gets ‘em every time...

Simon: Because self diagnose is one of the most underappreciated practices you can think of.

Twilight sparkle explained, Dr.Caramel nodded and touched one of her ribs,

Matt: Bow chicka—um—bow wow?  Damn...  Okay, I’ll admitthat would have made a lot more sense on a human.

Drakkar: Really?

Simon: Oh yes.  Human females have a couple really fun bits at that height.

Matt: ^_^

Rainbow: *rolls her eyes*  Males...

he shook his head and exited the room,

Simon: Well, if she were actually a human female, that would’ve been the...What’s the male equivalent of at cocktease?

Matt: Um... I have no idea, actually...

Drakkar: I don’t think it would exist as a term.  I don’t picture a male taking the effort to turn a female on just to leave her at that and walk away.

Twilight sparkle thought it was heart burn, but seeing Dr.Caramel's expression on his face while he shook his head and left the room, made Twilight worried.

Rainbow: Man, Caramel must have been really

Spike came to visit Twilight, He smiled at her, Twilight sparkle looked at him with a worried expression on her face, Spike then giggled.

Matt: CAPTAIN SENSITIVITY STRIKES AGAIN!

"Twilight, Why are you so worried?" He asked

Simon: “I don’t know, probably because I’M FUCKING DYING RIGHT HERE!?”

Rainbow: Dying?  Pfft, don wohrry aboutit.

Matt: O hai, comically underplayed drama!

"Well spike, I have been having Pains in my chest. I don't know what it is" She replied

Matt: “Obviously, we’ll need to amputate your chest.”

Drakkar: The doctor isn’t doing that much to help her anyways.

Rainbow: I’m telling you, mental patient...

Spike gave her a rose and left the room, Twilight sparkle sighed and held the rose,

Rainbow: It smelled faintly of chloroform.

Simon: “He had to wait til I was dying to declare his love.  What a prick!”

Matt: Good thing she saved herself for Caramel instead.

Twilight closed her eyes and a tear was shed she put down the rose and  laid down , She stared at the ceiling doing nothing, letting her chest hurt.

Drakkar: In that case she WAS doing something after all.

Rainbow: More than the doctor was, anyway.

Dr.Caramel entered the room with Nurse Red Heart. They chatted a bit then left the room.

Simon: …Okay, THAT is depressing.

Matt: I’d rather be getting my medical treatment from Doctor PEPPER.

Twilight sparkle wasn't listening but heard some of the conversation. She groaned in pain.

Dr.Caramel had a conversation

Rainbow: This stallion’s desk calendar must be a thing of beauty.  “9am, talk.  9:30, talk.  10am, converse.  11am, ignore patient, have chat.  12, lunch.1pm, malpractice hearing...”

when Celestia tried to visit her student. Celestia was surprised.

"Sorry Princess, you can't visit Twilight at the moment" Dr. Caramel told her.

"Why?" Celestia asked

Matt: What a goodquestion!

Drakkar: She’s the ruler of the land. She’s the reasonthat place wasbuilt!

"Twilight sparkle has been having chest pains, her neck is still injured and I don't think she can feel any pain in her neck, but I caught her with her hoof on her chest, This pain she is having probably wont end well, So we can't accept anymore visitors at this time"

Simon: “She’s in pain. A lot of pain. You can’t visit her.”

Drakkar: How hard is it to become a doctor here?

"Oh alright, I understand."

Matt: Gives up easy, don’t she?

Celestia walked off and flew back to her castle,

Simon: Even Angelina Jolie had more screentime in Sky Captain than every character in this story aside from Twilight and Caramel combined.

Matt: Obscure burn, dude.

Dr.Caramel was roaming the hall ways checking every pony in every room.

Drakkar: Apparently he thinks he can heal ponies by getting inside the rooms they are in for a few seconds.

Matt: He actually reminds me a lot of the NPCs in the early Final Fantasy games.  Pre-programmed route, one or two pre-chosen lines of dialogue, no deviating.

Simon: I prefer those rather than those pesky kobolds in DDO. Jumping and bouncing around, little lizardy, fireball-throwing Pinkie Pies.

Twilight sparkle was still in pain, She grabbed a book and read it, She put it down and started to stare at the ceiling again,

Rainbow: “Arrgh, if only we had something like magicin this world!  Alas!”

Simon: Or medical gear, for that matter.

It was getting really dark, So Twilight turned on her light and just kept staring at the ceiling.

Matt: “I’m watching you, ceiling.  Don’t you try anything funny!”

Simon: Oh, her sickness gives her hallucination?  That’s some ball tripping I want to read.

