Can only blame myself -Lucky
"Hey honey, how are you? How's your day been?" The creamy grey pony asks. Her mane swiveled as her head turned back to the small pan she was currently cooking in. The smell of beans and potatoes filled the room with a hungering scent.
"I'm fine, not much has happened today. Just talked to the same guys, same play, same acts. So in a shorter sentence. Good." I exclaimed as to be my day. I tossed my bag down onto a little table off to the side. It dumped out a small binder and script for the new play.
"Well ok. Not every day is going to be thrill seeker." My mom said as she still focused on the pan. "Hey, did you hear of the new laws that are going to be announced?" She again spoke with a soft spook in her voice.
"No, why do you ask? You know I can't pay any attention to this stuff. I have school, and stuff." I wiggle my light brown hoof towards my bag. "Besides what are so great about new laws?" I asked dazed in my question.
"Well apparently these laws will change Equestria for the better. I will do anything for the princesses." She put the pan down and put her right hoof to her heart. It was odd, she usually says for the family no for the princesses. Ah who cares? It's her own thing. I'm not one to judge anyway.
"Ok then. That's a very promising statement." I said as I quoted it with air quotes.
"Just go get your brothers and father. It's almost dinner. I'm going to need you to lay out the table when you get back." She exclaimed as her hoofs mushed me off into the house I call home.
I turned away and trotted off towards the living room, which was connected to the porch, which was was connected to the backyard. Lots of connecting. Oh, I should explain who I am. I'm Lucky Order, I'm thirteen years old. I have a light brown fur coat and dark blue hair. I also have green eyes. To my own benefits I'm gay. Tonight at dinner or after or never I will or will not tell my family that I'm gay. I've been in the closet for months. Almost a year actually.
My family, Uhh. Well I have 3 brothers. Two younger one older. The two younger ones are 8 and 11 years old. 8 year old is Sunbean. Funny name right? He has a dark grey coat and blue eyes and hair. 11 year old is Ferpher. Again, funny name right? He is a light blue colt with green hair. And finally my bigger brother, Jordan. The actual only name that isn't funny here. He is red with dark blue hair. Blue hair sorta runs in the family I guess.
My mom is a creamy grey as you could already imagine. She has sorta brownish hair. But her eyes sparkle a bright ocean blue. She's quite literally the definition of a TV mother. Either way, enough explaining and more getting my brothers.
I stepped into my living room. The rug rubbed against my now open hooves. It felt nice to know my own rug can itch my hoof for me. I probably wouldn't have itched it anyway. I looked to my left to see our porch. Yes, the porch is connected to the living room which is connected to both the stairs to upstairs and the kitchen.
Either way, both my brothers were out there in the backyard. Both Fepher and Jordan. Jordan tosses the ball back and fourth. It goes to Fepher then to Jordan. Jordan runs to the end field. Fepher is on his tail, literally. Jordan tumbles and submits to his defeat.
I trot to the door lightly. The door slides open like butter. My head pops out just a pinch. "Hey, guys it's almost time for dinner. So get in here!" I sorta yell so they hear me.
"We'll be in in a minute!" Jordan yells back. He tossed the ball back to Fepher who sets it down and trots to the porch. I left the door open for them.
I then look straight towards my littlest brother Sunbean. He was watching tv. I think Spidercolt was on, cause he was trying to shoot webs through his small hooves. It was cute to look at. Him thinking he can be Spidercolt. Hahaha, no.
"Hey, Sunbean. It's time for dinner, get in here." I spoke out to the small colt who didn't pay attention. "I didn't want to do this." I said under my breath. My hot head thought of some dazzling ideas. But I chose one and stuck with it.
I trotted over to the TV and watched it for a minute. It was when Spidercolt was fighting Doctor Octopony. Spidercolt ran around the corner and in to the alley. He looked up and saw Doc. Oc. Was banishing up into the sky. Spidercolt thought fast and started at him. He shot one web. *bewwwwwb* I turned the tv off.
"What was that for?! I was watching Spidercolt!" Sunbean yelled. He pouted for a second. His eyes looked as if they were about to cry. I kneeled down in front of him and spoke out.
"Hey, kid. You can watch Spidercolt later. It's basically on every day 24/7. Besides it's dinner time so get your plot off the couch and move. Or I'll tickle ya." I put my hooves up high in the air and wiggled them. I was always ready to tickle the innocent kid. He was adorable.