Matt: This is what happens when you give patients control over their own morphine drip.

Twilight sparkle got very tired,

Drakkar: Damn, staring at the ceiling SURE is exhausting.

She turned off her light and turned to her side, she slowly fell asleep. Dr.Caramel check up on her as always and tucked her in, he closed the door as he left the room.

Rainbow: Did he then go power down in the closet for the night?  Geez, how useless can a pony get?

Simon: Hayseed has no cutie mark, and I’m sure he’d be a better doctor.

Twilight sparkle woke up at 5 AM, Still dark

Drakkar: The Princesses are still taking care of the solar cycles.  That’s good to know.  I’d be scared if they got depressed and stopped moving the Sun and the Moon.

she sat up and yawned, later the sun rose and Dr.Caramel came in with her breakfast, Twilight sparkle ate it slowly, when she was finished Dr.Caramel took it and then left the room.

Matt: The hospital has been severely understaffed for a while now, so he has to act as nurse and housecleaning, too.

Twilight sparkle had no visitors since Spike came last, she was little sad not seeing any of her friends yet, she took the jem stone Rarity gave her and looked at herself in it she then put down the emerald and sighed.

Rainbow: They wouldhave dropped by, but today was the start of Spike’s drugging and ponynapping trial.

Matt: I knew Twilight shouldn’t have given him that book...

Simon: I really hope you can tune Cartoon Network with that thing.  Otherwise it’s going to be another boring session of “Twilight stares at shit in her hospital room.”

Matt: But this might be the day Caramel finally comes into her room!  OH WAIT. >_<

Dr.Caramel came in

Drakkar: When did we miss all the foreplay and sex?

Matt: HIYO!

and gave Twilight her daily check up,

Simon: Consisting oflooking at her for a few seconds and leaving shortly after.

Dr.Caramel finally figured out what's going on with her chest pain, she might have heart burn or she might just be dying very slowly.

Rainbow: That’s quite a freaking jump!

Matt: “It could be a bruise, or it could be a necrotic flesh infection.”

Simon: That’s what I call margin of error.

Dr.caramel

Rainbow: He lost his space a while ago, and now he lost his capital “c”.  He’s being demoted as the fic goes on.

smiled and left the room to talk with Nurse Red heart.

Drakkar: “Okay, this is it.  If she kicks the bucket today, I’ll win the death pool.”

Twilight sparkle read her book that one of her friends gave her, she was very interested in it and loved the book, she kept reading it.

Matt: Couldn’t remember who gave it to her only yesterday, though.  Damn that brain damage!

Rainbow: Joke’s on her, Celestia’s been giving her the same copy of “Hop on Pop” every time she comes by.

She stopped and put it down, she smiled and took a nap.

Simon: I can’t handle all this fervent action!

Twilight sparkle woke up and her friends and family crowded the room,

Drakkar: Didn’t just Caramel forbid anypony from visiting Twilight?

They gave her alot of stuff and she smiled.

Matt: Is this a thing in Equestria?  Or maybe the northlands you come from?  You just give dying people “stuff” until they either die or get smothered by it?

Rainbow: Definitely not.

Drakkar: Well, I don’t think Hela is one to accept bribes.  We usually burn warriors with their gear and sendboats full of wealth if a jarl died.  It was a way to show that the warrior was wealthy.  Other than that...

Simon: Maybe they’re just doing it so Twilight doesn’t think on the fact that she’s dying.

She was happy to see her friends and family. Her mom teared up and Celestia put a wing over her parents.

Matt: Worst.  Poker faces.  EVAR.

They had some decent conversations then they had to leave,

Simon: They talked about how their world domination plans weren’t going to happen without her.

Rainbow: I don’t care if they were asking Twilight if the ceiling had done anything interesting yet, I’d still rather read those conversations than any of this!

once Twilight looked out the window

Matt: WOAH WOAH WOAH, SLOW DOWN STORY.  TOO MUCH ACTION HERE.

her visitors stayed pretty long, it was the afternoon now. She was very happy, she stared at the ceiling

Drakkar: Oh, magical ceiling, what mysteries are you hiding from the unworthy eye?

Rainbow: Ceiling cat never comes when you’re watching.

again and then it became dark outside,

Simon: It was when Luna arrived to Canterlot and thought “Oh, shit, I have to make night time!”

she laid down and went to sleep. Dr.caramel check up on her then left knowing she was okay.

Simon: She was okay?  Why didn’t you just let her go home, then?

He wanted to keep this patient alive, and he might loose her a year later, depends on how slow she is dying out..

Matt: Wow.  Just wow, man.  Round of applause for the graduate of the Helen Keller School of Diagnostic Medicine. *slow clap*

Rainbow: *claps* Just think, she’s gonna be stuck in that stupid bed for months.  Nothing but ceiling watching and the “doctor” going in and out, in and out, in and out...

Simon: Just imagine the shit ton of books they’ll bring her as gifts.  She’ll be able to make entire book castles!

Two months later, Twilight Sparkle awoke from an amazing dream,

Drakkar: Did she sleep for two whole months?

Simon: She’ll have a lot of reading to do at the pace they bring her books.

although she was afraid she will not achieve the dream.

Matt: No man can eat fifty eggs!

Twilight still had pain in her chest and it has gotten worse.

Simon: This reminds of the yodeling veterinarian from the Alps, who thought he could heal animals by singing.

Matt: The infamous “going in and out” treatment would be a source of controversy in medical circles for decades.

She coughed and sighed, Dr.Caramel quickly entered the room.

Rainbow: “Gah!  What the hell were you doing just listening outside my room!”

"Twilight, What's the matter!?" He asked

"Doc.. I ain't feeling to good" She coughed.

Drakkar: NOW she notices it?  Twilight, I thought you were MUCH smarter than this!

Rainbow: This isthe pony who forgot how to walkin the first scene.

Dr.Caramel checked her heart beat, it was slowing down,

Matt: 65 bpm.  64...  63...

Everyone came to visit her later, and didn't leave her side.

Rainbow: For, like, the first time ever.

"T-Twiley?" Shining Armor asked.

"Twilight!" Mr. and Mrs. Sparkle yelled

Matt: “Sweet Luna, I’m right here! Stop yelling!”

Twilight Sparkle looked at all her friends and family, She smiled, Her eyes fogged up a tiny bit.

"Doctor.. Her eyes are fogging up" Cadance proclaimed

"That's a sign that she is close to her death" Dr.Caramel replied.

Drakkar: Bluntness is his middle name.

Matt: 48... 47... 46...

Cadance covered her mouth with her hoof and teared up, Oh no, not my best sister-in-law ever!,

Simon: ONLY sister-in-law ever. Unless her parents decide to have another one.

Sunshine.. Sunshine.. ladybugs awake.. clap.. your hooves and do a little shake.. Nothing will be the same without Twilight Cadance thought.

Rainbow: *facehoofs*  That’s the best you can do for drama?

Simon: “I won’t be able to shake my ass ever again!”

Drakkar: Poor, poor Shining Armor.

Matt: 35... 72... 34...

Rainbow: 72?

Matt: She thought she saw the ceiling move and it startled her for a moment.

Celestia rubbed against Twilight sparkle, who teared up, she was very close to her death.

"I'm sorry, The doctor tried everything..

Drakkar: He tried looking at her.  He tried writing in front of her.  He tried talking to Nurse Redheart in front her, and nothing worked.

Rainbow: Don’t forget all the “going” he did.  He really went the extra mile.

Matt: 12... 11... 10...

I'm so sorry everybody" Twilight Sparkle whined

Simon: “I thought I was going to be an immortal Princess who’d outlive you all.”

"Twilight Darling, It isn't your fault.. It's your time" Rarity cried.

Rainbow: Well, Spike would have been there, but he couldn’t get parole in just two months.

Everyone tried to comfort Twilight.. But then, Twilight Sparkle's heart kept going slower, and she was very close. It was time for her to say her last words

Matt: 5... 4... 3...

Simon: “Now that I’m going to die, I can say...  I hated you all since I first met you!”  *dies*

"Everyone.. Thank you, every since I was a filly, My parents helped me get into Celestia's school for gifted unicorns, and if it wasn't for my brother, I wouldn't have any confidence when I was younger, Thanks to Cadance, I wouldn't have learnt a tune, My friends..

Matt: -1... -2... -3...

Simon: And this is why I hated the first Assassin’s Creed.  I wanted SO HARD to skip those boring conversation scenes.

Matt: Stick a knife in her neck.  It didn’t stop them from soliloquizing, but you never know until you try.

You are the best, Rainbow dash,

Drakkar: Oh, right, now that you’re about to die, rub on everypony’s faces who was your best friend.

I think you're totally fit to be a wonderbolt,

Simon: As if her time at Wonderbolt Academy didn’t show us that.

Rainbow: Hey, she’s not wrong, you know.

Drakkar: I think he complains because she’s just stating the obvious.  I’m sure something more could’ve been said about you there.

Matt: No, no, no, let’s NOT give her more of a swelled head.

Rainbow: *sticks her tongue out at Matt*

Fluttershy, You're so kind, and yet you get scared so easily, try being brave,

Rainbow: Now there’sa parting “screw you” if I’ve ever seen it.