"Haha! Ok I'll move!" He jumped from the couch and happily trotted towards the kitchen. I followed right behind him.
I opened one of the cabinets to find a large amount of plates. I only took 6 out the 20 sum. One by one they slid from my hooves and on to the table. The forks and spoons were already on the dark wood table. So, I took my seat and awaited what the air smelled like, deliciousness.
The front door creeped open and in came our surprisingly happy dad. He swung his head to a beat of a song he played in his head. His bag danced in the air when ever he did so. He kissed mother as she was setting out the food. It's like he got a huge raise or promotion, or both.
"Hey kids! Guess why I'm so happy?" He said with a huge smile on his face. It spread from one ear to the next. Kinda creepy but he was happy so why should I judge?
"Uhh.. Raise? Promotion? Both?" I listed off.
".. How did you know? Yes, I did get both. I am now a manager at where I work! We get a huge raise from around 9 bits an hour to 13 bits. Huge raise! You know what that means? More trips, better ingredients, more funds towards your college carriers. It's amazing." We all applauded him for his hard work and promotion. My mother gave him a great big mama bear hug.
"Well, you came just in time for your favorite food. So, dig in!" Mama said as she raised her fork in the air.
It was a riot for who could get what the fastest. I just sat there and watched it go down. There was a few pieces of food here and there. Not much but still here and there. I just remembered that I wanted to tell them. I was nervous, I was scared. I didn't want to. I've been hiding to long. I've told a friend and he's accepted me. I was going to do it. No matter the turn out, I always have the night to hop out and go to my friends.
"Family, I have an announcement," They all looked up from their plates wondering why I still haven't got any food and/or why I've stopped them from eating. "I've been really nervous to tell you guys. I've actually only told one person. Please don't be mad at me but. I'm gay, I like stallions."
Silence filled the room. They exchanged stares of disbelief. I'm guessing they didn't want this to be true. It was understandable. I was just a rat in the family using up money. I could leave and they wouldn't notice.
*clap. Clap. Clap. Clap* A slightly slow clap broke the silence. My dad stood up, came around the table, and hugged me. His eyes were filled of liquid pride. A small tear rained down from his eye. "Thank you for coming out to us. We'll love you either way." He set me down and booped my nose.
He just as easily walked back to his seat. Jordan and Fepher both came out of their seats and hugged me. Sunbean shook his head in disappointment. My mother started arguing with my dad about me. I knew I shouldn't have came out. It just caused problems. My eyes watered a bit. This is why I keep things to my myself. This is why I blame myself for things. As much as I try I always end up blaming it on me.
"Son, come here." Mother motioned her hoof for me to obey and come to her. A look of disappointment crowded her face. Fathers face was next to hers. He looked better and more proud of me, but in his eyes he screamed to run.
I have my chance. I know he'll follow. We'll skip town, we'll go to Ponyville. We can be a father son family. Away from my very picky mother. Her judgements were always the worst. She's like a trap, she seems all nice and sweet but when you know her. She can be the worst pony to even look at.
My hooves moved towards her side of the table. They wouldn't stop even when I screamed and yelled at them to stop. "Yes *gulp* mother?" I asked with a fake grin on my face. I felt like sweating. I felt like jumping town. I didn't want to face this monster for the second time. The first time was when I was littler. Around 9, I accidentally broke a swing at a park. When I was swinging it fell down. Don't ask me why I just suspected it was old. But still non of the less I got basically slashed by her claws.
"Are you sure you're gay? Do you want to make this choice?" She asked with a seriously curious tone. Those questions made me question her own intelligence. That's like me asking her if she is sure she's a mother.
"Mom, I was born this way. I like my own gender and that's how it'll be." I said in a quiet tone. I mine as well call it whispering. I didn't want to say anything in the first place. Again I blame this on myself. Just another reason why this family is better off without me.
"Ugh. Fine but don't bring any colts into this household. Or I swear I beat you straight!" She nearly stood up and yelled. My long face went to an almost crying frown in no more than seconds. Her face still stood still. Filled with anger and fear. Mine was just filled with fear and sadness.
"I still love you son. Hey, can I actually talk to you alone on the porch?" My dad spoke out in a reviving tone. I loved to hear his voice it was like hearing a friend after a long hard day. He motioned me out the door.