Rarity, You're fashions choices are such wonderful amazing ideas, my gala dress was so.. awesome.

Drakkar: Eeeh, I don’t like Equestrian clothing that much.

Simon: She still was able to make you that suit, and Mjǫllna’s dress too.

Drakkar: Right, those were amazing.

Pinkie pie, You're the greatest of them all,

Rainbow: Hey!  You said Iwas the best!  You suck, Dying!Twilight.

you made us brave by helping us laugh at the scariest things.

Simon: But it HAS to be an honest laugh.  If you laugh like a villain or a madman, you actually make ponies around you MORE terrified.

Applejack, if it wasn't for you, and your family, The pure delicouse treats

Rainbow: “Delicouse.”  Huh, sounds Bitalian.

Matt: -34... -35... -36..

wouldn't of been made, and we would of never met,

Simon: Twilight might be taking TOO long to die, but her grammar has been dead for a while.

Rainbow: Just how bad wasthat brain damage?

but since we did, I never regret it. After meeting all of you guts, I would never regret.

Matt: You guts: I hate them.

Celestia, your my mentor, my teacher, and a part of my family, Luna, your the same,

Drakkar: Celestia, you’re the most wonderful being in the world.  Luna, I can’t copypaste my voice, but that goes for you too, in a nutshell.

Rainbow: *gasping* “Ten... out—out of... ten... W-w-would... bang...”

You needed help making friends, and I helped you, Shinging Armor, Your the best brother I ever had, You married my foalsitter, and I thought Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was a mare whom thinks she is such a princess, with attitude, Once I realized it was Cadance, I loved it.

Matt: Wow.  84-word sentence here.  That might be a new, horrible record for me.

Rainbow: “Shinging Armor” sounds like the name of a drunken pony attempting karaoke in a bar.

You taught me how to fly a kite,

Simon: “It’s not the most important or useful skill ever, but thanks anyways!”

Matt: “Could have taught me a healing spell or something, but nooOOOOoooo...”

the only fight we ever had was at the wedding.. Mom and Dad, Your the best parents a pony could wish for, Sweet and gentle, Me and shining armor are so glad to have you as parents.

Cadance, our times we had were so fun, now your my sister-in-law, your the best half sister ever, Don't forget..

Rainbow: Um... half-sisters do not work that way.  Did she just make Shining Armor’s marriage MUCH creepier?

Sunshine, Sunshine, Ladybugs awake, clap your hooves and do a little shake.

You will always be in my heart.

Drakkar: Considering how shitty it must be, I don’t think she wants to be there.

Matt: -175... -176... -177...

Simon: She’s going to die of reverse arrhythmia.

and I will be in everyone elses heart, I will be there.

I love you all.. never forget."

Matt: *retches*

Rainbow: *retches*

Simon: Between Hurricane Katrina and this fic, I’m honestly not sure which is worse.

Twilight sparkle stopped breathing, her heart stopped bumping.

Rainbow: It started grinding instead.

Matt: THE CLUB CAN’T EVEN HANDLE ME RIGHT NOW.

She died.

Simon: About time!

Everyone was crying, they left.

Drakkar: They were getting bored too, numb hooves and all.

Her words were glued into their minds.

Rainbow: It was every bit as sticky and unpleasant as that sounds.

Mane 6 couldn't help it but sing a song for her.

Simon: So Twilight’s ghost is singing along with them?

Matt: Oh god... not a song...

"Twilight Sparkle, the greatest friend we ever had..

She's the best pony we have known, the smartest and greatest of them all,

the egghead, but a friend.

She came to our town, for a quest, and she stayed because of us, everything was such a blast with her around.

Now she's dead due to a injury, now she will never return

Take care

Farewell

Goodbye

Twilight Sparkle

Rainbow: Booo!  Your rhyming stinks!

Matt: Get off the stage!  You’re not funny!

Simon: The author was lazy enough to use colors to save himself from mentioning who was singing each one.

Drakkar: Who sang the third line, though?

All: O_O

Matt: Ye gods, even death can’t shut Twilight up!

Simon: Maybe it’s the Death from Discworld?  No, she speaks in capitalletters.

“We’ve got it weakened, but it’s not going down!”

Rainbowtouched down next to me, trying to catch her breath.  “It’s tough.  We can’t get through to do lethal damage.”

Simon, crouched, calling to his partner.  “Usual tactic, Drakkar.  Flanking time!”

“You take the left?”

“As usual!”

“Hey, wait a second,” I interjected, “we’ve got two more bodies available!”

Rainbow fluttered her wings.  “Hey, yeah, and a whole third dimension!”

“Okay, so what’s the plan?” Simon asked.

I glanced over at my wingmare.  “You thinking what I’m thinking, Dash?”

“Orbital strike?”

I grinned.  “Bingo.Grab Drakkar and go vertical.”  She galloped off towards Drakkar as I turned to Simon.  “Help me out, dude, we gotta flank this thing and keep it from moving!”

Dash skidded to a stop next to the Norse pony.  “Hey, mind if I borrow you for a moment?”

He smirked. “I don’t think my wife would mind given the circumstances.”

She snorted irritably and rolled her eyes. “I’ll hit you for that when I’ve got the time.  Come on!”  She grabbed Drakkar around the chest and sprang into the air, gaining altitude as quickly as she could.

I battered at the beast with my bat, flailing wildly.  “Hold it down, Simon!”

Simon grunted his assent, alternating between precise strikes at the monster and distracting it with loud smacks of his axe against the ground.  “You’re not going anywhere!”

Barely visible in the sky above, Rainbow yelled, “Axe out, Drak!  LOOK OUT BELOW!”

The pony pair turned, suddenly plummeting.  Rainbow flapped for every ounce of speed she could manage, trailing a rainbow and a startlingly intense scream.

“DUCKAND COVER!” I yelled, throwing myself behind a tree.

Simon glanced up and catapulted himself into a pathside ditch.

Just before impact, the Doctor wandered out of the house, dusting his coat off with a hoof.  “Okay, I’m done with the synchroni—oh...”

Rainbow and Drakkar struck, Drakkar’s axe and Rainbow’s hoof extended equally as they impacted with a seemingly nuclear impact.  I didn’t bother to look, but it wouldn’t have surprised me in the least if there had been a full-on mushroom cloud.  All I could see was dust and dirt billowing in the shockwave, followed by a grisly rain of monster fragments.  Simon and I stepped back onto the path to survey the damage.

The Doctor grinned, his irrepressible humor undaunted by his being coatedin a spray of mostly-unrecognizable gore.  “Glad to know I didn’t miss the fireworks!” he chirped.

I scrambled over to the crater, looking for Rainbow.  “Hey, you two okay?” I called out to the mostly still ponies.  “Rainbow, you good?Talk to me, Dash!”

She rolled over onto her back with a grunt.  “That... was... frigging... AWESOME.”

Drakkar sighed wearily.  “I prefer the ground, but it was... an experience.”

Rainbow panted breathlessly.  “Oh... oh yeah...” she said, reaching out a hoof and lightly tapping Drakkar’s shoulder.  “Yeah... you deserved that.  Phew...”

Simon laughed.  “Well... this was more intense than usual, but we’re done.  Drakkar, can you get up?”

The Scandineighvian warrior laughed shakily.  “You offend me... with your doubts.”  He slowly clambered to his hooves before taking a deep, calming breath and reaching out a hoof to Rainbow.  “Come on, let me help you.”

She managed to accept his help without blushing, surprisingly.  “Thanks.  You guys were a big help.”

I had to agree with her there.  “Yeah, I’m not sure what we would have done otherwise.”

Simon grinned, looking around for some unsoiled grass to clean his blade on.  “I’m glad we were able to help.  I hope we can come back again—next time without monsters to kill.”

I offered my hand and clasped his wrist against my own.  “Well, if there’s such a thing as a dimensional door, I’ll leave it open for ya.”

“Oh, um... Matt?”  Rainbow tapped my elbow and nodded her head back towards my house.  Or rather, what was left of it.

I sighed.  “Ah.  Yeah.  Guess I’ll have to call somepony about that.”

“Damn...” Simon said. “Well, if you need help, I’m sure we could stick around a little longer.  At least to clear the debris and such.”

“That would be appreciated, but man... I dunno if I’m up to it at the moment.”  I glanced down at my wingmare, throwing an arm across her shoulders.  “How about some celebratory dinner and drinks first?Our treat.”

Drakkar nodded.  “Sounds good to me.”

“Same here,” Simon agreed.

The Doctor chuckled, wiping remnants of monster off of his fur.  “I’ll pick you gentlemenup later, then, shall I?”

Rainbow leaned easily against my side, though I could still feel the slight tremor of her muscles after that ordeal.  “Pffft.  Too good to join us then?” she jested, sticking her tongue out at the Time Lord.

He chuckled.  “Oh, on the contrary.  I think this should be a celebration for the warriors to share.”

I grunted.  “Suit yourself, Doctor.  Well, guys, one last conquest.  To the pub!”

-fin-