I followed right behind him. Every step he took I took the same step. The door opened up and we went straight out onto the porch. The sun shined in my eyes and reflected off the glass to blind me more. The breeze was a cool evening breeze. He stopped at the edge of the porch near the stairs. "Come sit with me." He sat down on the stairs. I did the same like a shadow.
"Yes dad?"
"You know I love you."
"Yes dad. I love you too."
"Your mother isn't very happy with you coming out. But I will always love you. No matter what you do." He put his right hoof around me and pulled me close to him.
"Why doesn't mom accept me?"
"Well you see. She was raised that way. She was raised to say stuff like that. It bothers me a lot and I was to get a divorce so I can find a mare more accepting of my family. But I'm stuck with this problem. Just in the mean time don't be to hard on yourself. If you have any problems please come ask me." His voice sounded like the definition of comfort. It made me feel safer than I really wasn't.
Author's Note
I know I'm not the best writer. So please give me as much constructive criticisms as you want. I need it more than ever.
"Stay out here. I'll go talk to her, see what's up, and try to calm her down. Ok?" His smooth voice streamed through the air and up to my ears. Worry and bravery was sprinkled around his eyes but most of all. His dilated pupils, almost as if they were yelling at the top of their lungs, were saying kill me kill me kill me.
"Alright, please come back alive." He chuckled at my comment. My arms wrapped around his warm body. My head leaned around his soft shoulder. My ear was mushed as the result of leaning in to far. His left arm finally wrapped around me. He squeezed me into him and then played with my hair a little. He got up and left into what I know as my home.
The porch door once again opened and his hooves clip clopped, as they hit the hard wood floor inside. That continued on towards the actual kitchen table. I heard a few faint voices but nothing really stood out. I waited a few minutes before I actually heard something's stand out.
A voice started to rise above both the forks hitting the plates and the cool night breeze. It was a hard voice with very much emotion in it. Hate has now filled the air and was spreading towards me. I could make out very little. "And your going to let.... to my hou.... then move out! But he..." Then the rest is just muffled yells towards each other. It was just a war against who's voice is louder and who's can make more sense.
My fur no longer warmed me against the nights winds. "Thanks Luna." I said under my sarcastic breathe. I finally had enough not knowing what is happening and got up. I slowly moved around the porch trying to not make any sound. I peaked into the door and saw my brothers gone, my parents having a flame war, and the food going cold.
My stomach gurgled and growled in hunger. I swear, two Pumas were about to burst out of my stomach and find something to eat. The door behind me finally opened. My dad walked out soon followed by my mom. Her hair was a little messed up. Not much has changed of her look. The only thing that astronomically different was the fire burning in her eyes. It's like somepony lit her eyes with a giant torch and watched it burn.
"Your foods getting cold, might want to warm it up." Her raspy voice called out. She had nothing to do here with me. She just wanted to get in and get out. But she stayed out for a few seconds, just looking at me and my father. It sent a chill down my spine knowing that she is studying our movements closely, like she was planning on doing something sinister.
"Ok." I didn't want to talk much. I also didn't want to burden them with unreasonable questions. All I wanted was some food and my bed. Not to much to ask for.
My hooves moved on their own. I didn't even think of getting up just yet. I was going to wait till mom was gone before consulting dad about what happened. Apparently not. If I complain about these things, that only puts the burden back on me.
The refreshing air of indoors surrounded me as I stepped through the door. The air was still filled of that beautiful smell of dinner. It danced at my taste buds, teasing me about the food. But I could also sense a hateful feeling in the house. It wasn't a smell, wasn't something I could see, not even something I could touch. I just felt like this house wasn't good for me.
I saw mother walk into the living and disappear into the couches comfort. My brothers were nowhere to be seen. Probably studying or talking about what happened. I don't blame them, I was somewhat glad I wasn't inside to hear it all. That wouldn't help my situation or the way I feel about myself. Like I feel good about myself anyway.
Father came around back and patted me on the back. I swooped around and hugged him. That's the only thing I wanted to feel for comfort. I knew that I wasn't the same as everyone, and that my dad and two of my brothers accepted me. He put a hoof around my head and squeezed me in.
Something couldn't control me. But a tear shed from my eye. Right after that, another.. And then another and soon enough I was crying into his shoulder. He "Sh"-ed me. I wasn't going to calm down. She was going to do something, but what? I don't want to be thrown out of the house, I don't want to die. I have great potential that she wants to throw away. But I'm being to high of myself.
I finally released me head from his shoulder. I could see it was sopping wet. He put his right hoof on my shoulder. "I'm sorry that tonight happened. I can't do anything to stop that from happening. Look, I'm always here for you kid, you know that right?" He had a calming but serious look in his eye. His tone was stern but soft.
"Yes I know that." I replied still sniffling a little.
"Ok, good. Hey how about a hoofball game tomorrow? There's a company picnic and I can bring you guys. Or just you and your brothers. Doesn't matter if we don't go. I wasn't going to participate, just you know. Watch them all try to play." He chuckled a little bit. I chuckled just as well.
"I'll think about it. I have a history test on the princesses and their parents. I actually might have to study for it." I said very awkwardly. I looked towards that now well cold plate and then back at father. It was even more awkward. A nice talk with my father or food.
He scruffed up my hair and sighed. Not a disappointed sigh but more of a sigh of relief. "Alright, I'll help you with your princesses test. I know how it is. That test for me wasn't easy at all but now I'm glad I passed it. I got a good grade and a good job." He exclaimed.
"Sounds good. I'm going to get to eating now so.. I love you." I said as I turned around to get my plate of cold food. It felt frozen in my hooves. Almost like in that time someone put it in the freezer.
"I love you too." He replied as he turned and we went our separate ways.
Me being me replayed the own scenario in my head. I replayed and replayed until my tears retuned but not the sniffling. I knew ponies hated me in this family. It was only a matter of time before I could confirm this. If I offed myself it wouldn't make a difference. They would save more money, have more food, have one less to care about. It's a win win for everypony.
My friends wouldn't care, my classes wouldn't care, the school itself would applaud my offing. I've been on this planet long enough to know when one or more hates someone. I've been here long enough to know why this world is so cruel. It'll hit you, smack, and punch you till your bloody. Most ponies get back up, but i don't have the courage to.
At this point tears are rushing down my eyes. They fall onto my plate, splattering into thousands of little pieces. I've given up on my apatite. I don't like adapting to change and this is a change I don't want in a million years. It wasn't the change that anypony can change to. It was a change that doesn't come back to say "I'm sorry, let me help you for what I've done." No, it hits you and doesn't regret it.
I put my plate down onto a near by counter. I walked slowly into my room. I got a few weird looks from my parents and my brothers. The door swung open and my face met with my pillows. It was soaked with tears in minutes. My whimpers became a small whisper as I didn't want anypony to hear me. I wanted to be in an abyss of isolation. No ponies for miles, no glares, no nothing. Just blankness.
I even failed at that as in the corner of my eye I saw my brother walk in, Jordan. His eyes met with mine as he plopped down onto the bed. "Hey, what's wrong?" His deep voice was just like dads. I swear he's a copy of him but looks different.
"Mom hates me, everypony hates me." I meant this. I pulled a pillow onto my head so I couldn't breathe. I expected him to react quickly. He took the pillow and through it across the room. I knew he would, it was worth a try though. I could do it when he falls asleep. He wouldn't know, no one would know.
"Don't do that! You'll get yourself killed! Look I wouldn't know how you feel. But I'm here for you. I don't care if your gay, straight, or even if you change your gender. I'm here for you. I don't care what mom, your friends, or even what the family says. You're my brother, and brothers don't let other brothers hurt themselves. Even in the slightest of ways." He picked me up and I leaned my head on his shoulder. His body heat came over me like a furnace. I feel warming feeling in my heart. But that doesn't take away my hatred towards myself. He wrapped his arms around my back and held me close. I did the same.
His look in his face was a one of a kind. He meant something for real. No jokes, no tricks, no illusion. He was holding back tears of fear. Fear of me offing myself. Fear of my own fear taking over me and consuming my life. I had my own fears, but my own fear was him being to protective. But.. I'll cherish this moment. I wish I had this feeling for every second of every day of every week of every year to etc. It felt warming, happiness, and protection like a shield. Knowing you're safe and welcomed into someponies life.
We laid down still hugging each other. Now snuggling, in the night time. Just two brothers on a bed snuggling knowing that they will love each other forever.
